The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #159 Bit By Bees

Episode Date: January 12, 2022

Nikki began her day 3 hours later than expected and it will have some filler. She and Andrew discuss something peculiar on The Bachelor, aging and esthetics. They conclude that "the sun is done, smili...ng is done ,fun is done and expressions are done. They also discuss a hit band that will be on Lollapalooza 2029. You Heard It Here First, tips for masturbation without a vibrator and a trivia game on common goods. In Nikki's Reddit Dump, a message from Bowie, fast piano, goth letters, a specific suck and a heartwarming or breaking video. In the Final Thought Nikki and Andrew talk a little more about Bob Saget and Nikki is excited to be recording a song about him. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch
Starting point is 00:00:22 your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.
Starting point is 00:00:49 Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF. And me, Mandy B. As we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love.
Starting point is 00:01:35 Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast. And now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests
Starting point is 00:02:12 our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to Minnie Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. You are cordially invited to... The Hottest Party in Professional Sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional
Starting point is 00:02:39 and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Starting point is 00:03:19 Here's Nikki! Hello! Here I am! Welcome to the Nikki Glaser Podcast. It's Tuesday. It feels like... Sunday. I don't know what it feels like. I cannot believe it's Tuesday. Time's been weird lately. I don't know why. Really? For you too? Yeah. Maybe moving in. Omicron. I don't know. God. I was supposed to get up at 8 today. Or at 7.30. I think my alarm was 4 and I slept till 10.57.
Starting point is 00:03:48 What the hell? What were you going to do at 7 or 8? I have so much to do. I know. It's like I have honestly so many things that now I can't do today because I have to go get Botox and microneedling and potential filler. I'm just like I'm almost depressed at the idea of getting all this stuff done today. But it's like, you need to do it, because my face is old, and I'm about to be on TV.
Starting point is 00:04:12 Like, a lot. It's so insane. And I was watching The Bachelorette last night. These 20-something, first of all, they've aged up on The Bachelorette. Everyone's, I think the median age, which I could also say average because those two things mean nothing different to me. I know median as if if you list them all out, it's like the middle one. I think that, is that mean?
Starting point is 00:04:34 No, the mean equals average. Oh, so you meant to say mean. Well, I just said median. I bet it would be the same. Sometimes they are the same. Sometimes they're different, which is wild. That is crazy. When you have like 937s in the middle.
Starting point is 00:04:46 Yes, yes. Not saying your age. Well, there's definitely not 937s in the middle of that list of ages. I just kept putting my own face. If I got out of the car, how different I would look. Would I look like the old? Because at one point, an old woman gets out of the car, and it's like, oh, it's an old woman.
Starting point is 00:05:03 She was the driver? Yeah, and she was for the next Bachelorette. They're doing the senior edition. They're going to need a ramp. There's no steps. Or for a wheelchair. I just love going
Starting point is 00:05:20 really old. We're going to do the senior edition. What is the senior edition? 40 and older? 60-something. Oh, and really old. Like, we're going to do the senior edition. And, I mean, what is the senior edition? 40 and older? 60-something. Oh, it is? Yeah, but she's really old. Oh, oh.
Starting point is 00:05:29 You think they would call it the senior edition if it was just people in their 40s? Yeah. That would be funny if they called it that, but they're not funny. Oh, yeah, that's true. But, so, okay. This is like several. Do you think senior can sometimes mean people in their 40s? Like, a senior citizen can mean someone in their 40s
Starting point is 00:05:45 unless you're being funny back in the day what the 18 1801 the day you know today we all know it but all these girls that are 27 mean mean age of 28 by the way is what i meant to say which is so different than it used to be by the way they used to used to have 18-year-olds on The Bachelor. I would say two years ago, you would look at the – someone average out their ages from The Bachelorette in 2016 versus this batch of them, and let's see what we get. Someone else do that. I don't have time for it. I kind of want to do it, though.
Starting point is 00:06:18 Do you think the idea is that – They probably used to be 20 and 22, and now it's 28. The more independent the woman nowadays, the longer they're waiting to get married i think their demo is aging so they need to like and they're smart they listen to me because i said i don't want to watch 22 year olds pretend like that they're gonna get married yeah yeah 28 year olds okay sure you're still a little naive but i can at least buy that you've been through some shit and you're gonna get little naive but i can at least buy that you've been through
Starting point is 00:06:45 some shit and you're gonna get more interesting people that have been through stuff that have exes that have baggage that have history like they're bringing more to work with on the show yeah it's not fifth wheel it's not a limit date it's not shipwreck you know this is the bachelor and they're gonna get married like you have to get. You have to get engaged at the end of it. By the way, the guy who hosts, the new host of The Bachelor, his name is, fuck, what's his name? I almost said Jesse Owens, and that is not it. That's a black runner back in the day. Back in the day when people were seeing his instance.
Starting point is 00:07:22 Jesse Palmer. Oh, that's not way off. You know who that is, right? Oh, the football player? Yes. Now. I thought they hired a black guy. No.
Starting point is 00:07:30 Oh, you would think, but they didn't. They hired this guy who looks like thick Robin Thicke. He does look like thick Robin Thicke. Robin really thick. And then. I know he gets his haircut. He played for the Gators. Okay. He played quarterback. he's an attractive guy he gets his haircut where i get my hair he's an attractive man
Starting point is 00:07:51 so he could be a bachelor yeah david letterman gets his haircut there too right yeah same guy that i get my haircut with don't touch the beard he tells the guy okay and don't talk to me and don't look at me in the eyes now uh clay Clayton, Clayton, Clayton, Clayton. That's how the girls say it on the show. Clayton, Clayton, Clayton Eckerd is a football player. He is the bachelor. He is identical to the host. It's like you're watching a father and son on the show to get this guy.
Starting point is 00:08:22 Does he look like a young Alan Thicke? Let's see. Hold on. I'll do it. I'll he look like a young Alan Thicke? Let's see. Hold on. I'll try to do a side-by-side here. I mean... To me, he... I'm sorry. If I were someone who wasn't white,
Starting point is 00:08:33 I'd go all white people look the same. If I looked at these two... I mean, they have a similar haircut. They're both tall, white men, athletic. Big, big builds. It looks like Jesse's a little bit older than him. And Jesse was a past bachelor by the way working on clayton by the way is from st louis or eureka oh yeah from
Starting point is 00:08:51 clayton so f boy being on that set yeah look at them side by side holy shit then clayton's huge because palmer is about six two six He's giant. His arms look like... He looks like Stretch Armstrong. It looks like his arms don't make sense. Anya kept being like... Does he get bigger in water? His arms do not make... He's like one of those little sponge dinosaurs.
Starting point is 00:09:14 He was a capsule when they first started out on the show. I love those things so much. I don't know why. You still do? No, I did back in the day. Putting a capsule in water. Because it changed. That was our TikTok.
Starting point is 00:09:25 It was like, oh, boy. Look at it go. Look at it go. Look at that. It's a stegosaurus. Because you thought that maybe your parents could change. Yeah. You're just a little kid.
Starting point is 00:09:39 All you needed was a cup of water. I could go through puberty. Oh, that your penis could go to a capsule to a sex source. That's why I put it in water all the time. I would just dip it for hours. It'd be like turned into a brontosaurus. Oh, you were a little boy. You probably did think like maybe I can, you liked watching things
Starting point is 00:09:56 grow. Those things were cool. All of a sudden it would go from like a little hill to like Jurassic Park. I mean, it's unbelievable. Did you eat baths as a kid? Baths? Baths. Jurassic Park. I mean, it's unbelievable. Okay, wait. What was I saying? Did you take baths as a kid? Baths? Baths.
Starting point is 00:10:09 Baths? Who bathed you as a child? I think, I don't know. I took a lot of jet. I fucked the jets. You know that. Oh, yeah. So I did take a lot of baths.
Starting point is 00:10:18 We had an indoor jacuzzi. So I fucked those all the time. Would you draw it yourself? I don't even know if I put soap on. You definitely didn't i just put my i was still dry from the top half oh my god because i was just fucking the jets on my knees oh god and then you were just bathing in a pool of like did would you come no i tried this is pre-Dinosaur. This is pre-before I developed into it. Back in the day. Yeah, back in the pill day when I was just a pill.
Starting point is 00:10:52 Wait, what were we talking? Oh, F-Boy. If you're short on these shows, the chances of you winning is like 6%. Because when you're standing next to these tall guys in a lineup, I just don't think you can win I just don't think you can win. I don't think you can win. I want to see the height winners. It's probably like the presidents.
Starting point is 00:11:12 They're all probably above 5'11". Yeah, I think we, as a woman that likes short, that is not opposed to dating shorter men, I don't know. It is true that women seem to prefer society seems to prefer i'm saying especially in a game like this where they're all lined up next to each other well yeah i mean that's true i don't know i'm trying to like play the card of like well if you're a woman and you're fucking even slightly ugly but then also if you're a man and you're
Starting point is 00:11:44 i guess if you're in a lineup and you're ugly, you're more fucked than regular world where you don't have to literally line up next to the person. Comparison is going to kill you. If you only meet one person in your life and they're ugly, you'll think they're the most beautiful person you've ever met because they are. Because they're the only person you've ever met.
Starting point is 00:12:04 Okay, how about this? You go on a dating app, and instead of one at a time, it's 10 up there at a time. And you pick the one that's the most attractive to you out of the lineup. I like this. So then nine,
Starting point is 00:12:16 I would say out of those 10 though, probably six if they were singles would get swiped right because you would fuck them. But if you compare all 10. No, I think if you're a man man probably six of them would swipe right as a woman you're swiping left on everyone because they're just i mean that's just the way i do it no way you never were really doing the apps i would have loved to have you did it was before you swiped left okay were you swiping left a lot oh so much so much. Yeah, so much.
Starting point is 00:12:45 Yeah, if they weren't into Metallica and sucking on nipples hard. Have you told Avi yet that you want your nipples black and blue? No, not yet. Will you let us know when you do? Please do. We'll know. Please do. She'll have a pep in her step.
Starting point is 00:13:02 And a band-aid on her bra. And a bandaid on her bra. And a bruise on her. Pulling out of my shirt. Black and bruise. The women on the show who are all around 28 have all had filler and things in their face to the point. And I've said this before because this has been happening for several years, young women now have surgically different faces that you're, talk about comparison,
Starting point is 00:13:31 your mind starts seeing things differently. Like you, if we can, I would love to look at faces of the Bachelorette before filler and Botox went bananas because women's normal faces, we just don't see them often anymore you see them in the midwest a little bit more we've become human filters yeah we filtered our own faces in real
Starting point is 00:13:51 life all these women i mean if you what is it about a woman that hates showing an expression in their forehead like what i just want to get behind the psychology behind it because it's wrinkles and wrinkles have always been associated with age, right? Okay, yeah. There you go. That's all it is, though? Is there... When I used to hang out with Jennifer Lawrence,
Starting point is 00:14:14 she would be like, seriously, stop making me laugh. Stop it. And she would hold her face so that it wouldn't wrinkle. Oh, wow. That's a... Also, Kim Kardashian, the same way, doesn't smile in pictures because of wrinkles.
Starting point is 00:14:25 Of wrinkles in her eyes? Of anywhere. Like you get them here. And then women don't go into sun anymore. Sun is done. Sun is done. Smiling is done. Fun is done.
Starting point is 00:14:35 Expressions are done. But you look great. I don't mind a slight xylophone. That's so sad. But I want to take away a little bit of it. And no, because you look at older women and they have more wrinkles on their face that's when you start showing wrinkles on your face you just start going crazy and everything you see on instagram is filtered yeah or the women have work
Starting point is 00:14:57 done so you're comparing yourself to women who have work done if everyone just started looking like you know that um twilight zone where everyone has a pig face okay and then the woman is they they are like we tried to operate to get her back to normal and it's her face and she's beautiful and they're like it's horrible it's just like because it's different everyone can look these surgical faces i think if they were you were placed in the 90s you would look insane but now it's everything we see in magazines and like everything's adapted to that so like having a kardashian face like filled cheekbones kind of like like a wind-blown cat like a cat in a um in one of those skydiving machines
Starting point is 00:15:39 a cat with g-forces being applied to its face is what everyone's going for now yeah there's a thing called a ponytail lift that's for younger women to get a facelift women in their like late 30s and 40s called a ponytail lift look at the befores and afters and tell me that is not insanely good it so it's like if you put a ponytail in tight yeah and it lifts everything to just go like this like right now do you think your face is tighter because you're in a ponytail no i mean no oh i don't think it is at all but um because i it's not really when you look at your face what do you sometimes i think women see things that they think society sees oh yeah no one's looking that closely i so then um what do you see that's wrong?
Starting point is 00:16:25 I see my eyes are going down here. Okay. I see that my cheeks are kind of – everything's being pulled down kind of. And I just want like a lift. Have you tried sleeping upside down? I know. That's what apparently Tom Cruise does. Tom Cruise.
Starting point is 00:16:38 To get taller or space kids? No, to get taller, he sleeps in water. Wait, where did you hear this rumor? In a little capsule. I don't know. Wait, where did you hear this? I don't know. Someone told me that once and it just stuck with me. I think he actually doesn't sleep upside down. He sleeps sitting straight up.
Starting point is 00:16:56 So that there's no pressure on his face. Wait, but that's gravity though. No, but it's still that pillow face. Look, there are days where my face, I'll look in the mirror and go, that's not my face. Because I'll eat too much sodium. Or, you know, back in the day when I would drink. You know, back in the day. No, but, and then, like, I'd wake up and, like, I'd be like, who the fuck is, like, my face?
Starting point is 00:17:13 You see it all. But then to think that's my face because that day it's bad. I think that's when you start getting in trouble. When you start looking at your face every day. Yeah, when you become a person that's on tv and yeah and everyone's calm everyone on the show is 10 years younger than you and you start getting a little cuckoo yeah and then you get stuffed under your face and then people go look at her face it looks so bad but guess what sometimes when i have stuff under my face everyone goes you're you look amazing. What's going on?
Starting point is 00:17:47 So don't act like you out there. There aren't positive returns. Don't act like you don't know when people have had stuff done to their face. Ariana Grande has had a ponytail lift, allegedly. That's where I first heard about it because I read on this blog that, you know, on subreddits where all these people are weighing in about what celebrities
Starting point is 00:18:03 have had sublastic surgery and not talked about it which is everyone they were saying that some doctor kind of outed beyonce and got like death threats from the beehive of like you don't say our queen has had plastic surgery and then they also said with pretty good evidence that um little little ariana grande had a ponytail lift. And then I told Matt. I thought you were going to say Lil Grande. Lil Grande. Well, she got a... I told that she had a ponytail lift
Starting point is 00:18:32 to Anya and Matt, Anya's boyfriend, Matt Pond. And he was like, but isn't her hair always in a ponytail? And I'm like, it's kind of funny. Of anyone to get a ponytail lift, that's the one to do it.
Starting point is 00:18:42 Well, she knew it looked good. She's been doing it her whole life. So today I'm supposed to go get microneedling, which, no, you've had that, right? Yes. Are you going to Brenna's place? No. I'm going to my place I normally go.
Starting point is 00:18:53 I don't need to see Brenna when I'm checking out. Yeah, that's true. Personally, I don't want to go there because I don't want to have... The place I go, there's a woman that's my age. I don't want to see... I love Brenna. I don't want to see her go
Starting point is 00:19:05 like you look great and my face is bloodied and has pinpricks and i'm like do i look like you yet i don't want that shit i know she can save me 20 i don't need it all right all right um but if you are if you don't mind that go over there no wait so wait so then what are you getting done i'm getting done botox which i've always done. Okay. Where's the Botox though? Forehead? Yeah, I get it around my forehead. I do.
Starting point is 00:19:32 Sometimes I do a lip flip, which it just like goes here and it makes your lip. Because the filler with girls, there is a girl on The Bachelor right now. Let me look up her face so you can see who I'm talking. Actually, I don't want to. She has blonde hair. She has no upper lip, but she got lip filler. And because I don't know how Kylie Jenner did it, how she went from having my lip, upper lip, which even worse. She had like this.
Starting point is 00:19:52 But have you seen Kylie lately? It's not good. I know, but her lip looks really like her lip when she first got done used to look really full and like almost natural, you know? And I don't know how to get that look because I've gotten filler in my lip. And it just makes you look like you have like a plate in your lip like it looks like platypus you got bit by bees no bit by bees would honestly look bit by bees
Starting point is 00:20:14 bit by bees is my favorite band that's like co-headlining they're making it it's tough though in the stream world but yeah bit by bees is doing good I love their song called you ain't alone baby cakes baby cakes making it it's tough though in the stream world but yeah bit by bees is doing good um so i love their song called uh you ain't alone baby cakes baby cakes you ain't alone baby cakes is honestly was supposed to be their single off their first track but i love that it got buried but um it
Starting point is 00:20:37 clearly should have been the single that's what they said that's what they had instead of railroad scarf yeah railroad scarf was dope though it was but it wasn't what their, it didn't like really represent what their sound was about on their album. It was a little upbeat, a little hard, a little like intense, as opposed to I Love You Baby Cakes. Yeah. You know, it just, you know those songs where it just is like, I went to the living room. Whale Watching in Kansas,ansas though was probably my favorite album
Starting point is 00:21:05 we could do this all day it's my favorite thing people probably shooting themselves but i really enjoy it dude shooting themselves is was also that hidden track shooting themselves that's only on that you can find on vinyl tape dude me and ch and Chris the other day were doing Barb and Cat. Do you know? Or what's the... They were on... It was Fred Armisen and Kristen Wiig's characters. Oh, Fred and Stimpy. No, no, no.
Starting point is 00:21:33 They were Fred Armisen and Kristen Wiig's characters on Barb and Cat. Barb and something. Okay. And Seth Meyers was the correspondent at Weekend Update
Starting point is 00:21:43 and used to bring on Barb and whoever, Fred Armisen and Kristen Wiig, and they would do the thing where they're debuting a new song. They're a couple that has holiday songs, and they're just really cheesy. They're wearing Christmas sweaters, and they're always out of breath
Starting point is 00:22:01 because they forgot that their segment was that week, and so it's clear that they're just making up these songs and then they just go like, well, the holidays are here and the reindeer's ready and we're going through the packages and we're loading up the Santas.
Starting point is 00:22:18 And Kristen Wiig, so Fred is leading it and Kristen Wiig is following. It is so funny. Barb and Kath, if you want to have a good time, just pull up those clips. And I was saying that you are so good at
Starting point is 00:22:30 that. At repeating people and getting... I'm not as good... Every time I'm in a fight with Brenna, I start doing it and she goes, you're doing this to get me to shut up. And I'm literally going, you're doing this to get me to shut up. Oh, I would... It would get physical.
Starting point is 00:22:49 You know what I'm good at though? I'm really good at when you talk and I do the mouth for it. Can we try it? Hey everybody. Thank you for coming out. I love everything about this world. This world is unbelievable it has water it
Starting point is 00:23:08 has land mountains and valleys when i was a boy we would travel to nebraska to look at the whales watching and turns out they were in kansas bit by bit i realized i should start a bank. Did you just say bid by bank because I bid by piece? We've got to get to a break and then the news. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Ooh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year,
Starting point is 00:23:41 offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early,
Starting point is 00:23:59 well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's
Starting point is 00:24:35 correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Can you hear it? It's the whisper of two wolves inside you. One says, you're not enough. The other says, keep going.
Starting point is 00:25:15 You can do this. They're always talking. The one you listen to shapes your life. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. On my podcast, we explore how to hear the voice that matters, the one that leads you to courage, wisdom, and love. It's not about perfection. It's about direction.
Starting point is 00:25:41 Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now it's your turn. Listen to the one you feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, this is Alex Kantrowitz. I'm the host of Big Technology Podcast, a longtime reporter and an on-air contributor to CNBC. And if you're like me, you're trying to figure out how artificial intelligence is changing the business world and our lives. So each week on Big Technology, I bring on key actors from companies building AI tech and outsiders trying to influence it.
Starting point is 00:26:16 Asking where this is all going. They come from places like NVIDIA, Microsoft, Amazon, and plenty more. On Wednesdays, I feature interviews with top leaders like Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky. Well, I'm in the details. Let me just say this. I actually stay in the details of the product. And on Fridays, analyst Ron John Roy and I recap the week's news looking at everything that's happened in the world of AI. That is an emoji red flag for me.
Starting point is 00:26:40 I'm putting it up. Three emoji red flags. They told me they're going to fix Siri. I dreamed. I dreamed. So if you want to be smart with your wallet, your career choices, in meetings with your colleagues, and at dinner parties, listen to Big Technology Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
Starting point is 00:26:56 or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey y'all, I'm Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls, and I'm thrilled to invite you to our January Jumpstart series for the third year running. All January, I'll be joined by inspiring guests who will help you kickstart your personal growth
Starting point is 00:27:11 with actionable ideas and real conversations. We're talking about topics like building community and creating an inner and outer glow. I always tell people that when you buy a handbag, it doesn't cover a childhood scar. You know, when you buy a jacket, it doesn't reaffirm what you love about the hair you were told not to love. So when I think about beauty, it's so emotional because it starts to go back into the archives of who we were, how we want to see ourselves and who we know ourselves to be and who we can be. It's a little bit of past, present and future all in one idea, soothing something from the past.
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Starting point is 00:28:08 Let's get into it. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. I haven't heard that in so long. We heard it yesterday. No, we didn't because it wasn't working. So they heard it, but we didn't. Oh.
Starting point is 00:28:17 Really? I thought I heard it. Oh, maybe I'm living in a time warp. It's Tuesday, folks. You know what that means? It is Tuesday. Bob Saget's dead. No, didn't you means? It is Tuesday. Bob Saget's dead. No, didn't you do
Starting point is 00:28:28 that yesterday? It means Bob Saget's dead. Yeah, I did. That happened yesterday. We could just keep doing it because he's... Last night, so I wrote a song for Bob Saget. Oh. Well, Matt wrote a song and then I... So I'm recording music this week at a recording studio
Starting point is 00:28:43 and I'm just doing it as like a make a wish for myself. Have all the swells. I'm not going to. Oh, yeah. Have all the swells. I'm not going to like. I have no. There's no guarantee I'm going to release anything.
Starting point is 00:28:54 But I'm paying thousands of dollars to just have this experience and see if I can do it. And every time I go on Instagram live, people are like, we want an album. And I'm like, I need a lot of practice before i release anything but yesterday i was going to record we recorded two songs on sunday and then yesterday we were going to record two more and i was listening to one of the tracks that we were going to record and um he wrote it about me and emile being stuck in an earthquake uh in vegas but we were we were together you were on stage so make this song. We were together. You were on stage.
Starting point is 00:29:26 So you were, you know, you're the 10-minute version of the song that we're never going to release that I'm going to perform on SNL in 2033. Andrew's on the stage. I don't care. I misbehave. But I was heading back from couples therapy yesterday,
Starting point is 00:29:42 headed to the studio, and I was like listening to the song and I was getting so... I was sad about Bob and... yesterday, headed to the studio, and I was like listening to the song, and I was getting so, I was sad about Bob, which is one of my favorite bit by B's. Oh, it's such a good song. Like EPs. Sad about Bob.
Starting point is 00:29:54 It's unbelievable what they did with that. With just a drum machine. I know. And he did it all on that, by the way. It's wild. And did you know that the weekend was when they were supposed to finish it? I heard that. You know sounds of the ocean that the weekend yeah was when they were supposed to finish it i heard that but you thought i was gonna say the weekend the guy was
Starting point is 00:30:09 no no i didn't i knew exactly what you're doing okay so i was listening to the song and i was like i love this song i love that it reminds me of like me and a meal underneath this like table it's like a beautiful song but it was like there's like a sadness to it i was like oh and and chris had texted me you know the night bob died like hey you're recording music this week you should maybe think about maybe writing a song about bob and don't and uh so hard i know it's so hard so much i know that movie is great so song about bob i said um yeah that's a good idea but like to write a song i don't know like we already have all like 11 songs written that I'm recording this week.
Starting point is 00:30:47 And then I was like, oh, wait, this song would be good. Maybe I can rewrite the lyrics. So I wrote Matt. I was like, hey, Matt, can I change the lyrics to this and make it about Bob Saget? And he was like, I don't care. Yeah, totally. So I wrote all new lyrics. And it actually fit perfectly because the first verse is like,
Starting point is 00:31:05 the last earthquake was in Las Vegas. We were cracking jokes. And it's about the earthquake. And so I was like, oh my God, the last time I hung out with Bob was in Milwaukee. And so I was like, our last run in was in Milwaukee. We were cracking jokes. So it just fit in and then the rest of it. And it's so pretty so when i was
Starting point is 00:31:25 recording yesterday i the there's this there's this bridge part that it's like um uh king of fatherhood uh king of fatherhood um something something uh i forget the lyric but it's like um when i was down you brought me up um king of fatherhood someone to trust when I was down you brought me up and I just like couldn't for some reason I was trying to think of it so that I could have the emotion in the song but then I started like I couldn't I started like crying and it was so nice the people I'm recording with were like take a break and so I I at first I was like I just want to like not, because if I bawl, my voice is all going to be like weird.
Starting point is 00:32:09 And so I was like, no, I got it. Let me just keep going. And then I was just like, you're a father to it? I was like, blah, blah. So we took a break. They were all so nice. And then they went to Starbucks. We took like an hour break.
Starting point is 00:32:19 And then we came back and I was like, I'm ready. And then I was fine. I was like, had cried and was good. Got out of my system. went through the whole song and then at the end there's like it's it's just really sad it's just like me talking to a god person being like please don't hurt the people I love please don't take anyone and all this stuff which was already the lyrics of the song original one so I got to keep the chorus and um and so i finished it and i'm like please don't take anyone and then usually like when you finish they're like great oh my god that was awesome all right so
Starting point is 00:32:52 let's move on and i knew it was the last take so i'm like please don't take anyone and it was just like quiet and they're in the next room and i'm just like and they're like uh we're kind of emotional over here. Like they, they all cried. It was so sweet. And at that point I was like, you fucking pussies get, you know, it was really nice that I was able to, I, that's why I think it's special. I'm going to release it because, because like, I don't care if it's not good because it's
Starting point is 00:33:21 just, it doesn't have to be because it's just about friendship and i think that people can put their own thing onto it and i think that bob would have would love it and it's so nice that bob actually his death got me to release something before i felt ready to and yeah so that's my news today i'm sorry i just hij, no, it's fine that you hijacked because the first story is about a terrorist that... Is it really? No. See, what was I going to say? But why not have that same...
Starting point is 00:33:55 I do the same thing, but you're like, I can release it because of this anecdote. Well, because I am paranoid of people thinking i think i'm cool or thinking i think i'm good i just i don't know why like the other day when i posted that woody harrelson picture i had to like make a million caveats of like i don't think i'm special i know this is a humble break because the thing is it was it was when yes did the jim norton post i don't even know what that is the one about um i don't know the guy that died the dedication post did you want to because i felt like you posted that and
Starting point is 00:34:33 then you were like oh let me give an anecdote about my life like with a celebrity oh that didn't even click to me but yeah jim norton's post about cindy poitier was so funny yeah yeah no it wasn't that at all oh In my head, it was just, I want to share this thing that is a little braggy that I got to meet this really famous person. I also used to be friends with this famous person. There's no context for it. On Instagram, when you post something,
Starting point is 00:34:55 Woody Harrelson didn't die. I could have sat on that until Woody Harrelson won an award or something, so it seems like, oh, that's why I'm doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, me releasing this song, it's a little self-serving i sound good on it i think i kind of sound good it's a song i wrote but because it's about bob saget and he died i have an excuse
Starting point is 00:35:15 that's what i'm saying so you have a scapegoat but when i post a picture of woody harrison apropos of nothing on a random sunday afternoon or saturday afternoon that to me seems just like there's no, I have to admit this is just a humble brag. And then I have to give, and I'm one of these people that. But is there something to the humble brag that gets more likes than even not a humble, you know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:35:40 It's like a. Well, it's not about getting likes. I wasn't doing that to get likes. But why were you, But why post anything? I was posting it because I look good in the picture. I'm bragging that I got to meet Woody Harrelson. So you like the attention. Attention is likes.
Starting point is 00:35:54 But the humblebrag did not get me more likes, I don't think. I think it does because I think it's a cool and then an acknowledging cool. Well, if it did, then that is sincere likes that I can accept. Whereas the ones that would just be because I met Woody Harrelson, I would not accept. It's almost like this podcast. When people like my stand-up, to me, I feel like I'm tricking people because it's a performance. It's a little bit more curated. I can't accept the compliments as much.
Starting point is 00:36:19 I do, and I acknowledge them. But when people like the podcast and like me on the podcast that fucking straight to the heart the other one goes through like my foot and like goes to the side because the bunion and travels up and it's all like it's it's a I get shot because it's like a friendly like a you know it's I don't it doesn't sink in but because the people that like the podcast I'm not nothing on here is me trying to be anything except myself. Whereas that caption where I'm saying, I have a roommate,
Starting point is 00:36:50 I live in St. Louis and I drive my mom's car. That, that is the real me admitting that. And me being like, a lot of people were like, you seem unhinged. And I'm like, that's the real me.
Starting point is 00:37:01 I am. I'm a little unhinged. And I liked that. It's a great name for a special. A special or a Bit By Bees forthcoming album. Which is actually, I didn't want to tell anyone, but- Do you talk to them still?
Starting point is 00:37:14 You talk to Trevor? I emailed him. Andrew's friends with the bassist from Bit By Bees, and he didn't want to brag about it, but I will do it for him. Anyway, we got to get to the news. But I do want to say though, when you humble brag, that is me to throw in the caveat.
Starting point is 00:37:31 It's just who I am. Bo Burnham, I've talked about this before on his special. It annoyed me how much he had to call out what he was doing all the time. It's self-awareness to a degree that is almost exhausting. But that's me, baby. That's me. And you know what's not me as posting a picture of myself with woody harrelson acting like that that's my normal life because it ain't
Starting point is 00:37:50 baby yes and as a woman and as a girl that used to when i was young get very triggered by like god everyone's life is so much better than mine i really think it is up to us when we're presenting something that is not a normal representation of our life to call it out for people who might be struggling with that comparison thing because if someone, if I saw like one of my, the women that I look up to or like, you know, compare myself to
Starting point is 00:38:20 posting something and then at the end they go, here's the real story. I did it while I was writing this. I eating oatmeal i spilled it on my computer and you know something gross it would take me out of it and go listen she's just like you and i i needed that so much as a kid and i wish there would have been more of she's just like you so i always try to add a layer of that not so I can be like I'm the every woman like me it's because I'm talking to myself that
Starting point is 00:38:50 used to go wow she's killing it because if I haven't bought my head tomorrow and I go on my Instagram and I don't know say I don't know who I am and I look at this girl and I see her I'm gonna get a little jealous of myself sometimes because it is on Instagram it's not representing my real life so I just feel like it is up to us to have a surgeon general's warning of our real life.
Starting point is 00:39:09 I agree with that. I just think like the photo in itself, not just with Woody Harrelson, but there's any photo where you look hot or where you're a celebrity or like if I body looks good or whatever. And then you write the caption. It's like what you it's like when I used to like put up funny things where my where i looked attractive still but but listen so the photo is already getting people to be jealous is what i'm saying the funny thing you're not being sincere you're being funny you're not saying i'm being now if you had a caption that said i'm being funny right now so i can post a hot picture that's sincere yeah but i think that's implied already before even writing it all out.
Starting point is 00:39:46 That's my point. Sometimes you think it's implied, but it's not. Okay, but if you just put up that picture of Woody Harrelson and go, here I am with my celebrity friend that I just met yesterday. Well, that's calling it out. I live at home. That's another way of doing exactly what I did.
Starting point is 00:39:58 Yeah. Well, how is that different? I just did it more. I just guess it was a longer thing. It's a different presentation of it. I just feel like that the nuance is already understood that here i am obviously i'm not going to put up a picture where i look this is a different joke like it's the same joke but it's a different
Starting point is 00:40:13 way of presenting it it's just as funny and possibly shorter but i also like that i talk like that anyway of i just if you don't like it like a lot of people are like, I do not like this. This is a crazy woman. And I'm like, I even sent it to Chris before I posted it because I was like, I felt crazy. And I'm like, do you like me after reading? Do you still, do you still like me? Do you think this is representative of the way I am?
Starting point is 00:40:37 And he's like, you do not need to write all that. Like you are enough. Just like people don't need to know that you throw yourself under the bus too much. But I- I love throwing. It's very much you throw yourself under the bus too much but i i love throwing it's very much a bus throw i do and so when i checked with him i've been checking with him a lot on things i got asked to do a naked photo shoot yesterday oh for a magazine and i don't know if i'm gonna be able to do it no i'm so excited you know that's why i did dancing with the stars because you guys were like the outfits you get to be so hot and i was like yes
Starting point is 00:41:06 um and i it's coming it's like soon so there's no me getting in shape for it and there wouldn't be any way and let me just say my body isn't the best it's ever been but i'm just like whatever um and it's it's a and i got asked to do it from my publicist just to ask if i would be interested in receiving the invite for it. Because they weren't even going to send the offer if I'd never posed nude. She texted me. She was like, would you pose nude for like a tasteful thing where you'd be covered up, you know, on your asshole? Only my asshole.
Starting point is 00:41:38 So my pussy's going to be front. It's going to be, you know. A full pussy spread. Yes. What is it called when you? Are you going to show a pull out? Yeah, pull out couch. So anyway, I don't know that I'm going to be able to do it,
Starting point is 00:41:53 but I was like, I asked my, you know, not my boyfriend, but the guy that I'm very close to as being my boyfriend. I asked him. I was like. That's a good caption. I didn't ask him. I didn't go. I know.
Starting point is 00:42:03 No kidding. I go. It wasn't like I was asking permission because he goes were you asking like my if I would have said did you think I was gonna say no and I was like no I didn't think I would still do it but I just wanted to gauge like because he's just kind of a good arbiter of like this isn't you he'll let me do anything that's truly me or like not let me but like give the okay I guess that still sounds like asking permission i promise you i'm not um but he was like fuck yes do it like he wants me to do a topless special he's like that
Starting point is 00:42:31 would be so funny and cool like just saying fuck it like men can be burt kreiser can do it you should do it and i've got slightly bigger tits than burt and um it's close and he was like yes he was like this is awesome and was like, this is awesome. And the publication is like, it's a good, it's up there with like, it's not Maxim, you know, which I would gladly do. Maxim, reach out to me.
Starting point is 00:42:55 Maxim's still around. When you do the senior edition. Yeah, 40. Or like F-A-H-M. Was that the old one? Yeah, F-A-H-M. I would even do fucking Playboy. I would do it I would but it
Starting point is 00:43:06 was nice to get the from the person who you know sees me naked most and is probably a little bit proprietary about my nakedness and me giving that away to the world he was like fuck yeah you look amazing like put it out there and he was like is this gonna make you kind of like he was a little worried about eating disorder stuff like is this gonna make you do some things and I was like, is this going to make you kind of like, he was a little worried about eating disorder stuff. Like, is this going to make you do some things? And I was like, honestly, I would do the shoot right now. And I had just eaten like so much Thai food. I was just like, they're going to tweak anything that I would have a problem with in my body would be like a skin thing. Well, how nude are we talking?
Starting point is 00:43:38 Are we talking nipple? Like, I'm going to do the Jennifer Aniston this, where she's sitting like this. Yeah. And she had her tits out? Yeah. Yeah. She's naked, but it sitting like this. Yeah. And she had her tits out? Yeah. Yeah. She's naked, but it's like this. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:43:48 And so you see, she's blocking her vagina with her leg. You would need a bigger leg, though. I have a bigger leg than Aniston, so we're good. No, talk about your pussy. Oh, I know, but my leg is also bigger. Anyway, and I'm going to have my pussy hair styled in the Rachel. Okay, first news story, seriously. Noah is like getting hives.
Starting point is 00:44:14 No, we have plenty of time. Oh, you don't care? Okay, good. Here are some expert approved tips for masturbation without a vibrator for women. You ready? Okay. a vibrator for women you ready okay try a diagonal diagonal oh boy pterodactyl stroke imagine that there's a clock over your clitoris with okay hold on okay with the 12 closer to your anus and the six closer to your belly button so it's clock like you're if you placed a clock
Starting point is 00:44:40 yes okay and then stroke from one to seven if you're a righty or 11 to five if you're a lefty. Diagonal, so like that. Use one finger to run circles around your clitoris without touching it directly. Interesting. Okay. Oh, I'll run circles around my clitoris. Sounds like I'm like, oh, I'll fucking kick your ass. It does.
Starting point is 00:45:04 All right. Okay. I'll finger your ass. All right. I'll finger your ass. All right. Try rubbing your clitoris with one finger, two fingers, three fingers, four fingers, and your entire hand. Noah. Should I say clitoris?
Starting point is 00:45:15 No, no, no. It's nothing about you. It's just you don't have a clitoris. You know, before the sponge soaked up the water, it kind of looked like one. Noah, when you are doing a manual clitoral rub with your fingers, which I'm thinking you've done before. Of course.
Starting point is 00:45:30 Okay, do you lift up the hood? No, it's too intense. Oh, so you do it with hood on. Yeah, hood on. Like a muffler. You pet the turtle with the shell still on. Yeah, hood on. Like a muffler. You pet the turtle with the shell still on.
Starting point is 00:45:46 Correct. I need to lift up the hood. My clit is so, it looks like a- From the start though or like after you've worked on it a little bit? You know, like I don't really fucking, I don't even do foreplay with myself. I'm like, let's just jump on in. But my hood is, I have a significant hood. Okay. like let's just jump on in but my hood is i have a significant hood okay and my clit is the size of a um you know like a little uh like a not a um what are the like grains that you buy
Starting point is 00:46:15 that are like orange that are perfect circles lentil they're like a lentil they're the size of a lentil a dried lentil is that small i think so you have a big hood small lentil and They're the size of a lentil, a dried lentil. Is that small? I think so. So you have a big hood, small lentil. And it's not a huge hood, but it's like it looks like a piece of bubble gum. You're like a little person in a Klan outfit. I really want to do a thing for my boyfriend, because when I blow dry
Starting point is 00:46:38 my hair, I look at my vagina sometimes because it's out, and my lips hold full like, so my hood is here, and then my lips go are like you know coming out sometimes like my majora but they they hang down probably like a half of a quarter whatever that is like a a third of an inch down but if i pull them enough they can go down to like you know a little bit more and um it looks like a bunny rabbit so much because the way I'm looking at it, it looks like a,
Starting point is 00:47:05 like it's just like, hey, and for Easter, I want to put a nose and a little, I want to like, I want to make it an Easter bunny for Easter and say like,
Starting point is 00:47:15 happy Easter to you, which I don't think he'll even like because that's like not his sense of humor, but he's the only person I could ever show that to. Maybe my friends too. Unless you do it for Playboy. You better get on that WhatsApp chat again around Easter, Noah, because she kind of fell off the WhatsApp chat, but you got to get around to Easter, because that's where I'll
Starting point is 00:47:31 put it. Okay. Deal. But yeah, so you lift the hood. I'm wondering if our listeners lift the hood. All right, let us know if you lift the hood to get to the edge of it. What size bean would you say your your clit is noah uh maybe like like a shrunken navy bean or something like that okay oh so it fought for our country what is a navy bean i don't know or like a like a
Starting point is 00:47:56 like a pinto bean does your does your bean ever bean that's a big bean. No, but mine's the size of a Pinto car. Does yours ever hide in your body? Like, because it's like, it's too, like mine, sometimes I'm about to come and then it literally will go, nah, girl, and it will go in and I can't fucking find it. That happens with my dick, not into my body, but it will go soft right when I'm going to come, which is kind of weird. Mine hides like, no, it's like me trying to give Luigi a bath.
Starting point is 00:48:27 Like the second he senses, it comes out when it's like, oh, my voice is up here. And it seems like I'm like over by the cabinets where the treats are. But then the second that I run the water, it's like,
Starting point is 00:48:37 interesting. I wonder what that is. And that's why that one thing I showed on the show one time that you like clip your clit to make it exposed was actually, I'm going to try that again, but I think I was clipping it on it instead of around it because it always retreats. Okay, what are some more tactics?
Starting point is 00:48:55 Because I need this. All right, try rubbing your clitoris with one finger. So one to seven, and then around. And then start with one, get all the way to four fingers, and then if you're a six-finger person, get weird. Using two fingers, place one on each side of your clitoris, rub up and down. You can also try a side-to-side. Tap your clitoris with one to two fingers.
Starting point is 00:49:14 Oh, the old tap technique. Tap-a-roo. Keep your underwear on. You could also try this with a rougher fabric like jeans. Oh, I love. Hey, is this talking about my joke? Where you use the little the little button on the jeans where the seam meets pull your outer labia together and rub
Starting point is 00:49:30 your clitoris through the folds of your skin okay i'm into this yeah i've never tried any of this i ate a girl's jeans one time i gave a girl over the jeans blow job once god this is why it's so funny best friends one guy once told me that he was at a strip club and getting a lap dance back where things were like kind of happening back there where she was offering maybe more money for other things and he's like no no no but she threw his jeans like he was hard and like bit his penis through his jeans and was just like, and like breathed on it. I do that to my man all the time. I love,
Starting point is 00:50:09 it's an over the pants blowjob. Try to actually suck a dick through jeans. Like, and also guys, I think this is a cool trick to say, no, you don't get it unless you work for it. And like,
Starting point is 00:50:20 try to suck my dick through my jeans and make, the girl will be so, it's like a game. If you make things games for women where you're just not giving it because guys take out their dick so soon we never have like i want it if you make us beg for things when you finally give it to us we'll be so into it more so than you've ever seen us i think that's a trick maybe put on another pair of jeans two pair of jeans yeah do um never nude it is interesting a guy
Starting point is 00:50:46 that's not circumcised so they are their hood they have a hood maybe it feels good to play with the head of your cock through your foreskin which or through your underwear i guess you could use your underwear if you don't have one i love when i masturbate i think for some if i'm ever doing like hand stuff i if if a guy is starting down their hand stuff through my jeans and then my leaving my underwear on to the side like yeah not doing directly all of that is so good you can do really firm pressure all you can go right in with firm pressure when you leave on that stuff but that's just a good way to get a girl warmed up if i could give any advice to men hooking up,
Starting point is 00:51:25 which is a fumbly thing to do in the beginning, less is more. Like, don't, like, the teasing thing gets kind of annoying after a while, and it's not as hot. But if you go, like, hard, but with, like, clothes on, that's very interesting. That can be very fun,
Starting point is 00:51:40 because the girl's like, just fuck me already. And, like, you just go, I don't think you deserve it yet and she'll be like what do you want and you go i guess i'll know when i see it and then the girl will just make it a fun game it's so hot just jerk off on her jeans all right use lube to help your fingers glide over your clitoris yes lube for yourself ladies try masturbating in different positions stimulate your clit with other objects. You can try grinding against pillows or
Starting point is 00:52:07 under a faucet in a bathtub. Luigi? Luigi's tongue, Luigi's penis, Luigi's asshole. Try holding your breath for short periods of time as you masturbate. Kind of like a choking technique. I can't recommend the suction toys more girls, but I will
Starting point is 00:52:23 say that I have to get the shameless flirt dildo that has uh like i've shared it before it's green it's called shameless flirt it's very expensive but if you're someone who has some extra cash dude it's by um what does it do it's by cal exotics is the name of the brand and it it it goes it's not just like vibrating it goes like it's like a sledge like a you know what do you break up the wall or something no no it's just a let me just go get it hold on i think i've seen oh yeah yeah yes yes yes i got a new one because I lost the charger for the first one. And so I just had them.
Starting point is 00:53:08 I had Balessa send me a new one. This one, it looks like it's dirty, but I clean it every time with a dildo cleaner. So this is it. And watch this. Oh, my God. I'm not kidding you. The other day, Chris was using this on me and he had me blindfolded and he goes,
Starting point is 00:53:26 and we were kind of doing a role play where it was like someone else was fucking me. He was like letting someone else and he was like, he's arriving in his chopper now. And I could not stop laughing the entire time because then it gets,
Starting point is 00:53:39 it starts to do a cool beat. So there's different settings. Okay, that's the fast. And that's the chopper. He's getting ready to leave you. This is a beat that actually Bit By Bees used. It is. I was going to say the same thing.
Starting point is 00:53:59 This was off the third EP. Drummer boy, drummer boy, come on over. Drummer boy, drummer boy, come on over. Drummer boy, drummer boy, vibrate. I swear to God, I know it seems like a lot, and the first time Chris used this, I have to say, he was like, what the fuck? I don't like this. Because it's just...
Starting point is 00:54:16 No, it saves them. This is the one thing I think women don't understand about guys when we're using toys. When we're doing this guy, which that does, you get a little bit of carpal tunnel. It hurts our hands. And I know as a man, you should be able to grab a hammer and hammer away for hours.
Starting point is 00:54:35 Do you know that when girls are jerking you off, they get that? And they also, when they're blowing you, they get it? I'm not saying that. I'm just saying. But this is going to save you time. You just put us. But girls, you know what you do with this, girls? If you're by yourself, I'm serious.
Starting point is 00:54:46 Get one of these. Balesa is where they sell it. It's called the Shameless Fart. Keep on your underwear and use your underwear as a way to hold it in. So put your underwear about like mid-thigh. Yeah. And then the underwear, you can pull the underwear up as you're using it. So you don't even have to hold it.
Starting point is 00:55:01 The underwear works as like a harness for it to push it up. And this is something I put in after I've stimulated myself clitorally enough that i'm like wet and it can go in and i also sometimes use lube just to like get it in if i want one and you can use the serum that i recommend for your face the ordinary you can use that serum as well i need to get one of those this stuff this thing is so i'll give you one because i have an extra one and you really yeah but i just need to get uh i'll give it to you you can come just down and charge it on mine because i only have one charger i'll give you an extra one because i have an extra one but i only have one still no but i it's dude this there's no like i mean i get crannies for this to yeah it's clean like i have i'm not saying that it's not up to me i i mean i'll use anything
Starting point is 00:55:43 i'll use a nine iron. Yeah. Well, actually, I have a box. You can just pretend like it's clean, even though she listens to the podcast. We can't lie to her. I'm not going to lie. Okay. We have five minutes left. Let's get to another story.
Starting point is 00:55:54 Come here, Luigi. Are you okay? All right. Now, are you going to ask us for this one? Sure. Do you want to read the headline or it's going to make you look at the answers? It'll make me look at the answers. Okay. All right.
Starting point is 00:56:04 Social media users share the surprising uses for everyday items can you guess okay okay so i'll i'll read the item and then you guys guess what yeah guess what they're doing okay the tiny off of it sorry well the tiny hole in an airplane window the tiny hole oh airplane window um i know do you know what you're they're talking about no it's this little hole that's almost like the size of a pencil lead um probably smaller like a little bit smaller than a mechanical pencil lead um i would say sharpening sharpening a pencil i I don't know. I would say just getting a little bit more air.
Starting point is 00:56:52 Or if you're making Play-Doh and you want to give the Play-Doh an eye, you can press it against it and it'll make it a little eye. Good guess. What? Unfortunately, you're wrong. It's to provide ventilation
Starting point is 00:57:04 so the glass won't pop off. Oh, I thought it was like life hacks that you can do for it. Oh, I thought this was too. Oh. Oh, this is just saying like what things that you go, what is that for? Okay, never mind. This makes sense. I thought it was like a secondary thing. I would have said it was like to depressurize the window a little bit.
Starting point is 00:57:21 Is that right? It's to prevent fog. Okay, yes. Okay, that makes makes sense here's another one so let's let's start all over yes okay the small extra pocket that's located inside the jeans pocket key no that's for your uh buttons okay uh actually it's to provide extra support to stop the trousers from ripping in their weak spots. Ah. Okay. They should put a little pocket by the crotch then because I see so many guys getting holes down there.
Starting point is 00:57:49 That's true. I used to get those holes there all the time too. You could put your cocaine there. Yeah. That's where a lot of people would put it, which is like the most obvious place. It's a great place for a key though too. It's a little small for a key, no?
Starting point is 00:58:00 This? Yeah. That pocket's small. Is it deep enough? Dude, I could put a hotel key in there. And these are some classic Levi's from like the 80s. Okay, go on. Back in the day.
Starting point is 00:58:10 Okay. So have you ever seen that small hole next to the lock in the padlock? There's like a little tiny hole? Yes, yes. That's to open it if you don't have the key. Wrong. Well, that seems like a way to just break into it. No, like a master key for that little key.
Starting point is 00:58:27 I'm pretty sure I'm right. I'm going to say it's to make it so it doesn't fog up. It's to drain water and avoid them from going rusty as well as providing a way to oil it. Interesting. Okay. Okay, this one I think you'll know. I like this.
Starting point is 00:58:43 We should do more of these. Yeah, I don't know how many there are. But I mean like this kind of concept of quizzing us. Okay. Okay, this one I think you'll know. I like this. We should do more of these. Yeah, I don't know how many there are, but I like it. But I mean like this kind of concept of quizzing us. Okay. The tiny hole next to the camera on your iPhone. Oh, that's the... Wait, let's look. Oh.
Starting point is 00:58:56 That's for zooming. Oh, there is a tiny hole there. Fog, fog. Another foggy hole. Andrew? Lens fog. For Zoom? What for Zoom?
Starting point is 00:59:07 Huh? I presume? It's for to go on a conference call with your boss during COVID. Okay, close. It's a microphone. Oh, that's your microphone? Yeah. What the fuck? Wow. Okay, cool.
Starting point is 00:59:22 I just want to put my dick in everything we're talking about. And I just want to thank the Daily Mail for this article. I don't want to take any credit for this. Don't ever thank the Daily Mail. They are the worst. Fuck you, Daily Mail. We're stealing this from you and you had nothing to do with it. Yeah, fuck you, Daily Mail.
Starting point is 00:59:34 They're terrible, but also they're my number one news source. That's where I get everything from. All right. Fabric swatches provided alongside the spare buttons on new clothes. Patching up holes. Wait. What was it? Fabric swatches provided alongside the spare buttons on new clothes. Patching up holes. Wait, what was it? Fabric what? They give you fabric swatches sometimes in a little sewing kit, right?
Starting point is 00:59:55 Yeah, that's to plug up holes. Okay. Actually, it was news to me too, is to test your cleaning products to ensure that you won't ruin the fabric of the full garment. Wow. Stupid.
Starting point is 01:00:09 God, there are so many dumb things. By the way, a sewing kit in hotels is, you never need it. I only use those needles to like rip apart my hangnails. I didn't even know there were needles in there. Oh, there's needles in sewing kits. No, I didn't even know sewing kits were in sewing kits. Or even like the shoe shine fucking rag. is some like in nice hotels they have all these like
Starting point is 01:00:29 dumb little things that you're just like yeah back in the day they needed this back in the day i get sad when i walk past a shoe shine place in an airport and it's just abandoned like that was someone that fed people's kids i know i um do you know i just want to say i'm not saying this as like i used to have a joke about it but i used it was one of my favorite jokes i did where i go like i've given like six handjobs like back in the day and that was that day was tuesday yeah yeah because when you do say back in the day it's just funny to say it's like one day you gave six handjobs yeah like back in the day and then yeah and that was recent and it was one day um it's like reminds me
Starting point is 01:01:06 of my schumer joke that's like i've had sex with like seven people and that was like a crazy night it was like yeah like that kind of thing all right go on all right so the starbucks cup that you have there okay the lid that has a tiny hole that is obviously what not the hole but the lid itself okay what can it be used for i actually saw this one so i'll be cheating it's like a funnel right andrew i can't you can flip it upside down this is the one i did see what is it it's a cup holder or like a a coaster. Oh, for the cup? Yeah, I guess so. Okay.
Starting point is 01:01:48 No, it's not fitting. It doesn't really fit. I gotta say, it's not fitting. Bogus. All right, I guess they're wrong. None of these are true. Any more? Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 01:01:58 Okay, this one you probably know, because I think if I knew it, you guys probably know it. The hole in the tab on fizzy drink cans. I'm guessing that's just a pressure thing. Well, what can you use it for besides opening the can? The hole in the tab? Oh, I've seen this before. Like on a can?
Starting point is 01:02:18 You use it to... Like on your Zevia cans. I don't know. What is it? It's for... You can use it for something. So some of these are life hacks and some of these are not. You could spray it on fucking titties.
Starting point is 01:02:30 No, no, no. What is it? So if you flip it all the way towards you, you can use the hole to hold your straw so it doesn't like... Oh, yeah. I like that one. Oh. That's cute.
Starting point is 01:02:42 God, I saw a really good life hack the other day that I was like, God, I can't wait to use that. It was something so simple and so smart. Fuck. Okay, well, that was unhelpful to everyone. Jesus. Jesus. Sorry, guys.
Starting point is 01:02:54 I thought it was going to come to me, but it did not. Any more? Okay, I have two more real quick. Yeah, no worries. Food related. Hurry up. Okay, the hole in the arm of a pan. In a pan?
Starting point is 01:03:08 Oh, that's the handle. To hang it. No, it's to keep you from having to rest your wooden spoon on the side or get it dirty while you're cooking. Oh, fuck you. Oh, I have a little spoon dish because I hate that. I do need a spoon dish. We were just talking about that.
Starting point is 01:03:24 It gets so dirty so fast, but spoon dishes are dope. And there's also a lot of cool appliances or spoons themselves that you can use that levitate so they don't, when you put them down on the counter, they don't touch the counter. I mean, I guess they could still drip, but there's cool technology now. I would love to hear anyone send in life hacks, any of our listeners, just a prompt for some fanthrax. For sure.
Starting point is 01:03:51 Some life hacks that you either found on TikTok that you actually use or one that you discovered on your own. All right. Last one. Keep going. Okay. The last one, which shocked me. A tiny hole on your dog's asshole.
Starting point is 01:04:03 Close. That's a... The hole in your pasta spoon. The hole in your pasta spoon. Hole in your pasta spoon. You know that pasta spoon that you used to pick up? Oh, I know. That's to measure the amount of pasta that is like a half a cup or something. The serving size for one person.
Starting point is 01:04:18 Correct. Yes. Yes. And you put it in there dry. And you put the dry pasta in it. Oh, before you even cook it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:04:26 Dude. I had no idea. I didn't know that either. I don't eat pasta, but that's cool. I know that meat is supposed to be a fist, but I don't eat meat either. You know what? Why don't we all just eat until we feel full instead of these measurements? Because I feel like measurements always bum me out.
Starting point is 01:04:46 I also never mind leftovers. Like I'll eat the leftovers. You'll eat them three hours later, but let's be honest. Like we all eat leftovers. I've never once eaten leftovers the next day. When I have done that before because I've forgotten about them,
Starting point is 01:05:00 I feel like a woman in a movie that is like, I feel like Emily in Paris. And I don't even watch that show, but I feel like Lily Collins. Like I'm just a woman in a movie that is like, I feel like Emily in Paris. And I don't even watch that show, but I feel like Lily Collins. I'm just a normal girl who keeps leftovers and eats it later. Because never once have I not crept,
Starting point is 01:05:16 the food is still warm when I'm re-eating it. And I take it home from the restaurant, I'm such a civilized woman. I'm Helen Hunt and what women want like I swear to god like I always feel that's the thing that makes me feel like more of like a normal woman than anything and I can't even do it so funny you say because well Brenna we had spaghetti the other night I bet Brenna keeps leftovers she did it perfect she has Tupperware she puts in her little Tupperware she has a meal prep but Kirsten meal prep but she does Tupperware. She puts in her little Tupperware. She has a meal prep. Kirsten meal prep.
Starting point is 01:05:45 But she does Tupperware with it. She's like, I'm just going to bring the noodles. I was going to bring this. And I'm like, oh my God, that's a real thing. Because for us, I feel like we either eat it right away or that will sit in the fridge for, I don't know, nine months. Yes. And it'll become its own dinosaur.
Starting point is 01:06:00 We're very similar. Yeah, we are. I do want to say to Brenna, if she's listening, I will come by your med spa oh she won't be offended no but she's kind of a compliment she seriously is so beautiful that i just know like me looking like and i was she's my friend so i don't care if she judges me or like i'm and i'm not comparing myself to her but she is so beautiful that that type of person greeting me after i have like after i'm like i'm trying to be you
Starting point is 01:06:27 and she's like oh my god you look how was it oh my god you're gonna love the results like that kind of thing which i know she probably doesn't talk that way and like but i've been to enough of these places there's always a woman older than me working the front desk and that has served me in my life it's interesting because it's like you would think it'd be the other way around because you would see what you could be. No, and that's what she's there for. I mean, that is smart to have her. But she needs to have a tag that says Brenna 46.
Starting point is 01:06:55 And then you go, wow, okay. Wouldn't that make you feel worse? No, because it makes me feel like, oh my God, if you can look like that when you're 46, this is the place to go. Yeah, no, I know, but I'm saying it's just impossible. No, because it would make me feel, oh my God, if you can look like that when you're 46, this is the place to go. But I'm saying it's just like impossible. No, because it would make me feel when I came out of this thing, because you always look rough no matter what after you have all this stuff done.
Starting point is 01:07:11 You can't expect results right away. This isn't like the hair salon. You don't leave like, I can go to a cocktail party now. You leave look like you just got Chris Browned. And so you would just think, oh, I'll look like that in the morning. And by the morning, you definitely don't, but Brenna's not there anymore and no one's accountable. Okay, let's go to break and we'll come back with Why Do I Care?
Starting point is 01:07:34 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Ooh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah. Whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early. Well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money
Starting point is 01:08:10 so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed?
Starting point is 01:08:54 Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Can you hear it? It's the whisper of two wolves inside you. One says, you're not enough. The other says, keep going. You can do this. They're always talking. The one you listen to shapes your life.
Starting point is 01:09:35 I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. On my podcast, we explore how to hear the voice that matters. The one that leads you to courage, wisdom, and love. It's not about perfection. It's about direction. Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now it's your turn. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Starting point is 01:10:10 Hi, this is Alex Kantrowitz. I'm the host of Big Technology Podcast, a longtime reporter and an on-air contributor to CNBC. And if you're like me, you're trying to figure out how artificial intelligence is changing the business world and our lives. So each week on Big Technology, I bring on key actors from companies building AI tech and outsiders trying to influence it. Asking where this is all going, they come from places like NVIDIA, Microsoft, Amazon, and plenty more. On Wednesdays, I feature interviews with top leaders like Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky. Well, I'm in the details. Let me just say this. I actually stay in the details of the product. And on Fridays, analyst Ranjan Roy and I recap the week's news, looking at everything that's happened in the world of AI. That is an emoji red flag for me. I'm putting it up. Three emoji red flags.
Starting point is 01:10:49 They told me they're going to fix Siri. I dreamed. I dreamed. So if you want to be smart with your wallet, your career choices, in meetings with your colleagues, and at dinner parties, listen to Big Technology Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, y'all. I'm Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls, and I'm thrilled to invite you to our January Jumpstart series for the third year running. All January, I'll be joined by inspiring guests who will help you kickstart your personal growth with actionable ideas and real conversations. We're talking about topics like building community and creating an inner and outer glow. I always tell about topics like building community and creating an
Starting point is 01:11:25 inner and outer glow. I always tell people that when you buy a handbag, it doesn't cover a childhood scar. You know, when you buy a jacket, it doesn't reaffirm what you love about the hair you were told not to love. So when I think about beauty, it's so emotional because it starts to go back into the archives of who we were, how we want to see ourselves and who we know ourselves to be and who we can be. So a little bit of past, present and future, all in one idea, soothing something from the past. And it doesn't have to be always an insecurity. It can be something that you love. All to help you start 2025 feeling empowered and ready. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Why do I care?
Starting point is 01:12:13 Well, we're skipping why do I care today because we talked enough about celebrities. Bob Saget's dead. And let's get to Reddit dump. My favorite thing to do. Can you tell I got a facial? No. You can't got a facial? No. You can't tell, right? No, I'm sorry.
Starting point is 01:12:27 You can't tell when people get facials unless it's like right after. Oh, and it's like probably, it was called Diamond something. I don't know. This is. I loved it, by the way. It's so nice to get a facial. Facials are. Not abrasive ones.
Starting point is 01:12:40 I guess this one, they took off dead skin, which I had a lot of. Man, when they do the extractions, though, and they pop all of your... Did they do that? Well, Brandon's been doing that for about two months. So they didn't have that much to do. I don't get those done anymore. I would actually recommend girls not get extractions when they go in for a facial. And your lady
Starting point is 01:12:58 will be like, no, what are you doing? I've not done an extraction in two years. And my pores have never been smaller and it's never been better. I do think extractions cause the problem that makes you need to keep getting facials. But I am also not an esthetician, and I know nothing.
Starting point is 01:13:13 Okay, so this is from... It's probably the most fun they have, too. Wait, can I play the stinger? Subreddit next fuck... Huh? Can I play the stinger? Oh, yeah. Karaoke mode.
Starting point is 01:13:21 This is your reddit dump. I love your laugh in the background. Okay, so this is your reddit dog i love your laugh in the background okay so this is the sub reddit next fucking level and this is david bowie in 1999 talking about the impact of the internet on society this is 1999 this is pretty good back in the day yeah this is back in the day sorry once i get these are so hard to make start. Let me just, oh fuck it, now I screenshotted it. God damn it, Bowie. I don't need this shit. I don't think we've even seen the tip.
Starting point is 01:13:53 I think the potential of what the internet is going to do to society, both good and bad, is unimaginable. I think we're actually on the cusp of something exhilarating and terrifying it's just a tool though isn't it no it's not no no it's an alien life form what do you think i mean when you think then about it is there life on mars yes it's just landed here but that's it's a simply a different delivery system there. You're arguing about something more profound. Oh, yeah, I'm talking about the actual context and the state of content is going to be so different
Starting point is 01:14:34 to anything that we can really envisage at the moment, where the interplay between the user and the provider will be so insympatico. It's going to crush our ideas of what mediums are all about i mean i just love the idea of cut to some girl showing her vagina on tiktok i love his use of the word envisage i want to keep i want to do that work you know what i learned i need to get into bowie more. I've never been a Bowie head. I do love
Starting point is 01:15:07 so many songs he wrote and then other artists covered. Didn't the Foo Fighters do a Bowie song? There's one of their hit songs. Vanilla Ice copied his beat. And mine is Yeah, that's insane
Starting point is 01:15:24 that that was ever an argument funniest thing ever that was a different song and then also there was this girl on Howard Stern show that did a cover of life on Mars I listened to that recently oh it's so beautiful what was her name and Howard was like talking during it but he also loves it whatever
Starting point is 01:15:40 yeah check out life on Mars Howard Stern cover and you'll find this girl Aurora is her name and it's so beautiful um let's move on there's a tiktok this is called tiktok cringe and i don't this is often tiktoks that are not cringy at all they're just cool this is a guy at disneyland and i don't know if you'll be it looks like it's in fast forward times four but this is a guy that's playing the piano at disneyland and he's a total savant. It says talented Disney piano player. Hold on.
Starting point is 01:16:09 I just want you to hear how fast this fucking is. And then at the end he gets even faster. Now listen to this. The lesson needs to bottle that up, boy. And then, but the end, he gets even faster. Now listen to this. The lesson needs to bottle that up, boy. It's watching. It is so incredible.
Starting point is 01:16:33 I, I just, you know, you watch things like that and you go, what am I even fucking doing with my life? And I know he's like a rain man type savant kind of kid. They're, they're just,
Starting point is 01:16:43 he just has to be, it's too wild. He's too young to be that fast and that good. This is from Rare Insults. It reminds me of the kids. I put the cups real quick. Oh yeah, the cup stacking kids. Is that talent paying off anymore? This is from Rare Insults.
Starting point is 01:16:58 Cup stacking kids, they open for bit by bees. In 2006. You guys guys can someone please make a lullapalooza 2027 2029 uh shirt and put bit by bees and what was the one i just said stacking cup kids stacking cup kids let's just start someone start compiling all the band names and i want to do a nikki glazer podcast lineup live at the lullapalooza yeah let's just start someone start compiling all the band names and I want to do a Nikki Glaser podcast lineup
Starting point is 01:17:26 live at the Lollapalooza yeah let's like interview different bands and honestly you can take other things from our show that have been like
Starting point is 01:17:32 inside jokes and make them into band names and it would be really funny to do like a tour shirt Hamdrip is fucking oh Hamdrip pretty good name for a fucking yeah
Starting point is 01:17:40 well they're headlining the EDM tent well it's three sisters that have drippy vaginas okay so a Heim drip Heim so this is from rare insults subreddit
Starting point is 01:17:54 this is just like funny I like this because it's very specific things which obviously are the best jokes so the headline is this is probably the first time I've seen someone take a shot at a letter so this is someone from Twitter I don the first time I've seen someone take a shot at a letter so this is someone from Twitter I don't know why they x'd out their name but it's a screenshot of Twitter and it says Q is too high up in the alphabet I respect it but it has no place between
Starting point is 01:18:15 P and R should be at the end with the weirdo goth letters calling the end of the alphabet weirdo goth letters like XYZ is so funny to me. I loved it so much. I do too. I like that. I could see Q by it. It does make sense. Okay. This was.
Starting point is 01:18:37 I think what other letters belong at the end. So this was from Suspiciously Specific. And this is an excerpt. It's a picture of a book. And it's from a book called The Manual de Civilité pour les Petites Filles à l'usage des maisons d'éducation book by Pierre-Louis.
Starting point is 01:19:02 And I don't know when it was written, but it seems probably and what that translates to is the young girls handbook of good manners and it was probably from back in the day in France and you can hear it from the way it's written it says never ask a gentleman do you need a
Starting point is 01:19:18 suck that is how little sweet walkers that is how little street walkers express themselves say in a low voice and in his ear would would you like my mouth? If he is a gentleman whom you have not previously sucked, and the title of this chapter is sucking. If he is a gentleman whom you have not previously sucked, do not start in by skillfully licking up and down his prick and behind his balls. He would form a bad opinion as to your past. Take his prick into your mouth modestly,
Starting point is 01:19:45 lowering your eyes. Suck slowly. Spread your jaws apart so as to not bite and clench your lips so as to not drool. When the gentleman is about to come, do not interrupt yourself to ask him how his mother is doing, even if you had forgotten to do so before.
Starting point is 01:20:01 When he ejaculates, silently swallow it all to the very last drop and then say something nice about the taste of the liquor you just drank first of all they ain't wrong i mean that turned me on a lot right yeah i do i feel like language like shakespeare and shit was just a way to you know say pound put you know whatever like songs back back in the day like we're about sex like but like words like this it's just so funny to just they're trying to hide the raunchiness of that humans are animals yeah and the guy that wrote that was so fucking turned on when he wrote he was such a perv
Starting point is 01:20:37 we gotta get to the final thought um this is one of the sweetest things ever this is from the i've seen this before and i wanted to share it i don't know if it's going to translate to audio. I apologize if it doesn't. This is from the subreddit hole up, which means like, hold up. H O L up is the subreddit. It's great one to check out.
Starting point is 01:20:57 And it's things that like you're watching them to the end. You're like, wait, what? And there's always a twist. So this is, I think like a, um psa kind of thing that ran yeah but it the audio i think will suffice this ran and it's 55 seconds long so
Starting point is 01:21:14 stay in there with me it's um it ran i think in like europe somewhere or in the in the uk i don't remember which because i forget what their accent is like. So it's a pregnant woman in her probably late 30s, looks like 40, at a bus stop. And there's an old man sitting next to her about three feet away. There's a chair between them, her purse is on it, and then there's this old man. That's just a 22-year-old without Botox, Nikki. Oh, sorry. Yeah, this is from the 90s. You're so right.
Starting point is 01:21:43 Nice ham drip. Okay. Are you all right? Yeah yeah how far along are you well i was just wondering how long sorry 21 weeks on tuesday not long to go that's easy say you're finding it tough you must be excited i'm scared of what everything i'm sure you'll be fine people say that but what if i'm not you'll manage everybody does do they what about your family it's complicated you don't get on you don't get along me and my dad and he's sick it'll be okay come on this is us dad come on the whole time it was her dad and he has alzheimer's isn't that sweet that is sweet he's just like i love the idea of like she's she seems like she's just like over this man talking to her
Starting point is 01:22:55 and like just the way you would be if an old man started talking to you and you're pregnant and you're just like oh and you're like she's but then she gets vulnerable she's like i'm worried he's like it's gonna be okay and she's like you know any context you put that, she's, but then she gets vulnerable. She's like, I'm worried. He's like, it's going to be okay. And she's like, you know, any context you put that in, it's like, what do you know? Fucking old timers dad that is giving me that I have to like change your fucking diaper now and you don't even know who I am or old man who doesn't even know who I am. Like, what do you know? And he's like, what about your family?
Starting point is 01:23:19 She says, just me and my dad. And then him being like, it's going to be okay. And then the bus pulls up and she's like, come on, dad. Like it's such, whoever thought of that is brilliant. It is such a sweet twist. I loved it so much. Isn't it sweet? No, I do like it.
Starting point is 01:23:35 So you can find that if you want to look at it up and see it for yourself, because it's a great video. You just search within the subreddit, hole up, H-O-L-U-P. And it's what a sweet man. And then they try to do an ellipses, like dot, dot, dot, but they use five, dot, dot, dot, dot, wait, dot, dot, dot, holeup, dot, dot, dot. So that's how you can search for it. Fuck that deadbeat dad, too, that left her. Piece of shit.
Starting point is 01:24:00 I want to share one more thing. This is in Too Afraid to Ask. Okay. Okay. I want to share one more thing This isn't too afraid to ask Okay Okay How do orgies end? This person asks Like everyone cuddles for a while Or each person walks out of the room awkwardly
Starting point is 01:24:14 After they've had enough Great question I thought How do you guys think orgies end? I mean I've seen an orgy And it ends when people come And then they just leave But I think sometimes I mean I'm sure at times people come and then they just leave but but i think sometimes i mean i'm sure at times people come and then just wait around for the end for other people sex ends and i'm
Starting point is 01:24:30 just like all right let's go watch tv or like like you just kind of like lay in it for a second and sometimes you're like i want to talk about it but sometimes you're just like all right so everyone kind of does their own thing like almost like the way after a game ends but like well i think it depends i think when does everyone come is it a pickup game because a pickup game you don't really know the people everyone gets together and then you just leave separately when the game's over if it's a orgy that's happened multiple times with the same partners then yeah then you do those things then you hang out after and get pizza yeah this is broski 225 says it kind of depends but usually a bit of both based on what you know do you um some people will have other things to do that
Starting point is 01:25:11 night like you said or in the morning so they'll leave when they're done but some people may stay all night and cuddle etc also depends on the venue but usually there's a hotel room someone else said um uh let me get to the next one sorry uh um good game good game good game good game they all like walking around uh orange slices uh a sudden and capri suns a sudden realization that you work with half of these people someone said cheer on the last people still going like it's the grand national that's funny when i was in college i had a job delivering pizza for a while i once delivered a pizza to a hotel room inside Inside were two couples in their 50s, men in boxers, ladies in bras and panties. So it appears that some orgies end with pizza, and I'm good with that.
Starting point is 01:25:51 Or maybe the party just started. Where are you going? I have to return some videotapes. Maybe the AC wasn't working. I don't know what that is. You know the scene from The Matrix 2 when Neo is fighting all the smiths in the courtyard and Neo just flies away and all the smiths look at each other and just shrug and walk away that or someone this is a here's a tribute to bob saget typically someone says and we call ourselves the aristocrats and
Starting point is 01:26:17 everyone laughs and goes home if you haven't seen the aristocrats it was popular in like 2005 four or five i'm gonna say four it was documentary that came out and it's a filthy joke and there's It was popular in 2005, 4, 5. I'm going to say 4. It was a documentary that came out, and it's a filthy joke, and there's a documentary, and Bob Saget's all over it. John Mayer had a great post about Bob. Did you see it? Yeah, let me read it. Maybe read that on the way to go. Yeah, there were some really great tributes to Bob that I really loved.
Starting point is 01:26:43 I loved – someone said no one ever said a bad thing about Bob Saget except his best friends. Oh, I saw that. That was so funny. I forgot who said that. It was a really good... It was a funny person. John made a white post that just... It was a blank white. I like the next one. I know, but his first one said,
Starting point is 01:27:01 I love you, Bob. I will never forget you. I will visit you often in my memories, and I hope I get to see you in my dreams i will tell my kids about you i'm taking you with me forever this i realized john mayer wants kids didn't know that um and then these are pictures of him and bob and by the way as someone who was friends with bob saget bob fucking loved john mayer like a son he talked about him so glowingly he chapelle and john mayer were the two people that he talked about and he was very defensive of and very just he just thinks he like a father talked about them more so john because i think uh john obviously is younger than um chapelle and like but he took about chapelle is like a brother and john like a son like he fucking loved
Starting point is 01:27:44 john mayer it was really sweet i think we're gonna find out that john mayer is only like two months younger than i mean i think so but there's just something maybe john needs a dad more than yeah no i get it my brother bob he's calling my brother my brother bob was a force of nature a big this is john mayer a big tall love monster who would hug me and rest his head on my shoulder that is that's fucking bob saget for you his love for the i just have to say this caption made me feel like i knew him really well because i i just knew all this this is so true his love for those around him was always accounted for he was deep and wide and vast and he would probably have made a joke about me saying
Starting point is 01:28:21 deep and wide because our listeners know Bob Saget could not let a sex joke like any he would comment on any little thing that was like sexual it's so funny the man had range I've met many people in my life but when Bob crossed my path I just held on to him and I wasn't letting go I knew he was the realest thing I would like you to know that the man you hope was as awesome as you think was way beyond what you can ever imagine he was impossibly kind and generous and loving and i have more to say so please let me just do like one more of these okay it's just the way it's gonna be um and yeah so i look forward to the next one from him but yeah i just i feel like i didn't do a good enough job in saying the things i wanted to say about bob last night but like there's a part of me that feels like, you know, I was reading all these posts.
Starting point is 01:29:11 Ryan Stout, I want to read his as well. Ryan Stout is a friend of mine who is a really hilarious comedian. And one of, you know, one of the people I kind of started, I would say we were in the same class. We started around the same time, around the same age. Dated briefly. Ryan Stout said, My first experiences touring theaters was opening for Bob. All of the fanciest Hollywood homes I ever stepped foot in were because I was with Bob.
Starting point is 01:29:35 My general understanding of how to navigate comedy, show business, and celebrity was developed with Bob's mentorship. He was so excited to share and elevate the lives of those around him. On dozens of occasions, I heard him say the words, I just want people to be happy. But here's the thing that really gets me. Every year he called me on my birthday and I wasn't the only one. He called a lot of people on their birthday.
Starting point is 01:29:57 He must've been reaching out to multiple people every day. He had so many friends and he made sure to check in on all of them, which is such a gift because now in his passing, his memory is a bridge that allows so many of us to check in on all of them which is such a gift because now in his passing his memory is a bridge that allows so many of us to check in with each other i'm not in the habit of taking pictures with people but over the years i happen to collect a few with bob uh the blurry one is from our first show together i ended up opening for bob a few times that last year and quite frankly it was my first year or that year it was my first year in los angeles
Starting point is 01:30:21 and i wouldn't have survived it without him. Love you, Bobby. So many people felt the same way that I felt about Bob and felt loved by him and just this fatherly thing that I don't know. I keep thinking of people that I'm just as close as I was to Bob to and if they died,
Starting point is 01:30:43 would I have the same reaction? I think so, but there's something else about bob that was there was even though it was just deeper there was something so um you know i said it yesterday i just felt like he loved me and would have done he would have dropped anything to be there for me in fact he kind of did like when i would having all those cameras around me for a while he did a couple face times with me we had to like reshoot them and he was always available always cool about it stayed on the phone with me way longer than he needed to yeah and i'm so glad because i have these two face times with him that you're gonna
Starting point is 01:31:19 see in the thing that eventually comes out with the cameras around me where Bob is giving me advice and we're cracking up together. And Bob was the one that was like, do you want to screenshot this conversation so that you can use it as footage? And we were already shooting it with a camera on the side. And I thought,
Starting point is 01:31:37 and they were like, no, you don't need to. But because Bob said that I started screenshotting it and now I'm able to, I probably wouldn't have the footage of that ever. But now I have the footage of me having these like great conversations with him and um my buddy opened brendan air yeah was on our you up yeah he opened for bob that's the first time i ever met bob zaget i went and watched brendan open for him at westbury and long island and ari came too actually so we both got to meet bob saget and I remember we were like so nervous because we were still like probably three or four years in and uh Brendan's mom came
Starting point is 01:32:10 to one of the shows and he actually writes about it in his thing but Bob made sure the meet and greet didn't start before Brendan's mom came back to meet him and like tell him how great her son is and made sure to like no hold off everyone like i'm gonna like make this special for your family and stuff i don't know it was just like a little thing that he didn't have to do yeah that made him think outside himself in that moment and he i remember ari was leaving early because there were like two shows or whatever to go do some shitty gig in like a shitty bar r actually wrote me and bob was just giving him so much shit he's like why would you go and do a show for three people not listening when you could hang out here with us and have a
Starting point is 01:32:56 good time yes giving like shit and we like i don't know it's just a memory i love like the first time like meeting him and like just like it just shows though like so many fucking huge comedians wouldn't fucking take time to meet your mom like to even think thought he was cooler than anyone he never he was and he's friends with fucking everyone every famous person knows bob saget and loved him and um and he was nice to everyone to everyone and I'm really wanting to get a sweatshirt made with Bob Saget on it I don't know why is that cheesy like a cool old-timey like you know America's Funniest Home Videos like just his you know like cool sweatshirts like the one Emil made of his dad like I really want a Bob Saget sweatshirt because I just want
Starting point is 01:33:41 to like I want people to go I like your sweatshirt and be like let's just talk about Bob not so I can brag about being friends with him just to be like I just want to I want to talk he has one of those faces the more photos I see it's just like a and that's why he was Danny Tan that's why he became he's just like and he aged so handsomely yeah like he was he was boyish in the beginning big i like a big softy he was such a softy yeah um i'm so glad the world that everyone that listened to the podcast so many of our besties like reached out to me and so many people i don't know why this was so heartening to me and it's kind of a brag i probably got we have to wrap i probably got upwards of 50 and that is not exaggeration people saying
Starting point is 01:34:26 you were the first person i thought of when i heard bob second died and for some reason that makes me feel so fucking good because i'm not crazy and thinking that he meant a lot to me because i think that you know i think the people he's closest with probably didn't know how special our relationship was that's the thing that bothers me is that like you know when harris whittles died harris and i like had a secret relationship i would always sneak in through the back of his door to like hook up with him like we just didn't i never was out with him in public we would always like talk on aim and then i'd go over late at night and i'd leave and so when he died there was no one to like validate like when i was really sad
Starting point is 01:35:04 his front like showing up his funeral people would have been like did you even know him it's like fuck we we just had this and not that bob second i had a friendship we actually had a friendship mostly on air but um you just i don't know what it is where you just don't feel justified yeah um but i do and i i'm a song is coming out about him pretty soon and i'm'm going to try to put it on Spotify and everything, and you can listen to it. And it's a great song that I did not write, but I wrote the lyrics to.
Starting point is 01:35:30 I'll talk to Trevor, too, about Bit By Bees, maybe not doing a cover, but letting it out for you. Yeah, I mean, I would love him to do the bass track on it. Yeah, he'll lay it down. Yeah, Song For Bob is what I called it. He'll probably charge you $7,000. Thank you so much for this extended episode that went a little bit longer.
Starting point is 01:35:44 Love you guys so much. Don't be cut. We'll be here tomorrow. I'll have a beast on your face. And jackhammer. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your
Starting point is 01:36:13 personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors,
Starting point is 01:36:46 it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join the conversation.
Starting point is 01:37:34 Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast. And now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to mini questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
Starting point is 01:38:11 or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. You are cordially invited to the hottest party in professional sports.'m tisha allen former golf professional and the host of welcome to the party your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf featuring interviews with top players on tour tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club welcome to the party with tisha allen is an iheart women Woman sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app,
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