The Nick DiPaolo Show - West Wing Nose Candy | Nick Di Paolo Show #1422

Episode Date: July 5, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about a White House coke problem, the NEA and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://NickDiPaoloShow.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Mr. DePaulo, no one could be as nasty as you pretend to be unless they really wanted to be disliked. Yeah, glad you picked up on it. Excuse me. How are you, folks? Welcome to the show. It's the day after the 4th of July. That makes it July 7th. And hope you had a great holiday out there and terrific.

It was like a fucking Tuesday to me. Had a couple of burgers without the buns on top of the stove it's over i'm old i'll be dead soon good night everybody and here's dallas with the weather still hot still hot that's right still goddamn hot and uh yeah very uneventful uh we Dallas, before we broke for the weekend, he was planning on going down to the fireworks downtown. There's a band that's gonna be playing at his wedding down there. And he said, yeah, I'll reach out to you when we leave, whatever the fuck. I wake up from a beautiful nap to find,

I get your message literally like an hour and 20 minutes later. He's like, you guys still coming up? I guess not. I said, me and my wife are old. So what we did was, and we did this last year. We walked down the street about a tenth of a mile and there's a mall that cuts across, you know, tree-lined for about 400 yards with nice palm trees on it and there's always a some guy that lives down there that shoots off his

personal stash of fire and they're like real, they're not little fucking... So we we sit on a bench like two people in their late hundreds, letting their shit explode about a foot from our face. We couldn't, we couldn't, goddammit, Andy shot some of it. I was running at it like I was a nom, you know, the things are blowing by. This is why I'm not a self-marketer. I would have fucking used that. Yeah, so we did that for about 20 minutes and walked home. And boy, were we tired.

Probably because it doesn't help that I've had probably 11 carbs in a fucking month. That sort of gives you energy. I've been taking a good one in about three weeks. I look good, though. I'll be dead soon. From ass cancer, but that knocks the pounds off you. Anyhow, yeah, so it was a decent weekend.

Hope you guys didn't lose any fingers or tits or whatever. That's the fun part after the Fourth of July is going on the internet and watching some hillbilly put a stick of dynamite in a bottle of Sprite.

Have it blow up in his kid's face. I'll tell you who, what football player do you guys are reminded of every Fourth of July? Jean-Pierre Paul. Is that his name? JPP for the Giants. The guy that blew his hand off.

Do you remember that a few years ago? Blew his fingers off. He'd play for somebody else now. But he goes on to have a great career, missing fingers. He's got like a club on his... But he blew them off on the 4th of July, I think. God, I love stories like that.

I love that story. All right, let's get to the goddamn whatever. Hey, there was a living legend working in Savannah, Georgia. Clint Eastwood, one of my favorites in America. Maybe one of the biggest box office stars ever. First of all, he looks 20 years younger in that picture than he did yesterday. And I'm not shitting.

I'm so stupid. This is how I, that's probably the last picture I saw of him. So I'm thinking he's going to kind of look like that. He is bent over, pants up to here, just like he is in the last, I guess, movie that I didn't see. You know, you know how guys walk with their elbows back like this? His white hair was sticking up. He looked just like Bernie Sanders from the back. He's shrunk.

He's a little guy, this big, tall fucking cowboy. But the point is, he's out there. He's 93. I got to get on a plane to fucking Arlington, Virginia, nine days, and I'm pissing and moaning about it. This guy's 93. It was 95, 96 degrees plus with the heat index. I mean, yeah, they did put him in like a walk-in cooler

every three minutes. But, and he's three houses down from mine across the street. So we go down, we know the people three houses down. They're shooting right on their corner. And we hang out in their yard trying to get a glimpse. And anyways, yeah, we spotted, first of all, the movie started downtown on uh thursday i didn't

even know he was there but i fucking love he was the best guy around he's still around the legendary actor and director's new project is juror number two starring uh nicholas holt of the menu whatever the hell that is also filmed uh on the Georgia coast, as well as Tony Collette, who's a big star actually, and Zoe Douche. I like to say douche just because I don't like her name. According to the film's synopsis on IMDb, juror number two takes place during a murder trial when one of the jurors, everything down here is a murder trial movie. One of the jurors seeks to protect the defendant without putting himself in jeopardy as he progressively realizes he killed the victim in a careless driving accident. I don't get the synopsis. Who killed the, was it a juror himself

did? You never base a movie plot on a coincidence. That's like rule number one. But anyways, a coincidence. That's rule number one. But anyways. Eastwood, probably a true story. Eastwood helped put Savannah on the movie map with, remember, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, another murder story, true story, back in

1997. My wife read that book and my life was never the same. Again, she has roots in Georgia somewhere way, way, way back. But she absolutely loves the fucking culture and blah, blah, blah. Anyways, I forgot that he directed that. It was announced back in May that the project would film in Savannah. So he's three houses down from mine.

And like I said, fucking, what is that, a lei? It was a lei around his neck. Oh, yeah. I always think of Hawaii around his neck. Oh, yeah. I always think of Hawaii in the floor. What the fuck? But look at it, y'all. God bless him. Oh, boy, is this great. It was.

People on the internet are so goddamn... I wandered on there for a second, and I posted a picture of that picture of Clint. And, you know, the first 50 messages are positive. And some jerk goes, Nick's getting a little too excited because Clint Eastwood's in it. Yeah, no, you're right.

I shouldn't. He's a living legend that you couldn't appreciate in a million years. Three houses down from him. A movie legend shooting on... Yeah. I didn't go running up to him and fucking push him over, get a selfie of him on the ground. Anyways, let's move on to the biggest story of the weekend.

Hey, they found some jail, you know what I'm saying, in the White House. President Joe Biden and his son Hunter, members of the first family, arrived back at the White House mired in controversy on Tuesday after cocaine was found by Secret Service agents sparked an evacuation in hazmat situations. They didn't know what it was at that point. They thought it was a white powder. And the guy who wrote this should have put it in that order. He's a dinkweed. A dispatch call reviewed by DailyMail.com reveals a preliminary test found that the white powder discovered on Sunday tested positive for cocaine. Jesus Christ, let's get Angela Lansbury on this one.

Huh? Matlock's not going to be able to figure this one out. And led to emergency services shutting down 1600 Pennsylvania. The Secret Service has now launched an investigation to track down how the substance got there. Let me save you a fucking boatload of time. What that should say is what they're doing right now is trying to come up with a good excuse so they won't have to

blame Hunter. The whole world knows. They are. Right now they're conjuring up some shit. Substance got there and who was responsible for the breach? Oh yeah, what a mystery. I'm going to find out what the hell happened here. I'll do it for you. The discovery came two days

after a recovering drug addict. Well, there's a hint. Hunter, 52, was last seen at the White House as he headed to Camp David with a kilo taped to his balls with his father for the long holiday weekend. What are they talking about? Wouldn't you love to live that conversation?

You're fucking me up, son. You're fucking me up. I don't give a fuck. You didn't treat me well. You always suck Bo's ass. Trolls are speculating that the president's addict son is the source of the illegal substance. Well, whose fault is that?

Exactly. Wow. Call them all detectives. However, the White House library is part of the public tour. Yeah, see, right away. Who's I? Is this the op? Yeah, I know, because people, when they go on the tour, they always bring their shit with them. And in this article, I didn't even put it.

They list all the people that admitted to doing drugs, like famous people at the White, like Willie Nelson and Jay's, whatever the fuck. Yeah, what's that got to do with it? Oh, fuck. And the media hasn't said shit from the left about it. Can you fucking imagine if that was Trump? The public tour experienced by Hundreds Daily. So they're saying people that come through daily on a tour

might have... Meaning there could be multiple suspects. Hey, guy who wrote this article, did you give that to them? They could maybe use that excuse. It is also two floors below the first family's living quarters. So, while the dispatch recording clearly says library, a source familiar with the incident told Daily.com that the substance was not found inside the executive mansion,

but was discovered in a work area in the West Wing. Yeah, like anybody's ever done work in the West Wing in this administration, in the White House. The D.C. Fire Department was called to evaluate and quickly determine the item to be non-hazardous, it continues. The item was sent for further evaluation and an investigation into the cause and manner of how it entered the White House is pending. Hunt is seen here. They got him on video, I think.

This is a two-secret service. Where's my father? What a fucking joke, eh? I tell you. Arrived back in Washington, D.C. on Tuesday for another annual independence celebration on the South Lawn. In tow was wife Melissa Cohen and their unhappy son, Bo, three, who was crying as his father carried him into the car at Fort McNair to head back to the White House. U.S. Secret Service is conducting further testing

to confirm if the substance is the illegal drug. Sure they are. You already told us what it was. He also said that Biden was not in the executive mansion, Joe Biden, when the substance was discovered. Authorities are investigating how the cocaine got into the White House. Will you stop with that by the way in the second half of the show guys i'm gonna be talking about um rfk jr bitch slapping and i mean bitch slapping the biden administration in court it was a big win for him and everybody else we'll get into those details And I'm telling you You're gonna love it You'll be hot Fucking hot It's exclusively on Mug Club

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Head over to nickdip.com To get exclusive hats T-shirts Hoodies And more It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nicker shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's

nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. I tell you no kiss. Why you stupid fuck. Why look at you now. Let's move on. Shall we? NEA, that stands for National Education Association. Yep.

That would be the biggest school union in the country. I think it was run by Randy, that scary-looking man-slash-woman wine-garden. She got moved up to a bigger slot now. Right? Anyways, NEA recommends another faggot book for kids.

Do you have to talk like that? I suppose I shouldn't. The National Education... Oh, it's Association. Is that what I said? I'm confusing it with a girls' basketball league. On Monday, recommended that teachers include the controversial book Gender Queer. Or as Boston say it, Gender Queer. Or as Boston said, gender queer on their summer reading list, you know. Please give me a cup. Oh, I will, Billy. The book was featured in the NEA's Great Summer

Reads for educators. Boy, is it full court press with the fucking Marxism. Oh my God. Anyways, the list that showcased 11 books, among those books are White Fragility, Full Court Press, Righties on... Let me tell you something, folks. If you're a Republican, righty, nobody's representing you.

We're watching a cultural revolution. They're sitting on their fucking ass because most of them are part of it. That's how they make money. That's why they're in D.C., with all the lobbying and all the money in politics. It can nothing do with your way of living. Anyways, White Fragility, a book that insists,

this was the craziest piece of shit book ever. Even people on the left link, this isn't even, that insists that white Americans use anger, shame, and guilt to avoid taking responsibility for racial inequality. No, actually, they use facts and logic, and most of us had nothing to do with it, and you guys have been brace baiting forever. On the left, that's how you've got to where you are, and people on the right are too scared

to stand up and go, go fuck yourself. It was a long time ago. Let it go not to mention black people sold other black people still going on in the fucking world today all kinds of shit it's been debunked again but they've been coming at us for 50 years with it and there's the right going oh don't say anything back other sections included books to help you forget about work and books to celebrate or help you understand Juneteenth. My wife gave me that one for my last birthday. Spent a week in the hospital trying to get it dislodged from her ass. What? Oh, stop it, you. What are you, a Mexican?

Look at Pride. Now it's even better. It's Twas the Night Before Pride. Oh, stop it, you wimpy... What are you, Mexican? Look at pride. Now it's even better. It's Twas the Night Before Pride. Oh, Jesus, Dallas. Good catch. Twas the night before pride, and all through our house, you could hear people boning... before they deloused.

When Santa jumped from the chimney with a big fat load, landed on my mother's nose. Good night. Under the banned book section, genderqueer is recommended as a rating. Is it really? By who? Genderqueer has quoted major controversy among American parents for being in public school libraries throughout the United States and has been challenged for its depictions and descriptions of oral sex, yum, yum, yum, as well as discussions of masturbation. Who talks about it? Do it.

As Nike said, just do it. And I honestly think the book, this is what the fucking douchebag woman, black lady that wrote it. Wait a minute. What book am I talking about? Oh, this one that Bill wrote. Yeah. Fucking look at her. She wants all of us to have that.

Are you sure that's her? That's not a random dyke? All right. I always go to the woods to read. And I honestly think the book, she says, is a lot less explicit than it could be. The author Maya Kobabi told NPR. Who gives a fuck what you think? I thought it was a black woman just because of the name, I guess. Anyways, the list of books comes after the president of the NEA declared that for us at the NEA,

listen to this, really hiding their agenda, education justice must be about, first of all, what's education justice, you dumb whore? Why don't you just come out and say, the Marxist agenda is what this is about, and we're pushing it down your throat, and you don't have the balls to stop us. NEA education justice must be, she says, about racial justice. It must be about social justice. It must be about climate justice. Pure and pure horseshit piled on top of fucking horseshit by a biological aberration who wants the rest of

us to be unhappy like her. You're not fooling anybody with that purple hair. It must be about all of those things. President, oh, I'm sorry, Becky Pringle said this. That's who I was thinking of. Get out of my room, you sick cunt. That's all I got to say about that. Becky Pringle, a black woman with a chip on her shoulder. Get the fuck out of here. You would have never thought of that. That was a good one. Imagine Ed McMahon.

I mean, imagine if Ed McMahon and Johnny makes a joke and everybody go, ho, ho, ho. I mean, imagine if Ed McMahon and Johnny makes a joke and everybody go, ho, ho, ho. And Doc, the band would give a rim shot and Johnny's like, oh, fuck yourself. That would be so funny. Bleep it. Anyways, I knew there was a black woman behind that in there somewhere. I forgot it was Betty Pringle. Becky Pringle.

Becky. It's all the same. She got a white lady's name. Be changing that shit up in the house, yo. Cocaine. All right, ladies and gentlemen. For those of you on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of my show. Everyone else, you should go to nickdapaloshow.com and join to get my full show and Steven Crowder's show, which is amazing, and a whole bunch more that comes with that. And while you're there, you can click on my

tour button to see where we're lining up stuff for the fall right now. It's not on the books yet, but my next gig is in nine days. Arlington Cinema Drafthouse, Arlington, Virginia, July 14th and 15th. Be there or be queer. Are you with me? guitar solo Outro Music