The Nick DiPaolo Show - Vivek Schools Maher | Nick Di Paolo Show #1449

Episode Date: August 30, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Trump on Glenn Beck, Vivek smacking Maher and a whole lot more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Hello. Welcome to Meet the Press. I'm some left-wing lying cocksucker. Today on the show, more lying cocksuckers that agree with me. No. Here's Al Roker with the weather. Happy birthday to Margaret Singding in fucking Ohio. She's 1,100 years old today. Hasn't shit since the early 40s.

Anyways. Good to be with you folks on a Wednesday. We're sitting here apparently with the eye of, what's the bitch's name coming down? Adelia. Adelia, yeah, coming down on us supposedly. My family keeps going, have you got hit yet? And I take a picture of me outside catching a raindrop. Fucking leave on my head.

Going, relax. I said, this town is blessed. Understand we're with Jesus over here. Not in Schvugbill. Anyways what? No but supposedly who knows later on today I mean I woke up this morning it was raining like a motherfucker but so what? That's rain. But Florida did get it. My sister just sent me a picture of Madera Beach, wherever that is, and the streets downtown look like an ocean. So

it happens. Oh, it's global warming. Shut your fucking saggy tits, John Kerry. Shit's been going on since dinosaurs, right? You know why dinosaurs went extinct, Dallas, by the way? You know why? They couldn, Alice, by the way? You know why?

They couldn't convert to the metric system. It was a David Letterman joke. That's when I fell in love. I think I was in college when he did that one. Anyhow, yeah, so we're waiting for the storm to bang down on us, but I don't know. We seem to, like I said, Savannah sits in just a hair, so it goes down, it blows by us, like all the islands, like Dallas said, off of Savannah, and we're sort of tucked here, but you never know. I just had a new roof put on it. God damn it, if something happens to that, I'll blame Biden. Anyways, let's get to it. Red Sox won't even bring it up. biden anyways let's get to it red socks won't even bring it up let's just say they'll be great next year can i say that um and if it's not atlanta and houston in the worlds and that would be a doozy because i've seen both teams and they are fucking loaded where do they find these especially uh houston where do they find these reliever what do they have a pipeline to dominican

republic these big greasy guys come in with dreadlocks, and they all throw a touch in the 100-101. Like, it's nothing. It really is amazing. Devers, poor Devers has taken a step back at third base. He'll make a play that Brooks Robinson couldn't make, and then he'll make two where he looks like me. I don't know what would happen.

Anyways, let's get on with it. You guys don't give a fuck. You're probably all homos. You like soccer. Headline, Trump trashes indictment. Former President Donald Trump, I still say he's the president so you can suck my ass, told nationally syndicated radio host and Blaze Media co-founder and half a billionaire, radio host and Blaze Media co-founder and half a billionaire, Glenn Beck, who liked me for about five weeks and then dumped me, who I still like. Tuesday, he ultimately won't

need to run his campaign from a prison cell, Trump says, because his case is strong. It's strong. Maybe probably the strongest. Strong case. It's strong. Maybe the strongest we've ever seen. It's the perfect case. It's strong and the charges against him are, he says, flimsy like Melania's skirts. Am I right? Yes, sir. As for the impact of the four indictments he has been slapped with, Trump did not appear

remotely skittish, intimating they are just more of what has already, he's already withstood, and that there will be a reckoning at the ballot box. You still believe in elections even after what they did you? Because the public gets it, he says in quotes. Beck noted early in the interview, Beck noted early in the interview, you've seen the deep state. We now all know what you saw was true and deeper than I think any of us knew. They've weaponized everything. They are serious about trying to put you in prison.

Like some rigged game, you know what I mean? Was that low? I might have fucking not turned that up. Anyways, let's move on. I've got a great thing going here. Trump has been indicted, if you haven't heard, for allegedly falsifying business records, retaining classified national defense information,

conspiring to defraud the U.S. and to violate civil rights, and touching a 12-year-old girl at the Burlington Mall behind the water fountain. What? Cut. I'm kidding. And for allegedly false statements and racketeering. Yeah, okay. He's fucking Carlo Gambino. All amounting to 91 counts. Do you understand? There he is.

Here's his mugshot. He's just letting the brothers know. The white supremacist is like, wait a minute. I thought you were going to be on our side. Look, man. Brother's got my back. Anyhow, back from my – oh, God. This is how I'm losing my mind, folks.

I made coffee out there in the coffee machine. No, I didn't. What am I saying? This is my first cup of coffee. And I used the coffee cup that somebody else, me or you, used yesterday. I didn't put a new one in. It's weaker than a kid with cancer. Speaking of that, again, messing last night.

Five innings of cancer talk. Can I go off on a rant? I'm going to digress here. Well, October's coming up, so now we get to go with breast cancer for the entire month here soon. Well, of course, because no one's aware of it. We have to make people aware of breast cancer. What are you, shitting me? I've felt every tit on the East Coast, looking for lumps since I was 18.

Yummy, yummy. Nesson, they don't even understand. Boston's turning into its virtue signal USA. They have a kid with cancer, found out at the first pitch. I'm sitting home, and I understand. I feel bad for these kids.

Nothing worse than a sick kid. I agree with all that. My point, and I'll say it again, there's a time and place for everything. People go to the goddamn ballgame to get away from kids with cancer, get away from fucking wars, AIDS, fucking Pelosi's tits. That's why we have baseball and football

You fucks But you liberals don't You just 24 hours a day Look I'm a good person Look what we're doing Fucking tired of it I'm actually I'm saying shit like

This kid ain't gonna see the 8th inning He's so sick What are you fucking Fucking honestly though And I know that's not a popular stance, but people will agree with me who have a little bit of smarts. You know what I'm saying? There's a place for that, place for that.

Really sports is supposed to be the toy department of life, as somebody said. Anyways, back to this shit. Beck reminded Trump that he used to say about Hillary, that fat twat, I'll slap her silly. Yes. Did you hear that? He used to say about Hillary, lock her up. And now they're trying to do it to him. And here's what Teflon Don had to say about that with Glenn Beck. Do you regret not locking her up?

No, Santa. And if you're president again, will you lock people up? Well, I'll give you an example. The answer is you have no choice because they're doing a test. I always had such great respect for the office of the president, the presidency, but the office of the president. And I never hit Biden as hard as I could have. And then I heard he was trying to indict me and it was him that was doing it. You know, I don't think he's sharp enough to think about much, but he was there. He was probably the one giving the order, but he was, you know, hard to believe that he even thinks about that because he's gone.

He's gone? Is that what he said? While Trump indicated the various efforts to preclude him from running again have prompted a boost in the polls he said that his staying power that's right his staying power i'm staying right here is the result of the abundance of uh love of what we stand for including a great economy and strong borders amen to that and not only is the and i don't have to point this out again but the double-edged sword is it would be one thing if biden was like a clean president straight and getting the you know i mean but to be fucking the most crooked prick that ever sat in that thing selling his name having his son sell his brand making illegal deals with ch and and and to do this to a guy who they like he said

they have every document of his. They have millions and millions of Trump's documents. I swear to God, he's the cleanest guy ever to sit in a fucking White House. And you idiots on the left that vote Democrat, you believe this? You don't go, hey, they try to hang him by his balls eight times and they found him innocent every time. But this time we got him because he's... You really want to win that bad? Do you give a fuck about the future of the country? And they say

we'll lose our democracy if Trump wins the next election. Like a dictator isn't doing... Trump, I mean Biden's a dictator having his political opponents arrested. That's

democracy. Shut the fuck up. May you all again get aforementioned cancer. What a monologue. We ought to get that one out there. I'm serious. That was pretty good. Cocaine. Oh, my ears are plugged. Oh, uh, anyways, folks, uh, later in the show, I'm going to be talking about, once again, we have to talk about trans because, I know, what are you going to do? We're talking about Riley, you know, what's her name? Riley Gaines. She's out there and she put some state senator in her place who's, you know, calling Riley kind of a whiner. So that was it. And she was on with Bill Maher talking about Leah Thomas and the private parts. And what's the judge shoots down?

What story is that? He dismissed the sorority's lawsuit. That's right. There's a tranny in the sorority, a guy who was a genius. If I could have done it, I would have slapped on a kilt and get right up in there and cap a cap of pussy. I'll be talking about that in the second half of the show, but you've got to be a mug club

to join. You've got to go to am I doing this right? To see the rest of this episode, nickdip.com and sign up, man. Sign up. I mean, what you doing, brothers? Let's move on, shall we? Vivek wins again.

He wins again, ladies and gentlemen. You never know what's going to come out of the mouth of anti-woke liberal Bill Maher. I say usually somebody's cocked. Let me tell you about Bill Maher. All right. I know. And everybody hates him with a pet.

Whatever the fuck. I say he represents his side well. He's got great writers. He gets people cuckoo. My late great friend Greg Zook would just go. He's a pompous father. Arrogant fucking. I go up.

They said it about me and I'm not even famous. So I'm kind of an asshole. He goes, I know that. But anyways, he's a, whatever. Part of me likes him a little bit. I mean, he's full of shit and he smoked too much weed. It's my theory on him. He stayed in LA. He, you know, he grew up in Jersey, so he wasn't exactly conservative when he went out to Hollywood. But then you stay there for years, your brain gets sucked in even more,

you hit the hooch every day, and you're stuck in 1968. And now he's finally seeing through the fucking bong smoke. Or he's just trying to stay relevant, maybe, whatever. Anyways, sometimes he speaks with wisdom, sometimes with stupidity. Some of his comments during his recent interview with GOP presidential candidate, my boy, Vivek Ramaswamy. Does he sound like he's going to read your fortune? Unfortunately, fell into the latter category. Here's what Bill Maher had to say when he sat

down with Vivek. And it's a nice little clip that it just shows Vivek is quick on his feet. And again, it reminds me of my primary care physician. All right, let's listen. I hope this isn't too personal, but I mean it in the best possible way. I think the fact that you are who you are, again, if we could just get rid of a little of the Trump stuff, and that you are a person of color is an advantage. I think it is the right moment. And that you are a person of color is an advantage. I think it is the right moment. I think it's happening in the right party.

A party that is very sort of, you know, they know that in the past, in the recent past, including sometimes the present, they are racist. And they have been. I mean, Reagan started his campaign in Philadelphia, Mississippi, which was. Pause. Did he? And Hillary goes in front of black people and puts on a fake voice. And Biden says you're not black if you don't vote for him. So what the fuck are you talking about, Jew? Jew that I kind of like.

See how blinded they are, though? Even though he's coming out of his fog, he still can't fucking. Go ahead. Even though he's coming out of his fog, he still can't fucking. Go ahead. A undeniable signal that he was okay with race. Here's my situation. But they're better than they were.

And the fact that they like you, that they like you, and I think they're going to like you a lot more. I mean, they're just getting to know you. The people didn't know me like six months ago. Right. So here's the thing. I think they're better than they used to be, but there's still a lot more. I mean, they're just getting to know you. The people that know me like six months ago. Right. So here's the thing. I think they're better than they used to be, but there's still a lot of racism. Look, I think that... Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you kidding me? Your party bill and the policies you vote for have been using black people since the Civil fucking War. Literally. If you know your history. How fucking blind can you... Oh, that was a different party then. Shut the fuck up.

Anyways, go ahead, Vivek. Straighten out this punk. That party. I think there's a lot of... I mean, what do you call racism when you say you want... I'll give you a quote. The remedy to past discrimination is present discrimination. The remedy to present discrimination is future discrimination.

That's racism, too. That's Kendi. It's Kendi. You know it. You're all over it. Yes. Tim Kennedy. Not down with that.

Look, if you're like a psychologist and you've got a patient that comes in with anxiety, you don't shot them down by saying, don't be anxious, don't be anxious, don't be anxious. Right. They're going to have a bout of anxiety. I think where we are in this country with respect to racism, I'll use an analogy based on you, you know, lighting that and watching that, you know, taper out. It's like the last burning embers of racism. That's where we are, actually. I'm serious. I'm just a visual person.

All right. I'll vote for you. You got me with that one. It really is. And so what I don't want to do is right as that's burning out, I don't want to come in and throw kerosene on it. By team,

don't be racist. That's what we'd be. Hey, fuck it, man. He was the best guy around. How quick was that? Does a metaphor or whatever

in the moment. There ain't a person on the left could fucking do that. And let's see if Biden could pull that off. I don't know what his ties are. I haven't looked deep into Vivek.

Maybe, you know, oh, I know he's a self-made zillionaire. Super smart. He seems okay. And you could say this about Ed Paul. You're falling for his bullshit? Well, yeah. Just like everybody falls for everybody's bullshit.

Okay? I like his bullshit. At least it's original bullshit. How about if I put it that way? Okay? But how about him going, well, you know what? I think because you're a person of color, that's going to, he would have never said that years ago. That would have come out of a Republican on his show on HBO.

The whole crowd would have laughed and, you know? Yeah, he's coming around, and I've made this point a million times, he helped create this mess. And I mean that. There's a lot of libs out there who are very liberal, but he had power with his HBO show for 20-something years. Still on, isn't it? Real time? Where he would batter, bring on some milquetoast Republican congressman, bitch slap him, sit next to Ben Affleck and Cornel West. Oh, this will be a fair fight. And you jerk offs at home that like, and then when he starts saying shit that makes sense, like I think, and people on the right, now you're applauding him. So you guys are just sycophants who don't know what the

fuck is going on, in my opinion, my humble opinion. But boy, Vivek, I think he's already garnered a seat in some administration. Don't you think? And I don't mean, you know, Secretary of Transportation like that fag. Where's he been, Buttigieg? Have we seen him in months? Is he having another baby? Sitting home? More parental leave. Yeah, more, exactly. Fucking lactating

into some four-year-old boy that he found at the mall. What? Oh, I don't know. He put breast pumps on me. He thought they were nipple clamps. Did you read the story? That's horrible.

Oh, stop it. Anyways, I know I've got to say something here, Dallas. What is it? Mug Club. What? Mug Club. Ladies and gentlemen, what about Mug Club? For those of you

on Mug Club, stick around. That's right. For those of you on Mug Club, I forget that the 20-minute mark is half the halfway mark. Because for years, I was doing an hour, actually. Yes, for those of you on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of the show. And Steven Crowder's show. And I think Brian Callen and this killer lineup. Alex Jones right now is on Fridays, I believe.

And the Hodge twins. I almost said the Hodgkin twins. Two guys going like this. The Hodge twins who are great. They're actually on this show. I'm lining up some guests, too, because I have to... When is it? I got to go to Dallas...

September. In September. So we have to find a couple guests because I won't be here. We'll pre-tape the shit. And then in October, you know, Tom put together this trip of fucking nightmare proportions. I go to Dallas and then I fly to Buffalo. Meet him there. That's actually September.

Oh, no. You're right. That is so... Well, what am I doing in October? I'm on a honeymoon for a week. What am I doing, though? Oh, you're on a honeymoon, that's why? Oh, then fuck off.

You can't do that. Take it off. Come on, take it off. Garden City? No. Well, you got to be faking a little. Take it to Helen again. It's a town, folks, not abroad.

Anyways, tour dates. Yeah, if you're nickdip.com. September 15th, Rob's Playhouse Theater in Buffalo, New York. The next night, the 16th, which is a Saturday, I think, right? Santander Arena with the great Greg Gottfeld. Me, Jimmy Norton, who I'm going to call. I want him on here, who I fucking love.

Joe Macci, if you watch, very funny guy. And you know who, Jamie Lissow. He's a regular on Gutfeld. This guy, now he just went through a divorce and Gutfeld slapped him around with divorce jokes, which

that's why I love Gutfeld. But I'm looking at Jamie Lissow's dates every time he's on there, and he's on there every week. He's in a different part of the country playing a comedy club. I mean, all the ones that I've done in my 30-something years. Every weekend, I get a pit in my stomach. Do you understand if they came to me today and I was 25 and said, you want to be a comedian? And they put that schedule in front of me. I go,

I just put an application at Dunkin' Donuts. I'm waiting. Kid is a work ant and I'm guessing it has to do with the divorce, right? That ain't cheap. Oh Jesus. But I'm guessing because of all the fucking, you know what? The coverage on Gunfell, he probably makes a pretty penny, hopefully. Anyways, what do I give a fuck? He didn't even know me. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, T-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show

and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nicker shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. guitar solo Outro Music