The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #139- Fanthrax Only- College Memories
Episode Date: November 23, 2021This episode is sponsored by HBO Max The Sex Lives of College Girls so we thought to ask Besties to share their college experiences. Nikki and Andrew reminisce about college as they listen to voicemai...ls about a gross prank, lying through a project, drunken experiences, a mispronunciation and nerdy hookup. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Here's Nikki.
Hello.
Here I am.
It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast.
Welcome.
It is Monday and I'm still fixing my makeup I am in Los Angeles, California
And Andrew is in St. Louis
Noah is in Arizona
What's up you guys?
We got the country covered
Country covered boy
This is a special episode
We're starting out with Andrew and I together on this one because it's a special sponsored episode by HBO Max's new series, The Secret Sex Lives of College Girls, The Sex Lives of College Girls.
The Sex Lives of College Girls.
Yeah.
Well, they should keep it a secret.
These girls are up to no good.
No.
The Sex Lives of College Girls. Okay. girls are up to no good uh no the sex lives of college girls okay i i gotta say i just i i wasn't
even gonna talk about at the top of the show because we don't like you just heard me do an
ad for it and now we're doing an episode all about college stories and uh it's a special
fanthrax episode where we're just gonna listen to your college stories but um i do really like this show and it's really like quirky and fun and
has like it's just it's quick moving good acting and i'm kind of inspired by it sexually
andrew did you watch it i got the synopsis from noah oh my god I just had to be honest well yeah I mean that we keep it honest on here
what what were you why couldn't you watch it what did you watch instead succession for the past curb
okay and I've passed out watching curb I was you know pretty tired long day of travel and then I
didn't yeah but but it's two o'clock there what What did you do today? I went to Whole Foods for us,
and then I picked up your packages for you.
Okay.
I packed for Chicago because I have to help Brenna move,
so I got to drive to Chicago and drive back.
So I was doing things other than watching four girls have sex
in freshman year in a dorm.
Did you forget to watch it, or did you just say,
I don't want to uh i i
didn't i didn't uh i don't know exactly how i i i i know i wanted to watch it i went to watch it in
the living room real quick and our troubleshoot you can't watch things real quick because it's
that's the problem i tried to watch it on uh two times fast forward because i i waited
till this morning to watch it and uh and i we were supposed to watch it before this episode no big
deal but um yeah i i waited until i had i left myself an hour because i was gonna watch two
episodes i thought they were half hour they're an hour long which actually ends up being great
because uh you know more is better but then um hbo max took off the little fast forward thing they used to
when i was watching f boy island trying to cruise through i was doing double time or at least 1.5
but they make you watch it in uh the same speed um which is better because this show does move
fast and it's like almost like 30 rock level jokes of like like it's they're fast
moving and that's what i like about it um noah you watched it did you like it yeah i especially
liked the uh plot twist at the end of episode one that's what i was into too i uh because i was
writing about it as i watched and i was like you know I might not get
through the first episode I'm like on a time crunch and she was like I'm wait till you get
to the end you'll be very invested and I did not see that coming and I feel like uh that's why I
feel like sexually empowered by the show that I thought was going to be like I don't know you
sometimes I don't want to watch things about college girls
because I get jealous because that seems like such a fun time that I kind of missed out on because I
was not doing I was like doing comedy and just kind of tapped out and um this is uh everyone
will find some character to relate to in this as a girl or even a guy like um it's fun i'm excited about the show and i'm in that i need
to be forced to watch shows this is like a good thing for me we should get more sponsored shows
because i will get into more tv and i won't watch them at all now i'm in so it will be a nice and
andrew will it'll be a great thank you for getting my packages though andrew i appreciate it did
anything fun uh actually uh six things um i had to use a blue cart so that took time i
i told you you only had to get the two i only said the the ones at the beginning it is funny
the ones at the beginning are the ones i'm getting fees oh i'm sorry i wasn't able to uh
decipher that because it's in like it all is under one phone number so it's like
i know but the ones at the beginning of the thing are...
It's okay, but I appreciate...
I mean, it's more than okay.
You got them all, so thank you.
But I was trying to make it as easy as possible for you.
Thank you so much for doing that.
But I think the show...
You never got laid in your dorm, did you?
Or did you ever even have any sexual experience?
I barely touched myself in my dorm really oh
one time my friend and a girl were watching me masturbate um through like at one point uh someone
was drunk and we kicked like the metal part of the door so you could see through our door and i was
like jerking off to the one porn i owned and uh they were watching
i think the whole time what was the porn you own yeah yeah it was i'm trying to think what it was
that's every guy had one porn okay construction workers uh girls gone wild no but i met the girls
gone wild guy in college the guy that went to prison? Yeah.
Yeah, I could see why he did. What's his name?
Just by the interaction.
He had a bus, and he was going up to drunk college girls.
That's what they would do.
I mean, it was so fucked up.
And he was like, hey, I don't even know if they offered money.
Joe Francis, yes, Joe Francis.
Yeah, he ended up dating my buddy's ex-girlfriend.
Yeah, I don't know.
Anyways, but yeah.
That guy.
Yeah. did you hang
out with him i bet you were like kind of trying to be friends with him i mean that guy was cool
for a while because girls just like wanted to hook up with him flash him he got hot chicks
because hot chicks wanted to be on camera oh yeah no no we're still besties we definitely uh
how did you run into him he just came into there's a bar called
the boot in new orleans at two lane where it's just like the biggest it's it's the number two
earning or at least it was the number two think about all the bars in new orleans and it was
number two behind pat o'brien's of like money making so it was just packed and you know they
just drive the bus up around like
1 a.m to get these drunk college girls to do fucking shit on camera that they'll regret the
rest of their life you know because i think they just paid them in like pizza and they're like and
they got drunk and then they signed a release i'm sure yeah i mean yeah it was uh i feel like i
relate to these girls in this show because they're especially the
um girl bella who is trying to get on the uh the cool like harvard lampoon style paper like the
like snl writers all right on this one it's like a fake college that they're all going to that's
made up for the show but it's like kind of like this prestigious college that has this
really cool comedy newspaper that she's trying to get on and it's like a boys club and it's all boy
comedy writers and they're like we already have two girls on staff sorry so it's really interesting
to see the politics of how she's gonna try to get in to the comedy world um like her at first
they're like you need to call the aclu and like complain that they said that
there was only two girls on the paper and like this is sexist and then another girl's like just
be cool and try to be like one of the guys like try to get them to like you because if they do
that then they'll want you around it was just interesting um techniques for how to get in and
then she ends up giving a bunch of hand jobs which i also love
because she does the same thing i did which is like she is also uh hasn't is very inexperienced
and it's just like i'm just want to like do weird things and like she's like thrilled by giving six
hand jobs she doesn't feel like sad about it okay i'm gonna watch the show i had no idea what i was
missing yeah it's not like girls where you're going to see a lot of awkward sex and nudity.
It's more like you see guys kind of their faces when they orgasm and her kind of like furiously, vigorously jerking.
But it's a quick montage.
It's not like these uncomfortable sex moments.
But it's just really funny. It has that 30 rock. It's Mindy a quick montage it's not like these uncomfortable sex moments but it's just really
funny and it has that 30 rock it's you know it's mindy kaling wrote it so i'm guessing this girl
bella is based off of her trying to like navigate the comedy world and she has a bella has a poster
of seth meyers on her wall of like who she's in love with and uh yeah it just kind of um yeah then
there's this other girl that's like really she's poor and so
that she's and she's also like she slept with this guy who like abandons her right after she
sleeps with it like it's all so stuff i'm already talking about and i wish girls would figure out
sooner so i'm kind of glad that this is out there for girls to see and um yeah and there's a good
plot twist at the end i'm i'm gonna keep going i haven't
seen you just give you about a show in a while like it's cute it's so cute i want to be on it
but i don't want to be a parent because like all the people i know in it are playing parents yeah
it's like rob hubel and um nicole mill nicole from mad tv and um what's her name? It plays the Senator.
Who is she?
She's a Sherry Shepherd.
Yeah.
Sherry Shepherd is playing one of the girls mom.
So like all of my I mean, those people are a little bit older than me, but I don't know.
I'd be like, I don't know, a soccer coach or something, which is a whole other thing.
Then there's another plot to it too.
Jesus Christ.
Noah. Like I thought. That was so to it, too. Jesus Christ, Noah.
That was so good, that storyline.
Okay, so if you aren't sold on it now,
I don't need to even do this.
They didn't ask me to talk about the show that much,
but I just got done watching it,
so I'm kind of into it.
How's St. Louis, Andrew?
St. Louis is good.
I mean, it's cold.
Yeah. We were just in San Diego, and then Los Angeles. So you're like, oh, yeah, Andrew? St. Louis is good. I mean, it's cold. Yeah.
We were just in San Diego and then Los Angeles. So you're like, oh, yeah, okay, okay, all right.
All right, weather.
Here you are.
But I like it here.
There's nothing really going on.
I'm trying to think if anything has gone on here.
I mean, I'm just here alone.
So I go to Starbucks.
Nothing weird happened there.
And then I walked back. You know what I mean? that's that's why st louis is great though or like it's
it's like oh i didn't see anything that's gonna scar my life for a week uh what did you see in
la that's gonna scar your life uh besides my legs without spray tan that and emile's chest hair i
mean it was pretty pretty intense i was looking at a meal we had a good little time i was looking
at a meal because we share a room by choice, actually.
Everyone's like, how could you?
I was like, yeah, no, we want to be in there together.
We're mad there's two beds.
Yeah, in San Diego.
Because in LA, we had a house and we each had our own bedroom.
But then in San Diego, you and Emil were in the same hotel room.
And I was looking over and it was like 7 a.m.
And the sun is just coming through the window. And I was looking over and it was like 7 a.m. and the sun is just coming through the window
and it's like half on it.
He looks so,
I took a photo.
I got to send it to you.
He looks angelic just sleeping
and he snores like I look, you know?
Yeah.
Like he snores.
I look over and I'm like,
is Emil like a fat guy in a skinny outfit
or like a skinny body?
I don't know.
He snores like. He's in a skinny suit? He a skinny body? I don't know. He snores like.
He's in a skinny suit.
He's just.
You know, it's pretty cool.
Yeah.
But like I do the same shit.
Like we both think we're dying in the middle of the night.
And but I just looked over and he.
Yeah, he probably has apnea.
I think he does.
Or he's starting to.
I'll get there.
But yeah, just I was just looking at the lighting of his face.
He looked like what Jesus, I think, would look like.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Because he's Arabic or half Arabic or whatever.
And he's just got his...
Where is his dad from?
His dad is from Lebanon.
No, I was asking you just to see if you knew.
I knew, but I'm glad you knew that.
And his mom is from the suburbs.
So if anyone's going to...
It was a fun time, us three living together in that house.
So then, yeah, you guys shared a hotel room in San Diego.
We had two shows in San Diego.
Jason Mraz performed with us on the early show,
which was such a treat because Anya is old friends with him. She used to open for him on the road.
And he lives an hour away from San Diego. And so he, I think, asked Anya if he could get tickets.
And then I was like, can he come backstage and hang out? And then can he actually perform with us?
So got to like do a little comedy bit with Jason Mraz and sing with him.
And he was so nice and so cool.
Andrew?
I mean, it was, I walked in and, you know, you're like, yeah, he's a big fan.
And I was like trying to play it cool, but not play it cool.
You know, like the, and right away I go, hey, you know, and I'm yours.
When he's looking at the tongue in the mirror what does that mean and he's like oh whatever whatever you want
it to mean and i was like i'm a fucking idiot i'm such a loser asking that question what am i doing
i have stared at my tongue in the mirror and like have you ever done the thing where you're like
your tongue looks like a little animal like it's like like yeah look like it's like peering around like it's like
like scared like you can go like
like your tongue becomes if you do it enough if you look at your tongue in the mirror and move
it around you and start to see it as like a little rodent in a hole that's like like scared to come
out and like and like search like it has the twitchy movements of a little mole rat thing i do feel like the
tongue when you there's a thing on tiktok where people are touching the bottom of the tongue i
don't know if it makes you horny or whatever but i i feel like the tongue really makes if you start
touching your tongue you're like oh we're like we're animals like huh well it's just such a huge
muscle that you can manipulate and i didn't know but you can teach your tongue how to do the two.
Like, I can do the one.
How's that?
And make it a taco.
Oh, yeah, that one.
But there's a technique that you can do the double one.
I can roll my tongue, too.
Really?
Wait, hold on.
Let me see.
Wait.
What are you laughing at?
Because I look like that goat from tiktok does
because i can't i used to be able to do it i don't know why i can't do it anymore
um uh well i'm still in los angeles yeah how's that i mean
you it's good yeah i mean you're at the hotel any yeah I'm at a nothing to report
here I
just filmed a lot
yesterday for a thing and
drove back from San Diego
had someone drive me
which is super nice I drove down there
with Andrew drove us
I slept on the way down there on Saturday
and then yesterday
this show that I'm working on
they had a production assistant come and meet me at the hotel and then drive my car and I just got
to be in the back seat like and they were like Nikki we want you to get some sleep and I was like
honestly I just want to be on my phone like I haven't had any time to just scroll and be
worthless but you know what I did is I watched I just got into like trusting YouTube to suggest
things for me and just like letting it roll because I think I left the room at one point
when I was watching a video and it went to the next one and I was like whoa they kind of nailed
it and now I'm I'm really into watching stories of like disfigurement or people that like lose a
bunch of limbs or like become completely disfigured and like their partner staying with them and like the triumphs and i just watched one that i really recommend
and it's the it's like the um incredible story of alex lewis alex l-e-w-i-s he's a guy that got this
in skin infection that caused him to lose all of his limbs except like up to his elbow on on one arm and like a stump on the other and
stumps for legs and half of his face and he has a it's it's just an incredible story and i really
loved it and then i watched um something about like the michael jackson docu oh you know what
is so good that everyone needs to watch before we get into your Fan Thrikes College stories. I can't recommend it enough.
Tony Bennett is 95 and he has Alzheimer's.
And he just performed his last concert ever
at Radio City Music Hall with Lady Gaga.
And he is like, you know, he doesn't remember.
He's had Alzheimer's for like a couple of years now. So it's pretty much, it's taken hold, you know, he doesn't remember. He's had Alzheimer's for like a couple years now.
So it's pretty much, it's taken hold, you know.
And it's a 60 minutes piece of Anderson Cooper following Tony Bennett on his final concert.
And I promise you, maybe that doesn't sell you on it.
It is a tearjerker.
It is inspirational.
It's beautiful.
It's sad.
It's so good.
And it's like my new thing that I'm recommending to everyone.
So check out the Tony Bennett Lady Gaga thing. It's so good. And it's like my new thing that I'm recommending to everyone. So check out the Tony Bennett Lady Gaga thing.
It's so good.
He only remembers things when music comes on.
And then he like everything comes back and he can remember everything.
And he's just like such a showman at the age of 95.
It's pretty incredible.
I wonder why that happened.
Because like with people with Tourette's can also like when they're focused on something,
singing or playing basketball.
Or a stutter yeah
it's wild it's wild how the brain works like that well my foot pain goes away when i'm performing
and the second i walk off stage my feet are killing me it's just the instant my foot steps
off of the light it's like i rip off my shoes but until then i don't i don't feel it at all
and i'm on stage for two hours. It's very bizarre,
but they actually talk about why this,
like his doctor actually talks about
why this is and the phenomenon of it,
so it's a really fascinating piece
and it's 15 minutes long.
All right, let's take a quick break
and we'll get back with Fanthrax,
your college coach.
College. Anthrax, your college.
All right.
I just love that that's Noah's fiance every time.
We're doing all college stories.
I know.
I love it too.
Him just in the living room with a sheet over a blanket over his head.
But there wasn't any like music behind it at the time. Yeah.
It's just echoing through there.
And then right from there, he's just like,
hey Noah, you mind grabbing the clicker for me?
Thanks.
The clicker.
You mind just, thanks.
Thanks for choosing.
This is a special episode of All Fan Threx
and it's going to be all of your college stories.
We solicited, Andrew put out a video on our, you know, Nikki Glaser pod Instagram page and asked for your college stories.
You know, good for you if you remember stuff from college.
So let's get to it.
Let's hear from you guys and hear some stories.
Noah, you said they're really good, right?
Oh my gosh, they're so funny.
Oh yes, I can't wait.
Okay, let's get started.
All right, let's start with Brian.
So here's my memory from college.
I went to school for woodworking,
so it ended up being an all guys school,
even though it wasn't an all guys school.
We had guys above us that were recording rap music
all day, every day until two, three in the morning, listening to the same hip hop beat over and over and over again.
A bunch of guys in the dorm got really pissed about it.
So went to the janitor's closet and got some buckets and for like two days pissed and shit in these buckets and then one night compiled all the buckets into a trash can
leaned it against the guy's door knocked on the door and ran away so when he opened the door
this entire trash can full of piss and flooded his dorm um i was right below him so it came through
his floor and my ceiling and uh you know not only did I have to suffer through this hip hop
beat that was on loop but
all of my bedding and
clothes and everything like that were covered
in piss and shit
there was no washer and dryer
on campus so I had to bring it all home
to mom's house that weekend
or you could have thrown it away
oh my god I love a guy who doesn't waste sheets even
though they have waste on them wait a second hold on did this guy take did was was he a part of
shitting and pissing in the bucket i kind of missed that it didn't sound like he was he just
yeah yeah he was just like the guys how just? I mean, that is a they could be charged for that.
That's a biological.
Yeah.
I mean, that beat dropped through the floor into his bedding.
I mean, that is so disgusting.
I am horrified.
I am.
I am speechless.
How horrible was that guy's music?
I'm going to get I'm going to get some piss and shit on my door because of the sounds that just made me make at this hotel room I'm in.
I cannot believe how disgusting that is.
I mean, kind of an interesting technique, a Home Alone type of contraption.
Yeah.
You know, homemade. type of contraption yeah you know homemade like but that is so disgusting and also like
just man that makes the second i heard that i go the things that have happened in this world
are like it just opens up a world to me that i hadn't even considered of pranking people with
buckets of piss and shit and i'm like that's probably a common thing okay but how many times
do you think they went to the door and were like hey can you like not play this at two in the
morning we're trying to sleep we're trying to study we're trying to do keg stands like you're
really fucking with us like it seems pretty selfish to blast music that no one wants to hear
in a dorm i don't know i feel like maybe i understand but i and i know you probably might
have done something like this in your college years but i do not think the crime fits the and
the fits the punishment at all here that is so disgusting and honestly i bet it was like
i you know i bet they were no one is quiet in college i bet he was in doing something in
response to them being loud
too like it's like but i have you ever experienced that where someone just plays the song over and
over besides me with taylor swift i mean but like yeah i mean those guys shitted on his dream uh for
sure uh have i ever done well we did stuff in fraternity life where it's like that kind of shit.
But I'm just trying to think of like I remember one weekend when I was staying in Venice with my ex-boyfriend. And we were in a major, major fight.
Like it was breakup times.
But we had no car, nowhere to go.
And I had to stay at this place.
And we were just stuck.
It was July 4th.
And we were stuck in this apartment together, the studio apartment.
And we just weren't talking.
It was the end.
But there was nowhere for either of us to go.
And I remember there was this party next door that kept blasting Kanye's song, Click.
Okay.
There's a lot of different artists on it.
I think Jay-Z's on it.
Maybe.
Not him. Anyway, Jay Z's on it. Uh, maybe I may not.
I mean,
I'm anyway,
it's a great song.
And I ended up being so grateful that I got to know that song over that
weekend,
because I just remember that was kind of the soundtrack to our,
that weekend of just being stuck somewhere with someone that just hates
you.
And you both are like breaking up,
but no one said it yet.
And like,
it was,
it was the worst.
It was the worst situation I've ever been in with a boyfriend
and but click was playing and then i got really into that song as odd as that click click yeah
yeah yeah it's such a good song if you haven't checked it out um yeah but my relationship was
a bunch of shit in a bucket that weekend um all right let's get to the next fanthrox okay here's one from joanna hey nikki andrew and noah this is joanna
i just saw andrew's insta story um about college memories and i was thinking does anyone actually
have any clear college memories just kidding no i actually didn't party that much in school
um but what i was was totally checked out by my fourth year. Like I just wanted
my diploma to get the hell out of there. And I had this project. It was really similar. And this is
probably why this is top of mind for me. I was watching scenes from a marriage. In the very
first episode, there's a college student interviewing an interfaith couple. And that's
what I was meant to do for this project.
I was like reaching out to people by email. I had my professor connect me with an interfaith couple
and no one would respond. I couldn't get anyone to sit down with me. It was around the holidays.
I was trying to get this out the door and I was like, fuck it. I'm going to be using pseudonyms anyway, right? So I decided to make
up a couple. And every quote in that paper was completely made up. I guess I'm way more creative
than I ever thought possible because I got a pretty good grade on it. And it's something that
simultaneously haunts me, but also makes me laugh every time I think about it.
But anyway,
thanks for putting on the pot every day.
I love you guys.
Hope to see you live sometime soon.
I'm in new England,
so maybe Connecticut.
We'll see.
All right.
Bye.
Hope to see you too.
Thank you for that.
Yeah.
Um,
that is,
I like how she says it haunts her,
but she's also like kind of proud because yes,
so much of college is this like just under the gun.
I have to get this thing done.
I fucking am too depressed or too drunk or too hungover or to whatever to
actually do it.
And then you just,
sometimes you cheat,
sometimes you fib that I like that.
She's probably of an honest person.
So that's why it bugs her that she like had to lie.
But also what a, what an exercise in writing fiction.
Fan fiction, yeah.
What is she saying?
Inner faith?
Inner faith.
What does that mean?
Does that mean two different?
It means two different things.
Okay.
Gotcha.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
I want to hear her quotes.
As a Jew, it's so generic, like, so, like, generic.
She just writes amen at the end of everything the wife says.
She's like, I don't know what Catholics actually do.
That is, yeah.
I relate to that so much.
Interfaith couples.
Of, like, just cheating, essentially.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I know that was your MO.
I mean, that's all I did.
Yeah.
I got a paper a 20 page term paper
I just
My buddy sent it to me from his college
And I just changed the name on top
Pretty much
And like I had to change like 7 words
And I definitely should have changed more
And I got like a B minus
And I was like mad at my buddy for like
Not being smarter
That is wild.
Like why didn't we do that more of just like,
I guess sometimes the assignments were so specific
or just, you know, like trade papers across state lines,
you know, like, oh, I wrote this paper about Chaucer for,
there's gotta be, you know, but I guess.
I mean, I'm almost happy we didn't.
I couldn't do
it internet like we still had to like go through books like now with the internet i don't see how
you could not plagiarize or just go no because well now they can catch you because i think that
so much is uploaded electronically that it's scan it would probably scan every paper that's on this database for any kind of,
you know,
repeat sentences or word structures.
And then they would be able to bust you.
If I bet there's some kind of,
with technology you could cheat easier,
but you can also get caught.
Yeah.
I mean,
I did a paper once.
I did a paper once for physics.
It was quantum physics.
I,
you know,
I don't know why i picked that
my god i pretty much plagiarized i mean like i definitely did not understand it by the end and
when i got my paper back i got a big red f on it and on the last page my professor was like
do you even understand what you wrote wow
at least you didn't caught play getting caught plagiarizing like at least you
just thought you were stupid as opposed to a cheater because i think that is like the most
humiliating thing is being caught lying and it's just like such a lie i i would feel i never cheated
in that way of stealing someone else's paper thank god but like i uh yeah that i would feel oh god did you ever feel like a
lot of guilt andrew um i think underneath it all i might have wanted to get caught to just
be able to start over and maybe get help i think that might have been the underlying reason of like
because i wasn't going to class i was very depressed i had horrible anxiety
i couldn't sit in the classroom without having a panic attack but i didn't really know what it was
so i just cheated and i thought right okay like so like i really didn't feel like i had a choice
but to cheat to get by like so it didn't i didn't really feel guilty about it for some reason is it
weird that i trust you less
because I know that you cheated so easily?
And I feel like, would you still do that?
Have you like-
Have I changed?
Would you go back and apologize?
Yeah, have you changed?
It makes me go, God, I don't know if he,
what if he would cheat?
Or just, I feel like you could lie easier
than I thought before.
Yeah, this is all a lie.
I feel like you're more honest with lies now because I don't think I've caught you in a lie.
And I feel like either you're really good at it or you just don't do it now.
I mean, no, I think I have changed tremendously from that moment. I think so much of the cheating was just caused by not being able to be productive without it.
So it's like now I don't see how...
I picked a profession that works for me.
Yes.
So I don't have to cheat.
That was the whole reason why I love comedy and doing standup.
Cause I performed it and I couldn't,
you couldn't cheat or I couldn't copy someone else.
Or one,
you get called out for copying jokes.
But like,
that's why I loved it so much.
I didn't rely on anyone else except for myself on stage.
And that's why.
Yeah.
But I don't mean like cheating and comedy.
I mean like cheating just, what cheating is, is a micro, it's a lie.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean.
No, I hear you.
I mean, yeah.
I mean, I.
Do you try not to lie?
I mean, like, because I feel like I try not to, but it's just sometimes you just want
to give people what they fucking want.
And it's easier to just be like, give people what they fucking want and it's easier to
just be like i loved it or whatever the fuck it is i think what happens is is i wouldn't lie or or
feel that way if i felt like the reaction uh from the other well that's why everyone lies andrew no
i know i'm just telling you though that to avoid the reaction and i know you're saying that to be
like i lie to you because i'm scared of you but the thing is we've gotten into this before what's so bad about a no or like
what you don't want to hear I think you're scared of what you don't want to hear which is is scary
but it's um but the person that that person's entitled to tell you what they feel you know
what I mean and I have to remember that too sometimes of like if I tell someone what they
want to hear because that or what they don't want to hear and I know what they want to hear
but I just don't think they look good in that outfit and I know they don't have anything else
but I can't be like you look great so I go um it's okay and then they go and then they're mad
and yeah then they're entitled to be mad just as i am entitled to not like them in the
outfit and i'm entitled to react to them being mad by by like lying not lying by not even like
like if if that person i don't know i don't know exactly how to explain it all i'm saying is that
like the reaction yeah that person's entitled to whatever fucking reaction
they want but if i think it's um uh not a nice reaction or or um like not consider it then
then i'm not even i don't know so it's like yeah i'm just saying it's not a good excuse to lie to
be like because i well it's because i just didn't want the reaction i mean that's why everyone lies i guess but i don't know but i think there's like white lies and then i
don't know i feel like there's times where people can lie where the reaction is so harsh that like
the lie is almost okay for me if it's a white lie if it's like it justifies it yes because it's just
not worth the other end i've done that before too where it's like this person's gonna be mad at me for three days and i can either just like be dishonest and a little
that's not gonna yeah because then all the fact anything how you're saying it is like then like
the lie is so fucking bad but the reaction is like well that's people's reaction you know what i mean
so then it's like well i'm just saying you i don't like to life not because of the other person but for myself because when I lie it's like betraying who I am if someone goes did
you like my movie and I'm like yeah it's like that is a self-betrayal that that compounds over time
and makes me less happy I feel it's not about like yeah but I think sometimes we're off on a
tangent yeah but I do feel like though then the lie,
you telling that person the truth in that moment and it's going to hurt them.
Can make your life worse.
That could be selfish on your part
because you can't deal with your lying.
So you're going to tell them the truth,
which is actually going to maybe hurt them
even though it's subjective.
I'm serious.
Pick up that book Lying by Sam Harris that's on the shelf
and they have an argument for why you should never lie. And's just it's just ironclad there's just no excuse
to ever lie unless you know there's like one example where he says it's okay to lie what
example is that it's if you're uh you know a small child runs to your house because someone's chasing
them to murder them and the guy comes to you the murderer comes to your house and says is the child
in your house right now and you you actually don't have to lie. You can say, I don't want to answer that.
You don't even have to lie then.
But that's the only time
if you're like protecting someone's life
and like there's violence,
there's something immediately in front of you
that's like a violent act
that if you lie, it's going to preserve your life.
That's the only time.
But really you can just say,
I don't want to answer that.
I don't have to answer that.
Or you can just shut the door. That's not a lie. But really, you can just say, I don't want to answer that. I don't have to answer that. Or you can just shut the door.
That's not a lie.
All right, moving on.
All right, let's talk about our favorite topic, drinking.
Yay.
Here's Allie.
Hey, besties.
I saw on the story that you want stories from college.
So here is my submission.
I like her voice.
So I used to be captain of the cheerleading team.
No big deal.
Just because it's so fucking cool.
And so we were a competitive cheerleading team in college.
And we had a competition coming up.
That was kind of like our big end of year thing that we've been working towards all year.
And we had kind of told our
coaches or agreed to just like not drink for the month and like we're gonna hunker down and take
care of our bodies and like just really be ready for this competition and do well so like the week
before we leave for this competition um it's this one girl's birthday and we're all kind of like
okay well like we're gonna have a party for her so we just
like all decide that we're just not gonna tell anybody like we're not gonna tell the coaches
we're not gonna like post anything on like facebook because i think it was like facebook
at the time with like 60 photos per album type shit um i'm like okay we're just gonna be secretive
and go have fun and then go to this competition. So when cheerleaders drink, they start to stunt.
And stunting when you're drinking is like super fucking dangerous.
And long story short, a guy ended up putting his head
through a glass kitchen table and was concussed and couldn't compete.
So we got caught.
Thanks, bestie.
I love you.
Oh, damn.
Oh, I mean, yeah yeah cheerleaders getting drunk they're gonna try some
things that they should be doing it's like that's that's stunting is as drinking while
yeah don't don't stunt well while drunk it is so wild to have that in your back pocket
when you're drinking like it's so scary to know that like at any moment a guy can
flip you three times and then like catch you by grabbing your vagina like who wouldn't want to do
that when you're drunk you know what i mean oh it's the first thing you'd want to do it especially
if you've been practicing it a ton and you nailed it at practice earlier that day and you finally
got this move that you've been working so hard on you you just have this false confidence. And by the way, that is false.
People always go, I get liquid courage.
It's dumb.
You're dumber.
You're not actually courageous.
You're stupider.
Yes, you must have.
Courage is actually going past the fear.
That's real courage.
When you're drunk and you think it's courage,
it's because the things telling you not to do that
that you should usually overcome in order to do something are just not there because you're dumb so that's a big
dismantling of of that that people always go but it's liquid courage like i gotta have like
if he needs to get drunk to do something you shouldn't be doing it also i think like uh
if there weren't you know when i played football in high school they made a sign you're
not gonna drink during season for you know two months or whatever they made you like yeah so
then the first thing you want to do as a high school kid is go drink because you're like fuck
the patriarchy or whatever so like that coach being like i want you on your best behavior they're like
you're a college kid you're gonna go okay'm going to go stunt through a glass table.
You know, it's like.
What's his name?
The coach for the Chicago Bulls back in the day.
What was his name?
Oh, Phil Jackson.
When he let Rodman go to Vegas.
Yeah, with Dennis Rodman.
He just goes, yeah, go.
Because I'm going to trust you to do what's right.
And I'm not your keeper.
And, you know, that's, yeah, coaches.
Yeah, putting those limits sometimes it makes you want
to do the opposite um for sure okay uh yes um and and uh alcohol can stunt your growth and stunt
your stunts uh let's get to the next one all right one more about being drunk okay from tay
tay okay my name is taylor love the podcast um taylor's voice currently in the
bathroom at work so i can send this but oh my god yes this is really embarrassing
but when i was a freshman one time i was so drunk. I don't drink anymore. FYI. But one time I was so drunk, I had to pee
so bad and the bathroom lines are insanely long at this bar because it was like the main I had found a cup on the dance floor, and I was on this surface standing up.
But anyways, I grabbed the cup, stuck it up my skirt, and I peed in the cup.
And then my friend was like, okay, go away,
and so I grabbed a cup and threw it,
threw a cup full of my pee
onto the dance floor,
like into the middle of people.
Oh my God, being drunk is so funny.
Okay, bye.
I mean, like-
What was that last part?
Now I don't drink?
Okay, bye.
Now I don't drink, yeah.
I mean, the idea that you pee in a cup,
you get this, you get it done,
you get it all in the cup,
and then you go and you throw it on the dance floor,
that's a drunk move there
of just not doing the logical thing,
which is like, you just did this amazing feat,
which is peeing in a cup in a public place.
You have a skirt on.
The line is long.
You just avoided this thing.
Good job. Maybe that's the kind of liquid courage you needed to get that liquid into that cup. in a public place you have a skirt on like the line is long you just avoided this thing like
good job like maybe that's the kind of liquid courage you needed to get that liquid into that
cup and then to toss it in that's where the drunk person comes in of like just throw it away but like
i mean though the people that had piss on their shoes that night that didn't realize it until
i mean college is so disgusting oh my god
and you know what someone definitely did the running man and slipped and not to mention
underneath that floor got it all over their bedding um well i did shit like that all the
time of just like doing this like just a knee jerk thing that was just the gross the worst thing you
could do there's probably a trash can right next to her and she just decides to go
toss it in the bar. My buddy would pee at the bar.
We'd be ordering drinks
and he'd go, hey, hey, hit me on the
shoulder. I look down and he's just pissing
on the bar. No.
I can't believe alcohol is a thing
that people will take. No, this was at Starbucks.
I mean, it just...
The barista bar.
Yeah, the barista bar.
No, yeah, it's just why. And then and then i look down his dick's out he's peeing i'm drunk and i'm like like like there's no thought like someone's gonna have to
clean this there's none of that like there's no thoughts of others the girls bet like people who
clean up after college dorms or like parties after college kids were at a bar.
It's just those people really deserve our respect because yeah,
they're just disgusting.
Like the,
the whole thing of if you miss the paper,
the trash can with a paper towel,
always pick it up.
If there's little streamers of toilet paper,
when you're trying to get it out of the thing and you're on the floor,
someone has to pick that up,
pick it up.
That's what curve. The latest curve was all about that, that really, there was a, when you're trying to get it out of the thing and you're on the floor. Someone has to pick that up. Pick it up. It's just good karma.
The latest Curb was all about that.
Really?
There was a girl, a dentist who was dating his friend
dropped something on the ground,
like a pirate booty, just dropped a chip.
Yeah.
And Larry David saw her not pick it up.
And so he went back to his friend he goes she left
the chip she left it for someone else to pick up not a good person to date and like that was like
the whole yeah that was like the whole like idea of the it's a hundred percent true if you are
someone who is if you're an adult and you haven't reached a place where you know occasionally you
slip and you just get selfish and you drop
something but like I really have made it a superstition of mine that if you leave any
trash on the floor for someone else to pick up at any point your bad things will happen to you
that trash is gonna amount to bad things coming back to you and so now it's almost like an OCD
obsession of mine like even the tiniest little piece of toilet paper I have to pick it up because
I'm like someone will either have to sweep it into a thing
And pick it up there's going to be a human effort
Going into picking that up that is not
Fair because I did it
Even though that's their job
Or whatever
Let's get to the next one
Okay let's do one about
A mispronunciation from Kat
Oh a college mispronunciation
Hey Nikki, Andrew, and Noah.
So I just saw a story about leaving a memory from college,
and I wanted to share a good one.
I'm still in college, but this is from my freshman year,
and this is when I know I should have dropped out of college.
I had a bio lab report due,
and I said Spanish leaves instead of spinach leaves 20 times throughout bio lab report due and I said
Spanish leaves instead of spinach leaves
20 times throughout the lab report
and I
saw the red lines
like the squiggles coming up under
Spanish leaves and I was like that's weird
like why do they want Spanish or spinach leaves
to be capitalized
but even then my stupid self made the connection
that Spanish leaves was not what i was supposed
to be writing anyways love the podcast thanks sir all you guys do shredded let and spanish leaves
that's what i'm gonna order at subway today she thought i went extra spanish leaves we thought
spinach was spanish like like like you just i think you look at that word and it is kind of
the same yeah the c could be an S in some words, right?
Like conscious.
I love that.
I love our little listeners.
They're so cute.
Conscious really bugs.
That one I always get worried about before I say it.
Like, it's conscious and.
Conscience.
Conscience.
And also granite and granite.
I also get those confused. Grite and granite i also get those confused granted and granite
and then i also get um oh there's another one that really gets me all the time what i you know
i was looking at my notes the other day and my friend was taking notes on my set
and he typed in molestation but it auto-corrected to mole station which i think is a hilarious new way to
say that you were a victim of mole station and then maybe you can find a like and i was just
talking about your tongue being a little mole so mole station is so funny if you like if you had a
bunch of moles and you made like a little um a little train station for them and called it mole station.
Yeah.
So that's just a fun way to look at that word.
What was another?
Oh, yeah.
I remember when I had those bad thoughts and I was thinking, I want to kill myself.
That was the thought I kept having.
And then I was like, change it so it means something else.
I want to kill on stage myself.
I want to kill.
And then it was, you can change it.
Or like you can just change it to like suicide.
Like, you know, like take-
Suey.
Suey!
Side note.
It's like when we drove by Carlsbad.
And it was Carlsbad.
Like just like taking-
Carlsbad.
That made me laugh so hard on the way to San Diego.
Andrew was like, what's Carlsbad?
Carlsbad. That made me giggle a lot. Yeah, I was. Andrew was like, what's Carl's bad? Carl's bad.
That made me giggle a lot.
Yeah, I was happy because you were like half asleep.
Oh my God.
San Diego always makes me think of eating a waffle on a beach.
It's a Sandy Eggo.
Oh.
Eggo my Eggo.
Wow.
Yeah.
I always picture someone eating a waffle on the beach whenever I hear San Diego.
That's a good one.
Yeah. These are a good one.
These are fun.
Yeah, mole station, I'm just like picturing like different moles you put on your face.
Like you get a nice little.
Oh.
Like, oh, I'm going to go with the Crawford.
Or like I just picture moles with little suitcases waiting at a train station.
Oh, that's way cuter.
And like hugging each other and like saying goodbye.
And like one running after the train
being like, I'll miss you.
And the girl is like, yes, that looks like, yes.
That guy makes it so much cuter
than old men touching young boys.
Oh my God, I met a bestie yesterday.
Oh.
Like I was in my lobby at my hotel with Carlisle.
It's Carlisle's birthday yesterday.
So I was with her and her boyfriend and we were having um a nightcap and um uh this girl came up
and forget her name Gabrielle I think it was and she was like hi I'm just listening to your podcast
I'm a big fan and I was like oh my god and I was right in the middle of being like and these
fucking molesters they are sneaky cunts like I was talking about molestation and I go oh my god
I was taking about I was talking about molestation and i go oh my god i was taking about
i was talking about sexual predators and child abuse and she was like pretty on brand for you
she was like i really appreciate those those talks you do so um i was like screaming about
molestation in a lobby and i got approached by a fan our fans are so great the best by the way
um not only am i deeply soothed by taylor's voice and whoever who was our last caller it was three in a row um the girl in the bathroom the last one was cat cat and then
who was before taylor um okay it was uh ally ally taylor and cat y'all got really soothing voices
and i wouldn't mind if you made me a voice memo and send it to my DMs. That's just like an ASMR of you just talking about your day
in a very calm, slow voice.
Because I just almost went to sleep listening to your voices.
I am deeply soothed by women's voices.
And the other day, the guy that I'm seeing, Chris,
he was like, I think I figured out why you love Taylor Swift so much.
Because he heard this TikTok that she did about fall. I'm seeing Chris he was like I think I figured out why you love Taylor Swift so much because he
heard this TikTok that she did about fall um and like it's it's about you know pumpkin lattes
and leaves and like it was her voice was so he was like her voice was so soothing and I think
you just love a voice like that that feels like almost maternal and like just calm and soothing
and so I think
he's on to something because Taylor's voice is is just a dream I want to go to the final thought I
will get to one more fan threats but I do for all our Swifties thank you so much for allowing me to
go off the other day on red I'm not done going off about everything I just got into you know I'm
taking my time all too well 10 minute version got, got it down obsessed. I've, I've spent a lot hours listening to that over
and over saying it with Andrew. Andrew almost knows all the new versus it's incredible how
much he's picked up of that. Appreciate that, Andrew. Um, I bet you think about me is my
favorite, maybe one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs of all time. That is off the Red new album. It's from The Vault. It's so good. And I've talked about it already, but I'm in the
music video for it that Blake Lively directed is incredible. I watched it last night for the first
time. Haven't had really time to dig into it. Here's an interesting thing. So for Swifties out
there or for just anyone interested, Taylor Swift, she did the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
induction ceremony
that filmed a little under a month ago
in Cleveland
and there was footage from it
taken from people in the audience
but it aired on Saturday night
and so we have the official video of it
and I was watching it
and there's this moment at the beginning
where,
and I put it on my Instagram
and she,
the camera comes up behind her
and she's singing, what Carole King song does she sing fuck I can't it can't come to mind
right now but it's um it's a classic you you would know it if you reckon if you heard it and
the camera comes up behind her and then she sees it and she turns and she just shoots at this glance
that is so hot and sexy and like I want you to know if you watch that
or do you feel things because I do anyway so I know the director of the rock and roll hall of
fame show it's Joel Gallen he directed um all the roasts and I've gone to his house to watch the
roasts before and um we've become like texting buddies because I
I was obsessed with this Prince video of Prince at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and he's playing
while my guitar gently weeps and he does this incredible guitar solo that's one of the best
ever and I found out Joel Gallen directed it so I was texting him about it so he knows I'm a big
music fan and love these performances and he invited me to his house on Saturday to watch a
screening of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ceremony. Unfortunately, I was in San Diego, but I was like, I can't wait to watch
Taylor's performance. So I watched it last night and I saw this moment and I was really interested
to know, did she ask them to do that? Like when she performs, do you think, does she have the
camera come and like, how does that happen she just sense it is it do they tell
her they're gonna come there and then she knows um what do you guys think when when there's a shot
where the camera comes from behind and then all of a sudden it's right here you know like i feel
like she's from her face and then she looks at it the last second and nails this like last line i
do think i think she is talented enough to if to get that feeling and do it on
her own i feel like she is a perfectionist enough where it's actually timed agreed so
i asked him and i said was that a you thing and you told her that it was going to be there did
she want it there and he goes she just sensed that a camera was there it was they went they went through a run through, you know, with like where the cameras were going
to be.
He didn't even tell her about that camera.
That wasn't really a planned shot.
He goes, she's that good.
She just sensed the camera.
I mean, go watch it and see what this girl was capable.
It looked like a choreographed thing.
And honestly, I was bummed out that that was the answer because it was just so good.
I wanted it to be.
Actually, I was actually happy for that answer because it means that maybe
I could do that someday because I'm never gonna be someone
who's gonna go through shot by shot backstage with someone.
That ain't ever gonna be me.
But if it's an instinctual thing that you learn
from doing it enough, maybe that could be me someday.
So I just thought that was interesting.
For your special, you have a, you know,
I know Louis did it on one of his specials
where he had a camera guy actually on stage.
And maybe you can, like like maybe not your whole special but like one of your bits you could kind of connect with the audience that way it's a good idea i might send them that that
example of that shot because it was just so beautiful and i just want to do it um okay
let's get to the last one all right uh this one's from justine. Justine. Hey, Nikki, Andrew, and Noah. It's Justine in Michigan.
So you needed voicemails about memories from college.
Well, I immediately think of this time I was hooking up with this guy.
It was my sophomore year of college, and we're in his basement, and he started to go down on me.
And all of a sudden he stops and he puts his hand like up to his mouth back and forth and then like looks at his hand back up to his mouth, looks at his hand and the lights are off.
I was like, what's wrong?
And he's like, I'll be right back.
And he goes, leaves the room.
I look down and there's blood all over me obviously I'm mortified I think oh my god
I started my period I'm literally I need to die right here and now in this moment fuck yeah and
uh he comes back from the bathroom and said how embarrassed he was that he got a nosebleed and I
was so relieved thank god um it was still really embarrassing and awkward
And obviously we stopped picking up and it was just weird
But that is the memory I think of
In college is just really shitty
Sexual encounters
Love you guys
Oh my god
Dude
If you start your period
You can't be at fault for that
If you're on your period and you don't tell someone before or you're
drunk and you forgot, I would even excuse that.
But like, no shame in starting your period if it had been blood.
But as a freshman in college or a sophomore in college, devastating if that was the case.
And thank God he had a bloody nose.
And I love that it went from you being embarrassed to him feeling.
I mean, getting a nosebleed when you're a boy i feel like it's just a thing that is it's almost like the period of for boys because you guys you guys get boners
of course but like getting nosebleeds just means you're a dork it means you're like yeah it's
always dorky what does it mean dorks i think it's cool kind of well i just like the idea i don't
know what's happening it's bleeding like it's always a dork thing, but why?
Every movie, it's always like,
I'm Sam, I know you mean.
My mom told me I shouldn't wear these pants.
It's always just like,
the altitude in this gymnasium.
Why?
Why can't it be a cool thing?
No, I'll still eat your pussy.
And he's just like, oh,
bye. Oh my god.
Nosebleeds are
hilarious and they are so vulnerable.
You have nosebleeds more than
I haven't had one in so long.
I pick my nose and I have long fingernails
and it will just
be rubbing my nose and it'll just
hit, it'll nick
it just one jason moran's this weekend just told us a story backstage that right before he came to
the show he was washing his face and he had long nails on his uh picking finger for guitar and it
just when he was washing his face one finger just went up his nose and scratched it and he was
gushing blood down his face and i was like oh that happens to me but i'm actually
picking my nose and also when i used to have a nose ring in college constant yeah constantly
hitting it and it bleeding uh all the time um so it's just very sensitive tissue in there and
then you put then you put sensitive tissue inside it to clog it up i wonder if that guy somewhere
tells that story and he's like oh god i can't believe i bleed it on her puss like i wonder if that guy somewhere tells that story and he's like oh god i can't believe i
bleed it on her puss like i wonder if he's like i bet he's like i thought it was a nosebleed but
it ended up being her period i bet he switches in to be like it wasn't my nosebleed dog and it's
like a different podcast he's calling it dalia's podcast with that story now and they're like fuck
that bitch bloody pussy. Oh my God.
Okay, well,
thank you so much
for this special episode.
We have another episode
out for you.
It will be out
on Thanksgiving.
Wednesday.
Oh, Wednesday.
And just in time
for you to listen
on Thanksgiving,
maybe you save it for that.
It's going to be
our live episode
from Cancun,
which, you know.
Oh my God.
So funny.
Okay, good. It's so funny you guys
I was there and I had so much fun so I hope
that you enjoy it thank you so much to
every bestie that came to a show this weekend
in Los Angeles and San Diego
I love meeting you
I can't say it enough I just
we're instantly friends
we both feel it whenever we meet
and I'm in Denver this weekend
I hope to see you guys there for shows.
I'm taping my HBO special, which was announced last week.
And there'll be two shows on Saturday night in Denver.
And then the following week, we'll be in Portland and San Francisco.
I'll also be coming to Calgary.
Andrew won't be on that one, but I'll be in Calgary, Alberta, Canada,
coming up on December 13th.
And also, we are going
to be in
San Fran. Yeah, we're also
going to be in Pittsburgh too.
Pittsburgh and
I believe Connecticut
in December as well. So go to
NikkiGlaser.com slash tour for tickets
and can't wait to see you out there.
Appreciate you all so much. More and more of you
coming to shows. It's been so cool to see since out there. Appreciate you all so much. More and more of you coming to shows.
It's been so cool to see since we started this tour July 30th,
and when I said the Nikki Glaser podcast,
how many woos there were then to now.
It's like most of the audience,
and that's just,
it's just the best feeling in the world.
We love you guys,
and yeah,
we'll get through this week of just two episodes,
but don't worry.
We're not phasing out.
I know it might feel like that,
but that's not what's happening.
It's just a busy time in the holidays,
but we'll stay with you.
Don't worry.
And you stay with us.
So don't be care.
And Jack and Jill.
Someone gave me Jack and Jill,
by the way, a busty.
Did I forget who?
Thank you for that, by the way.
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