The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #145 Between Us and Stevie

Episode Date: December 7, 2021

Between you and Nikki, she is learning things she never knew about cats, codependency and Andrew's butthole. Andrew reveals why he should never sleep, Nikki explains how she handled multiple flaccid penises and they press their belly buttons. You heard it here first, don't send nudes, engine trivia, weird doctor play and Nikki does care about leaving a relationship with an ex amicably. In their Top1 Bottom1 the show transforms to a lazy river as they discuss salads. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You've got to check them out.

Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions,

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The hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed

and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations.

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Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello. Here I am.

Sorry, I came in hot. I forgot to press the recording for the audio, but I got it just in time. Don't you worry, Noah. Don't you freaking worry. It's okay. I have backups. Welcome to the show. Happy Monday.

Oh, okay. Good. Yes. to the show. Happy Monday. Oh, okay. Good. Yes, that's true. Happy Monday. I have my Invisalign in. I just put in my fourth tray. They're a little tight. Probably to put them in a little too soon.

I got to be wearing them more. That's why they're in today. So if I sound a little like a little lispy and gummy it's because of that i'm just trying to trying to there's this gap in my tooth so they had to they have to file in between your teeth to make room for them to like move together so they made a gap in my teeth and sometimes in pictures i am lined up so you can see straight down the gap. It's a side gap. It's on the side of my tooth. And it looks like I just have a big piece of fucking basil or something. It's like a line in my tooth.

It's so thin that it, and it's not where the gap usually is. The gap is usually in the middle, right? But it just looks like I have something in my teeth in certain pictures. And I'm trying to close that bitch up and get my life back um do you tell friends when they have food in their teeth oh hell yes i think that's the sign of like a true

friendship yeah you know what paris hilton told me that too paris hilton used to put on a shitty outfit when she was changing to get ready with her girlfriends she'd put on like a really fugly outfit and then she would go out and be like guy like what do you guys think is this hot and then they if they were like yeah i love it she'd be like you bitches lie to me and you're not honest she also like she uh leaves out things so that if she could if like or at least she used to i think she used to you know before she started getting like like, recovery from her PTSD. Or as Andrew says it, PTSD. From being in those awful schools that people kidnap their kids and send them away to these, like.

If you didn't watch the Paris Hilton, I am Paris documentary. She also helped enforce some, like, legislation in Utah. She's so. I love her. I love her. She used to though she used to leave her like stacks of money around to just test to see if people would steal and then she'd count it later or like she'd just leave things out to like seat to test people so if

she could trust them because she had trust issues because her parents fucking hired some thugs to come kidnap her in the middle of the night and then they watched her get dragged off i mean the trauma from that i'm so mad at kathy hilton about that oh buzzy i see buzzy sorry he's like playing with my background and i'm just worried that it's gonna i saw the curtain going crazy like there was a bunch of crew back there being like we got the wrong mic um i uh yeah she's she's cool and um she she's been through a lot and um yeah i just what was i saying about oh yeah so she does that test and then when i was filming cooking with paris at one point she had something in her teeth and whitney came in that night and was like paris you have something in your teeth and she looked at me like you bitch,

because she had just told me that's how she like test people is to see if like they have something in there. Like, and I was like, no, I didn't see it. I don't, I think I look people in the eyes and not the mouth when I talked to them,

um, which a lot of people do the opposite. And so I think some people see teeth stuff more than I look at someone's mouth when I want to make out with them um but i think a lot of people look don't like to look like eye contact and i'll let you know if you have a piece of parsley in your eye um or like deep in your soul because that's what i'm looking at because i'm you know i'm not avoiding intimacy yes, I am constantly all the time. Oh my God, Buzzy is on your shoulder.

Oh, he is so cute. He's a frisky little cat. Yeah, Avi is away for like the next two weeks. So we have a lot of quality time to spun together. That's fun. Does Buzzy like you or Avi more? He lets Avi hold him more and and he's biting me right now, but it's very playful.

Yeah. I don't know. Is he a social cat? Oh, he's so social. He likes to play, and he wakes you up, and he wants interaction with you. Yeah. He'll wake me up in the night, but he'll start purring, and it's just so irresistible you know

it's just me the difference between a dog and a cat for you because wait had you had cats before never i always wanted okay and you had you obviously had uh dogs before you had your own dog bruno who you you know didn't lose but you know who died last year and who you had had forever so i can't believe i haven't even asked you about this like what's the should i get a cat should um dog people be open to getting cats are you one or the other what's the differences what's the similarities let's talk about it i have something in my throat so i might start coughing but it's okay if you do i'll i'll i'll start talking i think something went from my teeth to the back of my throat, so I might start coughing. It's okay. If you do, I'll start talking. I think something went from my teeth to the back of my throat.

Oh, I didn't see it. Yeah, I'm sorry. I got lucky with this cat because he's so friendly. Oh, I thought that was a dog you had. I got lucky when I was four. Sorry. Okay, you got lucky with this cat. Yes. Because he's a feral cat. My friend found in a in a parking lot he was an outside cat and he's so um like social and friendly the difference that i

really like is that he he can be so independent but when i say you know like when i ask him to come or whatever he like will act like a dog and he'll come to the room. I don't take him for walks. He goes in his kitty litter. And I told you that I like cleaning the poop. It reminds me of like one of those like Zen gardens where you like. I love those. Those were so like chic.

And in the 90s, you were rich if you had one of those yeah little ones so you you okay so you scoop the poop low maintenance no walks loving gives you attention um independent very funny great sense of humor great sarcasm why what's but what's the what's the? Like playing it cool, smart, smart. Do you see Buzzy playing games? My dog, Luigi, literally will do this thing that is so funny and smart where he, if he sees a dog coming, and I don't see the dog because he has better hearing than I do, obviously, and smell. If he smells a dog way down the block before I can see it, he will just pretend to sniff a flower because he knows I'll wait when he's sniffing because I honor his sniffs.

But he won't sniff. He'll just put his nose by it to give the illusion that he's sniffing so that we can wait for the dog to come up. Let's say the dog's walking the same way we are and he knows if we keep walking, we'll get further. So he'll just pretend to sniff. That is smart and cute.

So cute. Buzzy will do this thing where he'll hide behind a corner, and as we walk by, he'll just, like, pounce our leg. He'll just go like this, like, with his paws. I love that. No nails. Like, almost clapping. Yeah, it's no i love that no nails he'll just like almost like clapping yeah it's almost clapping but no nails involved so you could tell that it's friendly oh my god that's so cute yeah i've been craving getting a pet or something um sometimes you're not gonna

get a bird for a while yeah yeah he'll chirp like a bird and then i was thinking like i wonder if we get like a parakeet that's gonna be like did you say a parakeet i'm i'm at a parakeet okay i was like did she you're super sonic here then i'm like a dog i'm waiting by a flower until you say that t um yeah a parakeet i this whole thing of like dogs and cats like cats and dogs they don't get along birds and cats like obviously yes birds trigger whatever it is in a cat's brain that makes it want to fucking eat it but they're you know you know more than anyone that any kind of animal can get along with any other kind of animal and it honestly always makes for a pretty cute instagram account yeah animals from different species being friends it's fucking great i was in um

portland for two shows oh my god buzzy's you can hear him oh crap it's funny it's don't worry about it um i was in this weekend san francisco and portland oregon amazing shows So many besties at all of them. Met so many listeners of the show. Very moving. You all are so sweet. I always know, I always recognize you right away when you come up because you just have a sweetness to you that is different than just the average stand-up fan. And I can say that because the average stand-up fan isn't listening to this. And if you're listening to this, you're a bestie. And, you know, so I'm preaching to the fucking choir here but it's just true there's like a different vibe and and andrew

and i always walk away from those meet and greets like god we're the best fucking fans so it was really nice to to meet everyone and there was one guy that was like there's one guy on the and he definitely won't see this because he doesn't, he is not on the internet. He's like the, you know, bragging you're not on social media is the new, I don't have a TV, you know. It's like, oh, whoa, you're so, so much better than all of us. Oh, do you communicate with your friends with books? But he was like, I don't have, I don't have social media. He kept saying, I wish I would have remembered how he said it.

It was the quickest way in which he said it. But he handed me a business card that he made specifically for me. It was like the hastily packed moving company or something. Because I used to say my vagina looks like a hastily packed suitcase. And then he told me and Andrew that he wanted us, he was like, I got to say something to you and andrew and he gets andrew to come over and he like is like i just want you guys to know that i'll never think about my 15 if i oh my 15 year old daughter has invisalign and now every time i see that invisalign i'm gonna think about how when she gives blowjobs it's not gonna it's gonna like smooth out her teeth and they won't be as toothy

and i don't even know why he brought andrew into that because that's my joke but he wanted like andrew to be there for it too and he was trying to make us laugh but it was obviously you know i i just was like oh god that's i'm sorry to give you that visual image or what you know i was just trying to be nice or whatever and andrew goes andrew was kind of annoyed by him immediately and he goes um all right well uh send us pictures and there was this other guy in line because this guy was already like at a very big vibe of care and just kind of like walking in like i don't really want a picture i'm not like all these losers who want pictures he didn't say that but he's like kind of has that air about him like no no i don't want a picture no no i just want to

actually have a human interaction you know like that kind of thing and uh he yeah so and then the guy in line behind him laughed so hard at andrew's joke of send a picture of your 15 year old dog it's just so funny andrew was so funny this weekend he was making me laugh so hard in Portland on um Saturday night we did two shows you know we had traveled all day we had San Francisco the night before um he when he gets sleepy he gets so funny because he just stops like he already doesn't make sense a lot of times when he talks. But when there is truly zero filter between his brain and his mouth, the funniest stuff comes out. What did he say? That was so freaking, oh, he goes, oh, my God.

Wait, what was it? We were talking about his asshole because his asshole was really hurting him this weekend. And I was laughing so hard i felt bad emile and i were seriously about to like pass out from laughing because he was talking about how one time he almost died because i mean i think he's told this on the did he tell the story about when he got was hung over in florida in the heat in a car and passed out and he passed out like he drove i don't know if he drove drunk but he passed out in a car that was parked in front of a police station and so in the morning and he attended windows so the policeman couldn't even see into his car but he was passed out in this florida sun first of all

the tinted windows saved him and the parking in front of a police station saved him he almost suffocated in the car he was almost dying because he was heated so the cop wrapped on his window and woke him up and he almost died like one of like a dog you leave in your car when you go into home depot or like a kid that you forget is in the back seat or that you say that you forgot in the back seat because you really just want to start over in life that that's what andrew almost did to himself because he was hung over he was so lazy upon being hung over that he couldn't just i go you couldn't do this i did the roll the window down motion he goes no i couldn't do this and he just pushes the button so we were and meal and i were laughing so hard because he almost like

hot car dogged himself which is just an insane thing to do to yourself when you're a able-bodied person andrew has so many lives like more than a cat many it's it's he should not be like i go it is a miracle that you are alive he he was having asshole pain though and we were talking about i was like i want to see your asshole so bad because it's it he says it's like a canyon you know he's drawn it for me and it looks like someone drawing a star with their left hand like it's just a mess there's like jagged edges because he's had fissures and had it removed like they cut out his asshole and so he says there's like just a an open or like it's just there's no it's just tragic and he won't let Brenna see it and she's constantly always trying to see it too because she's just like what isn't he and he's never seen

it because he doesn't want to see what it looks like and he's scared that if i look at it or emil looks at it that we will be so horrified that then he'll be scared that he's dying and i don't want to obviously give him any anxiety about that but i i'm desperate to see it and then emil goes if you've never seen it then how can you draw it and he what did he say fuck that was the question that led to the funniest thing he has ever said how do you how do you not he compared it to something so beautiful that was so oh how does stevie wonder play the beat i mean if if i ever am upset with Andrew, I only have to remember that Andrew's never seen his asshole, yet he's able to draw it.

And then when Emil said, how have you drawn it if you've never seen it? And he goes, how does Stevie Wonder play the piano? It's so funny. Oh, my God. Noah, I've been playing so much guitar i just learned i'm so excited to get my life back after the special taped i was able to pick up the guitar again and start like singing and fucking around on it i'm so happy i love it so much i came home last night i traveled all day yesterday um i got to the airport right on time to check my bags and get through

and i get in line behind in the priority lane you know there's one person in front of me it is a woman who has three kids and she's making her husband i posted on my instagram story she's just handing her husband her bags being like it's over 50 and it's all her shit and he's just sweetly going through it and she keeps going it's still over 50 and i'm just like this fucking bitch and i'm almost getting obsessed with this family just like filming them and watching them and then pretty soon i look down at my phone and i'm like oh my god it's 40 minutes till my flight like i missed the cutoff to check my bag it's 45 minutes and it's all because I was watching this woman be so slow because I thought I would I had so much time so it was my fault it wasn't even her fault it was my fault but I was so mad at her at the moment because I couldn't

see that and then I missed my flight because you can't put bags on a flight you're not on so I um I stayed and waited and it ended up being good I traveled all day yesterday alone Andrew traveled on the flight we were supposed to go on and I went on a later one and I was alone all day and it was weird being alone for the first time in so long um I like just I don't know I was listening to really sad music I cried a lot which I never cry but I was like crying all day yesterday I even was at I was on a layover at DFW and I was texting something and it made me cry and I was ordering at Starbucks and because they didn't have a mobile order at the you know I'd wait in line like a plebe and the woman is taking my order and my eyes are watering because I'm wearing a mask I'm just like can I and I don't want but all I wanted really I don't I didn't want like her to see me crying that is

not I don't like being seen crying in public I'm not trying to like get attention I know some people probably try to do that and that's nothing wrong with you if you're trying to get attention um but I didn't want to and then I was like wait I kind of do like I kind of want someone to go like I and then I started to think if a stranger was like hey do you need a hug I would have just like grabbed them so hard and like I needed a hug yesterday so bad so I don't even know if it was good that I was alone but I was just like so it felt nice to know that that's what I needed though you know that that would have made me feel better because usually I'm like I got it but Noah oh my god this is what I wanted

to talk to you about have you read Attached of course it's the best it's crazy good it's kind of blowing my mind I just started reading it It's always been the one that everyone's always suggested for me to read, including you, but like truly it's the one that people talk about. And obviously it's based on the attachment style theory and whether, you know, there's three attachment styles, but there's, you can be mixed and it's like a secure, anxious, avoidant, and you can be mixtures of those things. But your goal is to be secure and anxious people are attracted to avoidant and you can be mixtures of those things but your goal is to be secure and anxious people are attracted to avoidant people avoidant people are attracted to anxious people and it's just a big fucking mess um and it's all based on your relationship with your parents your relationships with past lovers your relationship with yourself um all those things and i have secure i've taken

the quizzes over and over trying to get a diagnosis of anxious or avoidant and I'm pretty secure honestly like my parents relationships it's they were avoidant and um but I I now am pretty secure and I've taken it over and over and over and I'm trying to even err on the side of like, be your most vulnerable self. And I tend to be pretty secure, which doesn't check out for me, though, because I think in a relationship, I become I feel like I'm anxious. But that's when I'm with avoidant people. But now that I know that I I think it's all since I've stopped having, you know, when

I dealt with my eating disorder and started like actually liking myself, which was at the root of all that. I can't, I can't tolerate people who are avoided anymore. I won't tolerate it. I sometimes do for a little bit, but I instantly go, no, no, no, this isn't going to work. If you're going to do this, I'm out. And then they stop being, they stop being that. And then they do it again five days later you know like but i think i'm secure i think i got that but this is what i learned from the book that blew my mind and which which one are you but by the way are you avoided no you're anxious i was anxious attached i think i'm like now anxious hyphen secure.

Yes. Okay. I'll be anxious. I think I'm anxious secure too. But I read because I don't want to be alone. That is something I'm scared of being is alone and abandoned for sure. But when it asked about my parents, like are you worried? It's like are you – it asked about my parents like are you worried they're you know it's like are you it asks about your parents and do you ever take a quiz and you just

know like fuck this is gonna fuck up my results like because i'm not this like ever i'm i'm this way for all this and then this one thing it's totally not that like my parents no i do not feel comfortable sharing my deepest feelings no i am not i know i don't share my deepest feelings i don't feel like they can receive those with what I need for them to receive those with. I do, like, when I get anxious when I even start to reveal my feelings to them. Do I reveal my feelings to them? Yes, because I, like, at this point I, like, force it. But when it asks, like, are you scared they'll abandon you?

Like, that's never been a fear with my parents which I'm very lucky in that like I just don't feel but I have had boyfriends over and over who I feel at the drop of a hat will just drop me at like a hat what was the thing that blew your mind okay so all of the work that I do on myself always stems back to if you don't love yourself others can't love you like you have to be a whole person before you can really the goal is to be whole the goal is to be a whole that's always been my goal but the goal is to be enough that you like my um my my uh dr not dr abusive used to tell me that the perfect relationship is one that you can live with the person or you could live without them and you'd be fine either way like you're not codependent right codependency is this like kind of um you know it's this buzzword that is this

whole sect of psychology that has made people go oh my god if i, if I need a man or if I need my partner, then I'm weak and I'm not enough. And that's a bad thing. But attached tells you that it's not bad to need a person and that this idea of another person completing you or making you more whole or a better version of yourself is actually scientifically proven that they've done studies where someone's about to receive an electric shock and if they get to hold a stranger's hand their blood pressure goes down if they're alone their blood pressure is a certain level it's pretty high if they are about to receive a shock that they are told it's going to hurt if they hold a stranger's hand their the their blood pressure

goes down slightly if they hold their husband's hand or wife's hand, it drops way dramatically. So what it tells you is that you're able to withstand pain and discomfort if you have a partner. Then they did the other studies where a little baby girl is in a room full of toys and she's playing with toys and her mom is there and she's exploring and she keeps walking around and looking at the toy and then looking back at the mom. We all know the little girl that does that little babies that they look at their parents for like is this okay look at this and then the mom leaves the room and the baby starts howling another woman comes in a stranger woman and who's very nice and the baby's just still screaming and then the mother comes

back in and the baby just hugs her and holds her tight and then the baby slowly like make sure she's gonna stay and then goes back to playing, which tells us that humans need loved ones to feel brave enough to do things that they want to do anyway, the things that are going to make them feel good and be happier people. So this whole idea of like, I've got it. I don't need a man. I don't want a partner. A romantic partner is just like, you know, the Cher quote of men are a dessert. Like you don't need need them but they're nice to have I actually think I need them I might need a romantic partner and there's nothing wrong with saying that or or demanding that and I need you know there's this great example in the book

and I've only read the first third of it and you guys know I'm not going to go past that but I got it right I'm spouting this off like I fucking wrote it but it's this amazing um anecdote in the book about this couple that was on the amazing race and the whole time this couple who were you know were like a great couple that had been together a while the woman just wanted the guy to hold her hand during the race literally and he didn't want to do it and at one point the guy has a bunch of like fear of bungee jumping and they're in the lead. And because he has fear of bungee jumping and he's second guessing it, they lose their lead and then they they lose. And they go to the woman at the end and she's like, I shouldn't have been so needy. That made him like not feel like I don't know why I needed that.

Like it just is so desperate of me. And like that was such a bad look. Like I need to just like understand that he doesn't want to do that and it's like when the woman that wrote the book goes if he would have just held her hand she would have felt more secure he would have gotten her to be able to reciprocate that same thing that he gave to her in the moment of the bungee when he was when he needed her in the bungee jumping incident she would have been more able to give him that care and support that would have made him able to overcome that fear quicker than if he rejected her hand the whole time and made her then not really want to be able to be

there for him in the same way because fuck you you didn't hold my hand and instead this you know I think women just have this constant or at least I do a monologue of like in my head of I don't need a man like you shouldn't need someone to complete you yes it's fun yes it's good but that whole Jerry Maguire you complete me has always been like that's unhealthy and it's just interesting that this book kind of turns codependency and everything I've learned in like you know the 12-step programs of like you're enough other people can't affect your feelings it's like yes they can and that's okay if they do that kind of blew my mind and you've known it all along noah you've known it

all along i'm looking forward to having more of these conversations with you and i really think you should read like make this the one book that you finish no i'm going i was joking i really am gonna keep reading this one because it already is you know i always think i know what's's going to be in it because I've heard my friends talk about this book so much. But I've already learned so much. And I sent pages to Andrew yesterday when we were traveling. So he knows all about this. Let's get him in here. Andrew!

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The ability to approach somebody and make them experience desire for you in minutes or even hours is a rare and rather unnecessary skill, historically speaking. The Happiness Lab's How-To Season starts January 1st. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Happy holidays from me, Michael Rapoport. And my gift to you is a free subscription to the I Am Rapoport Stereo Podcast, where I discuss entertainment, sports, politics, and anything and everything that catches my attention. I am here to call it as I see it. And there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these days. Here's a clip from one of my favorite episodes. You are not a real fighter.

You will never be discussed anywhere in boxing history ever. Fake Paul. The movie is The Apprentice and the movie is about young Donald Trump and his apprentice, Roy Cohen. Real character, obviously, both are real characters. It kind of has a Scarface vibe to it, which I thought was very interesting. Listen to the I Am Rap Report Stereo Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcasts. Can you hear it? It's the whisper of two wolves inside you. One says, you're not enough.

The other says, keep going. You can do this. They're not enough. The other says, keep going. You can do this. They're always talking. The one you listen to shapes your life. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. On my podcast, we explore how to hear the voice that matters, the one that leads you to courage, wisdom, and love. It's not about perfection.

It's about direction. Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now it's your turn. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Andrew. What's up? I was just saying that you're a Stevie Wonder of assholes. Oh.

That was between us and Stevie. It was so funny. Oh, my God. That's maybe the funniest thing you've ever said, and you've said some fucking funny things, but, man, that was good. Oh, man, what a fun weekend. Whenever you're tired, you just don't,

you just say the funniest stuff when your defenses are down. I love when men are just like, when they just get jelly, and they just say weird stuff. I got to stop drinking coffee, I think. What do you mean? Just stay tired all day. Oh, right, right. Yeah. Yeah. It was so good. Are those new shoes?

Maybe. Are those the same ones that you got poop on too? No, these are same brand. They're Larry David's. Okay. I copy Larry David's style. Usually I wait for someone to die. He is older. I'm not getting in early. I just really appreciate his

style it's very clean it's laid back i think you know that's who i admire so i buy his shoes and i bought shoes this weekend did you tell him about the human shit no so i uh i bought uh echo shoes i was very excited about them i was wearing them for the first time on stage as you know i like to subtly uh bring attention to myself through new things and tell you how great they are and i was in the green room and i was like look hey you like these shoes huh these larry davids yeah yeah he points them out he goes look at my shoes and he puts them up on the couch and he's showing us like they're brand new and then all of a sudden there's a smell there's a smell like there's shit i smell shit and sure enough i look on the bottom of my shoe

and larry david shit i stepped in larry david shit i think and yeah there's a lot of shit on my shoe betty got on the couch when he put his feet up on the couch to show us the shoes how do you know it's human you can tell tell. After living in New York 10 years, I could tell any. I could tell you what kind of ethnicity. Of the food they ate? Yeah, yeah. Oh my God.

I believe this was a- It is a different smell. Huh? Human shit versus dog shit. If you live in a city- Which I don't know why we are so much more grossed out by human shit than dog shit because if we're talking about food, human food

is good. Dog food is so gross yet dog poop. Do you know what I'm saying? Why don't we get grossed out by dog poop? Grossed out? I just made up a word. I love that word. Grossed out more. I think that for me I think what probably happens is it's

connected with probably disease. So I think I could get a disease from, it's like if I was bit by an animal as opposed to a human, I'd be more scared about getting bit by the human because they could give you hepatitis or whatever. So you feel like you're more connected to the other shit. I would not even think about that. I know,

but I'm just saying that's probably what it is. But yeah, you're biologically, it's probably, yes, there's more chance of disease in this. And I think we've had less exposure to human shit than i mean our own yeah you've tasted your own or i've picked up millions of dog shits i've picked up not one other person's dog shit or human shit i mean if you're a parent though you get really into that's a good point

baby shit but baby shit doesn't sometimes it stinks so bad that's your baby though yeah oh my god yeah you don't care at all yeah but if i had to fucking pick up someone else's baby shit even if i was a babysitter yeah and it was gross baby shit yeah i used to baby shit did you have to wipe the baby yeah what are you just gonna let him shit that's a good point i never thought of that yeah you should get paid extra you should that should be insert up charge for each diaper you have to change should should be if i was a babysitter i would say that's a deal though yeah just like yeah it is a little weird to like get in there and have to like get in there but you just treat it like your own just like yeah amy has a really funny joke about wiping her

niece's vagina and just being like i forget what she says but how it's just like just don't think about it like just i remember when i i had to um there was this thing on uh not safe that we did the show i had on comedy central where we made guys dick pics like better oh yeah and we put little like yeah models on their penises like these big dioramas and they had a little hole in the diorama and then we would put the diorama on their belly and like they put their dick through it and then their dick would be like in the white house or it'd be like taking a bath or it'd be like riding a bike in paris with a little baguette i wanted the dick to be the baguette in the bag of the man riding the bike

long story so anyway i think if sorry if i've told this before but the day before the shoot they realized that these big you know models that they had made the the dioramas were too big for the men to actually reach around the model and then place their penis and position it in the bathtub with the cucumbers on its eyes so that someone else would have to handle these penises and pull them through the hole and put them next to the locker like asking the girl to prom one had a backpack on i don't know what we were thinking so everyone was like we're not doing it the art department was like that's not our job and i immediately was like no it is not i've i've done this this is my problem i'll do it i didn't want to do it but i put on gloves and I had to pick up these limp penises

and hold them and like position them touch penises all day many penises and this is I do not touch penis like that's not something I've done in my life yeah especially a flaccid a man's flaccid penis not like you know little boys when you're wiping them when you're a babysitter

I've done that before but I had never handled a man's penis and even to this point like you know this was boys when you're wiping them when you're a babysitter. I've done that before, but I had never handled a man's penis. And even to this point, like, you know, this was years ago. I wasn't like, actually, I'm, you know. Did you have to shoot these guys an email saying, look, before you come in, just know that. No, they knew. How did they know? They knew though.

We put out a Craigslist ad of like, do you want your penis featured on this Comedy Central show? Yeah, but they didn't know that their penis was going to have to be touched by the host. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I'm just saying like where they... I think they were definitely told. The idea of an email, like a very professional email, like Nikki Glaser will have to pull on your flaccid...

So how did it feel to have a flaccid random cock in your hand? I just... What I said, I was like, I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor. Like just treat it like I'm a doctor. And so I kept saying, I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor the whole time I was doing it and does that work and then I surgically removed

it um no it did it did work because I had to like disconnect from it being a sexual thing the same way like I was reading this subreddit about um it is impressive you gave yourself doctor and not nurse like you went through all the schooling thank you yeah i like that you were i love taking on a i'm a doctor i'm a 19 year uh i'm a senior doctor at like i love that it's even more like you're like i've won many awards i'm a prostitute i'm a prostitute i'm a prostitute i'm a nursing home uh you know what it would aid i'm a nursing home aide i'm a nursing home aide i'm just a random woman grabbing dicks random woman grabbing dicks yeah um i so i uh what was i gonna say oh yeah i was reading in the subreddit about doc you know surgeons and how they are so if you ever watch a surgery they're

like they're really like they like knock there was this guy that oh i remember the reddit it had a guy that had like a fucking arrow through his face and they were using a sledgehammer to knock it through and pull it through because it had spikes on the other end if they tried to rip it out the other way so they had to pull it through push it through and they were like and it was so rough and everyone's like god why are they so rough and they go if you ever watch a surgery video they're like they're like I remember always watching, I never wanted to get liposuction because whenever they would show it, they would be like, and it would be stretching out the woman's skin. And I'm like, that's the opposite of what this woman wants is her skin stretched out.

And they're like, and like boob jobs, they have to like open up, like they cut a thing around your nipple and then they like stretch that hole open so they can put in the thing. I'm just like, they're so rough. I know know my dad you have to do bone marrows transplants or whatever when you're a cancer doctor and you have to like go through the bone so they're just like you literally there's like an object and there's like they have to break through it like the human body i mean we're made to like be kind of not indestructible but like yeah but like yeah so what did you deem from that so like so then that i don't want that that you to be a surgeon you have to be kind of sociopathic you have to kind of um not they

that's what people were saying in the comments was that surgeons are often you know on the spectrum of sociopathy they're a little bit higher than the rest of us because they can't have feelings about what they're doing because you're just cutting open you know it's like serial killers do that too you know they they can dismember people and not feel anything and not feel they're dead doing it to a live body is even sometimes they're dead i mean i've you don't read the things I do. God, I don't know why you read those before you go to bed. I don't know because I just, there's some part of me now that I'm like, oh, it's not going to happen to me.

Like I've aged out of being like the kind of girl that'll be kidnapped and murdered or something. I don't know what it is. I don't go running at night anymore. I don't go like, I don't meet people for things on Craigslist. I do know that I could be murdered, uh, you know, even last night coming back late,

going to the, uh, in our parking garage. I was like feeling safe in our parking garage because we have, you know, you have to have a key to enter it, but someone could creep in there very easy. I mean,

it would be fine. And you can fucking strangle me. And I was listening to taylor swift 10 minute all too well and i was like oh my god that'd be so weird if i got strangled and my earbuds were in and i died listening to taylor swift i had that thought isn't that fun yeah it's an interesting thought considering like you could probably be strangled 19 different times during that song so long like it's like can you strangle me toward like a nine minute 45 seconds so i can at least hear the end like i just would want to get to the the new ending because that's my

favorite part of the song oh well that ends well that would be a good part no my favorite part is uh and i was never good at telling jokes but the punchline goes, I'll get older, but your lovers stay my age. I came home instantly last night because I'm learning how to play that song and do all the different strumming patterns that she does and all the stuff. And I got through it all last night and I taught myself it. I'm so excited. But Jesus Christ, I can't hold a pick for the fucking life of me it's still i don't know i just don't want to it does not sound good your fingers no i just can't get a good grip on it and it doesn't feel like it's strumming the strings

efficiently and it just does it's not a thing that plagues any other guitarist except me i'm wrong pick you know i have used a million different picks i've used different grips on picks i i've studied every youtube video about teaching how to hold a pick supposed to hold it with your thumb and your pointer finger and your pointer finger is supposed to go kind of to like point out of your thumb like a right angle and i can not hold it that way i want to hold it how do you hold it my pointer finger and my middle finger. No one does that.

No one else does that. I haven't seen anyone really do that. No. Maybe your fingers are just too skinny. I don't... No, they're not. I do have a weird kind of like bent first finger. So maybe that has something to do with it.

But what is two fingers? Does that mean then you're putting pressure so you're not going to get it? There's just an efficient way to play and that ain't it. Like I just know that it's... It's not a mental block. But I do hold my pencil a very weird way.

Yes. And it has never held me back from writing. I mean, yeah. So. I mean, I'm sure you've tried the other way, or tried the correct way. I try it in the middle of it, and then it flicks out of my hand, or I try to... Sometimes I'm like, oh, I should super glue it and see if it if it can stay so I might do that I literally might super glue it to my finger if anyone out there has suggestions

for me on how to hold a pick and has ever struggled with it can't answer quite don't don't write me actually because I know you're gonna write me the things I've already read yeah unless you have a true breakthrough method or you just hold the pick in a different way and you're gonna make me feel better about holding it this way don't write me because I just I don't know what to do well I was going to say does it slide out does it yeah it does

but it's not because it's like sweaty or something it's because the grip is weird and I just don't like the way it hits the strings it sounds bad to me what if they told you to grow out your fingernails can I give you a suggestion of what you might be able to do?

When you hold the pick and the point is the thing that hits the strings, if you turn it around and use the curved part, see if that makes it sound better. Okay. It often just turns during the whole time I'm playing a song. It will just spin in my finger.

Maybe you're strumming too hard. I'm not strumming hard enough sometimes. You've got to keep strumming. It'll correct itself. Just keep strumming. It's been a year, and it has not improved. Everything else in my game has improved except that. It's just so weird.

It's like my inability to understand football. It just won't stick it's this thing that everyone else that plays guitar doesn't seem to struggle with and it bothers me yeah someone the other day was talking about how do you play an a and i'm like what do you mean he's like how do you get all your fingers to fit i'm like an a is the easiest chord you could ever play and there's this whole discussion about yeah i struggled with struggled with it too. And I'm like, an A? It's just the three strings. Well, some people do it with one finger. That's how I play it.

And then do you mute the bottom string? Or the top string? Yeah, yeah. No, no. I just mute the three strings with my one finger. No, no. You play those. You press those. Yeah, I press those. But what about the one that's underneath? I just don't hit it. Oh, okay. I don't know. Maybe I have chubby enough little hands to work.

But I think you do want that one to ring out clear for a perfect A sound. Correct, Noah? Yeah. Modified. It's not perfect. What is? Emily Ratajkowski. I can find faults in her.

Really? Yeah. No. Physically? Physically? Mm-hmm. Oh, wow. Her? Yeah. No. Physically? Mm-hmm. Oh, wow. Her stomach?

You're not into that? I could tell you what I'm sure other people have pointed out, but I don't mind it. Her belly button. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The fact that you know it, though. I mean, that's the... Well, when there's only one flaw. It doesn't bother me.

I don't say it's a flaw i'm just saying when i've been the skinniest i've been your stomach has it's so taut yes being pulled so taut that your your your belly button starts you know like okay say take your belly button right now yeah if you push it if you push the skin it starts to come out like mine yeah yours does yeah mine so when you get skinny it starts to like like, come out and protrude, and I think that's why, because she's just so thin, naturally. Yeah, and I just think she was born, like, some people, when they get their

umbilical cord cut off, they just cut off a little, it's just a bigger circle. Look, I'm picking out the one, like, I think people can handle it, you know what I mean? I'm not saying you can't. I think my belly button's the only thing that isn't bad about it. Let me see yours. You can't even see it.

Oh, yeah. That's good. That's a good one. I mean, do you prefer an innie or an outie? I mean, that's the thing. Definitely an innie. I have like, I can push my belly button and I feel it on my penis. It is weird when you push it.

Can you feel anything in your vagina? It goes like, hold on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But not like that. Jesus Christ. No way. No, but I can't.

Ah! Ah! Stop, stop. They're going to hurt people's ears. Come on now. Think of our friends. Okay, my tip of my penis, though. I really can't feel it on there.

Let's get to the news. You heard it here first. Great news the news. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, man. I hope you guys had a great weekend out there. Had all the swells. It's Monday.

You know what that means. It's Monday. We had a great weekend in San Fran and Portland. And next weekend, we will be finishing the tour in outside Philadelphia and Richmond, Virginia. Yeah. I'm going to a Taylor Swift listening, like a Taylor Swift party in Philadelphia on Friday. I'm so freaking excited.

Or maybe it's on Saturday. I'm so freaking excited. There's one in St. Louis on Friday that I'm missing. But they're happening all over the place now. It's so great. Just a bunch of Swifties go and sing and dance to her songs. I mean, I've never been so excited for something in my life. The company.

And that's not true. The company formerly known as Facebook Meta. God, I hate that name for some reason. Wait, Facebook changed its name? To Meta. Facebook Inc. Yeah. Wait, the company itself.

So Facebook is still Facebook. It's like you say I'm on Facebook, right? But the company that owns Facebook is now Meta? Yeah. I saw this in the news and I didn't pay attention to it. I just saw a bunch of Meta stuff and I was like, I don't care. I hate the word Meta. I don't know why.

Just like, just gives me something. Ask users to send nudes in order to prevent them from being used as revenge porn on Facebook or Instagram. Wait, what? So people, they're asking people to send in their nudes as well as them fucking. So then the computer can recognize their body. So then if someone randomly tries to share it, it will get shut down because the computer will recognize it. So the computer is going to keep it safe and protect you from having it shared elsewhere. And by computer, we mean a guy named Jeff who – Are people doing this?

I mean, you got to trust – I mean, we don't even trust Facebook with Russian intelligence. You're going to send them your pussy? I don't know. That's insane. So they just want I mean they pretty much already have all that stuff if you know the cloud you keep if you keep any

yeah I mean it's wild it's wild to think like we're getting ahead of someone else releasing your nudes but there are I mean we live in an age where sending a dick pic or sending tits is like second nature now. It's just the way it's done.

I cannot believe how many pictures of tits and asses that the guy I'm seeing has received from women before he even meets up with them. Girls, what is going on here? I mean, it's like, yeah, on Succession last night. I mean, I love sending that stuff, but I send it to guys that deserve it. I've sent stuff before to one guy, I remember. He was wanting me to send him things because he kept sending me stuff, and I was like, okay. And I sent him an old picture that I sent to someone else,

and I said, this was not taken for you by the way i wanted him to know like don't think that i just took this this is what i'm capable of but this wasn't for you because you don't deserve it yet and this is how nfts were created don't give them things you know what i mean what do you mean like the original guy got the nft like this guy just got a copy that's so funny yeah he got the Van Gogh where it's like just... Nice fucking titties. I don't understand why women do this so fast. I mean, yeah, when I was single, they lead with tits.

Did that guys though... Don't you get a bunch of dick pics in your DMs, Nikki? Yeah, you get a lot of dicks never i would never entertain dating those men but those guys just send their dicks around too but they want to just fuck i think these girls want boyfriends ultimately maybe some of them just want to fuck but i think why don't i just wouldn't i don't think i think girls sometimes do things to get guys to like them and it actually does the opposite it'll get their attention in the short term but it ultimately that guy is gonna think you're sending those to everyone if you just send them so fast to him i guess the problem is and he'll bang you but i don't think he's gonna want to marry not maybe

you don't want to be married though i don't want to you know insinuate that every woman wants a relationship yeah i think i think it's just kind of like sport fucking at that point well i would Maybe you don't want to be married, though. I don't want to insinuate that every woman wants a relationship. Yeah, I think it's just kind of like sport fucking at that point. Well, I would just go post it on fucking Reddit and blur your face and get so much attention. If you just want attention from guys to say you're hot and stuff and take pictures, I get that. Yeah, but I think it's quantity over quality at that point. You're picking the person that you want the attention from because you like them no these girls are sending it i know as soon as they match well that well that's a different thing they're sending it on dating apps i i think that yeah like when they start tech you know when you go from dating app to texting yeah texting but i guess people are just horny out there and

if you look good and you've got the pictures and it's gonna get a guy to want to fuck you why not well that's the thing is like you get all these tits and dicks sent to you and then you're like well as a guy see the difference is i think as a guy then we're like almost like a girl it's like oh you're like i don't want you like but you know but then what will happen is is then you go, oh, let's send pictures back and forth. And they're like, what? You creep? It's like, wait, I just got 40 tits and now we don't want to send tits.

And I'm sure. Wait, what do you mean? Like, if you're a guy and you're a celebrity at all, you get a ton of tits sent your way if you're single. Right. And so then you say it to a girl that isn't quite into that. And she's like, what the fuck? Yeah.

That's what I'm saying. It's like, I, I, I don don't i feel like maybe i'm getting defensive i tend to do this when i'm i'm not someone when i don't do it and i'm like i don't want to have to do that yes because i don't want to have to do that i'm not going to um because i like that you are like saying it like someone's like give it to you i'm not gonna do it yeah they have and i won't't do like the most i've done is like i open my mouth and i'm like i'll do that i'll be like why is that more because a guy will be like jerking off yeah a guy's jerking off and he's telling me about it via text and i'm he's like just send me a picture i'm like no no i'm not gonna send you a tit or something and so i just am like i

point on my face you just make a target for them. Yeah. It's very hot, but it's not going to be anything that can be used against me. I like that you send a quirky face. I'm like boarding a plane. I'm like, it was literally on a tarmac once. Oh, I caught you freaking sending nudes backstage. Oh, yeah.

Not even backstage. This is like next to the stage. Next to the stage. On the steps. Yeah. I was. I just took out a nipple. It wasn't like...

I knew I could cover it up even if you walked. It would be so fast you wouldn't even know what you saw. I didn't see anything. No, you didn't see anything. I saw you go... I was like... It's not a tit. It's't see anything. No, you didn't see anything. I just saw you go. I was like. It's not a tit. It's not a tit.

No, you didn't. I did it in a way that you could not have, you would not have seen anything. A report shows that the Toyota Prius hybrid is a magnet for thieves, especially the 04 to 09 models. There's a thing called the catalytic converter. How do you know that?

Wow. Because that's what thieves steal more than anything in cars. Yeah. How do you not know that? No one knows that. Yes, they do. A catalytic converter? You say it like you know other parts of the engine.

Name another thing in an engine. The carburetor? Oh, my God. The carburetor. Okay, keep going. I want to see where this is. The torquing. The lug nuts. Okay, lug nuts.

The filter. Okay. The suspension bridge. That's a structure keep going the access terminal drive i don't know that's all i'm out okay so so the cadillac converter catalytic catalytic converter is an essential part of the exhaust system it can go for a thousand dollars when so they sell it to scrap like yeah so like these fucking places one stolen off his car and that's why you don't leave your car in a parking lot like overnight because they they go and they just take them all and there's certain models of

cars that they just like love to take those and your car can drive it'll just be really really loud oh really yeah it was so funny i went to go go take my mom's car in for an inspection, you know, like to get the fucking, what is it, the environment on board with your car? Yeah. So you can get the plates renewed. And I went in and I got an oil change too. For the suspension bridge, yeah. I go, if I need an oil change, will you just throw one in too?

And he was like, sure. So he checked it and he called me and he goes, yeah, you were low two quarts of oil. So I topped that off and looks like your gaskets, I might need to replace the gaskets for the thing. And I go, so I'll have a price quote for you when you come pick it up. So I tell my mom and she goes, you don't get those. And I go, I'll do it if it needs it. And so I go and he's like, let me just go check the price.

And he's like, so that's going to be $1,200. And I go, um, no. So it's just leaking oil. He goes, yeah, it's leaking oil. I mean, that's why you need an oil change. And I go, but also I've been driving, like, you know, you're supposed to get an oil change every 4,000 miles, 5,000 miles. It was like 3,500.

He's like, so I go, why don't I just get more frequent oil changes then? And I go, wouldn't that be cheaper? And he's like, yeah. I was like, okay. You got him. $1,200 or just go get an oil change twice as much. And I go. Maybe you are a doctor.

I go, doesn't that make sense though, dude? Because I go, an oil change is like 60 bucks. What is it? 35, 60 bucks at most. And I go, and it's annoying to have to go, but $1,200 to just fix. He goes, but you're leaking oil. And I go, but it seems like you just get more. And he's like, yeah, I guess you could.

I bet you also there's someone listening right now being like that should be like a 200 thing i know like he's just putting gum on it you know like i don't know what they do i mean it's i don't no one looks into it like i'm glad that you called him out on that he had really dirty i really liked his dirty hands i like a guy when they have like, when they've been working on a car hands. This guy, I was attracted to his hands when he's like typing in the keys. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the keyboard has grease on it too. And they always type with two fingers.

I love that. What do you want? I didn't know I would be horny for dirty hands. Would you make him wash his hands before you fuck? Yeah, because grease, like you get it off, you get off all like as much as you can. But that turns you on though. I feel like- No, it doesn't all come off though. It's like a Sharpie before you fuck? Yeah, because grease, you get it off as much as you can. But that turns you on, though. I feel like-

No, it doesn't all come off, though. It's like a Sharpie. It absorbs in your skin. Would you let him finger you? Yeah. All right. Lube it up. It's already lubed up.

Speaking of that, an eminent gynecologist was arrested in Italy. Eminent. Eminent means like it's definitely going to happen. E-M-I-N-E-N-T. Eminent. Eminent. Some guy, by the way, a fan of ours, I guess, like listens to the pod. I don't know if you heard him.

He goes, I like the pod. It's pretty funny. Famous or respected? Sorry. He goes, it's pretty funny. And I go, okay, cool. And like the way he said it i already knew like he was i don't know he just i don't know if he had it like any mental issues but he's like you know you're pretty good on it like that like everything's like is that a was that a show the meet and greet and then he goes he goes yeah you're like a, like a, like your character, like you're a fucking idiot. And I was like, thanks.

Like it was so like. Oh no, I remember what he said. That was not what he said. He goes, why isn't this guy famous? He's so funny. No, no. Are you, are you not trying? That was a different.

Okay. That's a different guy. That was funny. That was funny though. How are you not famous earlier? How were your dog walkers so long? Were you not trying? Is that true?

Were you not trying? Is that true? Were you not trying? But the other guy goes, you're a fucking idiot. I like, you know, that's like what you play. And I was like, I sure am. Did you see my post yesterday where that guy complimented my legs? Oh, yeah. And your knees got like a two. My knees are a 2.5.

My calves are an eight. My thighs are a 10. I'm just like, he thought he was being charming. He wrote this. After he was being charming he wrote this after i posted he wrote all these paragraphs i didn't even read them he's like either nikki or whoever is your assistant is and i just stopped reading i'm just like i know you were trying to get my attention by being like roasty and it's like the opposite i know it's that's why i love our fans our actual fans they never say shit like that. Well, someone wrote a comment on our pod saying, like,

if you compare the comments on your actual. We posted the same picture on both things. It's so different. If you go to Nikki's actual page versus our fan page or the pod page, it's literally night and day. It's fucking wild. Yeah, that's why i don't feel safe going live on my own like that's why i do everything i do i really just want to do on nikki glazer

i just feel so much freer more followers more problems that's what biggie said before he got shot that's true an imminent gynecologist eminent eminent it means famous or highly regarded uh m&m gynecologist was arrested on suspicion of tricking patients into having sex with him, claiming he could prevent cancer with his magic flute. Oh, God. He was telling women that he could because he had the booster or the vaccine for HPV, that if they fuck him, then their HPV would either go away or he would never get it. Or they would never get it. I mean, obviously this guy's disgusting, but if you're falling for that,

I mean, it sounds like you're consenting. Like guys can say whatever they want to get you in bed, but it doesn't. But if he's a doctor, then it's different. I mean, yes, it's not professional. I mean, it's wild. But also, why wouldn't they just get the vaccine? I don't know why they would use the penis

to then get the vaccine. Man, I've been looking use the penis to then man i am i've been looking so he got caught i kind of want to i like um porn where the girl's going in for a thing and like the doctor kind of gets a little bit pervy is that wrong no it's not wrong i mean it sounds like you want the magic flute no i don't want't want that. I like when they're just like, oh, like when they just like, the girl's like, I don't think you're, but she like kind of likes it. Reluctant porn. Yeah. But I didn't know, like I've been trying to, whenever I type in doctor, creepy doctor,

it's always like a guy that just starts like fucking the girl right away. I'm like, no, I want it to be very creepy and insidious. You also type it in on ZocDoc, which is interesting. Yeah. creepy and insidious. You also type it in on ZocDoc, which is interesting. Yeah, and there's none that will take my insurance. And they're booked out until fucking April 2023. It's bullshit.

What specialty are you looking for? Blue cross, blue balls. All right, let's get to... Let's take a break and then we'll come back with Why Do I Care? 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities.

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You are not a real fighter. You will never be discussed anywhere in boxing history, ever. Fake Paul. fighter you will never be discussed anywhere in boxing history ever fake paul the movie is the apprentice and the movie is about young donald trump and his apprentice roy cohen real character obviously both are real characters it kind of has a scarface vibe to it which i thought was very interesting listen to the i am rap report stereo Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcasts. Can you hear it? It's the whisper of two wolves inside you.

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Why do I care? Fuck. Shawn Mendes releases a... And Camila Cabello broke up. Yeah, and he released a breakup ballot two weeks after splitting with Camila. Camila. Camila Cabello broke up. Yeah, and he released a breakup ballad two weeks after splitting with Camila. Camila. Camila Cabello.

Shawn Mendes. What does Camila Cabello sing? Tell me anything about her. Wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah. La, la, la. La, la, la. Mimi Pie. wait yeah I don't know I was just thinking of a funny thing that would be like not sexy at all um so he wrote this and people think like you break up two weeks ago did he have time to write was the song already written produced and recorded like you can bust out a song in a day and you get it you know mixed and mastered and all that you know within two days i would say so we release the song can we hear it

uh no i don't have all of it but we can go over the lyrics yeah let's hear the if you tell me you're leaving i'll make it easy it'll be okay if we can't stop the bleeding we don't have to fix it we don't have to stay i will love you either way oh that's fucking pretty nice i love that yeah it was really nice and then he said i cheated on you no that's not true your stomach was weird no you never sucked my balls no that's what he wrote well then he you're right he should have taken a little more time um that's nice i like those lyrics i love that idea of like yeah that's that's how i always want to leave every relationship now it's like we're both better people we don't hate each other we want to be friends because if you if you like someone enough to have them in your life romantically like that's insane to just go to being nothing

yeah that's always made made me so not want the best for them because they didn't work with you or just to have that never talk to them again i understand that people get jealous and they don't want you hanging out with your ex or being friends. But I just if I feel like I don't want to date someone unless they would be someone I'd want to be friends with if we weren't fucking. I do feel like I could literally say, you know, honestly, I want the best for you. I want you to meet someone amazing. But I also don't need you at all in my life. Yeah.

Well, then you shouldn't have been with that person begin with because they don't because shouldn't you want shouldn't you like the person and be like and want them around like and what i want to be with someone i i will say that there have been times that i was able to just be like i unless we're fucking get out of my life but i don't want that in a relationship anymore like If someone is my boyfriend, I would want them to... They would have to start out as someone I would be best friends with. Anyway. And so now I feel like that's the way I'd want to part ways. I mean, it is like...

If he put out an album two weeks later, then I'd be like, okay, that's kind of a hot shot. I would love to have a song written about me. God damn it. I've had a couple. Don't. No, I don't want't want here give me a bitch or whatever you'll fucking write i don't need it i'm a buy you oh my god the other day i was crying about a guy and like being so sad and andrew was like well i love you nick and i

would just go like what was the sound i made you laughed so hard i'll tell you you were a real bayou bitch well i you thought i was placating you but i and of course everything's a placate when you think about it if you're trying to make someone feel better yeah you're placating to what their wants and needs yeah yeah maybe it didn't feel sincere well it's just you know it's like when like do i look fat you go no you don't look fat like it's like they felt like that yes yes where it's like i would rather you just say i don't look fat like that'd be so weird to just apropos of nothing you just say hey you don't look fat right now and you'd go it's so funny to tell someone like you don't look fat at all i wasn't feeling fat

no but you but i just wanted you to know you don't look fat you don't you really don't what all right uh let's get to our segment uh every monday we do uh i don't know why i said it like that top one bottom one what's the subject this week noah i love this uh chosen by and. Salad topping. Salad topping. What is your least favorite salad topping? Andrew? I'd have to say just regular onions. Oh, like a white onion.

Just one of those, like, they don't have any pizzazz. It's just like, they just look like fucking, like, worms, kind of, that are flat. Yes. And they're, like, wet for some reason, but I don't even know why they're wet. And I don't know if it adds any. I like a red onion on a sandwich. Like, if it's a red onion cut up. Oh, yeah. Red onions have a little zest to them.

A white, bland, thick onion. Or it's, like, the thin ones. The thin ones that have, like, no weight to them. Oh, I like those. And they're just like, oh, you want that in your salad? It's like, no, I don't want to fucking onion up. I like a fried onion, those little onion things. Yes, those are great.

Yeah, but yeah. But yes, like a raw onion. Get it out of here. What are you even doing in my salad? Get it out. Get out of here. Get away from my fucking beets, you bitch. Goodbye, you bitch.

Okay, Noah, what is your least favorite salad topping? It's going to be very controversial, but the crouton. Crouton. Now listen, I wouldn't mind a crouton, but I usually,

I just like, bread is not where I want to get my calories from. So I just go, no, I don't need that. Why not the crouton for you? I don't like, I find that they just have like a weird aftertaste. I also, I don't know, like if I'm eating a salad,

I'm not looking for bread. I don't know, I'm just looking for vegetables. Okay. There are a lot of salad places that give you a big ass thing of bread with your salad, which obviously if we're here for salad we probably are trying to not eat as much bread yes and they're like oh here you go like anytime they put croutons and i'm trying to like diet or anything i'll not eat the croutons until the

end and then i'm like i'll just do one and then i eat all the croutons at the end yeah yeah i always do that too um what's yours yeah what about what about you? Mine, I mean, I have so many. Being a vegan, like any kind of, but these are things that truly gross me out. And I think the top prize is going to be, and this is also, first of all, green olives are the grossest olive. I don't like black olives either, but green olive is disgusting.

They're not usually in salads, but definitely I don't want those in my salad. Now, what's the difference to you in your mouth for a green versus black olive green is like texture a little bit slimier okay and has that red thing in it and i don't like that that's like a dog's penis yeah i don't like it i hate it um no my least favorite thing by far is a cherry tomato. Cut it up. Cut it up. I don't want that thing bursting in my mouth like a big old beetle that I pulled out of a fucking rotted log in the rainforest.

I'm not fucking Pumbaa. But you like Gushers. I love Gushers, but just the snap and the squirt, it just reminds me of a big, fat, juicy beetle. It's a lot because every other part of the salad kind of goes down pretty easily. And that one just goes crunches and then it ruins. It splashes and just soaks. It's like a balloon popping all over your fucking bite. I don't like it.

And it's too circular. It's like almost eating a balloon. It's like a little balloon. Yes, I cut that. Get out of here. Okay. And I slice them. So it's not one of the things i will remove from the salad but i will have to you know slice it up uh andrew what

is your favorite salad topping man this is tough because i was gonna do i don't want to do meat because i just feel like that's too easy i think uh something like um, you know what's great? Craisins. Okay. I like a craisin, and I like kidney beans, which kidney beans might be the worst name for a food. Top 10, maybe. I just don't think. It really does nail the shape, though.

But it looks like it. I know. You can't deny it. Even though I only know that kidneys look like kidneys because of the kidney bean. Do they even look like? Are we just assuming that looks like a kidney? That's what I'm saying. I think that's where we go, oh my God, kidney beans really look like kidneys.

But it's only because we know kidney beans. Let's keep the body parts out of the name of the foods. How about that? I don't want a fucking intestine fucking broccoli. Yeah. Get it out of here. i like that noah uh i cannot have salad without nuts on it and what kind of nuts and my favorite i think would have to be like a candied walnut a candied walnut yes with craisins and listen we got. Listen, we got the sweetness in there. Yeah, that's a good one. A good crunch.

You got the oil with it, too. Like, it has like a... If you're ever... You know, any vegetable that is sauteed is going to be better. A fried onion is going to be better than a raw onion. It's just that... And the walnut takes the place of a crouton, if I'm going to be honest. Like, it takes... That's kind of what you want.

You want some crunch. It gives it some consistency. Yes. Your top one? My number one is a, what's it called? You put chickpeas, toasted chickpeas.

Interesting. Like fried chickpeas. Oh, the crunch, the health factor, the deliciousness, the consistency, the way they snap. Oh, the crunch, the health factor, the deliciousness, the consistency, the way they snap. They're so freaking good. Love those in a salad. They're not everywhere

though. It's hard to find a fried chickpea. If you find one, hold on to it. And make it a full, not a half salad. Yeah. Your favorite topping for a salad is just more salad. I love Brussels.

More lettuce. It was between Brussels sprouts, roasted Brussels sprouts, and roasted Brussels sprouts. Oh, yeah. And beets. I love beets. Brussels sprouts are good, but they give me heartburn. Beets, fantastic. Love a beet.

Can we, in our final thought, get into dressings? Oh, yeah. I could get into dressings. Okay. Let's do a bottom dressing. The Thai peanut dressing. That's your least favorite? No, it's my Okay. Let's do a bottom dressing. The Thai peanut dressing. That's your least favorite? No, it's my favorite.

No, I said bottom. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Bottom? Probably Italian. It's just like, what are we doing? It's like so boring. No offense. It's not.

It doesn't do anything for me. But it's about family. It is a PTSD. I get PTSD because my family, we do the time. God, I love an Italian dressing. I love a lighter vinaigrette type. I don't like a thick, creamy. Yeah, maybe that's the Italian I'm thinking of.

But although I'm a big fan of cream. Yeah, you love the creamy ones. Ranch, blue cheese, throw it in. All right. Noah, what dressing are you not a fan of? I think just anything with cilantro in it. Oh, I love cilantro. To me, I have the thing where cilantro tastes like soap to me when I eat it.

Oh, my God. Interesting. Whoa. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I think the grossest salad dressing is like a, yeah, any kind of like, oh, God.

I'm trying to think. Like a Thousand Island. Oh. Oh, yeah. Fantastic. Just like, you know, like. Yeah, Russian. I mean, I bet it's good.

I just have never even tried it. You know what it is? Because it just looks like what? Ketchup, mustard, and mayonnaise. Oh, I was right. Are you serious? Is that what it is? I mean, that's what i was told when i

used to make that concoction myself at camp gross i think there's like a red pepper involved in it too i think there's something else in there there that cannot be what it is that is horrifying oh and the tears of immigrants okay yeah yes which is just delicious no yes it's uh no yes no yes what's your top dressing my top dressing is from aladdin cafe in kansas city or in kansas city and uh so specific in where i used to work in college it's like this vinaigrette this greek dressing that they put on their greek salad if i'm gonna be if i'm going non-vegan here best salad topping feta cheese i fucking love feta cheese i love it um but yeah this it's this green vinegary like cucumber and oh my god it's so good aladdin cafe kansas city or lawrence kansas

gotta go there try that salad dressing my mouth is watering thinking about it yeah i think that top dressing god i mean i guess oh i kind of said it the or a tahini the peanut the Thai peanut like a tahini dressing oh tahini's fun but not tahini

miso miso there's this amazing kind of miso dressing that they sell in grocery stores or no carrot ginger

carrot ginger Japanese Japanese house style dressing is the best that orange fucking healthy crispy

light fresh oh that's my favorite because the carrot ginger number one because they'll bring out salad dressing is the best. That orange, fucking healthy, crispy, light, fresh. Oh, you know, it's good because the carrot ginger number one, because they'll bring out a salad. A lot of these Japanese restaurants,

it's just salad and just like a few carrots. Yeah. And you still eat the fuck out of it because the dressing. So like you're, that dressing is so tangy and sweet and light. And I'm like, that soup has salad in it. And I love it. You know what I mean? Yes. All right. We've really done it here. I'm like, that soup has salad in it, and I love it. You know what I mean?

Yes. All right, we've really done it here. I really like talking about food. I love it, too. Yeah. Did we just come up with, we got to have a new segment where we just. Food talk? Yeah, food talk.

I mean. It's so fun. It is, because it's so, we all like and dislike such different things. Yeah. Oh, I could go on for days. There's no food I, I mean, well, let's get into it maybe such different things. Yeah. Oh, I could go on for days. There's no food I... I mean, let's get into it maybe later this week. Yeah.

Things we truly detest and would never even... Food-wise? Yes, never even eat. There's one for me that a lot of people love, and I just... I wish I loved it, because it seems like it would be delicious to like it. And there are some that I hated as a kid,

despised, and they've made a comeback. If you're holding on to things that you didn't like as a kid, grow the fuck up. Try it now as an adult. Stop it. You're a child. Oh, you didn't like onions as a child? No one likes fucking onions as a child. Hey, I just brought that up.

Start trying. But you like them sautéed. Some people go, I don't even want them. just stop this little childish picking things off thing just eat it just try it and then if you don't like it then then we can talk i don't do avocado it's weird how they cut it get out of here oh is that what people say no i just made it up avocado does kind of bum me out in a salad because it is too mushy it's just not a good consistency unless you mix it in with a dressing and like you know make it like yeah you know creamy true yeah but just like itself it's just like i like it i like it has no it's like when i

put a chicken with avocado is an apple that you bite into and it goes oh it's not crunchy yeah i like to go and then you crack it off the Although the Apple Macintosh, which is a smaller Apple, has a softer feel to it. I'm a fan. All right. Well, there you have it. Thanks for listening, guys. That's your Monday show, I guess. That was fun.

It was like a relaxing little lazy river of a show. I really felt like I was in a lazy river. I do feel like people like lazy rivers in their life. While you're driving, nothing better. Yeah. I was in a lazy river. I do feel like people like lazy rivers in their life. While you're driving, nothing better. Yeah, it's just like mundane, soft,

not really that challenging conversation. talking about molestation? Yeah, probably. Did we talk about that? No. Oh, well,

let's talk about it real, no. I hope we touched you guys today and not in that way. Thank you so much for listening. We love you so much and we're just kidding.

I mean, not. Just kidding. Yeah. And don't be And Jack The Jack

Jacqueline Kennedy Ripper I did Jacqueline Kennedy You did I did the Ripper The other day Alright ready Let's do it again

Jack Kidney beans John Stewart is back At the Daily Show And he's bringing His signature Jack and the Beanstalk. Jack. Kidney beans. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors.

And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season.

But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, Eve, Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You gotta check them out.

Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers.

You are cordially invited to the hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing,

and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love.

Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.