The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #130 Mouse Suppository

Episode Date: November 3, 2021

Between you and Nikki, it would be nice to get higher ratings on Wiki Feet and to run away from goodbyes. Nikki and Andrew dissect the art of crying and what about it makes us feel uncomfortable. You Heard It Here First, the 1st story is sponsored by the Big Shoe Lobby, fun holes come in all sizes, our brains absorb more than we know and the celeb costumes they care about. In Nikki's Reddit Dump, Andrew is wowed by a ghost almost getting hit by a fence and they have a conversation about superficial break ups. Final Thought, Luigi is a Bestie. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am.

It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. It's Tuesday. Welcome to the show. Got a good one for you. I'm feeling it in my bones We were just talking about wiki feet Noah And I I'm reluctant to even pull up

My wiki feet Oh my gosh, I'm gonna look just so that I know I can just tell you right now, I have it up People say I'm a size 10 yeah i am probably that's what they uh estimated shoe size it's really a nine and a half if you're gonna send me shoes let's do a nine slash nine and a half ten is always gonna be too big but it's probably the shoe size i should wear because um my feet though have shaped to a nine because I've made them, my bunions have made my toes curve in to fit a nine. So I don't wear 10.

Now, a lot of uploaded pictures. I have a three-star rating. I would really like to implore my besties to create a WikiFeed account and get my score up if you want to you know what it is all my scores are based off of um i would say mostly this image that i gave to people of my mangled foot on not safe when i was doing that show and it is a grotesque picture i remember uh one of my producers coming in to my office during those days to be like, hey, we're doing this foot segment. Like, can we just get a picture of your foot? And I just took out my, you know, sweaty, pale, mangled claw of a foot and just put it on this sad carpet of Hollywood Center Studio stages.

And my toenail is like purple. It's so I mean, it still looks the same. It's very thin. My foot looks very, my foot looks anorexic. It's like really sad. It looks like a 98 year old woman's foot without question. So, and how brave of me to put that out there. And then there's other pictures of my foot that are taken from Instagram that have been uploaded where people can see. And yeah, so people are, oh,

and people have actually stolen still images from my Instagram story, just flashes of my foot that they've stolen and uploaded. And yeah, my feet aren't great. A three out of five, I don't think is very good for the site. I think most of these people are pretty generous. And yeah, that's a sad rating. And how many ratings do I even have?

We probably have more than reviews of our podcast. It doesn't say. Yeah, it doesn't say. It should say. I want to know. It says 665 total votes. Oh, I see. Yes. And 173 say beautiful. Thank you. Let's get that number up 106 say nice 117 say

okay and 140 um say ugly 129 say bad um bad and ugly i love that those are different bad is slightly better than ugly um you know well it's whatever i don't i really don't care like I can't control my foot there's nothing I can do for my feet other than manicure it to change it I could get surgery then I'd be off my feet and then I wouldn't be able to exercise then the rest of me would change and then I'd get taken down for the rest of me it's like you can't you can't win so not doing anything to my feet love my bunions love the pain it brings me because i like pain and i like having them massaged even though no one does it for me the other day um andrew and i did a uh foot massage 69 or we each grabbed one foot because i was like dude massage my feet please and he was like no no and i was like just for like 10 seconds he's like you massage mine i was like great i

would love to go the barter system i was so good i was really he knows how good i was and he likes a foot massage just as much as me noah we used to go in new york every day and we used to get two hours we used to start with a half hour and then we'd just be like you want to go another half hour and then we'd bump it up then we'd go you want to go another half hour they're 25 for an hour you pay 50 bucks and then i tip like insane amounts because i mean that's just so cruel to put someone through all that um but i just love a good foot rub and man that face massage i can't stop thinking about it i gotta get another one of those that was life-changing. I am, Kirsten's gone.

She left, and I'll miss her. She was sleeping in my bed the past five nights. It was so fun. It was fun to be at home this past weekend. I've been out on the road every single weekend

for like, I don't know, it's probably, it's felt like seven or eight weeks in a row. I'm going to Cancun tomorrow. So will be putting those that episode will come out eventually eventually i'm thinking for thanksgiving okay oh that's a good idea a little yeah everyone's gonna be around their families a little vacation in your head in your ears um that'll be fun we're going to cancun it's like all these comedians it's gonna

be who's on her i want to get the itinerary because it looks so good it's like i'm doing goddamn comedy jam which is when a bunch of comedians play with a band and sing songs and i'm gonna play guitar for the first time and do just an acoustic version of blank space which i did last week on the um live podcast So I'm going to do that again. And the band's going to join me for like the last chorus because I just want to do solo and yeah, that'll be so fun. That's what I'm looking forward to.

And then I'm also doing an hour show and also a live podcast. So it's a lot to do while I'm in Cancun. I'm going to get a spray tan today to prepare for it. Haven't even thought about swimsuits and wearing them in front of other comedians and how that will feel. How do you feel about being around so many comedians? It's been so long, right? Yeah. Well, I guess when I go to LA, I'm around them a little bit and I feel like yeah I guess it's been so long since it's been like a lot in one space but also no because on the road I bring Emil and Andrew

and Anya and Matt and it just feels like a bunch of artists it feels like comedians all hanging out like I've been getting really good hangs in but I am excited to just hang with um i think jim jeffries is there yep andrew santino um who else uh girls got girls mateo i'm so excited to see mateo and his sculpted fig um he is the best body fig is short for figure um he's he's an Adonis. Yeah, I just, I'm excited. And I really don't, I haven't even given a single thought to being in a bathing suit in front of comedians. I will be, I don't give a F. I look fine. It's not like the best I've ever looked. But like I'm just going to I'm going to just enjoy being in the sun and being able to be at a resort. And I'm going to live it up and I'm not going to worry about that stuff. I haven't even thought about it.

That's my new thing is not worrying about it until it arrives. Good. You know, like just staying. My pants are flooding. Whatever. They've arrived. The floods arrived. These pants are so good and I never wear them.

And now I know why because they flood and they make me so sad because I think I shrunk them. I shrink everything. It's just I should buy everything in an extra large and extra long so that I can shrink it. Because it's going to get shrunk no matter what. It's always going to be some part of me when I take the wet clothes to the dry clothes where I go, Nikki, you should go through each individual black blob in here. But then I go, nope, let's just roll the dice and I'm probably going to be fine. And then inevitably there's like a really nice sweater that looks like it's made for

an American Girl doll after I dry it. The plus size American girl doll after I dry it. Um, the plus size American girl doll. They should have had a plus size American girl doll. I wonder if they have like chunky, chunkier dolls just to create for every body image of little kids. Um, did you ever American girl dolls?

No, no, just the, I'm like old enough to know the Cabbage Patch dolls. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember those? Of course, but never got into those. For some reason, they just didn't look like people to me.

I wanted more realistic. I never appreciated abstract dolls like Bratz dolls. I mean, those were way too old for those. Cabbage Patch dolls, I know they grew in the garden so the children aren't supposed to look human and they're supposed to resemble a you know gassy vegetable but their faces and their hair was yarn i want like i wanted hair to be like mine there were obviously body standards and hair standards in doll world that made me a little bit insecure as a fine-haired child but you know i'm grateful that i had a choice of dolls that looked like me that you know with no vagina and no nipples and a uh a waist that if I had it you know didn't they do the

measurements of Barbie and if you had those measurements you wouldn't have a stomach and you would just be dead like you would you would all your organs would have to be removed um but I also suspended disbelief enough to be like oh this isn't what I'm supposed to look like I think I could as a child go this is for Barbie this isn't for me um but I do believe that you know when someone says you look like Barbie it's like the nicest compliment because it's like this perfect version of what you should be so I guess I mean it does create a beauty standard I mean I just always remember being in the bath and feeling my hair in the bathtub like when I would lay in the bathtub and it would just the way it would like flow and feel so like silky and just it would be soft and straight but also

bend in the right way and have this weight to it that just felt luscious. And then I'd get out and it'd be like thin and wispy and like, you know, like Ebenezer Scrooge when I got, when it would dry. And I'd be like, why can't it just, I remember thinking, why can't it be the way it is when it's wet?

Like not understanding physics, still don't understand physics, but just wanting my hair to be like Ariel's. Did you ever, what was your first like female female insecurity as a girl noah like being like oh i wish i had that and it's like a kind of like a sexual thing or like oh or catering to the male gaze kind of thing where you're like oh my god i wish i had boobs or whatever do you remember what age oh yeah of course um my when i went through puberty i think my body just didn't do it in the correct order and my legs were always like so skinny but my butt started to grow

so whenever i would put a skirt on it would just look like two legs in a bucket that's what i would always think like this looks terrible like if you did a handstand it would be like two mops in a bucket yeah exactly i just like girl so and even even until today like i don't know how to wear skirts i feel so uneven in them and just so like misshapen interesting that's such a thing that's carried over because you have such a great body such great legs i mean anyone can wear a skirt it doesn't matter if your legs look like mop bucket mops in a bucket um but that is interesting and such a very like perfect description of what i mean it probably kind of looked like or someone said something like that to you I remember someone saying I had um like thin like chicken legs or something and then I was like my legs are like so thin and being sad about that and then like the next day it was like someone said my like when I

sat down you know how your thigh goes when you sit down and like yes like the muscle softens and goes to the side and someone being like look at your thigh and like from one day to the next feeling skinny too skinny too fat i'm too fat now you're too thin there's a britney spears song about it yeah there's like uh i love that taylor swift quote from her um documentary where she's like if you have enough fat on your body to have a butt, then people then you have a tummy. And if you don't want to have a tummy, then you don't have a butt or boobs. And it's like, you can't fucking win. And I just loved that because it's true. There's just no winning. So stop trying to play the game. I, you know, I, I've just, I'm so glad

that I get to share the way that I feel about my body now with people because it really doesn't change. Like even when I was really depressed the other day, and that's usually when, you know, I used to go to my therapist years ago, my abusive therapist, and I would sit down and go, I feel fat today. And of course I wasn't. And she would say, you're depressed. Like that's where your mind goes. The first thing you go to now I go to, you're not a real woman. You'll never get like, no man wants to love you. You aren't possible about being a homemaker or like maternal, but it doesn't go to your fat and um you know and and people go well Nikki you're not fat so why would you go to that so maybe that's why I don't think that's it because I really did feel

that way no matter what it wasn't about I would find something about my physical appearance that was just not okay and I still do it like I still look in the mirror sometimes and you guys have heard me say this and just I just go like and it I start to go down that rabbit hole of like oh my god like zooming in on a picture I saw a picture of myself the other night where my crow's feet were a pop in and it was just the way I saw my face for the first time where I go there's some age on that face like that looks like a 37 year old woman's face me like she's she's getting close to 40 like that there's no denying it her face is showing it and I looked like my mom to be honest with you I looked like my mom when I as I when I was a

teenager I looked like what my mom looked like and um know, I could vividly remember my mom's face as a teenager more so than when she was younger, obviously. And I just looked like my mom. And there's a part of myself that was like, I want to get those crow's feet taken out. They're always trying to put Botox on my crow's feet. And I always like those because they just like, I don't know, they've never bothered me. But the other other night I'm just zooming in and I'm like god you look old and so what I mean like I don't know it just was I just moved on to the next thing I just can't be bothered with it I mean I'm a little bit the other day Kirsten's talking about micro needling and all this stuff and sure I'm gonna look into it but I don't know there's other stuff

I gotta worry about and it just it's just a waste of my time. I've wasted so much of my life worrying about my body. And I'm not going to say that it's not going to happen again. But man, you can just die tomorrow. And then what are you doing? Just pinching yourself and looking in the mirror. I'm tired of mirrors. And yeah, I don't't know I don't know how

to get over it for I know it's it's not easy to do it but I'm so grateful that I'm kind of done with that shit are you kind of done with it Noah like have the voices quieted in that way for you with body stuff I have my my moments but they're never long it's just kind of like whatever I yes I don't know like you have a different history with body issues than I do so I um I can't say that I I relate to what you're saying but for me it's very easy to brush it off I never really had you know besides the whole legs thing and, you know, the chicken skin. I don't know. I just kind of stopped caring about it.

I just wonder, though, when we brush it off like that, if we're not, if it's just going somewhere else. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, yesterday I was going through a feeling where I was maybe having to like close a chapter of my life with a relationship, a friendship. And I was like, really getting sad about it, even though I was like, oh, this is probably for the best. And I just was really getting like, I'm gonna have to mourn this, I was gearing up to like, have a cry fest, because I thought I'm gonna have to say goodbye to this person for a really long time, if not forever, because of just the circumstance and I just was like you know what I was telling Kristen I don't want to feel this I just don't want to do it is there any way I can

just not I can just numb out and just just and not with drugs not with anything just truly robot head just like say bye and just when the feelings bubble up push them down and I just know that's not true it's gonna go somewhere else and so I wonder when I look in the mirror and I go no you're not dealing with this yes you hate the way your arms look not today does it just go somewhere else or do I have to like honor my arm and be like honor the pain I feel over my arm and like mourn the loss of tone or whatever that I'm experiencing. I wonder where it goes because everything goes somewhere. I really wish I, and I am good at just shutting down and I'm very bad at goodbyes. I would rather a friendship end with like, oh, we just kind of ghost each other. Then having the talk and being like and and saying it was we

had really good times and then starting to you're bad at goodbyes I'm shocked really I hate goodbyes hate them that's why I always leave like very abruptly and I'm like okay I'm going like I don't like this like tedious like all right well this was so fun oh I missed you like even today with Kirsten I'm like chose to put in my laundry when she was leaving because I just wanted to be distracted and not like have to hug her and go oh this was like it's because it's it means it's over and I get really sad when things are over I've seen you I guess like more like professional goodbyes and I've always like admired how you handle them and looked up to it but I

guess personal even when we ended you up it was like I didn't mention it until the day of even though I knew it was coming I just don't want to like have any kind of lead I don't want to I don't want to prolong a goodbye because if I if I talk about how great it was and all the good times I will be so much more sad when I have to end it as opposed to just done. Does anyone relate to that? Let's talk to Andrew about it. Andrew!

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In regards to ending a relationship or ending a... No, just anything. You know how i just leave everything very abruptly i'm just like i'm gonna go and then i'm gone i'm just i don't like going well this was fun yeah like i hate revising going i just hate going over anything whether it's my act uh whether it's a show we just did i don't want to have a post-mortem about how it went yeah because uh there's first of all it could be critical or it could be

it could stir up just like emotions that make me go like oh it was so fun and then i get sad as ending so i just would rather go like bye cut and dry i'm i'm i'm more like you i definitely like if i'm leaving like friends that i know i won't see for like who knows six years i'll be like later bro later dude instead of like i'm not gonna see you in so long and i just don't even know what i'm gonna do without you in my life because dude we really do throw a football well together yeah like it's not it's and that's partly because it's like i'm afraid of those emotions coming up like i wish i could hug and like actually like hold my dad while i'm leaving him and be like god i really do love this moment it's more like all right dad see you see you fucking at hanukkah that's what it is it's that not wanting

to possibly have to cry or it's just pushing away feelings it is that are just like for me maybe they're wastes of time because i just go i got stuff to do i can't i can't be crying if i cry it's everything i'm on camera too much and i have to be like on for things so if i cry during the day it pushes my schedule it pushes things that i can't yeah and not that that's different than anyone has to go into a meeting at work or have lunch with a person or jump on a zoom call whatever it is like or be around your kids you don't want to be like weepy you always there's never enough time to cry does that make sense our whole i mean our whole life is designed like with business you got to separate business from uh personal you gotta you can't you not going to go to your client and be like, please, I just want you to fucking sign up so I can make money to feed my children.

Like that's really the emotion you're feeling. But instead you're like, well, here are the numbers at 5%, 4%, 7%, you know, all the percents. But like, it's interesting. Like we're just like taught to like push these things down just so essentially so we could cope with life i guess but then it hits you at like 45 when you have a heart attack or you need therapy or you know you're you look back or you just break down on a podcast or like truly i mean when when people cry and they say they cry like I cry like it's a um a storm in Florida like it just passes by real quick it's within it goes it's a rainstorm yeah 10 last 15 minutes 10 minutes whatever it is and you when it comes on though you go okay let's cancel the whole

fucking day and then all of a sudden the sun comes out and you're like i can't believe it was even raining and the ground is like shimmery and you're like what the hell happened um that's how i feel like i sometimes want to cry for a really long time but it just feels like a burden to those around me who have to comfort me or if i go off by myself and cry and the people that like you know the other day I was crying because I was depressed and like there's only so much your friends can say or do which is pretty much nothing when you're super depressed and then I just wanted to go cry in bed but I had to wait till like the house was cleared out because I didn't want anyone to think that I was like I'm sad like I didn't want to hear you me I didn't want you guys to hear me weeping through the door

because I thought you might think that I was trying to act sadder. It always stirs up in like I'm trying to get attention. I get that. I mean, because we do try to get attention in so many parts of our life. So why wouldn't crying be another thing? Crying probably is a way to get attention because that's how i feel at funerals when i'm at a funeral i don't cry because i don't want the attention on me it's about the dead guy or dead girl like or like it's not though they're dead i know i know

but i just it it does i have the same kind of thoughts though like of like oh whoa me or or like i hate when people like comfort me like I can't handle it. You hate the pity. Yeah, I just don't like – Anya hates pity too. It's her least favorite emotion on her of like – She's from Russia and was raised inside an igloo up there or whatever. Yeah.

Made out of vodka. Well, I got that a lot too as a kid of like what are you crying about? That's ridiculous and but for some reason when i love that when um i want the opposite of what i got as a kid which was like not a ton of comfort and sometimes but my mom would sometimes when i was sick my mom was really good about being you poor thing like really good about like being nurturing and making me feel like i deserve to be sad when I was sick. And so sometimes when I get sick, I get really like, I'm a baby. And I just, because I do deserve it.

And I give it to people too. When people are sick, I just go, oh my God. It's just the worst. But I think that emotionally, I don't have any, I don't give myself permission to feel sorry for myself when I'm emotionally sad. I just think though like the idea of like the sun clearing – like thank God our brains are like that. I just don't think that I get to cry enough though because I just go, oh – I mean the fact that I can cry at all is good and better than before. I used to just be a fucking desert.

And there was a drought. But now when it rains, it's just like sometimes you need a little bit more. And I just feel like I don't even – that's why I don't like to cry because I'm like I know that I won't get – it's like masturbating and you know you don't get to cum, which you know I like to do anyway. But you just know that there's not going to be the actual release because the the person or getting massage like you don't even want to massage for two minutes that's not worth it to you if the person if you knew after two minutes the person was going to be like oh i fucking hate doing this so how long do you want to cry for i mean there's no you know like what are we talking about until i i am done. Not because I'm done for other people. But didn't you say the other day you were crying and then you were fine?

You were like, whoa, what was that? Like the sun came up? Yes. So then isn't that the end? Yeah, but I made it. It just so happened that I felt better afterwards. But I think that I needed more because later that day I was a little bit more weepy. And I just couldn't do it because I had to go over to my sister's house for trick-or-treating and I didn't want to get there and be the crying girl, even though that's a cool costume.

But if I gave you five days to cry, I think they – No, I wouldn't take them. That's too long. Noah, when you cry, how long does it last? On Av. I'm just saying like how long does it last on Av? I mean, I don't like no, no more than five minutes. Even five minutes feels long. I don't even think that's maybe that's long enough. But I think that is us being like, I got it.

This is just too indulgent. I got to wrap this up. It's like a quickie. And sometimes you need really, you need Kama Sutra. It doesn't, when you finish up crying, is it because you feel like,

okay, this is a little too much or is it just like you get it out? Do you feel complete? I'm thinking about the last things that what made me cry. And I think it was mourning the loss of my dog yeah and um i mean i guess i just like lose track of time so i can't tell you how long but um when he first passed away i didn't really cry i was like in this weird like

mode and then maybe like a month later is when it hit me and i just let myself cry as much as possible um it was also helpful that i wasn't like at like at actual work i was at home you know I was um but now but then like you know like even like a year later I would start thinking about him more if I would see his photo and like I would tear up and stuff but it it doesn't I guess I just kind of like say okay you can let it out now and then I just like, okay, I don't want to go into this sad place. Let's think of something happier,

happier times with him. I'm realizing what it is that makes me feel so uncomfortable about crying. What is it? It's not crying. It's, it's that when, after you cry, you're happy.

And it feels like the change, the sudden change is like so abrupt that it seems like whatever you were upset about was fake. And that you tricked everyone around you to get the attention and then suddenly it got out and now you get the attention. And so you're suddenly happy because you got like, I feel like people think like, oh, Nikki just wanted us to like get around her and like stop down and make everything about her for a second and now she's happy and it she's so happy that it no one could be that sad and that happy right away but the fact of the matter is because I cried I'm able to get it out of the way and be happy but it feels like it feels fake you know it feels like yeah someone pretending they're drunk or something or someone pretending they're, it feels embarrassing. It feels like coming a little bit of like, it feels out of control. And you're just like,

like making weird noises, making weird faces. And then afterwards you're just like, okay, like let's go back to normal. Like, it's so embarrassing. You're like picking up your clothes,

like the tissues. It's like, where's my underwear? Like it's that naked state afterwards where you're like, and I feel that I feel like a phony because I feel so much better after I cry that it's embarrassing of how. But everyone around you. And then I feel like everyone's like she was just fucking faking it.

No one's like that. But I used to fake crying. I think maybe as a kid to get attention and maybe that's what's. But everyone wants you to be happy. Like I, I, it'd be a weird friend to be like, man, she didn't earn it.

She's not really sad enough to get attention. Not didn't earn it, but she's come up with, she can switch on a dime so fast that it makes you think, this person's lying. There could be an unstable person that uses tears for her advantage or whatever, but I feel like if... It's like being like, oh my gosh, and we'll be right back with a

fun trip to the county fair. Okay, John, get over it! That kind of fakeness of you can showbiz people where they're like, oh, we're having such a good day today, and I don't want to kill myself yeah but if it was like if you were crying over like a starbucks order if no but you

had your heart hurt you had lack of sleep you're overworked there were a lot of reasons of why this happened after but then suddenly the sun comes out it's like that's fine good yeah was that fake why was she doing no that's in your head because that maybe that's what i think of other people sometimes then oh yeah i i think like like kids do that they're like when i asked you later and they're like i asked you later in the day and i was like how are you feeling you're like but better and it made me happy like i was happy that you got through it. It wasn't like, dude, that was kind of fake earlier. Like, she was just acting to get, you know, candy of attention. Like, there were no thoughts like that.

It was literally like, oh, I'm glad she got some rest finally. And now she can, you know, kind of, you can view things easier. You can understand things. When you're in that state, dude, you can't control it. And you don't think that you're in that state because you're drunk. drunk people don't know that they're like i'm fine i can drive they don't know that they're impaired like you don't when you're in when you're depressed you don't know that you're not you think you're you know something's off but like you can't explain it and you think you're right you're like when i get depressed i'm just like i'm seeing things the right way like i i'm like a drunk person who's like i can drive shut up like i

know what i'm doing get out of here like and it's like no we have to take your keys you're in you're drunk and people say like you're depressed you're not looking at yourself the right way you have like and i just don't believe it i'm just and then i get in the car and I slam into a tree and that's what happens. And also as the friend in the scenario, Andrew, I'm sure that you're the same, but if my friends are feeling sad or emotional over something, I never go,

oh, don't be sad. It's nothing. Yeah, I've never said that. Who wants to hear that? I've never said that. There's versions of that that everyone can't help but do because they go, but come on, look at your life. You've done that.

No way. I get that all the time from my parents of last summer when I was depressed. I remember my mom saying, you just hosted Jimmy Kimmel. And she had a good point because I was like like I want to kill myself yeah and she's like but everything you've dreamed of is coming true and I'm like yeah you're right mom back in second grade I said I wanted to guest host Jimmy Kimmel from an abandoned mansion in Hollywood during a pandemic and it is coming true it's crazy that I predicted that no but it's like people will try to I think that's it I just was raised by parents that are like, but starving kids in Africa.

And also, look, you have food and clothes and parents who love you. What are you crying about? And then I feel like on your end, like you almost, you feel like you need to justify your sadness. Like your depression. Like you need to find a reason sometimes i feel like your brain like searches for something to be negative to match how you're feeling emotionally yeah and like you almost like search it out and how hard is it to feel depressed when there's nothing wrong it's embarrassing no i know i know you have to find something like it's like a survival mechanism of you're drowning and you're grasping for something to justify

and to almost hold you up and give you a... Because if you find that thing that you can go, that's what's wrong, at least that gives you hope that if I fix that or if that wasn't there, I wouldn't be drowning. But if you're just drowning with nothing to point to, it feels like I'm going to just die out here. I guess you just got to figure out how to not get in the water without being able to swim before you start looking for something to justify it.

The water is going to come. I'm going to fall off the boat sometimes. And I think that everyone listening that has depression, I'm going to be depressed again. It's going to come up. I just have coping mechanisms of knowing that it's okay to ask for to spend a great, beautiful day outside in bed and get a nap in. It's okay. It's okay to I can journal about it. I can ask my friends, like, do you mind if I just sing a bunch of songs really loud to get my feelings out. I can, you know, I can just, I can, I can treat myself like I'm sick and like give myself the same kind of leeway and softness and gentleness and ask for it from my friends that I do if I had the flu. Like I just got to start treating the depression,

depression, like the flu. And that's why, I mean, when I get sick, I had a commitment on Sunday that I just said, I have the flu of the brain. Like I have a legit contagious because I'm going to bring everyone down. I can't be around people. And I go, unless I can take some coldies and get rid of this, I'm not going out tonight because I can infect everyone. Yeah. And the reaction was?

Was I'm totally stay in like i just i i hope that we can just as a culture like embrace calling in depressed and not have it be like and that it because it because i don't get physically sick and it's like a bummer to me because i don't get to ever call in sick. And if I do, it's a lot. It's a lot. If I, if I say I'm feeling sick, I rarely get physically sick. I get mentally sick and people just, it creeps people out.

It makes them worried in a way that, you know, being physically sick doesn't. And, but it's the honest truth that sometimes I just can't work. Yeah. No, I've had depression where you can't pinpoint it and you're just like stuck in bed

and you can't call your friends and say i can't come tonight because i'm depressed you just have to say i'm not feeling it which you know is the same thing yeah like yeah it's hard it's hard i mean i've i've gone through months of depression in the past but i've i don't know what does your depression look like though you don't have the voice saying, kill myself. Kill yourself, right? No, I say, kill Nikki. Kill Nikki. People do get homicidal depression, for sure. Oh, I don't think I have that. I mean, I don't even know if we have a weapon.

But I've looked. Golf clubs, dude. Oh, shit. But then I got to go down to my car. And you're going to get blood all over them. You just got them. You'll have to trade them in again. And they'll be like, well, these have pieces of hair this is nicky glazer's blood and they'll be like oh

well that case sir step right up all right that's pretty dark but no my depression is going i still go to my room and i just lay down and i just recoup and that's why when you're like you go to your lair a lot i go yeah i go there to just i need alone time i just worry that sometimes i guess i'm projecting like that's why i feel bad when i take a nap when i'm depressed because that's also the thing i want to that's like my cutting when i'm depressed because i go in there and i think about killing myself but i don't know the difference between i need a nap and i want to just check out from the day and i know that checking out from the day is not what's good for me that's why i had to stop and stay out in the kitchen so long until I realized, like, are you wanting to go to bed to escape from the day or because you're really tired? And it was like, I'm tired.

Oh, for you. Yeah. But for me, it's just like it's a balance. Like we talk here for an hour and a half. Then we might shoot some stuff for a couple, three hours. And then I hit golf balls for two hours. And then I just go in bed. I put on a show I want to watch.

I'm not like overthinking it. No, but I'm talking about when you're depressed. But when I'm depressed, when I'm depressed, it could almost look a lot like that too. Yeah, that's why I'm saying when you do it, you're not depressed. I go, hey, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm good. I call Brenna a lot of the times. We check in and we talk. No, I hear you talking sometimes in there. And I go, oh, you're just hanging out with your girlfriend. And I'm good. I call Brenna a lot of the times. We check in and we talk. No, I hear you talking sometimes in there, and I go, oh, you're just hanging out with your girlfriend. And I get it. If I had a TV in my room, I definitely wouldn't use it. But if there was something in my room that,

if there was a friend in my room, I might hang out in there more. Let's get to the news. Someone to whisper nothings to. Yes, I do. Luigi. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. someone to whisper nothings to yes I do Luigi I think Luigi's anorexic well they say the dogs

I know take on the yeah thank you my god have you noticed it's back baby it's like a dog knows a storm is is coming before the storm comes no you're gonna look great at two months nick but i think he's he's not eating to get my attention to be like hey i'm i'm distressed

and that's what anorexia is it's not really about like oh i want to be thin and beautiful it's about i am suffering and i don't know how to show it. And it's like cutting yourself slowly. And I think that he's not eating right now to tell me something like I'm stressed, mom. He could get sad. I mean, you know, when we have big highs, he had a huge high the other day, hanging out with the fam, hanging out with Marion, running around in the woods. Right after he got a tooth removed,

and he was on anesthesia the day before, and he was on pain meds. And so he had this high euphoria day, and now he's coming down over there. Yeah, and I made him say goodbye, and it really made him wallow in it. So maybe that's it. But apparently, I hope you're having a good time out there. It's all the swells, and it's Wednesday, or it's Tuesday. So you know what that means. God, I just got hit by

a really good mood really yeah like nice like the coffee yeah no i think it was just like the conversation yeah i'm glad i'm glad that you process some stuff it's good thank you guys yeah of course i like talking about this shit it's so much more interesting than like i don't know like the first headline. Dave Chappelle's comedy special. Oh, interesting you say that. No way. No. No. Okay.

Dave Chappelle. A new study finds that the height of your heels can boost your orgasm. Because when a woman is standing in them, their pelvis tilts enough so that the muscles repeatedly contract. Strong pelvic floor muscles can also mean increased sensitivity during sex. This is like, you know, this is the shoe lobby. This is the stiletto lobby. Getting their...

This is big shoe money. Getting their heels into the, you know... Yeah, they paid someone to do a study. I mean, this is ridiculous. I understand. It feels like a guy was like, how can I get women to keep wearing heels? Oh, I know.

It makes you cum. I mean, women are going to keep wearing heels because they make your legs look fucking fantastic and they make your feet look really cute. And as someone who has a three out of five stars on WikiFeet, listen, the only pictures that are pulling that up to a three and not a one are the ones of my feet and heels. Well,

it says two inch heels is the optimal. So that's not that high, right? No, that's not too bad. I've been wearing only heels on stage, not heels, not like,

um, I, you've seen what I hate. I brought it on the show. Uh, I just hate a pump, like a tall stiletto, but I love boots.

I love boots. Um, I love wearing them on stage. The higher, the better. It's hard to dance in them at the end of our set, but it just makes me feel... I kind of go numb when I'm performing.

The adrenaline is kicking so much, I don't feel anything. The second I walk off stage, it's like, oh, get these off of me. But when you masturbate later in the day, do you think your pelvic muscle is stronger?

Good question. I wonder. Let's try to pay attention to it. I don't think that's. Let's all get together and pay attention to your pelvic floor. I mean, my sister just had a, she has a tilted pelvis from pregnancy. Oh, that's like a real thing? Yeah.

What does that mean? A lot of pain, and she has to go do physical therapy for it. They have her walking in heels. They have her walking in heels. They have her walking in heels that actually the top of her feet go up so that she can tilt back. She's wearing heels. Remember those fit flops or those fit shoes that had the heel where if you wore them, it it would work work you out fit fit

uh flops no you got to remember these they were all the rage about eight years ago look at fit flops everyone they were my mom had a pair and they were supposed to work your calf muscles because they had a little bit more um like the the the sole of the shoe came at an incline by your toes. So you were constantly kind of working uphill. Yeah. Yeah. You would walk more like a. I don't do Kegels or any kind of vagina exercises.

And I have those like balls that you're supposed to put up your vagina. It's supposed to like you're supposed to. I don't know what you're supposed to do with them. But they're like on a string. Yeah. And what does that do? Tighten your vagina? But right now I'm doing some kind of pelvic floor thrust.

And it does kind of make me a little bit like horny. Like it gets that vagina muscle like cranking. You can do Kegels. I can feel it right now. It's like on the base of. Yeah, Kegels. Strong enough for a woman. So your penis would be going like...

Well, it doesn't shoot up, but you could feel it in the head... Not the head, the base of your penis. And it apparently allows you to get harder, easier, or longer. It helps your erection. It's hard. Whenever I do hegels, I do it for like two times,ction but now i just it's hard whenever i do kegels it

take i do it for like two two times and i'm like that's hard yeah it's not like if i can't see the results right away i'm not going to be doing it and no none none of my partner will truly ever be honest with me about like i don't want i would never want him to be but i don't want anyone to be like oh you're feeling looser than before you're feeling tighter than before like i don't want I would never want him to be but I don't want anyone to be like oh you're feeling looser than before you're feeling tighter than before like I don't want to know I don't want to know what it is based on other women's like I have a friend who's like oh my vagina is so huge like inside it's just like massive and she's just like I just have a really wide vagina I'm just like I that is to me the worst thing anyone could say about me. I don't know why. I mean, I do know why.

And she's someone who cares very much about looks and body image. But she's just like, yeah, I have a really fucking wide pussy. And she's very nonchalant about it. Noah, do you worry about your tightness and your Kegels and your pelvic floor and all that stuff? I mean, I wouldn't say that I worry about it. You are reminding me of a story. A friend of mine, she hooked up with a couple and she was telling me about hooking up with the woman

and she goes, you know, it just felt like a hole in there. I had never felt anything like that before. That's what they say, what your asshole feels like. Well, I wonder, like, we say all this, but it's like, how much bigger could a vagina be? You know what I mean? Like, wider-wise. Like, are we talking centimeters?

Are we talking inches? We're talking centimeters. That's what i'm saying though it's like well i don't know i guess you would know if like if someone hands you a super tampon and you go oh my god yeah right never gonna do that yeah and then if for me a super tampon no prob bob let's get it up there like i can take it i can take like a lot but how wide a super tampon is not wider than penis no no no it, no, it's not. But I mean, there are some girls that are like, and there are times when I haven't had sex in a really long time

or had anything up there. And putting in a super tampon when you're not like gushing blood, like you're just kind of like menstruating, it hurts a little bit. And I'm like, oh, got it back. But then there's times that. There's times you leave the plastic on too. Yeah, I use Magnum tampons sometimes and just throw a hot dog down a hallway. So wait, so tampons though just for guys out there, I know there's like – there's different kinds, right?

That's the width of it or how much it can absorb? Yeah, it's pretty much the girth of it. Okay, so it's not about blood flow. It is because a girthier tampon is going to have more cotton to absorb more so it's it's the more blood flow you'll pick up bigger uh tampon that's going to have more of uh it's going to be a tree that's been in the ground a little bit longer more rings on that tree you know yeah yeah yeah uh so what's the biggest one super super super plus i believe i think you can go up to a super plus with tamp yeah. So what's the biggest one? Super? Super. Super Plus, I believe.

I think you can go up to a Super Plus with Tampax brand. And what's the smallest? Tiny pussy? Mouse suppository? I don't know. Just a little needle? You get the vaccine. It's a cotton vaccine up your puss.

Yeah, you, Adiva cups are the ones that everyone uses, but good Lord, that is just so scary to take out. What does that do? That collects all the blood in like a goblet, like a king's goblet, and then you take it out. Or sometimes it looks like a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and it's like a very taut rubber.

How long do you keep it in? The thing is, you can have sex with those, you put it in and it completely blocks your vaginal hole from having any blood flow. And it stays up there. Like you put this. Doesn't it build up then? Yeah, but then you take it out and you take it out like a cup and you go like this and it's just like a little bag. It's almost like a baggie. It looks like a dental dam kind of baggy and has blood in it and I mean I I've said this before but I remember using

those and taking them out when I had like white just like a light color jean on at a restaurant and I'm like if there was an earthquake or god forbid someone walked in the stall and I was like and like spilled and it sloshed everywhere or I poured out some for my homies it would be a nightmare the other night like uh can't canly, not Can't Hardly Wait. What's the movie with Patrick Dempsey where he dances? Oh, the American Psycho? No, oh, such a big movie. Oh, yeah, Can't Buy Me Love.

Where he spills the red wine. Yes, it would be like that. I love when I come up with things. All right, let's get to the next story. Apparently. Apparently. Apparently. Oh, I mean, watching that video the other day was so fun. up with things all right let's get to the next story apparently apparently apparently oh i mean watching that video the other day was so fun oh i can't believe kirsten never saw it there's some

video today i watched uh pete davidson's okay for the first time chad funny yeah kirsten was doing i gotta say that kirsten's rendition of it and telling me what it was was like i'm staring at you through the window i'm gonna stick a knife in your flesh in your face he's like okay that was funnier than the sketch itself got you yeah yeah yeah kirsten is so funny yeah she's very funny i said to her today i go honestly the way you describe and let's be honest she was she stole an idea like it was their idea but she is so funny and i've said this before i remembered as a kid like i remember where i was when i go she's gonna be on snl and it's like my dream

like to be on tv in that way and i just i can't it's just undeniable that this person is funnier than me and everyone says it everyone knows it she's just insanely funny um in a different way than i am obviously but i said to her this morning i was like god i was like you honestly if you tried right now you could get on snl you could leslie jones you know leslie jones didn't get on snl until she's in her 40s but kirsten really could get on snl she started doing characters on instagram without question i believe if she committed to it um and especially with like my help putting her out there it would happen she's that good um but she just goes yeah like i just feel like i probably could but like this is just my life and like you just like there's

just some life you can't have every life you want i was like i love the idea of like she knows she knows she's funny enough and she is and just being like no thanks like i would and i guess i'm passing up like motherhood or like being a teacher many lives i could have that would be gratifying but to turn down a life that could be snl with i i would say i would be 80 sure i could get her on snl if i if 80 80 that seems high i'm not i'm not trying to be a dick i'm not joking i think she's very funny but then i think like her character work and like no her character work is yeah she's very funny, but then I think like as an ensemble and like. No, her character work is. Yeah.

She's never had any training. Yeah, no, that's true. And with a little bit of training, honestly, I could get her there. No, she's very talented. I should be like the Bella Corolli of like, you know, like comedians. I could train comedians,

not standups for some reason, but like, I don't know. I'm not good at sketching impressions, but I think I could train i'm not good at sketch and impressions but i think i could train someone to be good at it i mean try to do try to make videos with her i mean that's where it starts i mean oh speaking of check out the lisa gilroy yeah you like this girl the lisa gilroy she i wrote to her and was like i don't think i don't know if she wrote me back yet but i discovered her the other night someone sent me a bestie sent me a tiktok of hers doing impressions and that's not

even what i love the most about her her impressions are great she does a great ellen but like she her shit is so fun women will really really like her girls i'm not kidding you g-i-l-o-r-y yeah this girl the lisa gilroy just go look at her Instagram now and go to her reels and watch five reels. And if you don't love four to five of them, then we don't have a lot in common. But it's rare that I turn you on to someone so emphatically. So check out the Lisa.

Speaking of accents. Yeah. An American woman who was hit, I love these stories, who was hit by an, well, that sounds bad, but who was hit by an SUV and was in a two-week coma, now speaks in a Kiwi accent.

She has now never been to New Zealand. Whoa. I mean. I was just listening to a podcast about this. There's some people that can speak like French. She was speaking French. She was speaking English. The thing is.

Like British. She probably spent some time in New Zealand. Her boyfriend's British. Okay. Yeah. So this is the thing. I was listening to the Sam Harris. But she's never been to New Zealand.

She's probably watched a show or something. She's had exposure. This isn't something that is humanly. Like I was listening to the new Sam Harris, Ricky Gervais podcast. It's called Absolutely Mental. And you got to pay for it. But God damn, is it it's yeah you know sam harris is i think the smartest person i've ever heard talk about human nature and if you're a fan of anything that i say god you're gonna love him and then ricky gervais obviously no matter how you feel about him i think

he's a really good person he's a vegan he's super funny and these two just get on the phone and talk about just he'll be like you know sam what is anxiety like what is it and sam's like well i mean it's fear it's a manifestation of fear it's a fight or flight you know and they just break it down and they and they're so funny sam is so funny because he's smart but um he uh they were talking about this about people that if if you just your body, because Ricky was talking about how if you eat, they did some experiment where people were eating fish, like raw fish. Or some guy was on an island or something eating fish. And eventually he just started eating the fish's eyes. And he didn't know why. Like why would that be the thing you go to?

Like something in him, even though it was the most disgusting part of the fish he was just drawn to the eyes and then they realized it's because eyes have water in them and his body knew that but he didn't cognitively know it but his body was like eat the eyes we need water he didn't know that there was water in those eyes he didn't go i need water equals eyes his brain knew something he didn't know, right? So is it possible, they were talking about, to like, you know, if you watch someone play piano and saw where the keys were all pushed, is your brain putting that somewhere?

And you just haven't found a way to- So if you get hit on the head, it unlocks that part of your brain. Yeah, like if you listen to subliminal tapes or if you if you listen to subliminal tapes or if you watch someone do like can you is there a way to know to unlock an accent or a language that you've heard spoken a lot like can you unlock it and the truth is no unless it's like kind of practiced but i think that this accent thing is probably, she's probably heard that before.

But I don't mind when people have, like, take on the accents of places they've been because I do it. Well, it's funny because hers was French at one point, Russian at one point, and then she, like, settled on New Zealand. I don't know, man, because I would have my voice a little lower. Whose voice would you take if you had to? Like out of comics? Or out of anyone?

Who has a good voice? I mean, you think about the biggest actors, they probably have the best voices. Like DiCaprio or Tom Hanks. Is there anyone's voice that you're just like, God, I wish I had that? Not singing-wise, just speaking-wise. Noah, does anyone's...

I mean, honestly, Noah, I wish I had that. Not singing-wise, just speaking-wise. Noah, does anyone, I mean, honestly, Noah, I might take your voice. I heard you when you left me a voice memo, I guess it was yesterday, two days ago. Oh, I almost drove my car off a bridge

because I was like sleeping. And listen, it's just so soothing and like pleasant. It's just a dream. I think, I would take a New Zealandaland or i would take an australian accent because it's it just sounds so crisp and cute it sounds like they're like

then if you're trying to get like on a chip english roles or like whatever then you're gonna have to i don't care about roles i mean i can be a comedian in any language i would i would truly take a crisp uh australian aust accents, I just think, are adorable on women. They're so cute. Yeah, no, it's probably one of the hottest. I mean, there's so many hot accents out there. French is very sexy through a woman. No is the only thing I can say.

No, no. That's Australian. No. And what's New Zealand? New Zealand is British. Oh, no, that's South African. If I watch, oh, my God, how funny is Jemai? Oh, it's the best.

I mean, recommending another podcast. Or just a show. Jemaising. Yeah, if you watch Summer Heights High, I start talking like an Aussie. No, you're good at that accent. I have to hear it a bunch. I'm only good at things if I hear it a bunch. Or if you get hit by an SUV.

Yeah. Fingers crossed. It's so wild, man crossed it's so wild man it's so wild that it just your brain i mean it sounds cheesy but we you know they say what you use eight percent of your what is going on in that other 92 test your brain to just like think of something so just let your mind go and think of the weirdest thing from your past and you just like i'll i'll imagine like a fence post from my middle school. I'm like, why did it just pick that?

I had a weird thought. Okay, what? So we had this kid who was kind of crazy in our neighborhood. And I remember him just like having a machete. Okay. And like he was just nuts with a machete. That's why there's no free will.

You did not choose to pick that. It just popped into your head. But it was like my fifth thought. I had to get there. Right, but that still appeared out of nowhere. I was like, think crazy, think crazy. What's the crazy? Oh my God, that kid that we kind of picked on.

You didn't go, I'm going to pick that. It just showed up. That's no free will. That's the perfect example. Okay, let's go to break and come back with Why Do I Care? I wonder how many people in Florida think back and are like, yeah, I see a guy with a machete. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show

and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Can you hear it it's the whisper of two wolves inside you one says you're not enough the other says keep going You can do this. They're always talking. The one you listen to shapes your life. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. On my podcast, we explore how to hear the voice that matters, the one that leads you to courage, wisdom, and love. It's not about perfection. It's about direction.

Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now it's your turn. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver,

and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we have had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to show us how we're both similar

and unique. Listen to mini questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my dog. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the center of this murky world is an alleged predator.

You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager, responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped

in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community,

and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crems as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Oh my God. Why do I care? Why do I care?

All right. Amy Schumer makes a statement wearing a tampon Halloween costume after having a hysterectomy due to endometriosis. Let's try that again. Let's just try it. Nope. You've definitely heard this word before. I'm shocked. Endometriosis.

Endometriosis. No, come on. You're almost there. You've had to have heard this before. Why? Because it's a common thing that a lot of women suffer with. Yeah. I'm not listening.

Endometriosis. This is the problem. Endometriosis. Okay. Endometriosis. I guess we'll never cure it until. You know, her uterus removed, right? So then she can't have babies anymore?

Yeah, I think that's correct. Oh, that's brutal. I know. What causes that endometriosis? I should know. What causes that? Um, I should know, but I know that it affects like one in nine women or something like that. Jesus. It's insane how many women go through this and it causes,

if you have really painful periods, more bleeding than most women, like, uh, Lena Dunham had it. She also had the same surgery where she had her uterus completely taken out. Um, yeah, they, and I love that it's called a hysterectomy and that women, she also had the same surgery where she had her uterus completely taken out um yeah they and i love that it's called a hysterectomy and that women that are crazy are called hysterical it

must be related it probably like oh the the disease of the uterus she's crazy she's yapping someone get a hysterectomy of her mouth yeah i i yeah i uh she also was a spokesman for tampax yeah so i think maybe that's also why the outfit was being worn yeah she's done some commercials with them yeah i guess she's bringing it's interesting that they go with a blue color yeah that's the classic new thing with tampon no i mean that's that's the she look at the top do you see the top so the cotton is sticking out the top so that's the she look at the top do you see the top so the cotton is sticking out the top so that's the app she's the applicator okay so it's like a plastic applicator and then the top is coming out and then her legs are like the thinner part of that you push through

so the legs you would push through and then that cotton part would come out and then it would be only that blue top part with the leg part inside that's's how you put in a tampon. I mean, it is wild that like... And then, does she have the string? Yes, it's like a... Yeah, she's holding it in the photo. Yeah, that's great. I love that. I liked that costume a lot.

And, you know, it's very Schumer and like funny. And I like... I think that if Schumer wasn't being represented, like she wasn't doing it for Tampax, she would have some blood on there too. Oh my God. Did you hear me just sit on my mom? Just kidding. And I wasn't being represented, like she wasn't doing it for Tam Beck, she would have some blood on there too. Oh my God. Did you hear me just sit on my mom? Just kidding.

And I wasn't just kidding. Yeah. What was your favorite Halloween costume you saw of celebrities? Of celebrities? I couldn't stand all the Megan Fox's, Machine Gun Kelly's, even though I get it. But there was too many. You didn't see it. But I mean, I saw about 55 Ted Lassos.

I only saw one. I saw it out in the wild. I saw like six or seven just walking around, driving around. Those are good. It might just be the same Midwestern guys. A jacket with a mustache and a hat and glasses. No, they were Lassos. And then there were a lot of Lassos out there.

It's an easy outfit. Any guy likes an excuse to have a mustache because they're seen as porny. What's wrong with that guy? He's got a weird porn mustache. We're all lasso inside. We all have anxiety

and are questioning our choices. I like a costume where you can see the person's face. I don't like wearing a mask all night. It's fucking annoying. What's your favorite costume you ever wore? Did you ever get really dressed up? I think both of us.

Yeah, it was Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Which one was the other one? I was also Paris Hilton one year too. That was really good. That was a really hot year. It was just very... that was that was like a really hot year and it was uh just like very um i was living that night and my sister was nicky hilton really yeah is there photos it is there's one photo and i cannot find it anywhere because i've looked for it but it was really good

and um then i was yeah i was i was one of the olsens. I wanted, you know, as someone who was anorexic probably at the time, I wanted to wear a skeleton costume, you know, like the way that you wear a jumpsuit with like the black skeleton and then be holding a Starbucks cup with big sunglasses and like a trench coat and be like the Olsens because they were like anorexic. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like a trench coat and be like the Olsens. Cause they were like anorak, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like a joke. And I'm like, I,

my favorite costume that I, I put a diet Coke box on my head and I, you were diet Coke head. I was Coke head. Just Coke head. Oh, you get 12 Cokes. That's so simple.

That's a good one. Yeah. I liked this guy's, um, Alex Bordy, you know him. Uh, he was a bachelor guy.

He's one of my friends. I liked his costume. I'm sure it's been done a million times, but it was just all white And it said Like 404 error Costume not found He just like wrote it

And it was like Oh Pete's was kind of funny Pete Pete Lee and his girlfriend What'd they do? They were a beer pong table Oh really?

And they just Tied nine Plastic red cups To their back And just would bend over And have people Play beer pong on them Oh that's fun

God I wish I would've been invited to a party. My nephew was a squid and Poppy was a monster and they got really tired and wanted to go home early. It was awesome. Oh my God, it was so great. All right, let's get into Reddit dump. Ooh, yes. Get in there.

This is your Reddit dump. All right. I love your laugh in that. that all right let's get to the reddit dump i saved a lot oh my god there's pictures of words coming up hold on um god i'm i love reddit so much oh this one is so good have you ever seen this clip i wonder if we could superimpose it noah into the middle thing this is a guy it's a it's a it's a pretty famous viral video but it looks like you know a security footage of a street and there's a man walking towards the camera like on a road and then a man comes up from behind him and just taps him on the shoulder just a mysterious man comes up from behind taps on the shoulder the man turns around the other way that man taps him

on the shoulder and he turns around this way. As he turns around, there's this huge fence and he's like, whoa! He runs out of the way. Watch this. A fence? Just watch this. How creepy it is. I'm watching. It's dark at night. Guy's walking.

Whoa. Whoa. Watch it again. I mean, isn't that crazy? It's like this angel appears out of nowhere and taps this guy in the shoulder and then keeps walking and you just see him walk off camera. But it makes you think.

It comes out of nowhere. It seems like this guy just the shoulder and then keeps walking and you just see him walk off camera. It comes out of nowhere. It seems like this guy had an angel watching him, knew he was about to die in a final destination way of having this huge fence come. The guy would have been killed by this fence had he not turned around and seen it. But the only reason he turned around was because a guy tapped him on the shoulder right before it. And the guy, that's real.

I've seen it on Reddit a million times. So guys, if you want to see it, go to the subreddit That's real. I've seen it on Reddit a million times. My question is, did the fence hit the- So guys, if you want to see it, go to the subreddit Next Fucking Level and then search Man Just Witnessed God Himself. And that's what it's under. My concern is that the fence hit the angel

or whatever that guy was. Don't you think? Yeah, it could have been. Okay. I don't know. Here's one from AskMen, which is always one I love. And I love to ask you these these two what's the most superficial reason for for uh why i think they meant to say for uh why you have

rejected a woman some of the answers include i mean it would have to be leg hair armpit hair happy trail hair any kind of hair that you don't want it to be is very superficial. But you've been on Instagram and Twitter and seen leg hair? No, just like maybe even in real life, you just turned off by it. I'm just thinking what else? One person said, I feel really bad about this one. She appeared to be my age, like mid-20s at the time, but she had a cartoonishly thick Minnesotan accent.

I couldn't hear her voice without picturing a middle-aged hockey mom that wanted to serve me a salad that was three parts jello, one part vegetables, and five parts mayonnaise. Andrew would have loved that. Luckily, the first date went poorly anyway, and neither of us wanted a second date. I think a laugh,

if you hear a girl laugh or how they speak, you could maybe be turned on. Oh, man, sometimes I hear my own voice, and I go, whoa, boy. That guy sounds angry. This guy said, really shitty left turn to get into her apartment complex. Oh, yeah.

I mean, you're just rejecting her. She's not good enough to put up with that. Oh, no. Her feet looked like she kicked walls for fun. You know what? To the guy that wrote that that that wasn't the only reason you rejected me okay i also have a grating voice and i have uh anxious attachment um someone said when i was newly divorced some friends had a get together where it was pretty obvious that they

wanted me to meet a woman they thought i might hit it off with she was pretty funny and into many of the things i was a very intuitive matchup. Then she started to refer to herself as the queen throughout the evening and I was done with that. Not superficial at all. That girl needs to go. I agree with that one a million percent.

I would say for me, it's like loving meat. That's not superficial to me, but anyone who identifies with like loving meat or someone who you know now when i'm swiping on bumble like you can find me in the outdoors someone who loves traveling sorry like i don't want to travel i do it for a living um and then if we're but these aren't superficial these are like things they were not compatible. Superficial, no chin, bad teeth, bald I don't care about, short don't care about. Okay, you don't have to look at me while you're thinking of these things.

Like wear sweatpants to a date. Okay. No, no, no, to a date. If I went over to your – if you had me over to watch a movie here at the apartment, and you answered the door in that... Actually, that's a nice outfit, but those pants and a dirt... I would just go,

this guy doesn't even fucking like me. He's not even trying. Noah, have you ever rejected someone for superficial reasons? Yeah. Can you think of one? i'm trying to think um i remember my homecoming date uh like permed her hair where it looked like she you know put her finger in an electric socket yeah and i just couldn't i it just turned me off so much wow why because it was like a big date for

me and i was like this is what you decide to do? Did you say it looked nice? Did you at least, because that's a big change you want some kind of. I made a ride in the backseat of my Explorer. No, no, I just, dude, it was like.

It was a place you'd fit. It was like, it was wild. Oh my God, do you have any pictures? Was this your prom king? Oh yeah, what do you got?

Do you have a picture of his prom date? No, sorry. You're you got? Do you have a picture of his prom date? No, sorry. You're going to love this. First time my dog died. It's been so long since I've been on a date, so I completely forgot this. But I met a guy on an app,

and we met at a bar or whatever in Manhattan. And I looked at his hands. I'm like, I love a good hand, right? Yeah. And the ends of his fingers were so like bulbousy it looked like alien nodes and i was just saying i was out i get that oh yeah that's that's i don't i agree with that one um hands are important oh if women have two bigger hands it could turn me off okay yeah that that would make sense i think that um like the way someone smells yeah i i've

been like ah god they're perfect except like i just don't i just don't like too much gum in their smile like chewing gum no like they're oh yeah gummy yeah sorry to anyone who has this the thing is these are superficial this is some girls would say bald and short. I wouldn't date. But for me, if you're someone that has bad teeth and, what did I say, no chin, let me be honest. I could still love you. All you have to do is seem disinterested in me.

And grow a beard. And you're not impressed with me. And then, yeah. And grow a beard. And wear your Invisalign. Okay, here's one last one. Life pro tips. If you need to get rid of

an unwanted erection bend over with your knees locked straight as far as you can comfortably go and take three or four big deep breaths wait wait what is this if you want to get rid of an unwanted erection you stand with your knees straight okay and knees locked straight bend over as far as you can go and take three or four big deep breaths. With your dick in your mouth? Yeah. Suck your own dick until you cum and then the erection will go away. Would that work, you think?

What? Blowing yourself or death? I could try. I'll try it later. I'll let you know how it goes. Final thought. When was the last time you had an unwanted erection? Do you remember getting them in school no not really nothing where it's like oh no but i remember we nicknamed this kid

boner because he got a boner during us uh like a presentation during yeah in front of the whole class oh poor god yeah it was bad and like it was boner. Like, you're just boner now. Yeah. And he kind of ran with it. I like that he like, I guess if he. I love people owning. If you could see your dick in some pants with a boner, you probably got a pretty good boner.

I guess you could look at it that way. Yeah. I never, girls never noticed boners when guys got them. Did you, Noah? Well, I remember like, when i would take the subway every morning to work there were a lot of men dressed in like those like khaki pants and i would see so many morning boners oh my god really yes the g-train bone uh would you be afraid're a guy that you would get a boner all the time?

Yes. Yeah. I mean, it's the same as if your period blood goes through your pants. I think it's probably the same amount of worry. Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to think when I got my first boner. Well, you get them young, actually.

Or in public. Do you remember having one in public at an awkward time? Not really. Me and my buddy rusty in spanish class we'd get boners and we'd make a move in our pants as jokes like that was a joke like look at our boner move and it just be just go from the right to the left hard nipples that's something girls have shame about they shouldn't and because it means it's either the room is cold or we're turned on right but men love like

the thing is they the other day my mom goes nikki you can see your boobs and i go do you mean my nipples she's like yeah and i go so what so what i have nipples like i i don't know what i i guess it's like it's distracting and people don't want to see that. Stop rubbing it in our face. My mom is very much like, she doesn't like when women try to flaunt their sexiness. She's just like, we get it. Cool. She thinks she's cool. That's so queer, she says.

Do you think she just isn't comfortable doing it herself? That's why. Yeah, she's never shown cleavage, ever. I've never seen my mom's cleavage. My mom has okay boobs. Yeah. Just kidding. They're great. Yeah, she's never shown cleavage ever. I've never seen my mom's cleavage. And my mom has okay boobs. Yeah. Just kidding.

They're great. Okay, one more thing. This was on Made Me Cry, the subreddit. It says no caption needed. Except, yes, there is. Because this was like a screenshot of a tweet. And with a picture. So it's a picture of, like dirt like look at the dirty um yeah it's like a cement floor and there's like a water splash and the water splash is like a

heart okay and it says today is the one year anniversary of my wife's passing as i walked into my shop i spilled my water she gave me a reminder that today will be just fine and it's like it looks like he murdered her in this cellar i mean like it's a really dirty basement oh it looks like blair witchy look at the splat of water i love little things like this why not you see a heart it's an easy shape for anything to be in the shape of um but i was also like it's just a splat of water your wife also could you know what if the water shape looked like a dick he'd be like she's thinking of me today like whatever it was it would be but it's it is sweet to see little

things like that i it didn't make me cry that's for dan fucking it did it did not oh it did not yeah it's rare that things on made me cry even have the ability to get even a little bit um here's another uh i didn't save this one but i just want to made me cry and let me just see if this this has 6 000.6 upvotes so this should be good how can people say cats don't have feelings like when my cat got deadly sick she refused to eat a single thing and it had been days but when i started crying she just ate a little bit and upon seeing how happy it made me kept doing it whenever she could now whenever i'm sad or crying she finds wherever i am with a mouthful of food and eats the pieces one by one.

Every time looking up at me, making sure I was watching her eat it all because she knew it made me happy and it does make me happy. Maybe that's what I need to do. Luigi. Luigi. Will you please eat?

Luigi, please. He just won't eat. And I've been buying, I buy him 1991.99 little, little trays of food of like his lamb. I hate buying lamb. Yeah. I picture the lamb going,

and just being like, mama, and I do it for you, Luigi, because you won't eat any food now. Maybe he wants to be vegan too. No, he definitely doesn't because he had some of your egg sandwich today and you loved

it he loved the egg sandwich oh jesus christ he is really i can't i can't tell whether he hates me or loves me and but i will say luigi now knows the podcast every morning and like today for the first time ever he was in the podcast room before we began or before i came in andrew was already in here setting up and then he was just sitting by the chair waiting for this time to happen he really loves this he's our talent handler yeah it's rare that he just we just sit down and talk you know we're always like running around and like he just loves this time it was really sweet and i'm so glad luigi's a bestie well we, we don't know. He definitely is. We'll see.

All right, guys. Thank you for listening to the podcast. He's got to be. We will be in Cancun tomorrow, but we've got an episode for you. Don't worry about that. And we are going to be in D.C. this weekend, as well as New York, Huntington. No, Tampa. Oh, Tampa.

Tampa Friday. Yes. D.C. Saturday. That's not true. Yeah. No, Tampa. Oh, Tampa. Tampa Friday. Yes. D.C. Saturday. That's not true. Yeah. No, it's not. It's Tampa Friday, D.C. Saturday. Are you sure?

Oh, yeah, you're right. Okay, Tampa Friday, D.C. Saturday. Next week is New York. Next, next week. And then I'm going to be in New York on Monday night performing with Jon Stewart, Bruce Springsteen, Jim Gaffigan, Brandi Carlile. No big deal. That's awesome. Not nervous at all. Don't know what I'm going to be in New York on Monday night performing with Jon Stewart, Bruce Springsteen, Jim Gaffigan, Brandi Carlile. No big deal.

That's awesome. Not nervous at all. Don't know what I'm going to wear. Not thinking about it until it happens because there's no point in worrying now. Jon Stewart, I fucking love him so much. I can't wait. I've met him, I think, one time in passing. But yes, I'm definitely going to try to have a moment

that I can tell my dad about so he likes me more. Not that my dad's love is infinite, but you know, I'd like a little, he'll just think it's cool. Maybe. Yeah. We don't know.

And the boss. I mean, come on. I mean, that's like the coolest lineup ever. And Brandy Carlson. I mean. I know it's sick.

It's crazy. And Nate Bargatze. Don't forget him. I call him the boss. Yeah. So it's going to be a little awkward. Guys, we got to go.

Thank you so much for listening. We'll see you tomorrow on the pod. Make sure you subscribe on our YouTube channel. Go rate my feed on WikiFeed and leave us a rate and review on, you know, wherever you listen to your podcasts. We'd really appreciate it. See you next time. Don't be cut.

And Jack. Robinson. interviews and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.