The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #147 First and Last?

Episode Date: December 9, 2021

Between you and Nikki, she is catching the winter blues, so much that her mouth turns into a jazz saxophone. Andrew is a little sick, which makes them ponder a great question about thermometers. They discuss the upside of men being sick and wearing masks. You Heard It Here First! guess the murder weapon, murky history, elderly modern approach to entertainment and JLaw's annoyance is understandable. They not only Finish Each Other's Sentence about what's in the smallest pocket of their travel bag they take a look as well. In the Final Thought they play "Answer The Internet". Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Bad Choices podcast every Wednesday on the Black Effect Podcast Network, the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you go to find your podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello. Here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast.

My glasses are crooked. So be it. Welcome to the show. It's Wednesday's show. Feeling sluggy today. Starting off a little sluggish. I think both Andrew and I are like, oh, today. What are you feeling like, Noah? What sound is your body making? My sound? I don't know. I guess it's all as well as well. yeah. I'm like in hibernation mode. This is what happens to me at the start of every winter. Do you think you're in that mode too?

Yeah, maybe that's it. Yeah, I'm feeling just not wanting to get out of bed, wanting to go back to dreamland, like just wanting to stay horizontal and like thank God for having a dog that like needs to be walked because I could have just kept on going today. And I definitely pushed it as far as it could go. Luigi is so patient.

Like he just waits for me to even, you know, a lot of dogs like wake up their owners and he just will patiently wait. Like Marion will be like up in my face, like licking and being like, and like it itch like she'll just make noises so that i will eventually wake up which is like a smart dog obviously but luigi is just he knows like he respects my time and a little too much where i'm like come on buddy like get me out of bed um he'll just like look at me and wait and he'll wait he would wait forever he would just hold it um before but then i go to the bathroom and i brush my teeth and I wash my face. He doesn't even get excited about going out yet. He will contain it.

And then as soon as I'm done with that, he starts wagging his little tail and then he jumps down from the bed and he's ready to go because he knows I am. He's just so good at like reading energy. I really appreciate you, Luigi. You're a good boy. But you're also a burden. And no, he's not, actually. He's so easy. I was just talking to you before the show started about how I just, I mean, I've said this before, but like, I don't know. I'm just wondering why I can't be more productive on these weeks where I like don't I'm not you know being followed around

by cameras anymore I'm not my schedule isn't completely jam-packed with things and I've just turned into such a lazy slugabug I'm just like I just want to play guitar or I want to um I don't know watch the morning show or that's it. Can we talk about yesterday? I went on Instagram and lucky for me, I saw Nikki Glaser pod going live. I know. I knew that Andrew wasn't home because I had just texted Andrew to help me

with a file. So lo and behold, I click on Nikki Glaser Pod, and you're playing guitar and singing. I was just, like, so in the mood to play. And I just know for me, like, I will, I want to just practice performing a little bit more and like you know my friends don't want to fucking hear me perform my family doesn't care too like they get bored everyone gets bored and it's like yeah I mean a lot of people on Instagram live definitely got bored and that but I don't get um I don't get sad if I see the numbers go away because I'm just like oh people have like lives that they like. I sometimes am watching Instagram lives and I just have to go because my doctor appointment is ready.

They just called my name or whatever it is. So I don't get offended if numbers drop off. I don't feel like, oh, I'm taking up people's precious time. I just feel when you're bad at something, when you're learning a new skill and you need to practice in front of other people and like practice performing if it's a performative skill or whatever I have a real hard time with like forcing people to watch me and so I'm so lucky that I have a built-in audience that I've garnered through an actual talent I have and then I can take advantage of that but everyone's so nice and like supportive and then there's a couple guys that are just creeps that are constantly like saying weird stuff that I wish I could just

kick out of the room but um uh but everyone else is like so nice and there's tons of Swifties so I was just playing a bunch of Taylor Swift stuff so um it was just nice that there were so many Swifties in there that were like writing out the lyrics as I was like playing like you could tell they were like singing along and you know as a Swifty myself like I just know it would I would love to watch someone play Taylor Swift songs if I if there was that thing happening I might start a separate account actually that's just like a Swifty learning to play guitar and then it's just you just follow me and you get concerts every day if you want them. Well, besties and myself included were asking for a regular appointment. That's so nice.

I might do it. I mean, it's the most fun thing to do for me. And it doesn't – see, that feels like a giant waste of time for me, though, because I get done with that and I'm like that – well, it's not a giant waste of time. It feels very fulfilling. But I feel – why do I feel guilty about doing something that isn't what I'm like that well it's not a giant waste of time it feels very fulfilling but I feel why do I feel guilty about doing something that isn't what I'm dreading like why is it that the only times I feel good about what I've done is if I'm doing something I'm putting off do you know I mean

like or doing something that you don't enjoy yes if I don't enjoy it or yeah, if I've been dreading, if it's something I have to do and I'm dreading, doing that makes me feel so much more accomplished than doing something I actually enjoy. And the only time I really feel comfortable not doing anything is on a plane. And like reading a book that I, you know, that isn't, you know, even reading books to me is just an indulgent thing to do because I have deadlines right now. Like I'm supposed to be writing a book, not reading one. There's so much stuff that I'm putting off. And I think I've just kind of fallen off of feeling really confident, like all the things that I usually talk about on this podcast and try to

get people to feel about themselves like I'm just having a dip in that recently like I think it's like winter blues also a hangover after having just accomplished a couple big things and just feeling you know like I've just been like I feeluggish. My clothes don't fit that well. I'm starting to have kind of like, I'm, I'm struggling right now. Cause I've probably gained like five to 10 pounds. And that's just a fact. It's like, it's not something bad. It's not, it's just a fact. And it always happens every winter to me. Always. I get, and this is my body does this it goes between you know five pounds underweight to 10 pounds over my like you know baseline where I feel my best that's just the way it goes and if you're feeling in my shoes because most people out there are like not happy with their bodies

unfortunately and if you are one of those I just want to say that I'm in your boat right now of like feeling uncomfortable in my skin like you know I have an itch on my stomach and I just want to itch it with a pencil so I don't have to like touch my stomach and feel how different it feels compared to two weeks ago I'm looking at pictures of myself now compared to two weeks ago or whatever it is and it's it's two weeks ago and maybe yours is two years ago and so you're like, Nikki, shut up. I'm 50 pounds overweight. What are you complaining about five to 10? It's all the fucking same

because it doesn't matter. It's like I really have to remember what I've said before and I know this has helped other people is that whatever I am right now, I'm meant to be. I saw a picture of myself that I went into the guy I'm dating's radio show yesterday.

And they posted a picture on their account. And I just look so like the worst version of myself. And they had a ring light and everything. And I'm just like, God, I look just not even old, just like not myself. Why is my mouth making a squeaking sound? Or is that buzzy? No, it's not buzzy. There's a squeaking noise coming from my mouth.

What is that? Do you have your Invisalign in? No. There's like something happening where I suddenly had like a reed from like a wind instrument in my mouth. That was so weird. God.

You guys go back and listen for like a little weird whistle okay i think there's like a piece of skin on my top of my roof of my mouth that's like catching the wind do you know what i mean wait where is it i feel it i do feel it and it just hit a vibration for a second gross i'm gonna i'm gonna isolate it and put it at the end of the oh my god no it's good like put it to some jazzy music of like a like it was seriously kicking um okay i think i dislodged it but it might return um yes as i was saying i just feel seeing yourself in the photo yes and i just i remember you saying something um early on when we were at that that made me feel really good about because i hate the way i look at every single picture but you said how like well in professional studios they have special cameras and it depends on the lens that you use and And it's only like one instance, one frame.

And you just don't like yourself in that one frame. But there could be other frames. Yes. When models take photos, it's like thousands of pictures. And then they choose the one out of thousands. So the chance that someone in a studio is going to take one picture and it's going to be one where you look good. Yeah. Doesn't help me because that is because I mean I'm glad it helped you and it is true but I it just showed

pieces of my face that I was just like oh your face is changing which it is like there's just no doubt about it and like I'm dreading seeing I don't watch the video from the show but even the still image that comes up on my YouTube like list of my face it just seems like my face is melting off and I look like just so tired and like it's it's hard for me to see that that image every day it's like it's rare and they pick such a good one they pick the best one they can find which is like so sad that I just can't look the way I want to anymore in in this setting I guess um but it just it just is what it is like it doesn't I can't try to control it or become obsessed with it I just have to just put my head down and like keep going. Like I just have to,

instead of fighting that wave that keeps crashing up of like you're ugly or like you're pale and you need to go get injections in your face. You need to go, you're not doing the right skin care. You're ugly. Like all these things that are, you're like, you're flabby. You need to run more. You need to eat less. All these thoughts that I have, I just dive underneath them and dodge them because it's just not going to like make my life better.

And that kind of self-hatred and those kind of steps that I would take to feel better never work. They work in the instant, but they don't work like in the long run starving myself in the long run is just gonna lead me to be wacky with food later on it's gonna lead me to be tortured I just know it might be a short-term fix but I want long I want to feel good all the time and I don't want to be fucking hungry um I just won't I don't want to be hungry I don't want to be uncomfortable and I don't um you know I I just have to accept that this is the way I'm supposed to look today and there's a reason for it and there's a reason that I'm 10 pounds overweight and it's because you know I couldn't I couldn't work out the past month and a half I didn't have time to

it's now cold I don't want to go for a run. It makes my legs itch. I am eating a little bit more because I'm feeling stressed out about deadlines I have. And that makes me feel comforted in a moment when I'm feeling stressed out. It's like there's nothing wrong with me that I'm overeating. That's a normal human reaction to stress. It's not wrong that I don't want to go to the fucking gym when I don't feel like it. That's a normal reaction. And what I can do and what I do do, do do, is, you know, I've been like, what did I do good that was yesterday that I did good for myself i play

guitar and i took a risk um you know going live on instagram and putting myself out there like that even though it's self-indulgent and maybe isn't like a good i just give you my observation as your friend watching that yes so what i really enjoyed because I love seeing people who are close to me, like in their element, radiating. And like I could tell that you were feeling joyful. And, you know, like in between the times that you were scrolling or you like lost your place in the guitar tab, when you were just like singing and playing the guitar, you looked so like in your element and just really enjoying yourself and that like transferred on to me like I could feel that joy through the the phone you know so I just want to say that I really appreciated that and I love to see you doing things like that for yourself yeah thank you

that that is like the happiest I can be is playing guitar and singing Taylor Swift. It's the happiest thing I know to do in this world. So – and I'm so grateful. Like today I got on a radio interview that I woke up late for and they were like, oh, so we hear you're a Swifty. And I was like, yeah. And they were like, why? What's wrong with you? Was that why – What did they say they were like because I was talking about

Comedians being insecure and I'm like anyone who says They're not is a bad comedian and they're Not telling the truth And they're like oh is that why you're Also Swifty and I was like yeah because She you know She's this woman on stage that radiates so much Confidence and is so sure of herself but at

The same time she sings about being insecure and that's her, the truth is coming out and I connect with it. And, um, they're like, well then why can't she keep a man? And I'm like, because first of all,

she can, she's been with the same guy for five fucking years. And, oh, I got so mad. And I was like, she, maybe,

maybe because it's hard to be date someone who's famous. And they're like, oh, I got so mad. And I was like, maybe because it's hard to date someone who's famous. And they're like, well, the guys that she dates are famous. And I'm like, right. It's hard to date those guys. And it's hard to be famous and be more famous than those guys and have them be threatened by it. And, like, it takes – oh, I just did it again. There's a little piece of skin that's making my mouth into a saxophone.

And then I go, and by the way, I just think that if you're single or dating around or haven't found the right person for years and years and years, it might not mean that you're broken. It might mean that you're doing it right. And then I went on my tirade about it. I'm like, I don't respect people who

are in marriages for 50 years most people in 50 year marriages just didn't have the balls to fucking leave because you know I I was at um which said the anecdote of I was at dinner with friends and there were six of us there three of us our parents were together three of us our parents were divorced and you know us with our parents together have this like, they're still together. It's such a good marriage. And I go, okay, out of us three that have our parents still together, how many of us are our parents sleeping in the same bedroom still? And only me. One out of those three.

So, by the way, that is to me five broken marriages. Just two that are still under the guise of like I'm still married just because people are married does not mean it's going well or just because they have a boyfriend doesn't mean it's going well there's this like whole like misunderstanding and just delusion that if you have a boyfriend you're somehow like more lovable than if you don't. And I think it's actually the opposite a lot of times. That people that are okay being alone, even though I said the other day, like having wanting a partner is not something that you should feel bad about or being codependent or what all those words like aren't necessarily a bad thing. Like we should want

partnership. But if you're alone and you're okay with it, or you wish you had a partner and you're trying, and you aren't settling for someone who's going to mistreat you or not meet your needs that you have, good for you. You seem to be a stronger person, that person that desperately just needed a husband to feel something. And I'm guessing that people that just want a boyfriend or want a husband, once they get it, what's next then? You filled that need. Are you whole now? Are you done? No, you're not done. Then you have kids. Then you have more kids. And then you can't

have kids anymore. And then what do you fucking do? And then you, you know, it's's we're constantly I'm not saying that I don't have things that I am addicted to or that give me purpose when I'm feeling like I don't really like myself enough yes I identify as different things that if those once I get meet those needs I'm like what else do I like I relate to mothers who threw themselves into being a mother and then they're like okay now my child's grown like what the fuck do I do I relate but I'm just saying you gotta stop putting a lot of perfection onto these people that have these perfect little families their perfect little photo sessions on Instagram and their love and their huggies and their cuddles like it's all it's not perfect there's just no way and that is a that is a great thing to have in your life

but just know that those people are very lonely too sometimes in those marriages in those relationships very very lonely more so than you person who has a world of opportunity out there and those people have only that person that they have to make it fucking work and a lot of times you you luck out and you have a perfect partner but but I think more often than not, it's not that way. And it's a lot of fucking work. Let's get into it more with Andrew. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities.

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What's up? What's up What's up I said we're sluggy buggy today We're both like sluggy wuggy buggy I'm sicky picky I know I saw I woke up this morning And Andrew was in the podcast room

I heard him sniffling And I go what are you doing in here Because he's usually in his room Or the kitchen And he said those areas were too hot And he's usually a guy that loves it hot In the house And I go too hot I'm hot I actually I guy that loves it hot in the house. And I go, too hot.

I'm hot. Actually, I'm not that hot. Can I feel your head? I think I'm good. On my head, I'm good. It's more of a snot thing. Yeah, you're a little warm. Yeah.

Yeah. But, you know, it's interesting because, like, anal? Yeah, only. You know for me it's only you know we go ass to mouth we'll be the first podcast whose uh host is putting a thermometer in their ass i don't know i feel like bobby lee has done that uh probably on most of good friends episodes i just love that your asshole and your your mouth run on the same temperature. Isn't that just funny? You would think your asshole would always be a little bit hotter than your mouth.

It is weird. That's so weird. It is weird. I never even thought about that. I didn't either until just now. Why would we take our temperatures anally? And how is it not on? And why don't they have one?

You know how they could do one where it just shoots your forehead? I mean, we all know that. Why doesn't it do it with your ass cheek? Next time we walk into a place. Is that the forehead of your asshole? Yes. Well, yes. Well, I mean, we all know that. Why doesn't do it with your ass cheek? Next time we walk into a place. That's the forehead of your asshole. Yes. Well, yes. Well, I guess, yeah.

The top of your asshole. Yeah. Or I think you got to get in there. I don't know. That isn't. No, I guess you don't because you do it on your forehead. Yeah. So maybe just a left cheek.

Also, no one care. It says like 40 degrees and people are like, oh, you're great. Oh, my God. The COVID check. I like you sniffily. It just sounds like you just sound vulnerable i i know when boys get sick they just sound like i'm a baby and i just makes me like you all more i know because it lets my guard down a little bit and i think brenna loved it yesterday yeah you being in your shit go with you like i'm gonna take care of my little baby yeah and uh oh my god i love when chris gets sick and i will say his name gets sick it's like i just like to hold his head like a baby's head like yeah like like i'm holding an infant and i

just go somewhere new or he's sleepy it's like if i could just have a boyfriend that's constantly a sleepy sicky baby it's like have you ever seen the phantom thread or um the one with it was such a good movie daniel day lewis and some other chick and that's what happens is like she starts to notice like she only she he's only nice to her when he's he's sick oh and so she starts to like they both have an agreement that she starts poisoning him because it's the best way they're it's the only way their relationship works is if he's sick. And so she, in one scene, just pours poison, and he's just watching her cook, and he's just like...

Oh, I saw that with you. Yeah. You showed me that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just like they have this agreement, like this is how we're going to last. That's so interesting. It is interesting when you feel like you don't have a...

You don't even have a choice to have energy so then you're very calm because there's no other choice other than be calm and i think that and there's a dependency there like women want to feel needed and yeah and like they and there's no your ego goes out the your ego is sick too so like anything in you that's like i don't want to look stupid or like when you're sick you just you hug a toilet seat you lay on the fucking toilet or the bathroom floor like you're you just are willing to do things that are well but with ego i think you know my father he got can't breast cancer and. Even that diagnosis alone is embarrassing. My dad, yeah, it's very embarrassing.

It is. It's the most embarrassing cancer for a man, I would say. Well, pussy cancer. Yes, yes. That's just a cancer for a guy who's- Whose foreskin gets a little upset. Yeah, can only do green hills on skiing. But yeah, my dad, but my dad-

It's all false. hey no you were doing blues you weren't a pussy and you're not a pussy if you only do green hills it's skiing's very difficult my dad's not a pussy for getting the most bitch kind of cancer no of course not bitch titties but no but i'm just saying he dropped his ego like after going through that and realizing you're mortal and and all that shit like it's exactly what you're saying like it really like if i if you're really sick even after that the the after effects you're gonna be nicer to people most likely yes you know whenever i get well after being sick or feeling bad i'm just such like you just appreciate appreciate life. It's like gratitude. It all comes back to like,

if like you're depressed or you are angry, like stopping and trying to work on being grateful for like the dumb, the most banal shit that you have. Yeah. Is brings you to a place of like, banal, I believe banal. I think you mispronounced it.

Did I? I think it's banal. I guess we'll find out i love anal sex uh analyze wait um this is the funny thing too about me being sick right now because you read omicron versus delta omicron versus so my brain that does sound like a Mortal Kombat. It does. It does. It sounds like a Transformer fight. But I was like, my old brain, pre-Zoloft, 10 years ago, I'd be like, I got COVID. I definitely have COVID. And then my brain now is like, you hit golf balls for four hours in 30 degree weather. Probably you got a cold.

Remember the common cold? But also. They remember that though? Yes yeah it's just so funny like and people don't get those anymore because we're wearing masks like people it was also uh yes i i do remember that it's so funny though that people aren't even thinking about those i know i know and it's just weird because i have a cold i have a cold yeah and like anything that let's say but anything that's like in the news or you know let's say you're you are dealing with a parent that has cancer and then you start to have a pain you're like it's cancer but it's like no you pulled

a muscle doing this thing like it's yeah whatever is in the zeitgeist you start to think but also omicron i like are you scared of getting covid because you might die or because it would isolate you from people like what's the fear with omicron if you did have it i mean i don't really i mean just the fear of missing out on shows this weekend and not being able right our last performance and giving it to other people yes but for me i'm not worried i'm gonna die but what about but no one worries about giving colds to other people like this morning you're like, I think I'm sick. And I'm like,

okay, well if you had Omicron, I wouldn't be in the same room as you. Yet if you have a cold, it's like, okay, I'll see you in five. That's the thing.

Like, um, a friend of mine was recently at work and someone came in and was like, oh, I'm sick. And he was like, Hey, can you put on a mask? Or, and she goes, oh, it'm sick. And he was like, hey, can you put on a mask?

And she goes, oh, it's not COVID. It's like, yeah, but masks also protect you from other things too. And we forget that because obviously we were never, like remember the Asian people were always wearing masks. Yeah, way before. Because they know that masks prevent spreading of illnesses. And it's just a fact. Someone said, try to blow out a candle with a mask on like that just proves it you're not you can't so you can get

so you don't deserve a birthday no you don't get one but um that that is wild to me that we let people blow out candles and like go yeah that is like just droplets everywhere and then we're all like let's have a slice covid cake yeah covid cake but um yeah i i it's just so funny that this person just thinks mask equal covid it's like no mask can prevent everything and um and i actually i mean this is maybe for reddit next week but i wanted to just it's just too good uh they were talking there was this ask reddit the other day that i saved that i wanted to share about mass since we're on the topic of it that was interesting to me and i wanted to hear what you guys had to say about it but it said um what's a non-covid reason that you

like wearing a mask for um do you guys have any that come to mind because i had one cold weather cold weather yes especially right now in St. Louis. It's so good. It warms, until masks, I did not, you know, obviously I've wrapped my face in a scarf before

a little bit, bundling, but like, you never thought that a mask could keep you so fucking warm. You know those masks that you wear skiing?

Or to rob a bank. Or to rob a bank or rob a bank on top of a mountain. You'd wear, you'd wear, you'd wear the mask and i'd feel like i'd be afraid i'd be caught a little bit you know the one the black one with like the hole you're like i'm wearing a mask i'm such a little bit like spider-man yeah yeah but you're like you

can't even handle the cold or you look like um what's his name silence of the lambs oh yeah you do yeah it's kind of hot yeah that's so. I would never think that would make me look like a little bitch. Like, I've got breast cancer. Hey. I'm a man. I'm just kidding. No, it's true, though. Noah, did you realize how warmthing masks were until last year?

I feel like that was something that dawned on me. And I love about them. I don't like them because my, like, there's condensation that builds around my nose and mouth and I just can't, I just feel like I have swamp ass on my face. Right, right. I feel like it almost becomes a... Swamp ass face. Swamp ass face is hilarious. I feel like it becomes a, I know it's your own breath so it's kind of gross

and it's also like bacteria breath but like yeah you know when you you don't know this but when you get a facial they steam your face and it almost feels like that like you're like getting your your pores are opening up with your fucking gross it's nice for women too it's like a little beard for you it just feels so warm i think that's one of the benefits i um someone said whenever i'm concentrating or working on a task i tend to stick my tongue out or leave my mouth open and i really like it when people don't have to see that oh yeah i do that i do that my dad does it too whenever i write my tongue comes out i don't know what that means cute dog with an instagram yeah with millions of followers. Yeah, I'm jealous.

Someone said it covers my double chin. Someone said the nasty smell in the subway. That's cool. You know who I hate? Or at Subway. I hate the guy that gets on the airplane with the fake mask, the one that fake covers your face. Fuck that person.

What do you mean? There's masks now that are like, they look like skin. You get them for your own face. Oh, but it looks like it has your mouth on it? It looks like it's pulled down, and they're like, actually, my mask is on. Oh, I don't know own face. Oh, but it looks like it's your mouth on it? It looks like it's pulled down and they're like, actually, my mask is on. Oh,

I don't know that one. Oh, you haven't seen that? I just see the ones with like a mouth on it, but. Yeah. That's kind of just fun.

Whatever. Who cares? No, fuck that guy. He should die. Oh my God. Someone says allergies and so I can ignore people.

Hides my acne. I think it could cause redness though. It can cause acne, I think. Yeah. Defeats the facial recognition software. Ooh. I have pollen allergies.

Mask helps a ton. Nobody notices if I didn't shave. It hides my teeth. I love that. Oh, someone said, when this all started, I noticed women making eye contact with me more than normal. Then I figured it out.

I'm a six foot tall guy in decent shape nice hair and a face like a chimpanzee with the mask i look like i could be attractive that's so funny that you women are looking at you more because you have a mask on and because they don't usually because they see your face like you don't see when women are looking at you from behind because they can't see your face it's like i'm just gonna leave it on it's just us it's fine i'm gonna can i just fuck you with the mask on but kiss me yeah can you the best is when you can you ever kiss through a mask yeah mask on mask it is kind of cute yeah it's yeah i do it's fucking cute i like it it's like uh yeah it's a kiss condom. I like it because it shields the sun when you're walking outside or in your car. I wear a mask in my car, and it protects my face from sun damage.

On my cheeks is where I get all the age spots from sun damage. And it's just such a great excuse to never have to keep your face out of the sun. I love it. It does make you appreciate outside more. Because if I'm on the airplane for three hours with it on, and I get out right when I just take it down, ah, oxygen. It kind of feels nice.

That's a good point. Let's get to the news. Yeah, let's do that. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. It's Wednesday, folks. You know what that means. It's Wednesday. I hope you're having all the swells out there, even

you, Dave. Dave. Fucking Dave. David. Devowed. Just go by David. Davey. I like Davey, actually. Davey's a cute name, yeah. Davey Crockett. Davey Jones. Davey... Jones. Davey's a cute name, yeah. Davey Crockett. Davey Jones. Davey...

Jones is Locker. Locker. Okay, a man threatened to kill a woman. All right, next story. That's the whole story. Yeah. Stupid little Wednesday. Okay, no, you gotta guess.

It was on a New York subway. What did he try to kill the woman with? An umbrella. Oh, I could give you. Okay. That's close, actually. A mask. A cane.

Close. A walking stick. Very close. He can't see. No. A walking stick. A running stick. What could a walking stick turn into, potentially, if you took off the knob on the bottom and sharpened it?

A dice pick? A wooden spike. Two of them. Jesus Christ. A wooden spike. Yeah, what was she, a vampire? You made it sound like it was like a thing that would be on a person.

I know. It was fun, though. A wooden spike. Yeah, you would never get there. Wait, why? Tell me what happened. So a 46-year-old woman, just, you know, your typical getting on the train on 59th Street subway.

He threatened to kill her. The man who was disheveled had two pieces of wood. 59th Street, like what train is this? E? The 4 train. It was the 4. Oh, yeah. The local.

No, the 6 is local. The woman got away unhurt and the attacker is still at large so if you see a guy with wooden picks he is not in a band he's not a drummer he is a murderer that is terrifying she got away unscathed by a wooden spike like yeah i mean i don't know if uh he he like came up to her and started threatening her and she walked off the subway and got out of the train station yeah br, Bradley Cooper actually had a story about this where he got held at knife point. Knife point? Yep.

Where? On a train. He was going to pick his daughter up at school and a guy, he thought a guy was asking he was, you know, a creepy guy was kind of walking around him and, you know, he's famous so he gets constantly, people are kind of like lurking around him, working up the courage to ask for a picture.

So he thought it was that. And the guy held a gun up or held a knife up to put it in. There's something interesting about me. He didn't even recognize me before he stabbed me. Yeah. How annoying. Our friend, actually, I don't know if you have met Doug. Yeah, don't tell me I'm friends with Doug before you check.

Our friend. Wait, who is it? He got his face cut. Oh, wait. I know that guy. Yeah, I showed you the story. He told the story on This Is Not Happening. And he saved the woman from being raped or like-

On the train, right? On the train, at the train station. And he got his face sliced. Turned around, sliced. Yeah. And he didn't even know how bad it was until he like went up and his whole fucking face was

that's what yeah that's what Bradley Cooper was saying that was the interesting part of the story was that he didn't obviously get hurt by the knife

he was able to run off and he ran up to the street and told a cop like I just got you know held at knife point and the cop was like

check yourself check yourself are you stabbed and he's like no and he goes no check yourself because people don't realize they've been stabbed because it's so quick and it's such a small little thing that you don't know i i know firsthand yeah and your adrenaline i've been stabbed in the chest you don't feel the knife wound yeah maybe like a a few like hours later you could be like, oh, there's the wound. You don't feel that.

It was my stomach muscle. But I remember, if someone can find who I'm talking about, but my 11th grade teacher who taught AP Euro, Mr. Herrick. AP Euro? Yeah, European history. Oh. That's what we call AP Euro. Damn.

Mr. Herrick, he was the best teacher. Everyone wanted him. You had to sign up for Mr. Herrick's class because he was just like the coolest guy with all these fascinating stories. But he one time told a story, and I wanted to say it was like Archduke Ferdinand or something was assassinated by a guy

stabbing a needle into his chest. Like this tiniest thing that he didn't notice it. And even after he died, they were like, what's the cause of this? And they found that someone walking by him stabbed him with the tiniest needle through his chest and it caused him to die. But if you could send me that story i want to know where that punctured his lung in such a little way that he probably didn't no one knows yes exactly it was it was just like an assassination by like the tiniest

fucking thing and it was just that for some reason that stayed with me not enough to know who the fuck it was or yeah any other details but i would love to know if that happened or if i'm just imagining that. What did you get in AP Euro? I think I got a solid B. I was not good at history. I just, there's too much of it. It makes me go, it's like my room, cleaning my room.

I go, there's too many jewelry, like a jewelry box. I'm like, there's too many things. History is just so overwhelming with like, there's too much that's happened. I don't like it. But you're very good at memorization yes that's why i would memorize it and then it'd be gone that's how i was really good at essays i was really good at connecting like i was really good at talking about themes of like you know racism or like socialism whatever you know those kinds of concepts but in terms of

like if you ask me about who was fighting in World War I, just don't. Yeah. Don't ask me because I do not. South Carolina and Texas. Right. Yeah.

That classic state rivalry. Oh, yeah. It was a good football game. I don't know those things. Like, I'm really embarrassed about my lack of knowledge. You know what's interesting, though? More.

If you watch Jeopardy, The Cold War? You're good at Trivial Pursuit, though. If it was asked in a form of a question and there was something to spark your brain, I think you'd know more than you think. But in terms of talking about conflict in the Middle East, conflict literally, what's the Cold War? Do you know? The Cold War? Yeah.

Cold War kids? Great band. Right. No, Cold War was Russia was threatening to attack america with nuclear warfare so then me and my friends would have to hide under our desk every once in a while and that would save us from a bomb and your friends yeah me my boy you did not have to do yes i did you did i think we had this argument before we had this argument right after the spanish flu i had to hide under a desk.

No, I'm telling you. So they were still doing bomb? Yeah, even in the 80s, there was still a worry of Cold War. The end date is apparently 1989. Yeah, I was nine. Okay, wow. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, I'm telling you.

Write me and say, maybe I'm crazy. 1989, I was in kindergarten, so I didn't. say maybe I'm crazy maybe I'm like I was in kindergarten so I didn't I but maybe I saw it in a movie and like I but we did tornado drills where we had to do that yeah hide in the hallway and go like this and just lay in the hallway and I mean kids are doing school shooting drills you know like yeah it's not I definitely know that it was happening I just didn't know if it went that long but okay like I, like, I knew all that stuff about the Cold War, but were there any other countries involved in the Cold War besides Russia and the United States?

Right? There's tons more. Yeah, well, especially the World War. Like, when we were watching the 9-11 documentary on Netflix that talks about all the conflicts that led to 9-11 and, like, yeah, Afghanistan, and then, like, how Russia was involved at one point. And, like, when it starts getting into too many countries getting involved in Poland and, like how russia was involved at one point and like when it starts

getting into too many countries getting involved in poland and like it's like game of thrones i just yes and that's why game of thrones and football yeah i cannot no football it's all connected yes football is the same thing conflict makes me go i'm out because there's too many players there's too many positions speaking of countries, can you please get to the next news story? Because I'm dying to hear what you have to say about it. Here we go. Sorry. I'm sick.

Take it easy on me. Okay. ABBA's plans. ABBA's plans. Oh, my God. ABBA's plans a concert with special effects to project. ABBA. AB sorry. Abba. Abba.

Plans. It's my apostrophe S that was the mistake. Sorry, Andrew. Thank you, Noah. I appreciate that. Abba. Abba the band. Abba the band.

Abba Kerdah. Abba. Yeah. They plan a concert with special effects to project a 1979 version of themselves performing on stage. They'd rather fans remember us as we were so they'll perform you want me to say that word no i took it out sept no septum oh the septum okay so they're in their 70s

okay so basically what they're they're working with a special effects company. They've already recorded this. They got into the special effects suits. 160 cameras. Recorded their concert. And five weeks of performance, yeah. They're going to perform, but you're going to see the 1979 version of themselves on stage while they sit in the audience.

So those young people are going to move like 70-year-olds. No, no. Oh, yeah. You know, like they're in their suits. So they're all like kind of moving like slow and like drinking out of water bottles. Why is that 20 year old in a wheelchair?

Yeah. Yeah. It's so funny. They're going to look like the bears. Yeah. Um, that is funny. I,

I, I do believe that, um, you know, we don't like watching old people because it reminds us of our Own mortality and young people Much like Noah said when she watched me on my Instagram live yesterday Me full of joy gave her joy

When you watch young people it makes you Feel young when you watch old People it makes you feel old Like so what about when you went to see The Rolling Stones? That was very cool because they move like 20-year-olds still. Maybe ABBA doesn't have that kind of workout regimen and Pilates. Yeah.

You know. Yeah, there's a difference between just a real guy drooling and just trying to play piano. Keith Richards, I downloaded or I've saved some footage of him playing guitar as, you know, Keith Richards now, because the way he does it, it just looks so smooth. Like there's some guitars that look like they're working,

like they're like, and there's some that like make the same sound yet. Their hands are just like, it almost looks like they're in slow motion. He's one of those guys that just, it doesn't look like work. Cause he's been dead for 35 years. Yeah.

I've read it. I read his his biography i mean that dude fucking partied i mean he has like every disease that he just beats he fell out of a tree you just can't kill him oh right he fell maybe if you stabbed him with a wooden spike he would die i hope not he was so good the when i saw him and um but do you think like it's a fact that bands, I feel like, or rap, you've got to be cool. The whole idea is being cool, and then the older you get, I guess the less cool and hip you are.

You can be cool and old. I agree, too. I've been saying this on stage. I am in the best years of my life because I'm not old yet, but when I get older, less people are going to come see my shows. It's just the fact of the matter. Yeah, young people. There's less people alive who know who you are or grew up knowing who you were.

And your fans start to die and fall off and not have as much energy to spend money going to shows. And then you have people going to see you that, you know, are your fans forever. But, like, and it's not going in my special because I wasn't able to get it to a place where this joke worked, but it's true. Like everyone's like, Nikki, you're, you can age in this business.

And it's like, yes, I can, but it doesn't mean that I'm not going to be a successful when I age. No one is no one. And everyone goes, everyone says Joan Rivers. They love Joan Rivers.

They did not love Joan Rivers before Joan Rivers died. People talked before that documentary came out. And even after the documentary, They loved Joan Rivers. They did not love Joan Rivers. Before Joan Rivers died, people talked. Before that documentary came out and even after the documentary, the documentary showed how much work she put in and how fucking strong she was and smart and fucking talented. She was in debt. She was constantly trying to chase that. Well, she. Enough money to pay.

And she was, it's not even about she was chasing money. She just said yes to everything because she was hungry she was always hungry she was never catalog with all the jokes that was pretty cool she was insane like you gotta watch that documentary if you haven't seen it but um but before she died she was a joke people would go what'd she do to her face she's so annoying her voice she'd be on the red carpets you know she got fired from e for the stuff like no one was like she's a legend you know some people were but all of a sudden after she dies she turns into this like saint of comedy and the best there ever was and even i got into her post posthumously because i didn't there's so much more attention was put on her and I was able to look closer and realize how badass she was but we do not

celebrate older women we pick very few to celebrate and I do feel like and older men too I'm not this isn't

you have a better chance in stand up to stay relevant while you age than like a pop star like there is something to like wisdom

and getting older and being like you know larry david is still killing it george carlin was going hard until yeah yeah yeah i wanna if louis didn't get in trouble i think i'm gonna look like george carlin when i get older when i like age i think i'm gonna literally look like him because the other day i was looking at a clip and i was like i kind of look like like i loved it i love ge Carlin so much. I'm now just kind of getting into him. And he, he just was saying everything. Like he was just telling the fucking truth and was really fearless and,

and empathetic and such a good person from what I could tell. It wasn't like a douche bag. And yeah, I just, I really I really I gotta get into him more if you guys have a good George Carlin clip to send me send it my way because I need to know there's just so much I know but that's too much I need to go through it and like well if you type in I've watched it before like on YouTube

they have like best of yeah I'll do that you could do what Abba does too I know in like 20 years but the thing is I would pick now i feel like right now i would i would have to shoot my little hologram right now because i feel like i'm peaking right now in terms of looks and like confidence but their hologram they did it yeah i know i know i'm just saying i gotta you know if you ever get a proactive campaign i was always thinking this

like remember proactive commercials oh did you use proactive? I used proactive. Oh, yeah, everyone did. My mom bought it for me. She sent it to me in a care package in college. All my friends got cookies and warm scarves and just sweet letters from their mom, and my mom just sent me a cold package

of fucking proactive. And I didn't even ask for it. I got the same thing. She was sweet. It was actually very sweet she just wanted me to stop picking my face but i could not stop that was my issue um but proactive commercials i always made the joke of you know whenever i had acne on my chin which i used to have all the time before i started taking spirulactone which i really recommend any

girls out there that suffer with hormonal acne spirululactone is amazing. I tried it for so long and I was always doing 25 milligrams of it or low dose and it never worked for me and now I do 100 and I do not get zits anymore. I never get them and it's all Spirulactone. There may be side effects for you so maybe just ask your doctor. I used to always say, look at my chin tonight. You guys, I'm shooting my before pictures for my proactive commercial. Because whenever it was Jessica Simpson or Justin Bieber or Justin.

It was like one zit. They would always like zoom on in this picture of them with like just this terrible cystic acne, like one zit on their chin. And yeah, you always need the before photos. I love the before photo too because i think they just added the zit like no some of i mean those were real also i think some were just without makeup yes oh yeah that was before photoshop well i think photoshop's been around for a while but even last night i saw a tiktok of like a guy that was obese and then it you know he kicks off his shoe and then he then it cuts and then it comes back and his shoe is back on and he's like thin you know and he's done all the work and he

starts walking and i'm like god that before shoot was depressing because he just kicked off his shoe and then he had to just go get on a fucking stair climber and begin this journey i just those before videos standing alone think of how many before videos have been taken of like this is going to be in my tiktok and then they never get in shape or they never you know and then they get in shape and they get a million likes and then they're then they just they are going to get fat again because we're out of shape again because like the attention that's what you're a lot of people just do it because they know at the end of this is gonna be a million likes but isn't that why anyone loses weight is

they want the likes they want to feel better about themselves they want to they want to they want to look good so that other like what's yeah what's the desire to look good other than people thinking you look good and getting love i guess so i guess so no i guess that's enough and then you get to a point where you're like oh good i look good and then you can start eating like shit again and let your guard down and then that's why diets and intense exercise regimens don't work and you'll always go back that's why you just have to have you got to do it for not just the likes on tiktok is what i'm trying to say you can do it for the likes but you just don't do extremes of like, I'm just going

to breach this goal and then I'm done because you ain't done. It'll all come back. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. And also don't pick an exercise regimen or a diet that you can't do the rest of your life. Like if you really want to say, I'm never going to eat sweets again, then sign off for the rest of your life because it's the only way you're not going to gain weight again because the second you let your guard down and you have sugar again or you have

carbs again, it's all coming back. Diets don't work. Diets don't work. Let's take a quick break and then come back with Why Do I Care? 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Ooh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early,

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Jennifer Lawrence revealed she had a day of hell filming with Leo DiCaprio and Timothee Chalamet. She said Timothee was just excited to be out of the house. I think it was like his first scene, and she was annoyed with the song. DiCaprio chose to play in the car scene they shot. I read the article. It makes me think Timothy was really excited to obviously be next to Leo, and there's probably this whole new comic energy in the car.

And then DiCaprio was like probably too confident playing like a song over and over again that no one wanted to hear. What song was it? Do we know? They didn't say what song. She didn't say.

God, I would literally. But I think it was the combination of those two. I do have her number. I should text her. Just tell me the song, Jen. I know I haven't talked to you in five years.

Text her right now. No, I don't want to. Okay. Because I don't want it to come back with this number is not. And I can't. You haven't talked to someone in five years. You can't reach out. Okay. Because I don't want it to come back with, this number is not, and I can't, you haven't talked to someone in five years,

you can't reach out. Can you say, what's up, boo? What's up? What was that song that Leo Slater does? What was that song that Leo Slater does? And does it check out the Timothee Chalamet at the New Comic Energy? I bet you he did.

Oh, I bet you anything. And it's, you know, I would be annoyed, I get annoyed sometimes when like, you know, I'm with another comic, and a new comic is there, and they're a bigger fan of that comic than me.

And they have, they have that excitement about this guy that I know is started the same time as me has put in just as much work and they're getting all the love because he, you know, is, you know, and,

and listen, like if I was in the car with justin timberlake and taylor swift i would be fawning over taylor swift and just to be like we probably feel the same way of like hey what about me yeah yeah but like so everyone's allowed to like someone more but i could i could if i would be annoyed if i were jennifer lawrence and leo was getting doted on and i'm like oh am i just fucking chopped liver did i not get an oscar motherfucker yeah jennifer lawrence oh my god she looks so good pregnant makes me want to get pregnant she looks so good her face filled out like fills out like in a way that like women

who are pregnant just look so luscious and full of life and like i just love a i love a pregnant arm like i like women that just like have a little bit more like but women get very sick though right during pregnancy some can but like i don't know they're just there's like a full like there's a beautiful fullness to a pregnant woman's body that looks like so it's kind of hot it's it's definitely hot she looks amazing she looks better than ever and i'm just so into it who did she marry who did she have a baby with uh a guy named art guy right, he's an art dealer named... Oh, I forget his name.

Connor, I think I saw. No, it's not Connor. It's... It does... I forget his name. I never met him. It's Cook Maroney. Yeah, Cook.

Oh. We were... We hung out right up around... Right before she met him is when we were getting close. And then we just kind of... Because of life. life yeah no reason but i she was uh she felt like a really good friend i really liked her i did i did kind of think about my relationship with her recently because i was thinking about like being friends with famous people and like and i was just thinking of a defense of like okay i didn't pursue my

relationship with jennifer lawrence even though i could have like if i really wanted to be friends with famous people i could have kept that going for like for a while and and and for false pretenses you know like we naturally drifted apart not because we didn't like each other or something it's just like you know sometimes for like you're at different parts of your life and um and then i was like was i just friends with her because she was famous and obviously there was a part of that of being like, God, it's cool to be friends with this person that is like you look at and you go, God, I want to be best friends with her. She seems so real and cool. But I remember when she first came around because I met her through Amy, who she was friends with. I remember being like, I don't want her around because we were with all of Amy's like high school friends and me and Rachel and Bridget

and I remember we were on this like yacht that Amy had like rented out for us to hang out and she was like oh Jennifer's gonna come today and I just I've told the story before I think but I just remember thinking I wish she wouldn't come she's your Leonardo DiCaprio because everyone's gonna change you know what I mean

yeah no not that I wanted the attention but like everyone's just gonna be on their best behavior everyone's going to change. You know what I mean? Yeah. No, not that I wanted the attention, but everyone's just going to be on their best behavior. Everyone's going to be focusing on getting her to like, and I was projecting because I felt like now I'll have to do that too. And I'm going to want to change so that she likes me and thinks I'm cool. And I just wanted us all to just be comfortable

around each other and not have to turn it up for J-Law. But then she got there and she was just she was cool and she honestly was the type of person where you go god damn it fuck you you really are that funny and that real and that like not wanting to be you know she wasn't as much as like oh I want to be the center of attention that I thought she would be. She was just a beautiful, cool girl. And have you met people like that where you're like, god damn it. You're all so cool and you're good at this. Do you want them to ever be a dick or do you want your – I met – I'm trying to think. Myers Leonard.

So nice. Yeah. I mean he got in trouble for that thing and i felt so bad for him actually but yeah um uh you know who i met i met uh what chase crawford wait dude you remember chase yes i remember chase crawford so fucking nice really like insanely nice who's not nice ed westwick go fuck yourself go fuck yourself ed westwick he was telling a story to a girl it was like late night partying yeah ed and i walked in and and they were talking about history maybe world war one i'm not even kidding like something and i knew something like i knew

it was like one fact i knew sure and so i just like you know threw it in a fact and he looked at me like who like discuss and i wanted to fucking rip his head and luckily i think he's kind of over hopefully i don't know anything about it but you know anyway but jade crawford i got stuck in an elevator and he was there when i got stuck in an elevator yeah anyway that's a whole another story but yeah i got stuck in an elevator and uh i i we got out by pulling it apart and i jumped out and the firefighter was like you could have easily died i know i can't believe that that scares me so much chase will always remember that dog dude if you ever i mean who's not gonna remember getting stuck in an elevator was it just you and chase no it was me and my buddy chase was right up like

trying to get us out of the elevator. Oh my God. Dude, so glad you made it. Beautiful eyes. Okay, let's play a game. Okay. It's Wednesday. So it's Wild Card Wednesday. We're going to play Finish My Sentence,

but it's going to be a fun interactive one. Noah, what is Finish My Sentence today? Okay, so you guys have the item? Well, I have the thing that I'm going to go get out of right outside. Okay. So today's finish my sentence is, oh, the smallest pocket of my travel bag has. Okay. I'm going to say for you.

Oh, wait. Do I have to finish a sentence or do we just answer this? No, no. So now you say what's in Andrew's bag. Yes. Okay. Andrew says what's in your bag that one's gonna be good go get your real backpack

an item that is in the smallest pocket of my backpack I'm Andrew Collin and the smallest item that is in the pocket of my backpack smallest pocket of my backpack is a is a receipt to a golf thing. It's a golf tee.

Some kind of golf tee. Yeah, that's a good one. I'm thinking, I don't know what it's in there. Yeah. I'm thinking that or, well, we'll find out. Yeah. Nikki, the thing in my smallest pocket. Oh, that's tough.

It's either a very tiny vibrator or like um fuck maybe probably a medication bottle. Okay, yeah. Let's go check.

Go, go, go, go, go. Okay. I have a lot of pockets in this thing. I do too. I'm Polly Pocket over here. I'm guessing this is the smallest one. Okay, I've got a lot of things. Listen, you're not wrong.

There is one empty Klonazimapen. I think this is Klonopin, but it's 0.25 milligrams thing. Okay, there's also a loose

medication. I think this is like an acne medication. Dude, I was right on. Wow. Yeah, it's Vivascal for hair. No, this is for hair, Vivascal. I'm going to take it right now, actually. Let's see what else. A hairbrush.

A scrunchie. Zevia or Stevia It's all in the smallest pocket Yeah Listerine pocket packs a Polaroid of myself that a photographer took Is that in LA

in front of that pink building? No It was on a set My plant squalane stuff that I love from The Ordinary. And... Oh, eyelash serum

from Rodan and Fields, a gift from Carlisle Forrester. And... A Sharpie! And... Another Vivascal. What is this, a clown car? Yeah.

By the way, a tea. Taking my Vivascal. A tea. I got it right. A golf tee. Viagra. Oh, my God, Viagra. Red medicine on my nose.

Nose medicine. Advil. Advil. I'm such an old person. Lotion. Lotion. Toothbrush holder. Toothbrush holder. With an old person. Lotion. Toothbrush holder. With a toothbrush inside.

Part of a charger. Recticare. Recticare. Oh my god. More teas. Such a great representation of who we are. Except your toothbrush. Wait. That's a false.

Another charger block. Yeah. Wait. That's a false. Another charger. Another charger block. Okay. Let me see. I mean, so many creams. The older you get, the more creams you get. Oh, okay. I've got another pocket here that's small.

Lighter from when I used to smoke weed. Yeah, I was going to guess weed, but. Another weird Polaroid that looks like it from a shoot where I got raped or something. It's like a blurry. Yeah, whoa. You look like. It looks scary. I look like that should be in the last images on Reddit.

That looks like the hologram you're going to use in 20 years. A ring. Oh, wow. That's a pretty ring that I wore the other night and I just threw it in there because I forgot to put it in my jewelry bag. And then a bunch of cards from the game Answer the Internet that I got from Barstool when I went in there. They gave me a like-

Oh, yeah. Read one. Oh, they're the cursed questions ever. Let's close this out by answering some questions. Yeah, let's open up. All right. Final thought. Final thought, Dad thought there, Dick.

So, this is from Barstool Answer the Internet. Questions as fucked up as you are. Whoa. Cool. Okay. Alright. Would you rather your dick shed its skin like a snake or have it rattle like a rattlesnake every time you move?

Okay, girls can't play this game. Oh, I know which one I'd do. Why do you even give this to me, Barstool? Which one would you rather have? My dick already shed, so I don't want it to rattle. So you want it to rattle. Okay, cool. Well, 67% of Barstool readers choose shed.

That's because all their dicks probably already have some kind of yeast infection. This is the kiss question. What is it, man? What could you do longer? Hold your breath underwater? Uh-huh. Or have sober sex?

Oh, dude. I don't know, man. Probably because I take Zoloft. Hold fucking sober sex. Well, 78% of barstool wieners said sober sex. Well, 78% of barstool readers said sober sex. Oh, whoa.

You guys are like a co-version of Beavis and Butthead. Yeah, thanks, Nova. Okay. Okay, would you rather get caught masturbating or shitting your pants in public? Would you rather... I probably would....get caught masturbating...

Oh! ...or shitting your pants in public? Oh, dude, I'd probably get caught masturbating because shit is smelly. Oh, my God, these are so dumb. Um, okay. Um, oh, my God. This one's such a ca.

This is like the This might be What's that then? Would you rather shoot webs like Spider-Man or have claws Like Wolverine and then in Parentheses it says both come Out of your dick

What? Which one would you rather have Claws like Wolverine come out of your dick Or spider webs What? Which one would you rather have? Claws like Wolverine come out of your dick or spider webs? Let's be honest, I already have webs that come out of my cock so probably I've already been doing that for a while So, claws

Claws This is actually kind of a good question Okay, what's it? Two buttons, you can only press one You instantly get one million dollars or you have a 50-50 chance This is actually kind of a good question. Okay, what's it? Two buttons. You can only press one. Okay. You instantly get $1 million, or you have a 50-50 chance that you get $100 million. Just give me a million.

Really? Yeah. Noah? The second one, because after taxes, a million is like nothing. Exactly. Oh my God, I would 100% do that. Who the hell said taxes were involved? Well, they're death and taxes okay um would you bet on all one seeds beating 16 seeds in

march madness if you if winning got you a million dollars but if you lose you get shot in the face what well a 16 has never beat a one seed. But I don't know what the upside is. You get a million dollars. Oh, you get a million dollars. Yeah. You love a million dollars. Yeah, I would do.

And no taxes. Okay. Would you. Yeah. Watch a porn star. Who. Yeah. Had your mom's name.

Okay. First and last. Yeah. Is your mom's name Okay First and last Yeah Is your mom Yeah In a hologram A real pussy It's Abba

Oh no It's Abba 79 Abba fucking your mom With her whole name With wooden spikes Yeah dude That's badass That's very cool

I love that So you would? Yeah, definitely I don't even need to hear the other rather Okay Damn rather? Which activity takes more physical fitness? Golf or porn?

Oh, dude, definitely fucking porn, man Because golf, man, you fucking Depends on what kind of porn If it's the kind I want to shoot, you don't got to do nothing. Oh, that's true. You just got to lie down and get fucked with a three-iron. Thanks for watching today, you guys, or listening, however you did it. And we'll see you tomorrow on the podcast.

Don't be cuh. And Jack Lemon. Why is my mouth making a squeaking sound? That was so weird. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right.

I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How To Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show

and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry.

I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, then tune in to my podcast, Building One.

I speak with some of the best product builders out there. I've always been inspired by frustration. It came back to my own personal pinpoint. So we had to go out to farmers and convince them. Following that curiosity is a superpower. You have to be obsessed with the human condition. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts.