The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #149 Several Monsters

Episode Date: December 14, 2021

Between you and Nikki and Andrew, she is not the best at quick math and his balls are sinking. They are both in LA and Nikki shares a story about the hotel they are staying in from her life long ago. Positive affirmations work and they will help your decisions. You Heard It Here First, Andrew wants to be half hard when he dies, so many perverts everywhere, we feel sorry for a thief. Today's Why Do I Care is momentous as they crack the meaning of "several". In the Final Thought they talk about their Top 1 and Bottom 1 condiments. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson.

Listen to many questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. You are cordially invited to the hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Woman sports production

in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast.

Here's Nikki. Hey, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. It's Monday. You know what that means. It's Monday. Yeah, guess who's here, guys?

It's Andrew Collin. I decided to bring him in for the intro because, well, we just spent a lot of time together this morning already. I didn't want to say goodbye. It took a long time for us to get set up. We are live from Los Angeles. We are staying at a hotel. We are across the hall from one another.

It was quite a struggle to get this podcast up and running this morning. So many cords, so many hubs, so many uncharged computers. And I mean, it's a whole production. Thank you so much to Noah and to Mark from iHeart who helped aid in the process. And to the maid who let me in my room after I sprinted out of my room to go help Andrew. And then the door shut behind me. It would have been added another 15 minutes to go down to the fucking lobby and get my key.

And this maid, she was like, I saw you, but she could really get in trouble for letting me back in my room without checking. So I said, I won't get you in trouble. And then I threw some money at her. So shout out to everyone who helped. How are you this morning, Andrew? I'm good. I'm good.

I'm good. I'm staring at my curry from last night, which is holding up my curry container, which you were so nice to get Thai food last night, is the background for my phone to keep it up. Yeah. And I got to tell you. It's the tripod. It was an interesting curry.

You got me a kind of a veggie. Yeah. Well, it was veggie chicken. Did you notice that it was not real chicken? Yeah, yeah. It's good, though. Isn't that stuff good or no? You don't like?

I liked everything else in it. Like, I love a veg. Just a veg. That chicken just didn't do it for me. It kind of looks like little scrotums, and it's just not. So does regular chicken, but I don't know. Regular chicken looks so gross, but little scrotums, and it's just not. So does regular chicken, but I don't know. Yeah, regular chicken looks so gross, but little scrotums. You still ate it, though, right?

Yeah, yeah, of course. I licked it tonight. It's the classic, like, eat the salad without the croutons and then eat the croutons at the end of the salad. Like, you probably ate around the chicken. Yeah, you know I always eat around the scrotum. I never go right in i we were talking about scrotums this weekend right oh how long mine yes no like preferences and you and emile were asking about like how we feel about um balls well it came up because my balls are, the older I get, because of gravity, they just keep getting longer and longer.

And my dick doesn't get longer. So it's pretty fucked up what God does to us. Well, your balls weigh more than your dick. I know. I need a weight. And that's what's pulling it down. So if you put weights on your dick, it would stretch it down. It wouldn't make your dick actually longer it would just be of you know the way earlobes start to sag when you when women wear like big jewelry you know

like big earrings yeah heavy like leslie stall maybe i just need to get a dead guy scrotum to tie to my penis to lengthen it yeah just tie some scrotum with balls to tie to my the only way to really stretch anything down there is with a scrotum and so you would have to well we were we like looked up guys with like the biggest penis or the longest penis and this one guy um he was he would put weights on his to stretch it out because it became like i bet it was already big and then he was like let's just this is my thing and then he is it do you's just, this is my thing. And then he, is it? Do you ever, like, stretch it and pull on it so it can get longer? Did you ever do that when you were a kid?

Yeah, and what guys do is you get hard and you push on the skin around it to give it another, like, quarter or half an inch. Like your belly button almost. Like when you press around your belly button, it comes out? Yeah, that's what you do with dicks. And then what you learn when you're a kid is that there's a little bit more dick inside you that that's what the doctors do when they along your cock they'll they'll get there's a little bit more dick in your body in your body that can oh there's like you can feel that there's a little bit more like muscle in there like it's not a

muscle i guess it's so weird how it it's an organ yeah how strong it gets yeah it's just blood that's insane it takes so much effort for you guys to keep that thing hard that's that's a lot of energy going right towards that area yeah you guys can do anything else like lift us up we can't i mean it is amazing remedial math you wrote remedial math on a um post this weekend and i saw the comments people were like what is remedial math and i didn't even know either what is remedial math i think it's early math okay like you know plus and minus maybe are you good at math i think you're good at math you're pretty minus. Are you good at math? I think you're good at math. You're pretty fast. I'm pretty good at math.

Give me any times table. Okay. I mean, I feel like everyone knows times tables. But do you want me to give you like a higher number? Yeah, just try me out. Let's see. 14 times 12. 14 times 12.

14, 14, 14, 15, 16. 168. Wow. I don't know if that's right. Can you verify that? I just know the eight is eight parts right. Cause I just did it in my head. The like two times four.

Wait, you said 14 times 12. Yeah. 168. That's what I said. That's what he said. Whoa. Wow.

No, you tried to doubt me. You're like 168. I was like, yeah, that's what I said. I said 148. How did you do that? Like what's, what I said 148. How did you do that?

Like, what's going on in your mind when you do that? So much. No, but I really want to know. You know, when I do, like, give me a simpler one. No, no, this is what happened. This is what my mind did. I did 12 times 12, which I knew was 144, added 24. There we go.

Okay. You showed your work. Thank you. That's showing your work. You didn't do it when you cheated in college. I'll give you one. Okay. Let's see.

9 times 15. Okay. So I'm going to go 150. 15 times 10 is 150. So I'm going to subtract 9 from that. I'm just going to go 150 is nine times, 15 times 10 is 150. So I'm going to subtract nine from that. I'm just going to go 141. Noah? Hold on.

I mean, it's definitely that. There's like no doubt. It's 135. Wait, what? Nine times 15? You subtracted nine instead of 15, you dumb shit. Oh, I am a dumb shit. There's no way it's not that.

What an idiot. Honestly, I don't even understand what you guys are doing with the subtraction. Okay, so if it's... Sorry to the people listening. If it's nine times 15, if 15 times, you would go to which 15 times 10, which is the closest thing to 9. And you know what 10 times anything is. You just add a 0. So it's going to be 150.

And then you subtract one of the things that you multiplied, which I subtracted the wrong number. I subtracted 9. And I should have known because anything with a 5 in it is going to be a zero or a five when you multiply it that's so true so true i never learned the one where it's like you hold up your hands and you go like one two three and it's like 27 oh no oh it's nine times three that's right one two three and then it's two seven oh yeah no i never learned you never learned that i drew the turkey that was fun. I definitely do left and right. I use this where you make L's with your hand. And the one that is wrong is the...

Or the one that looks... Wait, fuck. L is correct. L is left. The one that's right is the left. Oh, man. Oh, boy. Right sucks.

That word should not be meaning correct and to turn to the. Make a right, right? How do you say make a right instead of saying right? Turn. Turn right, correct? No, what's half of 90? Turn 45 degrees to the east? Perpendicular? How do you say right turn perpendicular oh okay we're really smart i mean andrew you're actually good at math i think

i'm decent i'm decent i i did better on math than verbal in in all my sat yeah um believe it or not much better at verbal i just went to the starbucks that is by my so we're staying at a hotel in the valley in um like the shallow valley the chalet in la and i used to live right down the street from where we're staying and i used to go to the starbucks every single day from like 2007 to 2009. It was just so trippy going back there. I was in a worse place in my life. It was funny because we checked into the hotel yesterday.

I stayed at this hotel before. This is the place I stayed where I spilled nail polish all over the bathroom. All over. Like a fucking crime scene. I was crying because I was staying at this hotel because i was being flown out to audition for you know kevin smith right you know who that is yeah he this was 2010 how did you even get the audition i don't some producer that i had worked with on something liked me okay and he wanted me to audition to be one of the people that was going to be his co-host for a daily show that would be syndicated, kind of like a Regis and Kelly type thing.

And it would be Kevin Smith and a girl, and they were auditioning a girl part for it. And I was in the running. It was me and two other girls. One of them was Christina Pazitsky and we auditioned at John Lovett's Comedy Club and the Universal City Walk which is at Universal Studios right right here in the valley and um and they flew me out from New York put me up I remember it was so much money I didn't even have a laptop at this time in my life I was so broke I was just starting my podcast with Sarah Schaefer I just moved to New York I was living in a fucking hellhole in um

Astoria with a girl who didn't like me and we never spoke it was that kind of awkward thing where you'd walk in every single night and like you wouldn't even talk to each other and you just kind of like passed like ghosts in the house and oh it was so miserable and i had a house centipede that was crawling across my pillow one night and i couldn't sleep there for months anyway so then i um i got flown out here to audition and i fucking i not only did i spill nail polish all over the bathroom in here um and i was crying and trying to like wash it up with nail polish remover. And it was all over this white tile in the grout.

Like it could come off the tile okay, but like in the grout, it was not coming out. And I was just like, I'm gonna have thousands of dollars. Like this is gonna be- And you're hammered, you're hammered. No, I wasn't drunk. It was the morning. I was just like always hung over though.

You know, like it was, this guy was picking me up hung over though you know like it was this guy was picking me up that i used to sleep with back when i lived here in 2007 but now it's 2010 and we like saw each other at a show and he agreed to like go to lunch the next day i could tell he didn't even want to i remember he was texting me being like i'm downstairs and i'm like i just spilled nail polish i'm so sorry and i'm like i can tell he doesn't even like me. He's waiting to pick me up. He's angry. He's even doing this again. And I went down to the lobby and I was like crying. And I went up to the front desk and just like, I spilled it all over.

It's everywhere. And they were like, it's fine. We got it. I was like, it's everywhere. They're like, we can clean up anything. It's totally cool. And I didn't get charged anything. It was amazing.

But I bombed that audition so fucking hard. Why do you think you bombed the audition? And like, what was the audition? Did you sit with him? It was, yeah, it was in front of a live audience. And it was Kevin Smith's show where he just stands, sits on stage and like tell stories. And then he would have, he would ask each of the girls to get up and have a conversation with him in front of an audience so just like kind of do a podcast kind of in front of an audience

and I lost oh no that was part of the audition and then the second part was actually to do his podcast and I went to his house to do his podcast and I had stayed up all night the night before drinking so much with my with the guy that I liked so much MC Mr. Napkins who was about to be my boyfriend from that night I think was the first time we hooked up and I woke I shouldn't I had a show early that night I was supposed to go back to my hotel and just get a good night's sleep for this early morning I had to wake up at like 7 a.m. to do this podcast. That was like, and I had already signed all the contracts for like what the money would be if I got this job. And it was so much money.

Like it was just more than I could ever dream of. A couple of questions. Did you not care because you did so bad on the live show that you figured you didn't get it? No, the live show went kind of well. And then I did the show at UCBb on franklin that's where i saw zach afterwards we went to birds which is the bar next door and i just had one beer which led to two which and then all of a sudden this guy that i liked things were going well with this guy that i he's finally single he was he was had a girlfriend

when i first met him i come back to town and now he's single and yeah I just got wasted I was so excited about I've always prioritized like boys over work always thank god I haven't had that much like uh excitement in that department like it's been pretty stable but I've always just been like oh this guy that I've liked like this is happening okay I'll just put this this is more important than everything else you know it's just like I and and I showed up the next morning and I lost my voice I was literally on the podcast like no lost my voice because I used to lose my voice every time I drank because I would just be screaming it would be so dry it was just oh so ugh. So what did you do? Did you try to play it off, or did you apologize?

I said, you know, like, I'm sick or something. You know, like, you just lie. When you were hungover, you are sick, so I guess that's not a lie. But, you know, that's the part I hated about drinking so much is that you're sick, but no one feels sorry for you. You've done it to yourself. You can't get that sick, I've got a cold sympathy or I've got the flu sympathy. Like, no, when you are hungover, people are just like, oh, fuck you.

You know, and it's just you on your own. And I really crave a lot of nurturing when I'm sick. And I think that that was kind of the – and by the way, I celebrated my 10 year of not drinking anniversary on Saturday, I believe. Yes. I think it was Friday night, wasn't it? Or maybe it was Friday. Like our days. Yeah, it was Friday because I went to the Taylor Swift sing-along.

And that was on Friday. Our days are almost identical. It's kind of weird. Really? What day is yours? I mean, it's right, like, I don't know the exact day. I could look it up. It was the day after I did a Girls the exact day. I could look it up.

It was the day after I did a Girls Gotta Eat live show in New York. Right. And that was the last time I had a drink. So three years for me. But yeah, dude, that's awesome. Yeah, 10 years. Yeah, it's, you know, if you times it by 15 and then you subtract 15, it's like 141. Yeah, 141. It's it's 141 140 actually um yeah 10 and i'm reluctant to ever say after you bombed this oh this thing the worst to make so much money what did you do this opportunity you know like this happens to me all the time though like i want to be clear like my life has not changed

in terms of shirking responsibility in favor of doing something that is fleeting and feels good in the moment whether that was getting high drinking uh hooking up something that like gives me a rush and something that I'm like honestly so scared about so nervous about um you know I have I have to edit my special I must edit my I'm going in getting picked up in one hour to go into an edit bay and look at my special that I taped two weeks ago and I am filled with dread and anxiety over it because it's not going to live up to what I want for myself. It just can't because I don't – there's no living up to what I – there's just – I can't be perfect. And I woke up this morning to look at it just to like see it.

And I watched a little bit of it with you yesterday at the airport. And I felt really good because it was funny. And then I watched, I woke up this morning and I was doing the thing that I read in that book that Ari recommended that I only read literally one chapter of. And then I was like, oh my God. And it helped me edit my last special because it was, that was the thing I put off more than anything. I also have a book proposal due like on Wednesday for my book that I'm supposed to be selling in the new year and I can't do any of these things I keep playing guitar I keep um just texting friends uh like listening to music like I just find at masturbating I find anything else to do besides these things

but what I did this morning, because it literally is the last second, like I have to look at it today. And I was supposed to send notes before I went to the edit. So I was going to work on notes this morning, set my alarm for six, had to be somewhere at eight. So I was like, I'll have two hours to watch this 75 minute cut. I got 10 minutes in and I go fuck this I cannot do this I want to just sit with someone in an edit bay And go no can we see the other cut But like I just think that I work better

In the moment when it's the last minute And it's not the last minute yet But I did use the tools that Ari Finling had suggested I read This book called The Tools And it is about It is about the Brendan Schaub podcast No it is about um it is about the brendan shob podcast no it is about i was just picking people does he have a podcast brendan shob i think like 19 of them yeah which one he's always

so nice to me i don't know why i picked him as a tool he's really always he he never says i'm like i think he's they say i'm funny but he always says I'm hot And it makes me feel good Whenever my name comes up in a podcast He'll just be like she's so hot And like I don't know why it makes me feel fucking great I mean I do know why I'm shallow But um

So the tools say When you are scared of something And I just want to share this with everyone Because this really did help me this morning Even though I didn't get through it per se It it did help me just look at it. And we got to go to break. And what it is, is you say, I love fear. Fear sets me free. Bring it on. I love fear. Fear sets me free. Bring it on. And I'll elaborate a little bit more when we come back from this quick break. Andrew! 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money.

We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize

your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics

in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Good people. What's up? It's Questo, Questlove.

And Team Supreme and I have been working hard to bring you some incredible episodes of Questlove Supreme with guests you definitely don't want to miss now one of the things I love about this Questlove Supreme podcast is we got something for everybody every type of musical ever we enjoy speaking to the people who are the face of some movements, some people you've seen on stage or TV or magazine covers

but we also love speaking to the folks who are making it happen behind the scenes. And we pave the way for those that followed. You know, keystones to the culture. This season, we've had some amazing one-on-one conversations. Like I'm Pete Bill chatting up with hitmaker Sam Holland. Sugar Steve chatting with the legend Nick Lowe. And I've had pleasures of doing one-on-one conversations with Willow, Sonata Matreya,

Kathleen Hanna, and the RZA. These are conversations you won't hear anywhere else, so make sure you go back and you check those episodes out, alright? Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Whoever you get your podcast. Over the years, we've had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaneyaney rowe and cord jefferson each episode is a new person's story with new lessons new memories and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique listen to many questions on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness and we want this to stop.

Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my dog. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the center of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere.

It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Andrew. Now I just leave. What's up? Andrew.

Nick. Do you remember this tool? This, this, I love fear. Fear sets me free. Bring it on. Do you remember that mantra? I do. I do.

From this book that Ari told us to read. We both read the same chapter. Yeah. I can't imagine if both read the same chapter. Yeah. I can't imagine if we read two chapters in a book. I mean, we probably know Division, Long Division. Oh, my God. No, I think what I remember is you speak out your fear. So whatever you're most afraid of, let's say your special sucks,

everyone hates it. Yes. And then, like, what's the worst that can happen from that? And then you speak it out to existence and so then you kind of mitigate it by saying it closer you get to fear see this is what i reread this chapter because i needed just to brush up on it so if this thing you're dreading or this thing a call you're about to make to your sister who you haven't talked to in a while or you're about to clean out this garage that has just been piling up. This thing, the further away you push it,

the more scary it is. So imagine something, you know, the closer you get to it, the smaller it shrinks down in terms of taking over your mental space and being something that you are scared to confront. It's almost like a monster that in the distance looks super scary,

but when you get up close, it's the size of a chipmunk so the closer you get to the thing it diminishes and that's just true when you actually learn to confront these things so what you do is you actually visualize you visualize the thing that you're fearing doing for me it was editing my special and i was just like you know what you try to convince yourself that you love fear because on the and not in a masochistic way of like I love pain I love like the I love actually being scared and nervous but I love the the the motion of fear tells me that I am about to conquer something if I get closer to it I love fear because fear is actually this illusion. It tells you to stay away and it makes you think that you should be scared.

But the sense of fear is actually you about to overcome something that is going to make you feel so good on the other side of it because it will be over. It will have an ending to it once it's done. And it's something that you know you got to do. So what you do is you say, I love fear. You just keep saying this over to yourself. it's done. And it's something that you know you got to do. So what you do is you say, I love fear. You just keep saying this over to yourself. I love fear. Fear sets me free. Bring it on. And you imagine yourself just walking into this like cloud of the fear and just facing it dead on and really convince yourself, even if you don't, that you love it, that you love fear

because you know on the other side of it that it's going to be great. So when you start to change your relationship to fear, instead of being scared of fear, just restructuring how you feel about it and be like, I actually love it. And if you say things enough, I'm not even kidding you, I never thought positive affirmations worked or like these mantras. But dude, they work. I was just reading about lucid dreaming, which I'm getting into because I started following the subreddit about lucid dreaming just to, as I'm about to fall asleep at night, pick up little tips. It's a very convoluted concept. And there's a lot of things about it that I don't really quite understand.

And you've got to keep a dream journal and you've got to do reality checks during your day so that you start doing reality checks in your dream so during the day every hour you're supposed to set an alarm on your phone to do a reality check if you've seen inception it's the one where you put your finger through your hand and when you do this in a dream your finger will go through your hand but in reality so if you do this all day and i was just reading last night that this guy was like for everyone who's feeling frustrated that you're trying to lucid dream and you're doing these reality checks 20 out 20 times a day, maybe more. And you think it's not paying off. I'm not doing them in my dream.

He was like last night it finally after fucking months of doing reality checks. It finally happened where I was, you know, he was like making pancakes with fucking, you know, Ant-Man and over a grill. And he just was like, I'm going to do a reality check. And he did it. And then he was like, and then all of a sudden he was able to be like, oh my God, I'm dreaming. I can do anything I want in this dream. And then he could move about it.

So it's these things that you just, it's trusting, I guess, that you don't have it all figured out. And that even though, because positive affirmations seemed like the biggest bunch of hogwash to me of saying something over and over and then it actually happening. I would love for besties, if you have any experience with that of like saying something over and over

and then it really changing the way you look at something or the way that you live your life. I would love to hear stories of that because my most, I mean, I have a couple famous ones. The thing that changed me, the most simplest thing that has changed my life probably the most was like two sentences. And it's instead of saying I have to do something, you know, you come up in New York and you do stand-up

and you got to do a show in like the Lower East Side in a bar for five people that aren't listening and the TV might still be on. And you got to be like, I have to fucking do this. I have. And you go, oh, I get to perform. I get to practice. I get to do this. And it just changes how you, it's such a simple phrase that really changed how I look at so

much shit, especially standup. Like, and it, I don't know, it really helped me a lot. So it's like, if you like, you know, you're alive. If you're dreading something or you're nervous about something, you just change it to, even if it's like calling the insurance company. How do you, how do you frame that? Like, I have to call my insurance company. I get to, like, I have enough money to afford insurance. That's cool. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Or

how about this? You're just fucking alive to be able to make the phone call and you're healthy. So you get to do it. Dude, the other day when I did my Instagram live and I was playing music, I was just so grateful in that moment because I had all these besties watching and being so supportive. Noah was there. And I was just like, I was honest. I just was like, I'm so grateful in that moment because I had all these besties watching and being so supportive. Noah was there. And I was just like, I was honest. I just was like, I'm so grateful for my hands. I'm so grateful. Like, if you have hands, maybe out there you don't have hands or you have arthritis.

Even if you have arthritis in your hands, like, you still have hands. Like, it's so simple. Gratitude lists are those kinds of things that really help you. Noah, is there anything that's coming to mind for you that is something that you thought wouldn't have worked in terms of this kind of foo-foo, positive affirmation, changing the way you look at things kind of thing?

I used to be the biggest pessimist and I was like, oh, this is such BS. But I just think it's like the laws of physics. Now you changed it to the best shit BS stands for best shit Exactly And I just found like through experience that positive energy

attracts more positive energy I've also learned to eliminate should the word should like for me I just keep saying should is a dirty word how can I make this phrase or statement without using the word should what are you turning? It's not even a good Good word should is I the one thing I like about should let me just say is that I never forgot this And I think I've shared it before when your shoulders are like oh, oh my god

Like when when you have like a tension in your shoulders, that's all the shoulds They're shooters because they're all the shoulds of like, I should be doing this and I should do that. And I need to do that. Like when you're, when you feel a pain in your shoulder, that's your, that's,

that's a sign to go to drop the shoulds because honestly it's enough that you're alive. You know, I should be doing Pilates. I should be, my lawn should look like that woman's. My hair should, I should get my hair done. I like, if you, I need to say this to myself, you're doing your fucking best, Nikki. You're doing your best. And yesterday you had all day, you had 12 hours of travel Andrew and I had yesterday. And was my plan to tackle my special?

You're damn right it was. Was it to work on my book proposal? Yes. Did I tell people that those were things I was going to do? Yes. Was there ever a second I wanted to do them? No. Did I think about it constantly that I wasn't doing it?

And did I kind of suffer all day? Yes. But you know what? There was no other way for yesterday to happen. There was no fucking other way. I was never other way for yesterday to happen there was no fucking other way i was never gonna do that yesterday it was not in the plan and the thing is it's not that i could have done those things because i literally couldn't yes i had my laptop yes i had wi-fi yes i had the time yes but could i do it no because i wanted to listen to fucking say goodbye dave

matthews tim reynolds live at Luther College, a hundred times over and over so that I can mentally figure out the strumming and strum quietly in my seat like a lunatic on my flight. Here's the thing. That's what I wanted to do. That's all I could do. A couple questions. One for Noah.

Instead of should, when you eliminate it, do you just do the thing that you think that you should have done like do you just yeah what's the should that you're you're is in your head this week like what's the example of like what do you do when you go oh i should have gone to jujitsu do you just go like is that like or do you think of it like a dirty word like don't say that yeah i just say okay well how do i feel today about going to jujitsu and then i i weigh out the pros and cons of going oh and okay yeah so i just don't like just having that mind frame of uh i should do that or they should do this or that it just i think it kind of um gives me like

a sort of arrogance that i don't want to have like i know what's best for everyone or what's best for you yeah thank you for hitting on that like i feel like so often and i know i'm not alone here i have it all figured out i know what would make me the best i could be i know i know the right workouts i know the diet. I know the right like the right clothes to wear. I know all of that. But actually, I think that the choices I make might be what is the I actually I have to surrender and go. I don't know. I I am not I you know, I believe in like I say God but for me that is really the universe and that even sounds worse to some people in a lot of ways like the universe wanted me to have this but I truly like I'm having a dilemma in my life right now and I keep going like I have to make

a decision about this this needs to be decided I I need to look into the future because I know what's going to happen with this if I choose this lane and I know what's going to happen if I choose this lane and you know everyone has this in their life whether it's small or big these different lanes you can take and yesterday I was just I had a friend remind me and I was reading through um this this amazing uh app that I really recommend you buying it's probably $4.99 but it's an Al-Anon type literature thing which is Al-Anon is if you are an adult child of an alcoholic or you have any alcoholic family members there's this group you can go to called Al-Anon and there's but this you don't need to qualify for this these are just good daily it's a daily reader and you it's an app

and you just open it up in whatever day it's on you have a lesson in there and the other day it was like I just I looked for the one that I needed because what I needed to hear was you don't have it all figured out you don't even know what's best for you you really need to trust that it is not up to you you didn't choose your brain you didn't choose how your heart is you didn't choose the color of your skin you didn't choose your brain. You didn't choose how your heart is. You didn't choose the color of your skin. You didn't choose your parents. Someone did. Maybe it's fucking just nature. Maybe it was, you know, just randomness. Even if you don't believe in God and you're a total atheist and it's just random.

You know, like I was just a fucking sperm that hit an egg and then all genetics happened. That still wasn't up to you. And it's still not up to you. None of it is your brain is making thoughts that you think you're in control of but you really don't because your brain was not developed by you it's the thoughts you have were not chosen by you um and that gets into no free will but like i just have to go i said yesterday about this decision that i felt was so fraught that i need to make and even if you have a decision that has a deadline, let's say.

This one doesn't for me. It's just like a life thing. But one that is like a decision needs to be made tomorrow. Let's say you need to decide if you're going to take this job offer or, you know, quit your job. Truly just try it. I know it sounds insane. The worst that can happen is nothing happens, but just go universe or God or whatever you believe in fucking random, uh, spaghetti monster

in the sky. Help me guide me to what I need to do. Let me just like relax and go on this ride and you tell me what I need to do. And somehow, somewhere, you will know what's right to do. Because whatever you do is the right way. Whatever you choose, even if it's the biggest regret you've ever made, it was always going to go that way. So just let it happen. And just, it just, I just,

that was a tool that I got from my eating disorder recovery that has helped me in so many things in life that I have to remember it is, I keep thinking I'm in control of everything. What I wear, what I eat. And sometimes even what I wear, I go, this is a thing in recovery a lot when you're looking at socks,

you go, God, what socks should I wear today? And somehow something pops in your head of like, these are the ones. And you just know. It's weird if you just surrender, like you have control, the answer will present itself a lot of times. I think also like, you know, the 12 hours, you know, you go.

It's funny when you say like I had 12 hours yesterday to do the special, you know? Yeah, I did. But if you really like think about it, one, it was the night before we finished 38 cities of doing a tour, right? You did three hours of stand-up this past weekend. We traveled over 10 hours over two different states before all this 12 hours, right? I checked into a hotel that smelled like cigarette smoke i had to check i had to repack and pack and leave it i was crying before a show because i was so depressed so like i went through a lot this weekend so 12 hours it doesn't matter andrew

there's something about me that when the alarm goes off in the morning it's a new day it doesn't matter what you did this weekend you gotta work today and I gotta let myself off the fucking hook for it. And you're right. So that's what I'm saying. Like all these things accumulate to the You watched to 12 hours. What's it called?

Yeah, I watched Succession 12 times. And I think I finally understood it. You know, it took No, I didn't watch it 12 times. But the finale was fucking awesome.

I mean, I saw Andrew. He was watching it, and he goes, what the fuck? It was like he was watching. It was crazy. A slow play, like shows nowadays, you know, they all come out, all 10 at the same time. You watch maybe seven in a row. You know, you're just like, whatever. It's kind of background.

Succession is this slow moving one a week it builds and it builds and fucking the finale was last night and it just all accumulated to so much drama and hilarity and just fucking backstabbing and it was oh it was oh so rich like i i really like god i wish i could share it with you but i really want to watch it i want to watch it i want you to watch the morning show if anyone out there has watched season two of the morning show what the fuck i can't even believe that what happened happened on the morning show and i'm talking about episode seven or eight. You know what happened. And I was truly profoundly affected by it.

I'm not okay. I'm still not okay. And I watched it five days ago. And to me, everyone watched. I mean, the morning show season two came out a while ago, like months ago. People, I can't believe I didn't see like people just in the street screaming about it like sometimes you watch a show i mean i bet you feel the same way about succession of like why isn't the maid talking to me about this today people are like if you go on i mean it's

the finality lived up because it's all about fucking greed of there's these fucking children who are so under appreciative of their father but the father is a piece of shit. Yeah. And then the guy that you don't expect to fucking... Okay, no spoilers. That's it. And you know what? Fucking someone spoiled Sex and the City for me.

Right away. Remy Casimir. You know what? On her Instagram, she instantly spoils a big plot point of sex in the city that i think happens fairly early in it i watched the first episode of sex in the city the new one and it's called um and just like that because that's what you know sarah jessica berger says a lot it is filled with care you guys i mean that show was already care as fuck because samantha would

always be like i'll take white sauce on my pasta and on my face you know it's always like a care line but man there are so many care things like i i was deeply uncomfortable for a lot of that show should be called like menopause in the suburbs at this point they look great and they're cute but just carrie is on a podcast and it's a it's like a podcast with us a cis male played by bobby lee a cis female played by sarah just marker and like someone who represents like a queer non-binary woman who and they're both comics bobby and the woman they're not play i forget the woman's um name i feel like i've met her before she's they're both great but it's just like watching a podcast on tv is weird

and they're asking Carrie about masturbating they're like oh have you ever masked where do where would you masturbate in public because they're talking about public transit people masturbating and Carrie's like um I mean I just I I don't think I want to talk about that it's like this is this is not Carrie Bradshaw that we know but maybe they're trying to prove that it's like this is this is not carrie bradshaw that we know but maybe they're trying to prove that she's changed and she's gonna find herself now and she's gonna become brash again it's kind of a cool message that like it's okay to be to be to not have secrets anymore to not have these taboos that you won't talk about so maybe um maybe it'll get better i'm gonna stay with it but um do we have time for the news or did we just blow past it? Oh yeah, let's get to the news.

You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh boy. It's Monday folks. You know what that means? It is Monday. We've already talked about that, but hey I hope you're having all the swells. All of them, even you

Steve. We've covered Dave, Steve, and what was the last name you did? They're very generic names. Potentially Jeff, but I'd have to go over my notes. Yeah. I have all the names written down. I'm sure you do. Yeah.

141. They're labeled under random names that are boring as fuck. Okay. A woman who makes a fortune on OnlyFans for her unique look says that people call her a demon after getting her eyeballs tattooed. That seems like a

logical response from people. She shouldn't be surprised. Okay, so she got her eyes tattooed. There's black in them. That literally looks exactly like my eyes looked like this weekend when I got liquid eyeliner in my waterline. And it just made my whole eye black. What? That's what it looks like.

When was that? Yeah, like liquid eyeliner. I do it in the waterline. It changes everything. Because I didn't have a pencil to use. A pencil for eyeliner doesn't bleed. It just is more like a pencil but this was like a marker and the marker just bled into my eye because my eyes wet and then it made my eye black and i had to put in a q-tip and clean out my eye that girl um i guess she's

gonna grow old with that you know with all those she I mean, here's the thing. She's never felt more comfortable in her own skin. I saw I saw a good quote from Travis Barker because someone said something similar. Like, oh, you're going to be 65 with all that. He goes, yeah, I'm going to be 65 with there's going to be thousands of other 65 year olds with tattoos. Yeah. And was there a thing back in the day where they were like, you're going to be 65 with that, like that, you know, permanent decisions that people were making back in like the 40s and 50s, 60s, 70s, you know, that are older now.

We're just starting to see tattoos age. Yeah. Like real, like a lot of tattoos. Yes. Yes. We're just seeing those people reaching into the ages where it's like gravity. I mean, back then it was long hair. Guys having long hair was tattoos.

But that's not a... It's not permanent. No, I know. But it doesn't age well because guys who make their thing long hair, when they start losing their hair, oh, there's nothing worse than a little wispy ponytail. Like when it's this much hair in a ponytail, I want to scream. It's the best because the ponytail just keeps – you start it like here

and then it just keeps going farther and farther back. Oh, it's so hot. I mean your mom got permanent makeup, right? She got permanent eyeliner. Yeah, and I bet that still looks good eyeliner is one thing that um on a on a lady never really i don't think goes out of style um i think uh yeah i think she just got so tired of fucking the tediousness of it she was fucking like whatever and and jews aren't supposed to get tattoos is what we were told our whole life. I used to work for a permanent makeup artist.

And we had a lot of Orthodox women who would come and do permanent makeup because you can't do your makeup on Shabbos or whatever and eyebrows and all of that. And the rabbis approved it because it was a certain amount of layers of skin, from what I remember. Oh. Whatever. It's all nonsense no no but my mom said that like she could get tattoos because it was uh what's the word it starts cosmetic or it starts with an a um aesthetic and i go i go yeah that's what that's what every tattoo is every tattoo is aesthetic like that's some bullshit excuse and um yeah you know a lot of people with alopecia do permanent makeup too

right for to make eyebrows and and and you know women who've had their nipples removed from uh you know mastectomy mastectomy mastectomy mastectomies i had a couple letters removed from that word just now yeah my, my mom goes, you know, you can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery. And it's like, okay. I don't really know what the fear of like, oh,

how do I want to be, what do you want to do with your body after it's over? Whatever you want. Honestly, I might dedicate my body to guys who like to fuck dead people because I'm dead I don't I mean I literally if that was a thing that you could do

donate your body to necrophiliacs go I just don't I know that's like a disgusting thing to say you do it when you're alive you play the dead woman yes I mean I love coffin style. Just sitting with chalky makeup on.

Wait, should I do an open casket if I die? Open caskets, how do you feel about them? I kind of like them. I like to see the person one last time, even though it's just never what they look like. Everyone always looks like Abraham Lincoln. I'm going to do an open casket, but it'll just be a little door for my penis.

So everyone could come and just be like Fine, I want to see that asshole Oh boy I want a coroner's report on that thing They're going to be like No matter what you die of They're going to be like, it was this He had a gunshot wound back there Yeah, I could get stabbed in the neck

And people would be like, it was his asshole It was his asshole No, he died, he bled out in like neck and people would be like, it was his asshole. It was his asshole. No, he died. He bled out in like two minutes. No, no, no, no, no. No, we've got a canyon back here. My asshole is the black hole of like, it could just suck things in at any moment. You know, like when people like tap a spoon on a dessert and then it like cracks open yeah a

creme brulee maybe yeah is that what your asshole looks like that that hole that a spoon cracking on yeah a creme brulee but you don't know what it looks like you because how does stevie wonder play the piano look i that's how you're able to like sense what it is look it's the same way freaking beethoven could still hear music. But assholes look bad anyway. Like, I mean, they look fine, I guess, but they're not like this beautiful, you know, it's the same way I feel about vaginas. Like aesthetically vaginas aren't just like, they look like flowers, I guess.

So you could be like, oh, that's beautiful. But that's a good point. You know, that's a good point. Because the asshole starts. No one expects your asshole to be that- of anything to be really hideous on you, an asshole is the best thing to be. I have a question about Andrew's asshole.

Go ahead, Noah. Please do. I was wondering, so you won't look at it with a mirror, but have you ever touched it to kind of get like the landscape? Yeah, that's the Stevie Wonder aspect. Yeah.

Yeah. He's Helen Keller in it. Yeah, so i could draw it because he rubs he rubs uh stuff on it oh okay got it so is it like a star shape like is it is it have like edges no there's like um there's like a uh uh what's it called like a like a tonsil thing. Adam's apple? Like the hemorrhoid if you... Oh, the little tab on the outside of it. But it's pretty long at this point.

I could probably get it removed. Wait, does it... Does your... Like when you poop, does that little tab lift? Like does it... And scrape along? Is it like coming out of a doggy door? Does your asshole have a flap over it?

Yeah, I have a flap hole. A mud flap. Yeah, I do have a mud flap. But I'm serious. Does it overhang your asshole? I could tuck it into my butthole. Have you done that before? Maybe.

Yes, that's a yes. Okay, next news story what if that is breaking news andrew collin admits yeah tucking his hemorrhoid into his ass my asshole has a drawbridge that's what i'm picturing, dude. The prince is here, and it's just a piece of shit going, I make cross. And then my asshole just opens up, and it goes, you make cross. God, why do I want to see it so bad? I know. I think the more I tell Brenna about it, the more she wants to. Yeah, Brenna's obsessed with it, too.

She wants to get in there, just because it's just like, yeah, just curiosity killed my asshole. Yeah, it is, you know, it's something. It'll definitely kill me. I mean, I joke about it, but, like, I do have to get a colonoscopy again soon. Like, I had polyps that were cancerous. Like, it will probably be the thing that kills me. Like. No.

Would you rather be stabbed in the neck yeah i want you to get stabbed in the neck that's so sad my great grandma at your funeral though what do i want some dips yeah like do you want it to be a you want you want a little door for your dick so we can all see that in your casket. An open... Yeah. And if you guys are worried about it being open, we could just do a little glass, little visual kind of thing, like a sky glass for my dick. Okay. And I want my dick to be fluffed a little bit because the last thing I want is for people to go, wow. Let's taxidermy it.

Yeah. And let's stuff it. Yeah. So before I die, just make sure I'm hard somewhat. Not fully, though, because that'd be go, wow. Let's taxidermy it. Yeah. And let's stuff it. Yeah, so before I die, just make sure I'm hard somewhat. Not fully, though, because that'd be embarrassing, too. So I want to be half hard when I die.

And... I want people to go, was he a shower or a grower or neither? Would you like to die having sex? You know, a lot of men die of heart attacks while they're having sex. Would that be... Would that feel good to you to have that be your story? I think it would be hilarious to die jerking off.

I just don't know if I'd want to do that to the other person. They'd never be able to have sex again. Oh, you want them to go on and have more partners after you. Yeah, I would like that. I mean, I would like them to come at least once before they die. Okay, next story. Let's see here. Sorry, I'm reading off the computer because my phone is...

Do you want me to share screen? I got you. A CNN producer is charged with attempting to entice minors for sex. He was able to convince the mothers of young daughters to allow the girls to be sexually submissive to him. Oh, God. Who is this guy? John Griffin conveyed thoughts, including one that a woman is a woman regardless of age, and that women should be sexually subservient and inferior to men.

On occasion, he gave $3,000 plane tickets to a mom and a nine-year-old to fly to his home in Boston where he engaged a daughter in unlawful sexual activity. Awful. Oh. That is, how, oh. He's also Chris Cuomo's producer from what I understand. It was who?

Chris Cuomo's producer. Oh my God. Oh, this guy's a producer. Okay. Jesus Christ. Oh man, come on. If you're into this shit, I know you don't choose it,

but you gotta make sure you protect people from yourself. Don't indulge in these things. Go get help. Jesus Christ. These poor kids. Everyone's going after CNN. Like, oh, now look who's the predator.

And that's where we've gotten to. It's like, who's the bigger predator? Where they get excited. Yeah. Where Fox News, the right gets excited because we have a pedophile in the left. And the left gets excited when people die that aren't vaxxed. We're pretty fucked up people. We are fucking fucked up. And this guy's obviously fuckeded. We're pretty fucked up people. We are fucking fucked up.

And this guy is obviously fucked up. I wonder how this guy got caught. Oh, because he was using Kik and Google Hangouts to solicit these people. And I guess somehow the FBI got a tip or something. Oh, God.

These guys are so dumb. Thank God. Horny men get dumb are stupid. I mean, thank God it's how so many of them get caught cause they just can't help themselves, but it's just, it's so tragic.

And that poor child who has to deal with the fact that their parents, you know, sometimes when you're molested, like it, your parents, it was like negligence possibly on your parents part but they didn't facilitate it a lot of times and at least you can have peace of mind knowing that maybe they didn't protect you in the way they needed to but um and a lot of times they do everything they can and it still happens i don't know part of me these guys are really wily as fuck and they'll get you they want to so it wasn't your fault no matter what happened to you it was not your fault but to have your mom fucking well

here's the thing though he paid three thousand dollars in plane tickets maybe the mom was just sick of flying like spirit and was like oh my god i could fly first class on american you know that's like i'll give up my kid to have that seat. You know what I mean? Like, that's how bad. Can you imagine sitting next to, like, we could have been sitting next to these people. Well, no. Like, you would watch a mom with her daughter and you just have no idea. Oh, yeah.

You have no idea what was going on. There's signs all the time. Like, if you see, it'd be weird though to say something. Those signs have been up, they're up everywhere now. I mean, I love it because obviously it's they're tackling human trafficking and trying to get these girls out and and boys too but i mean i really don't think that do you see those signs as often like in the stalls in men's stalls they're in the airport too on the wall in uh okay yeah well women for sure you know the ones that are saying like if you're in distress or if you are being held against your will.

Or if you see something. There's help. Text this number. It's like, well, they don't have a phone or tell a flight attendant. That's in the bathroom on planes is tell a flight attendant. And there's, you know, but these people, these kids know nothing else. And they think they're going to, you know, what? Who's easier to trick than a child?

You know, these guys are going after the most. No, honestly not. They're going after the most vulnerable prey. Yeah, they're fucking disgusting. You can get a kid to believe fucking anything. And they just, you know, instill this fear in them that they're going to, their parents will be taken away. They're going to get, they they'll die all you know kate can be tricked into so many things it's just we have to protect them and you got to look out for suspicious activity and the

interesting thing is rely on your gut even if you end up embarrassing yourself because you're worried about something else like i gotta start looking at things a little differently too because it is human trafficking is happening all the fucking time and you just see a young girl with a guy and you think oh that's just andrew and his girlfriend but it's it's it could be a relationship a consensual relationship but it could maybe be something else or that's a guy with his kids look her mom i paid her seven thousand dollars okay no but here's the thing like with the cnn thing i love when people go well you know if you act it's kind of the approach of like if you act better than or if you act or if you say you're great really you're a piece of shit you know they're they love that like like people love when people like fuck up that act better than the other person you know what i mean like they

fucking love that well usually that is what happens because these people know they're monsters and they have or they're sociopathic and they actually do think they're better and they walk around with a false sense of superiority but um yeah I mean, but who doesn't like to see that more than anything? All I want to see is people who think they're the shit fall. I know, it's great. That's the most soothing balm to my insecure soul there I can imagine is watching people fail miserably. I love it.

There's nothing better than someone with an insane amount of confidence eating dick. It's the best. I love it. Speaking of that. than someone with an insane amount of confidence eating dick. It's the best. I love it. Speaking of that. One last story before we go to break. A thief was a little, I think, too cocky because he got crushed to death by a Prius. While trying to steal the catalytic converter.

Catalytic converter. So he propped it up and then the thing fell on him? Yeah. The findings on the scene indicated that at some point during the cutting of the exhaust pipe, the vehicle fell off the automotive jack and on top of the male subject. You would think a Prius wouldn't be heavy enough, but I guess it was. Yeah, it would be like a styrofoam that you could just kick off yourself like a beach ball. Yeah, yeah.

He died from just being embarrassed. It wasn't weight oh my god um yeah well i mean that's sad it's sad you know like i know he was a criminal and he was doing nefarious shit but no one wants to be stealing catalytic converters to make a living it's you know no one what no one would that's not no one wants to be i mean maybe some people do love being a criminal but that poor guy like that wasn't the end that's not what he was wanting to do i feel i feel sad for him um i'm sure i was like that's like a fucking mouse trap though you know i mean it's uh i think he probably thought even if it fell he'd be fine but you know shout out to him and everything yeah and his family and shout out and the guy who's

prius has to be washed now oh man being crushed to death would fucking suck. Dude, I can't even. That's got to be up there in worse ways to die. Drowning is a top. That's a top one. But being just slowly crushed to death by something heavy when you feel it, and then it just keeps on going. And it's got to be slow. Getting crushed to death by a Prius is like drowning in a baby pool.

It's just pathetic. You know? is like drowning in like a baby pool like it's just pathetic you know that isn't the car that you want to you want to get a honda you know a honda leaf or nissan leaf at least it wasn't that man crushed by vespa it's just like yeah you want it to be a semi truck you know you want to get smashed by a mac truck that's what you want yeah or a sprinter van like you want it to be a semi-truck. You want to get smashed by a Mack truck. That's what you want. Or a sprinter van. It's got to be something big, but not a, you know, what are those cubes with the hamsters that dance?

Oh, my God. Oh, the Scion. Scion, yeah. That would suck. I'd just rather them not say the make or model of the car if something happens to me in one of those. Yeah, just say it at four wheels. Man, it would suck to die in a goddamn Uber. That would be the fucking worst, being in an Uber and being like,

I didn't need to even – I could have gone with a different car if that guy would have been running. There's so many what ifs. Oh, I got in a wreck in a cab in New York. You did? The cab driver got in a wreck, and I just got out. I was like, I'm not dealing with this shit. I got in a wreck in a cab in New York. You did? The cab driver got in a wreck and I just got out. I was like, I'm not dealing with this shit. I got in another cab.

Oh, I've gotten pulled over before and just gotten out and been like to the cop, like, I'm not part of this. I'm going to just go. But that's when I was drinking. I was like, it's not a big deal. I'll just leave to see. I just left. I got in another cab.

Yeah. When you're drinking, all you do is care about yourself. It's just the weirdest place. Even when you're sober. I just is care about yourself it's just the weirdest place even when you're sober that's i just like did it i wasn't making good decisions but last night when we were checking in the hotel and i was like man the last time i was here i was drinking so much and i was like i don't know like and andrew's like god i weak i wish i would have known you back then i'm like you kind of do i feel like i'm the same i don't really remember being that much different i was like i might have been a little bit happier i was dying but now i don't have um you know i don't have

immense guilt all the time and that that that equals uh something that equals the very last episode let's take a break and come back with Why Do I Can't. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year,

offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early. Well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to how to money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your

podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show ears edition podcast from his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now plus you'll get special content just for podcast listeners like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines listen on the iheart radioRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we've had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions,

including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. Good people, what's up? It's Questo, Questlove.

And Team Supreme and I have been working hard to bring you some incredible episodes of Questlove Supreme with guests you definitely don't want to miss. Now, one of the things I love about this Questlove Supreme podcast is we got something for everybody, every type of musical ever. We enjoy speaking to the people who are the face of some movements, some people you've seen on stage or TV or magazine covers, but we also love speaking to the folks who are making it happen behind the scenes

and they paved the way for those that followed. You know, keystones to the folks who are making it happen behind the scenes and they paved the way for those that followed, you know, keystones to the culture this season. We've had some amazing one-on-one conversations. I'm going to pay bill chatting up with hip maker, Sam Holland, sugar, Steve chatting with the legend,

Nick Lowe. And I've had pleasures doing one-on-one conversations with Willow, Sonata, Matreya, Kathleen, Hannah, and the RZA. These are conversations you won't hear anywhere else.

So make sure you go back and you check those episodes out, alright? Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful.

I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator.

You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him.

Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right. Why do I care? Why do I care? Why do you care, Nick? Michael Strahan goes into space. How do we feel about it? He does.

He went. Yeah, he went to space. He became the first American news anchor to fly to space following Saturday's flight. Was that the $3,000 flight? Yeah. It's CNN by that form. Jeff Bezos, the blue origin. The 11-minute flight lets ticket holders

travel over three times the speed of sound, float wait lists for several minutes, and witness life-changing... It's an 11-minute flight. You're not floating for several minutes. Wait, he was out there several minutes. Sorry. No, it says it's an 11 minute flight and then it says you float weightless for several minutes. No, you don't.

What do you mean? 11 minutes isn't several. Oh, yeah, it is. I think several is four and more. If I'm saying it's going to be several hours, what do you think? The taping is going to take several hours. What do you think several is going to be?

I would say it's more than a couple. No, that depends on the chunk of time. If it's minutes, I think several minutes is 250 minutes. No, what? Yes, that's how. Andrew, if I say that our Uber is arriving in several minutes, how many minutes is that going to be? 50 to 60 minutes. No way does anyone think several minutes is 50 to 60 minutes.

You would say about an hour then. Yeah. Dude. It depends on the chunk of time, Nikki. So several seconds would be thousands of seconds. Several minutes would be hundreds of minutes. Several hours would be of seven or eight hours no no no one agrees with you on this i'm already speaking for every bestie

if i say the uber's arriving in a couple minutes that's two minutes if i say several minutes it's around four or five a few minutes is three the Uber driver was floating in air in a shuttle for several minutes. I would think it was about seven minutes. I would guess several is seven. This is blowing my mind. Call someone.

Ask them what you think several minutes is. My phone is recording. I'll call my parents right now. Don't use it in the Uber setting because Uber is only that doesn't work. I'm not. I'm going to say they floated in space for several minutes. I'm going to ask what that is. I think it was.

Don't tell him 11 minutes. I'm not. I'm not going to. I'm not saying anything else. Talk about several rings. A few rings hey mom you're on my podcast can i ask you a question yes i'm with puppy right now oh is dad there too hi say hi nikki hi Poppy. I miss you and I love you.

Say, what's your question? Poppy. Poppy. Are there monsters? Where? Right there. Oh, my God. Right there? Oh, no.

Will you protect me from them? Several monsters? She's shaking her head yes. Okay, good. Thank you, no. Will you protect me from them? Several monsters? She's shaking her head yes. Okay, good. Thank you, Poppy. I have a quick question. Mom, if I told you that someone floated in space for several minutes, approximately how many minutes would you think that is?

For several minutes? Yeah. Oh, good guess, Poppy i know poppy i'm so scared okay several minutes is three to four to five okay thank you for that i'm gonna call dad and get his response um poppy i love you bye, Nikki. This is just showing me your whole family. Bye, sweetie. You want to call your dumb family? I would, but I can't. Call my brother.

Oh, you know my family's not dumb. Call Matt. He's not blood. I'll call Matt. I'm calling my dad right now, but I'll call Matt too. I'll call Matt I'm calling my dad right now but I'll call Matt too I'll call Anya I'll call everyone pick up EJ

my dad knows what's capable in space he's very educated about space travel come on pick up Glazedog come on babe pick up come on cutie. I'm going to call Matt. Here's the thing.

You got to say they were in a space shuttle floating, not just floating. Because I'm picturing a guy just... They won't be able to hear him. Floating in a space shuttle. You want me to say that? You're in a space shuttle in space and they floated in space for several minutes. How long is that? I mean, this is a non-starter,

dude. No one... You could pull everyone and 100% of people are going to say less than 10. Less than 10? It doesn't even make sense. I'm going to ask my very smart sister, too. If you said to me, hey, I got to drive several miles to get to you.

Is that four or five fucking miles? Yes, dude. What? Hey. Hey, Lauren, you're on my podcast. I have a quick question. It's nothing personal. Okay, what's up?

Hey, if I told you that someone went up in a space shuttle and that they floated in space for several minutes, how many minutes approximately do you think that would be? Several minutes? Yes. I don't know, like at least six, six minutes. Okay, thank you for your answer. Is anyone else with you that could answer this question

any adults um no there's just a baby okay well i just spoke to poppy and she also said that it was several monsters uh that were at mom and dad's okay okay thank you we're gonna wait andrew wants me to ask you something else said hey you, hey, you gotta drive If you have to drive several miles Several miles How many miles do you think that would be? It's several miles to get to me Several, I mean it's gotta be over five But under how many?

I don't know how to answer I would say ten and below Five to ten, thank you That is what several means. And that is. Is that what you think it means? Of course. Because it's what everyone thinks it means.

Andrew thinks that if someone floats in space for several minutes, it should be like thousands of minutes. What? Several means a lot. No. Several is not. Then you would just say. Andrew thinks several is a lot. A ton.

Like a lot. Yes. Or you would say up to an hour. Then you would just go to hours. Okay, thank you for your input, Lauren. We're going to keep going. All right, bye. Man.

All right, let's try my friend Kat. Can we Google several? Can you Google it noah yeah yeah just google it maybe then we could just figure this out because in my mind oh here several more than two but not many is the definition hi anya you're on podcast. Can I ask you a quick question? Sure. Of course. Are you with any other adults right now? Yes. Okay. Independently, I want to ask, will you pose this question to both you and the, are you with Matt? Yes. Okay. If I told you that a space shuttle took off and they were in space and that the astronaut floated several minutes in space, approximately how many minutes would several minutes be?

Several minutes? Yeah, approximately how many minutes is several? Five to seven. Thank you. And Matt, would Matt agree with that or disagree? I always agree with Anya. Okay, but if Anya weren't there, how many is several? Probably five to ten. Okay, now if I told you I was several miles away from you, how many miles would that be?

Definitely over five and less than ten. Thank you. Final answer. Thanks, guys. I'll call you later. All right, so I rest my case, guys. I'll call you later. Alright, so I rest my case, Andrew. Are you done? I gotta, wait, Noah,

definition? Okay, the definition of I will not use it in a sentence, but the definition is a small number a small number more than two, but not many.

Why do I, in my mind think A several years is a long jail sentence Well a several isn't a thing It's just several A several is I don't know what that is Dude I feel like I'm in a weird matrix right now I think this is What's that thing called?

The Mandela. The Magellan effect or the Mandela effect. Yeah, where you think the Berenstain Bears, you think it's, but it's always been Bernstein. Several times. Or that you think Mr. Peanut has a monocle, but he does not have a monocle. Is there a word, really?

Whoa. Yeah, Mr. Peanut doesn't have a monocle. Isn't that wild? Really? Whoa. Yeah, Mr. Peanut doesn't have a monocle. Isn't that wild? He never has. What? Wasn't that his whole thing? I know. Dude, he's nuts. Dude, he is a peanut, but he has never had a monocle. Look it up. It's wild. That is Mandela effect. He was sentenced to several

years in jail. Yes. Mandela was. That makes it feel like 30 way more several no it's several is not 30 andrew andrew i'm gonna find something maybe there's a word mandela all right let's go to uh did we get to um oh yeah we did why do i care that's michael strahan i mean i care because you don't know what the definition of several is. That was over several minutes ago. Final thought.

Let's go through quick top one, bottom one, because this is a quick one. We're going to do condiments. Let's start with bottom. Your least favorite condiment. All right. Who's going? Oh, what are we doing? Least favorite first?

I'm going to go. This is tough. Spicy mustard. Whoa. Oh, because you're an asshole. No, but taste. But yes, that too. Taste.

Okay, like a Dijon? I don't like Dijon A's. If you add mayonnaise to anything, your boy's digging in. Oh, God, that's a little foreshadowing. Yeah, that's my bottom one. Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. Anything with mayonnaise in it, I'm out. Don't like it.

Don't want to smell it. Don't want to touch it. Don't want to hear about it. I would rather eat cum. I would rather eat a strange man's cum than mayonnaise. I'm not even joking you. It's gross. Well, that's not true because I don't want to get diseases, but mayonnaise

is foul. Noah, least favorite condiment. You get mayonnaise. Does pesto count as a condiment? You don't like pesto. I didn't know we could go into sauces.

Oh, you can go into anything that you can rub on something. It's a spread. Pesto spread. What about the pesto that you don't like? You don't like pine nuts. Oh, it's not the pine nuts. It's whatever the green stuff is. You're not a fan of green cilantro?

I don't think it's cilantro. So, okay, pesto. Interesting. It's too herby. And I like. Interesting. It's too herby. And I like herbs, but it's too herby. I thought you were going to say urban, and I was like, easy there. Andrew, number one condiment. It's going to blow your mind.

Wait, wait, wait. What's mayonnaise? I know it's mayonnaise. No, my bottom is spicy mustard. My top, spicy mayonnaise. There's a spicy mayonnaise? Yeah, dude. At Japanese restaurants.

Oh, and the white sauce at Benihana. Yeah, that's good. That's the shit. Okay. But it makes me shit before I leave the fucking... Oh, that fucks my stomach up. But God, it's good. Okay, what about you?

Okay, I'm going to go... You know, we did salad dressings last... So I can't count salad dressings but I would go with that Carrot ginger salad dressing I would dip anything Fucking in that but ketchup is my Number one I love ketchup and I love And I'm just gonna throw one in there for fun Sweet onion dressing

At Subway As a condiment to put on your sandwich It's so fucking good it changes everything Andrew can you co-sign on that I put several fucking pumps Of it on everything andrew can you co-sign on that i put several fucking pumps of it on i know i was like that's too many no uh number one condiment number one has to be a barbecue sauce and my favorite is stubs yeah stubs is good oh yeah i love like barbecue sauce because it even comes in manly containers.

It's always like a boot. I hit my wife before I made this. Like, shut up. And I love it warmed up. It's a little tip. Oh. Warm it up. What's the weirdest thing you put your favorite condiment on that you've been known to put

your favorite condiment on? Mac and cheese. Mac and cheese. Mac and cheese. Oh, that sounds delicious actually. Oh, put barbecue on there. Yeah, smart. Smart. Thank you. Would you put it on a stub? Would you put stubs on a stub and lick it off of a stub? Yes. If it's warmed up. Okay.

Warmed up. That stub had been plotting something and rubbing its stubs together going, I have a plan. Hey, be thankful for your hands. Be thankful for your stubs together going, I have a plan. Hey, be thankful for your hands. Be thankful for your stubs. Be thankful for anything you have. I had a friend in college named Dylan McCracken, and he would put mayonnaise.

I'm not lying. He'd put mayonnaise on Chef Boyardee in the can. He wouldn't even heat it up. He'd put the mayonnaise in the can eat the can with the mayonnaise he dropped out of college failed out i mean i will put ketchup on any fucking thing anything but you know the weirdest thing i eat with ketchup like i i use the sugar-free ketchup that is um i get at whole foods i don't know the exact brand of it. I just love it. It's so good.

It's like ketchup. Very good. Kensington. What did you say? It's very rich. Kensington. Oh. My favorite snack I eat, and sometimes I just crave it.

I haven't been lately. Seaweed snack. I've told this before. You take a seaweed snack. You take a little piece of just cold fucking tofu firm you slice it you make a little slice you put it in the seaweed snack on one half of it then you put a dollop of hummus or baba ghanoush on top of the um tofu and then you fold over the seaweed snack and you dip it in ketchup that is my like favorite meal i'm so weird not weird I love it I love ketchup

But I don't like I like a thicker ketchup I don't like runny ketchup Of course Yeah I mean it's And that ketchup water I mean I'd rather drink

Trash water Like the water At the bottom of a trash bag It is interesting Ketchup water is so foul You don't want to bring Condiments Into the bed

Like you wouldn't want To put ketchup on a penis No No But you'd want to put ketchup on a penis. No. You'd want to put something sweet on it. You'd put some stubs on a stub if you know what I mean. Oh yeah. Alright guys, that's the show for today. Hope you got something out of it. I sure did.

Andrew, this several thing is blowing my mind, dude. That was final thought. Yeah, we did top my mind dude we did that was final thought yeah we did top one bottom one was final i said it i meant it but uh yeah we'll be back this week uh we're gonna be in los angeles for this uh this week so we'll have some good la stories um we're gonna be off on wednesday we'll be off on wednesday so we're gonna beat off on wednesday and be off um just want to give you a heads up for that We're going to beat off on Wednesday and be off. Just want to give you a heads up for that.

We're taking the day off. Our schedules just do not align to make it work. But we will be here tomorrow and on Thursday, so don't worry about that. And don't be cut out there. And Jack Antonoff. I think those are both repeats, but we're doing the best we can. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well,

you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment

to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme.

Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You've got to check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to mini questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. You are cordially invited to... the hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club.

Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.