The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #111 Partner in TV Watching

Episode Date: September 30, 2021

Between you and Nikki she is pondering the potential of finding a new roommate or living alone. Andrew loves Nikki's electric outfit which she put on to make a point. They talk about their aging underparts and talk more about a decision that was made. You Heard It Here First, charisma is a good characteristic, personal robots will get your name wrong and a reading of a cringe sext exchange. They overshare in The Blankest Thing segment when they discuss the horniest thing they've ever done and close the show by sharing final thoughts on horned up men! Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF. And me, Mandy B. As we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love.

Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, then tune into my podcast, Building One. I speak with some of the best product builders out there. I've always been inspired by frustration. It came back to my own personal pinpoint.

So we had to go out to farmers and convince them. Following that curiosity is a superpower. You have to be obsessed with the human condition. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry.

I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am Good morning everyone You know, whatever time of day it is I always say good morning It's not even morning here, I don't even know why I say that

Welcome to the show, it's Nikki Glaser Podcast It's Wednesday Oh man Noah, how are you this morning? Good I have like my caffeine rush rush i know i just like perfect timing had mine i'm like coming out of mine but i'm getting uh whenever i start the podcast i get back into like kind of a caffeinated uh frenzy um i'm just very excited about it um

yeah i i just spent a lot of time talking to Andrew. We kind of discussed maybe him moving out at the end of the year and getting a place nearby. And then I'm trying to wrap my head around, like, okay, who can I convince to come live here with me in his stead? Like, I just, I don't know, Anya and Matt were here this past weekend, and I'm like, I know that Anya and Matt were both like,

it's pretty like, Anya was like, it's great here. Like, she like looked at my neighborhood, she's like, you have a Starbucks? And like, that's really all we need. She's like, you just, this is the cutest little, like, part of town,

and like, they just were, she was enchanted by it, and it's beautiful weather right now and everything's just like looks idyllic idyllic um but you know she should come back in like february and see if she still would want to be here but it's also cold as fucking new york you know and so i asked her yesterday i was like will you guys move here because she can't come as visit as much as i want her to because, oh, I'm losing so much hair. I just pulled out three strands. And before this, I was pulling out clumps. I mean, I didn't wash my hair from Saturday until yesterday.

So I'm reasoning that a lot is coming out from that time. Not stressing out about it like I used to. It's going to be okay. Yeah, I'm trying to get her to move here and I got Andrew to move here and I'm thinking about who could I get to fill that bedroom because I could live alone but and I'd probably I'll see how it goes maybe if he moves out for a little bit to live alone but I'll probably want someone oh there's the band-aid that I was looking for it It's on my shoe.

I thought it went down my drain. And I was like, god damn it, that's going to clog. Yeah, it's just like I maybe, I don't know who I could move in here and who I'd want to live with. It's quite a commitment. I wasn't even sure I wanted to do a living situation with Andrew. It's tough living with a best friend. Yes. You know, obviously, like, stuff has transpired between us that wasn't fun.

But we got through it. And now we're pretty harmonious living together. But I don't know. When Kirsten was here this past weekend, I would wake up in the morning feeling like Pete Diddy. No, I would wake up in the morning and or I'd come home at night. Like, one night I stayed at – I went to the Rolling Stones concert the other night and she didn't go. And I came home and everyone was already in bed. And the place was like the counters were clean.

Like it just like looked like I was like, oh, a girl lives here. Like it just wasn't. The surfaces were clean. There wasn't like smudges everywhere. And Andrew's a smudgy guy. And listen, I'm a stained person. It's been a while. And so I don't begrudge him. But it would be nice to live with someone who's super clean. That might impact me because I'm not as clean as a super clean person. But maybe I could learn a thing or two. But I would just like to, it'll be,

I'm almost nervous to live alone to see what I'm like left to my own devices and by devices I mean Apple TV and my Roku have you thought about like rotating friends like seasonally maybe well that would rely that would be I need a friend who just needs temporary place to live in which case they're homeless in which case that's you know I mean like I I was thinking I would love to live with Kirsten but this isn't college anymore she's married I'd love to live with you you're in a partnership you live with your like everyone that's why I picked Andrew he was the only single friend of mine um I know Carlisle would be down because she lives in a studio apartment in LA with her boyfriend and they're, you know, she's just so, they've been in this box together for

a while. And I know that it would be, uh, a nice little change. So that could be something or maybe I just need to make a new friend and, and bring them on in or, um, my mom can come stay for a little bit. I don't know. I do know about that that's a no um but maybe i can live alone and just have a third bedroom uh and i can just get more animals i don't know but it's it's it's nice to have lived with andrew for a year like that can't just go on forever and I'm happy for him that he wants to

even because I even said are you gonna maybe move in with the GF and he was like I don't think so I think it's too soon but I think they might be talking about it so um yeah we'll see um I did go to the Rolling Stones did I talk about going to the Rolling Stones the other night oh yeah we talked about Turkey a little bit Jagger yeah that was like so they did like a tribute to Charlie Watts the drummer that passed away at the beginning of the show it was their first show without him it's the first show of this tour and this is their first tour ever without him and so that was wild and it was just really cute they were all just mix like holding keith's hand and then the other guy

and they're all just like touchy-feely with each other and just sweet I mean there's they know each other better than anyone I know because they've known each other longer than I've been alive so like their connection is something I don't even understand um and it's yeah I hope Andrew and I go on tour someday and sell out the dome or wherever I was uh yeah it was I mean they're they if they're going on tour right now go see it it's worth it I went to go see it because I was like I was fucking so tired it was the day after my show here I worked in the recording studio all day long on Sunday and I was like I gotta go to Rolling Stones tonight because my parents originally had really dope tickets from their friend who's like a commissioner of St. Louis and um then they

couldn't go and so they were like do you want to go and I'm like I can't pass up the Rolling Stones it's kind of like the thing that you go they're not gonna be around forever actually I think Mick Jagger might outlive us but um I just, you can't pass that up. And it ended up being really, like, Anya ended up going with me and so did Matt. And she was crying a lot. And not just because of the Charlie Watts tribute, but it's just, it's so cool to see their enthusiasm for these songs that they've been playing so much. I can't get out of my head in these kinds of things. That's why I don't like Broadway.

Because I just know that they do nine shows a week and I'm just thinking like how sick of this they are I'm projecting because when I used to do plays I'd be like oh another one and sometimes when I do stand up I think that um not right now on my tour because I don't I have so many jokes to pull from that I can switch it up for myself and make it not boring because I don't I have so many jokes to pull from that I can switch it up for myself and make it not boring but I don't know I do you ever think about that when you go to watch a performance like especially Vegas like you know the the people doing all the acrobatics with the long sheets and things the Cirque du Soleil stuff I'm like god they're so bored and you almost like resent the enthusiasm of like your audience that's like,

I hate the Blue Man Group. And they're just like, oh God, I've been drumming on these paint drums for fucking two decades. What am I, like, they're thinking about other things. They're not like present. It felt like the Rolling Stones, however, were present and they were enjoying it,

even though there's no way that they were actually as, maybe, I don't want to say there's no way that they were actually as, maybe, I don't want to say there's no way. I really doubt, like, how do you have enthusiasm to sing a song, Satisfaction, when you have been singing that every single day and you hear it everywhere you go? I mean, I've heard that song four times since I went to the concert, just like at restaurants and stuff. How do you, how do you have enthusiasm for it? How do you fake it and the audience goes, oh my God, he's really enjoying himself. But I mean, I think maybe they actually were excited

because it was kicking off this tour. It was after COVID. But I don't know. That's why I don't go to Broadway shows because I just, I can't get out of the fact that they might not be enjoying themselves. What if like Keith Richards and Mick Jagger just had really, really shitty jobs

at some point in their life, and they're just so grateful they never have to do those jobs again, and that's how they keep it together? You can't keep gratitude going that long for perspective of a shitty job. I mean, they've been in a successful band since the 60s, you know?

So it's like there's no way that they are like still like man i just go back to the days when i was you know working the register at pita pit and there's just no way that they they can still pull that but i do think that they are were able to be happy they were genuinely happy i can i feel like i can see through bullshit and i was able to have a good time because I wasn't in my head about like oh they don't want to be doing this they're old he just wants to like lay down for a second like why is he still doing this who's making him do this um they all genuinely still seem to love it but I guess I'm just projecting of like I I hate when I go get my hair done and the woman doing my hair is like oh I can't wait for the weekend this week it's just like oh when people talk about like oh god I can't wait till this day

is over I'm like you're still waiting on me and you have to like now I feel bad that you're working like I don't like I just want everyone to enjoy the work they're doing especially if they're working for me so that I don't feel like bad for them like if I'm getting a massage and she's like oh I'm so looking for the weekend I need a break I'm like you know what just take a break now because I know you're miserable massaging my foot or whatever you know I mean does that do does that affect you when people complain like that like sometimes I listen to a like you know I don't know even thinking that hearing Chandler on the Friends recap say, and I didn't even watch that, you know, the Friends reunion, but he said he used to have like extreme anxiety

about like, will this line get a laugh? Oh my God, I'm so nervous. I'm going to fail. Like he had whole seasons where he was not enjoying himself. He was just in hell. And now I go back and watch Friends and it's taken some of the joy out of it for me because I just know this person was miserable the whole time. And Taylor Swift, you know, when she was on the 1989 tour, very, you know, thin friends with all these supermodels, you watch her documentary and that was like a really hard time in her life where she was like starving herself, overworking and just exhausted and it's hard for me to look at that and and like watch those concert clips and know that she was like in pain it like takes something out of it for me if that makes any sense um do you relate to that

at all yeah you know i um if i'm interacting in in person with um i don't know someone like a grocery store or something and they just appear to be having a bad day i don't get upset about it i just kind of try to empathize and just understand okay i've i've been there so i'll just let them have their their moment and not ask too many questions or be a nuisance. But if there's someone, like I was thinking about the last time I went to Ace Hardware, and one of the employees helped me with a wrench, and he just knew so much about it,

and at one point I was just kind of blacking out and not hearing him anymore because I didn't understand, but I was like, okay, just let him keep going. He's having a good time. Yeah, that's so nice when someone really enjoys what they do like that. Like where you go, God, I could never muster any enthusiasm for this job. But these people seem to be enjoying it. There was an email that went out to everyone that lives in my building that said, you know, October 4th is Maintenance Worker Appreciation Day.

And so we're going to do like a bulletin board and have, you know, like a celebration for everyone who takes care of this building. And this building is really well maintained. It's clean. It's just like clean. I don't know. Like the trash room is like spotless. Like it's rare that a trash room, you feel like almost like it's a, it's a safe space to go into from my own apartment. I'm like,

oh, I'm going to the trash room. It's going to be so clean and like smell good. So my building is like great and they do a great job. And this email went out that said, hey, if you want to write a message to anyone or like say anything to them we'll post like the comments on the bulletin board I don't even know what they're gonna do with it I kind of did I skimmed the email but I was like putting it off because I was like oh I really want to write like a really good thing to tell them like I want to spend a lot of time on it and then I'm just putting it off because I'm like I don't have enough time to make it as good as possible so then I just opened up my email I was like just send off something because it's quickly approaching and I don't have enough time to make it as good as possible so then I just opened up my email I was like just send off something because it's quickly approaching and I don't want to miss out

on it and um and I just wrote like you know thank you so much for keeping our space clean and taking pride in your work even if you know it seems like something I said something like you know it it shows that you guys take pride in your work and i'm sure some people are like i don't take pride in fucking vacuuming your hallway that i could never afford to live here with how much i get paid to do this and like it there's part of me that goes why should they take pride in this like like i was saying the other day when people bitch about kfc workers not being nice or starbucks employees being rude it's well, they shouldn't be nice. They don't get paid a living fucking wage. And I'm, you know, but that's, I kind of felt like,

don't just assume these people take pride. But whatever's going on, this building runs great. And I just wanted to make them feel, I love that my building's even celebrating them. It's so sweet because they are always nice and they are always nice to my dog and I just wrote a thing and I'm wondering if I can like donate a gift card or something that I don't even know I don't know how many there are because that's when you get into territory of like

then you got to buy all of these things so I don't know what I can do but um I do you know if everyone just did what they loved we wouldn't have garbage men but maybe there are people out there that love picking up garbage and love like the the helping the community and keeping the community there I'm sure there's people that are passionate about that but you know not every job is going to be something that people can find purpose in and uh and in a job that makes them not look forward to the weekend every you know most people even I look forward to a break, even though I enjoy my job. So maybe I shouldn't take it so personally. I don't know.

And again, maybe I'm just projecting because I really am sensitive about when I'm on stage to not if I'm having a bad day. I don't want to tell the audience or if I'm depressed, like back when I had to do our podcast last year and I was going through a terrible depression, I couldn't be anything about honest about the pod, like being depressed. I don't think I ever, I could have maybe said, I hope I never said,

I don't want to do this podcast right now. Like that, because sometimes I hear people making entertainment and they say like I don't want to be here right now I'm just like there's then I don't want to listen to this like then don't because then what's the point no one needs you to do this and it's like okay well I have a contract or whatever but um I just want my entertainers to be happy I can't but that's the bottom line like if i go to a show and i sense it all that they're like unhappy that makes me so mad when you learn someone you know

i know of a couple people that are nightmares to work with and on camera they're just pleasant and fun and then the camera stops and they're not cool and that that's that's a form of this, of not being authentic and deceiving your audience. That's why I've made this tour with my best friends, because I want to be in the best mood for my audience. Because if I'm having a good time, even if I'm not funny, if I'm having a good time, they'll have fun. And that's not to say, some people just go on stage and get wasted, and they're having a good time because they're wasted but it's a sloppy show but if you're not wasted present having a good time you can honestly not be funny and people will still laugh and have a good time with you the key is get to a place where you're enjoying it and enjoyment is infectious um so that's and obviously that's why i designed this podcast to be something i always look forward

to and i truly have never dreaded this podcast not even once yet i mean knock on fucking wood i don't have any wood around me but um count the stairs running up from my parents basement whatever that one girl did superstition thing um i just yeah it's it's such i'm it's i'm so privileged that i have a job that feels so good and that I'm actually like, I look forward to going there in the morning. And by going there, I mean walking into the bedroom that is one foot from my door. Don't come and murder me. Not that that gives the coordinates of where I live or anything, but please don't.

Let's get Andrew in here and get into the rest of the show. Andrew! 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah. Whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can

retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight

straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed?

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please.

Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him

and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts i started to live a double life when i was a teenager responsible and driven and wild and out of control my head is pounding i'm confused I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction.

Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community, and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey

through addiction and recovery, a story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly

neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-t-e-e on the iHeartRadio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts presented by Capital One founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports what up dawg how's it going how'd you sleep last night

i mean that outfit is electrifying what okay thank you i. I bought it in Florida when we were there in West Palm. I bought it at Saks. It was a set. It's fucking badass. Thanks, man. It's a little too much, but I decided to wear it today. I don't think it's enough. Can you describe?

I mean, I think this is like. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You got to subscribe for our audio listeners. Maybe we give certain audio listeners like, hey, you got to go on YouTube if you want to see it in three days. Yeah. Yeah.

If you want to know what I was wearing. So I won't describe it at all. No, no, no. You can describe it. It's hot pink. I mean, I thought I was describing it. Oh, sorry. It's hot, hot pink.

And it's spandexy. Okay. And the shoulders are showing. The shoulders are showing. You guys. Your shoulders are showing. It's a cropped tank top. Yeah.

And then it's a long hot pink. And then it is a long leggings, also the same color. I don't even think YouTube will do it justice, though. It might be the brightest outfit I've ever seen. Yeah. I mean, my spray tan is perfect. So it just looks like I can't wear this if I'm paling out. And so my spray tan's pretty popping right now and i saw some

picture i put up a picture yesterday of um me recording in the studio and i looked really flat chested and i just want to i think that people are gonna be like she stuffs her bra so and i my boobs are kind of hanging out of this top and i'm not wearing it to be like look i have boobs but like here's some fucking proof so you are wearing it to show you i'm not i really am not doing that it it just happened i was like should i put on a bra underneath this then i was like no who fucking cares but i what i didn't specifically do it i just put on this and i go oh it looks like i have boobs and i go actually that picture yesterday looked like i was flat so i bet i need to i need

to up i need to inform the public i love that your tits are like flat earthers like they're like no she's flat i swear it's flat. And they're like, no, they're round. Oh, my God. They're round. You're so right. Yeah. I mean, someday, like I was saying on the show the other day, when you're wearing a bralette with a shirt underneath it,

your boobs just lay flat. They look amazing naked flat, but they lay flatter. And so from the side, it looks like you don't have any chest. And not that having no chest is a bad thing. I just happen to have a chest and your tits hang more now than like do you feel aging in your tits no i honestly don't interesting i think they're only getting better with age because my balls are like 145 years old really are they do you feel them sagging oh they're like an old mummy they're just like really yeah i guess i'll just drag on over

here is brendan frazier down there too yeah yeah wait a second your your balls you do sometimes you look at them because balls are labia right and i definitely feel like some times of the month my stuff down there is a lot more like just like mummified like you were saying like it's just like things are dropping not dropping but like that mummies have no skin by the way but but you get what we're saying they just look like um what's a good example of like just like an old like a change purse yeah yeah you know like You know, like... Or like that dog... That was found in the rubble of 9-11. What's that dog's face?

Dusty. What's that dog that has a bunch of like layers? Oh, yeah. A Sherpa or something? A Sherpa, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, my balls are at a Sherpa. Like a Sherpa with nuts. Were they always like that?

Or were there times that they were up? Do you feel them sagging over time? I feel like... Well, I mean, look, temperature has a big factor. Exactly. That's the temperature and like hormones make my vagina either like, or like, and horniness too. So if you were going to sleep with a guy for the first time,

what's your perfect vagina temp? Cold. Cold. Like, why is it 30 degrees in here? Because my pussy is so small. small no i don't worry about that anymore but um because sometimes i mean this i just feel like god there's things i want to say sometimes that i'm just like no one needs to hear this but i recently got into um the idea of having a fat pussy like i've never wanted my vagina to be described that way but sometimes when i'm really

horned up and there's been a lot of action and i've like there's been like buzzing things down there and like things just like a lot of blood rushes down there and it like it gets like plumper let's say it looks like a boxer's eye yeah after a fight yeah yeah yeah or a guy got stung by a bee oh my god looks like the end of that movie with uh the home alone kid oh my god and your asshole looks like evander holyfield's ear i wish i wish it was that hot um yes exactly like it looks like it's just like engorged more and like just there's a it's just like and it's i've i i like that now like when it's just like like a little bit yeah beat up like where it's like it's not even like there's no sagginess to it it's like plump and some would say man your pussy's fat right now and i'm thank you. I think that that's hot because it also makes more friction.

Yeah. I mean, look, I think any kind of fruit you eat, you like a plump fruit. Yeah. I don't want a pear or a peach that's falling apart. I want it to be filled with juices. Yes. Yes. Exactly.

Just like my lady. Just like me lady. Yeah. So like. I guess when your vagina's plump, it's like your vagina's hard. Yeah, when all the blood rush is down there, you get...

You pumped it up like some Nikes in the 90s. Like a tire for your bike that you probably... Yeah. Those were so cool. I was so jealous that girls didn't have those shoes. They made them in women's

not that i saw not that i was allowed to get maybe my mom was like they don't make them in girls so that was why then i didn't get them that's why you have to shop at pay less and wear penny loafers without any pennies in them yeah pay less what a weird shoe huh the penny loafer would they put an actual penny in it yeah that's for a penny i don't like for a penny yeah because back in the day a penny was like you were good you were good to go we have a friend kyle dunn again who has a a bit about songs in the 19 like 20s and 30s that were like well i got a nickel in my pocket and i'm running around and it's always like if you back in the 30s there was a nickel in every song if you had a, you were good to go. Yeah.

Well, yeah. No, it is interesting that no one came out with like the quarter shoe. Because back then, a quarter is too much to just keep in your shoe. You would need it every day. And it would really weigh it down. Pennies are so worthless. Yeah. Back to like this outfit.

I can wear this on the podcast. I'm not wearing this out and about. Why not not too loud that girl wants to be seen that girl wants attention it's just if you're in miami you could rock that yeah because everyone's because everyone's dressing like that you wear all black in miami that would be i was telling our listeners that we might be parting ways at the end of the year in terms of oh you move out you already mentioned no we were just talking about like if you move you got You already mentioned. No, we were just talking about if you move out. You got to move out eventually. This isn't forever.

Yeah. So it's not going to be forever. And then go down in flames. No, I think we're leaving on a healthy tip if I leave. You don't know what's going to happen in the next three months. That's true. What's a good point? Two months?

Fuck. God, this year is passing by. Actually, this year has kind of crawled. I can't believe we've lived together for less than a year. It feels like way longer. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I mean, I think people say that's a terrible thing. Yeah.

But it doesn't feel like it's me. I've liked living with you. I felt like time has flown here. I feel like we don't get to watch TV enough as much as I wanted to. It just doesn't. Our schedules don't line up. I really wanted a partner in TV watching.

We did get through some good stuff. We did the morning show together. We did Love on the Spectrum the other night. You did not ever get on board with Bachelor in Paradise. I could not have a friend in you for that. I couldn't watch The Wire with you. What other shows

did we consume together? That's what I really wanted Wire with you. I mean, what other shows did we consume together? That's what I really wanted a partner for. Yeah, I think maybe you didn't know how much- TV you watch alone. Not only that, what I watch, I watch a lot of sports. A lot of sports. But you also watch- And you don't watch any sports.

Drug heists. If we go over the amount of tv you've consumed it's it's a crazy amount plus sports yeah uh yeah i don't want you watch a lot of shows you do and i'm not judging you i know i know i'm just trying to think i mean well during covid yeah i don't leave the house i don't go out that much um but i just wanted more like i wanted you i think i wasn't ready to sacrifice my time to watch something i didn't want to watch just like you wouldn't do that but i do think we we got through all of veep we got through uh oh yeah that was a fun run we did all i did

bachelor i did f boy island i did uh oh yeah that was morning show i did you did the morning show i will say on your own and then you re-watched it with me a couple episodes yeah yeah um what about marriages marriage scenes from a marriage yeah i would get into that wait did you watch the second episode no oh god i couldn't do it i mean watch it without me i tried to because i was like listen i because i i know that by myself i can't get through anything i just i need someone there to comment on it and like spark my interest did you watch any more of that mr corman i tried for three minutes and i just couldn't i mean the scenes from a marriage i i liked the first episode as but the that oh boy you don't like the

character what they did with the woman yeah i just like feel like women are written for to be like complete twats constantly and in tv and i already have a problem with people actors and actresses not acting and like scripts that no one talks like that and i understand it's supposed to be theatrical it's supposed to you suspend disbelief these people are doing if we just watch the way people talk it wouldn't be that interesting even though i beg to differ but like jessica chastain's character cheats on him spoiler alert sorry it's the second episode i'm not giving away anything else when she kisses the girl or another no no no she is was having an affair and she that's who she's texting the whole time remember i go who is she texting and you were

like it's something work related no no no she was in a relationship she fell in love with a guy she tells him about it and she tells him about it and is like and so i'm leaving and she's like a bitch to him about it i'm like no one would present it that way like double down on yeah she would be like i'm so sorry i fell in love with someone else like but she's just like mad at him about it and maybe she feels like you're the one who pushed me into his arms but it she doesn't present it that way so it just seems like she's like clearly whoever wrote this i'm guessing noah will you look up who wrote scenes from a marriage because i think it was a man who has a beef with a woman or a woman that has a beef with

a woman because yeah if i were jessica chastain i'd go no no i'm not doing this and i mean maybe she doesn't have a choice but i that's my biggest fear is going on a scripted show and having to act like a twat when no one would ever act that way i mean but i do i'm not trying to play devil advocate here but i think like there are people that probably go hey i cheated and before you could even i'm gonna get ahead of it before you could tell me that i'm a terrible person here's the reasons why i did it and now you have a weaker argument the thing is with her though she is presented as a character that we don't think is capable of being so mean yeah like it doesn't fit with her character and even you know what in white lotus uh what's her name's uh the coach taylor's wife

yeah uh connie britain's character just repulsive repugnant i just like i i hated her and i and i was just like this is the this is a character of a like a you know a nagging mean wife there was nothing redeeming about her. And I love Mike White and I love the way he writes, but it just didn't... You can make a woman... But why do you want a character to be... Why is he married to her?

...personable? Why are they married? Well, she made a lot of money in the show. Right. So does this girl. They both have strong jobs. I don't know. I think you can subtly make someone deplorable

without making them just so over-the-top terrible. And I think, honestly, I think these can subtly make someone deplorable without making them just so over the top terrible. And I think, honestly, I think these kinds of characters of women that are portrayed and written by men reinforce men's hatred of women and women's hatred of themselves. It doubles down on what men already think women are and incels watch it and go, yeah, all women do is fucking complain and cheat on you and then blame you for it and yeah it's just like it's not good and it's like if you're a woman and you're successful in what you do well then you got to be a then you're also a bitch yeah you got to be a bitch to be successful is what it's saying i guess yeah so who wrote it? What's his name? It's like a... Ingmar Bergman. Yeah, Ingmar Bergman's original idea. Who's the son of a priest. But who wrote on this?

Who's the writer of this? Haggai Levy. Is that a woman or a man? A man. Okay. Well, I'm not saying that it's definitely that because it's a man, but I was right. And it feels good.

It feels good to be right. Yeah, you're always right. But I just... Never wrong. I mean, I'm trying to watch... No, I'm wrong all the fucking time. I'm trying to watch Bachelor in Paradise. And now that Kendall and Grocery Store Joe...

Grocery Store Joe is with... So the whole thing is I knew knew this couple grocery store joe and kendall kendall used to work on my show not safe she ended up just going on the bachelor becoming like going pretty far on it she's just a girl that worked in the art department of t on tv shows ends up going very far ends up in the bachelor franchise world she goes on bachelor paradise meets grocery store joe this is you know five years ago they end up dating for two and a half three years such a cute couple i meet grocery store joe while i'm doing dancing with the stars then they send them both to this bachelor in paradise because they've since broken up

yeah joe lives in chicago kendall lives in la he wanted her to move there she wanted him to move there they broke up they were still in love but they were like logistically this isn't gonna work they go back on the show after having been broken up for a while and they send old joe in first and he falls in love with serena who's this adorable 23 year old she's 35 he's 35 she's 23 they fall in love she's so cute she's like just how old's kendall probably 30 something. At least I would say 30, but maybe 32 at the most. But yeah, so he falls in love with the new girl. He falls in love with her. And then Kendall comes in later.

The producers planned it perfectly. If they would have brought Joe and Kendall together, they would have fallen in love again. End of story. But instead, Joe falls in love with Serena. Then Kendall comes in. And Kendall's like, Joe, I'm still in love with you. And he's like, I'm with Serena right now.

This isn't any. He handled it perfectly. He's such a gentleman. Was really respectful of Kendall. Also respectful of Serena. But also, Kendall wouldn't move to Chicago for him. Right. He moved to Chicago from LA.

Did you say that? I don't know if you said that. He moved to Chicago from LA. No, he that i don't know he moved to chicago from no he was he tried la didn't like move back to chicago wanted her to move to start a family and everything and she's like well i still want to be in la i want and i think she was willing to reconsider that yeah that's why she went on the island to like but he didn't know that at the time that he was falling in love yeah and then he so he's already fallen in love with serena and he tells kendall like i've moved on i'm sorry and she's just like so sad she leaves the island and joe's talking to the camera he's like if she wanted to like

reconnect she should have told me before i came here and it was like oh no you like if i were kendall i'd be like so i had a chance there was a window but i missed it like it just breaks my heart like everyone's like i love joe and Serena together. And I'm like, no. I mean, coming from the perspective of a girl who gets back with her ex a lot and has over the years, I'm just like, no, I don't want the new girl to come in and ruin this love story. The timing wasn't right. But now they can be together. I wrote Kendall, though, on Instagram and was like, you're the bravest woman in the world. Because she'd have to sit there and watch Serena and Joe,

the guy she was with two and a half years. She has to watch them like make out and dance in the moonlight and tell each other they love each other. Like there was a date that they were on in front of all the people that were like around the rest of the group. It was brutal. Noah, have you ever seen a guy that you were dating like kiss another girl or

like move on that had been dating i have a friend who's going through that right now and um she we all witnessed it on instagram i guess right exactly that's where she was seeing it all on instagram and it was like literally the guy broke up with her and he's already dating some girl and she's like they you know they were breaking up and getting back together breaking up getting back together and this time they broke up and he was he already had someone else available so she just going through that i felt oh it was heartbreaking for me to see my friend suffer through that you did a really good job andrew of when your last relationship you like muted block not blocked but muted unfollowed and did not go back and look no

oh i wish i was that strong it's so much easier for me i mean it is i mean it's a smart thing to do these bachelor shows they make everything like a small town like that's how it is when there's one if there's one bar you just yeah you just see you're gonna see the person you're dating dating your best friend because there's no other options i feel like this guy that you're talking about noah might be just doing it to get at her because a lot of times there's just like retaliation just seeping out of their embraces that they're putting online it's like if you need to put your relationship online all the time to be like i love this person it's like what are you really if if this is just between you two just keep it with you why do we all have to see this

you can you can say that you love the person and put like on their birthday and stuff but there's other motives here yeah there could be motive if you're definitely getting right out of a relationship and you're like oh my god i like it's just so over the top either that new person needs that validation which means that's unhealthy or you're trying to get back at your ex which is also unhealthy it's just not a good sign if you have to like publicly be like look at me i'm like how long is how long do you think depending on i guess depending on how long you're in the relationship how long can you post on instagram with another person that where you're not a complete piece of shit i remember when chris and i first got together he didn't want to like post anything about it because he knew that an

ex that you know he had a kendall and joe situation where they just didn't want to like post anything about it because he knew that an ex that you know he had a kendall and joe situation where they just didn't want the same things for their future but they still loved each other and broke up and they were broken up for a year and or so before we got together and he was just a little bit like i don't want to she hasn't moved on yet i don't want to like rub it in her face and i was i was okay with it i was like that's actually like he's gonna do that for me when we break up you know i'm gonna be taken care of too and that just like made me feel good actually that he actually still thought so how long did he wait still waiting i no i mean like

it just happened naturally it wasn't like and do you remember the first post he put up of you two no no he actually didn't have his social media when we were together. So it was more about like. Telling his family or anything? No, it wasn't that. He told his family. It was just like he didn't want to. I just remember him being mindful of not having stuff somewhere where his ex could see before she had like.

He felt she had moved on, which, you know, is also a little bit like you can't control other people too. So there's a little bit of that, but I just thought, Oh, that's kind of sweet that he even considers someone.

Um, let's get to the news. Okay. Apparently, here we go. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first.

Uh, yeah. Oh man, it's Wednesday. You know what that means. It's Wednesday. And I hope you're having all the swells out there. We sure are here. Yeah, great little day over here in Shagley. Nice little day in St. Louis. It's nice.

A study found that charismatic people have better sex. Additionally, those who rated their partner as having higher levels of charisma were found to have a higher sexual satisfaction okay um yeah charisma probably means you're like a little bit of a wait they have higher satisfaction yeah and they and they i guess they satisfy their partner more as well. I think people who are charismatic, that's a word that doesn't evoke desperation. It just means they're fun and they enjoy life. So they're probably getting a lot of enjoyment out of sex too. That makes sense.

I feel like there is a line though between charisma and neediness at a party. You know what I mean? Like, oh, that person is so charismatic. They're smiling. They could overdo it because they're just so insecure. Charming connotates insecurity more than charisma. Charisma I feel like is genuine. But I could be wrong.

What do you feel, Noah? I agree with you, Nikki. There's something very positive about charisma. Yeah. Charisma. I remember hearing Sarah Silverman say that in a roast joke of Jimmy Kimmel. She's like, oh, Jimmy, you're as charismatic. She's like, the charisma of a – oh, I forgot what she said.

Or maybe Amy said that Anthony Jeselnik had the charisma of a Hitler youth. Yeah. Maybe that was when I heard charisma. It was in some roast joke. I love a good word that doesn't alienate everyone charisma is not used enough and i like it yeah charisma carpenter i don't think a lot of people have good charisma i think a lot of people are either too like you said trying to be too charming or they're too extroverted and they're like like me and i'm gonna have this kind of energy and it could get confused

with charisma have you ever been called a word and you didn't know the meaning of it and you almost were like you had to look it up? Yeah. How would people describe you, you think? Like what did they say? He's, I don't know. Why? I was called during a soccer game one time a slur that wasn't pertained to me and I didn't

know what it meant. Really? Yeah. What would they say? I can't say that. It was a Spanish slur. Oh, my God. What?

I guess I was Tanner that week. Whoa. Yeah. By another player? Yeah. Oh, my God. They're like, nice try. And I was like, but I'm Jewish.

Yeah. And then they corrected it? Yeah. Then I was like, okay, I'll go back to the other one. Yeah, give me the other one. It sounded more festive. Yeah, I don't know. I think people say that I'm personable,

that I'm friendly, that I, I don't know. That was like a question I asked when I was starting to get to know someone on a dating app. I asked, what are three adjectives that you're, like, write your best friends and ask them three adjectives to describe you and don't say, like, what it's for. And just to be honest. And I wrote Anya and she knew it was for a guy. So she was like, gazelle-like, sensitive.

Anya's gazelle-like? No, I am. Okay. Gazelle-like, sensitive, and fast paced or something like that it was like that and or oh uh uh whip smart it was really nice that was all nice what would be three negatives oh a lot um uh uh opinionated loud loud, anxious, know-it-all. Mine would be lazy. Selfish.

Selfish or, yeah, narcissistic, not thinking of others that live in their house when it comes to recycling. Stuff like that. Well, recycling is thinking about the planet, not so much me. No, just you. I don't give a shit about the planet. I just give a shit about the... I know.

I wish I could inspire you to care about the planet more than, you know, me. The fear? Yeah. Well, yours came from your fear of your dad initially no i mean initially no it didn't it came from my dad educating me about like when you leave a light on there's a power plant burning somewhere to keep that light on like think about there's some there's billows of soot going into the atmosphere because this lamp you had to have on in a room where no one was

using it and i was just like oh that had me so now when i leave a light on in a room i'm like i picture that like smokestack like like you know all the yeah that's a lot though for just i get what he was doing there but that's kind of like telling the kid if you go down that door there's a wolf that will chew your head off. It's such a strong analogy. The wolf analogy is not true. This is true. You're one little light, though. I get it, Dennis.

Everyone's doing the light. There's a piece of that smoke that is there because of that light. There's molecules of that smoke. I am contributing to that. Every little bit counts. I get that. And if you think that oh i can just throw this plastic in the garbage because it doesn't matter which i've done before where i

go oh i can't find recycling if everyone does that then there's plastic in the landfills and then then it bleeds over into the ocean like every you can always justify but it's this much well millions of people go it's this much and then it's agreed so it does matter and it is a good analogy but yes i i understand it's kind of fear-based and guilt-based yeah which you know i don't know it kind of it works i guess it works yeah all right next story no but i got called uh greg proops who is an amazing has amazing vocabulary once called me uh deft and i truly don't even remember what i looked it up at the time and i go it felt he said it in a way that does you're very deft you know how he like talks like this

it's like you're has anyone told you you're deft and i was like like deft punk and i didn't know but it's not deft it's deft what do you think it means because i forget i feel but it was a compliment i know that oh i was thinking deft is like you don't listen. Like because of the word deft. Like you're deft to this conversation. Well, I would never think that that was part of it. Deft is D-E-A-F. Deft is D-E-F-T. So I don't think they would be from the same.

What does it mean, Noah? You put a penny in your fucking shoe? Neatly skillful and quick in one's movements. Yeah, I could see that. neat neat is not an adjective i would use to describe myself but and then i also dave david tell the first time i ever met him called me defensive and i didn't know what it meant you're so defensive and i was just like i don't know what that means no i'm not and which is exactly what it is i had no idea and my friend catherine was like nikki you don't know what defensive means?

And I'd never played sports. That was your embarrassment move. When people were like, defense. I mean, I probably could have gotten there, but I mean, I was 25 and I didn't know what defensive meant. I was so, like, where I am now in terms of, like, emotional development is so, like, far beyond what I was capable of at the age of 25.

No, I wasn't 25. I was 20. It was 2005, so I was capable of at the age of 25. I had no, it wasn't 25. I was 20. It was 2005. So I was 21. Just so had no fucking clue about anything. So don't lose hope on anyone in your life to not be able to like become more emotionally evolved or self reflective. I still have a lot of work to do,

but to not know what defensive meant in 2005, it's humiliating, but it's true yeah it's not actually fell on deaf ears huh death store okay next story uh uh deaf ham drip deaf jam drip league documents reveal that amazon oh do you know about amazon's astro have you seen this it's so it's like a um a roomba but it has like a screen that like sees faces and like essentially it'll be even more your friend in a roomba but it doesn't clean it like well you know maybe tell stories to your kids or like it will like identify like certain behaviors called astro yeah it's called

the astro and people are saying it's it's not as great as yeah that's the thing it looks like wally but that's how it takes all your information and ruins your life because it's so adorable yeah i mean i'll be okay with that thing turning on me and murdering me it looks like that um it's so ador it's so cute it looks and murdering me. It looks like that. It's so adorable. It's so cute. It looks like a little black cat. It looks like Buzzy. It looks like your cat, Noah.

Wait, so hold on. Are you going to play a video or something? Does it talk? So people are saying it's just a camera on wheels. It's not that impressive. I'll take it. Engineers who worked on Astro say it's fragile and prone to self-destruction. Aren't we all?

Astro is terrible and will almost certainly throw itself down a flight of stairs. Cute. If presented the opportunity or becomes pregnant. That's what it says. It's weird. I love how you tried to get that joke in before I started talking. And it's a good one, so I'm glad you did. I love my Roomba so fucking much.

And I just realized I haven't spent any time with Roomba in a while. And I feel like bad and also Luigi I love you too but Roomba I mean I cannot believe how much I love that thing but you don't think a camera in your house at all times I mean I guess it was just you but if

no I don't want that and that's why when I do the clear at the airport so you can bypass the security I didn't do the clear at the airport so you can bypass the security, I didn't do the eye thing. Like there's a way for them to do the eyes and there's a way to do the finger and I go no eyes

and they're always like, why not eyes? Just do eyes and I'm like, no. I want one thing. I did eyes. But the thing is,

they already have our eyes. They have everything. One more, you know, there's cameras fucking everywhere. But that would go back to your thing though, like a little bit more that they know. Like it adds up over time.

But at this point, their technology is so advanced that they can get my eyes without me knowing it. Yeah, they're online. We don't have to invite these things in our homes anymore. They have it all. That's a good point. But that's not to say that I don't try to have security in my life and and privacy and not no that's actually not true i don't i i i'm i'm exposed i could be

literally all it is is like there was there's in the video they're like you can have it go get a drink for you and i'm like what are we doing here like we're you're paying a thousand dollars for one to get a bud light for you you know what i mean it's pretty cool i mean i will say that i feel ridiculous when i do it but when i go hey siri yeah hey siri she usually she says yes but hey siri where are you? She says Swifty. She always thinks I'm saying, how are you? I go, where are you?

But sometimes I'm able to find her by saying, like, will you- Did you train her to call you a Swifty? What the hell is that? Yeah, because for a while she was calling me Blythe. I don't know why,

but I sat on my phone weird and she goes, okay, Nikki, from now on, I'll call you Blythe. Oh, you're Blythe? And it was happening forever. No, I kept seeing Blythe around the house on things.

That's me, but now I'm Swifty. I thought... Now I want her to call me a Swifty. I thought Blythe was some character. No. This was literally five years ago. I sat on the phone in a weird way. And all of a sudden, Sierra's just like,

Thanks, Nikki. From now on, I'll call you blithe and i was like that's so funny what the fuck did she hear so yeah blithe is such a funny name i love that i can yeah when i lose my phone i can go hey siri where are you hey siri don't do that don't no not now but like i can do i can i can find my favorite thing with siri is like uh the song thing like what song is this what really yeah shazam oh is that what that is i always press shazam oh no you can just do it on your phone really hey phone what what song is this and i'll just i don't know really can you just sing into it no no it's gotta be playing in the

background oh these are the things like it's like the tesla having the fart app i was like that's oh my god one time we got into a tesla on an uber and we know from kyle. I was like, that's the most. Oh, my God. One time we got into a Tesla in an Uber. And we know from Kyle Dunnigan's car. He's the same one that did the joke about the nickel. You're good to go. He had a Tesla, first of all, of our friends. And we got in one day. He was like, check out this fart app.

And it's just like you can make any seat fart in the whole Tesla. And we got into an Uber, I think, a month ago. Had to do a show. And I'm doing my makeup and thinking about the show and andrew's like can you make it fart and i just go no no he can't and he's like every tesla can make it fart and if they tell you they can't they're lying sounds like a woman it's true no i never fart and then six months you're on the tesla and they're like and like was that you no that was that was you you're like we're in a ford focus

brenda fart in front of me i don't think i brought it up on the i mean i was gonna bring it up but then i go she probably doesn't want people oh yeah just nine times i ran out of songs i kept playing songs to cover up the noise and then i kind of what song is this? Dude, oh my God. I didn't tell you this. I had sex. Good job, dude. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Yeah? I was orgasming and I got a cramp in my hamstring at the same time.

So you were screaming and screaming. Yes. It was wild. Wait, what did it sound like? Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

All right. I guess. What position were you in? Why did this happen? I had my legs around my ears. No. It was doggy style. And I guess my knees were bent.

And I could feel. You know when a foot cr, like a foot cramp, that if you keep holding, it's just going to keep getting worse and worse. You've got to move it. But you can't move it because I'm about to have an orgasm through sex, which doesn't happen that often with me. So I was so excited. And literally the cramp got as bad as possible,

and the orgasm was as good at the exact same time. Oh, God. It was awesome. It was intense. The worst pain and the best happiness. Are you able to have... So you are able to orgasm during sex? More oral than...

Okay. Well, that's good. Yeah. I'm usually... I start oral, and then I can never get them to finish that way. Have you ever cramped while having sex? No, no, no, no. Never.

Why do you say that? It's so weird. Do you ever get a foot cramp? Or your hip? I've never. I've gotten like muscle pains where it's like, ow, this position is like really not good. And like it hurts so much. It takes.

I need to be very focused and have no other pain happening. Like I need to like think about my vagina and like only feel there to get anything going so any kind of other distraction got you it's gonna throw me like my hair like if a piece of hair get then i'm out i told you i went let's start over i pulled brenna's hair but for some reason i just pulled oh i don't even want to hear about it like one strand oh i don't know why me no like okay let's take a quick break and we'll come back with why do i care 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year it's going to be filled with money challenges

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A bunch of cringy texts between Elizabeth Holmes and her ex. Elizabeth Holmes, that one? Yes. The one who talked like this and learned that men will do anything you want if you just take on a lower voice and still have the appeal of a hot woman physically, but you have a lower voice so men respect you more? That's her. Okay. Were you written by a man, Elizabeth Holmes? What? Were you written by a man?

How dare you say that? I was not written by a man. I'm hungry, and I'm a bitch, and I wear jewelry and love shoes. Astro? Are you the Astro Amazon? Okay, what did Elizabeth Holmes do? Elizabeth Holmes and her her boyfriend so all their texts yeah released over the fraud trial so you would think all their texts regarding theranos

would be released but like all their personal stuff that seems to be a little bit of an intrusion you would think yeah i'm literally trying to go as low as I can. It's still not as low as Elizabeth. It's still not as low as Elizabeth. She's like down here. She's down here. It's almost like down here. Okay, so what did the text say? Would I be hotter if I had a lower register like this? Well, when you go like this, it's not hotter.

But if you just talked like that, maybe. If I just talked like that, would that be hotter? No, because you sound stupid. Because you're going so not that many texts like that i saw was like that but here's one from elizabeth holmes too the you're gonna love the response so she writes you are the breeze in desert for me you are the breeze in desert for me my water my water and ocean and ocean meant to be only together meant to be only together tiger and the guy just writes back okay

brutal wait is she still with this guy no i think they're broken first of all they are he's like a coo of some company you know he's like very oh my god i i feel so bad for this woman who lied to millions of people stole money and and ruined families oh my god he just wrote okay back to you are my ocean in the desert i love that he just wrote okay and i like so funny by the, each of these things are like separate texts. So she first writes, you are the breeze in the desert for me. Then another space.

She probably waited. I love to see the timestamps on these. I feel like it's all together like a poem almost. My water and ocean. What is the last one? Meant to be. Meant to be together. Only together tiger.

Only together tiger. This bitch cannot write though like she writes like a computer like an astro yeah she really does there's no comma like and i mean this that is the perfect response to this because what the fuck is any of that even like i like that this was his last straw like he was like this poor this woman who just like is a robot is like trying to it's like she's a bot that was taught to like write a poem bot it's kind of love on the spectrum ish yeah yep and which she might be a little spectrum i could see that yeah she's there's no doubt that she's brilliant i mean she just used her brilliance for kind of evil and i think she

probably thinks she didn't she's's not wrong. I mean what sucks is she really was trying to do a great thing. I know because she was scared of blood and needles. And yeah and just making it affordable because blood tests are like 9 million fucking dollars. I know but it's like when you are running for class president you're like we're going to have

vending machines in every classroom and guess what? We're going to have recess three times a day. And no more gym unless you want to. But politicians do that all the time and they get away with it. Yeah, I know. But when a woman does it... In a voice like this. Yeah, it seems a little

bit... That is the fascination behind her. I doubt that would be quite a story unless she was a woman. I'm not saying it's only because she's a woman that we're prosecuting her, but I don't think there would have been a documentary made. not saying like, it's only because she's a woman that we're prosecuting her. But like, I don't think there would have been a documentary made. Speaking of documentaries,

there's a new Britney series. Britney vs. Spears. I love the name of it. Very smart. It's a great name. Isn't there two more? Because her middle name is Versus. Did you know that?

Yeah, I did. Yeah, it's French for alligator. I thought it was Britney Victoria Secret Spears. Alligator. She's from the bayou down there. Oh, yeah. No, no, come back down.

No, no, no. Come back down. Yeah. She's from Slidell, I think. All right. Well, let's get to our wild card segment. Wild card Wednesday. What's it going to be this week?

We're playing the blankest thing. And this week's blankest is? Horniest. The horniest thing. And this week's blankest is? Horniest. The horniest thing we've ever done. Andrew, this was your brainchild. Yeah. I would say the horniest thing I ever did, it was based off horny and love, so I guess,

but I, well, there's two, and it's over my girlfriend in college. One time I was drinking in New Orleans and I blew it I blew it like he goes based on horniness and love but alcohol did not play a part in it but yeah yeah horniness love and alcohol well which is she wasn't answering my text your boy was horned up also very jealous I drove and I my tire popped oh my god and i kept driving over to her place with sparks coming from my wheel drunk like a fucking idiot and uh just because your boy was horned up and i probably couldn't even gotten hard because i was so drunk i know it sounds bad to say

that i was drinking and driving but you know it's's New Orleans. If you're not drunk, you're not driving. That's what they say. That's a bumper sticker, actually, that no one can read because they're drunk. But, you know, there's drive-thru daiquiri stands in New Orleans. It's insane. And it's not an open container unless you put the straw in. Like, as long as you keep the straw out. Oh, because you can't possibly drink it without a straw.

It would spill all over. And drunks don't like to spill. And then the other time is when I drove for the same girl. Remember, I drove an hour and 20 minutes to her parents' house. That, to me, was the horniest thing you've ever done. I mean, you've done a lot of horny things. I guess this is more desperate than horny. Ugh.

And I drove. And she lived in a private development. And I showed up and she you could almost hear the disdain from just the the guy at the gate being like you're making the wrong decision turn back and i was like it's not the gate like they had like a private development like even that guy was like i could tell by her voice like she doesn't want this and i show up and i knock i'm like i'm here like it's notebook. And she's like, why don't you. How far did you drive?

Just like an hour and 45 minutes. And her parents were there, right? Yeah. And you had to like. Makes it way worse. And she definitely was like, oh, God, why is he here? Like, I probably said all that stuff before you like actually pulled up to the house. Yeah.

When you were at the gate. And I was hammered and I had no tires. So it was weird. Oh, no, I had no tires. So it was weird. Oh my. No, no, no. It was bad. It was bad. And I just remember how awkward.

She let me in and I was just like, oh, this isn't going. You ever do like a romantic gesture and it's just like, once it backfires, you should leave. I should have left, but I drove so far that it would have been almost weirder to get stayed the night yeah or i might have worked out did she get back together with you uh not that night but i think we got back together after that we probably broke up and got back

together maybe 10 times throughout college yeah why what's your horniest move i mean probably just i only get horny like when I'm having sex. Like there's been times I'm horny before having sex, but it's because it's like, oh, I know he's coming over or something. So then I don't really have to do any. I don't get horny before sex is imminent. If that makes sense. Have you ever driven through the night to have sex or like done anything?

I mean, I've definitely. But that to me isn't horny. I think of all the things I've done for guys that have been embarrassing. And it wasn't about me wanting a dick inside me and I want to cum so bad. It was about I want a boyfriend so bad. Or I want this guy that doesn't love me and never will to, I want the impossible. But I think the horniest thing I've ever done was I mean I've done disgusting things because that's just like fun but I guess um like I mean do you want me to tell you mine first yeah please because I'm just trying to pick which

one I want to say yeah this is like i have never this is one of my deepest darkest secrets if it's the only thing that came to my head so i used to be like super like i used to watch a lot of porn i used to masturbate all the time i was like it was kind of a problem and i was very very horny this is like i mean i started watching porn like when i was eight and i started masturbating when i was very young but this is like in my 20s and um uh okay so i didn't have or like i think my my dildo like i had just like used it too much i was sick of it but i was so horny and the thing that i found to use that i was just like okay i gotta see what this feels

like i was about to take uh pole dancing lessons and i had ordered a pair of lucite heels that were like like um like stacked lucite balls it's like this oh yeah i know what you're saying they almost look like anal beads yes exactly it was like balls exactly so it kind of looked like an animal yourself and i was just like okay i'm like really attracted to this heel like i really want to see what this feels like and that is the horniest thing i've ever done in my life after you washed it off yeah i mean i wore them to class oh my god did you sleep in them and you took a pole dancing class yeah i did that that's horny too that that is like how people end up in the er i know this girl has a size seven pump inside her it's like what's so true this is unbelievable that's awesome no that is awesome i guess me

fucking jets as a kid is more horny than yeah like the weird things like you have sex with yeah i mean i what was the weirdest thing you put inside of your puss oh my god i mean i would say a a um gummy worm but that was like that wasn't out of horniness that was a joke but that was out of me just trying to be like like i was horny for like doing weird stuff i mean like i think i've just like done you know what that's what i talk about on stage like i love being horny because it's like the only way i can feel drunk anymore because when you get horny you just do dumb stuff like we're talking about like i don't drink anymore so i can't get to that point where i feel like i'm i can do crazy stuff that i can be like i was drunk but like if i get like turned on enough i'm just like you know i'll tell

sometimes i'll you know be fooling around and be like if if you had friends waiting outside this door i would 100 let you let random people come in here and and fuck me but then when i'm when i'm not horny and the idea of that happening because i've always said to like the person that i sometimes fool around with like yes we talk about gang bangs and stuff like that please never just know that like i need to ask i need to demand it and it has to be you need to make me come like a million like at least three times before i'm even entertaining that like idea so you might book a gangbang and that might not happen because it's you got to let these guys know yeah if this ever

happened like it's not going to happen but if it ever happens jackal and mr hyde like when you're yes yeah yeah like something overcomes me and i'm just like and then i just start saying things that are like truly absurd that i can't that i don't when, when I get out of it, I'm like, oh my God, no, I'm like a proper woman that would never do that. So I've said some things in my horny state that I like have felt very like, hey, can we talk about what I said? Like, I don't really want you to do that. Right. And I'm like, but kind of like if I ever get to that point again i actually did want it in that moment i'd be okay with it but like that's why i'm so impressed by porn stars that can agree to these crazy things

i know they're doing it for a job but even like people that in the kink community can agree to these wild kind of kinky things that at some point they do for the first time like maybe after you've done it a while it's not so scary but like the first time walking into a dungeon at when you get out of your prius and you're like and you're like are like you know checking your phone p.m like that i am not in the mood to do that but as soon as i get horned up i'm going to be but men i feel like can oh that can get that horny before they enter like to get that horny for me, I need a lot of foreplay. Well, I guess you could equate it to getting on stage and making people laugh

when you're in a very sad state and then once you get on stage, you make it happen. So maybe you could get a gangbang during the day when you're not horny. You just have to go for it. Yeah, I just have to know what to do to get myself to that place. But I also

should always, that's what I like about the people who are really open sexually in the kink community is that there are good boundaries so that if someone's booked for a gangbang and you're just like, I'm not feeling it, they're not going to go well, I had to cancel all these. If you're not feeling it, then

it's not happening. People can change their mind at any time i didn't go to my son's recital for this and i feel oftentimes when you're with guys and you agree to do something sexually or you've talked about like oh my god like you're let's say you're in a long distance thing you've never met the person and you're like having phone sex and you're like god when i meet you i'm gonna like fucking blow you and we're gonna fuck and then you're you finally meet up and you're like i don't want to do that but i already promised him and so then you do the things.

I mean, I've been in that situation before in long distance things where then when we finally meet and I'm like, I said I was going to do a lot of stuff and now I feel like I have to do it. But the truth is you never have to do it. I'm sure it happens so much with how much dating online, especially during COVID.

And the horny things you say in texts. Yeah, when you're actually horny. I did a pretty horny thing the other night. You could text someone when you're actually horny like the thing is like you could text someone when you're extremely horny like you said i have a great tip for girls yeah to send to their guy if you ever have a guy that talks about you being with another woman and you're kind of like i don't know about that find a full-length mirror and take take a picture and make sure one side of your head is like a different hairstyle than this side that's going to be reflected in the mirror put your boob up with the reflection boob naked and it looks like you're pressing boobs with

someone who looks a lot like you but has longer hair and then you can't see if you take it like this you can't see it looks like i have it looks like i had a ponytail right so from this angle it looked like nikki was with a girl the reflection was this and had long hair so it looked like i was with a girl with long hair i had a ponytail that looks like me and we were about to like make out i sent it to someone and he was like i dropped my phone i literally thought you were with another girl. It took me like three seconds to process what I was seeing. And he was like, it was the hottest thing I've ever seen in my life.

And it was just me bored in my hotel room being like, what kind of picture can I take? And I was able to really, it even looked like it to me. It made me go, oh, this actually would be kind of a cool thing. I should do that and like shave half my beard and be like honestly that's you could do it it's really it's a fun little trick and i swear to god i never would have thought it looked so convincing but you got to keep wiping down the mirror so you don't fog up your twins image well the final thought i think like so many yeah like

you were saying like so many guys get in trouble because they text when they're insanely horny. So when you see a text like, I want to eat your butthole and your skin and all this, it's like, oh, they just have a lot of. I've been so tricked by that. Where guys like to promise you a lot of things when they're so horny or they're on Ambny or they're on ambien and then or they're drunk and then you are left to believe that yeah maybe this person misspelled a couple things but maybe they're like elizabeth holmes and they just really think i'm the breeze of the desert and tiger be together forever tiger

no but that person in that mindset is the same as when you're horned up and asking for a gangbang right that's the same mindset so you got to be able to no i know that now yeah yeah yeah but before when it's just via text and the person isn't telling me like i think they're at work because it's during the day and they're saying because sometimes guys will not just say horny things they'll say like really like loving things because maybe that's what they get like when they're horny they get really like i want to fucking hold your hand and go look at birds in the park with you and like i want to go shop like i've had guys like talk about relationships but they're just horny yeah i think i think they're either and i get there's got to be a text that maybe a different colored text when a guy still hasn't oh if the guy's text is the green bubble you go i can't date you because you have an android and also and also you're horned up or

like some kind of emoji that a guy has to write before to let you know where his brain's at which you already could probably is they're not going to do that because when you're drunk or horny you don't really you're you're so stupid you don't even know to tell someone that you are you know like the chris rock bit he's like i got caught with porn by my wife and he's like you know where the video was in the vcr like i mean obviously that shows how old that joke is but like that's he that's where your brain is it's not here you're in another world men when they get horny are so fucking stupid it's like it really is there's like a i love it though it makes them so vulnerable and cute to me like there's

there's something that makes me easily manipulated yeah i mean that's where women can actually take back some of the power is just making sure men are horny and then we can kind of trick them into just you know putting driving their yarises down an embankment because you you know like there's like whatever the story the other day that couple that was fucking they the car what they were just horny and not thinking straight because you just don't and they bought a yaris yeah that's how they get you yeah there's just, I don't know. But the things I'm able to do in bed, like sexually, that I never thought I'd be able to do,

and like even, you know, my exploration of other holes has all been based upon the fact that I was horny enough to go, okay, let's do something wild that's like, well, what are we doing? And it's like, oh, well, actually, that felt really good. Let's do that again next time if we get that horny. But it's really fun sometimes when you get super horned up and you just do something that you both are like, oh, should we talk about that? I love that paragraph. It just sounds like how someone found America.

They're like, you know what I mean? Like how you sound, you're like, how I found new holes. I took a chance and I, yeah. Cause you just get stupid. You get brave.

You get liquid courage. Yeah. You get like juiced up down there and then you get that. Or Spain's going to give you a bunch of gold. you get that. Yeah. You get, um,

yeah, you get in, you'll just go to so many extreme lengths and sometimes when you do extreme things you obviously being horny has led people to make bad decisions that have led to pregnancies and diseases and or a guy riding a bmx bike and doing three flips because a girl's in the crowd and he has and he wants to get laid or like a guy revving his engine and like plowing through an intersection and killing a family of four like that's because a guy was like either his balls were full and he was just like angry he couldn't come or like he was on his way to go fuck someone

like so much destruction has been caused by guys being horny but i think that there probably is inspired people to take chances they didn't think that they would take. Edison probably was just horny. And that's why he did like a thousand inventions. I've like DM'd people that I was like, why would you think that that person like I've taken risks in terms of that of like or just I mean, I guess I haven't taken career risks in horniness, but outfit choices. Sometimes I'm like, oh, I'm feeling kind of slutty i'll wear this yeah you played pickleball that's funny yeah because but that's what yeah that's so true like playing new sports whenever you ask me to play golf i'm like no i'm not trying to fuck you i would never go play golf with you but i think you'd like it i think you would like it yeah

i mean i'm sure i would enjoy it but again this i sure you would like it. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure I would enjoy it. But again, I'm sure you would enjoy Bachelor in Paradise, but there's other things you'd rather watch. There's other things I'd rather do. You could hit nine balls. I mean, I've watched you play golf. While filming other guys and making a TikTok. Yeah, exactly. I mean, it was a little meat market down there.

I cannot believe how many hot guys were there just like hitting balls into the night. Because they're horny. Yeah, probably. Do you think of the guys, or do you play golf better when you're horny? No. Or do you need to have your... I guess I could equate horniness to also if I drink too much caffeine. It's kind of a similar feeling.

But why do guys save their stock if they're like, you know, before like they don't want to come they gives it because it gives because it inspires them that's why yes some like athletes do not come because they're like it gives me motivation to want to be better and do things yeah huh it all comes back around it's like being quiet for like people that do the silent retreats so then when you can talk, it's that much better. I don't think that's why they do it. I don't either. But I do think that's a thing. But I don't think they go, oh, I can't wait until it's fun to talk.

This is a good show. Was it? Do you have to say it's a good show if it was a good show? Guys, we'll see you tomorrow. Don't be cut there. And Jack Johnson. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover,

that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel.

And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How To Money on the iHeartRadio entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups,

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