The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #1 On Location!

Episode Date: March 23, 2021

This is it! Nikki is on location on a tropical island and introducing you to her brand new show. Enjoy the first episode and get to know the cast, some perspectives on headlines and top 2 bottom 2 gifts they've received. Lastly, enjoy a sincere note from Nikki in her final thought!Email us @ [e-mail] and be part of the show! Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors,

it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You are cordially invited to... The hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party,

your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production

in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Woman sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right.

Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships,

and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop.

Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my dog. He was like,

I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army

in comparison to him. From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Welcome to the Nikki Glaser Podcast. It's me, Nikki Glaser. That was the voice of my producer, Noah. Here's Nikki. how they say it here. I am on location. I've never been able to say that before in my life, so I'm saying it as much as possible. I'm shooting a show here that will come out at some point, and I'll be able to tell you about it. But until then, I have to keep it under wraps.

But the biggest news in my life is today I am starting my podcast, my show. I'm calling it a show. That's why I named it the Nikki Glaser Podcast. So I don't have to say I have a podcast. I can say I have a show that just so happens to be named the Nikki Glaser podcast. Not that there's anything wrong with the word podcast because there isn't. It's my favorite medium right after, what is his name? Jonathan edwards who's some other people that can talk to ghosts i was making a medium joke um miss cleo is she a medium yeah i think so she's probably a large she was a larger lady listen i'm all over the place with this joke and um what i'm trying to say is is that i have a new podcast out it's called the nicki laser podcast you're listening to it right now thank you so much for listening to it the top of the show I'm always going to kind of just ramble for a minute or two with my producer Noah before we bring in my co-host slash side sidekick sidekick co-host

side coast co-side host kick well side host we'll get it. Side host. Wait. Whatever. Host kick is how we end it because it reminds me of what I would want to do to him sometimes. Side co-host kick. Side co-host kick. Side co-host kick? I think that's what we decided to call him. Because it's like, I don't want to say co-host because that's giving him too much. And I don't want to say side kick because it makes it it belittles it makes him feel belittled which actually i would like no i'm just kidding we actually had a great my new sidehood side co-host kick and i had a great talk last night before

beginning it wasn't even before the podcast began we just i really recommend recommend this for your living partner because we're roommates, best friends, and now we're starting a podcast together. And he is working for me for the show that I'm currently on location for, on location, on location, Cayman Islands, big deal. And we've been bumping heads. We're button heads.

That's what I like to say because one time my friend was telling me about a band he was managing and i go how are they how they doing he goes ah they're all right they're uh they're you know they're button heads and i was like they're button heads i thought it was a term of endearment like those button heads and so i was like it sounds like a wanda sykes insult yo button head that's my Wanda Sykes. But yeah, so we were buttonheads yesterday a little bit. And then I came home, had a little toke-toke to relax at the end of my long-ass day of filming on location. Did I mention I'm on location, Noah?

I didn't know. Could you mention it again? It's so freaking fun i can't get over how fucking great my life is right now i almost feel bad because it's i'm just so happy anyway i got home last night and andrew and i just had a heart to heart and he got to tell me all the things that i've been doing lately that have bothered him and I listened and then he goes I feel like you always it's always whenever I have these it's always me kind of dropping a bunch of stuff on you and you kind of and I like apologized and like took it apart and was like oh I do that to you because you make

me jealous that you get to behave that way and I don't get to because I'm too embarrassed to behave that way so when I see you behave that way I want to make fun of it and make you feel bad when it doesn't go like like he was like you like sometimes you make fun of me or whatever and I'm like yeah sometimes I bully you and it comes from an ugly place of like you're free with yourself and you get to act like totally free unencumbered and it's and I don't get I don't feel like I get to do that. I don't want to act as free as I want to. And so when you do it, and it doesn't work out, I need to make fun of it. So it validates the fact that I'm smart to not do that. And I should keep not doing that. Does that make sense? No? Um, yeah, it does. I get I get where you're

coming from. But I don't know, it, I guess get where you're coming from. But I don't know. I guess it kind of bothers me also about Andrew that he could just be so free. And we have to be mature. But that's not his problem. That's our problem. Because everyone should be that free. And that's one of the reasons I love being around him so much is because he is so doesn't care what people think but at the same time he he does but not as much as I do anyway it was a really good heart to

heart and he goes I feel like you never like you never have these moments where you just tell me everything that I'm doing wrong that's bothering you and I go because I'm honest with you when those things come up in the in the as they're coming up I'm more quick to voice my annoyances and I don't harbor them. And I feel like sometimes he probably does because, you know, I don't know. I mean, there's a million reasons why, but I don't keep,

and that was really good for me to realize is that, oh yeah, I'm just kind of like honest with how I feel about things in the moment. There's not a lot of times where I'm like, I'm going to have to confront this person because it's really been building. It used to be that way, but now I'm better of just getting out when I get it out. What about in the delivery?

In the moment? What do you mean? Oh, you know, and I go, yes. And because I deliver things in the short term, rather the longterm,

they can come out a lot more harsh. And that's, that's my problem is that, yes, I get them to you quicker when they're happening and I deal with my feelings. But I don't have time to process them so they come out more eloquently and probably kinder. So I have a lot of things to work on in our friendship. But we'll do it on the show. A couple things before we actually begin that I want to say is welcome to the show. Thank you so much for listening. I'm really excited to have a new batch of listeners and also bring in people who have been listening to my other shows that I've done in the past. I've done many

podcasts. I've done the SiriusXM show, You Up. And I'm so excited to be doing a daily show again and just have a chance to put myself out there on a daily basis and talk about things that are going on and make mistakes and make up for those mistakes and say dumb stuff that I regret and say stuff that I didn't even know that I was going to say that day. This is exactly what i want to do with my life i don't need to be doing this show i want to do this show and it's just such this is gonna be such a fun show sometimes i mean maybe it won't be sometimes maybe it'll get heated i don't know what i do know is that we've worked really hard to make it as good as possible out of the gate

that we can but it's gonna change with us and as we get more listener feedback. So please, if you're new to the show, subscribe, rate, review, and we'd really appreciate it. Bottom line is the Nikki Glaser podcast has started. This is not something that is going to go away anytime soon. You can commit now and pop in whenever the hell you feel like it. This isn't something you have to check in on every day, although we'd love for you to join us Monday through Thursday and interact with the show in any way you can. We want to build a fan base here, or we want to just have you come in and casually listen whenever you happen to have the time. No pressure. We're just trying to have

fun and be honest and be real and laugh a lot. How about it, Noah? Sounds good to me. You know what I'm mostly excited about is naming our listenership. Because that's always a really fun part of starting a podcast or any show. It's just the creative. Who knows what it's going to be? We could coin it today. Yeah, we could. Can I throw anyone into the hat?

Yeah, please, please throw it into the hat glazer heads okay i've considered it and i think it would be glaze heads even though that sounds like the end of a lot of the porn i watch which i wouldn't even i don't even see the end of porn i watch to be specific i never wait for the guy to i never wait for for the end. I don't like that part. I think that's a very popular part of porn is the end. The money shot, so to speak. Literally, I've never seen one. And if I do see one, it's

by accident because I left it running because I opened another tab and I happened to go back to that tab and be like, oh, what happened there? So that's how I get revenge for all the times I didn't finish is I never let anyone in porn finish um glazer heads might be a thing no it's it has to be weirder than that you know what i want it to be i want it to be like when me and my best friends in high school were coming up

with a code word for sex acts that we weren't doing because we weren't cool at all but we wanted to be able to talk about them in front of our parents with you know that you come up with code words what was it did you have any like that yes like what it was called baking cookies oh my god and what did that mean that you were like hooking up um it could mean anything from like masturbating to having sex to like two baking cookies yeah it's just called let's yeah baking cookies and then when you were baking cookies were you like i'm gonna go give some hand jobs uh because i gotta bring them into class tomorrow for it's it's uh bake sale day um that's funny it's always something that you literally would have to show for if you said it in front of your parents like because we would say mom we're going to knit some sweaters and then we'd go smoke pot and then we'd come back and

there's no sweaters there's no my i never had to knit some sweaters. And then we'd go smoke pot. And then we'd come back, and there's no sweaters. I never had any interest in sweaters. It was so obvious. But one time, we were coming up with a code word in my bedroom. Because my friends were just starting to get sluttier than me. And so we were like, we got to get some. We can't say blowjob in front of mom and dad. Even though it turns out my mom probably doesn't know what that is anyway.

That joke was for my dad, who I hope is not listening. No, but we go, we can't say blowjob. Let's say, and I go, guys, we had already coined handjobs as we called it vigorous. Because it's such like a, oh, like you guys know what I'm doing right now when I go, oh, oh. It's like you're like, oh, you look like vigorous. Like, oh, you look like vigorous, like, oh, it's so vigorous. So we called it vigorous. And then I was like, what about blowjobs? And my friends were like, I don't know. And I go, it can't be something stupid. Like, and then I looked at a part of my shelf and I was like, like green vase. And my friends were like, yes, because there was like a

green vase. We were like, yes, it has to be green vase so to this day we're always like did you green vase and of course i'm like no i haven't done that since january 2020 um i could see andrew like hovering in the shot do you know i could see you this is uncomfortable this is supposed to be my part of the show that's private for me where i can talk about you and you are looming in the stair he's so eager it is i hope i wish i could show you what is going on here he is standing right there's a tiny mirror that's like a sun and the part of the circle part of the sun not the the rays are all like this like wiry thing and it's like an artsy sun and then the sun part is a mirror it's very small and he is happening to stand at the part of the mirror where i look into it and i can see his little head is perfectly filling into it and he's hiding in the stairs where he

thinks i can't i can see you i know i heard my name you said i'm bringing all my coat you said yeah i said it's coming up just because you your name, I will call you when you are summoned. I'm not, but I have to go all the way back up the fucking stairs. Don't cuss at me, mister. You said you were up there taking a poop, a nervous poop before we began. Okay, well, he will be here in mere seconds. And I say mere like M-I-R-R-O-R because I'm staring at him in a mirror that he thought because he could see me on the mirror that I couldn't see him back because he doesn't understand how physics works. And neither do I to be. Don't even ask me what physics are. But I feel like mirror images are a part of our physics and light. Stop it. You are coming in when I summon you. And why are you playing with your penis? Why did you just pull at your penis? There was a there was a pole. You are coming in when I summon you. And why are you playing with your penis? Why did you just pull at your penis?

There was a pull. That's how we're opening this? Well, we'll cut it. Your penis. His mom already did. Wait, why? Oh, circumcision. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities.

I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to

optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors.

And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow. Very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models

from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the center of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated.

Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head.

But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community. And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps.

Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world

that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's Golf is a wild ride full of big personalities,

remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E

on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. All right, here he is, my co-side host kick, Andrew Collin. Okay, I was a little premature and I apologize. Yeah, hanging on the stairs, stalking me. I mean, looking at your face in the mirror where it was just your face in the middle of that sun mirror was so creepy.

And I felt unsafe just because I feel like the first part of the show is mine that I can say whatever I want. And obviously you'll hear it if you want to, but it should be my sacred space. 100% I was giving you all your space. I was even outside on your balcony i was you're on my balcony yeah let's i mean let's set the stage for the people listening

at home who might not know uh andrew and i uh i don't know if you've heard yet you guys i'm on location for a tv show that i will be able to talk about so much when it comes out and i can't wait to tell all you guys about it because i do feel like I'm talking I know several many of you are already like friends and frans of mine which are frans friends slash fans frans but I have so many more to make and I want you to be in on my

life as much as my friends are but I can't tell you the details about this but we're in the Grand Cayman we're on the big Cayman Island Cayman okay man okay man that's how I learned how to say it so it's not Cayman. We're on the big Cayman Island. Cayman. Okay, man. Okay, man. That's how I learned how to say it. It's not Cayman. It's Cayman. That's how they say it on the radio. The one station we listen to.

It could be just one person's speech impediment. But yes, Cayman. Okay, yes. And I came in early because I heard my name. And we're living together in a condo type situation at a hotel in Grand Cayman with the rest of the crew of the show. There's like hundreds, over 100 crew members on the show.

And we have taken over this hotel. It's very fun. But Andrew and I had to quarantine for two weeks when we first arrived here because of COVID. This country has no COVID. So in order for us to be able to go out amongst the population without a mask, even with a mask at all, was we had to stay inside for two weeks. So Andrew came to this because we knew we were starting the podcast. I knew he was going to be my co-side host kick. And he came down to the show with me. He's now working on the show for me, which has been so much fun. But we live together in this tiny-ish

place that we kind of talked about last night. It's like the ideal space. I don't need more than this. I mean, I could use a little, probably another 3,000 square feet. Okay. And that's not too much. Yeah. And with a fish tank with a tiger shark in there,

that'd be pretty badass. I don't like that. I mean, that would have to be a huge tank for a tiger shark to be happy.huh that'd be pretty badass i don't i don't like that i mean that would have to be a huge tank for a tiger shark i'm talking yeah i mean half the house is tank okay are there anything else in the tiger sharks yeah of course make it happy tigers like a little castle tiger tiger shark hanging out okay a drowned tiger no we tigers can swim good i know but they need okay so there's also some land in this tank. Yeah, there's an island. I just want all these captive animals in your dream scenario

here at this hotel to be taken care of and happy. It'd be pretty badass. And then just a stock fridge. Yeah, well, we got that too. So we're living in this condo. Andrew and I are both on the second floor of it. He has a room with two twin beds. I have a room with a full bed he was upstairs

just now giving me my private time to do the top of the show he crept downstairs and now tell us tell us what you were gonna say because i went upstairs um i try not to look at any of your things when i go into your room oh yeah because you had to go through my room to go to my balcony because you don't have a balcony that's right i. I did see some apparatuses. I try not to look at them. I don't have anything else. I do. I mean, it's a colorful. Oh, I have the blue thing. There's multicolors by your bed of dildos.

No, there's not. I saw at least seven plugged in. I was like, did she bring in a. I want to be clear that the show has already discussed some sexual topics. I am not someone who's going to talk about sex every day. I'm very well known as like a sex comedian. But this is just real life. This happened.

I did not set that up for you to come down here and talk about. But this is the real life. So you saw some apparati. I saw some apparati. I was wondering how you plugged them all in. I can't believe we still have power in the house. I feel like we need a generator.

Truth be told, I brought a cord for... I'm worried that if there's a hurricane, you won't be able to plug up and you're just going to be irritated. I mean, the other night I will say that all of my things were not plugged in and I do have one that plugs into the wall and the other ones are all on a charge and the charged ones

were not working and thank God for that one that fits into the wall which i brought as a generator you know like a you know my backup my my um what is it called the generator right like when your power goes out it's like it's like a hoarder yes or like a doomsday prepper had cans of beans you have this dildo that will i don't know what i would do in a situation where i'm in like a bunker and there's like minimal energy oh you i don't know what people used to use back in the day a log maybe those like so can we no no troubles at home i just had to yell at my fiance for unloading the dishwasher because i can hear all the plates and i don't want that to be on the podcast i'm sorry but so many women are

jealous of you right now because first of all you have a fiance second of all he's emptying the dishwasher let that angel do whatever the hell he wants to do what What else? Avi, stop. My fiancé keeps rubbing my back and asking me if there's anything I need. My fiancé just paid the mortgage bill. Loud. Loudly. Stop clicking send on all the bills.

Oh, he just paid off my student loans that I could never afford. By the way, we were talking about delivery in the first segment. I just, my tone was really bad. I should go apologize. No, it wasn't at all. It was that of a woman who's working in a shared space with her fiancé. But seriously, tell him to keep it down when he calls your mom so that you don't have to. Yeah, what if he was working and you were sitting

on a lazy boy watching sports with your hand inside your pants? Yes. Too loud. How would he feel? Listen, if my hands were in my pants, there would be something loud in there. There would be blood. Oh, God. You get in there.

No, I don't. How did you sleep last night? To introduce you, I was supposed. Okay, how did you sleep last night? Because we're supposed to go into, to introduce you, I was supposed to ask how do you sleep because I do want to really lean into the fact that sleep is so important and I think that we all need to ask ourselves that

a lot more in our friends because this whole idea of like, I didn't get any sleep, I'm cool, is so done. All I wish for my friends is good sleep. I'm obsessed with everyone on this set. I'm obsessed with if they're sleeping or not. No one's sleeping except sleep. I'm obsessed with everyone on this set. I'm obsessed with if they're sleeping or not.

No one's sleeping except me. I have the best schedule on this show. Everyone's stressed. They're all fine and fun. But I'm sleeping like a, well, last night wasn't great. But how'd you sleep? I slept great. So as you know, your boy's a Winnie the Pooh sleeper.

I sleep with a t-shirt on and nothing else. Okay. And his hand in a jar of honey. Yep. Jar of honey, which makes me piss sap in the middle of the night. When kids put their hands in warm water, if you put your hands in honey,

you'll piss sap. And so... There will be sap. Sap is such a strong word for one syllable. Yeah, it's almost like wop. Oh, yeah, wop. Sad ass pussy.

God, we were really diving into those lyrics yesterday. They're really good lyrics. Oh, my God. We were getting into wop yesterday on the way into my shoot because I'm on location. We were just cruising in because it's about a 25 minute drive and those lyrics are incredible that's why i love so much rap is so funny as in like stand-up comedy funny like comedic writing i mean it's so my favorite i just feel so it really tickles me that we thought it's sap and we went to wop and not rap like oh well because you said it was like uh it had some because rap doesn't have like rap.

It doesn't have the same kind of whop. It's like, whoa. So I slept last night, no shirt. Okay. Completely naked. Oh, gross. Well, that's not Winnie the Pooh. No, no, no.

I'm saying I usually Winnie the Pooh when I don't feel comfortable with my upper body. Because I have man tits. We all know that. You are alone in bed and you want to wear a shirt by yourself in bed it's the same reason why i keep my nipples hard when i shower because i have man tits i don't like them my dad had breast cancer i feel like my tits are eventually probably going to kill me i don't know there's a lot of as a part of you not i'm not saying hoping for it but like wanting to get a breast reduction, having a reason to get a breast reduction as a man, because it is a thing that you can get.

I mean, The Rock, apparently someone, I remember I yelled at, he did something with his tits to make them look better. I've known men that I respect and love who are manly men who have had breast reductions. Okay. Well, then maybe I should look into that because the reason why I wear a t-shirt is because i don't want to look at my own fat tits in the middle of night or sometimes what i'll do is i'll sleep on my side and i never feel fatter than when i sleep on my side cleavage going sometimes i get i could literally feel my own hand between my fat tits no i relate to that if i'm just feeling kind of like more puffier i don't want to like feel my butt like sometimes

i'll itch myself with a pencil so I don't have to touch my stomach. Like in an area, like on the side sometimes my love handle, if I just hit it a wrong way. And this is, by the way, totally body dysmorphic. You should this is sad that I even think this way, but sometimes it's sap that I think this way. But if I

touch a part of my body that feels a little like, I'll just, I'll touch it with a pen. I'll scratch it with a pen so I don't have to actually touch it. Interesting. So that's your Winnie the Pooh. Yeah. Yeah. And so last night,

because I, I, whatever, I've been exercising. I've been kind of focused on health and fitness since we do, we are in location in a tropical area and I have more time to do this. I slept completely naked, which felt great to wake up naked and to know that I'm comfortable without having my own fatty tits affect my sleep habits.

Well, the fact that you sleep naked, mere feet from my own bedroom is going to make it so that I'm not going to be sleeping well. Two turned on. Let's get to the news. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. He says that line all the time, you guys. You heard it here first.

So we're calling this segment where Andrew gives us some headlines of the day. You heard it here first. And you actually might be hearing these first because we do pull some stories that we think are a little important to know but might not be the front headlines. Although we will cover top headlines as well. Yeah, because usually front headlines everyone's already talked like

a million of them are already hitting it up. But also we will cover our takes on those. But there weren't any like crazy ones today. But there were some great stories and I can't wait to get to them. Please share. Alright right so the first story guys is uh what what are you laughing about already it just felt so like i i was thinking about how i was gonna do was the headline normal so nicky wouldn't get mad at me so i didn't sound too much like a news reporter i talked to the i listen you guys this first show is kind of a shit show

right now because there's so much to make sure my listeners know. I want you to know that we have done test shows to prepare for this day, even though it might not seem like it. And so he is a little bit anxious about some of the things I've told him to work on leading up to the top show. I also

want to... Or the first show. I also want to say, Andrew, that I already told in my private talk that you were already eavesdropping on. Well, the first show i also want to say andrew that i already told in my private talk that you were already eavesdropping on well the first part of it that you may baby best while you're on my balcony and smelling my um vibrators was that um you um you and i had a great talk last night about um like our relationship and because we are we live so you know people are very confused by our relationship sometimes we are not confused by it we're best friends we live together we're both heterosexual platonic friends who have never sexually done anything romantically anything it's never been that way it never will be that way we are best friends and now

we're working on the show together and people have a hard time grasping that. Anyway, our friendship can sometimes be very, um, like it can be the best and can sometimes like have some problems as every relationship does. But last night we had a great talk. Fantastic. So tell me what you're feeling right now so we can get ahead of this so it doesn't bubble up to later. What are you feeling right now going into this segment that I have bestowed upon you to do yourself and to really take control of? I honestly, it was completely sarcasm up top. I just thought it was funny that I said, I don't think I've ever said, first story, guys. Like I'm talking to an audience since we started practicing this.

It had nothing to do with last night i felt like last night was a fantastic talk and it also helped me probably sleep better than i have in a long time great and and why was i up till five then probably has something to do with the power outage this morning so all right so you heard that story first okay and then although liver disease already funny story okay yeah okay oh no that's so funny you already know the story that's coming yes and you're like why are you laughing twice i just i'm already laughing because he is he is incapable and i'm trying to say this in the nicest way you are incapable of of reiterating

a news headline in a way that actually captures the essence of the story while sounding like you are telling something factual as opposed to you know editorialized I feel like you're already putting your spin on it although liver diseases

still affect more men. What are you... That was all one... Although liver diseases was one word for you. Although liver diseases. Yeah, so let's enunciate. Okay, I thought we were putting all the words together. Are you giving the website to go

to all the liver diseases? You don't want it to be newsy, so I put it all together. Can I do what I would do after you do what you do? Okay. Although liver diseases still affect more men, younger women are driving the increase in deaths as alcoholic liver disease is up 30% over the last year. Oh, my God.

If I'm a listener, guys, I tuned out halfway through that. Can I deliver it as I would? I know how I would do it. Okay, let's do it again let's do it take two can you believe bro that younger women are driving up increased deaths of alcohol liver disease 30 okay that's a more interesting take i kind of like that like i i have told andrew like you don't you can put it in your own words but just make sure it's still the same data from the headline like you don't need to read the headline as we give it to you. That was slightly better, but still we're still working on it.

Okay. But can you believe the story? Can I guess what the story is about? Even though that was really. Yeah. Go in. I think that recent data is showing that liver disease caused by alcoholism has jumped significantly and shown a spike in women and women's uh deaths are shooting that number up more than they ever have when

usually it's probably something that is either 50 50 or maybe mostly men. But the pandemic and the rise in drinking due to the, you know, wine culture and it's wine o'clock somewhere and I gotta have my wine if I'm gonna have kids or like give me a kid with a side of a bucket of wine so that I don't have to, being a mom is. Yeah, like, oh my God, I need a margarita children because your mom's gonna whine over here just these dumb things like this culture of like wine is okay to just

because you're a mom and you worked hard not that you shouldn't be able to enjoy a drink of wine or a glass of wine or two um if you don't have a problem with it. It just makes alcoholism silly. Yeah. Well, it justifies it. And as someone who is an addict and has addictive behaviors, I'm always looking for socially ways that I can point that society is telling me what I'm doing is okay.

For sure. So I get it. And you need it. You need it. But the problem is when it happens every day. Yes. But listen to this.

So alcoholic liver disease is more of a threat for women because their bodies process alcohol somewhat differently than men. We know this. Girls, we know this. We can't drink as much as men, even though it's a badge of honor when you can drink a guy under the table and dreaming Dave Matthews band. And then he goes down on you. The trend that began several years ago is now supercharged by the pandemic. Yes. Staying at home.

A lot more people are drinking wine a lot more people are being home and like that the the little like happy hour that used to be an event is now turning into like oh i'm just gonna walk into my other room and that is now you know i think it's on pool of hands where i used to go every friday with the girls do you think it's because also a lot of women are taking medication and then now you're drinking on top of medication you always hear like oh if you drink while you take advil it might hurt your liver more yeah that could possibly be it i think that our culture just is really making it so that women drinking alone is almost like a cool thing now like that it's like it's acceptable and it's just and it is acceptable if you can do

it responsibly but if you have a problem with it you gotta you gotta just be honest about your problem because there's nothing wrong with you you just we don't want you to die ladies and i'm i'm proud of you for for getting up there and competing with the men with you know dying from liver disease but i mean we can do Truly, women can do anything. We've proven it, but I think this is kind of a wake-up call to maybe anyone who is hearing it that maybe is like, hey, I should watch out for that. So just be careful out there. I think this is an interesting statistic that I did want to include this story,

even though it's kind of dark, as many of the livers of the women in the story are. Yeah, I mean, it's a spotty story for sure another liver joke yeah all right so let's move on to a um perhaps more uh uphearted uphearted yeah uh so the next story is uh more women are getting cancer oh my god no that's not the next story that's not the next story and i'm sorry i laughed so hard i laughed because i knew that was a fake thing. I'm sorry.

It's way worse. It's way worse. Oh, it is? Yeah. Billionaire Kylie Jenner sparks her fury by asking fans to pay for her stylist surgery after they got in a car wreck. Okay. So tell me the details of this.

Kylie Jenner is a billionaire, which a lot of people say she's not a self-made billionaire. She came from money from her family. I get it. Everyone has a problem with it. She's still a billionaire. Give it to her, whatever. I don't really care.

But she is a billionaire. Let's talk about what happened. She is one of her makeup stylists. Her makeup stylist got in a car wreck, needs brain surgery. I don't know. I car wreck uh needs brain surgery i don't know i did do a little digging i don't know if they had health insurance or not and the number got up to so he they started a go fund me the family okay his family jenner shared the go fund me his family got it not her his family started it she shared it on her story. She donated $5,000. Now, what I've learned is that when she donated, everyone goes, only $5,000.

What the fuck's wrong with her? At the time, his family was asking for $10,000 and they raised $6,000. She gave $5,000 to actually get it over the hump to $11,000. Okay. Now it's at $100,000 because she shared it. People are freaking out because she's asking her poor fans. Even though when she shared it, she had already went past the calf. Yes.

Or what they were asking. At least that's what the- She brought it up to 11 when they were asking for 10. She still shared it, meaning that she knew that they might need more. True. Because why would you share it? Yes. And a lot of people are mad because it's like, as a billionaire,

why wouldn't you just go call them up and go, hey, what do you need? Let's take down this GoFundMe. I'll pay for all of it. Right? Yes. Noah, are we getting this all right? You're getting it absolutely right.

And okay, well, I completely agree with everyone on that. And she's a young girl and... Wait, you agree that she should get shit for not paying for all of it herself? Do you realize that this makeup artist has Chrissy Teigen as a client, Khloe Kardashian, other... Not a billionaire. Not a billionaire. Keep going.

But why is it a billion? What's the difference between a billion and $150 million when you're talking about $60,000? I'm just saying that it went up to $60,000. Why are we getting mad, though, at her? Like, she didn't... I'm not mad. This is my thing with Kylie, though.

I just want to get even. She charges $30 for a lip kit, right? Yeah. And then she'll put a lip kit that you need to probably... Do you have to get a lip kit a month probably? Not what? Wait, we just learned that Andrew doesn't understand what a lip kit is or how women.

How long does a lip kit last? How long do you think a lip kit lasts? A month. Oh, babe, okay. Okay, how long? Well, generally a couple days because you just lose it or you drop it in your purse and it like the the little compartments fall out and then they get a bunch of like dirt and like gum wrappers in it and then they get all over your other stuff and it's just unsalvageable

so but generally if you're using a lip kit every day and i'm guessing her lip kits i don't know what they look like but i'm assuming they have about 10 to 16 colors in them, maybe four or five in some of them. It would last you, I would say, three months if you're using it every day and like a year or three years or probably you would throw it out before you even

finished it for most of them. Whoa. Okay. Yeah. Women really don't complete makeup a lot of times. There are certain products that you do complete, but most of the time you throw it out before it's done, especially with a kit situation where they give you colors that you're like, this one stinks, but I like this one. Okay. But it's $30 for a lip kit.

Okay. Let's say it comes with six colors. It lasts four months if you use it every day. So then you're spending, if it's four months. What is your point? We get it. My point is, is that she puts up a post with a lib kid asking her poor followers to buy 30 dollars give them that for lips and with these

lips you're gonna be as hot as me and we don't get out i mean maybe some people get after her but now we're she just put up on her story a link to a GoFundMe, and everyone's like, you're a fucking billionaire. If she was fucking made it a post, and she was like, hey, donate to the GoFundMe, and you could have my tits. Then I would be like, that's pretty fucked up. But she just shared it on her story. And she's not making anyone. You know, listen, I like promoting giving. I like promoting altruism and being generous with your money but i really do want to keep some things in perspective when we're talking about a billionaire these are things i

did not know and i pulled up some facts from a sam harris podcast i listened to a really long time ago his podcast i'm going to reference him a lot on the show i'm sorry if you're not a fan but these are not political statements of his this is just uh facts about giving but he said uh mark zuckerberg recently donated 75 million dollars to uh sorry one second mark zuckerberg and his wife priscilla chan gave 75 million dollars to san francisco general hospital this is a transcript from his thing and this is the largest gift to a public hospital ever apparently and yet the city's board of supervisors supervisors voted 10 to 1 to condemn the naming of the hospital after zuckerberg and chan um they

vilified zuckerberg in this process so uh zuckerberg and chan gave 75 million dollars to a hospital and obviously this is a wonderful thing to do he says and the fact that this is the largest private gift to a public hospital ever tells you that it should be celebrated rather than sneered at agreed same as kylie right which is what the social justice lunatics on the board of supervisors have done okay so that was his his thought beneath the animosity of the supervisors is the growing problem of wealth inequality zuckerberg zuckerberg's gift probably seems more generous than it is okay so 75 billion million dollars you're like holy holy shit, that's a lot. Okay, he is worth $75 billion. Then Sam Harris checks it and he goes, oh, actually, he is worth $100 billion, actually. And he goes, wow, somehow between me knowing how much he's worth and today, he made another

$25 billion, right? Okay, so Zuckerberg's gift probably seems more generous than it is he says in fact for someone with 75 billion dollars to cut a check for 75 million that's like someone with 75 million cutting a check for 75 000 or for someone with 75 000 to give 75 towards some cause okay but here's the thing seven if you give $75 and you have $75,000, that's actually more money than what Zuckerberg gave because $75 is more precious to you than $75 million is to Zuckerberg. So Kylie Jenner being a billionaire giving... But then you could say that that proportion though, to $75 million will go way longer than the $75 that person gives.

Does that make sense? Okay, but you still don't deserve a bunch of credit for it and deserve a hospital to be named after you. Because in the scheme of things, you're parting with what amounts to $100 from someone who makes a very, very livable wage. And you don't get wings named after you when you give $100 if you're someone who's a tenured school teacher. Don't you think shitting on someone that does a good deed, even though it's not exactly the right way— No one's shitting on him. I'm just making a point about wealth inequality and how insane it is. He's talking about Kylie, though.

Yes, I understand that, but I think it's good if we look at it from a numbers perspective and say that this isn't really the most that these people can do. But it is good to... It would be better if she gave more and said, you should give as much of the same percentage of your income that I give, if you can. Although that would be more to that person. That gives it. My point is. Is that she. She could have not have shared it at all.

Like what if that. And I guess she won't ever again. Maybe she won't. Yeah. Or maybe other people won't. I'm just saying. I don't think we. Anyone understands what a billion dollars is.

And the fact that. I do. I do hear when people argue though. They go. Well actually. They are worth $75 billion, but that's in stocks and everything. They actually only have like $3 billion under cash, which does change how you look at things.

I just love the fact that— And I'm not trying to stick—I'm not trying to be like, billionaires, you should feel bad for billionaires. I'm just saying that if someone does a good thing and they get shit on it's going to stop people from doing good things yes um this is just the part of that sam harris that i love about wealth and equality that i just think i want to share with my listeners he says most people just don't have good intuitions about the magnitude of differences in wealth the richest people now make in a day, in a day, what the most successful movie stars,

Tom Cruise and Will Smith and Scarlett Johansson make over the course of many years or even a lifetime at the absolute pinnacle of success in the movie industry. Like I got into the entertainment business and I'm not going to lie. Partially it's the month I want to be wealthy because I want to take care of all the people I love and have a great life. And it's not even the greatest. It's not even close to the best business to be in to make the most money. You as a kid, you always think like a movie star is like the pinnacle or like being a prince. But that's so far off. Or being a sports player.

But the owner is what you want to be. Yeah, exactly. But, you know, I want you to make as much money. So if I get in a car wreck and I need $38 I won't share it on my story but I'll, actually no I can give you a story but I might take it down before 24 hours.

Would you put a swipe up? Yeah, what I think we learned here is that Andrew thinks lip kits last a lifetime. That's the best. And they do because they end up in the sea as trash and they're not biodegradable and everything's trash.

Next story. Okay. Next story. Spain is going to trial a four-day work week. The pilot program will reduce the 40-hour work week to 35 hours. I love this. Spain's on top of it. Spain, siesta. They already did a good job

With like letting their Sleep Getting more sleep in Siesta's built in I love the idea that There is a nation Well they stay up very late That's their thing

Yeah well good for them It's fun to be up late Staying up late is cool It's what all the cool kids do I don't think America Will ever get to a four day work week We are too You know obsessed with working hard

As I mean I work seven days a week if i can and i hate taking days off it's uncomfortable so i'm part of the problem but i love that um there is a country that is but you think government should get involved in that yeah absolutely because i don't think that otherwise it's going to happen i know shake shack does uh in that article it said shake shack in america does a four day work week for their employees yep and they see an up so who makes the burgers on friday i mean they stack the workers in different ways yeah the thing about this article is that it employs more people it creates more jobs and it keeps uh salaries at the same rate but the you know and this is where like economics comes into

play where you make one change and it affects something else because then that affects the prices to the consumer right but so we might have to pay more if people are working less hours yes but people are getting paid more and there's more jobs yeah it's the same but it's creating more jobs right i don't have a problem paying more's creating more jobs right i don't have a problem paying more but that's just me i don't have a problem paying more so that people who make a less like make a minimum wage don't have to work as long of hours so then they could i'm probably losing listeners as i say that i don't want to get political no because then they could donate to kylie jenner's i will fun for her to buy a lip kit yes the four-day week work week also takes away from

driving to work as much and also with the pandemic happening i do feel like there's like this like feeling like we've all played a lot of companies proved that they could work from home yes that things can happen from home that you don't have to work nine hours a day to and you could be more efficient oh yeah you can now i feel like everyone's like i can't wait to drive to work on a friday morning and get in traffic again like people are like like i gotta i gotta do it because then that's how i feel like i'm alive because i'm actually working i'm struggling i don't know you don't have to struggle to feel uh successful or to feel fulfilled that's definitely the american way though you don't have to struggle to feel successful or to feel fulfilled. That's definitely the American way, though. You can't enjoy

yourself unless there's struggle put in. It's how I live my life. Okay, our last news story in Andrew's You Heard It Here First will always be something we like to call Why Do I Care? And that's going to be the soundbite for it. From the first show, that lick.

Why do I care? andrew give us a headline that i truly need to find out why do i care and maybe we can answer arlando bloom get this folks says he and katie perry don't have enough sex after she gave birth in august right well i read this and he was being interviewed in a magazine which can be taken out of context i've been interviewed before and i've been sarcastic or joking and then in print it's like i'm the biggest asshole ever it sounds like i'm being sincere so i read further and it was like the guy asked him do you how often do you have sex and he said not enough i mean we just had a kid though so So, I mean, that's still, both those things can be true.

And it doesn't mean he's being like, oh, I want more. She's a bad person because she's not. And he did follow it up with saying that anal has never been higher. No, he didn't say that. That's inaccurate. Oh, I thought I...

Okay, thank you, Noah, for fact-checking that. Well, I want to go on record and say that he said that. I think this, why do I care about this? I think I care about it because, listen, I like that the journalist had the balls to ask him that. I'm sure that they were drinking and they were like having a little like loose conversation. I love that question. I love asking couples, how often are you having sex? A lot of times people like don't want to divulge that to me because they're sick.

They're either not having it or, but I think it's just a, it's fascinating to me because i haven't been in a relationship in so long and i think it's a it it waxes and wanes like uh oh what's that thing that does that i mean how long do you how long well neither one of us have had a baby or whatever but how long do you should you expect your wife to want to have sex with you after she just threw a kid out of her vagina like you know what i mean like or if there's a c-section needs to have sex or would like to be intimate with you and you have just given birth it should obviously never happen unless you are wanting it to happen too but then you should allow him to watch porn or maybe partake in something outside of you that um that would be purely sexual and not something that would jeopardize your emotional

relationship or your sexual health so you're saying he shouldn't have sex outside the marriage if your wife just gave out a baby no i mean it should be consented but i think women should consider like letting their if you don't want to fuck your husband let someone else do it and then a guy is not going to go have sex with some girl that's just like gonna fuck a married guy and he's not going to fall in love with her he's just gonna come and then he's going to come back home to you and he's going to be in a good mood because you let him go just do this thing that is my thought I'm sure there are many people that would never let that happen but that is my thought and I know I just probably lost a lot of female listeners. I'm not saying that's for everyone.

That is if you are okay with that. But I think a lot of men, that would be a good answer to a lot of this, like, oh, I don't have enough sex and I don't want to have sex with him, but I love him and I will again someday, but just not right now. Okay, go find a girl who wants to give you a blowjob.

So I guess I get what you're saying. I think like, look, just because you can't come and have sex doesn't mean that you should, that you should also feel this burden. So if you come, you'll be happier and I shouldn't have my shit deal with your shit, but you cause that shit by coming in my shit.

I just don't think that everyone should expect their partner to feel the exact same way they do people. Even though you're in a partnership, your partner might have different feelings about something than you and you shouldn't shame them for that feeling of wanting to have sex and wanting to have a physical connection with someone that honestly might not have jeopardized what you guys have. If you allow it, I'm not trying to be like polyamorous, like free love. I'm not in a relationship. So I'm talking out of line. I don't know what that's like. I will. So don't get mad allow it i'm i'm not trying to be like polyamorous like free love i'm not in a relationship so i'm talking out of line i don't know what that's like i will i will uh so don't get mad at me but that's

just my thoughts i do think there's women at home that had a baby and they're fucking going crazy right now thinking that no i'm not saying that it's like you should be punished and you should you should be cuckolded and let your husband go fuck someone if you don't want that. But I think that women should maybe try to arrive at a place that's like they can look at sex as like going to get a bite of food. Like that innocuous to a guy because I do think that guys feel like nutting sometimes is as dumb as like a really good burger. They're not thinking about the burger afterwards. They're not trying to run away with the burger and leave their family for the burger. And I'm not saying that women are burgers. Okay. That's our new

segment. Let's play a little game called top two, bottom two. That's when we go around the circle with producer Noah, Andrew, and myself. And we say our top two, bottom two of any certain category today, Noah, what is our category? The category is gifts. Okay, top two, bottom two gifts you've received. Now, these are going to be the top two greatest gifts you've received and the bottom two worst gifts you've received. Let's start with bottoms. We'll each start with one bottom. Noah, kick us off.

Producer Noah, kick us off. What is one of the worst gifts you've ever received? Okay, a hand-knitted sweater that looks like a like a baby sweater for an adult yeah and that I personally showed you it um what did you do with that sweater because it was given to you can you say who gave it to I mean I don't I want you to only disclose as much as you want because the person could be listening I gave it my mom who I haven't spoken to in a while, gave it to me as a gift.

And I'm trying to keep the lines open and be positive. So right now it's just rolled up into a ball, stuffed on a shelf all the way in the corner of my closet. It looks like something you addressed a baby before its funeral in. It looks like an 1800s does a present get more value if the person takes longer making it themselves shitty gifts but this is something like i think to noah and based on your relationship with your mom that has had like it's rough times you receiving a gift that is so something you would not want adds it's almost more insulting because

you're like she doesn't know me at all and i think that's what hurts about gifts sometimes so much is not the heart can go into it but it doesn't matter no matter how much time it's that this person doesn't know me and that's what i just learned of them right exactly it's so funny because i'm gonna go right into this same exact kind of style of gift. My mom bought me and my two brothers a denim vest. Exactly the same ones. And I'm not like a cool denim vest. I was 20. No, no.

I was 35 years old. Oh, that makes me. She bought us all denim vests. I felt like initially my first thought is my mom is finally okay with me being gay. And this is the way she wants to show me at first. your brothers and my brothers that are married with kids uh it was like i don't know when you wear a denim vest what did she give it to you what occasion it was for hanukkah okay yeah and did you guys make fun of her was it like funny that okay yeah we made fun of her to her we always make fun of her gifts because my mom has amazing fashion until she buys us clothes.

Her Prada, everything. Beautiful. Everything. Me, Izod shirt with a V-neck. A denim vest she got at Costco. Actually, it was $300. That's the saddest part. Okay, so she did spend a lot of money and it was probably designer,

but it was... It was in all of our fires during the winter so badly that you three brothers took a picture with your denim vests on as just like oh this is funny we can all like re like we hated them so much we didn't even think oh god well they're recycled now and that was your hanukkah like that was the last night of hanukkah gift i think that was the only hanukkah gift that you because we stopped we stopped talking to her on the second day. One of my bottom two worst gifts ever was a

baby doll my dad brought home for me when I was probably four or five. It's one of my earliest memories. And it was the first time that I realized my family might be poor. And my dad brought home a... He went to a garage sale on his way home from work. And he was like, Nick, I got you this baby doll. And it was naked and like, you know, like old, but like, and I felt so bad for my dad

because I was like, he's trying to like, give me this gift. That's like it may. And I cried so hard alone in my room and I couldn't sleep that late that night because I was like, my dad is like, it was just like a gift that you'd see like a dad in the great depression, give his kid to be like, I don't got nothing for you, but I got something. I pulled her out of the trash. And I, even at the age of four,

I could like have pity for my dad. And I remember I went into their bedroom late at night and I was like, I can't sleep. And they were like, Nikki, why? And I was like, cause that,

that naked baby doll dad gave me, it was, and I couldn't explain what I was feeling, but what it was feeling was embarrassment on behalf of my dad. But when I look back on it, like, I don't know if you're getting teary eyed, but like I'm getting teary eyed even thinking about it.

No, it's a, I wasn't getting teary eyed at all. It's so sweet that he tried, like that my dad stopped at a garage sale and like, I just can't believe that was your thought process at that age. I would just be like sad that my dad got me such a shitty gift. I was like a smart kid that was very emotionally aware of things that I

didn't even understand. And I'm not bragging by saying I'm smart. I'm just, I just was like a very emotionally intelligent child beyond probably more so than I am now. I've pushed so much of it down. Okay. So let's get into, uh, your, one of your top gifts. Okay. Um, a top gift of mine was a custom Ray-Bans that my friend Roland got me, and he based it off a picture of Lady Gaga wearing her Ray-Bans. Oh, he got you? Yeah, he got you the Ray-Bans of that picture I took where you – by the way, you guys, Noah, producer Noah looks exactly like Lady Gaga. What were we watching the other day, Andrew, that we were like, holy shit.

She is so Gaga. We were watching some Gaga clips, and Andrew just goes, I can't believe how much noah is gaga i mean it's insane so i found a picture of lady gaga at sirius xm studios where i originally met noah she was my producer on my show you up with nikki glazer and now she's uh my producer on the nikki glazer podcast with iheart radio and big money players but she um i sent her this picture of lady gaga in sirius xm at a certain studio that we could recreate the shot and she would look exactly like it and Roland, our

friend Roland who is the talent booker over at Sirius XM he got you a pair of those exact same Ray-Bans so we could recreate the shot. Yeah. So that's one of my favorite gifts. We gotta put up that picture. I lost those glasses for two years

and I was so bummed and I recently found them in a suitcase. Oh, isn't that the best feeling? Noah, you have to post that picture. Guys, go see the two picture comparisons because we took those pictures. I took that picture of you, right? To recreate the Gaga one. You did.

Yeah. We did a great job. You can see how much she looks like her. So Noah's going to put that in her stories or maybe on her main post on Instagram. And you can follow Noah at Noah Injection. N-O-A Injection. I-N-J-E-C-T-I on her main post on Instagram and you can follow Noah at Noah injection, N O a injection. I N J E C T I O N on Instagram and Andrew Collin. You can follow him on Instagram at Andrew T Collin, not Collins, Collins, C O L L I N Andrew T Collin, Andrew T Collin. What is your top gift? I mean, my top gift is I think from my grandparents, when I was a kid, you would get a letter for my birthday and it would be hard cash and it'd be like $200 bills. I thought you were going to say it's like this handwritten letter that would really touch my heart, but it was just the cash.

Yeah, but the cash was so crisp. It was like, and you could feel it and you could smell it. And when you're a kid, $200 bills, you're Bill Gates. You're fucking Kylie Jenner. Yeah, you're that kid in blank check. Yeah, it's and now you get a Venmo you know, you get a Venmo for 40 grand and

it wouldn't feel as good. You're so right. It depends on what emoji was attached to it. Yeah, yeah. And if it was put on private or public, you know, letting those people know. There's like an eggplant and like 50 grand, but yeah, no, but just that hard cash. Yeah, that's great that because my uncle tv used to always put two a crisp two dollar bills as like a joke in our cards and

those that crispness of new money really it really does something to you as a kid great answer okay my number one gift one of my number one gifts was uh a uh my bird kiwi i had the best pet i ever owned was my parakeet kiwi that i got when i was in fifth grade and it was the only time i've cried from happiness in my entire life when i opened uh my parents didn't have kiwi yet but they had a uh it was a white package with red ribbon that my mom and i i was pissed because i wanted a bird that christmas and there was no bird cage and i was like i was in a bad mood finally opened this thing and it was like one of those little it was like the styrofoam cuddle thing that bird owners know.

It's like a cuddle toy. Was it alive in your dad or was it dead in your dad? Yeah, it was a dead corpse of the parakeet and they knew that I wanted a parakeet. I didn't specify how I wanted it. No, and I cried and Kiwi ended up being the best pet I've ever owned.

Sorry, Luigi. Sorry, Marion. Sorry, Simon. Sorry, Speedo. Sorry, hermit crabs that I killed by starving to death accidentally

because I just didn't know what to feed you and you smelled so bad and I was scared of you. Noah, what's your other bottom gift? Rapid fire.

The other one, it's kind of like a general thing, but I got these wooden earrings with like music notes in them and they were clearly not bought for me. They were a re-gift. So I guess a re-gift

is a bottom. A re-gift is the opposite of someone knitting you a sweater. Re-gifts are not okay unless you are honest about it, in which case they're more than okay and I love it because it's recycling. It's good for the earth. Andrew, what is your number one bottom gift?

Your worst gift you've ever received? Okay, my worst gift, and this can be kind of across the board here, but I got like a $20 gift certificate to Best Buy. And I fucking hate it because you can't buy anything in Best Buy for $20. So it's going to make me fucking pay like $1,000 for a TV. Dude, what year did you get a Best Buy gift certificate?

I mean, this was years ago. I can't remember. Okay, so you could buy a CD. CDs were going for like $17.99 back then. This is talking 2004 prices. You could have gotten a cool Wallflower CD. I don't know. You pick up the new Billy Joel Greatest Hits.

I think a $20 gift card to Best Buy is a great gift. Your mom's vest should have trumped a Best Buy gift card. But I do know what you're saying when you're given a small gift card amount to a big ticket price place. Yeah, that I can't afford. But Best Buy also sells chewing gum and sports drinks know what i'm okay i yes we could break a phone charger that you know you steal from me literally he has not bought his own phone charger in 18 years anyway um okay so i get what you're saying i my number one worst gift would be any jewelry from a man. And that includes earrings that Andrew gave me two Christmases ago.

It was our first Christmas as friends. We met in January of 2018. It was that Christmas. He had been on the road with me and he decided to spend some really hard-earned money on a pair of earrings. Did your girlfriend help you pick them out? Who helped you pick them out?

Some random girl that I actually hung out with randomly. Okay, so you maybe got laid because you asked her for your help in picking out these jewelry, which is I think one of the strategies in that pickup artist book, The Game, is to be like, oh, I gotta buy my friend a gift. Can you help me? And then you suck her later. I also had a $10 gift certificate. Okay, well

he bought me some turquoise earrings. That was a good gift because I do love turquoise and he knew that, but they were just bulky. They weren't my style. I'm just telling you men, even if you think you know what a girl wants, with Andrew's thought going in like, I can't fuck up, she likes turquoise jewelry, he's still fucked up.

And I did not receive the gift well. I was not very gracious and I should have just shut my mouth. But you are in a group of all men, including my father who's bought me jewelry and bought my mom jewelry. Just give us a gift card to Best Buy and we'll get some, we'll get,

it's like you guys buy jewelry at best buy it. I was, I've been given some, you know, shitty gifts from Zales. That was like some kind of heart thing that a guy thought I wanted. I've been given a pearl necklace that was gorgeous from Tiffany, from my beloved ex-boyfriend who spent so much money.

And it was, and all my friends were like, Oh my God, it's amazing. I don't wear pearls. And I know that every woman deserves pearls, but it was just giving me something to lose or have stolen from me.

And I'm not good with jewelry. And I just, if I want jewelry, I'll buy it myself. But I do appreciate the thought. Noah, what is the best gift you've ever received? Top gift, round robin, here we go. I couldn't really think of the best gift, but the one thing that I always love receiving are flowers. I know it's corny, but I love it.

I didn't even think about flowers. That would have been on my bottom. I hate flowers. Why do you love flowers so much? I just love them and I would never buy them for myself, which is what makes it a good gift. But don't you hate that you have to like put them, like cut them and like put them in a thing

and then they die and then they just remind you of how things die and you'll die someday and then you have to like throw them in a thing and then they die and then they they just remind you of how things die and you'll die someday and then you have to like throw them in the trash and it's like sad and they get kind of soggy and gross i'm okay with death it doesn't okay i'm not i guess interesting i think that's maybe why i don't like flowers but i do i you know you're not alone flowers girls love flowers um and i hope to be one of those girls someday but for now edible arrangements i don't have to watch them die i just eat it all and then it comes out as poop later yeah and i've only bought a girl a flower i think twice in my life one time i uh on valentine's i bought roses and i pulled out the petals and put them like towards the bed like

hansel and gretel or whatever okay that's what an old woman cooks to children but um yes we understand when they're going through the forest and i think it's ansel and gretel where they leave a trail to get away and i'm glad that you left a trail for this woman to escape and remember where she did all right yeah yeah right into another man's arms oh was this your girlfriend in college yeah oh my god and you did the roast did she even like it i don't even know if she showed up oh my god man that's so sad okay what's your number one top gift uh the gold chain you gave me really yeah it's pretty awesome this just came back to bite me yeah it was i did give andrew a gold chain i i bought it for myself and it just is too much and i never wear it's always been on my jewelry box i always see it i'm like the other day he was trying to accessorize with some turquoise because there's a guy on our set who wears a lot of turquoise and it's like seems to be like it

makes him this guy look cooler to us and we all like love it and then andrew got a turquoise necklace from the wardrobe department and he's been wearing it as a joke but he honestly like kind of likes it it's kind of peacocking shout out to the the neil strauss is the game again pickup artistry and um then the other night i go you know what would be awesome we want we were going to set and i wasn't even on set. Like we are just going to hang out with some people. And I go, it'd be so funny if you showed up wearing like a chain and your turquoise and the sunglasses and just like douche look just as a bit. And he walked in with this chain and then I go, you can have that. And now he's like wearing the chain. Seriously. He lost their turquoise,

even though he's wearing it right now as a joke. But the chain, the chain to represent like a new beginning for me, maybe, you know, a guy that sleeps withquoise even though he's wearing it right now as a joke. The chain, too, represents a new beginning for me. Maybe a guy that sleeps with his shirt off because he's okay with his fat tits. But it does. It represents, I don't care what other people think. If I want to wear a fucking gold chain, I'm going to fucking wear it. How much do you think that chain cost me? Because I remember.

$450. All right, good guess. What was it? What was it? How much was it? $40. Was right. Good guess. What was it? What was it? How much was it? $40. Okay. Was it really?

Yeah. You said it was expensive. It was. That's expensive to me for jewelry that I don't wear, you know, that I'm just taking a gamble on. And it was on the street. No, this is not one of my favorite presents anymore. I thought you gave me like a fucking like rich ass chain. This chain sucks.

That see, isn't that just god wealth inequality it's right back to what sam harris said or what i kind of said uh that he said all right number one top gift for me drum roll please taylor swift signed copy of a cd no but that was a great gift i did not say that but yes i i would put that up there it's not the number one for me. The number one for me is a lighter that was worth $1,241, I believe, that it was a DuPont lighter given to me by Charlie Sheen after the one night I met him and he accidentally set his hair on fire. Long story but um he accidentally inflamed his hair and i put his fire out on his head with my open palm and because of that and because of my friend telling him that he deserves he should give me a gift because i was with my friend she was like give her a gift he gave me this brand

new lighter that he got is in a box and the price tag was on it it's 1200 something dollars and it's like the coolest fucking lighter it's a dupont black matte like uh cased it's like gold you've seen it i use it i mean my favorite part about this whole story is you thought it was broken oh yeah i didn't use it so i got this happened in 2013 i'm guessing and i did not use it at all i just was gonna give it to my mom to sell on ebay but i'm so glad I didn't because now it's just always going to be this artifact I have that I'll give to my kids that I'm never going to have. And it's just a great story that I'll share later. But I didn't use the lighter because I couldn't get it to work. And I thought it didn't have fluid in it. I just assumed it didn't have fluid in it.

But then I realized that I just didn't know how to work it. And the second I showed Andrew two months ago, he took it out of the box and immediately opened it and made it work. And it is the coolest way it lights. It's DuPont lighter. It doesn't go out. Can I ask you a question? Of course. And you're going to be completely honest.

Yeah. If Charlie Sheen gave you the same earrings that I bought you. Best gift of my life. It has nothing to do with the lighter itself. It really could have been a guitar pick, you know. No, no, no. That's how that was the exact answer. Yeah. It was just like the meaning behind of chewing gum. No, no, no. That's how. That was the exact answer I wanted. Thank you.

Yeah, it was just like the meaning behind it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to close up the show today with our final thought. This is always something that we wanted to say earlier on, but we had to move on because of time restraints. So one last time to get in something. Andrew, do you have a final thought for the day?

It could be literally anything. Yeah. My final thought of the day is that if you are having trouble with a friend or if you're if something's building don't wait for it to build to ruin uh something that's so beautiful otherwise so just if you're feeling low and you're feeling like maybe they couldn't handle it or they'll get defensive that's okay just speak your truth because nine out of ten times the person isn't going to be like oh fuck you they're going to actually like really relate to you and if it comes from a meaningful place it will uh that and

um freaking just live dude i love that my final thought is keep those things inside because if you bring them out at the end of a podcast, it can really just end on a tone that isn't as uplifting as we wanted for the end of the podcast. Keep your feelings bottled up. Hold them inside. Take them out on your pets and your family and other

people on the road. You chose liver disease as our first story. So many fun things happened today. Of course, I'm joking. I loved that final thought. My final thought is, thank you for listening to this podcast. I am so excited to explore this new territory with you.

I want you all to know who are listening that this is going to be Monday through Thursday. I could have done a weekly podcast and made the same amount of money, but I fought to do it every day because I love communicating with you guys every day. I love being able to put something out every day.

I love morning radio. I love the vibe it creates of like, these are my friends. I want you guys to feel like you're our friends. We want you to interact with us. We want you to write into the show, which you can do by sending us an email at the Nikki Glaser podcast at gmail.com.

The Nikki Glaser podcast at gmail.com. You can follow us on Instagram at Nikki Glaser at gmail.com the Nikki Glazer podcast at gmail.com you can follow us on Instagram at Nikki Glazer at Andrew T. Collin at Noah Injection I want to be honest and say that I could have gone a lot of ways with this show I knew I want to do a podcast I ended up at iHeartRadio on purpose they have been amazing and I'm not just saying that I know this sounds like an acceptance speech for like when people think they're agents and you're like, who cares? No one wants to hear about your agents. Just thank your boyfriend or whoever, you know, like you're a celebrity. We don't want to hear about that. Not about like the industry that, you know, lifts you up. But

truly iHeart is huge. And they are giving me a much bigger platform than I would have had on my own. And I'm so grateful for that. And I want to take advantage of it. So however, you're finding this podcast either through an ad through another podcast, or you know, it came up on new and notable on iTunes, or you have the I heart radio app and it was suggested or which is a great way to listen to podcasts, by the way. And also I'm with big money players, which is Will Ferrell's company, podcast network. And it was just such an honor to be asked to join his network and to be promoted through that as well because Will Ferrell is a comedy god

and he now knows I exist which is the coolest thing to me ever. What's up Will? Yeah Andrew and him have become personal friends. That's not true at all. WF bro. You probably have no idea that you're even involved in this but I do want to say that this is just a huge opportunity

for me. I know that I have done the work and put in the work that I deserve this opportunity, and I don't want to fuck it up for you guys, and I'm really going to try my best. Write us. Let us know what you think, but most importantly, and I don't ever ask for this, could you please subscribe, rate, and

review? Please subscribe, rate, and review, and be kind in those things if you want to be. If you don't want to be kind, how about you don't do anything? Because look inside yourself if you want to go on there and give me one star and say how much you hate me. It's probably a projection on your own. So leave us a kind review.

It'll make you feel good. Or don't. Just listen and just subscribe when you want to. But I really appreciate you listening. It's not lost on me that this took you know, took an hour of your day. And feel free to listen to us on double the speed. That's how I consume podcasts, but I talk really fast, so you'll probably have to do it at half the speed. We'll come up with so many inside jokes with you guys.

We'll come up with a thing to call you all. We'll come up with, like, a sign-off. I don't know what any of that's going to be right now. But for now, thank you for listening to the Nikki Laser Podcast. Thank you, Producer Noah. And thank you, what? Will Ferrell. I'll hit you up later.

Oh, my God. All right. We'll see you tomorrow, guys. How this is going. Nikki Glaser podcast. See you then. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover,

that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of

your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show, Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors.

It's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus you'll get special content just for podcast listeners like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club.

Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives

dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions

on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Did you know that 70% of people get hired at companies where they already have a connection? I'm Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's editor-at-large for jobs and Career Development. And on my podcast, Get Hired,

I bring you all the information you need to, well, get hired. Landing a job may be tough, but Get Hired is here for you every step of the way with advice on resumes, networking, negotiation, and so much more. Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you like to listen.