The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #131 The Busiest Blonde Woman

Episode Date: November 4, 2021

Between you and Nikki, being on an airplane and in the dentist's chair are two places she loves because no one expects an answer. Nikki also found a creative way to catch up on Squid Game. Andrew has his Cancun hat on as they get ready to leave for Just For Laughs Comedy Festival. Nikki explains more why waiting until the last second is a way of life that works for her. She also talks about a commercial deal that made her question the use of time. They recreate a mundane business zoom call and in the news they talk about dating turn offs and Jessica Simpson's honest take on being a hot mess. In Collection of Co'uhls, besties share their co'uhls from the wild. In the final thought, remembering contestants from American Idol vs. The Voice Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the Nikki Glaser Podcast. It's Wednesday.

It is, I thought we were gonna have a pre-recorded episode today, but no. Guys, I'm going to Mexico today. I forgot what time I'm leaving. I don't look at my day until the night before of what the next day holds for me. And today it held for me starting the day off with a podcast, which is going to be great because I'm going to feel accomplished. I'm going to go to a therapist after this and then off to Cancun. And I have two flights.

I'm going to sleep the whole time. I might give Andrew my business class seat because I just find that I cannot sleep comfortably. Oh, poor baby can't sleep comfortably in business class seat because i just find that i cannot sleep comfortably oh poor baby can't sleep comfortably in business yeah um yeah it's just like too cozy and like they keep offering me like hot towels and cocoa and it's annoying and free money i'm just like i have enough get it out of here um no it's uh just on some of these flights they don't have like a really nice business i mean if you can lay horizontally there's nothing better uh no have you ever been on a flight where you could lay flat oh my gosh the best it is insane how great it is i'm so sorry to those of you who haven't experienced it you will someday i believe that for you I may never again but boy is it just uh just a delight it you just have a bet

there's nothing like it but I will say let's say that's a 10 out of 10 experience on a flight right and I think that there are even better ones that I haven't discovered that are like you know your own private room on a plane like I think some of those like Korean air really treats you nice you get the whole you get like an apartment um and a masseuse and like you know it can be it can it can be way better than what I've experienced but then I would say it falls down pretty like there's a 10 out of 10 then we go to like a business class and if as long as I can recline it goes horizontal and then between that and anywhere else in between that I don't want it I either want horizontal or I want coach I do not want the in between because I just enjoy curling up in a little ball

next to the window. And so I might give Andrew, but Andrew always gets an aisle. So he's probably on the aisle and coach, which I'm not going to, not going to take, but maybe I can take his aisle seat, switch him up to business class. And then I off, I have to bargain with someone to switch because a lot of people like aisles. But I just love curling up next to a window. And yeah, I would rather have that than these seats. I just, there's something so maddening to me about paying more for something less comfortable. How do you like to be on a plane, Noah?

I definitely like the window, but I've been opting for the- Like to look out it or to lean lean lean and then you you got me that turtle uh neck brace thing that's a pillow yes it does look like a neck brace so um now i don't mind the aisle because i can like stretch my legs out and have a place to put my head with that thing i forgot about my my turtle. I have that in the other room. I should bring that just in case of tragedy. In case your neck breaks. Yes.

In case I get whiplash on the tarmac. Yeah, I can't wait to sleep on this plane. I just love it because, you know, although everyone knows there's Wi-Fi on planes now and you can be in touch with people, you always have the, the chance that your wifi could be down. And then you have the excuse of like,

I'm in space. Like I cannot talk. And not that I would ever lie about my wifi being down. If it's not like, it's almost like, why weren't you responding to these emails? I wouldn't say the wifi was down, but I would say I'm on a plane and they could just take it from there and uh you know it's so funny that the only time when you can be really

inaccessible to people and it be okay is like at swath of time. I feel it's pretty good. But other than that, during the day, we used to have times where we didn't have to, we were either in the, like we were away from the phone, we were away from our desk. You used to just leave your desk or office and like no one could get in touch with you and the secretary would like take notes. So you just had to stay in your office, I guess, all day. Like where people tethered to their desks and their phones the way we are of like just needing to be in touch.

It's so wild that I can't even fathom what it used to be like. I mean, at what age did you have your first job? What year? About? 10th grade, I think. What about you? I guess like my real first job was maybe at 18, 17, 18.

But it's even just, not even jobs, it's like people being in touch with you. You know, friends, anyone. I was at the dentist with my dad the other day took him to uh for a dental surgery thing and we were talking to the the surgeon and my dad's getting anesthesia for his uh he's having teeth pulled um he has some dead teeth and you know and bone loss and stuff my dad is such a healthy person and like has always flossed every day like my dad just health comes easy to him he's very much like

kirsten where he's just like i just like whole grains and um they're delicious and i love flossing it feels good like kirsten likes flossing kirsten loves putting in her invisalign kirsten loves washing out her invisalign kirsten loves stretching in the morning and like a big glass of water. She loves meditating. She loves early morning. Everything Kirsten loves is things other people are just like, ugh. And she just likes it. But my dad is that way.

But, you know, age creeps up on you and things start to deaden. And he's having three teeth removed. He's getting anesthesia. He's going under. He's going down to Australia to have his teeth pulled. And I had eight teeth pulled when I was a tot, like eighth grade for my goddamn braces. There's something that happened in St. Louis where all the orthodontists were just taking all the kids teeth out to make room for braces. Because also another guy, Lewis Howes, you know, Lewis, he's like, he has a podcast.

He's a self help guy. He's also from St. Louis. And he recently got veneers or something, new teeth, because he was from St. Louis and had too many teeth removed for braces. And I had eight teeth pulled. And I did not go under anesthesia. And I go, Dad, why? Just do local. It'll numb you out. Put on some headphones that have white noise so you can't hear the clunking and their grunting as they pull.

And then close your eyes. Because I asked the doctor how long the procedure was, five to ten minutes. I'm like, you're going to go under for a five to ten minute procedure? Just grin and bear it. But don't grin too hard, because you've got to have your mouth open. But if you had three teeth pulled, Noah, at the dentist, would you want to go completely out?

I'm going through this exact same thing right now I have to have four of my wisdom teeth pulled oh nervous as fuck I'm I'm going to go under right well I don't know so my dentist just told me like no first you make a consultation and they tell you what the possibilities are just let them know what your concerns are what you're afraid of because I thought you just go in them Why did you never have them pulled before? I feel like that's something you get done in your 20s. It's never happened? The dentist who told me to have them pulled

was like two years ago. And I was like committed to doing it. And then COVID hit. Right. So I just was like, okay, well now this is my excuse to delay it. Yes. And I just have to get them.

Why do you have to get them pulled? What happens? They just start. Okay. So we'll get a little technical there's uh like pockets in the gums because of the way that they're growing and food and like plaque gets stuck in there and then bacteria and infections and bone loss and all the things yeah yeah got it so you're gonna have your wisdom teeth pulled when are you doing it i don't know i'm so i have to do it but i'm so scared i'm so scared of it it does suck i remember i i was i remember my recovery recovery wasn't bad at all but i remember some friends having you know like they can get impacted and like you look like a chipmunk for several days and um yeah would you my dad just

doesn't want to hear the like he doesn't want to feel like he doesn't want to be awake while they're pulling teeth and i i get it because it's so like visceral but there's like i don't know you're whenever you have your mouth numb it doesn't feel like anything it feels like not like you just feels like there's someone it doesn't feel it i don't feel attachment to my mouth when it's numb and i i don't know i'm just very soothed by the dentist i love it it just makes me feel like no one can another that's it no one can get to me like if you're having dental work done no one everyone hates the dentist so much i don't but like oh just oh my god i'm sitting on my mom's just kidding just kidding i'm like why

am i hearing my mom's voice coming from my ass um oh julie uh she uh yeah i just feel i couldn't believe that my dad was just such a pussy i mean like not i was just like oh you wait five minutes you gotta go under i feel bad i gotta bully them i'm like dad just come on because i got eight teeth pulled and i got a root canal without like i just just put up with it it's not you get numb and it hurts to get the shot to get numb but it doesn't hurt that bad you can handle it but i guess some people just like have a lot of anxiety about the dentist but I just love it because no one can be if you're having tooth surgery or any tooth stuff no one talks no everyone knows you are off limits and when you're in the dentist chair with your mouth open staring

at the ceiling there are no expectations on you you are as good as dead to the world like truly no one expects you to do anything no one expect no one would be like you're a bad mom if your like daughter was like drowning and you were like it's like they'd be like oh that's fine like let her drown like you're at the dentist like it's a one time aside from being like in a coma, that no one expects anything of you. And I love it. You know, like when you're, that's why I like airplanes. That's why I like mine shafts. That's why I like dentists.

And because airplanes you like have to be on. Like I had to go on it. If you're like in, I'm trying to think of a, if you're in a movie, that's your choice. You're doing that for you. Like I have such, I always have to, you know, that's, this is a running theme in my life that I have to go through, struggle to reward myself with anything. To have a, to have time off from work, I must be getting a root canal. What does that say about me? I need a vacation. But the thing is, I would, I don't enjoy vacations. I'm off from work. I must be getting a root canal. What does that say about me? I need a vacation. But the thing is,

I don't enjoy vacations. I'm actually going to Cancun and I'm working the whole goddamn time. But it's fun work. That's why I chose fun work because I knew in order for me to feel like deserving of a life

and pleasure and rest, I have to work therefore all the time therefore try to make work fun i think this was probably my reasoning in choosing this uh job but i read um i read the synopsis for the first episode of squid game and i gotta be honest with you i cannot wait to get back to reading about squid game like i'm not watching squid game and i gotta be honest with you i cannot wait to get back to reading about squid game like i'm not watching squid game but i am just as obsessed with what happens next on squid squid game from the vulture.com recaps as anyone would be watching it i think this is my new thing dude i think i'm gonna consume i think I'm going to play a game where I read episode recaps of entire seasons.

And then I go toe to toe with Andrew, who has seen the shows. Oh, my God. And we find out who knows more, who grasps the show more, who has more appreciation for the show and i understand that i will be missing out visually on you know the cinematography and things like that however i will supplement with materials like uh visual materials like for instance i read the the squid game first episode description and they were talking about um the weird like doll like figure that like gives the rules for the game or like the the the weird doll there's some like doll that like oversees the game and i'm like what does this doll look like i can't get a good enough description

from i can't picture it from the even though vulture.com has the best television recaps, in my opinion, especially for the bachelor in paradise franchise, this girl named Allie Barthwell does bachelor in paradise recaps. Even if you don't like the show and I've never even heard of it, check out one of her recaps. They're so funny. I wrote her and was like, you're one of my favorite writers. And I was cracking up because just such a good writer.

And, but anyway, i went and looked at the the doll just to see what it looked like and um boy squid game is good i love this dark shit but i don't want to see it but i do want to because someone told me about the first episode and about what happens in that first scene wait a second noah did andrew tell us about the first episode the red light green light yeah Andrew tell us about the first episode? The red light, green light? Yeah, he told us on the podcast the other day.

That's my problem. I was about to tell you the whole first episode. And Andrew already told us. That's what got me into it. But I was like, you know what? I got to read it for myself. And I read it this morning at breakfast. I am so excited to get on the plane today.

And sit down and read the rest of Squid Game. And then I just realized it's like reading a book. What am I? I'm like, you know what? Sometimes reading can really be as good as TV. It's like, yeah, idiot. That's what a book is called. Like, I'm honestly, I just reverse discovered books, you guys.

Like, all they did was hire someone good, a good writer to write what they saw on tv and like you know much like books can become great tv shows maybe squid game was a book i don't know but i think i gotta read books again because i yeah instead of vulture recaps oh my god are you watching anything on tv no no i'm i'm really not are you reading a book are you reading any tv i think i'm just like no i'm just like being very boring these days i just have to take care of shit do you listen what are you doing from entertainment we just i mean music uh i guess we have citrus trees i've like been learning about how to take care of citrus trees like that's where i am in life right now that's cool so do you what do you

do you like google citrus tree stuff um google books like i'll go to the bookstore and just like History stuff? Google Books. Like, I'll go to the bookstore and just, like, parse through some books. Cutie. Oh, my God. You're living, like, that's, like, 1997 life. I want to take me back, Nikki. That is so cute that you go to the bookstore and are just like hmm just like booking picking a book and like doing the thing where you like claw it with your finger and you're like like you looking through books is asmr for me i want to like hear that recorded i'll facetime you next time and then

you like slowly page through it honestly that would be a great asmr um let's get andrew in here we gotta jet off to cancun pretty soon here. Cancun soon. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports

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Did you know that companies hire the most in the first two months of the year? Or that nearly half of workers are worried about being left behind? I am Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's Editor-at-Large for Jobs and Career Development. And my show, Get Hired, brings you all the information you need to, well, get hired. People are forming opinions of you even before you log into the Zoom or walk into the room. And so you really have to think about what is it I want to display. You don't plant a garden and then just walk away and expect it to thrive. You are in there pulling out the weeds. You're pruning it.

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Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. There you go. There you go. Perfect. Is that one of your hats? Well, it's my vacation hat. We're going to Mexico. Mucho gusto.

Wait, are you really going to wear that around the resort? Yeah. I love it. I was thinking about our live podcast. We're not going to have headphones on. Even so, be similar to this. That's true. I mean, I don't know what we're getting ourselves into.

I mean, the live podcast alarms me. It'll be 2 o'clock at poolside. I mean, there's... You know what alarms me is the wrong word. I just, I don't think about things until we go into them. It's my biggest fault, but I'm just gonna wing it. Look, I think we

go, everyone having fun out there? And then seven people... Why don't we do an aerobics class? That's what I picture happening poolside. Or like MTV Spring Break. That's what I want it to be, but I honestly think it'll be about 22 people

sparsely placed around the pool. There'll be a pool bar where more people are going to be paying attention. People are going to be talking. People are going to be talking. We're just going to have a conversation. Eventually, we're just going to go. We're not trying to win you over.

We're just going to talk for a little while. If you want to listen for the four people that are peeing in the shallow end, thank you for listening to us because i can't imagine that many people are going to go through customs go through covid stuff to get to see us tell dick jokes for 10 minutes i just and pussy joke well that's not what we do on the podcast i understand why they would go see stand up this podcast live podcasts are a different beast like they just are yeah that's why podcasts are better when they're not live by a pool at 2 p.m true outside it does it'll be fine

we'll make fun of it i'm gonna we'll have fun like i'm not nervous about it at all um i can't i can't be i mean i i just are is there anything in your life you're nervous about not really that's good I try not to get nervous anymore I try to like be in the moment and worry about it when it happens it's hard but yeah I don't know

I mean I don't I also like unlike you like if I had like a special to be working for of course I'd be not to make you nervous but yeah of course like a deadline of some sort like that that adds a whole different thing which it shouldn't but it does yes i know i get i get um that's where i start to feel guilty because i don't i my special is on the taping it on the 27th, and I don't think about it. When I think about it, I just stop thinking about it.

My friend came over yesterday and has some notes that he took during one of my performances that he watched. And I go, he's like, I really want to go through these notes with you. And I'm like, the thing is, I don't want to think about it. It's scary to me, and I'm like the thing is like I don't want to think about it's so it's scary to me and I'm so nervous I'm not nervous about it but I'm so overwhelmed by thinking about it and what it has to be and like I I'd rather wait till the last second and I just don't want to I I don't want to look at it yet until like the week of until it's the one thing on my plate that's looming and it's it's go time where there's no no turning back like i always write my best jokes last minute i always everything i do is last minute everything and you've done enough specials now and a month out yeah 23 days out to to be like oh my god like thinking about it even having calls about what

i'm gonna wear i'm like guys we have 23 days to pick out a fucking outfit i am not gonna have this conversation yet yeah i don't know what i want to wear in 23 days but they're like nikki this is a production we this is actually late for for when we're supposed to have we should have had this conversation three months ago i'm like why so they can grow the cotton to make the shirt that like what i could pick out an outfit the night before and it wouldn't change anything no offense to my hair and make to like my yeah wardrobe people wardrobe is important no one's saying it's not but i know that we can get it done the week before yeah you i just don You have a million other things going on. People love to prepare.

People love to prepare. It makes them feel like they're working. What I do is I make my life filled with things that I can just push till the last second. So I'm constantly doing things that have been pushed to the last second and there's no prep before any of them because prep is just bullshit that makes people feel like they're doing work and they're not because they only have one job yes but if you do a lot of jobs and you just do the amount of work that is actually necessary you can do so you can make more money you can do more things instead of just like some people just love okay but what's the difference between preparation and working hard?

I know. Maybe I'm just making an argument for my system, which is procrastination. No, because you often say that the best player ever works harder than everyone else. They do.

They don't talk about doing. They do. They don't write down notes about. I mean, listen. Yes, I could be a better comedian if I sat down with my notes every day. That's doing. I'm talking about like a call about doing. Yes.

And then a call about the call about doing. Yes. And a call about the. I'm so sick of calls. Yeah. I'm so sick of anything that can be done in an email. I mean, this isn't the first this is being said. There are so many meetings that happen

because people need to justify their fucking existence at a company and their position. Meetings do not need, they can be texts, they can be emails. So few things need to be a call. So many times, how often are you on a meeting or a Zoom meeting with people and it's

just 10 minutes of small talk until someone finally goes all right so let's get into it okay so so you get there goes 10 minutes of just bullshit where literally nothing interesting happens let's do a business no interesting information let's do yeah yeah like about company let's do let's do the podcast. What do we sell? Let's prep for the podcast right now. I was thinking that we sell like two prices. This is a call that doesn't happen though because we don't run stuff like that. We don't, but let's say

if we were doing a call about the podcast. Alright, so yeah. And by the way, this happens all the time for other podcasts. They might be better than ours. So maybe this will help us, but here's what I'm doing. I'm making the preparation part of the job yes i'm fitting in so now i'm making it's inside the yeah this isn't wasting my time no because this is the job yes okay and this let's just try to and you know what we have

to keep it entertaining thus it makes it fun for us so even if this conversation was happening outside the podcast it wouldn't be this fun. So I'm amping up the fun of a thing because I'm making it part of the job. Let's be honest we don't want to see the Friends writers room while we're making. Only like one scene. I do want to see the behind

the scenes of Friends. That should be a show. Make a show of the prep. That's why I don't know. Alright go ahead. You're All right. Go ahead. Okay. You're calling this meeting? Yeah. Okay.

All right. Noah, are you on? I can't really see her. Is she on? Oh, oops. I'm sorry. I was on mute. I'm here.

Oh, hi. Hey. Hey, Noah. How's it going? How are you? Good. What's going on with you? Oh, I like that sweater.

I like that hat. Is it hot where you are? It's Arizona. Oh, I like that sweater. I like that hat. Is it hot where you are? It's Arizona. Oh, so probably. Yeah. Oh, it's great. It's probably hotter than here then. Nice.

It's cold here today. Yeah. Than usual. Oh, I haven't even been outside yet. Yeah, it's 45. Is it really? Yeah, it's real cold. I had to wear two layers.

I just hate you. It comes on so quickly, you know, the cold. Yeah. It's just like out of nowhere. What about the heat? real cold i had to wear two layers i just hate you it comes on so quickly you know the cold yeah it just like out of nowhere what about the heat you don't even get any like kind of break in between like it's unbearably hot and then cold okay but yeah so what you want to talk about the podcast um we got to it a little fast i think oh the small talk could have kept going i think for another 20 minutes did you guys go to starbucks this? Yes. Yes. Oh my gosh. Got the regular. Love it.

Love my Starbucks. Oh my God. There was a crazy thing that happened at Starbucks today. Oh, we can't even get into it. No, let me tell you. Do you want to tell her? Oh my God. So wait, hold on.

You guys, I'm going to quickly just like let the dog out. Yeah. Let the dog out. I'll talk to him about something else before we get into it. Can you, is it cool if I just said, yeah, it's cool. I'm going to take about 30 seconds to ask if it's cool that I take another 30 seconds.

Yeah, it's cool. And then when I take that 30 seconds, it's going to, I'm going to come back and thank you guys for another 30 seconds about taking the 30 seconds. So I'm actually going to add a minute to the 30 seconds instead of just doing five seconds. So cool. Okay. So we're at Starbucks.

This is wild. The guy writes my name. I say, Andrew. He writes down dumb fuckface. You just hear a gunshot from the other room. He wrote down dumb fuckface. No. And I was like, that's not my name.

Actually, that would be a very cool anecdote for a Zoom meeting. It is. Are you back from the dog yet? Yeah. No, no. Did you hear I blew my head off in the next room? Oh, I didn't even listen. There's the sound of a gunshot.

Should we keep going on though? I mean. With your lifeless body? Yeah, I'm sure it was nothing. She's the host of the Zoom meeting, so it can't end until she ends it. Oh, yeah, it can't end. It might expire because I didn't pay the $4.99 a month or whatever. Okay.

So, guys. Yes. Let's get down to it. All right. So we're going to Mexico. Wow. So excited. I got suntan lotion. Okay.

Okay. So we're thinking for the... So it's going to be... We already know all the things that are happening because we all got an email about where it's going to be and what time okay um so let's just like talk about that time again so it's going to be at two o'clock okay so we'll probably get there that's early we all know that you generally get somewhere about 15 minutes before or like we could probably text about the time to arrive let's just talk about again like when the show is it's at two okay two p.m. And then we are going to talk about when we should arrive,

which is probably a half hour before. You know what? I might bring my makeup there. Okay. That's a thing you guys don't need to know, but it fills up some time in this meeting to make me feel like I did something today. Should I wear sandals or shoes?

You know, I feel like our shoes are going to be seen on the video. Noah, can we check? Can you send an email real quick and then we will just wait for a response? It's going to be seen. How about you text the person that has the info about that and then we wait for a response like you're about to get it and you'll go, hold on, he's writing back. Oh, wait. No, that's...

She's writing now. Actually, they're not writing back. Actually, I'll just wait. I'll let you guys know when he writes me back. Okay. Let us know. You know how when that happens during a meeting? Yeah, I'll be waiting. When they go, let me just call him right now and then you just Actually, I'll just wait. I'll let you guys know when he writes me back. Okay. Let us know. You know how when that happens during a meeting? Yeah, I'll be waiting.

When they go, let me just call him right now, and then I'll have to listen to it ringing. And then you go, you know what? When he writes me back, I'll let you know. Okay. Which you should have done in the first place. So I think shoes. So we're going to talk. Yes.

I say we open up. Will the sun be out at 2? I'm just wondering what the situation will be. Do we have the sunglasses? Yeah. Okay. So there's going to be sun. There's going to be water in the pool.

You're going to be shaded. Now it's like a spring break vibe. Should we have a beach ball? Should we have anything like fun pool related that we can play around with the audience? Or do we just keep it more what we usually do i mean i don't know how we should go about this should it be party time i love it oh my god a beach ball i love it oh thanks oh my god uh i have the craziest story about a beach ball but i'll just i can't even oh my god but that reminds me of a thing of it okay i'll shelve it

we'll have another meeting about that guys there's only five minutes left in the zoom meeting okay well we I think we accomplished a lot yeah I feel like more confident um let's wrap this up and when I say that I mean let's talk for about 30 more minutes yes about sure and and then after that we're gonna close it with like just some general bullshit again, maybe kind of referencing things we talked about in the beginning. And then we'll sign off the meeting and go, ugh. And then I'll make my eighth bowl of oatmeal for the day.

I mean, that sounds fantastic. And shove it down my face. Can I just go over some numbers real quick? Almost like a hurtful way. Do you mind if I go over some numbers? Yeah, I'd love. What are some of the numbers? So an average podcast is about an hour and four minutes, give or take.

Minus four plus six. And a lot of people, what they don't understand is that the attention span of a regular listener is only about 42 minutes. So if you take 42 divided by an hour, which is 64 minutes, you're looking at not a great percentage. You're looking at a couple numbers that... For sure. So then if you take that, you subtract actually advertising,

which is another five, six minutes. Don't forget download speeds. Download speed, especially if you're still on AOL and you have that old school computer. It's going to's going to be retention rates and the drop-off effect not to mention now these people listening are going to be in water they're going to be swimming they're going to be in the shallow then deep end i'm really glad we had this meeting so i'm just saying that it's going to be harder than you think so when you run the numbers plus the pool minus the attention span times how long

the podcast goes for you're going to realize that this is going to be difficult. But I really feel like we're going to be able to accomplish it with the beach ball. Thank you very much. On this note of like – so I recently got an offer for like a commercial kind of thing. Oh, nice. Yeah. It's actually, you know, I get these every so often. And this one is actually like a cause I believe in. You can maybe guess what it's about.

And it's about me. It's about anal sex. It's just anal lubes. Vegan anal lubes. Wow. Yeah. Edible? Of course. Yeah. Yeah yeah does it taste like actual

hamburger you have to drink it um yeah it's the impossible anal lube can you imagine i want to make an anal lube vegan that tastes exactly like impossible burger crumbles yesterday on top of my salad yeah great holy fuck dude it's not it's no joke it's so good you know like i don't i i know someone um who has made this point so i'm kind of stealing this this this point but i i think vegan meat brands and stuff do themselves a disservice when they compare themselves like it tastes just like chicken like it doesn't need to be a different taste it doesn't invalidate that it's a good it could be better you know

you know it doesn't need to because when you start doing that that's when the meat eaters are like it doesn't taste the same and then they go fuck it and then they're like almost there they convince themselves that it's terrible because of you know it's it's trying to be this thing that whatever so um what's the commercial i can't say yet because i mean they offered it

but it might not work with my schedule but it's a it's a vegan kind of it's a it's a it's a vegan meat and i'm really excited about it and i can't wait to do it if I get to do it. But it might not work for my schedule. But they give you all these terms and what you need to do socially, what's going to be required of you based on the hours. And then they're like, it's this many hours of shooting in this amount of time span. They're like five hours of shooting in an eight hour window so that means like it could be three hours here and then you know five uh two hours four hours later whatever um and then uh that doesn't include glam which is another two hours so and then they were like and then you need to have a call about you know being a brand ambassador and like what that means

and how and and the call they even say the call is going to be a 60 minute call and, you know, being a brand ambassador and like what that means and how, and, and the call, they even say the call is going to be a 60 minute call. And so, you know, whenever someone gives you an offer in this business, which I did not know, I just would take any, if I didn't have agents, I would just go, okay, great. Yeah. Story of my life. But the thing is they low ball you. Yeah. I didn't know that. Like, I don't, I, I think people are earnestly... It's a good amount of money, but I was like, oh my God, we can get more. It's just I don't have the time for it.

So for me to do it, it has to be like squid game money. So they're going to murder me if I don't. For 40 billion yen. Yeah. So they, but they came back with another offer and they cut the prep call down to 30 minutes. And I go,

are they going to talk faster? Like, first of all, like, why did we need to have an hour if the prep call could have been 30 minutes? Why wasn't it initially? Like, what do they get? I understand they get more material from me if we do six hours of shooting and we now we whittled it down to four so they're doing something

that is of disservice to them because they would get more content out of me with six it's your time they're they're guaranteeing themselves an hour of your time exactly but what they're in that 60 minutes where they're teaching me about the brand and about talking points and stuff, I know that maybe they can get more information

out in that time that I can then go and I have to do interviews and stuff about this and do press, which I would be happy to do because I believe in the product, but if they can get it

in 30 minutes, why not be, why aren't all meetings what they could be? Why do we want more for their money? If hairstylists can do a job in two hours, why don't we do it in two hours instead of six? Listen, though, are they offering the same amount of money

and saying that you have to do less time? More money. And do less time? Yes. So did you counter that you want a shorter? Yes, we countered we want more money and less amount of time okay and we got it interesting yeah but it was it that doesn't interest me like in terms of like mike because my point is the the only thing that interests me is the call

that i'm having with the executives that has nothing to do with content they get it's just teaching me about the brand if you can do that call if if you come back to me and say we've shortened that call to 30 minutes what they've just done there is cut down on the bullshit they've cut out hi nikki yes i watched f boy island ah like they're cutting let's cut that from every meeting let's just get down to brass tax and if you actually like someone take it offline and have a conversation about it. Well, where did they take that half hour out of, though? They took that half hour out of my prep call.

No, I understand that. But then you wanted shorter, probably film time. Yeah, they took those down, too, from six hours to four hours. From six to four. Yeah. Did they keep anything almost the same? No. They cut everything about half?

Everything. My social posts went down. My number of interviews I have to do went down. Everything went down. Money went up. And that is the beauty of show business and having agents. That's why you have agents. That's why they take 10% of every dime I make. And then my manager takes another 10% of every dime I make.

And then my lawyer takes 5% of every dime I make. I didn't know this. 25% of my income before taxes. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. So long. And then after that, so whenever I make a check and I see that check, I go, so long, 45%.

I just kiss it goodbye. I even slice it in half. So I guess I got to, your agent and manager need to make more than – they got to ask for 20% more of what you originally were offered to make them worth anything. Yeah, pretty much. I mean essentially what they got me was their money. But that's my money. That's actually money to me so and

i listen i'm never i'm number one of those people that's like i have to give 25 off like i'm saying that kind of shocked because i've never really looked into it and for the first time ever this year i got the courage to ask my business manager how much do my managers and lawyers take by the way i've never known and they've been taking i've had a manager and agent taking money for you know over 10 years and i've always been like do they take 20 each or like i don't know numbers and you're a big numbers guy you even wanted to go over them in our zoom meeting yeah i mean i could go over your agent's numbers real quick i mean 10 over about 10 years that's perpetuity which i don't know if you know that word. Can I?

Yeah, I know it from Shark Tank. You actually do know that word? Yeah, but I do want to say I love my managers and agents. They've made me more money than they've taken from me for sure. And so has my business manager. He's a very good person.

My lawyer is a snake, but that's why I love him because he fights for me. And he's the one that famously when I was crossing the street in Montreal going to dinner with him at the just for last festival in 2014 he saw a bus coming like i was going to dinner with my lawyer lev ginsburg who i truly love but there was a bus coming and i like oh it looked like i was getting too close to it so he was like whoa nikki and he

like kind of held me back like don't don't even try to cross yet you're gonna get hit and i go that's so sweet and he goes no no it's not about you and your money to me hilarious he's like you're my daughter's swim lessons i was like that's what he said he didn't say that but that's what he's saving he's like you're my wife's uh you know pilates uh instructor yeah i'm sure in 10 years he'll be like, no, just keep going. Keep going. Yeah, he's like, please,

it's too hard to let you go personally. But I will say that last night before we get to the news, my manager, it was the best thing that has ever been said to me, complimentary wise from my manager. And he says a lot of nice things and he is just one of the nicest guys

and such a champion of mine. But yesterday he got me on a call with the woman that sets up all the, like this like, she organized the commercial. Like, so there's a group of agents at my agency that get you endorsement deals. And she, Lauren, he was patching,

he was like, Nikki, we're on the phone with lauren lauren uh here's nikki um also known as legitimately the busiest one woman in show business and hearing that from my manager who has you know gaffigan jim jeffries he's had woman that's oh shit okay holy shit He's had woman. That's, oh, shit. Okay. Holy shit. You know what?

I take that back, Alex. I need you to be less specific. The busiest blonde woman named Nikki on this phone call. Almost got hit by a bus in 2014. I think he would have said anything. Yes. No, it's very nice. It's very nice.

Why was that so validating to hear that I'm busy? Because he knows busy. When my mom goes, you're so busy. I go, what do you know about busy? Alex Murray knows busy. Yeah, he's show business. And to know that I'm busy. Yeah, he knows show business busy. And it was just validating.

I needed to hear it from him. I like your shoes. Let's get to the news. Oh, thanks. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. I needed to hear it from him. I like your shoes. Let's get to the news. Oh, thanks. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. It's Wednesday, folks.

You know what that means? It's Wednesday. I hope you're having all the swells. And if you're not, well, tomorrow's another day. Just kidding. Shit. Really invalidated everything. Thanks, manager.

Okay, men with golden penis syndrome. Oh, I've heard about this. really invalidated everything. Thanks manager. Okay. Men with golden penis syndrome. Oh, I've heard about that. And arrogance that stems from the assumption that a steady supply of females will be sexually interested in them are ruining sex and dating for women. So a study shows that only in college, it's 40% is male.

And then in New York, like for example, it's three to one girl to guy ratio. What is that about? I think more females are born. This is college age students, by the way. So more women are going to college than men. I think there's just more women in the United States than men.

Birth rate is always pretty much around 50, maybe 51 at most. But it never deviates that much. I think also potentially women that just graduated college, that moved to New York, maybe their parents are more inclined to help them financially. Felicity did just come out on Netflix. And so more girls are just like, I'm going to go to New York. But I think it's been that way for a long time in New York City.

It could be their dad pays for sex in the city. It could be cultural things like that. That's why I wanted to go to NYU is Felicity. Oh, I didn't even know that was filmed in New York. Yeah. Oh, she followed Ben there. So, yeah, so these guys have an endless buffet of women so why why end up with just one and they're saying that this is creating men to be just rude kind of dismissive ghosting

girls girls have written me on um instagram bussy's dm me that they one in particular was saying that she was talking to a guy on bumble and the second she she said something that was just like oh i either i'm not i'm not interested or you know in a very polite way and he's like fat shamed her and what's like why would you ever do that oh like who how could you even it you know what made me like i understand there's people out there like that. But how could this sweet girl who's a fan of the show, she's obviously a smart person and a nice person, be tricked into swiping right on this guy? So he had enough on his profile to indicate that he was a normal person. I mean this person isn't just swiping blindly right. and that guy that appears like a good person could then fat shame you and your dms before you even

meet him this kind of yeah this toot of i mean we all know that getting cat calls and you go fuck you and they go i wouldn't want you anyway fucking slut and you're like i'm a slut because i don't want to fuck you yeah i mean that's a lot of what it is he probably just added fat there but i mean it was just rejection and then he was like well i'm better than you my fucking bed's gonna explode like fuck you but i the only thing that i think that might be going through his brain is that he's on bumble she swiped she said hello so obviously she's interested you know and he's probably thinking oh she, she's at, you know, guys will think she's. It's so sad to have a guy think you're fat and harbor that until they wait for a time. Or to think that, or to harbor these thoughts about you that make them feel like you're lesser. Well, what will happen is I think guys assume you're easier because you don't like yourself as much because you're overweight.

So therefore you'll be more willing to fuck the first night. Honestly, it's the other way around. Or a bruised ego. You know, he was rejected. Yeah, yeah. But I was wondering, have you, I don't know if on a date, or have you gotten a message on a dating app

that was just like, what the hell? Anything that sticks out? I've gotten a lot of dms that are just like why would you ever think you had a shot like that i'm almost offended that they think like you're coming to dayton for one night i'm you're coming to columbus for one night i would love to take you out and it's a guy that like first first of all, his account is private, but then you see his little picture and it's a guy with like, you know, those dumb glasses that have like a blue tint on them.

I don't even know. Like they're like running glasses. And he's like, God, he's, he looks, he just looks like a tool. Like there's nothing about his profile that would look cool.

And he's just, and he's misspelled some things and hasn't made his profile. He's told me nothing about him. I would just go, you know what? Mysterious. Yeah. So mysterious. No, I think like- They really think that's enough or something.

Or that they saw one thing where I'm like, I want a boyfriend as like, you know, I was being, I was exaggerating. I've had people offer me money to put me in touch with you this guy goes how much is it gonna take and then i read up on his comments like three up the guy's married yeah like he told me he was married like three comments before that and then he goes how much is it gonna take and i was like i mean that's why i'm not impressed numbers that's why i need an agent. I just go. I need an agent to whore you out. For 30 minutes of my time.

Get it down to 15 and I'll talk. What if I gave you part of the money and you were in on it? Should I write this guy and be like, $50,000? It'd be so funny. And I'll give you 45. I mean, there used to be that guy that would offer me just to give me money because he just wanted to give me money

oh yeah remember that guy I mean it's so hard to say no he used to just want to buy me things and like with nothing in return

a sugar daddy I wanted nothing in return but sugar daddies want something in return they want your company they want you to go to dinner with them even

most likely sexual favors they want something this guy was far away and just wanted to send me money and necklaces and jewelry and fine things. And it's a kink. They have a fetish. And I was almost like, why wouldn't I? Why would I not accept free money?

Would he Venmo it or did you have to meet him? No, I think he, this was, I think I did the first, the only time I like accepted money, because there's been a few of these people. I think it was 2006, 15 or 16. And I was like, yeah, I'll take 500 fucking bucks for PayPal. Yeah, why not? You don't know my address.

I don't know who you are. I've made it clear that you will get nothing from this. Fans have a better chance of getting free tickets from me just writing a DM being like, I can't afford it. I'm really sorry or whatever. Then they would if they're like, I'll send you money for free tickets

because then it creates an exchange. I told this guy, you get nothing ever, ever, ever. That probably turned him on. I think it did. No, what he got is you talking about this right it's just it's in your head no i'm not saying it's a lot i'm just saying that's what he got like he knows that i use that money he is in your brain it's financial control it's just like oh even like if he like bought me shoes and he sees him wear me wear them on tv it's like i have a part in her life and if he's if he doesn't have my address and he sees them wear me wear them on tv it's like i have a part in her

life and if he's if he doesn't have my address and he can't get me like why would i turn that down that is let me make it clear do not offer me these things because i will turn it down because i can't that is a slippery slope and i have had those guys in the past be like why aren't you talking to me like yeah so nothing back and i'm like'm busy. And we had a deal. You get nothing. This is why cameo exists. Like, and company and only fans.

It, it almost like cameo is what we just were talking about, but it makes it more like legit. So it doesn't feel like you're whoring yourself out. I told my dad yesterday, but you were talking to my parents about my act and like how they feel about me. You know,

being, I said, I felt like a porn star a lot of times because I talk about porn, like talk pornographically on stage. And then sometimes I just feel like people are like, when I walk into a room, if they've just watched my special and it was the one that in which it was highly sexual,

they're almost like kind of have this nervous, like boner energy around me. Or they're like to keep the kids away. Like there's just a black sheep thing that some people put on me of like, you're a nasty girl. You're a bad girl. And I was telling my parents that. And they were like, you know, you do you, Nikki. Like it doesn't we know you're you're a good person I go well why is why

is sex connotated with even being a bad person like why you don't need to say I'm a good person because there's nothing about me talking openly about sex that should make you think I'm a bad person and then my mom goes I go what if I did porn and they my dad goes no you you're not that type of girl and I go what is what type of girls is that, dad? And he's like, that is not just giving it away for free. And I go, who says it would be for free? He's like putting that out there. And I go, dad, you saying I can't do porn makes me want to do porn so bad.

And not to be like, I want to make you uncomfortable, dad, but to prove the hypocrisy of what you're saying. Like you think that porn stars are bad people that there's something morally corrupt about them and of course yes the men involved in porn sometimes there can be moral corruption in porn for sure just like in any business like i don't know uh show business but i almost you know i've always said that I wanted to do porn because I would like to bridge the – I would like to show that it's normal and be like, oh my gosh, this girl that we all accepted on NBC is now doing porn. But then I would be – I can't do porn because I would be ostracized. The business does not allow it because being free about sex and being open with your body is a moral issue.

And people just go – if you're a stripper, you're a a different type she's on the wrong side of the tracks yeah and it's just like i just it made me want to do porn so bad i go mom dad don't tell me not to do porn because i and they go do porn do it nikki we would support you because they want they are doing reverse psychology because it really there's something about when people go that would make when i know for a fact that like i know i'm right being open about sex and putting it out there for the masses to consume is not a bad thing yeah because i go dad have you never consumed porn so so the things these women that you're consuming the entertainment of from time to time he goes well i'm not addicted to it i'm like well that's not the answer that's not what i was asking so it's either you're addicted to it or you don't watch it at all like

give me a break you people enjoy porn but they act like porn stars are the worst people in the world it's like it's like be how has porn become beheading videos where the people in them are like the scourge of society yet, you know. I feel like there is a gap being bridged there, though. Like, there's this porn star, Lana Rhodes. There's a couple other porn stars. Never heard of her. She has 16 million followers on Instagram. I get it, but like, is she in mainstream movies?

No, no, but my point is is that she's in mainstream YouTube culture, which I know isn't... Yeah, that's good. But she is... But even YouTube is separate. But she's not seen as... She's actually put on a pedestal

by, I mean, a lot of like, you know, 18, 19-year-olds. And that's the type of porn. Pedestal fucking. Yeah, pedestal fucking where they turn it over. They squat on a pedestal. It's pretty hot.

Yeah, very Greek. But like, there are porn stars like that that you know that are on barstool a lot that are seen outside of just sucking and fucking where they oh they're selling merch and they're like you know whatever they're getting uh brand deals they're getting they're seen more as like oh these are like movie stars almost to these people. So it is starting to, I think, change the conversation. It's very crazy to be able – that's why I'm so in awe of them is because I just can't believe – how could you do that? It's like I'm – it's the same as like cliff diving or those guys that flow through the air like little flying squirrels and then like barely hit the ground that's porn to me that's how i look at porn stars i'm just like oh my god it's so cool that you do that i'm so glad i get to watch it yes but i i'm like i could

never do that but it's not like i'm like i don't think cliff jumpers are bad people are like don't have him at our family dinner party i look at it literally the same way of like because actually porn stars do look at sex very like they almost look at like ah it's just like like the way we look at comedy or or being on stage people go oh my god how could you go on stage and they're just like they're less crazy and like weird about sex than the people that would be weird about having them at the dinner party. Do you know I'm saying? No, I do.

Or Thanksgiving dinner or whatever. I do. All right. Let's get to why do I care after this break. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with the daily show ears edition podcast dive into john's unique take on the biggest topics in politics entertainment sports and more joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors and with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else

ready to laugh and stay informed listen on the the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head.

But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community. And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Duda Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer.

If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, the insights behind what it takes to create a world-renowned product, then tune into my podcast, Building One. There's so much to learn, like how Patagonia innovates with its supply chain. We had to go out to farmers and convince them it was really damn hard. Or the way Adobe thinks about the first interaction somebody has with Photoshop. I was always so fascinated by how people navigate and find their way. Ever wanted to know how Nike builds emotion into the Jordan brand? You have to be obsessed with the current state of the human condition. And it doesn't stop there. What about how Gleam reinvented knowledge search with AI?

You can learn about how a Michelin star chef is redesigning seeds for flavor and how Pixar is nurturing a creative culture. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. Did you know that companies hire the most in the first two months of the year, or that nearly half of workers are worried about being left behind? I am Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's Editor-at-Large for Jobs and Career Development, and my show Get Hired brings you all the information you need to, well, get hired. People are forming opinions of you even before you log into the Zoom or walk

into the room, and so you really have to think about what is it I want to display. You don't plant a garden and then just walk away and expect it to thrive, you are in there pulling out the weeds. You're pruning it. You're watering it. It's the same thing with your network. You should always be in there actively managing your network. If you don't feel confident to say a number, even admitting that to a recruiter is going to be far better than saying, well, what is your budget for the role? A lot is in the follow-up, right? Don't wait to follow up. Whether you're a new grad, an established professional, or contemplating a career change, Get Hired is for you. Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you like to listen.

Hey, you guys. I'm Katherine Legg. I'm a racing driver who's literally driven everything with four wheels across the planet. And I've got a new podcast. It's called Throttle Therapy. This season, I'm gearing up to make history, competing in some of the world's most notorious racing events, starting at the Indy 500. Join me as I travel from racetrack to racetrack in my quest to continue a memorable career in racing. I'm also going to bring you inside stories with legends of sports, new faces from the next generation of auto racing,

and conversations with the people who've supported me throughout my career. We'll be getting into everything from karting to NASCAR, even Formula One. Whether you dream about being a pro athlete or an astronaut, we're talking about what it takes to make it. Listen to Thrustle Therapy with Catherine Legg, an iHeart women's sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Why do I care? Why do I care?

Okay, so Nick Lachey. I know him. Personal friend. He won't read Jessica Simpson's book. I lived it for use for her version. Won't or can't. Refuses to. Okay.

Yeah, I guess he could do the audio book. Or the Vulture recap. Call back. Or Blinkist. Real cold call back. Oh my God, I just was checking my subscriptions on Apple Pay. Oh God. I paid $99 for a Blinkist prescription subscription for a year.

I got to get back into it. I do like it. I do too. And I have audio books too. I have like 19 credits that I haven't used. Dude. Okay. So Nick Lachey won't read Jessica Sitts' book, which by the way, I heard was great.

I got to read her book because I'm writing a book right now. And hers is one that everyone goes, didn think it was gonna be good but is yeah because people are like oh chicken under sea you know and then they're like she must be an idiot i really like her of all the pop stars did you see her her latest instagram post yeah so she's been silver for four years and she put up a photo of her in 2000 it doesn't even look like you would never even know it was her if you you got out, she had a problem. Yeah. She was drunk a lot working.

And so she put up this photo, no makeup, all that stuff. It was the day she realized that she wanted to be sober. Oh wait, the picture that she put up. Wait, I want to look at it.

I love it. I don't even recognize her. Really? Yeah. It's pretty incredible. She has three kids now. She looks so happy. I didn't,

you know, I'm not going to lie. Like, I kind of forgot about her. And then you check out her Instagram, and it has like 600,000 likes. She's more successful than, oh, my God. This person is in the early morning of November 1st, 2017, is an unrecognizable version of myself. I had so much self-discovery to unlock and explore. I knew in this very moment I would allow myself to take back my light,

show victory over my internal battle of self-respect and brave this world with piercing clarity personally to do this i need to stop drinking alcohol because it kept my mind and heart circling in the same direction and quite honestly i was exhausted um i wanted to feel the pain so i could carry it like a badge of honor i wanted to live as a leader does and break the cycles to advance forward never looking back with regret and remorse over any choice i have made and would make for the rest of my time here within this beautiful world i love this yeah she's yeah four years i think this is a good thing there's so much stigma around the world alcoholism or the label of an alcoholic the real world that needed to be done and work that needed to be done in my life was to actually accept failure pain brokenness

and self-sabotage the drinking wasn't the issue i was i didn't love myself i didn't respect my own power today i do i have made nice with the fears and i've accepted the parts of my life that are just sad i own my personal power with soulful courage i am wildly honest and comfortably open i am free love you jessica simpson listen like obviously she's she's done it like the had the so much of that is what I feel like I had last year when I stopped starving myself and like you know dieting or abusing myself with food it's still a struggle much like I'm sure she still has days where she wants to drink or is does something selfish or like you know what she still has days where she wants to drink or is, does something selfish or like, you know what she's saying is like drinking is not the issue.

Me starving myself wasn't the issue. Me wanting to be thin wasn't the issue. It's me loving myself. And if you are abusing yourself with any substance, it's not the, it's not the drug. It's not like, it's just, you don't like yourself and you

don't accept yourself and and it's so hard to do but it is possible um even though god i mean there there are two days ago i could not accept myself i was teetering on the brink of hurt you know i was hurting myself with my the mantras to myself i was hurting myself and just the my room being messy i mean i find other ways to abuse myself even if it's not with alcohol marijuana or i wonder if she like starving misses performing and misses singing and like you know that was such a i mean i guess the big part of her life now is being a mother and her clothing brand. Billionaire.

Shoes. Oh, really? She ended up having a shoe line? She's richer than Brittany, Christina, and all those girls, Mandy combined. It is interesting, though. You become such a big... If you had a brand and then you just stopped doing comedy...

I don't want to make more trash for the world if i could create like rihanna became a billionaire off of brands like if i don't know it's just interesting to me though it's sad to me though a little bit that these you know they're not they're so talented they could put out so much amazing creative work but that's what she's like i bet you will get an album from her that will be probably won't sell well no offense because it's like that music it doesn't do like mariah carey just released another like christmas song and i just don't think it's gonna do as well even though she's made the most popular christmas song of all time like but i bet her album that she makes whether it does well or not it won't matter you know the artists that weigh their worth on sales yes they aren't sober like she is like she has done the

work you can tell where and you know i'm not if she's doing the work and i know when i do the work it's nothing matt like it doesn't matter and that's almost gets in my way like with this special coming up I just know that if it's the worst thing I've ever put out and I bomb it and I'm totally unprepared and I totally fucked up by not preparing more I was gonna say the guy that was gonna give me notes I said to him I was like I don't wanna I don't wanna go over notes I don't wanna go over my acting he goes you need to and it was just like a rude awakening of like you're right someone needed to like slap me in the face and be like nikki it's time to do the work like it's looming yeah and i feel though that if i get to that point and i record it it was always meant to be that special like i the fact that i didn't work on it wasn't because i was lazy it was because i just couldn't i couldn't and the fact that I had to record that special with everything going on in my life that led me to

not be able to prepare that special is meant to be whatever it is and I'm not having any regrets anymore it's one of the chapters I'm working on for my book is um dealing with regret because I when I was going through immense regret over like forgetting to say jokes or like a one Conan interview I did where I just didn't feel like it was very good and I was like, why didn't I say this? I could have said this joke.

I remember just scouring anything for like a podcast about regret. Like how do you get over regret? And there was like not a lot of resources for me. So I'm going to write something about it because I really am at the point now where I just go, it was meant to be that way.

It was always going to be that way. And Kirsten the other day lost a pair of sunglasses on the way here when she flew. They fell out of her bag at TSA. And she doesn't lose things. She's just a very organized person and she takes care of her things.

And they were like $50 sunglasses and she lost them. And usually if Kirsten loses something, I hear about it constantly because she just talks about things in her life that especially things like that, like I lost something that is so unlike me. I would have heard about it.

She didn't tell me about it for three days. And then she goes, oh yeah, I lost my sunglasses on the way here. She goes, but when I realized I lost them I heard your voice in my head from the podcast saying I was never meant to have those sunglasses I was only meant to have them for that amount of time they are meant to go would be with someone else after that and they weren't mine to have they were always going to be lost in that moment there was nothing i could have done and that was that's where they should be and and i go that's why i haven't heard you obsess over these sunglasses because i yeah be easy on yourself yeah i'm so i'm so glad that that got out there because i've it's helped me so much and i sometimes say things on here where i'm like

does this help anyone because it that that kind that kind of thing helps me when I lose something or I make a you know, I am in a fender bender or something I'm just like, God, why didn't I just tie my shoe and then I wouldn't have been in this exact moment. Like these little things I could have done differently. It's like, stop it. It was, oh, there's

nothing. You didn't know. There's nothing you could have done. But you know what I can do is get to Collection of Kiz. Getting ready for some kiz. There's K you didn't know. There's nothing you could have done. But you know what I can do is get to collection of Kis. Kis. Getting ready for some Kis. There's Kirsten. Hit or Kis. So Kis.

So Kis. I was actually talking to my lover last night and someone that I, you know'm hooking up with and my partner he was saying he's never acknowledged and it's always been kind of a thing in our relationship where i'm like like whenever i say he just goes kind of like okay like it just kind of like i can tell it like it's just not something he's just like accepting and then last night he was like, I have some thoughts about Keur. And I was like, what? It was almost like he got down on one knee. I was like, wait, wait, you're acknowledging Keur?

And he was like, he goes, you guys need to put out a Keur book. Like a Urban Outfitters book of all of our submissions of Keur, the Keur's things, and make a book of Kers. And so I think that's our first branding thing for the podcast.

I like it. Collection of Kers. Okay, let's hear this first one. Okay, this first one didn't leave a name, I don't think. Kers. Hi, Nikki, Noah, and Andrew. I'm calling in because I have a Kers from this weekend.

So on Friday night, my friends and I went out in St. Louis and we were with a couple of guys we went to college with. And the one guy was driving us and he was like talking about the strip club and he was showing us his complimentary entry fees and just like wouldn't stop talking about it. And just was like waiting for us to have a reaction. But none of us cared. None of us were giving him what he wanted. And it just just was like waiting for us to have a reaction but none of us cared none of us were giving him what he wanted and it just felt yeah like we don't care that you're going to a strip club we don't want to go he was then he was like you guys don't want to go tonight i'm like like why so yeah i mean i was i was i was in threat of being cut before when i told you guys my manager said i was the busiest woman in comedy because that's a brag and but what i what i what what took me out

of being cut is the fact that i set it up as like this made me feel really good like i acknowledged why i was sharing it was like i got i'm i'm being selfish right now if you acknowledge like like how could that guy do that and avoid being kept i mean he's bragging essentially he's bragging about how rich he is that he could handle this you know 50 fees like if i could handle that imagine what I could do for you. You know what I mean? Because my money is endless. I could have a girl ride on me and I could come in my own pants.

How cool am I? How do you – is there a way? To what? To do that without – To show your entry cards to girls without being cut. I think you got to go – You could say, look how Kuh I am by showing, you could even say that.

You could be like, I know this is Kuh, but I'm kind of proud of this. Or you could be like, just acknowledge. I really, really do enjoy going to these strip clubs.

I value them. I value how hard they make me. I'm a good tipper. I just. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, it's hard to like,

it's hard to. Is like a black card, Keh? If you throw it out and it's like a weighted card. Is there a way to use a card that's like that without being Keh? Well, there's plenty of rich guys that you would never know have a black card. You know, there's the guy that's like, I got it. And he's like, whips it out and throws it over his head. And like, it just, he makes it so obvious.

It breaks the table. It's six by six feet. It's like a giant check. He's like can you run this no well just you know i'm good for it and then he just buys the whole restaurant god bless you bless me but uh bless me thank you that's one of my favorite things ever um yeah so anyhow but yeah it's a uh if you call out k you can do whatever you want. If you go, listen, guys, I just want to show how fucking sick and loud my engine sounds. Ready? Like you're not. You've called it out.

OK, next one. OK, next one comes from I think JD is the name. Hi, Nikki Glazer pod. My name is JD daily listener. No one makes me laugh harder. So thank you you guys. I just listening to lightning crashes by live and I couldn't help but think the whole time how that song is in most 90s rock

songs are so just wanted to share thanks bye thanks JD I think that song's about the Oklahoma City bombing lightning crashes and old mother died can you write a song about a national terroristic tragedy i kind of because you know what's good is like oh there's like singing like that is making a choice

to sing like singing is good feelings in songs like any like, oh, like, trying to get your, like, trying to sound, trying to get. Is singing ca? Like, sometimes when I listen to my own, like, singing. I get what you're saying, though. Like, there's a way that he could sing that song without that extra. No, but, like, any singing. I'm talking about, like, any recording artist. Well, I mean, rap and, like like certain kind of singing, pop music, their whole thing is trying to look cool.

It's stand-up cur. Yes. Stand-up is so cur. Yes. I, you know what's not, you know what is the deterrent to cur? Honesty. Well, self-deprecation. And that's what I liked about jessica simpson's thing and that's a big recovery thing is just if you're honest all the time you will see that you have an addiction

to something like you aren't gonna hide an addiction so you have to deal with it that's why like the first step of like recovery things is like admitting you have a problem it's like getting honest so if you're always honest cannot exist in an honest world if you're always honest, cur cannot exist in an honest world. If you're like, what makes everything suck is just dishonesty, is not showing your true motives or your true intentions. And that's why I love Love on the Spectrum because they can't be cur. False confidence, false cockiness, ego. Yes.

All that shit's cur. Yeah. I love Machine Gun Kelly, but someone sent me that clip of him with megan fox i am weed and uh and i was like i think it's funny you know i like defended him because i like machine gun kelly and i was like i think it's funny and uh he was a little annoyed that i thought that was fun he was like you are like a comedian you think that's funny i'm like yeah because it's just like a funny thing to say she said you smell like weed and he was probably a

little bit nervous it's megan fox and he was just like trying to think of the coolest thing to say and he's just like i am it's just a dumb yeah to say i am weed doesn't make any sense and he goes let me just clarify you can think it's funny but please admit it's k and i was like oh i mean i think that's maybe the definition of k saying. Saying I am weed is Kuh. For sure. Right? I mean, I think people can be Kuh and be honest and be, you could have a balance of a lot of things. What if he is weed?

Like, we don't know. I mean, I bit him. I got a little eye. MGK, dude. I'm about to see him. Where? I'll tell you soon. Spoiler.

Alert. I mean, that's actually not a spoiler. Okay, next K. Spoilers are cool. Okay. On a car, on a Celica. What's the point of spoilers? I don't, to just look like you're going faster.

What? Honestly, what is a spoiler? A spoiler. To make you go faster? When you're standing. Aerodynamics? Yeah, it makes it aerodynamic. Okay.

You would think it would slow you down, though. But going fast is kuh. Like, just to go around in circles and go fast, like, why do... It's only to be like... I could... Like, what is going... Spoilers got out of control.

I can get somewhere sooner. I mean, early 90s, spoilers got up to... But literally racing and going fast is kuh, because why do we need to go faster? Well, it's the same reason why you like porn. Why you want to do porn. No, I want to cum. No, you want to... Well, What's the same reason why you like porn? Why you want to do porn? No, I want to cum.

No, you want to... Well, that's how they can cum, mentally and physically. They go fast and they feel... Man, I'm getting a little existential about cuh. I think almost everything is cuh. Okay, next one, Noah. Sorry. You're going to love this one.

Oh, good. Okay. From Rhea. Hi, guys. I love the podcast. Start every morning with it thank you guys so much you're hilarious you make me laugh every day i have a kid to report report i live in new york city so i often run in central park and i have found that male runners in general are just pretty

kid i i don't think they can help themselves I think it's just something that comes with the territory. Anyway, I saw this guy one time as I was running and he had a, the bottom of his shirt was pulled up and in his mouth. So it was creating like a crop top moment. And I guess it was to show off his abs. I'm not really sure what the objective was there, but he was just running along, holding the bottom of his shirt in his mouth, creating this fashion statement. And I thought that was pretty darn good. But another thing that was good is something that I did myself. I matched with your friend, Emil on hinge a couple of months back, and I really, really wanted to hold myself back from doing it but i really couldn't so my first message was about you because i'm so obsessed with you and um i hope he

wasn't offended by that but we can all be a little kiss sometime i have realized that's not care all in all thank you guys so much for making this podcast i really do appreciate it oh thank you what was her name Rhea Rhea I love that and yeah sometimes people go I know this is good but like I love you or whatever it's like that ain't good like that's just honest and like you you I mean you're you have a mutual friend with a meal me so like if that's you're my friend if you listen to the show especially daily and especially if you are like calling out cuz um so i would i would be mad if you didn't write a meal hey i know nikki yeah you know what's pretending like there isn't a connection yes yes that would have been k yes be like who's nikki glazer meanwhile you have her like carved in your back like yes oh my god

that's such a good one i have to pee so bad can i just go so fast it's almost it's too distracting i do remember uh like when guys put their shirt up to show their abs it is like like you can i saw a thing but here's the thing and this is the only argument i'll give guys if you some people go why don't you just use the top of your shirt you know what i mean to wipe I saw a thing, but here's the thing. This is the only argument I'll give guys. Some people go, why don't you just use the top of your shirt? You know what I mean? To wipe the sweat off your brow or whatever. Yeah.

Because that doesn't show your abs as much. The top is already wet from sweat. You sweat more up top than you do towards your stomach. So to use the bottom of your shirt, yes. If you are... Well, that guy must go running a lot. So doesn't he know he should take like a handkerchief or something and not just run with his shirt in his mouth?

Who runs with a handkerchief? With a hanky? I don't know. With a pipe? With a pipe and a hat with a feather he should run with? I don't run. I don't know what they use.

Yeah. Why doesn't he just have a handkerchief? Nike should come out with the Nike handkerchief. Do you need to blow snot? Do you need to get sweat off the top of your head? We got you covered. Noah just said, why didn't the guy that wiped the sweat off with his shirt carry a handkerchief

while running um noah or a towel but a handkerchief no one uses handkerchiefs what does he have a pipe and a hat with a feather too while he runs and put down his jacket when there's a puddle for a nice lady out of the carriage. Singing in the rain. Oh, my God. That's so funny. Yeah. So I guess he was sweating. Is that why he was doing it?

Yeah, he was sweating. I was talking to Noah. You could use the top of your shirt, but it's already wet. Right. That's the problem. Yeah, I'm a big sweater. And when I run and I have like sweat in my eyes i you know have to like pull it up and and do it with like the sometimes i'll take my shirt off

just to get so i don't like cover up my eyes and doing it i have to admit like i've been running before and don't need to take my shirt off but i'm like i look fucking great and i don't and i don't go to the i don't get to go to the beach. I don't go to the pool. And I kind of want to show off my body. And I can run away before anyone is like, she thinks she's hot. And it's just like, I'll sometimes run in a...

And I sweat so much that it feels more freeing. It feels good too. It's not like I'm making myself more uncomfortable to show off my body. But I will not deny that showing off my body is part of me wanting to take off my shirt. I mean, I think you deserve it. I mean, also, it gives you a scapegoat of like, you know, you're not just like walking around the park like naked, almost naked. If you're running, it gives you workout clothes, all that shit. Yoga pants.

Right. It all makes you sexier under the guise of, oh, no, I'm just exercising. Yeah, I mean, it's just admitting that I wanted to wear something that makes me cuter. Yeah. Or like, yeah, that I feel embarrassed doing. I mean, I wouldn't be comfortable wearing a sports bra with yoga pants just like around town. Well, Noah says, why don't you just wear red lipstick and high heels and a summer dress while you run, Nikki? And a handkerchief.

Well, that's and a bonnet and a scarf around my neck. With big sunglasses. And curlers in my hair and a petticoat. Yeah, a garter belt. I don't't know i'm just naming other things um because those aren't comfortable yeah that's true and and they're not good for running but i do sweat a lot and i but male runners i absolutely think are cut like i'm just like you look crazy you are don't have enough fat on your body. What are you running from?

What are you running from? Oh, what do you want from me? I loved that song. What do you want from me? What do you want from me? Adam Lambert. Final thought. Adam Lambert.

I loved him. I loved a couple American idols who had kind of one hits. Yes. I loved Adam Lambert. What loved him. I loved a couple American idols who had kind of one hits. Yes. I loved Adam Lambert. What do you want from me? I loved David Archuleta, Crush. That is honestly one of my favorite pop songs of all time. If there are any other David Archuleta, Crush fans out there, just know you're not alone. But sometimes you feel alone because it is a song that no one knows i

hear it once in a while like over the sound system at tj maxx yes it is uh it's a great song though and he's it you know it's about a girl but he's you know came out oh he did yeah yeah um uh david um cook yes he had a big career. Yeah, what was his single? I don't know, but him, the bald guy. David Cook and I used to text each other. He was my first, I would say, celeb potential. Facebook? We met.

I had been on Last Coming Standing. I think we were both from Kansas City. We both kind of got our start in Kansas City. We met at like a, God, how did we even meet? Oh, we met here in St. Louis. I was here in 2009. I moved back to live with my parents. I had been on The Tonight Show at that point and Last Comic Standing.

So I had like a little bit of TV cred. He had won American Idol I think two years before, the year before. And we saw each other at Blueberry Hill. He was in town doing a show and my friend i was with my friends and my friends like went up to him were like like we i was like oh my god he's so cute and just didn't want to say anything but my friends i think went up to two of my guy friends went up to him were like wing manned him for me or said something and then he invited us somewhere and then i think he was like they were like he's like interested in you i was like what and i just couldn't believe it and i think these are the myspace days and i think maybe i slid in there

i don't know but then he was supposed then we started texting and we never met again but um i've always like had a i i remember listening to that song a lot being like i'm gonna be this guy's girlfriend like projecting that into the world over here i like had the big you know it's one of those things where you just think that something's gonna get off the ground and it literally never even leaves the gate and you're like i and you're already in paris on vacation and you're like it's your honey the plane ain't taking off you haven't even boarded they won't let you on your bag is too big your bag is just too much like what are you even thinking like the places my mind will go in fantasy land with guys or have gone in the past now i now i cut myself off from even the first step yeah you don't even get the ticket i don't even like the price line it yeah you don't

even go to paris yeah yeah i mean yeah it's it's good though to have those like i think you have to have like these these dreams to then reach something maybe it won't be that dream but at least you're dreaming yeah i know that sounds cheesy but at least you're like thinking big you're thinking not date david cook but i might date a line cook yeah who almost went to paris during a summer between junior and senior year but he failed out because he was addicted to oxy no i love fantasizing about boys it was used to be one of my favorite things did you uh fantasia barino never liked a single of hers really justin guarini i thought was gonna be bigger beau bice has a uh the best song ever think, on American Idol when he sings acapella.

Bo Bice. Check it out. What did he sing acapella? I don't even know what it is. Daughtry. I liked him. Daughtry. I really liked Daughtry.

He's good. But no voice people. I couldn't even name a voice person. Me neither. Yeah. All right. Well, we've covered it all. I'll throw my teas up to the... I love her. Carrie Underwood. Yeah. I mean, that song. Kelly Clarkson. All right. Well, we've covered it all. I'll throw my teas up to the...

I love her. Carrie Underwood. Yeah. I mean, that song. Kelly Clarkson. Of course. Kelly Clarkson's audition on American Idol. Best audition ever.

You've never seen all of them, so you can't really say that. But the best one you've seen. Yes. But her winning and singing a moment like this after she wins is... Even just listening to the audio of it makes me cry because she is so cute speaking of i'm gonna i'm gonna see her very shortly jesus christ is there anyone i could bring up that you don't know oh my god she goes oh god in a moment like you should do that you should do that on her show i'm not even kidding. Everything changes. Beauty remains.

Something so simple. She does that. Something so simple. You should do it. I can't explain. I can sing as good as Kelly Clarkson when she's weeping uncontrollably. Yes. All right. Gotta go.

Thank you for listening to the podcast. Prosperity. Don't be care. And Jax. Jax and Pikes. Oh, my care. And Jackson Fox. Oh my God. You're so

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