The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #105 This Is Video Mode...

Episode Date: September 21, 2021

Between you and Nikki, she wants you to know you can never predict the future, support men who are grieving Norm MacDonald's passing and maybe comedy does have a deeper impact than she once thought. Andrew is still thinking about the half n' half aka having to cover his junk in a holding cel. Nikki remembers interviewing Andrew for his job as her dog walker and him revealing too much. They get into body odor and how to tell your partner. You Heard It Here First: Social Media companies hiding their own body image studies, day dreaming and Nikki does care about this Love is Blind contestant finding love. In the Top1 Bottom1 they tell stories about pets. In the Final Thought they talk about unconditional love. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, Thank you. Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections.

Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, then tune in to my podcast, Building One. I speak with some of the best product builders out there. I've always been inspired by frustration. It came back to my own personal pinpoint.

So we had to go out to farmers and convince them. Following that curiosity is a superpower. You have to be obsessed with the human condition. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist,

and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From Novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Happy holidays from me, Michael Rappaport,

and my gift to you is a free subscription to the I Am Rappaport Stereo Podcast, where I discuss entertainment, sports, politics, and anything and everything that catches my attention. I am here to call it as I see it, and there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these days. Listen to the I Am Rap Report Stereo Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcasts.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the Nikki Glaser Podcast. I'm Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the Nikki Glaser Podcast. I'm Nikki Glaser. I'm here in St. Louis, Missouri in my home podcasting studio.

My dream came true. You know, sometimes you put it out there in the world and you say, I want to live in an apartment and walk in the next room and have that be my studio. And sometimes you get a global pandemic that makes your dreams come true. I don't know. I really, when I first thought of like having a studio in my own apartment, like I was like, Andrew and I will just get a three bedroom and one of them will be a studio. I really didn't like think it would happen to be honest with you.

Like I thought that is a little bit of lofty of a dream. Not that that's like not achievable in many – like it's just not that – it's not dreaming. That's not shooting for the moon and landing among the stars. I mean I just thought I wouldn't get it together enough to do it because most most things in my life, I don't get together the things that I say that I want or that I'm gonna it's some it's it life never goes exactly how it's planned. I was saying this to someone yesterday. I've never predicted right about anything. You know, whenever you go, oh, you're worrying about something. And you're like, it's gonna this is gonna happen. And then they're gonna I've never been right. Ever. Like, it's going to, this is going to happen. And then they're going to, I've never been right.

Ever. Like, I mean, I've maybe been in the ballpark, like in the parking lot of the ballpark. But isn't that funny that we always are, you know, thinking about the future and what's going to happen and planning for the future when really I've never nailed it like even close to exactly. And I don't mean like this is going to go bad. Like, yes, sometimes I thought this is going to go bad and then it does go bad. But it always is in a way that I couldn't have like the badness wasn't the kind of badness I thought.

Why am I bringing this up? I don't know. Noah, how are you today? I'm good. Yeah. I feel like that was like a lie. Well, okay. yeah i feel like that was like a lie well okay we were supposed to start video next week and we don't lie and today's friday we're recording the show because yeah that's travel yeah so

this is our first day of video we hope we head on over to youtube on um it's videos are always going to be delayed a little bit on youtube but um so however you like to listen to this maybe you'll listen to the show and then you'll watch it or maybe you'll just wait to watch it you know like we're not doing like breaking news on this show if you want to wait a couple days and just watch it for the listen for the first time on youtube catch up on old ones now until two days later and then i i don't know what your sketch is going to be but i do want to be honest with you we don't lie on this show. Like Noah said, this is Friday.

And it's going to be airing on Monday. And then the video will be available Wednesday, we hope. That's the tentative sketch. That's the projection. And as I said, we're somewhere in the parking lot of the ballpark getting, you know, screwed on some tickets that we thought the guy is going to. Actually, I feel like scalpers and I never get screwed in person. But I do get screwed on Cra tickets that we thought the guy is gonna actually I feel like scalpers and I never get screwed in person but I do get screwed on craigslist and uh it was worth it listen to a couple episodes ago anyway um yeah it's Friday I was thinking about this and being like oh god you know when I listen to podcasts that are daily do I get like pissed when it's like not really

when they say it is because it's more fun if I'm a daily listener I'm like I want it as soon as when they're experiencing their lives listen if you want if you want to see us on the like live go on our instagrams Andrew and and I are always posting you can like follow us around live and then I go actually they're gonna get there they would have never heard about Thursday from me because by the time I get to Monday I've forgotten what happened Thursday I sometimes forget what happened on Friday and Saturday you're only getting like the recap of the day before so if you know so now you're getting a treat that you get to find out what happened on Thursday to me

which isn't a whole lot but um I uh am going to Vegas this weekend. And where I went to Vegas this weekend, let's let's treat it like it's Monday, Seattle and Oregon. And the shows were amazing. I'm manifesting it. They were the best shows of my life. I came up with an hour of new material that is all just very specific. No ums, no likes, just crushing, like very, I don't know what I'm saying right now. But actually, I like my material right now. I don't want new material. I just want to work on the stuff I already have. I want to be grateful for what I already have.

I was kind of thinking, like, what if I die in a plane crash? And then this comes out, like, Monday. I mean, that's, like, the worst thought. But guess what? I've never been right about anything then this comes out like Monday. I mean that's like the worst thought. But guess what? I've never been right about anything. So the fact that I'm thinking that it's not going to happen. But what if it did? How weird would that be?

If I'm – if you're watching this video and you're like, oh my god, we lost her. The norm death, you know, deaths like that especially in the comedy community or ones that feel close to you, um, always kind of make you think about your own mortality. I think, um, that, uh, I don't know, man, the norm, I'm, I'm like so grateful because I don't know that I would have ever gone on a deep dive of norm or downloaded his book. And I'm going to try to consume that this weekend. I don't know if I would have done those things had he not passed, Not saying like, oh my God, I'm so grateful that he died. Not saying that at all. There's just always like, and I was talking to a friend who was actually mourning Norm's loss and he didn't know Norm. He was just a huge fan, huge Norm fan as is every white male in there from the ages of 32 to 50 those men are going

to need your extra they're going to need your support this uh if you have a man in your life who's a friend of rick and morty and um what else does this do these kinds of people? Family guy? No, I don't know. Family guy. Maybe. No, I think these guys are too, they're beyond family guy at this point. But like white guys,

and I'm not doing this as like, white men need your help. I'm making a joke about like, men love Norm MacDonald. I used to say that like my ex-boyfriend, I'm gleaning this all for my ex-boyfriend, who I really trust his sense of humor is top notch. And he loved Norm MacDonald like a, he is suffering this loss in a major way. And there's something beautiful about that for me because I get to see someone I care about like actually like being really emotionally invested in someone they didn't know and I think

he's seen me in the past cry over celebrity deaths or like I remember we used to make fun of people that were like Robin Williams said I'm gutted people Williams said, I'm gutted. People would be like, I'm gutted. And we would laugh because if you're posting I'm gutted on Facebook, which is a very, like, I get it. You're very sad. What are you going to do when your mom dies? Like, I'm double gutted. Like, you got to have a bar for it. But you know what?

I actually don't subscribe to that kind of notion anymore. And I doubt he does either because I don't think he knew how much he would be affected by Norm passing. And it was really it's just sweet to see men who sometimes maybe don't feel their feelings or like feel not entitled to their feelings really upset about Norm's passing. Because you know what it is it's like you know he was saying to me my ex-boyfriend we were talking about norm and he was like you know i'm a big alton john fan bruce springsteen like i don't consume everything they do if they come out with a new album i'm kind of like i don't even like jeff tweedy you can't keep up like but he's like there's something about norm i was consuming i everything he did right away like i it was you know it's like me and Taylor Swift but like on a lesser level for sure I don't mean to like play like who's a bigger fan but no one should

be as obsessed with Taylor Swift as I am and he said that he was very touched because people reached out to him immediately when Norm died and were like are are you okay? And he felt like, even though he didn't know Norm, that he felt like it's so nice that someone connects Norm with me. Like that, you know, when you're a fan of someone, it's nice to be like, oh, if something Taylor Swift in the news and people, like when Folklore came out or Evermore dropped

out of the blue, people were like, Nikki, did you hear? Like, it feels good. Noah, do you have any celebrity or person maybe you've never met, let's say? Or maybe you've met a lot of your favorite people, but someone you don't know personally that if they passed, you would need some support getting through it. I don't know. I think I've definitely been privileged enough to meet a lot of,

uh, celebrities or musicians that I like through work. I think though, um, with what you were saying before, like when people get really upset, I was thinking about it and I think like with comedians, what I appreciate about comedy is how comedians see,

interpret, and then talk about the world. And maybe it's just like not having Norm's point of view, especially now when there's like so much pandemonium. Yes. Like that's a great loss for people who enjoy his comedy. He had a great set right at the beginning of COVID, right before things shut down.

I really implore everyone to go watch it. You can just Google Norm Macdonald COVID set. And it's just talking about you know it brings you right back to march 2020 or like you know march probably 10th 2020 and he's like well it's good to know what we're all gonna die of we just don't know what in what order and he's just talking about like just you know i'm gonna do jokes up here but just know that i'm thinking about covid the or coronavirus he called it. You know, in the early days, they were calling it coronavirus. I'm thinking about the coronavirus the entire time.

And it was just, you're right. Like, I always say that comedians aren't as special as musicians. Like, I always want to be a musician because the emotions you can elicit from a song for someone seems to be more powerful and meaningful than a comedy bit. Although we all remember comedy bits, they kind of shift the way we think about things. Songs can do that too, if they're like, the lyrics are good enough, but not as often because you don't get as many words. But I think that you're right. Like when a musician passes, you're not like, how am I? I want them to write a song about COVID or I want them to write a song about Trump. I remember, you know, so often I thought of Greg Giraldo during Trump times, you know, all the time was like what?

I mean, I thought he would probably wouldn't survive it because he would be so angry i just pictured him on the larry the cable guy roast going oh why are you so famous like just having a meltdown that was one of the best moments uh in addition to norm mcdonald's roast of bob saget which if you haven't seen as well if you're not a norm mcdonald fan what are you doing with your life i mean a go go on a Norm, you know, like, there's so many clips right now circulating, just indulge in them. Even if you're like, I know this guy from SNL, I didn't care for him then. Just give it a chance because he has so many different facets. But I think you're right, Noah, like, that makes me feel good about being a comedian because we're valuable in the present like musicians can capture

a zeitgeist and a feeling of like oh the song takes me back to the 90s or whatever but comedians need to process things for you in the moment and that's kind of like how we work like we work in the moment like that's why old material doesn't work anymore because people want to hear from us right away and we don't want to hear about old stuff we want to hear about please help us understand what's happening right now and I don't think we rely on musicians as much for that so you just opened my eyes to a value I have as a comedian that I didn't realize because I'm always like god being a comedian is just not as cool as being a musician even though musicians all want to be comics comics all want to be comics. Comics all want to be musicians. And we both all think everyone else wants to be us. No, that really makes me excited to perform this weekend.

And honestly, whenever I am inundated with a comedian standup who I probably avoid because it makes me feel bad that my own isn't as sharp or as unique or irreverent especially like norm mcdonald his brain worked in a way that like you're just like you can't you can't uh 10 000 hours that you know like he was just born funny uh it seems he's one of those guys and i always say talent is hours put in and they're definitely i hate to use word facets of his talent as a comedian that were born of practice and repetition and working hard but I think he's one of those guys that was just

born kind of funny and um I I don't mean to make this about myself but it is the Nikki Glaser podcast I don't know if I was born funny. You know, like I always try to think about like why, you know, where did it come from? And like my parents are funny. And like I was did Mayim Balik. Mayim Balik? Mayim, do you remember Blossom? Yeah. Big Bang Theory?

Mayim Balik. Mayim Bang Theory? Maim Balik? Maim Balik. Maim Balik. Balik. Sorry, she's a friend of mine. I can't say her name. I get really nervous. But I still don't know how to pronounce your last name, Noah.

And I get really tense when I think about it. I know now it's Avior, right? Yeah, you can say it anyway. I really don't care. I know, but it's like Glacier with me. I let it go if someone doesn't say it right. But my true friends, I'm like really um but my but my aim and I are not like that great of friends but we know each other and I did her podcast and we were talking she was like

where did your funny come from like when did you get it and um I always think I got it later when I was anorexic and I needed to develop a personality and I just started acting like my friends who were funny but like I always knew what was funny. Conan shaped it. SNL shaped it. My parents shaped it. My uncle TV Bob shaped it. Michael Shore, my dad's friend, shaped it.

People were funny in my life. But Kirsten was sending diary entries the other day. She used to keep a diary every single day of her life, pretty much. And so I'm all over her diary, and she has one from when we first met. And it says, oh, she just sent me another thing. I'm going to read this on the break. But she sent, oh, wait, where is it? Sorry.

Oh, here we go. Wednesday, the 18th. she doesn't know the date it says day Wednesday 18 this is like fourth grade dear diary today in the morning we read Ernie and the mile-long muffler in PE we ran for three minutes I tasted blood in my mouth and she spelled blood b-l-o-d-e which i like on recess casey said since i cut my foot i can't play soccer nikki said but you don't even play which isn't that good of a joke but it's just so funny to me that cursed in fourth grade noted that like this girl was like i remember who casey was she was someone that i like wasn't scared to like just say that kind of stuff too it's not like she was a dork or something but she wasn't I wasn't intimidated by her because I was I I never like

had an opinion in fourth grade towards anyone I just wanted to be invisible so it surprises me that I talked back to someone but she goes you know in recess I can't I can't play soccer because I cut my foot and I remember the kids who play soccer were like kind of cooler and so if you played soccer you were cool. So I guess Casey was telling us like, I'm only not playing because I cut my foot. And I go, you don't play anyway. Like I just like kind of like, and that those little nuggets to me are special because I mean, kids are always funny.

They say the darndest things. We know that from Bill Cosby and Tiffany Haddish. But not that those two are related in any other sense than that but um I I like little confirmations that I was funny early on and one other one that always sticks out to me was my aunt Lynn hated uh she was so scared of um the uh she's scared of insects in general but she hated ants so much like if there was she was so like scared of um the uh she's scared of insects in general but she hated ants so much like if there was she was so like scared of them the way people are scared of snakes and little tiny ants and i was always just like that's so like i just didn't understand it and i remember going like antlin it's so weird that you're an ant and you're scared of ants but you're an ant and i didn't know what

the word spelled like but to me it was just like that's you're an ant. And I didn't know what the word spelled like, but to me it was just like, that's, I understood irony as a kid. I didn't obviously think ants and ants were the same thing, aunts and ants, but I remember she was like, that is the funniest thing I have. My aunt talks like that. She's a little bit like me.

Oh my God. Nick, you should, did you hear what nicky just said get tell nicky just said and i remember being like like the way andrew was describing the other day about that dad commenting on his like great football pass like being like yeah oh my god like i just did something that is special i don't know what it was and then i look back and I'm like oh my god that was that was really special I was actually just um recalling babysitting for the Apatows and I remember we made I was talking about how funny um Maude and Iris both were but Iris was a little bit younger Maude was probably like seven or eight and we were making a cake but it was in the middle of summer we had nothing to like celebrate.

And I think it was probably my idea to be like, let's just, let's do a holiday we don't even know about, you know? So we were like, let's make a Kwanzaa cake. And I think we were being funny because it was like, that's a holiday that we don't know anything. It was very insensitive to people who celebrate Kwanzaa. I don't, I'm not, I would not do this today with children. I don't want to say it was I would not do this today with children. I don't want to say it was a different time,

but like I'm a different, more sensitive person. Made a Kwanzaa cake because we were like, it's the summer, there's nothing to celebrate. Let's celebrate something that we don't know how to celebrate it anyway. And I remember we were singing a Kwanzaa song, which we don't know. And so we sang happy birthday and we were like, happy Kwanzaa to you.

Happy Kwanzaa to you. And this little seven-year-old goes, Ma Maude goes we don't know what your holiday means but we're gonna celebrate it anyway and I just remember looking at her like you bitch that was funnier than anything I could have come up with the refrain to that song and I just remember being like you're gonna you're gonna surpass me in this biz someday and she i mean she did like she already had she was knocked up at that point but just when kids say things that you go you are operating on a different kind of level in terms of comedy um yeah so she was born with it or maybe it's maybe it's maybelline or judd apatow or or being on movie sets with hilarious people. Or maybe it's genetic. I don't know.

Let's get someone in here who I also think was born funny. Was he? We'll ask him. My roommate, Andrew. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and

contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help,

I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the center of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to

get trapped in it he's everywhere and has been everywhere it's so much worse and so much more widespread than i had anticipated together we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in it's not just me we're an army in comparison to him listen to the bunny trap on the iheart radio app apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control.

My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was

feeling the most lost, I found hope with community and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Did you know that companies hire the most in the first two months of the year or that nearly half of workers are worried about being left behind? I am Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's editor at large for jobs and career development. And my show, Get Hired brings you all the information you need to, well, get hired. People are forming opinions of you even before you log into the Zoom or walk into the room. And so you really have to think about what

is it I want to display? You don't plant a garden and then just walk away and expect it to thrive. You are in there pulling out the weeds. You're pruning it. You're watering it. It's the same thing with your network. You should always be in there actively managing your network. If you don't feel confident to say a number, even admitting that to a recruiter is going to be far better than saying, well, what is your budget for the role? A lot is in the follow-up, right? Don't wait to follow up. Whether you're a new grad, an established professional, or contemplating a career change, Get Hired is for you.

Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you like to listen. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride, full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition,

and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. I don't have underwear on. Hey, Andrew.

Hey, Nikki. Wait, you don't have underwear on? No, I was just fucking around. I do have underwear on. I have four layers on, dude. Don't worry about it. Dude, I watched Ted Lasso last night, the episode that you've already seen okay remember when he goes well you know fear is a lot like underwear and then she cuts him off oh no i don't remember it's okay that was an easy line to to

miss but she's he's talking to his therapist and he has all these like this if you don't watch ted lasso you don't need to know that this isn't going to take, you're not going to be left out. But he always has these, like, aphorisms, I want to say, or, like, kind of little adages. I don't know. That word is definitely not right. But, like, little sayings that are, like, you know. My favorite one on Ted Lasso was, you talking bad about yourself? It's like Woody Allen playing the clarinet. I don't want to hear it.

That's one of my favorites. But he has those little things but he's talking to his therapist and she was saying that she was scared to get back on a bicycle after she fell off it and he's like well you know what fear's a lot like fear's a lot like underwear and she goes Ted I don't want to do this right now

and then it never completes and I know they're going to pay it off at some point we're going to find out what that was but I stopped the tv and sat for about i'm not gonna exaggerate 20 minutes and tried to think what because i thought it was gonna pay off in that episode it didn't so i think they're waiting to the end of the season i i'm dying to know what fear is like underwear and it doesn't pay off in the next episode either because I watched the next one. So by the time this is out,

if you want to also guess, I was like, it's underneath, it's right below the surface and you only need it when there's an accident or you change it. You don't think about it until you need it, or it's always there, or don't use the same one twice, or smell it before you decide to.

Fear's a lot like underwear. You've got to pick it up and sniff it sometimes because you don't know if it's been used. That doesn't work for fear. Or you don't see it until it's too late. Or you don't care about it until it's been used, that doesn't work for fear. Or you don't see it until it's too late. Or you don't care about it until it's too late. Or, yeah. There's something.

Do you, you were famously, I mean, you told the story. Yeah. I'm very known for that, yeah. Well, you didn't wear underwear one time when you were arrested. Took your pants. You had to do a strip search. And they go, strip down your boxers and you in a like a holding room with 30 other men like hardened criminal men had to drop trow and everyone had boxers on except you you were free balling it

you would think there'd be at least one other guy at least i feel like everyone got together and goes look we're all gonna see his little dick all 30 of us and we're gonna laugh at him i'm like is this even jail the saddest intervention for my penis the saddest part of it is you trying to cover your penis but also like trying to look like yes you're not trying to cover it the half and half that that one hurts my soul is like you that's the one where i go oh andrew the other saddest part is i had a witness like my your friend was arrested if i was alone it wouldn't story might not have even been remembered you might have repressed it there's been so many stories where i go why do i could have kept that

in and no one would have known you know what i mean it was something i did alone i mean i bring you on stage now by telling you the story of how we like initially met yeah and within you know we had dm'd because i asked you to be my dog walker and there's a story behind all of that but i dm'd you i said meet me at bed bath and beyond and you met me downstairs and i was like already like my cart was like kind of full i was going through with luigi i wanted you to meet him and you show up like a little bit of nervous energy but i I liked, I was just like comfortable around you immediately. I was just like, I need to make this guy comfortable.

He's like, I don't know what he's going through, but I liked you immediately. I wasn't like judging you. It was eight years of not getting anything. Yeah. And you were so sweet, but then you revealed to me within seconds.

I mean, dude, seconds. We were on the street though. I think when I finally told you, I don't know if I told you in Bed Bath & Beyond or I feel, dude, seconds. We were on the street, though, I think, when I finally told you. I don't know if I told you in Bed Bath & Beyond or I feel like we were. Oh, see, in my memory, it was inside. Either way, it was within five minutes.

Next to the duvets. I was like, do you think this one or this one? And you're like, what's a duvet? And I'm like, we've got a lot of work to do. But you told me that you got an AIDS test because. I fingered a girl. As a virgin, because you fingered a girl and you bite your fingernails. And I was like, I remember being like, why would this person tell me this? test because uh as a virgin because you fingered a girl and you bite your fingernails and i

was like i remember being like why would this person tell me this but also like that's the kind of shit i do like the oversharing and um and i'm so grateful that i'm the person that this guy met in order like the the i'm i'm glad that he didn't do this to anyone else because i can handle this and maybe not a lot of people could i was like okay you've come to the right place like you might have been the one in 30 men without underwear at that time or at boxers yeah but i was the one in 30 people that would be okay with you saying that in a job interview you know i think i think i just saw it as like we were talking to another comic and i wanted to impress you i knew you were like an oversharer and you knew

that was a funny joke yeah i mean it's hilarious i mean it's it you know i it's great because you do that on stage now you tell the story and it just sets me up nicely to then you know i never told the story of why i did it but it's literally because i fingered a girl on a cruise and we were outside and the smell from her vagina overtook like it felt like i was in a small box with her but we were on this boat with 50 mile per hour winds yeah you guys were doing like the the titanic like yeah like arms spread except but just imagine jack being like what the fuck is that yeah um did you might think it was like chum or some kind of like the i thought it was red tide oh my god yeah no i so it was the smell so if you fingered her and you bit your fingernails

and it wasn't stinky you wouldn't have done that i was really like i was already very scared i was gonna say i thought you were just paranoid yeah but it didn't help the you wouldn't have done that? I was really like, I was already very scared. That's what I was going to say. I thought you were just paranoid. Yeah, but it didn't help the fact that I thought it was like. Should I say that you fingered a girl whose vagina kind of smelled? Oh, sorry. Would that add to the story? No, no, no, no. Let me say it.

It sets me up nicely to go into a little Florida stuff. The only thing I worry about is that girls are going to be so scared about the smell of their pussy now, because men are going to think they have AIDS then. The only thing I worry about is that girls are going to be so scared about the smell of their pussy now because men are going to think they have AIDS then. Oh, no, no. I didn't have AIDS, guys. Well, obviously, but like... No, no, I'm just saying out there.

If a girl's vagina smells and she's super hot and you have great chemistry, what are you going to do? Honestly. Throw her in the ocean. Come on. No, I'm going to... Don't give the right answer. Are there vaginas that don't smell?

I mean... I mean, like... Isn't it... Has it... There always a smell? They always are going to smell. And they shouldn't smell good. It'd be weird if your vagina smelled great.

I understand it smelling good after a guy has, like, fallen in love with you and, like, is into your pheromones. Like, I like the smell of a guy's pits and like body odor when when i'm in love with them but to have your vagina smell good without that you're a weird you're kind of a pervert if you like the smell of like just pussy because it's that's a that's a nook where a lot of saturation is happening and it's like there's there's dirty things down there for sure for sure and honestly i wouldn't it was a cruise like you're not gonna have a lasting relationship from a hookup on a cruise like there was nothing involved there but if it

was someone i was dating that i loved i i i'd eventually maybe have no no you don't love them yet because i feel like if you love them we've already you've already fingered them this is like first couple dates there's like uh there's just something kicking down there. And it feels like, you know, you're smart enough to know that a woman's vagina smelling a little bit like off doesn't mean HIV or like that she is going to give you a disease. Although your brain might do that for you, even though you know, cognitively, that's not true. When I'm 15 or 16, I was so ignorant.

It was literally like my first vagina I ever felt. What do you do now if it's, if it 15 or 16 i was so ignorant it was literally like my first vagina i ever felt what do you do now if it's if it smells like because i'm gonna talk like i'm just speaking from my own experience like there are times where if a guy goes down on me a new guy like does anything to me i there's a part of me that's like oh i hope it's okay today because i don't know and maybe maybe because like we talked about the other day you don't know your own smell because you get used to it that's why people stink and they don't know and you go how can this guy not fucking smell that he smells like this it's because you know we evolution we get used to sense so that we can uh smell new ones i honestly think i would give

another try and also like would you tell? The smell is new to you. Would you want to know, Noah, if your pussy sank? Like, would you want a guy to gently tell you? I don't think I could tell her. Unless it was like maybe five hookups in

and it's just like, okay, this is... But I think... Would you tell her or would you just cut it loose? I think if I really liked her, hopefully I would tell her. I really hope I'd be there.

What do you want to do? Do you want to do a role play? I go, ooh, eat that pussy steak. Okay, let's role play. So it's the fifth time you've hooked up with this girl. Yeah. And you guys have a great time together. And you see a future.

It's like the first person you've really connected with in a while. And you're like, oh, my God, this is happening. And you went down on her, say on like the second date and it wasn't great and now you're about you went down on her again and it was it's just like not there's something wrong yes like and it's not just you you've gone down enough girls to know or do you think it's you what what's what's your i don't know it's so hard because then it's like if she is aware of it and she can't do it, she's like tried to do stuff for it.

She should warn you then. If a girl has, I think if you're aware of it now. Do you have gingivitis of a vagina? Is there a vagina that like. Gingivitis. Or vaginavitis? Well, yeah. Gingivitis.

It's called BV. It's called VB. Oh. Or bacterial vaginosis. Yeah. And then, yeah, like the girl should go and get something for that. I personally would not want to be told, but I have a suggestion of how you could handle it.

What? You say, hey, let's go and do this in the shower. I've always wanted to eat a girl out in the shower or something. Oh, yeah. I've always wanted to see what it would be like to put a Listerine pocket pack strip between each of your labial folds and see what happens i want to do a science experiment i want to put an airborne in there and see what happens i want you to douche with this uh clorox um yeah what about if a guy had a smelly dick

i would say something, I think. Because, you know, guys are less of their identity, I think. And I don't speak for all men, and I certainly don't speak for any men. But I feel like less of your identity is wrapped up in cleanliness and being dainty. Being feminine is very clean. And that's how you're supposed to be. So how would you bring it up to a smelly penis? I'd say, listen, I fucking love sucking your dick, and I love your penis.

I'm obsessed. If that were the case. But I think if I wanted to make this relationship last, no matter what their penis looked like, I would already be obsessed with their penis. I like you so much. There is something going on down there, and I don't think it has anything to do with like who you are there's just something that is like not your fault that's happening down there and i think you should just go get it looked at because i'm like i just i want to suck your dick all the time and it's like preventing that

and it's i don't care i literally don't care at all like i've had a stinky pussy before like i would probably make up a scenario where like i've had the same thing happen to me and i just didn't know about it till someone told me and i know this is so awkward and i promise you it doesn't make me doesn't change the way i look at you or like how into you i am i just i'm trying to get covid right now so i can suck your dick and i don't want to do have to do that because i'm trying to lose my sense now so i can suck your dick and i don't want to do have to do that because i'm trying to lose my sense of taste and smell actively and do you want me to die of covid because i am i am licking uh you know nasal swabs at uh that i find in cvs dumpsters right now just trying to i kind of love it if the guy was just like, you're just going to have to deal with it.

I'd be like, okay, daddy. Yeah, I know, right? What would you do if he was just like, well, that's my dick. It smells. I mean, a guy would never do that. That would make me go, okay, deal breaker. However, Noah, I believe that as much as it would pain me,

I would want a guy to do the exact same way i just said that like no that was good i don't judge you at all this has happened to me before i like i've i just think that you have something going on down there and you can't even i don't think you can smell it because or i don't think you sense it because you're all the way up here but like as someone that's been down there just want to let you know like i i love your pussy i can't wait to get back in there but the way it is now there's something wrong though i learned that from ted lasso yeah his niece uh roy's niece has bad breath yeah and they're both like it can't be that bad because a boy at school is teasing her they're like i can't

oh honey it can't be that bad and they both smell it and they're like no and like gagging and the way they tell her is like it's not not your fault. Like, I love that. Like it's, because I think that so much of this stuff is like, you're dirty. You're wrong. You're bad. You did something bad. And even if you are unclean and it is your fault because you don't wash your vagina properly, that's still not your fault.

To me, at least, because something's going on in your life where you either didn't learn how to clean yourself and that's not your fault. Or maybe you don't care because you've let go of your cleanliness because you're depressed that's not your fault you're depressed like whatever reason it is i i definitely would take away the hardest part about it though is is if you do say something the next time you hook up it's on their mind the next you know it's like yeah but then you can make a joke of it and go i'm going in like you can make a joke it's still there like keep keep the conversation going don't make it be a one-time thing because if you take away the person delivering the news if you make it so casual that you like don't care at all about talking about it then the person that it's

is going to feel more comfortable about it if you're like trepidatious i feel like that's when when someone is bringing up something to me that's like hard for them to do whether it be you or any or even myself when i bring up something for someone the like hey can we talk um so i don't know what like all of that stuff makes whatever's about to come so much worse because i'm reading their body language and their way they talk. And I'm like, holy shit, this is really bad. Yeah. Because the way they're presenting it.

Whereas opposed to like, hey, there's this thing. And listen, this is like, it happens all the time. Maybe it's just me. Maybe there's something wrong with me that bugs me. But it's this thing. And there's something wrong with me that bugs me. But it's this thing. And the more casual you are about it, that's, I think, why with anal sex I've become so far into the shitting thing. And being like, you're going to get shit on. If you do anal sex, you're going to come across poop.

Let's just be casual about it. Because when it happens, I don't want it to be this thing of like, we both know what happened, but we're not going to talk about it. If we talk about it it takes away the weight and the shame and so much if you go big up top then whatever ends up happening like you you're gonna shit on them and so maybe a little shit will get on you it's like when it's like you know 40 people died now just five people died kind of thing like you're you're you're going bigger so last night they told a girl that her house burned down and they felt so that she would leave her stand

so they could sneak into the bar on this episode. And they were all like, we feel bad. Because she ran out of the bar being like, my building's burning down. And they go, no, she's going to appreciate her apartment more than she ever has now. Because it's going to like, you know, when you think you lost something,

you find your wallet and you're like, I love this wallet so much. But. So then you go your vagina and your butthole smell. And then it's just. No, it's just your vagina. Just your vagina. My friend Gabe Kia had a great joke about what he got a felony and he got arrested for dealing cocaine in college.

And obviously that was he just like, you know, he's a nice boy that just got into the wrong game and got busted almost right away. It kind of happened to someone else I know. And he got busted. And also it was the guy that turned him in that ratted on him was one of the family of the O'Reilly auto parts. And so he does this joke and he goes oh oh oh o'reilly you're a narc and so every time i drive past o'reilly auto parts i like flick it off and send a picture to gabe kia of like me being like fuck you o'reilly when really it's just like a kid like don't don't not give o'reilly business because of this but um but he said that when he

told his mom he goes mom um i have a felony charge and she was like what he was like and she goes for what dave and he goes rape and she's like oh my god and he goes just kidding mom it's cocaine and she was like oh good and so then she was like relieved it's so funny i actually it happened to me once with a death like the the one death that i've had that's been closest to me was my cousin jd who i grew up with and um my sister called me in 2014 and was like nikki and i was just like oh my god my dad's dead like a hundred percent my dad or mom died tragically like and then she was like jd is dead i was like oh thank god you know like a cousin i'm very close to compared to my parents is quite a different thing so it was like

there was a release immediately there was like okay oh good i i have gratitude for my parents it was almost like um you know when you you're upset about something make a gratitude list because it made me celebrate the things i now have that I thought I didn't. It sucks that we have to go through something that big to realize something's important. I know. I mean, Norm MacDonald, I'm like, oh, I would love to go see him. I'm really into him right now. And it's like, well, a little too late.

I did get to see him at Caroline's like four years ago. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. It was pretty incredible. Did he bomb or did he kill because a little bit of both oh really do you remember any highlights such zero fucks it's like he goes up there i mean who knew he had cancer at this time which that was another thing i was thinking about with him having cancer whether it's terminal or not it was nine years it's a

great reason to be like i don't give a fuck if i go up there and talk about um mountain dew for an hour well if it helps we're all gonna die of cancer yeah exactly i was thinking that i was thinking about this week and i go we all have a terminal illness called life yes and i was like why do i i'm opening with a bit that i been a little afraid though you know what i mean like that's why i say in our little chats before i go i kind of make it becomes a little bit sad because i go we could die tomorrow let's treat this show like if we knew we were gonna die tomorrow we wouldn't give a fuck we would just want to have as much fun as possible so let's treat this like because there's always like i want to work on this joke because i've got this thing coming up what if you don't have that thing coming up like what would this set be like

and maybe you could still work on that joke because there's fun to be had and in the process um so even if you thought you were dying tomorrow you still want to do this new joke that isn't completely worked out but like if we all did live like that it would be uh it might be pandemonium actually but he you know how gary shanley there might be a lot of coke dealings if you know what i'm saying from the last oh yeah that's a good point that's a good plan we That's a good point. We're like, we're going to die tomorrow. Me and Nikki are just dead in an alley from fucking drinking too many wine coolers again. We got to get to the news.

Oh, okay. Yeah. So he was great. But we'll interject Norm's stories throughout this, I feel. I do want to hear about your experience seeing him. All right. Let's get to the news, apparently. You heard it here first. You heard it here first oh you heard it here first this is a big

big big episode we're on youtube now hi everyone at home i hope you're having all the swells yeah that's you and you comment on my looks below yeah how does nikki's legs look i'm never gonna read these comments no matter what I just want to let everyone know I'll read them and let her know no he won't he will read the comments because he's a glutton for pain but you can say I would love to you say nice things because I feel like

I'll just feel it in the in the in the ether I won't read nice ones or bad ones I will never there's no way I will ever read these comments ever but leave them because it helps the algorithm and i'm i swear yeah definitely leave them but just know i will never read them so if you were trying to hurt me it ain't gonna happen but but andrew will read them so um and then i'll i'll try to hurt him yeah and then i'll write it and then uh on our refrigerator if you

honestly and well sorry noah i was say, just not to confuse people. This episode will be on YouTube on Wednesday. Wednesday, yes. And we'll announce everything on our Instagram. Oh, okay. But on this episode, I just want to say, comment below. If you want to comment below anything, and you probably already have at this point, because we're far into the episode, and if you hated it, you stopped watching it.

But a lot of people continue watching things when they hate it. Yeah. If you're watching, and you don't like this and you wanna comment something mean, would you say that to my face in the street? Honestly, ask yourself that. Because that should be the litmus before you comment something.

You should have to do a captcha of FaceTiming me. Because I bet you wouldn't. But maybe you're gonna write, I wouldn't say it to your face because your face looks fucking puffy and tired you dumb cunt bitch i haven't come in a while and i'm angry chads i'm gonna get killed i'm gonna get are you edging right now i love it i'm i i might be all right so first story uh instagram is wreaking havoc on young girls a study found it exact exact ah a big show fucking up exacerbates nice uh negative body image low self-esteem anxiety depression and

in extreme cases suicidal thoughts the study was commissioned by extreme cases i love that every day yeah was commissioned by facebook And then buried by its own executives Wait so Facebook and Instagram are Facebook owns Instagram Yeah Okay so it was commissioned by it And then the report was buried Because the research was probably even worse than we can imagine

I'm sure There's If a 37 year old woman who has worked on herself so much still has to mute people on Instagram so that she doesn't feel sad

and even body positive accounts trigger me where they're like girls showing their cellulite or like bigger women being like, I'm beautiful. Even those piss me off

and make me feel weirdly insecure. My cellulite isn't as dimply as hers or, you know, there's always just something if it's happening to me i can't i just i know it's the most you know pedestrian thing to say oh if you know social media were around when i was a kid

but i would have i would have killed myself yeah i i'm not joking you i wouldn't have been good for someone like me i would not have survived i don't think i would have survived myself. Yeah. I'm not joking you. It wouldn't have been good for someone like me. I would not have survived. I don't think I would have survived it. I just wonder if there's like, like let's say you had Instagram since you were, you know, not.

And I would have been wrong to do that by the way. I want to say like, I would, I, it would have been the biggest, it would have been the saddest thing because what potential I had and what bullshit that all is that, but I wasn't smart enough or my brain wasn't developed enough to see past those things so I just want to say that when

I say that I just mean like I was a kid that would have made a very dumb and final decision so yeah I mean it's tough because because of Instagram because of social media there are so many platforms and so many different influencers that could be positives for these kids what happens is they type in like they want to get into bodybuilding like this is what happens with and then instagram will take that and go all right well here's 300 accounts of the hottest women you've ever seen that might write bodybuilding caption in their thing and then they see the likes that they get. They see the followers they get and then they look at their 40 followers. They look at their cellulite and think, I don't know if it's about followers

for girls though. Huh? Like I think for teenage girls, I don't know if it's just followers. I think it's just like, oh, I wish my body would look that way. Yeah, yeah. On top of that. I'm saying... I guess it's like the girls with the best bodies have the most followers and like fame.

And like even though they don't probably think they can get a blue checkmark in the fame and the thousands and thousands of likes, they think like, you know, obviously that's what gets that kind of thing. Like the way I looked, I never thought I was going to be Jennifer Aniston when I was in middle school.

But the way that I thought, I wanted to be that famous in my own world. And so, yeah, i think you're i mean famous definitely i think involved in it though i think i think that with that people want to be famous so badly yeah it's all about going viral it's all about being big on tiktok and then their friend has big boobs so she gets a literally a million followers for having big boobs she doesn't have big boobs and then she thinks i I need breasts and plants and then baby. I was journaling today and I was like dealing with a jealousy issue that I'm having about someone in the business that is like a peer and a friend.

And I was just like – I was just journaling about my feelings about it because it just – I can't help my feelings. I'm not choosing to be jealous of this person and and I wrote okay if this person gets all the things that I'm scared they're gonna get because I don't have those things or even maybe the things that I do have that this person is also gonna get that maybe makes me feel like the things that I got are not as special because now someone else got them or they're going to be the new big man on campus and they're going to forget about me will it change what will that person get that I don't have right now like what's what am I honestly wanting and the truth is love and um maybe a lot

like a life part like a it might expose me to more people that I will have the best the richest friends the not richest meaning like I'm not like emotionally I mean financially um uh no I will have the what I will have the you know the best I will have the option to have the best of everything and I guess that's it or I will have enough I will have the option to have the best of everything. And I guess that's it. Or I will have enough. I will have more money. Do you feel like this person has love in their personal life and friends? Yeah.

So that's probably added on to the thing. It's not, though, because that's what helped get me there was like, this person, I could be jealous of them without the fame because what I really want is what they already have. And that's like a partner who loves them um financial security uh like just a just a great outlook on life just kind of uh happiness a strong sense of self and that the things that they're gonna get are not gonna give them more of that so why am I threatened by more people

liking this person because the things I want do not I do not get any of the things that I'm thinking when I really break it down like I just want to be happier I always want like to feel better and what makes me feel better connection um comfort foot massages all of those things I can get without fame and have had without fame yes All of those things I can get without fame and have had without fame. Yes, some of those are acquired through money, especially foot massages and comfort. But I just, I had to really like journal about,

and I was able to release it because I was like, this is a fallacy. My jealousy is a fallacy because there's nothing true about it. Like jealousy is born of i guess envy is when you want something that someone else has and i think it was more envy of like i i don't know the difference between jealousy and envy i always like back up against the spell different but that's a that's a big one thank you andrew that's what i was looking for yeah um it's pretty

deep uh it's like underwear wait can i have a question wait uh wait what was oh but see i think like you've you you have reached i guess it's why billionaires are still upset because they still want more right like it's about at that point it's just about needing more like you've accomplished literally 99 away i know i don't want it to go away. I know. I don't want people to forget about me and I don't want my accomplishments to be diminished when someone else gets the same things. That's almost what it is. But it doesn't affect you, I don't think.

Well, that's what I'm saying. I did the math. I was able to break apart the problem and deconstruct it and go, okay, what I think this person's gonna get, the happiness, the comfort, the friends, the cool people thinking she's cool. I already have all that.

And also I know that the last one especially doesn't mean anything and it doesn't make me feel better. I always just feel like I'm tricking that cool person and that that person isn't as cool as I thought they were because they like me. So I already invalidate that if it happens. So once I was able to deconstruct it and be like,

I was able to release it. Like I honestly am at a point now where I'm like, God, I hope this person gets everything that they want. And I really can say that because I was able to write it out and like, and take the feeling and I don't know, just pare it apart and go like, this feeling is actually doesn't even have, it's not even true.

Jealousy isn't based in nothing. My question, though, is like so like let's say you were a 16 year old girl. Right. In this world, you probably already have 400,000 followers right on TikTok. You're doing well. You know what I mean? We're not. These people didn't pull girls that have 600,000 followers on TikTok.

These are girls that have no followers. That maybe i'm saying no i'm saying they're looking at accounts that have 400,000 they have maybe 40 whatever yeah what do you say to the girl that hasn't reached anything like hasn't accomplished you won't know until you try and you get a little bit of that that that stuff doesn't bring you happiness. No amount of me saying fame doesn't bring you happiness. Yes. Or anyone famous saying that will make you believe that. You'll have to have your own set.

You'll have to live your life, go after the things that you think you want, and really just investigate what you're after. What are you after ultimately? Love, happiness, like honestly money. And then what does money say about you? Well, it means I can live comfortably. Okay, well comfort and have shelter and food and all that's important. But like when you break it down, you will eventually realize that those stuff don't bring you happiness.

But it's so ingrained in us that even I, knowing these things still get wrapped up in it. And I to i have to pause and journal i have to do it it was it was honestly felt like a math test that on you know you would have cheated on but you know when like you would have to do a quadratic like you would have to break it down and show your work i had to show my work of my feeling like okay show how did you get to jealousy what's going on here and then once you break it down you're like this this the science doesn't match yeah it doesn't there's no reason i it was like how i quit drinking once i looked at all the reasons for why i drank and that book the alan carr easy way to stop drinking it any reason i had to drink he would disprove and go actually that's

doesn't do that for you it doesn't make you braver it doesn't make you more courageous that doesn't do that for you. It doesn't make you braver. It doesn't make you more courageous. It doesn't make you more social. And once he gave every, like I couldn't argue, yes, it does. He broke it down. I was like, I can't do it anymore. I don't have the need to drink. So now I don't have the need to be jealous

of that particular person. I was able to un-brainwash myself, I guess. Next story. Next story. It actually goes really well into the next story by daydreaming individuals realize unmet emotional and psychological needs in a fictitious environment a person can spend more than 60 of their waking time in an imaginary world they have created i don't relate to daydreaming at all i was gonna say well there's three different personalities that were studied there's the narcissistic uh grandiosity grandiosity grandiosity the tendency to believe that one is superior to others and deserves special treatment

more likely to daydream about themes such as wish fulfillment, power, dominance, and violence. Separation and security, fearing rejection and or separation. They're more likely to daydream about distractions from boredom, rewarding pastimes, and caring relationships. And the last one is anhedonia. I don't know, lacking enjoyment or energy for life experiences. They recall a rewarding pastime and distractions from unpleasant realities. So essentially people either, you know,

they daydream about when things were actually good. I've never done that because it's already done and I am like, it's gone. Like you can't get it back. I don't even like to go back in the past. When you daydream, do you actually see things? Like I'll do it in the car sometimes. In the car on a long drive. Like what are you daydreaming about? I actually see things? I'll do it in the car sometimes. In the car on a long drive.

What are you daydreaming about? You've been interviewed by Letterman in your shower. That's daydreaming. I thought that was real shit. No, that's what I was going to say. That was his web series. He was interviewing people in a shower. Yeah, it was just a tester for his Netflix show.

It was a quibby thing that never really got off the ground. Yeah, I was less expensive than a mannequin they put in a chair. That does seem like a web series someone would do. It's like, we interview people in showers. You know, like when you're trying to do something quirky, a little bit different. It really is. And then you put a plan in there. Yes, yes.

And then you get a special and everyone tells you it's brilliant. Anyhow, I digress. Should we watch that later? You'll laugh. So anyway, so yeah, no, I do that on the shower. I do it because I take longer showers. What are you doing in the car? What are you going to do?

In the car, I'll just get lost. Sometimes I'll drive. I mean, it sounds bad, but I'll daydream and an hour will pass and I go, I was driving. Oh, yeah. I have that too where it's like you all of a sudden go, whoa, I'm driving. Wait, tell me what you daydream about. Are you going past, present, or future? A lot of times I'll be doing future.

Or violence. Violence was one of those. Yeah, I daydream about killing a family of six. I mean, six. That's hard to find nowadays. I daydream about driving a bigger car to kill more people. Right. It's pretty cool. Yeah, you daydream about driving a bigger car to kill more people. Right. It's pretty cool.

Yeah, you daydream about plowing head-on into a minivan. You know what would be dope is driving a smart car into a truck, and you demolished a truck. That would be badass. Wait, what? Because you always see one of these semi-trucks. Well, why would that happen if a tiny car, like physically? Maybe it hit a ramp and then went through the windshield, like a deer that's funny yeah a little like um what are those little

cars that are like a fiat no the one yeah like a fiat yeah just like goes off a ramp and then slams into a huge walmart like yeah like a badass driver like oh nothing could hurt me i'm a fucking semi-truck driver that takes up nine lanes. And then a Fiat just jumps. I love truck drivers, by the way. I don't want to make fun of them. And I think they actually are the most safe on the road. They probably love getting made fun of.

All right. Well, comment below. What do you feel? I'll go after them. I'm not afraid. I do love that. That was great. They love it, apparently.

I've read it on Reddit countless times. People are like, my dad's a truck driver. Just know that they love that That was great They love it apparently I've read it Countless times People are like My dad's a truck driver Just know that they Love that They love you to go Homp Do the honk thing

The blow horn signal Yeah they love it Or the Maybe it's a jerk I'll jerk you off At the next rest stop Maybe that's why they like it You just hold up a sign

A picture of George Michael Is that how you jerk people off As you pull it like a crank What do you daydream about Noah? Do you daydream? of a sign of a picture of george michael you jerk people off as you pull it like a crank um uh what do you daydream about noah do you daydream i like i used to daydream all the time and i'm almost like a little embarrassed to admit it but i used to like daydream about being in like a loving relationship yeah and this is like when i was very like a teenager. Was it Letterman? No.

Tom Hardy. Tom Hart, really? He is hot, yeah. But I used to think that my pillow was like a body. I would just always go to bed and just get into these really long daydreams. I used to do it all the time.

Not anymore, though. I really am envious of that. I think it relates to my envy of these really long like daydreams i used to do it all the time i don't wow not anymore though i i really am envious of that i i think it relates to my envy of women who um and i can do the math on this one and it actually checks out because i can't do it who can um think about past sexual encounters or fantasize and and come from like uh their mind and like a story they tell in their mind i have no ability to do that neither if anyone knows why i can't i i'm not one of these people that can't recall people's faces in my mind there's some people that have the like they they can't imagine a face until they see it like even like their mother have you ever tried to masturbate no porn like when's the last time you just did it

with your brain i would never even attempt to do that like most of the time i can't even do it with porn you try it like within the next week and see and talk about it yeah i feel like it would be like me in the woods rubbing two sticks together to make fire like it would just be naked and afraid honestly it's just you gotta talk about that on stage it's very funny to like to to just, I just want you to try. I think it's high on your own supply. Yeah, I mean, I love that someone, I think Ashley Hasseltine is the one that said it's like playing acoustic

when you just do it with your hand. Oh, yeah. I love that. I can't even, I mean, it would be, I'll try it, I'll try it. I've tried it and like weird people it has to be it has to be someone i actually have a chance with that's where i fantasize like the times that i daydream future people the times i daydream is when i have potential with someone that's very

exciting like it's on the move but it hasn't happened yet and i can close my eyes on a plane and just imagine like being in a relationship with them and like how exciting it's going to be when i see them for like the next time and like that it's going to be when I see them like the next time. And like that, it's gotta be on the precipice of real. And it's always, always about a guy. Yeah.

It's never about like, Oh my God, I might get SNL. Like it's never that it's never a career thing. Cause those things stress me out. Whereas like a loving relationship makes me feel like, Oh, I can't wait.

Yeah. So that, but it has to be someone that's like, I actually have a chance with not like there's never like a celebrity unless it's a you know a celebrity i have a chance with which they don't want to date me because they like like their private lives and don't and also maybe they just don't want to date me i like to say it's because they're so private yeah that's why because they're private that's why celebrities wouldn't that's why ben affleck would swipe left on me on right yeah because he knows i talk so openly he knows I talk so openly on stage, and he wants to keep it.

I mean, he knows your whole act, and he would know exactly the jokes that you're talking about. Who knows? He might be a fan. I'm sure he is. That's what they thought. Wait, are we changing? I'm like, yes, ending you, and you go, actually, he's a fan.

He's a fan. I mean, I'm sure, I would almost guarantee he doesn't know who I am. Doesn't? Yeah. I don't know. I feel like a lot of people know who you are that you didn't expect it, like, at times. I i do know that i did an impression of jennifer aniston on whitney cummings podcast and whitney sent me a screenshot of jen dming her and saying

what's this you didn't know that no she what i was just so mortified because it wasn't that good of an impression i hadn't like practiced it in a while and it wasn't like it just wasn't what did jen write she wrote like uh like like crying tear like it was i'll pull it up i i probably still have it it was like an emoji that wasn't this is what you need to masturbate to but you're kidding it does that count yeah it was like it was good but oh here it is just put zach afferent oh she wrote oh lord two exclamation marks and then the the the emoji where it's like the two, like, here, I'll zoom in. I mean, that's great.

I did it, you guys. Jennifer Aniston laughed at something I did and said, oh, Lord. Oh, Lord. You know who's not getting that? The person you're jealous of isn't getting that text. Well. Yet. Yet.

They're probably, you know, they'll get that version. You know, I don't want my heroes to know. Like, when I did that, I remember being like, Jen's probably going to, and I love that I'm calling her Jen. Jen is probably going to see this because she's friends with Whitney. And I know that, like, and Whitney's tagging her in the videos. And I was just like, I know she's going to see it. And I was just like I know she's gonna see it and I was just like no I just I don't want I don't want my heroes to know I exist and

I love them part of you is like I do want no not at all like Taylor Swift thing like I get into trouble I love people so much that I have opinions about them that might be a little bit negative like my impression of her isn't like glowingly not like it's just like ah ah ah you know it's like it's not like the best thing to

noises are awesome i love like we forget how great our mouths can be i don't know what that one was but i do think though that she yeah I'm glad I remember when she sent it to me I didn't even look at it that was the first time I was actually looking at it and the fact that she sent it to me I knew it was positive so I just kind of like didn't look at it but I still

don't remember what Taylor Swift wrote to me on the comment that she wrote to me on my thing she wrote I think it was like, oh my God, thank you so much. But I looked at it once and I never will again because it was just like, okay, I know it's positive. I can't dissect it because if I even sense

that she's a little bit like, this girl kind of sucks and this is lame. I won't be able to enjoy her anymore. And I need Jen and I need Tay. Let's take a quick break and we'll be back with Why Do I Care. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors.

And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the center of this murky world

is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven,

and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community, and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery,

a story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Tune into my podcast, Building One. There's so much to learn, like how Patagonia innovates with its supply chain. We had to go out to farmers and convince them. It was really damn hard. Or the way Adobe thinks about the first interaction somebody has with Photoshop. I was always so fascinated by how people navigate and find their way.

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your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, like LPGA superstar Angel Yin. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing,

twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride, full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment.

Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Andrew, why do I care? Interesting question. Why do I care? Oh, man.

This is pretty big news. I hope you're sitting down again. Okay. Love is Blind star Jessica Bat- Bat- Bat- Bat- Yeah. Wait. Is is blind star Jessica Batten. Yeah.

Wait. Is she talking to Barnett or Mark right now? Oh, Barnett. Okay. So what is the news article about me? Oh, my God. To a surgeon named Benjamin McGrath, who's not related to that other McGrath guy that had the hit.

Mark. Mark. Every morning. I'm not going to sing. Jessica. What's her name again? Jessica. Jessicaessica rabbit is her name jessica batten yes um baton rouge obviously we all remember her she she ended up uh falling for well she loved barnett she was she was and then she like when mark she got with mark though and she would talk to mark like hey mark will you go get me another glass of wine and she'd be like so barnett i think that

you and amber are really good together and i don't know hey mark i'm never gonna sleep with you like poor mark like she just uh she couldn't she couldn't get it up for old marky it's gotta suck mark was a great guy on that show when they fall for you through the door and then you open the door and they're like i've been watching her on i followed her on instagram immediately upon watching that show because i felt like she was edited poorly i just thought like you know this woman drank a little too much sometimes and probably had like like i relate to drinking too much and saying embarrassing things and i thought you know what this woman i'm not making fun of her for that i'm making fun of her for like doing a baby voice with the guy she likes and and like yeah that's i

i actually like this girl because i felt i felt for i felt very connected to her as someone who struggles with drinking and like that's why i didn't do ever audition for a real world or any of those shows even though i would have loved to because i knew that i would get drunk and do embarrassing things it would have been ridiculous and i wouldn't have been i would have been so embarrassed i couldn't live with myself and so that is um so i felt for i followed her and so i've been watching this relationship kind of take place and i'm really happy for her do i think it will last no are you projecting no no i'm kidding i don't think anything to be honest with you i do think no i think you and avi will last i do think that um but it's so weird if you said you didn't think honestly well i do want to say though that i just don't think that marriages that last until death are, quote unquote, successful.

And marriages that fail or divorces make a marriage unsuccessful. I think that that is completely false. And, like, a lot of times I see couples that have been married for, like, 55 years. And it's like, wow, give it up for them, everyone. It's like they just were too scared to leave like that's not and that's i they didn't brave it out they sleep in seven separate bedrooms and they don't talk to each other that's not like wow they worked through the hard times a lot of times it is what happens and they go to therapy and they like get through really trying times and

they're still in love and like that's a successful marriage just staying married that ain't successful to me yeah you can say a lot of things and it's to me that's laziness and that's why i always uh congratulate people when they get divorced i mean if you're fucking like because it's harder to do with the same person yeah for like 30 years and you're like 68 you know 70 and you're like i'm gonna make a 70, and you're like, I'm going to make a change now. That is brave as fuck. I know. It's wild. It's wild to think I'm going to put myself back out there.

I would say that is up there with trans, people that decide to make the transition. When they know deep down there, when they put everything on the line, all the fear and the judgments from other people like i do think trans people are the bravest people uh alive um like like to do that and even if you i don't think you're weak if you don't decide to transition because i just i don't think that i could do it if i deep down one two it's just so scary the judgment and like what you

stand to lose and the what you what you stand to the ridicule you stand to uh have inflicted upon yourself just because you want to be yourself like it's too much so i like i i think trans people should board trans people who have transitioned should be able to board planes before soldiers oh or trans because i think it's right or at the same time let me just say that because i think they are just as brave and people go maybe you're gonna comment like what i i fought for this country like thank you for your service please board the plane early i like that too but no and they just want to be different and get attention you're such an idiot if you think that you're

literally such an idiot if you think that trans people like who would choose i mean it's great that trans people should be happy that they're trans but like and for who they are but if anyone thinks someone chooses to do that to like have their family not think they're like to not acknowledge them anymore like people do you know what i'm saying no i hear what you're saying why i don't understand why people can't get it. There's a thing that you might not experience yourself that they're going through that you might not be able to grasp. That has nothing to do with you.

But can you grasp the idea of something hard that would be really hard to do that you wouldn't want to do but you have to do because it's just so part of you? You can maybe grasp that idea. Maybe extend it to that. I would say that people probably go their thought processes well negative attention still attention you know that's what they would say they would go well oh well are they getting are they aren't they getting a lot of likes and a lot of outside okay so maybe there is someone that's

been trans and they did it for attention let's just say that those people do exist yeah even that is like so sad and i feel for that person that they have to like they want attention so bad that they have to do this thing like there's this new trend on tiktok and this is separate issue there's a new trend on tiktok where people are like pretending to have autism and like oh because of because it's getting attention or they pretend to have like a disability that's what i'm saying like that kind of shit like even garrett from uh f boy island i couldn't understand why he would want to be a villain like he's signing up for the show where he's lying about who he is you have to go through the rest of your life people knowing you're a liar like you are you're signing up to be a villain and and that goes back to trump

like it's proven now that negative attention equals people will like it and rally around you i just don't think that someone who's trans that like isn't able to now see their nieces and nephews because they've like because they get you know 20 000 and they have to like get injections that cost so much money and they like have to you know they have to change their name and like all the stuff like i don't think i can't imagine looking at that person going god they just are so desperate for attention like yeah why would you sign up for something that makes you feel more alienated from the people you love in general you know i just i just don't get it but um maybe someone can explain it to me but i don't think that you're gonna do a good job so do we think jessica's over

barnett um you know i bet i bet finally she is and she she really wishes the best for him. And if there's ever a reunion, she will talk so high that dogs will start barking in nearby areas. And then she'll turn to her husband and say what? Get me a seltzer, Daniel! Because she's not drinking anymore. And so she's really pounding. Oh, she gave up drinking? No, I'm just guessing. That's the only way I would hope that a man would enter a relationship with her sorry jess but and and to her husband let me just say if uh if you're dating someone and when they

get boozed up you don't like who they are but they love boozing and you go you know what i can tolerate it here and there if the person doesn't have a plan to maybe not do that ever again it's only gonna get worse it's never gonna get better if you're dating someone who drinks and then they're mean to you or you hate the way that they act and they don't ever acknowledge it and they're not trying to get better it's only going to get worse and you're eventually gonna get divorced and hate them and lose half of your money even if you have a prenup because

I've heard that prenups don't even protect you. Is that true, Andrew? Have you heard the same thing? Oh, yeah. Were you even listening? I was vibing. Oh, man. Okay. Well, that's what happens when I start singing off-key. This is karaoke mode. Alright, that's what happens when I start singing off key. You're pretty on key. This is karaoke mode.

All right. Let's get to top one, bottom one. This is our Monday segment where we go around the horn. Me, Noah, Andrew, and I, I correct myself, are going to say our top one and bottom one, least and top favorite thing of a category. Today's category is pets. Pets that we have had in our past. Worst pet, best pet.

I can start us off. Okay. Worst pet? Worst pet. My dad found a hermit crab on a bike ride in about 1997. It was crawling across the street street and he picked it up and he brought it home to our family and we were excited because we liked any kind of new pet right and we put it in the little terrarium aquarium thing and then we got more for it

because we it needs friends you know because we didn't read about how they're not really social creatures i don't know if they are about how they're not really social creatures. I don't know if they are or not. They're hermits. We got more. That's a good fucking point. Oh, my God. It's in the name.

So my dad got some more leave me alone crabs, you know, so that they could all hang out. I don't want a family, especially humans, crab. I don't know what was wrong with him. We got some solitary shellfish. I didn't want to stay in my room, mom, crab. No crabs allowed, crab. And the B is backwards, like a little sign on a little rascal's fort. I would drink at that bar outside on a beach. That is kind of good.

So we got a hermit crab. We got more hermit crabs. And then they just started, like, they're like, I hated them because they're spiders in a shell. Like, spiders in a shell, hermit crab. Like, they are terrifying. I don't, I didn't like them. I like them now a little bit. But I still, like, they gross me out.

And they, like, their eyes come out and their little, like, tentacles. They're creepy. They're not a fun pet. And they walk sideways. I don't like them. like they gross me out and they like their eyes come out and they're little like tentacles they're creepy they're not and they walk sideways i don't like them as david says crabs are unsettling they walk sideways it's unsettling oh he says that yeah it's like it's so they're just like and they're they're just like i love all animals i don't even eat crabs even though it's my favorite food um hermit crabs are not my favorite food. But like they. So we got these hermit crabs.

Long story short. Did you paint the shells? No, because I wouldn't want to get close to them. Like I wouldn't want to hold them. They're so they're gross. They look like you ever flipped over. Have you ever seen the flip side of one of those horseshoe crabs? Oh, oh.

And they just look like spiders. Just like like too many legs. I like spiders, just like too many legs. I don't like things with too many legs. And so I, so anyway, we just like didn't feed them, didn't clean their cage, and they just started smelling

like the pussy you fingered when that got. Did you tell it? Yeah, I sat these crabs down and I said, listen, I've been there before too. But they just started stinking so bad and i remember their little dish of like water that you had to put these little like shrimpies in and it just everything was disgusting about these things and i they started dying and

like up starvation and like malnourishment and i'm really reluctant to say that because it's like so awful but they just like start like like, I think we've all, we all know of the family or we've had a pet that we just didn't treat. Right. And it like, I've one day in therapy and like when I was first going to therapy, I thought about these hermit crabs and I started sobbing more than I've ever cried in my whole life about how bad,

I mean, I could do it right now about how I just let it they weren't my responsibility i didn't ask for these crabs i had adults living at home that should have taken care of them and fed them and i watched these animals die because i was too scared to get close to their cage and change the water and get in there and like feed them and so i felt helpless and watched these animals like die from neglect. And like it is – that's one of my biggest regrets in life is like that I let that – that I witnessed that and let that happen. And like that's I think why – what spurred my like obsession with animal advocacy and just like just that – seeing that happen. But I will say that when it got down to like one or two crabs left, we snuck them.

This is another horrible thing we did. We went to PetSmart and we put them in a bag and we put them in cages at PetSmart. We like put them into PetSmart. It's because we knew they'd be taken care of. So it's like you left a baby like on a – Yeah, it's like that's the – do not do that. That happens all the time at zoos and at pet stores. Don't do that.

Look for a better way to surrender your pets. Craigslist. I don't know. I'm reluctant to tell that story. I had to kill soft-shelled crabs when I worked as a fishmonger. I had to cut their heads off. It was wild. And their arms would still be moving.

And I had to cut them with a scissor and i was like i do not want to do this okay what's what is your yeah killing animals you know what i was just about to say i felt bad about that selling that story i don't eat animals and maybe you do at home so if you're judging me you you participate in the in the deaths of many animals if you eat them and so i'm making up for it now but andrew all right uh kind of in the deaths of many animals if you eat them. And so I'm making up for it now. But Andrew. Alright. Kind of in the same vein, my brother decided to

buy a Burmese python, which is a snake that gets to about, I don't know, let's say 22 feet. Jesus Christ. And he bought this thing and I mean it's the most florida pet ever i mean a snake what did your parents allow this i don't know if he really had a discussion he just

brought home he also had a lizard older brother oh you hate lizards he had a he a very fast like big lizard i don't know what kind think that one is your least favorite. Yeah. Well, the snake was just, like, we'd feed it mice. But that lizard saved you a lot of money on car insurance. He did. He did. And I owe him.

Did the Burmese python help out with, you know, homeowners? He actually, you want to know a crazy story? So we had a drug dealer neighbor. Yeah. Who he sold like pot. I actually took acid with him one time. He shot a gun into our house because I think he was mad at my stepbrother. And it went through the snake cage. It didn't kill the snake, but it would hit the snake.

I mean, what more Florida story than that? A guy shooting. I mean, that's up there with you getting arrested for speeding on a jet ski in a man's seat. Yeah. Shooting a gun into our snake fucking cage. So what happened to the Spermys Python? So this is what happened. So my brother leaves for college, leaves the snake in care of my stepmom or my parents, and it dies.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know exactly how it died. I think my stepmom said that it killed itself by... A shot to the head through the wall. Friendly fire. I mean, it's such a big... Eventually, that animal is going to outgrow your house. I feel so sad for animals.

Unless you live in a fucking mansion. This is like a heartbreaking segment. Okay, Noah, do you have a bad pet that didn't die tragically? We weren't allowed to have any pets when we were growing up, really, except for like a dog once I was a teenager. I always wanted to have hamsters and rabbits and all these animals. We just were not allowed to. But at one point um i started looking into

getting a bearded dragon and i wanted a bearded dragon so bad so bad and then i was i didn't get one because when i realized that i had to feed it crickets and i had to like have like frozen mice in my freezer yeah i was like this is good for you doing a little research instead of just letting it starve to death because you didn't want to handle yeah you buy these animals you don't think 10 years down or two months down the line especially with dogs people do not realize how much money it's gonna cost how much money at the end and time it's gonna cost yes um yeah you gotta think about all that because you're like oh it's a cute puppy and just like, oh, it's a cute puppy. And just like, yeah. Bearded dragon. Such a funny name, man.

It's like a goatee cat or something. I don't know. A cat wasn't a good pull. A mustachioed ferret. Yeah, it is bearded. And I hate when bearded dragons, you know why they do that, though? They don't have chins. And they're trying to look like they have chins.

Oh, my God. On Bumble? They have bad jaw lines. Yeah, on Bumble Bee, which is their favorite dating app, because that's what they eat. I'm going to call my dick the bearded dragon from now on. I was going to say a pussy joke about it, because that does feel like it looks like that sometimes. Okay, favorite pet. I mean, hands down, without a doubt.

Easy. Kiwi. Yeah. Yeah, my bird Kiwi, parakeet I had when I was in fifth grade. He could do tricks. He would say, he would repeat things. He was very smart. You'd say flip the bird and he would flip around on his thing or you'd say do

your trick and then he would go to the corner of the cage and put one hand on each side and then flip into the corner of the cage and it was just like he was amazing and um you know he'd pick stuff out of my teeth i had braces at the time that was fun he would like pick on my hangnails which i loved i'd be like eat it and he would just like rip them out and i loved it and then um and he also yeah famously i'd like to hear his side of the story on that well one time he would always talk you know i told the story before but he would always be like like that was exactly how he talked and but sometimes he would do like our voices intermixed with it but that he wouldn't do the voices and the cool stuff unless he didn't

think we were listening you know like he didn't want attention on him but he was in our kitchen like in them he was in our his cage was in our kitchen people were kind of like grossed out by it but he we didn't clip his wings he could fly around he was just so sweet and um my friends and i would always just have to like sit there next at the table next to him and pretend like we weren't watching him and be and like kind of talk slowly and eat our cereal so that he would start talking not thinking we were paying attention and one time me and huffy were eating uh honey bunches of oats with almonds which was our favorite cereal and like eating and we were just like being quiet so we could hear him and he just was like mom I hate my fucking middle name.

Kiwi, Kiwi, pretty Kiwi. And we were both like, did he just say, Mom, I hate my fucking middle name in your voice, Nikki? Like, we both heard it clear as day. And I don't hate my middle name. He just came up with a, but he said it clear as day, and we both heard it, and it was awesome. It's so wild.

I mean, how many times do you think he heard you say that over a year? Maybe twice? He probably just heard, like, Mom, I hate. And then, like, fucking he definitely heard every other word in our fucking house. And then middle name, I don't know. Maybe he said something else, but it sounded like middle name. Like, who knows? And he did that one time.

Yeah, but it was just, like, perfectly my voice. It was great. What was your favorite pet? I don't know if this is cheating but it's actually a my older brother's dog oh that's actually my least favorite were those the soft-shell crabs you killed ripped their heads off when you pulled them out of your skin scabies is the worst scary rabies um i uh i had uh or we still he's still alive Hubert He's an Italian Spanoni dog

Who I just I love so much man He just reminds me of a grandpa Maybe because my grandpas are dead And he looks like a grandpa I'm a little annoyed that you picked a dog that's not yours But you didn't pick Luigi or Marion But also I didn't pick them so I'll let it slide

Well this isn't about you I know it's not but I just want to know, is he better than Marion and Luigi? And it's okay if he is. He's better than one of them by far. And then the other one. I know. I know. We have a favorite.

I do have a favorite. Marion, I like more than Luigi. I mean, you can't not. But Luigi. But Luigi's a silent. I think it's because we see ourselves in Luigi too much. He's scared. He doesn't trust that's at least why

like the things I hate about Luigi are the things that I hate about myself yeah I love that Marion just goes for it his dick comes out

all the time that's what I love I'm into that he's the Louis CK of dogs okay so but you like Hubert because he just has like a grandpa energy what do you mean by that

he's just kind and and loving and like wants to bury his head and bury his head he lays down with me in bed he likes to snuggle so snuggly he he makes when you come into the when he hasn't seen you in a while you come into the house he'll go grab any toy and bring it to you he just has to find something i gotta find something for you until you like me yeah like he's like i didn't get my energy yeah yeah and then um and he'll do this thing when you rub his ears like he'll make this like just noise to let you know the one thing he doesn't do which i

really respect he doesn't lick he'll never like you can't yeah whenever marianne licks i grab her tongue gently and just hold on to it and i go you're gonna yeah whenever marianne licks i grab her tongue gently and just hold on to it and i go you're gonna learn and then she's like and i don't do it in a mean way i just like to like oh i love grabbing the dog's tongue just to grab it it feels it feels like my honestly my vagina a little bit like it's a little dog's tongue but uh yeah so i love that dog and i'm gonna have it surgically my little brother's dog just shout out to tucker who passed away yesterday oh my god yeah their oldest um dog which was rest in peace was a king uh king spaniard wait what is it what's it called great way to honor him okay so noah all right what is your favorite animal is it buzzy yet or you gotta to go with Bruins? Favorite pet.

Buzzy is working his way up, but it's going to be Bruno. Yeah. And, you know, just so we, my dad and my sister got Bruno. Andrew's still laughing about his terrible memorial to the great Spaniard or whatever the fuck his dog was. Cocker Spaniel. Cocker Spaniel. Yeah. You okay. Cocker Spaniel? Cocker Spaniel, yeah. You okay? Springer Spaniel?

I'm jealous that you can do that with a white sweatshirt. I would get bronzer all over myself. Really enjoy that you can cover your face and keep it covered. Okay, anyway, okay. I gotta look. Bruno. Yes. Bruno was my beagle who passed away last year at 15.

And when my dad and my sister originally got him, I was like, you can't get a dog because it was only like two months after our family golden retriever got hit by a car and died. And it was very traumatic. I was like, I don't want this dog. I want nothing to do with him. Fast forward four years later,

I ended up taking the dog because my parents were just not like taking care of him. Like they should take care. Yeah. Yes, exactly. years later i ended up taking the dog because my parents were just not like taking care of him like they should take care yeah yes exactly and then um bruno's just been like an awesome companion to go through all of life's destructive moments yes like through my parents divorce through it like um financial insecurity through one of my worst breakups bruno was always there for me as um just like an unconditional loving companion isn't that the best part about them is like i was actually picturing bruno like mitigating or like like kind of like mediating your parents divorce and then like helping you

with your like taxes and getting your forms ready and being like i can help you with these things and like i was actually like oh my my God. What a talented little dog. Sign there. Sign there. Sign there. Sign there. One more page. Sign there.

Just sign everywhere. There's a paw print. That's so cute. Initial there. King Charles. King Charles. King Charles. Okay.

King Charles. A little too late. That's best thing. King Charles. King Charles. Okay. King Charles. A little too late. That's where you're talking. Final thought. I mean, that's why animals and pets are the greatest is because they don't care what you look like. They don't care. They don't care about any, like they don't care that you age.

They don't care if your pussy smells. They actually prefer it. Oh yeah. Then they could find you in a room full of a million people. Yeah. I know where that pussy is. It's just so sweet when an animal can sense that you need extra like love and like neat, like they just pick up on their work.

They're operating on a level that we aren't even in tune with those kinds of senses of like, because they have to, they're so about like being, they're so close to being the, the, you know, they're domesticated most of the,

for thousands of years, but, um, they're closer to being in the wild than we are. So like they, they have instincts, you know, they can tell if a thunderstorm is coming,

like they just like can sense. Yeah. And that's why it's so important to realize that like how you are is what your dog your dog is reading you and they're looking to you to be a leader and if they're not obeying you like they don't respect you and they're reading that they're reading that you don't deserve respect and like you don't like that's kind of the thing yeah everything's like so like they're almost like autistic in a way of like, this is how I feel about you. And they do have a little bit of like, you know, Luigi does stuff sometimes that I go, wow, he like plant.

He's he's acting away against he's pretending to be something else. Like he'll do this thing where he knows there's a dog, a quarter, like a half a block away that he wants to like hang out for, but he knows that I want to keep walking and he'll stop to smell something and I'll let him smell it. But then I know he's done smelling it, but he'll just keep his nose there pretending like he's, cause he knows that I will let him finish his smell because I, I learned that you always let a dog finish their smell. Cause it's like pulling them away from a movie that they're really invested in and you want

them to get the ending to it. Sometimes I'm like, it smells like a fucking dandelion. Let's like pulling them away from a movie that they're really invested in and you want them to get the the ending to it sometimes i'm like it smells like a fucking dandelion let's go i like spoil it for them they're like spoiler alert and um but sometimes i like he will just i'll just send him just like pretending to smell and i'll go i know what you're doing you're waiting for this dog like you're lying to me right now the other night i was about to give them a the other night i was about to give them a bath and they i didn't even say it but i started running the water and like waiting for it to get warm and luigi just starts shaking furiously and it's he's not cold he's not i've never hurt him in the bath if anything i do baths because he gets so spunky and free. He loves when I dry him off.

It gets him in the best mood. And he smelled. But the shaking was all to make me go, I don't want to do this to you. It's premeditated to get a response out of me. And it's not based on how he's actually feeling, maybe. Yeah, it's like when you try to brush my teeth. I'm just like. Yeah, you start just shivering.

And I go, it's not cold in here um yeah i think that animals are just so thank god also it's like i think i think we did the dialogue about the hermit crab and the snake if we could learn anything like like just because they're ugly creature like don't judge an animal by their ugliness or they're willing to uh do whatever you want them to do. And they're not lesser than these other animals. Oh, are you going to stop eating? No, no.

I'm going to keep eating snake. You were starting to sound like a vegan for a second there. No, no. I'm just saying if you haven't. Your logic is very vegan. I know. But as a pet is what I'm saying. And then look, look. Thanks for listening to the show today listen um yeah we won't get into vegan stuff but that that was a thing that like when i i make the joke of like

when i got dogs that's when i was like oh my god every animal is a dog it's like has the has that in it and i hadn't felt that way with my you know my family's dogs i never felt really connected to but um when marion got ripped apart by that german shepherd and was like i thought she was going to die like the way my parents described it the way they said that like oh my god it was brutal i mean before it was this was before we saw the wound but the wound itself i was like she's not gonna make it even after she's got stitched up and like is able to leave the hospital like she this is gonna get infected something's gonna happen it's not gonna heal you literally can't even find the scar anymore i don't even understand what how she healed but i remember i got the call from my mom

that marion was probably not gonna make it and i was like i'm just gonna go like pray for her and i walked in my room and luigi's just in my, in his little bed curled up. And I was just like, Luigi, we're going to like, Marion's really not doing well right now. And I just like, and usually he doesn't want to like cuddle. He's a little bit like me. Like he's just like kind of tense when you try to cuddle him. But he just like leaned into it and like felt that I needed it. And like we sent our energy.

Like I knew he knew something was wrong with Marion I mean I don't think he knew but like he knew through you there was something he knew he knew something was wrong and that we needed to like spend that time and like be be thoughtful about her and like send energy out there and it was just like and I didn't say like please God let Marion live I just said like let let Marion's fate be exactly what needs to happen, whether she dies or she lives. Like, whatever's going to have the best results, let that happen. And apparently it's that she lived.

That's going to yield better results than if she died. I can see your mom going, just kidding, JD died again. It's not Marion. I go, oh, thank God. Thank God. It's like god he died twice oh good guys thank you so much for listening to the podcast we are gonna be back

tomorrow Tuesday with a fresh episode that will be crazy and make sure to look if you're listening look for this one on YouTube on Wednesday hopefully and if you're watching on YouTube make sure you comment and like and subscribe but also,

you know, don't, don't actually comment whatever you want. I'm not going to read it, but I do appreciate the subscribe and I hope you, and just send it to your friends if you liked it or yeah. Do all of that. I appreciate all the support.

I really love you guys and we'll see you on the road and we'll don't be and. Yeah. Change. Can. on the road and we'll don't be cut and change. Jon Stewart is back at the daily show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with the daily show ears edition podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more.

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