The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #11 Yeah, Dad Ya Clown!

Episode Date: April 8, 2021

Nikki feels her emotions stirring as she anticipates an end. Good thing Andrew has a headline in the segment You Heard It Here First about emoting through music. She blows off steam with Korn lyrics while Andrew is coming off the high of finally getting "verified". Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Yeah, here I am. Hello, everyone. It's Nikki Glaser. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. How are you all doing this Wednesday morning? I hope you're doing well. I don't hope you're having fun because you'll get hope to that later. But let's start it off. Noah, I love when you introduce me. It makes me feel so good. And I want to let everyone know that we do listen to the intro song and we dance along to it before we get

in. It lifts my spirits. Anya Marina, check her out. She has a Patreon. Noah, how are you? I'm good. Yesterday, what a whirlwind. Thank you all for, well, you didn't know that any of that happened, but someone had commented on our Instagram. Listen, if there isn't Lost Audio, it's not a Nikki Glaser podcast. And you know what? I like that that's our brand. We're winging it here in the Cayman Islands.

But we have, um, we, we, I didn't mind taping two episodes at all. It was so fun. I was actually like grateful because I was like, so amped up from Conan that I didn't want to stop talking and Conan. Uh, it came out.

I gotta say Noah, like last night, my parents watched Conan and then they texted me like as they were watching it they're always the first to text me anything i'm on because they you know watch things live like old people and they wrote for an episode first of all in conan i talked about how i like compliments and how i need them to be like yeah good compliments i mean my mom goes uh first of all i told my mom to watch the documentary don't fuck with cats a couple days ago and then i got a text from her on sunday omg exclamation mark don't fuck with cats four exclamation marks oh my god exclamation mark then my conan appearance

killed it on conan fourlamation marks. Not bad. And you look amazing too. One exclamation mark. Okay. I know everyone's like, how could that be better? That's fine. That was fine.

That was actually like a good response. Then I go, Oh good. Funny question mark. And then I asked some questions. Um, I said, I felt weird about the hall pass thing, but that convo really did happen.

And I didn't plan for it to where I told Conan, he's my hall, one of my hall passes. I really didn't. I was like really worried yesterday that was going to come across. Like I was like hitting on a married man, but it was just like anecdotal because I just talked to, I don't even have a boyfriend to make a hall pass with, but he, his name had come up the day before. So I felt like I have to prove to you, Conan, that you are fuckable. And she just goes, it was really good. And then my dad wrote, great job on Coco! Really funny. Looking great too! I know these are like, what more could you ask for? My parents are so effusive with their compliments that these are like a B minus of a compliment.

I just have to say. So and based on my Conan appearances from the past, like they just didn't measure up. So to me, this was probably not my best Conan appearance. And that's OK, because you can't always top yourself. And sometimes you have to have peaks or valleys to have peaks. And I said, oh, good. You never know how they edit it. He said bad edit on the first commercial break. And I'm like, okay, well that's, I go, well,

there's no place to cut. I guess that's not my fault. He said, they just stopped you in mid sentence. I go, Oh, well it will be full online. No one watches the show live anyway. He said, well done as usual period. I said, thanks. Tried my best exclamation mark. He goes, you nailed it. And I could tell you were having fun loved it when someone says i could tell you were having fun equals not a good compliment like just have fun out there it looked like you had fun why did they have to include that last part about the edit like that's a note to you know the editor or something not my dad can't help himself but saying like things that he because you know what he thinks i could have stopped and been like hey do you want me to give you a good commercial outro like where it would end naturally like he thinks i could have cut in there and done

something and that's why i just say it's not my fault uh but it's just like he always gets mad you know he gets mad about? He gets mad when people don't intro me correctly. They don't tout my, um, accomplishments enough. That article, it was great, but they only said you, uh, appear regularly on Conan and do the roast. They didn't say that you had your own shows. They didn't say that you tour theaters. You have Netflix specials. And I go, go dad they can't copy and paste my imdb in in a tweet you know it's going to take up too many characters we have a lot to talk about on the show today not just my accomplishments but major major uh uh what why am i running out

of words today major um announcing news breaking news thank you god breaking news really nikki you can't conjure that breaking i'm here thank you it's been a long morning uh major news out of uh the the andrew collin uh headspace uh it's really only major news to him um the rest of it's going to change his life drastically and we'll find out what that is. You probably already know if you follow him on Instagram right after this. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges

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Get Hired is for you. Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you like to listen. Hey, Andrew. Good morning, Nikki. Good good morning baby cakes lover oh no welcome to the show noah and i um i've already kicked it off but we you know we wanted to bring you in to i mean i kind of teased the good news when i said you had good news um the news broke last night at about i would say 11 o'clock p.m yeah what happened tell me how it went down how did you sleep first of all i bet you slept great based on this news or you know what i bet you slept terribly because you couldn't stop checking it and like reveling in it right noah i bet he didn't sleep well that's what yeah i guarantee

andrew was up all night refreshing and whatever we're about to reveal all right so be honest with us i'm gonna take you through it um wait were we right did you sleep not well last night i slept better than i've ever slept in my life i'm not even kidding did you sleep on the couch no i slept in the bed and fully naked like a fucking champ okay i'll tell you what happened i didn't ask that part but okay okay so there's a lot of things behind the scenes of a of what i'm gonna tell you so so for a long time we all know my struggles with the with with getting a blue check mark let's talk about the blue check mark for those of our listeners who don't know and i don't want to play i don't want to uh bore the ones who do know let's talk about it in an interesting new way yeah a blue check mark what does it mean to

you to get a blue check mark on instagram for for you know i know i'm gonna get into that i'm gonna get into i'm just coaching you through it i don't need coaching you can do it champ sit on the bench take this one out i thought i'm starting oh. Yeah, you're starting to go get orange slices for everyone else. I'm very excited about. Okay, fine. Fuck it. I'm just going right to the chase. Is that what you want?

I got a blue checkmark last night. I'm not going to take you through the story. He's going to go to the chase and he's going to cut to the end. I'm cutting to the chases. Yes. Cut chases. Chase Crawford, you're fucking out of here. Cut him.

He's hot though hot guy sister mary tono romo oh whoa tony romo yeah tono romo a tono romo antonio romo i mean that is a ton of blue check mark last night i wanted a blue check mark i know ha ha ha like it doesn't mean anything it meant a lot to me to be recognized by the Instagram Academy. Andrew is verified. I'm verified on Instagram. I have a blue checkmark. When you're verified, that means that you have at least enough of a personality publicly where they need to give you a blue checkmark so people know it's actually you. And not only that, it allows other people with blue checkmarks to give you more respect

and treat you better like you're actually a human being and not shit on you and piss on your face, which is pretty cool. Number two, it allows women to know that you're a fucking baller. Number three, it will probably increase the money I make, whether through brand dealerships

or partnerships. Dealerships. Partnerships. Or with other people allowing me to be on their podcast because they think I'm a real fucking baller now. Yes. So I just want to thank everybody for being out there, for supporting me through this tough time. And that, yes, I don't have five specials on Netflix.

I just have to say that. Yes, I've never done late night. Yes, I've never done anything in my life. Outside of the real world, New Orleans, when you asked a girl how old she was, but you cannot take this blue check Mark away from me. I made it to the mountain top. No,

um, I'm really happy for you. The blue check Mark means so much to not only just, you know, anyone, if you're in the entertainment business, because it is just this like status symbol that means to other celebrities that you are someone it's it's honestly this just you know made up thing

that gives that is just a sure sign that you like when i'm searching through my dms to see who's messaged me i go to blue check marks first because they're like not because i'm like oh they're verified and they're not a fake person it means that they have like they're um i can research them a little bit more they're well known they might be probably richer like it's all shallow fucking bullshit i will say though that i get so many messages from blue check marks that have like 1200 followers i'm like how the fuck do you have a blue check it doesn't really mean as much anymore and especially not now that and i'm just kidding it does mean something it means so much but they do give them out like that's the thing that was so frustrating that's why it was funny that's why i'm like that's why i find it comical is because like i'll have a buddy because they do it based off if you have three articles written about you

if you don't have any articles about you it doesn't matter how many times you've been on Comedy Central Radio, how many times you've been on big podcasts, how many times someone to your stature has taken help me or whatever. Until you get three articles. What did you feel when it came through when you got that message? Here's the thing. How do you feel when you get something that you've really wanted for a long time?

Great. But how long does it last? It didn't last long. I'm not going to lie. I smiled. I go, great. And then about an hour later, it was over. Really?

I thought you slept so well. Well, I slept well after the elation. Yeah. Because, I mean, if you were a single guy which i don't technically know that you are this would mean a whole lot because women really like when i'm going look at me going through my messages so last night on conan i said that i was like looking for a boyfriend so like i got hundreds of messages from guys i should have been more specific that you have to live where I live and also be

pretty successful and love what you do for a living and I want you to I need a man who I wasn't really doing a dating thing because I am looking for a man who loves his work, is really good at his work, maybe the best at his work

almost like the way I treat my work. Takes pride in it. Has fun. Loves it. And also lives near me. So I got all these messages. So I get all these. Look at these.

These are my message requests, Andrew. Right? She literally has hundreds. And then look. Guess which one I stopped at first. Boom. This one. Blue checkmark from this guy 85 000.5

followers he's an actor um i looked what did he say just watch conan and i'd like to say that i am taller than five seven working on things and i didn't realize that i didn't realize plagued me by not having a father while growing up i have great credit and i'm from canada the last one is a bonus talk soon once you've sifted through thousands of like messages lol that's a great message yeah it's nice i i'm not exactly attracted to him um but all in all like that's a great like it shows he listened to the whole interview that he he took it in yeah i don't know i thought that was yeah and then i got another blue check mark from this girl named jess who hosts a podcast with another person from The Bachelor, and they want to have me on their podcast.

So those are the only messages I really got. No, I went to all of them, actually. And they're all very nice, but they're all from guys that live not anywhere close to me. Are you considering, are you saying, so St. Louis? I don't think you mentioned. No, I didn't mention it. St. Louis, New York, or LA are my places that I would look for, or like Paris.

So I guess if you're going to message Nikki, write your location first. If you're not living in St. location, let's go back to chat rooms from AOL, ASL. ASL. And then ASL, YS, yearly salary. Just kidding. I have a great salary. I will support a man.

This is the thing. I realized that I am totally okay being the breadwinner. I don't need a rich man. I just want a man who is not threatened by a woman with money, has his own money that he doesn't need mine, although I will share it with him if I get married, and that just is, just is, uh,

is, is, is secure and happy with his own life. And I don't, and, and doesn't, isn't, uh,

unfulfilled in any way that I can't fill. Yeah. So you're saying like a guy could make 50 grand a year as long as he loves his job. Just kidding. Um, like around there, like,

like, yeah, I just, I don't really, I honestly, I don't care. Honestly, I think I'm going to be financially okay enough that if you are someone who like will take care of me, take care of our house, take care of our animals, take care of like make me feel loved when I get home

and like make my environment feel good to be in, you don't have to work at all. You can actually use my money and invest it in things that might make us money or i i can support your hobbies that will make you happy that will then make me happy because if you're happy you're going to like be very nice to me when i get home from a long day on the set i mean you would think that's the fucking dream but you know what happens ego yeah ego what tell me about that well i think what happens is is it's it's at the end of the day it's they feel like a little bitch yeah but what if it's your money but what if it's our money because that's what i want to spend my money on and like my money

is our money like i will have a prenup for sure but like when we're together our money it's it's our money and i won't look at it like why do women not have an ego about spending their husband's money i've never heard my mom go oh i can't buy that it's your dad's money it's like get over yourself it's our money look i think there will be thousands of guys that'd be love that situation and it doesn't be with a hot girl sugar mama but i just want but you will have to put in the work of making me feel extremely loved and keeping our house nice and tidy and, or,

you know, hiring people to do so and make sure they get in and out on time. I just don't, I don't want to have to like run other shit. A guy doesn't want to hear you come home from work and be like, why isn't the house nice and tidy? That, that would,

that makes it crawl into there. You won't have to hear that if the house is nice and tidy. I know, but look, I think it's a great work all day and pay for everything the house should be nice are you gonna give the guy complete access to your checking account uh yeah like 100 like yeah because yeah but this is a guy that i trust and like know is a good person let's say he goes out and he buys a twenty thousand dollar watch without consoling that wouldn't happen in my relationship that because i wouldn't buys a twenty thousand dollar watch without consoling that wouldn't happen in

my relationship that because i wouldn't buy a twenty thousand dollar watch without being like babe should i get a twenty thousand dollar watch so what's the limit that's what i'm asking though oh i mean like we just have discussions about high price items but it's like i i that wouldn't be um what's the i know but what's the number like okay, okay, I bought a $500 pair of clothes and I got some new shoes and I bought whatever. If those things make you feel better to go to this premiere with me and make you feel better about yourself

so that you're more confident and you want to like fuck me good because you feel like hot and sexy and you maybe got a couple of girls looking at you because you had nice shoes and you come home feeling really like, man, I'm like a man about town and I look sexy. Buy those fucking shoes

and then go down on me about them. I love that. And tap away. But that's my thing though. I think at the end of the day, first and foremost, inside joke. We're on a show right now

where people say first and foremost and at the end of the day, all the time. It is the number one thing that young people say to sound smart. foremost and at the end of the day all the time it is the number one thing that young people say to sound smart well at the end of the day and first and foremost so guys can we just cut that from our our our lexicon yes but my thing is though is like i just feel like as a guy if they were dating you and they felt like they would have to check in on on you for their finances it would it would be tough to do that but if they're buying a twenty thousand dollar watch they might need to check in with me i think that if i were a wife

that was spending my husband's money i wouldn't go buy a twenty thousand dollar bracelet tennis bracelet without checking with him okay so that's what i'm asking like what is the number let's get to the news five thousand let's get to the news four thousand i mean i don't have a number andrew i think it's more about the thing that you're buying and how dumb is it. A fucking watch is dumb to buy $20,000. I am attracted to men

that have $20 watches that are just cool. You don't need a watch. With a blue check mark. But if you love it and it reminds you of your great grandfather or whatever the fuck,

fine. That seems personal. If it makes you feel good enough, this is the bottom line. If you want to buy something that makes you feel confident and in a way that is going to that doesn't make you feel confident in an insecure way but it makes you like oh i like the way this looks on me and i feel happier and i'm going to be a better partner because of the way this makes me feel all for it dope i think that's a great proposition you gave the guys great slide on in slide up make sure you have a blue check mark asl ys asl asl asl okay let's get to the news

oh boy it's coming you heard it here first yeah you heard it here first oh man do we have some good stories for you guys out there? I hope you're having fun and all the swells. Okay, psychological studies support the idea that your music taste says a lot about the way you interpret the world. Ooh, I mean, how could this not be the case? Great story, by the way. Very pertinent to me. Look, musical preferences are actually linked to our cognitive styles our ability to empathize

and personality traits empathy levels are linked to preferences within genres which makes sense i mean if the guy's listening to corn he's probably gonna punch you i don't know what corn lyrics are like they might be very empathetic oh that's it's Can I put in, because that's not true for all the people who listen to heavy metal and corn. It just says that people who like, like more intense music are probably more, uh, logical and have a,

a systemized way of thinking as opposed to slower type of music that ranges from like R andB to soft rock. And those people are like have more of a tendency to empathize. Okay. So this is a Korn lyric. I want to get a twist. I wish we could put twist on a fucking tape. Stupid.

Want to hear it? Fuck you. Fuck you. Huh? Yeah. Goo. Okay. You piece of shit.

Anger inside builds within my body. Why you hit me? What have I done? You tried to hit me scream at me again if you like throw your hate at me with all your might hit me because i'm strange hit me tell me i'm a pussy and you're harder than me what's with you boy think hard a tattooed body to hide who you are scared to be honest be yourself a cowardly man okay first of all there's a lot of emotion in that that is not first of all how did you get my dad's email second of all that's some clown by corn i feel so analytical i just picked a random song

i tried to be like the safest song i was like clown seems like it'll be a fun romp i mean look it's not like it's not rocket science that like you listen to more chill music, you're more chill. But are you listening to chill music because you're murdering babies? This is about empathy, I think. As an empath? As an empath, which is another thing that people say on the show that I'm making a lot. As an empath, I am probably not one because that's just a thing I read. And I was like, wow, that seems like something I should say.

And I just stole it from them. So no, I feel that Taylor's... I was just saying this to my friend the other night. I listen to Taylor Swift to feel my feelings. That's just how I process them. I can't get there on my own. It's like porn for my feelings. And that's why I love her so much is because when I first heard her, I was like, I've never heard music that is so articulate for how I'm feeling. So I feel... It's not like I feel

for her. I feel for myself. I'm able to empathize with myself, which is not something I am good at doing. I don't even know if that's a thing, empathizing with yourself, but I really don't ever do that. I don't let myself go like, you poor thing. And sometimes when I hear her songs, there's a song that I've never even really gotten into of hers. And I heard it the other day, just on my Instagram, on Explore, there was a clip of her singing it. I was like, whoa, these lyrics are like what I'm living right now. And now I'm like super into this new song that I've just always skipped because it just articulated what I'm feeling so well,

better than even I could if I was to journal about it. I feel like next time you're in that state, put on some Slipknot and I wanna see. Just put it on for me and just text me how it makes you feel. Yeah. And just at that moment when you're on a hammock,

just throw on some fucking slipknot. Hey, Nicky, stop being a bitch, you coward little motherfucker. I can't ever understand those screaming men. But, Andrew,

we do it every day when we drive to set. We have a 30-minute drive and I always put on music that is articulating how I feel but also is how I want to feel during the day so we always end with there's some hoes in this house there's some hoes in this house man you fucking with some wet ass pussy it's just such a good like when i'm

feeling like you know a little bit insecure like i put on wet ass pussy and i just feel cardi b makes me feel really empowered and like almost like a man. Like I can have anything I want. I call the shots. Um, my pussy is like gold. Um, you wish you could have it like,

like all these things that are just like not really that true. And, um, well, some of the stuff that you were talking about the other day about like, uh, people saying, Oh,

your comedies, you know, pornographic or whatever yeah but cardi b doesn't give up like leans into that so fucking strong that it probably empowers you to be like no this is what i want to talk about porn stars and cardi b because they lean into being sexual and they're not whores because of it like i feel so often i'm misconstrued as a whore because i talk about sex when really i'm just like someone who wants to talk about something that we all enjoy and that i i want to talk about why i can't do this thing that i love so much and and i'm really just a i'm just a sweet little whore

yeah no but people people's lit like it's taboo and it's like what the fuck are you talking about the song up uh if he had a if he had a twin i would let him run the train which would be a short train and when megan megan the stallion says um uh if he asked my name i'm or like uh if he fuck me he asked whose is it and when i read the dick when i ride the dick i'ma spell my name. That kind of stuff is so funny. They're funny. Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion and so many other rappers are so funny. They are, dude. I always say Eminem was my earliest comedic influence or one of them because he was just so funny and so fast. I feel like that environment affects my music choices way more than it does yours like yeah you want to listen to jack johnson when the waves are crashing honestly i do and i i

know it's cheesy it's not that but if i'm in new york like i'm listening to like more making my way downtown walking fast face as fast as the homebound that's you crossing ninth avenue oh i just picture you listening to that song or the what's the one that would play at the beginning of um i listen to way more sad music in new york at the blank page before you open up the dirty window that's andrew every time he's coming out of the subway and looking around at the big city yeah and then for something and then some bum fucking shits on me and i'm like man i love new york i miss it so much and then it's play plays clown by corn dad why don't you love me you called

me a fucking asshole what's with you boy think hard a tattooed body to hide who you are scared to be honest be yourself you cowardly man hit me clown because i'm not from your town now hit me clown because i'm not from your town oh hit me clown because i'm not from your town oh my god these lyrics are hilarious it's making me in a better mood pull up corn lyrics and sing them to taylor swift songs oh my god that would be fun yes okay next story a michigan man i love this story a michigan man is charged with repeatedly poisoning his co-workers water bottle with antifreeze the victim told police she became suspicious after noticing her water tasted strange so they installed a spy camera and then

they caught him putting green liquid in this is the best the guy claimed he thought he was adding vitamin c drops to his own water bottle that that was his excuse he came up with after oh my god so he's trying to kill her i mean antifreeze and he's saying it's my i'm sure this is a lot of people's like secret fantasy of poisoning someone you work with i know it's slowly yeah um but you would pick like antifreeze is very obvious like yes it's like you're putting a green substance in water like yeah i mean i've heard this with like guys like just want women to like eat their cum so they'll like drop cum and their food at work and stuff just gross guys i thought you meant they drink antifreeze and then you eat their cum and then you get antifreeze through what do you use antifreeze

on on windshield wipers is that the windshield wiper fluid no i don't know oh no no do you know yeah it is yeah he's a that'd be weird if she was like she first noticed when um she saw her co-worker alex uh using his windshield wiper and there wasn't a lot of fluid coming out and she thought where's the rest of it and then she felt like it must be in his cum um this guy's insane i mean i i realized like i always had an excuse lined up for if i got caught for anything illegal i used to do i always had the plan to why i was like oh my god i accidentally left this bracelet on i i was trying it on and i left it on i didn't mean to steal it you know like i always had an out um but i don't do anything illegal anymore or like if i get now when i smoke pot and it's illegal and it's like out in public i just go all right well i'll just be like oh i was smoking pot like i can't i just i got the bracelet i bought this bracelet they're

like you're smoking pot ma'am i don't buy the bracelet so i like i would just be caught i just have to like when i do something illegal now i just go okay if you're caught you're caught there's no like there's no planning excuses well i got caught my house i i you know i lost all my money and they tried to uh foreclose on my house so this guy would show up because i stopped paying the mortgage you bought a house i bought a condo okay and and and uh the guy tried because i stopped paying they were trying to foreclose on me and i had like court ordered oh my god this is so funny he would show up at my house every morning at 7 a.m and i would hide in the bathroom i'd hide in the shower and my excuse when i would eventually go to court was i was in the shower i didn't hear him and one time sir you

smell like you haven't showered in 40 you smell like like yeah and so he goes one day he's looking through the window he goes hey man i i see you going in there every time like i see you're i see you going in the bathroom and at that point i was like yeah you caught you got me like yeah it was like the worst like i was in the shower like that's like used to behave so hilariously before so loft and before you like got your life together when you used to hook up with you would hook up with a girl and you would be so nervous when you would see her out in public that you would pretend you were invisible is one of the weirdest things I've ever heard. Andrew, was that a,

we were at a Sephora one day. Sephora buying cologne. And this girl that I hooked up with like a few weeks before that was like three people behind me. And while I was paying in my mind, I convinced myself I was invisible that she didn't see me. But boy was I, it was pretty obvious.

I really thought that like you really were like, that's how I have to survive this interaction. And it wasn't like you were trying to avoid her. She's clinging and I don't want to see her. You just had anxiety. So often when women were like, he fucking ignored me. It's not that. It's not because he doesn't like you. It's because he has such anxiety. He's pretending

he's invisible like a toddler. Yeah. Also, I didn't like her. Okay. Next story. Norwegian researchers find that regret does not keep people from avoiding future one-night stands. Regret does not keep people from avoiding future one-night stands. That they'll repeat their, even if they regret it, they're going to repeat their decisions, their horrible decisions. Well, not horrible i think regret actually pushes you

into further uh repetitive behavior of the thing you regret because the reason you do things like i was saying about like eating the cookies that you don't eat you have a you have a thing of cookies and you're like i want to save these for the weekend for the kids for the family i'll have a couple and you go you know what i'm just gonna open them on the way home from the grocery store. I'll have two. Then you have two and you go, let me just have a third because that wasn't enough. I'm going to have a third. And then you feel bad about that third. You went over your limit. Oh no. Then you feel bad and you have regret. And that feeling of regret needs to be calmed and soothed. And what drug do you have to soothe it? What distraction? More Oreos or whatever. So then you eat the rest of the bag.

So the feeling of regret causes more behavior of the thing that you already regret. So the regret does not help in literally any way. It is a worthless feeling. And I refuse to have it anymore. I really don't. I laugh when I have it and I ignore it. But I don't have regret anymore. Why? You're biting your nail? Because I have it and I ignore it, but I don't have regret anymore. Why are you biting your nail?

Because I have a little piece of skin like that. Oh, yeah. I think it just goes back to when I used to drink and you'd be so hungover in that day of the hangover. You're like, I'm never going to drink again. And then the next day comes, you go, okay, I maybe might not drink again. And then by the third day, you have completely forgot about that regret regret breeds uh anxiety which then leads to more destructive behavior yeah and you and you like that feeling actually what i mean i miss sometimes that feeling of of

being hung over and just really because it kind of makes you feel... Entitled to do more destructive things? There was something about being hungover where I knew what it was. Like, I knew what that pain was. Oh, so you weren't opichondriac, like, I'm dying feeling? Yeah, yeah. So now when you feel sick, you're like, I'm dying. I mean, I used to, but I'm actually pretty good with it now. I kind of laugh at my hypochondria.

It's time for some celeb news. Why do I care? All right, Andrew, why do I care today? Kim Kardashian is the 2,674th on the list of Forbes billionaires, which is the largest it has ever been after growing her business empire with a shapewear line. Why do you care, Nick? I really don't't i don't care i think billionaires are gross um and i think it's a sad pursuit and i think it's too much money for any person to have i don't think i think billionaires should be illegal and um i hope she donates 10 of her wealth but she probably won't because billionaires get to be billionaires because they're greedy and that's more money than they could ever spend in a lifetime on themselves and their loved ones and i think wealth is disgusting

and i think now with more billionaires and kim kardashian being now the and kylie being this face of like you could be a billionaire too it's just like makes your self-worth about how much you earn and it's just and i you know asl y but like, I don't want it to be a billion. I just think it's just too much money and it's gross. And then what's crazy is like billionaires, like these rich people,

they, they do better during the pandemic. Like they've never done better than the last year and a half. Yeah. Which is, it's all,

it's greed. If you're a billionaire, you're gross to me. You're pretty, like, but is it something as a woman being a billionaire who no i don't care i think it's all gross i don't think women should aspire to be billionaires i don't think men should

i just think it's i think it's literally it should be illegal to be a billionaire i think there should be a cap and but now she's going to law school and she can focus on herself finally great guess what she's not gonna she's it's like the blue checkmark. Paris Hilton said this to me. She was like, her goal was to always be worth $100 million, and now it's a billion dollars. It will always get more. It'll never be enough. No one's ever going to be satisfied with the amount of money. It's a to feel better. But unless you're using that money to actually change the world and not just like get one guy out of prison one time. And then we all like say you're like a saint, which I'm sure you do a lot. I actually think she's a good person. But she needs to distribute that wealth. I told someone that I got a blue checkmark and they're like, wow, maybe you'll become

the person. Have you seen the people with two blue checkmarks? That's like wow maybe you'll become the person uh have you seen the people with two blue check marks that's what they said to me oh my god and it goes right to that and i go are you fucking are you there's people and that's the billion that's 100 millionaire finding about billionaires yeah and you're just never satisfied and never enough i look i'd be honest i swear to you i think i'd be satisfied with $5 million. That's all I need. That's more than you need.

That's more than anyone needs. I'm just saying I don't need a billion. $5 million is so much goddamn money. You don't need that much. Can I have it? Here's the thing. I just don't want... I really... You don't want like i really you don't want five million dollars i mean i would so i can build things for and save animals and donate it i would i really will give away most of my wealth not most of my wealth but like you know a big portion of it

because it's just like that's your job when you get rich. You've been lucky enough to skirt through life. And I don't care if you're self-made, you're not self-made. You were born in America, which is a place where you had more, yes, I'm sure you grew up in poverty and your parents were blue collar workers and you got yourself, you support yourself and you push yourself and you got the scholarships and everything. You aren't actually self-made. You got lucky being born in America. You're not in this, you know, South Sudan as a young girl who had a clitorectomy and can't go get schooling. Like you lucked out not being her. So like this whole thing of like, I did it myself. It's all luck. It's all luck. Good for you. I'm glad you did all those things, but everything you get is luck. I don't attribute any of my success to I'm such a hard worker.

I was I it's lucky that I was born someone who can work harder than other people. It's all luck. Nothing is me doing it. I truly believe it's just not as cool of a story. It isn't, but it's true. All right. Let's move on. Started from the top and now close to the bottom.

No, I'm really excited for you for your blue checkmark. I everyone to be happy out there i'm not trying to be negative it's just how i think no i think that's honest and i think and it's a good i learned it from sam harris he was talking about people who say like who are self-made any of these people who claim to be you know kylie jenner got fucking trashed for you you know, Forbes calling her a self-made billionaire, which is is is laughing, but like is a laughing matter. But literally anyone who thinks herself made, you're not. You were you didn't choose to be born in America where you have these opportunities or wherever you were born. You're lucky that you weren't born a bug that was smashed on the sidewalk. So you didn't choose any of this.

You just got lucky. No, I worked hard. You got lucky being born for a person who has able-bodied enough to work hard and stay up late and work like all these things are left. These could be corn lyrics. Yeah, dad,

you clown. I'm going to, you're like a bug smashed on the sidewalk. Fuck you coward. You didn't earn it. Just a fucking little, just a fucking little scared to be honest be yourself a cowardly man what's with you boy think hard a tattooed body to hide who you are

that's corn okay that's actually good i feel like better now all right let's get to our segment yesterday i learned and this is usually something that i get from reddit there's a reddit subcat or a reddit there's a sub reddit called yeah uh today i learned and it's all just like interesting facts that you didn't know until someone posts them on reddit i really love it and i was just looking through reddit today to find out one so this is not yesterday i learned even though the segment is called yesterday i learned this what i did learn this today no i just want to be honest with people is that okay that's fine it's always good to peek behind the curtain sometimes yeah well this is something i should have known your boyfriend said do you

oh yeah peek behind those curtains see if you can find my clit you can't betty white did you know that we just weren't talking about betty white i know we were talking about how cocaine is called jaheel white yeah jaleel white no it's called urkel he said some people call cocaine urkel because it's like jaleel white was urkel you said jaheel but i don't know what that why you can't get that right jaleel white and i go because the white what's with the jaleel part and they're like he's like no it's like cocaine's white and i'm like well why couldn't it be betty white and then you just say gold you want to snort some golden girls and you're like what was her character's name on golden girls and we couldn't come up with it and i go why can't you just call

it betty you want to do some betty and people are like what's betty and you're like cocaine because betty white it's too it's too quick to get to white yeah and urkel's a funnier word okay this is crazy about betty white betty white hosted a five and a half hour long live talk show six days a week from 1949 to 1953 holy shit Hollywood on television was a five and a half hour six days a week

live television show starring newcomer Betty White and radio disc jockey Al Jarvis that ran from 1949 to 1953 this is the Wikipedia that is insane it's like a telethon and radio disc jockey Al Jarvis that ran from 1949 to 1953. This is Wikipedia. That is insane. It's like a telethon every day.

How is that possible? That boggles my mind about this business. That woman's still around, right? And we don't even know that about her. Think of the things people used to do and the shows, the fame that people used to have. You look up Oscar winners from 1977 or even 1982 people used to do and the shows the fame that people used to have like you go back to you look up oscar winners from like 1977 or even like 1982 and there are names that you wouldn't recognize

and they are they were huge stars then it just it makes you i sometimes look that stuff up to remember that like all of this is so fleeting and that fame really there's oscar winners from five years ago you wouldn't even know their name. Yeah, yeah. But what does that do to you? Does that make you sad? Like, do you compare us doing this hour show, Monday through Thursday,

to Betty White doing that five and a half hours? No, you know, it makes me go, oh, wow, like my compulsion to broadcast constantly is not something new due to this digital age of being able to do that all the time like people are capable of that uh other people like are you scared though that you're gonna be forgotten like no i do feel like well i've talked to other comedians why do you work so hard well i want my name to live on you know after me or you know they say shit like that yeah

it's not gonna live on i i always think about how when the world is like eventually barack obama me and abraham lincoln will all be forgotten by everyone who is alive or who isn't alive like someday we will all be the same we will just we will be a faint memory like not even a memory like if the world keeps going and like there's people who existed that a thousand years ago that were like the biggest deal and no one knows what they look like you know like there's no there's entire civilizations where there was probably like the the hottest guy or like the most famous guy in pompeii we don't know who that was and he had a blue check mark there's just one temple that we

find underneath dirt yeah we're like a dog and a girl like holding a dog and now she's like the most famous person from from pompeii of like covered in ashes but it really was this like influencer named um uh i'm trying to do something like Dan Blazarian, but like Egyptian. Is Pompeii in Egypt? No. It's in Italy? I guess we'll never know. I think it's Netherlands.

I think Rome. Oh, it's in Rome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I mean, you go to Rome. What is kind of cool about going to Rome is you actually see the historical shit. Like, I was in the Colosseum. Like, you see, like, it's wild.

Did you get box seats? I did. I got box seats. I got hooked up. Yeah, it's pretty dope. Before get box seats? I did. I got box seats. I got hooked up. Yeah, it's pretty dope. Before that blew? I watched a tiger kill a fucking gladiator. Cool.

Did you have, like, was there a cool halftime show where, like, a gay guy came out? Yeah, the weekend came out, and everyone's like, who the fuck is this guy? And then he just, he had a t-shirt cannon. They didn't even have, like, weeks back then. So the weekend in ancient Roman times was like. Oh, it's not the singer to weekend it was the actual weekend saturday and sunday came out right so when the sun was up longer that i don't even know how they they did the weekends back in it was the it was by betty white we don't know anything

my point is it's like i get what you're saying like you're forgotten like what's the point of anything betty white is still around and like she had that like she was and we've already forgotten about that we don't give her any credit for that not that anyone deserves credit for anything because again no one does ever it's just all luck but like lady gaga will be not that known about in 30 or 40 years kids will be like oh my god in 30 or 40 years. Kids will be like, oh my God, they'll think of her like the way we think of, I mean, I guess Cher, it'll be the same thing.

So I'm trying to think of someone that was like really famous, like a heartthrob. Oh, like for instance, if you look at, what's the movie with Tom Cruise and Kevin Bacon, the pilots, Top Gun? Top Gun, yeah. Top Gun. So they're doing the remake of it yeah the woman that was the heartthrob in that movie is now um like a character you'd see on the office like a a woman on the

office if you know what i'm saying like just like a woman in the background that like is like that's the only kind of role she would play they're still playing these heartthrob guys this woman who was like everyone jerked off to the hottest woman alive like no one even knows her name now she was the jessica alba of her time and it's not that's not me making a feminist stance of like men get it so easy because there are a lot of heartthrob men that are forgotten about now mickey rourke used to be like a sex symbol mar Marlon Brando was like so hot. And then he turned into like a bloated, like drunk, I think. I don't know. I'm just guessing.

But like people lose their, but just to be something that's such a big deal. Like that's why I never let anything go to my head in terms of like, wow, you're so hot right now because it's going to be taken away. I mean, I think what we're learning here is that whether it's, whether it's fame or money, those shouldn't be your pursuits because none of that at the end of the day matters but what does matter does the the uh the process like no actual work is that you you bring happiness to others and you make other people's fleeting time on this world as good as it can be and you help people feel good and do good unto others

so that we can all, for this brief time we're on this world, feel as good as possible. As my favorite person, Sam Harris says, every person you know will lose every person they love, no matter what, whether they'll die and they'll lose everyone or they'll be the last to die and they'll lose everyone they know and love. Think about that. Everyone, you know, including yourself will lose everyone and everything, you know, and love.

But here's the thing. I might die. So why not be as kind and try to spread as much kindness as possible? That being said, I will still talk trash on people because I have an ego and it gets the best of me sometimes. But at the end of the day, first and i might die for what it's for my blue check mark will also die too because instagram is probably gonna be yeah i mean you're getting one at the very tail end of it did you get a blue check mark on instagram too uh on tiktok on a blue check mark on instagram or or uh uh twitter too no i haven't tried that one all right well andrew has a blue check mark follow him on there we're very happy for you let's do a final thought i i love this

show today uh i hope everyone had fun a lot no preach you don't preach you're you i feel like what's great about you is like you're coming to these realizations right now like it feels very like current yeah i am like you don't know the answer but the end of this show like we have nine days left filming this show that i've spent you know seven weeks of my life on and i've made like so many close friends and just i love this job i wish it could last forever um and it can't and I've accepted that and it's just kind of like life like you don't get to you can't take it with you like things end and I'm just trying to stay in the present instead of going like I'm gonna miss it so much I'm just trying to stay with like gratitude that it happened now and like not spend not

wasting the present thinking about the future when i'm going to be in pain missing this and just really trying to realize like this is a metaphor for life the show and that it will come to an end and maybe we'll get to do a second season in a different place but it'll be different people it won't be the same but that's okay because it that's that's what life is you You can't keep going forever. There is something about being here on the island, shooting a show, where it's kind of drinking that cup from Indiana Jones.

We don't feel like we're aging here. We're kind of just... The whole stay is the show. I don't know any news. I don't know anything what's going on with my family. But I don't feel like I could die here. No, nothing can happen here. You're on the island.

It's like literally nothing. It's because the thing is- That's what you're afraid of losing. If I get canceled or if something does happen, I can just stay here and escape it. It doesn't feel like there's climate change here. Even though lizards are not as abundant as the road signs would suggest.

There's crossing lizard signs everywhere. Haven't seen a fucking iguana yet. They used to be everywhere, and now they're nowhere. There's just tons of chickens here, which I love. They never looked both ways. They've been hit a lot by cars.

Yeah, why did the lizard cross the road? It didn't because it got run over by a car, and now they're kind of probably extinct due to changing probably extinct due to changing climate due to carbon emissions from human activity noah you look confused uh well i was i'm just thinking about what you said about the show wrapping up and i'm wondering if this is kind of something that people don't consider about being part of like tv and hollywood and all of that because you act you go through

this a lot on shows that you feel really passionate about it becomes your world and then it kind of comes to an end yes every but it really is like any job you know whether you're like a doctor and you work at a hospital forever and you retire after 45 years or whatever it's like that will end too um everything ends and it is sad and and i'm nine days away i'm like already getting depressed and i don't want to be i just want to just be like i still have nine days that's a long time that's a really great length of a vacation and not to mention we're gonna have another seven days after that but um so you should be happy about that. That's true.

But I still want good to go to work. But think about how lucky we are where, yes, everything ends, but we also get new beginnings. And I know that's like a cheesy saying, but there is something to know that like so many people, their ending is just their end. And then now it's like garden work. No, it never is like that. You can always look at endings as new beginnings. Like yesterday when we lost that podcast, I was like,

that's, I'm glad that happened because the fact that we're doing a new one, something's going to come out of this that wouldn't have happened. So every, literally everything you lose in life, you can find a silver lining as trite as that sounds. But I just, I know it's true.

I just know it's true. My point being is like we get to have more beginnings than a lot of other people in the sense of like and i'm probably hiring two of the girls on this show to like move to st louis and two dumb bitches yeah so they're the best two dumb bitches shout out jen and robin jen and robin we know you're listening i love you so much um we gotta go i gotta go to set and live my ninth to last day here working on the show i mean we went to we had the day off yesterday we worked harder yesterday than we have the whole time i know and then you helped me with conan and then we did two podcasts and then we just sat around set all day and like the people

they were shooting stuff that did not involve me and then thus didn't involve andrew so we're just like lounging on this beautiful daybed like looking at the water like just being pieces of shit while there's crew around us setting up shots and like it was they're like why are you guys you're still here yeah but i was chatting up the crew i got to know all these crew that i haven't met yet and i got to hear their stories of how they got here and like why they picked this job and i was like do you like this job and i was so funny because i'm asking them about their job noah and i'm like so do you like why'd you pick this is this something that you picked early on and then you just like kind of stuck with it because it was like all

you were doing and like are you having fun do you enjoy it and they're like yeah yeah and i go would you like if your kids wanted to go into this work would you have them they all were like no god no and i go okay well that answers my question like you're like would you rather hold that 80 pound camera or lay on this day bed they said it was all about they go i just wouldn't want my kids to have the back issues i have now because of all the equipment I've carried. And I'm like, I guarantee you have fucked up your back from carrying equipment. But I think I got a book that I can send you. And so I'm sending them Healing Back Pain by Dr. John Sarno.

And I gave them all a TED Talk about the book. So pick up that book if you have back pain. Healing Back Pain by Dr. John Sarno. We'll see you tomorrow. We have one more show this week. I can't believe it's only one. I could do this show seven days a week. don't tell me we could betty white it we could betty white best friends thank you so much for listening thank you so much for listening

thank you for following our instagram which by the way if you follow nikki glazer pod uh on instagram there's like exclusive content on there that i don't put up on my personal ones because i feel like there's too many people to like comment mean things to me but my best friends that follow the account um we keep it private because we don't want people who don't listen to the podcast to be on it so if you do request make sure it's because you listen to at least one episode which if you're hearing this you have so you are uh through and we will accept your request Nikki Glazer pod uh please keep rating reviewing we have like 800 and something reviews on itunes podcasts or apple podcasts and thank you so much for those i even made a review yesterday i said this is nikki and

this is my podcast but i do recommend it and um so just give me a give me a review and a um and five stars or however many stars you you see fit but if you want to give less than five stars i would probably guess that there's really no point in reviewing. Just be nice. Only compliments. Go watch my Conan from yesterday. It's on YouTube. It's 30 minutes long. And go follow Andrew T. Collin because he's verified now

and it will feel good to follow that blue checkmark. See you tomorrow. Joel, the holidays are a blast but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel.

And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show,

and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast. And now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynchch delaney rowe and cord jefferson listen to mini questions on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts seven questions limitless answers you are cordially invited to the hottest party in professional sports.

I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Woman sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party that's P-A-R-T-E-E

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As we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world.

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