The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #15 Making A Wishbone

Episode Date: April 15, 2021

Between You and Nikki she has been doing research on crying and so far she's made progress in finding another embarrassing book title to add to her collection. Andrew is a little crusty from sleeping in late while Nikki enjoyed Howard Stern's interview with John Stamos. Before he gets to the news, Andrew shares a story that will explain the title of this episode and won't make his mom proud. Nikki goes on a Reddit Dump and they close out the show sharing too much about personal passwords and their confusion over glass doors. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hi, guys. Thanks, Noah. Thanks, Anya Marina, who does my theme song. I got to catch up with Anya Marina yesterday.

Being in the Cayman Islands for the last six years of my life, I haven't really, I've lost touch with all of my friends and family. But I called my friend. I used to talk to Anya every single day, every other day, even when I was living in St. Louis. It's, it's so hard for me to keep in touch with best friends. Like I have like LA best friends when I live there.

I see them every day. Really one. Yeah. One. And then, uh, and then I moved to New York and I like, don't call her every day.

We just like, it's, we're not a long distance friendship as much. And then I moved to New York and I like don't call her every day. We just like, we're not a long distance friendship as much. And then I moved back to LA and we're like instant friends again. But Anya, I'm able to keep that one up generally, but not in the Cayman Islands. No, no, no. But we caught up yesterday. I also called my parents yesterday and talked with them. What did they tell me? Oh my God.

I wish I could say what they told me. Oh, I made them look at all my pictures from the Cayman Islands, and I kept sending them pictures, and my mom was just zooming in on the bodies of the people on my show, like the men on my show. There's a lot of shirtless muscled men they were in bed and my dad was like getting jealous he's like you gotta zoom in on the guys

oh he's zooming on the guys my mom's like EJ I'm just looking at what she's doing I'm not you think I'm looking at their bodies you're sick and it was fun I'm just gearing up like i guess i'm just like trying to assimilate back into the real world because i will be back there in a week from today it's

wednesday right last day filming is tomorrow and uh getting ready to say goodbye to the show. I did a meditation yesterday that I've been like, I was like Googling between you and me, Noah. I can't feel my feelings. I don't know if you know that. Or like I can, but they just are like, they're not. I can imagine because this has been your world for almost two months.

I mean, 24 hours, seven days a week. Right. Yes. It's very, it's like, it's like a vacation, a really long vacation ending. I hate when I don't like going on vacations because I don't like the end of them. Like, I don't like, we have one more day. We got to go out on the boat and we got it. Like, I hate having this pressure to do all these things that you didn't do. And, and just like knowing when you walk in your door and your house smells kind of stale from when you left it. And there's like, you have to go to the grocery store because there's like old stuff in the

fridge, nothing you want to eat. You're happy to see your dog, but like, are you? No, I'm very happy to see Luigi. That's like the only,

and my like niece and nephew who I think are in college now. Um, I'm excited to see them. I'm excited to, uh, get our apartment together and maybe get some video going on this podcast very soon. Thank you for being patient with us. Um, but yeah, I was, I like Googled how to feel your feelings because I just like, I want to be someone who cries a lot more. I've talked about this a lot, I think, but I just like, like crying.

It feels so good. It's almost like the way I felt about, uh, you know, having orgasms when I first like kind of got myself, like, it's not easy for me to do that. It's a lot easier for a lot of

other girls I believe and definitely men to achieve that release um for me it takes a really really long time because it's just like such a vulnerable thing and it's also like such a you you let go of this thing that feels so good and you're almost scared you won't get to do it again and I'm like a very I'm very into like deprivation and like you don't deserve it till you like work for it and once you have it then you're not gonna like like it all starts with like I first did this with food like oh you want to be as hungry as possible when you finally eat so that it tastes as good and then when it's over it's like like now you have to wait again until it's good again. And isn't that

not as fun? And now your fun is over. And so that's the way I feel about orgasms even though they just can keep on coming if you do it right. If you're lucky. Do you have multiples? I've had, but I've just been so lazy these

days. I know that I'm capable of achieving it but it's just like I'm good with one and then just laying down see my first is like is on the let's say a scale of 1 to 10 of like 10 being the best my first is like a 3

then my second is like a 5 and then it goes up and I can only get to a 10 either if I wait and like wait and don't have the first five and then wait as long as it would take to have the first five or I have to have those first five and climb the orgasm ladder. Um, so for me, like, you know, sometimes someone's like, wow, you just had three. That's, you're done. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. We're only at a seven right now. We got, we got, we got some room.

But it's the same for crying. It's like, I just like tried so hard to like, think about my feelings and like try to squeeze some tears out, try to squirt from my eyes um but there's this book i've i i found in my crying research of feeling your feelings called letting go my books if you looked at my books on my phone it is so humiliating first of all you have something to do with one of the well one of these books is called how to not die alone someone recommended that to me and said it was just like filled filled with like some of these are just like cool sociological psychological research i didn't buy that book yet i just did the sample how to not die alone um body image relationships and sexuality is another book seduction is another book another book called so sad today and then it gets into my fiction. Then she was gone. I mean, like, it's all like the saddest and then getting to, I do of course is, is in there as well. Brushing up, um,

for my friends, letting go the pathway of surrender by David R Hawkins. Anyway, it's about how to feel your feelings. I did a meditation yesterday on the beach. After I came back from a run, I felt vulnerable and it was just like, whatever feeling you want to feel, sit in the feeling and let it be. You can't let it go without letting it be. Call it in. And I was like, say it. And I was like, out looking at the water alone. I was like, sadness, sadness, come visit, like, come on in. Let's like feel it. And then it was like, if you're you're feeling resistance to it, like where does where do you feel it in your body? And i'm like I couldn't I the second I would go somewhere that would make me sad

I would think about like a dead friend or like be like Oh, you were such a scared little girl or like have some empathy for myself that makes me start to like choke up This like fucking wall would come down of like get out of here like and so then it was like if there's a resistance observe that so i didn't get to cry yesterday but i um what always makes me tear up and i could probably go full-blown crying if i just really lean into it uh when i text you that i'm running 15 minutes late but we all know it's more like 45 what no no no um so i follow these dog shelter these animal shelter accounts on instagram and if i start reading the story and then looking into

the dog's eyes forget it i'm done that's good okay you're right animal stuff will get me i went to a petting zoo yesterday the the Cayman Parrot Sanctuary, and they handed me a goddamn bird as I walked in. I walked in, we didn't even pay, and they slid over this baby cockatiel, and it was named Turner, and I carried it with me all day long. It's on my Instagram. It says, I love birds, and that's Turner. And I got to carry it it the whole damn day I had so much fun at this goddamn petting zoo I don't have time to tell you about it But it was I'll definitely talk about it later It was so fun

But yeah that that I almost cried last night Because I was watching TikTok And there was a story about a frog That was like living alone in this really sad bowl You know like in some pet store Like I don't know it was some TikTok About this frog that like lived for years Just alone like in a bowl and it was like all this and this person took it and was like can i put in my aquarium at home and it like became friends with other frogs it was just

thriving and its colors changed and it just like the idea that animals are alone in captivity and are sad. And, you know, the line in that Seaspiracy documentary that is the worst name ever. They were talking about dolphins when they're in those, you know, aquatic centers. Never, ever, ever, ever support any dolphin show anywhere, no matter how much they say they give to like dolphin research. Just please don't go. Just trust me on this. But they said the line, and I think I said it already, those places take everything that's worth, they, any, everything that's, every reason for living from a, for a dolphin, they strip it up in those places. Every reason that a dolphin has to live, they take it from it and its life is

just miserable. And that kind of like image, uh, is horrifying. So don't support those places that keep those little goldfish in those bowls. Don't support places that have animals in cages alone. Even though they're like, oh, we give back. And 25 cents of your $8 squeaky toy purchase is going to elephant blankets. It's all a lie. Just stop buying animals. Only rescue. Don't buy only rescue don't buy animals don't buy animals but nikki don't tell us that we don't like the taste of alcohol i do like it and my animal is purebred but i love him i know i love him too your dog is beautiful even though it's

purebred but andrew has a story that has both uh like animal sadness and alcohol. I cannot wait. Let's get him in here. Please don't DM me about your dog. I love your perfect pedigree dog and maybe you didn't know better when you got it and that's okay. Now you do. Let's all have fun. Let's get into it. Jon Stewart is back at the

Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Are you sure it's on shore? I'm sure, sure. All right. Seven. Andrew. What's going on? good morning good morning you just came down from bed like this actually feels usually you're like up and about but today it felt like i honestly woke you up uh you didn't wake me up but i definitely hit snooze until about 8 55

and you started the pot at 9 a.m yeah so yeah your boys come in and slow he's creeping in a little bleary eye he's still getting the sleep out of his eyes yeah bro it's crusty in there yeah how crusty do your eyes get mine gets so crusty that i don't think someone would fuck me in the morning unless i wait in the morning you always have like tons of crusts yeah is that a bad thing i don't think it's a bad thing it's just i don't know that it's like normal oh i mean i have a little tons of crusts. Yeah, is that a bad thing? I don't think it's a bad thing. It's just I don't know that it's normal. Oh. I mean, I have a little bit of crusties, but it's usually from eye makeup.

You know what I get is I put on so much hair conditioner for my tangly hair that I get a lot of conditioner in my ear that gets stuck. And every single day, I forget. And it looks like I have just ears filled with cum every day it's my makeup artists who have worked with me if they're listening they know exactly they're always like what is it i'm like it's fucking cum conditioner i mean could you imagine if that was your your kink that was the hole you decided that that would lead to so

many infections it's such a little penis yeah my ear holes are so tiny we all know this um how'd you sleep i guess i said i guess i know i slept well when i wake up and my eyes look like a you know a bull just shot a loads in them you know don't think that's good sleep. Whenever my eyes look shitty, I'm like, oh, I didn't sleep well at all. Because I look tired still. A well-rested equals like... I mean, you always look tired in the morning. Not you, but the general. Those people that look more refreshed right when they wake up, get out of here.

No one looks that way. I was just listening to John Stamos on Howard Stern. I bet he looks that way. What a life that guy has had why what has he done like i just it was just howard and him are like best friends he was just talking about like when his dad died um he was really close with his dad when his dad died he just decided to like surround himself with like cool old men because he wanted to still have that like father figure in his life of like a cool older man and so he became best friends with don rickles and don rickles he just like met in a restaurant and

don rickles was like kind of forgotten by the world at this point like this is in the 80s i guess or maybe 90s and he just showed don rickles a lot of attention and then just started bringing people around to rickles house to like meet him and then r Rickles had this resurgence in the 2000s and and then he's friends with like Jack Klugman he like had all these stories about like these older men that he became friends with he played with the Beach Boys John Stamos is pretty amazing

I saw him once at a it was the finale of Last Comic Standing and I think I went back to like support my friends that were in it and like we were at a part we had some bar Standing and I think I went back to like support my friends that were in it and like we were at some bar afterwards and I definitely made eyes with Joss Davis across the room like it was like like he probably does that with everyone

but it was definitely eye contact where I was like a really old man yeah he probably wanted to become friends with me and play you know checkers and back game shuffleboard yeah other old people games cribbage I love a game of shuffleboard yeah i didn't have makeup on and i was 24 so no he probably thought you were a young

chicken too yeah me and you both when we sleep too we get these lines the lines on like you know oh yeah that's probably why he thought i was an old man i just taking a nap yeah yeah you're just napping that was cool that you went back and supported. I don't know if I would have... I would want to do something like that. Oh, yes, you would. It's fun to go. Like, I went back on Dancing with the Stars. I went to the finale, even though they

literally didn't invite me. I was first voted off, and they didn't invite me to the finale. They weren't even going to tell me about it until the guy who won put me in his fucking dance in the end. that's the only reason i got to go back when you showed up where people like why are you here um no they knew because i was in the dance but no one was like excited everyone was just like it was just the vibe had changed you know the last time i had been on set it was like well think about this show starting you're a contestant we love you so much you're the most important person in the world to us and then voted off and it's

like you mean nothing literally like ghosted by a show it's very very uh emotionally abusive but that's just the way it has to work because they're in the middle of making the show they can't make you feel special anymore you're you're out Bye-bye. It felt like a really cold breakup. In more ways than one, you know what I'm saying? I mean, I do know what you're saying. Get it, get it, get it, get it. Get it, get it, get it, get it.

We all know Vegas. No, we don't. No one knows Vegas. What happens in Vegas stayed in your mouth for a while. Don't say any of that. Why? That's so gross. I'm just saying.

You came home from Vegas. Everyone always says what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. It's not true. It's just not true. Well, that just makes me sound like a real whore. Well. I gave three blowjobs in three years. Huh?

In three years, I've given, no, four. To four, that's not that many. That's not at all. I mean, you are so far from a whore. And I've had sex with one person in eight years. I mean. No. Yes.

I'd rather you be a complete dirty whore. I mean, whatever you just told me is way sadder people think that i am so it's you know that's that's fucking great just having to constantly go like i know that i talk about sex a lot but i don't have it because it's just like so easy for people to dismiss you as uh a whore well people like simplifying things and men like that because then when they can't get you it's like i don't even want her she's a whore and when they do get you they uh feel like they don't deserve you so they write you off as like uh she's a whore and then they get you know it's just like this whore thing women need to stop acknowledging being called sluts or whores and not have to be like,

but I'm not. Like, that's the thing that makes me mad is that I have to be like, but look at here are my stats. It's like I can, my stats could be anything and I don't get to serve to be called a slut or a whore. And guess who is on the receiving end of our whoring men, the same men who are like, I don't want to be with her because she's a whore. Well, who suck it? Who sucked your dick all through college? Fucking whoring. Men. The same men who are like, I don't want to be with her because she's a whore. Well, who sucked your dick

all through college? Fucking whores. Girls that you're calling whores. I suck my own dick. What about that? No, I tried once. You did? Yeah, we've all tried.

If you haven't tried sucking your dick and you're a guy, you're a liar. First of all. I tried to help my buddying. The first dick, I tried to help a friend suck his own penis and you guys like got behind him and pushed his back in camp we each grabbed

a leg like a chicken wing like you we were making a wish like a wishbone and we i was on one leg and my i bet you were pushing harder than anyone I bet you wanted that to happen more than anyone. I'm a good friend, dude. You have like a penis fascination, though. Sure. A penis length and fascination. But we pushed. And so this kid went through puberty before everyone. Right.

You were picking the guy with the. So he picked us. He's like, yo, bro, I can't quite get there, dude. No way. He took you aside like, listen, I wouldn't ask Joey this, but you're my main man. Yeah. I know you can grab my leg in a way that's going to get us there. I might suck my dick and you might go down in history with me.

Yeah, in the history books. As one of my guys. It's like being asked to be a pallbearer or a best man. At Camp Kutcher's. Yeah. And so my other buddy grabbed his leg. And another prepubescent kid. So we thought he was the coolest because he had pubes. Oh, my God.

We tried to push. And we pushed. We're like, bro, we got you, dude. We got you. It was kind of like we were just working in a factor. You know, it wasn't sex. It was just work. But you couldn't get there?

We couldn't. I mean, I don't know who's to blame, but it didn't get there. And I apologize to everyone involved. I apologize to everyone listening to our conversation. And not just your part. My part, too. It's early in the morning for us. Yeah, but by the time this comes out, it'll be right in time for a wishbone jerk.

Oh, yeah. So you slept well is what I'm saying. Yeah. Someone goes, you don't say fuck, but you could talk about shaving hairy assholes. I know. People are always going always gonna be like but this and and no i know you were trying to be funny but um to the person that said that yeah but we can't do i i just i can't take criticism what's wrong with me either what's wrong i neither one of us literally can't take it i can't take any criticism that anyone has and it's like and i'm saying this as someone not to say don't criticize us because it's a part of being a human and you have every right to like not love everything. But I just like don't have space for it because I can't fix everything.

And my people pleasing thing is going off. And I just I want everyone to be happy, but I can't make everyone happy. I don't like people and I don't like podcasts and I don't like Molly's Game, the movie, and I'm allowed to not like it. So why are people not allowed to like me? That's not fair. So don't like me if you don't want to. I don't know why you're listening.

Well, I think, I think there's a difference between, well, I guess because we get a forum to talk about our criticisms. But neither one of us would ever be caught dead on YouTube or on Instagram writing a five-sentence long paragraph about why this person sucks or how they could do better. I could do that, though. I could do that. But have you ever done? No. I've never done something like that. Never. So when I see it

it makes me angry because I think I would never do that. I mean the worst I do is I go on Reddit and I'll just write underneath people's things you hate women and your mom didn't love you enough clearly. Wait you're writing comments on me? Yeah. Last night I was talking with my friend who also

used to be a Redditor and my private Reddit account that's secret. I've got 4,297 karma. That's just from people not knowing who I am. That's seven years of Redditing. That really doesn't mean anything to anyone and barely means anything to me. I don't really know how much karma you're supposed to have. But, yeah, I comment and stuff all the time. I mean, I had to get off there because I just couldn't take how much people hated women.

I quit Reddit for a while because I was like, these men hate women so freaking much. We're going to do a Reddit dump later in the show, which is where I go through my favorite stuff on Reddit and share some of it with you. I love Reddit, but man, there's a lot of misogyny on there. And it just makes me sad to be a woman because you can't, you'll never beat it. And it's all from people just hating their moms and their moms were bad to them because they had bad moms and dads and even what you're saying it just it doesn't come from women it's just that or like it's not even the men's fault that they hate their moms and then hate women it's just it's just the way it is and it sucks. You'll get people going, I love my mom and I still hate women.

Exactly. And guess what? You then hate your aunt or your grandma or your sister. No, I love them too. I know. People do that all the time. My mom, I love her so much. Then you love her maybe too much and she maybe touched you in weird ways when she gave you a bath when you were a kid.

And maybe she didn't need to take your temperature by sticking a thermometer up your ass hey look what happened in vegas your mom took your temperature in vegas like there's just always weird stories like that of like oh my mom used to rub calamine lotion on my penis for poison ivy and it's like that didn't need to happen it wasn't necessarily like molestation but like you were an old enough boy to not put it on like to be able to put it on your penis yourself so looking back on those things through a lens of like i wasn't molested by my mom but like that was not okay is is is maybe a reason you might be a gamer dude and like when a woman logs onto your fucking whatever it is, you like harass her.

I just read about this on Reddit today. Let's get to the news. Oh, Poison Ivycock. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Ah, you heard it here first. I thought I'd give him a live one. Yeah, I dig it.

Yeah, yeah. Give him something real. Yeah. Yeah, you heard it here first dig it. Yeah, yeah. Give them something real. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I dig it. You want to say one? That's the same as your mom, the impression you do of your mom, who you love but also have resentments towards.

Oh, for sure. I mean, that calamine on my, you know. No, you don't hate women because you're your mom, though, which is interesting. No, I hate women for many other reasons. But I hope you're having fun out there. By the way, women hate men because of their dads, too. This is a two-way street, but most of the time, the aggression towards women is a little bit scarier

because you guys are stronger than us and you can rape us. Go on. I still hope you're having fun out there. And women can't rape men, too. I didn't mean to say that we couldn't, but it's more common than a man. Let's get to the news. And you're still having fun, I bet.

I hope you're having all the swells, too, for sure. I mean, you know, I really do. Like, I know the times aren't easy all the time. So, you know, just keep your head up. Well, this doesn't need to get longer. No, that's it. That was it. That was going to be the whole thing.

Oh, great. Okay. So if you're having fun, I'm having fun. So swells. Okay. The first story, folks, is a doozy. I'll tell you. An alcoholic monkey, not my uncle, in India has been sentenced to life behind bars in

a zoo prison after attacking. This is the funniest headline ever. I know you're laughing, but we're going to be crying very soon. The primate killed one man after booze dried up. And the monkey will spend the rest of his life in zoo prison. Yeah. Many of the victims, primarily women and girls. Okay, this gets sadder.

Because this monkey had a bad mom. No, the monkey was regularly given alcohol by his owner who died three years ago and he turned aggressive because he couldn't get the alcohol anymore can you imagine this monkey being right like just an alcoholic monkey like the worst alcoholic you know in your life and then all of a sudden that you know the thing about alcoholics is that they can keep getting alcohol because they're humans and they can purchase it and find ways to get it. Monkeys can't. A monkey can't voice, like, I need alcohol.

It just starts having the DTs. I mean, monkeys are so close to humans. I'm sure this monkey was just going through just the worst withdrawals, probably teetering on the brink of death and then just turned to rage because it was an alcoholic that couldn't get its drug and then started attacking women, disfigured

women and children because they preyed on a weaker. He killed like one person. And he killed one person too. And now this monkey, they put it into a zoo and the monkey did not calm down. They tried to give it a vegetarian diet to calm it down.

I'm sure there's other things you can try. Get him some whiskey. What are we waiting for here it's a good point give the monkeys some shots and let them rage do they drink in india yeah you drink they drink all over pretty much but okay um but yeah no i i'd say you you know now the monkey it was so aggressive to other monkeys they have to they're putting this monkey to live alone for the rest of its life i mean i can't believe they haven't put this monk in solitary confinement the rest of its life when really it could probably be rehabilitated but you know this is much like our um it just seems worse because it's a monkey that can't like speak and defend itself but we do this to humans even though they are a um they're also a

product of their environment and didn't necessarily choose to be as aggressive as they were because there's no free will. I don't want to get into it. But, you know, we do the same thing to humans. Yeah, we do. But it's just so much sadder with animals because animals can't speak to defend themselves. If animals could talk, Jesus Christ.

He'd probably say, I want a shot of whiskey. Yeah. What do you make'd probably say, I want a shot of whiskey. Yeah. What do you make of the story, Andrew? I mean, no. I mean, it depends how you look at it. I mean, I just see a drunk monkey running around, and it makes me laugh. A drunk monkey is just hilarious. You know, you've got the unk, unk, monk, monk, drunk monkey.

Oh, my God. If you put a monkey on a... You've seen these monkeys on motorcycles that ride little motorcycles? It's the best. I don't know how you're saying motorcycle, but I know it ain't right. Well, you know, tomato tomatoes. But I love monkeys so much. They're my favorite animal.

They're up there for sure. I see these people on TikTok. They have pet monkeys. And I know you probably don't like that because you think they belong in the wild but gosh are they cute and they're fun rescue ones that can't be in the wild and so those are okay but yeah they they're so cute anyway so how do i make it a story i can't believe they didn't kill kill you know kill the monkey i'm surprised that they've you know they probably should to be honest with you i'd rather they do that and i know that sounds terrible but i think making an animal stay in a fucking cage the rest of its life with no

interaction from anyone and not trying to rehabilitate it is um yeah why wouldn't they just kill it it's really weird to me that they would actually like spend money because that then people would be horrified oh but you're keeping it alive in a small concrete cage much better next story all right wow this story really took a turn, boy. Okay, but the next one, boy, is going to be fun. Yeah. A 26-year-old monkey didn't get cocaine, so he fucked some person in the ear.

What? No. No. Come off it. We got to get to the real story. I mean, how amazing would it be, though, if they were all just different kinds of... I mean, if the word fucked was in a headline.

A 26-year-old woman claims she lost her sight after having her eyeballs tattooed purple, but yet insists she still loves her new look and has no regrets. Now, her eyesight has come back a little bit. Okay. So this woman had her eyes tattooed purple she looks like she just woke up and it has been crying yeah she looks like she's doing all the things i want to do in life oh my god yeah her eyes look bloodshot but it's purple shot oh my gosh oh boy how could you i couldn't even i can't she's tattooed freckles too

can you imagine a tattoo gun like you've never had a tattoo i'm not saying like so you don't know what it feels but the idea to tattoo your eyeballs is fucking wild she has a lot of face tattoos is that an s that we all used to draw on our notebooks on our cheek you know like that fifth grade s where you see three lines and the three lines yeah looks like that on her cheek um yeah this this uh it's not good to have your i mean some people get their inside their lip we have a girl on the show that split her tongue did like a forked tongue i said the other night i was at the cast party or like the rap party and the audio girl that has a forked tongue like a snake i was across the bar i was just like doing the

thing where i was like pointing at my eyes and pointing at hers and being like i see you and just like acknowledging her and then i was just i decided to like act do the tongue thing for her go like like you know my tongue is split like yours but instead it looked like i was doing like the pussy eating thing so i was just like, yeah. And then I was like, no, fork. Scissor, you're cutting your tongue. And then it looked like I wanted to scissor her. It was all the mixed messages.

I think she probably got it because as a woman with a forked tongue, you probably expect people to call it out every so often. But it did look like I was just making lesbian advances to her. Which, listen, I'm not opposed to she's awesome she's the sound girl she's fucking yeah ali is amazing yeah she's and like she i like always she looks like hannah burner to me do you see that yeah no yeah yeah yeah like i'm very

attracted to those kind of women i'm not saying ali if you're, if you're listening, I'm not saying I'm attracted. I mean, I am. You're just the type of woman that I'm like, if I could look like a woman, that's the kind of woman I'd look like. So I don't know if I'm attracted to it or I want to be it. I mean, you seem to like strong women, like strong-looking women. Yeah, tough-looking women. Yeah, tough-looking but still feminine in a way. I don't know if this is an appropriate term.

Butch is, I don't know. It's a appropriate term butch is i don't know it's not that it's like femme but like that's a thing well like hannah burner's like a tennis player like she's like muscular but like still very womanly yeah she is this girl the reason why the tattoo girl yeah she was she was hairy when she was younger the tattoo girl story yeah and she got bullied a lot and that's why she wants to be like covered in tattoos to make her a stronger person like okay like a lot of these people that like you get that you see with tattoos people will judge them like my stepbrother has a shit load and i remember he walked into a gas station with his shirt off and

like this guy being like oh look at this like you'll get judged real quick and then like i do it too like and it's such a common like trope to be like neck tattoo i guess you don't ever want a job again yeah and it's like then you talk to these people and you're like oh my god you're so well educated soft-spoken and caring and well-read tattoos say something like we i see someone with like a full sleek a girl with a full sleeve and like covered like ally is the sound girl covered in tattoos split tongue like looks so hard edge and it's it just is a way to present yourself i mean it's a choice of like i it's probably a protective thing to be like i'm more vulnerable so i'm putting out this like thorny exterior like stay away from me like the way like bugs and stuff have like camouflage of like i'm more vulnerable so i'm putting out this like thorny exterior like stay away from me

like the way like bugs and stuff have like camouflage of like i look like a leaf so they're like i look like a criminal person yeah yeah yeah so don't try to bite me like because i'll be spiky i mean that's gone away a lot i mean considering like you know post malone will have like 40 tattoos on his face and like you know different but it's still it still has a connotation of a hard edge and like don't fuck with that person don't ask that person where the bathroom is because they're gonna be rude about it yeah yeah it's like a guy on a harley on a motorcycle and you know in a leather fucking coat and you're like i'm not asking that guy for direction you're asking for direction. He's like, well, actually, the direction's over here. I'll drive you there.

Oh, you take the roundabout and then take your lorry to the lift. And you're, what does Robin say all the time, my British fucking makeup girl? But the problem with that. The problem with this, though, is that sometimes you are right. Like, sometimes a person can look like a mean person because they are mean. There's a reason why stereotypes exist for a reason, let's be honest. Okay, next story. Alright, next one. I hope you're still having a swell.

Okay, human screams communicate, human screams communicate at least six emotions. Screams or screens? Screams. Okay, you just emphasized the S. You didn't do the M or the N.

I go screen or screams, and you go screams. That was a Z then, huh? Uh-huh. Okay, so screams, they can represent how many emotions? The result, six. Okay, yeah, oh, yeah. The results revealed six psycho, distinct types of, I couldn't, acoustically distinct types of scream calls

pain anger fear pleasure sadness and joy yeah listeners responded more quickly and accurately and the higher neural sensitivity to non-alarm and positive scream calls than to alarming screams so you could have different kinds of screams and they responded more positively or responded more often to the positive screams more quickly and accurately to positive screens yeah so you're more likely to respond and turn around if someone sees john stamos and a bunch of girls are freaking out and going oh my god or whatever you're more likely to turn around than if a girl is being like accosted and that's one way to look at it yeah that's not good totally what i learned is like screams for help do you got get nothing and screams for like oh my god look at this thing that i just found get more because

it's like people have a better chance of like okay let's say a brinks truck explodes and money's going everywhere a scream of the explosion might not get people's attention. But then the money falling everywhere and screaming, people being like, oh my god, money. That'll get people coming. When's the last time you screamed? Like top of your lungs. I don't think we get to scream enough in the world. And I want to scream so much.

I guess you could scream into a pillow. Oh, like just screamed into a pillow. Yeah, I've done that before to get anger out. It feels so good. It does. Yeah. I mean, I scream when, I mean, you have screams when you're having sex.

When you have like, if you're having really good sex, you can scream. I know. That's the one thing I miss about sports is getting to scream. Having sex? Yeah. Cumming so hard? hard yeah when you get to

take that guy's legs and try to fit him around hey look that was a play call the coach put in the witch bone all right uh why do i care yeah uh why do you care is the question you ready for this why do i care for people at home they don't get to see how noah pulls it up on our computer and it's just like it looks like a very old like system that she uses like real audio player from like a computer in 2002 yeah you know that, why do I care? In like blue and gray. I'm surprised it doesn't have those like weird, you remember like you would play music

and there'd be like those weird images, like almost like a Led Zeppelin light show, like that you could put it on. You'd be like, whoa, I'm listening to OAR, but it's like this green line. Essentially she has Oregon Trail for our sound system. Oregon. I mean, you would think it'd be better stop giving away my secrets oregon trail you and the oregon oregon i think maybe people say oregon that are from oregon but they're they're wrong too look but you know what a lot

of people say different words they do they don't know why do you care that i say oregon how about we'll start there because it just like i just want you to say regular not regular i want you to say duh or the instead of duh no i don't mind that one the the one that really bugs me is oh my god ambulance all the time no ambulance ambulance is not great but there's one that you're like oh god you'll say it vulnerable we'll say it again vulnerable yeah vulnerable bugs me but i don't think it's a speech impediment i like because you do have like a speech impediment but that that i don't make fun yeah you know what it's like words like peace but saying um words incorrectly but daring, daring, daring.

Oh, daring's my least... I can't take daring. Instead of saying during, he says daring. Daring. Yeah, and I say daring during, which is weird. No, you don't. No, that'd be a weird thing. I'm sorry I bully Andrew about the way he says words. No, no, no, I love this kind of bullying.

Okay, good. It's great. Yeah. Yeah, okay, so why do you care? Haley Hasselhoff, first of all. David Hasselhoff's daughter who filmed him when he was drunk with the cheeseburger, I'm guessing. Becomes first ever plus size model. Okay.

Composed nude for Playboy and reveals her dad, David. That seems a little late. Her dad was very supportive of her sexy cover shoot. Maybe too supportive, if you know what I mean. Yeah. A little thermometer up the tush um okay uh i'm surprised that this is our first plus size model in playboy i feel like the plus size movement has been going on for decades now should have been addressed around uh the dove

body commercials i think they should have jumped on board maybe even longer before then they probably did you know i feel like playboy does represent women that are size like 8 10 12 i mean marilyn monroe was supposedly a size 11 even though if you go back and look she was definitely a two or four some like it hot go watch that movie she is definitely tiny tiny tiny tiny even though lore is like she was a size 22 it's's like, was she? Maybe I'm wrong. But yeah, I think it's a little late for plus size models to be in Playboy. But good for this girl. Yeah, she looks great. I mean, that looks, I'm sorry, but she looks like a drag queen.

I mean, in that photo. Well, and that's not because she's a plus size. That's just the makeup style and the hairstyle. And her body certainly is a very um voluptuous woman but drag queens look like very voluptuous women sometimes so i i mean i don't know that's not like a bad thing i look like a drag queen a lot of times i look definitely like um i because you know she's just enough makeup makes you look like people who wear a lot of makeup. Makeup! She's really cute there. Okay, so David Hasselhoff's daughter is a plus size model and he's supportive

of it. Good for him. My dad is supportive of me even though I'm like a raunchy sex comic. And it means he's a good dad. And he doesn't need to look at the pictures. My dad will be looking at these pictures of David Hasselhoff's daughter and I think that's the support my dad will be looking at these pictures um of david hasselhoff's daughter and i think

that's the supported uh my dad should show her yeah wait how'd this become about i don't know how it became about ej but shout out to ej you're so hot i i called my parents last night uh when you went up to bed and we facetimed i wish you would have been there oh i really love your parents i know they're awesome they uh but yeah it's hard to even you can't even really talk about like plus size like whether it's good or bad you can't ever say it's bad like that you know that you're not attracted to it yeah like for some reason you can yeah i guess you can't i think also the the phrase they go by is curve model curve Curve model. She calls herself a curve model. Instead of plus size.

Yeah. I think they're both not the best way to describe it. Just model, maybe. It could be nice. I will be plus size someday. I was plus sized before. I will be plus size again if I keep living. Men have every right to not be attracted to me at any size um it's just your

own preference and it's maybe because it's because you hate your mom just kidding yeah i think i think like yeah anytime a man has any disgruntlement with woman it's like it's your mom's fat ass just kidding i think uh i think like like uh i don't know it's just interesting because it's like you're you're like this is beautiful and then it's like well do you want to put that out there of being like is unhealthy beautiful and but then you could say like what i've learned about um like plus size people and people being like well it's unhealthy it's like yeah but there's plenty of people that are bigger that actually work out are in way better shape than a skinnier person and they just can't literally like lose the weight it doesn't mean like a lot of people

do are like in the fat um uh acceptance movement are like yeah i'm fat and i don't want to be fat and i realize that it's unhealthy but that doesn't mean i should walk or i should hide my body as it's um in a state that i am trying to maybe relieve it of or maybe i just have accepted that that that you know a lot of people are are sick or have a disease and they still get to dress however they want and we don't go but you're in a wheelchair. You shouldn't be wearing, you have little atrophied legs. Why are you wearing a skirt or whatever?

So you're telling us that having atrophied legs is okay? And it's like, of course it is. So why do we get mad at people who are fat and possibly unhealthy because of it? Let them just do whatever they want as they are who they are fuck yeah like that's the thing that i think that i've read about the fat acceptance movement a little bit i'm very interested in if you want to educate me at all about it and i'm speaking out of turn please

i am very i love to learn things but it's just that people don't when people go they're unhealthy you're you're glorifying an unhealthy body it's like no they're not they're just saying i am a person who wants to dress nice and i struggle with my weight don't let me not wear a two-piece because i'm fat i'm not saying everyone should be fat by me wearing a two-piece it's just because i want to wear a fucking two-piece at this point in my life where i might not be at the ideal healthy weight that doesn't mean I should hide in the shadows because of that. And I still am sexy as fuck. And if I feel sexy, I'm allowed to feel sexy. And if I don't feel sexy, that's okay too.

Like, it just let me, me wearing a two-piece doesn't tell your daughter to go be obese. And don't tell me that my confidence should be lower because of however I look. It's like go fuck yourself. Like, they want to control how you feel because that's how they would feel about themselves.

Yes. Okay, let's move on to Reddit dump. This is where I go through my saved Reddit posts that I thought were, like, just interesting. I mean, this wasn't even, like, I didn't even have this in mind for the show necessarily, but there are just things in here that I, like, tweets I liked, and I'm just going to go through some. The first one is I follow white people Twitter on Reddit and black people Twitter and white people Twitter

are like great places to just get, it's not even like, oh, these are great tweets by black people. I mean, that's what it is, but it's more like they're all just like funny places to get tweets. If you have any other subreddits you'd like to suggest to me as a Redditor,

please tell me. This one is a screenshot of a tweet from our friend Joe Zimmerman, hilarious comedian. I just saw it this morning when I was going through Reddit, when I was listening to Howard as I ate my oatmeal. He says, remember fourth grade. He talks like this.

Remember fourth grade PE. No, he doesn't have like a, it's more like. Remember fourth grade. Remember fourth grade PE when you ran a five minute mile in street clothes and then went directly to math? Yes, we do. You asked me yesterday. I know.

That's weird. Dude. We all know a kid that ran a five-minute mile in our school. Oh, my God. Matt Johnson, I am still horny for you. You're fifth grade self, and I know that's inappropriate. I'm legit horny for Matt Johnson, the way he looked in fifth grade. When I picture him, he looks like a 36 a 36 year old man to me in my head but i loved matt johnson because he was the fastest

in our fifth grade class oh so hot yeah they're you always remember their first and last name it's so funny because they're they're you're a legend legend and then you go to math class all sweaty dude how many times did you i would take a a paper towel, which isn't good to wipe sweat off of. For some reason, a paper towel. I didn't get sweaty when I was a kid. Huh? I didn't get sweaty when I was a kid.

Well, apparently. Oh, those paper towels. Back in the day, paper towels. Oh, those brown ones. They were hard, and they almost cut you. And I remember you would have four of them all over your body because you were still in jeans. Yeah, they'd be like, these paper towels are from trees.

And you're like, I know. It feels like bark. Yeah, splinters. Yeah're like, I know it tastes, it feels like bark. Yeah. The splinters. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But yeah, that was, what was your mile back in the day? I was a three minute miler. No, no, no. I was probably, I think I was like probably high, probably eight. Nice. I was probably around that too. And that's what I still am. I ran four.

I would get cramps a lot whenever we'd run the mile. and i clocked it at 858 okay uh okay here's another um tweet that i really liked this is on black people twitter i posted this on my story the other day but it's worth a discussion it says i sorry i didn't see that okay it says this is from GBE Middy for you. I don't know. I just want to give her credit. It says, quote, I haven't started either, end quote, are the most comforting words for a student. I haven't started either. Are the most comforting words for a student.

I just related to this so much. When you're a student and someone goes man i haven't started either it's like this like oh like you mentioned a test or like i gotta do this book report like that that resonates for me because i still have dreams where like i have reports do and like even in my dreams i would love to hear that oh that's the story of my life as a as a i don't know if you would call yourself a procrastinator but i i that's my my whole life was an all-nighter the night before of a test you know what i mean i never paid attention in class so i learned everything on my own the night before i i would start a paper the night before or i would just cheat

everything the night before um and then to close us out well maybe this won't close us out but this one is good this one is uh called this is in a subreddit called contagious laughter i showed you this one too but it's worth another watch it says london podcaster finds out that the wind turbines don't actually cool down the earth so this guy thought those wind turbines that look like fans were actually fans to cool down the earth. And he and his friend are talking about it. It's like him and his friend on a couch.

It's so funny. And then there's a producer, and they all kind of put it together. So let me play this. And then it goes all the way down to the shore where there's a power plant. And in that power plant, like the turbines are actually spinning by wind. It's not like being electric. So that's the producer.

It's not windy, then they're just doing it. That's why they do it in windy places, because the turbines are being spun by wind. And that wind is creating electricity. I've seen stagnant things. Yeah. No, I'm not talking about the ones to generate. I'm talking about the wind turbines for global warming. What?

I thought that's what they were for, no? Yeah, because it is for global warming because they're trying to cool down the earth. Oh, my God. Oh, shit.

Is that what he thought? You thought he was like a fan, basically. Bro, just wear it. No, okay, wait. Hold on. Just wear it, bro. Just wear it bro just wear it so funny dude

so when you think it's for global warming what was you gonna say as in you're not using like any like greenhouse gases and all that kind of stuff you're using like natural energy it makes me so happy. It's so happy. This guy is like, you know, 30 something. And he thought the turbines were fans. Yeah, he thought it was like an indoor fan that cools you off.

It's fucking hilarious. When it's summertime and the AC is not working. That's what he thought. It's so funny. Which isn't a horrible idea if you get enough of them i guess okay let me um do there's this other thing that i like uh to close this out it's on reddit subreddit cool guides cool guides it's just like kind of infographics so this is the time it takes for a hacker to crack your password now uh let's use your password for your computer that i always have to type in

it's so long for a computer password like you know like just to get for your computer that i always have to type in it's so long for a computer password like you know like just to get into your computer like if someone found your laptop andrew has no secrets in there it's like really like it should be a very small defense mine is five letters they they make you do it password people are fucking ass no no on your mac computers you can do a very simple like because you'll go you'll write something in they go oh you need an uppercase you need one number you need one abstract thing you need your mom's fucking pubic hair and it's like what why do i need that you fucking prick let me write fucking one two three four yes i wish that would be yours okay so yours okay does yours have numbers how many how many How many characters is yours?

Let us do your email password. How many characters do you have for that? No, no, we can do that. It's probably the same one, let me be honest with you. Okay, it's probably, well, nine, 13. 13. Okay, and then is it numbers only, lowercase letters, uppercase and lowercase letters, or all plus a symbol? All that except no symbol.

Okay. It has numbers, uppercase and lowercase letters. And it's 13. Yes. Okay. Guess how many years it would take for a hacker to crack your password? It would take them probably three weeks. 100,000 years.

Oh. Noah. your password it would take them probably three weeks a hundred thousand years oh noah give me one of give me your like dumbest password like don't tell me it but like how many characters is it eight um letters numbers both it's so funny we have to close our eyes to count with our inner hand. I don't know why we do that. Eight. Letters, numbers, both. It's lowercase and uppercase? Yes.

Okay. Letters, numbers, lowercase and uppercase. And you said eight? One hour, babe. One hour. So, Andrew, by adding five either upper or lowercase or symbols no no no numbers lower or uppercase uh went from an hour to a hundred thousand years isn't that interesting my computer password that is very simple wait yeah it's five five and it's all we all have to count with our hands by the way out there people

instantly mine would be instantly solved and then i don't agree with this it's it's not to be agreed with it's a it's on reddit and it has color coded and it means it's right i know but yours isn't connected to you at all mine is like essentially it's not about being connected to you it means like if a if a hacker ran a program on it. Oh, okay. To do every combination. So not if like they actually like made like. No, not if they knew you and they're like, let's do his mom's maiden name, his favorite color, his dead dog.

Moving into final thought of the show. I always wanted to write a joke about like, I hate these passwords. They make you make new ones all the time. It's like, sorry. They're like're like oh you need a punctuation you're like okay i guess i'm excited about my dead dog now like you always have to be like speedo like yeah yes um well i do it so many i have um probably you know we each probably have like, you know, 60 or 70 different things where we have passwords. And I probably have a different password for almost every one because you forget the one,

you put in a new one, you don't write it down. Yeah. You just assume you're going to remember it. Oh my God. And, but you know, your phone does keep a lot of the passwords, which is pretty cool. Yeah. And then your password for your phone is just four numbers. Yeah, which you forget, and then you just have to start all over.

And then if someone finds your phone, it cracks it instantly, and then they have all your passwords. That would take hundreds of thousands of years. Which were all our numbers on our birthdays, pretty much. No, not mine. Your birthday's coming up. But you ever been locked out of Google, out of your Gmail? Oh, yeah. Fuck the i couldn't get

back in yeah and i had to make a new one i finally like i forget i got in touch with google somehow i forget yeah why are these companies so hard to get in touch with you're you're a billion dollar company if you had a problem with like google you should it should be very easy to talk to someone at google like yeah i fucking hate when these big corporations you have to go through like customer service where you write like some like i don't know some fucking computer it's like let me just call jeff from google how much do you pay for your email account though free and how much are you paying for this podcast first of all nothing so don't how much did they get paid to advertise?

They use our shit all the time. Our information real quick. A couple of things. The man, my password, my, um, a I am name.

Yeah. Back in the day used to be Dave Matthews is hot, you know, back in like high school and stuff. Not you. I think it was my, um, I think it was like my,

maybe a password or something, but, um, it really just looked like Dave Matthews. Not you. You're not hot. I think it was my, I think it was like my, maybe a password or something. But it really just looked like Dave Matthews, I shot. Oh, shit. Yeah. That could be like an ode to like Bob Marley though,

to like shot the sheriff. Oh, yeah, that's true. Because he did cover a couple Bob Marley tunes. Yeah. Yeah, your birthday is this Sunday. We're in Cayman Islands. We're in the Cayman Islands.

My 40th birthday, I wasn't able to celebrate. Maybe we'll listen to Dave Matthews' 41. Come and see. Me. I swear by now we skipped your 40th birthday because of COVID. Yeah. That was literally like. I got a sweatshirt from your brother.

You wanted to go see MMA at MSG, and we were going to get a box seat, but then it didn't happen because of COVID. And I was so excited. Oh, wait, we did the most fun. I had to scream. That's why concerts are great. You get to scream. That's why concerts are great. You get to scream.

But yes. I will go in this way and find my own way out. That's what I say whenever I walk into a door that's like entrance only. I'm like, okay, I'll go in this way and find my own way out. I don't know how I'm going to get out of this fucking Panera. Sorry about the red mark on my forehead yeah wait have you ever ran into a glass door i went into a door the other day that said push on it and sometimes i only read push and pull should not have the first same first two letters sometimes i don't i'm lazy and i only want to read and i go okay i'm going in and i pull it and i go oh it's push i just didn't fit

i did read it i just didn't finish the book i didn't finish the word you're so right it they both start with pu what are we doing out here push needs to either change or pull needs to what are we changing it to um uh it come in come out no uh insurance exit fuck they both start with e if i want to even read less then i'm fucked bro you're blowing my mind right now dude dave matthews i shot uh guys thank you so much for listening to the podcast we are going to be here tomorrow

you know it for uh to just gather up the pieces and then next week we'll have our next week of shows in the cayman islands and then we're back in st louis back to real life and um yeah i hope you're enjoying the show today was all over the place but I liked it yeah I felt good yeah they all have a different feel to every one of our shows have a different feel so much to everyone who says you've been listening and like you listen when you run you listen when you're on the way to work like it is so touching to me. And I really appreciate it.

And I'm sorry if you don't always agree with me. And I get on my high horse. And I think I'm right. And you're like, I wish I could yell at her and tell her she's wrong. Guess what? I'm wrong so much of the time. So just know that whenever I think I'm right, I know I'm wrong most of the time too. So don't get mad at me.

And laugh at them. I promise you I'm mad at myself enough for the both of us. I promise you I don't think I'm. And the only reason why you're wrong is because you're mad at your mom. And the only reason I think I'm right is because I'm mad at my mom. So it all comes back to Julie Glazer. And you know what, mom? I didn't know you didn't listen to the whole damn podcast.

Nick, I listened to the first half. I loved it. She didn't even say that. I don't think my mom listens. She listened to probably a quarter of it. She probably is too scared that we're going to be talking shit about her. You know I don't know how to do podcasts. You got to do it for me, Nick.

I don't know how to download these things. Well, God damn it. Well, Serial, you did that one for me. Now set this one up. Thanks, Mom. Thank you all for listening. We love you besties. We'll see you tomorrow.

Bye, Noah. Kuh. Kuh. Kuh. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show,

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