The Nick DiPaolo Show - Walz, A Male Version Of Harris | Nick Di Paolo Show #1610

Episode Date: August 7, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Kamala's VP pick, Google's loss, Cheatle's cover up and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com

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Good morning boys and girls. Welcome to Algebra 101. I'll be your teacher, Mr. Touchy Feely. Who wants an apple? I do. Who's got it? I'll be your teacher, Mr. Touchy Feely. Who wants an apple? I do. Who's got it? All right. How are you? Wednesday. Oh, Wednesday.

I'm going to say it's Wednesday. Did you catch me on Crowder this morning? I thought I was terrific, even though I haven't done it yet. And catch me tomorrow on Crowder. You gotta do that, you gotta sign up for Mug Club, it's killer. You got a guy named McGerald who's in the second seat, he's unbelievably smart, went to Notre Dame, religious but funny as hell. I can't figure him out as a person.

I'm great at reading people, I should have been a cop, I can read their body line. I can't figure this fucking guy And of course Crowder who's Off this off the charts smart and the shits all backed up with facts and when they put a sketch together, you know It's like a forty thousand dollar production and people I mean that's there's a reason his show exploded and and fucking you know what YouTube I think booted him again or Thank God for rumble so anyhow What has happened? I woke up a couple nights a couple days ago Sunday. I'm tying my shoes

I'm bent over and I go to stand up. I get a staring pain that made me see little dots and I could feel it stiffening which is normal when you're my age you tie in your shoes especially if you've been doing high-impact fucking exercises for 25 it's not really good for your spine eventually I've been waiting for this day anyways it kind of mellowed out over the weekend and this morning the only time it feels good is when I'm laying down or standing Um, so I'm really excited about uh being on a plane the next couple days for two and a half hours

I today I get up. I I I was this close to texting my wife. Hey somebody has to wipe my ass Of course, she she would have gave me the finger emoji and I would have done the same thing to her Uh, but holy fuck man She would have gave me the finger emoji and I would have done the same thing to her But holy fuck man Right now like when I'm sitting it slightly hurts But when I stand up I'll see star and you guys who have that I've never had back problems Yeah, when I was an athlete I might have pulled something it was temporary I knew it was muscle and I knew I was bent over a little bit. It's like this is horrible That's why I remember Larry Bird would be laying down

I was bent over a little bit. It's like, this is horrible. That's why I remember Larry Byrd would be laying down, waiting to go into the game. He'd be laying on his stomach in front of the bench. That's how bad his back was. Then he'd go in and put up 40 against the Lakers, you know? Fucking mentally tough. Anyways, that's enough of that old man shit.

I'll be dead soon enough. What's the big headline today? More liberal scum? What the hell does that mean? Vice President Harris has chosen Minnesota Governor Tim Walz to be her running mate as she heads toward a November face off against former President Trump according to two sources familiar with these jackoffs.

Walz of 60 emerged as a dark whore. No, that's her, dark horse. I thought he was younger than that. I don't know why. Contender for the number two slot as chatter over the high profile names in particular Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro, Democrat and Jew so they couldn't pick him. It would piss off their Hamas friends. That's easy to read. These people are filthy to the core. They're anti-Semitic, everything they tell you, you are. They're fucking hateful, they're liars, they try to kill President Trump.

I don't give a fuck. No more talking to him. That should be Trump's thing. Fox News should... Eh, whatever. He should know it all and go, I'm not talking to anybody any pride just I don't know Shoot somebody back. No, you can't you're not know with a gun again rub a bullet

Spitball, no, that's not enough. Something's really gonna stink They put a girl's out with a beanbag a Girl's eye out when the Fenway when Red So socks won the last World Series, caught that girl that fucking blinded her. Good for him. Governor Shapiro and Arizona Senator Mark Kelly, those are the last ones that dominated the early portion of the VP stakes.

But the Minnesota governor saw his profile rise after he blew somebody behind a dumpster considerably over the past week, especially after a viral cable news interview in which he derided some Republicans as weird. A line of attack later adopted by national Democrats, right? Democrats, not just the Democrats, the media. You can catch this on any, on Fox or whatever. They'll show 12, 12 different shows in one day using the word weird. Because you know they're all singing off the same music sheet. It's so embarrassing. Imagine that.

Yeah, they're weird. And that makes him, that's why she chose him. Why'd you fat fuck him up? Exactly. Anyways, it's, I think it might be good news for Trump. Walz was also seen by many as a safer choice for Harris, thanks to his liberal bona fides and the fact that some of the other contenders

had come under fire from certain segments of the left. But he is not without vulnerabilities. Republicans are likely to use some of his policy positions on abortion and LGBT issues to paint him as a radical liberal, just as they have with Harris. Waltz was governor of Minnesota. You guys remember this? The minute I heard that she picked him, I got this visual in my head.

When the riots were going on and Minneapolis was burning the fuck down, he was up in his thing hiding and then he had the balls to come out like on day three Thinking he was gonna be accepted as a hero by Antifa and all those street thugs and they chased him up the street practically Which was sweet good luck defending that I'm sure he was in on defunding the police after that was all over too. Maybe not but whatever he's liberal If not more liberal than her walls was governor of Minnesota right there in the riots that followed the murder of George fucking Floyd and Republicans are certain to highlight images of that tumultuous time gee you think you're a loser you always be a loser that's her

talking to him on day one how about the fact that her nobody even talks about her staff leaving her in droves remember out of 4740 walked or something she's a twat I'd use stronger words but you know it's YouTube and and and the Google Alphabet Company who's in fucking actually somebody found them liable we'll get to that in a few minutes it's amazing that the Republicans are the right even are in any races with all with the fucking internet being rigged all the mainstream media rigged again think about that just think about that and they still win here and there so who's really what I don't understand is how come since since Nixon how come the

media hasn't become more how come the people on the right haven't taken control of the media seems like they haven't even made an effort other than Fox News right and that's not even fucked at right wing you got news America or what America know whatever the fuck and I don't know how many people watch them a lot of people jumped from Fox to that and I understand why But How come we don't have any more outlets we have a couple of radio shows Mark Levin It's been like that forever Rush Limbaugh and one channel. It's been like that forever. What are you guys doing? Are you in on it? Ever think of that?

Sound like Fredo. I'm your older brother Mike, ever think of that? Not the way Pop wanted it. Not the way I wanted it! Ah, Fredo just pulled his muscle. Shoot me Mike, shoot me. I'm not walking you down the stairs. Oh no, fuck that, I'll fall down. Roll to my car.

By the way, me and Dallas get here and usually the parking lot's kind of full, you know, 30, 40 cars or whatever, but because of the tumultuous rain, which I didn't even hit a puddle on the way here, fucking me and him are the only one in the building. Whoops. That's how excited I am. I threw my pen. We're the only ones in the building. I'm thinking of a break-in into the place next door.

I don't know, I heard this coke over there. Or the black barbershop, kids I'm kidding that would be fun to go in there I bummed the cigarette once that was a weirdest scene right out of a movie we weren't in the building a week I was still smoking I didn't have a fucking lighter so I walked in there and it was it was right out of a movie white guy walking a black barbershop Black barber about 400 pounds cutting a black guy's head. There's three other black guys like in chairs and they weren't there for haircuts. I Walk in hey fellas, they don't even go. What's up?

Record scratch yes, exactly exactly. It was a record scratch mom But I bummed the light and I said I'm not bringing this back and I took off No, I didn't I let it right in the chair there you go fella Anyways, I will always want to go in there and interview that will be I feel like we have gold sitting there Either that or you and I dead by the end of the weekend Anyways, let's move on to another story, shall we? I think we shall not. Google this is the headline. Google this, you MFer.

Hear ye, hear ye. The court's in session. The court's in session now. Here come the judge. Here come the judge. Alphabet's Google broke the law. That's their company. With an illegal monopoly, online search, a federal

judge ruled on Monday, the first big win for US antitrust authorities, who have filed several lawsuits challenging big tech's market dominance, as we say in Boston, market dominance. Fucking market dominance. Come on, Tommy, look it. We got a video of what the, I don't even know. Oh.

G. G. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. G. G.

LA. LA. E. E. Gulu-Gulu. Gulu-Gulu. G L.A. E Gula Gula That's a high school class in Detroit. Honestly, God. Dearborn, specifically.

Although I don't know if you have to go to Dearborn now. It's really spreading out there. How cute was that? Gula Gula She said. Good for her. She speaks English, though. Apparently, her own.

By the way, that's Ilan Omar's sister, Stephanie Omar. What? You heard me. The ruling paves the way for a second trial to determine potential fixes, possibly including a breakup of alphabet. That would change the landscape of the online advertising world that Google has dominated for 4,000 years it's also a green light to aggressive

US anti-trust enforcers prosecuting big tech which faces criticism from across the political spectrum so get the lawyer Outler Let me tell you something when Democrats and Republicans agree on something that might it's got to be pretty bad They have 90 something percent share of the market share. They're like AT&T or whatever the fuck back in the day They had a break up AT&T into a bunch of bits they're gonna try that with this good luck maybe want to get the woman spelling Google to help you up. Mono-o-polility.

Monolopoli. Do not pass go. Do not. You take too much. What? Hard to say I ever laughed I was watching NBC News back in the 70s with Tom Brokaw. And they interviewed an Asian lady. Her store was up.

She goes, black people steal too much. They steal too much. Right on NBC Nightly News. I was so offended. The court reaches the following conclusion. Google is a monopolist. Sounds like a dirty word. It's a monopolist. He'll get raped in jail.

And it has acted as one to maintain its monopoly. District Judge Amit Mehta wrote that boy, Indian versus Indian, I think, unless he's just a Jew with a good tan. I think it's Indian versus Indian. I love it. He was being objective. Can some other people try that? The search engine giant controls about 90% of the online search market and 95% of on smartphones the remedy phase could be lengthy

Followed by a potential appeals to the DC circuit in US Supreme. Why would you come up with the remedies before it's totally appealed? I don't understand, I don't. The legal wrangling could play out into next year or even 2026. Yeah, so we'll all forget about it. And meanwhile, they have another couple years to cheat. They'll straighten it out after we get our guy in the White House. Folks, it's that easy to pick up on. Shares of Google, parent, Alphabet company,

fell 4.3% on Monday. And bad news for you, and it's bad news if you don't make that deal. As part of a broad tech share decline, Google advertising was 77% of Alphabet's total sales in 2023. Alphabet said it plans to appeal Judge Metta's ruling. This decision recognizes that the Google offers the best search engine but concludes that we shouldn't be allowed to make it easily

available Google said in the statement. Yeah but when you do that and the way you did it it's you monopolize it. I guess. I find it very funny that a guy named Mada is busting the big text balls as you know Zuckerberg's made it. Even though he's not, but you know, he's part of it too. US Attorney General, I'm a lion cock sucking American garland, called the ruling a historic win for the American people, adding that no company, no matter how large or influential, is above the law. Hey, just because you like it, I disagree with it. Made a note of that Google had paid 23, excuse me, 26.3 billion in 2021 alone to ensure that its search engine

is the default on smartphones and browsers and to keep its dominant market share. Tommy, their market share Tommy their market share it's a lot of billions that's good nose but again I would like it to be solved by tomorrow night at nine o'clock you know I mean not after the fucking election it doesn't mean anything I just can't I'm still in shock at how little press the assassination attempt is getting now. It's just fucking amazing to me how they hop. They are really, well they're not clever. It's easy to do when you dominate the fucking media landscape. You send that memo out in the morning.

I think the New York Times sends it to the White House or whoever I do or Soros whoever the fuck I'm so tired of talking about it I wish there was a brawl between the Brewers and the Indians that's right Indians not guardian guardians what a gay name for anything what do you do we got shit oh I can see why that's sports related yeah we got the bases we gotta anyways Cheetal remember Cheetal not Don Cheetal not the mediocre black actor who they won't let not work talk about aI. That guy's as bland as dog shit. Cheetal and another cover-up, this would be Miss Cheetal, former Secret Service Director Kim Cheetal, right? Remember Kim? There she is looking like again a depressed Ozzy Osbourne when he was healthy. Am I right? You snotty little bastard.

What? Who said that? little bastard. What? Who said that? And others in top agency leadership positions wanted to destroy the cocaine discovered in the White House last summer. But the Secret Service Forensic Services Division and the Uniform Division stood firm and rejected the push to dispose of the evidence according to three sources in the Secret Service community. These are like those whistleblower guys, I guess. She wanted to dump it down the fucking turlet, like Karen Hill. Am I right? Multiple heated confrontations and disagreements.

Excuse me. I threw up in my mouth looking at her over how best to handle the cocaine ensued after a Secret Service uniformed division officer found the bag on July 2nd of 2023, a quiet Sunday while President Biden and his family were at Camp David doing nothing as usual. Nothing, as usual. Camp David in Maryland? Is that where Camp David is? No, it isn't. Maybe there's a couple Camp Davids. Maybe they're twins.

I don't know. That's stupid. At least one uniformed division officer was initially assigned to investigate the cocaine incident. But after he told his supervisors, including Cheadle and acting Secret Service Director Ron Rowe, already a company man and a liar, who was deputy director at the time, that he wanted to follow a certain crime scene investigative protocol,

he was taken off the case. So some guy wanted to use a certain to get to the bottom of it, and Ron Rowe, now the upper brass, said, you're not going to fucking do that. All right, get out. Yeah, but I want to do my job. Get out of here. That's how they get hired, by the way. I swear to God. I swear, this is what they do at a job interview if you want to work for the Secret Service

at the top level. They give you like a polygraph and see if you can lie and not get detected like they serve my hand sandwich and they sit down they go did you just have a ham sandwich and he goes absolutely not and the thing doesn't move you're in hired hired anyways that was according to a source in the Secret Service community familiar with the circumstances of his removal so So we have to believe it. While neither Joe nor Hunter Biden were at the executive mansion when the cocaine was found, it was discovered after a period when Hunter had been staying there. Oh, that dirty cogsucker. Oh, God. Let's take a look at this.

Hunter. Let's take a look at this. HUNTER! That looked like me and my friends at the Palace Nightclub in Saugus, Massachusetts in the men's room in the 80s. And yes, everybody was doing it the fucking yeah you take a piss in there instead of the attendant handed you a you know search and hand you a fucking eight ball ago good luck out there with that redhead thank you so much I thought I've told the story many times but I went into I was doing a place in New Haven Connecticut a little comedy club that was run by, and

I go in the fucking, I go in the men's room to pee before the show. The owner's mother, who's in her seventies, is in there snorting coke with a state trooper in his uniform. Dude. Oh. Dude, oh, I was thinking about it while I was on stage, trying not to laugh. You got to love it. It's the same place the guy docked me. He goes, you're late.

I go, I'm going on last. I still got a half hour. Yeah, but we wanted here at eight. He fucking docked me $50. I couldn't argue. Oh, my face bashed in by his mother. Unbelievable. Cheadle became close to the Biden family

while hanging out with Douchebag, while serving on Vice President Joe Biden's protective detail. So close that Biden tapped Cheadle for the director job in 2022, in part because of her close relationship to First Lady and fake doctor Jill Biden. Everything they touch is just garbage. Everything they touch is done by, because of your race or your color, your gender, they're

the racists, they're the sexists, it's un-fucking real There Jill Biden's was asked how much is Trump gonna beat Kamala by When the cocaine was first discovered a cheetal apparently snorted some no no it spark a media firestorm And that's why she wanted to get rid of the shat Hey guys, I forgot to tell you this two minutes ago. For those of you guys on Mug Club, stick around for the rest of my show. Everyone else go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show and Steven Crowder's show and a whole lot more. And while you're there, click on the tour button.

Jesus it's here. This Friday night I'll be at the Jacksonville Center for the Performing Arts, Jacksonville Flora. The next night, August 10th the Performing Arts, Jacksonville, Florida. The next night, August 10th, Gas South Theater in Duluth, Georgia. Hope to see you guys out there. So I'll be going to, I'll be in Dallas, then I'll be in Jacksonville, and then I'll be in Duluth.

What am I, fucking James Brown, 1970s? Enough of the shit already. Somebody get me a lottery ticket I'm tired anyways second half of the show if you stick around somebody made is a cameo appearance at the Olympics big big big thing it's a big thing people very surprised during the surfing competition also a pedo teacher was busted. I usually ignore these stories because there's so many of them but it was just so disgusting. I thought I'd have to throw this one in. It's just... I don't get it. So stick around for those stories if I'm still conscious

as the flame of pain goes up my ass. Hi, good night everybody. Oh, yeah Thanks for watching!