The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #140 Live From JUST FOR LAUGHS ESCAPES - CANCÚN!

Episode Date: November 24, 2021

Nikki and Andrew are podcasting poolside from Pollen Presents Just For Laughs Escapes in Cancún, Mexico! If you missed it you'll feel like you're right there with them. Talking vacation horniness, top searched STDs, Andrew's run in with the cartel...no not really! And a showcase of volunteers who show off their bad tattoos! Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast. And now,

Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to Minnie Questions on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer.

If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, then tune into my podcast, Building One. I speak with some of the best product builders out there. I've always been inspired by frustration. It came back to my own personal pinpoint. So we had to go out to farmers and convince them. Following that curiosity is a superpower. You have to be obsessed with the human condition. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts.

We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Yes! Throw it out, Andrew! What's up, Cancun? Oh my god, hello! What's up Cancun? Oh my God, hello. Wow, that bass is strong. Welcome to the first show of the JFL Escapes Cancun.

How are y'all feeling this afternoon? Yes. How many of you are confused as to what's happening over here right now? In the back. Yes. Look at this, huh? So much HPV in that pool, huh? Oh, my God. Boring kills it.

Oh, it does? And COVID. COVID will kill it. What's going to die first, the HPV or the COVID? Who knows? We'll see. It's a battle. I feel the same way about both. It's like, I'm going to die first, the HPV or the COVID? Who knows? We'll see. It's a battle. I feel the same way about both. It's like, I'm going to get it. I'm going to get it. I hope I don't give it to my parents. That's who you're going to get it from. I did kiss

my dad on the mouth until I was 26. And he stopped. He was like, I can't do this anymore, Nikki. No, the weird part is, sorry to just jump into this. Hi, welcome to the show, everyone. This is the Nikki Glaser podcast. We're so happy to be here in the rain in Cancun, podcasting to a bunch of people standing in a pool, probably pissing. Who's peed in the pool so far let

me just get honest be honest who's pissed no women are raising just one girl two girls okay who took a shit who's the real person that took it hell yeah hell yeah who's the hero here um yeah back to my dad kissing me on the lips um it's it's like a thing in my family. I've covered it before on the show, but my dad did insist that my family kiss on the lips. As kids, it's not a weird thing. And he always was like, don't be weird about it. When I got to be an adult,

and I was like, Dan, I don't want to kiss on the lips anymore. He's like, don't make this out to me being creepy. He was always like, I kiss my dad on the lips. And I'm like, but he died when you were 11. That's the appropriate time to stop. And's like oh you're right but so i made him the weird thing is i made him stop kissing me on the lips for at the age of 26 i'm 37 now the other day he went to

go see one of my like my show in chicago and he was like crying afterwards because i talked about anal too much and um, he was proud. No, he was very emotional. You do have the same asshole as him. He was just so proud. It was sweet. It was weird, though, because he came in to hug me, and I go, Dad, you want a kiss?

I gave him a kiss on the lips, which is even weirder to be like, here's your reward, daddy. Like, that made it worse somehow. Like, it's. I went down on my mom after the show. She is in a wheelchair. She is in a wheelchair. Yeah. She was still wearing jeans.

I just ate through it. You know? Oh, God. Hell yeah. Andrew, people are swimming. People are swimming is the funniest thing I've ever heard. Andrew, but these people are swimming. People are swimming is the funniest thing I've ever heard. Andrew, but these people are swimming. Guys, we are so excited to be here.

I just woke up legit an hour ago. Yeah, waking up. Thank you. Waking up late. You can literally say anything and they'll hoot and holler. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want to test it? Do you want to test it do you want to test it Andrew? Yeah, yeah, I'm going to jail for manslaughter It was a child it was more like child slaughter Everyone's dead. Oh, my God. Spring break.

I just like the idea of the cartel listening from far away. Stay out. Just outside the gates of this enclosure, just with a cup against the gate. So, yeah, we're in Cancun. We are at a very nice resort, the Barcelo. The Barcelo Maya Rivera. Yes. Está bueno. Mucho gusto.

We passed about 93 different resorts on the way to this one from the airport. Yeah. But this one had the best sign, I have to say. I was like, this one, we're going to the right place. This place, I've never been to a place like this that is all-inclusive, right? Hard Rock. This girl's uh screaming hard rock what's that about i think she's just here to promote the hard rock in atlantic city

which is a separate issue altogether but what do you mean by that don't ask her it's fine okay she was just talking about the deuce she just took in the pool. It sunk right to the bottom. Blame it on the dog. Blame it on the dog. So I slept till 1230. You texted me, I think, in the morning. You were supposed to go golfing in the morning with Nick, who was a part of the JFL show, and then Andrew Santino.

We hung out last night in my hotel room. I kicked you guys out eventually because it was like I was tired, and I was tired of talking shit about other comics. And we did a lot of shit talking last night. It was really fun. But Joe Coy. No, I'm just kidding. No, we didn't.

No. No. I'm just saying. Just kidding. Just kidding. I'm only saying that for the listeners of the show who know. I love Joe Coy, but there's a thing that he does that, you know. If you don't know, if you want to get a standing ovation as a comedian,

just wait after you're done. Just do this. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Oh, my gosh, you guys. Thank you. Thank you so much. And then everyone will stand eventually because they have to leave.

So, anyway, it was really fun it didn't work it didn't well they're already standing in the pool oh yeah that's a good point that's a good point i thought they'd float a little higher okay so last night uh i i we went to bed and i slept in today till 12 1230. I pulled an Andrew today, though, because I have to admit, I forgot a toothbrush, and I have not brushed my teeth in, you know, 24 hours. Over 24 hours. Thank you so much. It's all right. You're in Mexico, baby.

Yeah, that's, yes. Oh, my God, I did swish with the drinking water. Is that okay? Yeah. Oh, you're dead. You're fucking dead. Oh fucking Yolo, um, I I just did the thing where you pour I squirted toothpaste in my mouth and then with my finger

I went like that and then I also I also floss which you do yearly and What's that? Did you bring a toothbrush here? What happens in Mexico stays here? Yeah, so maybe tell me. I don't know. I don't know. I just felt good there. It just felt like a good excuse.

It feels like anything. You can get away with anything. But I realize if you don't, so I have always wondered why Andrew doesn't brush his teeth first thing in the morning. First of all, I fucking brush my teeth. You're telling all these people I don't fucking brush. I brush. If you don't listen to the show, Andrew and I live together in St. Louis Missouri and um one time St. Louis go cards I don't know anything about sports um I just like playing cards

and greeting cards and and go karts actually when people say go karts to me I'm always like go karts um I uh one day I walked into Andrew's room and and in his shower, I saw a toothbrush on the floor, which, listen, I'm a grubby person, and I don't care about germs. I don't care about that. I feel like that toothbrush is probably cleaner than most. Yes. Yes, because it's getting all the water and all your body hair. First of all, I saw your vibrator underneath your bed on the carpet.

Like, what's cleaner? A shower? I cleaned it your vibrator underneath your bed on the carpet. What's cleaner? I cleaned it before I put it back there. The carpet. I'm not putting that in my mouth. I am putting that in my mouth sometimes. You put it in your mouth? That's awesome. Not when it's on vibrate. That'll break a tooth. But, you know, when I have cankers. That'll break a tooth, but you know.

When I have cankers. So do you think you're going to get some vacation cock, you think? Wait, I'm not done talking about your toothbrush. Oh, I was trying to switch it up. Well, what I have to say is that I understand now. I never understood how you could wake up and not brush your teeth because your breath just tastes so bad. But if you eat something right away or drink something with flavor, it goes away.

So you can just not brush your teeth and not even notice. So I'm on board, man. I'm on board. I'm getting gingivitis. I'm getting HPV. I ain't getting vacation cock, though. Did you just bring that up? Yeah, vacation cock.

Is there any way that any of these gentlemen can woo you in a way that will have sex in a hammock? Well, I do not. Who wants to fuck in a hammock? Are there hammocks? Oh, there's hammocks over there. Or the bathtub that's on the balcony. I feel like they just ordered extra bathtubs here when they were creating this place. And they were like, we didn't leave room to put these inside.

Is there any place? Because they look very out of place on the balcony. It's too much. It's not like a jacuzzi or like a spa. It's like a bathtub. It has the grip on the bottom. It looks like a handicapped bathroom. There's nothing wrong with that.

No, nothing at all. Yeah. I mean, fucking in a hammock's tough. Because there's no gift. There's a lot of gifts. There's no pushback on the hump. And then you hump once and then it swings. But if you get with the swing, maybe it could.

Do you know that Mormons, when they do the thing of, everyone knows about soaking, right? Like Mormons aren't supposed to have sex. You're a Mormon on the bridge over there? Oh, no, but you just know about it. You listen to a podcast about Mormonism? Okay, got it, girl. So Mormons, I didn't know this, but they are so creative. So they're not allowed to have sex before marriage, right?

But they're so horny. So a lot of times they will do the thing called soaking where they just put the penis in, and because it doesn't go back and forth, it doesn't count as sex, right? Like God doesn't see it. But then the weird part is, I just found this out, maybe a lot of you know, they'll get their friends to jump on the bed so that they're not actually doing it and it's their friend's fault. Or they wait for an earthquake.

And that's a little bit more time consuming. But more private, of course. And God actually causes the earthquake because you're soaking and he's mad. It seems like he's into it. So that's kind of like the same idea as a hammock. Oh, I guess, yeah. You soak on a hammock and then two buddies push it around. Have you ever had sex on a hammock or vacation

sex? I've had sex on a waterbed and it's similar, I guess, you know. Oh, yeah. It's hard to fuck on a waterbed, no? Yeah, because no one has a waterbed anymore. Where do you find one? That's the hard part. I'm from Florida. They're everywhere. They're still around. That's where they all get sex. When you're a kid, you get your own little waterbed and where do you find one that's the hard part i'm from florida they're everywhere they're still around that's where they all get when you're a kid you get that you get your own little waterbed and then you grow up to a big daddy waterbed andrew i have a question for

you like based on what we thought this would be doing a live podcast in the rain in cancun for a bunch of people in a pool that are really here maybe to see andrew santino what did you feel this is going so far how do you feel this is going so far? How do you feel it's going so far? Me too. I feel the same way. I agree. I agree. I agree. I feel like Pauly Shore on spring break, you know? Remember when he would just like grope women and everyone be like, that's Pauly. Yeah. You know? Spring break! It's raining. Spring break! I love that we're all well older. Is anyone in college here? No one should be yelling spring break past 30.

You're in college right there? Yes. Awesome. Spring break! Grad school? Going back? Okay. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. I am getting really wet. Not... I am getting really wet. Not because of that hat you're wearing. No, I am, it is, for those of you listening, so by the way, this podcast for our listeners, and I do hope that you all get on board with this podcast because it's generally not as chaotic. I'm having fun so far.

You've listened you've listened thank you that was hilarious that a girl in the front row of the pool which is a thing i've never said just told me she goes i've listened and usually someone goes i'm a listener or like i love love it. But she's like, I've given it a whirl. I've listened for 15 seconds. Like she's talking about going to Vietnam or something. I did it. It wasn't easy. Listen. By the third episode.

It is. Thank you so much for your service in listening to our podcast that one time. I hope you get to board planes early. No, if you do listen to our podcast that one time. I hope you get to board planes early. No, if you do listen to this podcast, we, this is going to be airing on Thanksgiving. So I just want to give everyone at home and everyone here.

I just, happy Thanksgiving. I don't know. I just want to say, I hope you're, I hope this is good for you to adequately like, you know, avoid your family today.

All those like things that everyone says, every meme that's circulating today about like, well, your family sucks and it's better to be alone you know like what meme is every meme on thanksgiving is just like oh don't bring up politics or do oh yeah to like alienate yourself from your uncle who molested you like you know i don't know it's always about that yeah i don't bring up politics at dinner i i mean i just don't know because I don't know. It's always about that. Yeah, I don't bring up politics at dinner. I mean, I just don't know anything about it. Because you don't know anything about politics anyway. You don't bring it. Quiz me.

I'll tell you everything. Who is the Secretary of State? What state? I shouldn't ask questions I don't know the answer to. I have no idea. Does anyone know? No, we're all in fucking... Who?

Condoleezza Rice. Is it really? No, no, it in fucking... Who? Condoleezza Rice. Is it really? No, no, it's not. That's a Thanksgiving dish. Okay, so... I... Oh, shit, we're done. Did you have fun at breakfast this morning without me?

Yeah, we did. Especially because you weren't there. I will say that you came by my room right before this podcast. We met up like a half hour before, and I was just like, Andrew, I had a headache from not having coffee. And I was like, can you just bring me a coffee, please? I'm still spray tanning myself, which, by the way, it's all. I feel I'm so scared that I'm going to be, like,

dotted with white dots because of this. Yeah, you look like a spotted pig. No, like a skinny pig, like a hot hog. Like one of those little tiny teacup pigs that are bred, you know, that are starved to death so that they're sold and they're cuter. A slice of pig. You look like a slice of spotted pig. Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I was spray tanning myself waiting for it to dry, which it doesn't in this humidity, so noted. And you brought me a coffee, and it was, you guys, he goes, he brought me a coffee and it was you guys he goes he brought it in and I was like oh thank you so much

for the coffee and I go he goes the setup's actually pretty great we missed you this morning and I'm really excited about doing it

and I just go wait did you just say you missed me this morning it was the most subtle little thing it meant a lot I go

I was gonna let it go cause I go I think he just tried to share a feeling, and I don't want to harp on it, and it makes me uncomfortable to hear men emote. But I did miss you. I missed you a lot. So don't act like you didn't miss me this morning.

No, I did. I did because I thought we had to pay, and then it was all inclusive, and I was like, eh, not that much. I thought I'd run your card a few times. Well, did you have fun? Yeah, we bought a football I just threw into the pool, which I didn't think about because I don't think I'm getting it back. Yeah, probably not.

Fucking 9,000 pesetas or something. Everything's so expensive here. What did you do? Pesos? Oh, pesos. Excuse me. I was giving it a female touch. They're little pesos that wear a skirt, you know?

Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed?

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community. And I made my way back. Hey y'all, Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, y'all. I'm Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls.

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When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour.

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Okay, so do we have like any, should we get to the news? Yeah, why don't we do, how about, hey, you heard it here first, huh? Hey, you heard it here first. Hey, you heard it here first. You heard it here first. Thank you. Oh my God. Ah, yeah.

I've been wanting to hear that from a drunk man for so long. That's the only time they say it to me too, when they're wasted. That guy looks like he rode a four-wheeler here. A guy tried to kiss me? Hell yeah. Hell yeah. That guy fucking puts Mountain Dew into his penis. guy is a fucking badass hell yeah I fucking love you I'll fucking suck your dick bro yeah yeah by the way if you see Andrew walking around this uh resort

at any time throughout the day if you want to say say, like, Andrew, I love you, big fan, it will make, it's like Zoloft for him. Like, he will be happy for, like, three months because of your compliment. Yeah. And so. I don't think I'm above any of you. But I do want to say.

I do want to say, though, that the time between he shouted, I love you, Nikki, and I love you, Andrew, was enough time for him to whisper to someone, who's the guy's name again? What's the guy's name? Thank you. You love us both. That's fucked up, dude. What's my last name?

No, not you. Jesus Christ. What's my middle name? No. T. I'm 100% right, he said. Fuck you. He asked what your name was. Yes.

Fuck you. Dude. I nailed it. All right. Let's get to the news. Tell me a news story. How did you know that? Because it was the perfect amount of time for him to be like, wait, what is his name?

God, that fucking hurt. Whatever. Three other people don't know my name either. Did you ever play that game where you go underwater and you try to have the person say something and scream it and see if you can hear it? Oh, yeah, yeah. That's probably what he did. You ever kiss your dad underwater? Wild things. You've seen the scene. We recreated it.

Or showgirls. Remember that one? No, I never saw that. No? Alright. I just jerked off to that recently. Sex therapists say that holiday horniness is a thing. Yeah, for sure. I mean, that's obvious. I don't know why. Triptophan.

Holidays evoke feelings of closeness and connection. Also, when people are on vacation, they are hornier because you've taken away the stress of the daily grind. Yes. And it just doesn't feel like this is the real world. You know, like, it just, it honestly does feel like nothing we do here is going to be accounted for outside of these walls. You can't get pregnant in Mexico, I heard. Yes.

I read that. Because the water source makes you infertile. The cartel will kill your baby, actually. Jesus Christ. The cartel will kill your baby, actually. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I mean, like, are you feeling, do you miss Brenna? Are you feeling horny here? Yeah, I miss Brenna, of course.

But, I mean, there's girls in bikinis. Did you jerk off? Huh? Have you jerked off here yet? No, I'm saving my stock for two weeks for my lady. You see your lady in two weeks? Give her a nice present, you know? Nothing a girl likes more than a ton of cum, right? All right.

Yeah. I was just about to ask how many people have cum so far since they've been here, but I just feel like they're not going to be honest. Oh, you're here together. Nice. Right now? Oh, he's up against the Jets. Andrew, you know all about that.

Andrew famously used to, as a child, tell them about you and the Jets, not the team. My parents had a hot tub, not to brag about our money, but I would fuck the Jets before I could actually ejaculate. So I'd just do it until it burned. How old were you? I was about nine or ten. Anyhow, I would do it every night. I'd bring a book in to trick them. What do you mean?

Like, I would be in there for like an hour, and I'd be like, oh, I'm reading Odysseus or whatever. My mom's like, oh, we got a little Hemingway. And then I got an F in English. She's like, oh, I think he's fucking the Jets. Do you ever go in a hot tub and just have kind of a flashback or an impulse to just turn around

and just get up on it and grind? I'd be lying if I said no. Yeah. I mean, the bathtub outside on our balcony is just, last night it was like, hey bitch, come on over. Yeah, I was whispering to you. Don't be scared.

So I fucked it. Yeah, I was whispering to you. Don't be scared. Yeah So I fucked it All right next story. All right, this one's fun the top five most commonly googled STDs in the US are What do we think? Oh? Number can I guess can I guess this guy yelled it like he typed it in in the war? Yeah? It's got to be herpes because that's the one that's like you see something right away and you go, what is it? And you look it up and it's, I've done it, I've searched

herpes so many times. I type in H and it just fills it in for me. And so and then you look at the source and then you compare it to what you have and you go and you find one that does convince you I have it. That's the problem.

You find it. I don't have herpes. I don't judge anyone who does. I just have, it's always razor burn that keeps coming back every few months when I get stressed, and all my boyfriends get it. But it's definitely razor burn. Don't worry about it. And I've got it on my mouth.

It's just weird. No, I don't have herpes yet but i feel like it's it's so chlamydia is number one no way chlamydia is number one i think people are just trying to figure out how to spell it yeah yeah yeah herpes gonorrhea what is gonorrhea again is that is that general warts gonorrhea i i have no idea um what's gonorrhea don't ask them the clap oh the clap what's chlamydia then the snap and then i wait what about crabs are crabs still around i i know that pubic hair is it's their habitat and i know deforestation has been plaguing the crab community for the past couple decades at least. They have, you know, it's a real problem.

I love that back in the day they were like, that's crabs. Like, is crabs short for something? Scabies. Oh, no, no. Crabs and scabies are different? Yeah, man. It's scabies, dude. You've had it before.

I've had scabies. I haven't had crabs. I got scabies from a turkish bath and uh that you were up against the jets wait what that seems like the story you tell your girlfriend who you also gave scabies to i was a turkish bath babe yeah yeah i was it was a towel uh syphilis is number five don't skip over to over your scabies story. Well, I had it for a couple months, and I was really scared. And then I went to a doctor, and the nurse was too good looking to show my balls to.

So I just said I had a little rash on my hands. And she said it was psoriasis. And I was like, ugh, that's worse. And then I sent my dick to my buddy that's a doctor, and I go, what is this? And he goes, it's a lot of hair. And I was like, oh, well, what else? And he's like, ah, it's scabies. And then you got a – like, you suffered for months with scabies

because there was a hot nurse. Like, girls should not – women should be aware that if they're – any woman being a nurse should be aware that when you go into a room with a guy that, that he, with a guy that looks a little nervous, he might change his story based on how, like, he might get, you know, like. Yes. Would you do that now even though you have a girlfriend? No, I think I'd be all right. I mean, she was just, you know, she was wearing, you know, a little top, I think. Was it Halloween and she was dressed as like a sexy nurse?

Yeah, it might not have been a nurse. I don't know what it was. It was a woman in an alley smoking crack. And I was like, will you look at my dick real quick? But yeah, that's your first. We learned a lot, I feel like. We really did learn a lot. We have a segment on the show we like to do called Top One, Bottom One.

It's where we say our least favorite and most favorite stories of a certain subject. The category today is vacation moments because this is a vacation for many of you. Yes. I feel like I'm at a Kenny Chesney concert.

Yeah, fuck it. No shoes, no problem. Hell yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. Roll on. Have you been to a Kenny Chessy concert? No, I'd love to go I know, I would too Sounds fun So tell me, what is your least favorite Your bottom vacation memory?

Probably, I talked about it this week But having an overdose in New Orleans Oh my god I did too much cocaine I talked about it this week, but having an overdose in New Orleans. Oh, my God. I did too much cocaine. But was it really an overdose? It was a mild overdose. The doctor said I was a pussy.

Was it a panic attack? That was his medical. No, I had a heart murmur, which is just a lazy heart attack. He's like, oh, murmur. Did you have a murmur, you little bitch? I was like, dude. And then I was in the heart ward for three days and I lost $7,000. Oh, wow. Jesus

Christ. I didn't lose it. Yeah, so that sucked. Like you were gambling. What's your worst story? My worst one is probably when, well, it's also my best and worst. I'll crank out two and one. My best one was I got my first kiss on spring, my first consensual kiss.

Let me be totally honest about that. The first one was definitely a rape that I didn't enjoy. But you can be rape kissed. I don't know if anyone knows that, but I definitely was. And it was like a. Humble brag. I know. Just kidding.

Just kidding. Just kidding. Do you know there's different kinds of rape besides... I don't mean to bring up rape, but I guess I do. But there's acquaintance rape. Oh. Which I've never heard of. I was visiting a college campus and I just picked up the newspaper to go, oh, what's a topical thing I could talk about on stage?

And I wasn't visiting. I was actually performing at it. And so it said, acquaintance rape on campus. And I was like, I love the idea that they have to, a girl goes to the police and is like, I was raped. And they're like, who did it? Were you attacked and pulled into some bushes by a stranger? No, like I knew him.

Oh, were you guys dating? That would be, no, it wasn't a date. Well, like I knew him, but like, he was like a friend of a friend. Like, oh, acquaintance rape. him oh were you guys dating that would be no it wasn't a date well like I knew him but like we're like he was like a friend of a friend like oh acquaintance rape okay like so you guys just like nod to each other on campus why do we have to even qualify it like you know what I'm saying I had no idea about this until just now but well yeah so anyway I was uh the my first kiss was just you know he just attacked my face what was he an he an acquaintance? No, he was a friend. It was a friend rape.

But it was a kiss. And then the second one, my second kiss, which was official, was in Fort Myers. And the beauty of that was my group of friends in high school were not, like, the popular girls. We were just, like, somewhere in between. But I had never kissed a boy. I was 16 or 17 at this point. And all my friends had, like, blown people blown people and like gone down on each other. And I had not done anything.

And I was so like nervous. I was like, I'm going to be bad at it. And I really wanted my, I have lofty goals. I'm like, it has to be someone pretty impressive. And I couldn't get anyone at my high school impressive enough because I wasn't cool enough. And there was popular girls that they could kiss. So we go down to Fort Myers, Florida and it's, there's like no one there that we're really into. Me and my girlfriends are on the beach laying out and then all of a sudden the group of popular guys from our high school are also vacationing in Fort Myers,

Florida. But the girls are, the popular girls are not there. And these guys are striking out in Fort Myers and they see us and they know that they have value to us. And they're like, I guess this is good enough. And they're like, let's hang ladies. And I'm like, yes, we get to hang with the most popular boys. So then we go at night. Are you booing? Oh, okay. I know this is so stupid. What? Boo to the popular boys. They're boys they're all degenerates now not doing very well working for their dad's construction company so it's like who won in the end but yeah fuck those blue collar workers

no you fucking idiots can't even turn a computer on I've been told to stop talking about them because I've been contacted by like friends of theirs being like stop like Instagram living the yearbook and saying like this guy was hot in high school I'm like what but why they go because he's just going through a really hard time and you're like bringing up some memories I'm like that he was cool in high school like yeah but if he peaked it's tough

so I won't drop names but uh and that's I usually drop a name, but I'm really actually scared of these people because I live now in this city where they are. So we go to this guy's, like, grandma's house, and it's the popular boys, and it's the first time I'm, like, drinking in my whole life, and I'm feeling a little drunk, and I know that I'm going to, like, kiss a boy that night. I'm, like, so excited.

And I have my eyes set on this guy, Matt. You know, I'm like, I've always liked him. I've always had a thing for this guy. And then there's other guys that I'm just like I can't even get them right now like they're too that's too lofty of goals I'll take this Matt guy who I already liked so we're in this solarium room alone and we are literally like I'm not even kidding you it was out of like a movie I I'm about to get my first kiss. We're this close to kissing. And my friend Taylor, who was on the water polo team, and she was a year older, and she was on the water polo team with all these popular boys. She was kind of like cool with them and just like, you know, wasn't as intimidated.

She burst in the room. And all my friends are outside the room like being like, Nikki, first kiss. And we're just kind of laughing. And I'm leaning in to kiss this guy for the first time. And we get this close. And she bursts in the room and she's like Nikki she goes sorry sorry Matt you've been trumped and it was the first time I heard the word trumped in my life and I know but it's pertinent to the story give him a chance

geez she goes sorry only four years she, he'll be back. Watch your words. So she goes, sorry, Matt. You've been trumped. And she's pulling this guy, Larry, who he doesn't care if I say his name. She's pulling this guy, Larry. And she goes, and she mouths to me, he wants to make out with you. And I go, so sorry, Matt. We'll see you next time.

And Matt literally went from this to having to leave. And then Larry popped down. Because Larry was legit. He was it. He was the hottest guy in our school. So then because I'm in this situation where there's no other women and I'm his only choice, he sits down, which is how I get. I mean, I've used these tactics to get hot guys my whole life.

It's the only way I get laid. I'm the last resort. Yes. Yeah, yeah. This was honestly the last resort on the way from the airport. So we. I like that one. So he sits down, and I'm like, oh, my God, I'm about to kiss Larry.

Like, this is a dream come true. And I was so awkward, didn't know what to do. And he did this really dumb move where he was like, we were both, like, oh my god, I'm about to kiss Larry. This is a dream come true. And I was so awkward, didn't know what to do, and he did this really dumb move where we were both drinking wine and he spilled it on my boobs. I just did it to myself. But I didn't mean to. I didn't know that. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to pour

Pepsi on my tits. I didn't mean to get Diet Pepsi on my tits. My stupid, big, thick tits. I don't know. I went with it. That made me uncomfortable. Yeah, me too.

I missed you at breakfast. So he spilled it on me, and he goes, oh, no. What are we going to do to clean that up? And I was looking for a towel. I was like, I don't know. I mean, you did it to me. He spilled red wine on my J.Crew swimsuit, which I bought specifically for that trip. Fuck!

And I'm like looking around like kind of for seltzer being like, I know seltzer works, but this was in the early 2000s before seltzer was like everywhere, you know? Yeah, spicy water. I'm like looking for a LaCroix, but there's none to be found. And then he goes, wait a second, let me get it. And he just starts sucking my boob to to clean it up like a Bissell. Shot back. And so before my first kiss, I got my first boob suck.

Do you think? Thanks, yo. And then let me say why this was the worst. So that was the best because I was like, I got to kiss the hottest guy in our grade. This is such like, this is, I can't wait to bring this back with me this will be awesome and bragging rights exactly but I wasn't that type of girl that was like I mean I just wanted to tell my friends you know like my other friends that weren't on the trip so then I get back to school and I'm feeling

really tired and like getting a sore throat. I got fucking mono from my first kiss that lasted for three months. And, by the way, I did not know this at the time. The only people that had mono in the school, and, by the way, he didn't tell anyone. I was like a secret, which is always embarrassing when you're that girl that's like, why don't you tell anyone? They're like, oh, just because I'm respecting your privacy. It's not because I'm embarrassed.

And he didn't tell anyone because it was me, him, and his girlfriend, which I didn't know he had a fucking girlfriend. And because we all had mono, it was like a thing in school, so everyone ended up knowing, and that was my worst thing. What was your best vacation moment, Andrew Collin? Listening to that story. That would have worked better with worse. And how dare you?

Don't throw Pepsi on my tits. You could if you want. No. I mean, you have them. And that's why you're wearing a shirt. And you will be the rest of this trip. Don't pretend like this is just what you wanted to wear.

Hey, this is my swim shirt, okay? I'll take my shirt off. I promise. Not right now. Not right now. Not in front of people. When I'm alone in my room. Under the bed. But I'll fucking take it off. No no no

When I'm alone When I'm alone When I'm alone Alright Alright stop it Oh my god I really apologize to everyone Listening to this

At their aunt's house On Thanksgiving And listening to people shrieking Just being like I wish I It was that fun But there's no What's the best vacation?

Probably fingering a girl. That's about it. That was the whole story. Did you spill red wine and were like, let me get it up? Yeah, it was white wine. I kept it classy, you know? No, it was on a cruise and I fingered her. And then I got an AIDS test when I was a virgin because I bit my nails

after I fingered her. Yeah. That's a true story. It's sad. Oh my God. Yeah. Truly, that was your best one. Did you like get to brag?

Were your brothers on that trip too? Like was your whole family? Was there a part of you that wanted to even tell your mom? Like were you so excited? It was my first standing ovation. It was amazing. Andrew, stop.

This will be unlistenable if all we have is screams. But I do appreciate the enthusiasm. So was that really your stop it? Take off your shirt, Andrew. It's what the people want. No, you take your shirt off. You take your shirt off. I don's what the people want. No, you take your shirt off. You take your shirt off. I don't have anything under this.

Stop it. I feel like this isn't consensual. Y'all are acquaintance raping me right now. I don't like it. This feels a lot like acquaintance raping. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast.

Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head.

But one night, a new door opened and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community. And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps listen to crumbs as part of the michael lura podcast network available on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts

hey y'all i'm dr joy harnon bradford host of Therapy for Black Girls. And I'm thrilled to invite you to our January Jumpstart series for the third year running. All January, I'll be joined by inspiring guests who will help you kickstart your personal growth with actionable ideas and real conversations. We're talking about topics like building community and creating an inner and outer glow. I always tell people that when you buy a handbag, it doesn't cover a childhood scar. You know, when you buy a jacket, it doesn't reaffirm what you love about the hair you were told not to love. So when I think about beauty, it's so emotional

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on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? podcasts, or wherever had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to many questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry.

I really wanted to be a playboy, my dog. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the center of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You know what I wanted to do? or wherever you get your podcasts. possible without as much chaos. I want who here has the worst tattoo. Oh, yeah. And I want several people to line up. Yeah, will you all line up? Come here. Get out of the pool. That's a great idea. If you have a shitty tattoo, line up.

Because, I mean, this could go on all night from what I've seen. But look at that guy that just walked over and is like, I got to do it. I'd be surprised if anyone has a good tattoo here. Yeah. Okay, honey. Oh, my God. I'd be surprised if anyone has a good tattoo here. Yeah. Okay, honey. Oh, my God. Is that a port wine stain or a tattoo? You have a crab.

I have a crab. Wait, come here. Get in the camera with me. Okay. So if you guys could just stop screaming for a second just so I can hear her. Okay. So what is your name?

My name is Emily. Your name is Emily. Okay. So you sound to be in the same state that the tattoo artist who gave you these was in. Actually not. They're going first. Okay, tell me which one of these tattoos is your most embarrassed? I got my ex's tattoo covered. You got your what?

My ex's tattoo covered up. You got your ex's tattoo covered up. Now, his name? Anthony. Wait, what does that mean, your ex's tattoo covered up. Now, his name? Wait, what does that mean, your ex's tattoo? Like a tattoo you got for your ex or a tattoo that your ex gave you? No, his ex's best dad gave it to me. Your ex's best dad?

He has... Out of all his dads, the best one gave... Okay, show me what it is. So it says, on the wings of a dream, and there's a feather that looks like a house centipede. Wait, let's get it in the camera so the people on YouTube can see. Can you just turn? There's the camera right there.

Okay. What was it before? What was it before, honey? Please, Anthony. Oh, it said Anthony before, and now it says on the wings of a dream. I'd go back to Anthony. Literally go back to him. Thank you so much,

Emily. That was great. Thank you. Okay, Andrew, who do you have over there? You can go back in the pool, sweetie. Thank you so much. Thank you, girl. Oh my god, the line is out of the fucking resort, you guys, for bad tattoos. It's into the ocean. Okay, we're going to do your, what's your name? Emma.

Okay, Emma. Emma, give Emma a round of applause. We can't hear her. Okay, Emma, what's your tattoo and why is it terrible? Is it your best dad's? Dude, I only have one tattoo. And it's bad? I never wanted a tattoo.

Why did you get one? I was in Alaska. Alaska. Alaska. The old, I was in Alaska. Yeah, the old, I'm on a glacier. Obviously, the tattoo parlors there are not the best. Yeah, so where is it? Yes, we do want to see.

Oh, it's on your kind of bikini. Oh, it's cute. I like it. Okay, it's a mountain range. You guys, this looks like she was in the Nixxiom cult, to be honest with you. This looks like the initials of two people who were... Wait, let's just see it

really quick. It's a mountain range with a sun. I think that's adorable. The lines are way too long. The lines are too long. It's what? Ugly. It's not ugly. I actually really like it. No, my friend got the moon. Your friend got the moon and you got the sun. Are you still friends with that girl?

Yeah, of course. Well, then good. I don't regret that for you. Yeah, you did great. Yeah, great job. Thank you. Okay. Hi, honey. I got this tattoo with my three best friends. Yes. Most of you will know this as Mario Super Blast on Mario Race Kart. Okay.

Why did you choose that? Oh, it's like three mountain range kind of triangles. You know, triangles without the bottom. Okay. Why did you get that? So that's the thing you go over and it goes boom. Exactly. You're going to get a super blast from this tattoo on Mario Kart.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. I got this with my best friends. Oh, she put major air quotes on that. You guys. Major air quotes.

How did they betray you? First of all this first page like just Okay What did she do? What did she look? She was just like? She just like peace out for no reason for real. I'm so. You seem awesome. Yeah, it's a great tattoo. It's fantastic. I still have this Mario Kart Super Blast on my side. Yeah.

Manslaughter. All right. Thank you so much, girl. What's your name? My name is Dominique. Dominique over here. And what dumb idea did you have that you did? I feel, actually, I thought that maybe I'd feel liberated, like, amongst other people

that had bad tattoos. Yeah, but these haven't been bad. Actually, I'm just like, their tattoos are not that bad at all. I agree. Mine is so horrible. Here we go. Are you ready? Yes.

Here, go front and center. Oh, my God, I'm so excited. Here you go. Okay. What do we got? Oh, boy. Oh, shit. That is tragic.

Okay, what we're looking at, for those in the back, it is a cartoon whale that is outlined with black, and then it's colored in with an orange, but it looks like just a period stain. It's not good. What's the origin of it? So it's fucking whaley bad is what it is. What's the meaning behind it? it's it's fucking really bad it's like what it is what what's the meaning behind it no no listen everybody now of course wants to think that it's like a um what do you

call it like a vineyard vines like it does look like vineyard vines oh i know it's not i'm not white enough for that so i promise you and it's right next to where your vines are coming down. Oh, I know, I know. I have never wanted to not save the whales so much after seeing that tattoo. I think we should whale them all. I was thinking of how you kill a whale, and it's just called whaling. Definitely not a sperm whale, I'll tell you that. It's a whaling bad decision.

Whaling bad. Whaling bad. Whaling bad. Thank you so much, girl. That was truly terrible. Thank you, Dominique. Okay, what do you got? What's your name? Megan. Okayaley bad. Whaley bad. Thank you so much, girl. That was truly terrible. Thank you, Dominique. Okay, what do you got? What's your name? Megan. Okay, Megan. Megan is showing us a tattoo on her thigh. What do we got here? I have three. Oh, you have three. Sorry, that one's

great. I didn't mean to say that one was the bad one. That one's awesome. That just looks like a bruise. No, we get it. Like a three-week-old bruise. Oh, you have a hot dog on your hip. But you have a hot dog? Why that? I went on a road trip with my cousin across America to find America's best hot dog, so I decided to get a tattoo. I kind of like that. Is that... And you have a chicken nugget on your heel that has a

face on it. It looks like meatwad. Who's doing these tattoos? What's it called? AquaTeen, thank you. It looks like meat wad. The hot dog's cool, though. Did you find the best hot dog? No, we didn't.

So I'm glad you commemorated that trip with that. Did your cousin die or something? Is there some reason that you got that? No, I just like getting stupid tattoos because I think it's funny. What's the next one? Doing a live podcast on Next to a Pool. Wait, you got a bottom of your foot? I wanted to do a bottom of your foot, but you have a hairy toe?

That does not look like a hairy toe. That looks like. You all got to see this. Why would you have a hairy toe on the bottom of your foot? It is the dumbest thing I think I've ever seen. When I went to rehab, one of my friends in there was a tattoo artist. Oh, never mind. She got in rehab. Never mind. I can get on, one of my friends in there was a tattoo artist. Oh, never mind. She got in rehab.

Never mind. I can get on the bottom of my big toe. I take it back. It's cool. I love it. It's cool. Congrats on being. Are you still recovered?

You're literally the only sober person who's been up here today. So thank you for that. You're literally my favorite comedian. Oh, my God. Thank you. Please don't say that into the mic. She's literally my favorite comedian. Oh, my God.

All right. All right. What the fuck? Thank. All right. That's so cool. Thank you, babe. You're so sweet. I love that. Wait, did the bottom of your foot really hurt? It was awful? Oh, boy.

Here we go. Come on up. Andrew, are you single? Andrew, are you single? No, he's not. No. All right. Okay.

Oh, whoa. What's your name? Mariah. Mariah has fuck off written inside her lip. Bottom lip. I love how you have like. That, whoa. What's your name? Mariah. Mariah has fuck off written inside her lip. Bottom lip. I love how you have like. That's amazing. I like that.

You have very church energy and then it's like. Yeah, you have like soaking energy. And it's like, fuck you, bitch. Fuck you. I hate my priest. I was 18. It was a super trend. It was supposed to disappear over time and it was between this or cum dumpster.

Oh, wait. Wow. Your lips were too small for cum dumpster. I love it. When do you break that out? Like, when do you surprise people with that? Has there ever been a good time where you're like, oh, my gosh, this is the perfect opportunity for me to pull down my lip?

Right now. Right now. This is the best time ever. Because you were the one that, like, you were over there, and I was kind of making eye contact with you through the whole thing because you've just been, like, very encouraging, like, stage mom. Like, smile, Nikki. Sit up straight.

You've got this. This isn't as bad as it feels. And then when I asked about the bad tattoos, I just saw you just kind of go, it is my time. I have been called. Like, it was just, I'm so glad you got this time to shine. Oh, good. Thank you so much, Mariah. Fuck off.

Just kidding. Just kidding. It's a joke. It's a lip thing. I don't even know how much time we have left in the show, but we have a long line, and I want to get to all these people. Okay. My name's Allie. I'm from Ohio. Oh, hell yeah. Woo!

Okay, Allie, what's your bad tattoo? So, my bad tattoo is literally the word Ohio. Oh, hell yeah. Okay, Allie, what's your bad tattoo? So my bad tattoo is literally the word Ohio. It's the word Ohio. And my parents, I thought they were going to be really excited about it. And I was like, guys, it's my birthday. I got this tattoo. I love going to school here. And they were like, sweetie, that's fucking stupid.

Should I get? My mom was like, I'm going to get Illinois. my mom was like, I'm going to get Illinois. My dad was like, I'm going to get Indiana. I'm going to get Michigan. They're like making fun of the surrounding states. I like it. I don't hate it. And I kind of like, Ohio's always like, oh, hi, oh.

Like you can just think of it as like whenever someone sees that, you can, I don't know what you can do with that. But so you're still from Ohio. Do you feel, you can, I don't know what you can do with that, but, so you're still from Ohio, do you feel like you can't leave now because of that tattoo? Actually, so I've lived in Texas and Colorado since then, so it makes it even worse, because people are like,

why the fuck do you have that on you? And I also got it on the day of my birthday party, and I was wearing a dress and a thong, and I didn't realize where it was, and everyone's like, I wanna see your tattoo. So I showed everyone at my party my ass, including my brother and all of his friends. Very Ohio of you.

Okay, thank you so much. You can go wherever you want, hon. Just don't hurt yourself. Or maybe just fall directly on that tattoo and have to have it like. I don't know how much time we have left. Yeah, I don't know how many we can do. But I want to keep going. Let's get as many as we can.

We have five minutes? Okay, great. Because this is the guy I want to get to. Hi. He was just. Okay, but I can't wait how many we can do. But I want to keep going. Let's get as many as we can. We have five minutes? Okay, great. Because this is the guy I want to get to. Okay, but I can't wait. Can we talk about this girl? She has the Friends, like the door thing. Oh, the Friends door hanger. Oh my God, that's good.

I like that. Oh my gosh, she's got a lot of great ones. Okay, what is your worst one? Marilyn Monroe's signature. Oh God. Oh man. What an icon. When. What is your worst one Marilyn Monroe signature? Oh God What an icon when did you do that? Well, how old were you I was 20 And do you just like relate to her that you're both gonna die of like overdose on pills Yeah, just like it's vicious over drunken overdose. And then also I have

Oh you're bleeding But also a matching tattoo for my 18-year-old boyfriend It's a Chinese symbol What is that for? Japanese symbol for love Japanese symbol for love Oh And are you still with him? No

Yeah Does he still have it, you think? He still has it Yeah, he still has it Okay, well And that's not so bad. What does it say on your arm there? What's the other one?

Love her, but leave her wild. This one I like. Love her, but leave her wild. What is that from? Oh, I guess it's just like from my friend's handwriting. Yeah, she wrote it. Oh, that's good handwriting. She should have written Marilyn Monroe's signature too.

Thank you so much. Those are terrible. Alright. I'm kidding, girl. Alright. What's your name? I'm Jesse. Hi, Jesse. You're our first dude. What is I guess guys don't admit they have bad tattoos as much as women. We've got a couple guys in the line. You have so many

tattoos. You're nearly mostly tattoos. Which one is your one you regret the most? All of them. Really? All of them? Are you pulling a Pete Davidson and want to get them removed? No, I'm not as bad as him. Okay, yeah, yeah. He's only fucking Kim Kardashian now. It's, uh,

what a terrible life. Okay, so tell me, are you going to get... What's your worst one? Yeah, what's your worst one? Well, let's, where do I start? Uh, let's see. This is a low shelf vodka symbol covering up a burning church. Covering up a burning church? You had a burning church? Who hurt you?

Who hurt you? I was drinking the low shelf vodka. Oh, my God. Yeah, right on the nose. You have a vodka label on your arm. They didn't pay you anything. There was no endorsement deal. Okay.

What's on your neck? That's a phoenix feather in a bottle. Why? That's a phoenix feather in a bottle. Why do you have a phoenix feather in a bottle? And there's water in the bottle. What's the symbolism of that? It's a magic potion. Brings you back to life. I think it says I'll never have enough money to buy a house.

I think that's what that is. Just kidding. Just kidding. He's rich. Maybe not. You have Pac-Man on your foot. That one's the coolest, I would say. I got it as payment for driving a busboy home from the Olive Garden.

Okay, you've got to get off the stage now. Why would you just go, it's on me, dude. I don't need anything. Maybe take an Andy's mint or something that he had in his glove compartment. Okay, thank you so much. Those were terrible. Good luck to you. I mean, did you hear that sentence?

What? I got a Pac-Man tattoo because I drove a busboy home from Olive Garden. Yes. I mean, I would have took the breadsticks, I think. I think I would have went with the breadsticks. All right, what do we got next? All right, what's next? So I got.

Arr. Cheetah. Arr. Stop. I'm a cheetah girl. All right, I got a lotus flower, but it kind of looks like a ball sack. Boy, that looks exactly like a ball sack. I'm going to take a picture of it so we can insert it in our video.

What is that? Oh, it's like a little squirrum. Everyone that showed us our tattoos, we need to get a photo of it. Okay, that's a ball sack for sure. And it says 26.2. Did you run a marathon? I did! Okay. One time.

Did you just put that on there to make up for the fact that it looked like a ball sack and just changed the... I did my first tattoo and I was 18 and I was like, well, this was significant in my life. I love that. Was 26.2 just the age at which you knew you were going to regret doing that? That's just a prediction. It came way before then. The rest of your tattoos are pretty good, they really upgraded from there yeah when you i just want to know though

you guys this looks so much like a ball sack it's insane when you were getting it done was it was it a lot like getting a haircut at like great clips or super cuts where you go i love it like did you have to lie to the tattoo artist did you know away? When did you know it was a ball sack? Two years later, somebody pointed it out, and now you just can't unsee it. And I'm just like, it's fun now. So no one was honest with you enough about it at first because everyone thought it. Everyone did. People want to see your balls. People want to see the ball sack, honey.

Everyone wants to see it. It's hard to see. We'll post a picture of it. They're tiny little balls. They're fun. Thank you, girl. Who's up next? They're fun.

Are you the one with the friends door thing? I definitely have no friends. I definitely have no friends. I love it. Okay, what do you have? So we cannot see it, but I have shooting stars on my boobs. I was 16 on acid and I thought it was a great idea to get tattooed wait how did you get tattoos at 16 did you

have you didn't have parents that were very involved in your life either but my 12 year old tattoo which is a lizard my dad was there to tell me just like this let me see the lizard Andrew's scared of lizards, and this might make it worse. Oh, yeah. It looks like the number eight. Yeah. Okay. What was I going to ask you? Oh, you also have had, I can see you've

had your ears gauged before, and you've taken them out, so they look like a little bit baggy. So, I've always wondered why people do that, not knowing, like, there's going to be a time when you take it out and it's going to be this like kind of gaping hole. How do you feel about those? You're trying to figure out what your personality is.

Yes, you didn't have an identity. You have a gaping hole too, Nick. And now your identity is what? I still don't know. Still don't know. Well, it's – you guys, she's looking for an identity. If anyone wants to give her one. Just kidding.

I like dogs. She likes dogs. That makes her unique. Who doesn't? Who hates? Everyone hates dogs. That's truly different. Okay, cool, girl.

Thank you so much. I like that you have perspective on your tattoos. That's actually an identity and a fantastic ass as you walk away. I mean, that is award winning. Jesus Christ. Hello. Very muscular. I'm Dino from Seattle I mean, that is award winning. Jesus Christ. Hello. Very muscular. I'm Dino from Seattle.

Hi, Dino from Seattle. I've never seen a Dino look more like a Dino. Whatever. Look at this guy. He is a Dino, boy. You can't see this, but boy, it's a Dino. Okay. Dino.

Yeah. He's giving two thumbs up. This guy's grandpa owned a pizza shop, guaranteed. Okay. Oh, Dino has a cross around his neck. I'm Dino. All right, Dino. Oh, yeah.

Where's your tattoo, and what is it? It's on my right butt cheek. It's from my first job at a taco shop called Taco Time in Seattle. Show that ass. Show it. Show it. Oh, my God. You guys, it is a faded cactus. Green cactus with sunglasses on.

Yeah. I found a hair in that taco, boy. Do you warn women about that before they get intimate with you? Much like you would be disclosing herpes or something? Do you go, wait a second, before we get to know each other intimately, I need to tell you something. Before I go down, you have to know that I have a cactus tattoo on my ass. Yes. Do you regret it?

No, not at all. It's kind of funny, and it's buried beneath so much hair, it's barely perceptible. I still eat there. I still love it. I thought you were talking about your ass. I was like, I wouldn't eat there. Well, thank you so much, Dino from Seattle. Appreciate it.

Yes. What an ass. What an ass. Oh, my God. This is so fun. We should do a whole podcast about this. I mean, I guess an ass. Oh, my God. This is, like, so fun. We should do a whole podcast about this. I mean, I guess that's what this is turning into. Hi.

Hello. I'm Rachel from Ohio. Rachel from Ohio. Do you have Ohio tattooed on you? I don't, but the tattoo itself isn't bad, but the content behind it is. Oh, this is deep. Yeah, it is. The guy I thought was my dad i had

tattoo on my back because he passed away turns out he's not my dad oh my god oh my god you are not the father everyone stand up you are not the father Dude, you guys, she has in loving memory, and then Kenneth L., full of shit, 1952 to 1992, your back looks like the back of a car that is of a certain ethnicity that drives around with people's, you know, dates. Wait, when did you find out he wasn't your date? Yeah, how did you find out? So probably about three years ago, my husband's aunt actually did the genealogy test. Yes, thank you. Turns out he's not my dad.

Who is your dad? Yeah. Well, a guy I never knew. I just met him, so. Oh, my God. I feel like that's an identity if someone wants that one. So what do you do about it now are you gonna get it removed or it's just a good story i guess i think that's actually better

than just my dad died it is just a good story and were you so excited like when because it's sad when your dad dies but then when you find out he wasn't your dad are you just like well all right well i guess i'm not that sad anymore basically yeah was he a good guy guy? I guess so. Well, you put his name on your back. Why did you do that if you didn't know him? Well, so he passed away before I was born. My mom was pregnant with me before I was born. Oh, you cute thing. Oh, my God.

I love it. I also love that you, everyone here has braces. I'm not joking you. Either Invisalign or braces. This is, how are adult braces going for you? And you have the real ones. You have clear wire braces. Her dead dad had braces too.

I do have clear braces. It was pretty amazing. And I'm six months away from getting them off, so. Yes, girl. Oh, my God. I love that you did it. It's not her real dad. Good job.

You're so cute. We can make fun of him. It's not the real dad. I hope you find your real dad. Oh, wait, you already found him. Yes. I hope he doesn't, he never dies, Even though, you know, we're all mortal. Okay. Thank you.

That's amazing. We are going to do two more and then we're going to wrap this up. Two more, sorry. I implore you, if tonight, if you want to come to my show at 8 o'clock, please come to that. Also, I'll be doing, if you, I know you're going to be all drunk and very tired at the end of the day, but

at 10 o'clock, at 10 o o'clock there is a goddamn comedy jam on the beach and on the stage there if it's not raining. And that is such a fun show. You can just dance and you're going to watch us sing, and I'm going to be singing a Taylor Swift song, so I hope you can come to that, which is definitely the tattoo I would get. Hey, girl, what tattoo do you hate about that you have uh i don't think anyone can beat that's not my dad tattoo honestly that has to be the worst tattoo in history but i had someone try out a color on me

at one point and so they just did whatever they wanted and they did this but i also could say that i also have a butt or fly You have a butterfly on your ass. I love it. That's cute. Hell yeah. And that's fun. But why would you let someone try out a color on you? Why not?

I think you also had an absent father, if I'm just kidding. You may not actually. No, he's very much around, but his name is Yulman. Oh, Yulman? That's, oh, yeah. I'd rather have a cactus with sunglasses than that name on me. Okay. Well, thank you so much.

Yeah, that's actually terrible. Bye, girl. You have a little suntan lotion on your ass crack. But it's all good. You got a fucking great butt. Hello, what's up? Why do you have a nose mask? Oh, my God.

What's your name, sir? JC. JC from Canada. JC from Canada. Oh, my God? JC. JC from Canada. JC from Canada. Oh, my God. Everyone loves JC from Canada. First of all, how long have you been in Canada? You are so red.

How long have you been here? No, dude, this is a Canadian tan, bud. Oh, my bad, bud. My bad. This is a Canadian tan. My bad. I apologize. I didn't realize.

I didn't know. All right. Okay, what's your terrible tattoo? Okay, so Nikki, that's my daughter there. We once had a dog that we loved this dog so much, and the dog passed away a few years ago. And I never wanted to forget the dog, so I wanted to get a tattoo to help me remember the dog for the rest of my life. Yeah, because your memory is definitely not going to stick around that long.

So I go to the place. I don't know what I want. So I get a dog bone because, you know, dogs are dog bones. And I get a dog bone tattooed on my leg. So a few weeks later, I'm in the hockey dressing room, and the guy says to me, JC, why do you have a cock and balls tattooed on your leg? You guys, it is a dog bone, but if you cover one of the ends, it looks like a penis.

Oh my God. And your dog used to lick yours, so that does remind you of him anyway. I missed that part. Was there a ball licking there? Don't worry about it. It's just true. Thank you so much. Thank you. You put a little maple syrup on there. The dog loves it.

I'll chew down on that bone, boy. We can't get to you guys. Thank you so You put a little maple syrup on there. The dog loves it. I'll chew down on that bone, boy. We can't get to you guys. Thank you so much, though. Sorry. Thank you. Sorry. Sorry. I want to see your terrible tattoos later on.

Thank you so much to everyone who was here. Thank you. Final thought. This was incredible. It was as bad and good as I thought it would be. You guys are chaotic. Thank you so much for joining us. Have so much fun on this vacation. You deserve it would be. You guys are chaotic. Thank you so much for joining us.

Have so much fun on this vacation. You deserve it. And don't be cuh. And jack off on her tits. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Love you. I got spray tanned all over the cell. And chair.

I apologize to the resort for the spray tan I'm leaving behind. John Stewart is back at the daily show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with the daily show ears edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else.

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