The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #10 Conan Day

Episode Date: April 7, 2021

Today's podcast is recorded before and after Nikki's appearance on Conan. Although the gang has some recording issues nothing can get them down on Conan Day. It's a warts and all kind of show and you know how Nikki feels about warts! Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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on the Black Effect Podcast Network, the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you go to find your podcast. Hey, besties. Before we get into this, really quick note. The audio is not going to be up to snuff. It isn't right now, and it's not going to be because our microphone isn't working. There are a lot of technical issues today.

They will all be resolved tomorrow. Please don't comment about the audio. We're trying our best, but it will be back to sounding crisp, clear, and under control tomorrow. But enjoy the show because this one's a good one. Here's Nikki. Thank you, Noah. Hello, everyone. Hey, besties. Hey, And Nikki Glaser, I don't know. I'm just approaching, uh, I'm doing Conan, um, uh, in four hours. Yeah. Less than four hours. Ooh. I don't like to say it like that. Some people could run a marathon in that time. Um, I, yeah, I'm doing Conan. This is my, uh, it's probably like my seventh time on the show, brag. And I, the last time I did it was in May and it was over Zoom as well.

And following that appearance, which was great, by the way, it ended up being amazing. Really funny. And everyone was pleased on their end. And i had like a i think you we were doing the i think we were maybe we weren't doing the podcast then but i think no i i told you at the time that i had like a major um meltdown after it like i just i was on a walking my i was living with my parents in may obviously and um after i got done with the Conan appearance, I like couldn't stop crying cause I was like, just regretted not working hard enough on it, not being funny enough at being too, I wasn't quick enough, like all these things. And then it aired and it was fine. And my parents

were like, I remember walking the dogs in our neighborhood during the day after I taped it. And they were just like, they had that look on their face that they used to have when I was in like high school and all through my childhood when I would kind of over react to things and they'd look at themselves like we can't really like even nurture this because it's so crazy and it's so irrational because they were like listening to the interview through the door and they were like we it sounded interview through the door and they were like, we, it sounded like you had so much fun and like you did that joke and that like, we worked on this. We, you know, I like went through my talking points with them beforehand. They were like,

sounds like you hit them all. Like what is going on? I was like, I don't know. I just have this deep regret. And I was like really riddled with a sadness over it. Like I had squandered this opportunity and Conan's never going to want to talk to me again. All these dumb things. And then it was great. And then it got like, not that these lists matter, but one of the jokes I did ended up as like one of the funniest moments of 2020 based on,

I don't know, some like, you know, Vulture Magazine, the 100 greatest comedy moments. And one of them from that interview was on there. it was just like looking back on it now i'm like that was such a waste of like regret is so dumb because it doesn't do i mean i guess it propels you to do better the next time and to like punish yourself but like the way I'm approaching it this time, I'm not even trying. I just don't have that heaviness on it of like, it's Conan. This is your dream. Like last night I was looking at the stars on the beach. It was so beautiful. I'm like just laying out underneath the stars at like a one o'clock in the morning. It's pretty dark out there. So you can see a lot of shooting

stars. A couple of times I thought I saw a shooting star, but it was just like a floater in my eye and i was like wow that that shooting star just keeps changing directions every time my eye moves um i hate it when that happens oh my god i was like seriously like oh my god that is a ufo wait now it's moving up now it's moving to the right wait no that's my eye that's my the direction looking. You don't, you hate it when you try to trace it. You try to like follow a floater, but then you're like, it's the chicken or the egg. Like, is the floater following me or am I following the floater? And I know floaters are a sign of early glaucoma. So yes, I should get my eyes checked. Please don't DM the show. Um, but I, uh, I was staring at the stars and i was just like think about like just celebrate

that you get to like have a conversation with conan when when usually when i go into interviews why can't i treat this like uh you know i always over prepare but it's like why do i treat this like like a gymnastics routine at the olympics like i have to stick every the land like i have to why can't it just be a maybe if i just show up in on myself and I'm not trying to hit all these punchlines, maybe it'll be a better interview. Maybe we'll be more connected. Maybe there'll be more like listening and riffing if I'm not worried about what am I going to say next? So anyway, I am just way less stressed about it. I went over my jokes like once with, before I talked to the producer,

once with the producer, and then once yesterday with my, you know, my team and Andrew, or, you know, my team being like the wardrobe people and hair and makeup girl and a couple other friends on the show and punched it up and I feel fine and the lack of preparation is making me nervous that I'm like I've changed I can't

I can't compete at the level I used to I don't care enough but maybe I'm just be myself. Because I gotta be honest, there's, I read a great, between you and me, I read a great Billie Holiday quote that I'm like obsessed with. And I'm not a quote person. And I know we have a segment on the show coming up, not today, but in the future about quotes.

Because I've never been like a quote person. Noah, are you a quote person? Do you like live by any quotes? I have personal mantras that I repeat in my head, like especially when I get angry. Because I've never been like a quote person. Noah, are you a quote person? Do you like live by any quotes? I have personal mantras that I repeat in my head, like especially when I get angry. But it's not, I'm not a quote person either. What do you say when you get angry? It depends on the situation.

Okay, you're feeling like your fiance doesn't love you and like, oh, you can't, I can't live like this. I can't, I need to leave him. That kind of like irrational thought where it's like, this behavior will not,

I will not stand for it. It's not going to change. I need to leave. Yeah. That would be, that would be everyone is responsible for their own happiness. Wow. So it goes back to you.

Like always, it's not him what are you doing yeah to everyone who's in a bad relationship not that no this is not off of what you're saying yours is a good relationship but like anyone who's like and he does this she's this why are you putting up with it what like just what's your side of things it's hard to do though it's a good one the one that i loved from billy holiday was yeah i i well hold on i took a picture of it because i wrote it in a notebook and then i shared it with andrew because i was like this is it dude this is the fucking this is like life um this is like what how i want to live my life and I kind of have been recently I really like my whole life I've just wanted to be someone else copying other people just trying to morph into whatever version of a girl a guy would love or like a comedy central once this kind of person

oh I should be like Amy Schumer oh I should be like Sarah Silverman oh I should be like Taylor Swift like I just want I don't want to be me. I want that person's legs. I want that person's eyes. I want that person's hair. It's like, just so this quote I like told on, let me find it. Fuck guys. I swear to God, this is going to help us all so much. If I can just locate it. Okay, here we go. If I'm going to say this is Billie Holiday holiday if i'm going to sing like someone else then i don't need to sing at all oh first of all i love that billy holiday said that because billy holiday has a weird voice right like i'm sure billy holiday at points in her life was like god i wish i could sing opera and maybe she could i don't know the range of her voice but she

sang like this you know like her voice was weird it It wasn't like... Iconic. Iconic, but her voice was not a quote-unquote standard. I'm sure she wishes that she could have sang arias and broken glasses with her falsetto or whatever. I don't know. There's singers like Beyonce

who by all standards is the perfect singer or Ariana Grande who can hit these insane notes. And then there's singers like Beyonce who like by all standards is like the perfect singer or Ariana Grande who can hit these insane notes. And then there's people like, um, like even Anya Marina, who does my theme song. She like, she has an amazing voice and can do so much with her voice, but she was always trying to be something else with her voice. And one day she was in the car and she just realized that her voice is what it is. And then she stopped trying to be something else. And then that's when she hit. So, I mean, obviously I've gotten to that point where I'm not just realized that her voice is what it is and then she stopped trying to be something else and then that's when she hit so I mean obviously I've gotten to that point where I'm not trying to be

someone else on stage as much but I think in my own personal life like I don't I'm not a bad person so the things I like and the things I'm drawn to and things I don't like I don't need to apologize for them anymore I don't need to hide them anymore. And I, and if I'm not as funny as someone else, then fine. It's okay. If someone goes, wow, you know what? This female comics funnier than you. And they come in and under the thing. Oh my God. Female comics suck. Nikki Glaser is the worst. All she talks about is her vagina. I know that I'm not talking about my vagina because it's an easy topic. And because I want to get easy laughs. I've never done anything in my because it's an easy topic and because I want to get easy laughs I've never done anything in my life. That is the easy route literally ever

I've never fucking taken a shortcut because I don't feel like I deserve them because I feel fundamentally not good enough So I always have to try harder to prove to everyone that i'm actually I don't take shortcuts. So like why do I constantly go through life? Like I am If this helps anyone else, I hope it does. It's certainly helping me to talk my way through it. So I'm going to be on Conan tonight. I hope you DVR it. Watch it on YouTube tomorrow. It's going to be hilarious. I'm going to be very myself in the moment. And I'm going to try to like celebrate the fact that I've arrived at a point in my life where I am a regular guest on Conan. Anyway, DVR it. Also, please check out the documentary Hysterical.

It's so good. I finished it yesterday. Made me cry. It's so good, you guys. I'm so lucky to be in it. Hysterical. It's on Hulu. You really will enjoy it. If you like this podcast, you're going to love the documentary. It gave me just a whole new view on female comics. And my hair and makeup people and my wardrobe people were listening to me watch it they just heard it and they were like wait what is this we need to like follow up that's how good it was just like you know the audio version so um please check it out and uh it's on fx too also it's premiered on f. It's now on Hulu. Hysterical. H-Y-S-T-E-R-I-C-A-L. And then Conan tonight, Tuesday. And coming right up, we've got Andrew Collin with some headlines. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges

and opportunities. I'm Joel. Ooh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early. Well, How To Money will help you to change your relationship with money

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is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built,

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I like to isolate each instrument. The rhythmic bass, the harmonies on the piano, the sticky melody. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Careful, babe. There's someone crossing the street. Sorry, I didn't see him there. If you feel different, you drive different. Don't drive high. There's someone crossing the street. Sorry, I didn't see him there. If you feel different, you drive different. Don't drive high. It's dangerous and illegal everywhere.

A message from NHTSA and the Ad Council. Hey, Andrew. Hello. Welcome to the show. Good to be here. Let's be honest with everyone listening. No, don't, don't, don't. Listen, you're being fake right now because we just said that we were going to be here. Let's be honest with everyone listening. Guys. No, don't, don't, don't.

Listen, you're being fake right now because we just said that we were going to be honest. So we keep it. We keep it. Do people still say keep it 100? Yeah, I mean, vibes. Well, first of all, how'd you sleep last night? And then we'll tell everyone what we need to tell them. I slept good last night. I mean, I got

all six hours. You know? Six hours? I think it's supposed to be eight. Noah, I got all six hours, you know? Six hours? I think it's supposed to be eight. Noah, eight, right? No, I know. Between six to eight, depending. Six is fine, but if you're doing sixes, you've got to get in an eight to ten at some point.

And we all know that you can't catch up on sleep, but can you not? Anyway, so you slept okay? I slept okay. I've been listening to uh blinkist before i go to bed uh sapiens uh blinkist by the way if you don't know and just join the pod it's an app where you can download it and you buy a subscription and it takes non-fiction and fiction books i think as well and it shortens them for you but mostly non-fiction um to way easier to digest uh books because the the whole idea behind blinkus is not that you're getting a cliff notes version that's like less impactful you're actually like wringing

out the towel of a non-fiction book which is padded with all this bullshit because you can't sell a book unless it is thick enough and the information these people have to give you is usually like a pamphlet's worth. And so it just makes it a pamphlet and you can read these books and, or listen to them. I read them. One could. One could do that. But you know, if you do get the zap, you don't have to do it like everyone else. You can do it like Andrew. Yeah. So what I do is I try to break it up in two minutes. So every two minutes I, you know, I, I, I dive in for around a minute and a half, I start to lose attention. But sapiens,

you learn about the evolution of man and woman. And what I learned, I'm still figuring out because I'm at minute 45 right now. You're at, where did you say? Neanderthal? Yeah, I just found out Neanderthals

are different than the other thing. Well, I read the actual sapiens, but I only read like two chapters of it. So you know it's probably one of my favorite books because I usually just go, I get this. And then I just stop reading it because I'm like, it's so good that I want to like live this book. So I've been trying to find a caveman to date. Someone, an actor from the Geico commercials. No, I already know that the name was answered and so did noah because we've already talked about this today because guys to

be honest with you we already recorded a whole tuesday episode podcast about four or five five hours ago and it was so fun the first part you just heard was from the original but we lost the audio on my audio from the one we did and we we're going to try to like give you some of the stuff that we gave you in that one. But I'm honestly happy that we lost it because I have a feeling something's going to happen on this episode that we are going to be like, thank God we lost it. And that's how I'm framing this. Why do I feel like it's me having a heart attack? I know you get really sick.

The irony is in the first episode that we taped today, there was a moment where we thought we lost the audio and Andrew got so sad. He literally like put his head down and like Noah saw his like whole energy shift, right? Noah, you saw him get intense eyebrows. I'm watching you guys through zoom and he leaned over to the computer and his whole face took over the zoom and his eyebrows peaked and his face got pale yeah he got like uh he looked like he had just uh seen a ghost and i was trying to think of a joke about how a podcast could be a ghost but it wasn't a ghost it was you the wrong window for the quick time i mean look i was just i was yes i looked at the wrong window for the quick time. I mean, look, I was just, I was, yes, I looked at the wrong window and I just thought we

had a great podcast. We're going to do it again though. Right now, these next 40 minutes, I mean the best 40 minutes of our lives for the next 40 years of our lives. We're going to be the best. We're going to do the best we can. We have to keep doing this podcast for several, at least we have a couple of years that we got to do it for sure, but I'm hoping to do this the rest of our lives so please do not we this can't be the best of our

lives this is the best after this stop listening we're gonna do it now well then we're gonna i'm gonna have to die soon because i want to go out on top well i want to know well you never are on top so it's probably not gonna happen all right well guess what i will i'm gonna go out on bottom going choke me on the on the way here today by the way i did do conan already i was supposed to do it later in the day his show yeah tell him what you did okay well i was just hold on i'm excited andrew watched my whole conan appearance so we had to drive conan laughed at me everyone yeah conan laughed at andrew i'll get to that too what yeah he did conan got a good look and I was trying to change the zoom audio so that Conan,

like, cause I could hear through the headphones and I wanted Andrew to hear Conan laughing at him, but he, you saw it. He laughed really hard. He like clapped and leaned forward. It was such a good Conan laugh, but I'll tell him what you did in a second. Um, we, for all of you who are listening to the show regularly, you you know that we're on location the cayman islands i'm filming a show we're staying in a place that is about 30 minutes from where we shoot most of the stuff and where this amazing green room i have is we're in this amazing 11 i think this house is 11 million dollars beautiful house that makes me feel like i need to marry one of andrew's brothers only one one? My stepbrother, Jake the snake.

Oh yeah. That's the one. Jake's probably going to stumble upon some oil or something. He's going to strike it rich. There's a strong chance. Jake the snake marries a possum down there in Florida. Yeah. You never know what Jake the snake.

But I, I am here at this place. Cause our wifi was so shitty at our place that we had to come here and I got my hair and makeup done. And then I employed my new, but like girls on the show that are my friends, we're going to show Jen and Robin. We had them like set design and make it look like I have like a nice bedroom. When Conan got on the zoom, he was like, is this your house? And I was like, no. And I was like, this is, there is a guitar behind me. It's not my guitar, but I said, I am playing guitar. So I feel like it's okay for me to have it because that is who I am now and then I got to ask Conan about the guitar I mean it was

very cool this is all pre-interview but during the interview that was really funny and I'm glad I get to talk about it now when I'm really excited about it as opposed to tomorrow morning when I'm you know maybe not as so this is the benefit of it you get a fresh Conan recap um the best show ever no best show we're ever gonna do yep yeah that's it this. The best show we're ever going to do. That's it. This is the best show we're ever going to do. But it was just like, I always get nervous for Conan. I said that at the beginning. He is an intense person. He's so

smart. I want to make him laugh. I also want to make him, I just want him to like me. But he was talking about Noah. We were talking about what I'm looking for in a man and how I love a sense of, we were talking about, um, you know, what I'm looking for in a man and, uh, you know, how I love a sense of like, I want, we were talking about guys being funny and complimenting celebrities. And I was like, you know, Conan, you're the funniest person alive. Like I go,

you're like the funniest person. I go not even like you are because that is how I feel. And I really do feel like I've met most people that are qualified to have that title. And he's the number one in my opinion. And it's not even really, um, subjective at this point. So I told Conan, I'm like, you're so funny. He goes, this is the thing. Beautiful girls always say you're so funny. You're so funny. You're the funniest person, but girl, beautiful women do not want to have sex with, with, with Conan O'Brien. That is no woman has ever, they don't want to hold your hand. And I go, Conan, I'm just going to calmly stop you. I think I said something like, I go, I go, I told you already how I feel about you.

That was like minutes before. I go, as someone who values you for your humor and who loves you comedically more than anyone, I just, I'm not trying to be weird, but I just want to say that the other day, my co-host Andrew asked me what might, we were doing our hall pass. I'm not even a relationship.

And we were, I was making a hall pass and it was you and, um, Dave Matthews. And I just felt like he should know that I wasn't trying to come on to him. It was like, it was done. I'm sure people are going to be like, that was disgusting. She was flirting with him. Not was not my goal. And I go, listen, I know that he said something about his wife and I go I hope or I didn't I go I know all about your wife I know how you guys met I'm I'm always looking at

pictures of her being like how can I be more like her and attract someone like it was like flattering but it's true I was just being honest and it was just so nice because I got to say something that was spontaneous that I didn't plan on sharing that way. He was my hall pass. I didn't even know when we had that whole discussion, I was like, who the fuck am I going to say? And I was like, I know it's Dave Matthews. And I go, I think Conan, to be honest, because like, I, that's what I want is someone that

successful and funny, but I bet that he is like an emotional person. I would hope he is. And then I also talked about wanting guys to be emotional, but then at the end, we wrapped it all up and we were done. And Andrew was, I go, I said something about you. I go, my friend was picking up my assistant slash. Oh yeah. Who we've had on our series show. No, it was better. Um, I love her so much. And she came in, she's his cohost on Conan needs a friend, his podcast, which is the greatest podcast. And I'm not, I'm including my own just because it's, they, they've been doing it longer. But, um, I said that, uh, we had been watching a lot of clips of Sona and him to work on our dynamic because theirs is so fun, but kind of the same roles.

And I said that, you know, Andrew said earlier to Sona before you got here that uh I said to Conan that uh you know he's standing up for himself oh no oh Sona's pregnant I go Sona's pregnant and I go actually I have my my co-host is just like my Sona I move the camera and Andrew is sticking out his stomach like he's pregnant in the background it's so funny it was so funny dude conan fucking loved it i loved the delay from when he was like oh that's her friend i'm gonna meet this guy to being like like laughing hysterically like you got conan to legit laugh in like not a just i'm being nice way which is always the best laugh and then did he laugh at anything else he said uh no he didn't so moving on no he no no no there wasn't there was no no you said my name on the didn't. So moving on. No, he... No, no, no. There was...

You said my name on the Conan O'Brien show. So it's my first late night appearance and I just want to say thanks to my mom. I want to thank some people right now, if that's cool. We actually got to get to the news. Can I just thank like three people? Wait. You can tell everyone you hope you're having a good time, but that's all you can do and we're about to

get to the news. Thanks, everybody. Do you think this will get Andrew verified on on instagram i don't know that it is i was almost going to mention that like can like make a plea but i just didn't have time and also i didn't really think that but um i know i really did i want to do it i just want to thank uh my dad he he always believed in me no matter how he. He definitely did it. Like that was not a part of your story. Your dad now believes in you and he loves this famous face, but he's not. And thank you to like my teacher, Mr. Omeron. Well, Mr. Omeron, if you're out there and still alive.

No, he died. He told him to. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm sure it wasn't connected to trying to teach you at all because that's not difficult. Let's get to the nudes. What? Did he kill himself? Yeah did he kill himself yeah he really did oh no no definitely keep it in sorry Mr. Omron I've been there I've been depressed and wanted to kill myself before so I don't judge anyone who has done it and I'm just very sad for anyone who's lost anyone to suicide there's always someone you can call there is a number you can call I don't know what it is but it's that name

of that also that song oh yeah I don't want to die today the name of that song uh is a number you can call. I don't know what it is, but it's that name of that. Also that song. Oh, yeah. I don't want to die today. The name of that song is the number to call a suicide hotline if you need it. And ask for help. Okay. So let's get to the news. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first.

Wow. I love that voiceover so much. My sister loved it. Well, are you guys ready? Shout out to my sister. Shout out to my sister. Shout out to your sister. She said, I love the part where he goes, you heard it here, you heard it here. You heard it here first.

Yeah, yeah, you heard it here first. It's fun. Lauren, straight up, coolest glazer by far with brown hair. He was Nikki's sister. You are the shit. All right. Well, the brown hair part, technically, I probably have brown hair at this point, so you weren't really.

There we go. You ready? You guys having fun out there? I hope so because it swells, baby. All right, here we go. Bad sleep habits, complicate ADHD, which me and Nikki both have actually have ADD. I was never diagnosed with ADHD because I, I was diagnosed at a young age, around 10 and I wouldn't even take the drug. I'd keep it in my front pocket, and I'd give it to girls so they would make out with me, but they never made out with me, but they would chase me around. Because you had ADD. Because I had ADD, and they would chase me around the school, and then eventually they got addicted to cocaine, and now they're all married. Did they chase you around the school?

Yeah, they would chase me around for my Ritalin. To get your Ritalin? How old? This ended up, like, this was... This was high school, right? Yeah, by high school. By, like, freshman, sophomore year, they were chasing me around for my Ritalin. He was a... Yeah, he was a coach on the cross-country team they just had

him run in front of the girls who wanted to stay skinny and they'd follow dude they only got a half mile because your boy got tired no uh ADD meds have saved my life and and like are very helpful to me but I am realizing that I it's just so interesting to read about being a woman with ADD and how it manifests itself and how I'm not like flawed because of it. It's just the way my brain is like to not be like beating myself up about being messy or being disorganized or being forgetful. Like I'm not stupid. I'm not dirty. I'm not like thoughtless. I just have a brain that has a weird thing going on and I'm trying my

fucking best. And it sounds like I can try better by getting more sleep based on the study. Well, yeah. I mean, if you have a pre bedtime routine, they'd say also bedtime routine, sleep, go only go on your bed when you're sleeping. That's not going to happen for anyone. They always say that. Keep your phone on your bed guys. When I want to get sleep, my sleep tips, and you know, this, if you listen to the show sleep mask, find one that works for you. They're so cheap. You can try it a bunch. They are on Amazon. Don't buy from Amazon. They pee in bottles, but a sleep mask, you can even use like a shirt. I used my underwear the other night. Cause I couldn't find my sleep mask. I wrapped my underwear around my head two nights in a row. Um, and it smelled great. Uh, it didn't, I had to like roll it around to

the backside cause the front was on the part, but anyway, and also a white noise machine. I don't think anyone realizes how much light and sound affect your quality of sleep. So please try to make the room as dark as possible for yourself, uh, with a sleep mask if you can't, and then make sure to use white noise. And I would recommend youtubing uh first class plane noise it's a really good one and it goes for like 10 hours and it's free i've never heard that one yeah even in real life because you've never been in first class before so when you hear it you go what is this like hey why don't you get the middle the middle seat in a road uh bathroom yeah you know what the cargo sounds like yeah the rumbling rumbling of, of new, uh, trendy

away luggage. You're the only person that pays $35 to find out how heavy the people are. They're going to sit on the side of me. Yes, I do. I pay extra. Um, I fly a disparate airlines and, uh, I, well, I fly Andrew on that and I make sure that, yeah, the people are, first of all, I'm a big advocate of sitting next to fat people on planes. I didn't say that. You said how big? Well, they don't have to be fat. They can be very muscular.

And I get it. You probably want more room on a plane. Everyone's cramped, but I will repeat myself time and time again on the show. If you are someone that you're on a plane and a fat person sits down next to you and you make any fucking noise or roll your eyes or sigh under your breath, you can unsubscribe from the show right now because you're a piece of shit. Final, final answer. But you can subscribe to my podcast. He'll still have you. Yeah, I'll still have anyone really. Also with ADD, I had a moment in like my like late twenties because I obviously wasn't succeeding in my adulthood. I was in a ton of debt.

I lost everything. I lost my car, my house, everything. And I still haven't really got it back. But I did finally meet with a therapist who gave me a book about like different jobs that are good for ADD. Like because we grew up, it was a negative. And so like, there are different jobs where like, if you have ADD or ADHD,

it's like fantastic. Like say, there are things that we are good at. Yes. We are comedians. Cause we have ADD, but if you're in the school system and you have to sit in a fucking chair for an hour and you're shaking your legs and you can't. Oh my God.

Rachel Feinstein's story on Hysterical, the documentary, is just that. She was like, I was a, how'd she describe it, Noah? She was like,

I was a, an education emergency. Like I was a code blue, like code red, code blue, code red, like everyone, all,

all hands on deck. How do we stuff knowledge in this girl's brain? Cause she cannot do it. She can't learn. She's a terrible student. And Rachel Weinstein, one of the smartest people I've ever met. And I'm not saying that, you know, just to exaggerate. It really is true. Yeah.

And I think like, I don't know. I just feel like when we try to drug kids to make them feel like they have to be like this. And exactly. I would have liked ADD meds earlier in my life, I must say. Well, down the ADD meds. As I'm biting off my fingers. Yeah. I'm biting off one of my guitar calluses.

So it doesn't count, but it also does. But look at that hanging piece. Would you get that if I were you? Oh, God. Wouldn't you want that? That's a drug, boy. Noah, look at that. I love some skin.

Look at that one on my finger right there. Like that skin looks real good, right? Okay, next story. I kind of want to go at that one on my finger right there. Like that skin looks real good, right? Okay, next story. I kind of want to go to this one. Yeah, go to a new story. Good sex doesn't have to be long sex, says a sexologist. A 2020 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that it takes 14 minutes for women in a partnership to orgasm during penetrative sex.

14 minutes for a woman to cum during penetrative sex if there's nothing else going on with clit stuff. Which included additional maneuvers and positions compared to male ejaculate, which research has noted to be an average of five to seven minutes. Five to seven. Yeah, like women are running the light constantly. That's a comic joke for their five-minute set.

We just go on and on. I think that's still, Noah, if you were having sex, penetrative sex from any position, but you weren't also accompanying that with a toy on your clitoris, which is how I like to have sex. And I can come in probably five to seven seconds. The toy. Oh yeah. The toy. Yeah. Yeah. It was, um, a toy, a train set. Um, I saw the word train and I thought it was a sexual thing, but it was actually Thomas the train engine that I shoved up my ass and it feels good.

I was trying to think of other train things, but I hate trains and like train hobbyists like kind of creep me out. So I purposely learned nothing about locomotion. You don't like that little conductor hat. It doesn't turn you on you on i mean i like that people are passionate about anything as much as they are about you know trains but i just find it to be kind of maybe a thing that maybe you're on the spectrum a little bit if you like that which isn't there's nothing wrong with that i'm on the spectrum i think um but okay the thing about slow sex it doesn't it doesn't have to be i oh no i want to say if you're having penetrative sex with no toy on your clit do you think that it would take that long like to come because i absolutely agree with that

do you 14 minutes first of all i just have to be like fully in the zone if i have any form of distraction then it's over and i think you've mentioned that last week on one of the shows but if i'm like totally into it i think 15 minutes is good like 15 to 20 usually not more than that say something that i've figured out because i've just started exploring myself sexually again and i'm realizing like i'm not trying to be horny right now and be like i'm a sex comic or whatever i really am trying to help people because of what i've discovered but something and maybe you're i want, I'm so glad you're here, Noah, because you can speak to this. Like I haven't been having sex, but I like have gotten fingered a couple of times,

you know? And I feel like that, and that's all I'm willing to like really do for myself with someone else. And that though, sometimes I'm like, I'm not going to come. It's not gonna happen. There needs to be a toy, whatever. But it's just like, you have to just slow and steady wins the race. I get so impatient with my ADD brain. And I think a lot of guys do too, where they're fingering you and you're like making moaning sounds and then they go faster. Like, and that's literally what I do when I'm aspirated. So there's nothing wrong with that. And I think that's what I want, but I think the thing to do is keep it steady and consistent. And there might be, you might even feel it first as a woman. Thank you for nodding along. No, I hope you're nodding in your car.

And if you're not, please correct me. But I just to help the men out and to help other women out, understand themselves. I think a lot of times you have a penis in you and you'll, it'll be hitting an angle and it just, it's fine, but it's not doing anything right. Give it two more minutes of that same pressure in the same place. And I really think that you could squirt from it. Like it can go from being like, this feels like literally nothing. And it's, he's hitting the wrong place. I'm not talking about it hurts. It feels like, like where you're like, this isn't the best.

Stay the course on that, that place consistently. And I think, I don't know, but it's happened to me before, and I'm not sure that this will always work, but I think if you stay the course, it will lead to amazing pleasure, which does take longer. So this isn't really off the news story of faster sex, but is this news story saying that quickies can be great? I mean, it doesn't say that, but also if you own an oil field same exact advice what do you mean stay consistent and eventually tapping the ground slow don't over don't over frack you don't want to over frack i used to compare guys fingering techniques to being like are you fracking me right now what is it i said i know it poisons our streams.

Fracking does. And mine is being, I'm going to wake up with a UTI after the aggression that's happening. From your hangman. But also when I watch finger, I watch a lot of fingering porn. So I also have this perspective, a very, like when it gets after that 10 minutes when it starts to feel really good, then you can speed it up and then you can get, then it's likeworks what happens as a guy classic cry joke when when when they go uh you

know stay there stay doing that stay doing a lot of the times that i find is a it's either a position that is like it's hard to keep the momentum going yeah or my if i'm fingering a girl a lot of times it's like my hand will be in a way where I'm cramping where like, I have to like keep going and, but I'm cramping at the same time. You need to just set up beforehand is very important. Right. But sometimes you don't know what feels good until it happens. And it's like a weird thing where you're like, no, I was shifting and now I have to hold myself in the air while I was moving this folder off my, like off the bed. And it's like, yeah, I like when you hold a folder,

it reminds me that you might be making money and like being organized. Um, off the bed it's like yeah i like when you hold a folder it reminds me that you might be making money and like being organized um but yeah it's very complex and i'm very interested and thank you noah for like confirming that a little bit but like is that interesting to you to hear that experience well yeah of course but what my point being is that like so you know we set up the uh we have a little pillow that we use yeah so just yeah you're making it sound like us when you say we it sounds like you're talking about you and nikki or us yeah like all of us me and the boys we all have a pillow that we we don't know who we is okay okay this girl that i'm yeah if you're a bestie you know that andrew is seeing a girl in st louis

they're they're talking which is just the weirdest way to say hooking up and like, yes, maybe exclusively. But we don't really know. It's not. They haven't had that talk yet. You know, they're two months into dating. Long story short, just get ahead of it before and prepare six P's. Prepare, please. Person pick and hunt that pussy don't do that no but just put a pillow there or just get ready because your hands are going to cramp if it's not just prepare beforehand and i don't think enough people do that okay well this has already been a very corny news segment we we have one more segment to go uh let's get to it. Why do I care? This is our celebrity news segment. Trying to squeeze some

meaning out of these meaningless showbiz stories. Why do I care? Andrew, why do I care about what you're about to say? I don't know. I hope you do, and I hope people are still having fun. That's what I want. Okay, Gwyneth Paltrow, we all know her, the blonde actress,

sends Demi Lovato a candle smelling of her own orgasm. I do think I'm going to be friends with Gwyneth someday. Like, that's in my future. It's not, like, a goal of mine, but I'm changing my tone with people now because I could be friends with them. And I actually like Gwyneth, and I think she's probably cool as fuck. I've actually heard some stories about her that make me go, whoa, she's way cooler than I thought. Like, awesome. She lived across the street from my brother. Yeah. I would see her house. Well,

from the outside, it was kind of weird. I like how sexually open she is and this, this whole vagina candle thing. Okay. So she sent Demi Lovato a care package. Yes. And the vagina apparent, well, we don't know. Okay. It's, we don't know, but Demi Lovato, she sent her lube, sex toys and room spray. The wellness box had that. This smells like Demi's orgasm candle. This smells like Demi's orgasm candle. We don't know what it smelled like. And let me just tell you, these are all marketing ploys. Gwyneth, I love you. I actually, I don't know you. You seem like a good person. You seem cool. You did not send Demi Lovato this care package because you actually care about her.

It was so that she would post it on her Instagram story and podcasts like mine would pick it up and talk about it. And then maybe girls would go out and buy goop things. Even though I would really recommend the ordinary skincare line of serums, which is all I use. And they're literally like $8 as opposed to $80 for things. But ordinary girls don't get it on Amazon.

They might be knockoffs. But this is all to sell goop. I mean, this isn't, and then the vagina, the candle smelling like vagina, doesn't matter what it smells like. It's all just novelty. It's like penis straws, you know, like, can you believe this?

And like, can you imagine a turtle dying from a penis straw? How would you feel though if a guy was like, hey, let's put on some Barry White and let me light this pussy candle that smells like when it's pussy i would be mad that he spent so much on a candle i would be like you're not good with money but if he was like i got it as a gift or if he was so rich that didn't matter i'd be like oh my god i've always wanted to smell this i would be kind

of flattered well my last girlfriend i held it under her ass while i would eat her out just yeah she was cool with it, though. The burns, though, were severe. Yeah, the smoke got me bad. Her singed butthole hair from the candle that also burnt her. Oh, there was goop all right. Check out the podcast Poog, which is goop spelled backwards, and it's Kate Berlant and Jacqueline Novak's podcast.

This isn't an ad, but it's like they are on Big Money Players, which is our same podcast network. And their podcast is phenomenal. And they're both the funniest, two of the funniest women ever. So add it to your roster, Poog, P-O-O-G. And they make fun of like all the self-care stuff. Okay. Why do I care about that? Because it just makes me more aware that everything celebrities do is marketing. I love that you gave a promotion. Well, I gave a promotion to two girls who are my friends and who are good people. I would never do that just because they are on the same podcast network, but that didn't have anything to do with it. Yes, it kind of did. They better promote ours. But if those girls were not nice girls that I like, I wouldn't have said anything. But yes, I maybe said it quicker because they're with Big Money Players. But if those girls were not nice girls that I like, I wouldn't have said anything, but yes, I maybe said it quicker because they're with big money players, but I'm just proud to be in a podcast network that has the best podcast.

So check out all the big money players podcast, because we're on a very short list of great podcasts that will Farrell approved himself. And let's get to it. It's time for our tried and true segment. You've heard it before. It's time for our tried and true segment. You've heard it before. It's time for top two, bottom two. This is where we take a category and we go around the horn.

Noah, me and Andrew all list our top two things of this category and top and bottom two things of this category. We'll start with the bottoms. And the category this week is Noah. Times you've gone out of your comfort zone. Top two, bottom two times you've gone out of your comfort zone. Noah,, bottom two times you've gone out of your comfort zone. Noah, let's start with you. What's one of your bottom times?

Okay. Bottom time is. Why don't we just do one? I'm changing top two, bottom two to top one, bottom one. Okay. I'm doing it on the show right now live. That's how producing works. You can take it out later, but I want people people to hear my process we don't need to if you want to add an extra that's fine but not required it's

all this is also based on the fact that i don't have mine figured out yet also i love top one bottom one it's so no one ever just goes what's your number one top one bottom one yeah i mean it's worst in least but top top one bottom one was a funny thing to say so no top bottom one of uh the thing way more pressure times you went out of your comfort zone okay a time that i went out of my comfort zone that was a bottom was when i uh was trying snowboarding and i was um i tried like a more advanced trail, a blue trail. So once I got off the lift, I felt so scared and I just started crying. And then my eyes froze shut and it was just terrible. Oh my God. I remember when you went snowboarding.

This is since I've known you? No, no, no. This was when I was much younger. Like that first time to graduate from a green to a blue, if you're a skier, is a very scary time. You know that 12 falls. That's what I nicknamed him when we went on a very scary time you know that 12 falls that's what i nicknamed him when we went on a ski trip together and he fell 12 times in one day i mean

just an absurd number and that speaks to your like fortitude yeah and um it's all the same run but it was it literally was one run he fell like 12 times how did you get down though did you have to get a uh ski thing a guy instructor? I really, I really wanted them to use one of those like snowmobile things to take me down, but I just had to go through it. And I just went down really slowly. On your butt,

like scooted down. Um, just like went a little bit, fell on purpose, got up, went a little bit. And then you fall and you go, I'm tired.

And then you like kind of wipe your tears and then you get, and they freeze and then you get up again. Yeah. Awful. That happened to me. Same exact thing happened to me. And I was, I'm tired. And then you like kind of wipe your tears and then you get, and they freeze and then you get up again. It was awful. That happened to me. Same exact thing happened to me. And I was, I went, I tried to go down a black and I got, I got like a quarter way and I got too scared.

And so I took a thing called, it's a 10, but I didn't know that 10 meant 10 kilometers. And it wasn't even like, it was just windy. Yeah. It's a 10 kilometer. It took me like four hours, like so long. And where my friends thought I was like dead on the mountain and they were

happy because they wanted to go hella skiing the next day. And they're hoping I was hurt so they could fucking enjoy their time without worrying about it. I bet now you would go on, it's a 10 and you would actually just enjoy it. Like, as opposed to being like, Oh,

I hate this. Like I bet now you could actually enjoy something that wasn't hard that just took a little bit longer. I think that's how you've improved. 100%, but it was also, I was fighting daylight. Oh, yeah, I hate fighting daylight. What about you, Andrew? What's your bottom one?

My worst, I mean, we all know this one, but when I stepped out of my comfort zone to have an orgy, and it was- We don't all know this one. And I forget the details of this one all the time. I literally couldn't tell you too many stories like this. All right. So me and my buddy, Kelly, a boy named Kelly, we were 24 of these three girls that were

20 that were also best friends. These girls were best friends with one of my best friends growing up. So I knew these girls when they were like 10, Kelly did not. So in my head, even though they were 20, they still felt like they they were young like it didn't feel comfortable for me yes whatever so we end up in the bedroom together and uh Kelly has one sitting on him and one riding his face and I'm realizing that I can't get hard because I'm too nervous and I'm too scared and I feel too like I don't know just weirded out and I look too scared and I feel too like I don't know just weirded out and I look down and all I see is like Kelly's zombies like Bob Dole like I don't even

see him that's such an old reference and he's like smiling ear to ear and he's like having the time like this is your dream as a man to have three girls with your best friend just having sex and I go down on the girl I got nothing she blows me I got nothing you got nothing I got no blood flowing oh oh gotcha gotcha and I'm freaking like wanting to cry I can't believe I'm not stepping it up meanwhile Kelly's did you struggle with erections before this or was it just like the anxiety in this situation I was never great with it because I was drinking a lot oh yeah and you were drunk at this time too I had like three beers okay gotcha and I was also in my dad's house in my little brother's room looking at a Dale Earnhardt poster, which you would think would get me harder.

Yeah. Was he dead yet? No, he didn't hit the wall yet. I hit the wall. You did. No, I actually didn't hit the walls. So anyways, so I'm freaking out and I'm walking by. A hot dog in a cave. In a hallway.

Wait, what did they say? Smaller hot dog. Anyways, so thank you. I'll get a cave in a hallway. Wait, what did they say? Smaller. Anyways. So, so thank you. Uh, no, so I'm walking out and the girl that I'm making out with jumped on Kelly's hand.

So Kelly has one, like a teapot. And so Kelly has a teapot, one on him and one on his face. And they're all going, Oh my God, you're stud. Oh my God,

Kelly. In your head. They are. Yeah, no, they're literally saying, Oh my God, I went a little high. I i i um don't get you got too close to the sun you hit the wall

you're hard-hearted you're sunny bono i mean the clock is winding andrew sunny bono we gotta we gotta go this is a limited segment so i end up getting in the bathroom and i'm freaking on the shitter and i'm yelling at myself to come on step it up get hard get out there and fucking get up get after it yeah you're talking to yourself in the mirror and i'm and i'm jerking off and finally it happened i came in the bathroom while the girls were i wasn't even hard dude I don't know how the cum came out. I swear to God. Did you go, oh, no. Nikki. Nikki.

Why would you? I just looked down and I swear to God, I wasn't, I wasn't hurt. I don't even know how it came out. It was like the 10th wonder of the world. Okay. Well, I want to spend more time on this, but we got to move on. I. What about your bottom, Nikki?

My bottom, just coming to, like, it's the easiest thing ever. It was when I did American Ninja Warrior Celebrity Edition. They called me last minute to like it's the easiest thing ever it was when I did uh American Ninja Warrior celebrity edition they called me last minute to do it I was filling in for like Monique or something like I don't know someone dropped out and so they were like do you want to do this and I said you know what yeah like I want to take chances I um and I got partnered with this girl Jessie Graff who's amazing and honestly it's not a regret because it uh was such a like I look back on it it's a good story but i don't even think it was worth the story and i think that if i could do it again i would not do it because it was it made me feel really unathletic natalie morales was on

it from the today show she was at and so was um the girl from american beauty uh mina subari and they were playing like they were like we hate this this sucks it's not easy for us girls because we it was just the worst but then they did amazingly everyone i did the worst out of everyone how far did you get on the court i did like three sections but i fell on the third one but the third one was like this really high like rope like you got to jump for this or you you do a zip line and then you have to, and then I fell off the zip line, whatever. It doesn't matter.

I was not in good shape for it. I didn't have any time to plan. It was two days. I went and did like a filmed practice with my coach, Jesse graph, who looks exactly like me. It's definitely a, not me, but the thing that I regret the most about it was not only that I did so badly, but I got really injured. I still have a scar.

I have scars from it. That circle right there. That was turf burn. I got turf burn so badly that they didn't, my wounds didn't heal for about a year. I had actual, you know, something degree burns from scraping my knees. And at one point I ran across these blocks that were like a kebab and had these blocks on them and you run across and they spin. And I had already fallen in the water at that point, but it was for charity. So they kept, they let you keep going. And so I was sopping wet, had fallen in and my shoes were sopping wet and I go, can I take my

shoes off? And they just were like, sure. Like, this is so dangerous to be on this thing without your shoes. And then I broke my toe on that. Didn't realize it until later. So I was extremely injured and extremely embarrassed. And I think they aired like 20 seconds of my thing. And I did meet Derek Huff and he was very nice to me. I met Nick Swisher from the Yankees who I thought was a crew member as he was comforting. I was sobbing on the sidelines at practice because I couldn't get past the first jump and then they modified it so that I could, but at practice I was sobbing and Nick Swisher came over to me from the Yankees and was like, so nice to me. And I was like, I'm like I'm like feeling this crew guy like what's his deal and then my my boyfriend who we weren't even dating at the time but my he we were like kind of fooling around he came to set and was like

I he was like that's so cool Nick Swisher's so nice to you and I was like who is that he was like that's a Yankee I was like oh I thought it was a guy I could like get and he has like a lovely wife so Nick Swisher was amazing and Jeff Dye was also there um and that was my biggest regret because I I did the thing that I do in my career which is like everything in me wants to say no but I'm gonna say yes because I bet I'll be rewarding and this time it actually wasn't Noah what is your number one um out of your comfort zone moment uh number one has to be the morning that I took my first Brazilian jiu-jitsu class, not athletic. What led you to those doors?

I was just getting into wrestling a lot and someone had recommended it. I was also starting antidepressants for like, I think they'd already kicked in. So it was like a month and a half, just like feeling really brave and curious. And I would have never done it if I was not on antidepressants, but it was the best thing I ever did for myself going out of my comfort zone. I love hearing that. It really reminds me of how every woman in Hysterical,

that documentary on Hulu right now, talked about doing stand-up for the first time. And that's how I felt when I did stand-up for the first time. It was just like, so glad I took this chance. And it paid off instantly. Like you got like a heroin hit and then you're chasing that feeling forever. Were you just like walking on clouds when you left? Like I found the thing that I love so much.

Yeah. What was it? What was the moment where you were like, this is it? Did you punch someone? Did you get to kick? Did you use the bathroom? There's no punching or kicking in jujitsu. It's just like using the leverage of my body

and being like, wow, I'm, I'm strong. I have, I can be more self-aware and aware of my surroundings at the same time in a situation. One class did that for you taught you like what one class. Wow. I got to do it. I really do. And anyone who ever does jujitsu or, um, pretty much jujitsu is the one that I've never heard someone go. It's not say it's changed their life. Literally no one. Well, what's amazing about jujitsu is like a smaller guy can beat the shit out of a much stronger man. So women can really like feel their strongest self in it. That's so cool. And I bet a lot of listeners are going to try it now because of that description, including myself. Andrew, what's your top

out of comfort moment? I got two. It's so hard, but I'll make it quick because you spent most of our time on the last one. Yeah. And then you went pretty long too. And then, um, so I'm the host. Yeah. We're both hosts. Co-host sidekick. You're the main host. Co-host sidekick.

I'll host kick you. Okay. Essentially, I'll just tell this one then I was in Budapest Which is Budapest but you say it When you backpack I backpack Yeah you say it in a way that Makes me think you're really worldly

Yeah so I went to Amsterdam, Munich, Prague Budapest, Greek Islands And Roman Milan in a month No I didn't go to Barcelona so anyway so we were hanging out there and me and my brother were trying to figure out like an activity to do we were very hungover and we met these australians australians love to fucking travel and these guys just were and a couple girls were like yeah we're gonna go cave uh diving or whatever like climbing through caves and we're like to go cave diving or whatever, like climbing through caves. And we're like, yeah, whatever, dude, we'll do it.

Like we had no idea what we were. So maybe it wasn't even out of your comfort zone because it seems like your comfort zone is just saying yes to things anyway. No, this is, it was, next thing you know, we're climbing down a ladder 50 feet underground. And it like, it's like. Because you backed out though. It sounds like you set yourself up where you couldn't back out. I feel like you're down in the hill. I guess it's still going out of your comfort zone.

Next thing you know, you're we're in the cave and you can't get through the, you have to carve your body. It's become rewarding. Huh? When did you say that? Because it became rewarding because I got, I finally was down there.

We were bonding with these random strangers. I stepped out of my comfort zone. You stayed in touch with all of them. I was kidding. No. Yeah, no, I know Hank down there. We were bonding with these random strangers. I stepped out of my comfort zone. You stayed in touch with all of them. I was kidding. I know Hank and Jessica. There was a moment down in the cave. Shrimp on the Barbie. He's like Australian things. Batwards toilet swirl.

I want to do the hardest thing possible down here. The guy took me and I had to swing my leg over a 25 foot like ravine and if i slipped i seriously i would have like really really hurt myself and i had to fucking walk on the wall like a like like chopsticks like and i fucking figured it out and i walked 20 feet that way and i got out finally it was three and a half hours we were underground and we're covered in dirt and we're all hugging and drinking beers and it just made me realize to never do anything like that again i mean that that is a once that worked out for you but you you could have died and this podcast would be so much better

my number one um is uh dancing with the stars and i know that these are both shitty answers of like tv shows but dancing with stars i, I was hesitant to say yes to, because, um, of my experience on American Ninja Warrior, which filled me with the same dread of like, I'm not athletic. I'm bad at this thing. I only like doing things I'm good at dancing. As you know, is my number one greatest fear and being coordinated and having no rhythm, all these things I believed about myself that turned out were true. So it is true that I, but you can learn these things is what I learned. And I think doing Dancing with the Stars introduced me to my love of being involved with reality TV. It taught me about really working

past that feeling of like, I can't, and I won't, and I want to quit and like not having a choice. Like when I, when that voice comes up for me, I just give up because I'm my own boss. But when a hot Russian man is yelling at you and you have to dance on live TV, it like teaches you so much. I got amazing stories from it. And I also think it led me to believe that these stories I had told myself about myself, about being bad at dancing, not having good rhythm, all these things that yes, I am not naturally good at those things, but like, like people who are dyslexic, who go on to be or have AD who have learning disabilities, where they start on a, not even playing field with everyone else. It makes you work harder. If you work hard enough, you can get good, great at

things. Even if you come in at like naturally bad at them. And for me, I was naturally bad at dancing. And it showed me that where I was even able to get to in just the one episode I was on, I was, I can't, I would have never guessed I could be that good, even though it wasn't that good. And now I'm playing guitar because I learned that I do have rhythm and that if I want to be good at guitar, I just got to put in hours and not get myself voted off my own show called Guitar Idol. Yeah. Would you go on Guitar with the Stars? I am looking to become a singer, songwriter, recording artist. And I know that sounds crazy.

And I know everyone's like, no one wants that, Nikki. It's like Michael Jordan playing- Baseball. Playing pickleball. Like even, like no one wants this. No one even knows what that would look like. And I don't mean to compare myself to Jordan by any means, but I'm just saying like,

it's obnoxious when artists try to do other things. Final thought. I had a realization last night as I was sitting on the hammock outside, listening to Taylor Swift, staring up at the stars. And I realized that, um, I, comedy is the most, uh, un-nuanced. There seems to be nuance in comedy, but it's the most, uh, un-nuanced there, there seems to be nuance in comedy, but it's the most, um, unobtruse form of art. It's just like, this is what I'm thinking. It's coming from me. I'm not doing it through a character through fiction. It's, it's as, as, as it's like an autobiography

on stage, but it's almost more vulnerable because it's off the top of your head. So you almost have a chance of not being able to self edit and say things that are even more like superfluous. Like I'm over talked a ton on this podcast already and would have edited things out in a final presentation. So I think standup is the most just like no bullshit. This is what I'm feeling. There's like, you're wrapping it up around comedy, but it is very honest. Whereas music for me to write a song is seemingly impossible or poetry because it's too obtuse. Like it, I can't capture my feelings by being so vague and poetic. I need to be specific. And if anyone has any songwriting tips out there or like ways to access your feelings through poetry and not feel like so stupid doing it.

Like if anyone started writing poetry and always felt really dumb doing it, and then you got to a place where you're like, actually, I can do it now. Will you tell me how you did that? I think you could be it. I mean, and I'm not just, I know I could know you, you could be today an amazing songwriter. Yeah, I know. Specifics are fantastic in songs. No, I don't. Lyrics are poetry. songwriter yeah i know you specifics are fantastic in songs no i don't yes no i mean like music lyrics or poetry wouldn't say i love taylor swift because there are specifics here and there but it really is about you know i was in the on the last podcast reporting reporting i was talking

about my favorite lyric that i told you about a couple times because andrew and i sometimes get wrapped up in whatever uh we're obsessed with let's say it's a person that we have a crush on or something. And you're like waiting for that person to reach out to you. And you like, you put your life on hold because this thing might happen. And then it doesn't happen. You hate them so much more than if you just moved on with your life. So there's this lyric in the song August by Taylor Swift that I love. And she's talking about this girl who like is dating a guy that is like cheating on his girlfriend with her. And she's like, he like, she has to wait by the phone. And the lyric is I canceled my plans just in case you call back when I was living for the hope of it all for the hope of it all meet me behind the mall. Meet me behind the mall is,

is very specific, but that has so much meaning. you picture like this person's being hidden this person is has to be behind them all why not in the mall this person is a secret this person doesn't feel seen there's so much poetic poetry going on in there and then the i've canceled my plans just in case you call how many times in our lives have we said no to something because we're wanting we hope for this other thing to happen. It happens all the time. I mean, we were talking about it out. Well, now that you have a cell phone, but when we had landlines, we would, I would be out at a bar with my friends and not be present at all.

Cause I'm just thinking about the phone. I'd run home around 11, check my messages. I'd have one message and I'd go at 3.45 p.m. And we all know at 3.45 p.m. Ain't no you up. It ain't freaking some hot ass. It's that you are ready to go to the dentist again. Yeah, it's my creditor saying

you owe money because you didn't pay your Verizon bill. Well, I'm just saying that that lyric in general, in terms of like writing lyrics, I would be a good lyricist because I like words. But but for me that song would be and I cancel my plans just in case Katie Rau called because I'm trying to be popular with the girls and my friends are not as cool as them and

I want to smoke cigarettes with the cool girls so I'm in eighth grade and I go to Michael's with my mom and we come home from Michael's and then my friend Kirsten calls me and I think it's Katie Rau and then I pick up the phone but it's not Katie Rau it's Kirsten and I say I gotta go because I'm not sure if our call waiting is working and she might get a busy tone so then I hang up the phone on my friend with phone with my friend who I really should be hanging out with because that's a real friendship then I wait around the phone for Katie Rau to call and then Katie Rau never even calls and then you are never in the popular group and then someday Kirsten will become more popular than you and it's because she didn't cancel her plans

just in case to call. And she lived her life and it's attractive to people when you're being your authentic self and you're not waiting by the phone for someone to call. Call. August. That's August by Nikki Blazer. Okay, guys, thank you so much for listening to the show.

Sorry, my ADD meds were kicking on as soon as we were recording and it was a lot, but we'll see you tomorrow. Noah, I love you. Andrew, I love you. Besties, we were recording. And it was a lot, but we'll see you tomorrow. Noah, I love you. Andrew, I love you. Besties, we love you. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer.

If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How

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