The Nick DiPaolo Show - Tyrannical Turkeys Trashing Tradition | Nick DiPaolo Show #265

Episode Date: November 27, 2019

You Name It! Bloomberg to spend $31 Million in a week. Nick's flashback from the 90's. MONDAY - THURSDAY 9PM EST #Trump #MAGA #ABreathOfFreshAir

Hi there, doo dee doo, made you a turkey, dum dum dum, happy Thanksgiving, la la la. This is heavy, doo doo doo, hope I don't drop it, dum dum dum, happy Thanksgiving, la la la. Look at that wishbone, doo doo doo, where'd it come from, dum dum da dum, happy Thanksgiving, la la la. Look at that wishbone, do do do. Where'd it come from, dum dum da dum. Happy Thanksgiving, la la la. I feel scared, do do do. I'm going home now, dum de dum. Happy Thanksgiving, la la la. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

How are you, folks? Tuesday before Thanksgiving. We're off tomorrow. Coming back Monday. Rich, don't stare at me, you sad face. Actually makes me angry. Sitting there like you're about to cry. And you should.

So he's looking at me like an audience member when I'm doing stand-up. The one guy that doesn't like me. Are you fucking... Ritz was like Fredo sitting in a boat right now. Yeah, exactly. That's how it's going to end. Hail Mary, full of grace. The lotus with the blessed

that's what happened to Ryan you didn't see that did you hey Raz I noticed you were shaking your head at that cold open you don't like that old white bitch where were you offended as a black guy making fun of the wishbone what exactly I was just stupid

well yeah it's the whole idea. The fuck most comedy is. You sound like a woman when your fucking guy shows a clip of the Three Stooges. It's stupid. Yeah, it's the whole fucking idea. Mother of... I think it's cute. Now, what are you doing?

Yeah, do that. Seriously, hold that in front of your face. You suck the life out of me every time I look at you. It's like looking at a chest x-ray of my lungs and seeing a big spot on it. It's the fucking feeling you give me in my gut. Anyways, Patreon members, love you. How are you? Let's fuck you and your bone spurs.

Yeah, feel the Thanksgiving love in that one. I am your voice. Don't forget it. Run through a motherfucker face. Sure, baby. I want all of you to enjoy your cake. So, enjoy. Yeah, got him up there.

Might as well use him. You know you want crazy motherfucking rock, man. It's a casual Tuesday, right? It's like before school, big break. I don't give a shit how the show goes. Why? Because I just found out I have a 10-picture deal with Martin Scorsese. Anyways, real quick dates.

You can get these at nickdip.com. By the way, I want to thank Stephanie Cannon, just signed up at the veto level. Okay? We're years into this show. People signing up at the most. Stephanie, thank you so much. Please tell me you're under 200 pounds. Why does that have anything to do?

I don't fucking know. I got my Ellen DeGeneres shirt on. I'm looking spiffy. New Year's Eve. I'm hoping to find a date or two before this, but December 31st, New Year's Eve, I will be at the Tarrytown Music Hall in Tarrytown, New York. Used to live in that town. It's probably my favorite town I ever

lived in. Had to get out of there, though, because surrounded by people, you know, that are bluer than this shirt. Just fucking idiots. Friday, January 24th, the Ridgefield Playhouse, Ridgefield, Connecticut. Saturday, February 1st, the Historic Ritz Theater in Brunswick, Georgia. Saturday, February 15th, the Kelsey Theater, Lake Park, Florida.

That's Valentine's Day weekend. And I am the perfect comic to snub a relationship in its early stages. So come out and see me. You'll be fighting on the way home. I thought he was an asshole. I thought he was fucking hilarious. I don't think he likes women. Shut the fuck up and eat your chocolates.

Bring her out to the show. We're not going to go to CVS and get one of those heart-shaped boxes with a picture of B.B. King's feet being cut off because of the sugar content. Friday, April 3rd, the Morgan Hill Event Center in Herman, Maine. So go to nickdip.com. So it is Thanksgiving. Used to be my favorite day of the year until the fucking libs ruined that. Everything they touch turns to shit. Oh, it's a day of

oppression. Yeah, that's what I, you know what I do? I make a dessert shaped like a Native American's head and I carve it up right in front of my nieces and nephews. Look that's sinking. And I put red dye in the gravy, and I pour it all over a picture of Liz Warren. I wonder how awkward that is,

Thanksgiving at her house. Auntie, did you make that Indian recipe? You know, the authentic one? I mean, you are one zillionth fucking Cherokee, right? You titless pig, pass the stuffing. Anyways, the black people do it right, the holidays. Check this shit out. You know what I'm saying?

Look. I love this. I got beans, greens, potatoes, tomatoes, lamb, rams, hogs, dogs, chicken, turkeys, rabbits. You name it. Look. I got beans, greens, potatoes, tomatoes, lamb, rams, hogs, dogs, beans, greens, potatoes, tomatoes, lamb, cheese, potatoes, tomatoes, chicken, turkeys, beans, greens, potatoes, tomatoes, lamb,

cheese, potatoes, tomatoes, chicken, turkeys, grab that dick. Chris. This is like when I go into Bojangles. That's the hostess. What's the special? Look at that brother move. Whoa. This is my parents.

There's me in the bedroom. We do this around the table. I'd go to church if that shit went on. Oh, my God. Greens, beans, and that is going to be stuck in my head. Like 1-800-CARS-FOR-KIDS. Rich, is that what it looks like on Thanksgiving at your house? Do you have family, Rich?

I've known you for two years. No, nobody likes me. Well, that's... Thank you, Captain Obvious. Are you an orphan? I'm serious. I know nothing about your parents. Yeah, I'm like a James Bond orphan.

Shut the fuck up and answer the question. No, I have family. Do you? Yeah. There you go. See how hard that was? You had to be adopted, right? I'm pretty sure I came out of a womb.

Yeah, the bed womb. Good night, everybody. Jesus Christ. Sweet potato pie. Greens bean. All right. You get the idea. It's Thanksgiving.

I'm just going to do a little bit of political shit up front because Mayor Bloomberg, I have a man crush on him. I think he's terrific. This guy's full of testosterone. But it comes out the real reason. Let's see if I can do this without the glasses. Look like I'm in my 70s. Bloomberg's presidential run could be part of a strategy to pay the cheapest rates possible. That's not, that sounds anti-Semitic.

You're saying cheap and Bloomberg. It's not fucking, you can't say shit like that. Get this through your head, you Jew motherfucker, you. I mean, come on with that shit. Bloomberg's capitalizing on his estimated 52 billion net worth to run a highly unusual campaign, planning to entirely self-fund this campaign. How's that fucking unusual? Trump didn't take any.

Did he? I don't take any, did he? I don't know. Maybe he did. And not raise money through grassroots donations. That must really sit well with communist Bernie Sanders, who's all about grassroots. I love the grassroots. I like the top 1% of the grassroots.

On Saturday, Bloomberg announced he's placing, listen to this, an enormous ad buy. If I had this kind of dough, I'd still have 11 people at my next show. Spending a record-breaking $31 million on TV ads in 25 media markets over the course of one week. A week. That's like $10 to this guy. I don't even know what Bloomberg News does. He came up with some way to fucking, it has to do with, you know, you want to fucking

research stocks and... Rich, go ahead. Do you know what it is? It's a news aggregator for stock information. Okay, that's the textbook definition. Now tell me what that means. It means to grab sources from all over the place to give you best investment news. All right. Not a bad answer

for a guy who's an $11 sweater but $5,000 shoes. I don't get it. And jeans. You're like a fucking mannequin who's very confused at JP at fucking Dillard's. And you're like, I should be at Macy's. Speaking of Macy's, they're not going to have any floats because the wind's kicking up. That's when they're the most fun. Fucking seeing Snoopy crash into a building and fucking kids crying. Come on. By the way. So Bloomberg, listen to this. His unusual campaign gives him virtually no chance of winning the nomination. I don't know why they're saying that. I don't necessarily agree with it. He can pay for TV ads at much lower rates.

There's a rule. Presidential candidates, if you do it yourself, the rates are like half instead of going. If you go through a pack, they can, you know it yourself, the rates are like half. Instead of going, if you go through a pack, they can, you know, they rape the pack. It's like buying stuff at the Pentagon. You go to Walmart, you buy a toilet seat for $8. The Pentagon is $408,000. Very good analogy, Nick.

If Bloomberg's top priority in the 2020 cycle is to help beat Trump, using his position as a candidate to air as many TV ads as possible for the best price could achieve a lot towards that end. It could. Oh, that dirty cogsucker. I mean, that's the power of television, you know. And again, spending that kind of dough in a week. So in other words, people are saying he knows he can't win this, but he can do damage to Trump and help whatever Gentile is going to, yeah, it's going to help

Pete Buttigieg. How is he up at all the polls? America, you are the dumbest fucking country on the face of the earth, except for electing Trump. And even that you try to take away. face of the earth, except for electing Trump. And even that you try to take away. And my God, I hope, what's his name? Adam Schiff chokes on a turkey bone right in front of his kids and they have to pump his chest. Nothing but fucking sweet potato pie comes out of that face of his. God help us. It's hot in here, ain't it? God damn. Let's talk about things. Anyway, Bloomberg, so that's sort of a stealth thing. It sounds like a strategy.

Can you imagine? You can do a lot of damage with ads. And he's going to flood the market because people look at the TV and go, it's on TV? It must be real. At least half the population does that. We call those Democrat voters. Real intelligent. Nick, why do you do

that? Didn't you hear what Michael Jordan said? He doesn't talk politics because both Republicans and Democrats buy sneakers. No. What he's saying is he's soulless money fucking grub. I'm for what's good for the country. Pete Buttigieg is not it. Liz Warren is not

it. Fucking communist Bernie Sanders is not it. Kamala Harris, she. Fucking communist Bernie Sanders is not it. Kamala Harris, she couldn't run a lemonade stand. Fucking Cory Booker pretends to be from the streets. Guy's had more privilege than any white person on the planet. He's got those crazy eyes. I'd just fucking throw him in jail for his look. How about that?

Can't judge a book by its cover? Fuck that. Guilty. Otto and George. Do you know who they are, Rez? Otto and George, a guy with a puppet. It was a filthy puppet. It was like a racist, filthy puppet.

But I was doing a show with him. He would do this all the time. Like, we're doing a show, and this black guy came in late into the club. Fucking puppet goes, guilty. I mean, it is hilarious. Even black people laughing. He got people so pissed. This is hilarious, even black people laughing. He got people so pissed. This is true, too.

This is a legendary. He was performing in New York when he first started. After the show, a Puerto Rican guy stabbed his puppet outside the club. That's a true story. But as you know, because of this wave of progressivism that's taken over the country, whatever progressives do, they like to just change everything, even if it's not for the better, just change it. I use an example like Nike, the social justice warrior,

and Phil Knight couldn't get more progressive than him. He's the one who makes college teams wear an all-black version of their uniform. He forced them, you know, just change shit. You don't want tradition. You want to play for Stanford. You got a beautiful red cardinal. Make it all black. Thug like for fucking a week.

You know, they just change shit for no reason. That's just one sad example I gave you. But but this shows the mentality is catching. Although I don't totally disagree with this because I said this in a bit years ago. Tired of Turkey. It's the driest animal on the face of the earth. It lives on dust and broken glass. Well, it's a lie.

But this is a story. One in four Americans are tired of traditional Thanksgiving turkey. What the fuck was that? That's Michael Vick drowning a turkey in his tub. Anyways, Americans are tired of turkey. That is a fucking white people problem. Oh, boy, you. We're complaining about turkey.

Meanwhile, there's some kid in Bangladesh chasing a water bug with a stick for lunch. He's living on fucking dirt and fucking rocks. And we're complaining about it. But apparently a lot of people feel this way. A new survey, 2,000 Americans revealed that more than a quarter, 26% have grown weary of the usual Thanksgiving food options and would like some new cuisine. So what's stopping you? I've never, I've never had a, we've always had the turkey and gravy and shit, but I'm half Italian. It would always come with eggplant before and all kinds of shit. You know what I'm saying? And as a tribute to the Native Americans, I just throw a can of corn on the table all over everybody.

It's maize. More than 43% say they would be open to celebrating an alternative Thanksgiving this year in all 64% say they would be willing to skip serving the standard bird on Thanksgiving and 30% say they've already stopped serving it what are you serving snow cones and fucking I'm the other way around ever have turkey like in July and you're like we should it's like this this is delicious. Why don't we do this?

Why do we wait till Thanksgiving? I personally like turkey, but it binds me up. But the Italians do it differently. We really do. If you don't believe, look, they covered it on The Sopranos, wasn't it? Happy Thanksgiving.

Model, who needs it? Oh, come on. Turkey, sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie, you gotta love all that, huh? Yes, because you never lived through the Ohio version. Major antipas first.

Then soup. Meatballs and churros. Then the baked manicot. Then the bird. Oh, I love manicot. Turkeys are here. I love manicot. They were stealing turkeys in that episode.

They always hijack a truck around Thanksgiving. Christopher goes, ah, these turkeys, they have such bad sense of direction, you know. They were headed to so-and-so's supermarket, ended up in the back of a truck. And they all laughed. It was terrific. With those numbers in mind, perhaps it isn't too surprising that one in four, 24% of Americans list turkey as one of the most overrated Thanksgiving foods. The stuffing is the fucking star of the show for me.

Rich, anything? Just staring like a retarded young kid. I had an Aunt Peggy who put prunes in the stuffing, and I was sick for a week. So that's what ruined Thanksgiving for me. You weren't, first of all, it's a total lie. Raj, do you believe you're sick for a week from prunes? Well, shitting your pants isn't being sick, Rick. That's what prunes are for.

I don't think you're supposed to do that after Thanksgiving dinner is shit your pants. I don't think that's the objective. I think it is. I really do. That's how you give thanks. That's how you give thanks. With those numbers in mind, but thank you for,

yeah, folks, I don't give a, it's so fucking hot in here right now. Motherless fucks. Cranberry sauce overrated. That's because you're taking the shit out of a can like a fucking typical American. You make your own. You ever get real fresh? I'm going to give you a recipe right now. Bobby Flay. Fresh cranberries. OK. Ginger ale. Little bit of orange juice. Little bit of cinnamon or brown sugar. Just fucking let that simmer for 45 minutes. I'll tell you, I'll tell her.

Your fucking, your neighbors will fucking, the in-laws will come back. We always get in a fight. You start talking politics. This is me fighting with my sister on Thanksgiving years ago. We get into it. You want the bird? Go in the alley and eat the bird.

Oh, boy. Yeah, something about Hillary. Okay, we don't need that shot of me in that silly hat. How many times I was called Rocky when that movie came out? Anyways, turkey has a binding effect that's my only problem with it it makes you very gassy unless you're at Rich's house and you have that fucking prune pie

but I cannot that stuff is like ass spackle to me I almost fucking blew a thing I actually blew a vessel in my head on Thanksgiving. Holy Jesus. There I am. Tell me that's not me.

Guy's got the same legs as me. 19 newspapers. That's how that guy died on the Sopranos, by the way. Raz, if you don't watch that show, you don't know what you're missing, man. It's like sweet potato pie. Did she say lamb?

Did I hear her say ram? She said fucking ram. That black woman serves ram. You think your fucking heart's prone stuffing is bad? Have a fucking slice of ram's head. Worst part of Thanksgiving is, you know, at halftime I take the Lions plus 31 and they're down fucking 32 to nothing at halftime. But one of my most famous bits when I started comedy,

and I put this on a reel. I shot at the Comedy Connection, the original comedy connection in Boston, down the street from Nick's, my home club. I was only, this is 1990, and I used this, my manager sent it out to clubs, and it fucking, I murdered that night, and it got me club work for the next three years, I exaggerate not, but this comes with a trigger warning. If you're allergic to greasy Italian mullets, shitty Boston accents, and I have a shirt on like I'm a magician from fucking Denver. But here's me doing my breakout.

And I got compliments on this from Chappelle. Everybody liked this bit. I'm two and a half years into comedy here. I just gave it a trigger one. It's my turkey Thanksgiving bit. So you guys have a good holiday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, sir? No. How do you have a bad Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving, Christmas, sir? No. How do you have a bad Thanksgiving?

We had pigeon this year. It sucked. Stuffed it with soap. I don't want to watch myself blow it up. Did you read the article? They inject these turkeys with steroids now. Did you read the article? That triggers a chemical in us

that makes us very drowsy. It's true. Did you look around your house after Thanksgiving dinner? It's like there was a gas leak in the living room. I got dress pants on. What the fuck is going on? Hey, change of channel on the set. I can't. I'm paralyzed from the waist up.

Why don't you stuff the turkey with thorough seed for Christ's sake? Face down on the sofa. He passed out face down on the sofa for like eight hours, right? Look at my hair. You sit up, you fucking hack. Go fuck yourself, you greasy giddy. No, he wasn't. You're an asshole. Nice shirt.

Who dressed you, Rich Wood? My mother's a great cook, for some reason she feels she has to tie the legs up on a turkey like she's an escape artist or something. An artist? She's been dead for three weeks, you know, it's a butterball, my Houdini, take the shackles off. Laying that shit down, yo. And there's my career.

You see the star on the right? That's where it was. And then it fucking plummeted. Did you invent the windbreaker? Did I invent the windbreaker? That makes no sense. It's a shirt. It's not a jacket. Raz, I am not squared.

I'm a little three quarters of it. No, even on the other shot. Aren't I supposed to be squared up on the other shot? No, because we're showing a clip on the shot. I know, but we did that before, before you got here. I'm just asking. It doesn't matter to me because I look skinnier from three quarter angle. But something has, whatever.

I noticed this shit and it slows the show down. Could somebody open a fucking window in this motherfucker? Our Father who art in heaven. Well, anyways, we're not only throwing the turkey tradition away. People are tired of that. You live in America, for Christ's sake. You can go to a goddamn Sunoco station

and get a delicious sandwich on Thanksgiving. It's all about hanging out with your friends and relatives. That's what people say. Then you see these people, you're like, oh, yeah, I remember why I only see you once a year on Thanksgiving. You fucking voted for the thick-ankled dog face and you're driving an electric car, you whore. Now pass the stuffing. New Hampshire town removes Christmas from its Christmas ceremony after two people complain about being offended.

What the hell happened to New England? What happened to the region of the country that I grew up in where it all started? What the fuck happened? What happened to liberalism? Massachusetts, New Hampshire. Bernie lives in Vermont. What the fuck happened? Do you guys remember how it all started and why we fucking landed at fucking

the Hard Rock Cafe? I mean, Plymouth Rock. Do you remember we threw government off our backs? Do you remember all that shit? Now you're sucking government's dick in Rhode Island, Massachusetts. Fucking Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine a little bit. Embarrassing, in my opinion.

I mean, are you for this? Taking down because two people complained that it made them uncomfortable. When did that become the standard for life? I'm uncomfortable the minute my alarm clock goes off. You know, I'm uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable sitting on the toilet in the morning. Is this the best God came up with as far as plumbing? Anyways, here's a little story out of New Hampshire, Durham.

Well, what's important about Durham? It's a home of the University of New Hampshire. Any of these towns that are dotted by colleges, I have that theory, that liberal horseshit that's being taught on those colleges, it leaks into the surrounding towns and areas. And New England is filled with colleges and stupidity. It used to be, you know, higher education, before these became liberal indoctrination camps, would have a benefit. But now it's just the idiocy, the, hey, I'm a guy, but I'm a girl today. Fucking, hey, we've got to tolerate everything.

Hey, don't make me uncomfortable. Hey, I'm going to shut down your speech. All that is leaking into the fucking all these towns. Here's a little story for you about a couple idiots. And then there was another private citizen that came forward and said that he had always had a problem with the Christmas tree, so as he called it. Town councillor Sally Tobias says... Pause. That's the town councillor. Again, I'm wondering if women should get the vote. He's a little whore and a little piece of trash. God damn. Why is everyone so fucking stupid? Why aren't more people interrogated?

Go ahead, play the rest of her. Complaints is the reason for the lack of decoration. Two complaints. The wreaths, gone. And some so-called religious overtones will be removed from a town holiday celebration scheduled for December 7th. There were a couple of people, or maybe more than a couple of people, that did express some concern. Flyers for the newly named Frost Fest just started going up around town offering a bonfire. Pause. Frost Fest. Could we make it any more cold and just hot?

This is where we're headed. You fucking people in New England don't even see it. Are you happy for Frost Fest? You're going to take your kids to Frost Fest? Huh? Sit on the professor's lap. You can tell you why Santa Claus is a phony and Judeo-Christian beliefs don't belong in the pub. Go ahead. Nice.

They won't be happy until this country has all the warmth of a DMV on Christmas Eve. Fucking Frost Fest. We found Tommy Carbone in the truck. It took three days to thaw him out for the autopsy. That's a Frost Fest. Fucking, I want to fly to New England right now and pee all over the corn. Go ahead.

...and cookie decorating. What you won't see is mention of Santa or a tree. Santa will be here, but he will not be arriving on a fire truck as usual. Since when does Santa arrive on a fire truck in the first place? The fuck's going on in New Hampshire? I've never

as a kid looked in the sky and seen fucking a fire truck flying over. This year he'll be coming in an electric car with a bag full of dildos for your transgender kids. Pick one. I wish I had kids. I would be so fun to go against the grain.

I'd fucking make sure my daughter played with dolls. If she didn't, I'd fucking lock her in the cellar, tie her to a radiator and starve her. Rich, I don't want to hear it. You got nothing. Face the other way. You actually make me angry. Rich, spin around, please.

Take a time out. Thank you. He gets this look on his face, and you know it's coming. No, he's got a good one. Go ahead. Go ahead, fuckstain. Fire stations have a north pole. No, they actually have a pole.

Go south, too. They have a north and south pole. Not bad. Not bad. Look, he had a smile on his face. He thought he was going to blow the roof off the place. Not bad for you, Rich. I've got to give you that much.

You know who else has a pole? That's right. Your father, right up his dirty ass. Do you have a father? No, he passed. I hope it's congenital. I, uh... Was his name Dick Wood?

Take your time, Roland. Why don't you move back? You just told me to spin around. That was five minutes ago. I've asked you a question since then. You answer it, and then you put your chair four feet away from the mic. I've kind of looked at you as a father figure lately. All right, enough.

Now I'm scared. Jesus fucking Christ. Oh, God, help. Now I'm scared. Jesus fucking Christ. Oh, God, help me. Oh, God. Oh,

that dirty cocksucker. Is there more of this bitch that tried... We'll be lighting our tree, but it will not be... I don't believe there'll be a countdown

in a big light. Oh, my agent popped in there. That was my agent. Fucking Barry Schwartz. Nick's got a wonderful special out called Breath of Fresh Air, and it's just that I tell all of you.

He was complaining. He wanted to put up a menorah, and they wouldn't let him. They're pushing religion out of the fucking public, you know. And you can keep saying that, you fucking secular jerk-off progressives. You can keep saying it, but the word God's on my fucking money, and it's in the Constitution. And let me explain it to you one more time. and it's in the Constitution. And let me explain it to you one more time.

In the Constitution, a government can't force you into some religion. You have the freedom to do whatever you want. That's the beauty of this country. But they're trying to, you know, muddy that argument, and I'm just so tired of it. And it's so sad. New England, New Hampshire, Maine, you won't find more beautiful places, you know, And wintertime.

I had a good joke a few years ago. It's time to break it out. It's a holiday joke. But, you know, you have to, now when you're in an office building, whatever, and you have a display in the lobby, you have to have all the, you can't just have a Christmas tree. If you do, you have to have, or if you can't, you know, manger scene. If you have to have a manger scene, you have to have a menorah next to it.

And I was against that. My friend's like, why? Are you anti-Semitic? I go, no, a menorah is eight candles. You get the manger with all that hay in there. It's a fucking fire hazard. What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you?

Next thing you know, you get a little black Jesus. Well, then somebody will be happy. By the way, Jesus wasn't, and it's true. They write on the pictures of, you know, Jesus looked like Joe Montana at fucking Notre Dame and all the houses I went in as a kid. But he really looks more like Colin Kaepernick, I believe. Giant fucking afro, that hateful beard. That I hate whitey haircut. That's what Jesus looked like.

I think he ran like a 4'6", 40 too. Not bad for a Jew slash white guy. I don't know. He ran a good cross. He ran a good cross. Cross Ralph. Yeah, no, he fucking... He ran a good cross.

See? Raz just figured out Why that joke sucked In three seconds I wish you'd run across Run across a busy street Now this is the kind of Banter we like I'm dressed like

I'm gonna cut wood After the show With my life partner Diane I cannot wait for this show To be over Because I swear to God with my life partner, Diane. I cannot wait for this show to be over because I swear to God, it's 97 in here right now. Oh, my aching stem. Speaking of Thanksgiving and delicious foods,

anybody ever have pork? Pork on the hall? Pork shoulder, you can't beat it. I've made three pulled pork since I've been down here. I'm having Raz over. I told him I can knock the shit out of, you know what, collard greens. And I love all that shit. I swear to God, I'm black from the waist up.

Now, listen. Oh, there's an old fucking white dick joke in there somewhere. But Raz is coming over. He's bringing his 11 kids. Raz Jr. is here. Fucking, that kid's going to get a lot of girls, dude. Let's get the high cheekbones in. What is your wife's ethnicity?

I know she's white, but what is she? Czech. Czech? Yes. As in Czech Republic? Yeah, like a... A type of Polack, but what is she? Czech. Czech? Yes. As in Czech Republic? Yeah, like a... A type of Polack, as Christopher Moltisanti said. On The Sopranos.

Guy goes, I'm from the Czech Republic. He goes, that's a type of Polack, right? Ooh, she's Czech? Really? Part of her. Part of her? What's the other part? Don't say Native American.

I will shit blood right here we'll give her a test anyways what's going on uh how does this happen in america in 2019 a texas woman was killed by feral hogs outside her home in an unbelievable they put in the headline unbelievable tragic incident well thanks for connecting the dots i was belly laughing when i read the first part of it and then you told me it was a sad story. Authorities say feral hogs attacked and killed a woman outside of Southeast Texas home where she worked as a caretaker. Naturally, a woman who's doing good. You know what I mean? Out there helping people. And this is how she dies. That's why I want to believe in God. then somebody say but God has a plan for everybody

oh that was the plan for her you know this bitch is helping too many people let's have her fucking get eaten in a parking lot by wild hogs did she have it coming oh yeah she had it coming she used to help old people wipe their asses and brush their teeth and get them ready for the day she deserves to die

Christine Rollins cared for an elderly couple and brush their teeth and get them ready for the day. She deserves to die. I just don't understand. Christine Rollins cared for an elderly couple at their home in a small town of Anahok. I don't know what that is, but Anahok. Can you imagine? That's what they find. Hawthorne said Monday, the 84-year-old woman she cared for was waiting for Rollins to arrive on Sunday. Hawthorne said Monday The 84 year old woman

She cared for Was waiting for Rollins To arrive on Sunday The woman went outside Found the 59 year old She's only 59 In the front yard Between her car

And the front door I mean pitbulls I can understand But fucking What is this? What was that show? The Ponderosa? Gunsmoke?

Hawthorne says Rollins had a severe head wound and several other injuries consistent with hanging out with Rich Wood. Consistent with an animal bite. The coroner in neighboring Jefferson County ruled Monday Rollins bled to death after an attack by feral hogs. The station reported that the medical examiner said the cause of death was exsanguation due to a feral hog assault. You have to be fucking kidding me. Nothing to see here. Please disperse.

Nothing to see. kidding me. Do you have pictures of the actual feral hogs that did this to this woman? Oh, God help us. Anyways, pray for Miss Rollins. you know. It couldn't have been a crack whore or a prostitute. Nick, why do you say that?

Are you really saying a prostitute should be? Yes, sometimes. The ones that steal money off your dresser and shit, you know. I wanted a pit bull. I'm getting a feral hog now. I'm going to tie it up to my fucking lamppost. Go ahead, Rich. You look like you have something dumb brewing.

Give us a dumb pun joke. It'll be a good Thanksgiving next year for you. What does that even fucking mean? Because you're going to get sick of it and eat hog. Again, I'm going to explain this one. Do you understand you have to give when you make a joke? You can't call back to something from five minutes ago. And if you've got to, you have to give the people.

There's no connection there. You just said it's going to be a good Thanksgiving for you. There's not enough there for people to go back. Oh, he meant because I'm trying to help you. I can't tell if this is an act or you're real. Do I make you nervous? Thanks, Dad. You are not my

son. If you were my son, fucking, I would fucking give you up for adoption at age 21. Go on, look, this guy's still working at Dairy Queen, and he's happy about it. Rich has great taste, though. He dresses like my fucking

mother wanted me to dress. Nice sweater with a shirt on it. Comes in. He's got a scarf on today. Shorts in the low 60s here. He's dressed like he just came off a skidoo in the fucking Arctic. Jeans and how much are those shoes, Rich? They're Prada. I said how much?

Is this shit coming out in Spanish? $900. $900 shoes? $900. $900 shoes. $900 shoes. He's telemarketing right now. He's calling you. How's the 5 o'clock going? Do you have insurance?

Click. I'm kidding. He's doing very well. This kid's a tech genius. This is how much of a genius he is. I said, I need to watch football. And somehow he pulled it off. He knows everybody at the Har Gray.

He makes the calls, and we're having trouble at my house getting cable when we first got here, and he made 11 calls. Nothing ever happened. Not a fucking thing. A couple guys came out. I never heard of him.

I said he fucking knows all you guys. Oh, my aching stem. His backdrop fell down the other day. Took out my fucking lamp. You notice there's no lamp in the picture, folks? Crushed my lamp into a fine dust. Made me jump a foot. I was getting coffee.

Finally, tonight I was getting coffee. Finally, tonight I meet the press. How do I tie this into a Thanksgiving themed show? Doctor saves travelers' life by sucking urine from man's bladder during mid-flight emergency. Well, I guess you could have those as drinks before the bird. I don't know what to say.

That's a good doctor, though. I suck cough. Not really. You saved the guy. And I love it. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy. That was a quote from the doctor after he saved the guy. Really unnecessary.

Zhang Hong. If I was going to make up a stereotypical offensive Chinese name, I'd go Zhang Hong and Ching Flang. I'd go, Zhang Hong and Ching Flang. Zhang Hong, a surgeon from the first affiliated hospital of Jinan University in Gangzhou. That's where I go for my physicals. My primary care physician is an Asian guy. He's 4'11". Saved an elder man's life by sucking urine from the traveler's blocked bladder during a medical emergency. That's a good doctor or a very horny one.

The ill passenger was sweating and had a swollen belly. That's me on every flight. That's me after I fucking, I always get the cheese plate for $4, and I have a lactose intolerance. My belly blows up. The man's family had also informed the cabin crew that the traveler was previously diagnosed with an enlarged prostate, which Zhang suspected was causing blockage. Jesus Christ, what's it the size of a fucking NFL football that caused blockage?

He was going into shock. I have an enlarged prostate. I don't go into shock. I go into a bathhouse and go, who wants to tuck this in? He was going into shock and may have suffered a risk to his life if we didn't tend to him urgently, the doctor said. Here's a video of the guy going into action i really admire this guy this is unbelievable look he's spitting it into a wine bottle look at him sucking the urine he's like macgyver he hooked up a straw to a Sucking the urine.

He's like MacGyver. He hooked up a straw to a... Unbelievable. Huh? Now, you know what kills me? They saved the guy. His bladder was going to explode. That guy pulls a MacGyver thing.

Beer bottle. Right? But I, you know, I want a fucking Bloody Mary. And they go, sir, it'll be about a half hour. How many times did that old guy ring that bell, too? Go ahead, Rich.

Let it fly. I hope that doctor's on my PPO. Here's the thing, folks. You think this is like staged i said yeah you can be a foil but he's not trying to be do you understand me well that that was the joke the ppo you hope that talks to the ppo he's trying to he actually actually is trying to be funny. That's what's so beautiful about this. I hope he's on your PPO too.

Meanwhile, Zhang did it to eight other people then people started to question him. One guy's like, I don't have to piss. Let me see it. Meanwhile, Zhang and another physician

on board, I'm not going to say his fucking name because it's like reading the credits after Hawaii Five-0. Everybody did that bit back in the 80s. You know, fucking ting-plang-plang played by shing-flang-plang. Oh, thank you for connecting the dots.

I thought it was zing-fling-chung who was playing ting-tong-pong. Meanwhile, Zang in another position on board. Reportedly fashioned a makeshift catheter out of a plastic tubing. This is what I'm talking about. We can't, you know, can't use plastic straw. This guy fucking makeshift catheter plastic tubing from an oxygen mask, straws from milk cartons, tape, and a syringe from the aircraft's medical kit. Unbelievable. These Asians, I'll tell you, that's a doctor, man.

However, the needle on the device was too small to drain the urine. After experiencing difficulty, somebody threw him a crazy straw and he said, Fuck you. I'm not going to break a blood vessel trying to unload this guy's piss. After experiencing difficulty and easing pressure on the passage of blood, Zhang stepped up to suck out the urine himself. What? Wait a minute. All right. He was spitting it into a wine bottle.

Go ahead. Make a joke about that, Rich. Look, he's rolling towards the mic. I'll pass on this one. See, you couldn't do it, could you? Look, he's rolling towards the mic. I'll pass on this one. See, you couldn't do it, could you?

The doctor spent 37 minutes draining approximately 800 milliliters of urine from the man's block. People got suspicious when they said it should have taken four to five minutes to top. Dr. Zang was asked to leave the plane in shame. Finally tonight, thank God, it's 197. And I hope you all have a great holidays. And if you're a Trump supporter, bring it up first. Be proactive. Like I said, if they start to get ugly, I've told you this every Thanksgiving.

If they start giving you bullshit and call it the minute somebody calls you a racist or bigot, you go into the fridge. I told you to do this a few days ago. You have a bag of blood from the raw turkey. Put it in the fucking gravy. And then you go over and let me fucking freshen you up, Grampy. Or whatever. Auntie with a mustache and a thick neck. Try my gravy.

Anyways, here's a story that's not even related. Florida man tries to recruit ISIS to kill two college deans. You know, I would just I would just follow this guy around based on his fucking looks. But Salman Rashid, guilty. Twenty three is facing charges of soliciting another person to commit a crime of violence for asking an undercover FBI source on November 8th and 9th to place explosive devices targeting the deans of Miami Dade College and Broward College where he had been suspended or expelled. Piece of shit. Rashid of North Miami Beach. Oh my God. How can a guy with the name Salman Rashid be living in Jew country, Miami Beach?

He must wake up with a hate on every day. Rashid of North Miami Beach requested that the size of the bombs be used to kill both deans be as massive as possible and provided details to a source who purported to be a member of ISIS willing to carry out the attack about where the device should be placed as well as the security at the colleges. FBI officials initially started investigating Rashid in April of 2018 after a series of his public Facebook posts called for Islamic law to replace democracy. Put a picture of him up, okay?

Can't judge a book by its cover. Oh, for the love of my mother's ass. You sure? Come on, that's on you, Raz. I sent you the article with a picture, did I not? Probably not. Sure you can, just pick any Arab guy. Just Google fucking, Google Al-Qaeda and throw it up there.

It'll be like, you know, Zing Wang Wang played by Fing Fung Fang. His name's Rashid, Salman Rashid. Anyways, he put it up on Facebook, his growing hatred of America and non-Muslims. He called for Islamic law to replace democracy in the United States. Don't you think right there he should have been thrown out of the country oh Nick that's ridiculous freedom of speech no he's fucking promoting hate I can't even do that Rich's tried many times when they asked his lawyer there he is guilty fucking guilty guilty

I don't like your fake smile why do you have a woman's snatch on your chin and the top of your head looks like a dirty Q-tip fuck you and everything you believe in you fuck face this is what his lawyer had to say Durka Durka Muhammad Jihad Hakka Sherpa Sherpa Abakala

what was that? Roya Balagimakhnele Durka Durka Muhammad Jihad Hakka Sherpa Sherpa Bakala Bakala May of 2019

Listen to what else he did This guy should have gone a long time ago Sought out a confidential source to contact ISIS brothers to conduct the terror attacks to avenge perceived attacks on Muslims. The source and Rashid then allegedly agreed on two individuals to target earlier this month. These two people, they need to die, Rashid told an undercover source in one recorded conversation about the deans. Just a fucking punk.

Rasheed was suspended from Miami Dade College last December where he returned punts. After stalking a fellow student and sending her a threatening text message. What a fucking piece of garbage. In one, Rasheed allegedly told the woman that the creator, that's in quotes,

had decided our destiny and chosen separate paths for us. Oh, my God. Rashid, who made his initial court appearance on Monday, faces up to 20 years in prison if convicted. You know what? See you. Bye-bye. And bye-bye to you folks. I hope you have a terrific Thanksgiving everybody

everybody and Rich and Rich is going to his orphanage to give the how about your mom is she around and I'm sorry about your dad no it's okay she's up north she's up north North Pole she's in a firehouse with 12 guys right now

she's with Mr. Claus did you see the call back I just did and how it worked? How Raz got it? Because I gave enough. There you go. Alright. The end to a beautiful week. He's my fixer. He does a lot of shit. He really does. Rich, the toilet's clogged. Get on it. Rich, Raz's waste paper basket

is full. Get on it. Anyways, that is it. Patreon members, we love you. Thank you so much for tuning in. And Stephanie Cannon coming up. Big Elvito. Don't forget my tour dates at nickdip.com. We'll be back here on Monday.

Remember, you guys think it. I will say it. You're very welcome. Have a great Thanksgiving, everybody. guitar solo We'll see you next time.