The Nick DiPaolo Show - Vance Wallops Walz | Nick Di Paolo Show #1631

Episode Date: October 2, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about the Vice Presidential debate and much more! Use promo code NICKDIP to double your money on your 1st MyBookie deposit. Head to https://www.mybookie.website/NICKDIP Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! 11/9/24 – Bridge View Center Theater – Ottumwa, IA For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

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Merchants Bank is a proud member FDIC. It's an off-color remark. It's highly inappropriate. Haven't heard that in my whole life, have I? Hi folks, welcome to the show. I hope you don't mind off-color remarks. That was my nickname, off-color remark. There he goes., off color remark. There he goes, off color remark. Good name for a white rapper.

Off color OCR. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Jews in the hood! I'm nervous because I did Dave Smith's podcast, Libertarian, love him, fucking smart as a whip. And he was nice enough to have me on his podcast that he streamed live at the Skankfest. And you know, so I thanked everybody that asked me to go there and I thanked him, you know, DM him on X. Thank him for having me on the show and I haven't heard back I'm hoping he's just very busy and not going oh was that a mistake when he wished cancer on

Kamala which I did and I meant it and if anybody has a problem that fuck you my president got his face shot at and those same people didn't even want to talk about it and they still didn't even want to talk about it and they still didn't really bring it up and then his life was threatened again so my words all bets are off i'll say anything the fuck i want if you can shoot at my guy and i know you idiots at home well not you idiots you guys vote like me but the people who don't would be watching this going well kamala harrison biden didn't do that yeah Yeah, they did. They didn't do it themselves. They had the henchmen do it.

And again, if something happens to Trump, they'll blame Iran because that's how they've set it up. I just don't happen to believe any of that shit. But anyways, Dave, call me. Hope I didn't say anything too coarse. Oh, for the love of God. Mr. DePaulo, I know it could be as nasty as you pretend to be, unless they really wanted to be disliked. Who says I'm pretending?

The show's been very good this week. You know why? Because I was on the road, I felt like a comic again. Busy, busy, fucking on stage, doing sets I didn't have to do, I've never done that in my life. Well, when I was young I did these teeth are coming out tonight you have pliers right motherfucker got hammer see these these are had them knocked out so I had no some nice crowns put on and the bottom ones again look like Jed Clampett after chewing skull for 60 years Texas gold. Coffee, I'm not blaming the cigarettes because, honest to God folks, I have one in the morning and one at night maybe, which most people can't do. I was a real smoker for about six months

of my life, that was about it, and I'm the type of guy they'll find a giant tumor because I've been wishing cancer on everybody I hate You know, I'm gonna wake up with a giant goita there was a guy in my hometown We called him iron Mike homeless guy, you know old gray beard but he had a goita on his neck the size of his head a Thing sticking out like this like a heavy bag and he would like to use it as a my pillow built into his neck bag and he would like to use it as a my pillow built into his neck I'm not kidding you he'd be sleeping on a park bench he should have had a face tattooed on it oh yes he should have Tyson's face tattooed on it I and Mike why were we calling him I am Mike that was before even Tyson because I was a kid Tyson

wasn't on the scene yet I don don't know. Somebody gave him that name. Anyways, if his life wasn't tragic enough, then he was in a homeless shelter in Beverly Mass, which is right next to my town where a lot of my relatives are, a homeless shelter I think on Rand Tulle Street, which burned down and him and a few other homeless guys died in a fire. And my first question, when you think that thing, when it got heated up, it exploded. And the other guys thought it was a sprinkler system, so they stayed there. And then they're like, that's Crown Royal.

He was a camel, didn't know it. He could have had two. But he would use that fucker. Yes, I do find amusement in other people's pain if that's what you're asking. That's how I deal with it. It's why I do what I fucking do. You know what I mean?

And again, if somebody falls down in front of me and gets hurt bad, I'm going to laugh till I shit my pants. Whether I know them or not, it's, I don't know if it was in my dad, it's a very fucking odd thing. Don Gavin goes, it's nothing funny than seeing like your friends fall down. Well, maybe somebody catching on fire. That's even funnier. But all right, enough of the chit chat baseball real quick.

Braves, I know that. I think I shut out, I think, right? No, we know you got one. We limped into the wild card. Right. And we only gave up one last night to San Diego. Still two left. You lost the first one last night, yes. The Mets beat up on a lot of Brewers.

Mets really turned it on at the end of the season because they sucked big dick at the beginning. And who else? We got the Orioles lost. KC. Orioles beat KC, right? No, no. KC beat the Ori or and the Tigers beat

Houston Tigers beat Astros and I believe those over Baltimore they did right see those are two upsets are these wild card game these are right okay very it's only you know it's the best of three so you can't fucking it makes for good baseball I loved it was a 1-0 game the American League games are really pitches duals love them. I just everybody's hanging on every pitch All right. Let's get to the debates last night speaking of competition, which it really wasn't as you know, JD Vance took on Fucking Cub Scout molester. I'm just just kidding that was a me joking around everybody he doesn't like Cub Scouts he's more of an Eagle Scout fellow again kidding excuse me that's from eating my dog's ass you know delicious he said did

you hear that you got to lean into the mic on that no but I like whenever I had you on the phone on Monday and all I heard you say is stop wiping your ass in the rug and then I hear Andy talking in the background. Dallas goes, are you talking to Andy? I go, yeah, I hit her with the newspaper twice. My little dog, what are they fucking? They motor across with their legs up. Like I call it the pup in a wheelie and they said to me the dog specialist get a spray bottle with water in it and squirt her in the face and I found the Clorox works way better they fucking don't make your sandwich after you do that and the debate clips last night just to sum up quick JD Vance mopped the

floor with him what he did JD Vance mopped the floor with him What he did JD Vance and I know this was a strategy. He's like what don't they like about Trump during these debates? He's a little too aggressive blah blah blah And I'm a and he just was so cordial and nice and he was the antithesis of I like Trump's person out Don't what I'm just saying for people who might be on the fence I think this is what he was he's so polished So polished and he hasn't been in government as long as this fuckstein and he just ate him alive He was so polished and and like I said never lost his temper or raised his voice Which people on the fence that's some of the a lot of people aren't voting for Trump just because of that But if they saw him, they're not against what Trump's policies are some of the a lot of people aren't voting for Trump just because of that, but if they saw him

They're not against what Trump's policies are some of them He did it beautifully and defended Trump's points of view beautifully and this son of a bitch lied as you'll see Alex get right Let's get the clip number one, which what's what is this when they shut the mics on him the first one They started fact-checking. Yes, they fact-checked mr. Vance Guess what? He wasn't fucking having it. Watch how he plays this cuz this fucking joke governor I just clarify for our viewers Springfield Ohio does have a large number of Haitian migrants who have legal status pause Nobody asked you number one He was just talking about illegals in fucking Springfield, Ohio.

And this, they can't help themselves. This jerk-off woman, they can't help themselves. When libs are confronted with somebody who speaks the truth or just in plain English and not put some libspin on it, they can't help themselves. They came out a couple days ago and said, we're notin on it, they can't help themselves. They came out a couple days ago and said, we're not going to do what the ABC moderators did. And it's exactly what they did.

They fact-checked him a couple times. And it was a big, nobody asked her to pipe in. You're not supposed to fucking, go ahead, JD. Temporary protected status. Well, Margaret, but- Thank you, Senator. We have so much to pipe in. You're not supposed to fucking go ahead, J.D. Temporary protected. Well, Margaret, but thank you, Senator. We have so much to get to. Margaret, the rules were that you guys were going to fact check. And since you're fact checking me, I think it's important to say what's actually going on. So there's an

application called the CBP one app where you can go on as an illegal migrant apply for asylum or apply for parole, and be granted legal status at the wave of a Kamala Harris open border wand. That is not a person coming in applying for a green card and waiting for 10 years. That is the facilitation of illegal immigration, Margaret, by our own leadership. Thank you, Senator, for describing the legal process. We have so much to get to Senator. Those laws have been on the books since 1990.

Thank you gentlemen. The CBT One App has not been on the books. Hello? Hello? Hello? The audience can't hear you because your mics are cut. We have so much we want to get to. Thank you for explaining.

Fuck you too. Dude, the condescension. Did you hear it? Thank you for explaining the legal. You, let me tell you something. And this goes for, you know what's funny? You guys always try to pin Trump supporters and paint them with one brush as racist and all. You, every one of you to the man, to the woman, in between your pompous arrogant know-it-all assholes who don't know shit and get nervous when something doesn't fit you a fucking narrative I would have women doing it all the time the moderators because they're so full of themselves and He handled that beautifully Now if I was him I would have jumped over the podium, got them both in a scissors lock,

fucking dropped. I would have done ground and pound on both of them while I was biting their tits. Oh, yi yi. Yeah, condescension. After being asked about the discrepancy on his claim he was in China, this is clip two, we're talking about Walt's's during the Tiananmen Square Massacre. Walt spent two minutes delivering a delicious word salad, croutons, blue cheese, the whole nine yards around the question. Here is the

follow-up to that non-answer. Governor, just to follow up on that, the question was can you explain the discrepancy? All I said on this was I got there that summer and misspoke on this so I will just, that's what I've said. So I was in Hong Kong and China during the democracy protest and from that I learned a lot of what needed to be in governance. I learned a lot of what needed to be in governance. He misspoke.

He said he, he said he was like getting tandem in square when he went down. He was in Hong Kong, by the way, if you don't know, that's not really China. I did comedy in Hong Kong. That's my proudest. I've been around this mother fucker. What a, what a city. Have you been to Hong Kong? You know, dude, the skyline makes New York or Chicago look like Burlington, Vermont. It goes on forever. And they have

escalators outside. Like when you want to fucking outside, if you're on a street, you want to go to the street above, you get an escalator. And you could eat off the frigging subway. They were so clean. I actually had broccoli and poodle right on the floor I'll use that joke for a million years and then on the next clip we have here what is it which one January 6 Waltz is talking about so he's already allowed to be Tiananmen Square and just admitted it when you say you misspeak you could tell he's ashamed looking up oh I shit my pants here he is talking about January 6th and let's go a whopper of a lie there's one though that this one this

one is troubling to me and I say that because I think we need to tell the story Donald Trump refused to acknowledge this and the fact is is that I don't think we can be the frog in the pot and let the boiling water go up you just make that up clear I mean he lost his election and he said he didn't. I was 40. He didn't. He didn't. And I'll say it again. He didn't. People go the laptop, the 51 guys that sign it said it was Russian disinformation.

Zuckerberg throwing a half a billion dollars into the Philadelphia area and setting up voting booth, all that fucking horse shit. I'm forgetting about four other things. Oh, cardboard on the windows in Detroit. All of a sudden, Biden getting a spike in the middle of the night. Pennsylvania, the state legislature changing the laws on how you can vote and who can vote

two weeks before the election. No, but the court said it was a bunch of, they didn't even look at it. The courts wouldn't even let the case in so he didn't fucking lose it And by the way 10% it was 10% of Democrats that if they knew about the laptop That fucking lie they would have voted the other way which was enough to change in Georgia and one other state where it was like the difference was like five thousand votes, so you're full of shit there But if you want to I'll play along, you know

The million fucking other reasons, but listen to this fucking whopper Police officers were beaten at the Capitol that day some with the American flag several later died and it wasn't just in the cause 140 cops are hurt. I didn't hear ever that. And by the way, not several cops died. One died of a heart attack like the next day or that night. And again, not from being beat or shit. That's been debunked. Tucker Carlson showed footage nobody else had from the cameras inside. Remember the guy, the viking with a hat on, showing Capitol Police escorting him literally into the fucking chambers. So you're full of shit that this is the one that makes me the most nuts of all the lies

out there, more than Russiagate, that that fucking Trump lost that because a bunch of governors agreed to. You're fucking good. In Minnesota, a group gathered on the state capitol grounds in St. Paul and said we're marching to the governor's residence and there may be casualties. He said march peacefully. But what about all the casualties during BLM riots in your own state? That's what I had, exactly. I, Gut Falls model log, I said that. Oh, I guess he's confusing it with the riots in his state, which he stopped way too late.

You know, remember the riot with the cop kneeling in the upstanding citizen's throat? So yeah, it was a fastball down the middle. I don't even know if JD pounced on that the way he should have. Now here are the closing remarks and this is Timmy Waltz. Kimmela Harris is bringing us a new way forward. She's bringing us a politics of joy. Pause. She's bringing. Game over. Game over over can you imagine looking into America's eyes at a time? We're on the brink of World War three Excuse me Inflation terrorists in this country don't know where they are Millions of violent illegals and this fucker has the balls to look you in the eye go bringing us joy

That's what we're gonna bring you Just let that what do you fucking get a cooking show? Oh my God, the politics of joy. Why don't you stick a carrot right my eye, go ahead. Real solutions for the middle class and she's centering you at the heart of that. We have the greatest. Centering you at the heart of it by not doing an interview,

doing two total the last fucking 100 days. Is that how you do it? Honest to God, folks, I have a pit in my stomach that they're going to give this to her because the media is trying so hard. Every headline is there tied. She's ahead. It's everything I expected. I have a pit in my fucking stomach that they're going to give this election to her just like they did fucking Biden. And if that happens, I would be worried if I was Kamala Harris and I don't want to say any more.

I don't know what the reaction would be on the right. I'm hoping it is what I'm hoping it's going to be good. This country, the most beautiful country, the most incredible people anywhere in the world, but they're not going to most incredible people anywhere in the world. But they're not going to be able to achieve their full dreams with the broken leadership that we have in Washington. And whether you vote for me or vote for Tim Walz, I just want to say I'm so proud to be doing this and I'm rooting for you.

God bless you and good night. Smoked them. Smoked them. So the consensus, by the way way at the end of that was that JD mopped the floor even CNN all those I'm reading the papers today they couldn't really say anything bad about JD they actually said he was polished and blah blah blah so Waltz did not did not look good last night hey anyways this football season ladies and gentlemen

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actual news. Also, while you're at Nick Dip, click on the tour button. November 9th, Bridgeview Center Theater, Ottomwa, Iowa. Can't wait for that. Haven't been there. I don't know that I've ever done a gig in Iowa. I know I played football there for four years and blew my knee out. November 9th Bridgeview Center Theatre, Atomwa, Iowa. And second half of the show, if you're going to stick around, I got a story about Israel.

Hezbollah, as you know, showered them with rockets and oh oh oh does Israel have a plan I don't know why people I don't know whatever and also some more trans news this time and I think it's college girls volleyball and some women are upset because you know they've some of their opponents have giant pee-pees. I can't put it any nicer. Hi, good night everybody. Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!

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