The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #117 An Old or New Banana

Episode Date: October 12, 2021

Between you and Nikki, she might be the first podcaster to do a whole show with a "family of canker soars" on her tongue. Having cancelled her med spa appointment she found some relief for her mouth. Andrew comes in with a reggae beat which makes them think of songs with lyrics that are not what they expected. You Heard It Here First, long hair, do care, dogs eat the darnedest things, EJ our Beatles expert is not surprised by McCartney's drop and Nikki does care to show how a joke could be inflected better. In the Top1 Bottom1 they talk about what they buy at drug stores and in the Final Thought, Besties are the 'in' crowd and Nikki is off for the rest of the day. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

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Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF. And me, Mandy B. As we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love.

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Did you know that 70% of people get hired at companies where they already have a connection? I'm Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's Editor-at-Large for Jobs and Career Development. And on my podcast, Get Hired, I bring you all the information you need to, well, get hired. Landing a job may be tough, but Get Hired is here for you every step of the way with advice on resumes, networking, negotiation, and so much more. Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you like to listen. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello. How's Nikki. Hello. How's it going out there, besties?

Here I am. It's Nikki Glaser. It's the Nikki Glaser podcast. I have, I want to start by saying I have a little bit of a speech impediment today because I have a family, like a Duggar family of canker sores on the right side of my tongue. And let me be clear that canker sores are not cold sores. But even if they were, who cares? No one wants any of this. It it wouldn't be my fault but they're not contagious I didn't get them from um sex well I'd be proud if I got these from sex Jesus Christ what's wrong with that God I'm really kind of uh brought like opening up my mind to the idea like what is wrong

with cold sores you get them from sex that means you had sex oh it's someone that gave you something that you did I guess there's some kind of shame in that I didn't I didn't know going in what it was who knows what's your what you're going into when you have sex ever um I digress I just wrote to um my orthodontist to get me some just a gun to blow my tongue off like honestly I've been thinking about taking a scalpel to it because I'm like, I think cutting them off would be more pleasure. Like, there's just something, but I know that they're caused from like little cuts on your tongue. Let me just be clear with you guys. I'm not, hold on. One of the patches just came up. I have tried every treatment for Ganker's horse that is in the Walgreens aisle. One of the patches just came off and it actually leaves me

free to talk a little bit easier. I'm not in like terrible pain. I wouldn't be doing this if I was. I want to be here. So sometimes, you know my policy on like when people don't want to be doing their job, I'm just like, well, then I don't want to listen to you or be here. So just know that I want to be here or else I wouldn't be. Yeah, but my mouth is in pain, but not terrible because I have cleared out. I've spent hundreds of dollars this weekend on different numbing agents and canker sore patches and uh just all and done lots of cold sore treatment as well because um you know the cameras that are following me right now uh there's a lot of people that are like can we get you anything and i'm like can you i don't have time to run a store can you go to

walgreens and get canker sore stuff and they they all went and they brought back a Breva. And that's not what this is. And so, but a Breva is like expensive. And I was like, does anyone, someone should use this. Like, don't let this go to waste. Does anyone want this? And then everyone, of course, is like, no, no, I don't even know what that is. I'm just like

oh yeah that's the reason it's always the there's none at Walgreens or it's like locked up with a security you have to press a button to get the guy to come over and unlock it for you so you can buy it for your cousin um yeah it's uh it's painful um and I got it from Eggplant, which is funny because I wrote my orthodontist, who is a really cool chick who I've become friends with. I was thinking today, I was like, I need pain pills for this. Like I need legit, like I've been just, you know, like happy skeletoning, like so many Tylenol and Advil and Elite, like all those over and over. And I'm like, it's not giving me any relief. And I was thinking I could just use a real good pain med. And I was thinking, do I have any doctor friends to like write me a script? And I'm like, why don't I have any doctor friends

that can just, that I can call? But I do have an orthodontist friend and the only reason I even thought to call her was because I canceled no I was supposed to go in and get I got Botox the other day with my mom I was looking at old pictures of myself when I was in there to see if I like really wanted to get filler again because I've gotten a lot of that in my face before and I was like you know what my face looks like an actress's face in some of these pictures where I was like, you know what? My face looks like an actress's face in some of these pictures where I was like really filled up. I was like, oh, you look like an actress on like a panel at Comic-Con. Like kind of frozen and like, hmm, like pursing my lips and like my lips just look full and my cheekbones look full. And it's like, but I was like, I don't know.

I feel like I kind of like having a, there's some life taken out of my face so I go you know what I'm not going to do filler there anymore I'm going to get it somewhere where I haven't gotten it where they suggested which is under my eyes because no I haven't I don't know if you've seen this but like under your in your tear troughs um you can get it so I I might have glasses on next week because I moved my appointment. But they have to put a cannula in, which is like a tube kind of thing so that the needle can travel through.

It's very delicate skin, but it bruises super, like so much and it makes your skin really puffed up. And you get bruising when you get filler in your lips and stuff, but not like it is under your eyes because it's delicate. But the filler under your eyes just

like my eyes are getting a little hollow there's nothing wrong with it getting a little bit there but I don't think I'm ever gonna do the cheek stuff again I don't want to say never never say never but um 007 but um yeah so anyway I moved my I was gonna get that today and um because it allows me some days to heal before I'm back on stage. I would address it on stage for my shows if I was bruised and puffy. Once you address it, you get some laughs and you go, oh, I had this stuff and then you get to talking about it. It's just distracting the whole time. I want people to look at my legs, not my face. Just kidding.

Listen to my jokes and my legs. Listen at my legs not my you know not my face just kidding listen to my jokes and my and my legs listen to my legs um and so uh but no have you seen the under eye stuff has that ever been of interest to you i know that you're not um you know scared of getting stuff done i don't i mean you've thought about it before yeah i haven't haven't, you know, in general, eye stuff kind of like freaks me out. It's why I can't get LASIK. I don't know if I'm like too traumatized from watching A Clockwork Orange where they like clamp the guy's eye open. Oh, right.

Look, stuff like that I love. I think it's like a very gentle gentle way of doing skincare um without going like too much and even if you do go too much i don't i don't judge judgment here yeah we're all just trying to do our best yeah i know eventually i'm gonna have to do some like just like a little bit of botox i would like to but you don't have to want to want to want to yes thank you nikki but i don't know i'm trying to change the way i talk about this stuff too of like't have to want to want to want to yes thank you Nikki but I don't know I'm trying to change the way I talk about this stuff too of like I have to do this because it's like you're right there are people that literally can't afford it so should they just jump off

a building because they can't you know like you don't right we don't I don't have to I I would like to so what were you gonna say like some crow's feet stuff so I just tried uh dermaplaning for the first time and i think i'm gonna do that like you get your dermaplaning license yeah are you britney spears yeah she was my coach what is that so basically they they like take a blade and they it's kind of like what i would do for when i would um uh guess, like shave my eyebrows or whatever. Oh, so it's when they cut the fuzz off. Yeah, like all over.

Yeah. And I think the next thing I'm going to do is that like vampire facial thing. Yes, the micro-needling. Yes. That's what I want to do too. That stuff's cool. You want to do it together? I would love to.

When you come to town, let's do it. Okay. We can go to my place. We'll make it a fun little spa day. A med spa day, which is not like a spa day. You don't get like sandals and a little locker and a robe. You get numbing cream all over your face. You talk like the way I'm talking.

You have to take pictures like mug shots of your face in harsh lighting for before and after photos that they can use against you if you sign the wrong papers before you go in um no that would be cool i want to get that stuff too um i finally have like a comfortable relationship with that stuff i think um for now at least where you know i could get anything right now i'm i'm in a good situation with i have connections with this doctor that's really good that would advise me to do the right stuff. I could probably get a little bit of, like have a Kardashian, you can just get a Kardashian face now.

You could just be like, well, you do, well, you could look like one of the sisters. But I'm just, you know, I've looked at those pictures. I'm glad I've gone there before, by the way. I'm glad that I was ballsy enough, which I do say, if you are willing to, if you're of the means

to be able to do this stuff to your face and you want to and you do it, to me, you're brave. You're taking a chance on something that could turn off really bad. It's your fucking face. And even more so before the pandemic, now you can just wear a mask.

But before, like it, you know, and I've said this ad nauseum, but if one person hasn't heard me say it before, I just love putting it out there. When you see women or men and you go, what'd they do to their face? She ruined her face face they're just trying to be loved let them off the hook you know and you want to get mad because they're usually rich women

and they're usually you know you just want you think they're gold diggers or you think they're so sad it is sad you know it it's sad that's you know someone feels the need to have to go through all that to feel loved including myself I think that something in my life will be better if I get my tear troughs okay so what they did like my doctor that had it done Noah oh yeah the only reason I'm doing is because I I've always suffered with um bags under my eyes it's kind of been my – before I even was nervous about buck teeth, you know, that one tooth I'm trying to fix with Invisalign. I was always so insecure about the circles under my eyes. The first makeup I ever bought was concealer for under eye circles.

And I used to do everything I could, you know, cold spoon. I used to – you know, back know cold spoon I used to you know back then you couldn't google like what do you do for bags under your eyes but um I used to read in Cosmo or like the women's magazines I'd get I'd see from in my mom's like collections of stuff like what you could do for it and um there's just really nothing until filler no i don't even know it's weird that filler would but now mine are sagging and i have dark now i don't care anymore like when i have dark circles i'm just like that's an indication you are having an allergic reaction because your parents smoked inside your entire childhood and maybe that was why you had dark circles under your eyes and they were puffy every

morning night and afternoon and you had chronic sinus infections maybe that was it um they didn't know no one knew about the dangers of smoking in the 90s um but i my doctor had like nothing under her eyes it looked like a porcelain doll and it didn't look it's it's like it's like, you know, Megan Fox eyes. Certain celebrities, you go, you don't have any kind of darker circle under your eye. It's almost like there's nothing there. It's just like your cheek starts there. So I'm going to get that look. And maybe I won't like it, but you know what? Guess what? I'm still lovable even if I get it and it's awful. And I'm still lovable if I don't get it which I'm not gonna get I was gonna get it today but I couldn't because my canker sores are killing

me and I can't stand two things of pain going on in my face so that's what the thing I wrote the doctor I texted the doctor being like I gotta push my appointment for this fucking eye shit because and it's my day off by the way this is my first day off in eons because camera crews were following me this weekend. It was all, you know, usually on the weekends when I'm doing shows, I have downtime. You know, you travel from city to city, but then once you get in the city, you can like kind of relax. And then in between shows, you're not like doing stuff. But man, God, we had such a good weekend. But anyway, I texted my doctor can't do it and I

go I I don't know who I'm texting but I have a family of canker sores uh camping out on my right side of my tongue and it's brutal and she goes I think Dr. Otto could help with that my my orthodontist who recommended this this face person and I go brilliant and I have to go in there anyway to go get a fucking retainer to keep these teeth in line before i get my new aligners for my invisalign my 25th pack and i call i texted dr otto my other one that i have on text and she said yeah i have a prescription ointment because i guess when you get braces you're getting cuts all over your mouth and it inflames and that's what oh no you asked me before the show like what caused it this is the funny part that I was getting to and then I'm going to bring in Andrew

I wrote Dr. R she's kind of like she's very gorgeous very cool um she's she's been on camera a lot for different things that I've done around St. Louis like I'll go in there and they'll like cameras have shot me going in there because it's just a place where I go where they like, are like, you're Nikki. Like I went in there as like, they didn't know who I was. I was just recommended to go there.

And then they were all like, I know you from Howard Stern. Like, she's so cool and like a big fan. And they're always like hooking me up with like free scrunchies. Wait, I have a scrunchie right here. Dr.

Otto scrunchie. Who else has a scrunchie from their orthodontist but she gives me free scrunchies and tooth whitening kits and now I get her number but she she's always kind of like naughty like kind of I always talk to her about like you know if you wear your Invisalign while you're giving oral sex it's actually like better because it smooths out the bottom of your teeth and so you don't have sharp teeth and you can like bite their dick and it like won't hurt um and she was like I know she's so cool I mean she doesn't know from experience but she is hurt that's what I'll say but I wrote her today and I go I got canker sores from which I don't know why I have to explain what I got it from because I just don't want anyone to think I in some nefarious way which I don't even know what that would be but I ate

eggplant this weekend and I have allergic reactions to nightshades sometimes lectins I can't even say the word because of my kinks and um and I was filming at the time I'm at Aladdin Cafe which was my um the place I worked in college for three years I went back to visit this family that I worked for who I love so much and can't in Lawrence Kansas and I'm eating my favorite salad that you see all the time and this dressing somehow had a reaction and then I ate baba ghanoush which is made from eggplants and boom I had like a giant bubble in my tongue that i couldn't address because i was on camera so i just bit it and burst it in my mouth and then that

burst that abrasion led to the kanks and it was mr kank first and then he had he got a wife and then he had over the weekend i was numbing them and performing and it just the abrasiveness led to just more and more so i wrote her and i said i got i got canker sores from eggplant um from eating eggplant and i said not the emoji he he and it was like a fun little doctor but i thought it was kind of funny because that it's like i that is like when you say i got i ate eggplant no one thinks about the eggplant emoji. But eggplant emoji is dick. God, baba ganoush is so good. It sucks and I'm allergic to it sometimes.

If anyone has and also I was reading on the subreddit canker sores last night. I'm so into canker sores now and like theories behind them because they are mysterious and no one knows what really causes them. I mean, they're from abrasions. They're ulcers that are caused by little cuts and tears on your tongue when you bite your tongue, bite your lip. Someone said Diet Coke. And I'm back on the sauce. I've been off Diet Coke for over a decade. And then Andrew got me back on Diet Coke. We're going to talk about Diet Coke when we get back. Let's get him in here. Andrew. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities.

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Oh, boy. What up, Drew? Just give me the light, I'm on the move. What reggae song were we singing this weekend? Oh, girl, I want to make you sweat. Sweat till you can't sweat no more. And when you cry out, I'm going to push it some more. It's a rave-y song.

But I was listening to that song and I got so turned on recently, Noah. Yeah, you were saying that. Because it says, and yeah, I'm going to, and when you cry out, I'm going to push it, push it, push it some more. I'm like, oh my God. They used to play that at my elementary school dances. I love, I love, I love. You know what it is? I never listened to the lyrics.

You just think it's like a fun, funky reggae song about smoking weed in the sun. It is funny. You had a reggae beat to anything. I beat my wife. She was talking some smack. So I grabbed the knife and I started to attack. Oh my God. This is so spring break.

Yeah. That's so funny. It is funny when you break out in lyrics like baby, I'm cold outside. Got so much shit. There's a lot. I mean, there's one Beatles a Beatles song that's like, You better run just as fast as you can, little girl. Hide your head in the sand, little girl.

If I catch you with another man, that's the end, little girl. Boom, boom, boom, boom. And all these people in the audience are dressed in nice clothes going, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And you know, it came out like john lennon was a wife you know beat his wife and was like really cruel and then i was listening the other day on my spotify it came on i was dreaming of the past and my heart was beating fast that i'm just a jealous guy it's like i love i forgave him for that because song, for a guy to admit he's jealous is one of the hardest things.

For anyone, really, to admit they're jealous. But for a man, I think that it's just such a... You know what would be even more incredible? What? If he changed jealous to wife beater. I'm just a wife beater. Now that is impressive because then you're really being honest. Yeah.

Saying you're jealous is like a cover up for them. I'm not forgiving him by any means. No, no, I know. I know you are. If Chris Brown came out and covered that song, I might start listening to... R. Kelly playing it. Yeah, R. Kelly.

I'll forgive every R&B singer who's hurt women in the past. No, Chris Brown, that... One, two, Brown, that. One, two, three, four. I mean, his big thing is when he danced after Britney had that meltdown. Oh, my God. That was, I remember, I mean, we're going off so many tangents here. But first of all, I love the Chris Brown song that is played at that wedding dance, the YouTube wedding dance, which is one of my favorite YouTube videos of all time.

Of all time. Of those. You haven't seen it. It's called JK Wedding Dance, but it's to Chris Brown's Forever. Forever, ever, forever, ever, ever. And he wrote that song, I think, in like three minutes, and he was writing it for a double mint gum commercial.

Oh. Double your favor, double your fun. We'll dance forever. And I'm not even joking. That's really what. So I love that video. And the only thing that I still listen to of Chris Brown's, even though I do like that song.

There's one other song I really love. It's like a slower song. Anyway, back to, we said, girl, I want to make you sweat. And then there was one other thing after that. Something made you happy. No, that was after that. Shoot. We had a list, Chris Brown. What was right before Chris Brown?

Maybe I'm cold outside. Maybe I'm cold outside. Girl, I want to make you sweat. Doesn't matter. John Lennon. Yeah, I don't. Nothing matters. I almost thought you said unleaded.

I'm like, yes. Is it me or we sound exactly alike right now? I know. We both have a speech impediment now. I know, you've gone over... Yeah. My kankies. My kankies make me Andrew.

Now I know what it's like. Oh, all right. Did you give your kankers or like a fun little nickname so it sounds... No, it's a family. It's called a Duggar family of kankers. It multiplied over the weekend.

Oh, my God. It started out as one from that lunch when we were with Adam at Aladdin Cafe. That's when it started. My tongue swelled up. Anyway, a couple things. Diet Coke is possibly a cause of canker sores.

Not enough sleep, which I have been getting. All these things contribute, but Diet Coke, I think I might get off the sauce again. You got me back into Diet Coke. We had a fun ride with DC. And you know what we were doing? You know what? Every time we either would buy a DC for ourselves on the road, we would get one for each other.

And there's something about giving someone a Diet Coke that makes you feel like you're in a Coca-Cola commercial of like, you always share a Diet Coke with your very best friend. He's sitting right here and the song never ends. There was always something very sentimental about it. And I'm sorry that run has to end, but I might be back. I feel like you'll be. The weird thing is,

I never liked Diet Coke. It was Diet Dr. Pepper for me. Diet Coke was like, ugh, if I'm doing diet drinks, let me just go to the ones I want. Diet Dr. Pepper, Diet Root, like Barts. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But now, Diet Coke, my coke my cc's they get you back i mean especially when you really you don't drink or anything i just love going like lifting it up going yeah diet coke dc with a friend in an airport is the best thing you know they used to put the names on the diet cokes and that was almost like they were trying to get us to buy for our friends and now like i'm i just feel like so like marketing is like i think there was pushback because uh they didn't have enough ethnic names yeah there's not donetta is hard to write on a diet coke donetta is the name of our um uh door woman downstairs yes the front desk girl who is just i mean we were raving about her last night she's so professional let me just say donetta uh is just beautiful just such a lovely person one night i

came in crying after having an argument with someone outside walking my dog and she was like nicky are you okay and i was just like i can't talk donetta and i like ran past and she was like was worried about me it was so sweet and i was totally fine and then um i told you this last night noah sometimes my dogs i bragged about it my dogs are off leash comment below if you hate me for it but sometimes i just know my dogs they're so scared to go anywhere without me uh luigi uh was or marion was off leash and i was waiting for the elevator and there's like a little kind of like you can she just trod I was probably on my phone distracted and she trotted away for two seconds around the corner which is like very safe and there was no one down there it was like

11 o'clock at night on like a Monday and then the elevator came and she came back and I go Marion she took a little bit but she came back and she had gone poop and pee outside came upstairs got dressed got in bed washed my face i'm in bed all of a sudden i get a call from the front desk it's donetta and she goes hi nikki and i'm like hi donetta and she goes so one of your dogs just pooped in the hallway down here and i go oh my god i'm so freaking sorry i will at least like i'm so sorry i go donetta can you i am in bed i just got in bed can you pick it up for me i will venmo you 20 dollars right now just tell me or i'll pay you i'll give you cash tomorrow and she goes nikki

that's not that's not our job and i go i hear you i'll be right down and i loved that that that she stood up. She wasn't just going to take the 20. What do you think she would have done it for? 60? No. She's a respectable woman. It's not her job.

And I like that about her. I know. I'm just jealous because I would have done it for five. It's so easy to give in to your tenants here. I think I've done it for five. I'll go, Andrew, he will be down in five minutes. Yeah, he'll be down in five minutes. Yeah, he'll be down in five minutes. I'll give him 15. I love your shoes.

Thank you. They're Netflix. They're Netflix and chill in them and wear them all the time. They are New Balance 2002Rs. Never heard of them. I saw a TikTok of a guy who was way cooler than me, And he goes, here's my outfits for the week. I mean, we are not sponsored, but that's a good looking shoe for a man. Yeah. Until you get it a little bit dirty.

Yeah, I know. I'm going to try to keep it clean. I got a magic eraser just for sneakers that you can use. Oh. So wipe them off every couple of days with the magic eraser. Yeah. I mean, I love new balances right now. I don't know why.

That's what I learned. And I got some OxiClean, too, with white magic eraser. Yeah. I mean, I love new balances right now. I don't know why. That's what I learned on, and I got some OxiClean too with white in it. It's like the powder in the laundry room, Andrew. Yeah. It's a white container. Use a little bit of the OxiClean powder, white, with water, and then use the magic eraser,

and it should take off. I haven't tried it yet, but that's what I read. These are the kind of sneakers, though, that I think do look cool dirty or clean. But you a very clean clean clean but i i like dirty or clean i think those are gonna be good clean i'm gonna get those probably for myself and for my dad i own like uh christmas or uh i feel like you're only gonna get them so then you're like in two months you're gonna go look how much better mine looked in yours because i took care of them i'm

not only getting them for that, but I will do that. Okay, here's why I was so excited when you walked in. Yeah, you were pumped up. I was surprised. I thought I was coming into World War IX. I mean, that's happening in my mouth. And my ears. If I'm distracted in performing, how dare you?

Are you mad at me this morning? No, why? Okay, good. Did you think? No. You were quiet as a little church mouse in your bedroom. I woke up this morning. Brenna wasn't here. Oh, she's not here. That makes sense. I'm like, you two are just in there not talking to each other.

I go, what happened? Brenna's staying with us, Noah. Forever. I mean, let her in. She folded my goddamn laundry over the weekend. I came home. She'd move in tomorrow if you would let her. The place was immaculate.

Should I put you on the spot right now and get Brenna moved in? No, she can't. And I think because I'm Donetta and I have boundaries. And that doesn't mean I don't like Brenna. What if I paid you $20? It didn't mean Donetta didn't like me. Okay, now we're talking. Venmo me at Nikki Glaser.

Okay, here's the thing. And do not send me requests, please. I don't give them. People give me requests all the time one girl wrote me a request 120 for the ticket to your show and the and the um hotel that i got for your show because you said you didn't want me there and i'm like who maybe it was um i think maybe i said i didn't want people there that hadn't been molested i was making a joke of like everyone's been molested i think they had to check your card at the door like i was

making it like a vaccine thing i was just trying to make a point that like i'm like everyone's accepted my show it's not like this was early on when i was talking about topics that were too controversial and upset people but she wrote that and she requested money back and i go no no no i refunded some people money that hated my show did you know wow no i didn't know that like the reddit thing that happened i didn't know we could ask no and i'm not doing it anymore because my show is tight as fuck now like early on listen i'm not gonna go back like if people that wrote those mean things on reddit and said like i hated her show i mean this was before they knew I was giving refunds. They just wrote like an angry thing of like she sucked. I didn't enjoy it.

I asked for a refund from the fucking Borgata. They wouldn't give me one. I thought I was fine. I thought I was good that night but whatever. I went back. I really struggled with those comments. Obviously if you go back and listen to those episodes, if you're a new listener,

I had a really rough week a couple months ago and they made me want to cut myself. And I'm not saying that to be like, you made me do it. It's just like, it really fucked with me. I'm totally recovered from it now because I worked hard and now I'm proud of my set. But I went back to those-

Would you say it pushed you to make a better set? Like if you didn't have that? You know what was really great was I had already quit smoking pot by the time I read those and i think pot contributed to my not being great i was struggling you know like yeah sometimes you buy a ticket to a show where i'm having a i'm struggling and i can't help that and i want to give you the best that was the best i could do you know that really is true but now i'm like clear-headed really i'm if you wrote me and we're like I want a refund for your show this weekend in either Des Moines Kansas City Chicago or even the past four weeks I would say you're

crazy and you have a bad taste in comedy because the show is great if they go you know like there's just I have I'm very confident now yeah um but I did write to those people because I really struggled with it and I go what can I do to like I felt I don't want to waste people's money. That's truly my biggest gripe. It's not like, oh, I'm bad. It's more like I tricked people and I never want to trick people. And so I wrote to those people on Reddit and said, and like after I had calmed down and wasn't feeling like defensive. And I was just like, it wasn't my intention to make you have a bad

experience and I hear you and I'm grateful for the feedback I've gotten which I truly was like that changed my life getting that feedback in in a lot of different ways but um I wrote to them and said I would be happy to refund your money just send me your Venmo or your PayPal and all of them wrote oh my god I can't believe you would do this. Is this real? And I'm like, yeah, it's real. And I hope I can gain you back as a fan, but I totally understand if not. And I really don't care either way. I just wanted to be like, we're even. Like, they didn't lose anything that night.

I didn't take from them. I don't ever want to take from people. But. Did they write back to you when you did that? Yeah. They probably were, like, stunned. Yeah, they were all just like, oh, my God, thank you. one person wrote back a whole thing of like i'm really sorry that i heard the podcast in which you talked about what i had said and like i didn't mean for you to see it and

um it made me realize like maybe i shouldn't mouth off like that about people like thinking you know i'll consider that people that i'm talking about might see it it was something like that i couldn't even read it because i get kind of overwhelmed by like nice stuff and it was nice but i just was like oh i forgive this person already before they even wrote it but it was nice um and that was not my intent to like this person's gonna feel so bad because i'm so nice that was not it it was like like it and that felt good being like not wanting anything so this morning I saw did you see Machine Gun Kelly's post?

he posted a bunch of pictures of him and Megan Fox from GQ cover black and white black and white really hot and he captioned it a life without you

is worse than death put a bullet in my head if we have nothing left and if that ever comes meet me in heaven and let's make love like demons and I commented just said this to my Roomba.

And Comment by Celebs picked it up and reposted it. And I'm just so excited because sometimes I'm going to write something. I know it's going to get a lot of – because he had just posted it 12 minutes before. So I knew it was going to get a lot of attention. And you try to write a joke and it bombs. And I was just thinking of, oh, say this to my Stevia. Like, what could I say this to that would be funny?

And I really, I'm like, what in my life is a funny thing, object that's important to me? And Roomba was the first thing that came to mind as I looked around the living room. And the comments by celebs liked it and put it on their thing,

which, you know, they have 1.7 million followers and all these celebrities follow them. And yeah, it's just nice to see like Drew Barrymore saw it and liked it on their thing, which they have 1.7 million followers and all these celebrities follow them. And yeah, it's just nice to see like Drew Barrymore saw it and liked it. It's just so validating. I don't know what it is about comments by celebs.

It just, and I bet Machine Gun Kelly will see it. Well, is it calling you a celeb that makes you happy? Oh, no, no. I am a celeb. I'm confident about that. No, I know. I'm just saying that you're like in that world.

Well, I'm not saying that I'm a celeb. I know. But I've been on comments by celebs before. It's just like it's validating that I just know people are going to see this dumb joke. Machine Gun Kelly will probably see it. Yeah. Or he probably saw it in his comments because he's going to go to the top. Exactly.

And then he's going to fall in love with you and leave Megan Fox. No, I mean. Maybe. I can't believe that caption. What do you think of that caption? That's a strong declaration. It reminds me of She Hits the Bottle.

They better get married. I mean, like, can you imagine dating him down the road after they split and being like, what are you going to say to me now?

Well, he's going to change that caption to I was kidding. Oh, I don't know. I screenshotted it. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding.

My mom. Yeah, I mean, look, when you go all in on Instagram, that's pretty much engagement right there. i mean look when you go all in on instagram that's that's pretty much engagement right there i mean when you write a poem like that but you know we saw pete davidson ariana grande fall apart i mean it easily can fall apart i still am betting the under on them i'm sorry but i just think it won't last i mean it can't it truly can't i thought you were pro that i thought you i am but I don't think that anything... I also think that 50-year marriages are not that impressive

because I just think people both gave up and didn't think they could... All right, so what's the over-under on Machine Gun Kelly? For how long they're going to last? They're going to last. Let's say a year. Okay, and you're going to go over-under. I'll honestly take the over on that.

On a year? Yeah. I'll go under. All right. I'll honestly take the over on that On a year Yeah I'll go under Alright I think they're gonna break up In eight months Okay And I think what's gonna happen

Is he's gonna cheat on her I don't think that's gonna happen I think And he's gonna write in a poem He He's gonna go Yo Girl

You were my girl in heaven We were demons together But now I want another girl Because she's younger forever i don't think he's i don't think it's about young for him i think that i don't know how it's going to end but it's it's not because i think they're not right for each other i think that i like i want i can't wait to have that kind of romance that that ends like like badly but that kind of love is just angelina jolie uh billy bob thornton ariana grande pete davidson that kind of love is just... Angelina Jolie,

Billy Bob Thornton, Ariana Grande, Pete Davidson, same kind of thing. They got made fun of on SNL this weekend. Did you see the court... It might be coming up in a little bit. More shadow. Maybe. Maybe even before then.

Let's get to the news. Apparently, here it comes. You heard it here first. Yeah. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Ah, God. You heard it here first. We had a lot of heard it here first folks that we met out on the road.

Thank you for coming to the shows. It was so nice meeting so many besties. We probably met like a lot, more than ever. Oh, my God. That's plain. My YouTube. Sorry. That's okay.

Sorry. That was just a... Who was that? What man talking about golf was that? It was actually this thing called the Drew, which is like an NBA slash like guys that didn't make it to the NBA league in LA. And it's like a very big like underground in the hood league. Okay.

It's like real cool. It's actually cool. I think that's actually cool yeah it's cool i don't even know yeah okay yeah a lot of besties came a lot of besties hope you had all this no i can't wait for you to see one of these live shows because even at the beginning of the tour when i would go besties in the crowd it was like a handful smattering it is explosive now yeah it's dope it's like most of the people where the rest of the people really do feel like wait what what why am i not in this contingent i was

telling brenna i have the i go so i have a girlfriend now and literally like you'll just hear we miss you brenna yeah miss you brenna people say yeah and it's so confounding to other people in the crowd, I'm sure. Yeah, someone yelled it. That was for five people. Thanks. I love it. I love it so much. And they're bringing really cute presents for us.

And I got a Taylor Swift dog leash this weekend. All the swells t-shirt was unbelievable. All the swells t-shirt. I guess we'll have to do a live podcast. And we're doing a live podcast coming up. I guess we'll have to do a live podcast. And we're doing a live podcast coming up. I guess we'll have to, right? Oh, right, right. No, you were doing it in the little coy way.

Maybe Joe coy way. She's standing up, you guys, and waving at us. Okay. You know what? We can't help it. Here's to you, Joe. I'm compelled to do it. if you don't understand that joke just go back a couple weeks and and or ask another bestie that you connect with online and they'll fill you in or go to the um nikki glazer uh pod uh should we

announce though like when when uh and where we don't know yet when. But it's going to be in St. Louis sometime between the week of the 24th. Yeah, it'll probably be the Wednesday that week. The 27th. The 27th. Oh, Halloween weekend. Maybe we'll do a Halloween theme. We don't even know. But if you want to come see a live podcast, plan a trip to St. Louis.

Or if you're in St. Louis, make sure to be there. We're probably doing the evening of the 27th of October. Let's get to the news. Alright, a 28-year-old Russian Rapunzel hasn't cut her hair in 23 years and now her hair is down to her ankles. She hasn't cut her hair since she was 5. But at some point, hair just goes, we're good. Does it? It must, because your hair grows way more than that for 23 years.

I mean, it's wild that evolution, it doesn't cut off and give you layers around your middle, your back. Wouldn't that be funny if evolution- Like turned it into the rachel because it was like we just find that women are having more sex when they have this kind of hair so to procreate more the human species okay this girl has you know there is a fine line between long hair and long hair this is like you know what's it called? Sister wife hair. This is like Mormon sister wife. Like my husband is Warren Jeff's hair. Yeah. I mean, there gets to a point where it starts to

become too animalistic when it gets probably past the middle of your ass. It's not even animalistic. I just picture the woman kind of just having tiny little glasses and having very pale skin. And it's not even like it's like frizzy around the crown. And it's like the ends are just like real. I mean, look at me with my hair talking about anyone with frizzy, bad ended hair. I mean, my hair is the longest it's been in forever. Oh, as I pull out a piece. And it's curly right now.

So it's probably past my nips uh and it's i love having i love having long hair but and i think this this will probably it won't get any longer than this like it's just my hair will know like okay i didn't realize how long your hair is i know that's what brenna said to me the other day yeah your hair is so long i never don't just say to that i I'm like, just keeps growing. Yeah. It keeps going in here. I just keep living.

Now, why have you grown it longer? Even when you dye your hair, it keeps growing. Really? No. I hear that. Yeah, it does. Skeletons having long hair. They're very happy about it.

I like having long hair. Well, guys, guys, your beard will just keep growing. Your hair will keep growing. your hair will keep growing your nails will keep growing your ears grow yeah your nose grows everything grows that you don't want to grow though your ears and nose grow possibly because you lose hearing and you lose like your senses when you get older do your hands get bigger too like more sense more fingertips oh that's a good question or and your tongue might get bigger. But I just –

I don't have room for anymore. But I don't understand like with evolution, going back to my scientific words, your nails getting longer and your hair – it just doesn't work. Like you can't pick things up if your nails are too long. If your hair is too long, you'll trip over it. It's just – it's a lot. I mean I don't understand why our body We need nails for digging

and using tools. Your nails will grow and they will start spinning. We used to do so much with them that they would get filed down. A natural nail file is just a rock or a brick wall. It easily comes off. I'm just saying left on.

No one was doing that back in the day. You just don't leave your stuff on. It's just wild that'm just saying left on... But no one was doing that back in the day. You just don't leave your stuff on. It's just wild that they just keep going. It's just wild to me. But they don't. That woman's hair, 23 years of not cutting your hair. So your hair grows about a half an inch every month. Okay.

So that is six inches a year. So six times 23 is... 140. 129. 140 something okay maybe so well that would should be 140 inches which is way longer than just to her ankles because 140 inches divided by 12 is 12 24 36 40 yeah it's a very tall person that's a tall person 72 yeah it's much longer so it did decide to stop at where it would start. Okay, but even that long, it's just not a good, it's not good if you're running away from a saber-toothed tiger

if your hair was that long. Yeah, I don't know how they cut their hair back in the day. Probably with just like sharp arrowheads. On rock. Yeah. I'm just surprised that God decided to let things go that long. Like, it's up to you. Because if not, your shit's getting...

Like, if you were stuck in a room with bubbles on the wall, your shit would just grow. God, there's just something... I've been craving shaving my head again. I'm not going to do it, but there's been something. When I see women with no hair, I'm like, I like it. I mean, it's hot. It's just so badass.

It's hot. Yeah. Yeah, a shaved head. And it's weird to say. I almost said it to a woman. I like your hair the other day, but she didn't have any. So I like your head. I like what you've done with your hair, might be the way to say it.

Next story. A woman grows her hair for four years. What do we think? No. You're dealing with lost split ends. Could you imagine if that was just the next story? Oh, that's the next story. Hilarious.

Woman grows her hair for three months. A dog casually throws up a pink sex toy in the middle of a vet's office. Casually? I just, like, I was like, what? And it was just, like, so casual. Yeah, he was just, like, wearing jean shorts. Pomp and circumstance. Jean yeah and they go i don't know what that is oh my god no a zoom in zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom you probably own that oh my god that's a big toy oh sweet dog that's a

looks like a rabbit yeah it's a rabbit with something that inserts as well. Oh, my God. That poor thing. That dog. How did it do that? Well, I would assume he was hooking up with his owner and got a little excited. Oh, my God. That's insane.

My dogs have never gone for my toys. Yeah, and they're not that big. You would think they would. I mean, how would they know the difference by smell yeah probably um have they ever eaten anything of yours or like you know torn something apart i saw my dog ate a frog one time but it was like a toad uh brandy or labrador and the thing brad door he swallowed it whole and the thing was still jumping and then no in his throat you can see his throat go yeah god yeah yeah um and i i a frog has been used as a sex toy by a chimp before i saw on a video oh my gosh that's pretty disturbing no it's so gross

no i had what does um buzzy get into any things or like thongs eat your underwear what is actually um hair bands i had an ex and uh you know we were getting down or whatever and my underwear was on the floor and when i was leaving the next day or something i went to put my underwear on and it was shredded like right where my puss would go. And his dog ate my underwear. It's like an excuse, your homework excuse. Dude, I have the same story. My buddy brought a girl home to my mom's house in Florida. And my mom, she seemed like kind of a loose woman.

Your mom did? No, no, no. The girl that my buddy brought home and when the girl was leaving she dropped her panties on the floor and my dog marge not brand brandy was dead already but marge went to go sniff and bite the underwear and my mom who has never reprimanded the dog literally like ran as fat to get marge away from the underwear. I was like, we've seen Marge eat her own dog shit. Like, yeah, like it was so funny to see my mom be like, suddenly really vigilant about a dog.

And Marge is like, you haven't acknowledged or fed me in years yet. I'm not allowed. I'm just starving woman. Yeah, it could have been anyone's underwear. You know, it was so funny. Man, I've never had a dog eat my no i've never had that but one time luigi got i think he got caught up in my underwear like it was wrapped around his he wasn't even trying to eat it but he just like i don't know in bed or something it was wrapped

around his head it was so cute it was like he looked like a little gypsy and i took a little picture of it because one of his paws was through one of the holes and then his head was around the other he was just like kind of like stuck like a duck in one of those like six pack rings. He's so cute. Yeah. That was your reference to how cute he was. It was so cute. An animal dying and recycling.

Oh, man. Next story. Oh, man. Okay. Story. A woman grows her hair for three hours okay how many how quick would you go crazy if i kept doing that all right paul mccartney says john lennon is responsible for the beatles breakup i thought you were gonna say the beating of uh yeah i heard about this so why are why is

paul mccartney saving these little nuggets? Just to like, hasn't all the info about the Beatles been sucked out of that man yet? Why are there still things he's just like, well, I remembered it the other day. Well, doodly-doo. I'm doing the fucking Dana Carvey impression. Well, I think what it is is, well, after reading the article, Paul announced he was leaving the band initially. So everyone put it on him. Got it.

But really, it was John saying he came in and he's just like, hey, I'm done here, essentially. And he goes, wait, where is it? I'm not the guy that instigated. John walked into the room one day and said, I'm leaving the Beatles. Is that instigating the split or not? He adds, this was my band, this was my job, this was my life,

so I wanted it to continue. I'm calling my dad because my dad is a Beatles historian. Pretty much he's read everything. He's got to have some insight into this. Hi, Dad. You're on the Nikki Glaser podcast live. I'm sorry, I'm on a Bluetooth on your podcast live?

Yeah. Okay. So we have a news article about Paul McCartney saying that John Lennon was responsible for the Beatles breaking up, even though Paul was the first one to come out about it. Thus, people blamed Paul. What are your thoughts? Why hasn't Paul talked about this before? Haven't we gotten every piece of information about the Beatles that we could have possibly had at this point?

I guess he's getting older and just maybe more forthcoming now that he's, you know, got limited years left. So he's venting more than he would have. And what do you think about this news? Yeah, it was no big revelation to me that but John was the one that probably did it, and you know, it all gets back to Yoko. Really? I mean, we can blame Yoko. I remember

there were those shirts and those bumper stickers at that Beatles store in Union Square that said I still blame Yoko, and I remember thinking it's so cool to blame Yoko, and now I'm like, John chose her. Yeah. I her. Yeah. I know. Yeah, that's the bumper sticker we have in our basement still.

It says, still pissed at Yoko. Oh, still pissed at Yoko. It's funny. But he's still laughing at it. All right, Dad, well, we just wanted to get your input. Any other cool Beatles trivia you want to share with us? Oh, you know what i have a you know i would talk about at the beginning of the show john lennon obviously it came out later on and

maybe you guys knew it back then was a pretty notorious wife beater and not that kind of a guy kind of a guy and then um he was that kind of a guy imagine and imagine that and then I was wondering about the song I'm Jealous Guy and was that like him apologizing for that acknowledging that or was that you know

only in hindsight like oh well he's kind of admitting it nobody knew it at the time when Jealous Guy came out and that's one of his

better songs I think ever I love that song me too but people didn't know it until really after he died that he was really abusive and how abusive he was to uh his son to julian he really didn't give a shit about him and all that kind of stuff but you know he was a flawed character like a lot of great

artists have been over the years but uh he made up for it a lot and you know kind of interesting thing uh there's a song that i play when I play for the retirement homes it's called far away places name the song but there's a there's a line in it where he goes call me a dreamer well maybe I am I've got to find for myself anyway story goes John Lennon had this legendary jukebox it was filled with all kinds of old songs and one of his favorite songs was a Bing Crosby song called Far Away Places. And that's where he got the line for Imagine. You know, call me a dreamer.

You may say I'm a dreamer. Oh, wow. I'm not the only one. Yeah, so he stole that from Far Away Places. I love that. Yeah, no, sometimes when I'm trying to write lyrics, I sometimes make homages to Taylor Swift songs, because I know that people,

not to be like, I wrote this, it's different, but to be like, this is to pay tribute to this song that meant a lot to me. So I think that's cool. I'm just like John Lennon. Okay, Dad, I gotta go. Real quick, have you tried the Jeff Tweedy method to write down 10 words words 10 words from some category

and then find 10 other words and try to match them up and try to get your brain to free up for lyric writing no I'll try that that's a good tip that I did read in that book called how to write one song alright love you dad talk to you later bye

alright there you have it let's come back after this short break for Why Do I Care? 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending,

or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more.

Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help,

I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere.

It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager.

Responsible and driven, and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost,

I found hope with community, and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crumbs as part of the Michael Luda Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, you guys. I'm Catherine Legg.

I'm a racing driver who's literally driven everything with four wheels across the planet. And I've got a new podcast.'s called throttle therapy this season i'm gearing up to make history competing in some of the world's most notorious racing events starting at the indy 500 join me as i travel from racetrack to racetrack in my quest to continue a memorable career in racing i'm also going to bring you inside stories with legends of sports, new faces from the next generation of auto racing and conversations with the people who supported me throughout my career. We'll be getting into everything from karting to NASCAR, even Formula One.

Whether you dream about being a pro athlete or an astronaut, we're talking about what it takes to make it. Listen to Throttle Therapy with Catherine Legg, an iHeart women's sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty,

founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Andrew, why do I care? Who knows? Okay, here we go. Why do I care? Oh,? Okay. Why do I care? Oh, sorry. Machine Gun Kelly, Massage Gun Kelly reacts to Pete Davidson's SNL impersonation. Oh, I haven't heard this.

Tags SNL in a tweet and says, I think it's time for me to come on the show as Pete. They're best friends. Okay. Well, this will be awesome. Yeah. So it wasn't a long thing. It was daring a Kim Kardashian. Yeah, daring Kim Kardashian sketch. And it was a quick.

Pete Davidson was being Machine Gun Kelly. Yeah, and Chloe Fineman was Megan Fox. It was funny. Oh, did you see it? Yeah. Oh, you did see it. It was good. Yeah.

Her impression was awesome. His was great, too. It was really kind of fun because you knew that he's best friends with machine gun kelly and it was fire fire yeah and it was a really you saw the impression yeah it was good it's just like it's a lot like and then them just like like twirling their tongues together at the end was hilarious and like i i yeah i just liked it i mean that sketch was a shit show of like you know just throwing a bunch of things together having chloe in there,

having Kim, Kim's monologue. I mean, I guess we should talk about it a little bit. You watched it, right? Yes, I did.

She looked amazing. I mean, that's my favorite color in the world, that pink. And I'm so glad she's like bringing it back. I thought she did a really good job. She's a perfectionist and works really hard. So that doesn't surprise me.

You know, I'm saying all the same stuff that everyone said really cool that she was able to do those jokes that were kind of like brutal a lot of them I almost got jealous because it was like the brutality of those jokes were like roast jokes you know it's like they don't

usually have that for SNL jokes you know what I mean SNL is a different kind of like humor and I'm like hey don't take my thing and give it to Kent. There was a part of me that was like, this is for Comedy Central Rose. Yes. Some of those were, especially the Corey. The sister one. The gold figure.

I don't even know how you'd become one. I should ask my mom's boyfriend, Corey. And then, yeah, the sisters using her as a- Her body as a, yeah. No, I thought it was good. I thought she delivered it well. Even though they made a joke during the Alec Baldwin roast that Caitlyn Jenner brought in a picture of me

as a reference photo for her transformation. I was going to say, maybe it it got cut but i do remember that joke i do think like people watch it and they it's funny when you don't expect your bar is low for someone so even if they get a 7 out of 10 or something everyone's like it was the best she should be a stand-up comedian no she when is she i know that's what i'm saying no but i'm saying though like i need everyone to know that those jokes the delivery she did good in terms like she didn't slip up on words which is like good but the timing was a three the they could have been they could have been so much better because of the timing that's coming from someone who yeah is an expert yeah but i gotta say like

hearing people's reaction of like it's so good i'm like and even like jean smart on hacks she does i i do not i everyone's like she's the best actress ever i'm like it's not her delivery on jokes is is not okay for a female a female comic of that stature at that point. Now, I guess you just can't fake that. You can't act that. It's impossible. But I see – because I'm an expert at it. It's like we were talking about the other night.

When you watch Ted Lasso or any actors playing athletes or athletes yeah you can always tell when someone's an actual athlete as opposed to when someone is a guy who just has like trained with some athletes and gotten some pointers like you know that i would never know the difference it's funny because it could be so subtle and you can see it it's like bright as day let me do an expert can i do a delivery of a kim joke that i would have done we'll listen to to hers, and then we'll hear what I do with the joke. Because there were some that I was like, oh, girl, that would have been so good if you just did this. If someone would have coached her on the timing just a little bit. There are three new guys.

While you're looking that up, there's these three new guys that did a sketch on SNL that were fantastic. Oh, it fucking went away. God dang it. They did. Okay, it was a seltzer sketch on SNL. were fantastic. Oh, it fucking went away. God dang it. They did. Okay, it was a seltzer sketch on SNL. Check it out. These guys are very new. They're new.

They're like the new Lonely Island guys. And they're like, oh my God, JCPenney seltzer. Like everything has a seltzer. Oh, that's funny. It's really funny. Anyways, go ahead. You need a host? Why?

I haven't had a movie premiere in a really long time. I mean, actually, I only had that one movie come out and no one told me it was even premiering. It must have slipped my mom's mind. It must have slipped my mom's mind. I would have said, you know, I don't even know why I'm hosting. It's like, I haven't had a movie premiere in so long. I mean, there was that one, but honestly, I didn't even know movie premiere in so long. I mean, there was that one,

but honestly, I didn't even know when it was premiering. I guess it must have slipped my mom's mind. Yes. A little bit more, it must have slipped my mom's mind. Da-da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da-da. The one about Corey. A lot of people, I'm married to the richest black man, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. The one thing people can say a lot of people, I'm married to the richest black man, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The one thing people can say a lot about me, they cannot say I'm a gold digger. Honestly, I don't even know how you would become a gold digger. Let me do it again. Honestly, I don't even know how you'd become a gold digger. I mean, I guess I could ask my mom's boyfriend, Corey, but just a little. A subtle misdirection where it feels more uh like she's coming up with it at the moment of that but guess what for kim kardashian's level and what i would think she would be able to do i give her a 10 out of 10 in terms of like her

ability walking into it for sure and who knows how many times she was able to go over it when those jokes actually got there reading it off the prompter she is a fucking i know enough about her that she is just so professional so works so hard you can say what you want about the other sisters but kim really works hard and i know that she took that so seriously and like probably worked harder than i would like to talk to some snl people to hear what she did put the work she put in versus other people um because i i just you could tell it showed she that's so nerve-wracking to do an snl monologue i would be fucking scared as shit by the way owen wilson's the week before did you see it no fantastic fantastic it was good yeah it was so good talk about a delivery where it does feel completely natural.

Because he only speaks, you know, he speaks so slow, kind of like a Norm MacDonald. Like, it's his own voice. He kind of does. It's a little, like, Melissa Villasenor. Did she end up doing an impression of him to him? I don't know. I just saw the monologue. That had to have happened in Weekend Update.

All right, let's get to top one, bottom one. Today's category is things we get from the drugstore. Things we get from the drugstore. All right. We all go to the drugstore to get prescriptions, to get candy. Fucking everything is there. Let's start with the worst thing you buy at the drugstore. Now, this can be something that you don't even want to buy.

And you're like mad that you had to buy it but i'm guessing i made mine from the point of view of like i why did i buy this yeah mine was different but i don't know i feel like the drug store you're if you're going there in a hurry it's never positive ah okay you know what i mean you're like oh fuck i gotta get to a drug store but this my my, should I do my bottom? Yes, please. My bottom is razors, actually. Mach 3 or any razor that's partly expensive because it's locked away.

Oh, I hate having to press that button. You have to press the button. And usually now, like Walgreens or whatever, there's like two people that work there. And one is at the registrar. And the other one doesn't want to be bothered. Registrar? I tried to say it right. one is at the registrar and the other one doesn't want to be father i said i tried to say it right register what's registrar that's like where you go to um like on a college campus to register for classes fuck i went with the wrong one i was trying to really say register is a cash register yeah but you don't know the difference between a registrar and a cash register you know i i at the last second i went with star i get it but that one is that was uh interesting no i'm a moron no i'm a ron there you go yeah um

but yes and you have to ring the button or you have to like go find someone because i feel bad ringing that button is like ringing a button on an airplane you don't for some like that it's just so like bougie to be like, excuse me, excuse me. Like today, the other day we were on the plane and it was accidentally on. And the woman's like, can I help? Did you need something? I was like, oh my God, no, no, no, no. I swear.

I swear I don't need it. I mean, it would be funny if that button was though, like connected to like the nuclear codes and you like blew up a small island or something. Like what? I was just trying to buy razors. Yeah, no one's ever pressed that button like on purpose to get the flight attendant and if you do what the fuck well usually it's probably to be like this guy's not wearing a mask and then right and then uh you know then things think then you get out your phone things because things about to get wild then you'll be on passenger shame um i uh The button, you had to press it the other day. I was at a CVS.

It was a bad part of town. And I mean, eyelashes were locked up. Every little, I was trying to get little falsies to buy. And I had to rip it off the thing. Because I was just like, I'm not. Wait, what? You broke it? I break it.

Because I'm just like, I'm going to buy it. I just don't want to wait for this girl that's at the front the only woman working there wait you broke the actual like lock no I ripped the packaging so that it could rip through the do you know what I mean like it's not in the plastic but it has like a little the end of it

you can't slide it off the thing so I just ripped it because I'm like I'm not gonna steal it it's like you know so but it's it's sad though when you see like diapers locked up or baby formula and you're just like fuck i know it does suck um okay so i would say the thing that i least like to buy at um one of these places is and i haven't bought it yet, but what makes me really sad is the diaper aisle for adults.

And I'll have to buy it someday. Like the old person aisle. There's always like, last week I saw a harness that you wrap around a man that's trying to get out of bed. And then you put it on yourself too so you can help your dad out of bed.

Wow. And it was just like all these depressing like weird the only time you use that is parachuting or getting your almost dead father out of bed it's like really fun or really sad the packaging is always so funny though because there's always like a really handsome like you know silver fox wearing like underwear like a diaper like on on the cover just having like the time of his life look suck cells baby and yeah just that that aisle kind of makes me sad and then also i mean right next to it is the tampons and i hate um just all the different brands and like how we're marketed to as women of like these are pearls because

they're made out like we like jewelry so we're just like then i i should buy this because it's made out of pearls like but i i am drawn to the ones that are like sporty tampons because you're sporty and you're like, I am sporty. I'm going to pay five more dollars than I would for these OB ones that are better for the planet. You can just shove up with your finger. Plastic applicator, like it's all this like, they're pink and they're shiny or they're compact

because we don't want to ever have them look like a relay baton we want to be able to palm them to each other like we're dealing meth i mean i think they're doing everything to because bleeding's dirty and being a woman is dirty and it's like let's shine you up during this dirty thing like so then your it plays a trick on your brain to be like oh it's just a i'm just putting in a pearl. You forget the dirtiness of the blood. Yeah. It's just like if they made tampons for men, they wouldn't call them pearls.

They'd call them sawdust tampax. Steel toe tampax. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. You know, something manly. Yeah. It's just like they think we're so stupid, and we are are sometimes um no what is your least favorite thing at the drugstore um at my previous job we had a walgreens in the building and um i really needed a preparation h like a hemorrhoid

hell yeah that's my girl and there was no self-checkout and i was just so mortified i tried to take it and like hide it in snacks and stuff but i'm like ultimately they're still gonna have to parse through and scan it so i made my friend roland buy and he had no shame thank goodness that's so funny i would have not bought it really no don't be like andrew with his scabies making up other things just get your medicine there's no harm in needing preparation aids you just said it on a podcast i know you don't want to see a person's face knowing that you need that i used to always buy pregnancy tests for my friends because i was like god this guy's gonna think i'm having sex like i was like i'll do it or tan or condoms

guys are weird buying condoms sometimes even though it just shows that you're fucking. Yeah, but preparation. Yeah, I love that you mixed it in with Doritos and Snickers. And you're like, oh, this will trick them. Like, oh, I'll just make a nice little sandwich. Yeah, they just think you're picking up Halloween candy. And they're just, oh, sure. This is just another one of those favors she's giving out.

Then it sticks out more. You might as well get something worse than Preparation H. Get some kind of Vagisil. Get those adult diapers. Yeah, get adult diapers and Vagisil. It seems like you're buying stuff for someone else. Yes, yes, smart. That's good. I bet there are so many products sold,

extra stuff that you wouldn't normally get so that people don't have to feel embarrassed. She only needed that, but she bought a bunch of if i were a company i would put a little cardboard cutout thing next to embarrassing items so that it like almost looks like the same yeah packaging so that people could buy that and think that they thought of it themselves like oh i'll hide it within this thing and i like your it's like when i bought the penis pump and i bought magnum condoms to then be like oh the pump is for my friend and the magnums are for me man you did some mental gymnastics on that one no one everyone just probably thought he thinks he's gonna pump up his penis enough that he's gonna need magnums

this sad guy yeah okay number one thing um zantac which i've heard might lead to cancer but everything can i guess but i get heartburn back in the day before zoloft before i stopped drinking the heartburn would lead to i'm having a heart attack which would lead to heartburn from just eating poorly pringles probably is it really i don't know when i was eating bad you know can you can you like trace it to a certain type of food because that's what i'm doing with these cankers i'm like i don't know. When I was eating bad, you know. Can you like trace it to a certain type of food? Because that's what I'm doing with these cankers. I'm like, I don't want to ever get this again. For some reason, I ate either an old or new banana.

I don't remember. It was either too new or too old. It was either green or brown. It wasn't yellow. I don't really remember. But all I know is the heartburn was like, dude, guys, I mean, women too can get heartburn where it goes here, then down your arm and it like can be in your whole body.

And then you try to burp it out. And the more I try to burp out the heartburn, the more it actually puts pressure on my chest, which then, you know, it is the same like symptoms as a heart attack and then your brain goes a heart attack you go i'm gonna die while driving my camry down this at down 95 you gotta pull over sometimes i'd go to the er i never have a fear i'm gonna die like when i'm sick yeah there it never goes to that of like it's cancer i don't know why that is yeah well i've been better about it but i feel like i'm not missing out but i feel like what's cancer i don't know why that is yeah well i've been better about it but i feel like i'm not missing out but i feel like what's wrong with me because it feels like everyone else

goes to that i'll tell you what it is your own little roller coaster i bet like literally like it literally does feel like that but do you get a picture at the end of it yeah i'm just like in bed going but yeah so, so Zantac, if you take it before you eat an older, new banana, it can save your life from spiraling, especially if you're dealing with that shit. And Recticare, shout out. I was gonna...

Yeah, it was a tough toss-up between the two. Okay, but we know Recticare as well. And Noah, what about you for your favorite? My birth control pills. Yeah. Thank goodness for those. That's all I gotta say. Truth. That always feels good.

Getting a prescription always feels good because you go, God, I got a month before I have to fucking worry about this shit again. You always like that filled up thing. Love it. It's fucked up they do only one month, I think. Right. because it makes you spending more like i get a three month for three oh you do get a three month wow i think it just depends on

insurances or whatever do you take a pill can i ask you what birth control you take uh yeah it's just generic okay yeah i i get such i'm not on birth control because i'm not even having any sex in that region but um i i get such bad migraines from uh i guess when i had the um iud in uh i had the morena i think uh iud and it it gave me migraines so if you get migraines and you have that in maybe get that taken out um i would say my number one thing it's a toss-up i'm gonna give it a tie i'm sorry i can't just do one sally hansen leg spray what is that a tanning that's the stuff i spray all over my body before shows before anything it is it makes it gives you a new skin tone it's like you know tan leggings and it dries within a couple minutes.

It does not come off. You can spray it on. You don't have to rub it on. If you want to, you can take, before it dries, you can take a big bronzer brush and rub it in. I put it on my face.

I put it everywhere. It's just such a great color. It saves me. It covers bruises. It makes your legs look like a different person's legs. I use it every time I go on stage.

It ends up all over the green room. All over the green room. All over the... You know, Nikki's performed there and not from writing on the wall it just looks like that's how i should sign the wall as a cave drawing of like where they used to blow red paint into my hand but it's sally hansen it's everywhere dude um my i have white boots that i wear a lot and they are turning orange by the end the tour, they're going to be orange new boots. And then the second thing I got a shout out to, if you have canker sores, do not try to tough them out. There's a great thing called the canker patch that I got, which has been the best thing.

I bought it today. It is a little patch that you put on your canker sore. You dry it. How does it stick? You dry it first, and then you stick on your canker sore. You dry it and then you put it on. How does it stick? Oh, you have to. You dry it first and then you stick it and you wait. And it really did. You have it in right now? Um, yes. Right now I have Ambasol in because it was kind of because it's harder to talk with it on because

it's a little patch. But I one of them came out in the opening. I mean, we were saying. Yeah, well I have four in. Because I have four. i had to put a patch on each one uh there's ambasol and kanka all of these like numbing things are so like they saved my life they saved my life i it's the worst pain i've ever felt and um or one of them not nearly as bad as migraine but close and um i couldn't sleep last night. I got like three hours of sleep. And all I need is sleep for these fucking things.

I canceled everything today, though, except this. Go right to sleep after this. Final thought. I canceled my – I'm writing a book, and I canceled my meeting about the book. I canceled another meeting I had for my recovery. So that's fine. But I'm going to like journal. In lieu of these things, I'm going to write.

And then I also canceled my getting my under eyes filled. So I took care of myself today. Today's day off. This weekend was so fun. So fun. Thank you so yeah to everyone who came to shows des moines on thursday night kansas city on friday night chicago on saturday night we did two shows in chicago uh one in des moines and kansas city all of them were like filled to the

brim um meet and greets are just changing my fucking world y'all like i posted about it the other day but meeting you guys is um next level like i i people have been special i used to say that i didn't like meeting fans or doing meet and greets and the reason was was because i felt they felt like obligated to do it it was a lot of times drunken people that just didn't really know who i was they were mainly fans of like my roasts or whatever. And not that if you're a fan of my roasts, I don't want you, my roasts are,

I'm very proud of them. But people that are friends of this podcast that come to these, I know instantly when you walk up because I can tell you want to hug because you're seeing your friend Nikki and I can tell I'm seeing my friend Liz or my friend Cassie or my friend.

There was this really cute, I believe, Indian man that came. Oh, my God. And his friend. Srikut, I think his name was. You know what I love about Indian guys? You shake their hand and they give you the most gentle handshake. There's no like alpha about it. They're just like, hello.

And they have soft hands. But they're just like hello and they have soft hands but they're such men and they're so like they're like the men that are fans of mine i have like older men that are like sometimes my dad's age i am so honored by men who are into what i do and they're usually pretty secure men it seems like they're it's so rare that i get touched inappropriately at shows and if i do they're never a best like it's so rare that I get touched inappropriately at shows and if I do they're never a bestie it's so rare that I have someone ask me can I look like I'm going down on you for the photo can I finger you for this photo

that used to happen all the time I love meet and greets I mean there's a part of me that just wants to that's what I want to do is like have meetups with fans and just do Q&A's and like learn about people and have us all like talk about ourselves and like share our hopes and dreams and like I don't know meet each other but yeah whenever I'm like standing by you when you're getting a

meet-and-greet and I just hear she's a bestie I always go he's a bestie come here it's a bestie and I just I get like you could see it in their face, man. You really can. It's really touching. It's emotional to like, you see that like, oh my God, we're connected. Like, it's not just this internet bullshit. And I know parasocial relationships aren't real, but there is real shit happening. And when you meet someone, you could really feel it.

And it's awesome. Thank you for coming to shows and supporting everything. It's awesome. So many of these girls i don't even know what to say to them they're like i love you you know this is like you meeting taylor swift and i love that they say that because they they know that i do know what it's like like i do understand it and like but the and i see taylor swift meet fans and she has the same reaction that i do like she loves her fans I never have

understood that love of fans I kind of always thought it was bullshit which is what I posted about on my Instagram of like of course you love your fans they fucking love you but I love my fans because they're just open to be like hearing they love me despite how um fucked up I can be sometimes and like they just I just I'm so grateful like i feel uh you know i never thought i'd be like i want to live for my fans but i think that that's something now that i i i have like a purpose now because i feel like people really depend on me and i depend on them and when when they go oh you know you like keep me company i'm like you keep me like when i'm talking into the ether in this room or

we're just talking like i feel like they keep us company like as dumb as that sounds i never believed when people said that honestly when when celebrities said that um and it's not like because you like me you really like me it's like i just it it maybe it is because you like me but it's because i feel understood and i feel closer to my fellow human being because I'm sharing things on here that are making people feel less alone with themselves and so then I feel less

alone because I know that they relate it's just so nice and they love you Noah so much they always say tell Noah I said hi and I love her so like they're always like they love us all three of us it's so sweet i'm so touched and see us live in st louis yeah we're gonna do more live shows we're working out the details i don't want people to like start posting on the reddit besties

hey what's going on they just kind of because i don't know that it's going to be able to support hundreds and hundreds of people so i don't want people to like we'll let you know um don't know that it's going to be able to support hundreds and hundreds of people. So I don't want people to like, we'll let you know. Don't get too excited. Make sure you go to NikkiGlazerPod on Instagram. That's probably where we'll post and announce that's going on. Yeah. And maybe we'll make a post in the subreddit. Thank you guys so much, though.

Anything else, Andrew? No, that was perfect. Someone made us bracelets. Oh, yeah. There's one for you, Noah. It was funny. I was on stage. They made Ian one from our old U-Up days. I was on stage. I made us bracelets. Oh, yeah. There's one for you, Noah. It was funny. I was on stage.

They made Ian one from our old YouUp days. I was on stage, and I did a joke. And I could just hear someone in the front row go, that's a good one, Andrew. And it felt like, are we, like, I just could hear it, and no one else could hear it. I almost addressed it. And it was just like, that's a good one, Andrew. That's awesome.

Like, that's real. It didn't feel like patronizing at all, either. It was just like, here's a good one, Andrew. That's awesome. Like, that's real. Like, it felt, it didn't feel like patronizing at all either. It was just like, here, I'm supporting you, bro. And dude, you're killing, like, yeah, I don't know. It was just funny. That's what I feel when I say kuh. Sometimes I don't, like, I don't, I just say kuh in my set. I'll be like, and then a guy has, like, a shirt on that says da-da-da.

And I'll go like, kuh. And people who don't know will just be like, oh, she just said cool. But the laughter that I get from that from people who know what kuh is is so satisfying. Yeah, it feels cool. We have like a secret language. Thank you guys so much. Very grateful for you. Spread the good word of the show, or don't.

Do whatever you got to do. But we're your friends. I'm your friend. And love you so much. And thank you for all the kind notes and everything. We'll get to them during Fanthrax this week. And thank you for the gifts. But you do not need to bring those.

But, man, they're appreciated. And don't be cut. And Jack. Jack Antonoff. Did you do that one last week? I thought Jack Johnson. Oh, shit. Oh, okay.

Jack. It's fine. Joel, the holidays are a blast. But the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast.

Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors.

And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, then tune into my podcast, Building One. I speak with some of the best product builders out there. I've always been inspired by frustration. It came back to my own personal pinpoint. So we had to go out to farmers and convince them. Following that curiosity is a superpower. You have to be obsessed with the human condition.

Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. Did you know that 70% of people get hired at companies where they already have a connection? I'm Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's editor-at-large for jobs and career development. And on my podcast, Get Hired, I bring you all the information you need to, well, get hired.

Landing a job may be tough, but Get Hired is here for you every step of the way with advice on resumes, networking, well, get hired. Landing a job may be tough, but Get Hired is here for you every step of the way with advice on resumes, networking, negotiation, and so much more. Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you like to listen.