The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #135 Kissed The Mic

Episode Date: November 12, 2021

Between you and Nikki, it made sense to listen to Making Sense to fight off a migraine instead of taking dog meds. Andrew dressed up and not as a tribute to his latest dead hero, instead to a living legend. Nikki praises her assistant who keeps her life in order and Andrew thanks his brother for helping him survive a trip across Europe. They discuss "roast" jokes and how a reaction can make or break the moment. You Heard It Here First, get a diaper delivered with your meal, lime scooters are ok but not lime mopeds and Andrew's Weekly Sports Moment is about an elderly runner. Besties share a secret, being autonomous at a pharmacy and a funny moment from an SSDJ. In the Final Thought they have a conversation about acknowledgement. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Here I am Oh, I don't think I've talked yet today Clearly Hi guys You've been kissing microphones

I know, I just told Noah before the show That Luigi's always next to me when we tape which is so adorable because he just knows he knows the routine now like he he wanders into the room before the podcasting room before we begin and kind of waits for me and is so excited to spend this time where i'm just he can be flush with my body sitting next to me and i'm not on my phone and I can like I'm just like kind of rubbing him it's rare for an animal to get that like I don't watch tv a lot and just sit and like talk to you know I'm always like on my computer on my phone or eating things so I think he really enjoys it but he came up next to me this morning and I was like come on up come on up

and I was petting him and I wanted to kiss his soft little head, but it wasn't next to mine. But for some reason, my brain thought it was and the mic is right in front of me. So I just go, and I just kissed the mic gently. And I told Noah, I go, just kiss the mic thinking it was Luigi's head. And I was like, I don't know why I did that.

And then I hugged Luigi again. I go, I just love you. And then I kissed the mic again. It was recording. We should actually put it, we should put a clip of me doing it twice in a row. And you said it was like a morning glitch. Yeah.

I liked that. Because it's early. It's so early. Especially where you are. Is it, it's 5 a.m. where you are? No, it's 6.07 at the moment. Okay, good. So you guys are daylight but the sun isn't up yet saving

oh yeah uh nor was it for me um when i was walking luigi this morning it's so weird i hate when it's so dark outside and then it gets dark early what the fuck aren't you supposed to get like more light well i listen i don't want to talk about science right now. Let's talk about politics. Political science. Did you ever hear political science and go, those are two words I don't want to hear about. Actually, science now I appreciate because it's more palatable with podcasts and people who can kind of, I mean, because science is actually important to learn

because it's based in facts and makes you understand your brain and your thoughts in facts and uh you know it makes you understand your brain and your thoughts and all the things like it can help you understand your emotions even science um and obviously sam harris has gotten me into it a lot um but yeah political science used to go like oh god why would anyone choose that as a major that was always a major people chose and i was just like i like or um you know middle eastern uh what like anything like okay let me just say i have no middle eastern food is my favorite um middle eastern men are some of the sexiest i've ever seen in my life nothing against the middle

east i want to go there someday i have no idea the conflict over there is intimidating. I'm like sharing clueless of like, but I thought they declared peace in the Middle East. And just like, I just, you know, and I should know about, you know, I don't even want to talk about what I don't know. But like when any mention of Palestine and the banks and Gaza strip comes up, I,

it's like football for me. No, I've tried to understand it and I sit down and I have someone explain it to me because I want to be an informed person and I want to be a person who cares about, you know, things and, and has,

and maybe picks a side. Cause I'm always like, I don't know what's what side you're supposed to be on, which is ridiculous thing to say to be like who who's right can I because it seems to me when I have asked that it's like oh man I kind of see both sides of things and honestly and I can't truly know nothing I can I know you know a lot more it can be that right but I feel like most of the time it's not that what I feel about any kind of thing like that, generally at this point in my life, is there's no bad countries

because they're just civilians who were just born in a country. They didn't choose to be born there. They're not inherently evil because they're on this side or that side. Maybe the people in power are evil and we can debate whether or not those people even chose to be evil i don't think you have really a a choice if you're born as saddam hussein's i mean i know this is a separate issue but like uday and usei like those guys didn't have a chance to be like good people. They weren't set up for success.

So I'm not even mad at them that they became, you know, tyrants. But I digress. What I was going to say was I'm super into the Making Sense podcast recently. And I want to just get other people into it because I know I've been vocal about the waking up app and meditation, all that in the past. I've fallen away from meditation, but as a daily practice, it's something that I always just like use when it, you know, anxiety bubbles up. But I used to be very used to proselytize about like you must use it. And it turned a lot of people onto it who still use it and like talk to me about like wasn't today's daily meditation great and I'm like you don't

do it anymore but the thing about meditation that I love is that it's gentle and that I've never I would not be doing it and I probably wouldn't even pick it back up when I need it if it were something that I felt I was all or nothing and that I would feel like a failure if I didn't do so days when I don't feel like meditating I just go I, I wasn't, it's not, I don't need it. Cause it's a thing that if I need to, if I need a hammer, I'll use it. It would be weird to pick up a hammer every day if I don't need it. But for some reason this morning I woke up, um, and today we're doing this podcast very early. I have long day and i woke up at uh 5 45 my alarm went off and i just felt so fucking good noah because last night i had such a bad migraine

it started low level at like 6 p.m it was just a headache and if you are out there and you suffer with a migraine i don't know how it presents for you. Some people see auras and lights and stuff. I haven't had in like different shapes like that will warn you in your visual field. You'll see things that before your headache comes on that will warn you. Listen, like it's like when a dog starts barking because of earthquakes coming and you're just like, okay, let me take my migraine medicine now. It kind of warns you. And it's so scary when those happen because you just go oh fuck i know what i'm in for i don't

get auras a-u-r-a-s any warnings but i do get like a low level headache that always just feels like oh i need to drink water like one of those like just a little little thing and i got to the shoot that i had to do and i asked for someone for Advil or whatever. I don't know the difference between any of it, and they gave me some, and then the headache wouldn't go away, and I was like, maybe I need caffeine. You know, maybe it's a caffeine headache. I'm very addicted to caffeine, and then I got a latte. It was decaf, but I thought maybe placebo. That didn't fix it, and then it, and I haven't had a migraine since I got my IUD ripped out of my body, literally ripped out of my body because it was so wound up in my ute

or whatever they latch it to. I mean, it's this copper thing. Mine wasn't copper. I used Mirena. And I've told this story before, but they put it in, and it latches to your skin. Like they have to like hook it on you like you're an old bass fish. And I got it removed eventually because I traced my migraines that I was getting chronically struggling with.

Terrible time of my life when I had those migraines. Couldn't connect the two because I was so unaware of like what my like here are the things I'm putting in my body literally hooking to my body and here are the things that my body is doing where's the connection I would always just be like oh I guess I just get migraines because I got hit by a car in 2014 I thought it was because I got hit by a car but around that time I got hit by a car I also got the IUD put in. And then eventually it got taken out. Yanked out. And it was so horrific. Ugh. It was the worst.

If you have an IUD out there and you're getting migraines, just look into it. I'll never get an IUD because of your story, by the way. I feel like a lot of people do well with like a copper IUD, which is literally just a piece of copper. They put it in you that is not as like it's not just a bunch of hormones I don't know but yeah that story I mean they couldn't get it out and I had to I felt them go like yank I'm so sorry I know people are just wincing right now um and I afterwards I said can I hold it like it was like a baby or something and it had tissue on it I mean it was it was awful but right away my migraine stopped and I used to get these migraines you guys that were so terrible I was um I was uh dating my

uh ex-boyfriend Chris at the time we were living together and he was so wonderful because he would see these coming on and if I was dating someone that had these I would say just I don't even know if I can date you like you're chronically in pain. They're not going away. You're not seem to be, you don't seem to be doing anything to fix this because it would start coming on and then I would just be crying and puking and like needing to be in a room alone.

And I would just cry because it was so painful. You just feel, it was the same way I felt about my kankies. Like that pain of like, I just can't take it anymore. And there's no, there's nothing to soothe it. Nothing. Canker source, at least you can switch with some stuff that I eventually got from my orthodontist that saved my life and like muted the pain. Migraines though are a fickle bitch because they do not respond to pain meds. So last night I went to bed with a headache, couldn't fall asleep, even though I tried to go to bed at nine I'm like I'm gonna get a great night's sleep I was tired the pain was too

bad I listened to the waking up app that I have and there's a great meditation on there called working with through pain if you download the waking up app they totally revamped it and by the way you can get the waking up app which has an introductory course to like meditation and it's like 50 of them yeah there's 50 of them you do a course i think they actually made it like 30 because 50 seemed too daunting to people so he walks you through every day you just do one for 10 minutes a day there's 20 minute one twos you can pick which one i do 10 minutes and it teaches you how to meditate with sam harris's soothing fucking voice and then there's all these like lessons and like different, like just little like monologues

that he gives in a separate section of the app for meditations for different things. And just like his theorizing about concepts like regret, which was a great one I listened to today to help me like with feelings of regret of, God, I should have said this. I could have been better doing that. Why didn't I do that? If you're someone that struggles with that, I was desperate for help when I was feeling just immense regret in my life. And that meditation and that app, you can just type in regret and you'll find it was very helpful. And also my friend, Chris, my ex-boyfriend,

he recently got into the waking up app after, you know, I've been trying to get into it forever. But he, you know, you can't force people to do things. You just have to say, hey, this helped me. And when they're ready, they'll pick it up. And he did. And he was like, he sent me the regret thing yesterday and was like, have you heard this? And I go, yes, but I haven't in a while. And I need a re-up. Like you need to re-listen. So this pain meditation though, dude, if anyone in your life is suffering with pain uh like your mom your like parent like grandparents this meditation helps you think of your pain in a way that like while you're going through it you listen to it and it has always helped me get to sleep but last night my pain was so bad it didn't even help me it helped

me a little bit like think about pain what the thing i like he says about pain and this is a common this is a concept i also heard from this philosopher that someone turned me on to named Emil something. I know his name was Emil because my friend Emil, but he said that suicide is pointless because you're killing yourself because you can't, because you're in so much pain. But in reality, suicide is not the answer because you've already made it through the pain. If you're alive right now and going, I want to kill myself. The pain that you are talking about is already passed. You made it through. So like your fear is future, which you don't have the ability to actually know or predict the pain. You do know the pain that came before

and the pain you're currently in. You've made it through and the same with this pain meditation he's like he has a migraine while he's recording he's like i'm actually experiencing a migraine right now and i'm just you know paying attention to the raw sensation of the pain and he goes the the anxiety of what's coming next that's what pain that's what pain really is when you're going I want this to go away it's not because it's like painful in the moment it's because you don't want it because you've already made it through that moment like you if you're in the moment you're you're alive you made it through you survived it's it's it's the fear of the coming moment which is an interesting concept to think of like oh pain is actually just being scared that it's going to keep going so anyway um it helps me but last Noah, I woke up at 2 a.m., which was such a gift when

you wake up and you think it's 5, and I'm like, God, I have 45 more minutes to sleep, but it was 2.14. I read it as 2.41, and I go, it's either 2.14 or 2.41. Let me check it again. I know it's going to be 2.41 because God never gives me an extra 30 minutes. And I checked, it was 2.14. I was like like what the fuck what a great night but my my head was throbbing so bad I woke up from the pain and I was crying I started to try to cry because I but there was no crying for me is like a way to make people understand how in pain I am so that they soothe me a lot of times and I just crying alone was like pointless

and just I was just feeling so sorry for myself because I couldn't make it stop and I took more Excedrin and I tried the meditation I tried listening to YouTube videos about migraines but like my it hurt to look at my phone and then I was thinking do I have any pain meds like you know prescription strength and I was like I don't except I know who does Luigi Luigi got a tooth taken out last week and I was like I know and we did not make it through all the pain meds because he was didn't need them like he was getting when I gave him some he just seemed drugged out and uncomfortable and he just didn't seem to be in pain I looked for signs of pain and so he has all these pain meds and then I started reading it it was like this thing is like an opioid people die on this stuff

it's like you can get addicted and I just started getting really scared and I didn't do it but I have never gotten a migraine like this since I got my IUD taken out and it was so terrible and I'm fucking scared um of having it again so I think I need these little pills that my mom had for her migraines that she would take when she felt one coming on. And she gave me a couple. Um, and I used to take those when I felt it coming on and it would go away. So I think I just need that. And I need to be very pre, uh, you know, I need to be precautious. I need to, when, as soon as I feel a migraine coming on, I don't need to convince myself, Oh, it's just a little thing because once it comes on full blast, there ain't no turning back. So in the end, I woke up this morning and what a gift my migraine was. I would not have wished it on myself, but I will say I

woke up this morning with the lack of pain was amazing. And I would have used a vibrator on my head, by the way. That is my usual go-to. I would have used an intense vibrator on my head, but I have to shoot something today and I didn't want to look like Quasimodo so I woke up today so grateful the pain is gone if I feel good let's bring Andrew in Andrew by the way has a great outfit on today and I'm gonna give him credit for it because I don't usually do that because I feel like he he's asking for it and I just don't like when people are like do you think I like when they I don't like when people ask for things I like like to give compliments when they don't, they don't, they don't, they're not like. They're not expecting it.

Yeah. Or like not, not that they're, cause I love giving compliments to people who are like put in effort, but it's different when you're like kind of hovering around like, do you like my outfit? And he wasn't doing that today. But generally I keep my compliments to myself because I'm just, I can be a bitch sometimes. And I'm like, I just don't want to, he wants it so bad. I don't want to give it to him.

And that's not just with Andrew. It's like across the board. And I know people are going to be like, you're such a bitch, Nikki. I know you do this too. Everyone does it. When people want things, you tend to just like, so I'm not alone. I'm not a bad person. But I got to fight that urge.

And I'm going to give him a compliment. Stay tuned. Andrew! Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take

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and I called to ask how I was doing. She was like, oh dad, all they was doing was talking about your thing in class. I ruined my baby's first day of high school. And slumflower. What turns me on is when a man sends me money. Like I. What turns me on is when a man sends me money. Like, I feel the moisture between my legs when a man sends me money. I'm like, oh my God, it's go time.

You actually sent it? Listen to the Good Moms, Bad Choices podcast every Wednesday on the Black Effect Podcast Network, the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you go to find your podcasts. Hey, Andrew. Good morning. I find your podcast. I just told my listeners that sometimes when I feel like people want compliments, I keep them to myself. And it's such a dirty thing that I do. Not just to you, to like anyone.

The other day, my mom was like, you like it? She goes, you know, I can't talk about what we were talking about. But she's like, these cameras that have been around the house, you know, it's the last day that they're going to be here for us. And yeah, it's actually going to, I'm looking forward to a little break. And I go, oh, okay. And she goes, yeah, it's been a lot and i'm like oh all right you know it'd be nice if you said something once in a while and acknowledge that and i go wait do i not i was like what do you want and she's like i don't know just saying thank you sometimes would be nice and i'm like oh that's not the way you're gonna get it from me bitch yeah you won't get that and like the thing is why not why can't i just say you know what you're right i haven't given you thanks i'm

really sorry like i couldn't and i become such a brat and it turned into this entire fight in front of all these people with cameras cameras weren't on but it was like i made a really awkward moment for my mom and like was like oh you're being passive-aggressive about it why don't you just tell me you want to thank you instead of being like, it'd be nice. And I was such a brat and everyone who has been around me for the past couple of months with cameras witnessed me being such a little baby

and was so embarrassing. But it was all from her wanting it and me being like, I'm not gonna give it to you because you want it. And sometimes I feel like, not just you, anyone, I do it myself where I'm like, I'm wearing something new and I'm like, I want someone to say something and they don't give it to me and i'm so but i don't want to give it to them because they want it do you ever do that i get that i get but your outfit today was fucking

cool i i decided to not wait for a celebrity to die to dress like them okay let me guess hold on hold oh okay first of all paul rudd joel mckale that's who you think i would choose i mean no but this is an outfit that i would see um come on think sweater blazer um seth meyers adrian brody come on wait give me give me uh do you even know who i am i don't know narcos you've been watching Narcos a lot. And I don't know how the fuck you watch Narcos. I was watching you watch Narcos. And by the way, that is watching you look at your phone while Narcos is playing. Which would make sense if Narcos was in English.

But you don't speak Spanish, so you're looking at your phone. You're not looking at Narcos. You're not looking at the subtitles. How do you know what's going on in Narcos? I don't. I don't. I was going to watch and quiz you today about things that I knew you had missed. I missed everything. I missed everything. Todos. Todos. Todos. Okay, tell me. Larry David.

Oh! That is a Larry David outfit, you guys. Check it out. Okay, for those of you listening, fuck you. You have to go to the YouTube channel. I'm not going to describe it. But also keep listening. And also, I'm just kidding. Don't fuck you.

I love our listeners. No, but you have to go to, I'm going to send you to YouTube. That's how you're going to see this outfit. And it's going to be in a couple days. So sorry. Sorry for those of you who want to see it now. We'll take a photo and maybe put it on the Instagram. No, no.

I want them to have to go to YouTube and see it. Because you really are nailing it. I don't want to wait for him to die. He's bald. He's wearing little glasses. I have little glasses. No go to YouTube and see it. Because you really are nailing it. I don't want to wait for him to die. He's bald. He's wearing little glasses. I have little glasses. No, it's a great outfit. Yeah, why'd you shave the top of your head?

Too far. Look, in about 10 years, I won't need to. I'll be really nailing it. Wait a second. Where did you get that sweater and those pants? Okay, so the sweater and the jacket comes from a company called Taylor Stitch, which we walked into in San Francisco. Oh, this is the way you were looking the other day on a website.

Yes. Jen picked this out. Jen, my assistant. Who's the best. Jen White. Yeah, the Jen White on Instagram. Who's also a fashion connoisseur because she did it all for FBoy. Yeah, FBoy.

She was the wardrobe assistant to the wardrobe director. But she usually works in production. She's done The Amazing Race, literally 38 seasons of The Amazing Race. Someone who produces The Amazing Race, I was like, not only are you a fun hang, but I know you can manage my life. Oh, my God. You can manage anything. You could be the White House. She could run the country.

I mean, If you've traveled at all... So when I was a junior going into my senior year in college, I went to Europe and we went... How you made it through and made those flights and didn't lose your passport? There's some things you're going to love. One, I had a roller bag

instead of a back... You know, everyone backpacks. I had a big roller. You just don't use a roller when you go through roller and like you just don't use a roller when you when you go through the euro rail don't use a roller even now when you might well now when you have the ability to throw on not be staying in hostels that's a good point that's a very good point you're a backpack boy i'm a i'm a bpb bbb that's it that's another thing so i meet my brother in amsterdam that's where you know i met heath ledger yeah and for me if i was traveling i would have went to amsterdam and then maybe one other city right my brother went we went amsterdam brother is a gen he's a gen he's amsterdam

munich prague budapest i was gonna say all these places you've been i go how did andrew dress so well no no no like how did Andrew- Dress so well now? No, no, no. How did Andrew figure out all that? He's been to so many countries, and now it makes sense your brother was planning it. That's cool. So we went Prague, Budapest- We need people like that.

Athens, Greek Islands, Rome, Milan in a month. I would have done Amsterdam and nothing else. Nothing else. I wouldn't have gone anywhere else. Yeah, I would have died in Amsterdam. I would have stayed- Like a gentleman. I would have seen the Anne Frank house

and gone, I'm good to go. But the thing is, there's something about that too, by the way. Let me just say that there is something about seeing a million places in one and going to all the tourist spots in one city. And there's something about living your life like you would if you lived there. Like a lazy life in a new place.

So true. That's where I'm truly this year when I have some free time, I'm going to go to Paris for a month. Are you? And maybe more than that and live in Paris. I want to. I love that for you. It's always been a dream. I want to do it before the world gets really fucking weird and Paris still has.

I'll definitely visit. Yeah, I mean, you could with that outfit today. It's very Parisian. Oh, dude, if I had a baguette and a cigarette, anything that rhymes. With an et. And a Tourette's. Okay, dude. If I had a baguette and a cigarette, anything that rhymes. With an et. And a Tourette's. Okay, that's bad. Oh, wait.

That's not Tourette's. That's Parkinson's. Tourette's could be. Well, Tourette's does do that, too. I don't feel like anything's bad. Like, you know, doing what Trump did to mimic someone with a mental illness or a physical handicap. I think the guy wasn't even mentally handicapped.

He was physically handicapped. The guy who was mocking that famous thing he did. That is disparaging someone. But acknowledging that people with Tourette's do a thing or people with Parkinson's do a thing is not a pejorative statement. Or saying that someone's in a wheelchair and acknowledging it.

This new, I get so annoyed wheelchair and acknowledging it this this new i get so annoyed and i've said this before when i'm on stage and i say something like oh you know i talk about anal or like licking a guy's asshole and i'm like if you want to make a guy come so fast it's like hitting a turbo button like that button like the paul walker button and people go oh and i go i'm just trying to make make women understand what button i'm talking about in the car because we don't know that button but we do know paul walker died in a very fast car and yes it's an i could say the button in fast cars that they press and fast and furious it's not and i'm not saying his death is funny it's just a way to get right to it just like he did

that wall and again he wasn't driving again, people could cancel me for that. He wasn't? Okay, well, whoever was driving got to that wall. Listen, people can go, oh, Nicky's making fun. I'm not making fun. It is a joke, but it happened. I didn't do it.

You sure? Referencing someone killing themselves, you're just like, oh, did you guys not know he killed himself? Am I, did I kill him? Why are you mad at me? I'm just referencing, I think we should, should we just act like Paul Walker, that didn't happen to him and we should only talk about him like, oh, we're not going to talk about the tragedy that was his death.

Let's just, everything's fine. Also, we could talk about the million documentaries or the million interviews where people have used his death to get clout of some sort like is that worse than a joke the the joke i always think about and i don't even know if um i'm sure she'd be fine with it but i wrote a joke for amy schumer for um the roast which i you know when i do roast i have all my friends you've written jokes for me you famously wrote um one of my favorite jokes i mean you wrote a bunch of jokes that made it to roast i believe but the one that always comes to mind for me was when i was making fun of um chris red from snl i didn't that was just us just talking too yeah but that's the thing that's the best roast jokes is like when i was working on fboy island

i told the crew like a teenager found you dressed like a teenager found $1,000 on the ground. Yes. You dressed like a 13-year-old. I think I said you dressed like a 9-year-old found $100 on the ground or something like that. We changed the age. Thank God he was dressed perfectly.

Because that's how he dresses. You nailed it, but you wrote that one. The best roast jokes are just simple observations. Like when I said, I didn't know what to say about Dom Herrera. Go Google a picture of Dom Herrera. I'm not familiar with his comedy. I didn't know him. I just looked at a picture one day and I was like, he looks like a sleepy potato.

And then that was such a funny line to me to go, Dom Herrera, you sleepy potato. People were just like, it's so simple. It's so stupid. My poppy could have come up with it. But taking out you look like and just go, Dom Moreira, you sleepy potato. People are just like, it's so simple. It's so stupid. My poppy could have come up with it. But taking out you look like and just go, you sleepy. Yeah, there's the craft. It's such a little thing, but it makes it so much funnier. And saying it like, you.

And I get that from Sarah Silverman of like, you doll. Look at you, sleepy potato. It's like with Historia or whatever. And you said, oh, name sounds stupid. Oh, Hilaria. Hilaria. Historia. Well, they told me her name was Hilaria.

I asked how her name was pronounced because I wanted to honor it and not like make. Honoraria? Yeah. And so I go, I asked a bunch of people and they're like, it's Hilaria. And so when I said to him, oh, your wife Hilaria, and he goes, Hilaria. And I go, what? And he goes, Hilaria. And I go, oh, so stupid.

That might have been my favorite line. I didn't repost that when the Hilaria stuff was going on last year, even though I wanted to so badly to be like, I saw it coming. Oh, yeah. You were like editing it, I remember. But I didn't post it because I like Alec. I wish you did. I wish you did.

And he's a friend of mine. But that was before he was a murderer. Oh. That's right. Involuntary. But yeah. I mean mean i guess technically you could call him a murderer but it's like if you did it involuntary i'm talking about how he murdered snl uh what are you talking about um i don't know i think we've all moved on from that right no wait what was the joke so i wrote um the joke So she was doing the roast of Charlie Sheen and she much like I learned to do from her and she learned from like people who think everyone writes every roast joke.

And by the way, Amy wrote one of the roast jokes for me that I get credit that I get told is the funniest joke of mine constantly. Spice Girls. Yeah. People always go, oh, my God, I love your roast. When we're taking pictures at Mean Grace, I love your roast. That's Spice Girls line or the jewel jokes were amazing and i always go which ones because i wrote one jewel joke about her teeth and then amy wrote one and i combined them i said you know jewel i

don't want to bad mouth you but god already did i mean that's a fucking phenomenal i wrote that one but like amy jesus christ that's so good amy wrote um I love, Jewel, I love your teeth, which was a perfect way to go from bad mouthing to go and say, God already did. Then I go, I'm just kidding. I love your smile. I love your teeth.

They're like the Spice Girls. They're all a different color and they're each doing their own thing. But that like, even the delivery was Amy's. Like the way she said it, I just go. Jewel being a good sport and laughing as well, showing her teeth, made the fucking joke.

Well, that's the thing. The response from the celebrity means everything. And that's why the joke that I had written for Amy, which I was so excited to get into her set, was Stevo was on the roast of Charlie Sheen. And Ryan Dunn had just died. Remember Ryan Dunn? Yeah. Okay. He's done.

What? What happened? Like cooked? No, the show. He's off the show. Oh, he died? Your joke. I joked on your joke.

Like you said done like his life is done. And I was like, no, like well done. Oh, you said well done. I'm sorry. No, I didn't say well done. I said done like the like the meat oh order up digging just kidding so i wrote the joke that was and please please understand listen this is this is a perfect example of when people go oh and it becomes

controversy amy got death threats and had to have higher security for the joke. I didn't even know that you wrote this. What? Yeah, I never knew. Really? Oh. Oh, my God. That's not something I've ever been vocal about because I don't like to go.

I wrote that, especially for Amy because she's been so generous to me. I don't want to be like, I take credit for that. But the thing is, I'm giving Amy credit for so much of my career. And the joke that one of my jokes that I get the most credit for that but the thing is i'm giving amy credit for like so much of my career and the joke that one of my jokes that i'm uh get the most credit for the spice girls one and many others she wrote for me and the fact that i went so hard on ann coulter was also amy going listen i'm looking at your set this is the first roast i did of rob low and she goes look at your set i think you just need to eviscerate ann coulter like you have this opportunity that we all want and we all want to see it it was my first roast it was very that was a very big risk to take to go so hard on her

and Amy was the one that was like you have to like it's this is an opportunity that will be squandered if you don't do it and I was like this like I'm gonna go that hard she told me to do my whole set about Ann Coulter which would have been awesome. The Mexican joke was actually written by Mike Lawrence, and that was the last joke I added to that set. And that's the joke that I'm most famous for. That changed my career. But this joke that I wrote for Ann Coulter. Isn't crazy just one joke? I mean, just one little thing.

It's like a hit song. Yes, yes. You know what? It wasn't even that joke. It was the fact that someone put that joke in a roast compilation on Facebook that got shared by one person that might have had... It's like could be... My popularity could be down to one person with 8 million followers sharing it on his

page on a day, on Christmas Day when people had a lot of downtime. It can come down to that kind of thing. And it's a video, so it actually goes back to you. It's not like a tweet or something that goes viral. Right. Your tweet going viral, which is still making the rounds. It's still going viral tweet or something that goes viral. Right. Your tweet going viral, which is still making the rounds. It's still going viral.

Oh my God. Andrew has maybe the most viral tweet of all time. We'll get to that. Maybe for final thought. Yeah. Let me just finish this. So the joke was, Steve-

Joe Coy? Steve- Steve- Tourette's. I'm so sorry about your friend, Ryan Dunn, because Ryan Dunn had died, I think a week or so before. I'm so sorry about your friend, Ryan Dunn, because Ryan Dunn had died, I think, a week or so before. I'm so sorry about your friend, Ryan Dunn. I'm sure that when he died, you were thinking,

God, that could have been me. And we were all thinking, why wasn't it? So all that joke says is we want Steve-O to die. It's not making fun of Ryan Dunn dying in any way. No, it's not making fun of ryan dunn dying in any way in a little i mean it's not it's a it's observing ryan it's it's acknowledging that he died but it's not making fun of him it's not it's not no it's not pissing on there's there's literally there this isn't a subjective uh conversation to have of like is it or is it not it's who's to say no i will say it's factual

there's i all i am saying is i'm so sorry about your friend ryan dunn's death yes i'm sure you were thinking that could have been me okay all of that is true and i'm sure and nothing is bad about either those two things and then the only thing you get offended by or anyone gets offended by is and we were all thinking why wasn't it so we what i'm saying is you have a right to be pissed. If you're like, you want Steve-O to die. That's why it's offensive. It's not offensive because we're saying Ryan Dunn died.

We're not making fun of a dead guy. My only point, I get what you're saying, but my point is the joke would not have happened or would have worked without Ryan being dead. Yeah. But like jokes don't work. If facts aren't things,

I'm saying it's i get that i get that i'm not making fun i i'm that but that's my argument is like just because a sad thing is in a joke yes doesn't mean that you're making fun of that i get what you're saying saying that something was the 9-11 of my life people go i'm offended by that you can actually get offended by that because that's making light of something that you you know you losing that earring is the 9-11 that's a an insane statement to make it's funny because that's like obviously such hyperbole yeah but you could almost get mad at that joke because that's making something that was totally tragic seem not tragic but putting a fact about someone dying in the

context of a joke for me i think i could fight to the death on and maybe change my change listen but my thing is i i cmm i change my mind i think both can be true though i think i agree with you i don't think you're making fun of the death but the joke wouldn't happen without the death but then therefore jokes wouldn't happen without words and words were written by people that died tragically probably like we can always link did they lose an earring right well anyway so but my point is that the reason that joke got amy so much hate yeah was because steve-o was like yes yeah he like almost cried and it's like i get it because i'm sure he was just bracing himself for a joke how long before that did Ryan die? It was like a week. Sorry, too soon or too late.

There's no time. No, no, I'm not saying. I'm saying this is the reason why. I get saying a person's name, a tragic figure, makes everyone tense up. But the joke itself is not. Everyone should have relaxed after that joke because we were making. I'm not saying that Siva should have laughed. But if he just would have been like. Yes this like man that is sick and also ryan dunn i'm guessing would have laughed at some kind of joke like that i think he was a part of the

jackass crew i think he probably had a kind of sick sense of humor and i don't even think it's sick the joke that he should have been offended that someone wanted him to die i love the joke i'm just saying no you don't the joke isn't even that good the that someone wanted him to die. I love the joke. I'm just saying these are reasons. No, you don't have to. The joke isn't even that good. The fact, like, it's fine. The thing is, people don't need to get, the joke, in my opinion, is probably a five

in the scale of, like, funny or, like, clever, whatever. But I think all thing considered, I'd give it an eight, actually. All thing considered. All thing. Okay, but his reaction was the thing that got her the death threats. Him looking so sad was the thing that made everyone go, that was mean.

And so everything, Jewel's reaction to my joke made my joke work. And that's why when Caitlyn Jenner and I did the jokes about her, I wanted to make sure she fucking was on board with me. And how great was she? I mean, she responded like she hated her family more than you did. when Caitlyn Jenner and I did the jokes about her. I wanted to make sure she fucking was on board with me. And how great was she? I mean, she responded like she hated her family more than you did. I know.

She was like, I did abandon them. You're right. Go, girl. You get out of there. It was almost too much. Let's get to the news. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first.

E-E-E-M. Good morning, America and Europe and other places too. Australia. It's Thursday. You know what that means? It's Thursday. I like that the only other place you can think of is Australia. Austria.

Oh, oh. You want me to keep going? I know all the countries. Two birds, one stone. Australia. All right. What? Yeah. what came first austria probably i think you mean the names yeah or like geographically names uh who copied who i don't know i don't know i don't think either is it a weird you would think more countries would sound actually similar to either. They do. Estans.

Oh, Costanza? Yeah. You going to dress like him next? Let's get to the next. He dies. All right. Uber Eats. You have a great joke about Uber Eats. It used to be your closer.

That a guy in the audience gave me. Listen, I am made up of jokes other people gave me. Okay. Uber Eats gets into the diaper delivery business adding a new delivery category uh yeah yeah i would think that diapers are the number one thing you're just like oh it's like dog food you're like i can't when you're a vegan there's nothing to give your dog like when you're when you eat meat and you run out of dog food you can go i'll give him some of what i eat when i run out of dog food, I have to go to the store.

Yeah, and every time your baby shits, it's a whole new pair of underwear. Like, imagine you shit your pants every time you had to get new boxers. You know what I mean? Diapers are so wasteful, but like, what are you going to do? They do groceries, prescriptions,

alcohol, and flowers. Essentially, they do everything that you need because you decided to have a baby choosing this subject noah this is noah telling me nikki you can use uber eats instead of asking andrew oh hilarious no no no it's tuned in no it's too uh no no it's tuned in for you're right um i i would not that's the what makes me scared about having children is the idea that I might

live in a world where another kind of COVID happens and I can't what am I going to do with a baby what if the diaper industry crumbles because society crumbles then I have baby shit all over me all the time what did they do before diapers

cloth diapers what did they do before diapers? Cloth diapers. And before that? What did they do for tampons? I guess you just shit outside. You shit outside. You shit outside. A week. Yeah.

Isn't it funny that if you have a small village, you can just shit outside. You start getting to city category. Yeah, plumbing became a thing. Yeah, there's a line between. That's when we were like, we need to do something with all this shit. Have you ever seen in medieval times there was a shit chute? What do you mean? It was like a slide?

So they would have a tower, like a stone tower. I always see it on Reddit. And you would sit in the top of the tower and shit, and it would fall down. Oh, like our garbage disposal. Like a garbage chute. And then it would fall into the ground, and then there would be someone that would scoop the shit. It was their job to scoop shit and take it out of town. But plumbing is seriously fucking incredible.

Thank God. The water system, all of – it's like that Louis C.K. joke where people are like, oh, my phone. I can't – it's like you couldn't even conceptualize what led to your phone being a thing, the glass being cut, the technology inside. Nope. I couldn't. If there were, I said this before, the Louis C.K. joke, I always wanted to write a joke. If everyone that has ever lived had the same brain as me, we would still be hitting rocks.

If me and you had to make skyscrapers. There are millions of us. We wouldn't eventually figure out how to make technology. It would never happen. No, we would just laugh about, like, look how dumb we are, dude. I can't even start a fire. We would just make fart sounds. And maybe we would have come up on how to draw things on caves in blood.

Yes. But they even did that technique where they would put a like take a hollow bamboo and put red paint or dye that they got from like crushed up berries and then they would spray it and go and spray their handprint i mean that's like the earliest uh art i went oh my god i can't talk about yesterday but i learned that um owls are one of the earliest like cave drawings horses and owls are and owls that you see on the cave in France, that's the earliest art that they found

made by humans. I don't think art is made by animals, but the earliest art that they found made by humans. Yeah, by him on a bridge over troubled water in a bridge in Olduvai Gorge was of owls and horses. And you could look at those pictures of owls now and any-

You could call me owl? Yeah. Anyone could recognize that it's an owl. Like any person in anywhere would go owl. And that's just so cool that something that was made, you know, thousands, like tens of thousands of years ago, we could still go, oh, that's an owl. Like they haven't changed.

And there's still something that we want to draw. It is funny, like hieroglyphics, like no one was like that good of an artist. But they also didn't, they had to like carve. But it was the same thing as like tools. Like we didn't have like hammers were just like, like, you know, the tools that Indians use, Native Americans used were just so advanced.

Dude, if we were in the woods, me and you, and we had to figure out. Naked and afraid, fuck. I can only get one of those right and it's the wait no i can get both of them right and that's all i can do out there that show have you ever seen that show first of all naked and fray would be way scarier if you had to do it in new york like let's do that yeah because everyone would be looking at you all the time i know it's such an that show is so interesting i love watching the beginning of it when they just first meet and

they're both just like naked that's so fun there used to be this show called Dating Naked and that was so fun it was on VH1 and you would just first date

you would do naked dating I thought that was a great idea we should bring it back they go like this remember they go they'll like look at the dick and the pussy and then you get used to it

yeah and by the end of it they just don't care and yeah okay next story so i don't know how we got from there to there but but hey look we diaper delivery a 24 year old woman was riding a lime rental moped in brooklyn when she was struck by a box truck launching her body forward in front of the vehicle and killing her no i was really holding out hope for that whole story that she was going to make it.

Fuck. No, she really Ryan Dunn. Too soon? Too late. Oh, that's such a shame. Yeah, those Lime scooters are so dangerous. I was watching on Reddit the other day. This girl was riding a bike and you can just see how people make one.

There was someone filming these three people riding a bike across the street. And the girl saw the guy filming. So she was just like kind of like looking at the camera and kept going and kind of just steered out. It's in the Reddit subreddit called no, no, no, yes. And you think something bad is going to happen at the end. It's yes. There's also yes, yes, yes, no, no. There's also maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe. There's like all these different subreddits but this is no no no yes so she's and she just you could see

this huge garbage truck a second earlier she would be you would watch her get flattened and just that's the thing with the trucks is but her bike her bike wheel bends. And she's just kind of laughing. And it's like, that reaction is... When I hit a garbage man with my car and thought I killed a man, my first reaction, I was laughing hysterically. Because it was so upsetting. That it was just like...

And I was so scared. And it was so unbelievable to see death. Look death in the eyes. Literally, it was slow motion. He jumped and we locked eyes. And then I thought he died because I hit him with a car. We also reversed. Back over him.

And then forward again. The whole time laughing though. But it was only because of shock. And awe. Aww. That's so sad. I'm so sorry for that woman and her family and the charge they're going to get for that Lime Scooter.

She never was able to shut it off, so she's probably still being charged. You know, that was the number one part of the story. The first line was woman charged. Her parents owe $57,000. Yeah, and it's running still. So to pay for their funeral costs. Lime Scooters are so fun, though. Don't... Well, three people's running still. So to pay for their funeral costs. Lime scooters are so fun, though.

Well, three people died last year in New York from it. It was a moped. And Andrew's referring to the Revel program, which is also a moped where people died. Okay. So these things are really fun. Yeah, but a moped is like a, that's a vehicle. That's like people think they get to ride a

motorcycle are fucking they can go fast and they are a vehicle watch you guys don't go on sidewalks seriously and be careful on those things don't do it when you're drunk all of that and i'm so sorry for that girl's loss and i also i'm sorry for ryan dunn's loss still yes me and amil uh rode lime scooters throughout dc yeah and his didn't have brakes and uh that's a that's a liability waiting hey he's the opener you i you know i do two more minutes i get to hang it up hey i hazed his ass no no no i really didn't but he cut the brakes but it was it was funny though because we were going through the intersection and i go go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And he couldn't stop because he didn't have brakes.

Oh, it was a great prank. And we'll miss him. Yeah, he's dead. He's dead. But yeah, no, I think like- Just kidding. How many times were you walking through New York? We've talked about this before, where you cross the street, or maybe 10 streets, and

you're like, oh, I haven't looked once. And you're like, and then like looked once like and you're like and then like i don't know there were many times where i almost got hit by a car i know i'm not the only one out there how many times have you looked at your phone when you're driving oh yeah and looked up and go i don't remember the last time i looked up how am i in nebraska and i should maybe build a house here let me say i know that's terrible, but yes. I'm just saying it's happened to me before. Not proud of it.

And I do everything I can when I'm in the car now to go, no, no. I don't write back to people. I try to put it on midnight mode like I'm masturbating, and I don't want to text from my dad about my Aunt Lynn dying. You missed that part of the show yesterday. That's how I found out. I put my phone on midnight mode to masturbate when we were in Cancun. Yeah.

And as soon as – and then I'm, like, done masturbating. I'm just, like, lying in my own filth and shame. And I put it out at midnight mode and it's just, like, dad that's – and then all of a sudden a text from dad, they found Lynn today. Lynn passed away. And I'm just, just like i have like like cummed on toys in my hand and like a girl being violated on my screen and i'm just like laying there naked i'm like oh god she's probably looking at me right now oh yeah and lynn yeah

it'll pass all right so sounds like she went midnight. Let's take a break and come back with Oh, it's our weekly sports moment. We took a break. We didn't do it last week, so let's do it when we get back. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast.

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founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. All right, let's do it. Hit it, Noah. Here's Andrew's weekly sports moment. Oh boy, I think you're going to love this one, Nick. 105-year-old, 105. Wow. Julia Hawkins set a world record completing-

Marathon? No. You think a 105-year-old can run a marathon? I bet you anything a 105-year-old has done a marathon. No way. I'd bet a million dollars. Really? Not a million.

No, I'll look it up. The oldest person to run a marathon. I go, okay, before, let's guess here. Run is a, I'm just saying complete a marathon. Okay, complete a marathon without any wheelchair, no electric. Okay, but tell me what this, while she looks it up, tell me what this 100-meter dash is.

She just ran a 100-meter dash, which when you say marathon, it's like nothing anymore. No, but a marathon, I think, would actually be more easy because you could go slow. A 100-meter dash seems fast. Well, nothing's fast for a 105-year-old. I mean, they have video of her running. Why did she do this?

She runs every year. I mean, that's what she looks like. She is kind of cute. She is cute. God, 105 years old. She broke the records, too. Like, she got under a minute, 100 meters. I mean, I don't know that I could do that.

Yes, you did. Under a minute. You probably could run. Oh, is this her? Oh, my God. She's so cute. What a cutie. Look at her go.

Oh, my God. She looks amazing for 105. I mean, 105, that's insane. I'm so scared her bones are just going to snap. Oh, honey girl. Think of what she's witnessed in her lifetime. 105, what does that make her born in? The 19-teens.

I know. She's seen the Snuggie. She saw the Snuggie. She saw TLC Scrubs. She saw the show Scrubs. She saw Left Eye, tragically. Oh, my God. That video.

Talk about a last image. Reddit. Have you ever seen the video like right when the crash happens no of a car crash yeah car crash she's they're they're filming like a documentary slash reality show and she's in the or maybe someone in the car was filming her as she slept oh yeah and they're all just like peacefully like filming and then all of a sudden you see like oh fuck and then it's like you see her sleeping. And then it's just the wiggle of the camera. And then it's like lights out.

It's so scary. So I'm guessing marathon oldest person. I'm going. I'm going 103. I'm going 85. No way. Okay. Well, on a quick search.

Quick go. What did you say? 103? Yeah. Okay, on a quick search, it says 89. Yes. But also, I can't read all these websites right now. So I don't know if it's true or not.

Wow. Wow. I mean, good job. 103, Nick, 26 miles? I don't know, dude. I just think humans are capable of so much I think you're probably gonna get to a point

later on in life if you live long where you're gonna like get really into running cause you're gonna you know just be like

yeah I'm gonna have a brain damage that makes me not be able to process time that's when people can run like hundreds of thousands

hundreds of miles their brain stops it's their short-term memory goes to shit so they always think they just started running and if you if your brain that's why when i'm running long distances sometimes i just go pretend like this is the first mile just trick your brain into thinking and then all of a sudden you get this like you get a new energy and it's so much of your tiredness is about how long you've been going

which is interesting because it's just your thought it's not actual because navy seals say that when you feel during a workout like you know we've all been in the spin class before orange theory those boot camps where we're like i'm going to die like i'm gonna pass out and they say you have 15 times i mean that amount times not just 15 more minutes 15 times the amount before you actually your body would actually give up because it's so mental so that 105 year old could have ran a thousand meters or 1500 if she was really doing that 105 is insane and i was listening to a podcast about aging and they're like whether or not the human body might find a way to survive into 140 like numbers like that pretty soon. But your brain does not last that long.

We haven't found a way to keep the brain working well for that long. So you might live to 140, but you're going to still, you're going to have the brain of a 100-year-old, which like you can't, your brain deteriorates no matter what with age. And they haven't found a way to not have it do that.

Your body is going to look insane at 140. I know. i mean i guess people were saying that when you're dying at 30 and people were like people are living to 50 yeah i mean but we've seen 105 but brains haven't caught up like even our brains now like that's why no one makes it past really i was listening to sam harris talk about it with ricky gervais and he's like you know ricky's like like, now, is it anyone who, like, your brain just, like, doesn't deteriorate? And he's like, no.

Like, there's no evidence. There's fairly lucid 90-year-olds, 80-year-olds, octogenarians, 90-generations, whatever it's called. But it's... I wonder what age your brain is the best. Probably 27. That's when it's still taking in things but no i think i think

it's done by then let's get to phanthrex my one other question we only use what 10 of our brain and not the most absurd fact oh i don't know when that's true hey i that that's that's what I've heard. We need to Google that too, but not now. Google helps us use the other. 90%. It takes up the other part that we're not using. We just turn to Google. Okay, Fanthrax.

Fanthrax. The world. All right, let's get to it, Noah. What do we got? All right, our first voice message is from Steph. All right, let's get to it, Noah. What do we got? All right, our first voice message is from Steph. All right, Steph. Hi, Nikki, Andrew, and Noah. This is Steph living in Berlin, Germany.

First of all, I want to say thank you sincerely for the work you do. You help a lot of people. I'm a day one bestie. I'm so similar to you guys in myriad ways i can't believe i found my tribe in a podcast because i'm not really a fangirl of anything i'm a little like that but i'm a fangirl of this place and i'm part of this group um you guys are all so vulnerable you share your secrets so willingly and help so many people. You inspired me to want to share a secret back with you to level the playing field. And my secret is, is that I've been living without my two front teeth for the last six

months. That's right. I'm a 31 year old woman and I've been living without my two front teeth. I look like a six year old child in the body of a 31 year old woman. Truly only like my mom and my boyfriend know this. I've been hiding it from everyone I meet, all of my friends, all of my acquaintances. I have this like fake set of teeth that I have to wear and it's really, really stressful. I even dropped them on a Greek island in the middle of summer and snapped them in half. Thank God for face masks, honestly. I've had an infection in the bone. I have to get them

replaced, but I just wanted to share that secret with you guys so I can feel a bit more empowered, a bit less fearful to be who I am. I'll see you guys in LA. All the swells, all of the love. Can't wait to meet my tribe. Thank you for being in LA.

Oh my God, Steph. I freaking love you. Thank you so much for sharing that. I mean. I can't get over the voice, the rhythm of her voice, the honesty of her mouth. The honesty of her mouth. I love that. She is so sweet.

And that must feel freeing to just admit it and to say it into the world and think, oh my God, maybe it's going to be out for thousands of people to hear this thing that I'm admitting. So congrats to you for just doing that. And what a new that's what a cool thing. We can ask people to share their secrets with us. Oh, that's fantastic. I love that stuff. Steph, you just like started a new segment with us for Fan Threats.

If you have a secret that you want to put out there share it with us and and um a little crass here you take it out for the blow job because i think that could be a thing i think it could the other teeth like next to it could like be very sharp if they're not unless he has a skinny penis but um my dad actually had to have three teeth removed because of um a bone infection last week and i don't know if i had talked about that maybe that's why you're sharing that but um he now has he had his front three teeth removed and was very insecure about it and has to wait four months for it to get made stuff i'm wondering when you'll get your teeth put in but like um yeah bone your bone infection is not your fault even if it's like because you

didn't floss that's still not your fault you just didn't prioritize flossing because of things that led you to not care about that as much and it's not your fault either so um i'm so sorry that you are insecure about that and i'm grateful for you that you got to have the mask situation as well and um yeah i i would honestly think it's cool if i met a 31 year old woman who didn't have front teeth and like was just like oh i just like you know like my bone infection i'm just waiting like i think it's something that i hope this first step can take you to a place where you could maybe like be light with yourself about it and like gentle with yourself and be able to like kind of make fun of it and um our friend stavros

yeah he just he was missing a tooth i mean and he was gonna get replaced and then he just like check out stavros halcius uh uh sorry what was her name again seth um i think he's uh i think he has a tooth now though but it it's Stavi Baby on Instagram. And he was supposed to get replaced right away. And then he just left it. And it became this charming thing. And he got laid so much from it. Because it was just someone that's confident with no teeth.

It does something to you as a woman to be like, this guy has no tooth. He should feel ashamed of that. Because based on what we think people should feel about not having teeth. But because he didn't care, it so hot it is hot and steph um i'm turned on by your vulnerability and your beautiful voice and um i might not remember when we meet in la that you're the steph from take your teeth things so just please you can just whisper and be like i'm from i'm steph from berlin and i'll remember um can't wait to meet you next next fanthrax okay next one is from grace hey nikki andrew and noah this is grace

from denver nikki i have a ticket to your show coming up in a few weeks and i am super excited about it but i had to call in today because I was at the drugstore earlier and I needed a blending sponge for makeup and I went to go grab it and it was locked on the hook and I was like there's one guy working at this Walgreens I don't want to have him come unlock this blending sponge that's $5.99 so I was, this is exactly what Nikki was talking about. I'm going to buy it. It's fine. I'm going to buy the blending sponge.

And so I just ripped it. And I walked around the store and I did the rest of my shopping and I checked out and everything was fine. So what you said helps me in that moment, Nikki. And it made me laugh. And I'm looking forward to the show. All the swells. Hell yeah. I was wondering. I was so scared

that she was going to get in trouble. I was like, oh, no, no, no. Please let this... I thought it was going to be the Lime Scooter story. I was like, please let her survive this. This was a no, no, no, yes. Oh, that was a total no, no, no, yes. But also, it was a yes, yes, no, no, yes. Because I was like, yeah, just rip it no, yes. But also, it was a yes, yes, no, no, yes! Because I was like, yeah, just rip it.

And then I'm like, wait, don't! Yeah. If you're gonna buy that shit, that's the thing. Sometimes I go to a Starbucks and I start, I just grab a drink that I know I'm gonna get on mobile order. Say I'm waiting for my mobile and it's not ready yet and I see the cooler and I'm like, I want sparkling water.

I do the mobile order and I just grab the sparkling water and it looks like I'm stealing and everyone there might think I'm stealing but I know I'm doing the right thing so I'm okay with it. You know? Yeah. No I think like yeah just rip and go. Also don't pay for it sometimes. Maybe if you rip it though you'll

go oh man I just got away with something that felt good let me just walk out of here with it. But don't do that. Please do not steal. Yeah, stealing. Maybe someone will write in and tell us they're a kleptomaniac. If you're an adult woman who's still stealing, leave us a message or a man

who's still shoplifting. I will not judge you. Maybe you get it off your chest. It would help you stop doing it. But I think that if I never got caught shoplifting, I would still be doing it. Just blur out your voice. Yeah. Oh, wait. Oh, I'm sitting on Just Kidding.

Oh, my God. Whenever I sit on my mom's Just Kidding, it sounds like her voice is coming from my ass. Just kidding. And I wasn't. It really did. Okay. Next fanthrox.

All right. Next one is from Leanne. Hey, Nikki, Andrew, and Noah. Long long time listener here since the uf days first i just want to thank you guys so much for doing this podcast i listen every single day on my way to and from work i have an ssd day that is an hour drive and i used to be so nervous driving on the two-lane highway to get there nikki i just so relate to your fear, but actually now I look forward to the drive because I get to listen to you guys. So I have a quick story. I was at work the other day, um, at my SSDJ, very quiet office. There's only a few people in there. I can't even

eat my lunch in there. Cause you would be able to hear me crunching on my shredlet throwback to episode 21. So I took my AirPods out of my case the other day to listen to music. And you know how sometimes it will disconnect, reconnect to your phone and your phone speaker will play something out loud. So I just hear in my dead silent office,

why do I care? And it was so loud. My phone was literally on the top volume. I just kind of played it off, said sorry to the old lady behind me because she was laughing and I really hope that she's secretly a bestie.

It was so funny. I have a quick Miss Conanti-Aitzen story as well. My boyfriend was reading off some seltzer flavors and he accidentally said papaya instead of papaya. So now I always think of you guys as papaya. I see the word papaya. What a papi. All right, love you guys.

I'll see you in Ben Salem in December, Nikki and Andrew. Where is she going? Where was it? To Salem. Salem. We're going to Salem? In Oregon? Oh, wait, hold on.

Winston-Salem? I don't know. North Carolina? I didn't catch it, but you'll see her. I didn't catch it either, but we'll see. Just tell us next time, and maybe I'll listen to it on the replay. So love all the, first of all, SSDJ and the Shred Let and the just so many references in there. Loved it.

She also gave you a kiss at the end. I don't know if you heard that. She did? She just went like, a mic kiss? A mic kiss. I kissed the mic today thinking think it was luigi's head i literally was petting luigi and i was just like and i was just like what am i doing and i did it twice we're gonna put it on the instagram because it was before the show was really weird um so many

things to say there i hate when it accidentally is playing loud oh my god and people for a second think that i'm one of those people who listens to my stuff loudly. I mean, thank God it was just, why do I care? I mean, I was thinking it could have been me crying. That's always my biggest fear is it's me being like, and I was anorexic when I was 18 and people were like, oh, shut the fuck up. Or like, I just don't feel pretty today

and my life is so bad. That is, yeah, I hate when that happens. And I'm so sorry you have an SS DJ. To everyone out there who has a soul-sucking. An SS DJ, yeah. Soul-sucking. Desk job. Desk job.

Day job, desk job. Oh, sorry, day job. No, I think it's desk job. But I think maybe day job fits too. In case you're not at a desk. Yeah. Some people just work at a grocery, whatever. It's something that's soul sucking.

Shout out to you. Not everyone has to have a career that fulfills them and gives them purpose. I think that there's so much of those jobs that can make you feel like you're not succeeding in life. Some people don't live to work. They work to live. And I think that that's we need people to do ssdjs and that's not to say like just stay in your position and never strive for something more like obviously follow your heart but um if you if you can have an ssdj that someone else might look at and be like i could never do that that would be hell you might be able to enjoy yourself there's

certain jobs i've had in the in the past where i go you know if i didn't if the things i love wouldn't have afforded me a career like comedy like if i was into i don't know paint by numbers and i'm like i can't monetize this i might be able to have an ss there's certain ssdjs that would have really behooved me final thought thought. Kristen and I ran into one of, you know the woman that cleans the, like she's an older woman who's probably in her like 50s. Who cleans an apartment?

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she cleans our apartment building and she's so cute and some days I just like, I feel sorry for her because I'm like, she should be retired.

She has to clean up after like people. Like she's cleaning our floors. She probably couldn't afford to live here with the money she's making. And I'm saying probably as in I know with the amount of money she's making she couldn't. And it's like, that must suck. And I was with Kirsten, and I was like,

I always try to be so nice to her. You don't know that she actually owns the building? She just cleans it like it's her own apartment. I wish. That would be the best story. Yeah, that would have been a great, that would have been a no, no, yes. oh my god but i i was getting in the elevator and i mean kirsten and i had just seen her and uh she she said something to luigi and it was a sweet little interaction but she just seemed sad to me and she's never listening

to headphones like i could always go oh at least she can still listen to podcasts all day she's just like in her own mind and to me that would be I'm like I hope when I'm her age I'm not doing that but at the same time I go Kirsten I just feel so sad for her like it actually I'm starting to like almost be like it's hard for me to look at her like that kind of bullshit you know like I wish I didn't have to see her because

it makes me sad and then I get and Kirsten goes I don't know I just like to think that maybe she loves it like why do we have to ascribe so much meaning to her life that, like, she's miserable? Like, if I were her, I would hate if people pitied me. And I was like, oh, my God, you're so right. Like, I don't need to feel that way about her. Yes, I can appreciate what she does and know that it's something I wouldn't want to do.

And so I should give extra, you know know I'm going to tip at Christmas and smile and try to have conversation and show my gratitude to her but the sense of pity is not one that I need to have for her because Kirsten's like maybe she gets feels good after seeing a clean carpet and maybe it's meditative for

her to vacuum she goes I don't know when I see people doing jobs that you know on the outside suck I just like to think maybe they enjoy it and i don't need to because i because kirsten just said i would hate if someone looked at my life and said that's poor girl like i that's so sad she has to do that i also think and i was like wow that really i needed to hear that for my conversations with her while i'm hitting the elevator button as fast as i can so she can't get in but I I uh throwing your trash on the floor yeah get that yeah get that get that you missed a spot and you make it but I really do uh value her um no but like honestly like I uh when she she doesn't ever have had because she

actually loves conversation and I think like we look at it like oh my god I can't believe you're in your own brain but she probably likes it because she can talk to people and communicate and she doesn't feel like invisible that's what we do we like make these people invisible a lot of times because we can't handle the sadness that we think they're going through yes and that's what you know i had a i was talking about i forget what i was talking about on stage, but there was a few weeks ago, a woman in a wheelchair raised her hand in the middle of my show. Not her leg? That's so funny.

Thanks. I should have said that. But I go, and at first when I go, are you raising your hand? I didn't see she was in a wheelchair. And then I saw she was in a wheelchair and I thought that her hand waving

was maybe like a physical disability of like she was kind of like thrashing in her chair because of whatever she was dealing with that put her in a wheelchair so i ascribed all this meaning under oh she's in a wheelchair maybe she's not raising her hand maybe i'm calling on someone who's just having a tick of some sort that they can't help and then i and then all of a sudden i'm like oh wait she is raising her i'm like what's what's up she's like i want to say two things and i'm like okay and i'm, dear God. Because I was just talking about something offensive, a little bit offensive, molestation, something. And I was like, what's this going to be? She's like, well, as a woman in a wheelchair, I do feel invisible.

Because I had made a joke about dogs in wheelchairs. You can go, dogs in wheelchairs are great because you can go, oh, my God, it has wheels for legs. Look at it. And you can take a picture and go, what happened? Oh, my God, it has wheels for legs. Look at it. And you can take a picture and go, what happened? Oh my God, it's so cute. Look. But with people in wheelchairs, you just have to go like, you're the same.

I don't see it. And it's like, that doesn't help anyone. Yeah, I always go, I don't see wheels. But it's like, yes, you do. That's making them feel. And she said, I like, this woman in this wheelchair, and she doesn't speak for everyone in wheelchairs, but she said that I like when people ask me what happened and she was in a motorcycle accident

years ago with her boyfriend and so she has a I guess a more interesting story than maybe or you know interesting in quotes than someone who was maybe born with a congenitive is congenital genital I don't know a disease that they were born with that put them in a wheelchair but I think that people in wheelchairs I go so if I'm in line in the grocery store and I see you at self checkout or whatever I can go what happened to you and that wouldn't offend you

and she's like no and I'm like okay I don't know if I'm going to be able to do that to people but I know the answer for people who are maybe morbidly obese or have facial disfigurements or are little people or and we'll just anything that physically makes them stand out the answer is not not looking at them you want to know the difference to me she was in an accident she she has a story she has one she has a story maybe she wasn't driving I'm saying she didn't.

Maybe they drove recklessly, which led to the accident. What would be a story that someone wouldn't want to tell? If I asked what happened to you? Well, I'm just saying if someone's morbidly obese, they just keep eating. Well, I don't say to someone who's morbidly obese, what happened to you? No, no, no. I'm saying that's the difference, though, in my eyes. What do you mean? No, I'm just saying

about people that have something going on that you go oh that's diff that that stands out you know someone who's who's morbidly obese might stand out in a crowd of people who aren't like and and your first reaction would be i'm not going to look at them because they're going to think i'm making fun of them if i look at them or i'm judging them but truly you're just looking at them like you would in any other person and I feel the literature I've read from fat people who have written about the fat experiences that a lot of times they feel invisible

because people are trying to be polite by not looking at them but instead it makes them feel like they're not even there and they're ignored so it's like the attention they get is always negative because it's the people that go, oh, are laughing. And then the people that are decent who wouldn't ever do that don't even look at them.

So all they're getting is attention that's negative instead of just being looked at like a normal human. I think I guess if you're asking, you know, what's the story behind this? Like if someone's in a wheelchair. Yeah. It could be I'm too fat to walk. Well, that too but it could also just be seen as like oh what's what's what happened to this why you're why this negative thing is happening to your life like that yeah but i i mean i'm not i'm saying she didn't speak for everyone in wheelchair that was just her experience i would like to hear

from people who might be handicapped or have some kind of physical disability if you mind when children who don't have a filter who are generally the people that go what happened to you but like i remember seeing that guy in the camden islands who had a gigantic scar on his leg and let's be he was able-bodied but he had a gigantic chunk taken out of his fucking oh yeah and i go what the fuck happened to you and he goes i was attacked by a bear and he i go do people ask you about all the time he goes no and i'm like but you're always wearing time? He goes, no. And I'm like, but you're always wearing shorts. He's like, they just don't. I'm like, people see that. And that's a good story. People should be asking. And it's not your fault if you're obese. It's not

your fault if you're in a wheelchair. It's not your fault if you were in a drunk driving accident that caused like that you were the driver. Like you didn't want that to happen maybe you learned from it but um yeah even someone who's obese I mean I'm not gonna go what happened to you you were molested and so now you eat your feelings like oh cool story like there's always something you could there's always a story behind it but it's never oh you're just a lazy piece of shit to me that's never the answer and um I just yeah so I just I implore people to read about the fat experience because you can make or any experience that isn't your own because it's just so it's so good to hear from people who you assume you know what's going on you just you just don't like hearing from little people

like how that is walking around as a little person because so many people point you out i've been with so many people go a little person like person. People that are like scholars. Little or tall. Oh my god, that guy's so tall. Dude, how tall are you, dude? They get it all the time. I heard a story. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was in a elevator with Will Chamberlain. And a guy goes,

how's the air up there? To Will Chamberlain. And Will Chamberlain spit on the top of the guy's head and he goes, it's raining. And you have AIDS now because I've slept with 25,000 women. Hey, that's just hearsay. And you can't get AIDS from spit, so that's another thing.

And please don't cancel me. Alright, thanks for listening to the show, you guys. We will be back Monday. See you in... I'm going to be in LA Monday, by the way. I haven't told you guys yet.

I just changed it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm going to be remote next week. We'll see you in Columbus this weekend and Huntington, New York. And then the next weekend

we're going to be in Los Angeles and San Diego. Hope you come to those shows. And then Denver. With no teeth. And yeah, come with your teeth or without teeth.

We'll see you there. Thank you for the fan thracks. Keep them coming and we love you. And Luigi's getting alert because he knows it's coming. Don't be cut. And Jack Russell Terrier. Jack O'Meary.

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