The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #166 I Yolked

Episode Date: January 27, 2022

Nikki was on a mission this morning to give women a comparable phrase to "I nutted". After some deliberation her and Andrew come up with "yolking". Nikki is much less confused about doors in Mexico and explains why. She also shows Andrew some sexy Disney subliminal messages. Andrew decided to squash the negative travel anxiety voice in his head and hit the golf course this morning. You Heard It Here First, video conferencing causes face fatigue so here are some tips to working the camera from Nikki, a UTI to end singledom and celebrity social pressures. After spreading lots of positive messages they turn to Barstool's Answer The Internet game to negate them. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Here's Nikki. Hey, everyone. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast Here's Nikki Hey everyone It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast Hola Hola, como estas? De nada Andrew's loving saying de nada up in this bitch I've been saying a lot of de nada Oh yeah, I mean he throws out de nadas

And he really gets it Give us your best de nada Just say gracias Gracias De nada Oh man You don't want to lean in too hard He really gets it. Give us your best de nada. Just say gracias. Gracias. De nada. Ooh, man. You don't want to lean in too hard. Today you brought a de nada that was so, I mean, I know nothing about the Spanish language,

but I was convinced you were a local. Yeah, I grew up in Florida, so it's close to South Florida, so I still don't know any Spanish. And if you just kind of mumble it anyway. I grew up, but you know. Oh, you just kind of mumble it anyway. I grew up, you know. Oh, you know, I took Spanish for six years in college, so I know nothing. So, you know, I pretty much know how to ask to go to the bathroom. My other thing is I go mucho gusto,

which means like much pleasure, like very pleasure. Well, I only know that from mucho gusto. Me amo Bradley. I'm hornier than Ron Jeremy. Andrew did point out a great thing about me being in a foreign land is that I always had confusion about doors because it says push or pull. And I only read the first half of things, as you guys know, books, signs. And so I always just read puh.

And I don't know if it's saying push or pull, and I usually just fuck it up, you know. But in Spanish, it's jale, which I'm saying that wrong. It's jail. Or it's the other one. J is with a, sounds like an H. Jale, yes. Jale.

And then the other one's like emperor, emperor. Yeah, emperor. It's very different. It's either emperor or jail. And I think we said that other one wrong. And Andrew goes, now. Halle. And then the other one's like emperor, emperor. Yeah, emperor. It's very different. It's either emperor or jail. And I think we said that other one wrong. And Andrew goes, now you'll know. And I go, oh, yeah, now it's even more confusing because I don't know what those words even mean. It is tough when you're with your boyfriend and you say push out.

Yeah, I hate when I tell him to push out. And he just comes all in you. That's so funny. We were also talking today about how um andrew captioned a video yesterday of him the one that i posted on our uh the nikki glaser pod social um he posted on his personal one he wrote a cap what was the caption again i said uh when you nut so the joke was based off of when you nut and she keeps sucking okay so which i don't know that i guess i've seen it a couple times but guys do videos where they're like, ooh, they're making a face.

Also, I hate that. I hate, like when I nut, I don't want to keep sucking. No, that's why, that's the point of it. Oh. They're saying like, it's like, don't do this, it's too sensitive. It is too much. Yeah. Yeah.

No one likes that. You thought you were the only one? You were misreading those videos? Yeah. So that was the point of those. So he does the dance and he wrote, and he was making a joke off of when you nut and she keeps sucking i go when you nut and then she makes you coffee and then you have a nice emotional conversation while staring at each other in the eyes yes and i was like um you know he said some i forget how we got on the i was like oh i want to start oh he did he

was just saying what saying you nut is the funniest thing. Yeah. Is this the dumbest thing? Just be like, I nutted. It's the dicker down guy. Like, oh, I nutted hard after I dicked her down. Yeah. I mean, it's pretty cool. I don't know who the dicker down guy is. Or just a guy who says that, you mean? It's my step uncle, Bobby.

Is it? What's his name? You want to know a funny story? Yeah, I do. So my stepsister was married to this guy bobby and bobby wrote on facebook that she hasn't come home all night and that he thinks he's cheating on her and she came home with a hickey he wrote this on facebook no when was this uh years ago about a probably like two years ago okay she's with a guy now with a mullet who has a Mustang whose lights never go off.

What? Like the front lights never turn off. They're always pink. The battery's not dying. He's awesome. I got to send you a photo. It's got a separate generator or something. Okay.

I leave my overhead light on in my cars. I got to jump it. This guy was like fucking delivered in a fucking tub of Jim Beam. Like he's such a badass. So I figured that one out yeah so um so then she some guy writes on his thing and he goes hey man you know what you got to do you just got to dick her down real good and like that'll keep her that'll keep her from getting a hickey he got to dick her down and it's just like i don't know it's pretty cool so that was that was one of the comments on the post and so he left her right yeah was this his girlfriend or his wife i don't know if they

ever got married and did you find out about it because you just naturally saw it or was the whole family like dude go on facebook right now shit's going down pretty much that okay i was gonna say that is so hilarious to air something like you know when you get it's almost like i don't want to compare it to the taylor swift thing that we covered yesterday but her sending off that tweet in response to that guy was such a knee-jerk thing yeah i know she did that and she was with someone who was like do it do it she was in a place where her team wasn't i mean it was a good move for her yeah pr wise same with bobby but yeah bob Bobby's PR team wasn't around at the time. You mean the other mechanic?

I could almost guarantee you what the situation was where Taylor sent off those tweets. And I think that especially the follow-up one where she's like, and by the way, I wrote this tweet all by myself. It was just, she pitched it. I've been in that position so many times. I think that those moments where you put something out there where you're when you're in a state of anger when you're in a state of like high emotion get your phone away from me get away from all it's like when i'm

on go nuts i'm used to take go nuts get it out but when i used to take ambient like the first i remember my friend lent me some Ambien because I was going through a really hard time and I had taping the next day and I wasn't sleeping and I remember I put all of I put my phone in the other room I turned it off I used the actual alarm clock in the hotel room like on the nightstand because I was like I don't want to I don't want to have a Roseanne moment you know or like yeah just put out something really weird and then I ended up being prescribed Ambien for a while and i remember i never had an issue with it i may have said this on the podcast except one morning i woke up and i had overnight on my instagram story because i

checked my story the next day late in the day just you know when you review your own story and you go god i'm so interesting what are people saying of? You know when you look at your own story and you're like, what am I putting out? How am I perceived? God, I'm so cool. Most of the time I'm just like, God, you're lame. But I look and I go, who fucking hijacked my story? What is this? And it was me promoting Tom Papa's special,

which I had not seen, and saying how funny it was, which I guarantee you is funny. But Tom Papa, it's just such a weird thing to do on ambient it should be on one of the side effects you may promote tom papa you might get papa yeah special don't papa in ambient you may um yeah give a a quote for him to put on his next book or something yeah you're like fun for the whole family you just start writing like isn't like uh arrested development great and it's like what that was 10 years ago i was just friendly but i was still lying you know because

i hadn't seen it and i phrased it in a way like i had seen it which i don't usually do if there's a new special i'll be like i can't wait to watch this which a lot of times i won't even watch it but it is true i can't wait is actually a lie i'm always when people say i can't wait i'm always like yes you can because you have to, it's not coming out till the 27th or whatever. I, what are you going to kill yourself because you can't, you just can't wait.

You can. I took every time I would take Ambien though. Like I feel like it puts so much pressure on you to go to sleep. It's like when I take a Xanax, I'm like, it's time to relax. Well, you have to go to that.

I know. You have to take it when you're ready to go to sleep. I know, but I don't do that. I don't, I don't do it. So it'll put them to sleep, but it has to be like when you're ready to close your sleep. I know, but it puts... People don't do that. I don't. I don't, like... People do it so it'll put them to sleep, but it has to be, like,

when you're ready to close your eyes and make a concerted effort to do it. Yeah. Which, if you're not willing to do that, what are you doing anyway? I don't know. You're not even trying to... That's your problem.

If you can't get to a place where you close your eyes in bed and you just try to sleep, then you don't deserve Ambien because you're not even trying in the first place. So your whole thing of I can't sleep is like... And I'm not saying people who need Ambien because you don't, you're not even trying in the first place. So your whole thing of, I can't sleep is like, and I'm not saying people who need Ambien, you know,

do it. I mean, it helped me a lot for a while. Um, but I wanted to say the thing about nutting. Yes. That we came up with. Oh yeah.

So you said you want to take it back. I want to start saying, cause I say jack off and jerk off for masturbating. And it's become such a, like just, I use it and people always laugh and I forget that it's not something women say. Like I'm going to go jerk off for masturbating. And it's become such a, like just, I use it and people always laugh and I forget that it's not something women say. Like I'm going to go jerk off,

but it just, to me is just natural now. But at first it was funny, you know? And I want to start saying nut, but Andrew, and I was like, why can't women say nut?

Because we come to like, I'm going to nut. And he was like, well, you don't have nuts. And I was like, wait, oh yeah,

we don't have balls. And actually not probably comes from the fact that the seed is in the nut, which the seed is sperm. And we have an egg. And I was thinking what's inside an egg that we can be like that we, and so we're calling it yoking. I yoked. Or would it be called egg?

I egged. I egged him. No, because you don't put eggs. You don't put like it's almost like the casing that the um the the yolk actually is the egg and then the egg whiting the egg white is the stuff is maybe the more the cum i agree with you when you said it but now it comes out it does it looks exactly like the yolks i know but i'm just thinking now that... I just think yoking is fine. The nut is the balls.

Right. So the egg would be the nut. So then... We don't know enough about women's anatomy or anyone's anatomy to talk about this. I do know about the maybe first couple episodes of the first season. I never watched it. I can't believe that show has been on for like 43 seasons.

Still on? Oh, yeah. I think so. Yeah, who knows i uh i think that's gonna be like cockroaches where it's like the world will like there's be an apocalypse and the only thing that exists is like a tv that's still playing gray's anatomy and it's we don't know how they're making it and then also cockroaches i yoked and now and he's still wait no it goes it goes i nutted it when you nut and she she keeps sucking yeah so it's when i yoke and he keeps licking yeah or eating oh eating ew eating

is so gross why does eating pussy sound so nasty i don't know can i play something that i just found that i love um we were talking about um oh so i had to restart my computer today and i was talking about how why does that fix everything which it truly did I couldn't connect to the internet I restarted my computer boom you said it was a lot like blowing into the game disc or hitting your Nintendo or

I hit my remote control on my head yeah if we have millennials or like Gen Z's listening you might see this often as a meme but like on Super Nintendo you would take out the games and you go like it's so but it would work and it was kind of fun that it worked did you play super nintendo noah yeah of course and you would also like put the the cartridge in like so it clicks a little bit and like pops in um i don't remember that one necessarily but i remember you know how the purple

buttons that you slide to turn on? If you did them both, it would like restart the system. Do you remember Game Genie? Yes. Game Genie was insane. Do you remember Duck Hunt with the gun? Yeah, but Game Genie,

let me just take you through what that was. You would have a Nintendo game that you would put into the system. If you got Game Genie, which my cousin JD did, rest in peace. He died from Game Genie. He just couldn't stop playing Nintendo. So you would put the

Nintendo game into the Game Genie. It was like a separate cartridge that it would fit in and then you put the Game Genie into the thing and Game Genie would unlock everything that you would need to do. It would make you have all the powers and all the things that you needed in the game it was insane it would just

like it was like i don't i don't remember ever being as excited about something as i was game genie because like the bumper pads of bowling yes yes it was awesome and that's just cheating i loved super nintendo can i Yeah, what was your favorite game? Aladdin? Mario Kart. Super Mario Brothers 2. Did you like Mario Kart because you played with dudes?

I didn't like that little raccoon tail. What? Did you play with dudes a lot? No, I just played with my cousin JD. Donkey Kong Country. Holy shit, Donkey Kong. Oh, yeah? Who's your favorite Mario Kart guy?

Oh, Yoshi. It was the fastest. And then I loved, I mean, Aladdin, though, was a fucking sick game. And sometimes I will just pull up old YouTube clips of the Aladdin game. If there's any besties out there who played Aladdin for NES, Super Nintendo, please reach out to me because that was fucking great. You rode a red carpet. There were stars.

There was like a cobra that, you know when Jafar turns into a cobra in the sand in aladdin did you ever see aladdin i did it was a long time ago take off your clothes do you remember that part no so you know and you know and yes all good all good all good girl all good women what was it um i don't remember i just remember all good teenagers take off your clothes yeah yeah okay so in you know in Disney movies, there's like all those things, those little secret pornographic things that they snuck in. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Yes, I do, yeah. So name some of them. There'll be a penis in the clouds or whatever. Well, you know, the first one was a Little Mermaid, or one of the first ones. I don't know the whole track record. Little Mermaid had a penis in the cover of it on the cassette or in the cover of it on the

cassette or on the you know dvd vhs there is a penis in um his castle like one of the one of the towers one of the minarets i only know that word from a dave matthews song yeah for sure and then um and then also in uh little mermaid which is one of the most egregious ones that they did they're the priest at the end when ursula is the brunette and she's getting married and she's walking towards prince eric to marry him she kicks the dog she's walking down the aisle and she kicks the dog and he's like and um prince eric is just like spinny eye, like hypnotized because that's why he's marrying her. And she walks up and the priest is like, welcome to the marriage of. And he has a boner.

He has an active boner that comes up and then like kind of wrestles around and then goes down. And then I think the animators said, oh, Noah's found it. There we go. Look. Oh, yeah. Some would think that's. What? It moves. I mean, his nose is more of a boner than his dick yeah i mean it's insane that would that really as a kid when you would have to rewind and like it wasn't just you know toggling it was it was actually you know what i love about these things is that like it was back in the day it it wasn't easy to illustrate.

So that was multiple. That took a lot of thought. Well, think how bored those guys are. Yeah, that's true. I just heard a thing on Chris's show. They do a thing called Tuesday Tidbits where they just kind of say like, it's almost like the Reddit stuff I use sometimes

where it's just like, here's a little fact that you didn't know. Animators don't put have their um characters often have three fingers and a thumb like four fingers because they don't want to draw because it's just like it's just laziness and it saves money because it would take more time to have more fingers which i thought was interesting but um i love that they threw an extra finger in that guy's pants and an extra dick on his face um okay i think like uh

can i keep going through all those yeah yeah yeah what were you gonna say no no go ahead go ahead so then let's go to the next uh thing breathing the beast i don't remember any being in beauty and the beast aladdin we have which no one knows very well she knew right away as i said it jasmine is on the balcony um her tiger pet tiger is uh oh aladdin comes to the balcony. Her tiger, pet tiger is, oh, Aladdin comes to the balcony and the tiger is just like, I'm sniffing this guy out being like, who is he? And he kind of goes up to him

and Aladdin's going like, who, hey, yeah, yeah. He's like kind of backed up, almost falling off the balcony because the tiger's like trying to like growl at him. And he's like, oh, calm down. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, kitty. And he goes, all good teenagers take off their clothes.

And it's just a very- All teenagers take off- All good teenagers take off their clothes. Oh my God. a very- All teenagers take off- All good teenagers take off their clothes. Oh my God. Good teenagers. However- The tiger said that? I don't think, I think it's just misheard.

And once you listen, it's one of those things of like- Is it some teenagers? No, it's all good teenagers take off their clothes. No, no, I know. I just think that'd be funny. But it's only 18 and up, 18 to 19. All good 18, just to keep it legal. And one 14 year old who I met like years ago before and they were

yeah um so there's that and then in lion king we have uh at one point simba as a teenager i believe falls down in like a hump like he's like tired and all this dust swirls up into the clouds and i think that's the one you're remembering where there's like a penis in the sky but it's the dust forms um a shape that says sex and no you can probably look up that image sex lion king uh dust and we can see that um and you can also go to our youtube page and watch our podcast live i guess it's like we're not live if you're an illustrator too and you're like just thinking about cartoons all the time you're probably like so in the need of like thinking about sex all day and you're just drawing like things that kids would like so then you're like

i'm gonna put sex in the sky yeah people instead of nutting you got a nut you got this is how they nut or yoke yeah this is their little secret for them do you see how it says sex i mean it's written on there that's not how they did it in the book. Oh, hilarious. That would be so funny if that went. Do you see it? It looks like it says sex. Yeah.

I mean, you know what? It could be a mistake. Now, let's keep going. Now, then we go to, there's another one from Lion King. If you look in the sky, you could just see a girl. Is it from Rafifi? It's from the poster. The poster has a thonged woman.

Oh, wow. Oh, my God. I see it perfectly now. So the Lion King's face. Oh, I thought that was Jesus' face. Now, you know what? Another thing I just heard yesterday on Chris's show as well is the Super Bowl logo this year. Pull it up, Noah.

The Super Bowl logo for this year, they tried to do a thing inside the logo that it looked like palm trees or something because it's in LA, I guess. Is that right? Maybe Miami. I don't know. I don't know.

But it looks like it's dripping blood. It is the worst graphic design I've ever seen. I saw something the other day where it's a robot reading a book inside the nose of a... What? Oh, like where you see things and that's what everyone's seeing? No, like it's pretty...

Inside the Chicago Bull. If you pull up the Chicago Bull's logo, you can see a robot reading a book. If I was good at Photoshop, it'd be so funny to just put the the most hardcore porn in the corner of like uh the simpsons or or like duck tales and be like do you guys see this and it's just like the most like egregious human fucking you'll ever see in the top corner that's really funny there that one oh let's see yeah that's disgusting isn't? Yeah. That looks like they're like CTE inside their heads. Oh my God. That's what that looks like.

I want to share with you a thing that I saw because I often see things in, like I see dicks sometimes in things or just different shapes in things. This is one I found. I'm going to send it to you, Noah. I remember I was so depressed. I was in Omaha. I was on the road with, I guess, Greg Warren and Tim Convey. They were all driving to Omaha. Oh, yeah.

Well, let's take a break. Let's take a break, and we'll come back with the dick that I found, and Noah will put it up on the thing. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from Jon and the

team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome back to the show. We're about to show a penis that I

found in a hair dryer cord. I was sitting on the toilet in a hotel room in Omaha. I was so fucking depressed this weekend. And I look up and my hair dryer cord has taken the shape of a bent penis and it has balls and

everything. Get ready for this. Wait. Okay. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Right.

That looks like iron work. It looks like the guy that draws without picking his pencil up that you put on the wall. Oh yeah. Oh my God. That's so what it looks like i like the balls have and the infinity sign too like there's so much coming there like it's forever it's endless so we're in mexico and um yesterday was our first day um like full day here we arrived the day before um andrew and i did the podcast we went to lunch we talked about the show that

we're going to be making which was really fun very excited to do that um and then we went our separate ways andrew i want to talk about what you did during your day and and since then i mean i you know i've heard stories about how this is like a golf mecca. And I brought my clubs and I'll make it short because I know everyone loves golf so much that listens to this. But yeah. So I found, I was just looking for a driving range and

I honestly didn't think I'd find somewhere that was like cheap and easy. I don't know why. Like every time I try, do you ever get this? You convince yourself anything you try to do is going to be either expensive or there's going to be some roadblock. Yeah.

And like, I do the same thing. And I can't, and I can't, like I get to a new city, even if it's a small town and I'm like, what do you do?

How do you get somewhere? I'm paralyzed. I'm paralyzed in a new city. it's like there's four people in the pro shop. Like no one's like, everyone's chill. Dude, I feel like this is so relatable. Everyone in my family keeps texting me being like, are you having such a pro shop like no one's like everyone's chill dude i feel like this

is so relatable everyone in my family keeps texting me being like are you having such a good time and i'm like i'm paralyzed here because i it's not because i'm like the culture's different and i'm scared it's just like any literally it is outside of the u.s i just feel like i am a bother to people because i'm american and I'm just like a dumb American. I feel like I don't, I'm just going to look stupid. I'm going to pull doors that say push. I'm going to, I just feel like I can't figure things out and I feel like everything's going to be more expensive.

I'm not going to have the right money. I'm not going to have the ID to do it. Like, I just feel like I literally am paralyzed here and I was thinking today, i have to make a yesterday i made a concert after to do something and it was so hard to not just stay in my room all day so you you had it in your mind it was going to be so difficult and that it was going to be so expensive i didn't have a car here until i saw jen our friend jen and she's like why don't because we were going to split a car but we're not staying in the same hotel yeah we're going to spill it yeah yeah and so then jen had car, and I was like, do you think I could use it? Well, your name's not on it.

Whatever. She ends up letting me use the car, which then kind of opened me up to being like. Oh, and then you're like, oh, God, now I have to. Yeah, well, yeah. But I also was like, if I had to Uber somewhere. For some reason, Uber in another country, you think they might kidnap me and murder me? Even though it's like, I put these thoughts on like or like it will take seven hours for them to show up like they're not gonna i'm not gonna have the right app it's not gonna do it or it's like yeah i mean honestly i

was saying to bill and you yesterday our friend i was like i'm i miss cayman so much and i felt the same way in cayman island i remember when we got out of quarantine you were like going to the gym you were going to the little grocery store across the street like little things and I was like what's it like out there I was just I needed someone to like hold my hand through it and then and then I ended up knowing that place so well that it felt like home and I'm missing it so much now because I just want what I know and I'm gonna feel that way I'm gonna force myself to get to that place with cabo yeah sooner i got i i'm i'm like so whatever so i go to this one golf range they don't have a driving range they just have like a practice facility and they're like well there's a driving range five minutes up this way i go up like this kind

of hill like kind of cliff driving up and it's like through model homes and whatever and i'm like god this place is gonna be so fucking expensive. And I get there. Why do I do this? And I'm like, I walk in and I'm like, what are they? And everyone's so chill. They're like, hey, let me carry your bags. Like, you know, like whatever. Like, like, just like so.

And so I end up, I get there at four and the driving range closes at four, which was a little sad, but it's $10 for an hour of unlimited balls. Yeah. And then $20 for balls all day long. They're open 7 to 4. And then I go to the guy. I was like, hey, you think I could get on only play 9? He's like, don't tell anybody, but I'll give you the special rate.

And I think he probably says that. Why did you only play 16? Because there was three foursomes that I skipped at the very end because I caught up to them because I was playing by myself. Wait, what? What did you just say? I don't speak golf. So four people are playing on one hold.

So four guys are playing together, so they take longer. Got it. And you caught up to them, and so you just skipped that hold. I just drove past them. Got it. Oh, I thought you joined their game. I shoot like a 42 on the front. What did you say, Noah?

I thought you joined their game. Like you were trying to catch up to them so you could play with them right see we don't speak golf so it was important for us to so anyways long story short so i get out i play 16 and then in the morning i woke up this morning i was like i don't know if i want it and then i go did you wake up 6 45 no way i am yeah i've been i'm like a new early morning riser. Wow. Is it because living with Brenna? Partly. And then I just, I don't know. For some reason, while I'm here, I really want to work on my shit and be more organized and really become good at it.

Because I have time right now. Yeah, you do. But if I wake up early enough, I have time. Absolutely. I was doing, man, I did the same thing yesterday of like i'm gonna be different here i'm gonna reset and i will say wait did you have so this morning you woke up and went and so i ate breakfast i had my breakfast i had my eggs with my fruit and then i drank coffee and i was like i'm just gonna work i was like no you know what drives the fucking

course it's only five minutes it's not like far. But like I go there and the sun is coming up over the fucking ocean. What a life. Yeah. I have shorts on. How lucky are we? It's the most. Dude, I put a video. We're getting paid to be here.

It's fucking wild. And I just hit balls for an hour. And then they have like a practice facility that's like on like this course is it's called Cup. I don't know if I want to say it because. No. But like. Yeah. Anyway, so like I got out there and i'm like really looking around and then i'm like okay i'm taking in the surroundings

and finally i don't know like it hit me like halfway hitting balls where i'm like you're you're fine you're home like not home but like just you can just breathe now. Chill out. All it takes is you got to do shit. You got to do shit. I felt that way. Like I always feel this way on vacation. I don't want to leave the resort. I'm too, especially out of like even in Hawaii, which feels like away from the U.S. Like and even in, you know, when we're on the road, I don't want to go out. Like it's just what I don't know scares me so much.

And I really am looking to like I I've, I mean, I always like to share when I'm just like not doing that well because people can always relate. But like, it's not like I've not been doing well, but I've just cannot sleep enough lately, which, you know, at some people go, Nikki, you work so hard. It's just your body catching up. I know enough about sleep that you don't catch up. It's like, I'm just a little bit depressed. Sleeping makes me, when I'm sleeping, I can't do work. And so it gives me an excuse that it's almost like putting my, my phone on airplane mode or like when I'm, it's the only time I'm not able to be in touch with someone. And I have a good excuse. I was sleeping,

even though it's like, you know, until three. But what time do you go to bed? But here's, you know, I get in bed at like 10. Sometimes I'm like, why isn't it later? You know, like I want, I'm seriously like, there's something going on where, and I stay up until like two, but I just. That's the thing though. I know, I know, I understand.

No, no, I'm not trying to like explain sleeping, but it's like go ahead no sorry is the sleep to turn your mind off or is it just so that you don't have to do the work that you kind of turn my mind off too it's for both because if if people aren't able to get in touch with me and i'm not having to you know i should be writing my book right now i have my agent you know writing me an email once a week being like, just checking in on how it's going. And then I have this woman that's helping me write my book. Hey, just checking in. And I know that they're only doing it once a week because they know that if they do it every day,

it's going to be annoying, but they're thinking about it every day probably. And so I have that, I have my special that I'm supposed to reviewing. And, uh, that would no matter how good I get at watching myself every time I finish my notes and I send off the next batch of notes and then they go we did your notes here's the new next version boy do I not want to watch it again and it just takes a whole nother thing so there's always something I think everyone can relate to this there's always something I could be doing that would be something that would be good for other people, whether it's calling my aunt back, who calls me all the time, my Aunt Sally, and I never call her back because she talks very slow,

and I got to focus. It'd be great if you could put her on two times live. Oh, my God. I mean, most people I wish I could do double the speed. But for her, I do quadruple. Yeah. Because she is, you know. And she'd still sound like this. We got to call Aunt Sally sometime on this show. She's the best. I do quadruple. Yeah. Because she is, you know. And she'd still sound like this.

We got to call Aunt Sally sometime on this show. She's the best. We do. I bet people miss her. I mean, I could call her today on the show. It would be awesome to do a final. Just to do something with her, because I really do need to call her back,

and I was thinking about, yesterday I was kind of riddled by anxiety about Bob dying and me being like, man, I got to reach out. There's so many people, if they died tomorrow, I would be so mad looking back at our text exchange of me not getting back to them and feeling like shit about it and like oh i only i never responded to that thing i never i forgot

i gotta write another song the other day i never forget people's my like you know my oh you didn't call her at all if if it's almost like phone. If you're a new friend, like Noah, I cannot tell you when your birthday is. I know around the time, but date-wise, I don't know when it is. Andrew, I know your birthday because I've lived with you. I know yours. But what is it? June 1st. Yes.

Also, Amy Schumer's. Yeah, and Marilyn Monroe's and Andy Griffith's. I have Conan O'Brien's birthday. That's so dope. Yeah, it's pretty dope. Noah, when's your birthday again? April 22nd. Oh, yeah, I wasn'til 22nd oh yeah it was so close to me april 22nd so you're a tourist you're the 18th yeah i'll never forget april 22nd again and i and i because i only know like my best friends

from high school because anything and because those are it's like phone numbers i remember their phone numbers but i don't know new phone numbers because they're just in my phone and just like birthdays they're just on do you still remember your home phone number like from what actual from how long ago from when you were a kid yeah um nine six five seven nine five nine and it's it's disconnected so you can call it all you want five six one eight seven nine no one cares it doesn't you can make up all you want. 561-879. No one cares. You can make up any number, and we'd be like, wow, cool.

0496. But the other day, it was my mom's birthday on the 22nd, and my mom, I had a fitting that day. I had to go try, I had a raging UTI. By the way, my UTI came back as soon as I finished my antibiotics, and I have an inkling about what it's about. Uh, I want to talk about that in a second, but my, I had a UTI that was like coming in and it just feels for me, UTIs are not burning, burning sensation that a lot of girls have. Mine is it burns when I pee, but it feels like good almost like I'm like, Oh, it feels like

you've been holding it in a while. It doesn't hurt. It's like a good pain that I like. It's the pressure in your lower abdomen. It feels like you're pregnant with angry sand that won't move. And then you also have to shit. And it feels like you have cold, hard cemented shit. Like I get, it's terrible.

It hurts so bad. The pressure was so bad and hurt on my stomach underwear the band on my underwear the loose band on my underwear was oppressive to me to wear and i just posted a picture last night of me on at supernova on stage and i'm so bloated and i had to wear all these tight jeans because it was the only thing i had it was so much pain and i just i couldn't sleep on my stomach because it just felt like I was pregnant. It felt awful.

So I was struggling with that and I had this fitting that I had to go to and try on all these bathing suits for F-Boy Island. And then I left and I got a text that my mom, I sent my mom Wordle. You know the game Wordle? You haven't heard of it? Do you know the thing that people are posting

where it's like those green squares and they have like a little score you haven't seen it i saw wordle but i didn't look into it wordle is the best game it's in an app of my life no you just just google wordle and it's a game that comes up it takes you two minutes to play it's only once a day you can't get addicted to it there's definitely apps now that have you know redone it yeah but it was this game this guy made for his wife and he worked for companies that you know he i he worked for facebook or something like that these companies where he knows what captures people's attention and he knows how to like take your time but he decided like i don't want to make a game that does that and it's just you guess a five every day it's a new five letter word and you make a guess and then these little squares pop up and if it's a if if the letter that you guessed is a yellow square

that means that letter is somewhere in the word but that's not where it is if it's a green if the if the letter in the five letter word that you guessed is green that means that letter is in that place no those are the hints oh so if it's green that means that letter is in that place. Is there a hint? No, those are the hints. Oh. So if it's green, that means, so let me guess, so what if I guess cream, okay, as a five-letter word,

and C is green. Yeah, but the third letter was yellow. And the E is yellow. I know that C, because it's green, is definitely this word starts with C, and then E is somewhere else in it, and then your keyboard lights up of words, and then if it's gray that means the that letter so each letter you find out if it's in it if it's in the right place if it's in it and it's not in the right place it's yellow if it's in it it's green and if it's

gray it's not in it and that's all you need to know and you guys it's so fun every night at 12 o'clock i wait for 12 o'clock to hit yeah and it only does your time zone so it's so fun. Every night at 12 o'clock, I wait for 12 o'clock to hit. Yeah. And it only does your time zone. So it's not like you do East Coast 12 o'clock. And it changes every day. And it's so fun. And I have connected with Chris and I. It's like Wheel of Fortune, but without any hints, kind of.

No, there's hints. It's like there is strategy in it. That's what makes it fun. But there's also luck involved. So anyway. RSTLN. What was I saying about Wordle? So you send your mom Wordle. I send-N. What was I saying about Wordle?

So you send your mom Wordle. I send my mom Wordle because I know my mom loves word games. And then my mom's like, I'll download it later. I have people over for my birthday. And I'm like, oh, fuck. You had to remind me. And I go, mom, I'm so sorry.

I completely forgot. I have a UTI. I have a fitting. And then I was smart though because I did go wild on Lululemon and sent her a bunch of presents like on the 7th i thought in advanced which i never send presents in advance and i then the next day is kirsten's birthday i know this 22nd and 23rd my whole life has been mom kirsten the next day i forget kirsten's fucking birthday and I it's the 24th before I realized oh my god and

let me say throughout the 23rd I did think of Kirsten's birthday but I was doing other things and I was like oh as soon as I get off this call I gotta make a video for Kirsten because I usually just send a video being like I love you so much so on the 24th I sent her a big text of like I love you so much and everything like that but man it's just not like me to, it's like me to forget buying people presents and not being good about shipping things and stuff like that. But in terms of reaching out to people via text, I just felt like a shitty friend.

And I've been sleeping, I slept till, Sunday was my first day off in forever, like really day off. I slept till 3 p.m. and I went to bed. I fell asleep at 10 p.m. I slept till 3 PM and I went to bed. I fell asleep at 10 PM. I slept 15 hours straight through because of this UTI. And let me just say, I was in so much pain from this UTI and felt so sick and like down that I thank God had a doctor that I could email and be like, can you give me antibiotics? And she was like, Hey, you haven't seen me since 2018. I'll send this one in one in but you need to check up like you need to like pick me at some point but she sent in the

prescription and she sent it in and i couldn't go get it because i couldn't move and it just made me think about people who are so sick and have to go get medicine and wait in line at cvs or go through the drive-thru and like thank god they let other people grab them for them now yeah but like what if you don't have someone else i know i would just honestly i would have just died from a kidney infection with how sick i was and how i couldn't move i and if i didn't have the money to send a friend or hire someone to go get for me i would have just died literally carlyle delivery like for but i would have died before i figured that out like before i Google how to get this. I'm not kidding you. Everything's so difficult.

That's why we kind of like being in Mexico where the pharmacy is like, you don't need a prescription. You just go and you're like, give me this. My mom's prescription for her disease, for COPD or emphysema, is in like, even if you were like the most organized person

and you were like 25 years old you would have a tough time cream like yeah like my my sister-in-law like bless her she went through each thing and like made it like so like organized but if like you're saying like these old people that are fucking dying, have to fill, figure out literally like 30 pills. Certain ones you take some mornings, some days you skip it.

It's fucking wild. You take every 10 hours on the diet. Yeah. What about, what about people that are depressed? You need a helper. Going to get meds. It's so hard.

And that's why telehealth, so many people told me about telehealth, where you just do online consultations with a doctor. And then if you need tests done, they send you to a testing clinic and you just go and it's why telehealth so many people told me about telehealth where you just do online consultations with the doctor and then if you need tests done they send you to a testing clinic and you just go and it's easy jen my um assistant slash you know couture manager she does that i mean there's gotta be an app right like there's gotta be an app that like there's a delivered doctors make home calls there's like places for that online little women days i this is yeah they bring over a little black bag and they put you in a store yeah yeah they fuck your mom i don't know why i think of the

doctor like fucking the mom probably because of forrest gump yes that's it but it wasn't a doctor it was the principal that's so funny i remember this is my favorite line of any movie he walks past forrest and forrest's in there he goes he's patting his head because he just fucked his mom and he's sweating he goes your mama sure does care about your education oh my god i remember that it's such a good line your mama sure does care about your education oh that was i remember feeling that was so disgusting i was so mad that sally field did that um even i as a child i remember like knowing like she ew she let his penis in her so um but i uh god we have so much to talk about um but i just want to say that carlisle went and got my prescription thank god for her and dropped it off at my hotel and she goes she called my room i was

asleep again and so she was like i don't know where your hotel room is i left at the front desk and i was down i i couldn't go down to the front desk i was like i just am gonna let this infection i'm probably gonna get a kidney infection because i can't move and then luckily the front desk called me and was like do you do you want us to bring this up you got a delivery and i'm like yes thank you but i'm not kidding you i almost said just leave it at the door because even walking to the door was hard I was such I was such an invalid and I'll tell you the second I took a fucking med the second I popped a pill in my mouth it went away now what that tells me is that yes antibiotics work but not that fast I was you let the pain take yeah it was definitely there was a placebo

effect in place because I knew the relief was on its way so i almost like got excited about it but then carlisle sent me the louise hay book the heal your body book that i bought but i didn't bring with me to la slash mexico and i whenever i have an ailment i i look it up in that book to see like what the mantra is or what it's about mentally because everything starts up here and she sent me the mantra and I put it on my Instagram story and it was um I loved it because it's so it's it's what it what it's um it's usually about being pissed off this is for um a UTI usually at the opposite sex or a lover blaming others and so my mantra is I release the pattern in my consciousness

that created this condition. I am willing to change. I love and approve of myself. And I was thinking, I've never been happier in a relationship. In this relationship, in the eight years him and I have been seeing each other off and on, I feel so secure.

I don't know what this could be. This is not about the opposite sex. I have no resentments to him that I can even conjure like all the ones that I used to have are like really worked out and I feel so good and I realized holy shit the first one UTI I got came on

on the day that I started feeling like oh my god this guy is like it for me like really it and then the second one came on, let's be honest, after that round of antibiotics, it came on again a couple of days later, but it came on literally the day

where I had a talk with him of like, we're doing this, like this is good. We both like love and care about each other and just feeling so safe about it. And I was like, I think this is my body because I've never had a UTI in my whole life.. And I was like, I think this is my body. Because I've never had a UTI in my whole life. And Anya was like, it's probably from sex, dude.

And like, you do anal. And I'm like, I've been doing that shit all the time. And I'm more hygienic now than ever. My diet hasn't changed. Nothing's changed. The only thing that's changed is I feel secure in my relationship for the first time in my life. And I think it's my body being like, girl, you're about to shut this down forever.

Like your vagina is like done seeing anything new. Not that I'm like craving new dick generally, but there's some anxiety about being done possibly in terms of like. Maybe it's telling you to not think about new dick. Like you have the dick you want. There's some anxiety going on in my puss. It's anxiety for sure. It's not like a good thing.

I'm saying maybe it could be a good thing. Like, your pussy's saying like, hey, we're good here. But why would it fire up like a fucking... Because maybe you're on vacation in Cabo and your pussy's like, don't even think about wandering. You have a good man. No, what's your thought? I said maybe it's your vagina's avoidant attached.'t even think about wandering you have a good man no what's your thought I said maybe it's your vagina's avoidant attached yes that's what I think my vagina is like

giving one last like we're scared to be done and we're scared to maybe have a baby soon or like think about having a baby or whatever that is which I'm not thinking about having a baby but when you do find someone that really makes you secure, your body starts like,

like maturing, I guess in a way. And I think my body is like fighting, having the last dying gasps, the death rattle of singleness, you know? And that's scary to me because I've never felt secure in a relationship where I'm like,

I've always kind of thought there'll be others because this is not perfect. And this is good for now. But right now, I feel like this is maybe good forever. And it's scary. So I think that's very, I'm not giving up. I'm not, I like the idea. Some people hate when things are psychosomatic because they're like, no, it's my back. I like when it's something mental

because it means I can treat it myself and it means that there's things going on. Like it's in my control, which I know it's not because there's no free will, but do you know what I'm saying? Like I like when things are psychosomatic. I don't want to, because Anya's like, no, dude, it's your hormones changing.

You're getting older, blah, blah, blah. There's poop on his penis. Yeah, there's poop like in your vagina. And I'm like, no, dude, it's your hormones changing. You're getting older, blah, blah, blah. There's poop on his penis. Yeah, there's poop in your vagina. And I'm like, no. But it could be both. Yeah, I mean, I'm willing to think that there's poop in my clit. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You probably got poop on your yoke.

Oh, we got to get to the news. Let's do it. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. All right, folks, we got some good stories here. It's Wednesday, so you know what that means. It is Wednesday.

I believe that's miércoles in Spanish. Maybe I'm wrong. It's mercredi in French. Oh, so yeah. So I'm probably right. Both hard to spell. Don't know where that ends. Why it's in there.

And Wednesday, yeah. Hope you're having all the swells. And yeah, so. What are you distracted by out there? What's going on out there? You looking over there? I don't know. Yeah, you're just looking.

I mean, it's a beautiful view. Even though you don't have a view, it's still beautiful. Yeah, there's nothing. It's a hill with, like, literally I'm in a basement of this resort. And they tried to dress it up by building, like, a hill with, I don't know what's beyond it. I'm going to go hiking today for about four feet and find out. Yeah, I mean, that's going to be a stretch for you. It's a weird cold tub outside.

I don't even know what it's supposed to be. It's a pool. I think Tony Robbins put it there. Yeah, it looks like one of those Wim Hof dunk tanks, but it's definitely not that. It should definitely be a hot tub. It should not be a cold tub. I don't know what's happening. And it's murky.

It's very bizarre. Okay, what's in the news? A study finds face... Oh, my gosh. Dissatisfaction? Dissatisfaction leads to exhaustion and burnout after video conferencing. So, in short, if you don't like the way your face looks, staring at it on a computer screen for long periods of time is psychologically exhausting.

Oh, yeah. Dude, it's... I mean, we're literally doing it right now. You know, this comes down to not liking your looks, which honestly, you're allowed to not like your looks, and you're not allowed to be like, man, I wish my face looked different. But if your face makes you disgusted, you got to work on that because it's,

it ain't going to get better. Um, and you got to accept yourself. You got to learn to accept yourself because there, I see my face all the fucking time and it was really difficult for me. Um, you know, when, I mean, it's always been difficult for me to watch myself or look at videos of myself or look at photos of myself right away. Later on, I can always be like, wow, you know,

you've changed since then, but like, if you're looking at, Oh, sorry, go ahead. Go ahead. No,

say if you're looking at your face right now, what would you, that's a good, that's a good question because now people on YouTube can, yeah, I know. That's what I'm thinking. I'm like,

look at my face. I really have no problem. You know what? I was thinking I'm going to regret not brushing out my string face. I really have no problem. You know what I was thinking? I'm going to regret not brushing out my stringiness. I kind of have like an Iggy Pop thing going. But in terms of my face, like I'm very happy. Let me be honest.

I did have filler recently. So I had my under eyes filled here. And so I had my lips injected. My lips look a little bit like platypus in a way. But I actually like it. The thing that bothers me about my face the most, if I'm going to nitpick, is there's a lot of things.

There's just a lot of space here. And it can look like just so, I want it to be more like, but you know what? I also, and my eyebrows sometimes look like sperms and that bugs me. But I promise you right now, some reason I just when it's

just my face and it's in the moment and I can see it like this there's nothing that really bothers me about it I'm like I'm fine the way I am it's not the best face but I'm good with it now if I see this later I'll go what the fuck were you thinking with that but it's okay because it will be later and I can change the thing that I'm mad about but if you're constantly looking at your and sometimes i'm looking at noah right now yeah and it makes me mad because she's so pretty gotcha and it will make me upset you're so pretty noah okay so um becoming a problem this what do you see wrong with your face noah yeah right now oh a lot i don't even want to point it i don't even want to do it do it that would be interesting she doesn't have oh yeah sorry sorry i don't want to make you do

it but do it so i can take a sharpie right now and just mark it yeah for sure because i have a couple suggestions for you i'm just i feel like my nose will look like the wire of the the the cord of the hair dryer like the penis okay oh you. Oh, you have a dick nose? We turned this on your hotel room. Turn it aside. Maybe we could see what we see in Aladdin or whatever. No, more side. No, your nose is not. No, your nose is awesome,

and it's the temple to your face. Okay, it doesn't matter. My nose, this is what I wanted to tell you. I know it doesn't matter, but the thing is, your nose does get bigger, and I was watching the Playboy documentary yesterday, and Holly Madison,

you guys, that is so good, A&E.com. I can't wait to watch it. Or it's on Sling. I also download Sling. Holly Madison got her nose done and getting noses done, they all look the same

and it is the tentpole to your face. However, Noah, what were you going to say about this article? So I was going to say this article, the thing that stuck out was when I went to like photo shoots with you and you asked me to look at the photos because you just didn't want to look at your face like a thousand times.

Like now that we're doing everything on Zoom and I have to do a lot of conferences on Zoom and this recording on Zoom, I am not used to being on camera. And the article was like, oh oh my god it's so true i've just been like having to like force to stare at my face so much i'm not used to it now i really appreciate what nikki was saying all those years ago where i i understood it kind of yeah i really understand it so i think it's like you have to learn how to deal with that part of it though it is a weird thing that people that aren't used to seeing themselves except in a mirror,

which is, you know, they don't really look. And it's a choice. Whereas zoom is not a choice. But the thing is what I would suggest for people, cause I go a lot to a lot of 12 step meetings on zoom. So women have to like get dressed up more like for business.

Like, like you have a 10 o'clock zoom call. I have to put makeup on in my living room for this check your zoom when you first get on it and for your peace of mind make it so you can't see yourself and you can't there's options yeah do that for yourself girls because and you'll go but i don't know what i look like the whole time don't that if you were in a board meeting you wouldn't know what you look like the whole time there's not a mirror so just trust that it looks good at first and then shut it off because honestly you can't focus when i'm

and then if you're bored in a meeting and you just want to like kind of mug to the camera and have some fun yeah turn it back on but like it's so distracting you can't hear what the other person's saying because you're like sometimes you're just like i look so good like sometimes it's the opposite where you're like oh my god like i'm beautiful my eyes are looking at how it looks like when i'm like actually like looking like I'm like, you know, like interested. Wait, now that we have control right now, Andrew, of like how we like we have absolute control of what this image looks like.

Let's all try to do our face that we think we look the prettiest in or like the most hot. I can't, yeah. Okay. Wait, why are we to the side and Andrew is forward facing? I look terrible from the side. My face falls apart from the side.

It just becomes skin. My chin isn't defined. Lift up like this and open your mouth a little bit. Go, hi. It just becomes skin. My chin isn't defined. Lift up like this. And open your mouth a little bit. Go, hi. That's my biggest trick. Noah's so pretty.

This is my biggest trick for girls smiling and for my mom who always does this when she smiles. And I used to do this too. It just makes you look like Wallace and Gromit when you just put your teeth together and you just smile like this. For a hickster. It's so unnatural. The best thing to do, and who gives a fuck really about any of this, but because you're lovable as you are, even if you don't have a mouth. But if you want to look the most aesthetically pleasing, tilting your head like up or like going, ha, ah, opening your mouth about a half an inch between your two,

both your bottom and lower teeth going, Hey, when you smile, like for a picture, I always go. Yeah. I always open my mouth for a guy. It looks absurd.

No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't try. That's cute. That's really good. That's good. I look like a sea lion.

Don't smile so much. You look like a friendly neighbor. You look like a friendly neighbor. Don't smile so much. Oh, that's cute. That's really good. That's good. I look like a sea lion that has a finger in the ass. Don't smile so much. You look like a friendly neighbor. You look like a friendly neighbor. Don't smile so much. Oh, that's cute. I like that. That's good, Andrew. That's good.

I hate this so much. Wait, do your smile, Andrew. Do your smile in a picture. My regular smile would be like. Yeah, not trying. That's cute. That's good. That's really cute.

Okay, now try to do your sexiest face because I was focused on mine. I want to see yours. Yeah, that's good. Now tilt it to the side a little bit. Someone told me to actually think like you want to fuck me. Wait, Nick Vile taught me the one where you look up and you go, huh? And then they click right when you look up. So tell me when to look up.

Okay, look up. You look like a skater that just like fucking found new wheels. No, but if you go like look at my eyes ready right now i'll go i'm not gonna say fuck me i'll just be like whatever just think about um your protein powder right now and like protein powder yeah well do you want to fuck your protein powder holy shit okay now think no now i'm gonna think about fucking my protein powder no protein powder just normal okay now think about fucking you know what happened is cum started building in your eyes no yeah um no you you you lowered your you kind of just squinted more but i feel you can see it in the eyes wait let me try let me try mine okay this is my this is and by the way if you're listening at home this is a sign to go to youtube yeah i mean we have to give them something they

have to go in a couple days and if you want to go right now as you're listening to this because you listen daily just go subscribe even if you don't watch things on youtube just give us a subscribe yeah it helps everything and and leave a nice comment you know we we really appreciate it we love our listeners. Okay, so this is my regular face. Regular face. Mugshot. Okay.

No, just think about just whatever. Just like going about your day. Okay. And now think seductive. Yeah. That was, yeah. Now you kind of came in a little bit seductive made you look smaller it for me in the feminine energy noah it's not this is me being like masculine energy

of like like it's like i can't even do masculine energy because i want to i guess okay let me see my face if i was trying to like flirt with taylor swift because in a taylor swift relationship in a lesbian relationship i believe i would be the masculine energy so it'd be like this whoa that is masculine yeah okay hot now this is me if with I'm if with I'm with a man oh man maybe combine them that's why this feels so weird to me smaller because that feels so mad so feminine to me if i see that guy in a um bumble picture that guy has fun and guys don't i've said this all the time yeah we don't smile enough men get to smile in their pictures because you want a guy who's fun

and although it's not like sexually threatening you put a picture in there that you're not smiling and then the rest of them smile and what do you feel about cap sleeves um because this is the cap sleeve episode if you are not watching on youtube we are capping our sleeves because noah's shirt naturally does a cap sleeve muscle t um let's get to the next news story yeah i just see forehead when i look in these things you said my forehead doesn't look big but i think it looks it looks normal no and then you can see like i'm losing hair and so it's like that's all i see man i ran into a guy the other night like a comedian receding a little bit i told you about him remember the comedian i told you that asked me out ages ago yeah he asked me out noah i think we this was during you up days he asked me out um one night and I was like oh I've always

liked this guy and we had like really flirty fun energy one night and he was like hey do you want to go we exchanged texts I was like oh my god I've always thought this guy's so cute and he's having like a really moment in his career at this time and he was feeling like he was just adorable and funny and he uh asked me out later that night and he was like, hey, tomorrow is my friend's birthday. We're going to this place. Do you want to come dancing? And I was like, oh my God, this is post-Dancing with the Stars, but I was just like, I don't drink.

But I was like, yes, I'll go dancing. That sounds fun. So I said, yes, that sounds so fun. The next day comes, I never hear from him the whole day. And he has written me the day. This isn't like a week before. He just doesn't write him the whole day and he has written me the day this isn't like a week before he just doesn't write me the next day and so I went to the comedy store and I found his at the time we were supposed to be dancing I just I didn't hear from him so I just took a set and I

went to the comedy store and I got his name from the marquee you know the big when you have your name on the marquee at the comedy store it's like a big plastic uh strip that has your name on it and they just throw it up they don't do individual letters and i asked for his name because it's like six feet tall it's huge and then i did a video where i was dancing with it just to be like oh i'm dancing with this person and i sent it to him it was like i'm so i'm having so much fun dancing with you because i also saw on his story that he was at the place where he's dancing and i'm like what the fuck i ran into that guy the other night and immediately he's like hey and i just i didn't recognize him because he got he got plugs and i that's not why i didn't recognize him though i think other things changed about him too he like looked taller i don't know but um i was just he

he like looked at me and i don't usually see him at this venue and so i was like you know i just smiled because i thought he was like a fan or something and then I walked by and I was like oh that guy looks familiar I probably know him and he looked at me in a way that was like we're friends and then he comes up he's like hey it's me and I was like oh hi oh my god good to see you and he got plot he's I go I didn't recognize you and he's like it's I got plugs and they look great which I really do recommend guys get it if you can afford it and like want to invest in it. But,

um, I went on stage, he brought me on stage and I called him out on stage and was like, Hey, remember when you asked me to go dancing and that you didn't call me the next day. And, um,

he was like, I go, what happened there from the stage? And he's like, I was intimidated. And I'm just like, I know you were probably that's the right answer but like too late and because then uh he was like you want to go dancing now and i was like no i'm seeing someone too late and um he texted me i'm i'm not kidding you as soon as i am locking it down with someone men are coming out of the

fucking woodwork asking me out and it's so nice to to say to them. That's why your UTI came about, so you don't fuck them. That's what my point was. No, that doesn't stop me. I wouldn't want to fuck these guys. It's not like that's what's stopping me is my man. I wouldn't do that. No, but I know. I got what you're saying.

Huh? I get what you're saying. Your body's just like, no, dude. Yeah, my Uber app keeps crashing, so I can't go meet them. Yeah, it's like your parental control is on your own pussy. Yeah. That burns when you piss. But it is interesting that I keep getting asked out, but it's so fun to say to them,

listen, if I wasn't seeing someone, I would definitely entertain hanging out with you, but I am seeing someone. And by the way, they don't go hey can i ask you out so we can work towards having sex they just go hey do you want to maybe get a bite sometime this weekend and then when i say hey i'm seeing someone they go i just wanted as a friend and i'm like no you didn't yeah yeah yeah they cover you don't yeah and that's it's not bad that by the way i said that i would go if i wasn't seeing someone i would entertain this but i so why are you covering it up?

Like, and also, okay, yeah, let me go over now as a friend. But the thing is, they think they like still haven't, they think they hear that you're dating someone and they still think that maybe it's not going well or something. I've been that girl before where I'm like, oh, well, this is going to fall apart. I should just get in there. But, but most of them are, are one response i had and he's a listener and so i'll say i really appreciate it because he was like i hope he treats you well you deserve it it was a very nice thing and to that person he is treating me well and i felt

like being like here are the screenshots of the nice things he says to me to prove that this guy treats me well um let's get to the next news story oh we gotta go to break oh we gotta go to a break um let's do that and then come back with why do i care or maybe just another news story that you like john stewart is back in the host chair at the daily show which means he's also back in our ears on the daily show ears edition podcast the daily show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture you get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else,

like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. Why do I care? Why do I care? Why do you care? Okay, should we do Kim Kardashian is what makes her horny?

Or do you want to do Kate like this choice kate thurston antidepressants before bachelorette or do you want to do uh the most embarrassing style trends the year you were born um i wanted to hear about katie thurston and then i might want to hear the other ones but let's talk with bachelorette katie thurston i tried to watch the bachelor last night that aired on monday i couldn't do it it is i'm so they did this whole group date where they're in a circle and they're talking about like they're sharing they're like most like like they're intimate things of like i grew up not feeling like i was pretty and like one girl's like i grew up and everyone thought i was too

skinny and like honestly i do know that that's a real thing. Girls that are naturally skinny, people make fun of them for being anorexic. You can be insecure about your body if you're too skinny. But it was funny to see all these girls that grow in the circle just being like, yeah, bitch, you were too skinny. That's like, so sad.

And then just all these beautiful people just being like, I thought I was ugly. But the truth is, beautiful people think they're ugly more than not beautiful people, to be honest with you. As I've seen in my most beautiful friends. I just keep hearing the Marilyn Manson song while you're talking. Beautiful people. The beautiful people. Oh, my God.

Did you hear about him? Yeah. It's awful. Okay. I love that we all didn't see that coming. Okay. Andrew, tell me about Katie Thurston and antidepressants. Yeah, he took out a rib so he could rape someone.

Okay, anyways, we can take that out. I thought that was flea. Katie Thurston, she started taking antidepressants before the season. Sparks I once felt for life were doused with judgment and criticism of not only strangers, but even ones I worked closely with. I was drowning in them. You try to articulate a little bit. bit yeah it's like you're reading it to yourself scanning yeah i was just gonna say i was drowning my tears blah blah blah unable to even recognize the girl but whatever i started thinking it sounds like i need antidepressants what i'm gathering from this noah let me ask you about it. To handle negativity, she took them. She took them because, yeah, so it wouldn't affect her as much.

Yeah, I mean, it was before the season came out. So just to be prepared, she was already getting all these negative comments. She turned off her Instagram and put her phone away and tried to block out as much negativity as possible. If you do not, if you go on a reality show as a normal person who is not used to being in the spotlight and you do not have fucking panic attacks about how people have- You're not normal.

Then you are superhuman because it is, I would never, I mean, I'm just, I'm so grateful that I did not get famous and have people have opinions about me until I was in recovery for my eating disorder. And listen, it started before, but it didn't get intense until before. Um, and it's still not intense. I don't want it to get any more intense. I love the level of fame I'm at. I want my besties and that's all I need. Um, but there's nothing like you said, Noah, being on zoom and seeing your face, you didn't sign up for this is not what you a part of life that you wanted to stare at your face all day that's why i don't even

like going to the fucking hairdresser because you got to look in the mirror the whole time and i'm like this is like forced zooming um if you're let's be honest people think they they want to go on a reality show that's why they go on it but it's holly madison in this playboy show called the secrets of playboys on a and e i'm it's i'm watching it two episodes in it's great but holly madison who was on girls next door she had so much confidence she was this you know small town alaska girl so much confidence always felt like she thinks she has asperger's she's not diagnosed but she's like i think i have asperger's so she's like me just diagnosing herself with autism so she um she had so much confidence and then being in the you would think that the validation of being hef's chosen

girlfriend would give her confidence she was suicidal in there like he was a monster yeah but from what i read he represents that the cog of being hot and like judging women and that harshly like there's no as a woman when you get older and you get sexualized and especially in entertainment when people start having judgments about your body and like you have to be in the spotlight so much you just buckle up buckle buckle up. And we, I just want, I got to start something for young women that just prepares them for this because it's unavoidable in this day and age to not be judged or to not, you know, you were saying that to me about like, you're like every girl got it.

Every girl has issues with her looks, no matter how, like just the more friends that people you talk to it's like it doesn't no one avoids it men do too i'm not making this just a woman issue but women it's really it is interesting like with women that get famous through like a reality show when they're younger and whatever deemed hotter right and then they have to then come out with a show of saying how horrible their life was yeah just to be able to garner a it's not attention but what i'm trying to think about though is like it's like like you are doing it because you want to tell your story but there is money involved because but then the other... But I'm saying the flip side to that is, like,

you're aging, so then there is no other option for you to make money. I felt like it was... So I don't know. Yeah, that's a good point. Well, I found that... Because I was watching a lot of this last night, of these, you know, girls on The Bachelorette saying, like,

I used to, like, hate the way I look, and let me be honest, they all still do. These are young girls. They're not... Unless... most young girls I know, if we're gonna group of 12 of them, I don't know that they've all had bodies. Yeah, four hours ago, I hated my face. Yeah, but it all changed now that I'm on TV

crying about it next to the guy I wanna marry. With better makeup. It's, the thing I was realizing is that women who are sexualized and spend time in the spotlight and look like they're living the best life it's almost like the pendulum will always swing the other way it's almost all like these playmates all of them there's just like dozens of these women that like were in hell and hated their bodies and like felt like abused. It's, there's always this other side of it that is so dark and sad.

And it's like, I, I just feel, I feel for young girls who hate the way they look now because, or like what that are struggling. Cause I, I think about even myself now when I look in the mirror and I'm like, Oh,

I hate myself. It's like, bitch, this is not going to get any better for you in terms of like fuckability. You're only getting older. So you better like yourself now. This isn't going to, if you can't accept yourself now,

your life, you're going to be set up for misery. I know. I don't know how to fix it. Hopefully with age, you start letting go of some superficial things and then like you don't that's what i don't try to keep up you don't try to like you're only you gotta work at it that's yeah yeah you you don't just gotta wait for age to make you not give a shit you literally

have to work i remember being like knowing that my my face was gonna fall things were gonna get worse and saggier and everything and that I was in a mad dash to accept myself before that stuff started happening because at the the way I used to judge myself there was I wasn't gonna survive that yeah and you do you have to it's not about like looking in the mirror and being like you're beautiful over and over it is truly truly, um, it's, it's a spiritual process. Honestly, it's about like accepting that it's not your fault the way you look. It's not up to you the way you look, even though you think you, you have some kind of say in it. It's not. And even if you were a burn victim tomorrow, you would, doesn't mean, or like disfigured facially or had some sort of condition that made you balloon up.

Those things can all happen like that. So do you kill yourself because of those things if all of your worth is on this? So you have to get to a place where it's like, I'm more than that. I think what happens is you try so hard, whether you're a woman or also men, but you try so hard whether you're a woman or also men but like you try so hard like for me personally like you would try like i gotta get my body right i gotta look good for this spring break like i gotta like be as ripped as possible i gotta like i can't have a receding hairline and then what happens is you get a little bit older and you get to like 30 and you're like oh man i'm older now

none of that shit matters and then you go almost the get to like 30 and you're like, oh man, I'm older now. None of that shit matters. And then you go almost the opposite of letting yourself go. You're like, I'm just an old man now. I'm just, I'm a crippled old man. Which isn't good either. Which isn't good either. So then you got to find a way to be like, oh no, you can still exercise and like be your like whatever best self.

You want to feel good. Yes. It's for your, like working out for your mental health, not for your physical. I mean, because when the mental is good, it goes outward. Yeah, of course.

You couldn't even stop it if you wanted to. It's all about up there. That's why I'm just like this UTI shit. I refuse to believe it's a physical condition. I know it's something going on upstairs about me not accepting the way that things are. Or poop on a dick. Or it's like shit in my clit.

Let's get to the Wednesday wildcard game of the week. It is, and we're going to play it in final thought. I love how we're transitioning from just this really body positive, feminist energy into the most misogynist game I've ever encountered, which I want to thank Barstool Sports for putting out this game called Answer the Internet, which is a downloadable app. And Kevin Clancy, who is one of the guys from KFC Radio. And Final Bird.

But KFC was the one that sent me. Oh, okay. He did the grunt work of sending me the code so I could get the super pack of this game that you usually have to pay for. So shout out to him, even though he trashed me on that podcast about my song for bob okay so um let's get to it uh he said he could have a music career just so you know he did oh that's nice okay then uh he i'm back on team team clans um let's get to um so oh we have we have definite um my decks okay best of deck number one best of deck number two okay let's do this start playing i'm the only one with the cards so have you ever dated a person

you banged on the first or second date have you ever yes you've dated them dated them? I fucking, dude. I was like, dude, I can't believe I'm going to date this slut. No offense, but weren't you and Brenna like the third date? Hey, man, who's counting? So this doesn't count, that one. Yeah. So you're talking about someone else you dated after the first or second? Completely different. Okay.

It is. I'm saying it's first or second. I've only been in three relationships. One girl I waited about seven months Another girl Yeah it was like the second date And then second date But you know what it is

What's time Yeah I don't even know Noah what about you Have you ever dated a person you banged on the first or second date Yes For four years too long I did a walk of shame right into her heart You know what I mean Oh shit Yes. For four years too long. I did a walk of shame right into her heart.

You know what I mean? Oh, shit. Yeah. All right. My answer is no, but I would have liked to. They just didn't want to. All right. Damn.

You're going in, dude. Okay. Okay, Andrew, this one's for you. Okay, I'm ready. Would you rather have one giant dick for an arm or have all your fingers be dicks? This is a real question, you guys. I hate this. Wait, do you still have a dick, another dick, a regular dick? Yeah.

Then in that case, I'd rather have one dick being on an arm. Okay. Because that'd be pretty fucking dope. Noah, you don't get to answer it because we don't even know what it'd be like to have a dick being on an arm. Okay. Because that'd be pretty fucking dope. Noah, you don't get to answer it because we don't even know what it'd be like to have a dick between our legs. Okay, would you rather have a vagina for an arm or five vaginas for fingers?

I mean, what the fuck would that even look like? Bad. Okay, would you rather be... Would you... Would you rather be naked all the time or clothed all the time? I mean, clothed all the time. Who would want to be naked all the time? You couldn't live your life.

Can you fuck through your zipper? And what's hotter than pulling the panties to the side? You know what I'm saying? But that's partly naked. That's clothed. I don't know. That's the question. Well, these questions, you? But that's partly naked. That's clothed. I don't know. That's the question. Well, these questions,

you can interpret them as you wish. I'll just fuck through it. Would you rather Dan rather? have to tell your mom everything sexual that you've done or have to show her your entire porn history?

I'd rather show her my entire porn history. Oh, really? Well, she's in half of it. No, she's not. The younger, when she was younger. I would definitely. Not when she's older, dude.

Not when she's older. Don't think like I like porn of my mom now. Oh, yeah. Gross. It was like before like Hugh even moved out of Chicago, dude. Oh, my God. Hugh Hefner. What about you, Noah?

Your mom hearing about every sexual experience you've had or your porn history probably porn history because it would devastate her more honestly am i oh because it would kill her yeah yeah yeah honestly my porn history is so much worse than the things i've done and i've done some really gross stuff but my porn history is so much more embarrassing i wouldn't even want to show my lover my porn history you talk about your porn history all the time on here. Yeah, but I'm not telling you the real details of it, dude. I mean, that's wild, then. It's insane.

Yeah. It's weird. I really feel weird about it. Is Tom Papa in it? Call me. Ham drip. Ham drip. What's the other one?

Turkey tear. Turkey tear. Would you rather fight a... Oh, this is the worst one. I hate that one. Oh, no. Oh, my God. This is the worst one i hate that one um uh oh no oh my god this is the kiss would you rather be drunk 24 7 or never drink again oh man i mean i think we know the answer

to that 24 7 for sure yeah whatever dude i'd rather fucking kill a family at 9 a.m than live happily in my life you know my god this is the worst one andrew would you rather these are all for boys but honestly no this would be by the way are we doing what they do to the song like about yes but i'm would you rather make fun of someone singing about a dead celebrity they kind of know or play would you rather monetize and uh that's just are we hypocritical or i would i would say no because nothing about this is edgy no it's not right okay would you rather sit on a dick and eat a cake or sit on a cake and eat a dick sit on a dick okay so you have to like have a dick in your butt yeah and eat a cake or sit on a cake and eat a dick that's kind of a good question for you

as a straight man eating the dick or suck it yeah you're sucking a dick um i think i'd rather let's think about you have a normal asshole let's think about that oh yeah that's a good point so a normal asshole normal mouth and all my teeth i have all my teeth and no anal fissures yeah and this okay i would say i'd rather sitting on a cake you know what part of me so good no but part of me thinks like if i'm eating a cake and it's delicious it will distract you distract me from the ass like the dick in my mouth and then i'm not even getting cake got it um yeah there's i answered that one like pretty like real like i really was thinking no i think you should no what about you and let's think of it as obvious oh i think sitting on a dick and eating a cake for sure.

No, do a vagina. Do a vagina. Just split it up. Would you rather sit on a croissant and eat a vagina? Oh, so would you rather scissor a girl and eat a cake? Rub clits together and eat a cake. Okay. Or sit on a cake and eat a clit.

I would rather 100% sit on a cake and eat a clit. Same. Because I just don't want those calories. I don't like sugar. It's honestly about that. Actually, sitting on a cake will give us a yeast infection. Because of the sugar. It's all thoughts, Noah.

I kind of want to do it. Wait, what would you, would you want a big ass candle on there, boy? Yeah. Like one of those um yeah like the ones that are in churches that are like for a number he just walks in the dark uh wait what um why don't you like what the idea of scissoring with a girl is that what does that do to your brain when you think about it too complicated it kind of turns me on it just like anything like um i'm uh i don't i think on the kinsey scale i'm probably a two in terms of like if if gay is zero and ten or seven is straight i think it's one to seven i'm like a two um but i could definitely um i would definitely do that i think it would be kind of fun to like and the thing is like

sex is all the things i think about where i'm like oh i'd be nervous about doing that eating pussy or whatever um i just feel like at this point in my life, I'm just so, I can be so honest about how, what I do not know and what I do know in bed that it would be. And I'm so much more open with women in terms of like being able to be like insecure around them that I honestly think I'd be like, I don't know what I'm doing. And just be, I mean,

I will hook up with a girl someday. There is something about like becoming so comfortable with a friend that it's not even like sex. Oh, I would never do it with a friend. But the idea of like, oh, okay. Because then you can't go back to, it'd be like hooking up with your guy friend. What if they just forget?

What if they just forget? There's amnesia or dementia. You've been in black, like eating them? My point is, then it's just like, oh, it's my friend. You're just eating an arm. Okay, I have one question to finish us out. Andrew,

take us out of the podcast with you have to pick one food for your best friend, let it be me, to chew up and spit in your mouth. What food do you choose? Pussy cake? Yeah, Brad. Fat dick. up and spit in your mouth what food do you choose pussy cake yeah fat dick uh because i like little dicks if i had to choose one food just chew up and spit in your mouth i would have to say uh shit that's tough man i don't want seaweed snacks i would say avocado because you made guacamole

that's good but it would be like spitty i would choose like something that you could liquefy so that when you spit it it would be like i can convince myself it's liquid yeah okay yeah it's kind of already a mucusy i would pick like watermelon because it's so watery that the spit could like and it would be like watermelon juice is so good by by the way. Does it bother you if a girl you're dating makes more money than you? God, these are so good.

We have to go. We have to go to break. Thank you guys for listening. Think about, ponder that question throughout your Wednesday. Not break. We have to wrap.

Wait, you said break? Yeah, we're breaking until tomorrow, you guys. Oh, okay. No, don't think that I meant that. I really fucked up and said break but i saved it that's like when you when you fall back in a chair and you're like i meant to do that that was fun

yeah dude that was sweet dude i meant to trip and fall in uh kirsten and i used to make fun of guys in eighth grade who would lean back in their chair so much and then they'd fall over and they'd be like well that was actually fun i want to do it again. We'd be like, really? You do? The first stand-up joke I ever laughed hard at is a black guy was doing a joke where he goes, when a white guy falls, he's like, but when a black guy falls, he goes, and then he hits a jump shot. He turns it into, he meant to fall to then shoot back. And I just remember laughing so hard at that. I guess I've never seen a black guy fall.

I've never seen that. I fall. I've never seen that. I don't know. Bucket list. All right, guys. We got to go. Thank you for listening to the podcast. Don't be cut. And Jax.

Jax Barrow. Woo! Seems new to me. It feels new. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast

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