The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #151 Casually Co'uhl In The Name Of Being Honest

Episode Date: December 21, 2021

Between you and Nikki a funny thing happened on the way to Calgary. There are new things on the wall in the studio and we learn about Andrew's side. Nikki is honest that she doesn't understand economics but didn't mean to be co'uhl about it. You Heard It Here First, going on dates with your mom is ok, small to average penis size is a-ok, and Nikki does care about what Billie Eilish thinks about celebrities. In the Final Thought, Nikki talks about her kettle bells and they quickly do a Top1 Bottom 1 about Fast Food Chains. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You don't need another podcast. You've got too many already. But if you're looking for one that actually changes something, a way to take control of the chaos and find meaning, well, then maybe the one you feed is for you. I'm Eric Zimmer, and I bring real conversations with real people to help you

feed the best part of yourself. No hype, no fluff, just wisdom that works. Listen to the one you feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance.

You've got to check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your chance. You gotta check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast. And now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've

asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to Minnie Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser podcast. Hi guys, I've missed you. It's Monday before the holiday weekend season, whatever it is. Christmas, I guess, if that's the holiday you celebrate. Hanukkah's long over, right? Oh, yeah. Long gone. That was like in June or something. It was like back in the day in, I think, November?

Yeah, it was like in June or something it was like back in the day and I think November like yeah it was like around Thanksgiving okay so um well I hope you had a good Hanukkah out there and um yeah I'm back home in St. Louis um with Luigi by my side I've missed you so much little bobo my kid um I can't stop watching the video that I heart podcasts posted on their account. We posted on ours already, but when I kiss the mic and think it's Luigi's head, I'm so glad you all like that as much as I do. You know, you ever see a video of yourself and you go or like see here, hear back something you said or did.

And not like when you were a kid, like not like, Oh my God, I was so cute when I was a kid, but you see something of yourself now and you go, Oh'm cute like you kind of like go I get what the appeal is because sometimes I think if you relate to the show or relate to me you probably have a little bit of a low self-esteem issue sometimes and um yeah you you your friends tell you that you're adorable or that you're funny and all these things and you go I don't know you know I still think I'm fooling everyone but that video I'm like I'm fucking cute

as fuck I I want to date that girl and um this weekend I also had that experience when I should take out my Invisalign actually I'm gonna leave them in because they feel pretty good um I was in Canada in Calgary I met so many besties at the meet and greet there. And, um, I had, I didn't have my whole tour with me. Andrew wasn't there. Uh, Anya, Emil, Matt, Jen, no one was there. I just, because it was Canada, it was right before the holidays. It felt like it's at a casino. Usually those gigs aren't just like, they're not the same as like the theater gigs, but this show was so incredible. Long story of of my day that day I don't want to bore you with my air travel horror because I never really let air travel like when when woe is me bad day of travel delays bags lost all that

stuff get to me ever since the Louis CK um about people complaining about wi-fi on a plane and he does the best version of it i think on this conan interview that he did where he was kind of like doing the bit before it ended up in his special but it ended up in one of his specials um whenever people whenever he has a delay and they're like, I was on the tarmac for four hours. You know, I think in his joke, he says 40 minutes, but usually people go four hour delay, you know, and being on the tarmac for four hours, that is a reason enough to complain. But let's say your flight's delayed two hours or whatever. And I missed my connection. Oh, and then what happened? Did you fly through the air miraculously like a bird did you like you got to appreciate air travel and he he makes the point that you know to make the flight across the

country it used to take or to get across the country it used to take months and a lot of you would die along the way and now you just take a shit and watch a movie so whenever there's delays and stuff I always remember that joke and that to me is why stand-up is so important because I don't think oftentimes I always compare stand-up to music and I'm always like god we're the lesser of the two because we don't move people we don't stay with people as long but it's moments like that where I it shifts the way I look at things and I don't think songs do that for me where I'm like, I never thought of it that way. So, you know, I'm eternally grateful for Louis C.K.

changing the way that I see air travel and any, you know, hardship that happens. That being said, it was a crazy day on Friday to get to Calgary. Got picked up at five in the morning. Was it five? Doesn't matter. It was earlier than that. 4.45. Whatever. Who cares? For my 7 a.m. flight, got there. On the way there, I realized that the COVID test I had gotten the day before, I had not gotten the results yet. And you can't get a boarding pass at the airport unless you have a negative COVID test. That being said, I had had a COVID test on Tuesday, which would put me in the

72 hours of having a COVID test, but I'm taking a flight to Seattle. All right. From St. Louis or from LA. When I get into Seattle, I have a layover for many hours and then I from Seattle to Calgary the flight that leaves for Calgary is at like 12 30 I know that my COVID test on Tuesday was at 11 a.m so it does not put me I'm out of the 72 hour window in Seattle however I'm not out of the 72 hour window in LAX so I'm wondering are they going to decide based on my connection city or like it's all down to like if the person at the gate is like looking at it close enough so I stand in line for like 45 minutes because I don't have any priority for WestJet I get to the counter show her my COVID test and she's like do you have a time stamp and I'm like there's no time stamp and she's like there has to

be and I'm like there isn't one look at the whole thing and she calls her people she's like there's no time stamp she's like we can't let you on and I'm like, there isn't one. Look at the whole thing. And she calls her people. She's like, there's no timestamp. She's like, we can't let you on. And I'm like calling the COVID people because I got one the day before. It's supposed to arrive overnight and it hadn't. So I'm talking to this lovely woman who helped me so much. And she was like, they haven't gotten the results. We didn't know you needed a rapid.

Sorry, that was disgusting sound. And we're waiting on the results you know they could come in at any second but and i'm texting with jen my assistant and she's going go try to get a covid test a rapid somewhere and then we can get you on a later flight to calgary and i am just wanting it to i just want someone to go, just don't go. You know, like, this is too much. Because there's always something you can do. And I talk about this with, you know, looking hot. There's always something more you can do to look as hot as possible and to look better. And sometimes you're just like, I don't want to do it. You know, I could go get a rapid COVID test off campus near LA Oaks, get an Uber, go over

there, get it, pay $200, come back, get on a later flight. And in the end, yes, I would spend $1,500 on a new flight. I would then, you know, eat the cost of the last flight. I would pay $200 extra for the COVID test. I'm making a lot of money on this gig. So in the end, it still would be worth it all. Right. But is it, is it like, I just was like, I just don't want to do the stuff that I could do. And I'm looking at the flights going,

Oh, I can't get it. I can't do it because I would get an eight o'clock in the flights at eight. And Jen's like, actually this one gets in at seven 30. So you, and I'm just like, stop making it work.

And then finally I go, okay, you know what? Nikki, just do it. I went back to the deal memo where they send me the original thing just like, stop making it work. And then finally I go, okay, you know what? Nikki, just do it. I went back to the deal memo where they send me the original thing of like, this is how much money you'd make. And I was like, okay, I don't remember how much this was. But if it's over this price, I have to do it. Because this is, I could, you know, get, I could do something good for the world with this money.

And by that I mean get some M sculpt on my ass. It would be good for the world with this money. And by that, I mean, get some M sculpt on my ass. It would be good for the world, believe me. And I got on a bus. So I go down. So I'm at, you know, check-in. I go down to arrivals with my bags. It is so crazy packed at the airport. It's like a nightmare, but I'm just trying to stay calm.

And I go down and to get an Uber, I call an Uber. There's no Uber nightmare, but I'm just trying to stay calm. And I go down and to get an Uber, I call an Uber. There's no, no Uber. So then I text Jen, there's no Ubers. I give up. Like how am I supposed to, and she's like, well, you have to go off campus to like get picked up by an Uber or you can send an Uber black. And I'm like, I'm not paying for an Uber black. I'm getting a regular Uber. I'll get on this little shuttle. So I'm waiting for the bus. As soon as I realized that this shuttle, I start chasing this bus because it pulls off. And I'm like, I didn't get on the bus. It just went by as soon as I realize that this shuttle I start chasing this bus because it pulls off and I'm like I didn't get on the bus it just went by as soon as I realized I had to take it so I wait another bus comes along I get on that bus it pulls off and right when it pulls off I get a call from the COVID test lady that says your results are in for the rapid

you're negative uh you're good to go now at this point my flight is in 40 minutes that means it boards in 10 minutes The original flight I've already paid for a $200 COVID test That I'm going to take on this bus journey To go get my Uber to go take it It's a mile away So I say stop this bus And it goes

And it stops and I open up the doors And I'm like I'm sorry because the bus driver was really nice And was like how's your day going And I was like not great but now it's good because you're nice. Thank you. So I was already, I was like, the llama fell. We have a new set, you guys. And part of it just fell.

That's okay. So anyway, I run upstairs. And at this point, the line to get back to the ticking counter, none of those people in line know that I had waited in line already and that they told me to step aside and wait till I got my COVID results. They think that I'm just this crazy woman budding the line. But guess what? You can do whatever you want if you look crazy enough. So I run up to the counter and I go,

I'm so sorry, my flight is boarding in 40 minutes. I said, my flight is boarding in 10 minutes. I was just told to go get a COVID test. I just got my results. And the guy is like, it's too late, girl. It's I'm so sorry. And I'm like, oh, no, I'm like, oh, God, I have to take a later flight. And he goes, you're checking bags, right? And I go, no. And he's like, oh, OK, then you're not late. So that was like, yes. So because I didn't check a bag, he gets me on my flight. I run upstairs. I go through. Thank God for TSA or thank God for clear, by the way, thank God for clear. I go through,

I get in, I get on my plane. As I'm checking into the plane, they go, there's no more room on the plane. You're going to have to gate check that bag. Okay, that's fine. I'm used to checking bags. What's the big deal? I land in Calgary at six o'clock. My show's at eight. The venue's 40 minutes away. It'll leave me time to go there, shower, do a quick turnaround. It's fine. So I check my bag, go to Seattle, two and a half hour layover, which then turns into a five hour layover. I don't care. I get to fly through the air miraculously like a bird. I get on the plane. I land in Calgary at six o'clock. Oh, originally I was going to land at like five,

I think. No, I was going to land at three. So then this gets me in at 530. I go through customs. Everything's smooth as silk. I go out to the baggage claim. I wait 30 minutes. I eat my little curry salad that I bought in Seattle and put in my coat. I'm having a good time just waiting for my bags. I got time. Then it turns into an hour. Everyone's flight that is landing at the same time as ours, they're all getting their bags. All my flight, we're just waiting and waiting. Then it's an hour and 40 minutes. And we go over to the baggage claim people. And they say, we don't know where your bags are. They took them off the plane. And we don't, they got lost between the plane and the baggage claim. And we're all just like, this is hilarious. And I'm like,

I got to go to a show. I'm not happy about wearing this stuff on stage, but whatever. I have a show in a half hour and it's 40 minutes away. I have an opener, so that'll be fine. So I go, I'm really calm this whole time. And I'm texting with the guy who's there to pick me up, this really so nice British man who I just bonded with so much on the drive there and back. But he is texting me being like, I can't abandon my bag, by the way, and have them send it later because it's in custom. So you can't just go send someone to pick it up and they said so I wait another half hour now it's eight o'clock my show has started I'm 40 minutes away and I say I have to go and they said okay well we will send bags now because we're so sorry they lost it we found the bags they're at domestic baggage claim this is international they took them to the wrong baggage claim and I was like great let me go pick them up and they were like they're on their way over here but it's gonna take like an hour and I was like I don't have an hour to spare can you keep my bag here and I'll come get it in

the morning and they were like yes but you're not gonna be able to get here in the morning because this is the international baggage claim you have to you can't get into this isn't like you just walk in it's international you have to go through security and I was like ma'am I'm begging you in the is there any way that you could have my bag selected and then you bring it to domestic so that I can in the morning before I go on my international flight, stop by the domestic office and get it? And she was like, I'll see what I can do. And I was like, ma'am, I'm begging you. I just need to get it in the morning. I'm not going to have it tonight. It's fine. And I was like, it's baby blue. It's an away luggage. It has stickers all over it. One of them says vegan. And she was like, I'll see

what I can do. And I was like, thank you. I left. I went to do the show. The show was so fun. And that is what brings me back to my original point of you realize you're funny when you don't know it. I was there with my friend John Cullen, Cullen the comic on Instagram and Twitter. He's so funny. He's just a guy I met in Canada ages back and he was so sweet and we became friends just working at Yuck Yucks, different clubs. And he did a half hour, filled the time, killed. I'm backstage, I get there. They've scrounged together some makeup for me from like people who know people that are at the show and so I have this little smattering of makeup thank you so much to the girls who let your makeup to me and they also make a run to shoppers which is Canada's Walgreens and they get me some stuff and some face wash and deodorant and

socks and stuff like that so nice of this casino the Grey Eagle Casino in Calgary and so I do my makeup i my hair is three days old i didn't get a chance to shower i'm wearing lululemon leggings i'm wearing gym shoes i'm wearing um a black shirt that i luckily found in my backpack that was clean and i go out there and i and uh john is bringing me up and right before john brings me up we're backstage talking and i said actually will you tell he, what do you want me to say? And I'm like, will you tell the story? You have, I remember you have a story of us meeting on Twitter. I couldn't remember the details of it, but he goes on stage and he brings me up and I posted on my Instagram story, but I

don't know if you could hear it. And sometimes people just go past my story. Cause you think it's just me posting a comment comics like like muffled bits that you can't hear but he told the story of back when he was a single man and this was like 2000 probably 13 you know 12 13 he wrote on twitter i wrote oh you know as my friend got married so it was 2012 and i was a bridesmaid my friend's wedding and. And I said I didn't have a date. And I wrote a joke about it on Twitter. And he was like, I'll be your date or something like that. And then I saw that his, so he had on his Twitter, he had a cartoon picture of himself. Remember when I wrote cartoons?

Yeah. And then in between me seeing his tweet and me writing back to it, I had seen that he had changed it to an actual picture of himself. So I wrote, did you just change your avatar to a picture so that he had changed it to an actual picture of himself so I wrote did you just change your avatar to a picture so that I would consider it and he was like busted and then so it went for that I love that I called that out and he was like oh god she knew then he said that he tweeted at me later on something flirty of like I just had a dream and a lot of people do this on Twitter by the way and I don't mind it it makes me feel good when you like shoot your shot by saying you had a dream about me. It's one of the best ways to tell a girl that you are into her.

But he said, I had a dream that I was dating Nikki Glaser. And I responded, go back to sleep. And I didn't even remember what I responded. but I remember what he's on stage telling this and I'm like please be funny and he's like and she responded I'm like please be funny and he was like go back to sleep and it made me laugh out loud and it's so hard to be objective about yourself um when you like don't remember what like usually I know every joke I've made you know um which is interesting because Alanis Morissette I was watching her documentary last night it's on HBO max and it's called Jagged it's really good and um you have no idea like you got to watch it if you're an Alanis Morissette fan but she says that she has this amazing ability as an artist when she writes a song it comes out of her she gets the whole thing

done and then she she forgets it completely it completely goes out of her. She gets the whole thing done. And then she forgets it completely. It completely goes out of her head. She doesn't remember what it sounded like. She couldn't conjure it. She has to then go and memorize it pretty much. But when she first writes a song in the studio and they lay it down to track and they're done, she doesn't remember it.

So then on the way home, she's able to listen to it completely objectively and hear whether, like, as a fan of music that doesn't remember the song is able to hear if it's good or not from an objective standpoint which is man that is would be such a cool skill to have which I did experience a little bit when I was editing my special last week I finally finished it that is the reason that um we didn't do a podcast on Wednesday or on Thursday actually you guys is because I had to edit my special I finished editing it editing is a great word

editing it is a hard thing to say but I finished editing it and it's so good and I was a I let made myself laugh a couple times because I did things that I never normally say and it was so I'm I'm that was nice to have some space from it and go back and look at it because I do think it's really funny and I'm glad for you I'm excited for you guys to see it so um anyway I went to the bag so I did my show I went to the baggage claim the next morning to domestic thinking it was not going to be there because that woman at WestJet's baggage claim was so disgruntled and like not in the mood and I go to the WestJet international or domestic I walk in there's bags everywhere because they had a lot of delays ever just stacked up bags it looks like a looks like an art exhibit of like you know it looks like honestly

you know like holocaust sometimes they have all the luggage and they're like this is that's what it looked like like the bees people didn't survive it was kind of you know eerie looking morbid look through all of it none of my bags were there and I just go to the woman I go I know my bag's an international I wasn't able to get it last night and she's like no one's there no one get no one's there yet we're sending those bags over later but they're not gonna be there till later and I go what do I do and she's like I don't know and she's being so mean and I look and I can see in the office there's like the door is cracked ajar slightly and I see that there's some luggage back there and I know listen it's probably not mine and I don't want to make this woman she's I'm trying to be kind to this like angry Canadian woman because it takes a lot for a Canadian to get disgruntled and this woman is there and it's it's five in the morning and I say or no it's six in the morning and I said

ma'am is there any way you could just go check in the office for a baby blue away luggage bag it's like a carry-on I'm like I you know just in case because the woman yesterday told me she'd take it and she was just like it's not gonna be there and I'm like I I know please can you just check she goes back there and I'm so shocked she even brought it back out because she had to eat so much crow you know so she wheels it back out and I was like yay and I didn't want to say I told you so and so I did it but I told her so and it was there and so shout out to everyone at WestJet I'm sorry that I was so mad at you on stage that night and said that, you know,

Canadians have their own spirit airlines. It's called WestJet. And, you know, don't, I didn't say this, but don't ask, you know, the ground crew at, don't date the ground crew at WestJet because they can't find luggage on the tarmac, let alone your clit. Something, you know, I made some like,

I wanted to make some hacky joke like that. But let's get Andrew in here. I love WestJet. Andrew! 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel.

Ooh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early,

well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more.

Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen.

I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's sports. Hey, you guys, I'm Catherine Legg. I'm a racing driver who's literally driven everything with four wheels across the planet. And I've got a new podcast. It's called Throttle

Therapy. This season, I'm gearing up to make history competing in some of the world's most notorious racing events, starting at the Indy 500. Join me as I travel from racetrack to racetrack in my quest to continue a memorable career in racing. I'm also going to bring you inside stories with legends of sports, new faces from the next generation of auto racing, and conversations with the people who've supported me throughout my career. We'll be getting into everything from karting to NASCAR, even Formula One. Whether you dream about being a pro athlete or an astronaut,

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They're always talking. The one you listen to shapes your life. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. On my podcast, we explore how to hear the voice that matters, the one that leads you to courage, wisdom, and love. It's not about perfection. It's about direction. Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now it's your turn. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

What up, Andrew? What's up? We have a new studio, everyone. Oh, you didn't mention it? I didn't talk about it. No. If you want to go watch this, it'll be on YouTube in a couple days if you're listening.

But if you're watching it, welcome to our new little hobby den. We have our things on the wall that we love. I feel like I'm in your rooms. Yeah, we literally put this together so fast this morning we're gonna add to it if you want to send us shit that is like associated with the show that is pretty and would look cool in this kind of format we will hang it up on the wall we want to switch things out um we want to represent you know i love to like let's just go through it andrew walk us through your little nook over there all right my nook here starts with uh willie nelson who uh i'm a big fan of especially redheaded stranger album and it's a kind of um

like they they made the i guess the the style of that art looks craggy and like almost like they did willie nelson's skin for the style of the art if youggy and almost like they did Willie Nelson's skin for the style of the art, if you look. Look at his face. It has like, do you know what I'm saying? It could just be dirty from being in the bag that I've been taking out. Okay, Willie Nelson. I gave it a real Willie Nelson. You love Willie Nelson.

Ignore it for years. And Willie Nelson's granddaughter listens to. I know, Raelynn. Raelynn. Yeah. Which is the most Willie Nelson granddaughter name you could ever find. That's Ray Lynn over there. Ray Lynn?

The one over girl eating rope. What? I don't know. I don't know. Eating rope? Country. So that's Willie. Okay.

Got a great smile. I feel like his teeth are fake. He is so cute. Yeah. Those are probably dentures. I love him because he didn't make it in Nashville, right? He had his perfectly shaved face. He was trying to be.

Oh, he was trying to be what they wanted him. And then he moved to Austin, grew out his beard, fucking said, fuck everybody, and then blew up from that. I don't know. It's kind of cool. Have you read his biography? I did. Or just Wikipedia? I read his biography.

Oh, nice. Yeah. The whole thing, actually. Cool. Yeah. And then I got a guy on a jet ski who isn't related to me, although I feel a strong connection. That looks like you. I thought it was you.

No, I wish. I had a three-seater. That's a two-seater. Okay, so did someone send you that? No, I bought that the other day. Really? And I was building my own studio for my podcast. All this stuff was up on mine for like three days.

And then this is a Florida license plate. Because this jet ski, you were arrested for speeding on a jet ski in a manatee zone. Yeah, jet skis are deep in my heart. Yes. Especially without a governor so it could go as fast as possible. A governor?

A governor actually keeps a jet ski from going to its full potential. So it's like some jet skis can go like 85 and they put a governor on it so it only could go like 60. Oh, is that like a catalytic converter? Yeah, it's a catalytic converter. Do you know that I met the governor of New York?

Como? No. Como? They replaced him. Oh, with who? No Como. Like they replaced him, no Como, with Hocal is her name.

Hocal? Kathy Hocal, I believe. But I met her at that Bruce Springsteen show I did on the red carpet they just brought her up to me and were like here's Kathy Hochul and I was like oh the or here's the governor I was like oh my god and I was like so excited and um I was gonna do a bit about it on stage Chris was with me there and I was kind of running through what I should say and I was gonna be like I met the new governor she did not know who i was but the feelings mutual because i

had no fucking clue you're both women in a men-dominated field yeah men dominated men dominated her okay then you have a tennis rack oh you have a florida license florida license plate born and raised in florida it's deep in my heart again which has a jet ski theme that online it's not a real license plate it's just for fun, because you could get a felony for doing that. Can you? I remember one of my first stand-up jokes. Not even a stand-up joke. It was in senior year.

I was in a sauna with Mick Fumo at a party. No Fumo. No Fumo. Mick Fumo was like one of the popular boys, but like was really nice to me and took a liking to me. Just thought I was kind of funny. And I think it was like at a play party, that this was senior year when popular kids started doing the plays because they realized like it was a good way to get attention and so Mick Fumo who was usually

like played football was in this play we were in this sauna like hanging out at up but we weren't like naked it was just like I don't know we were in some I don't I don't remember but we were talking about if you steal two license, if you steal a license plate, it's a felony. If you get two felonies, you could go to like prison for life. Like,

I think that's, yeah. And we got, we were just laughing about like, who's the guy that just wants a license plate so bad that he's willing like to risk his life. And I remember him laughing really hard. Cause I was like, you got,

you got to just have like a real love for license plates you want to just decorate your you know man cave that wasn't a word back then in 2002 but i just remember that was the first time i was like oh that kind of sounds like a comedian bit for sure and i think the i mean imagine being 15 is when you would steal a license plate you would steal an ornament on the front of the car. Or like street signs. Everyone stole. My buddy, he's like the most normal guy ever. He's like, oh, check this out. And he had like 45 Mercedes-Benz and Jaguars.

That is so rude. Remind me of that John Mulaney thing. Oh, the party where that guy, yeah. He steals family pictures. It's the only thing you can't replace. Think about being like a 15-year-old. You stole a license plate. You're like, one the only thing you can't replace. But think about being like a 15-year-old. You stole a Leighton's play. You're like, one more.

Like most people that could go to – Because you don't know the law. No, that's the stupidest law ever. It's so funny. Okay, tennis racket. I haven't played in a long time. Played a lot in Florida. You're not going to play anytime soon.

That thing's on the wall. Looks like a little Applebee's over there. Yeah, the court's going to have to come to me. Next, I got my golf clubs. Just to run through it, Spider X Putter. T22 Mizuno Wedges. bees over there yeah the court's gonna have to come to me um next i got my golf clubs uh just to run through it spider x putter uh t22 mizuno wedges just got them love them mizuno oh those are running shoes i i love mizuno by the way very cool thing about this company they don't pay pros they're like fuck you we're not gonna you're lucky that you even get to use our stuff. Honestly, that's the approach they're taking.

They're like the Ferrari of like, they don't need commercials. They're like, you're going to come to us. Have you seen that TikTok? Or have you seen, did you watch Schitt's Creek? I watched the first season. I watched like the first episode. Okay. Yeah.

I've only seen like the first five or six episodes but there is this thing that was on reels the other day that i couldn't stop watching that everyone who watches schitt's creek knows it it's the the daughter character and she's clearly it looks like she's auditioning for something she's like i'm a lamborghini i'm a dun dun dun yeah it is so compelling and funny um i gotta find it anyone who knows schitt's Creek knows what I'm talking about. The understanding is like, I'm so confident coming in. Like, you deserve me. I'm a Lamborghini.

I'm a real cool. Like, she's like, I'm just going to look for it right now. Talk us through the recipe. It's pretty amazing, though. Like, Ferrari, Lamborghini. Like, even if you didn't know what the fuck it is. It just sounds. Like, they really hit a home run

Alexis that's that's the song like a little bit her name's Alexis and I guess she's auditioning for something and I'm just gonna get to the song because I saw it on TikTok and I couldn't stop and even if you know this it's if you don't know it you definitely need to hear it but even if you don't do know it

you'll want to hear it again because it's so good okay so she walks in. Are you ready? Let's do it. I'm a Lamborghini. I'm a Hollywood star. I'm a little bit tipsy when I drive my car. I'm expensive sushi.

I'm a cute, cute yacht. I'm a little bit single even when I drive my car. I'm expensive sushi. I'm a cute, cute yacht. I'm a little bit single even when I'm not. And she's dancing. I'm a little bit. I'm a little bit. I'm a little bit. La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

A little bit Alexis. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. A little bit Alexis. And I saw her on Kelly. Okay. Yeah, Alexis. And I saw her on Kelly Clarkson. She did it. And Kelly does this whole thing about, I'm a little bit Texas. And she does all, it's so good.

Mizuno could work perfect in that song. Because that's who they are. I'm a little Mizuno. I'm a T-22. You'll love me so much. And if you want to use me, you're going to have to buy it. We're not going to give you free clubs for life. Or pay you any royalty.

Go and fuck your wife. You'll want me as my wife. I'll fuck your wife. What is the Andrew Collins sign? Oh, real quick though. 790 Irons and TSI to driver. Is this just for four people? Yeah.

Four people. They could just DM four people. Yeah. That was real quick. I know. I know. That was real quick. By the way,

I'm looking to at the T the Mizuno pro 225. Okay. But Mizuno's doesn't care. They're not going to give it to you for free. They might get, what if they only give it to a non pros? Well, the funny thing is I have a connection at Taylor made and I'm promoting

Mizuno's, but he's kind of fucked me into DMS recently said that I'm a diva. Well, the funny thing is I have a connection that Taylor made and I'm promoting Mizuno's but he's kind of fucked me in the DMs recently said that I'm a diva. Well, guess what? I'm going all Mizuno, bitch. Oh, don't do that. Unless you want to give me clubs.

I just got a deal on something too. I went fucking buck wild. Did you get Mizuno? Well, here's the thing. Mizuno vibrator? Can I just tell you what happened?

This will be interesting to someone as much as that was to those four people. Five now. I was on Daily Mail, which is my favorite gossip rag. I do the app. About John Daly? Yeah.

Hey, yo. Hong Kong. And I saw this obvious photo shoot with Helena Christensen. You know who Helena Christensen is? A supermodel. She's an older, in her 50s probably at this point, maybe 60s. And I saw this obvious like photo shoot with Helena Christensen. You know who Helena Christensen is? Supermodel. She's an older, in her 50s probably at this point, maybe 60s.

And she was wearing these amazing black cargo shorts or cargo pants that were like shiny and had like a perfect zip on the ankle. And I'm just like, I became obsessed with finding them. And they weren't labeled like who made them. And I was just so frustrated. I was on Poshmark. I was on eBay. I was i was like anywhere i could look i was trying to find them i could not find who makes these i couldn't find anything like them so then i was like oh wait i have two stylists maybe they can figure this out or you take a photo you put on your insta story i didn't want to do that because i didn't want other people to buy them no it wasn't that it was about like i just i didn't want to buy i

didn't want my dms filled with like well there's a similar pair yeah like i just wanted to know where they were and i was i would have gotten there eventually but i wrote danny and emma of danny and emma style d-a-n-i and they wrote back oh those are um and i can say now because i uh i just got i just bought them and so they're i don't i'm not worried about them selling out they are by saint art new york saint arts s-a-a-i-n-t art new york and um they go i was like thank you oh my god good job and they go let me ask if they will gift you before you buy all right let me wait so i waited they said haven't heard back from them but we'll let you know that was the end of the day friday then today we would love to extend a discount to nikki

please find below and let us know if there are any issues so they copied and pasted that and sent it to me 25 off at saint new york thank you so much to them um this is not an ad or anything but those so i went buck wild because i haven't gotten a lot of my christmas gifts yet and i bought i spent so much money but when you spend so much money and then 25 off you're saving a lot i mean 25 off is not that much but it's decent enough and with christmas shopping i'm just so overwhelmed by it that I just want to like I went on Sephora the other day to restock my things and I was like oh I'll just get my mom and sister like the essentials that I use that's probably what I would want as a gift as like my favorite shampoo my

favorite conditioner like high-end stuff you could use over and over again well they're not going to buy themselves $28 conditioner but for one month they, they'll have really nice healthy hair. Well, for a month, they get to do it over and over. No, but I would probably even replenish this for them. But like I – Brenna was going nuts about this thing that starts with a D. It does your hair. It's like $500. It does your hair?

Like it straightens your hair, like curls. It's the Dyson or something. Oh, it's a Dyson thing. Okay, interesting. Apparently, it's like – Brenna needs to have her own blog of things because she has great style. She has great taste.

I bought so many things that she's told me to buy and it's been awesome. So you go and you buy all this stuff and then at the end... I spent $2,000 in the end, $1,500, but I bought four coats that are all $500. And if my mom and sister are listening, please stop listening now,

even though you know you're getting a coat. And then I bought these pants and i bought a cute little dress and like i don't know i treat yourself you know sometimes my my like i'm in a mood and i that this is this it's a compulsion these things i don't need but i also know that i'm having carl alforster move in here after you move out. She's moving in on the 28th. They have returns till January 15th for the store. I will never return something on my own ever, ever. But I now have a live in assistant who's coming and she will return the stuff for me. So I will get the money back if if all fails. But usually I never return anything. I had one of those nights the other night.

I was sick. And you know when you're sick and you just need something to make you feel better and maybe hitting purchase. And I bought these clubs and they didn't come correctly. So I was able to get a refund because UPS fucked up.

They were like, you don't spend this much money. UPS was like, there was a sign that was saying hey don't fucking spend this much and i was fucking so ecstatic at first i was like they're not coming and then i was like they shouldn't come you ever have that like oh so you got you didn't get the clubs and you got refunded yeah right it was a sign from yeah or like you go to post something and it just your internet's like no like this is what the besties have learned from me and what i

continually learn back from them is like everything is meant to be and like i hands off i don't i know that saying i spent the other night i said something and i felt really when i said it because someone even could me about it um i was backstage with jim jeffries and a couple other comics and he was talking about we were talking about buying a home and he's like oh what do you uh you bought a place in st louis or whatever however he talks and i said no i don't and i go i'm tired of this buying thing everyone wants me to buy and i go i don't get it in the end and i had so many besties verify this for me in the end if i buy a place and i own it and then i sell it the most money i'm gonna make let's say i buy a two million dollar place

which is i hate to say in my budget like i'm not bragging that's not good it's not that's not good yet but this is what happened i didn't even say the chimney this is what i said and there were two comics there that i didn't know i don't know how much money they make but i know't even say the chimney this is what i said and there were two comics there that i didn't know i don't know how much money they make but i know jim makes the amount of money i make yeah probably a lot more and i think it's i i don't want to i'm never bragging about money i'm just talking in truth is i mean i'm sure there are times when i do brag unintentionally because it's a point of pride to make money in this society. But not talking about money I think is so weird and not talking about the honest to God of like I made this much money.

That is criminal that I made that much money. But it's kind of cool. Like let's celebrate it. Or like I'm not cagey about how much money I make. But so I'm back there. I don't know how much money this one girl makes. This other guy is there. I think I don't even know if he's a comic but i said to jim i go i don't understand

buying houses but everyone's so like you gotta buy i go okay so best case scenario i flip a house or i sell a house after i live in it the property goes up and what do i make on that? $200,000, $300,000 profit from buying that? And I go, I'll just do a few more gigs. And he goes, whoa, okay. Well, not everyone is you. And I'm like, but for me to make $200,000, $300,000 on a home, the home is going to be expensive as fuck, right? Therefore, I would be, that is in the,

like if I was talking about. You're not giving him money to take a gig. No, no, no. What I'm saying is he was like, well, not everyone makes that. He goes, not everyone makes the amount of money we make on a gig, Nikki. And I'm like, but if I'm talking about a home where you're going to resell it in a couple of years and make $300,000 on it, that's an expensive home. Yeah. That's a $2 million home.

Yeah. You're not buying a $2 million home unless you're making that kind of money anyway so for me to act like oh i'll just um take 80 gigs and to make it more like but someone who needs to take 80 gigs to make that much money shouldn't buy a home that much so i'm art i he almost kind of kid me and i was like it's not kid i'm not trying to be like i'm just that that that could be extended to anyone so let's say we're talking about a hundred thousand dollar home no i get it and they're gonna make a thirty thousand dollar thirty thousand dollars that means more obviously to someone in the income bracket of owning a hundred thousand dollar home but at the same point i would say for to buy a home and to

put down that money up front that you're not gonna be able to touch and, and put down all that money, like $30,000 on the back end of that. Just don't buy a home. And, and cause you're at least putting down 30 to buy that home. So getting 30 later, what is the difference? I don't get it.

I feel like, I think the idea is that you, your mortgage would be considerably less than what your rent would be. Can I try to explain to you guys? I don't think it would be that much less. It's about building equity and making more of your money.

The best way that I understood it is if you bury a dollar and you bury a brick of gold or a house or whatever, in 35 years the dollar is going to be worth still a dollar less because of inflation and the and the goal is going to be worth like five grand unless the house is something that is very like as a teardown or the property is on a swamp or you buy it at the top of the market indian burial ground like i did but no but like here's the thing though you could buy a two million dollar house Property is on a swampland or an Indian burial ground. Like I did.

But here's the thing, though. You could buy a $2 million house, and if you buy it correctly, you'll make way more than $200,000. Oh, really? Yeah, you could double. Nikki Glaser does not make wise decisions in investments, so there's no way I'm making. You think I'm going to double my money? I'm just saying my brother bought New York real estate and he, his. But we're talking about hundreds of millions of dollars there.

No, not hundreds of millions. We're talking about tens of millions. No, below that. But my point is, it's still, he's still like, let's take out my brother and let's take out them. Listen, I'm wrong. Real estate, I'm 100% wrong. Because real estate is. 100 wrong because real estate feels like the several conversations no i am 100 wrong the thing is i don't know that for me i would

rather do um 10 gigs yes i get to make that a chunk of money than i would um like separating myself from that much money up front which scares me, having to manage my own property, having to, like, just, the pressure of ownership, there's a lot that is psychological for me that I'm paying the price for. And you feel like you're stuck. You can feel stuck.

You feel like this is... I know, I'm realizing that it's the same as, like, dating. Yeah. I was gonna say it's commitment. Especially if you buy the guy. What was that? I was gonna say it's being in a relationship if you buy the guy what was that no i was gonna say commitment yeah improving working on it stuff like that it's like an ongoing process but it could be positive doesn't but then the other thing too is like if you buy a hundred thousand dollar house and let's say you make you know thirty thousand that thirty thousand like the lowered amount of money you make, the bigger, that chunk means more to them.

And they don't have the ability to make that money fast. I acknowledge that too. I acknowledge that too. But I wasn't, I thought that, I guess when I used to be, make a lot less money, and I heard that people would say, talk about numbers, that were not even something I could dream of i think that i probably felt like yeah but i i don't want to i don't want to act i don't like when rich people and i'm not

like and compared to the thing i'm not i'm well off and i'm so happy i don't need any more money in my life but i want more um because that's capitalism but i and i want to survive the apocalypse like though can i ask a question were you trying did you feel like there was party to try to impress jim jeffries no i was actually trying to be like yeah what's the point of buying a house if you could just do three more but it wasn't because it was like um with jim jeffries no oh my god because i would be cool. That'd be Kev. No. And I will acknowledge when I try to impress people. It's like there is a part of me

that is Kev and will always be Kev. Same. I'm not perfect. In that moment, I would, you know, I would put Poppy's life at stake

to promise you I was not trying to impress Jim Jeffries. I was really trying to get at what my understanding of property investment is and why it doesn't seem that cool to me. But here's the thing.

I've seen so many TikToks where it's like someone like Logan Paul or whatever, I sold this NFT for $10 million. If I put in even a little bit more, I would have made $100 million. They're throwing out numbers. I invest in, I would have made $100 million. They're throwing out numbers. I invest in this cryptocurrency, and I made $85 million. It reminds me of doctors being like, if the blade would have gone one millimeter to the right, you would have bled out and died.

All of these if, and it's like, but it didn't happen. Well, that and yes, and the doctor as well as this person, they're bragging without bragging. So it's like the doctor's like. Yeah, you didn't even make it. But he's also bragging that he made $10 million. Yeah. My point is, and people react to that.

People fucking like when people are like braggadocious and are like, I made $100 million off for investment. Everyone's like, man, I want to be that. It's like the Dan Blazarian effect. Yes. It's like there's a thing to just leaning into the care and i want to that there's a market for that i want to say that i didn't just say that i spent two thousand dollars today to be because that is a fucking ton of money yeah and i do not it is not it that to me does not seem

pedestrian or like i just spent two grand that is to me like i just bought or like, huh, I just spent two grand. That is to me like, I just bought like an iPad, like a really nice iPad worth of, or like a computer worth of dumb clothes. And I want to say to anyone who's listening who relates to that in no way, has no, doesn't even have $2,000 that they could get their hands on today, that I'm not, I'm saying that

because I just don't want to be dishonest and i don't want to talk about things and and there is something about like you don't have to be honest all the time it's just that can kind of uh you know the jake gyllenhaal uh or the um taylor swift line of like you called me up again just to break me like a promise so casually cruel in the name of being honest like you can be care in the name of being honest you can so casually care in the name of being honest that's a new thing casually care when people are like sorry i'm just being honest it costs a million dollars and i have it i'm i'm just being casually care everyone can relate actually care in the name of being honest can someone please make one of these like stitches with said casually care co uhl everyone can relate to this happens all this happened to

me with online shopping they go there's 20 off or this is what the original price was and then you go to checkout and it's like 850 and then there's a line through it and then it's 600 and you're like oh my god they're so nice. They saved the day. They took off $250. I mean, it's all psychological. It's all psychological bullshit because they built it for fucking $40. I remember from Oprah that I'll never forget that I watched. When you save 25% on something. So let's say I just saved $500 today.

If I go and I spend that $500 elsewhere, I did not save it. And also, when you spend $1,500, because you would have spent $2,000, you didn't save $500. You spent $1,500. So when you buy something because it's on discount, not buying it is way more of a discount than buying it. And that's where we get, we think that it's-

Can someone write a math book on all our equations? We gotta get to the news. I know we gotta get to the news. I want an old school like 8th grade math book. I have 20 minutes before I have to go to therapy. Oh my god. I've got some new gloss that makes your lips tingle.

And plumps them up. It's called Lip Injection. And it's by Two-Faced. And the color is Pretty Pony. Alright. Don't do it. Okay. A 44-year-old woman who is dubbed the

hottest mom in the world now going on double dates with her 21-year-old daughter. Oh, God. I got... Elizabeth Hurley is the hottest mom in the world by the way i was like fuck this story and then i see the photo who's the mom who's the mom let's play a little game who's the mom who's the mama it's pretty wild't know who the mom is i'm gonna go by body and by the way my body looks like as i say what color you think um which color which color bra i i guess correctly

because which color skin no no which color bra um i think the mom is the white. Yes. Yes. But still. And I only know that from, that was a random guess. Honestly, everything about this, I don't, you guys have got to see this photo. That's insane. And honestly, I think the one in the white is hotter. By the way, can you filter one side? Her name is, she's 46. 44 or 46. 44.

It's insane. Good fuck. I mean, these girls are both filtered as fuck too too, in this photo, I have to say. So that is another thing. These filters are out of control. But here's the thing. Can you filter one side of a photo and not the other side? Spade was talking about, yeah.

You can half-filter? Of course. If you can filter, you can half-filter. Now, Spade, I went to dinner with Spade the other night, and we were talking about these filters, and he's like, I don't trust anything anymore. Like you just can't. And we were talking about how a girl comes, like you meet a girl online and then she comes up to the table and you go, you're like, oh, hi. And she's like, hi.

And you're like, are you, is her mom coming in to check in on her? Like we say, like girls look so much different. Yes. Than their filter pictures. Like that you would think it was a mom. Like. Not that mom. Not this mom. But also have you seen the G, the G forces one where the girl is in the plane? No.

Have you seen that? No. Oh my God. It's all over Reddit. This girl is in a, like a fighter jet or something where you have G forces like on your face and it starts out and she looks 67 i mean i'm like in a hard 67 and then she it turns around like she's almost upside down and it just shows age is just gravity dude age is just gravity there's nothing else about it oh and her skin goes

and then all of a sudden she goes up and she looks like Camille Kostick, like the hottest, like victorious. She literally in her real life looks like Camille Kostick and she looks like 67. It's the coolest thing. Yeah, this is good for them. Women are just going to start driving. This is exciting for me because I, you know, I'm aging and I get a little worried about things. Sometimes I see my skin slipping off my head, but I'm also like, I just know that the surgeries out there, which that woman is definitely employed and like the skincare and the different

things like it's going to be okay. And my mom this weekend, she was in L.A. shooting stuff. My mom was in L.A. shooting things with that. Camera stuff. Yeah, camera stuff. And my mom is so beautiful. And, like, I was just like, oh, I'm going to be quite all right. It was just so nice to see.

Could you imagine going on a date with your mother? Like, let's say she wasn't dating your dad. Yeah, I would love it. dating your dad like yeah i would love it it'd be fun i would love it i really would it'd be wild i guess like would it take the intimacy out of it though i mean first dates are always the thing is i love when my biggest thing i realized when i shifted back into kind of considering dating my ex we were just like friends this summer and I realized when I wanted to like take things back to like that I was interested again romantically was when he expressed how much he loved my parents and like how much he thought my mom was just

hilarious he said that I'll know I've lived a good life if I get to the end of it and I've spent as much time as I could around Julie Glazer. And he really meant that and how he was so enthusiastic about my dad's band and like, and how good my dad was. Like it wasn't him trying, I mean, he was not, he was just being genuine.

I know when a guy's trying to brown nose and it was just genuine and it made me so attracted to him that he was into my family and other guys along the way like when men are super into my family and make an effort to like be chill with them it's so sexy to me and so um no i'd love to go on a date with my mom um next story i'm just picturing how that would look don't you like it when like people like brenna shows interest in your family oh for

sure i mean when she looks at like my nephew teddy or like yeah it's a lot of the nef i mean that's all the photos are now let that be known to any men listening i think or women yeah people really appreciate it when you show like genuine interest and curiosity about their family if they're people that like their family too and even if they don't like i feel like a lot of times i would bitch about my family to my boyfriend when we were together and he got the idea that i didn't like them and so he would often be like come hang out with my family like you don't even like your family and i'm like no yeah no that's just it's like when you make fun of yourself and it's like no no, I still like myself. Yes. Yes. Well, not, I don't, but. Well, yeah, I was just talking in generalities.

It is interesting too when someone goes, ah, okay, sweet, your nephew. Like there's a beauty in like the honesty of that too, though, where they're just like a little dismissive. Yeah, they're fine. Yeah. Like, you know, who's really cute? This one. But the other one, I'm okay with it.

Like that's the way I kind of feel about Poppy and Arlo. Like arlo and i don't have the crazy connection that poppy and i have but that's for later like arlo and i there will be a time where poppy is the lesser the one i don't like as much and arlo is the one i'm like i'm obsessed with yeah you're going on double dates with them exactly um let's get to the next story all right a tiktok doctor says the average length of an erect penis is probably shorter than the proposed 5.15 inches. Because most men with small wieners probably wouldn't consent to being involved in those studies. That is a great point. I love a doctor saying wieners, by the way. I say that on stage, by the way, that women need to stop making fun of men's small penises.

Or just, it's not even making fun of men's small penises or just it's not even making fun of men's small penises talking so much about how much they love big dicks because you know what you're doing there you're making you're making guys without big dicks feel bad and the problem is which is exactly what this is talking about men that have small penises will not go hey that makes me feel bad you know like if you're making fun of i compare it to body shaming of women in terms of like fat women you know when guys are like she's so hot she's so like always about their thinness and their fitness they might not be saying i'm not attracted to fat women but that we fat women hear that loud and clear now the thing is fat women can't hide that they're fat whereas men

with small penises you don't know so men with small penises, you don't know. So men with small penises don't go, Hey, that makes me feel sad. You know, there are a few that are like proud about their, but it's very, very few. And so men with small penises never say anything about it. They internalize it. They don't even tell their therapist. They won't tell their closest friends. They, they have this secret alone that they can never share with anyone because apparently it is the most shameful thing to have a small penis. So what you do when you're a woman who talks about loving big dicks openly in front of men, you make these men with smaller or like average penises or ones that they might even have a big penis and think they have a small penis. You make them feel really bad. And it's worse than body shaming for women because women have a place to go when they're body shamed because they there are other women who are clearly fat that they can be like,

hey, I feel bad about this or bald or whatever it is. Even bald men don't suffer as much as men with small penises. So just be mindful that these men don't have anywhere to go. And it's that is the worst thing when you are suffering alone with something and you don't have a community of people that you can go or that you can just say hey that makes me sad and they end up this is why men end up becoming incels why they end up hurting themselves why they end up hurting others it's so it it's a big thing that i don't want to minimize by being by saying oh it's just all comes down to small penises and women it's a big thing that I don't want to minimize by saying, oh, it just all comes down to small penises. And women, it's your fault that men shoot up grocery stores.

But it's not. But it's also men shame other men for dick size. We need to just be mindful of men with small penises. And if you're a man with a small penis right now listening. Put down the gun and grab the penis. No, I love you. And I would date you. I would never not date the gun and grab the penis. No, I love you and I would date you. I would never not date a man with a small penis.

I want this to be a clip. I want to say to any man out there, you might not even be interested in me. Look at me. No, Andrew has an average penis, so this doesn't count. But if you're a man who feels bad about your dick size, don't laugh during this because it sounds like we're making fun. I'm laughing at myself it's not okay if you're a man out there with a small penis all right i want to talk to you right now and say that i would never not date you because you have a small penis i want to make

the point that do you think lesbians are miserable because there's no penises in their sex life no lesbians like the feeling of a penis inside them too. They like to be filled up. But they don't care that the partner doesn't have a penis. Because they use toys. So men with small penises. You can always use toys. It's better to use toys.

They feel better to us. Because you can use them with your hand. Instead of with your pelvis. And honestly. A woman that is ever going to be like I need a big dick is completely insecure and has and is just hitting back at all of the things that she feels that she's not being good enough for other men for and is just projecting it says nothing about who you are for every woman that wouldn't date you because of your penis, there are so many women that would.

And women that wouldn't date you, they're dumb. They're dumb and they don't understand what could be with the toys that are being used, with your mouth, with your hands. So please do not hate yourself because of your small penis. If you want, you can always DM me and just write SMALL PENIS in all caps and i will read your truth and you can lament to me about it and i will not judge you i will not write you back i will not screenshot it and share it with anyone i am a safe space and um if you want to talk to someone about it you can talk to me about it can i add something yeah a woman that's like i need a big dick probably just like maybe like my pussy so like it makes her pussy feel small maybe that

it could be a thing yeah and then the other thing is that when when when guys shame women vagina i've heard like women go you're still like i don't care like you're lucky to get this pussy like no matter what the pussy is you're lucky to get them and i feel like guys need to get that dialogue with like oh you're making fun of my little dick. You're lucky to get this little dick. You are. And you are. And there is a trend.

I know I'm going back to TikTok of women holding up rulers and be like, I don't want this 7.5 inches. I don't want 9 inches. I want 5 inches. It's called boyfriend dick is what they're calling it and the thing is i hope that you watch those and you feel empowered and that you trust those women because it is not about your dick size i do believe that you know unlike i will say unlike women who might not be attractive to men because men want a skinny woman and they're like i'm obese and so i don't even have a chance with that guy they're actually worse off based on that guy's reasoning to never get that guy than a girl who says, I need a big dick.

Well, then guess what? Go buy one at the store. A guy with a small penis can go buy a big dick and please that woman, right? Whereas a woman who is bigger and a man is like, I need a small woman. She's shit out of luck. So I will say that there's a benefit to being a man with a small penis that these women who you seem to not even be allowed to date because they need a big dick, you actually can bring one to the bedroom and it's called a dildo. And there are so many of them and they're way better than actual penises.

No offense to all the penises that I know. guess my only argument there oh sorry is you could lose weight but you can't grow a bigger dick but not some people can't lose weight no i get that some people will never look like emily radizowski no matter what my dick does let's go to break 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah. Whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt,

or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth.

That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to how to money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors.

And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022

and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling.

Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Hey, you guys. I'm Katherine Legg. I'm a racing driver who's literally driven everything with four wheels across the planet. And I've got a new podcast. It's called Throttle Therapy. This season, I'm gearing up to make history, competing in some of the world's most notorious racing events, starting at the Indy 500.

Join me as I travel from racetrack to racetrack in my quest to continue a memorable career in racing. I'm also going to bring you inside stories with legends of sports, new faces from the next generation of auto racing, and conversations with the people who've supported me throughout my career. We'll be getting into everything from karting to NASCAR, even Formula One. Whether you dream about being a pro athlete or an astronaut, we're talking about what it takes to make it. Listen to Throttle Therapy with Catherine Legg, an iHeart women's sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports.

Can you hear it? It's the whisper of two wolves inside you. One says, you're not enough. The other says, keep going. You can do this. They're always talking. The one you listen to shapes your life. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed.

On my podcast, we explore how to hear the voice that matters, the one that leads you to courage, wisdom, and love. It's not about perfection. It's about direction. Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now it's your turn. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Why do I care? Why do I care? All right, Billie Eilish says the Met Gala made her realize famous people are just literally nobodies and by the way all the swells and it's monday and you know what that means it's monday oh yeah it's always at the end yeah okay yeah so literally nobodies i like that line yeah everyone is

literally a nobody and she goes you know what she was on howard the main thing that night made me think or feel was how famous people are just literally nobody. Just randos. And it's so weird. I was like, wow, all these people are just somebody that's in class with you and you think this person's kind of annoying. You really like this person.

You get along with this person. Everybody's just embarrassed and insecure about what they're doing and saying. So all these people, they're dressed to the nine. They're in these huge dresses. Everything is cockiness. And they're dressed to the nine. They're in these huge dresses. Everything is cockiness. And they're all inside it going. Celebrities are just like us. They really are.

When J-Lo gets out of that limo and is wearing that corseted, with Cartier bedazzled thing. And she's got this look that that she's like sucking on a lemon and her her eyes are pulled back because of that surgery where you can get threads in your face that pull you back like all the hadids they feel just the same way that you do of like how this dress is itchy and my foot hurts like i sometimes we just forget that everyone is just us. So is it a disservice to to show this grab gravitas? Yeah. Is it a disservice to going to putting them on a pedestal? No, because it's fun.

Yeah. That's the thing is like we as long as you don't read into it like they're inherently better than you. And I think that's what I used to do when I was young. And that's what led me to do when I was young and that's what led me to you know want to be it didn't lead to my eating disorder but it definitely my eating disorder was not about being thin it was about not feeling like I was enough but I always thought it was about wanting to be thin looking like Jennifer Aniston look having the the stomach shape of Britney Spears on the MTV Music Awards 2000 like I always thought it was about wanting to be, I'm a slave for you, Britney Spears. What it really was is that I wasn't good enough as I was

and no amount of skinniness, because I was way skinnier than Britney Spears and Jennifer Aniston and was not better than them. And that is the problem, is that we put a moral value on it. They're a better person. When really these people are, actors are the fucking worst you

guys i have been around so many famous people at this point and it is so rare that one of these actors are actually cool musicians are cool comedians are cool actors are so not cool they're dorks dude they're these guys that went into like, did theater school. They think they're so cool. They're cool in a movie. I was making Spade laugh the other day so hard because I was like,

I was getting so mad because we were talking about some comedian we really respect and like who was hanging out with someone who was really fucking lame. And I was just like, there's no way that that comic who we know is cool thinks that person's cool there's just no way they're doing it but they're more famous

but they're more famous and they're doing it to be cool and that's the truth is like the actors suck jennifer lawrence is the only actor i have met that's not true she's one of the only actors i've met who is actually as cool as as you want her to be and as like and comedians by the way they're not all cool but way cooler than most i found actors i found what was interesting about like billy billy eilish actors are boring billy eilish like her whole thing was baggy clothes you know like that was like her thing is like you don't have to show your body even though everyone's like we gotta get it we gotta see her body yeah and then i was watching atlantis more set with you last night yes and her whole thing was looking like an adult done up at

the age of 11 like the opposite like they've had the opposite trajectories and they both were very famous at like 15 yeah but billy was completely covered to being covered oh she is oh my god have you seen her oh no she's wearing you know baggy things again like she'll be back but yeah so but i mean i guess you kind of do the opposite so lannis went from that to grungy but lannis was anorexic too no i know yeah no i know so it's like either way her hair to cover her face final thought brenda was saying last night that she was uh everyone's so eager to see billy eilish's body like they just as soon as she became of age it was like what is what's her body she hides it and no one ever does that with men no one's ever like what's he got underneath there i do have to say i have billy eilish tits today and I was really excited.

My boobs are so big today. Why do you think they're big? My hormones. Also, I've gained some weight recently. And they are so, like, look. Please just look at this. Look how big these things are today. They're giant.

I did a video for the guy I'm dating that I sent on this secret app. And I love doing these videos. I was just like, hey, I have an emergency. I was like, I sent on this secret app. And I love doing these videos. I was just like, Hey, I have an emergency. I was like, I don't mean to alarm you, but like,

do you see what's happening here? I was like, they're too big. And I was like, I have to wear this bra that literally looks like a, um, one of those bras that you breastfeed your baby. Like it's just this giant bra.

That's like grandma bra almost. Grandma. Because there's so there I have kettlebell tits today. And I did this video though, and I'm just like, they're so big. You have to come over and look at these. I don't know what to do with them.

And he wrote back, he was like, that was so fucking funny. Because I always liked, he always says that I am the perfect combo of funny and hot, where I'm just like, I always am like,

what do we do with these? But I did an emergency video today where I was like, they're am like what do we do with these but I did I did an emergency video today where I was like they're the biggest thing we'll ever be ever be today and I I don't mean to sexualize Billie Eilish but she's got some big old titties you got big old titties tiggle biddies I mean yeah today I've got some Billie Eilish's it sucks because tits can be so big where if you don't hide them people think you're showing them so it's like no matter what you wear oh yeah like anything besides a big sweater you're like you're just showing your fucking cleave it's like i'm wearing a fucking t-shirt i really it's hard actually when your

tits and my tits are not as big as some girls tits that like cause back pain and all those things like but i'm really excited today to have some tickled bitties and they're gonna get they're gonna drain soon they'll go back to the way they were but right now i'm just i ate a lot recently i've been like stressed out i've gained weight anyone that knows me like out there listen i've gained like 10 pounds recently but all in my tits no i have i've gained 10 pounds i usually do around christmas if you're out there and you relate to me yeah like fucking who cares i needed that extra food to get through the stress i felt recently it tasted so good i don't regret it my body will normalize when it needs to and i'm fine and i love my body today i have to wear different pants and i don't look the same in pictures but fuck it like let's

let's enjoy our bodies because i have hands today and i wanted to um oh we got to get to top one bottom one no we already did final thought uh no but we can do top one but there's no rules top one bottom one real quick before we leave noah is that cool don't you have a minute left yeah but that's fine we can get it done done. Top one, bottom one, fast food restaurants. It's got to be fast. Okay, fast food. Bottom. Andrew, go.

Least favorite. Least favorite, I'd have to go with Sonic. All right. Noah. McDonald's. Whoa! Damn. Okay, I'm going to go.

Someone's going to get death threats. I'm going to go Jack in the Box. There was an E-coli scare there in uh the 90s in st louis the sauce there was some orange sauce on something one time that i got it i didn't like it i'm gonna go jack in the box even though i do like their commercials that's where my mcdonald's thing comes from in like the 90s there was a chicken head in the chicken nuggets and i saw that news story and after that i was never able to go to you know what whenever there's a chicken part in chicken nuggets i always go yeah it's chicken you idiots so i'm not saying

that to you noah but like i love when there's like a claw and they're like i found a beak in my nugget it's like yeah you're eating a chicken it does really remind you that it's a fucking chicken yeah and it should because it's a chicken all right number one go i found a cow head in my burger number one and i'm i'm going from a place of when i used to eat meat because i don't eat fast food It's a chicken. All right. Number one. Go. I found a cow head in my burger. Number one. And I'm going from a place of when I used to eat meat because I don't eat fast food anymore besides Subway, but that's not going to be my top one. I would have to say, I mean, Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A.

Chick-fil-A. I knew. I knew it. It's so fucking packed. Except on Sundays. What about Sunday? Sunday, I just wait till Monday. All right.

Nola. Chipotle. Ooh. Is that considered? I Monday. All right. Noah, Chipotle. Ooh. Is that considered? I didn't even know you could do Chipotle. You can't drive through there. I was thinking like really garbage, like fast food. But you're right.

I would go Chipotle too, but I'm going to stick to the worst, and I'm going to go stuff that's bad for you. Not the best. No, but the worst fast food. The fast food chains that are not good for you. Yes. Like they try to be, but they're not ever. Chipotle is like...

Chipotle, there's no drive-thru. Okay, so we didn't say drive-thru. It's fast. I'm not mad. You seem angry. I'm not mad. It's more McDonald's. I'm going to go Taco Bell.

Taco Bell is fantastic. But really, if I'm going to go... I haven't had McDonald's in so long, but if we're going off of McDonald's, either Taco Bell or McDonald's in the 90s. That's the last time I had either of those. Loved it so much. Had a bug in my Taco Bell. Ate around it.

I'm telling you, everyone has had a bug in their Taco Bell. Oh, that's what it is. That's just what it is. There's a bug. That's what it is. There's bugs in there. Now, we will get more into the in-depth. Yes. We know the besties are loving the food discussion so we love that so much i just want to close today real quick i have one minute before i go to therapy i got this letter from a

bestie today uh this weekend i think it was from nicole um maybe not nicole but it doesn't have a name with it if you could tell me who sent this. Things my best friend Nikki has taught me. I love this list so much I want to cry. Number one, my weird thoughts don't make me weird. Number two, I don't choose my thoughts. Number three, always be honest. Number four, it is always okay to say no. Number five, I did not choose my brain. Number six, other people are going through things as well. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Seven, if you can't find something to be grateful for, be grateful that you have hands. Eight, it is okay to feel all of my feelings. Nine, I can get high off my own supply rather than reaching for advice. Ten, I don't need to be concerned with how others perceive me because I know who I am. Eleven, the people who love me will accept me as I am. Twelve, be humble. Thirteen, when I don't like how I look, I can laugh at myself. 14. To continue on

my 12-step journey. 15. If I didn't do something, it was because I wasn't meant to do it. 16. If people are late for the airport, let them in front. One day, that will be me. 17. I don't need to feel guilty for not working out. 18. It's okay that there are things I don't want to do, like hiking and watching sports. 19. Accept the thought that there will one day be a day where I will quit drinking. 20. I am okay alone. And she says, you have saved me in my darkest moments, and I am so grateful for you. I am so grateful for this list, and I am going to keep it on my fridge to remind me of all these things too. Can someone make that, you know Jimmy John's, how they have lists?

Can someone make that a thing? I don't know, how they have lists. Can someone make that a thing? I don't know. Like make that like a metal thing with the different. Like on a plaque. And we'll put it on the wall. Yeah, plaque. If you have a plaque store, write to us and I'll send you the list again so you don't have to listen back.

Thank you so much, you guys. Don't be cute. We'll see you tomorrow. And Jackson Hole. Good. Jackson. Oh, Hole. Wyoming.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances

so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How To Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show,

and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed?

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And maybe the one you feed is for you. I'm Eric Zimmer, and I bring real conversations with real people to help you feed the best part of yourself. No hype, no fluff, just wisdom that works. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season, but, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far.

I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Sheckner, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You gotta check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers.