The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #128 Get Left

Episode Date: October 29, 2021

Between you and Nikki the morning after the live pod feels pretty good, as good as Andrew's foot massages. Andrew shares his dream for Nikki's career but she has some of her own ideas and realizations. You Heard It Here First- blaming a kid for a DUI is not clever, or is it? Andrew's game from his younger years with his friends who have mobster names, punishing cucumbers and a Weekly Sports Moment where they need more clarity from Joe Buck himself! They play his message in Fanthrax along with other fun bestie messages about legs and moments the pod came in handy... not that kind of handy! Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki.

Hey, here I am. Hello, everyone, as I clear my throat and it didn't help anything. It's Nikki Glaser. Welcome to the Nikki Glaser podcast. It's Thursday, and you know what that means. Wait, why isn't this working? Oh, it didn't. Oh, God.

It tricked you. It almost didn't work, and it, yeah, it has a, mind if it's an, oh, Andrew forgot to take the plastic off this button. Like the film, get ready for the sound. Hold on. ASMR. Oh, yes. Look how smooth it is now. What was he even thinking?

Noah, how's it going? Good. You're in studio. I know. It's so funny. Welcome. Oh, we didn't turn on our sign. Oh.

I don't know why that's not on. Here's the remote. Oh, there's the remote. Welcome. Oh, we didn't turn on our sign. I don't know why that's not on. Oh, there's the remote. Sweet. Sorry about that, Mark. There we go. We're back on. Now the show's starting. Welcome! Hey, guys! Welcome to the Nikki Glaser podcast. I'm Nikki Glaser. It's Thursday. Last night, we had the live podcast

at Joe's Cafe In St. Louis So many besties came out So many individual besties that were then sat together As groups And they became friends Throughout the night And like I thought a lot of people were couples

Or friends that came together but no Just individual besties coming out to shows It was so much fun You were so good Noah you looked so cute you looked like taylor swift at um the uh tiny desk concert that okay that's what you looked like so i wore a blazer yeah plaid blazer and i i gotta say it was i like when i went to the store to buy it I was like I think Nikki would like this I loved it I loved it I want to get one for myself I was on Poshmark what no no no I mean I will follow up on that and see if you're serious but yeah I um I loved it so much it um it's hard for me though

because sometimes the blazers I see them online and I see them advertised like a fun boyfriend blazer, like oversized because yours was kind of oversized. Yeah, but still narrow. Not too boxy. Not too boxy. Yes. Yes. It just it looked it made you look petite as opposed to sometimes I put those on and

I feel like it's a costume. I have a story to tell you about a blazer. Please. So before we met, the first time I saw you, we were at SiriusXM. And I see this tall blonde in this blazer. I'd never seen anyone wear a blazer like this walk into an office. Whoa, she means business. I know. And I was like, who is that?

And I was a couple of feet away. I was just looking. I was looking. I wonder what it was, she means business. I know. And I was like, who is that? And I was like, like a couple of feet away. I was just looking, I was looking at her, what it was, what blazer. Um, it was like this gray, it was like gray,

white and black. Like, I don't know. Yeah. So then I, I, um, and this was even like before I worked in comedy,

I was like on trucking radio. So I text my friend Roland, who is, you know, is everybody in comedy. And I was like, Roland, who is in Jack's office. And he roland who is you know is everybody in comedy and i was like roland who is in jack's office and he like walks by you know just like grazes by yeah and he's like oh it's

nikki glazer and it was just a bit like around the time that my sister and i watched your first netflix special where you're wearing like the black sweater and the leather skirt. Yes, yes. And I was just like, what? And then fast forward and we worked together. Oh my God. And I'm wearing a Taylor Swift shirt that I got from a kid when I was doing local radio in Richmond, Virginia. And I was like, I love your shirt. And he took it off. So that's me today.

I love it when there's stuff on the sleeves. That's the best kind of merch. Yeah, we're both wearing long sleeve t-shirts like like stuff on the sleeves there is that's the best kind of merch yeah we're both wearing long sleeve t-shirts that have stuff on the sleeve what what is that band wait can i try to read with this heavy metal so it looks like machu picchu on the bottom is that right or is that just like uh guess again wait is that something should i it is it is what i mean it's it looks like a mountain that has a bunch of uh stars on it or like is it a mountain it looks oh you know what it is a rat going yeah okay so it is what's Grave... Grave... Gravesend... Why can't... Gravesendu?

Graves... I don't know. Gravesend. Gravesend? Yeah. Which is a neighborhood in Brooklyn. This is like a metal band. Oh, Gravesend.

Oh, I thought it was like, we're sending you to the grave. This is a gravesend. And then you get stabbed. Are they really good? Yes. What are some of your favorite tracks? I might know someone personally that's in this band

that's anonymous on it. Oh, wow. Okay, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Makes so much sense. So yeah, last night was so much fun and you were wearing plaid and what was your impression of last night?

Um, it was just like, it felt like the tiny desk concert. Like if you've ever watched those on NPR, like it was like kind of an eclectic background. You'll see it eventually on the video on our YouTube. But, um, it was just like doing, um, at first it was a little awkward because I felt, I felt awkward because, you know, I'm so used to getting on stage and there being like laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh. I don't treat it the same way that I do a podcast when I'm like performing. I'm not usually sitting down, not usually talking to someone. And so I was a little bit like out of my element, especially the first part of the show where I just monologize it's like what do i even yeah i don't usually have a plan and last night i was

like what's my plan and i just couldn't come up with one um and i had some loose plans and then they all went out the goddamn window um but it and my parents were both there and i usually feel like i don't know the first part of the show like you're the only one who's ever there and you're just you're usually in arizona on my screen and i never feel uncomfortable talking to myself in front of you um but luigi you gotta stop licking it's so annoying um so but uh last night it was like my parents sitting there staring at me um like my ex uh like friends ex like friends my parents friends who were like being supportive just besties who

are wishing me the best but it was like it just felt a little awkward at first and then within I think a minute I just eased into it and found the rhythm that I wanted and then Andrew came out and it was just super comfortable he was a little nervous at first too and then he got into the vibe you know like at first it's just it's awkward it's different and then you just feel

you feel the love from the audience and then you just are kind of like okay everyone's supportive everyone wants good energy yeah i mean i never i am never on stage i like to stay in the background but everyone who came in uh was just like hey noah oh my god hi hi you know like everyone was so sweet that it made me feel so comfortable yes i'm like okay you know everyone here is for us so if i make a mistake or anything you know like they're gonna be totally supportive they're friends like coming out to see you and support you and that that almost makes it like a little bit more intimidating to me sometimes because with strangers i can like fail and I know that there's not going to be they're not going to like feel something extra whereas like when you watch your friend fail

there's a little bit of like just there's a like a you pity them a little bit like I didn't want any of that but like when you watch someone that you go to see as like a fan which people you know besties are fans you could say but mostly they're friends and um so I felt a little bit of that but it was so supportive and that you know what um fame in Australia is kind of like the way we have besties I didn't know this but I have some friends in Australia who are super famous and like when they get recognized people just go hey Andy like like they're just friends with him and so he never knows

if it's like a friend or someone who's like a huge fan because they have a thing called like tall poppy like not our version of poppy but like you don't they hate the tall poppy which is like

someone who thinks they're better than everyone else because they're famous so they have a way in Australia it's almost like they just don't want anyone being better than them they don't like treat celebrity like we do in America it's just like oh hey Andy like your work you know and um I kind of that's how I felt with the besties last night they're not not that I don't love when a bestie is like shaking and crying and stuff i love that reaction i'm i'm that i do that too but there was just a familiarity to everyone where i looked at them and i i mean so often i say have

we met before because it just feels so familiar so it's really nice yeah and like we were even able to go to some places of like you know not usually during a live show do you go to like kind of not darker places, but like talk about real stuff and not keep it all just like fun, fun, like just joke, joke, joke. It was just conversational, not like, you know, your comedy routine. Yes. Andrew was saying that for him doing the podcast was easier than doing stand up, like more chill.

Yes. Well, there's two other people there to cover the slack. There is no expectation for you to be funny because everyone knows it's not planned. And so anytime you make a joke that's funny, it gets a bigger response than if you were seeing someone with stand-up. Because with stand-up, you go, yeah, I expect to hear some jokes.

People don't really look at stand-up anymore. It's like they're coming up with it off the top of their head. But when you see a live podcast, you're like, well, they were just genuinely quick right then. And I think there's more – Andrew's really good at that. And so he was probably – and Andrew gets really nervous about stand-up, which I don't anymore. So for me, it was like the opposite, where stand-up which I don't anymore so for me it was like the opposite

where stand-up's my comfort zone and then this obviously is comfortable in a room alone but on stage I just feel like like I just go oh what you know why people just are gonna watch me have a conversation with my friends

but the thing is I would do that with my favorite podcast. I wouldn't mind it. And we had some great besties doing Fanthrax and asking questions. It was so much fun. And your mom. My mom was like the Ricky Lake of the crowd. She went around and put the microphone in different people's faces

and did not know what she was doing. She just kept going like, do I ask them Fanthrax? What do I ask them? And I'm like, they ask her questions, Mom. It's all good. But everyone was so sweet. And then afterwards we stayed and took pictures and stuff. And it was just like a cool hang.

I got a lot of texts from people I was working with that I was, they were like, are you okay? You seemed really upset when you left. And I was like, what? I had to ask them like a why did you get that impression like I was in the best mood at the end of it I was really like depressed earlier on in the day and just like not feeling good at all tired um I'd flown in from you know LA yesterday early morning and I didn't get a chance to nap and I went over to my parents house

and I like cried a couple times. And it was just like, and I'm on my period and just, you know, a lot. But then the show put me in the best mood. I was like, I watched how they're skipping. There was a surprise for you. Oh my God, that was the best thing too. I casually mentioned at one point

that I wanted, I like made a joke that during the live show it would be funny if I had a foot masseuse on stage during the show and the people that are like following me around with cameras said um they just made it happen I just made an off-handed comment to Andrew I think and one of them heard and like made it come to fruition there was a masseuse there yeah i had so i had no idea this was happening

and um someone from a crew that we don't know why they were there yeah we don't know why cameras are all over the brought um this masseuse and her name is mandy and she's like here's mandy and i'm like oh hi can i help you and and um the the production uh person goes oh yeah she's she's a masseuse so then i text you and i was like hey nikki mandy's here and then you go who who the hell is mandy you know who mandy is um so then i'm like oh she's the masseuse and then i think like i i can tell it in the text when the light bulb went off when you connected the things, because I just get like a barrage of text. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Yes. Yes. Oh, my God. You were so excited. I was so excited because I just feel like all I want is touch and like massage and like people to like touch me. And like I've really like, my body is breaking down. My canker sores like, I just am always like tired and sore in my feet.

I'm like, I just crave a touch. That's why I went to that fucking face massage place twice in a row. I just wanted someone to touch me and massage is too much for me because it's like you take off all your clothes and it just feels, I've talked about it before, but after I get done with with the massage I just often feel icky and like kind of abandoned

they're just like put on your clothes and get out of here and I feel cold and it's just like I was just like so warm and being touched it's just but when I went to this face place you leave on your clothes and you just like lay back in a chair and it's not as jarring of an experience to go from massage to the world outside um and that's why i like foot massage but i also don't like in la every time i've gone to get a foot massage they're full they're mad at me they like i can tell that they're i always go to like the thai places and i just know that they are tired and overworked and i just like don't yeah i want to go to like corporate

ones that are run in a way where i don't think the people doing them are being abused or taking advantage of so what that leaves me is the face gym at in la or um this woman mandy who we went to for a thing that i'm doing with all the cameras i I had met her before. And yeah, she just rubbed my bunions while I was on stage. Because I'm like, to be honest with you, I'm pissed, Noah. Like the other day I was like, I'm pissed. Because Andrew gives a really good

foot massage. And it's not that much work. He uses his knuckle. He knows exactly where to go. Like he has nailed it for me. Like exactly what I need. And like he can only do it for me, exactly what I need. And he can only do it for two minutes, and then he's like, ugh. And then he has to act like he's disgusted by it. And then it's like, I don't know.

First of all, I offered to pay him, and then he goes, you don't need to pay me. So then I didn't. When someone says you don't need to pay me emphatically after you say, because I go, I'll give you $100 for a 15-minute foot rub. Like, that's how badly I want a foot rub. And that's how good his foot rubs are? Yes, they really are. Like, he does the right amount of pressure, and I can kind of guide him.

Like, I'm not scared to go, no, no, no, stop. Oh, ah, you know, like, right there. This spot right here. Whereas massage therapists, they're like, I was trained for this, so I know your body better than you do. But, like, all I want is for massage after show

like if I had a thing that I could give someone that took minimal effort and took 15 minutes of my time to make the person that's bringing me out on the road who has brought me along on the podcast listen he gives me a lot of things too but if I had a skill that 15, like if I've always offered him foot rubs, like, can I give you one? And he never, he always is like, oh, and like, listen, I know he's not my boyfriend. I know that's not like something I should expect from him. But I just want my friends to want to like offer me foot rubs sometimes, especially my friends that are on the road with me and see me on my feet for three hours a night sometimes. Sometimes five hours a night with meet and greets in these in these boots and yes i'm choosing to wear those boots but like nothing have you ever seen me get excited about something more than someone touching my feet i mean i i

promise you it was as excited as i got when like i matched with a hot guy on raya who just wanted to be friends and start a podcast with me like at first I thought I had a shot and I was like yes like it was like foot massages to me the promise of one especially one from someone that I can like direct and like who gives me good enough pressure down there it's better than matching than getting a text from a guy you like it like it really like fills my soul and like I'm just it makes me sad that someone in my life a best friend in my life has the ability to give me that and literally five minutes not he says he gives me massages all the time it's always from i have to put my foot up when he's in the passenger seat and he and he just goes like this and with his neckline goes and the whole time he's like okay that's enough

and he just why is he making the face though Because he has to pretend it's gross when Andrew is... Andrew brushes his teeth once a day. Andrew has crumbs all over him. He's not grossed out by it, by the way. He doesn't wash his hands. He doesn't care about the grossness. It has to be like this thing of like, I don't like this. Maybe we could do a barter system.

Ask him what he would like in exchange. Because maybe it's not money, but it's like something else. Yeah. I think he would like money and I'll pay him for it. But then he always goes, you don't need to give me money. And then what am I supposed to do with that? Like just still Venmo him? I'm just like, I guess I'm just, I have to admit to myself that I'm sad that I have friends.

And this is not including you because you're not around in my life but I have friends that could like give me the small thing that would make me so if I was had the ability to give my friends something physically that would make them their body feel better I would give it if it took 10 minutes out of my time but it's always like I have to beg and it's just like is it it makes me feel in love to be honest with you i'm like getting a little and that's why like i can't be with a boyfriend who won't do who won't give me foot rubs like if it's like a if it's i understand if i'm just like rub my feet they hurt and it would feel nice it is not you don't do that it's not a it's it's not about it feels good it's like

the one thing in life i want more than anything anything and so few people can give it to me in the way that i can't i like which is like someone i can communicate with properly because i have issues communicating with lmts licensed massage therapists because they always i don't want them to hurt their knuckles because they're you know these tiny women and whatever so i guess i'm just like, why? Why can't, why can't I get offered more foot massages from my friends? But maybe I need to look at what I'm not putting out there that, that what I'm not doing for them.

So maybe we work on a barter system. Let's figure it out. Andrew! Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors.

And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Andrew. Hey, ladies. What's up? Hey. How do you sleep?

Well, Noah's giving me some four eyes. There's six eyes over there, boy, and four tits. It's a lot. And Luigi's penis. Yeah, it's somewhere in here. It's inside me. It's not. Just kidding.

Just kidding. Just kidding. Okay, wait. I got to put the speaker up to it. Just kidding. My mom really had a lot of energy when she recorded that last night. We talked about the live show. What a dream.

Noah said that you liked it more than stand-up. Or felt more comfortable. I love that Noah is like that. Squid games. Threaten you out, bro. I want Noah to keep moving with us. I'm done talking to you, Noah. Yeah. I'm done talking to you noah yeah i'm done you're not i mean i think a mole at least lasts six hours before she spills everything i love talking

about you i can't help it when did you divulge this i didn't say it was better she's also misconstruing my story no i said i phrased it in a way that would get you in trouble. Oh, yeah, get Noah in trouble. Okay, you were more comfortable. Yeah, I just, there's less stakes to me. I felt the opposite. What are the stakes of performing stand-up? Well, they're not even that high anymore either.

You've been doing it forever. I know, but it's just, it's all you. I think any sport that is the individual, and it's just you. I think any sport that is the individual and it's just you, like I would say being a tennis player is scarier than being, you know, an offensive lineman. I guess, yeah.

I mean, I feel like it's, it's not even about sharing it with like the other people that takes, I mean, I guess it is, it's less pressure to me because. Stand up is. Stand up is less pressure because i'm in control i think that having extra people does take away some of the pressure of oh i can't have to fill

all the but i have a plan with stand up and i know how to talk in a way that's like quippy quippy but i don't know how to combine i don't know i don't like to be on stage with silences whereas on a podcast i know that there's times where people are just going to listen and don't like to be on stage with silences. Whereas on a podcast, I know that there's times where people are just going to listen and don't need to be, people aren't expecting to go, ha, ha, ha, every two seconds. But I think that gives you a buffer

to be like, okay, we're doing a podcast. They're not laughing every three seconds. It kind of gives you an excuse. It gives you a scapegoat. As opposed to stand up. I get what you're saying. But for me, when it's a live audience i that's why i expect like you should have it's the setting for which i expect people to be entertained every like they put a lot more effort than they do a

podcast podcast you put headphones in your ears and press play and do the dishes or walk the dog when you get on an outfit and you buy a ticket and you drive to a show and you sit in a seat, that is a higher level of entertainment in which you don't want to watch it. You want to watch a TED Talk on YouTube. People don't pay to go see TED Talks as much as they pay to go see things that keep them.

If you went to Cirque du Soleil and they did a cartwheel every five minutes, you'd be what am I doing like what are we watching here and then in between they just talk about mental health that's what I'm saying that's why they're like you ever get sad backflip I mean I just don't understand and podcasts are an intimate thing like when people listen they're alone they're listening to it in their ear. It almost would be good if we did live podcasts and everyone had on headphones and closed their eyes. Or we dimmed the lights so they all felt like, or we made them do the dishes at their tables.

You know those raves? Or driving. Those raves where it's like a silent rave where they put it in the headphones. Have you ever seen something like that? They tried it with stand-up. Yes. What?

Oh, you never saw this? No. This is unbelievable that they did this. But if your headphone was red or blue, the light on it, two stand-ups are doing stand-up same time on stage. That's fun. They could pick who they want to listen to. So the person on stage, if they're bombing, they're not getting anyone to listen.

Everyone just starts listening to the other oh my god it reminds me of that rory scoville john dore conan where they're both booked at the same time yeah one of the best one of the best things i pull up on youtube whenever we're doing like a youtube viewing like oh have you seen this have you seen this rory scoville and john dore uh did a bit where they pretended conan pretended that the show double booked two comedians and he's like so we're just gonna have them both come out here and so they perform at the same time and you you keep catching it teaches you that you can't multitask because there's no way to follow both of them you cannot

follow us two stand-ups at the same time and um they just choreograph it in a way that like their punchlines hit at the funniest times it's so funny i mean i felt like last night was a perfect like mix of leaning into funny and talking about real shit probably not real shit as much as but we this pod way more than i'm used to on a stage setting. For sure. Way more. It felt. I took some chances. Because my parents were in the crowd. They don't listen to the podcast.

They don't know the vibe. They're probably like, Nikki's being a downer right now. Talking about this stuff. But I knew that the besties knew that it would go to those places. And I'd share something I learned that day. Or some kind of helpful tip to live my, live your life better and stuff like that. But,

um, I, yeah, I, that's, that's the problem for me is that people don't. And that's what I initially said. Like when I listen to a podcast and I hear a live one is coming up,

I always skip that one because the energy is different because the person on stage is usually a comic that I'm listening to and I know that they have it in their bones to take it up a notch and to perform in a way that I'm not used to

on their podcast. And that they have to keep it funnier and for me a podcast is about more like intimacy. Yeah. And so it takes the intimacy out of it. That being said,

it was really, really fun and we'll do it again. It was, I was thinking about after you're done touring and then doing that other show, then maybe doing some more live pods could be fun. Like in between of like- Do you think my life's just gonna stop and open up for live podcasts suddenly?

That's what I'll just be. Andrew and I were fantasizing yeah i mean i'm surprised no i didn't tell you we need a lot more listeners and to be be able to fill out a bigger rooms no that's all you're doing nick that's no i'm just saying like no i get what you're saying i get what you're saying but i would love i would love this podcast like the kind of that's what i wish is that we had – I need more listeners, not because I need them to feel good about myself, but because I would like to just do this only and have it be the only thing I do.

And so for that, we need a bigger audience. Yes. So I was thinking positively, I guess, and lying to myself. But no, but like the idea of like in between when you're gonna start doing another special working on another special yeah we just do some live pods that's all like for a month or two yeah that's just a thought i think so too but the yeah because a lot of people do write us they're like come to boston come to yes um and like i mean a lot of times i'm doing stand-up shows and then the meet and greet with besties

is like can I just get paid to do this can I just do a meet and greet yeah well that is kind of what a pot

you do Q&A for 35 minutes you know we you know I mean and then you're done pretty much

I just want to get paid to go hang out with a bunch of people Heather McMahon does that she like goes on trips with like rich women to like europe yeah i don't know if you want to go to europe or like be stuck with them in a hotel and it's always it would always be people who couldn't afford me that i would actually want

to hang out with but the people that could oh yeah i'd be like i see what you're saying you know yeah yeah i think the type of person that spends their money on a celebrity hanging out with them is not probably the person that i would want to hang out with yes at the price that these people are listed and then you have to the thing is i want to be myself i know that's the problem like i'm really having with you know doing and not even a problem i kind of had a realization in la like tv and movies and you know all the stuff it's just i don't know i'm not trying to be like i only want real stuff but like i kind of do like i just i'm over anything that isn't real. The second I think a TikTok video is staged, I'm out. The second I see like even scripted shows,

I'm just kind of like, it's not real. Like I just, what is that about me? I'm not trying to be like, I'm better than, obviously, you know, theater is not real. And that's like highbrow. I'm not trying to be like highbrow about it. I just want things to be real. And I just want, you know.

Well, you could make scripted things that come off. Like Succession to me. Totally. Comes off. Like I can't watch Mike and Molly or whatever. Where it's like da, da, da, da, da. I could kind of get into Seinfeld. But I'd rather.

Curb Seinfeld. I'm more of a curb guy than Seinfeld because of that reason. It feels more real. Yeah, it feels like a fun. Because they are like improv. Document documentary, like mockumentary. Well, even when they're doing a scene, there's not scripted lines. They're just kind of going, they're flying by the seat of their pants, even though it is, you know, not a real conversation or whatever.

But I also feel like even shooting TV this week, like I just feel like I want people at home to know that like people aren't what they seem on camera like someone like jimmy fallon is that nice all the time and like that enthusiastic and like just such a sweet guy but like just having to go from you know i'm kind of tired and not really feeling good or whatever to like, hey, like having fun. It's just like, just because, you know, and I'm playing a game show. So of course I'm gonna do that.

I'm not gonna sit there and like stare at the floor despondently. You have to like phone it in. But I'm just, I don't wanna, I guess. Here's the thing. You have the perspective of doing something where you get to be authentic and then something where you have to be authentic and then something where you

have to be on and you like being authentic and you know that's cool you're you're realizing what you want to shape your career in the future to be like yeah and go towards things that are there is something too about like doing these uh i guess i could use like adam sandler as an example of like, and he might overdo it to seem more relatable, but he'll go on with like shorts and a t-shirt and he'll just tell a couple stories. You could tell he's like, probably didn't kill himself thinking about like,

I got to entertain. He kind of just brings that realness to those kinds of shows where maybe, you know, maybe it's like having to get done up and like the whole production. I like that. Like that doesn't bother me. That makes me feel good and fun. I guess it's just like, I'm just realizing like in my relationships,

in like my friendships, in, you know, last night before the show, I was feeling really depressed and just like tired and hungry. And like, I did like, i think the cameras following us around expected me before shows to be like oh my god we have a live show tonight live podcast they kept like kind of cutting in and going like how do you feel what's your vibe so like what are you thinking about what are you going to talk about yeah like so tell us like what what what's um what's going to be the vibe of the show tonight like what like they wanted some which i get like people that aren't that don't do what we do

might think that we're, before a show, pumping it up. And the thing is, I would be, but I'd play music that is copyrighted and we can't play. So I can't just sing the wheels on the bus, go round and round. That's not going to jazz me up. We sang a fun song, though. We went off, remember?

But before a show i'm kind of quiet yeah that's why i wanted to do something where cameras followed me around because i wanted to show people what they think being a comedian or being on tv is all about is a lot of just not yeah being on all the time and i think that even on those shows that apparently show the real side of things, if you want to see the real side of a comedian's life, watch Conan's documentary, I Can't Stop or something like that. I feel like I forget the name of it.

But it's so good and it really shows how depressed we can be, especially someone like Conan who you attribute so much enthusiasm and energy to. I just felt like last night, and then you said something last night that bothered me, which was like, you were just like, well. Didn't know what to tell you?

You're like, you kind of said to the people that were telling us to like, hey, talk about the show. You're like, I would be, but I can't because she's not. It's just like, are you that? Before a show, would you be like she's like like i would be but i can't because she's not it's just like are you that would you like before show would you be like yeah show yeah yeah like would you no okay so i felt like you were like she's a fucking downer so like i gotta i never even said that go to what take my words you said you. No, you said you usually fall towards the energy of the other person. Yeah, that's true.

Okay. That's not a bad thing. But I mean, I thought it was a scapegoat for you saying why you were low energy. You're like, well, this one's bringing me down. No, I'm not saying that I would have been like, yeah, my show's going to make great. I'm saying, no, I match people's energy. I constantly do that. It's almost to a fault.

I hate that about myself. But I'm not going to be like, if you're fucking going i'm bleeding i'm sad i'm depressed uh i was just crying for four hours i'm not gonna go hey did you see that not even three minutes you cried three times yes but not four hours that's different how dare i i just want to make i just want to make sure people don't think i'm crying for four hours i mean that's a long time to cry and i literally i cry three separate times for like 30 seconds okay my bad three separate times i'm just correcting no no my point is is is i sometimes think like i'm just saying that like if you're hearing all that and then i go dude but we got a show but take that frown put it upside down

i'm not gonna be like that yeah but i also like i'm not gonna like like i don't know like yeah like i'll fall into like whatever energy i'm getting back like that happens constantly yeah where then i overthink that person's energy and how I should be acting because I don't want to upset them. Yes. That is codependency, I'm sorry to say. I know. I have it too.

I took a quiz. I took the attached quiz last night. Oh, you did? Yeah. Oh, I got to take it too. I'm really into it now. Should we take it right now? Yeah, we could do it in the news.

What do you think i got noah like what kind of attachment style yeah i would say avoidant anxious yeah really like textbook i'm shocked really yes in a romantic relationship yeah i like i think from what i observed and this is not anything negative like my impression was that you would be more avoidant attached, which is when you feel like you get into a relationship because you put you are too intense and you put everything on it and you like go to you and that's what i always do i feel like people sense like i'm like we're in love now let's just like be in love and this is like it when really i don't mean that it's just like let's just have fun yeah and i'm always worried they're gonna break up with me I'm always worried that they're mad at me I feel like

I'm constantly overthinking like there was one I was looking up like you know TikToks about anxious attachment and there's like girl being like you know if they don't they can like leave you and be like I like you so much and then two hours passes and you don't hear from them and you're like did they remember

something I said that made them hate me and now they hate me? And that is not how I feel in my friendships ever and it's not how I feel like, and it's not anxious, I never think they're cheating on me. It's not about that ever. It's about like, did I do something that's gonna make,

if they see something about me are they never gonna like me again and like never forgive me i mean i just want to say the book attached about attachment styles it changed my life just reading and understanding um what you're like in a relationship uh i forget the the term that they use for the behaviors that you use to like kind of ruin your own relationship. It's if you're going to read any book more than the three chapters, I would recommend that one. OK, yeah, I downloaded it last night. All right, let's get to the news and then we'll find I want you to take the attachment quiz. Andrew, I'm going to say Andrew's avoid it.

You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first You heard it here first It's Thursday folks That means it's Thursday I hope you're having all the swells out there You know we are Except for Noah ratting me out It was not ratting

All she said was you were more comfortable doing The live podcast I was speaking positively Were you? Just kidding Luigi just got so scared the live... I know. I know. I'm not upset. I was speaking positively of you. Were you? Just kidding. Just fucking down, yeah. Luigi just got so scared.

Yeah, well, that's your mom's voice. A man in Wyoming who was facing DUI blames his four-year-old son. Says the son was sitting on his lap and was the one driving. Jeremy's official saying. Oh, man.

That kid's going to have anxious attachment. I mean, can you imagine your dad selling you out when he gets pulled into a sheriff? Apparently he put racing gloves on the kid in aviators. That's what the... No, no. That would be cute, though. Pretty damn cute. Yeah, so the... No, no. That would be cute, though. Pretty damn cute. Yeah, so the father got pulled over.

He was getting in an argument with a woman. Where is this? Is this a small town? Okay, so maybe it's a small town where it's like, yeah, the kids drive on your lap. And he's like, so I was letting my kid drive. I could see it being like... Well, there are some states where I think the driving age is 14.

Really? Yeah. I mean, this kid's got 10 years to go. Yeah, that's a good point. I do like that. That was a good point that still doesn't help the story. But he had his other son in the car, too, a 15-year-old. But he didn't blame.

I get it. Like, you blame the four-year-old. The four-year-old's not good. I mean, it'd be funny. Can I guess how old the person was, the dad? I'm guessing if he has a 15-year-old, he was, I'm going to say, 31. It doesn't show his age. It doesn't show.

It was like 39. I think it was 39 in the article. Oh, yeah, he was 39, I believe. Okay. Can I tell you guys a story about getting out of um like a bunch of cops pulling my friends and i over yeah please so i went um i was gonna go hiking with two of my friends who are total like stoners and um like one like to drink a lot and um my friend pulls out a hash pipe and lights it up in the car on the way there all All of a sudden, a police car comes out,

stops us over. It's like highway patrol. And pulls my friends out, starts searching the car, finds our hash, finds our weed. My friend had two bottles of Jack Daniels. One of them was open. And I'm in the back seat.

Were you panicked? Yes. If only you had a four-year-old. I was panicked because I had my dog, Bruno. So then another police car comes. And you know, like. They put little racing gloves on Bruno. We did.

So anyway, so they're searching us and everything. They're like, ma'am, put your hands on the hood of the car. Take your right hand. Put it on your bra and shake your bra out and i'm like okay i'm gonna get my right and left wrong of course i did i used my left hand he's like your right hand ma'am your right hand so anyway so they find all of our stuff um but god they're like just shake your tits yeah yeah this has nothing to do with yeah field sobriety tests but they let us go why i think because they didn't want to have to deal with like if they took us to like the jail or whatever the dog like what would they do with the dog they have to call animal patrol that's why so many homeless people have dogs because to be arrested you have to call animal patrol and stick around and wait for them oh wow yeah

bruno got us out of like something oh wow yeah that's why it's out of like something really bad yeah there's been so many times where i feel like i've been let go because cops or not so many times but like you you probably there's times you have driven past or it's been speeding and the cop is just like i just the paperwork like the hassle of doing this it's like when uh i got stabbed and the cop didn't ask me another question when i said it was the dog i literally did that i said it was the dog that stabbed me well jumped on me and i stabbed myself and he goes all right yeah like he's like i'm not helping you like i'm not filling out this i'm not this isn't my job to investigate he didn't ask what kind of dog it was

nothing also my buddy rusty remember rusty was driving or the other guy was driving and rusty was hammered when he when he left me at the bar you know we played a game called you got left and he threw rusty into the driver's seat and when the cops showed up rusty's like i wasn't driving because the guy threw him in yeah and rusty was so fucked up he goes oh this is all on film by the way black and white it's unbelievable wait you said like the cop cam yeah it's unbelievable rusty has it because they went to like court somehow they got the film and they go the cop goes i don't know what i told this on here i don't think so i'm it's kind of wait tell those i don't get it okay

all right so we used to play a game called you got left which when you're with like two or three of your friends you leave one friend at a bar if it's like 30 miles away from the house this is before uber this is before yeah it's very difficult to get home yeah almost yeah cell phones were out but yeah you didn't even have one yeah when taxis were like a thing and so so mean so they left me i got left at the bar i get called you got left motherfucker figure it out oh yeah then you'd call and say you got left yeah so then i get left i'm asking everyone at the bar i go everyone at the bar i go hey man you think you give me a ride home this guy finally this random dude he's like yeah i could i could drive you home and i was like oh

thanks i had to go like 35 minutes home. We're walking to his car. He goes, hey, man, you mind driving my car? Because I got DUI last night. I swear to God. So he's drunk, so he doesn't want another one is what he's saying? So I'm driving. Be honest, I'm not great.

And I'm driving his car, like 10 and 2 it's an old buick with like i don't even think it has power steering he goes to me he goes hey man you might have a smoke weed i'm like what is going on so i drove his car to my house he gets into and this is all because you got left because i I got left. But you're shitty friends. So my friend Rusty leaves me. So he did it. You know, the game worked. I got home. But Rusty drove home with this guy named Benny King, who was an ex-convict, who was probably

the biggest man. What is your life? The biggest. Like, this guy was in jail for a long time, Benny King. And Benny King was driving like 110 down on 95 going back to Vero. What? About an hour drive. And he sees the cop lights turn on.

They're turning around. He drives far enough where he has a little bit of time to throw Rusty into the. Rusty's like a buck 30. And Benny's huge benny's huge you can see claw marks on the car where rusty was trying because rusty was like out cold apparently and he just wakes up benny king throwing him where did benny go like so benny okay so then benny gets into the passenger seat and he's like do do do do do like i'm just riding this and so so the cop pulls or he pulls up and goes son were you drinking and i don't know rusty right away goes i wasn't

driving and the cop's like ah you're behind the wheel like there's no dog there's no four-year-old it's you yeah and he's like no it was him he was driving and they're like have you been drinking son and i swear to god rusty goes well i had a couple bars at the beer oh my god oh my god it's the funniest thing i've ever seen. And it's black and white so it makes it, it's like a Charlie Chaplin movie with sound. And then the cop arrests, Rusty goes to jail.

Benny King has a warrant out for his arrest. That's why he threw Rusty in. So he still goes to jail. He goes to jail too. They can't prove it. Rusty ends up losing his license for like five months every morning i had to pick him up to go to our real estate job and every morning i'd pick him up he opens the door and i go got left every day every day i go hey remember when you left me remember when you left

me how's that five months of no car i go how's those claw marks on the did he finally prove that he wasn't driving no i just think he took like there's footage on on the thing of him being shoved over no no no no there's not the cop pulled up after that fuck but but you know they like did some kind of plea deal because there's like 50 of them that live in that town jesus so they call a friend whatever but dude it was fucking next story. A couple bars at the beer. Unbelievable. A witch on TikTok shares how to hex your ex's genitals. Your ex's genitals.

Oh my God. And all you need to do is start with a cucumber. Oh no. That is so terrible. So you're looking at the photo yeah i mean that looks like a build your own dildo like other than the saw franchise yeah steampunk this does look like yeah oh my god it's terrifying it has a bunch of nails in it and and just like barbed wire it looks like what like wwf wrestlers would use to fight so that's how you put a spell

on your ex's penis yeah so you cut a slit in it and then you want to you want to write their full name date of birth on a piece of paper you fold it and you put it inside the slit and then you go to town on it with like chili flakes nails uh you know anything that's going to hurt their penis and then apparently they feel the burn on their own dick. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's like a... Just give them herpes. It's so much easier.

Jesus. Save a cucumber. Go out and get it and then call them up and go, hey, want to hook up again? Oh, my God, did I just hit you? I'm so sorry. It's okay. That was me trying to...

I mean, what fruit would you use for a woman? A broadcaster. That's so disturbing i would i've hated some people before i would never want to even i wouldn't want to do that to a vegetable let alone a man i feel like that was like hurt me as a vegan saying that um yeah you're more you would do it to the guy's dick so the cucumber would hurt. We used to have voodoo dolls. That's hilarious. I've been hurt by a pickle that gave me canker sores. It burned my canker.

So bring your dick over here. I write cucumber. I scratch cucumber into his dick. That's a long cock. Yeah. He's probably got a pickle. I wrote cuke. Let's be honest.

No, I would never want to hurt someone. I couldn't do that. I couldn't do that. I mean, it's just, what do you mean? You wouldn't want pain for someone? If a girl even cheated on me, I wouldn't be able to buy a zucchini cut in a vagina and put salt on it.

I think it's kind of a fun thing to do. It seems like something you'd do at a vagina and put salt on it. I think it's kind of a fun thing to do. Yeah. It seems like something you'd do at a sleepover with your girlfriends. Yes. Or something like that. Yes. Do a spell. I've done that before. I remember my friends wanted me to get my period back,

and so they – because I had lost it due to just malnourishment and stress. And last year, my friends – Did you check what the last pants you were wearing? Could it be in there were wearing gonna be in there wait how old were you this was last year at saralina's house in the hamptons you tried to summon i mean i was just like eating mushrooms and dancing to fucking uh uh runaway train never going back. Like I was just having a good time. That's what your period said.

All my friends were like collecting berries and like, you know, a piece of a possum, you know, discharge. It's like, I don't know. They were just going around like gathering like nature, pieces of nature. And then they put it, they made like a little stew and like, then we sat in a circle and we're like summoning fucking stuff. And I was not into it because I just casually mentioned I hadn't had my period.

My friend went off on this whole thing of like, we can get it back. And I'm like, okay, whatever is going to keep you busy for a couple hours. And she went off and was looking for all these ingredients. And, uh, and then when we ate this dinner like every we you know you always have that one friend that's

a little more like wait so she bought food that's supposed to summon your no it was like like we just like did this dumb like moon ceremonies and stuff none of it worked by the way you know what worked? Taking hormone supplements. Yeah. Going to a doctor. Not like making, scribbling our intentions on a piece of paper and looking up at the moon

and drinking a purple potion and holding hands. You sure it wasn't the cucumber on the peach? Or the ketchup on the peach? Yeah, yeah, that was it. We had to... Spray ketchup on a plum. Sacrificing my friend's dog was fun,

but I don't think that's what brought it back. But it was cool, and there was blood, a lot of it. And a lot of fur, which did not remind me of my pussy at all. But, yeah. You you know you have the friend that's a little bit more like new aging than the rest yeah yes and so we were eating this meal before uh we like before we broke bad bread like my friends all made like a dish i didn't do anything but because i don't cook but my friends were making this meal and then my one friend was

like everyone like say what you brought to the table and how it's gonna give nikki her period and i was like i i need to say like no like we're not doing this like i don't want anything i don't want this to be about me like couscous has nothing to do with my puss puss like let's just fucking eat i was getting so uncomfortable with it my friend only meant well and she's very like you know like talk to the mother moon and like you know mercury and retrograde and we're all connected but i and which i'm into that stuff but i when it becomes too much about me and my period and like how i've just start it's pretty much like let's just talk about how nikki like can't take care of herself as a woman it just like became more like i think this is all about you guys and your obsession with your fertility I don't give a

fuck I'm not one kids you all do and you're making this about that and I should have just I didn't get mad about it but that I realized everything's projection like I should have just let it happen and be like listen this is about them not me I don't need to you know a lot of times i just wish that i would get to that point faster menopause yeah just like knowing that when i get mad at people about stuff like i can just go this is their shit not mine like i don't need to confront them and try to make them understand that or or make them feel bad about what they're doing like i they already feel bad that's why they're doing this. And just know that.

Even if they don't know it. Because that's the thing I sometimes tell my friends. It's not about you. That's her shit. And they're like, but she thinks it's about me. It's like, yeah, she'll never. If she knew it was about her, she'd know it. She doesn't have the capability of knowing it.

And the idea of whenever they're like, I'm so worried about your period it's like you just don't want to think about your own problem so then you put it all in your vagina you're worried about your period and the fact that you are getting it and you don't want to get it because you want to be pregnant I mean that's really what it is

women my age are obsessed with their fertility and I get a lot of it projected onto me especially when I wasn't getting my period they're like we're so worried about you it's like i i know you're going through stress right now i'm not i'm actually loving this little break so you have so much blood in you then it doesn't build up oh okay let's take a quick break and we'll come back with our weekly sports moment catch john stewart back in action on the daily show and in your ears with The Daily Show

Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Ah, it's time for my favorite segment of the week. Just kidding. It's the Weekly Sports Moment. Here's Andrew's weekly sports moment. All right. In a recent interview, Joe Buck. We love him. Admits he really called a 1994 Brett Favre winning touchdown while peeing in a bottle.

I don't mind it. Oh, I love it. I love Joe Buck's truth. So I didn't understand the quote very well. The trash can thing was a little confusing. Okay, so yeah, he was saying how he was peeing into a trash can and somebody handed him a bottle. So was it midstream?

Did he have to cut it off? That's what I gathered. I gathered he was peeing in a trash can, and then maybe the game started a little quicker. I don't know. Something happened where he had to move from the trash can to a bottle. Should we call him and get the true story? You're going to have to.

Or next time you guys go to dinner, you'll have to ask him. No, let's call him right now. I've never called him. And if he can just clear this up for us really quickly. He's only working Thursday night football, the World Series. Yeah, he's only always working all the time, no matter what. But if we can get Joe Buck on the phone to confirm what happened with the trash can story. I've never called him.

This is going to probably not go well. Please pick up. Please pick up Please pick up Pick up Joe Joe There's no game I forwarded it Hold on I'm gonna send him a voice memo

Maybe he'll get back to us Before the end of the show Hold on one sec Should I try him? No Oh I love seeing all your Hey Joe It's It's Nikki Glaser I'm on air right now And we're covering a story Should I try them? No. Oh, I love seeing all your names. Hey, Joe.

It's Nikki Glaser. I'm on air right now, and we're covering a story of you peeing in a bottle or a trash can. We're not sure how this all went down. We know it involved both containers. We're wondering if you were peeing in the trash can and then someone handed you a bottle, or if it started with the bottle and then it overflowed and you went over the trash can. If you could clear this up for us, we'd really appreciate it. Just send me back a voice memo.

Give me a call. Love to hear from you. We know that you are not busy and you're just sitting around. Because there's no game on right now. Yeah, there's no game on right now. So please get back to us. It's not like you have anything else to do. Yeah. All right.

Yeah, no, but I love the dedication. Have you ever peed in a bottle? Yeah, driving. Yeah. I mean, it fills up so much faster than you think it's gonna fill up i don't get it you drink a gatorade and then you got three gatorades in you you yeah that's so weird whenever i've had to pee into a container it's or like a cup at the doctor's office um it's so warm too to you know i was gonna make some joke about like pissing and just like peeing in a doctor's office but not for that reason yeah just It's so warm too You know I was gonna make some joke About like Pissing in a Just like peeing

In a doctor's office But not for that reason Yeah just to get Back at him Yeah cause that's how You pay him Cause he's a perv I

It always fills up So fast It's so much more Water than you think It's You gotta pick The right container As a guy

I don't know How it is as a woman I mean I gotta think You can't do You gotta have a big nozzle Because you don't know how it is as a woman. I mean, I got to think you can't do it. You got to have a big nozzle because you don't know where it's coming from. Yeah, like a cup. Yeah, like you got to put your- So you have no idea where your piss comes from?

I mean, I have a slight idea, but like I've said before, it's like a cave wall. Like you just see like water trickling down, but you're like, where's the spot? And then a bat appears. When you piss, does it hit the walls, or does it stream straight through? It depends on the pressure. Okay. So if it's like a trickle,

it does have enough pressure to come out, because it has stuff around it generally, I guess. Got you. Do you feel the same way? I had to write down a cue cue and I wasn't paying attention. When you pee, does it trickle? It depends on the pressure, whether or not it goes down your leg or it comes out the street.

Also, it depends how tight my underwear are. Your underwear? They're off, though. If they were tight on me and I just pull them and just pee really quickly, there's no time for everything to spread. You know what I mean? What? No, I feel like if your underwear tight and everything's up there yeah there's no time for it to spread so then it will trickle out like the

cave wall yes got it got it yep yep yep nope she's right i agree with her i can't wait i said i know what you meant at first i was very confused you had to wait for her to divide well and she said it depends on how tight. And I was like, where's this sentence going? Like, if your pussy's tight. No, no,

no, it has nothing to do with it. Sometimes if you pee after you masturbate or something, your pee can like spray. Yeah. In weird ways. Because I think the cum can dry and create like a blockage. And then it'll go. It's like when you hold the end of a hose.

Yes. Yeah. It's kind of like that. That was a great sports moment. We learned a lot about sports. Let's get to Fanthrax, shall we? Fanthrax! Everybody get your fucking tits out. It's Fanthrax time.

Put your cock in your own ass. Oh my God. Oh my God. All right. Oh, Luigi likes you, Noah. I love him. He's warmed up to you. All right, this first one is from?

Okay, this first one is from Ariel. Sorry, Luigi. I don't want to hit you with my computer. Oh my God, this is such a process. Okay. Okay. Hey hey so sorry I'm Hi I'm my sister's vacuuming so I just wanted to do this really quickly But I was just watching you on YouTube

And you guys should have named this podcast The nicest legs podcast Ooh Ooh Ooh We got the nicest legs Aww yeah i love you guys oh my god that's so nice ariel thank you um yeah i got my dad's legs they're hot everyone knows it your dad has hot legs no hair on his legs ever yeah well really not much for i think when you get older to like disappear no my dad's

like a pretty hairless guy but he definitely has hair on his legs. And yeah, people always ask me what I do to work out, and I run four miles every two weeks from my genetic disposition. No, I don't. They're just the way I was born. But that's not me being like, I'm not i'm not gonna lie to you and say here's my leg workout i don't have one i just don't and they're great either yeah they're beautiful thanks but a work of art thank you it's the only thing that comes easily to me and it's not me trying

to brag but i don't have a specific workout but i do run four miles every about every two weeks now okay let's get to the next one you're gonna love this okay from brooke oh and i take the stairs not because um of like because i'm trying to work out but because i read something recently that said that you should take the stairs because someday you're not going to be able to and you'll miss all the times you should have taken them yeah because you're gonna get older so that's why i take the stairs okay what's up brooke hey guys so funny story that i had to share with you i'm driving along listening to the pod as i do um and this guy is tailgating me i get over yeah totally um you know he goes around me pretty sure he was about ready to flip me off and like as i like was looking at him and was gonna like you know give a little road rage player i hear the uh

nikki's mom go just kidding busted up laughing and like this guy saw me just like laughing to his face and it made it all better so thank you guys she was listening to the podcast yeah she was driving and listening to the podcast it cut the tension the guy was tailgating behind her and when she was going to flip him off

when he was about to cut her off just kidding oh my god in case someone right now is about to scream at their kids or kick their dog just kidding wait Joe Buck wrote us back but let's finish this voice message from brooke okay not just in that instance but all the time thanks for doing the pod really appreciate the podcast and love you brooke the um serious chats you guys

have i think those are really beneficial for me. I talk so much about the podcast that my friends, I'm like, well, Nikki says. So they know who you are now. That's from me rambling about you. Anyway,

thank you so much again. Love you guys. Thank you, Brooke. Brooke is one of my favorite names. It's so crisp. I love that name. Brooke. Okay, Joe Buck. Brooke is one of my favorite names. It's so crisp. I love that name. Brooke. Okay, Joe Buck. Joe Brooke. Joe Brooke sent us a message back. I should make you buy my book so that you know the real story.

And I make $26. I already bought it. I'll just tell you that I was in Milwaukee where the Green Bay Packers used to play a home game every year and uh the booth was so far away from the bathroom that I was stuck and the half wouldn't end and I made everybody get out of the booth and I was wearing a parka because it was freezing and uh a guy handed me like a little water bottle and I knocked that away because you know at that point aim is everything and then they brought over

a trash can got it had a little bit of stage fright and I like sleepy Joe once I started going while the commercial break ended. Yes. Came back and a touchdown happened and you got to do what you got to do.

Beauties of live TV. There's one more. Oh, and the reason I tell you I had a parka is because once I unzipped it, it was like a long coat. I had my own stall. Nobody could see anything. That's good. Smart. Except for the fans in front of you.

Except for... Dude. I mean, like, why was I aroused during that? I mean, because in a way he said he has a very wide cock. Oh, he did? Well, yeah. He's like, well, the bottle couldn't do the trick because aim is everything. So they had to bring me a full dumpster so I could

throw much. I mean, I think he's talking about his urethra. No, I know. I think he has a hose of a urethra. No, I think a small water bottle. Joe Buck's dick is so big he can only don't give him a water bottle unless it's a fucking nail gene joe buck can only piss in it yeah i guess you i only hear joe buck when he's like

talking like this and it's like more you know like he's on and that was more like joe horizontal joe this was I was like, Joe, fuck. Like it was erotic, right, Noah? Yes. You hear voices and you're just like, mm-mm. Yeah, I feel very sultry. It was like timed and everything is in this tone. Yeah. And then they brought out the parka and my dick is so wide.

Look at you getting jealous of someone who accidentally maybe inferred that they have a big dick. I'm not jealous at all. I hope Joe has a very wide, thick cock. Andrew's going to go buy a fucking watermelon after this and put nails in it. And put Joe Buck's name in the crease.

Put a little piece of paper inside with Joseph Buckwald in it. Oh my god. Okay, well, we gotta get... You're gonna be on the World Series tonight and be like, fuck my dick! My wide watermelon

dick! Fuck! My parka! I'd be like, fuck my dick. My wide watermelon dick. Fuck. My parka. When my parka rubs up against it, it hurts. All right. Two strikes. Oh, yeah. Does he have like a game?

Is there a game tonight? Is that the World Series? Is it game two tonight? It's game three. Game two was last night. I don't know. Okay. Well, shit. Let's get to final? It's game three. Game two was last night. I don't know what they do. Oh, okay.

Well, shit. Let's get to final thought. Oh, fuck. All right. Let me play this final voicemail from Sarah for you. Okay, Sarah. Nikki. Hi, Nikki, Andrew, and Noah.

My name is Sarah. I'm from Philadelphia. I am a tree. Hi, Sarah. The reason I am sending you guys a voice recording today is because it's currently Sunday, Sarah. Aw. We're not going to do it on Sunday. Sorry. Oh, my God, Sarah. literally my podcast app and went to nikki glazer pod and scrolled and scrolled and scrolled but every single one was played so i don't have anything like god sarah but my main reason to send in a recording was nikki last night in my dream it was you and me and like a bunch of

other people i guess but every other sentence was just kidding So just wanted to say that, you know, you guys are in all the besties' hearts and our dreams. And jack-o'-lanterns. Oh, my God. You know what? That was not my favorite voicemail. Just kidding. It was. That was great.

I love how she said it. Just kidding. I love when people have dreams that I'm in because I just feel like that means I'm doing something right. Then we really are friends. That's so cool. I love you so much, Brooke, Sarah, and who was our first?

Ariel. Job. And Job Buck for calling into the show, Job Fuck. So nice. And I love that people are loving, just kidding. I mean, it really is a thing my mom says all the time after she says anything. And I think she must have had a drink last night or something. Because she even said to me, she goes, I think you think I'm drunk.

And I think maybe she was just in a good mood because they didn't have booze last night. She gets nervous when, you know, she had to, you know, sing or like the question thing. But when she gets nervous and like. She's so funny. She's her best. She really is. She's like, I asked. Wait, what did she say?

She handles stress with grace. Yeah, she does. She's getting so much more confident, too. When I asked her to do the podcast the day that you weren't able to, when you were in Charleston, usually when I call her up to do something, it's like, they don't want me to do that. What am I going to do?

What am I going to say? Well, what are you going to ask me? Nick, I'm not going to be good. And this time i was like i was on a run and i was trying to get it all figured out and i just called my mom i'm like hey mom uh can you do the podcast more and she goes yeah that's fun and i was like what like i almost called her on a run so i could be like i can't talk bye and she was just so fast like yes now she's like confident oh now she talks shit to me every time I see her. Really? She'll go, oh, who's taking your spot?

Who's taking your spot? I go, just kidding. She goes, not kidding. Who got left? I will. Who got left? Thank you guys so much for listening to the podcast this week. We will be back next week.

We always are. Sorry we won't be there on Sunday, Sarah. But we'll be thinking about you. And there's always other podcasts out there. But just go back and listen to another one of these an old one and i'm constantly appearing on podcasts i actually just appeared on my aim by alex by alex be alex podcast um uh forget the name of it but my aim a m a y m if you search on podcasts, getting a lot of good feedback about that one. It was a really fun show and a lot of new fans.

I felt like I really brought this, you know, Nikki Glaser podcast energy to that. So if you're up for something to listen to and you missed us this weekend, you can go check that out. You can always check out Puddles with Andrew Collin. That's his podcast. And we're on YouTube now with this podcast. Yeah, and you can watch us.

Subscribe and tell us. And write nice comments. And everyone out there, if you love the pod, tell five people over the next two weeks. Let the word know because we will come and do a live show in a few months and Nikki can quit everything else. Yeah, I mean, like, I don't know. It's just, like, if you know that something in your,

like, brings you joy and you, like, it's not like a thing that only you would like. Like, if this actually has improved your life or made you feel less lonely, like, give the gift to someone else. And I'm not asking for that for selfish reasons. I really am not, like. I am.

If there's anything in your life that you enjoy and you can give to people, like, if you're able to give, like, really good foot massages and there's someone in your life who like their joy is totally based on whether or not someone touches their foot. My hands are starting to quiver. Right. Well I'm just saying if you have the ability to give someone

joy and you withhold it that's weird. So just give and give and give and do something nice for someone today if it's recommending our pod, if it's giving you a dollar to the homeless person, if it's just not flicking someone off when they cut you off or tailgate you,

just kidding. But seriously, we love you so much. And I'm not. So, don't be care. Just kidding. I can't believe I had done that one yet.

Just kidding. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.