The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #142 The Littlest Nick

Episode Date: December 1, 2021

Between you and Nikki, she's got hair care, broken intimacy of a good massage and Plan B top of mind. Andrew is apartment hunting and using a compass called "Dick". Nikki talks about her new nephew and an old bit about wanting to be a baby. They challenge each other to a breathing exercise and learn that Andrew can inhale better and Nikki exhales longer. You Heard It Here First, you don't want the Feds to see your sexts and the lengths some people go through to get an ex to view their IG stories. In Nikki's Reddit Dump they talk about Chapelle reactions, book recommendations, an ultimate roast joke and in the Final Thought, more cringe things some women do to get their ex's attention. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Following that curiosity is a superpower. You have to be obsessed with the human condition. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Here I am. Hello. Whoa, hit the mic.

Wow. Off to a great start. Hi, guys. How are you? It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. I'm going on, what day did get my hair Blown out for my Saturday It's Tuesday morning

Still haven't washed my hair Noah Is that About a Still How long has it been for yours? Yours is like shiny And thick

Because I just washed it After I think maybe Eight days I'm not washing it Eight days A week Wait I can't believe Wait Eight days I've been So it. Eight days. A week. Wait, I can't believe.

Wait, eight days. I've been, so mine's three days. I have put no product in it. I did go running yesterday and maybe it got a little tangled during that. It's just when I sleep, it gets so tangled. And I do put it up in like a bun and I do one, one fold of the bun so that it just doesn't get too many creases in it with a very like gentle silk scrunchie still gets tangled and dready um how do you preserve your hair for

eight days well i think on like day number four i just wrap it up in a bun for as as long as i can until i'm just like sick until my hair gets my hair gets itchy, and then I wash it. Until it gets itchy. And then why do you wait eight days? Just because it's like let's just go as long as we can, however long this bun look will look cute? Yeah, I think like at the point where it's just so much work. My top just starts to like separate,

and it's just so much work to wash my hair, and I have to dry it and stuff. It's just like a two-hour process. Oh, my God. I can't deal. You know, it's because I just don't want to pull out all the strands that come out when I wash it. I'm just putting that off.

But every day you put it off, there's more that are accumulating to fall out. So it's kind of you're fucked either way. Yeah, I've been loading up on dry shampoo. Men don't know anything about any of this. I mean, some men do. But we were talking about dry shampoo over the weekend and how many men like have thinning hair. And it's like dry shampoo will like thicken up your hair. They should try it.

And your hair gets greasy, men. And dry shampoo, it's not like cleaning your, it's not really cleaning your hair. It's just like powder that absorbs the grease and grime so look into it man you just spray it in your hair it's not gonna make it a color it's not gonna make it smell like anything um i think it would be a good tool for men do you use dry shampoo i do use dry shampoo yeah it's a new ish newer ish thing i think the first time i got dry shampoo was 2012 but it's like it wasn't it's not a thing that's been around forever i know they used to use like powder for wigs and stuff it's all for the grease right to soak up the grease something like that

yeah i'm i'm just like i gotta wash my hair i was gonna do it this morning and then i was like i don't have time for it to dry and i don't i don't want to blow dry it I was gonna do it this morning and then I was like, I don't have time for it to dry and I don't wanna blow dry it. I was gonna let it air dry, but it was gonna, when it air dries, it just looks shitty, you know? And I want it,

and then I'll have that shitty hair for about three days until I feel like washing it. And so it's just like, you're locked into whatever it dries as. And I didn't have the stamina to dry. I got a new hair dryer though that's supposed to be like a you know I read all these reviews and it's supposed to

actually like leave your hair shiny and straight I don't know what kind I got I should tell you guys these things before I bring them up but um yeah I've just been buying too many things I've gotten off my Poshmark obsession I haven't gotten any new clothes recently. I got a Taylor Swift sweatshirt that was on Etsy that someone made. And that's arriving at some point. But other than that, I've kind of had like a, I want like a shopping freeze. And I say that, but I did get these necklaces that I found through this Instagram account

that shows you what Taylor Swift is wearing. Like every time she has a TikTok or anything, they dissect her whole outfit. And then they link you to like where you can buy the things that she wears. And this website, I don't know what it is. I should tell you what it's called, but if you want to go and look,

it's like Taylor Swift wears, I don't even know what it's called. And I bought the same necklace. And it's a layered necklace, which is the bane of my existence. Because they just get so tangled. And I got a massage the other night. And I was trying to get out of there very quickly. Because I hate when the masseuse leaves the room for you to get changed.

And they're just waiting outside the door for you to get changed oh my god I and I'm a fast moving person and I still am like oh this is torture that they're just waiting out there with a little cup of water um and I had one of my necklaces that I was trying to get back on really quickly I couldn't find the clasp and I was just like fuck it and I threw it in my bag even though it's my new Taylor Swift necklace and I like, fuck it, and I threw it in my bag, even though it's my new Taylor Swift necklace, and I don't want it to get tangled, threw it in my bag, and then I went to go find it a couple days later, because I didn't wear it for my special, obviously, and then I was like, oh, wait, I threw it in my bag, and I went to go find it, I couldn't find it, and I just started getting so sad, because I'm like, god, this is why you

can't have nice things, which is a Taylor Swift lyric. Um, this is why this is like, you spent money on this thing. You already lost it. Like the mental anguish I went through thinking I lost this thing. And I went through all my bags a million times, exactly the pocket I thought I put it in. It wasn't there. And then I'm at the airport and I like look in the pocket one more time and then it's there and it was like what the fuck happened it was but the the the mental strife I went through thinking I lost it I wasn't at peace with it I lost a necklace in my butt uh one of my best friends Robin got me in the Cayman Islands that was a shape of Grand Cayman and it looked like a kind of it looked like a mermaid that had been run over by a um one of those big wheels that flattens things in bulldozer austin powers no like it's like you know and where they're like oh no and it's like the slow moving like

it's just a flattener they roll over cement to flatten flatten it. Anyway, it looks like that. It looks like a mermaid was crushed by one of those. And everyone's always like, what is that on your necklace? It looks like Florida if someone from Florida drew Florida. It looks so bad. And it's Grand Cayman. Anyway, it was probably very expensive. My friend Robin got it for me. She has great taste. And I loved it so much. And I took it off at Whitney's house the other day to get a spray tan and I lost it. And I was at peace with that one because I've had it since March. That's a good run for wearing a necklace pretty much every day. March to November. I'm happy with that. I was Whitney couldn't find it. Her assistants couldn't find

it. It was we got spray tans outside. So it was like probably lost in the grass somewhere. But I was like, that was a good run for that necklace. A Taylor Swift necklace I had had for a week. And I was like, that is not a good enough run. I can make peace with losing things if I've had a good run with them. I should have employed the same technique I use for everything else. Like I wasn't meant to have that necklace. Like you weren't meant to have it.

This was always going to happen. But I was so mad. But luckily I found it. And that massage I got, god damn it. So I used to go, I found this guy when I was in Denver, probably 2012 or something. And he was out of like an office place and had his own little private room, almost like a therapist's office that you go into and he was really good and I remember going into him one time and I had such a bad like spot on my butt all I wanted was my butt like kneaded out because it just hurt so bad in these certain areas and I wanted him to be tortured and I remember going into him and it was also a time when my ex-boyfriend and I were like breaking up and it was kind of an uncertain time he had he had you know become

upset with me for very good reason while I was out of town and I didn't really know the status of what he was it seemed like he was gonna break up with me but I like didn't know so I was in this waiting period he wasn't talking to me. Like we weren't really communicating. It was awful. And I went to go get this massage and he was like, well, what's going on here? And I was like, I just, it's so painful right there. And he was like, honestly, every pain that's like this acute, it's literally someone in your life who's a pain in your ass.

Like you're, that's what that comes from. Like he's a pain in the ass, like the mental mental anguish this was before I got into that back book and I just remember being like oh this is that like it wasn't like he was like oh he was a pain in my ass but it was like the pain of going through that breakup all decided to go to my butt and so I went to this guy again now this is eight years nine years years later. That was 2013 actually. So eight years later, I go back to him. I messaged him because I still have him in my phone, like massage Denver.

And I was like, are you still practicing? And he's like, yeah, I kind of, my license lapsed, but I still got the place. And I was like, please God, yes. So I went there the other night. He was fantastic, but it God, yes. So I went there the other night. He was fantastic. But it was a two-hour massage. It was so good.

But it's just there's something about the sensuality and the connection of a massage that leaves me feeling icky afterwards. Not because of him or anyone that gives a massage i can't get i have a hangover from massages because it's like i it's so intimate to let someone touch your naked body with like oils and this like music playing that his music honestly was a little sexual but i you know i just said put on whatever you want because he was like do you have a preference and it was like there were times when it was literally bound chicka wow wow like it was i heard whatever music musical instrument goes like it was sexual music but he was not a you know it wasn't that vibe at all but

it was just for two hours to have that kind of slow. And like he was very into breathing. So to keep my breathing on track, he would go like. Oh, that sounds like that sex from the No Orgasm book. Oh, really? Is that what I haven't gotten that far yet? Carezza. Carezza. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Where you lay on top of your partner next to them and you have like the same breathing patterns. Yes. It's very connective and it got me and like it was really a good experience and i felt like i was letting go and releasing tension all this but i got done and i just i just scurried out of there like it was a guy wanting me to leave like i know that guys change after they come they just aren't as into you and i always try to get away as quickly as possible because I just I don't want I hate being in the way I hate when

people don't want me around and I'm forcing myself on them so as soon as I feel like I'm unwanted or like I've you know the session is over I'm trying to get out as quickly as possible. And I definitely felt that way. And then I just felt like I just have a hangover afterwards. I just don't feel good or right. And I got to remember this like massages unless if I take off all my clothes are not good for me. They just they make me feel abandoned in this weird way. And it doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman. It does. It just it feels bad afterwards. I think I've just been abandoned after sex so many times emotionally that it reminds me of that and maybe triggers that that's why i like foot massages you keep your clothes on it's not as intimate um i got in the uber though at this you know in this suburb in denver and i pop in the back seat and he goes you're Nikki and I was like yeah he's like oh Nikki Glaser and I was like yeah and he goes what wait what I'm just I was kidding you wait

you you're Nikki Glaser and I go yeah and I have the mask on he goes what I go yeah I really am I don't know what else to tell I know this is weird but yes I am and he was like wait a second hold on and then he he's already pulled away and he goes no I'm backing up we're going back in because he needed to like pull over and I go no no no we can we can you can check when we you drop me off he tries to like back up to go back into the parking lot he's about to pull out into the street and he's like wait a second we gotta go back and like, this is, by the way, 9.30 at night. I'm like, come on, or 10 o'clock.

Like, we're in this like kind of desolate location. What was he trying to check? That I was really Nikki Glaser and that he could see me fully. And the thing is, he said there wasn't even a picture with my Uber name for whatever reason. I go, did you see my picture? And no.

And he was like, no, I just said Nikki Glaser as like a joke to myself. Because clearly you wouldn't be Nikki Glaser. But I just thought like that's the only time I'd ever heard the name Nikki. And so when you got in, I was just like saying a joke to myself. Like I don't even know why I said it. Because I didn't even think that the passenger would hear me. Like, you know, it'd like um uh I don't know I'm trying to think of an example um like uh some guy gets in your cat thing and his name is or like a guy is a waiter and you're like his name's Sonny and

you're like oh Sonny Bono and he's like I am Sonny Bono I mean that wouldn't happen but like you know where you just say something because it's that person's name like it just occurs to you maybe he had just seen my name somewhere but he was just like nikki glaser he said it to himself and i go yeah i am he's like wait what like it was it took so long to convince him i was myself because first of all i looked a massage. My face was all puffy. And I was just like, oh, like still recovering from the intimacy. And he talked to me the whole way about it. And then about how incredible it was. And it was incredible. I was like, that is insane that you just said my name just to yourself.

And it was me. And he's like like I just can't believe this it was very very nice um I'm trying to think of other things that happened last weekend in Denver um yeah it was just a the massage thing but I need one so bad today you know what I went for a run yesterday my first run in like two months and I ran four miles like my usual. And by the way, I was clocking like eight minute miles last time I was running. This one was my average speed was like 945. And I was trying, trying.

And it was nice outside. It wasn't cold. There's no excuse. Anyway, I am beaten up today from it. I am hobbling around. Like you just saw me. I am moving at the speed of a normal person today that's for sure but i'm moving like a grandma i really do feel like this is the speed i will move at when i'm 80 years old just i'm very slow today my tits feel like fucking kettlebells i am i'm so i'm about to start my period it must be that it must be I said I was texting someone about it and I didn't want to write period so I just said I'm starting my and then I just wrote

space period um but like I am so like heavy and I had so many nightmares waking up this morning something's going on do you get that what do you i'm trying to track my symptoms on my old period app but i can't keep them straight because i just keep having to take the morning after pill and it throws everything off it's so stupid um i'm not doing it anymore i've taken it twice in like three weeks and um believe me i tried not to i I'm like, listen, I'm 37. I've never been pregnant. My period tracker app says I'm not highly fertile today. Let's just, I went in and I scooped it out with my douche. Like, I did the thing you do when you suck up snot out of baby's noses.

That little thing. i did that to my vagina after the incident and still he was like i just think it's better to have like whatever this does to your body right now he was very apologetic he was like because we both agreed to let it happen and just i thought i could about i thought i could take talk him out of me taking the morning after pill to be honest with you when it happened I was just like yeah I'll take it and then I was like I'll just not I'll just tell him I'm not going to and convince him I don't have to but then we talked and I'm like you're right I should take it but it is someone told me there's a high dose of estrogen in it and that's what used to give me migraines so thank you to the bestie who said

something about that um and i'm going to be i'm going to be more cautious now and just you know use the pull-up method have you ever taken the plan b i have and um the one time i had to take it i was not on birth control yet we were using a condom and the condom came out like it came off during sex and it was like lodged inside of my vagina and he came and we didn't know that until we were done having sex it was the scariest thing because one is is this condom ever going to come out of me and holy shit i'm only like 21 i don't i don't want a baby like i'm so fertile right now yeah then having to get plan b was a whole thing because I don't know how easy you have to get a prescription yeah and or at least go talk to the pharmacist and I think now it's over you know it's

behind the counter but like you just have to be like can I have it's like buying cigarettes oh yeah I had to find like a doctor on the internet back in the day when like internet was brand new or something it's like texas except i'm sure in texas they don't even let you get like i wonder if you can even buy plan b in texas well i was able to get it and then it made me so sick like we were talking before the show started it just puts your body in like self-destruct mode. Yes. It's just awful. Yes. There's like an alarm going off,

like, eh, eh, every, everyone out, like everything in my body is like, ah, what do we do?

Um, and it forces you to have your period and like right away. But seriously, my boobs are so heavy. it's like, I really shout out to all my heavy titted ladies out there. Like if you got those heavy kettlebell tits

that is a lot to lug around they're heavier than they've ever it's like I'm fucking breastfeeding today and I just shout out to those women with your huge huge utters but mine hurt

I don't think they always hurt when women have those kinds of boobs. But sorry I'm like gripping my boobs. Please go watch this on the YouTube. But yeah, it's like I'm wearing like a breastfeeding bra today. One that has like a trap door. That's what this bra

feels just like so medical. Almost like it's like a something I bought at, you know, in that one aisle at Walgreens that has all the like ace bandages and stuff. It just feels like, oh, I keep saying that. And I know Kirsten is listening to this podcast and laughing every time I go, oh. OK, guys, enough TikTok. Let's get Andrew in here. Andrew! Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show

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What up? Good morning, St. Louis and the surrounding areas. Speaking of St. Louis and surrounding areas, did you find an apartment? Girl, I am trying. Girl. Is it hard out there? It's hard out there for a girl, girl.

Yeah. Girl. Girl. Girl. Why can't we talk more animated like that? Because it feels racially ambiguous in terms of who you may be imitating or perhaps

mocking. Never mocking, girl. I know, girl. That's like a whole another. That's like the opposite end of the spectrum. So we looked at another playhead, girl. Looking at apartments is hell. Dude, this That's like the opposite end of the spectrum. So we looked at another playhead girl. Uh-huh. No, so.

Looking at apartments is hell. Dude, this move. You just sent me a photo. I go, okay. Because I lived in Squalor in New York City. So you sent me this. I was like, I don't even have to see it. I'm moving.

Yeah. Yes. I wrote back right away. Yeah. So then, you know, now I like have a little bit discerning discerning taste yeah just dick turning um so i you wait for your dick to turn and go i need to get the fuck out of here i use my dick as like a compass yeah one of those like that finds water i don't know what those are that those people hold that they uh yeah yeah what is it called damn it keep going magellan yeah so i end up going to like you know lafayette square do people know that place yes it's very pretty yeah

uh it feels like a civil war has gone through there and no one else ever moved back in but like feels good like historic uh-huh and they have these lofts that are like there was a loft for 1900 bucks i'm not kidding you it's like 1800 square feet like it is two stories like you feel like a king like i wouldn't be able to fill all the furniture yeah but these lofts are hilarious because they're like we walked into one place they're like this is a two bedroom and i'm like we're looking around we're like that's a there's not another bed like no no no it's there there's room for it they don't put the walls there's no wall you have to like imagine because it's so like 18 bedrooms you know if you're what are you talking about

i know they're like you gotta close your eyes they go used to be an office i go it seems like it's still an office because it's like it it's so barren like they don't put in floors it's all concrete they're like we don't do doors here because we don't want to pay for them like it's just so yes they act like it's like a taste thing but it's really cost yeah they're like they leave the wire oh we can leave the wires open it's really an industrial industrial look that there's concrete everywhere. That's, you know. Yeah, these walls have not been finished, but that's like a new. It's like really shabby chic.

So is. And then they're like, oh, these wires, you get electrocuted every day. And that's why you pay an extra three grand a month. Yeah. And so anyways, but the place was cool actually like all that being said like it has like these old buildings that are converted like have this beautiful brick and like oh they're just nice they're like big and you get a pretty good a lot for your buck if you get outside like this area you put up your own

walls if you put up your own wall if you put a sheet up yeah uh so anyways we're looking at four other places today it's it's stressful it's like because like i don't know i area is more important to me than size uh you yeah you mean uh yeah the part of town yeah yes and uh but anyways it's a fun process huh is it like in new york where if you don't make a quick decision right away it's gone do you feel that pressure it's not like that in st louis like i it's not but it's kind of dude it's weird it's like competitive they don't there's not a lot of availability i don't think a lot of i don't know i think a lot of people have moved back maybe from new york or cities similar to new york because there's not like there's like

oh we have two if you rent today we get 500 off but if you don't rent today it's going to be an extra eight grand and more and less walls and what you know but are you doing six months or a year um i think a year and then if i have to get out i have to get out i think because then you i don't know it ends up being almost similar money if you end early or if you do it six months they add anyways but yeah it's um it's cool i don't know it's like a fun little process it's it's yeah seeing four today that's a lot of places i know i like real estate yeah i like seeing it's fun like to and to look for a place not alone with someone else that's more fun yeah especially when like you walk into a place and you know it's not right yeah you look at it it's very funny you look at each other oh yeah oh just be honest don't waste

your time oh no we're in and out we don't we don't fuck around i mean the the person you always think like the building managers who's showing you these places like almost built the room or designed it like they don't care i mean yeah sure they want to sell it to you but it's like i always was like trying to be nice to these real estate agents that were showing me these shitty apartments it's like why they didn't they're lying to me about all the the features and how great this building is. They don't live here. I mean, some of these apartments, the floors are like, they're just, you can't walk on them without feeling like you're going to fall every three seconds. Oh, really?

They're just so imbalanced because they're old buildings. You know, I don't know. But I like this area. It's a little pricey. We're going to look at a place down the street. Yes. But they only have one availability. Right.

There's places by your sister and Matt. I just ended up becoming best friends with your sister and Matt. I mean, that would be so fun. I mean, I love them. I was over there last night. It was freaking blast. I mean, it was insane. What was insane about it?

Just screaming kids yeah just kids running around and then the new baby so it's like the screaming has to like not be happening because there's a baby but the baby is used to being in my my sister's belly and surrounded by chaos like because it's it grew up and was incubated with only a layer of skin and muscle protecting it from the sounds it's used to the screaming kids yeah so it's it the forest just like it's just chill and doesn't really like make any movement when there's like shrieking happening right next to its little head it's so wild it was just inside her stomach i know it's so crazy floating in a belly like inside i know it's fucking wild just the

other night yeah like when we were eating thanksgiving dinner and now it's like out and like in cribs and like can hear it can like look at a tv and like is uh you know is responsible for like it would be better off just putting it in a big bowl of Jell-O inside the fridge, and he'd be like, finally, I can relax again. I mean, I'm so jealous of babies. That's all I can think of when I see babies. It's like they don't know anything. They're not expected to know anything. They have no responsibilities.

They just have to suck. They don't do anything, and they're just precious, and everyone loves them. It's like, God, I want to be a baby. I mean mean that used to be my joke of like holding a baby and being like oh my god i think i i think i know like i want to be a baby like i don't want to be when i hold a baby i don't want to be a mom i want to be a baby i can't wait to be a baby again or be well you do end up being a baby you go to a nursing home and you're a baby no one gives a fuck about you old people are treated so much worse than babies but you become a baby again like that's our um forest looked like my dad like just like a you know wrinkly head like you turn into an old you you're an old man when you're born and that's why babies are not sexual and neither are

old people like because you're dependent on sexual human beings to take care of you and wipe you and like be around you and bathe you that's why when you get older you become no there's nothing about you that's sexual anymore and when you're a baby there's because you are vulnerable to people who do have sexual desires. And so you don't want to... That's why I always say, I don't want to be fuckable when I'm 90 because I need people that get boners still to wipe me and I don't want them getting a boner in time. You know what I'm saying?

You don't want to be sexualized while your ass is getting wiped. Yeah, you don't. You must... If you plan on getting older... If you have to wipe my ass, though, with my asshole, just kill me. Even if I'm 48. Someone will someday. Someone will have to wipe my ass?

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if I, I wish you could convorkey in it, you know? There's some times where it's like, you know, someone has dementia and they have to get their ass wiped. And if they were cognitive enough to know what other people had to do for them, they'd like just throw a shot you're not huh that's why you're not cognitive enough or whatever you're just that's true too it saves you it's weird your brain is like no you can't handle

what your body is it's fucking wild it's so uh sad but yeah when people are like i want to stay hot forever no you don't because then you're going to be sexually assaulted by people who are turned on by one of the groundskeepers yeah and that's i mean that's there are people that are very you know my grandma got like 150 grand stolen like people steal from old people even become vulnerable bro like they stole like two hundred thousand dollars one guy was driving my mom's car oh yeah i remember that around in florida and then i think he tried the old ferris bueller technique of coming back in reverse it doesn't work my mom was like i don't she doesn't drive so she goes from five miles to like 300 miles she kind of has an idea like was that me i don't think i went to fucking connecticut you know who looks at the miles

though i don't i mean i just think when you don't drive all, you can kind of see that someone else is driving your car. Oh, yeah, you can just sense it. Yeah, this guy was just rolling around in a cool Corolla. I think she had like a, I don't know. The oxygen tank was in the trunk? Yeah. She's like, I usually keep it in the front seat. Does she drive anymore?

No, she doesn't even have a car anymore. Oh, okay. But yeah, speaking of kids, though, I forgot to tell you this. I was getting on a plane two days ago when we were flying back from Denver. There was, I'm not kidding you, 200 kids on my flight, all in red matching T-shirts. 200 teenagers. This is like the House of Horrors. I was freaking out.

Why? I don't know. Just their sounds. They're 12 years old. Get that white noise. What are you guys doing? It was. It was the teen tour that I was listening to.

So they were going, kids, when you listen to their conversations, there's nothing said. They're just like, I went to, oh, my God, I got this backpack yesterday. Dude, it was pretty cool. It was like, I don't know. It's a little loose on me. Oh, you got that loose backpack? Oh i like that loose backpack yeah i was gonna get that backpack but my mom said i couldn't get that backpack anyway so like yeah it's cool though i got these new jeans jeans are cool i like jeans and it's like that's it's just it's just going

on all around me and i'm like and i'm freaking out i'm standing in line i'm texting brenda pictures of it because i'm just like dude i can't get't get on this flight. I'm going to lose my mind. And I'm standing. What about it was so. I don't know. Why don't you just put on some music or something? I tried, but they were just all around me. And then I realized I was standing for the wrong flight.

I was. Yeah, that was. Oh, my God. Where were they going? To Tampa, Orlando or something like that? Somewhere in California. And St. Louis was right next to it. And the people on the St. Louis flight were just like these sad, like people in blue jeans.

And blues sweatshirts. Every time I go on a flight to go to St. Louis, people are decked out in like St. Louis gear to like make sure you know they're from St. Louis. Oh, yeah. It's the only time that you're on a flight and people will dress for the city they're going to is St. Louis. It's the only time that you're on a flight and people will dress for the city they're going to is St. Louis. It's so bizarre.

People have like people and like Cleveland or something because they have like passion. There's passion to being the underdog and like being a smaller city. I guess. I don't know. People love. I guess you grow up here. A lot of people don't leave. Yeah.

Are we going to the Blues game tonight? I still haven't decided nothing about going to my the guy i'm dating got us has four tickets to go to the blues game and i'm just like i don't want to i just i don't know i don't know if i can do it i was really looking forward to just like sitting on the couch and watching you know tv and watching the new beatles documentary i watched one and a half of it. My dad said it was great. It is great.

I think if you're a musician, you'll fucking love it. I heard it's like kind of gives you an eye or a glance into the songwriting process. They speak. You know how you speak gibberish with your friends? Yeah. They speak. You'll see.

They speak. They're so in tune. There's a Geese to the Geeky again. Yeah, they're like, Geese to the Geeky again. Giddypaw, Giddyjohn, Get Back, Giddygo. And they're like,

Get Back, Get Back. In terms of like saying like, oh, do the beat like this and do the, let's do this. Dude, you'll see. It's another length. They just look at each other. What does the caption say?

Because we have Hulu captions on. I don't know if captions knows what they're saying. But you watched it. What did it say it said? No, it will say like, I'm trying to think of an example. But even when you read it, it seems gibberish? It's just so shorthanded. Okay.

Where they know exactly what each other's thinking. Because this was their last. Paul and George get into it. Yeah, George left the band during this. He just walked out. He just goes, I'm going to check on my telly or whatever. And then he leaves.

Girl. And he just never came back. I think he was like, girl. Girl. Oh, girl. Girl. Girls. Girls.

All I really want is girls. Oh, yeah. That's a good... Girls. Do you know that song? No, but it's probably about them trying to bang a 17-year-old. Yeah, it probably is. But I love that song because they go like, there's like this breathing in it.

They're like, girls. I don't know what it is. And Yoko is just there. Oh, yeah. Dude, it's cool. But you'll see. But I heard that you do not get confirmation that Yoko is the one that's bringing everything down. You could feel a vibe.

Oh, really? Of her just like... Dude, if you're trying to be creative and you're... My story. Wait, I just want to get to the girl part. Oh, gals. Oh, here it is. Hold on.

Hold on. That was like my massage the other night, was this guy going... He was breathing? He was breathing? That's what you're supposed to do when you're... Have you ever done the technique to get to sleep? The six and three or whatever.

It's four, seven, eight eight you breathe in for four through your mouth with your tongue on the through your mouth if you ever can't get to sleep you guys try this the four seven eight you breathe in through your mouth oh sorry through your nose for four seconds hold for seven breathe out for eight through your nose through your mouth and go Hold for seven. Breathe out for eight through your mouth and go. Through your nose, four. Hold for seven.

Out your mouth for eight. But you got to go. You have to make a. I don't understand how you can breathe out for eight seconds though i lose i i'm out of air see i'm out of air whenever i inhale inhale i can only do for four seconds it's a perfect breathing technique for me whenever someone's like inhale whenever there's an inhale exhale exercise on a yoga video or anything inhale i cannot do and this was you know i haven't smoked pot for three and a half months. I cannot do inhale. Try inhale for six seconds. Let's inhale right now.

For how long? It depends on if you're going or you're going. That's true. Do a steady inhale. Okay. Steady inhale. Done. Done. that's insane

wait let me try it again Noah you do it too everyone at home do it maybe I'm doing less though I'll try to inhale as slowly as I can ready wait let's breathe it all out okay inhale starting now.

Okay, I can't anymore. Dude, you've got amazing lung capacity. Now let's do out because I think I can do out for way longer. But you could run so much farther than me though. I don't get it. Let's do out as far as we can. Okay, let's breathe in as much as we can. I'm getting lightheaded. I have so much fat in my nose that you're getting more oxygen quick.

It's quicker. Oh, yours is like a small- Wait, you do- Do you struggle to breathe when you're like- All the time. Really? Are you serious? No, my breathing could be better at night.

But you actually do feel it? At night when I'm sleeping. You feel like you're not getting enough oxygen? I've never felt that. And even the idea of feeling like I'm not getting enough oxygen makes me so fucking scared. Do you get scared? You said oxygen? Oxygen.

Oh, if I'm not getting enough oxygen. Yeah, I don't really fear it. I mean, if I go, I'll be, yeah. Oh, suffocating. No, no, no, no, no. Wait, let's do a breathing out okay okay in let's go in as much as we can through your nose okay okay i'm out

let me know when you're ready to go out ready through the mouth shut the front door none of this makes sense nothing makes sense you guys can someone please explain what the fuck is going on I can only inhale for 4 seconds Andrew can inhale twice as long as me and I can exhale twice as long as him

what the fuck is going on what's going on out there scientist Noah well I was going to say it's exactly what you said twice as long because you exhaled on 11 seconds and Andrew exhaled on like 20. Excuse me. Vice versa.

Yeah. Oh, makes no sense. You're getting more oxygen. I think you might be sucking in harder than me initially. I think you might be right. Like I have bigger nostrils. You do. I have bigger like nose airways.

You do. Maybe if I just plugged one okay we got to get to the news i know this has been riveting podcasting by the way i think this should be a clip this should be the clip we submit for the podcast award for for an emmy they're not giving emmys away for podcasts yet yet until they saw that clip let me get a p-body i don't even know what a Peabody is. I love our listeners. That is not something I would have done the first month of this show.

While we were still trying to get people to like us. But I know that our besties just rode with us on that. And they probably did the breathing exercise with us. Let's get to the news. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, man. It's Tuesday, folks.

You know what that means? It is Tuesday. I hope you're having all the swells out there on this Tuesday. Tuesday doesn't get a lot of love. Tuesday should. I love Tuesdays. They're fun. Going down on a Tuesday. Ruby loves them.

Oh yeah, Ruby Tuesdays. I love their salad bar. Yeah, it's a good bar. Oh my god, the Ruby Tuesday salad bar. Shout out. I like a Chili's. I'm a Chili's man. There's no salad bar at Chili's, but in terms of salad bars, I don't even know if they're doing them after COVID. Oh, yeah.

I think they are. Ruby Tuesday salad bar, dude, I'm not kidding you. It's fucking great. Don't ever, don't knock until you try it. I'm not knocking. I think it's like $7.99, and you do if you do it like 8.99 you get two sides with it and then you just get get order two sides and then make it a fucking meal i feel like we did a great place to bring your um mom after like caroline's or something yeah oh yeah we used to go to ruby tuesdays yeah yeah you me and tom

yeah they're one time yeah in times square one time yeah and that was $799 yeah in Times Square okay yeah but you did get spinach let me guess the first thing

oh you wanted to I think I may have seen it on the email first of all I think you think that I would have picked it but I just didn't

feel like going down this road today yeah well whoever wants to go down that road with me

I will just say that the whole PETA campaign I just want to say one thing about the pita campaign because i know that it was in the news yesterday you may have seen it pita's doing this new campaign where they try to like get you get your attention by being like look at the hypocrisy like is it okay to wear these animals on your clothes as leather and they made like a whole you know fake store that's selling human skin merchandise.

And everyone on Instagram is like, I would love to wear this jacket. Ironically enough, cool, PETA, you didn't trick me. I actually want that human head purse. And it's just like, no, you don't. Shut up. Shut up. You don't. And yes, PETA can be so lame sometimes in don't. Shut up. Shut up. You don't. And yes, PETA can be so lame sometimes in their marketing.

At least they're trying. And I know you're like, they actually kill more animals. Shut up. I don't want to hear any of it. People always are like, why do you like PETA? They kill animals. You know what? I'm actually on board with what PETA does because I think it is actually more humane to kill animals than to put them into

these fucking factory systems. Everyone always goes, what's your biggest... My biggest problem, I don't ever buy a shirt that says meat is murder because murder is the nicest thing we do to these animals. It's their lives that suck. And I'm not saying...

I don't know all the details about PETA, but people always go PETA wants to kill animals that are in these situations rather than just let them live in the situation and I'm pro that too. Yes, exactly. I don't want these animals to get their asses wiped. I'm not playing devil's advocate here because I do

want a human head purse. Well, you know what? Devil's advocate is the devil so yeah, defend the devil. Okay, I'm going to advocate for the devs. For DV. With an E in there. I don't even... I've lost track.

I spelled devil in a roundabout way. We know what you're saying. Just kidding. It's funny how the spell words miss the letters. Come back to them. Get back to them. Just kidding. missed the letters come back to them yeah get back to them yeah just kidding um if if let's say we take all the animals out of the factories right what are we gonna do with them all no no no i'm just saying would they see that tone i can't even get a question out without

i'm just asking i'm just trying that's not a reason to keep i'm not saying it i'm not saying let them all die let all those animals that are currently there. Will they all die? Would they all die? Sure. Let them all die because it would actually be less animals dying than if we kept just killing them. Let them all die.

There we go. I don't care. Extinction? Chickens won't go extinct. All the chickens that are still being raised and loved by people that aren't killing them, let those ones live. Okay. All right.

Wild chickens, let them live. Cows, bulls. Wild cows, wild bulls, let them keep some in captivity and make sure. People are raising cows in nice ways. No, no. I'm just asking. But all the ones that are being kept for food, try to get them homes. The ones that don't, kill them or let them die.

But you know what? I was just asking a question. In the end, less harm to the world than if we kept just doing it the way we've been doing it. There's no argument there. I'm not arguing. It's like the thing of if you can stop a train, if you can push a guy in front of a train track and save

one person. You kill one person or kill five people. It's like, you kill one person. kill five people. It's like you kill one person. Yeah, I don't know. It depends who's on the train. That's a good point. You got a train of kids going to fucking, you know, Sausalito. Yeah.

I don't know why I think Sausalito. Is that in Northern California? Because that's where they were going. Okay. Yeah, maybe. It sounds like that. Maybe they were going to Carl's Bad. Oh, my God.

Carl's so bad. Okay, what's the real news story? Apple and WhatsApp. I literally picked that story. I skipped over it. You thought you were going to skip it. No, we went even deeper. But when I catch a vibe in the kitchen of you like, you're not like.

I'm depressed. But you seem insanely happy right now, which is great. Yeah, I'm in a good mood now. I tend to go, what are some happy stories here? I always wrote Noah. I go, can you send some happy stories? Nikki's in a mood. Yeah.

Nikki's tits are kettlebells today. I am about to start my period and I'm not feeling good. It could even be a happy story. It's like, kid gets rescued from orphanage. And you're like, fuck Orly. Like, you find a negative negative like a tank good that's what depression is yeah true okay apple and whatsapp have built themselves into a multi-billion dollar behemoth while preaching the importance of privacy and secure messaging but the fbi document says

it's easy for the feds to harvest data from facebook's whatsapp and apple's i message and icloud wait tell me what you just said. I don't even know. No, no. So WhatsApp and stuff. Like FBI. If the FBI wants to get your records of whatever your shit is in the cloud, maybe it's a nude, maybe it's a piece of shit.

You know, just talking shit about. Talking shit about, you know, maybe another female comedian or male or non-binary. They could get 25 days. last 25 days facebook just has to hand it that's an i message it's it's two separate things there's whatsapp and the data that they make available and i message it goes 25 days well that's i guess i'm okay sorry go ahead no so i think like the main point of this is that Apple and Facebook are, you know, toting around there.

You know, we're going to protect your privacy, this and that. Meanwhile, it's very easy for the FBI and this new expose on Rolling Stone for the FBI to access your private information, your messages, who,

who's in your contact book, what's in your iCloud. So the stuff that you think is private is not really private um if the FBI wants something about me this is the thing I I'm not one of these people that's good about arguing against like I'm like I've got nothing to hide if the FBI want to see like a picture of my shit I sent someone because it was like a big one yeah or it looked exactly like a penis there was one the other day that looked exactly like a penis hard or flaccid hard okay it was it had like the head

the ridge the hole like it was crazy it was like it was like um it was like a it was insane i'm surprised you didn't mold it and fuck it but But I always go, why do I care? But if the FBI wants into my data. Can I explain it in a way that, because I was the same way. I was like, I have nothing to hide. Right. But I think it's not. They can frame you.

Well, no, no, no. It's not the right attitude. So think of it, take something that's important to you and that is a little bit controversial. So let's say they thought it was a public health emergency, like how many people watch porn and they're like let's go into people's messages and the people who are talking about porn or sending pornographic images there are risks to public health so what if the fbi used it in that like yes i i see what you're saying because it's

like or it's like you know this is how like naz regimes start. They're like, let's see who's lying about being Jewish by looking through their messages. And like, so that's how. I said it the other night on stage. I was like, when I just joked about us losing all our rights when Trump is reelected inevitably or is not reelected. But he just takes the office and there's fucking, you know have a dictatorship which is pretty imminent i think at this point um how like i will be i even said i go i will be beheaded in the town square for this special that i'm for the joke i just made it will be used against me we're fucked i i it's like it's like china yeah north korea like you cannot the things that we think now are innocent

can be used against us I was thinking today about some jokes that I have friends of mine have made in specials and I'm like I cannot believe they haven't been cancelled for that joke yet I know where it is I know where they could find it and it's not like a joke like it's

not like they could be like things rules change. And I think that's the point you're making, Noah, is like things that might be okay to joke about or to talk about in privacy. If they want to suddenly make a law against it and convict people for whatever it is. You know, like even the abortion laws in texas like let's say a girl is chatting about wanting to get an abortion or got you know that's why you don't want the fbi in your messages totally i mean there's things that i've sent in text that are i don't send things in text anymore at even jokingly ironic things that i'm saying sarcastic

things i'm saying because because I'm like, it can be used against me if I got hacked. Someone could take that out of context. I'm even thinking about me saying, kill all the animals. That could be taken out of context. Like, Nikki wants animals to die, not in the context of versus keeping factory farming going forever

or killing all the animals that are currently in it now. Like, yeah, I'm saying that. But it's like, that could be somehow used. You know, it's like yeah i'm saying that but it's like that could be somehow used you know it's like no i know that's why you know but i'm not scared i'm terrified all right let's keep going the next one's fun oh shit dude okay um pita has now took dick skin and made earrings. No, my mom the other night.

Yes, last night we were at the kid's house. This was such a real moment. And by the way, I think my mom listens to the podcast because I went on a tirade yesterday. Not a tirade, but I just was talking about like mourning the loss of the parent you wish you had or the sister or the friend you wish you had or like the group of friends.

You just get what you get and it's not because you're a bad person it's just like you didn't get like sometimes you look at parents and we're like oh my god i wish my mom was like that or i wish my dad was like that or like you know i wish my mom didn't have this quality but she had this one instead it's like you don't always get everything you want and you just have to you really have to like instead of waiting for your mom to be that person out of nowhere you just have to, you really have to like, instead of waiting for your mom to be that person out of nowhere, you just have to accept that you didn't get that mom. And you have to like literally have like mourn that loss of the imaginary mom you wish. And I think my mom heard it because this morning I woke up to a text that said,

because yesterday I told her that Lauren was on the podcast. And I'm like, oh God, she probably listened to it. She goes. Oh yeah, you got to give her a timestamp next time. I know. Even though she probably doesn't know. She goes, you want to come over sometime this week and hang out or go do something my mom has never it's like never asked me to hang out so cute and i was to be honest i

was like what the fuck are we gonna do but then i was like oh we can go shopping i need to get some stuff for the house and i was like okay let's go shopping and our mani pedis and she said not sure about mani pedis unless my foot heals up a little bit. My baby toe is tender. I took a scalpel to my mom's foot yesterday and I went a little hard on her baby toe and I nicked it and I feel so bad. It's just like the littlest nick

and she's like, I forget old people don't heal as well. It's so, I'm such a fucking bad daughter. But I did get her corn out, which is gonna bring her immense relief. But I got a little scalpel happy. Anyway, last night. You killed the corn, but you took the toe down as well. I just saw this toe and I was like, I just want to get this piece.

And I was just was not being very gentle and blood. OK, so next story. But my mom. Oh, sorry. God, I was like, we're going to talk she goes nikki do you have her um you ever think about freezing your eggs like very quietly and you know this is my dad's in the kitchen with matt the kids are running around my sister's upstairs with forest and i go mom just listen for a second let's just just listen and it's just like no poppy i want that it's mine i want that no no i want to hold for like just and i go do

you think i need that do you wish that for me like you know what my life is why does everyone want you to have kids when it's like my life is so good i'm sitting here i'm cutting up at your foot i get to visit these kids i just taped a special i have i'm not sad tonight like why i go why would you want that for me and she goes i don't know i don't know why i even said that i'm like you know i if and i if i do want it i'll adopt but i don't want that i don't want it i'm so glad i'm i'm glad certain people want it because i love my niece and nephew and i know that they give a lot of pleasure to my whole family. We're obsessed with them, but I just don't want that.

Yeah. I don't want it. I think she just, I mean, it's just her about it. And I love how she said, do you ever think about freezing your eggs? Almost like, don't forget to bring a coat to New York this weekend because it's a different climate there. She said it like I hadn't thought of it.

It was just like the first time someone had been like, don't forget your passport. Did you ever think about freezing your eggs? Do you have your keys? Oh, wait. Oh, my God. I'm 37 and I haven't thought about freezing my eggs. Thoughts never occur.

Yeah, of course it has. What is the process of freezing your eggs? Giving yourself fucking hormone injections and then paying thousands and thousands of dollars. It's rough. How do they take them out? They go in and they fucking... You sit in a coop all for a month

and a farmer comes in and rustles around underneath your fucking puss and grabs some eggs and throws them in your... And then you go... you'd snap at them yeah it's not easy yeah i've never frozen my also i can be like it looks like me no thank you okay you're gonna like this story a woman goes viral after sharing her elaborate fake wedding complete with a professional photographer and fake groom in a desperate attempt to get her ex to text her. Oh, my God.

And not only that, she put it up as a story on Instagram. She saw that the ex saw the story, which hurt her even more. He said nothing. He said nothing. Oh, wait. How do we know about this? She put it on TikTok. And she goes, that time when I made fake photos for my ex to reach out. She like rented a stable

with horses. She did the whole thing. That is so funny because on the Reddit dump today I have something very similar. I love these kinds of things. Oh, they're unbelievable. Because we've all done this on a micro level. These women are masterminds of it though. We've all done this where we make

our lives look a little bit more exciting to target one person. What's her exit strategy here? Let's say the guy goes i'm jealous yeah she's married now yeah what's what's your plan here lady or do you just want the attention of him getting sad yeah because once you're married the person goes i'm out this isn't gonna be like the graduate where he's gonna come and bang on the fucking glass and try to stop your wedding. Yeah, you would have been better off putting up a video of you at the movies having popcorn with a guy. Yes.

You don't want to go full wedding. Oh, why don't I show you this thing on Reddit of what this girl did? This girl went a step, pretty much was the same kind of thought process, but didn't go that far. Because that is interesting. Why go that far? You know what would be a good one? A funeral where you're mourning the loss of your now boyfriend who died you know you know whatever

riding how are you gonna keep that up though these people are lying yeah but i'm saying that's a better move than a wedding i mean we've all done for i mean we do it every single day a version of putting the the curated truth out there that isn't really the truth. And even when it's like, I've been crying all day and today's a rough day and you're like in your car, like some days aren't great days. And this goes out to anyone else struggling today. Like it's like that is curated.

Your tear looks beautiful. Your ugly cry face is like one, is an enviable one and you know it is. Like you're still wearing a perfectly, like you probably fixed your bra strap in the photo just to look like a little good. Like it's rare that someone's just totally five photos of you crying and pick one of the best. You know who I love on Instagram that Noah got me into who is just truly honest and like I think isn't trying to be anything is page jen oh my god i love page jen you got me into her because noah by the way you posted okay so she does um it's called the viral podcast i think yeah with chelsea lynn um chelsea lynn and page jen do this podcast called the viral podcast i started following just the clips because noah posted them no noah posted one in her story and i was like oh my god i love what does she show like page

jen's voice is like so soothing and she just like talks like that she's so she reminds me of noah so noah's obsessed with her and i go noah it's you it is a hundred percent you this girl is you but then i went to page page jen is like on on the um instagram she's just like she kind of like sometimes has like glasses on and she just doesn't look like she really like puts that much work into like looking hot she's just like and she'll just like talk about anything like i farted today and it was like it was like one that like scared me dude like she'll just talk about and she's like yeah and the way they i just love we gotta start editing our clips she does these videos of her um roller skating in public and like doing fake falls

she's an amazing athlete this girl she's so funny and she's but she's so hot and she does this thing where she'll put like um she'll do like birth announcements by putting powder up her butt and then farting and then theing. And then the pet, it will come out the color of like the, the babies. Like, I don't even know if it's a birth announcement, but like she just, she always has her ass out.

She's farting all the time. She's so hot. She's really good at sports. Paige, Jen, G I N N N N. She totally reminds me of Noah so much. I'm honored.

Thank you. The way she talks is like very soft and like, oh yeah, I think we should do, like her, and then Chelsea is so beautiful and like the way she talks

is just like, she's always like, I just get obsessed. She's Southern, right? Yes, I get obsessed with their clips. I don't listen

to their podcast because I don't really listen to comedy podcasts, but you know, I love podcast clips and they're a great one to follow so and chelsea just got banned from from fucking instagram for something but i just tried to click

on her thing and it didn't come up yeah she got banned so she's getting back in but i thank you so much noah for exposing me to how wonderful chelsea had an she had an amazing video chelsea where she's eating at like a restaurant i think like in vegas or something and this roach walks along the table she takes her tit because she has huge tits and she just bangs the roach with her tit and then continues eating oh my god she's my hero she's they're so cool i love those girls i want to be friends with them i'm super and page has like this hot boyfriend and all they do is like fart together and they're so they have so much fun and prank each other. Like I'm very usually not into these couples that prank each other all the time.

But for some reason their love is so pure and so adorable. And I like went on a deep dive of like their relationship and like they just bonded over farts. Like I just love them. I'm obsessed. I farted last night, and it was smelly enough where I had to go get the spray. I hate spraying over a fart because then it just smells like farts with this. I know. Like a cover.

Gardenia, fart-gania. It's putting a Band-Aid over. Yeah. And it makes it almost like a sweeter, like you're still getting those little poop particles in your nose. I felt bad. I felt bad. Was Bruna laughing though?

I lift my leg. And she goes, you can't. I don't care if you fart. You can't. God, it's giving me chills to think about. Just this. This changes everything.

Yeah, because it seems so intentional. Yeah. Yeah. Meanwhile, I was talking to my lover on the phone and I went to go pee while we were i was talking you farted while you pissed no i just he does not like bathroom stuff at all which is ironic because listen yeah he's seen some shit um but it's always you know he just he just really likes the boundary of like no and i'm talking on the phone all of a sudden i was like oh my god oh my god i'm so sorry i'm peeing i'm so sorry and i've you know i've

known this guy for quite a while and he was just like it's okay it's okay like and i had to do the thing where i put toilet but i didn't want to stop peeing and my phone was in the other room because i was on airpods so i didn't know how to like i couldn't mute it because i was already midstream i didn't want to give up so what i did was I took the toilet paper and I rolled it out very, very far. And then I made, I tucked it into my vagina and then I made a little ramp for the pee trickle to go down into the toilet and not go.

And it's, that's a, that's a technique girls. You put a silencer on your pussy. Yeah. Gun silencer. Yeah. But it's a ramp. You just make put a silencer on your pussy. Yeah. Like a gun silencer. Yeah, but it's a ramp. You just make it so it has like a journey.

So it goes down a slide as opposed to going. You made like a dam, like a beaver dam. Yeah. And that's what I do. Or what's it called? What's it called? I respect the boundaries that other people have, even though I don't necessarily agree with them.

True. What's the hurricane when the hurricane in New orleans it went over the katrina yeah the levee your levee you built a levee yes i did i got there i was like what it's almost like the little ramp that um are in pools for frogs to get out of i did the same thing last night i mean we're very similar i not that i have so many techniques by the way for um people to sink on when i shit but the problem is you could hear a fart over shit which is similar to a spray on top of a fart we're just trying to i actually gave one of our besties um some of the best advice i've ever written out in my life and um i think i should share it on fan Threx tomorrow. I don't think I ever shared it once before, but I was going to do a bit about it on stage

because it's just like great advice about how to poop with a partner in the next room. Why don't you write it out and we'll post it on the pod. I did write it out. Post it on the pod. Yeah, maybe I'll do that. Okay, let's get to break. We blew past Why Do I Care? And let's just start when we come back with reddit dom john stewart is back at the daily show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight

to your ears with the daily show ears edition podcast dive into john's unique take on the biggest topics in politics entertainment sports, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party,

your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking

that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment.

Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty,E on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Hey, you guys. I'm Katherine Legg. I'm a racing driver who's literally driven everything with four wheels across the planet.

And I've got a new podcast. It's called Throttle Therapy. This season, I'm gearing up to make history, competing in some of the world's most notorious racing events, starting at the Indy 500. Join me as I travel from racetrack to racetrack in my quest to continue a memorable career in racing. I'm also going to bring you inside stories with legends of sports, new faces from the next generation of auto racing, and conversations with the people who've supported me throughout my career. We'll be getting into everything from karting to NASCAR, even Formula One. Whether you dream about being a pro athlete or an astronaut,

we're talking about what it takes to make it. Listen to Throttle Therapy with Catherine Legg, an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and my latest interview is with Mel Robbins.

The theory is very simple. It is a mindset tool that instantly helps you identify what's in your control and what's not in your control. Renowned motivational speaker, best-selling author, Mel Robbins. Work has been seen as the number one cause of stress. How can the let them theory help?

As you notice the stress come up, Jay, you're simply going to say, let them. You have no idea right now how much time and energy is being wasted because of other people's behavior. It's like a death by a thousand cuts. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we have had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch,

Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. Let's get to our Reddit dump. Karaoke mode. This is your Reddit dump. I literally sang that today when Luigi was taking a dump okay um

I don't know why I saved this I think I saved this more for um not for the show but for uh my friends who still are defending or still have a problem with, you know, the Dave Chappelle, the whole Dave Chappelle thing and his obsession with making fun of trans people. I know what's, I love Dave Chappelle. I fall on the side of like,

well, I love the clip that I posted the other day on Instagram. I'm going to play it real quick for you. This will shut everyone up. Not shut it. I did find this on Reddit, so this is apropos. But this is my favorite clip. This is from...

Judd Apropos? This is Judd Apropos. This is from James Acaster, who is one of my favorite comedians and writers. He's a British comedian. This is a clip i found on reddit in in a section that was you know dissecting the chapelle stuff and trans rights and all the things the arguments against making fun of them and for making fun of them i'm on the side of this clip

which i'm about to play which is trans people still have higher suicide rates than literally every other minority. Why do, if you can, if you, I understand that you should be able to make fun of anyone you want. I definitely err on the side of like free speech, but if you can, if you're a smart enough comedian to choose something to make fun of, and are you encountering that many trans people in your life that it's so annoying for you to get their pronoun right or to is it that much of a hindrance to your day that you have to make that big of a deal of it just let them be unless they're hurting you let them be um and this is this is the james a caster uh clip that I love so much. The comedian's always like, bad luck. That's my job. I'm a stand-up comedian. I'm meant to challenge people. If you don't like being challenged, don't watch my shows. What's the matter, guys?

Too challenging for you? That's my job. I'm a stand-up comedian. I'm meant to challenge people. If you don't like being challenged, don't watch my shows. What's the matter, guys? Too challenging for you? That's my job.

I'm a stand-up comedian. I'm meant to challenge people. If you don't like being challenged, don't watch my shows. What's my job. I'm a stand-up comedian. I'm meant to challenge people. If you don't like being challenged, don't watch my shows. What's the matter, guys? Too challenging for you. Oh, yeah, because you know who's been long overdue a challenge? The trans community. Oh, they've had their guard down for too long, if you ask me.

I mean, enough said. Anyway, there was this clip. There was, I don't know why this was in a subreddit called BreadTube. I don't know what that means. I guess it was a suggested subreddit. And this was just someone broke down why, I'm not even going to get into it, but they broke down perfectly the arguments for why dave

chappelle special was problematic and like they are just i love when someone just gives me solid reasoning that i can kind of go toe-to-toe with someone who's trying to disagree did you hear about him going to his high school yeah where they wouldn't let cameras they should have because the stories that came out of it just from people trying to remember. Oh, oh. They wouldn't let anyone record it or... I thought he was trying to donate money and they wouldn't let him donate money.

Isn't that what happened? Well, yeah, he's trying to get a theater. The theater is named after him and he's like, they're trying to get the theater not named after him. And he's like, I'm getting canceled from shit I don't even want. Like, I don't care, which is funny to say that.

But he told like he just got into like arguments with a lot of the kids and was just talking over them and what and you know these kids are very entitled and don't really they didn't grow up with the chapelle show so they don't respect him the same way that he's probably used to teenagers yeah respecting him he's been gone a while and probably hasn't been out around high school kids and um yeah anyway um someone just wrote though in this comments of dave chabelle's special they go uh netflix paid 25 million dollars for a vlog um okay so here's uh this is one from suggest me a book which is a separate that i love where people just write like what they like in a book or books they liked and then people who love reading suggest them a book and I liked this it said books that give you a massive

book hangover which I love you know those times where you read a book and you can't stop thinking about it a movie you can't stop thinking about afterwards a massage where you feel violated I was saying I had a hangover after that massage um these are some of the books that were in the top listed ones if anyone's looking for a new book Lonesome dove the goldfinch i've read that didn't care for it i didn't love it as much as people david copperfield by charles dickens war and peace um uh broken earth trilogy um this is how you lose the time war my brilliant friend his dark materials lord of the rings second Secondhand Time, Anna Karenina. Do you guys have any books that you would recommend as ones that you just stayed

with you and almost that you wish you could read again because they were so good? And I know we're not, I'm not a big, huge reader. I have been in the past, but. Yeah, I'm just trying to think. This Much I Know Is True is my favorite book by Wally Lamb and that's one I've read twice and would probably read a third time books do not stay with me in terms of I can't remember them after I put them down years later it's a gift because I get to keep reading things over and still

get surprised but that's one that I love yeah like my music like you know I like the Strokes and Tom Petty I'm very basic bitch in a lot of my things and like even when i think about books because i haven't read that much but like on the road oh i haven't read that it's just bookerthy it just makes me like it just relates a lot to my life i feel like even catcher in the rye like just being kind of like not really kind of finding yourself through

doing things uh and old man in Sea, which is just like. No, that's cool too. But these are all very simple books. Like, I love how Hemingway writes. I got through. I was in a moment where I read like five of his books. And like, yeah. And then I like.

I'm going to tell you what is in my want to read books in cold blood, Truman Capote. I need to read that crossroads. It's the new Jonathan, Jonathan Franzen. I loved the one of Jonathan Franzen's books. He's a St. Louis guy.

Um, uh, let's see. So you've been publicly shamed by John Ronson. Um, and then there's, Oh God, the alchemist, the silent silent patient these are all things that have

been uh the poisonwood bible um and oh east of eden is going to be my next one those are ones east of eden and ann and karenina are the ones that i'm like okay those are classics i need to read and david copperfield um noah any books to you that stand out as ones that give you hangovers uh you know i i can never remember like when i'm reading fiction books i remember like one time i got through paradise lost which by you know that's like the hardest book to read and of course i remembered nothing at the end and i was like okay i don't feel like i achieved anything by getting to the end um yeah i would like to take suggestions if anyone out there feels strongly that i would love a book like you feel like you know me i would definitely take your dm suggestion

please i just had to find this yeah because jonathan all the places you'll go oh no jonathan tropper oh yeah on my phone he wrote you ever seen the movie this is where i leave you um no but i yeah i've heard of it. Jonathan Tropper, before I got into stand-up, I was like, I don't know, I never laughed at a book out loud. Mm-hmm. Like, laughing hard. Jonathan Tropper.

Jonathan Tropper. What book? Or Trooper. Trooper, Trooper. Doesn't matter. T-R-O-P-P-E-R? Yeah. So, This Is Where I Leave You, he has like four or five books.

Which one made you laugh out loud? This Is Where I Leave You was one of them. I'm going to read it. Well, let's get back on Reddit dump. year yeah so this is where i leave you he has like which one made you laugh out loud this is where i leave you okay i'm gonna read it i'm gonna read it well let's get back on uh reddit dump um this is one of the best jokes i've ever read and it makes me furious that i haven't thought of it for a um a roast okay it was just an internet comment and this was from um the subreddit rare insults which are just really good insults that they find on comments or, you know, anywhere on the internet, you know, text screenshots. This one was, this was a comment under Kid Rock's new music video. It said, Kid Rock is an artist that stops at nothing and then stays there.

I mean, how good is that? See, that's a roast joke that's just been sitting there forever, and no one's thought of it. But to take something that usually means you are the fucking best, you stop at nothing. And then to make it about, I mean, I couldn't believe it. Who was that, Ryan Reynolds? I know, right?

I wouldn't be surprised. Okay, so this is the one that uh i wanted to share with you guys that reminded me of the thing from before let's go into final thought so this is from sad cringe the subreddit and this is just obviously happy yes so this is a girl who did the same thing from our news segment that wanted to make a boyfriend jealous and she said uh she goes rating all this is what it says on her tiktok the the she's on a video i'm going to play in a second but it says rating all the embarrassing things i posted to my insta story to try and get my ex-boyfriend's attention

okay so back in 2018 i was going through a really bad breakup and i engaged in this absolutely unhinged behavior where I would hide my Instagram story from every single person that followed me except for my ex-boyfriend. Wait, okay. First of all, that is, who knows? Even if it's a hundred, it's insane. And it had to at least have been of a hundred. So this girl's going through, which by the way, every single, I'm not going to say every single woman, but any unhinged lady out there that's been hurt by a guy has thought of a way to do this, where you are trying to put out something that looks like it's for everyone, but you don't want everyone to see how desperate you are or to catch you in this lie,

and you just like one person to see it. This bitch went ahead and did it. 400 followers. I would hide it from 399 people except for him. So I would post a story literally only for him to see it. And every time I share this with my friends and family, everyone gets a kick out of it. And he's a hilarious.

So I'm now going to share it with the world. And I also want to know if anyone else has ever done this. Yes. Okay, so this is actually from New Year's Eve. This is a girl in her room taking a selfie in the mirror. I posted this picture, like cute New Year's Eve outfit, saying I was ready for the year to be over. I actually did not go out that night.

I put on this outfit, put on jewelry, did my makeup, put on heels to take this photo. And then I went and sat downstairs with my mom and my sister and probably was asleep before midnight she goes on to share one where she's in the send me that link I gotta watch she takes a picture of

it's like it's a glowy picture a selfie okay and it says JK because every year is a chance to grow and learn and it's like she goes seven out of oh so she's rating these this one's funny too hold on no is it okay if i keep sharing this yeah no i'm just like oh i think i did that before yeah i remember when i did that i love that this girl is sharing this and it's almost funnier because these these new generation are so self-reflective that they can catch these things quicker.

Usually this would be something you share 10 years later, not a month later. Because this girl looks the same as the girl in these photos. Do you know what I'm saying? It is interesting to me, though. There's a line between being self-reflective and wanting to go viral. Yeah.

So there's like a- I appreciate it regardless. I know. I'm not saying that's bad. But I do agree that some people do embarrassing things to and then share it and be like brave. But I still think we all benefit from it. Of course. Of course.

Okay. This one's kind of a follow-up because this was also for New Year's Eve in 2018. Obviously, like I had done my makeup, put on jewelry, and I actually went into my closet and I turned all the lights off and made sure that it was really dark um and I took a boomerang this is just a screenshot of that boomerang but I was attempting to make it look like I was in a club which our closet which I was in a dark closet I don't know how I thought that one was good see okay so then legitimately in a club,

but we're going to go with seven out of ten. She's rating them. Because I do think that's cute, but an effort was there, but I just think execution was poor. Okay, this one's wild. So it's a picture of her in the backseat of an Uber, it looks like. She is doing a selfie,

and what she had written on the post when she originally posted it was, always fun when your 70-year-old Uber driver home asks what happened to your head and you've got to disappoint her and tell her you ran into a street sign. And then she has a circle over a mark on her head where she has a kind of scratch on her forehead, a tiny scratch, and there's a circle on it that she has posted now this is a great story very specific purpose and honestly who knows if he actually picked up on what that was but this was a another boomerang i think but it was showing how i had a scrape on my head because i ran into a street sign when i was out with some

friends and i ended up staying the night at someone's place so this was taken in the uber ride home the next morning and i said something about how the uber driver asked what happened to my head i'm sorry in what world would an uber driver notice that tiny scrape on someone in the back seat of their car besides the point um but the point i was trying to get across was that I was Ubering home the next morning, like on a weekend morning, early in the morning. So I wanted him to think that I had hooked up with somebody and was heading home. The scrape and the sign hitting my head, that part was true. The Uber driver asking was not true.

So a little bit of deceit in there. We're going to give it an 8 out of 10. I mean, I just. I got to know. did he ever write her? Like, what happened? Oh, we don't get that answer. Oh, God. We don't get that answer.

Probably not. I mean, usually it's like girls that think of all these elaborate schemes and guys don't even think twice. But she's so smart in leaning into the heartstrings of an injury. I have done things. She's so smart. You know, girls do this way more than men because girls think,

girls, I've learned through reading these books about the differences between the male and the female brain. I don't want to say we're smarter because obviously this is some dumb shit, but we are thinking in a very layered way. Men are a sheet cake

and women are a meal de foie which is like a like like a very layered french pastry with thin layers men are just basic and they just are very like they don't they don't think this way it's manipulative it's great it's sociopathic but the way we we think about how you're going to we're very perceptive we're very but a lot of emotionally tapped in i don't think you're right oh i think we are so much of the time i do think that this man if he did care for her which she's trying to test if he cares for her he would give a shit about those things if he wouldn't for those things she's not off of what human reactions would be

if he did care for her still but because he it's dependent on that so she's not wrong if she's if she you know if he still likes her it is interesting though to see it keep escalating to eventually she's just doing nudes because it's just

for him because no one else can see it and he's just like what the fuck that would be so funny he gets her bigger if i on my instagram unblock like hit everyone you know i went through yes oh my god i hired someone to mute me on to mute everyone except one person and then i started doing full-blown nudes to just make that person think I had gone completely fucking insane. Dude, that's so funny. Do it. Oh my god. The only problem that I see. Wait, I have an idea. Is there's

going to be maybe four you don't mute? Yep, and then it would be a problem. And one of them is like the time. Well, you would do it in a way that wouldn't get you canceled necessarily. Yes. I want to close with one thing that needs no commentary, but I just thought it was beautiful.

This is Stan Lee. This is from Made Me Smile, the subreddit. And this is Stan Lee, the creator of... Where he says, peace, everyone get along, no hatred. This is about Spider-Man's costume. And this is Stan Lee talking about Spider-Man's costume. It's so cute. The greatest things about Spider-Man's outfit, his costume, what he is

completely covered so any kid could imagine he's spider-man because no color of the skin shows he could be black under that he could be red he could be yellow he could belong to any race and that wasn't done purposely it was done. But I think it was the best thing we did, making him so that he could be anybody under that costume. I thought that was so beautiful. It is. And I like that he was honest about it. It wasn't on purpose.

I like that, too. Thank you guys for listening today. What a good pod. I'm in a good mood now. Started off a little hazy. Love you guys. Send me your book recs. Don't be cool out there.

And Jack. Jack Stanley. No, you can't just. You can't just add. Hey, Spider-Man could be anything. And so can that. Think about it. No, I don't want to.

No one needs to.. Think about it. No, I don't want to. No one needs to. Just ponder it. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors.

And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

You are cordially invited to the hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart

Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join in the conversation.

Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, then tune in to my podcast, Building One. I speak with some of the best product builders out there. I've always been inspired by frustration. It came back to my own personal pinpoint.

So we had to go out to farmers and convince them. Following that curiosity is a superpower. You have to be obsessed with the human condition. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy, my dog. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From Novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.