The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #13 Duck Heads

Episode Date: April 13, 2021

Nikki is facing an ending for a project in a way she hasn't experienced yet. She is appreciative of Andrew's ideas to help her role play a drill sergeant. Andrew stays up late which might explain why gets confused about duck anatomy in the You Heard It Here First segment. Nikki loves what William Shatner said on his 90th birthday but doesn't care about Grimes' new tattoo. They Finish Each Other's sentence without opening up Pandora's box and in the Final Thought Andrew regrets having confidence about ducks and they all... Steve Irlose. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Yeah, here I am. Noah, thank you so much.

Besties, thank you so much for listening. If this is your first show to listen to, welcome to it. It's the Nikki Glaser podcast. You're now a bestie. I'm in a pretty damn good mood. I missed you all this weekend. Noah, I missed you as well. Thank you. I missed you. I want to do this every day. Glad we don't. We all need a break, but I do miss doing it. It's good to be back this week. It's like, uh, listen, I'm a little bit, my, the show that I'm working on here on location in the Cayman Islands is coming to an end this week. I believe Thursday is our last day of shooting. And I'm deciding to stay a couple extra days after that just to enjoy the Caymans without having to get hair and makeup. And even though I like working more than not working, the show has been a complete blast. I love being on set. I love pretty much every scene I shoot. I've never been this happy in a job in my life. And it's coming to an end.

And I'm very, very sad. I'm not good with endings. I'm not good with goodbyes. I used to have a therapist who told me that in order for me to stop seeing her, I would have to have three sessions in which we said goodbye because I wasn't good at goodbyes. But it turns out she's not wrong, but she also just wanted three sessions to talk me into staying with her. But I really just shut down before goodbyes. I tend to start either, you know you know causing I don't do this I think maybe I have in my past but like finding detaching from it and being not as sentimental and not leaning into like I'm gonna miss everyone I'm like not feeling it just being like yeah it just has to end but like it's fine just cold kind of cold you know because if i let the feeling in of how sad i am that this thing that you know i'll see the people again in

different situations i'll have other jobs that are just as fulfilling and fun and tropical locations i hope this experience will never happen again the other shows that i've been on in the past that i've had all ended pretty abruptly like they were just canceled and it felt like you know a magician pulling a tablecloth out from under me and i was like a little vase of flowers and i tumbled a little bit but i was still standing up at the end of it. And it was just like, oh, no more tablecloth. And it was like, okay, well that's over. It's like a death almost like a, uh, it, for me, that's almost better than a long, like farewell. You have this many, you have four days to live type of thing that I feel like on this show. But what I'm trying to do is just be present. But at the same time, being present is not like being in denial that it's ending.

Like I keep saying to people like, we only have this much left. And they're like, let's just enjoy the moment instead of thinking about how much we're going to be sad. And it's like, well, that for me is the moment moment like I'm feeling sad right now and so I want to talk about that um and process it but it's just goodbyes are hard and I don't and I I was talking to my friend last night who's on the show and he's like I don't like I like to like get out without I like to kind of Irish exit like these these shows because he tends to work on these shows a lot and he was saying I tend to he was like I like might cry if I like hug people goodbye and I'm like I know like that's nice and I I get it like sometimes you cry and you're like oh I'm like

like it's embarrassing when tears come out I cried the other day and I didn't know it was going to happen. It felt great because usually I feel like tears I've used as a means to get people to give me comfort when I need it, to signal to my parents, I need you to feel sorry for me. I need pity. I need sympathy. I need gent gentleness. And I, it didn't work. A lot of times it was just like, what are you now? This is ridiculous. You're throwing yourself on the floor, screaming, crying. Or when I start crying, I just feel like it's just to get attention. Cause maybe I used it in the past like that. So now when I cry, I like, I feel like I'm trying to get attention, even if it doesn't happen. I cried the other day, someone said something to me that I just took the wrong way. And it like instantly caused tears.

And the person was joking, but it just like hit this like nerve. And, and I couldn't help it. Like, it was like involuntary. And I have not cried involuntarily. I can't even remember the last time. Like, it's always a thing where I'm like, let yourself feel this. Let's go there. It's okay to cry. Like it's always a thing where I'm like, let yourself feel this. Let's go there. It's okay to cry. I give myself permission. And then I squeeze out a tear.

Like I literally like squeeze a tear out of my cold, dry eye. But this was like, and like hiding my face. Cause I was like, I'm fine. And like trying to like change the subject. And something about that felt good.

Cause it felt like, okay, good. It's not my fault that I'm crying. Whereas I always feel like things are my fault or that I'm like conjuring them even though there's no free will and you don't have any power over anything and you're not choosing anything there's something about when you cry I just always feel guilty if I'm doing something to get something else even even if it is just love or sympathy. I don't I just I'd rather just be like, hey, well, can you hug me right now? Or can I cry right now than to cry and have and make someone I don't know. Does this make any sense to you, Noah?

Would you ask for that, though, of someone or is it something that you kind of don't ask for well I think it's like when I need to cry and there's something that's really upsetting me I will say like I will just go I and I think I'm gonna cry and I think I just need to and then like I start talking and then I can really get it out but like for instance the other day when I started crying I didn't want to and then the person said it's okay like you were hurt by what I said accidentally like I didn't mean to hurt you but that's okay that you're feeling that way and then like I just kept all these things kept coming into my brain that made me want to cry more because I was like the thing that was said was so it was an ingest it was like a guy

teasing me but it was like the my biggest fear ever was what he said to me like the thing he said was like my truly deepest darkest fear and he like confirmed it but he was being very sarcastic and very and I was just like and then I just let in all the things that in my past that have kind of made me believe that about myself. And I just didn't stop them. And then I just got to like sob and it was fine. And he like, let me sob in front of him. And, and I felt, it felt good, but I just, it felt good. I don't know. I just, I really struggle with it. It just feels masturbatory. It's crying.

It just feels like, oh, does someone feel bad for themselves? Your life is so hard. You little, you know, privileged, oh, semi-celebrity who, you know, someone the other day was like, you're going to head back to life and life is going to be so different for you when you go back to St. Louis. You're here on the show. Everyone's taking care of your every need. Everyone is like, is Nikki happy? They're waiting on you hand and foot and you're going to go back to, and I was like, I don't feel like, that makes me sad that people think that that's how I view this experience. Yeah.

And cause this was someone who doesn't, I don't think, think of me that way. I, I really struggle with whether I think I'm better than I am. And I, and I, I'm like this person that needs to be taken down a couple notches because God,

you think you're so cool. You're always name dropping. You're always talking about all your accomplishments. You're such a bragger or, and then I have on the other side, people always telling me you have such low self-esteem. You don't know how great you are. And like, so the second I feel good about myself and I feel I have the self-esteem that I'm constantly being told I don't have, then I have people being like, oh, we get it. You're such a star. Everyone dotes on you ever. You don't get to have to lift a finger. Nikki needs this. Everyone quick run and get it. So such a star everyone dotes on you ever you don't get have to lift a finger Nikki needs this everyone quick run and get it so it's like which one do I do you know like should

and then when I shit on myself and self-deprecate so that people don't think that I think I'm better than anyone because I truly don't think I am I'm told you have such bad self-esteem that's a bad example for women you need to feel better about yourself. You know you deserve so much better. You need to surround yourself with better people. You deserve like, which is it? And I think this, this isn't just me. I think this is every woman is told you can't think you're too pretty. If you have too much self-esteem, you're a fucking bitch who thinks she's pretty mean girl style. Oh, so you think you're pretty because you said thank you to when I said you're really pretty, you know, that like line and you're really pretty. And she's like, thank you. And she goes, so you agree. You think you're really pretty. And it's like,

where, where do we just get to like ourselves? And it's not too much and it's not, not enough. And guess what? There's no, someone will always give you shit for either of them. And it's not fair. So I've just started calling that out. You know, when people say you have low self-esteem, you don't, you deserve better. You don't know what kind of, uh, you know, in terms of like men or something like you deserve, you could get anyone you want. I go, no, I I couldn't i'm not being delusional and thinking I can't get anyone I want and by the way The people I go for are not me lowering myself. I want those people i'm not like well I can't have that person i'm gonna go for this person I think some of my friends think like I just take whatever I can get. Are you kidding me?

I'm picky as fuck And it just so happens that sometimes those people aren't perfect, but guess what? Neither is your husband. Like, do you, is anyone have a perfect partner? So shut the fuck up. I mean, that's me too. I, I, I tell my friends all the time, their partners aren't good enough for them. And then I'm like, actually, yeah, it's just, there's just no, I'm, I'm just trying to like myself but not have an inflated sense of self and that's a hard thing to

to manage and guess what I'd rather have an inflated sense of self than to feel the way I used to feel about myself which is hate my body hate my face hate the fact that I'm aging

hate my little crooked tooth in the front hate my skin texture hate my boobs, hate the fact that I'm aging, hate my little crooked tooth in the front, hate my skin texture, hate my boobs, like, you know, 80% of the month, except that 20% when they're really popping off, you know, cause I'm ovulating hate. Like it's so boring to hate yourself. And I'm, I'm, my body is in good shape right now. So I don't mean to say that like, it's so easy to love your body cause it ain't, it ain't. But I do feel like I'm in a place of acceptance over my body. I can say today that if I gained some weight, I really think that I could be like, that's the way I'm supposed to be right now. And that's okay.

It might change because it will. I'm not going to stay this way. But for today, I can accept it. And it could change tomorrow. So whatever you're feeling about your body today, girls, I know you hate that one thing about yourself. Oh, I can't get in a swimsuit. Swimsuit season's coming up.

What am I going to do? What I said again on the podcast last week, someone quoted it on Twitter. It made me feel so good. You are not to blame for your body. You did not choose. if you could snap your finger You would make that cellulite on your thigh go away. So it's not like you're choosing to have the cellulite there Well, you shouldn't have eaten that bag of smart pop last night

You ate the whole damn thing and then you opened another thing of cookies Do you think you chose to do that? Do you think you wanted that smart pop to make your love handle? Stick out so you feel bad in a swimsuit. No, you didn't. You want what's best for yourself. So you had some fucking smart pop. Forgive yourself. Everyone forgive themselves today for however you look or feel. I don't know how I came around to this and I don't know why this is turning into a self-help podcast, but honestly, it's just because I need it today. Just give yourself what you need. Yeah, just let's all just be nice to ourselves. I know it's just because I need it today. Just give yourself what you need. Yeah, let's all just be nice to ourselves.

I know it's easier said than done, but I'm going to try to be nice to myself and a thing that's harder for me than anything, be nice to Andrew Collin because I can be mean to him sometime. I've heard the feedback on the podcast. Let's see how I do today. Let's get him in here.

Andrew! Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast.

Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents

and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All righty, Andrew. I just got done talking about being nicer to myself and also that extends to being nicer to you.

So I'm going to be really nice to you today. But like also find a balance. I've been nice to you recently. I mean, I think you just answered that. I, do I have a say in this no no I do I do feel like you've been very kind to me and I think I've been

heard my only concern sometimes is when I tell you things you think like I'm like you said the other day like oh you're building up these like a case for me like over the week. Yeah. But I'm not.

I'm really not. Like, I'm not trying to. No, I don't think you're building a case. No. And I just don't want you to, like, sometimes I'm worried that I'll voice something and then it'll be, like, it'll be taken in. But then you'll resent the fact, like, later on that i brought it up that could happen but you know i'm not perfect and neither are you no i'm far from it i am far from it i mess up a lot uh i slept good um what did i do what no actually i didn't i didn't go to bed till about 2 30

last night yeah i mean last night I left you here. Yesterday, was yesterday a day off? No, we worked all day yesterday. I can't even keep track. Yesterday was such a fun day of work, Jesus Christ. For me, at least. No, it was fun for me, too. I thought so.

I thought we had a lot of good laughs. I feel like Judd Apatow a little bit sometimes. That's what it felt like yesterday. Well, we watched Trainwreck the other day, which I learned how Judd Apatow a little bit sometimes. That's what it felt like yesterday. It was like, well, we watched Trainwreck the other day, which I learned how Judd Apatow worked when I was on that movie. And it's like he had a little speaker. So in Trainwreck, I'm in the scene where we're at Amy's sister's baby shower. And we're in this living room and a group of people talking

about how much Amy needs to get married and have babies. And we're like these, these women just being like, Oh my God, children changed my life. And Judd Apatow, we, we had the script that we did, but then he had a little speaker and usually I think he's in the room, but in that case he was like out in like a different section. Cause the house was so small for all their equipment. He had a little speaker where he could give us line reads and like pitch us lines to say. And that's kind of like the way it is on set is I like go off of a loose script.

And then Andrew and a couple other guys are off camera, just shouting fun lines for me to say. And it's kind of open to everyone. I try to open it up to everyone to like contribute jokes, but it was just so fun yesterday. I was playing like a drill sergeant. You'll see it during the show, but I was getting to do a character of a drill sergeant and just screaming at these men.

I love seeing that side of you because you tend to stick to – you don't get too silly, and you really leaned into the silliness. Well, I got to be a character because I was dressed as a character. Another scene I did a therapist, and I wore some glasses and if I just put on a costume I can get into character so much better. Yesterday was the first day that I was like I would kill it on SNL. Straight up. I would fucking kill it.

You're insanely talented. I always wanted to do SNL but I was like oh god I'd be kind of embarrassed doing characters. It just felt so natural yesterday. It was so fun and something I've never done before but I would really kind of embarrassed doing characters. And it just felt so natural yesterday. It was so fun and something I've never done before, but I would really have a blast doing it because when you dress the role, you really can act a totally different way.

Like it does speak to the fact that when women put on makeup and like do their hair, it's not just so that they can like attract men or like get people to like them more. That's part of it. Obviously, some women will deny that, but it's definitely a part of it. Even if you claim it's for myself.

Well, the culture, it's for yourself because inherently you know that it attracts men and people like you more, but whatever. Yeah, it's like when I put a tuxedo on, I feel like I could have sex with the fourth hottest bridesmaid. Yes. I'm not going to shoot for the best woman or whatever.

You're going for the second hottest at least. I don't know. You know, it depends how nice the tux is. This girl has a lot of friends. Four seems like a lot. But anyway, just dressing the part. Do you get turned on by a guy in a tux? Oh, yeah.

It's such a good look. It's such a good look. Why don't we wear them more often? It's like Thanksgiving dinner dinner you only do it once a year because i think it would take away the specialness of it and it is such a pain in the ass to wear and yeah it's a good it's a good look and i think the yeah the rarity of it makes it it is funny when you dress like a piece of shit all the time and then the one time you put a tie on and people are like whoa like how shitty do i look in my normal life that when i get dressed up once people are like blown away yes i mean really really shitty uh no i feel the same way when i put on like a dress sometimes people are like whoa hey look at you and i go no this is literally all my clothes this is laundry

day this is like bottom of the barrel for me i look like i'm this is a special occasion but the occasion is i don't have any more shorts yeah to wear they're like wow gym shorts are used up look at you with legs it's like yeah i've had legs this whole time yes yes i was telling someone the other day i was like you know we live together but we live usually like in new york or st louis i've seen you in more sun dresses and i was telling luna and i was like i see i've never seen her with this much skin like i've seen so much of your skin yeah you're like you've seen me i could be naked in front of you at this point i think we reached that point the other day where i was like i because no i'm like changing in front of you at this point. I think we reached that point the other day where I was like, I, cause Noah, I'm like changing in front of people all the time. I don't care about being naked.

I really don't have a problem with like people seeing me topless on set. Like I'll change. And it's, it's more like the people around me that are like, ah, and I don't want to make anyone awkward. So I always do go in the other room, but because I,

you know, it's not just your choice as the naked person. Yeah. I go in the other room to, like, tweak my nipples, and then I come back in and take my shirt off. No, I'm not Andrew Collin before I get in the pool. Or to shower by myself. Or in the shower by yourself or in bed by yourself.

Nipples got to be hard. It makes the tits look so much better. I always said if I had tiny nipples, I would look so jacked. Yeah, why don't just get nipple surgery? I might. Wait, what? But I could at nipples. I would look so jacked. Yeah. Why don't just get nipple surgery? I might. Wait, wait. But I could at this point. I feel like I could get naked in front of you.

And it's like the way that I've grown with you in terms of like, because I tried to have good boundaries about that stuff, like throughout our friendship in terms of like, because I'm still like a hot chick and men aren't like, you can't turn off that part of your brain. I mean, I guess you can. Like if you had a sister, you don't have a sister, but if you would like a. She died in my mom's womb.

Well. Not to bring it down, but she did. Okay. Well, if that sister would have survived your mom's. She probably would have had good tits. Womb. Yeah. And you like had a hot sister.

Because some people have hot sisters. Is there a time? I used to have a joke of it where a guy told me he's friend zoning me and he's like you just remind me my sister and i'm like is it the time on spring break when your sister took off her shirt and she had like a swimsuit on you didn't know it was her at first and you were like whoa that girl's hot oh shit that's my sister was it like that two seconds and he's like no like it was more when she was eating spaghetti with her hands yeah that's funny i'll use that but that's like do you know mean? Like, I never want to be that sister for you.

Because I know we have like a sister brother vibe. And like, I never want you like to like make blood flow to your penis like accidentally because it's like a naked woman, you know? I'm like a gynecologist looking at someone like a doctor looking at a body that could also be like, wow, that's a nice specimen. But I'm also looking at it scientifically. Thank you. Like, I look at, like, and, but I mean, I also can tell,

I mean, I don't want to, like, tell, but I let you know when I, when, like, I know you don't love this, but when you, when, whatever, you're well put together, you look great, I want to let you know, just like I would let my sister know that she looks great and I want to fuck her. Yeah, and then I close it out with a fart. Yeah, yeah. I know whenever you don't spread your cheeks,

there's two different Nikki farts. There's one where she grabs her cheek and doesn't let the sound out. In front of you, I only make it silent. different nikki farts there's one where she grabs her cheek and doesn't let the sound out i i only grab in front of you i only grab my like make it silent if you're like on instagram live or right now when we were recording but like now with you i never would hold in a fart it's like that if anything you put your cheeks tighter together i when we when i didn't fart in front of you back in the day i wasn't like doing like the side ones i would just save it till i went to the bathroom or like went to my room.

But now if they're coming out, they're coming out. The only reason I would make it silent around you now is if you were on Instagram live or we were recording our podcast. I love that about you. But let me just say before we get to the news that last night I will say I predicted you staying up all night because I was socializing in the building. I went up two flights to go hang out in Dan's room with a couple people and uh we it would have been such a fun hang but you stayed down here i came back in to go get like

i made a snack last night i came back in to make a snack i walk in the tv is on andrew's on the couch in the dark soccer is on on mute and and andrew is listening to john mayer slow dancing in a burning room on his phone by himself in the dark at like this was probably at 11 30 at night yeah what's going on with you nothing not honestly i've had moments where i've been listening to music when i'm very sad and like introspective and whatever last night it just john mayer came up on tiktok he's on tiktok now and uh that burning room song he he duetted it so i tried to duet it with it like funny but it doesn't come out whatever i just stumbled into and i was like god i really like the song and then i put it on i was like wow john mayer is fucking great and then i kind of went on a john mayer little kick yeah but

i have no that john mayer that's funny that you didn't know he was so great. And that song, Slow Dancing in a Burning Room, he wrote it, I think, about Jennifer Aniston. That's why I like it even more. But you bring that up. And I had a moment when I got, and this is why we're friends. I got that AIDS test when I was still a virgin because, you know, I fingered a girl and I bite my nails.

And this was freshman year. And I took the test and I didn't get the results or i might have just got the results and i went back to my dorm room and i was listening to cat stevens which is like i listen to the wind to the wind of my soul which so my roommate came in my roommate comes into my door god really, he comes into my dorm. He comes into my dorm and he thinks I have AIDS because I'm listening to such sad music. You just listening to that song. It was more Father and Son, I think it's called.

I bet it was. Let's get to the news, Andrew. Hey, here it comes. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first yeah you heard it here first ah yes oh boy oh man first of all you heard it here first thank you so much to one of our listeners who sent in oh my god we love this much. Someone sent a clip from Veep in which Mike McClintock, who I believe is more like Andrew than he probably would ever want to admit, but he definitely does admit that it's.

Oh, I'd love to be Mike. He has a great job. Yes, that's true. He's an actor. They sent. Yeah, he's a great actor. No, not the character. i'm talking about the character mike mcclintock in uh veep he is uh doing a blog he does a blog called uh mike mcclintock

it's after he's been fired from selena's uh you know campaign but mike mcclintock is literally like one of our favorite characters of all time. He is played by Matt Walsh. Matt Walsh. Thank you. He's played by Matt Walsh, the amazing comedic actor. But he's one of my favorite characters of all time. And let's take that delay out. Yes, for sure.

So this is the clip from it. Okay. Someone sent it in. This is a clip from Veep. Amanda sent it. Amanda. Thank you so much, Amanda. One of our besties sent in this clip from Veep where it's a clip from Mike McClintock's show,

Mike from McClintock with Mike McClintock. And this is – Well, you heard it here first. He's in his living room doing a blog, a live podcast, and he says, you heard it here first. And it's so funny because that is who you are. I've always said it's who you are and it actually is. Look, hey, look.

Brilliant minds think alike. You know, me and Mike McClay, Andrew Collin talk. Okay, well, let's get into it. Man, I flipped that one. Yeah. McCollins. First of all, I want everyone to i want everyone i thought you were gonna

forget i was gonna i would never forget i was gonna get you so bad if you forgot it i hope everyone's having fun out there for sure even you guys out there and girls um also have all the swells today everyone all of you there um so here we go that was that was a weird that was a good one yeah yeah i'm trying to switch it up and guys out like you okay yeah i'm trying to keep them on their toes and fingers you didn't include non-binary but that's fine go on they and them too um okay a baby in iraq is the first ever you ready for this nikki To be born with three penises. Okay. All right.

I mean, really take that in. I mean, first of all, if a guy... It's like a Medusa's head of penises. Yeah, it's like the two-headed turtle. Yes, but three. I mean, three. I mean, great things come in threes. Just not penises, apparently. They come, all right. All not penises. They come.

All right. All right. He underwent surgery to remove two of the phalluses. He got surgery. Okay. Yeah. The three of them had a rectal tissue, but did not have a urethra. So they had no hole.

Okay. Extra or suit. Two didn't have the urethra. Yes. One did. One was in the right spot. Okay. It'd be funny if the one with a urethra was like on his shoulder.

But okay. Or the one with the urethra was the smallest one. Yeah. It's just like, do we have to? The dad's like, do we have to lose those other two that seem to be about, you know, an inch longer than that one well sir it's the only one with a hole for semen and pee to come out of if you want your son to not you know have sepsis within days of being born but it's so small is there like a way to drill a hole in the other sir that would be a very life-threatening surgery um it'd be much easier just cut off these two huge dicks and leave the small one with the hole that functions

i'd rather kill him you know what honestly let's just let's risk it let's just murder the baby i would take out the baby i mean this one this article is interesting to me because you are a man who is obsessed with i love how open you how you open you are about talking about penises and how you wish you had a different one oh yeah i yeah. I had three. First of all, I would take all three and put them together like a Megatron dick. Like Legos? Oh, great. Like Tetris. Yes.

Extra or supernumerary penises are a rare congenital condition occurring only once every 5 million to 6 million live births, which is wild because you would think like the more dicks, the better in a way. Like, I wonder if we ever had a ton of dicks, you know, ducks have a ton of dicks.

A ton? Ducks, I think have like, like they have a, it's kind of fucked up. They have a dick for, uh, wait,

what is it? They have, oh, they, I think they have multiple dicks because the female duck has multiple vaginas. And one vagina, or a couple of them are for if they get raped. And then the other one is for if they really want to have a baby with the one duck.

Wow. So the duck has a... I'm surprised women haven't come up with rape vaginas with all the raping we've had throughout the history of our species. But then a guy like this guy in Iraq would have grown three dicks. Maybe he's onto something. Right. Okay.

So a duck has a dick that will fake out the other vagina. I could be completely wrong here. I mean, I am definitely positive that 90% of this information is false and And Noah's scrambling to read about ductics. Well, you really let me go for a while. Thank you. I mean, I don't know why I trusted you. I almost wanted you to build your own, dig your own, you know,

fake hole that I was going to be tricked into going into. Like a ductic. I don't think I'm completely wrong. Like a dumb old ductic. I fell into that hole. Noah, can you look this up and we can, maybe at the end of the stories. I don't think I'm completely wrong. Like a dumb old duck dick. I fell into that hole. Noah, can you look this up and maybe at the end of the stories? I just want to ask.

All I'm finding is that ducks have corkscrew-shaped penises. Okay, that is not anything. That's the factoid. Many dicks, Andrew. What the fuck? Wait, how many vaginas does a duck have? Here, let me share.

Okay. Let me share this. We'll learn here. That does a duck have? Andrew, that wasn't here. Let me share. Okay. Let me share this. We'll learn here. That's a duck dick. Ew. Man, I'd rather. Oh, my God. That looks like a worm is wrapped around a dick,

squeezing the life out of it. Like a boa instructor. Yeah, caught a baby calf. Caught a big duck penis and is squeezing it. Like wrapped around like a snake, an anaconda okay um oh i really don't want to look at that anymore i feel do ducks have more than one vagina though do ducks have a secret vagina like a a rape vagina and a regular vagina oh god i mean i think it's probably some animal but duck was maybe not the right one i i don't put it past uh science and biology to have some creature that has multiple vaginas.

There's a reason why it's corkscrew. Stingrays have two, I think. No, dude, stingrays have two vaginas. I don't know. And they got a mouth, too. I know that. It bit me. Andrew, but the thing, I want to ask you a question.

Man, I was way off. Would you rather be two inches three inches taller oh shit or have a half an inch added to your penis three inches taller a half an inch half an inch it was different the other day but i've just made it a half an inch no i'd rather be three inches taller okay an inch added to your hard erect penis one penis single penis or three inches taller to your height is Is it doing anything to the girth? Every guy listening to the podcast, please tell us what you do. And this doesn't count

if you're under. Three inches of height. You gotta be five, nine, or under to answer this question. No, I think. Because three inches will really change a five, nine guy's life. Or so they think. Okay, so three inches of height versus one inch of penis. I would go with Fuck, it's so tough. What about this? Okay, so three inches of height versus one inch of penis. I would go with...

Fuck, it's so tough. What about this? You have a choice. You either lose half an inch of dick or you get three inches shorter. Which one? Oh, oh. Ooh. The time is running out on this segment, Andrew.

Make a choice. Okay, first of all, I'd rather have an inch longer of penis because there's some moves that I really want to do and I know just one more inch I could fucking do them. And I'm already, I'm 5'9", which is not too bad. Okay, you're either going to be 5'6", or have an inch shorter penis. What's it going to be? Half an inch shorter penis. Wow, suddenly that half inch match. I'd rather have a half an inch shorter penis? What's it going to be? Half an inch shorter penis.

Wow, suddenly that happens. I'd rather have a half an inch shorter penis. Then be 5'6. Because if you're 5'6, that eliminates so much pussy for you. You'd think. There's a guy on the show that's 5'3 who gets plenty of puss. Yeah, that's true, too. It's true.

His penis is probably pretty long. I don't know. All right, next story true, too. It's true. And his penis is probably pretty long. I don't know. All right, next story. Next story. William Shatner says, Getting older is terrifying as the world celebrates his 90th birthday. Yeah, William Shatner's 90. I really liked some of these quotes about dying and getting older

because you always think that when you get older, you just accept it and everything's fine. But he had some really tragic quotes that I think are just poignant. Well, this one. Loneliness is endemic to human beings. We are essentially alone. As much as we are with other people, we are alone now.

People who are religious say, well, there's God, and God is with you and is the father figure. And I don't happen to believe that. I envy those who do. I think we die, and our bodies are consumed, and we enter the universe.

Damn. Spoken like a true man who's never seen one episode of Star Trek. Do you know that? It's wild. He's never watched a single episode of Star Trek. I mean, I think he is right. I liked reading this because he was just like, I'm very lonely. What was the headline?

You know what the best part of this he got divorced a year ago yeah at the age of 89 so he's talking about loneliness or whatever but even as an 89 year old man he's like i can i can still do better or like i don't need her or she divorced him you don't know oh yeah god i mean what an idiot yeah that's a good point that was like you realizing like you go oh, oh, I definitely had a... Wait. I've never... Wait.

I don't want to be short of... Dubs definitely have five dicks. I mean, yeah. It's just like... So he got divorced last year. So he's dealing with loneliness. And I do think about that. Like the longer you live, the more people in your life you lose.

I was at a graveyard the other day, like trying to honor the people I've lost in my life that have meant the most to me and I only had five names to write in the sand of like deaths to me that have like really made my life difficult at times that's such a low number and the names none of them were like if you died if Noah died if Anya died if my, if my sister, I have so many people to lose and to suffer through losing them that it seems almost worse to keep living. And then by the end of it, you have no friends left. If you get to be 95, most of your friends, if you're cool and you're like a freshman

who hung out with mostly seniors, they're fucking older than you and they're gone. I know, but by the time, if we're still friends in 95 and i die you're gonna it's gonna be the best two years you're gonna be you don't want to you're gonna be so happy around to the end and that's why you have to keep making friends and make friends with younger people throughout your life to keep you young and just i mean loneliness is my biggest fear there was one more quote he had in this that i liked a lot did you get it no that was the only

one written there but uh no there wasn't there was tons more but that's in this that I liked a lot. Did you get it? No, that was the only one written there. No, there wasn't. There was tons more, but that's fine. Here, here. I'll find it. I try to focus on the beauty of life, which is eggs and the mountains, the horses, love, dogs, tea, and the taste of an orange, which I just had. The sensory and philosophical beauty of life.

The connection that I know that all of life has is something so profoundly moving that I think of it a lot. I mean the taste of an orange to be 90 and be like, wow, the taste of an orange and, and just the idea of like love. Like I, I think that just, I think I'm trying to think like I am in a dilemma right now where it's like

I really want to just like feel like uh I want to I want to live my life in a way that I know it can't last and i'm like I just want to like give into this feeling because even though it's short-lived I just want to like live it at its utmost but i'm also scared because oh, oh my God, if I really give into it, when it goes away, I'm going to be that much sadder. But at the same time, I'm like,

what is a life worth living if you always are just keeping everything muted because you're so scared of getting hurt. You're so scared of the pain on the other side. I feel like I want to just like, I want to, if I have those connections or those like moments to like, oh my God, there's this dog. I don't want to get that dog. those connections or those like moments to like, oh my God, I,

there's this dog. I don't want to get that dog. It only has three months to live. And, and I'll just be sad when it's gone. Like, what? Okay. So I'm just going to like not get that dog and not love something just because it's going to go away. We're all going to go away in the end. So I'm like, I want to kind of live my life. Not so scared of like the hurt that follows it because I can always go to therapy. I always, I have tools to process my emotions and my pains that um it's i don't want to try to mute uh feelings and like the taste of things and like i don't want to eat things that don't taste good i want to taste an orange and like taste it and be like you know what this tastes so fucking good instead of like keeping myself from things or binging on something that binging on a bunch of oranges is not and not really tasting them at all does that make sense yes i just i think like sometimes like you know if we think

about stand-up for instance yeah you don't get too excited after shows because if you get so excited, the comedown of it is going to be even darker. It's like when you love something too much, it's sadder when it's gone. No, I don't not get excited for stand-up shows because I'm scared of that. You do? Oh, I don't know. I'm just thinking about like,

but I'm saying that could transfer over to your life. You don't do that with stand-up, so maybe you condition your brain after 20 years to not get excited about anything because if it goes away you don't want to feel i don't know that makes sense like with conan i try to keep it tempered but that's just more so that i can actually do a good job and not be like i'm about to be conan instead of like i gotta write a joke for conan but like when i'm in it i'm trying to like i should fucking celebrate this this is a major and it won't be forever

because someday I'll be old and not as funny and not as relevant and I won't get to go on Conan yeah it's sad when like you you decide I'm gonna have like first girlfriend whatever or the first boyfriend and you're like you love them with everything in your heart because you've watched so many romantic comedies

and you're like this is it I'm gonna marry this person and then they hurt you and then you get so afraid of ever feeling that pain again that you don't ever go close to the sun yep and i want to lay on the sun i want to freaking hang out in the sun as well i i agree with that i i think my friends last night were like don't like the pain that follows this if you do this thing and I go I've been through it before yeah I've survived it all and it's led to amazing comedy specials I'll take that pain and I'll write a fucking song with it like I will Taylor Swift that pain I don't want to live a life where I never put myself in a position to get hurt because

hurt makes you be able to love later and it makes you be able to create dope-ass podcasts that everyone fucking resonates with. No, wait, no. That's the wrong use of resonate. That dope-ass podcast, dope-ass podcast, which people resonate with.

I hate when people say I resonate with something. It's like you're not resonating with it. It's resonating with you. Okay, next story. And you could always yell at me. Yeah. Fuck you, I can. I mean, fuck you i can i mean fuck yeah i can hell yeah dude and i wouldn't even be upset okay oh wait i was gonna try not to say the f word on

this podcast anymore because i want people to be able to listen into the car with their kids and not be like mommy she said the f word don't worry about that you howard stern's your favorite person on earth and he his stuff can't be played in front of terrestrial radio forever and was able to talk about uh you know really edgy things without using foul language i don't like he said plenty of foul language words that well i'm just gonna be more choosy with it and more cognizant of the fact i was literally watching interviews of him last night actually and he was saying wrong words on like letterman okay a couple was arrested after cops found their four-year-old son unsupervised in a car while they were shopping in a sex store troopers went into the amazing intimate essentials adult store and found the mother of the unattended boy and her partner

who were in the store for 15 minutes it was two women right 25 28 year old women were arrested bail set at five thousand seventy five hundred dollars so they left it in the car for four minutes what 15 minutes 15 minutes and where was this in a sex store i know where what country oh new york okay so it wasn't too hot oh connecticut i apologize it wasn't too hot the kid was alone for 15 minutes my mom used to go into the store to get cigarettes and maybe a scratcher ticket or the grocery store and leave us in the car. That wouldn't take 15 minutes. She was getting cucumbers to-

To fuck herself? Yeah, maybe. I mean, to- Any store can be a sex store. You can put anything in yourself. Not fuck yourself, by the way. We don't say fuck here. We want to-

We don't. We never will say fuck again, you guys. And it's just fucking ridiculous why we even thought that- Especially in regards to your own motherfucking herself. Yeah, that would be disgusting. And we don't want your kids hearing us talking. I already feel bad about this. That was fucking fun, though.

Yeah. Okay, so this was a couple that, and they were arrested. Yeah, you should have been. That is neglect. You shouldn't be, by the way, because you know they're going to bring back in the toys and talk about it.

That means that's a group of, that's a couple who probably has sex and talks about sex a little too openly around their kids. Here's the thing. Your mom knew exactly what kind of cigarette she wanted to buy, so she was in and out in three minutes. Yeah. If you're going to go to a porn store, just know what dildo. Pick it out online before.

Know exactly what shelf it's on. Know that you want those camel unfiltered. Vibrators. Yeah. That look like Jay-Z's penis because Jay-Z looks like a camel. And get me the candy dildos so I can pretend like I'm like mom

and, you know, that little chalk stuff comes out. A starter sex toy? Yeah. Like, oh, candy cigarettes are so delicious. I love them so much. But they did definitely make me feel cool. Like I was smoking

and probably led to me smoking later on. It's all propaganda built by... Well we both have add we started smoking the cigarette and then you take one little bite and then next you know you eat the whole cigarette before you even smoke it yeah oh my god fun dip don't even the the sugar never got eaten it was with one of those big fucking god like one of those big jawbreaker balls you can't imagine your tongue would be bleeding it bled so much andrew i literally i had to have it okay we have one minute to get to why do i care why do i care okay grimes who is uh dating elon musk about anything grimes does has a full back tattoo done with white ink that stuns fans. Let me see this.

It's interesting. It looks like... Oh, no. This is crazy. This looks like Mothman Prophecies poster. Does anyone know that poster? Or when you bang a girl and she scratches your back. You bang her really well.

I mean, this looks like someone who... It looks like one of those spider webs where it's like, this spider was on weed. This spider was on LSD. This spider was on coke. Have you ever seen that? It's like a Rorschach test. Yes. This looks like a spider that was on...

I'm trying to think of... This looks like a spider that was on heroin. It's just completely... this looks like a, this looks like a spider that was on heroin, like design. Like it's just completely, it looks like a, um, ew. Well,

actually it's kind of a cool design. Yeah. You know what? The more I look at it, the more I could kind of ring worm gone awry and someone's skin because it's like a white tattoo, but it just looks like scratches. It's bad as it's,

it's as bad as her baby's name. And that's, uh, I think that's what we learned here is that these people are crazy and and as someone who's crazy elon musk and grimes are both people that are crazy elon's obviously brilliant but he's um he's got personality disorders and should not be um you know what's the word put on this pedestal of like i want to be like him i'd like to hear her and ben affleck talk about their decision what they were going

through right before this love to talk to ben affleck about that back tattoo i mean this is the same kind of thing answers to that that is what i learned from this is that someday my goal as a celebrity entertainer is to interview ben affleck about his back tattoo and then maybe turn it into a little like oh let's talk about this more after the podcast and then I start dating him let's get to our segment finish my sentence this is where Andrew and I take a sentence constructed by Noah and then we try to finish it for each other and then we see who gets it right and it's a fun game you can play with your friends um just to see how well you think you know each. And it's a fun game. You can play with your friends just to see how well you think you know each other.

So it's like the newly co-host game. Noah, what's the sentence that we're going to finish for each other today? All right. The last one was about deepest insecurities. Oh, the last one we did

with deepest insecurities. That's why I get scared with this one. Oh my God. This segment is so scary. It led to our big fight last time. But let's see what it leads to today. Noah, I hope you picked a good one. Okay. The sentence is, so scary it led to our big fight last time but let's see what would it lead to today no i hope you picked a good one okay the sentence is i'm about to make out with my date on the couch but

their breath is kicking i okay so noah can i just ask you a couple questions about this lead-in is this someone you really like because for me breath is like one of the first things i can smell on someone and i would not even make it to the couch with someone whose breath breath was bad but let's just say like you're really into this i'm really into this person i just haven't had a chance to smell their breath until right now yes okay and we had a really fun date and this is someone i could like potentially see myself like being with and andrew this is for andrew's case this is someone he could he like wants to have sex with. Yeah, you're very much attracted to this person. Okay. And you're having

a great time. Okay. Can I go first? Yeah, go ahead. So I'm about to make out with my date. I'm about to make out with my date on the couch for the first time. But their breath is kicking. But their breath is kicking. So I just don't

say anything and just kiss their neck a lot and kind of try to not think about it. And pretty soon I will rely on the fact that I have such a hard on and want to F this girl so much that the breath thing won't bother me and I'll go through with it and just try to avoid kissing this person from now on and maybe bring up the breath thing like when it's time but also never really broach that because it's so awkward but um it wouldn't ultimately it wouldn't affect whether or not I tried to bang that girl on the couch um that night the end I, I think that exact thing has happened. Really? So she nailed, that was very good. I would definitely kiss on the night.

It's like morning sex when you don't get too close to the face. Yeah. Okay, and then for Nikki. Wait, just again. Wait, you're not gonna elaborate? This happened to you? Yeah, well, anytime you have morning sex,

I think it goes both ways. We both have an understanding. Morning sex is different. It's like, I find that morning sex is just everyone has it like giselle has morning breath but like morning breath in the morning for someone i already like it doesn't smell bad whereas bad breath after like just bad breath naturally is like a well now i'm like kind of i'm already giving you too many clues to finish my sentence so i I guess go into mine. I'm about to make out with my date on the couch, but their breath is kicking.

I think, did we eat the same thing? Maybe my breath might smell too. And maybe I'll bring it up to the person in a very nice way where I'll say, hey, does my breath smell? Which will then be like, you know what? I think I should brush my teeth because we ate something bad. And then maybe I'll offer him a toothbrush too without exactly saying that his breath stinks so he doesn't feel bad.

And then I'll slowly unbuckle his pants and start blowing him until he starts choking me. I'm just going to get in here. And then he's choking me so hard. And then... Andrew, what? What's that? Why can't I finish?

First of all, I would never blow someone on a first date. This isn't a first date. Yes, it is. You said, I'm about to make out with my date. It was the first date we established, right, Noah? You're making out with him for the first time. Okay, okay. So I unbuckle his pants, I keep his boxers on,

and I start blowing him on top of his boxers like a corn on the cobcock. No, I do that on like a fifth date. Like I ease into the blowjob. Like you don't just get me to – like you have to earn me putting your mouth on your penis, and I have to like get there in a way that I'm like – and it's not for me to like tempt you. I just want to like see what I'm dealing with through the pants.

And then maybe eventually I'll put my mouth on it if I trust you or not. And then maybe I'll like do it to completion if I trust you, not from there. And then maybe it can go in other places, but like there's a process. But you do believe in the over the pants blowjob. Over the pants blowjob is something I came up with recently. It is a great way to not expose yourself to someone's skin or potential herpes,

although that like, or whatever they might have there on their penis. That's not even why I came up with it, but it is probably a safer way. Not totally foolproof, but you get a sense of what their junk might be. Are you just gnawing on the shaft? Are you throwing the head in?

No, you're gonna just like rub your face on it. You kind of joke about it too. Like, I'm not going to do this yet. I'm not ready to. And it's not to tease. It's not to be a cock tease and to make him have blue balls. It's just to feel it out for yourself

and to be kind of funny and be like, you get some stuff done and it excites them. It doesn't feel bad. Do you ever give them a little bit of heat? Yes. Like you just blow out? Yeah, you breathe into it like you're cleaning your glasses. Not if your breath is kicking.

You put your mouth around it like your glasses frames and you go. You blow on it like you're getting a Nintendo game to work. Yes, yes, exactly. Wait, are you putting the cotton? So the cotton's in your mouth. Yeah, but it's like, you know, you do it like a corn on the cob, like on the side,

but you just kind of just rub your face on it and just be funny. Look, I ate out a girl in college with her jeans still on. I just ate the denim. So I get it. I'm not judging. It's the same thing.

But back to the breath thing. Can I finish? I don't think I was way off on you being nice about it. I would... I'll tell you what I would really do if their breath was kicking and it was not like, and it was like deep

within their soul, kind of like bad smell and it was very repulsive to me. It would make me lose my boner for them a hundred percent. If I was even on the fence, if I'm kissing them on a first date, that means I'm probably not like fully into them yet. And

so it would be something that could like turn me off completely but if it's like a bad taste from like dinner i would go you need to brush your teeth and then come back 100 yeah because if i'm kissing someone i'm already comfortable enough with them because i'm not someone who just kisses someone easily it takes me several nights of being like i want to kiss this person so bad i can't help it it's not like something i just do willy-nilly so at that point i'm comfortable enough with them to be like dude whatever you ate it's like on you and then they brush your teeth and then it's out of the way and it's it's not their fault it's something they ate and as someone who can have bad breath from things i eat i don't take offense to it when people are like like my

makeup artist robin is always like oh my god you need a mint like it's the tofu or something and i'm not offended it's not like me inherently being like a stinky person it's just like i like stinky food sometimes but can i ask if it's a first date and they're at your place per se do you let them use your toothbrush on a first date yeah i'd let i i don't mind sharing toothbrushes i know that's gross and people are going oh nicky but i would just be like, yeah, you can or I'd be like, here's a mouthwash or something. Let's see if that helps. If it doesn't help, I'd be like, I'm sorry that I wouldn't go through with anything.

I just like I wouldn't I maybe wouldn't say like you have halitosis and like your smell is naturally repulsive to be and I don't think I could ever be with you again, but that would be the case and I would kind of like escort them out it's tough but not in a mean way they wouldn't feel they wouldn't know or feel bad about it i'd rather write a rap song about it later on just kidding that's what my ex-boyfriend did to me um i do think like uh you can kind of tell if someone has how what is it halitosis you can't because there have been several people in our social circle that i've like have you ever smelled his breath? And you're like, no. And I'm like, dude, you can smell it from three feet away. It's like, sometimes I just smell a thing. Like someone's smell could be

terrible. Like there's certain people you smell their breath and you go, how did, how was anyone ever going to love them? But I'm saying though, there are people that like, you can tell that they actually work on it and, and they're trying to take steps to correct it. And then people that like you can tell that they actually work on it and and they're trying to take steps to correct it and then people that just lean into and they're you know their breath smells like the way their armpits look like just disgusting everything's disgusting well they i think that people truly don't know how bad they smell let's move into final thought for the show today i think that um the good news is people who have bad breath or halitosis, there are some people that just don't have a sense of smell due to COVID. So that's good news for you guys.

That's lingered for some people. And that's a true thing. I dated a guy who didn't have a sense of smell. And that was interesting. How was that when he would go down on you? Would you be less self-conscious? Honestly, yes. But that was

because i was now i wouldn't care i know that like if i smell bad down there it's because he chose to go down on me knowing i wasn't ready for it so it's not my fault like someone's talking about eating ass last night eating a last night and like why is there a mint for your pussy there should be like little listerine strips that would be like the dissolvable strips you could probably put one in if you're wet enough and it would dissolve but it'd probably give you some kind of like that probably what i think that's called a douche oh yeah yeah or soap i guess but yeah but like maybe just a little listerine pocket back that if you go to the bathroom before a hookup you could just slip in a little strip

though that would dissolve and it would just taste like nothing, you know, like unscented pussy. Yeah, because you don't want to brush your whole, you could throw a mint in your mouth without brushing your whole teeth. You don't want to have to douche your whole puss. You just throw a little mint in there. Right, right, right. Shark tank.

Nikki, have you ever washed with like Dr. Bronner's peppermint soap? Yes. I can't handle it. It's intense. It burns? It's like someone's going down on you. Oh, is that it? It's like pop rocks in your puss.

I need a doctor. And there's a lot of writing on that bottle, and it's just intimidating. Yeah, there's so much writing on that. There's so much. What the fuck? It looks like a Trader Joe's frequent flyer is on one of those things. No, it's the eating ass thing. Someone said last night, like, they don't like it because they're so nervous that there might be stuff down there.

And the thing is, if someone decides to go and do that to you without warning, let's say, in a consensual way, but like a kind of like just a rogue. Heat of the moment. Yeah, a little bit. And you're totally down for it. It is. Don't be nervous about that on yourself. but like a kind of like just a moment yeah a little bit and you're totally down for it it is don't don't be nervous about that on yourself that if they encounter anything that is their fault they know what they're going into much like the joke i did about um having anal sex and i accidentally like there was a little bit of a mess i felt so embarrassed when that happened to me the

first time and my ex-boyfriend handled it so beautifully by saying like listen don't be don't be embarrassed like i knew the drill you play with fire sometimes if you play with fire eventually you're gonna get burned yeah and it's like yeah if you when a guy does something like so many women are scared of shitting or like oh i'm gonna get poop on her his finger or guys are scared of that it's like well she went back there knowing that's where it comes from she's not a fucking idiot so if you get a little poop on her that's that's on her maybe the guy might be into the poop i just i want people to feel less i want myself to feel less insecure like when i'm doing sexual things that i'm like oh my god i might fart or i might um he might see my asshole and i don't even know if i like cleaned it well enough or got the hair it's like well he's putting me in a position that my i'm not

being like look into my asshole and tell me all about it like it's not i'm not it's okay if i'm not like perfect in every little way and like i don't but he can't tell how old you are by the rings on your asshole which not many women know. Oh, shit. Yeah. So if you lie, it's like a tree. Right. And you can see when there's been a lightning storm sometimes or when there was like a- 300 years ago.

Yeah. There was a massive fire. Well, there is a TikTok that's going around like women just realizing that guys see their butthole from doggy style. What? Really? Yeah. Yeah. Guys see butthole all the time style. What? Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Guys see butthole all the time. Yeah. It's like, yeah, we're looking at it. It's great. I mean, look. What do you think about, like, are some buttholes, like, I've never seen, like, I've seen only, like, a couple of my friends' buttholes. Just because I've, like, we've revealed them to each other just to be like, let's see what's

going on. What, have you seen buttholes that have made you go, whoa? There was a butthole i think 2007 i was uh during the day it was like a 3 p.m sex and we did doggy style and she was just like there was a lot of light in the room so i saw a lot of hair yeah there was a decent amount of hair and it was what it is what nowadays i wouldn't be as quite but back then i was a little bit more superficial so you know i and if girls have a lot of a lot of ass then it's harder to see your butthole because you got like a lot of crack and a lot to get through before your butthole is revealed but

someone with like a skinny butt like me like a like no ass like my butthole is like very much like accessible yeah it's protruding if anything yeah it's like an audi great car noah do you shave your butthole i had it lasered yeah how long does that last forever uh a lot i mean i've had to have a couple of treatments but it's pretty good and then i do have to i i mean for personal hygiene i just don't like to keep any hair around it. It is. It's really easy to shave your asshole, and as long as you're doing it and you use a razor, it's the easiest one to do. You kind of go, each side, and then you're done.

But it is interesting that you would think a butthole being covered by hair would actually be a good thing because you don't see the whole butthole. Yeah, but people just... Hair is so repulsive to men. Why? It's so weird. Because of cultural... Yeah. Just like...

But men don't... I can't even think of another word. God damn it. But buttholes... Cultural, you know. You know ducks have 19 buttholes? What? Yeah, dude.

And what are they shaped like? Oh, man. They're all little pasta yeah i feel really i feel almost just as bad about that than when i messed up march madness so if all you duck heads out there that want to come at me i apologize i just want to yeah i just want to close you mallard mavens out there who know all about how the ducks reproductive system, if you were listening to that and screaming at your radio or your iPod, I'm really thinking about old, your CD-ROM cassette player,

and thinking like, what the fuck, Andrew, get it right. We really apologize to you because I really let that go way longer than i should have and in the future i will like get on these kind of like misrepresentations of animal anatomy as quickly as i can i do feel like though people will say the opposite and want you to let me go when i think when i'm very confident because it's hilarious how wrong you were and you were so confident and i actually did trust you that time i'm never going to trust you again but i will not uh stop you from uh you know like a feeling yourself as yeah you're a real uh steve er lose i corkscrewed you but you know what if anyone got my steve or lose joke congratulations

because it was missed by both noah and andrew and even me i'm sorry well it's it's or what you mean steve or yeah but steve or lose or lose oh because he died no you are steve or lose oh not a win you're a lose the opposite i mean it's bad it was bad but people who it, I think the same four people who were like, ducks don't have six dicks, pretty much loved that Steve or Lou's joke. Yeah, I mean, I think we got the name of our show. I'll tell you that. We got to go.

We'll see you tomorrow and all this week on the pod. Make sure you keep sharing it with your friends. Tell people to get in on it. Become a bestie. Write a review for the podcast, which I did on my iTunes. Give us five stars. If you love the show, don't give us four,

like five or nothing. I don't want to hear from you. If you don't give us five, just that's just me like doing bad reviews. We don't, we're not going to read the bad ones. We read the good ones though. We love your support.

And follow us on Nikki Glaser pod, follow Noah and Noah injection on Instagram. Follow Andrew blue check Mark, Andrew T. Colin on Instagram. Follow me, Nikki Glaser. I'm going to announce a tour pretty soon. pod follow noah and noah injection on instagram follow andrew blue check mark andrew t collin on instagram follow me nikki glazer i'm gonna announce a tour pretty soon uh coming up this summer i can't wait to share it with you guys you can come i can see my besties in person i love you so much and we'll see you this week john stewart is back in the host chair at the Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

Join late night legend John Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.