The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #136 A Rock Throw Away

Episode Date: November 16, 2021

Between you and Nikki, she literally had to unplug yesterday, so thanks for the day off Besties! Andrew spent the extra time off apartment hunting while Nikki tried to catch up on sleep. After a dry wart discussion Nikki takes the scalpel to Andrew's Instagram post with poorly made captions. You Heard It Here First, Nikki know's Taylor Swift "All Too Well", break up lies and Adele didn't do it, so stop caring about celebrity setups. In Nikki's Reddit Dump they discover the poor smells of NYC, bad things to say during sex and a Final Thought about a vegan post. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult.

He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app,

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I'll distill the wisdom of world-class experts into easy-to-digest, actionable tips. Struggling with tough emotions? We have a how-to guide. Worried that you're not enough? We got you. Self-obsessed and want to get over yourself? There's a guide for that, too. The Happiness Lab's how-to season starts January 1st. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, this is Alex Kantrowitz. I'm the host of Big Technology Podcast, a longtime reporter and an

on-air contributor to CNBC. And if you're like me, you're trying to figure out how artificial intelligence is changing the business world and our lives. So each week on Big Technology, I bring on key actors from companies building AI tech, asking where this is all going. They come from places like NVIDIA, Microsoft, Amazon, and plenty more. So if you want to be smart with your wallet, your career choices, and at dinner parties, listen to Big Technology Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Hi, guys. Welcome to the Nikki Glaser podcast. It's Tuesday's episode. I'm so sorry that i wasn't uh around yesterday for an episode you know technical errors i brought the wrong equipment to um la and uh i'm i'm in los

angeles right now and i grabbed what i thought was all the right equipment to make this happen and it turned out i was missing a vital piece of the puzzle that makes this podcast sound good. And yeah, I just went back to bed instead. We got up and I texted Noah and texted. I sent a text message. I text messaged Noah and Andrew to be like, I forgot the piece. I just pack so hastily and just in such a rush that sometimes my way of life doesn't work out for me. A lot of times it does.

I feel like the way that I don't spend five hours packing for a trip like some people I know. And I'm saying that with disdain, but it's more disdain for myself that I'm not as organized. but I think some people spend like all day packing for a trip and it's like why just takes like just throw some stuff in a suitcase like I I know people that are like I have to pack for this trip and they are like it's like they go I gotta go home I'm I'm leaving town on Monday and I'm like it's Thursday they're like I have go, I got to go home. I'm leaving town on Monday. And I'm like, it's Thursday.

They're like, I have to start packing for this trip. And I'm like, what do you need to do? Just put clothes in a thing and shut it. I know people who buy new things for their trip. They'll go shopping for clothes to wear on the trip yeah i mean that's i think that's what people do because on vacation you're like a better version of the person you are outside of vacation so you have to like you know you're going to take a lot of pictures you're going to maybe see people that you don't normally see so it has to be like you you're just, you know, you have to present this like better version of yourself.

And it's fun to have like fresh vacation clothes for like a different climate. I think that's a lot of it. Yeah, I just don't understand just taking all, like some people just are slower. And I wish I were sometimes because things like this happen. But I also get a lot more done I think because I do pack like a banshee before leaving like I was just running around the house our flight was at

it was early it was at 10 yeah it was early it was like nine o'clock and so I had to get into an uber I said 7 30 but that leaves me time to be late. So I just have to be at the airport 45 minutes. I check my bag 45 minutes before a flight because that's the cutoff time for checking a bag. And if you miss that, you can't get on the flight because you got to check a bag. So I always have to be there 45 minutes before. And I usually leave myself 10 minutes of wiggle room. So I try to get there 55 minutes before because I have status at all the airlines so I can just get in the quick line.

And if Andrew's with me, he can ask the person in front of me like, hey, can we get in front? But like, I never am. It's rare that I'm like, oh my God, I'm gonna like not make this flight. So, but I always just wait to pack. Like I'm serious. If I'm leaving at 7.30, so like my make this flight. So, but I always just wait to pack. Like I'm serious.

If I'm leaving at 730, so like my goal is 730. That's really not going to happen. It takes 20 minutes to get to the airport. That leaves me 10 minute window before I have to, or no, it leaves me a 25 minute window before my bags, before I would miss my flight which is a good window and um I probably start packing at let's see I'm leaving at 7 30 I wake up at 6 15 and then I eat breakfast and that I'm just like I don't want to go pack and then I probably start packing at like 645 and I'm just really dawdling because like I'm just like slow and it's the morning.

And then I start looking at the clock and it's like seven o'clock. And then I'm like, okay, I have a half hour. Like, that's fine. And then you start getting into toiletries and that's where it slows me down. And then it's the little things. It's just all like the chargers.

Oh shit, I gotta bring my podcasting equipment. And I did bring the little things. It's just all like the chargers. Oh shit, I got to bring my podcasting equipment. And I did bring the right equipment. It is just Macs make their little port systems differently so that you have to buy all these attachments. I think that's the thing. You have to buy new chargers. And so I got screwed. But I don't know that I would have picked the right one even if I packed the night before I think I would have done the same thing I have to say though

I'm proud of you because you did something yesterday that I don't think you've done before while I was working with you you said you said you know what I wouldn't mind taking the time off because we were talking about you going to get the cable. We're going to do this whole workaround. It was such a gift. So I really appreciate the fans and iHeart and everyone allowing me to not have a podcast yesterday. It was freaking awesome.

Even though, you know, if I'm looking at my day, it would have been the one thing I would have liked to keep doing instead of all the other stuff I did. But I had to go get my hair done. And that takes three hours and costs $600. And I didn't even get a cut, Noah. Just a color, three hours, $600. And that is before tip.

It was $5.50 before tip. And then I think I tipped 25%. So what is that? I don't even want to do the math. So, yeah, got my hair done feel accomplished about that even though I'm having a little bit of stress about losing hair again like I don't know whenever I get my hair done they do such a good job of blow-drying it that it just feels so thin like it feels so straight and thin it doesn't have any kind of like messiness to it that it just feels like a little Willie Nelson ponytail.

Like it just, the ponytail, my ponytail is just so sad and like a little biker dude, like sticking out of a helmet. I just, I'm having a little bit of hair anxiety, but I realized like someone asked me yesterday, like, do you register as tired ever? ever like how does it register for you like what does that even feel like to you and I was thinking that it doesn't really I mean I know right now I'm a little bit like good good because I haven't had caffeine but that's that's me uncaffeinated I'm not necessarily like I could go back to sleep right now which I'm listening to this podcast about sleep that,

you know that guy that wrote the sleep book that everyone was talking about last year? I forget what it's called. Why We Sleep. Yeah. He did a podcast with Sam Harris that I've been listening to. It's four hours long,

but I have been crawling through it because it's packed with such great information and they say like yes he says that you know people always ask me how do you know if you're not getting good enough sleep and it's the answer is if your alarm goes off and you could keep sleeping that means you're not sleeping enough like Like, plain and simple. So I'm always tired, if that's the answer. But who isn't? I mean, who gets up and is like, I think Kirsten is the only person I know

who gets up and is like, I'm ready to get up, and my dad. Like, they both just, like, like, wake up naturally and, like, love, like, even if Kirsten had the ability to sleep in, she wouldn't need to because she goes to bed at the right time and wakes up.

It's just so admirable. I am... Okay, well, there's a sign. I just yawned. Sorry if you yawned with me. That means you're empathetic. My dad told me recently that... Well, I know that when dogs yawn,

it's not because they're tired. It's because they're happy and, like, excited. Really? That's what I read from a Cesar Millan book. Oh, my God, my cup matches my wall, matches my mic. Oh, my cankers are also back. And that always is a sign of life being a little bit more difficult. It really does put, like put an overall damper on things

when you have chronic mouth pain. And that's your work. You use your mouth for work. Yeah. Yes. So it's been painful, but I'm getting ahead of them. So they're not going to get as bad as last time,

I don't think. But it does scare me. And it's just like a symptom of being tired and stressed. And I have to do that mantra Carl gave me. I create joyful experiences for my loving world. I create joyful experiences for my loving world. I really do. But, um, but my, but my friend asked me, how does tiredness register for you? Like, how do you know when you're tired? I know when babies are tired cause they rub their eyes, you know, like that's a sign that a baby's or they get cranky. I think that's how I know. I just get, I get depressed. I think I just, I think my, my energy reserves, like the first thing my body does when it has energy is fight against my like low self-esteem. Like it creates like a barrier of like, that's the, that's what I save all my energy to do

is like, even if I have the little bit, it's still like keeping me afloat of like, you're good enough. And like, I use that's always like my baseline energy. So when I'm sapped of energy, then I start using that energy that is being used to make me not depressed. And that's when I start, does that make sense? Like when I was anorexic, I started getting depressed because the last place your body goes to for fat before it takes every other piece of fat is your brain. And so then your brain starts eating it. You start like eating your brain because there's fat in your brain,

but obviously that's not the first place a body is gonna drain fat from. So like, I think my last line of defense for energy is like not worrying about what my body looks like, not worrying about my hair, not worrying about other people or like, and then when I get tired, I start to just get like really sad. And I think's I need to start it was an interesting question because I hadn't

thought about it like oh what does tiredness to me feel like I know it feels like oh I want a bed but what is I don't even know what that is um what does tiredness look like for you for me I get like brain fog like it just feels like inside of my skull is empty and no matter how much I search for it I just can't find a brain in there yes that's it too but that's interesting because when I get brain fog I just think I'm stupid I don't think I'm tired I just think you're not funny you never never were. You don't deserve to be a comedian because a lot of times that happens to me when I'm working, you know, and I'm expected to be funny or entertaining and I'm just so boring and can't think of anything. And I just go to,

you're, this is who you really are. You're like not funny, but it's just, that's tiredness. Kirsten said it on a group chat the other day of like like Nikki like brain like feeling dumb and feeling like not funny is like when she said something like when I'm tired when she's tired like her brain is just like and I'm just like I didn't

ever think I never connected those things it's so weird to be 37 and still learning like basic things about your body that, like I always took it as like, I'm dumb. I like, that's who I really am. And like, and because I am so, because my defenses are down for having like any, because I'm dumb, I can't even reason that that is tiredness. I'm like, it's cause I'm dumb.

Like dumbness makes you think you're dumb. Does that make sense? Like, instead of it's like, oh, I'm smart enough to know because I'm dumb. Like dumbness makes you think you're dumb. Does that make sense? Like instead of it's like, oh, I'm smart enough to know that this is tiredness. I'm too dumb to even know it. I don't know. I think it's maybe self-awareness. But it is interesting because I was just thinking about it this morning and I was reminding myself of what joy feels like. Because I think something so important that I learned is that our bodies have physical responses to our emotions. And it's important to see if you can just recognize what happens to your body when you're mad, when you're happy, when you're tired'll you'll get a better understanding of yourself

yes about how your physical body feels checking in with your body when you feel those feelings um yes yeah i feel like i'm so muted with my whole body like i never i remember going to a somatic like therapist and she would be like, so what are you feeling right now? Where is it in your body? And I was just like, I don't even know what that means. I would just make up,

I'd be like, my foot? I don't know. Because my bunion would be hurting or something. I mean, I guess that's an answer, but I never connect. Right now, I really feel it. Go for it. Yawn.

Do it. Tired. And like, I'm trying to think of where I'm feeling this tiredness. It's in my brain. Think about the meditations that Sam Harris teaches. And he also was very helpful in teaching me that. And he's like, when you close your eyes, focus on the breathing. And that could be anywhere. For me, it was the tip of my nostrils but it could be your elbow it could be your belly like abdomen yeah like wherever that is for you yeah so if you if you can relate it to that you might be able to yes help yourself out yeah i'm just like what right now even as as we're talking, I'm like trying to figure out where I can nap today because my body is crying for like, I'm a big morning nap person.

And because I haven't had coffee yet, because I'm staying at this Airbnb that just has a coffee maker, but it doesn't, I forgot to get almond milk and I just don't want black coffee. I should just do it. But, um, maybe when I bring in the Andrew,

well, um, I am just, my brain is trying to figure out when i can get a nap in so i'm like okay the people with cameras that follow me around they're coming to here in like a half hour then we're supposed to start like i'm just like where can i maybe they can film me sleeping i'm like maybe we'll do a scene where I nap I that's when I start negotiating I'm just like where am I gonna get it this is why I don't have kids because I

will be a nappy mom like I will be and I just get so scared that they're gonna be like mom's depressed because like I just want to nap sometimes I want my best naps are when I have an hour and 15 minutes. That's like a good nap. It'll take me like five minutes to get to sleep. And then that's a good one 10 hour nap. I haven't gotten to the part of the podcast where it talks about napping and like how and what's the best way to do it and stuff. But I do know that once you are in that deep sleep, waking up out of that, that can be

torturous. So the best naps are 20 minutes. That's like what's been proven. Do you nap, Noah? Sometimes I do. Sometimes we'll do like a family cat nap because Buzzy, my cat, he always has like a certain time of day from like 2 to 5.30. He's like the sleepiest guy,

and it's just so much fun to just take a nap with him. That's so cute. Oh my God, I want one today so bad. I don't know that I'm going to get it. A cat nap or a cat? A cat nap. Like the idea of having a cat, I'm like, that's just too much work.

It's moments like these that I'm so tired and overworked that I'm like, no kids, no dogs, no more pets, no more responsibilities, no more jobs, no more things. Um,

I like, and I've, I've lost a lot of sleep when I'm going to bed recently because I've been like binging Taylor Swift stuff because it's a very, it's a very, um, important time right now in a Swifties life. Yes.

The re-release of red came out and I haven't put out a podcast since that's happened. Andrew has a story about it that I'm, I cannot wait to get your take on the white house thing. Nope. Oh, I'm just, I'm going to try to guess. I won't try to guess. I jake gyllenhaal stuff is it

the scarf that they've located it close you're getting warmer that dionne warwick said that jake gyllenhaal should give it back there's a lot of stuff i mean like she is all over the news right now um yeah it's i i mean i am so into this her her SNL performance. Did you see it, Noah? Mm-hmm. It was so good. And I'm sure that anyone that's not a huge fan is like, boy, this was long. But to me, it was like a perfect, I could have gone longer.

And she's just so cool. And she was just so, I just keep watching it. There are just moments that I just can't get over of her looking into the camera and just, she seems so angry. And so, um, it's just like, you know,

I don't want to say angry, but yeah, there's moments where you can tell she's still in it. I just wonder like how her ex or how her boyfriend is handling her re visiting all these feelings about an ex. Because I feel like, oh oh it feels very raw to me how um the feeling she's accessing and of course she's like a performer so she's not like mad at SNL about Jake Gyllenhaal I doubt that that's like she's actually mad but she was able to sub in the same kind of like spite that she still has for him in that song.

And the new lyrics are so good. The new verses, I just didn't know what to expect from my favorite song, All Too Well, having, you know, five new verses in it. Like what would that would feel like? But it feels like a whole other song to me. And yeah, I performed all too well at a charity, like a fundraiser for the Wisconsin Democrats the other night that Ben Glee, my friend, put on in his house, and it was broadcast, and I didn't feel like doing comedy, and I just wanted to sing Taylor Swift,

and I had just really, like it was on Sunday, so it was just after that SNL performance that I could not stop watching and it was so fun to perform and the thing I do when I perform though is I start to increase the tempo so

fast because I'm so worried everyone hates what I'm doing so I just want to get it done quick because also that song is super long. I didn't do the 10 minute version one. I just did the five minute version one. But I probably made it two and a half minutes. Because I was so aware that everyone hates me.

And I think that's why I talk fast on stage. And in life is because I know. I'm so scared of how boring I might be. That I don't want people to have to suffer that long. It's all a defense mechanism. Like everything I do, I realize is because yesterday someone was asking me like, why do you wait to the last second to get, pick out an outfit for the stage? Why do you wait to the last second before you pack? And it's because I don't want to, when I'm, if I have free time that's filled with nothing, I need, I'll, I'll want to be unconscious for it. Like I don't want to, if I have free time that's filled with nothing, I'll want to be unconscious for it.

When I have free time, I'm in bed and trying to be unconscious. Because if I'm just awake, then I feel guilty that I'm not working on something I should be. There's never free time that's like, I don't feel guilty, except in the air. When I'm flying, for some reason, I can just read a book and stuff. It feels like, oh, I don't need to get things done. Even though yesterday or the other day, was it yesterday? Two days ago, I was flying from New York to LA

and there was a girl next to me on the flight and she was dressed so cute and she had so much hair and she was like on her laptop the entire time like writing. And I was just like so jealous and like so annoyed and i'm just listening to my white noise that's like and i have a sleep i'm using a tank top as a sleep mask i look insane i'm curled up in a ball and she's just like casually typing away sipping on her seltzer, and I'm just farting and using a scarf as a blanket.

I have my shoes off, and I put a Dasani bottle between my toes because my bunions were hurting. I was a nightmare, and this girl was just like, tick, tick, tick. Sarah Jessica Parker you know sex in the city on her laptop writing a story and I was so and she kept every time I woke up

I would look over and she was still typing it was like we get it you have your life together bitch let's bring Andrew in here Andrew John Stewart is back at the Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics,

entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control.

My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened and I made it into the rooms of recovery. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crems as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network, available on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party,

your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment.

Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Did you know that companies hire the most in the first two months of the year? Or that nearly half of workers are worried about being left behind? I am Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's editor at large for jobs and career development. And my show Get Hired brings you all the information you need to, well, get hired. People are forming opinions of you even before you log into the Zoom or walk into the room. And so you really have to think about what is it I want to display. You don't plant a garden and then just walk away and expect it to thrive.

You are in there pulling out the weeds. You're pruning it. You're watering it. It's the same thing with your network. You should always be in there actively managing your network. If you don't feel confident to say a number, even admitting that to a recruiter is going to be far better than saying, well, what is your budget for the role? A lot is in the follow-up, right? Don't wait to follow up. Whether you're a new grad, an established professional, or contemplating a career change, Get Hired is for you. Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you like to listen. Can you hear it? It's the whisper of two wolves inside you.

One says, you're not enough. The other says, keep going. You can do this. They're always talking. The one you listen to shapes your life. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. On my podcast, we explore how to hear the voice that matters, the one that leads you to courage, wisdom, and love. It's not about perfection. It's about direction. Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf.

Now it's your turn. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Andrew! I'm literally out of breath from a computer Yeah, a lot of technical issues

Like literally I mean, it's just I don't know, yeah We don't have to get into the specifics of C++ You know how I do when I start talking about computers Yeah, I mean you are wearing i bet it's 73 degrees in that apartment and you are wearing a sweater and an undershirt and pants and drinking a hot coffee could that be why you're sweating too

i mean there's a combination of things but uh i think it's more the microchips inside the radiator in there. Yes. Yeah. Of the computer. Do you keep it? Is it a little bit hotter in that apartment? Like, is it nice to... While you're gone? Well, I keep it at 70.

Yeah. I mean, it's been chilly here. So, you know, there's that game of should I even use the AC or should I use real life, you know? Real life. But, yeah uh yeah no we keep it around 70 i was like i'm reading this um all right i was listening to that podcast about sleep and it says that um at night to have good sleep you need to be cold like your body temperature needs to be cold at night and then you know a lot of people use lights in the morning to like wake them up like they have those alarm clocks that like the the

light turns brighter and then you're supposed to wake up like it's the sun but they found that people that don't use alarm clocks that live and sleep outside you know like indigenous peoples of the you know people that live outside still they studied them, and they sleep past when the sun comes up. It has nothing to do with the sun. It's when it gets warm. And so warmth wakes you up. So coldness puts you to sleep, and warmth wakes you up. So I'm right to have it cold at night.

Yes! Well, I mean, I agree with you. Look, I give you the win. However, there's been advancements where we could keep it warm and we don't even have to wake up because the saber-toothed tiger isn't trying to eat us when it gets warm out.

Yeah, but our bodies are still reacting to the ways that we were meant to be. But it was interesting to hear that, because everyone always thinks it has something to do with the sun or the light, which it doesn't. It's just the warmth of the light. Or the fucking rooster, the rooster that crows. Everyone's like, that's what time you wake up to get the farm going,

whatever the rooster wants. It's like, fuck you, rooster. You're not in charge of me yeah uh what are you are you are you calm down you're mad at birds this way i'm better now i'm still sweaty i'm still sweaty um how's it going how's your bed i'm good man things are great uh brenna's here she's been here the last couple days nice we've had a really really good time like just chilling just fun just fun time when looked at different places and we uh i don't know just like went out to dinner places they it means apartments yeah apartments we're looking at different apartments we're but very close by i'm gonna be able to still throw rocks at nikki is that how the phrase is yeah you're a rock throw away

you're a gunshot away yeah Yeah, point blank. Right. That's cool. Did you check out places in the same building? I did, but I think we're going to... That's too close of a rock, I think. I think Clayton, we really like. Yeah. And the Da Moon.

Da Mun. It's hard to decide whether you want like a nice rustic place with more room but you might have trouble with hot water or you might have you know just like little things as opposed to like a building like we're in currently but there are a couple buildings in clayton where like you know it's like the new age. It feels like a swanky hotel because it was at one point. Did you go to the Orion? No, there's a place called the 212 and Clayton on the Park. Okay.

And it's just like, it's fancy smancy, but it's not that expensive. And I don't know. I like Clayton a lot. It's a little bit more relaxed even than like he said clay clay you don't say clayton clay clay like when you live in clayton he did you know he just he just rolls off the tongue down there have you been playing golf miles away i did. I did. I hit some balls. I think I'm going to go play today.

I think she might ride in the cart. I always get worried that she won't be entertained enough to just ride in. Would you want to ride in a cart while a guy plays golf? I could always be on my phone. That is true.

And you're outside. Also, can't she just be... She could probably entertain herself alone as town she used to live in. I understand you want to spend time together, but that's what I always kind of butt up against when I'm on vacation with people. Or seeing someone that you haven't seen in a while

or visiting someone. You have to spend every waking second with them just because it's like, I still require alone time even when I have a three day visit with someone. I feel like now as an adult I'm entitled to be like, it's okay that

I want to go spend some alone time even though I see this person once a year and this is the only time we get to spend together. You know what I mean? But I think it's hard sometimes to do that. It is. And I think it'd be fun we did that yesterday she did it she had a job interview and i went and hit golf balls again so i got some alone time yes and she got one with a new employer she got with an employer that's true she couldn't bring you to that job interview? I think I would have ruined it.

It's for like a spa facial place, and they'd probably look at my pores and be like, if you can't handle your own house, I'm not going to be able to handle. I have so many blackheads. Which one? Aesthetician? Come on, try it.

Aesthetician. Good try it. Esthetician. Good job. Esthetician. Was that right? Yeah. Esthetician. Yeah, there you go. I couldn't spell it.

You have so many blackheads? I don't know. My skin, I don't really focus on it. Seems like you are focusing on it. I've never noticed you having blackheads. Who gets that close up to you except your lover? You know, like who gets that close that they would see your blackheads? I guess Luigi, yeah, does.

I don't know. I just never see people's pores unless they're like really gapers. Yeah. And do you like popping video? No, you just like warts. Yeah, I don't want i don't like like wet pops no i don't i'm not one of those girls that wants to like pop boyfriends pimples but i know there's lots of girls out there that like to do that i wish i were because

pimples are so much more prevalent than warts but and and they're like that's almost acceptable now to be like oh it's cute when you guys when you like you're picking each other's skin but like you know when you dig into your boyfriends like i want to i would love a boyfriend with planners warts but it's hard to find it's hard to find a good man with a virus taking over his foot you like a dry wart like i like a dry jerk you know it's very very similar i don't even like videos of warts where it starts to bleed, even though that's when you know you're down to the part where you can start treating it.

Man, I still even think about the one that was on your finger. Sometimes I look at your thumb and I'm like, God damn it, can I will it back just so I can pick at it? I wanted to get into that thing so bad i just never saw one so like blatantly like i used to have one on my thumb too and i miss it so much sometimes i'm just like please come back i used to like wrap so it was right here on my thumb like on the edge of my thumb and i used to um i wanted to torture it so i used to wrap my hair thing like know, the little black hair thing that you use to tie up your hair? I used to wrap it around it so tight that it would, like, cut off its circulation.

It would, like, torture it. Like, I just, I don't know why I want to torture things. You treat your own finger like it's in Guantanamo. Yes. It was threatening to bomb a building. I would make it listen to Baby Shark over and over for hours and hours. He's like, just take me off your thumb. Just take me, man.

I'll tell you everything, man. I'll tell you everything. I'll tell you. I never. It wasn't my fault, man. I just want to cut into it. Cursive was the same way. We used to torture bug bites by making x's in them with

our with our thumbnail and like just making it suffer she was put a curling iron on her bug bite which is that's next level but i do have some um like i don't know if anyone else gets this but like my i'm starting to get like skin cracks on my along my fingers and i'm getting some pretty good hangnails that I want to pour like hot glue in and then rip it out. Oh. Oh. I know, it's crazy. Why is it so satisfying? It's so satisfying.

While it hurts so bad. Yes. Do you have any videos that you watch on TikTok that you're like, oh, satisfying? Yeah. I mean, I love a chiropractor just getting down on someone's spine, breaking their neck. Oh, I don't like those a chiropractor just getting down on someone's spine, breaking their neck.

Ooh, I don't like those sounds. I don't like those. I mean, just once I want the person to die and just be like, then I'd probably get over the video. You know what I mean? Yeah, just have them. Just one crack and be like, whoops. I can't believe.

Was that the S8 instead of the V4 or whatever? They crack things so hard. I can't believe. The human body can take so much. They do one where they tie a thing around the neck, and they pull your head off. And they're like, yeah, you feel better? And everyone's like, I haven't felt that relief in 48 years.

Oh, my God. If these guys were really miracle workers we would hear about it a lot more than we do i don't believe that it actually does anything in the moment i think it's almost like they're like those guys those priests that are like shake people and are like jesus compels you to stand and then the person's like ah and then i'm sure they walk out and they hurt again it's like adrenaline can make pain go away. Like when I am on stage, my bunions, my feet hurt so bad in those shoes

as soon as I walk off stage, but I don't feel it at all when I'm on stage. I'm on stage for an hour and a half and I don't feel any foot pain. And then the second I walk off stage, it goes away. You think if you're in a wheelchair, your legs haven't worked for 30 years. Well, no, those people are actors.

Those people are actors. I know. But yes, I think that if HBO could cure so many people's disabilities by just granting them the ability to walk on stage and film a special. Actually, they would take the special away five minutes in because they gave it to them because they were handicapped. Oh, my God. That's hilarious.

They'd be like, you know what? I didn't realize your opener was you walking. Hey, we kind of only wanted you to have this when we thought you were. It's like the cancer guy on Ellen. Remember? He had stage 15 cancer. Yeah, I think that's what you were it's like the cancer guy on ellen remember he had like stage 15 cancer yeah i think that's what you were referencing he was a comedian that like wasn't didn't really have cancer did he fake it or he had like a minor cancer and he like made it seem like

major cancer okay okay well i mean i guess there's no minor cancer but you know he definitely uh said he had like eight months to live and then he just kept living. Oh, my God. Yeah. I mean, that's tricky because you don't want anyone to die. But when you think they are supposed to go and they keep going, you're like, this isn't what the plan was. It is interesting when people go like, know he has terminal whatever like he's gonna die someday and it's like so is everyone like don't we all aren't we all terminal

i mean we are i mean some of us have a longer uh terminal but yeah i'm terminal right now but you don't know you could be walking across the street today and get hit by something that takes you out quicker than someone who has a terminal thing. Not that I'm like. Especially at a bus terminal. Yes. Yes. Good wordplay on that. That is true.

Hey, you know what's happening here. Just kidding. Oh, my God. Good to hear you, Mom. What did we get into this weekend? We were in Columbus. We were in Long Island. You put up. Oh, yeah. I wanted to ask you about Mom. What did we get into this weekend? We were in Columbus. We were in Long Island. You put up...

Oh, yeah. I wanted to ask you about that Long Island clip. Why did I see that reposted this morning? Is it because the captions butchered what you were saying? I mean, the captions, yeah. It butchered it and then I... Why did you trust those? I have no idea.

I don't want to go and write it in myself. I don't even care. But didn't you watch it to see that the caption didn't fit? Yeah. But I'm confused. You did watch and you were like, it doesn't matter. Because people are going to watch that without sound and be very confused. Don't you realize that people watch things without sound?

And that's what captions are for? Yeah, you know, I... But I just want to know, did you know when you posted that clip last night that the captions are for? Yeah, you know, I... But I just want to know, did you know when you posted that clip last night that the captions were wrong? Or did you not watch it fully? No, when I posted it last night, I saw it, that the captions...

I didn't know you could change the words in Reels in Instagram. Right, but did you know that the captions were wrong when you posted it? Yeah, because I figured it's close enough, whatever. Right, but did you know that the captions were wrong when you posted it? Yeah. Or did you just not watch it? I figured it's close enough, whatever. And then I was like, wait, why am I? It was so bad. It was so off.

I know. Literally, it spelled Guantanamo. It was a joke how bad. You said Guantanamo and it said Guantum. Or it said Iguana or something. Which is pretty funny. Wait, you treat this like iguana that's pretty funny i was like so angry about it because i'm like this is a funny bit and no one's gonna hear it because you're gonna read the captions to go what the fuck is this guy talking about so then i reposted it today and i thought i fixed the

captions and then it just did the just started the captions and stopped captioning and then started again at the end. I don't know. It's a good bit. Richard Pryor didn't have captions. I don't need captions. You don't need captions. I should have just took the captions completely off, to be honest.

You could also just pay someone $20 to put captions on it for you or do it yourself. It doesn't take that long i know well i was gonna make it longer it was gonna be a two minute bit and that would have been a lot of captions but whatever you know what the lesson here don't trust the computer to caption for you when you already don't speak you know with that much dictation you know like you're already yes and it was like the sound isn't great on it it's so funny that you trusted the computer to caption it for you're like this is good enough that is the difference between you and me man were you not getting enough likes on it

or were people making fun of the captions that's my question like i was ready no no people liked it i just i honestly just posted it at like one in the morning so there was a couple things uh one the captions were horrendous and two i didn't want to i know my brain i would have stayed up till five in the morning to see if people liked it even though they're all sleeping because it's cold in their room and everything's great for them or whatever so that would have fucked with me so i just took it down i was like i'll just do it tomorrow and then i did it the next day and did it wrong again but i still stand by it's a fun bit it's very funny it's really funny are you going to be able to work it into your regular stand-up and not do

it when you're not in Long Island? I don't know. What do you think? I think I could do like a, you know, I was just in L.A. I think I could be like, wow, it's very relaxed here. I was just in Long Island. But it just feels right with a Long Island crowd to just make fun of them. But aren't you scared that people in L.A. this weekend are going to have seen that bit on your social?

No. And then they're going to hear you do it again and be like, we just saw this. No. Why? I don't worry about that at all. But why? Because first of all, I would say tops,

2% of people saw it. Tops, I think. But okay, let's say you were doing your own show in LA and it was you. You would probably still do that bit. And I would at that point most of the people because if they follow you on instagram they're probably going to go see you perform so you still wouldn't care yeah but why i want to understand why because i'm obsessed with like that you know in chicago there was a guy that was at the meet and greet after the first show and he was like i'm going to the second show and i go

okay well i have to do all new material for the second show because I don't want him to have to. You know, I didn't do all, but I probably did like 70% new material because this one guy. I mean, that's wild. That's wild, too. You know that. No, but that's wild because I'm doing like, I just don't understand how you can do material that you think that other people have seen it's my material I know but like

I saw Mitch Hedberg do 40 jokes that I know almost by heart at that time and I fucking loved every second of it now it's annoying when someone goes like they say his punchline for him fuck that but like I guess it's like i just look

at um new jokes as working hard and i don't want someone to think i'm lazy and i'm obsessed with that it's like i don't want people to be like i already heard this and then want their money back yeah i don't i mean look if uh if that's the kind of person you are, don't come to my show. Yeah. Your boy's lazy, but I'm very funny. But I'm just like, look, I don't, because it's my, if it was like, if it was like a joke from a special like seven years ago,

then I'd be like, okay, maybe it's time to change it up. But if I did it five days ago, and I put it on the, like, Instagram, and then you come up, and you're like... If I do it seven years ago, I would bring it back because, like Instagram. And see, I'm different. If I do it seven years ago, I will, I would bring it back because it's been so long that I don't remember.

I don't remember anything from seven years ago, let alone a joke of a comedian I like. So I would be more willing to bring that back then. Okay. So maybe two years ago, the day before two, two years, but I would never post it. That's why I don't post anything on Instagram is because I don't want people to see it and then come to my show and go,

we already know this. Oh, I was thinking more. That's why I don't wear the same outfits again because I don't want people. Everything has to be new because I know psychologically that novelty equals people like novelty. People don't like things they've already seen. Like when you look at porn, you don't go to old porn videos you've seen. You go to new things.

Men like novelty. New equals shiny and people like it. People don't like the same when it comes to entertainment. I don't know if your outfit I don't know if your outfit I don't know. I mean, it's different with guys

because someone like George Carlin could wear a black t-shirt and jeans every single special and no one would give a shit as long as the material is new. Yes. I literally wear this. I'm wearing the same bomber jacket literally five shows in a row. It's so much easier to be you than it is me. And I'm jealous. I got to learn how to be easier.

No, but there's things that I'm jealous of you. I mean, look, I look at it like okay like take someone like michael che right like he doesn't put any material he would never put a joke up well the reason why is one he gets to tell jokes every saturday and he has a special where all his jokes will be seen by millions of people if i had a special coming up and the person was like hey maybe don't put up you know your long island no one says person it's you you would still put it up if it's up to you that's the difference no one's telling me and michael not to put up jokes we are no but you do have okay okay agreed but if you told him okay so take the people telling me if i had a special

that was going to be filmed in a month, I wouldn't put my jokes up. I'd wait for the special to record. Yeah, but I don't even put up jokes from specials I've already taped. Well, that's a whole other thing. I know. What is wrong with me? I want to just let go and be able to just trust that Instagram will caption my video.

The difference between me and you is so vast. And I want to meet in the middle a little bit more because I think that I would get more done if I just relaxed a little bit and didn't, like I really almost lost my mind this weekend when it came to packing and stuff and like the difference and just resenting men and how they don't have to pack fucking anything and they don't have to worry about and everyone's always like why are you why do you check bags i don't know because i have

fucking so many liquids to bring and men don't have any liquids so many liquids to keep and then you have liquid you have shoes travel size it's like, well, I'm going to be gone two weeks. I use so much conditioner and the conditioner I use is $30 and so I don't want to buy it on the road. It's just like whatever. I'm just creating a reason to complain. Let's get to the news.

You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh boy. It's Tuesday. You know what that means? it's Tuesday. You know what that means, it's Tuesday. I do apologize for not having a show yesterday, but we both got hit by cars separately. I already told them what happened. Don't lie to them. Okay, damn it.

We weren't terminal yesterday. Was terminal. Okay. Hope you're having all the swells out there. It's going to be a great week. And we're going to be in L.A. this weekend in San Diego. So that should be fun. All right.

People are joking about Jake Gyllenhaal handing the baton over to John Mayer after Taylor Swift dropped the All Too Well short film. Fans think Dear John is next. Thoughts? Dear John is next. Thoughts? Dear John is next. Speak Now, which is her third album, is the next one she's going to re-record based on the hint she dropped in the All Too Well short film video. That's what Swifties are thinking.

And on Speak Now is Dear John, which is the scathing song about John Mayer and what she says. I mean, it's dear. Well, let me just look up some of the lyrics because I can never summon them from my own.

I don't understand passing the baton. Did he literally write something he hasn't addressed jake hasn't addressed anything yet i mean he's so big of a star again it goes back to like he doesn't need to address this now if he was trying to get more followers or more like he would troll back but he's going to be in another movie where he's going to make 20 million dollars and people are going to stop talking about once they start talking about John Mayer. Also, he already went through it.

Man, he is going through it again. Swifties are taking over his accounts. He's feeling it right now. It's a little much. Yeah, but do you think he should? I don't think this is right. I don't think it's right to bully a guy for something that happened 10 years ago.

And he didn't do anything that egregious to her. Taylor's, what do you mean? You don't know that. You have no idea what he did to her. And I also don't feel like we should punish anyone for literally anything because I don't believe people can choose the way they act. But Taylor has a right to still have feelings about it and release new

material about it. And she's everywhere. Do you think you have a right to get all in his, his stuff and bully him and like harass him? No, I don't believe that, but that's just, she can't control them.

She's not like sicking them on him. She's just still pissed off at him or she, you know, she's re-releasing her feelings that she had back then. And she's entitled to write a song about a guy that hurt her 10 years ago. She has every right to. Tell me why she doesn't. You don't think that she has any control over her fans in the regards of going,

hey, maybe let's not harass. It was a bad breakup. It sad i lost a scarf but let's not harass the guy 10 years later i think she's been she's already said something like that to them of like the people i write songs about it's she's she's put out a statement like that you can't control like this isn't like travis scott crowd control she's not like do whatever you can to get him back like she's not saying that she's writing a song where she expresses her feelings and people like treat her like you know she's their daughter and they're like you know mad and they want to defend her and they're kind of crazy and But yes, I do believe that he's,

as someone who has had, and everyone's going, it was only three months long. What are you so upset about? Stop that. Stop that because I've been in things that were three weeks long that will stay with me for a lifetime.

And it's not because I didn't get over the person or because I didn't meet someone else that I love more than that person. It's like sometimes things get unresolved and you still have feelings about it and like I I have for I I have been hurt by guys before in the same way that Taylor Swift was based on everything I can glean from all too well which is why I fucking love it so much the new lyric uh you were tossing me the car keys fuck the patriarchy keychain on the ground you were always skipping town and then this part she goes and we were

and i was thinking on the drive down anytime now he's gonna say it's love he never called it what it was i oh my god waiting for a guy to say i love you which is a separate issue and then a guy never calling it what it was being like we never dated what are you talking about we were like hanging out it's like shut up like don't tell me like there's I've been her before

and I get it I get all those things I have no problem with like her writing lyrics and being emotional and being upset. I just hate the harassment. I'm mad at the fans. And look, come after me. It might help my, you know, if any of you know how to do captions, I could really use

the help. That'd be nice of you. Did you watch her SNL performance and what did you think of it? I thought it was great. I think Taylor Swift's fantastic. i don't have anything your voice doesn't need to reach a new octave i was just asking for an actual it wasn't a defensive thing of like i thought it was great like i'm asking like what did you think of it oh i i enjoyed it i thought it felt like its own little movie on top of them it was like a fan it was like one of your reaction videos to her own

video about herself i don't know it was like yeah one in the same it was uh and it was interesting it was uh it was um it changed like it felt like a story was being told like i mean she's an incredible storyteller and um i don't know it just felt like it had like six different parts the it's like the best time of my life with this new re-release. There's all these songs from The Vault, which is like all the songs she wrote for this album that weren't released. The new song that got put out yesterday, the music video for it came out yesterday is what I meant to say.

Blake Lively directed it. It's called I Bet You Think About Me. And Chris Stapleton is on it. It is so good. At the very end, oh and by the way, let's revisit the Dear John lyrics that are just, I mean she wrote this when she was 19

and she said you're an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry, never impressed by me acing your tests. All the girls that you've run dry have tired lifeless eyes because you burn them out. Jesus.

And she goes, I see it all now that you're gone. Don't you think I was... She goes, dear John, I see it all now that you're gone. Don't you think I was too young to be messed with? The girl in the dress wrote you a song. You should have known. You should have known. Don't you think I was too young? You should have known. You should have known. Don't you think I was too young? You should have known.

Oh, she's so much more like a vault, like to be 19 and to tell someone, don't you think I was too young? And then, oh, with the Jake Gyllenhaal thing saying like he, so in the short film,

or I guess in the song, she says like, uh, he says she's too young and that's why they broke up which is another thing that really bothers me that guys do when they break up with you is they don't tell you the real reason they just pick one that like you

can't argue against they'll use something against you for breaking up with and girls do this too I don't this isn't just a guy issue but like they'll say you know like we have to break up like it's just if you were if you were older it would work like they make a thing that you can't change so that there's no arguing of like but i'll get older for you like there's nothing you can say that's you're you're

put into a place where you have no it's it's and they think you're they're doing you a favor by picking something that is um not your fault i guess and then but then she goes on because i remember i heard that lyric and i didn't know where it was going and then at the end she's like she calls bullshit because she goes you know you always thought my jokes were corny she says like the joke goes i'm not good at telling jokes but it goes uh you know i stay the same age and or like no no, I get older, you get older, and all your girlfriends stay my age. So it's like the whole thing of you're too young wasn't even true.

I remember when a guy said that we couldn't be together. Yes. I get older, they stay the same age. Remember that? I mean, she even says it's how the joke goes. So she's referencing that it's not like something she came up with gotcha um yeah no i uh i think yeah that's tough because if you can't it's like you'd rather be told like oh actually no it was your bad or not

even your bad something you could control something you could actually change because then you could be better for the next person if you could have or whatever it's just dishonest everyone's a liar and it's it hurts to break up with people i remember one guy told me um it's because i didn't want kids and he wanted kids and he thought that was like yes but it was really because he was talking to someone else at the time and he was interested in someone else and didn't like me because i had sex with him and he didn't like people that liked him back like it was about that but instead he was like it's because you don't want kids and i do and i remember going actually i i don't know that i've ever said that he's like yes you did you did a joke about it you said that and i'm like oh that was a joke and he's like

well um and i was like i'd be down to have kids he's like okay and I go I probably want to adopt I don't want to have my own he's like oh yeah I want my own okay oh man and I'm like he's scrounging for anything he was just like oh man if you wanted your own we could be together I'm just like you would

it's because you're literally actively texting another girl right now don't act like this is about me not wanting kids and I'm some like you know I'm just it's because you're literally actively texting another girl right now. Don't act like this is about me not wanting kids. And I'm some like, you know, I'm just, and then that makes you feel when you're a woman that doesn't want kids and a guy has that reasoning,

it makes sense if that's the actual reasoning. But if it doesn't, it just is like, it's more rhetoric to make you feel like a, like a bad woman that you don't want kids. Like you're not complete. You could have showed him by having a kid as soon as possible you know like you just go down to this you're

like i'll show you no there's something so funny about getting back at someone be like actually i'll show you by having seven kids. I think I was like, um, yeah. Yeah. Okay. I don't want you now that you have seven kids. Yeah. Girls do that.

Like I always tell is say in my act that like, when I tell girls don't sleep with guys before you get what you want in a relationship, they're like, um, you know, I, but I like having sex with them. Like I,

if, and it's like, well, if you want them to be your boyfriend, it's going to be a lot harder. If you have sex with them, it's just going to be a if you want him to be your boyfriend it's gonna be a lot harder if you have sex with them it's just gonna be a lot harder and they're like okay well i but i'll just have sex with other people it's fine and it's like okay what you'll do is and every girl has done this at some point is that you think you're gonna make the guy that

you really like jealous by like making out with someone and then you accidentally tell them or you act like you try to make them jealous and guys don't respond to that by being like wait i want you back like they go okay you're dot like we're done you're that's now you disgust me and now the girl's like but i only did it to get you back it's like the thing you do to get them back makes them go but we were talking like me and emil were talking uh i don't think he'll mind me mentioning his name uh the we were talking about how when you start as sex buddies you know what i mean like like the girls like hey i'll just we'll have sex i'll take off

at 1 a.m and it's about like it's not for a guy sometimes like sex is like almost secondary to like oh wait now i like you could have sex with someone and hold back almost the intimacy and the For a guy, sometimes sex is almost secondary to like, oh, wait, now I... You could have sex with someone and hold back almost the intimacy and the guy might be very intrigued. And that does happen to both of us, where we're like, oh, she just wants me for my sex. You guys are feminine energy men. You're feminine energy men.

There's a lot of us out there. It's only about 10 10 of men that are feminine and it's probably going up all the time because of computers and people being in the middle hormones and milk but it's true dr pat allen told me that that male comics are feminine energy. And so it makes sense that you guys feel like more bonded after sex. I believe officially I'm a masculine energy woman, Noah. I believe it's just the case. Because I have been able to, I've been having sex recently with someone who's not my boyfriend.

And after sex, I am very happy to just be like, bye. But we're talking vaginal. And like move on with my day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I say sex, I mean sex. That's a big change.

Congratulations. Yeah, I had a bestie. I've hinted at it last week because I said I took the morning after pill. And I had a bestie. I've hinted at it last week because I said I took the morning after pill. And I had a bestie this weekend come up to me and go, are you having vaginal sex? And I was like, girl, you heard right. There's so many girls that just started just taking it in the booper and now they're like. No, I still do that.

Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? I'd still 90 90 of the i have not one time had vaginal sex and not still done the other one because that's how much i love it so just let let it be known that like i do not like v more than a b a yes okay wait i have a question yes noah the person you're having vaginal sex though i think noah's been frozen for a while yeah you to me as well okay it's fine but still yeah if her voice comes up then just you tell me what her question is okay what's your question noah my question is the person

that you're having vaginal sex with it's not just like a random hookup it's not it's not a one-night stand yes uh it's noah says theup. It's not a one night stand. Yes. Noah says the difference is it's not a one night stand. It's something that's like regular. Yes, that's true. And it is someone that I like. I already feel like I'm not scared that they're gonna like

leave or abandon me or any of those things. What I will say and what I said to the bestie this weekend that asked me, because I did feel like a traitor a little bit, like giving into V before I had the relationship that, you know, before I had a boyfriend. The thing is, I don't want this person to be my boyfriend yet. So I'm not holding out for like something that I want. I, I have a boundary up with, uh, this, this person and any guy that would be my boyfriend. And my boundary is not,

is definitely like, I would do this at any point with anyone that I'm, um, having sex with. I waited, we've been hanging out for three months and have not had V right. So that to me was a long wait. And I also, I'm the one that decided like,

my new boundary is like, I need to know that this person's like, you know, working on themselves and like going to therapy. And that's my, that's another thing that's like, you don't get to be my, you, not that they want me to be their girlfriend either. We're on the same page.

But like, we both have things of like, be my you not that they want me to be their girlfriend either we're on the same page but like we both have things of like i need to see something else before that and to me it it's it's still not v isn't something that i'm doing every time it's special occasions but i will say that like afterwards i don't feel the need to be like oh like hanging on like like the other night i was like i think uh my partner is more of a basker and being like let's just lay like and talk about it because we're and when you know in the past with this person he was more of a like like okay we're done let's go and now it's more of he's more of a basker and like wants to like connect afterwards. And I'm more of a, like, I want to go eat oatmeal on the couch and watch love on the spectrum. And like, I wrote, he went to the bathroom like afterwards and I like quickly

got dressed. It was like out on the couch, like with my foot massager. And he walked out kind of like, wow, you're over this. And I was just like, it's just like like it wasn't like i was like not i didn't enjoy it and didn't want to bask in it but it's interesting like as you get older how those kind of roles can switch well then do you feel like but your whole the whole thing was about how the v makes you more connected because you get addicted you get addicted and then because you think of procreation because they're inside you like like so much more feelings happen like that was your hypothesis beforehand so now your conclusion no but it is true but what i but i already have what the thing is you're not supposed to have v until you get what you want out

of the relationship and i have what i want out of that relationship. And I have what I want out of that relationship. Okay. It is exactly the way I want it to be. And so that's why I was like, I'm not like trying to get him to commit to me in any way that he's not like I'm getting, it's, I'm getting everything I want. And like, we are,

we are the status, exactly what I want to be. So what, what am I dangling at this point? And, um, so that, but I'm really glad I did it.

And I told this to the bestie is that it allowed me to like i think that's why we're able to be so loving now is because i waited and like it it really did create intimacy between us that uh wouldn't have been there if we were having sex from the get-go i really think like, leaving something off the table that led us to, like, yearn for each other in this way that we weren't allowed to was so hot, and I definitely think I will, in my relationship, go through periods where I'm like, no, we're cutting it off so that we miss it again, and that we get to be kind of sexually frustrated in a way that makes us, like, like, you know, high schoolers that can't hook up because we can't, you know, like, Mormon, more, like, Mormons are that makes us like, like, you know, high schoolers that can't hook up because we can't,

you know, like Mormon, more like Mormons are like, Oh, like, I don't know what it was about not being able to have sex. Just having that thing like that we both wanted so bad. It was like,

it made us like more crazy for each other. So I think I'll take it away at some point again, not, not for me, but for us there's no part of you that i love if oh go ahead sorry i can't hear no no there's no part of me what that like i don't know like part of me thinks like you do want the boyfriend though like i don't know i mean look that's like here yeah no i really don't i i mean i do if he does a bunch of other

stuff and like i feel good about it but it has nothing to do with i have exactly what i want right now in this relationship i would i really do and i let's go to the next story you're even questioning that huh uh i'm shocked you're even questioning that i don't know i just feel like i just feel like sometimes like like i don't for me right like okay let's just say it was me in your position or like if i was in that position i'd feel like it's almost like a defense mechanism to go hey this is exactly what i want because i'm not getting the other thing that i could potentially want so like almost protect like i'm settling like oh no I want this

no my god I'm not kidding you dude if he asked me to be his girlfriend today I would say no I would say no and it's not because I don't want to be someday and I think he's potential I just am not going to settle for anything except like exactly what I want in a relationship and that doesn't mean that I'm miserable

because he doesn't I don't even want a boy I'm fine with the way things are. I really like, I don't need more. I want more someday, but I don't want it right now. It's if that makes sense. Like I'm not, it's like a meal that I'm not hungry for right now. If like that makes sense. Let's take a break and come back with why do I care?

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I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party. Your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride, full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism,

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People are forming opinions of you even before you log into the Zoom or walk into the room. And so you really have to think about what is it I want to display. You don't plant a garden and then just walk away and expect it to thrive. You are in there pulling out the weeds. You're pruning it. You're watering it. It's the same thing with your network. You should always be in there actively managing your network. If you don't feel confident to say a number, even admitting that to a recruiter is going to be far better than saying, well, what is your budget for the role? A lot is in the follow-up, right? Don't wait to follow up. Whether you're a new grad, an established professional, or contemplating a career change,

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you get your podcasts why do i care why do i care i Why do I care? I think I'm going to throw up. A woman loses it when she realizes she has been brought on stage at Adele's comeback concert by her boyfriend for a surprise proposal. She said yes and is serenaded by the singer. Yeah, I watched this. I watched this. I mean, how do we feel about this? Yeah, I mean...

Ugh. Yeah, I mean, I was confused why when she took off the blindfold she was just like saying his name over and over and she wasn't like what the hell is this at one point she says who are all these people but i think she should have been saying that from like the get so i don't know what and i don't know what precipitated everyone in the reddit was like adele is so amazing to do this. I'm like, Adele didn't do it! Adele didn't do it, you guys! Adele, it was not Adele's idea.

Can I scream this at you? When you see a bachelor take a woman on a date on The Bachelorette where there's a helicopter and there's candles and they walk out and some artist you've never heard of is singing a country song. But they both act like everything should know this guy. He didn't plan it.

The producers did. Adele didn't plan that. Adele didn't plan it. Okay. There's a lot of paperwork too. Yeah. It's beautiful for her. It wasn't like Adele was like, I want you to find a nice couple and then I'm going to serenade them with her favorite song.

Like she was down to do it, but it wasn't like she's some like, you know, like people are acting like she is like working at a soup kitchen on her birthday. Like this is not she this she's like I was reading the Reddit comments and I had to get out of there because people were like, she is just the most amazing person to do this. This is so thoughtful of her. Stop it. Stop it. Everyone, will you please look at celebrity culture through a lens of everything they do is to make them look like good people. No one does anything. It is always producers' ideas.

Everything. Everything is someone else's idea. You think Adele decided that and found that couple and found that girl who has been wanting him to propose forever and went out and bought the blindfold? Get out of town! How annoying is it, too, when someone does a public proposal? Like, I hate it. I hate it. It puts too much pressure on the girl. I like it.

Oh, I hate it. I think it's like, hey. Oh, you know she Oh, I hate it. I think it's like, hey. Oh, you know she's going to say yes. I mean, sometimes an idiot guy can. Maybe she would have said no. Like, oh, if you're at a fancy restaurant, do you put pressure on the girl? Producers would not have organized this unless they fucking knew for sure. I wish she said no.

I wish she said no. I wish she said, fuck you. You don't want kids. She starts going, send my love to your new lover. Treat her better. Like Adele just sings a breakup song to him because they know she's going to say no. That would be cool. Oh, it's the best when it's on a jumbotron and the guy gets on his knee and the girl goes, what?

This is our third date and you didn't even buy the hot dog, you loser. I'm not marrying you. Oh, my God. No, I never understand when guys are like, I'm nervous to propose. It's like, how do you know she's not going to? You shouldn't be doing this if you think there's any doubt. Yeah, your friends in the bushes taking pictures. You know what's going to happen.

You have a mariachi band that your dad's playing in. Like, stop it everyone knows i just get so annoyed when people think that that celebrities are like these like adele probably would do that on her own time like that probably is an idea that she'd come up with if she had any part in like i know the people that produce this and i'm going to actually get an answer if adele came up with this idea or not because maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong. But I definitely don't think I am. And

the celebrities that were at that thing, did you guys watch it? 9.9 million people watched this, by the way. I watched it. When I watched it, I was like, I feel like this is a little bit like the Super Bowl. Like, I feel like that many people are watching this right now and I wasn't wrong. What is the Super Bowl? What kind of numbers does that get? Probably around there, I bet.

Really? I mean, I think at times the Super Bowl has been like maybe 20 million. Yeah, no, dude. It's 96 million for the Super Bowl. So 10% of the Super Bowl ain't bad. I mean, that's the best ratings that they could have ever wished for for that thing. That's a ton of people watching. Oh, yeah.

And then another 100 million will watch it on YouTube eventually, I'm sure. I ask the guy I'm seeing the other night when Adele was on, I go, why don't I like her as much as I like Taylor Swift? She writes her own music. She sings about men who have heard her. Why aren't I not? I want to be obsessed with her. I love Adele.

I really do like a lot of her music, but it's not the same. And he goes, because Adele is for women and Taylor Swift is for girls that are stuck in high school. And I go, you're not wrong. You're not wrong because, and that's not, that's not a slight against Taylor. I will, I think Taylor is a better artist than Adele and I'll fight anyone about it but I do think that Taylor Swift's music is, I am stuck in high school

the most traumatic things in my life happened in high school. You kind of get stuck whenever that happens and I'm a little bit high school-y and that's why I like Adele I haven't matured enough to like her music in the same way and let me just say I'm probably an Adele fan the way most women

are Adele fans. I just am a Taylor Swift fan the way no women are any kind of fan of anyone. Because I'm a fan the way I am, like I'm a high schooler in terms of the way I'm a fan. Probably middle school to be honest. You're probably right. You just got like the

jacket with like one of the NSYNC kids on the back. That's where your level is at. I literally have a... If you would go get a package for me at some point, I believe it's a sweater that says Taylor Swift on it that I bought from her merch site, which her merch has a lot to be desired,

but I got to still get it. Okay, let's get to the Reddit dump. Karaoke merch. This is your Reddit dump. This is from Ask Reddit, the subreddit that has interesting questions. It says, what is the worst smell that you've ever smelled in your life?

I love this question. Oh, I know. You know, Noah? Well, I don't know if Andrew, I know. You know, Noah? Well, I don't know if Andrew will be able to hear me, but the worst is I absolutely believe. You got to tell me what Noah said. I was coming home from Madison Square Garden after a Guns N' Roses concert,

and the subway stunk so much, and there was a man at the end of the subway, and he was as stiff as a brick. And it smelled, it was, it was like, it was like this like chemical smell. And I think that what I,

I smell death. Yes. Okay. Andrew, Noah smelled death once on a subway ride at the coming back from a guns and roses concert. And, um,

there was a man on the platform that was stiff as a board and she, it was a chemically smelled and she thinks she smelled in the subway car in the subway car and you're probably right noah because i remember the casey anthony story i was watching it and casey anthony's dad is a was a homicide detective when he went up he went to pick up the car that casey anthony had gotten towed that had had her daughter in the trunk um before she dumped her daughter allegedly um actually she's proven innocent but um you know there and he was walking they were walking her and the him and the mother were walking to pick up the car and Casey Anthony had put a bunch of trash in the back of the trunk to mask the smell because

obviously she smelled she had driven around with her daughter in the back of the trunk to mask the smell. Cause obviously she smelled, she had driven around with her daughter in the trunk for like three days before she'd figured out what to do with her. And, um, the, the stench was so bad that she put trash in there thinking it would like mask it or like people would be like, Oh,

that's just the trash smell. But she's the, the, her dad, the homicide detective said that when they were walking over to the junkyard to pick or like the, you know, tow lot to get the car, they got within, you know, the homicide detective, said that when they were walking over to the junkyard to pick or like the, you know, tow lot to get the car, they got within, you know,

like, they got within proximity of it, and he goes, that smell is, once you smell it, you know the smell, and homicide detectives know, and he was like, that's the smell of death, and he just started, like, sobbing because they both knew that because that smell was coming from Casey's car,

like, their granddaughter was dead. And so it's like once you smell that, you can never forget it. I've never smelled that. I feel the same way. What about you, Andrew? Like an old Subway meatball sandwich could probably be similar. But yeah, I just like the idea of like, and then once you smell it, you know it. And it's just like.

You would never throw out a Subway meatball sandwich. That's true. I put mayonnaise on it in college. You would never throw out a Subway meatball sandwich. That's true. I put mayonnaise on it in college. You would never get rid of that. Yeah. But I would get rid of a dead baby. But a daughter. But your daughter who's like holding you back from entering wet t-shirt contests.

Yeah. Filling in. I mean, the Casey Anthony story is just seriously, she is such an idiot that it's almost, there's nothing funny about it, but there are some things she does that are so insanely like just just the dumbest person ever thinking they're covering up a crime and actually getting away with it it's so wild i think she just got lucky the worst smell i've ever smelled i mean that does remind me of thousands of times getting on the subway and realizing no one else is on that cart and just smelling something that you can't even describe and and everyone smells it and everyone

runs out of the but yes uh when i was on in body wars i don't know if i told this story but you know a handicapped kid sat behind me when i was like 11 and he threw up all over my back during body wars which is a a ride at Disney World or whatever Epcot and I was like yeah this is we were in the like in the liver section and of the body and I was like man this is really good stuff like like this they're really nailing it and uh the lights came on and there was throw up all over me and I just see the handicapped kid rubbing his face with puke all over him and I had to buy a goofy shirt for like

40 bucks and I don't know oh my god yeah and I remember walking by the hand I swear to god he looked at me like yeah who's goofy now bitch like like cause we were making fun of him cause we were like 11 like I could literally like he gave me a look like he like like almost that it was on purpose which i respect it i do anyhow what's your worst smell i can't even recall what my worst smell is to be honest with

you like i nothing really stands out to me as like the worst but i i guess it's probably has something to do with um i guess I guess poop, like human feet, like smelling another person's human feces in New, in New York, in, in your front doorstep. Like that's just a terrible, obviously a terrible,

all of our stories are based in New York, but no, yeah, no, I think like, I do think like you live in New York for four years. I'd say around the four year mark, you can tell the difference between dog shit and human shit.

Just based off a nose. It's unbelievable. This is gross, but I've been on some diets before that produce really bad gas. Like, really bad gas. All right. The people that shared stuff in Reddit pretty much said the same thing.

They said the smell of, they're all people that work in hospitals and are police officers that have smelled death or like hoarders, apartments and things like that. The next, this is ask women. What is the worst thing someone has ever said to you during sex? Some of the answers are,

a guy once shamed me for being too wet by saying my vagina was too gloopy i put my clothes on and left and slugged out of there why does gloopy feel like you could be one of the seven dwarves gloopy gloopy is so funny it's a great word um someone said can you just stop the noises you are making are killing the mood. I was having a great time up until that point. Someone said, I can't. A guy said, I can't stay hard because you keep crying. I was crying because I didn't want to have sex.

Woof. Jesus. That's gloomy. Someone said, if going to the gym isn't working, would you at least consider ass implants so your body would at least look somewhat proportional? Who the fuck uses the word proportional during sex? That would take me out of the mood. Yeah. Anything diagonal. Any long word with an al um what's the worst thing you've ever heard during sex either one of you i'm trying to think of mine um shit trying to think what has been like really bad?

I don't think I've ever heard it. I mean, I have the story of when a guy was choking me once and he didn't know what to say because he was new to like choking a woman and I wanted it. And I have a joke in my head. It was imperfect, but he was kind of looking at me and I was kind of just like, say something. And he just didn't know what to say. So he just like conjured what he like you know when you movies maybe when you see someone choking someone he just goes i'm gonna kill you i was just like now and he

instantly was like is that not good i was like no no no that's not gonna be it well when i called brent a vibrant apparently that wasn't the best word choice when i thought vivacious or vibrant vibrant is a color that doesn't mean like vivacious can sometimes be like easy yeah it was it was supposed to be like kind of tongue-in-cheek but yeah i think it was more uh i should just put my tongue in her cheek and shut the fuck up but i uh i yeah i think like i i'm trying to think what a girl. I mean, maybe like. Take you. No, I can't. Honestly, I got nothing.

I think once I'm fucking, you could say anything and nothing's really going to hurt me. I think. Oh, this is a this is I want Brenna to try to say something weird to take you out of it. I'm wondering what could I'm sure. Like, don't you? I guess you're on viagra so there's nothing that's gonna make you not hard but maybe something that might make you hard and angry yeah no there's definitely been times i've lost my heart on where girls like

like it's more like less what they say more about like how the like not like there's no specific other than like why are you not staying here yeah oh okay you know what i like, why are you not staying hard? Do you see an ankle hair? Yeah. Oh, okay. You know what I mean? Like, why are you not staying hard? Is it because of me? What's wrong with you? Like, what's wrong with this?

Oh my God. Something like that. Who would say that? My stepmom. Okay. Nuh-uh. No. Let me... Nuh-uh.

Let me see. I can't think of anything that was said to me, but I guess the worst thing is just absolute quiet when there's like no sounds at all. Yes, that's a really good point. The void of anything being said when it's just like, and you just hear gloopy sounds. Final thoughts.

Let's get into, into oh you know what i'll share this one that no one's gonna fucking like but i loved it and it made um this is in vegan so trigger warning um this is in the subreddit vegan it says the first people to compare animal slaughter to the Holocaust were actually Holocaust survivors. It says, when vegans compare factory farming to the Holocaust, meat eaters freak out because we're, quote,

comparing Jewish people to animals. Actually, the entire point is how the actions of all humans are similar to the actions of the Nazis and bystanders who do nothing to help. But no one wants to think about that. In trying to avoid the comparison, I literally just read an author complaining that an animal Holocaust meme was anti-Semitic, ignoring that the quote on the meme was by a Holocaust

survivor. They went on to say that what we do to animals is not as bad because it has a purpose. My question is this, would the Holocaust and torture of Jewish people in Germany have been less bad if it had a quote unquote purpose? I mean, how could someone even suggest that? Who would even agree with that? And then this person went on to find so many quotes from Holocaust survivors that are also animal rights advocates. Someone said said in their this was um isaac bashevis singer said in their behavior towards creatures all men are nazis human beings see their own oppression vividly when they are the victims otherwise they victimize blindly and without a thought love that um i spent my childhood years in the wars Ghetto where almost my entire family was murdered

along with about 350,000 other Polish Jews. People sometimes will ask me whether that experience had anything to do with my work for animals. It didn't have a little to do with my work for animals. It had everything to do with my work for animals. And that's Alex Hershaft, Farm Animal Rights Movement founder and Holocaust survivor.

I thought that was interesting because I'm always reluctant to call it a genocide and like compare it to the Holocaust too, because I don't want people to be like, how can you compare animals to humans? But I don't know. I, I think it's,

I'm not saying it's, if animals could talk, we wouldn't be doing what we're doing to them is what I'm saying. Yeah, no, I mean, I'm just like thinking about all the, as to Jewish people.

What do you guys think about this? Well, I think that, I don't know. I think a lot of things get compared to the Holocaust and then it's like, like the, like this part of the show. No,

no, no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like this thought that's about to come out of my mouth is like the holocaust because uh it's a tragedy but um no i think like i i don't know i just saw like fucking 10 memes about anti-vaxxers putting on jewish golden stars and comparing it to the holocaust and so i'm like okay maybe we

don't have to i don't know if it's so much about the comparison as opposed to just making the comparison. Can't the Holocaust just be its own horrible thing and without – I think that's where some people might be annoyed because I do think a lot of people go, oh, that's just like the – I get that, but I feel like – But I think the analogy, I get it. I think it's a way to get people on board

because I think that the reason you use comparison is not to diminish something else or take away from the fact that it was one of the most horrific things that is imaginable. It's to make people understand that there's something. How people wrap their minds around it. Yeah, it's not taking, just by comparing,

by comparing, you don't take away from something. I mean, like, yes, there are times when people go like, oh my God, that flight was like the 9-11 of my life. And it's just like, okay, that's a, that could be offensive to people because you're using it as like a joke and like you're obviously hyperbolizing, using hyperbole.

But I do, I really appreciated that um and you know there's always some you know i'm sure there are many holocaust survivors that would be like i would not compare it to that so you know they found yeah that's what that was my that actually do that was my other point is like i wonder how i would feel if a holocaust survivor was like yes actually in uh being an anti-vaxxer and people talking shit about people that won't get the vaccine is like the holocaust and the guy's like yeah dude you were in it for like three days like you weren't even like full and at this point i'd be like you're kind of you have dementia right now because if you're

a holocaust survivor you're fucking old as hell and i mean i think these quotes about the animal rights were taken from like the 80s and stuff when we had more a subset cognitively with it Holocaust survivors but I don't know it was just an interesting thing that I obviously

have no right to say whether that's a right comparison or not but I just thought it was interesting and that's the final thought for the day and I have to go do a full day of stuff. So I'm going to go. There are cameras zooming around me already, and I don't know why. Somebody broken in my house is filming

me. Andrew, I'll see you out here. Tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning? Will you send me the address of the house, I guess? I think you should just ask the people that have that information. Because it's buried somewhere for me. There's someone who has that information for you.

And it ain't going to be me. It's not going to be me. Look out your window. I know. I could do that. But I don't. The road isn't listed on the house. You know what I'm saying?

I feel you. Just send Andrew a pin. That's true. I'm not even going to do that. See you tomorrow morning. Thank you so much for listening. Don't be ca- And Jack.

Jack. Keith Kennedy. Goff Smearhoff. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors. It's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now.

Plus you'll get special content just for podcast listeners like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top,

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Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Careful, babe. There's someone crossing the street. Sorry, I didn't see him there. If you feel different, you drive different. Don't drive high. It's dangerous and illegal everywhere. A message from NHTSA and the Ad Council. I'm Dr. Laurie Santos, and to welcome the new year,

my podcast, The Happiness Lab, is releasing a series of happiness how-to guides to help you in 2025. I'll distill the wisdom of world-class experts into easy-to-digest, actionable tips. Struggling with tough emotions. We have a how to guide worried that you're not enough. We got you self-obsessed and want to get over yourself. There's a guide for that too.

The happiness labs, how to season starts January 1st. Listen on the I heart radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, this is Alex. I'm the host of big technology podcast, Hi, this is Alex Kantrowitz.

I'm the host of Big Technology Podcast, a longtime reporter and an on-air contributor to CNBC. And if you're like me, you're trying to figure out how artificial intelligence is changing the business world and our lives. So each week on Big Technology, I bring on key actors from companies building AI tech, asking where this is all going. They come from places like NVIDIA, Microsoft, Amazon, and plenty more. So if you want to be smart with your wallet, your career choices, Bye.