The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #124 Run Through A Locker

Episode Date: October 22, 2021

Between you and Nikki, it's best to stay positive and to stop wanting others to have what you have. Nikki tells Andrew that her cankers are back and it doesn't want to make her want to go to bed early. Andrew learns about the steam function on the dryer. They talk about organizing, Nikki likes the Amy Schumer method and explained why Roomba is locked in the bathroom. You Heard It Here First, assertive vs. aggressive, raunchy lyrics from 1981 and Andrew's Sports Moment rails again cancel culture. Besties bring it in the Fanthrax segment and we discover an early video of Andrew. In the Final Thought, they talk about the "men" in mental health. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki.

Hello. Welcome to the Nikki Glaser Podcast. It's Nikki Glaser. It's Thursday. Thank you so much for listening and watching on our YouTube channel. You can find a link to that, you know, at Nikki Glaser pod on Instagram. It's the link is in our bio. I overheard Noah this morning.

You were on Zoom with Andrew and Mark, our kind of technical, creative producer. Love him. Mark and you guys were talking about the YouTube comments. And I was putting my duvet on my comforter. You mean you were wrestling with your duvet. I mean, I told Andrew, I go, tell them I'm putting my duvet on so I'll be there in two days um so yes I was I was getting some cardio in before the show and um I heard you saying that you've been you said you know um I'm really surprised like the YouTube comments are actually really really nice

you know aside from some of the spam and I didn't hear you say spam I just thought like beside aside from and and then I was like, I think I kind of went like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I kind of think I earmuffed, so I wouldn't hear. And then you guys are elaborating on the spam and how you're working to get those comments removed or whatever. But I feel like even spam is positive. Yeah, it was like free sex or something like that. Oh my God, that's positive too. It's sex positive. I'm grateful that the comments have mostly been nice.

I'm definitely not reading them, but I was thinking like it might be fun to try to make our videos the most positively commented on videos on YouTube. Like I think we might be able to do it. Like I think that if i ask my fans i think and honestly i think it might be good for people people's souls i don't want you to say anything that isn't true so like if all you can say is um i like the mask the dog behind you

is wearing uh in the shot or i like that shirt or what or like you have arms like you can literally go right you have arms and with an x like three exclamation marks that's that will be i just want to bombard the comments with positivity and i and not because i mean let me just say it is it is uh double-sided here like or it's um many levels to this i wanted because i want people to say nice things about me even though i'm not going to read them because i'm just scared that people might say something mean like you might have an adjective about my arms and even if it's a good adjective it might not be the one i want you know what i'm saying so like you look a lot of people say i look jacked a lot of times which I take as a huge compliment because

I don't do fucking anything for my arms so if anything like I'll get back let me put a pin in that thought for a second because I do have a good point about that and we'll return to it but I want I think that when you write something positive and like I was saying the other day when you do a pause like a service for someone else outside of yourself and just spread positivity it comes back to you and i know that's just like so uh really nikki if you spread cheer it'll come back like we all know that but maybe this will help you or or like honestly don't even write it on mine like let's just go on youtube under accounts and like write positive things that and spell them right too so we don't even write it on mine like let's just go on youtube under accounts and like write positive things that and spell them right too so we don't so we you know like does youtube comments not have

spell check is that what's going on there with why people just can't it's just youtube comments are notoriously like the dumbest things you read right, I think people are just like smashing their keyboard and pressing enter, you know? It's keyboard cat, like doing this on the keys, which is my favorite way of saying, of laughing on text is like just typing a bunch of nonsense. And sometimes it auto-corrects to like words, but you know, that's, I think the best way to be like I'm laughing really hard um and I've been doing that since you know AIM days of like ha ha I would do ha ha I never did lol that was like after my time on AIM like lol came later um but I was always doing ha and then I would just go if it was really really funny which is harder to do with uh you know autocorrect these days wait go back to being positive because i don't know if you saw ed my let's post from a couple

of days ago about that oh my god i love ed my let i know well i started following him after you were on his podcast because i just love obsessed yeah he's he's he's very positive and like uh so anyway so so i don't know if you saw, but he wrote something about that. You can't force anyone to do anything, but you can always, but you can repel negativity away from your life. Misery loves company. And if you create enough positive energy around you, it will become almost like a force field. Then the negative people in your life have two options. And then if you want me to read either

get positive or get out yeah that's what it is like it's either you'll repel the negative people away by your positive energy which i've experienced or um they'll they'll want to borrow some and it'll rub off on your friends yeah they'll they'll they'll want what you have you know that's a thing and in you know recovery programs of you know when you're trying when you see someone struggling with a thing that you've been able to get recovery from um you know it's it's it's lead by like lead don't i forget like the they have some kind of like rhyming you know a little quote like meme thing that they say there's so many like good quotes and you know uh recovery program stuff like little things that i don't ever remember because i'm bad at remembering quotes but

basically never tell you can't tell someone to get help or like you can't go like you should do this. Like shoulds are someone said something that your shoulders hurt and like you your shoulders get tight when you're weighed down by shoulds. Like shoulders have the word should in them. So whenever my shoulders like, oh, I'm telling myself I should too much. I kind of like that. And it sounds like the way Andrew would pronounce shoulders if he was reading it. Shoulders. So, no, but like you, it's so, when you first get like recovered from, let's say, you know, when I quit drinking or when I quit starving myself and exercising to lose weight or, you know, just, you know, harmful things.

I wanted to save everyone. I wanted to be like you should do this read this book do this and now with like the Alan Carr stuff I have you know the not smoke the not smoking book and the quitting drinking book I've I used to do that a lot and there's still a lot of stuff out there that is me saying like I wish people like you should do this and me buying the book for people before they ask and now it's I just say hey if you are interested in stopping that I will totally talk to you about it but like come to me no judgment and like you can come to me because you know especially in people close to our lives I'm talking about my fans I used to kind of be

a little bit like more proselytizing about things and now I feel like um if you just you want you want people to want what you have you know and I think that that's kind of what led me to feel like I could maybe recover from these things is that I surrounded myself and put myself in the same rooms as people that were struggling with similar things as me, not like exactly the same. It's never going to be exactly the same. But man, you would just hear stories. And, you know, there are podcasts available to people that are scared of going in certain groups that you know you've heard about recovery groups there's podcasts of what those kind of groups sound like that you can access um without having to go and there's also like zoom ones that you can go to and you don't have to turn on your camera and a lot of

them or even introduce yourself even if they say hey anyone, anyone new? Introduce yourself. That's the beauty of kind of recovery stuff is that they know that the reason people are addicts is because they feel pressure and like not good enough. And so the best part about kind of recovery programs and I think like everyone that I've encountered, whether it's in like a 12-step thing or not, is that it's just so forgiving. Like you can just go and be anything and they'll accept you. And if you go and you're like, I don't want to talk.

And they're like, anyone who's new, do you want to talk? And they know you're new. And they're looking at you like, do you want to talk? And you just sit there and you don't talk. It's fine. Like no one makes you do anything you don't want to do when you're looking for help in these places. And I just want to say that. But is it free?

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. You know, like so, you know, I don't you generally talk about the specifics around how I kind of found freedom from my body image obsession and binge eating and starving myself and overexercising and all those things that I am abstinent from, you know, and that I, you know, maybe not forever. Who knows? I don't it's you know, I'm only one day at a time. That kind of thing. I think that's one of their I mean, I know that's one of their sayings but um i do know that it is free um

if you think what i what i can say is my own experience and this is what you learn is like only speak from an eye place and that's the best part about these kinds of places is that no one's gonna give you advice no one like you go in um from what i hear you can go in um from what i understand from their literature it's a place where you can go and share your story and be anonymous and trust that no one's gonna judge you and you know what we can't help you're like well i'd judge people i'd go in there are you kidding me i've i've been in those places before or been in I used to go to group therapy with my abusive therapist she used to make us all all of her clients used to go together once a week and get together which is kind of nice because we would take the elevator down after a session and just go is she a little cuckoo and it

was just not it was like suddenly this the only child syndrome you know of like when you're an only child the problem being an only child i i totally support parents who just have one child i mean i i think i would have been fine as an only child i always say though that the benefit of a sibling is having someone else to go are mom and dad kind of fucking batshit crazy or like don't they suck sometimes having someone to commiserate with um but i've learned that the best way to get people in your life who you desperately want to um get to be as happy as possible is to not tell them about what you've done and what you know uh tell them what they should do and that oh oh my God, you could do this.

It's just to say, in my experience, when I have felt so-and-so way, I did this and this is what happened. So if anyone, I know I'm talking very vaguely, but I always extend the offer that if anyone ever wants to know what i did to conquer my bot not conquer but to cope and be really so much better than i ever have been in um since i got an eating disorder in 2002 um i've had i've had an eating disorder for that long off and on like not even off and on just

always just different forms of it and for the past year and a half I have been um not completely free of food obsession and body obsession and all those things it comes up but man it's it's it's basically like okay yes sometimes I'm in detention but I used to be in prison you know sometimes I have to stay after school and write on the chalk board but I used to be in solitary confinement for a life sentence so that's the difference you know it's not I'm not totally out of the woods but it's just changed everything um and if you're interested I always extend the uh like the offer to DM me on Instagram and let me just say that uh a lot of times I I don't see those because I get a lot of message requests but and I can't always write back a lot but if you want to know how I got how I've been a year

and a half without starving myself or binging or over exercising I'm always happy to tell you how in a private chat but I want you to ask me I don't want to have to just tell you and in the Alan Carr book I just want to say that got me to quit drinking um that's always something that I just go I always tell people just have it on your shelf so that when you're ready you can just pick it up if you just feel like you're like I just knew at some point I wanted to quit drinking it wasn't today it wasn't tomorrow it wasn't next week I just knew at some point I wanted to quit drinking. It wasn't today. It wasn't tomorrow. It wasn't next week. I just knew that my long-term goals was to be someone who didn't drink. And so I just bought the book because I knew the smoking book worked for me so well.

So, I mean, what's the fear? If you want to be a non-smoker eventually or you want to be a non-drinker, which, by the way, you used to be a non-drinker. You used to be a non-smoker eventually or you want to be a non-drinker which by the way you used to be a non-drinker you used to be a non-smoker like some people just go no I'm a smoker that's just like who I am before you had a cigarette were you a smoker were you like thinking about smoking all the time and craving it no you can go back to that that is up in you you know it's just it's you only are addicted to smoking because you did it once but you can go back to that because you were before you used to be someone who didn't drink and yes um alcoholism is a disease and it's in us but you can for me it wasn't so much a disease as it was

um uh i had to just change the way i thought about drinking and i was able to release myself from it eating stuff not as not as easy for me. And so, you know, everyone falls into different categories. But the thing I was going to say about my arms being jacked, let's get back to that. Okay. Because I have my dad's body. I have a dad bod. Stop.

It makes me laugh so much. Please, will you remind me of that because i want to add that to my act because i truly have my dad's body like and i'm so proud i'm proud to say that because my dad i mean i posted on my instagram story yesterday a picture of my dad in the water with my uh brother-in-law and my brother-in-law took a selfie my dad's in the background my dad is so fit and honestly doesn't do much he's just a naturally fit guy and so I know that if I just you know continue on the track I'm going like I I don't know Noah I like I always do you have a body type for yourself in mind that is like your body or like do you like can I ask you about your body right now sure do you do you like your body the way it is right now like are you is this where you like to

be I'm okay with it okay I I wish I could be like in a little bit of better shape but I don't hate my body okay that's so when you are in like if your ideal your ideal look for your body like imagine like your ideal like what you could look like is it within is it within reach like or is it um a body that you're like you know or is it someone who's taller or like has uh bigger boobs or like things you can't actually do without surgery is it within reach when you think of like your ideal figure okay well um i think it is within reach but it'll be a lot of work because i a lot of i really love women who are like a little bit more toned and like muscular and that it's so it's so hard for me to build muscle and stuff but i wish i could but it is

within like you're not imagining uh longer legs or yeah height and bigger hips and smaller waist or anything like that is over the bigger boobs yeah over things that are not attainable without surgery yeah yes um because i think that i always wanted things it would what which that were unattainable and yeah i know there's surgery and i could that's the problem is that there's always something that you could do to to change to get whatever you want you know within within reason but within with taking surgery out of the equation like i i always thought because i got anorexic at two when i was 18 and i was always a really skinny child like never felt like weird about it but always very skinny never worried about was always like this is gonna be forever like i know that i was smart enough to know that skinny equals,

by what I was observing, let me just say that, by what I was observing from the way my mom talked to herself in the mirror, skinny equals good. And I was like, I have nothing to worry about. Then high school hit, and I stopped doing sports, and I started having more emotions and didn't have any drugs. I didn't know about drugs yet or drinking. And so I started just eating and got heavy.

And for me, for my build, I got heavy. Did not feel comfortable in my own skin. And then I got anorexic. And then that, it just went from heavy to anorexic. I never knew what my body was as an adult, like what I was meant to be ever. Because I was barely an adult. You know, I got my period when I was like on the brink of 17. Like by the time I got, I was a woman, I was starving myself.

So I just never knew. And I look at my dad sometimes and I, or my Aunt Lynn and the way their bodies looked as adults around my age and I'm like oh we're just not we are naturally sinewy kind of lanky people and that is you know that's just the way I am and a lot of times I have a lot of shame if I look too thin in pictures or I look like I look like Mr. Bones you know like out because I go, oh my God, you look anorexic. Everyone's going to be worried for you. And then I start to hate myself for that.

Then if I gain three pounds, I start to panic that I'm going the other way of this girl that I hated in high school because I just felt out of control. But now people will say things like, oh my God, you're so jacked. And I always go, listen, it's Sally Hansen spray. Like when I spray my legs or I spray my arms with Sally Hansen spray, I'm not joking you. It's a complete game changer of the amount of compliments and how much hotter, quote unquote, I look, right? But when people say I'm jacked it's funny because Kirsten is a trainer right and she knows all about the body she knows that I don't do jack squat for my arms I mean I'm a runner and I will run four miles uh at this point once every two weeks but I'm not doing anything for my arms other

than you know carrying groceries a block once a week I don't know and I'm not doing anything for my arms other than, you know, carrying groceries a block once a week. I don't know. And I'm not saying like, oh, my God, I'm just naturally like have muscles. But the truth is I do. Like it's just my dad's body. And I, I, I. So when people say, oh, my God, you're so jacked. And I'm just like, it's natural. I used to hate girls that would be like, I'm just naturally thin.

But I am. And that's that's OK. And you know what I also have like there's things about myself that I I that aren't uh by society's standard uh a good like uh something like um aesthetically perfect or whatever like I have bags under my eyes a lot of times I have puffy eyes or I have like I just see this thing sometimes where I see like I have bags under my eyes a lot of times. I have puffy eyes. Or I have, like, I just see this thing sometimes where I see, like, I have too much skin between my eyes. Like, my face seems to be falling off my skeleton sometimes. Okay?

But guess what? That is just who I am. I just, with the same way that I accept the good thing that I'm happy I have, the jacked arms, I also, I can't help it, my arms, just, and I go, I can't help it. And it's just like, this is the way I am. But why don't I have that attitude about things I hate? I can't help it. It's just the way I am. Why with the things that are a part of my body that are just the way I was born, I was born without a fucking ass. I was born with a flat ass. It's, I know that I was born without a fucking ass I was born with a flat ass it's I know that I could change it with a lot of work I don't have the time it's not gonna happen for me all right so why when I have a flat ass do I feel guilty about it do I feel like I'm failing in some way but with

my arms I'm just like it's just the way I am why can't I have that same attitude for everything and someone wrote to me recently and said that my little advice one time of saying that when I look in the mirror and I feel like, let's just use the word disgusting if I'm having a bad day, right? And I look in the mirror and I'm like, ugh, gross or whatever. Something I don't like about my body. I said one time on a podcast podcast and I say this all the time to myself I God wants me to be this way today I have to be this way today I don't have a choice it wasn't my choice it like we talk so much about choices I see so many things of Instagram stories or motivational things about the choices you make in life you are not making choices you the choices

you make are based on your brain structure which you don't control you don't get to figure out you don't get to pick what your brain is doing they are based on the the nurture you got from your parents you didn't get to choose your parents so it's it's something else it's not you so stop feeling the blame for it you know so if you next time you look in the mirror and I have to say this to myself today too because I was looking tired af and I put pink eyeliner underneath my eyes to just distract I wanted something else there besides bags so that I you know if you go oh my god she looks tired you'll also be like what the fuck she has pink eyes too and then it's like oh I chose the pink eyes so like you can't be mad at me about it it's like something I chose but also I don't I don't know what I'm getting at

but someone wrote to me and said that the fact that I one time said that like God wants me to be let's say fat I said God wants me to be fat today if I'm feeling fat and I'm having a negative connotation about that which you shouldn't but if you let's say you do God whatever the universe I this is what I'm meant to be today. And let me just get through today being like this. It doesn't have to be the way I am tomorrow, but it's the way I am today. Just fucking accept it.

And you're supposed to be that way today. Everything was leading for you to be this way and not the way of that girl on Instagram that you wish you looked like. They wanted her to be that way today. And guess what? She's not looking that way today. She has a lot of filters and she just,

look at her tub, it's warped. She definitely, you know, body tuned that. I hope this helps someone. It helped me. Thank you for letting me go on a, you know, body image spiel. And let's get to more funny stuff. Let's bring in Andrew. John Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed?

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What up? I'm an island boy. Oh, no, no, no. What? What? I feel like you're just doing alligator boy now. Like, we've lost island boy.

No. How does island boy go? I'm an island boy. I'm an island boy. No, that's alligator boy, man. Boy man. Boy man. I knew Noah would get a good reaction starting with that.

Sunglasses today. Why are you going sunglasses? I mean I should have gone sunglasses Go grab some SGs No I just feel like it You know The people have already seen What my eyes look like on this video

It's fine I put some more pink eyeliner underneath I thought The old canker eyes Nope The cankers are coming back by the way What? Dude it's just like

I gotta get more sleep. Yeah. I don't want to go to bed early because that's when my day is done and I want to hang out. How late were you up last night? I usually go to bed around 1. I fall asleep around 1. I got in bed at midnight. Yeah.

I was supposed to wake up at – I uh supposed to have a call with my book lady um the woman i'm writing a book with at uh nine o'clock and i was i had a homework assignment that she was like write this story that's like the easiest thing to do and i was gonna wake up at seven and do it just like i did in high school college right before it's due and um i woke up at 6 45 and my throat hurt so bad and i was just like no no no i of all the things that i can cancel today this is the only one that i actually it is not necessary and isn't you know costing a lot of money and people depending on me and so i wrote her and i was like i feel sick and i can't do it today i'm so sorry and it was true yeah i just couldn't do it i'm just i got too much going sick and i can't do it today i'm so sorry and it was true yeah i just couldn't do

it i'm just i got too much going on and i told her you know i i hate canceling and i'm sorry i promise this is a priority but i got a lot going on and this is the one i just was honest and she was so nice about it and she was like yeah this is the one thing that like let's keep kicking this can down the road who cares yeah i, it's always nice when you, like, just today when I, like, accidentally formatted that card, I was like, and you were so cool about it. So when someone's cool about something like that,

you're like, oh. Oh, yeah. But then it's like, sometimes I guess people's worry is like, well, then it will happen again. She won't do her homework assignment if I'm not angry. You're going to probably want to do it more next time.

Yeah, I think positive reinforcement has been proven to be the thing that works more than negative reinforcement. Like being punished or screamed at doesn't yield the same results as like, you know, in dog training, anything. They're just like, don't punish, just reward. Just put a Cheez-It in my mouth and say, next time, be a good boy. The thing about punishment or admonishment is that sometimes I'm not doing it to be like,

oh, this will make him never do it again. I'm doing it because I have no control over my anger. And I'm really mad about something else in my day. Or my canker sores hurt yeah you know so what happened to your uh nocks poop nooks oh my nooks um today i was trying to unscrew um my steamer um and the hand like it was just it just you know my hands get dry this could be from digging in my purse. Like, my knuckles just will drag on something very lightly and start bleeding like crazy.

So, yeah, I got into a fight with a steamer, with Stanley. I love steamers. I would have burned myself if I had to steam my hair. I would be, I'd look like Freddy Krueger in a month. No, I didn't steam my hair. Oh, I meant steam steam steam your hair that would make it so frizzy frizzy yeah i meant i actually didn't mean that but i did mean just using anything hot oh my god steamers are so dangerous people don't understand because it

just looks like like beautiful mist yeah but it is it will burn you so freaking fast. I feel like they're much more dangerous than irons. Is it quicker than an iron? No, but yes, because irons, unless you have an ironing board already set up and it's usually like. Oh my God. Oh my God. And then you have to go undo the thing or go. And then you forget that it was on 10 minutes before.

Then you put it on and it has no water in it. So then you have to put the water in and it goes... It's spitting everywhere. And then sometimes the iron starts leaking on your shirt. Yes. Like the water comes out too much because you overfilled the line. Sometimes you get water on the steam. The steam shoots water sometimes.

Yeah, those are malfunctioning ones. That's when you know you got to replace it. You're supposed to use distilled water. Why, those are malfunctioning ones. That's when you know you got to replace it. You're supposed to use distilled water. Why? Because it clogs up the chlorine and stuff. Yeah, you're supposed to use cruelty-free water. Women have to like, you go from heating, you have to deal with heat so much as a woman.

Yeah. Your hair. Heating pads on our utes ovaries yeah that's right women deal with heat way more than guys in the kitchen in your hair on the clothes uh on your ovaries i mean it's everywhere yeah you know we take the heat a lot you take the heat a lot we uh yeah do you do you iron your clothes or steam i steam i i don't have an iron just the steamer do you have like a little travel one or you have like a big ass one um i have one that an ex gave me for like my birthday oh a boyfriend steamer whoa does

is it like baggy and like have his varsity numbers on it um yeah does avi know does avi ever use it does he sense that you have like has he ever used it on his own clothes i've been like why we barely use it we just dry our clothes and just fold them while they're hot and that keeps oh that's so responsible that's why i have a steamer is that i've never once taken the clothes out on time unless i'm loading in another load you know what i mean yes my clothes are wrinkly as fuck and that's why i love the steamer is that you just i have i have a hanger in my in my bathroom that stays there and then i have the steamer already hooked up so i just turn it on and it's like within a minute i'm getting i'm getting steamed a dryer should for some for i think someone like us should have a snooze button where you're like,

okay, I waited too long. It's wrinkled. I need another 10 in there. Do you know that there's a- I know there's a quick dry. No, no, no. There's a steamer button. That is-

Oh. It's 20 minutes and it kind of injects steam so it makes it wet again and then it dries it. On ours? On ours. Oh, we're done. Yeah, we do. Oh, man.

I didn't ever notice that. I'm glad we brought this up. That's amazing. Yeah. Hit it. Yeah. I was just going to steam. I was actually just going to steam my duvet because it is so wrinkly and just like a nice

flat white. Not white. It's pink, but like a nice duvet. Okay. Oh, and the brand that I love, by the way, is Allswell for sheets and bedding. Allswell. The sheets are- Alls for sheets and bedding. Allswell. Allswell. Allswell.

Allswell. Yeah. Allswell is so good. I really recommend them. I use that duvet, and they have the little ties in the corners that you tie it onto your thing. And I just put it on. And I think I'm going to steam it because I want it to look nice. How did it go?

How long do you think start to finish you finished? Ten minutes. Less than. That's still pretty long. There should be duvet Olympics. I bet you there is. Marie Kondo would kill it. I used to Marie Kondo all my clothes, that folding pattern.

Do you know what I'm talking about? No. My older brother can fold like a fucking boss because he worked at Bloomingdale's. Where he lifts up the middle and it just like. Yeah, if you worked in retail, you could fold anything. Yeah, I was Marie Kondo-ing for a while, which is you put – you fold everything so that it's like – and then you can stack it.

They all stack upright. Do you roll them? No, you fold once and then – give me that sweatshirt over there. I'll show you how to Kondo. Okay. So I believe, if I remember correctly, you fold it like that. Yeah.

And then you're going to do – wait. And then you do half. Oh, so it's different for everyone, but what you want to end up with is like a little taco of a shirt. So you fold it so that – you'll have to watch the video for this, you guys. And if not just look up marie kondo folding method and you would take that wait so this one i would actually do this because it doesn't have long enough and you do that wait hold on really this and then this and then that's fun would be like that and then in your drawer a little burrito drawer and they

would all be stacked like this so when you open the drawer you can see it perfectly like this and you can do that with pants tank tops underwear socks everything how did condo become did she get on like oprah or something i think her method is just really good and the way she writes is very beautiful like i i was totally sold on the book when i read did you ever read it noah no i got into condo right before i met you i think in 2017 i started condoing but i i'm out of it now yeah now i just throw i i do a method that i used to see amy schumer do which i always used to um place a lot of perfection onto her in terms of like she she just was the first friend of mine that like had her own apartment in manhattan and like just had things going on would have like checks laying around for like i remember seeing a check for like thirty thousand dollars one time on her like table and

i was just like what is that money and why would you like she was just killing it and like a woman you know and she had this apartment that smelled so good and like you know it was just it was a cool little like lower level whatever and i remember i was just like god she has it so together but the one time i opened her closet her like drawers and it was just all of these clothes like thrown in like no folding just all a mess they're all clean but she would just dig through it and then she would steam it and it was like but she had it all in there so no one could see it so it was would steam it. And it was like, but she had it all in there. So no one could see it. So it was a mess in there.

But it was all like, you know, long sleeve shirts. Nothing was folded. Just a mess. Short sleeve shirts. Nothing folded. All a mess. And I was like, oh, you can just do that. And that's fine.

Because sometimes when I fold stuff, I can't. I have to go through it and then it gets messed up anyway. I don't understand people that can just. That's the Marie Kondo method. That's why it works. Because when you're looking for things, you can see everything at the top. You don't understand people that can just that's the marie kondo method that's why it works because when you're looking for things you can see everything at the top you don't have to dig around when you stack things you unfold it's like you fuck it all up what i what i do is uh i'll i'll fold it and then i won't have room in my drawer so i'll push it all in and

while i'm pushing it in it unfolds and becomes shitty anyways. Yeah. So it's like, what are we doing? But I mean, it really is exactly who we are. I mean, an unfolded shirt inside a nice dresser. I mean, mine is a little bit more apparent on the outside too. But we all are like, that's more us. Look, I try to be more organized at times. And I really do want to be an organized person. I think about it. It's not your fault.

I know. You're not choosing to be disorganized because you want to be dirty and bad. We all would like to be. And you just go, well, why don't you just put in the extra effort and put away that spoon after you use it? But it's like, it doesn't occur to me. If it occurred to me, I would. Or it does, and it scares me.

I don't know what the fuck's wrong with my brain. But the thing that you told me that one time where the housewife lady said, if you're going to just throw it on the floor, then you're going to have to pick it up off the floor. You're just adding a step. Yeah, that was Lisa Vanderpump. Yes, that was a good thing, I think, about still.

Okay, so what is it again? Because I forgot that. Essentially, it's going to take you the same amount of time that you just put something up on the dresser than just gonna like it's gonna take you the same amount of time that you just put something up on like the dresser than just to put it away in the drawer now you're just adding another step and adding more time just drop it on the floor because you don't want to hang it up you're gonna actually gonna have to pick that up or die yeah yeah so just do it now i used my therapist used to say if it takes under three minutes, do it. Oh, that's everything. Yeah. That's the crazy thing about all of this shit.

Doesn't take long. And then you learn it and then you forget it. I get overwhelmed by how much stuff I have. And then when I start going through it and then I go, you know, yesterday I had this bottle in all my toiletries. And it was like this vitamin that I used to take. And I'm like, I don't take that anymore. Why is that still here because there's one vitamin left in it and i go should i take it even though i don't take this anymore or should i just keep it in case i take it did you take it i just no i was so proud of myself i threw the pill away with the bottle i

said i don't need any of this goodbye i had to make a choice and it was hard for me to do because there was still one left and that used to be that's very expensive vitamins i'm like should i donate it who's gonna eat have one of these oh i mean it's the story of my life of having protein on top of the refrigerator right every guy and woman at this point yes has a protein jar on top of the refrigerator that is probably three moldy three good at this point it's turned into its own person went through our refrigerator and was just like when i was doing recycling one time and she's like can we just go really quick through your refrigerator i'm like please don't i don't want to look at that stuff i don't want to have to like deal with it and she started pulling things

out i'm like wow that took two seconds and the refrigerator is so much better looking yeah i thought it was gonna stay there for it i thought that was the refrigerator now you know it's like it does feel like i just i kind of hold my breath when i open the refrigerator i mean my dad is the same my dad yeah you know i think a big reason why he got remarried is because he couldn't clean like after himself like his if if you saw his office this is a doctor with all cancer like papers everywhere cancer papers everywhere and then you get to the house he had like one diet pepsi and he'd have a pizza box with like a half you know just four pieces of crust still in there

it's kind of like the one vitamin it's like why is that even in there well the vitamin doesn't like attract roaches and like bugs yeah they're not healthy there's this is the thing it's like, why is that even in there? Well, the vitamin doesn't attract roaches and bugs. Yeah, they're not healthy. This is the thing. It's like there's a way to have a trashed space or a messy space that is not disrespecting yourself. I always look at my room as an extension of how I'm doing mentally. And I don't need to do that because a lot of times I'll be like, you're messy. This is who you are is your room or

your car and the cleanliness is who you are however if my car has like wet food like things that are just gross that's me not respecting my like that's me actually like

you know when I clean up for other people it's like why do i respect people more than myself why do i want a nice space is it how you do you respect them or do you respect their judgment of you i want them to think and and i also know that they don't live like this and i don't want them to think that um yeah i don't want them to judge me have you ever left it just dirty oh yeah i mean now i don't i do not really tidy up a little bit though in the living room because that's the way i want it to look anyway and i and i know that i want to show my mom respect like she's coming over like that's

the same way i like dress up for shows like i could just wear jeans and a t-shirt and everyone would be fine that photo you posted on instagram where we're both wearing the same button and i was like we've both come so far. Well, I wouldn't have dressed like that at Caroline's ever the way I'm dressing now. But like I want to dress to show that people are spending $100 for a ticket to me for me. I want to show that I put in effort. So my mom, I wanted to show her like you're coming over like I know you're coming over and I'm excited. Here's what I have to present. But I really have let go of what my room looks like

when I have guys in it or all those guys in it. When the GB comes by. No, it's just like me having three cans on my nightstand does not mean I'm a bad person. If you could clean your room like you do your asshole, you would be. I mean, the time I spend on my asshole. That's so true.

I need a room douche. Let's get to the news. Like a Roomba for your asshole. Dude, I just locked Roomba in my bathroom because he was just trying to get away with not tidying enough. And I go, you finished the job. You put him in the bathroom. He's stuck in my bathroom.

I shut the door. And I turn off the light. What? He's in the dark in there? Roomba's just in there by himself. It really is sad. I didn't mean to turn off the light, but then I was going to turn it back on, and I was like, well, Roomba doesn't need a light, but I do.

I feel it's sentient. He probably wants to get out of there. Oh, he's definitely complaining. He's buttering up against buttering, like hitting the door, like ramming. Yes. But he had not cleaned up everything. I said, Roomba, you stay in there, and you finish the job. You're not leaving your room until you get it done. Let's like hitting the ramp. Yes. But he had not cleaned up everything. I said, Roomba, you stay in there and you finish the job. You're not leaving your room until you

get it done. Let's get to the news. Hopefully he learns a lesson through this very negative affirmation. What's the word? You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. We definitely heard affirmation for the first time. Oh man, it is Thursday

so you all know what that means. It is Thursday. We have a great day coming up. Tomorrow, we're going to Milwaukee and Indianapolis. Milwaukee talkie. I've never been to Milwaukee. Oh, it's awesome. It kind of reminds me of St. Louis.

Okay. It's just like, I love Milwaukee. I love a small city. I love the Midwest. Yeah. This is our little Midwest run. Milwaukee, Indianapolis. Tickets still available, I believe.

Having all the swells out there on the road. A balaba. Ugh, cankers. Affirmation. Okay. First story. When it comes to his three daughters, Joe Rogan says he's taking an active role in their knowledge of self-defense.

My kids, he's quote unquote my kids are allowed to hit me as hard as they can i teach them they're taking martial art classes but i teach them it hurts i went from being a kid who was terrified of conflict to being a martial arts champion the reason why i became a martial arts champion is i was being picked on all the time i was like i do not like this so i'm going to become what I am terrified of. Well, what do you mean he's going to become a bully? You know, that doesn't really... I know, I know.

I love that. He wants to become the people that he's scared of that are picking on him, I guess. Or at least become as tough or tougher. Yeah, like he thinks he's so weak and the thing he's scared of is probably fighting and he wants to be able to do it. Or able to handle conflict.

Or able to handle confrontation. Ah, confrontation. That's probably what he's scared of. It is funny to handle confrontation with a leg kick. It's like, oh, what? Oh, my report's not in on time confrontation is so terrifying people that are good at it i don't i mean and people that are good at it are oftentimes like bullies and and people that to be good at it i think is to do it uh in the best way but like

or to do it thoughtfully and like think about it before you do it. People that just snap to confrontation. Not usually the people I admire. There's a way to do it where I'm not good at it. I'm either a wild boy. You were good at it the other day when we were late for the airport. I did good? Where? With you?

When we were at the airport and there were people in front of us and we were going to be late for the plane. Oh, I did a very good way. You there were people in front of us and we were going to be late for the plane. Oh, I did a very good way. You asked those people in front of us. Andrew stepped up and asked the people in front of us when we were checking our bags because we were running late if we could go in front of them because we were running late, which is a very, very few people are able to do that. I did it with tact and like.

Yeah, it was very nice the way he did it. I said, hey, old man, look at me again, motherfucker. Look at me. And they were so nice. Yeah, they were. Even though you said that to them. Yeah. Because they were hard of hearing.

Yeah, they didn't hear. He felt it though. They were just like, oh, sure, we're here early. And you probably assessed them at first. They're an older couple. They didn't seem frantic or nervous, so it didn't look like they were in a hurry. We were.

And I really admired that because it's not easy to do. And when you're running late for the airport, you just feel so foolish. And you feel so annoying and frazzled. And to beg people to let you go in front of you at the line, it should be a lot easier than that. We should just know as people that you let people ahead. If that guy was an ass, like if he turned around and goes, no, we're actually kind of late too. I don't know what I like.

Like that's when I get it. That's when it doesn't work out. You know, I think where I would step. Yeah. Honestly, if he was like, he goes, you should have gotten here early. We were. This is just the way it is. I would have gone.

Have you ever been late for anything in your life, sir? Have the events in your life never led you, based on whether you were negligent or not, led you to be late and you wish someone would have extended this to you? Has that never happened to you? That's what I would have said. And then he would go, where were you 30 years ago? I wish someone would have done that for you, sir. what you can do that for me today have you let us go in front of you like that the initial one is scary to me but once someone has given me reason to be confrontational i'll get in there and

i don't love it but i i that's when i i also respect any old person to uh that has patience and i know that was your seinfeld or was that sign or occur no seinfeld when he's at he's like how are you not thinking about your death every day oh yeah that scene they also did a thing where um they realized jerry's parents were shoplifting. And she was just like, I'm old. You know, like, who cares? I'm on my way out kind of thing. So, yeah, I mean, it was very nice. But, yeah, there is a way to, like, there's a way people do conflict where they don't raise their voice.

They raise their voice just enough where if you go, why are you yelling? They're like, I'm not yelling. I remember my. Yeah, go ahead. Sorry. No, go ahead. You go. Okay. Stop being so confrontational back off there's a way i feel which i would love to achieve and learn how to be

more assertive versus aggressive yes and assertive is going into something like at full height calm having confidence and just you know being able to settle the situation in like a very diplomatic manner. And then there's aggressive where it's like very emotional. Right. It's tough. Or it's there's the I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Like cowering before you even ask.

I'm really sorry to bother you with this. And then when the person doesn't say it's okay, when you say sorry, fuck you. Honestly, fuck you. I dealt with this woman that was in the lobby of this hotel, and I had to store my bags in this closet because I had to go run and get lunch, and my car wasn't,

I didn't have a hotel room anymore. We checked out, which is standard procedure at any hotel. Store the bags. And I had to get something out of my bag. She is in a lobby.

There's no one checking in. There's nothing that's going on. And I'm like, I'm so sorry. I forgot there's something in one of my bags that I have to grab. Can I get in there real quick

and just grab it? And she just grabs the key and just starts walking towards the closet and i'm just like i'm so sorry thank you nothing nothing i'm in there digging around i i know what's in here i have two seconds so sorry so i'm so like just me just begging for her to say it's okay nothing thank you so much finally get it thank you so much i really appreciate it thank you nothing wild wild i mean i i could not believe it i think it's so rude and you know why do i need that because i just because i did feel bad there is a way like people yeah i know i didn't feel bad but you know what

she she has her own shit obviously going on we could say that't feel bad. But you know what? She has her own shit, obviously, going on. We could say that, right? Yes. For sure. You know, she sees you. Was she older? No. No?

Oh. She just wasn't. She was probably having a bad day, and she probably didn't care for my, like, she probably, you know, some women out there are like, never say sorry. Don't ever say I'm sorry. Women, all we do is apologize. Stop saying sorry.

It's like, she might be one of those girls that's like, when she hears a woman say it, she's just like, so disappointed in how I'm a bad feminist because I apologize. And it's like,

I'm not apologizing for my existence. I'm apologizing because I want you to like me because my mom drank a lot. Yeah. Sorry. I'm sorry that, like, I'm working on myself I want you to like me because my mom drank a lot. Yeah. Sorry. I'm sorry that I'm working on myself. I don't want. Stop this whole thing of like women never say sorry.

Guys do it too. Stop that. You're weak if you say sorry, especially in business. Never apologize. And it's like, fuck you. But what if you turned it around and instead of saying, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Like at the end, you just said, thank you so much for your time or just thanks for going out of the way i know

that's what you're supposed to say instead of sorry but i just don't think it shows as much because what if they haven't given you their business what what if but what if you can't thank someone until they've given it to you so if i'm going up to say i have to get into my bag may i please get back in that closet um i i could say i would really appreciate your patience while i dig through this bag that's just so much i just rather say sorry i'm really sorry i exist well i think like there's a there's like a way to do for me when i hear assertiveness it it's like a way to do – for me, when I hear assertiveness, it's like nails on a chalkboard for me. When someone like – let's say you're late to your flight and you go up to the ticket counter and this assertive dad comes up and he goes, look, my family – That's not assertive.

Okay. Exactly. All right. Look, my family – No, aggressive. You are responding to aggressiveness no but i think people think that's assertive when when someone's taking charge of the situation and sometimes people listen it's like when you talk like this and you pause and you think everyone's waiting for your

for your magical thought you know that trigger you i don't know i don't know i just think people anyone that thinks they're more important than they are just annoys me. Oh, yeah. And so, like, I don't know. I feel like I'm pretty damn good when I go up to a ticket counter and handle, like, a situation like that. Yes. Where, like, you don't have to be like, I'm in control. I know that being mean to people at ticket counters and being a bitch and, like, being aggressive does not get them to give you what you want. Nope. counters and being a bitch and like being aggressive does not get them to give you what you want nope what does is being kind and understanding that their job fucking sucks and that they don't owe you anything and that they can maybe do you a favor and you know it's it's

yelling at someone is never gonna get you what you want i've never seen it work any karen who's yelling and being filmed has she ever gotten what she wants? It just, you know, I understand why it happens because you get so embarrassed by your kind of anger and their response to it and they make you feel crazy. And so you get even more mad because you just are trying to, I'm not, I shouldn't be embarrassed. I'm angry. And it's like, I'm panicking.

Why are you not panicking? It's like, because I'm not getting on a flight. I don't like my job. I'm driving home in like four hours. People that get mad at people who are behind a desk and like making, you know. You did great the other day when our car, our rental car wasn't there on time. You like ended up becoming friends with everyone in there. Oh, yeah.

Well, they recognize me. So that always takes it down a notch. Well, they didn't recognize me. They just go because I had my guitar. They're like, you play music? And I and i go ah it's just a hobby and they're like what's your instagram do you do your music on instagram and i was like no and they're like what's your and i'm like i'm a comedian like i i think i volunteered because i was trying to get a little bit of like better service when you use it they fucking at this rental car place they don't i go they even admitted they go we're not paid enough to like honestly to work hard and i'm like i'm with you

i go that's the problem with our world is like i don't blame you guys like for the for they go the guys washing the cars out there don't even they make nothing they make minimum wage to wash cars and they're supposed to get through three in an hour they don't because they're they're not they're they could if it's not this job they could go get this job any like there's always a job that'll pay this much this one is just one of them so they have no incentive to actually do the work i go do they get tips they go they don't ever interact with customers so they have no chance to get tips and we're dependent on those cars so we get through people and we promise cars that are supposed to be done and they we can't get them to work harder because they don't make enough and i go i don't blame them and they go i don't blame them either

and i was just like and then um yeah and then they looked me up on instagram if the funny thing is the guy goes oh my god i've watched you like he he talked to me for a really long time before he realized that i was the girl in the black dress with the lightning bolt on it. He watched my Degenerate special just because of the dress. The power of dressing sexy. It gets people to watch you and then not remember your name. I had that dress. I flew high.

I worked hard. You delivered that dress. I forgot it. That's right. At 12 p.m. or midnight. Oh, my God. That was such a wild ride. Oh, that was crazy. Okay. It looked great. midnight god that was such a wild oh that was crazy okay it looked great and that's next story that was that set is like fire thanks man you helped me edit it too it was

so good um okay let me think and you were there for the taping you're the only one there in my posse weird green oh we could talk about that oh it was so weird everyone seemed on edge i guess people are nervous we were like in a green room in a tent outside and it was in vegas and it was so weird. Everyone seemed on edge. I guess people are nervous. I get it. We were in a green room in a tent outside, and it was in Vegas, and it was a weird setting. It was like a... You know, the genre, it's like, you got to be dirty. They didn't have us hang out with each other. We were kind of just a weird group of comics that didn't really know each other. We all had blankets because we were freezing.

Yeah, it was a weird night. Yeah. Olivia Newton-John admits that physical lyrics were raunchy for 1981. Let's get physical, physical. Everyone knows the chorus, but you want to know what the first verse? Yeah. I'm saying all the things that I know you'll like. Making good conversation, I got to handle you just right.

You know what I mean? I took you to an intimate restaurant, then to a suggested movie. This sounds like a guy who was written for a guy. There's nothing left to talk about unless it's horizontally. And then the second verse is even, is more creepy. I've been patient. I've been good. Tried to keep my hands on the table.

It's getting hard. This holding back, if you know what I mean. Oh, this is hot. I'm sure you'll understand my point of view we know each other mentally you got to know that you're bringing out the animal in me i love it but it definitely was written for a man to sing yeah i feel yeah i think it was for sure especially the first hard part too i'm getting hard yeah the hard like being difficult like god he got so difficult the other night no i think he's saying his dick's hard

no no no yes listen hard listen he goes you're she it's i mean it's entendre but it's definitely tried to keep my hands on the table it's getting hard this whole oh yeah yeah exactly you really think that they said it's hard explicitly in a song and it's olivia newton john sandy from greece yeah what that's that would make sense for a woman to sing if that's what they meant that's why i was so excited about it oh my god that's funny well the the lyrics to the ones i heard recently that i started really listening to girl i want to make you sweat sweat till you can't sweat no more and when you cry out i'm gonna push it some more or what and when you cry out i'm gonna push it push it some more we talked about this we did we did we talked about this in the car on the way no we talked

no we talked about here on the podcast oh we did okay sorry i brought it up in the car i was like i'm gonna grab a knife i'm gonna stab bears repeating i am so yes into that song i'm horny for that song it's like one of my favorite songs now what are some other songs that are like very sexual that you're like whoa that gets me juiced up um what's the one where i fucked you're on the counter it wasn't me yeah that's about like infidelity and gaslighting uh but i'm trying to think of ones that i'm like song yeah the thong is good uh like in terms of like explicit explicit lyrics but i'm trying to think of songs that make me horny. You know what's horny?

Belle Biv Devoe had some horny songs back in the day. You were singing some. Poison. The people that sing that song. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then R. Kelly, unfortunately, whatever happened to him. But my body's telling me no. No, no.

My brain is, my body's telling me no no no my my brain is my heart is telling me no but my body my body's telling me yes i don't see nothing wrong but is there anything that you listen to that you go oh my god that's so hot probably when a woman sings i would guess like any woman singing about avid brothers has a song called i wish i was and it's it's not sexual yeah i wish i had a wet vagina it's weird they sang it it's written for olivia wrote it for herself yeah but they she aged out of it apparently let's get a physical physical go over and step on the scale and try to be thinner. Then you're going to have that thing hit your knee.

It's going to test your reflexes. Lie about smoking and drinking. That's the song about getting a physical. I love that song. You got to cough when I grab your ball skin. Yeah, I should make a set list of horny songs and share it on Spotify for our listeners. Yeah, let's do it. Because there are definitely songs that I just am so juiced up for.

Well, which one? I can't even. I can't look at my. We got to go take a break. Let's come back and let people know what I'm juiced up for. Right after this. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight

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All right. So we're going to get to uh you know our sports moment but i just want to share a song that i might be a little bit horned up for and i'm gonna go with i just have to look at my um oh god um solo frank ocean hand me a towel i'm dirty dancing by myself going off tabs God. Solo, Frank Ocean. Hand me a towel, I'm dirty dancing by myself, going off tabs. That acid, form me a circle, wash my jagger, can't lose my jacket, and hit it solo. One time. I'm too loud in public.

Okay, so it gets to the part where it's like, he just wants to, like he's alone and he wants to hook up with this girl and like, it's just. Guy, guy. Oh, really? Yeah, he's gay. I thought he was bi. Oh, well, I'm picturing him talking to me during this song. Yeah, and I'm picturing him talking to me. We can all share it.

That's the first one that came up on my list that I'm like, that song is sexy. His voice is just sexy. Yes. You know, New Light, John Mayer, that can sometimes be a little bit sexy. Backseat of my Jeep, LL Cool J. I hooked up to that in the back of my car. It was pretty on the nose, but it worked.

Oh, E.T. by Katy Perry and Kanye West. What's that one? Kiss me, kiss me, infect me with your love and fill me with your poison. Take me, wanna be a kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me playlist for me of like his love for me and now i'm so like disenchanted by that person that i'm like fuck you ruined lover lay down for me you motherfucker that's a different song though wait what did you say let's be lovers tonight let's be lovers oh oh please tonight oh say goodbye yes say goodbye is the sexiest song of all time thank you sorry okay a lover lay down oh is A lover lay down is nice

Let's get to the sports moment Here's Andrew's weekly sports moment Man I was gaming hot Oh man Okay this is A story that I don't know if you'll like But we'll figure it out Aaron Rodgers who you know

I mean I don't know him personally'll like, but we'll figure it out. Aaron Rodgers, who you know. I mean, I don't know him personally, but yes, I know him. He dated Olivia Munn, who now has Mulaney's sperm in her. And he's married to Shailene Woodley. Yes. And he has a brother, Jordan Rodgers, who is a bachelor, and they no longer talk because of probably religious reasons. Yeah. Slams.

Aaron Rodgers slams woke, canceled culture after criticism over post-game trash talk on a hot mic he got caught on a mic apparently he threw a touchdown or the game ended and this lady in the crowd was giving him double birds and he goes and he's playing chicago and green bay chicago big rivalry right they're very close to each other and he's a packer right i own you i fucking own you chicago i fucking own you okay and people are making a big deal of i guess using the term own i guess i mean it's good you know no stop i mean yeah that is was she a black woman i don't know i don't know about that could be that, and if he said it right to her face. No, no.

Well, you're saying it like in the term of. Chicago. I own Chicago. And Tom Brady actually wrote it. It's nice to find out that you're a shareholder now. Hilarious. Like he made a joke of it. But Rogers was asked about it and he talks about cancel culture.

He says, and there's a cancel culture at the same. He goes, there's a PC woke culture that exists and there's a cancel culture at the same time. And it's based on people's own feelings of maybe personal misery or distaste for their own situation or life or just the enjoyment of holding other people down underneath. Wow. He owned that. He really owned that sentence. Yeah. No, he's absolutely right.

When you engage in this culture you're immersed in it and you're in it so much for me when i took time in the immersed or immersed immersed immersed oh i think you said immersed in it oh no i just didn't hit the m got it okay immersed okay this sentence is interesting for for me i think you'll like he goes for me when i took time in the off season to work on myself and to work on my mental status and to get myself in the right frame of mind i was being selfish or non-responsive selfish and entitled when i came back and said what i said the same sentiments were shared so yeah yeah i mean why did you like that sentence well i know i like that sentence why did you like that sentence because because the media really like if he's not responding because he's working on his own

mental health you're being selfish to take care of yourself but if he had cancer and he's like hey i gotta take these three months off i'm dealing with chemo everyone be like your hero battle it yeah please don't let us bug you yeah no one would call a cancer survivor did you see that you saw the ted lasso finale right yes i mean it's all about you know this whole second season is about ted lasso the coach um having a panic attack and getting help for his mental stress and then someone close to him feeling like you abandoned me because you're working on yourself like i didn't you you weren't there for me because you you just disappeared when really

he was working on himself so it's a very it's almost exactly the same situation of like now there's this backlash against him um from someone who used to love him on on the show because he worked on himself and um god i love ted lasso and things like and aaron rogers saying stuff like this because it's gonna be very exciting when this when we see the results of men who have never even thought about taking care of their mental health starting to embrace it and almost think it's like oh that's what athletes do like i'm gonna do that like when we see the results of that in the next decade or and on it's gonna be it's gonna be so good for we we we're gonna need it i think there's something because things are getting shittier i think what

will happen is uh someone will have issues early on and deal with them quicker because an athlete does it rather than our generation where we waited till we had a full on mental breakdown to be like, oh, I think I need a therapist. Hopefully they'll like attack it earlier on. Sometimes you don't know until that happens. Hopefully it becomes more norm though to deal with it before it becomes something that you can't deal with.

But it's so embarrassing to deal with something before it gets to the point where it's bad. Yeah, it's literally like getting a cancer checkup every four months just in case. People go, you're crazy. What are you waiting for? Or it's me saying a week ago, hey, I just don't want to do this writer's meeting that I had today because I just am tired right now. And in the future, I might be tired that day. So I'm just am tired right now and I just in the future I might be tired that day so I'm just gonna sleep in that day that makes me feel lazy as opposed to like

waiting to the last minute and going like I'm looking at my schedule it's just like I can't like that gives me more authority to ask for a break than if I just foresee myself wanting a break like oh and I do want to say in Tedso, there is a moment where one of the characters presents his girlfriend with a six-week vacation away? Oh, yeah. And I go, what? I was watching with my partner, and I was like, six weeks?

And he was like, yeah, you would never do that. I go, no one ever. Who takes six weeks away from work? A lot of Europeans do it. Six weeks? They take two months off like it's nothing. That is a wild amount of time. I mean, right in if you're in Europe, but I'm pretty sure they take an insane amount of time off.

But it was a little bit weird because he was like, six weeks, we leave tomorrow. And I'm like, she has to pack for six weeks in one night? I mean, I could do it because I'm a quick backer, but most people, especially this girl, she wears a lot of different barrettes in her bun and always has different accessories. That's going to be a lot to pack up for six weeks. I love how she handled that conversation. You didn't like it?

I just didn't feel it was realistic. You go away for six weeks. I'll work on me while I probably fuck Jamie. Who knows? Who knows? Who knows? I do love them so much. I think seeing Roy, I mean, if you don't watch Lasso, I'm sorry for this Lasso talk, but seeing Roy's transformation has given me a lot of hope about men in my life.

I think a lot of men can see themselves in Roy Kent and where he's come from and how he's now handled conflict and things. This show is so good for men who are angry to watch. If you are a girl out there and you have a man in your life who's angry, it's a sports show. And it will make them just make them watch it because they will unintentionally learn things about themselves and be more open. I can see you rewinding some scenes and be like, I just didn't catch that. Yeah, wait, what did he say? There's a joke there. Yeah, yeah, there's a joke there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he just cried and said, I need therapy. Yeah, it's a joke. It's funny. Wait, I just want to see what sweater she was wearing. She wasn't in that scene. Okay, let's get to our weekly segment that I love so much. We have a lot to get through, so let's try to fit it.

Fanthrax. Fanthrax, come on. Yeah. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax.

Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax.

Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax.

Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax.

Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax.

Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax.

Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. hit my head on it to open it up. You don't remember that from movies?

Yeah, they do. Alright, so our first... Should I read a voicemail? Should I play a voicemail or read a letter? I love voicemail. I close my eyes, too. Yeah, Andrew Bennett's history. Okay, here comes a voicemail from Emily. Oh my God.

The Almay palette. Dude. I have hazel eyes. So, yeah. I remember I got that palette, and I did everything that it told me to do. And my grandma said, oh, wow, you're really wearing a lot of makeup. I remember it vividly, but I knew I looked hot as shit.

Thanks for making me remember that. Almay palette. It was the first time I had ever heard of, you paint your lid one shade, the crease another shade, and then the brow bone another shade. Oh, is that what that is? Mm-hmm. What's it called?

I'm sorry. The company is Almay. Oh, Almay. But they made an eye palette for each like whatever color your eyes are to bring out the color the best and so whatever color your eyes were you bought that palette and it would teach you like put the lid make it uh brown then the then it's a light then a darker blue in the crease and then a lighter blue on the brow it's like a fade for your like your hair yeah i mean that's essentially what eye makeup is you make

the crease like you have to do different but that was the first time i ever heard of like kind of that kind of contouring i guess for your eyes so thanks for i love that she loved that reference okay next one is from chase my bank hey nicky hey andrew hey noah love you guys love the podive bestie over here. Anyway, I just really needed to call in about Subway because you guys really brought back this cursed, repressed memory when talking about the shredded lead. It really just... I really blocked this guy out of my memory. It was amazing.

So I was a senior sandwich artist at Subway for about three years in high school. Senior? Yes, a senior sandwich artist. I make a point to say that because there were classes involved. She literally replied to you when she goes, yes. Anyway, this man would come in and order a veggie sub every week. And he just was really creepy. Like, you know, just, you know, when you meet somebody and you're like, they might be a

pedophile. I don't know. Like, it's just very odd. Well, Jared had to go visit local Subway locations. But anyway, he'd come in and just have this withering, like, thousand-yard stare and order a veggie sub every week and the amount of shredded let he would get on his sandwich like it was disgusting he would just look me in the eyes every time i would give him a ton because i knew this man who'd come in every week and it would always be more more more more that's how he would say it

and i was terrified so i just yeah Thank you for reminding me of that, and thank you for reminding me of humble beginnings and how far we've come. And also, don't worry about that shredded-leck girl. I would always rip open another bag for him, no hesitation. If it was you coming in, girl, bags on bags of shredded-leck. Shredded-leck! I love this girl, dude.

I mean, love her. Thank you, Chase. I mean, she's fun, this girl. You're the best listeners. I've loved both of these calls. Shredded let, you said randomly. Yeah, and she just picked it up. I want to hear more.

I love stories of customers and the weird things, the recurring customers that they would order. And I bet someone could call in and talk about me at different points in my life. Because I would go places and they'd just be like, all right, get out the let. The only difference between that guy and you is you say sorry yes that's true you're like sorry more sorry yeah more more sorry more i read about in the starbucks subreddit so many weird regulars and what the regulars always get and like these people that they just see them coming in and they're like, okay, 12 pumps of,

you know, caramel macchiato syrup plus a fizzy water. And yeah, they'll do that. They'll literally do like a splash of almond milk, like 15 pumps of a syrup

and like a decaf shot. And it's like, that's just, what are you doing? I feel like these people Light ice. Very bored people. And this is like a highlight of their life. And it's like, that's just, what are you doing? I feel like these people, light ice, very bored people. And this is like a highlight of their life.

That drink is very expensive. Yeah. Maybe they're just rich people that are just like, I just think it's like, they're one thing that they get to have a little control, a little power. Yeah. Possibly.

Like, Oh, I'm going to do 17 today. Like they like, maybe like pace around, like what's my order going to be? I saw your order has definitely taken a little... Don't look at my

order! I didn't know whose cup it was, so I looked at it and I was like, oh, this is my drink. And then I was like, wait a second, that's slightly different than my drink, but very similar. I like what you put in your mouth! You literally... I asked you the other day if sugar-free vanilla is good, and you said yeah

why would i get it i go he goes is that good that drink that sugar-free vanilla you always get it is that good and i go no it's bad it was my way of precursing you eventually seeing that i got it precurs you motherfucker no but do you understand what i was doing there i was being a little bitch because i was saying oh is it good so then later when you see that I order it, we talked about it as opposed to me just ordering it and you go, oh, that's my order, motherfucker. You could just say, I want to try that sometime. Yeah, well, you know. Or you could just get it and just be like, Nikki, you're so weird

and that's fine too because I am. Okay. What's the next one? It's delicious. Next one is for Andrew from Megan and Leah. Two girls? Hi, New Turkey. I'm Megan. And I'm Leah. And we? Hi, New Jerky. I'm Megan. And I'm Leah. And we are best friends in real life. Is this Shark Tank?

Besties of the pod and besties in real life. And we just wanted to bring attention really quick to the first video on Andrew's YouTube channel, which is a stellar performance of a song called Pussy in the Face. And we were just wondering if maybe Andrew could perform it one time on the pod and honestly if Nikki could be involved in the performance as well. I feel like I should do this one time.

Please let us know and Noah, thank you so much for picking this voicemail. We love you guys so much. We love you. Bye. Oh my god. I love our listeners so much. Wait. Noah, do you have this queued up i don't i thought andrew was gonna sing it well i know that he doesn't memorize his own lyrics yeah well you know my lyrics are all repetitive i could okay i could sing you the song right now

what is this and what's the history of it like okay so crapo okay you know, it's going to take a while. I had a comedy partner named Crappo who was a Wookiee when I would do one-liners as Andy Shallows. I didn't even notice it was still on the internet. I'm not even kidding. Okay. I'm very rock and roll here. I hope you guys hate it. oh Pussy in the face Face

Face Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy in the face. Pussy in the face. Pussy in the face. Pussy in the face. Pussy in the face. When I say pussy, you say face. Pussy. Face.

Pussy. Face. Pussy. Face. You say pussy. Face. Pussy. Face.

Face. Face. Pussy in the face. Pussy in the face. Pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Pussy in the face.

Pussy in the face. Pussy in the face. Pussy in the face. Pussy in the face. Pussy in Pussy! That's great. Oh my god, when is it over? Whenever you tell me to stop. Okay, stop. what is it over whenever you tell me to stop okay don't apologize that was a fun song. It is really fun. Why? What is the story behind that? Okay, so Crappo is a good musician. He played slide guitar when we did, when I would do one-liners. And so he had this place where he would perform. He had like a little locker.

A little storage unit. A little storage unit where he'd play with his one buddy all the time. So I came by there. I know three chords. You had a breath. Yeah. From what? Just dancing pretty hard.

We were sitting in our chair doing this. Yeah, I'm out of shape, I think. I was rocking pretty hard. That's true. That's true. Anyway, so yeah, I just played that. I put down a camera, a shitty camera on the floor, and I just filmed it. Were you living in New York at the time?

I can't believe those girls brought that up. It's so funny how the world works. It is. I mean, that you leave a video on your YouTube channel, and they discovered it. Yeah, it must have come up in their algorithm. I mean, maybe I'd watched that years ago. We've been friends for a while now, but no, I'd... Oh, and then it says,

Andrew Collin, my Tulane stabbing. So your first video was nine years ago, and then your last video, your video after that was six years later. You took a leave of absence. What did you do in that six years? I found God. I hung out with Aaron Rodgers in the Amazon the amazon you know i was working on my own

mental health nikki let's get to the final thought mental health uh i really do like that aaron rogers said that thing and it is about like when people want to just like cancel and take it away like just my just don't buy his record or don't like don't buy his record like but don't buy his record or don't, like, don't watch. Buy his record. Like, don't buy, don't support. If you really don't like this person's art anymore because of how you heard they acted, don't support it. And if you hate a company for giving this person money after they, you know, did something bad, don't support that company. Like, show your, you can like show your you go you can yeah

as a consumer purchase power trying to do your purchase power yeah there you go purchase power well they're gonna sell more jerseys people want people to kill themselves i think like that's what they they want people and not to kill themselves maybe but they just want people they want to ruin people's lives and i've been there before i've been like a woman who's been scorned and wanted to destroy a man's life. And not make him want to die, but I've wanted him to feel bad. I've wanted...

The intent to make someone want to suffer, even someone who's done you wrong, is not the appropriate way to feel, I believe. Yeah, I think think you got to pick your battles here i think if you're going after aaron rogers for saying that about the bears it's like and that's where you're going to put your time and energy into it's like there's a lot of other things that you should try to be canceling than that if but i also don't it takes a lot for me to think someone should be canceled i I think second chances deserve to happen.

Yeah. Almost. Especially if they do the time. And they always get second chances. And when you've gone out, when you put yourself out there being like, fucking take them down, you're going to be eating crow. Here's the other thing. Aaron Rodgers is making $100 million this year.

He's not getting canceled anytime soon. But you said, though, that there are athletes that, we were talking about the Houston Astros, is that right? Yes. That got caught cheating by a guy slamming down a- That's way worse than what Aaron Rodgers did. Yeah, so they cheated and got caught doing it. And whenever they post something on social media,

they get bombarded with people being like, you cheaters, motherfuckers and everything. So they're just like, okay, we'll just play baseball then. We'll just not be celebrities. We'll collect our millions of dollars and it's fine. Yeah, they'll be okay. Now I can't post a picture of my wife and kids and I have to disable comments.

But that's really all that's changed. Let me read one more letter that I got from a fan this weekend. I believe I, oh, I think I got this in Durham. Dear Nikki, where do I even begin? I discovered you in college amongst a lovely group of friends who grew up as comedy nerds. Around the time lockdown hit, I totally binged all your content. When you went home to your parents, you made it look so fun and relaxing.

When my lease was up, I felt more okay about having to live with my parents. My whole attitude changed. I feel like you're a big sister to me you're always so positive and it's like you encourage me to be my best self um whenever i whenever i have a bad day i know i can turn on the podcast or one of your old specials or an old interviews and immediately feel comforted i haven't always had consistent groups of friends and i'm kind of weird but you and noah and andrew make me feel like part of a community. I love all the inside jokes. Apparently. I laugh so hard now at things like that.

And they consistently give me points of joy in my life at my SSDJ. Soul sucking day job. Thanks for helping me get a meet and greet tonight too. I love the paper. I love how much I love comedy because of you now. I also love how you like to wear shirts and things about what you like. Because I do that too. You consistently consistent.

You consistently, consistently demonstrate. They wrote it that way, by the way. You consistently demonstrate what it means to be a good human. I wish the rest of the world was as empathetic as you.

Thank you for everything. When I'm depressed, Nikki's there. When I deal with my stomach sickness, Nikki's there. And when I'm having a great day, Nikki's also there. You are a consistent source of light

to everyone you touch. Oh, that's so nice. All the swells, Kristen. P.S. Skeletons are always laughing. Feel free to everyone you touch. Oh, that's so nice. All the swells, Kristen. P.S. Skeletons are always laughing. Feel free to write me or reach out anytime. She left her number. And she wrote something.

Apparently the news on the side and then Swifty for life. And then I want to F you as I want tofu. I love the inside jokes. Thank you so much for that sincere, beautiful handwritten note that I got at one of the meet and greets. I love you guys um there's something about putting it on paper that it just means so much yeah i don't know why i maybe because i'm old i love you guys so much and like thank you for listening i i just yeah i you know i can't say it enough it's it's you've

changed my life in the way that I look at what I do. And yeah, I love the love and I feel it back. And you guys are my friends too. And you make me feel less alone. And thank you so much for all the voice memos today. Thank you, Noah, for compiling those. And she said that there are so many of you guys. And you guys just keep bringing just great content.

Your A game. We're so happy. Yes, your A game is what she said. Thank you so much. Andrew, your A game is what she said. Thank you so much. Andrew, thank you. Thank you, Nikki. It was a great week and I'm excited for this weekend. Yeah, good shows ahead of us.

And there's going to be a special episode on Monday that you can look forward to. And what about the... What about... Oh, yeah. We have a live podcast coming up next week on Wednesday.

All the details of that will be released on our Nikki Glaser Pod Instagram page. In St. Louis. In St. Louis. A live podcast that you can come to the taping of and there might be cameras there for other reasons as well.

So look out for that information on the stories or a main post of Nikki Glaser Pod and we hope to see you there next Wednesday, the 27th in St. Louis at Joe's Cafe. And, well, don't be cool this weekend. Please, don't be cool. And have all the swells. Jack and the Beanstalk.

Yeah. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, means he's also back in our ears on the daily show ears edition podcast join late night legend john stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines exclusive extended interviews and more now this is a second term we can all get behind listen to the daily show ears edition on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts