The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #125 Fanthrax Only Pt. 2

Episode Date: October 26, 2021

With the voicemail box overflowing, Nikki and Andrew present a Fanthrax Only episode and give attention to what Besties have to say! They respond to stories about a husband who needed to shut up after anesthesia, a cure for a panic attack that won't work for Andrew, feedback from a charismatic Uber driver and answer a question about what to do with your pet when you're about to have sex. These voicemails really give them all the swells. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser podcast. I'm Nikki Glaser.

Welcome to a very special episode of the Nikki Glaser Podcast. This is an all Fanthrax episode. If you don't know what Fanthrax is. And Andrew's here. Yeah. Right out of the gate. You're probably wondering what I'm doing here so early. They probably thought we were going to talk about my butthole dying or something sad.

Yeah, like it's your final day on the show. You know, it was a great run. Thank you so much for it. No, you're just here. We're doing a special episode. Because we have just so many messages and letters and things from our fans that we just can't get to them once a week

in our usually weekly segment. So we're doing them all today. As many as we can get through in a shorter version of the podcast. But listen, we give you four days a week, so don't be sad that it's shorter. Yeah, back off. Listen to it on slow speed,

and it'll be as long as the other ones. Or just my regular speed. Andrew, what's that shirt you're wearing underneath? I like the pink font. Oh, Mom's. It's the deli here in St. Louis. Oh, cool. It's called Mom's Deli.

It was established in 1977. Yeah. You never had a sandwich. Your dad knew what it was. Yeah, I don't like sandwiches that much. But back in the day. Back in the day, I think I just went to Quiznos, you know?

Quiznos. Is there anything on the back of the shirt? Yeah. Is it the same? More Mom's Deli, yeah. But I love the pink off the black. Pink and black. I mean, who doesn't love it?

Okay, so let's just get to it. Tell our fans what Fanthrax is. So Fanthrax is videos, letters, emails, sending a crow to drop a tampon for Nikki. Handwritten letters. Handwritten letters. That are given to us during meet and greets. It could be anything. Anything from our fans.

We want to hear from you. We love hearing from you. And we're going to comment on what you say to us. So Noah, kick us off. Fuck yeah! Yeah! You just scared Luigi. Well, he should be scared, because it's

fucking fantastic. Alright, let's get into it. First up. We should go to a Megadeth concert. First up is Brianna. Hey, Nikki, Andrew, and Noah. My name is Brianna. Nikki, you've asked your listeners if they enjoy the Fanthrax segment as much as you do,

and I just wanted to let you know the answer is yes, absolutely. Yes. and I just wanted to let you know the answer is yes, absolutely. There's something to be said about people just calling in and letting you know how loved you are. It warms me up inside for some reason, but I just thought I need to let you know personally that you are so cool and I look up to you so much. My best friend and I have been listening to you since day one and we unpack nearly every episode together. We don't always agree with you, Nick, but we love you anyways. And we cannot wait to see you in LA in November.

Don't be a co-of-you. Bye. Oh, my God. Like a true friend, you don't always agree with me. Yes. I don't, like, part of that made me go, oh, they sometimes get together and go, God, she's so wrong and stupid. But the thing is, I say that about my best friends too sometimes.

Listen, it happens. I love that. Brianna, the fact that you look up to me makes me think you're younger than me. Or shorter. That's true too. Maybe shorter. Maybe both.

Yeah. And thank you. That means so much to me. I'm I just, I'm always like, how do people even discover me? And then how do they, and I love that.

I love listening to something that my friends and I can unpack. I mean, that's why I get involved in the bachelor, bachelorette, all those things. It's just so fun. And for me to put out something for us to put out something into the world that people get together and talk about,

it's so fucking cool. It is cool. It is weird sometimes to think like, I try not to think like that because sometimes i guess it could affect what you say or how you act it doesn't for me because i'm i can't act smart but uh i always have in the back of my mind that you know i always try to consider someone going that was really lame what you just said because it's usually me yeah thinking that but i mean yeah i mean i try to think of brianna and her friend now i picture them for some reason in koreatown because that's where i lived when i

was in my like early 20s and and i picture them like walking around even though it's not that safe to walk in koreatown sometimes i guess at night don't go discuss my podcast walking around at night but i picture them like getting together i picture them at starbucks that's the only place that i ever talk to sit down talk to people go for a walk you know i wonder what they say like i wonder how much you could really dissect i guess a lot yeah you don't listen to the first half first part probably of the show i get into a lot of weird places and i'm sure i mean i could listen back on those and disagree with myself like that's the thing i i always say I have more in common with people who disagree with me than and don't like me

than those who do but not anymore I have better self esteem and I can accept that I'm not that I sometimes am wrong it is interesting whatever you talk about the beginning I come on without consent like I you could literally like it's not the right word are

without consent like I you could literally like it's not the right word uh are without consent like i don't consent completely because i don't know what you said well okay that's different than saying you come on without you you come on uh seemingly as like your your attendance to the show would mean that you are in line with all of my views too. Yes, exactly. You should have a disclaimer that says, I do not, any of the views expressed during the first 15 minutes of this show or 20 minutes sometimes,

especially if it's 20 minutes or 25 minutes. No, I have a, it's funny. I get a vibe. I can feel it from my room. There's an energy. There's a long, like when Noah writes five minutes

and then writes, sorry, five minutes from now uh four minutes um no okay it's gonna be probably three more minutes I go oh no I can really sense but sometimes that means it's good yes that's true yeah that is sometimes I really find that my flow towards the end I mean my biggest fear is everyone goes oh my god I skipped the first part so um don't write in and tell us oh like a mark maron yeah like everyone used to say there should be an app that just skips the first part but i always liked the first part of mark maron's show more than the interview

i like hearing where his because you go to weird places when you are alone it's almost like um the same as like uh the the thing in jail where they put you alone with yourself solitary confinement yeah yeah you just you start i kind of start tripping out dude you talk to noah The thing in jail where they put you alone with yourself. Oh. Solitary. Solitary confinement. Yeah. Yeah, you just, you start, I kind of start tripping out, dude. You talk to Noah like she's like the wall. Yeah. Like a god.

Like a poster on my wall. Yeah. Like in Shawshank Redemption. Yeah, where you're cutting a hole in the back where you stopped after four inches because you're like, my hand hurts. If I had to escape from jail it would be the funniest i'd get shot before i even consider it i would just feel i would feel so guilty being in jail i feel like i belong there i i wouldn't be one of those people that's like i need to get

out unless i was really innocent i would try to do it the legal way which is like you know appeal to kim kardashian or be white yeah yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But, yeah, breaking out illegally. The idea of, like, trying to swim through Alcatraz. Like, we gotta swim this way because the sharks are sleeping at night. And we, yeah, we gotta get a ladder. People are so much braver than I could ever be. It's ridiculous.

Let's go to the next Fanthrex. Thank you. All right. I just want to say, Andrew, the countdown that I send you is for, like, efficiency, not for anything else. It's just so that you don't start doing something else. Yeah, no, Andrew, the countdown that I send you is for efficiency, not for anything else. It's just so that you don't start doing something else. Yeah.

No, I love the countdown. In other words, pooping. Yeah. It is funny, though. I get the countdown. I go a minute left, and I was pooping. And then she goes, no, she's ready now. And I was like, fuck.

I thought I had a minute. I can't believe how long it takes you to poop. It's in and out, boy. Probably too quick. And that's probably why I go multiple times. I don't get it all out. Right, right, right. Maybe I have a fear of my butt hurting, so I cut her off. Don't call her her.

Who? She's a girl. My little girl lady. My little lady butthole pussy. Okay. Sorry to whoever is up next on our Fanthrax for that well yeah it happens to be anonymous but um oh oh i know him a reference to an old uh story i literally used to think that any quote that was by a non oh my god shut up i thought it was a greek poet named anon you know

some i thought it was the guy from Serial. Adnan. Okay. Oh, yeah. Let's hear from Adnan. Hey, Nikki, Andrew, and Noah. I have an anesthesia story. Two different experiences where my husband, one time when he woke up from getting an endoscopy, he was really agitated and he kept calling the nurses bitches. And he was just in like a curtained off room where there were like seven other patients in there and all the nurses were rocking around.

So I know that they heard him, but I think he was angry because they had a hard time getting his IV in before surgery. So he kept telling me after he came out that the bitches had to poke him several times to get his IV. So that was, um, highly embarrassing. And then one other time he had to get surgery on his ACL. Um, he had to get his ACL replaced. And when he was waking up um he said that he was having phantom pains and uh you know phantom pains are the pains that an amputee feels uh where they can still feel like they feel the limb that got amputated and yeah he said he could feel phantom pains which was ridiculous because he didn't get his leg amputated he just had knee surgery so i told him he was a dumbass you know he didn't get his leg andputated.

And then he called you a bitch. It was still there. So those are just a couple funny stories. Maybe you meant Phantom of the Opera, maybe. Love you. Thank you for those, Anonymous. Yeah, you didn't know what phantom pain was? Phantom limb?

When she started describing it, I've heard of it before. I mean, that's wild. It's so wild to feel like like a lot of times they feel like their hand is being put in like a meat grinder and there's no hand there it's just the nerves it's just and you're meant to the brain nerves shooting off like you still have an arm fuck and you know how they eliminate it sometimes as they give you um there's some kind of system developed where there's a mirror where they have you look into something that you can find you can see a hand by moving your left hand it looks like your look into something that you can see a hand by

moving your left hand. It looks like your right hand. So suddenly you can feel your hand and see that it's not being put in a meat grinder. And so you can visualize what your right hand would look like if it were there. And then your brain can go, okay, let go of the pain. It's so fucked. Maybe I'll do it with my foreskin. Do you think calling a bitch? Yeah. That'd be so funny I'll do it with my foreskin. Do you think calling a bitch.

Yeah. That'd be so funny if you had a phantom foreskin. Sorry. That's so funny that you're talking about that. Because me and all my friends are on a group chat talking about whether or not my friend's baby should be circumcised. And we're all like either pro or anti. And we're all talking about like why. And it's just a big well phantom

foreskin pain is a real thing really maybe you should throw that in no uh doctor had to hold my little dick up to a mirror one a little um uh makeup mirror yeah to make you feel like you had it and like did you do you ever have phantom emotional pain from kids laughing and pointing at your anteater dick? Yeah, especially when, yeah. ACLs, though, you get a cadaver ACL. That's the other thing. That's cool. Kids will make fun.

That's a true thing, though. I know, but that's cultural. No, kids make fun of your anteater dick. They're going to make fun of your dick no matter what if it's not. No, it sticks out. I'm telling you, I grew up making fun of them. I'm you if i told my friend you know i'm i'm i'm for whatever she wants to do no i'm actually like i i'm either but what i what i think is that if you raise someone to be with enough self-esteem which i think my friend will they'll be able to tolerate

the bullying yeah and be able to deal with it more than, you know, parents who back in the eighties, whenever we have these stories of my friend was tortured for his, you know, it's been his nineties. There wasn't like this open discourse of like loving yourself. And I think that now kids are growing up,

liking themselves more and being okay with being different. And I think that my friend can make her son so he's not someone who's deeply insecure about that. But I also, whatever. Whatever she wants to do. Look, if you're a kid with foreskin out there, write into us. I would love to hear from people with foreskin and how horrible it's been.

Or women who have seen it and they're like, I would never date someone with foreskin. I think we talked about this before on the pod and people are very polarizing. It's like a really polarizing. I never realized how polarizing it was. dates i want to add i think we talked about this before on the pod and people are very uh oh it's it's like it's like a really polar i never realized how polarizing it was it's like a crazy it is people don't you understand with infections and then like and then the other side it's literally like the infection thing is a is an excuse that men do it's like saying a deviated symptom for a nose job you just want a nose job. I had a friend in his mid-30s.

He had to get a circumcision because of infection. So it is real. Touché. Touché. And she divided his balls. Why do we have it then? No, I did not. Why do they have this foreskin?

Why does a foreskin exist? Biologically, what purpose does it serve? Why is there a a gallbladder tonsils not a pancreas appendicitis you tell me

why are there tonsils I don't know is it a thing that eventually they're not needed we grew out of it not our dicks what did we need a foreskin for to protect our dicks

from infection I guess but why back in the day back in the as cave people like before clothes that was a way of spiders and stuff

could get in protecting it yeah yeah protection but that's also so why don't I take off my clitoral hood why

why am I why are women's not pussies not being so infected by because they lift up you just wash enough so that you get in there

just like sensitive just wash more because my you get in there. Just like. Sensitive though. Just wash more. Because my clitoral hood is my foreskin. Vaginas get more yeast infections and stuff like that than penises. Right. So I guess we should just start clipping off clitoral hoods. Just keep the clip there. But I would just say that if my clitoral hood didn't exist, I would be, it would decrease

my sensitivity because I would always be having something pushing on my clit. No, that's another argument. People have that. Guys say that when they're not... I'm not a doctor. I don't know fucking anything. But back to your husband calling the girls bitches. Wait, Noah.

I wanted to hear Noah's last thought on it. Go, sorry. No, I was going to say that some women get their clits pierced because they want that constant. Yeah. That would seem like a lot. Is it their clit pierced or their clit hood pierced? The hood. The hood, to be honest.

Yeah. Yeah. I would get mine pierced. I think that's kind of cool. I thought it was actually the clit. And you're right. It is a clitoral hood that women are getting pierced. It's a misnomer to say clit pierced i think that's kind of cool i thought it was actually the clit and you're right it is a clitoral hood that women are getting pierced it's it's a misnomer to say clit pierced but it's the hood because it's getting your clit pierced would be so fucking excruciating i why did that hurt my

clit i don't even have one you do it's your penis yeah i guess it did if i felt in the top of my cock um but if your penis could be larger because it had a foreskin, would you kind of want it? No. No. Unless it was like considerably larger. But I think just looking at it where it would look like it'd have more length because it's like the tip of a high heel. Yeah. I don't think it would.

It wouldn't matter to you. Yeah, because it's like fake to me. Got it. Because it's coming back. Got it. It's like wearing Timberlands. Why? Where it gives you more height? Yeah. Yeah. It's not real. It's like wearing Timberlands. Why? Where it gives you more height?

Yeah. Yeah. It's not real. It's an illusion. But also penis pumps are illusions too. Hey, that was only four times. All right. But back to being called bitches.

Oh, yeah. Do you think that is- But here's the thing. I have a question. He has anger issues? That's my question. Is we get mad at people when they're hammered when they say things when you're drunk you tell the truth when you come out of

colonoscopy no but that's my question i'm not saying that yeah i don't think that when you're drunk you tell the truth i think that it can obviously lessen your um the voice in your head that says don't say this but i think it i've done things when i'm drunk and said things that absolutely were not true and i did not believe them and i treated people in ways that were you know maybe anger from something else makes its way and then i shoot anger at someone that does not deserve it but that's not what i want to be that's not a representation of how i really feel about that person it's like so i think that the endoscopy yeah he might have some anger and he might really be wanting to call women bitches in some part of his life, which let me just say, everyone does. He's not alone.

It doesn't make your anonymous husband a bad person. There are things I think we all think and want to say sometimes that we can't. How do you feel about parents filming their kids after getting wisdom teeth out? Funny. Funny? But what about if you're that kid? um how do you feel about parents filming their kids after getting wisdom teeth out and they like funny funny but if but what about if you're that kid and i'm sure most people will laugh about it needs a consent to it and i know you're like well why does how would a kid know what he wants out there if it's cute and harmless like who cares like i don't know there's cameras following me around for something right now and some people are like what if I have kids someday and they catch me like saying this dirty thing or something like

what if I what if somehow yeah and it's like um you'll like you're it'll be okay like you didn't murder anyone on camera like you saying that you maybe you know tasted cum before isn't gonna make your kid go jump off a bridge or like yes it'll be okay for every person that's like why would you let that let your kid not say homophobic stuff or racist stuff but like they say like pretty fucked up stuff when they come out you know yeah i wouldn't put my kids saying racial slurs no but my point being is like i hope they wouldn't parents will go uh some people will go how could you do that to your kid and it's like i saw this other video on tiktok of a kid who a dad put his kid on like a like a four-wheeler when he was like maybe six and the kid fucking ate shit off this four-wheeler right and it's again it's polarizing half the people are like he's gonna toughen up and be the best four-wheeler. And again, it's polarizing. Half the people are like, he's going to toughen up

and be the best four-wheel rider ever by the age of nine. And then the other people are like, how could you be so irresponsible? People are projecting all over the place. Just mind your own. That kid is, if that's what's happening on camera to that kid,

you can only imagine the trust. Yeah, he's probably on a unicycle off camera. I don't know. People get so upset about stuff that isn't any of their business. But I guess I do too. I'm always just like, why do you have a fucking designer dog, you piece of shit? And then I go, wait, why am I mad at this animal?

I don't like designer dogs. I actively don't like those dogs. But at the same time, I won't kill an ant. And I'm like, why do I hate these designer dogs? And literally don't like the dog. like, literally don't like the dog. It's like, I'll have like, you don't like the dog,

but I don't, but that's not true. Of course I love all animals. If I saw the dog at a shelter, I'd be like, Oh, but the fact that the, what happened to get that for that dog to exist is such a disgusting thing.

I think. And like, just so stupid and empty and dumb and wasteful of other animals that need homes that i just hate that dog and it's not about that dog it's about what if you looked at it though like i mean obviously you could get the love you get from a mutt that you get from a purebred animal but what if someone argues like this was my dream dog growing up this shut up shut up. But I wanted this dog because I like the way they look and it was my dream dog. You don't get everything you want in life.

If you having your dream dog leads to you not getting a dog at a rescue that's going to be euthanized and I know you're like, but that dog could have developmental issues. Then give it back. Okay? Just try to do something that you don't get to do everything you want.

And I know I'm going to get a lot of enemies from this. If you have a designer dog, I don't, it's not, I'm still be your friend. I get it. They are fucking cute as fuck. I don't think they're that cute,

but I know some people just really like the look of a dog that has like a gray, smushy face where they can't breathe. Yeah. And like gray eyes that look through your soul. Are you describing me? Yeah. Old gray eye lisp. I mean,

I just lost so many, we're going to get so many thumbs down on this YouTube video. But I just don't know what to say. There are a lot of things I do that are

supporting bad businesses too. So I'm a hypocrite for sure. Let's go to a break. Let's go to a quick break and then we'll come back with more I honestly think we could do these fan thorax me and you forever for probably 12 hours and

I swear to God I think we could literally do like we could we should do a marathon maybe not today I got stuff to do you and Nikki just want to hear yourself talk we'll take a quick break and get some more but not too much catch Jon Stewart back in action on the daily show and in your ears Nikki just want to hear yourself talk. Yeah, we'll take a quick break and get some more, but not too much. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors,

it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. Let's get to more okay this one comes from kira kira hi nikki noah and andrew i hope you guys are having all the swells i love the pod listen all the time since the very beginning um you're having a great week so far i'm just going to say

um i suffer from panic attacks and whenever i get them my teeth like chatter really fast almost like i was shivering but i'm not cold my teeth just chatter i don't know why they do that um but i was having one last week and my teeth were chattering really badly and I remembered how you say your skeleton is always laughing and I just pictured that like when my teeth were chattering so fast it looked like my skeleton was laughing at like a really funny joke and it like helped me calm down um so I don't know if anybody else suffers from that um but that like it actually helped me so much when I was having a panic attack so maybe it can help someone else thank you guys for being such a light you're not coming to my

city on tour this tour but I know that I'll be able to see you in person one day so I can't wait love you thank you love you Kira oh my god that's so nice do you relate to that um when you have panic attacks having something take you out of it yeah i mean i don't know if that would take me out of it i was thinking about i was like that's amazing but then i would maybe think skeleton think death think uh you know my bones are inside my body it could lead me k down. Kira, don't do this. But don't listen. Don't listen to that. Just stick with it being funny. Kira's at home going, like it's worse. But yeah,

I just, yeah, I picture her teeth wound up on the table, those little whiny things. With the little feet. But yeah,

no, I relate to that so much. What is taking you out of it? Me going, calm down. Why are you gulping? Why are you clearing your throat? Yeah, that really helps.

I think that's what led to it. I just really don't understand panic attacks. I want to understand them because they have symptoms where you don't even know. But if you're picking at your leg, right? Or if you're picking at your nails, you said sometimes you'll look in the...

I remember you told me one time you have episodes when you're alone where you... i mean i that's a form of a panic attack i would assume i like hit myself well that is yeah i mean uh yeah you should probably have a panic room for your own fist but um no but like when you pick your leg and stuff that's a form of of panic i think and it's coming out in that way. But I don't – but I know that I can trace immediately to what I'm stressed out about. Yeah, that's – And I know what I'm doing, whereas I think some people describe panic attacks as like – on Ted Lasso, for instance, he's on the field and he's involved in the game,

and then all of a sudden his first sign of it is his hands going numb. Whereas for me, when I go to pick my leg my first sign is anxiety and then i go to that to soothe yeah you have you have an ability not to go to death which a lot of people that suffer panic attacks that's where they first go so let's say i'm having you know chest like heartburn i go to heart attack where you would go but does the symptom start so the heartburn might be from indigestion you're saying yes and then it will spiral into death and then panic attack. Yeah. And then you're just panicking that you're dying right then.

Yeah. Like it's almost like you're drowning. This is it. Yeah. And you can't get out of the pool unless you accept that you're drowning. So it's almost like, you know, when you're swimming and they go, go with the current. Yes.

Don't fight against it. That's exactly what you should do with a panic attack, which seemsintuitive how do you go with a panic attack let's like talk to me about i mean at first you can't like luckily i have zoloft thank you jesus you know he did yeah and astrazeneca and astrazeneca and um anon maybe it's pfizer um i'm trying at first you can't do anything you just have to the quicker you can accept and get your brain around

that this is gonna pass and that it's just panic the faster it'll go away but you want to fight it, you want to fight anything you're like fight or flight, I'll fight this off I'll be fine, I'm gonna stay alive I've had moments where the most recent one was when I was on that Reddit thread and reading

like all the worst things about me that I feared about myself. And it was so like, I don't know how to describe it. It was like something I've only maybe felt when I've been broken up with and it just, or like, um, the worst thing imaginable is happening and it feels like my worst fear. Like it feels like almost like a fantasy, like a bad dream. But do you feel anything, um, um,

medically or with your body? It's just like in my, it's in, it's just like this, like, like just like, like, I don't know how I'm gonna have to kill myself yeah

to to i'm never gonna get over the shame i feel right now the only way that i will get over it it's the sadness that like the thing that i fear more than anything in the world is happening and all the things i do to you know for me that moment, it was like everything I do to convince to say that's not Nick, you're delusional. If you think that people think you're not talented or that you're not or that you're obnoxious and you're dumb and you're not talented and that you'requent and like used to be fans and then they're abandoning me it felt like it's this nightmare is happening and i cannot believe it felt like like i just there's it felt there's nothing i can do to soothe this there's nothing except suicide and there was like a there's just a feeling of like i have to do it fuck I'm gonna have to kill myself because this is, there's nothing anyone could say that will ever make me feel better about what I just read.

Ever, I've seen it now and in that moment, it's just like, that's when I grab a scissors. And I'm not saying that so that people go, Nikki's trying to make us feel bad, so don't ever say anything bad about Nikki because she's gonna threaten us with self harm. I'm not saying that. Say what you want about me.

It's my job to protect myself and to have coping mechanisms that aren't cutting myself. But there's just something about it that's like – that's the only time I've felt like truly like I'm going to explode. Like I'm just going to – and I just like – it's like I want to just implode. Yeah, it's interesting that what we're afraid of, death, right? Yeah. Can lead you to wanting death to get out of it already. I'm not saying that's what you did, but I'm saying it's just an interesting thing. Well, it's the only escape from being a bad person. And that if people hate you and you're a bad person and now everyone knows it and

now you have confirmation of it, this thing you've always sneakily thought, but everyone, all the, you know, experts you see say, no, that's a symptom of your depression. But then you go, no, actually, it's true. I have some, I could print out some pages of evidence that people do think this about me. I'm not alone. I i'm not delusional then it just becomes a death sentence of like you shouldn't exist like what you're a selfish bad person you're not bringing any good to the world and not killing yourself to go you hurt me see how bad you hurt me you're gonna suffer now because you're gonna feel bad i killed myself it's i have to get rid of myself so I don't do any more harm to the world. Do you think that it's kind of like,

let's say you do have moments of where you're not being your best self, right? Do you think, and then you read that people see the way that you saw, do you feel like sometimes you might, and I think I might do this too, is like, I'll act in a certain way that I assume that either people think I am or what I think I am.

It's hard to explain. Sometimes you could be a bigger dick when people are just like, okay, I'll be a dick. I am a dick. You know what I mean? I don't know what the psychology of that is. Well, if you're going to call me it when I'm trying not to be, then I'll just be. Yeah.

That kind of thing. Yeah. Like when I, yeah, sorry, Noah. Sorry, I was going to say, I used to say that I have panic attacks until I had a therapy session, and I really wanted to talk about it. And my therapist, she's like, what is a panic attack? And as I started going, you know, like trying to explain it, which is very difficult.

It is hard. Yeah. I think what I realized is, is that it's like, I think it's a misnomer. I think it's like, it's like an amalgamation of like all of the issues that are unresolved or low self-esteem or you know like i don't have confidence i don't know how to handle this and it's just like it comes all together into one and i think that once i stopped giving it um any clout by calling it a panic attack and making it something i was able to kind of like just like stop going through interesting yeah

no i get what you're saying by that like and the longer you get away from it the more it doesn't seem like it could possibly happen to you right like i don't give it a definition i don't allow it to be a thing that happens a weird thing with my brain is that i what you're saying like when i started not having them or started not having as much anxiety i was like i don't know it like made me kind of like more interesting to have anxiety like i think there's something to like missing that feeling of like sadness or being scared or like because you kind of feel a little alive in the moment and you feel like there's something maybe maybe a little bit more interesting you're more of a victim you have an excuse you have a sickness that gets you a little bit of attention or sympathy

from people especially now that we are more aware of mental health and we we we give more sympathy to people noah how how did your panic attacks, what you were defining as panic attacks, what did they look like for you? Mine was, I would just start having heavy breathing, and when I would close my eyes, I would just see shadows. And the only thing that would help me get out of it is I'd have to go into a small room or under the covers

or into a closet. I would sit in a closet closet and then it would, it would pass. Like, it's just like, did you feel like you were going to die? Were you, did you feel like you were like gasping for air,

like drowning kind of thing? Yeah, it was like that. I didn't have it. It does like suicidal thoughts are separate from that. I think that, you know, that's more like related to when I was,

you know, going through a bad depression. But, um, I think it's just like this overwhelming feeling of just the world just kind of closing in on you yeah I don't think I've I think um what I've experienced is just like not a panic attack but I just even the just wanting and then the time like uh last year that i just like punched myself

so many times like just beat myself up was just like that was i didn't want to kill myself but that's the thing that i could do that would like punish me for being such a bad person and like that's retribution for all the people that hate you and like you're you you're gonna keep living in a with a sheltered life and keep getting money and keep you keep having a show you haven't there's no been no punishment you got to take it out on yourself to make things right i guess yeah the other day i went to um one of my like uh music lessons and i was headed over and I was just like, God, you need to fucking do something for someone else. All you do is talk about yourself all day.

You have a thing happening where it's just all about you. Every fucking conversation you have is about you. You have people that all your friends are kind of like working for you. It's just like you, you, you, like what the fuck? And I was just like driving over there and I'm just like, God, please like let me help someone today. Like I want to do something totally

that is not self-serving, which it ends up being self-serving. I know, that's so funny. Because I was also feeling really depressed and sad and I was like, I know the remedy for this is doing something that has nothing to do with me. The self-care for me is helping someone else and putting myself out there. And I was just like, please.

But I was going to this thing that I was paying for an hour of this person's time to teach me a musical thing. And I got there. And I was like, you know, they were like, how are you feeling? I'm like, I'm good. We hadn't seen each other in a while. And I'm like, I'm good. Just pleasantries. And I just go, you know, they were like, how are you feeling? I'm like, I'm good. We hadn't seen each other in a while. And I'm like, I'm good. Just pleasantries. And I just go, how are you?

And the person was like, I'm okay. And I was just like, tell me more. And we spent the whole hour that I'm paying for talking about this person's problem. Yeah. talking about this person's problem yeah and i was able to give this person hope in a way that they hadn't felt in for so long i was able to because the way that they communicated they were feeling sad i was like i've i know that sadness like it's a very specific kind of sadness same kind of suicidal ideations same kind of there's certain kind of suicidal ideations, same kind of, there's certain types of depression. Like this person had my type of depression, this very rare form of depression

that manifests in this way. And I was like, I know that kind. Is it like this, this? And I eventually obviously made it about myself, but I just, but that was my way of helping that person. You were paying. And we didn't get to anything that we were supposed to do. It was all about getting this person out of that funk and giving them hope. And I called a doctor that I know that helped me. And I was like, this person's going to call you. Make sure you, here's what I've observed. I know I'm not a professional, but they seem to have all the same characteristics I did.

I really recommend the same kind of treatment you prescribed for me. But, you know, that's up to you, obviously. I just want you to assess them. Will you please let me know anything I can do? If they can't get in with you, can we find someone? I took time out of my day to like – and it was just so nice because I asked God or whatever I believe God is for a way to help. And it just – who knew me just going, cause I thought, oh, this person's not even going to want to tell me about their life. Like I didn't want to go, listen, can we

make this all about you? Cause I really need to do some service right now. I didn't have to say that. And this person wasn't like, I'm sorry, the lesson was all about you. They were all about me. The person was just like, I go, thank you so much for this. And they were, they were like, thank you. And we're like nearly crying and we hugged and we're like i love you it was just so beautiful and it was just um it was just so nice it was so nice and obviously in the end very very self-serving because i walked out of there like i'm a hero but so what but no dude those self-serving things are the end justifies the means they're like all day long like anyone that like I make fun of you know I'm a big brother and I'm helping it's like

okay you're doing this so you could put it on your Bumble account yeah but it's well worth it like it's yes the only thing that I would say is like I'm not doing that to brag about it I'm doing it to say like you are sometimes you it really does help your mood to help other people and I never thought that would be the case

but but if my only thing is like if I if you ask someone like how they're doing and then they explain and then you go, well, I'd like to help you. Then then I think it could almost turn to like, well, now I'm making this about me helping that person. I didn't say that. I just go, tell me about that. Yeah. And I go, wow. I know. No, when you went out to the doctor, like, was she like all for that? And yeah, I go, I have a doctor. Can I recommend? Yeah. And I go, wow. No, no, no. When you went out to the doctor, was she all for that?

Yeah, I go, I have a doctor. Can I recommend them? And she was like, yeah. I mean, I would love that. And I go, I'm going to call and leave a message. And then I wrote and didn't do anything over the top. And the way I called the doctor was not like, you need to prescribe this and this. I was just like, they seem to have a lot of the characteristics I do.

And yeah, it just felt, I'm glad now that I know. I wish I would have had that tool earlier on. If you're out there and you're suffering, I swear to God going and picking up trash on your dog walk will make you feel better. Yeah, just thinking outside yourself. And it's not even about like, now I get to say I picked up trash and look at everyone's going to think I'm such a good person.

It just feels good to do something that isn't for you. My panic was thinking about myself. I mean, it's all about yourself. It's just a quick thing you can do that isn't journaling, that isn't like going to meditate. It's just go. I wasn't sad about starving kids.

It was about me. It's like, think about outside me. Give a dollar to a homeless person. Write a letter to your doorman or the janitor that cleans your building. Something that's just nice. Venmo me. Venmo Andrew. He'll spend that money on himself.

Not self-serving. Next fan facts. Next one comes from from nick why do i like to close my eyes nicky andrew noah this is nick in northern california huge fan of the podcast been listening since episode one actually i've been listening since before episode one you up with nicky glazer got me through season one of COVID spring 2020. But you guys are crushing it. I just wanted to tell you you're doing a great job.

Listen, I'm an Uber driver. And the best part of my morning is that in between passengers, I get to listen to the Nikki Glaser podcast. As soon as somebody gets out of my car, I switch it over. I crank it up. And then, of course, when somebody else gets back in, I have to turn it off because usually the conversation is about penises and buttholes and vaginas you guys know how it goes we do but you make my mornings so thank you so much i also wanted to point out that i was listening to an older episode the one where andrew's friend seth glassman comes on and i thought it was hilarious that at least twice he said that he was an intricate part of the penis pump story

and I think he meant integral part. And I thought it was classic that just like Andrew's best friend has a tendency to misuse words just like Andrew does. I mean, you can't make that up. It's amazing. Listen, you guys, keep it funky, alright? You're doing a great

job. What the fuck? Don't change a thing. Can he call us every morning? So just keep it funky. All right? You're doing a great job. What the fuck? Don't change a thing. It's all working. Can he call us every morning? Just keep it up. And Jack Nicholson. Yes, that's a good one. Yeah, that's good. That's good. Dude.

I mean, that guy is. I love him. That guy is. I wish he just was in my brain all the time. He has an Uber driver voice. Yeah. Like, fun Uber driver voice. Do you know what I mean?

Welcome to northern. You like San Franciscober driver voice welcome to northern you like san francisco hey guys how you doing where you where you come from like he has i'm excited that this is my uber driver i actually want to engage in this conversation this guy is positive fun he reminds he is i want to be friends with him he's kind of like seth in a way my buddy seth like how he talked he sounds like he's almost from New York. You know who he sounded like? Our friend who, he didn't sound like him, but the way his intonation sounded like Brad. The guy that talks like this. Yeah.

Hey, Nicky. Nicky. Andrew. Noah. Oh my God. How you doing? What's going on? What was his name?

Nick. I'm like attracted to Nick via his voice. I feel like there's something to be said about, what if there was an app just about voices? I'm really into your voice, Nick. Very into it. Maybe that's why you like me. Maybe it's similar. And I'm into his positivity.

Everything about him screams good guy. Yeah. He has charisma. Nick, we want to know more. So much charisma. Yes, he does. He's an intricate part of this Fanthrex episode, too. Integral. Integral. How do you this Fanthrex episode, too. Intrigal.

Intrigal. How do you not know that? Intrigate part. I can't believe I didn't catch that. I feel like maybe I was trying to be polite because he was a guest, or maybe I didn't notice. I definitely didn't. But I'm glad he didn't.

I didn't even notice when Nick said it. Even after he told us why. Sometimes I'll look up words and I'll be like, I'm more confused by the definition god someone you know what i was watching a megan fox machine gun kelly um have you been have you been showing that on youtube video yet but you sent me yeah like i showed you a clip of it but there's oh i am weed that oh yeah the i am weed thing um but he goes at, I was watching the whole thing, and she was like, she used a great word. What was it?

Oh, no, my friend used obsequious the other day. Obsequious. Obsequious. And I was like, what does that mean? And she was like, because I obviously know that word, know how to spell it, but I don't know exactly what it means. And it's, I forget it already. You're like subordinate to somebody.

Obsequious. Okay, yeah. I was thinking it was being like yeah yeah i i can often be obsequious to certain people and it's again it's not my nature but that word really hit me i was like i am obsequious in so many circumstances and then but the word that she used she used some word that i go is this she even using it right and boy was she ever it was a perfect word like sometimes people with big words what is it she's so smart because someone i was listening to the courtney show which is my favorite morning show in st louis and courtney was talking about watching that video and she goes i gotta say megan fox is really smart and i knew she was smart and then Machine Gun Kelly even says like you know she one of the questions was like what do people think like what's something that someone

would be surprised to know about me what's a secret talent he's like that you're smart as fuck your IQ is probably just so insane and you read all the time and I was just again jealous about of Megan Fox for another thing yeah she's She's really smart. She's from my hometown. Really? Port St. Lucie, Florida. Oh, cool. Wait, what was the word that she... Was it a...

It wasn't that. It was something to do with your being... She's like, you know, a word that means like beating around the bush or being obtuse, vague. Will you look up other words that mean like synonyms for vague? Sounds like what Brian Austin Green would do. Let me look up vague. He'd beat around the bush instead of uh no she definitely unclear uncertain um unfocused imprecise i want more i'm vague

synonyms she it was such a good word um uh nebulous nebulous nebulous i think nebulous she goes you're being clout she goes well that was a nebulous. Nebulous. I think nebulous. She goes, you're being clout. She goes, well, that was a nebulous response. And I was like, I think she used that wrong, even though I don't know what it is. And I looked it up and I go, no, it was fucking perfect. But do you think she has like maybe 30 words that she goes to? No, I don't think she's one of those people because it was such a it wasn't her trying to use nebulous. It just was a better use than saying vague or the other words that are on this list that I just looked up.

All right. Let's get to the last fan tracks. Okay. Let's do. Let's end the show with this one. It's a it's a an advice question. Also anonymous. Again.

Hey, guys. no also anonymous again hey guys i have a quick question for nikki and noah i just got a kitten and i'm wondering when you guys have sex with your partners do you kick your pets out of the room or do you let them like hang out in the room because uh my kitten will like scratch at the door and meow and i'm trying to navigate if it's weird to keep her in the room or like if i should just keep her locked out and so i'm just curious what you guys have been doing yeah um i would love the advice thanks guys love the pod thank you so much for this question what a great question Noah I'll start with you because you do have a new kitten as well um what Buzzy must hear maybe Buzzy gets threatened by other things that are making buzzing noises B Buzzy just got educated, had like a sex education class a couple of days ago. Where was Buzzy and did Buzzy try to get involved?

Did Buzzy learn how to divide and multiply? No, he was just sitting at the window. Divide with your nose. Divide with your nose. Oh, he was just sitting at the window, didn't try to get involved. Did you ever lock eyes with Buzzy or were you aware that Buzzy was in the room?

He did make us laugh at one point, but you know, that only makes the sex better when you're laughing. Yes, yes. What about you? Did he go like this obvious balls? yeah play with them how did it

I just find that it's so like what the listener was saying when they're pawing at the door or making any kind of sounds or like crying it just takes me out of it I don't like it

it's so distracting and then you start getting torn up whenever you hear them scratching at anything. It's Pavlov's dogs for your... I used to always keep the dogs out of the room and they would go scratch at the door. Marion would go... And then when I would hear that sound,

it would trigger me, my pussy salivating because I would always associate it with me having sex. It was weird. One time I heard it and I was like, well not now, Marianne's at my parents. Come. Gross, gross Andrew. Andrew.

It was a fun, it was fun. But I will say, with dogs, with Luigi, he's in the room and he's on his bed, and sometimes he, like when we go to the floor or something and we're near him, he'll just want to get involved in stuff, but it's just like,

no, you go to your bed and like, I think that they're not going to be traumatized. I think it's okay. We watch them hump each other and we're not traumatized. They can handle, they're used to seeing each other. It's not aized. They can handle. They're used to seeing each other. It's not a private thing that they do. And so I think it's okay.

Cats also, even if you're – I feel like cats, they look at you, but they never feel that involved with you, so it doesn't feel like they're as intrusive as a dog would probably lick your foot and be like – Yes. Like really in there you know i had a dog lick my pussy though watch out where they head towards to a guy if you oh yeah lick my pussy and he just runs across the room and starts laughing at your cat i think like yeah i think

like i think that you can, overdo it though, I'm sure there's some people, that like pet their dog, while they're fucking, and it's just like, yeah, no, no,

there's a line, probably, that's weird, yeah, it is weird though, like the one time, and I've told this before, I was on a couch,

and like, getting, doing doggy, and like, Luigi licked my face, in the front, and it felt like, a gang bang, like of like, a guy kissing you front and it felt like a gangbang yeah

like of like a guy kissing you while you're getting a guy from behind I was just like there was something about that was like a little like I'm not gonna like in I wasn't like letting him do it too but there was a moment where I was just like oh my god this is hilarious it's too much doggy yeah and then Marion was eating Luigi's ass it was was like a whole thing that once you, and Buzzy was watching from a window. So that little cuck freak. Thank you for your advice questions.

That's fun. We would love to help you with your life. Thank you so much for listening to this very special episode of fan threats. We will be back tomorrow with a fresh episode Tuesday in St. Louis. And you, as always, you can catch our podcast on YouTube.

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