The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #167 No Is a Sentence

Episode Date: January 28, 2022

After catching up on a lot of TV, Nikki and Andrew realize how much they are affected by TV shows. Nikki loved the message at the end of Afterlife 3 about the point of life. And both appreciate the talent it takes to be honest. Andrew tells a story about falling asleep on the job and a work experience with Rusty. They talk about common sounds that are their nightmares and Nikki's love for painful massages. In You Heard It Here First, unusual things left in hotel rooms and the Neil Young vs Joe Roegan debate. Listeners leave messages about CDs, an embarrassing entrance, making a mom listen to the podcast and micropenises in the Fanthrax segment....and that's why they are the Besties! Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast Here's Nikki Hello, here I am Welcome to the show, it's the Nikki Glaser Podcast Happy Thursday everyone What's Thursday in Spanish, Andrew? Viernes

Really? Yeah How do you know? Or Viernas, Viernes Is it really Florida or is it like education? Viernes might be Friday. Wait, you know it, Noah? Do you know Spanish, Noah?

Yeah. Wait, hold on. Viernes might be Friday. Vendredi is Thursday in French. Listen. Here, wait. I don't know. It's okay.

People either know it or they don't or they don't care. Because if you cared, don't know. It's okay. People either know it or they don't, or they don't care. Because if you cared, you would know it. Happy Thursday. Last day of the show for the week. First day of the show. Ah, huevos. What? Huevos.

Isn't that eggs? Fearness is Friday. Huevos is eggs. Oh, then what the hell is Thursday in French? How do you spell it? J-U-E-V-E-S. Oh, then what the hell is Thursday in French? How do you spell it? J-U-E-V-E-S. Okay, where's Jeeves? Ask him.

Okay. Wait, what? Uh-oh. Ask Jeeves. Ask Jeeves. Ask Jeeves. Wave at him. Anyhow.

Today's the first day of filming for us. I couldn't sleep last night. I don't know whether I'm nervous or I'm, um, I'm just like, I was just restless. I think my mattress sucks. To be honest with you.

I think the mattress here sucks. And I've never once blamed a mattress for my sleeping, but I did do an ad read yesterday for a new sponsor that we have on the show. And I was sold on the fact that I want that mattress really, really bad in my life. It's called Nectar. Yeah, Nectar.

I mean, that's just a good name for... Whoever came up with that name in whatever think tank they did for that mattress brand, like, what's something that reminds you of, like, something soothing yet not... Also, that makes me think, like like my neck will be fine yeah like neck it's like neck and doctor together it's a neck doctor for your neck can't wait for bacture to come out um yeah bacture i want one of those nectars um so shout out to the and those mattresses

are like i couldn't believe i was doing this ad read i'm like wait is that how much money you get off of this mattress because mattresses are so expensive but it's actually how much the mattress is so if you're looking for a mattress definitely go to um nectar mattresses because i was sold just reading the the points about it i was like paying more attention and so okay not only is my mattress shit, but the sheets are rough. At night, I think this place that I'm staying turns like doesn't. You're supposed to sleep very cold to have the best sleep possible, as you know that I love. Yeah. I put it down to 65 on the thing, knowing that it's not going to get there ever.

But I want it as cold as possible. And the room won't go beyond. During the day, it'll not going to get there ever. But I want it as cold as possible. And the room won't go beyond. During the day, it'll get down to 67, which I don't really want during the day, but I just leave it on anyway. And then at night, 72. It won't go any lower than that. So I think this place is cheapening up at night

because they go, oh, the sun's not coming down. We don't need to put as much energy into the AC. I'm burning up. And tossing and turning. It's hard to be hot on hard sheets. Yes. Like, it's a strong combo of like, it feels like you're on cardboard and you're outside almost.

Yeah. The pool's also not heated. Yeah, in Portland and stuff. Yeah, all over the country. Crunchy. All over the crunchy. Crunchy. All over the crunchy. All over the crispy. There's a sandwich at the McDonald's here

called the McCrispy. It's Pollo McCrispy. Yesterday we were driving past McDonald's and I was like, oh, Pollo McCrispy. I was like, I have never wanted something more in my life that I don't eat, that I have no interest in eating, but that sounds real good.

And Andrew didn't even really notice me. He kind of heard me say it, but it didn't sink in. And then this morning we went past that sign again. He was like, oh, man. I don't know. I don't know why do things just make it more. Crispy is such a good word. And pollo doesn't make me think of chicken

because it's not my first language So it's not When I hear chicken I hear like bird sandwich What about chicky? Chicky That takes me out of it a little bit A little McChickie? This bed

And then the AC unit sounds like a roaring lion purring It really does It's awful And so I amp up my white noise Which I had to put in my headphones last night because the white noise on my phone the speaker got ruined because my phone got saturated by some lube and so the speaker really in your bag or by the bed what happened there was like a pool of lube and it just i sat down my phone and it gets seeped in this the speaker

and it's like it's just like buzzy now it's like your cat and so it just does not sound good at coming out of my phone and so i had to put in my air pods to drown out the purring lion in my ac unit and also i just was kind of scared here last night because i was like i could legit get murdered and no one would hear me because i'm so tucked away yeah that's not like a call a clarion call to murderers out there to come find me but like this is the place to do it you're like in the country in a hotel like you're in like rural hotel yes rural city like you could like. I'm in the basement of a hotel. And to get to my room, you have to walk eight miles.

Yeah. And mom's spaghetti. If the cartel is listening, there's security, though. Just letting you know. Yeah, you have to just act confident walking in here. There's a lion inside the air conditioner. Yeah, there's a hibernating lion. Ready to go at any moment.

I couldn't sleep till 3 a.m. last night. I have never watched so much TV in my life as these two days I've had off here in Mexico where I've been neglecting work and also not having to actually do anything except the podcast. I finished Afterlife. Very, very interesting ending,

which led me to Google, what does the ending of afterlife mean which i'm not the only one googling that by the way a lot of people are confused but it's it's good it's good if that doesn't compel you to watch it i don't know do you feel like sometimes like depending on this it's like music but like i was watching yellow jackets with brenna and i feel like because it's such an intense show about like death and like I don't know just like really dark survival and it honestly I think it almost like started fight like not fights but like it gives us a different like you shouldn't watch it right before bed with

your partner because I feel like yeah it's it makes you anxious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It creates your body. I was depressed after afterlife because it makes you think about death so much. It's so funny when you watch things. Like if you watch Yellow Jackets at 10 a.m. and someone gets murdered and their throat cut or whatever and you'll be like,

fucking whatever. And then your brain at 11 p.m. sees that and you're like, I could get killed too. I don't know know for me it's interesting anywhere i mean i guess you have more things to distract you throughout the day yeah if we've learned anything just play tetris and i'll erase it yeah that's what ham trips for sure but tetri i really it's true it's it is funny that we're like isn't it weird that art can impact your mental state yeah yeah i know it sounds know it sounds dumb, but I know it's like...

We don't treat TV shows as art, but it is. And just the way you... A song... A song? I don't know what that was. A crunchy song? That was art. A mixed...

That was art. The way a song can affect you emotionally, of course TV shows can, and it can change the way you look at the world and the way you feel about your existence. I mean, afterlife really got me into some weird kind of dark places. And then I was watching The Bachelor the other night, and I had to turn that off because I was just not in the mood

to hear pretty people talk about how sad they are just so they could get a chance to get like fake married on the show and then i was also watching what did i watch last night um god there was something else you feel like getting into the show that we're shooting here that we can't talk about yet everyone knows um that because like afterlife is kind of the opposite of like the kind of show we're shooting here that like does it make you i don't know like do you think that makes you more anxious like because i texted chris last night that he was like how are you feeling and i'm like i'm a little nervous going in tomorrow

even though the show i'm making is called f boy island and nothing matters because truly nothing no we're all gonna die and the show i am making is called f boy island and that was my joke last year on set before the name of the show was released and i couldn't talk about it but every time someone would be like i don't know tomorrow we don't even know the location and then we got these people coming and and and now this person's not talking this person and and and i don't think we're gonna get it done in time and i was like we're making a show called f boy island put everything in perspective this doesn't matter i mean it does a lot of money is being invested in it but everyone who makes this show and everyone who's on the show will die someday yeah and and look beautiful

and very relatively soon compared to the whole existence of life. Like that, you know, the world will go on. The show will be forgotten. We all will be forgotten. Does that make you feel better or worse? I don't know. That's a good question because it's like, then you're like, wait, am I just doing something that I don't believe in?

But I do believe in the show. That's a good thing. I believe in comedy and I believe in telling the truth about things that everyone takes too seriously. So that is what I love about this show is that it's while it's, you know, a fictional world that things are taking place and the people are real. The emotions become very real. And the show has a sense of humor. I get to comment on everything and it's the best it's that whole thing that i say about um if you want to be a comedian like

the best advice i can give you or if you want to be funny in life just be honest like always be honest and that's the funniest thing because and i i was thinking about it the other day because someone asked me like what's the advice you give stand-up comedians? And I was doing the whole thing of like, be a cool person to be around and then people will help you out and bring you on the road. And I was like, no, the best advice comedically is just when in doubt, say the most honest thing.

That's what roasting is. That's whatever. It's just honest. And why is that? Why is that the ticket to being funny? And the reason is, is because we're all so full of shit. Yeah. Everything we do is a lot.

Everything, every meeting you go on, every phone call you take, is because we're all so full of shit yeah everything we do is a lot everything every meeting you go on every phone call you take there is so much bullshit everyone is lying about you know when you say buenos dias to the woman at starbucks i i don't really mean it i today's fine i'm not like i don't really care if you have a good morning. When I say thank you, I do mean it. But everything we do is fake. And I'm not trying to be like emo about this. But it is funny that there is a talent you can have if you just don't be fake. Because it is so pervasive how fake everyone is all the time. Yeah, I think that's why I got into stand-up.

Because I felt like any time I worked in an office and I was in like, I was in a meeting and I'm in a button down and the whole time I'm like, what are we, what is this? Like, and I can't, I really like can't be fake. Like I can't put it on. Like I'll say the most wrong thing every time I'll or like you'll get too real like the other day when you ran into

the director of our show in the elevator you like hugged him yeah I blew him yeah I mean that's what you call you call it hugging but I was just

being honest about me putting his dick in my mouth yeah but you hugged him and I think that was your honest thing

was like I like this guy I'm excited to see him but it was awkward you said it was a little awkward maybe I shouldn't have hugged him and it was like was your honest thing was like I like this guy I'm excited to see him but it was awkward you said it was a little awkward a little but shouldn't have hugged him and it was like even that like you have to just be fake all the all the time yeah yeah I mean I think like that's the you know I got into stand-up because of that and then I realized like it's so everyone in like New York like like not in New York, but like comedians are fake.

I mean, every kind of, I did it. I was fake. I like, I'd be a Mike's and not act like myself because I thought maybe it would be like a faster way to just climb up the rank. Cause I'm older. I started old.

I was just like, but that's why it's a talent to be honest. Because if it were easy, then everyone could do it, but it's not. And it's only, I mean, it's something I didn't get. People are like, how do you just like, how are you so honest? And you're so like open.

And it's like, it didn't start that way. You just over time realize, oh, when I was a little bit honest about this, that got a good reaction. Yeah. Even though it was scary to be that honest. Let me try it again tomorrow and take it a little further. Oh, they didn't like that. Let me pull back. And I got to work on my confidence a bit more because if you deliver honesty

without confidence, people get weirded out. You know what it is? Is when I was in college, I would cheat on everything. Right. And I didn't care what anyone thought of me somehow. Like I just didn't care. I just did. And I was so honest with cheating that I was just like, this is I don't give a fuck.

Like I really don't. And so many people like me because I was so honest with cheating that I was just like, this is, I don't give a fuck. Like, I really don't. And so many people liked me because I was just so ridiculous. And then when I would work in my job, I'd be like, I didn't care about getting promotions so I could be my honest self. But then once I did something where I actually cared, then suddenly insecure. Yeah, if my goal was just to make more money or get a sale I would have been fake as shit but because that didn't even register

to me to like I don't know why I just didn't care about it that's the whole point of afterlife is that when Ricky Gervais' wife dies and he questions what's the point of anything we're all going to die I have nothing to live for

the person I love more than anything in the world is gone and i don't want to ever replace her and the world is not going to get better he was like what's the point if i don't if i don't care what anyone thinks about me because the only thing that mattered to me is gone then he's just an asshole constantly but then he learns that the point of life is not to it's not about you it's about you helping other people it's about your point on this world is not so that you get ahead and that you survive and are the best person the the real point of life is to be of service to others and to be there so if you wanted to take your own life, go ahead and do that. But what you're doing is you're killing off like people's ability to have a better life

because you're going to be a conduit for that. So you can hold doors for people. You can listen to someone's problems. You can give someone a hug. Like it's kind of a beautiful message because the whole thing he wants to kill himself. And then this woman on that he talks to on a bench is like, it's not your life isn't you're not allowed to take your own life because you you might not want to live for you but live for other people because you're taking that from them kind of it was it was kind of a cool message but it's the honesty thing there's a difference between being a just a jackass all the time that's the that is the thing yeah Yeah, that's just who I am, dude.

That's who Mike is. He's like, I'm a piece of shit. That's different. Yeah, there's an asshole and then there's someone that just like is kind of aloof and like doesn't care. Aloof is a connotation of being kind of trying to be an asshole or trying to be cool.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I used it wrong. But yeah, just being just being confident like for example when i went to cafe gratitude in la and that's the place where you have to order things and you have to say like i am blessed and it means you're getting a caesar salad and you're like but without without uh humbleness and they're like okay no chicken or whatever um or without humility sorry i used the wrong word um they also when they leave your table as they go to place to order they go okay um i'll be right back with your drinks and do you

guys want to hear the question of the day and it's supposed to like spur this conversation that'll be make you think about gratitude you know and um when i was there with lizzie cooperman a couple years ago i've told the story, but the waiter was like, and would you guys like to hear the question of the day? And I just go, no. And then he just walked away. And Lizzie was like, how could you do that? And I'm like, because it wasn't rude.

He asked me a question. Why ask the question if the answer has to always be yes? He gave me an option. When someone asks you a question, the, you can know is an option. Yes. Always.

And it's not rude. I just didn't want the question of the day. I didn't want him to waste his breath. I didn't want to play this whole game of like, I give a shit about this question of the day. I don't, we already have enough to talk about. We are not one of those,

those two people that need something to generate conversation, which some days I am in that kind of situation. But I guess the only thing that I see there is like, remember an office, uh, office space, the movie, like when you have to wear flair and you have to like, but I wasn't being rude.

No, no, but you know, but he's already getting, that's not, that question is not coming from him. It's coming from the people above him that go, Hey,

you gotta, it's like, welcome to Moe's. You gotta gotta say it so then i think like that's the only reason why it's rude because he's already i don't why it would come off rude i get it if someone's just like hey can i ask isn't it more rude though to force the customer to listen to the question or isn't it rude for me to make this guy stand here and ask a fucking question that he doesn't even care about for sure but i think if you said that i think if you were go why that waste everyone time i just go no we're good like no it's just that's we don't need the question

of the day but maybe if you went no i know they're just making you fucking no i don't need to say that he asked me do i want to hear the question of the day? And the answer is no, I don't. And that is, see, this is the problem with our society is that no is a sentence. It doesn't need a caveat. It doesn't need you to explain it and to apologize for saying no. No is a full sentence. I can't say no.

It's so hard to say no. You need to practice it. Just no. Practice it. Without an excuse? Woo. Tough. Honestly, everyone needs to practice it because it's not something you need to apologize for

that you don't want to do something and that you either don't have the time to do it. You don't need to say that. Yeah. You don't need to explain why you can't go to a thing later to say, I can't go. Do you want to go to lunch later? No. I know it sounds rude, but it can just be, no thank you. That's when you have a real friend.

It may be an acquaintance. Yeah. It's harder. A real friend goes, no, I don't want to do it. And they're like, oh yeah, cool. No worries. It's just, it's a shame to me that being honest is a talent nowadays. Like America's Got Talent, when you're going there as a comedian,

you're like, I'm really good with language and also I tell the truth. That's my talent. Whoa. You just say what you're thinking? And then everyone writes a comment. like, I'm really good with language and also I tell the truth. That's my talent. Whoa! You just say what you're thinking? And then everyone writes a comment. Truth! And Heidi Kim's like, oh my god, I don't understand it. That's so true. Alright, we're

going to go to break and then come back and talk more. Andrew! Coming! Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more

from Jon and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. I was thinking about like when i worked in real estate and like an example of me just being completely honest so i went out on in a truck with this guy who was uh

he either represented or he had like literally probably like 100 million dollars or claimed he did because they were looking at property that was thousands of acres. Oh, I remember this story and I just I had a mustache just because I was partying a lot and I fell asleep In his truck while we're looking at a piece of property that was gonna sell for you know Fifteen million dollars where I would have made, you know, five hundred thousand dollars. I don't know something crazy And i'm just asleep in his he's driving obviously because i'm asleep he's the client he's the client driving in his truck and i just fell

asleep in his truck how did he how did you even get this guy as a client did he like is he a family friend did he like no no he was from miami like up. Did he go, what the fuck is wrong with you, dude? I mean, one, it's Florida. Two, it was during the market, like, being just, like, crazy. So, you know, it was just, I was young. I thought you were dead. I thought you were dead. I thought I was dead because I was so, like, amazed that I was going to. So then I just fall asleep.

But, like, this is the thing, though. So he wakes me up. He wakes me up, and he's like hey man we're here i'm like oh yeah oh yeah it's pretty big huh like i didn't know anything about the property either i was just like yeah it goes around and stuff and he's just like he's like you passed out man i was like dude i got so fucked up last night and he's like i get it like and that honesty and i kind of knew that he wasn't like a stuck up dude. Like he wasn't coming in like a Lincoln Aviator or something.

Like he was in like a pickup truck. Like the fact that I was honest about being hung over. Made him like you. Yeah. And then we got like beers after we saw it. A little hair to dog. Yeah, a little hair to dog. But like that like honesty in that moment, I couldn't be any more honest.

Yes. And it worked out in my favor. Now, he could have been more stuck up and whatever. But I don't know. It was just like I want to get back to that place where maybe I came off like a little bit of an asshole because I fell asleep. Yeah. I mean, you're not taking your job seriously, but you're falling asleep when this guy is going to pay you $500,000 of his money is going to go to you, and you're asleep on the way that he's driving to the property

that you know nothing about and couldn't have even been bothered to Google it. Although you probably didn't have a smartphone at the time. Well, the problem was I just made like $200,000 pretty much doing nothing, so I was like, whatever. God, you must have just thought life was going to be easy. Did you have any plans for your future? Like what were you going to do? I'd go to the ATM and just like rub it in my friend's face.

Like, yeah, look at this. And just show them how much money I had in the bank account. And then like, I remember like me and Rusty, we were going to have a meeting. And I was like, I don't know if we could have a meeting with this guy who worked for my uncle. And he's really. The only meeting that should start with me and Rusty had a meeting is an AA meeting. God. The fact that your friend is named Rusty is just the funniest.

The third. Rusty the third. I mean. So Rusty the third. I mean. So, Rusty the third. So funny. We were sitting in the conference room, and I'm like, dude, I was like, my uncle's associate was coming, and I knew he was 4'11", and he's a very little man. Yeah. And he has, like.

He's just, like, goxed, like, really high. Oh, my God. Like this. And I told Rusty, I go, look, I want to be mature about this. But I know that. You're going to laugh. Me and you in a room together. Is this a client?

It's our boss. Oh, God. So I go to Rusty, I go, look. This was before he was our boss. You are setting yourselves up to laugh more now. Well, I tell Rusty, I go, look, this was before he was our boss. You are setting yourselves up to laugh more now. Well, I tell Rusty, I go, look, just leave. Let me just do this on my own. He's like, dude, I got it.

And I go, how about this? I'll start the meeting. You walk by the conference room and you determine whether or not you think you can handle it. Did he walk by and just go, nope? He walked by and he goes. He just shakes his head and just keeps going because he knew. He knew. And we're like 25 years old.

You little asshole oh dude he would sit in my truck when i drive around my boss and his legs would just go straight out and be like i want to see the property and then that's the one that saw come on oh yeah that's the story i thought you were telling well he's short enough where he was like i line with it yeah i'd come all over my dress pants and he goes is that cum we're i was pumping gas and he goes is that cum he looked i go yeah and again just being wait you would just ejaculate in your work pants i'm so confused no he definitely masturbated the last time he wore them at like a wedding or something oh and then he just wiped it on the pants. Or his pants were on the ground when he was in his bed jerking off and he just grabbed them and like smeared his hand on the way to the bathroom or something.

Or his residue, I think. What do you mean? Like I jerked off, put the pants back on. While putting them back on, I still had a little bit of cum, post how are you alive and he's like is that cum i was like yeah it reminds me of the penis pump too yeah i mean i mean every story what is this and you just go that's my penis pump i think whenever i'm like i'd be really bad in a hostage or not oh God. You had an interrogation? Like, yeah. I would be terrible. Like, did you kill the man?

Yeah, I did. With what? Did you kill him with this gun? Yeah, that looks familiar. Wait, let me see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. Wait, on the other side,

does it have my initials? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I use the label maker. I put that on there. Andrew Collins gun. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I use the label maker. I put that on there. Andrew Collins gun. Yeah, that's mine. Yeah.

I'm terrible at lying. Are you good at that stuff? Yeah. No, I'm so bad at lying. And I hate it because it makes the person think, like, usually the only time I'm lying is for a prank or something that is going to be revealed right after it. But I am not, I hate it because I hate pranks because you just lead the person to believe one thing and whether or not you go,

I'm just kidding. There's a part of their brain, you know, like your, the body remembers. And especially if it's like trauma, if you're saying something traumatic to them, their brain is like physically changed by that thing you did.

And it doesn't go back and just erase it and if it does it leaves still these little you know when you like erase pencil but they're still a little behind yeah that's what the that's ptsd yeah it's it's it's like erasing it with one of those um oh my god i just got the worst feeling ever you know when you take the eraser out and you you could bite the metal oh don't do that why would you scratch it i don't know what i'm thinking about but is there anything worse than erasing something where the eraser is all the way down. I can't. And it's kind of scratching it. Oh, God, that's bad.

You ever not have a pencil sharpener and you just bite it until you can write with it? And then it gets in your teeth and it's just that little bit. Pencils? You know what? I don't like mechanical pencils. I love mechanical pencils because they're always sharp, but I hated when it would go like... It would of like wobble like it would just be a little too far out and it would be like it's like a car with no tires just wheels on gravel i love a pencil that's really sharp and you're writing on a clipboard like one piece of paper yeah on a clipboard it makes like a

it's like a perfect sound i like a husky pen i like a regular it's interesting how things can sound terrible the same thing can sound terrible. Like chalk on a chalkboard. I love the sound of it. But nails on a chalkboard. Hell. Pencil. Like a dull pencil.

Kill me. I kind of like chalk on my clothes. On my pants. I don't know why. It kind of just like. Oh my God. My worst nightmare was in gymnastics. Kirsten, I know you're listening. And you know what I'm about to say. Someone putting a chalk thing on your ass?

I can't even talk about it because it makes my teeth hurt. You know, like, maybe this isn't... First of all, I hate cotton balls. I hate... By the way, write in on what you hate. Like these life... Oh, I don't even... Yeah, like things that you just can't take.

That are the little things that you can't take. Honestly, pulling apart cotton balls is the grossest thing I can ever imagine. Making cotton go like... Or if you're wearing cotton... Brenna hates wearing socks. Socks are disgusting. Why? Socks are terrible.

I hate them. They have to be very thin. When you bend your knee in a pair of pants I don't want to see any fibers on the silhouette of your knee like say your knee was like a sun going over the horizon if you could see little fibers coming off of it and you tried to like pull

those fibers so my worst nightmare is chalky socks like but when we used to do gymnastics we'd put our shoes in a cubby with the chalk or with the socks and then you also had chalk for the parallel bar

or uneven bars and Kirsten would just sing where she she would be like chalky socks and she would take her socks and like get chalk on her hands and like put them on the sock and then she she'd like bite this sock like the very tip of the sock. I don't mind a whole bite of a chunk of a sock where it's all in your mouth.

A small bite. But a small bite where it's barely hanging on it. It might become threadbare. It's disgusting. But here's the thing. I like thread. I would take thread out of my shirt and cause a hole. Because I couldn't stop.

Once I get a little thread out, I'm going for all the thread. My thing is, as a lefty, mechanical pencils that spin on top are terrible. Because if you're a lefty, you close them while you're writing. So the mechanical pencil either has to be a bottom guy or a side guy. Lefties get this. Also lefties, we would get graphite or whatever. Yeah. Remember graphite being scared of like getting graphite poisoning?

No. Or lead poisoning from a pencil? Yes. Lead. Because you call it lead, but it's not really made of lead. But that was a thing that you were scared about. And then I remember I threw a pencil one time out the door. I tried to throw it out the door.

It hit someone? It hit the top of the door. So it went right into my finger. I still have it. What do you mean it hit the top of the door and went into your finger? You can literally see it. It doesn't make sense. Wait, the lead is in your finger?

Well, it's graphite. I thought it was lead. I thought as a young kid, I was like, I got lead poisoning. This is explaining so much. Noah, do you have any things that make you go, that make you want to talk like a grandma? Cover your teeth? You ever staple your finger, Noah?

No. Luckily, not. But I know a lot of- I know everyone kind of squirm. That causes blood. Have you ever stabbed yourself in the neck yet? Tissue. What do you hate, Noah?

Wait, she hates the knee. The behind the knee grab. The behind the knee grab. I can't stand it. It drives me crazy. Nails on a chalkboard or just like grinding teeth. Like if I hear someone grinding their teeth, it just makes me crazy. I hate cracking

fingers like i like a good like a really um like a i don't know what the name like a thumb crack i don't mind when it sounds like a like a snap like a lighter snap it's disgusting but if it's like a cool like if it's like a neck crack i don't mind because it's like a thick bone but if it's like a neck crack, I don't mind because it's like a thick bone. But if it's like a tick, like finger cracks, disgusting. Oh, when they pull your toes at a massage. Oh! God, stop that. I don't mind if you like rip my bunion knuckle because it's a thicker bone, but I don't want that little thin crispy.

I don't like the finger pull because I bite my nails and I think they're judging me because they could feel the fact that my nails feel like they've been bitten by a beaver. You think they're judging me because they could feel the fact that my nails feel like they've been bitten by a beaver. You think they're judging your nails when they're doing a full body massage on you? That's the one place they're focusing in on? Andrew and I got massages yesterday. I could also crack my knuckles more during college

and I thought I had a disease. Yeah, well that's a common theme in your life. Yeah. Maybe it was the lead. From the lead turkey tear. We got to go. Let's go to break and come back with. And come back with the news.

Oh, wait, no. Let's just start the news. Wait, I do want to talk about our massage yesterday, though. Okay. What was your experience? We went to this massage place, and they thought we were a couple, and they took us into a room to get couples massages, and we were like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah. And then they took us to another room and just put up a light curtain in between us and i'm like oh this is pretty much the same thing yeah i'm like can i like have my space because like i snore i feel like i was gonna be rude because i snore during my massages a lot of times how do you know you snore um so i sometimes wake myself up with snoring no way you want to know something very funny did i ever tell you people don't know they snore because when they wake up they're not snoring anymore and they think they just woke up from a scent like i've heard people men that i've been next to on a couch if they're snoring they'll wake themselves up with a snore yes the thing that wakes you don't know what the sound is that wakes you up you just wake up and then it's gone you know what i'm saying no i'm pretty sure i knew one time i farted one time i farted out my

nose no one time i farted during a massage and i was naked like and the towel was down below my knee and when i farted my reaction was to cover my ass with the with the with the blanket like that was like so awkward did you wake yourself up with the fart yeah and so you just like rushed to do something and that was your reaction it's so funny what we do when we're like in a panicked state in those moments and you're like i just gave it away so much and what was I covering up? Was I covering the smell of the fart? Was I scared of the fart? Was I mad?

Debris that might have been spewed into the air? Yeah, and she laughed for five minutes while massaging me. Oh my God. I remember getting massaged and the girl was so sick while massaging me. What? Like she was sniffling? Yeah.

That's a big thing. I could have swore she sneezed on like my back and was rubbing snot into my back and I just took it. Oh, I've seen that on like some kind of video where people... Snot back? Where they spit on the person's face and they're making it seem like they're giving them like a facial and like putting on like different

like warm, you know, elixirs and it's just spit um andrew yesterday's massage yes will you go back because we yeah for sure we got an hour full body and then yeah for a full body and then we did a half hour foot massage but when she started doing my feet she sucked so bad at the feet part that i go we're cutting this short i'm not doing an extra half hour feet and i didn't realize an extra half hour feet. I didn't realize that the half hour feet was being put in the middle of the full body, so then it was just cut short. You know what I'm saying?

Also, an hour and a half, what are you doing with your life? You've got to be retired. I know. I was like, who am I to get a 90-minute massage? Then I watched four hours of TV with no issue yeah you probably could have got another half hour pretty easily that massage was really good but i wanted her

to focus i it's it's so weird because i want to go get my like i want to get my bunions like worked on and tortured and one time i went to this place in new york that was like guaranteed to do what i wanted someone to do my bunions which is like really hurt them and like try to break them off and like, you know, just get all that like built up callous and like calcification, just like get it out. And she went and she's like, so where's the pain?

Where does it bother you? And I'm like, Oh, it doesn't. I want you to cause pain. Cause the pain. I was like, I realized what I want is not them to feel better i want someone to

make me feel worse like when i go in for a massage i don't want to walk out and go i've been to before where she's like did we fix it and i go um yeah and i'm mad like i want there to be pain after the fact i don't want it to go away i just want you to torture that muscle and just like make it hurt and i don't really care if it goes away i just want it to keep hurting interesting i thought you might want it to hurt because you know at the end of that will be no pain no i like muscle pain and i like pain on feet and i like i'm not i'm not i get what you're saying because i where do i go for that because people always want to heal you and i'm like no no no that's not what i want i want you to hurt me well it sounds like you need a dominatrix

yeah you gotta get on the craigslist i i think like um you're right i get that though like after i work like pain makes you feel like you accomplish something yeah yeah that's like my whole that's what it is like the only thing that makes me feel like I'm able to enjoy anything is if I've suffered first. Or after. Or daring. Daring. The whole time. Yeah.

Just a lot of suffrage. Can you try to say during like during? No, I'd rather you be painful. Turkey tear. Turkey tear. Chalk Chalk. Let's go to break and come back with the news. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show,

which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews

and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Alright, let's get to the news. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first.

Alright, it's Thursday, folks. You know what that means. It's not Viernes, it is Hueves. Hope you're having all the swells. We are down here in Cabo, shooting a show, Perfect Strangers. Season 2. Season 2. It's pretty good.

Balky's here. He's addicted to heroin. It's pretty cool. Alright. Hotel workers reveal the most shocking things left behind by guests. Oh, wow. Okay. Lube inside a phone. phone i know the puddle of lube that was on my nightstand an employee he used to work at a hotel in las vegas trip a high roller left 328 grand 328 000 inside a suite in the safe so safe the safe. You got to return that.

I mean, that's not. And they came back for that, right? You're not just like misplacing that. Yeah. And not calling back to the hotel and just being like, you know what? It was meant. I wasn't ever meant to have it.

You're not pulling up. I'd say they clean the safe after you leave, I guess. They probably open it back up so that they can. Oh, yeah. The next guy can come. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

Okay. $320,000. You know how much money you have to have to leave behind three hundred and twenty eight thousand maybe not that much and you're just a fucking degenerate but anyways a housekeeper found hundreds of live hundreds of live crickets in a room well that sounds like the place i'm staying right now i found those we threw crickets inside our own fraternity house to as pledges to fuck with like people that live there because you can't get rid of crickets they're oh wait and you're going to live there

eventually right yeah eventually yeah and you know that the people living there aren't going to take care of that issue ever well that's why i burnt down the house oh my god okay uh someone said they found a literal crack pipe in a freezer. Okay. I bet that's been found. I bet a lot of people have found those. Yeah. I don't know why literal. Is this sourced from Reddit? Oh, literal crack pipe in freezer. Okay.

In another room, the bathtub was full of dirty diapers. That's fucked up. Oh, God. Worst part was that someone had taken a shit on the bed. It's not a smear of shit. An actual fucking large turd. Oh, my God. And I mean, they did it.

I don't want to hear this. I'm staying at a, what is the most embarrassing thing you've left or you've forgotten at a hotel? Oh, Oh God. Um, dignity. I,

um, I don't know. That's a good question because I, I think there have been things I've left behind that I go, well, has to go um I think it's just generally um well you know today I was the maid's probably gonna come by later and I had I definitely did some stuff to myself last night and had a bed full of accoutrement and uh I put it all in a charcuterie board and i was thinking i very easily could have forgotten to put all of that in because usually when i'm at home i just like leave it in the bed to find it later because i'm just like you know i only use one portion of my various like you know my

queen size bed i mean you only use like maybe less than a twin size amount of it so um yeah i just threw it in the drawer afterwards and uh probably maybe just like gross food you know like i used to just eat really disgusting things so i think like a lot of but i always try to clean it up in a way that they're not having to like actually do gross things with it um you do the thing like when people don't eat all their peas so they like spread it around yeah well i just package it up you know in a way that yeah but it's like you try to make it more presentable while it's still there i my room was really dirty when i moved like i just had a bunch of things and she organized it so well and i just felt so bad like having to organize like just little

things i know i know that i should definitely tip your maids oh i'm gonna tip the have definitely Please tip your maids. Oh, I'm going to tip the shit out of her. Please tip hotel maids. And it's going to be a different maid, Andrew. You don't know which one did it. You got to find that one. Yeah.

You go down to the front desk and you go whoever clean blah, blah, blah room and then you leave money for them. True. That's where it's at. Hopefully she stole from you. I hope so too.

My passport's gone. But I did a segment on my show Not Safe with Maids where I asked them like, what was the most disgusting things that they found? Or like, what's the thing in the room that's the grossest? And it's obviously like the top sheet thing that they never wash that like always take off the top sheet. If you're staying at like a cheap hotel,

generally at nice hotels, they wash the duvet, I think. But pillows, they said, are so disgusting. The pillows. I love when a whole like organization like it's one thing to not wash your own duvet when you live alone or whatever but i just love a whole company that like is like they're like it's well like when they're so hard to put on a bed they probably think that if we if we only wash these once a month we're probably saving hundreds of thousands of dollars over the course of several years in terms of the labor it takes the hours that it yes yes if we're playing these people hourly a duvet is a big part of that i just love when a culture of one becomes like

thousands of lazy you know what i mean it's just so funny to me like because duvets are there's gotta be a better way i mean i i was taking there's the burrito you had your duvet that you left on your queen-size bed yeah like i i changed the sheets on car on the bed that you left because i was like there's no way these have been changed they were there was no because brenna oh there were stains no but it was just they were used it was calm but i definitely changed the duvet and and I did it with my fingernails. Do you know what I'm saying? I was just like, ugh.

It wasn't that bad. I just don't want – listen, I have tons of fluids all over mine, but they're my fluids. They're your fluids. I don't want to touch your fluids, and I don't want to touch Brenna's fluids either. I don't want to touch anyone's fluids, but duvets are so disgusting. Why do we even have them?

Sheets are so gross, and it's so funny. Jim Gaffigan has a great bit about hotels, how we would never buy a used mattress. You'd be like, you've bought a used mattress. You'd never buy used towels or a used robe, but we go to a hotel,

and that has been used so many fucking times. You might even buy the used robe, because you're like, this is so luxurious. It's been worn by like hundreds of people. I wonder, whatever it is at Google's, never mind. Like a duvet that doesn't come off. And then you can just wash the blanket without, like, why is that not a thing? Yeah, they do. That's what they put in.

A blanket is what you put inside the duvet, but you put it in there so you protect it so you don't have to wash it because there are pains in the ass to wash. I think it's called a comforter. Yeah, a comforter. Yeah. Okay, next news story.

I'm 41. All right, Spotify is in the process of removing Neil Young's catalog. How long does it take to remove something? Oh, yeah. How long is in the process? A duvet is way longer than removing. Give me a fucking break.

When people say, well, it has to upload and just take it off, things are so fast digitally. In the process, what do they have to do? Slowly type in his name and then select all and then delete boom done i mean you know and then like really only horse with no name is the only song that has a lot of listens and guess what um good for neil young he didn't think that was gonna make them actually you know well he's coming out with a new album it was good whoever thought of it there's he doesn't need any more money but the thing is half his catalog is sold so he's not 150 million dollars 150 million dollars he sold it well you don't think

it has anything to do with him coming out with a new album people always want more no i think he actually is standing up for what's right i mean a lot of people are fucking sick of this i know but it's just the timing of information the timing of it i mean you can be suspect you're suspect about everything no i'm not i'm not i'm such not a conspiracy i see ufos i'll just be like oh that's a no you think they're coming out with a new fucking tour huh they want to announce aliens every time there's a UFO, you think those aliens are going out with a new tour they're trying to promote. Yeah. And then the new movie, Alien 7, coming out.

No. I just think that it's a weird time. I just think that you still want more money whenever you... You want more fame, especially when you're older. This is a way for him to be in the news. How else is he going to be in the news?

I think... Kanye does shit like that all the time. I know. People do it all the news. How else is he going to be in the news? I think... Kanye does shit like that all the time. People do it all the time. Neil Young has always been someone who is a protester. He stands up for what's right and loves America and is just a...

But then people are like, if you stand up for what's right and freedom of speech, but then you're trying to silence Joe Rogan. And Joe Rogan thinks he's doing the same thing. Yeah, I know. I know. The problem is why Trump was taken off Twitter is because it leads to people being harmed.

Freedom of speech is only protected under the guise of you're not harming anyone. Yes. And spreading misinformation about climate change and the vaccine and COVID,'re not harming anyone. And spreading misinformation about climate change and the vaccine and COVID is harming people. And Spotify claimed that they removed 20,000 other podcast

episodes. And also they removed 40 episodes of Joe Rogan's so it's not that he doesn't have any of his podcasts removed. I don't listen to Joe Rogan, like actively to Joe Rogan's podcast so I don't know what's going on but you know i just heard recently that he's had you know brett weinstein i listened to both of those podcasts or jordan peter and he's not like forcing anyone to

do anything because he's just talking so i don't saying what he believes yeah it's it's the problem the problem is he's not even saying anything he believed. He just asked questions of these doctors. I've seen quotes where he's like, if I were a young person, I would not get the vaccine. He gives advice. So I have seen those quotes before, specifically. Also, the doctors he has on...

Apparently, they talked about there's no climate change and saying that scientists are making this up. Neil Young? That's where i i like i the covet stuff i just like i'm just tired of even paying attention to any of it but when someone questions climate change i just what would be the point of doing that like who's making money off of spreading misinformation about the climate being destroyed? You can find doctors that, like, whatever your narrative is, it can be your narrative.

You know, that Trump doctor that leans back in his chair. Yeah, with the long hair and stuff. And everyone's like, man, he's a doctor, though. He went to, you know, John Hopkins 48 years ago. Yes. But he also, you know, killed nine people. But I, you know, I love Joe Rogan. I think he's a nice guy.

And I do not listen to his show, so I don't understand. But I just read some also you know killed nine people but i you know i love joe rogan i think he's a nice guy and uh so and i do not listen to his show so i don't understand but i just read some you know and maybe the headline i read was totally i did see a video of rogan on tiktok of tiktok and uh and uh he had this guy on and he was like myocarditis whatever some shit with your heart is caused by the vaccine and young people more than covid and the guy's like that's not true like covid actually it's like you're six times more likely to get it and joe rogan's like no i read different and the guy's like no you're wrong and joe's like no i saw it pull it up and then he starts reading it and it's like he's definitely wrong like rogan's wrong oh wow and uh and they and you just see him go well and then he goes well who wrote this and it's just like but that's what

you use like the other way and that's what everyone does is i read this thing and you go you read it but he uses publications that fit his narrative like that's where i like i'm just like one clip from a three-hour show i think like it's just you have to remember that clips tell one story and then the whole show tells that clip had all the context from it yeah of three hours i know but i mean i look that clip was exactly it's exactly what happened in that two minutes whatever it was i think like the guy claimed joe claimed something that wasn't true the guy claimed something that argued it and then he's was proven wrong and then said the publication was wrong if joe would have looked up something

and it would have proved him right he would be like see it's right of course but if it's who wrote that yeah yeah that's all yeah mean, that's what everyone does when something. And he addressed it after the fact. Like he he talked about that clip. I don't remember what he said because it was a little bit ago, but at least he like owned up to it or like addressed it and explained what he meant or whatever. Look, I don't have like I just think like I don't know. I just think that he whatever you feel about the vaccine. I'm definitely like I think people should take it that even if he's just questioning it, him questioning it and makes people then like not want to take it. Yeah, but it's you know.

So it is what it is. But I just what the issue issue is is he needs to realize the power he has and what he wants to do with that power like it's it's no there's he's just a guy he believes he's doing something good with that power that's so did hitler the thing oh come on you can't you can't do that i'm not saying i know that's an extreme but everyone thinks you're doing good. Right, like Hitler thought he was doing something good. Yeah, he thought he was doing the right, yeah. You can't compare the two.

I'm not saying Joe Rogan's Hitler. I'm saying the thought process of like, well, he thinks he's doing the right thing. That doesn't just apply. Alex Jones thinks he's doing the right thing when he says Sandy Hook is a hoax. You know what I mean? He thought he was doing the right thing

by showing what's really going on. I mean, truly, anyone who gives that guy a platform, Alex Jones, after what he's done to those families of that lost children in Sandy Hook, that's the biggest issue I've ever... There's a great Sam Harris podcast about that recently. Those people have had... Do you know that Sandy Hook people have had do you know

that sandy hook parents have had to relocate like move 10 times some of them because they are they got doxxed and people stalk them constantly saying that they're fake yeah that they're actors and these kids kids were it's like the worst thing i've ever heard the fact that alex jones is allowed to have ever a microphone in front of his face is despicable that he's caused that for those people. And the problem is the nut jobs who take this shit seriously. Yeah, I tend to not have as much of a I don't care if people question things or whatever. But it's like you're also like smart. I don't know.

I just think like dumber people will take whatever you say and then like multiply it by a ton. Yes. You know what I mean? We have to realize that people are. Like Rogan will look at things. We were talking about a comedian today who I think is trash and like one of the dumbest people. Like the worst comedians going. And we were talking about someone who opens for them and

like we don't think that person's that funny and you were like and it's just like weird that this person who opens the girl that opens for this guy thinks that she's really funny and i go and like post these clips where she's killing. And I go, yeah, because those audiences are fucking stupid. They'll laugh at any, if you went up in front of those audiences, you would fucking kill. These people are morons and they need to be entertained too.

But it's like, it's not even, it's there's, you wonder, is it the person who's doing it or the person, the people who are listening? And also these people have money stupid people have money too let's wrap this up and go to fanthrax all right noah what do you have for us this week okay i have a really fun story from Sophia to start with. Okay.

Hey, Nikki, Andrew, and Noah. Okay, this is really random, but I was listening to today's episode. We were talking about breathing heavily on Game Boy games to try to get them to work again. And it just brought back this memory that I always thought was so weird. So I wanted to share this with you guys I was a dancer and whatever the cd would skip in the studio um our crazy ass dance teacher would be like just flush them so it was kind of like an honor if you got to take the cd to the toilet we would put it in the toilet and flush. So just circle around the toilet to, like, clean it.

Oh, and it wouldn't go down. We would stick our hands back in the toilet bowl, take out the CD, dry it, and give it back to her. Oh. And it would work. That's so weird. And the CD would skip again. What? Yeah, I'm not really sure if that was that was like legal to make us put our hands

in the toilets but we all thought it was really fun i don't know just wanted to share that wait why not the sink why the toilet because it would swirl around oh and it's kind of cool because it doesn't go down the drain and so it's just fun as a kid to like put something in the toilet and flush it and watch it go like and also why did that work and do you remember how many different techniques there were to make your cd not skip i used to lick it like uh yeah you were in a toilet bowl you were to take it on my jeans and i would scrub it like i would spin it around on my jeans but that's probably where it got crud and then it would skip because of the no it would fix it and then it would eventually skip again but but why would it skip again, too? Like, why does it decide to skip?

But why? Because it got scratched. Doing what? What was going on in there? Just, like, being bouncing around. Different things. And you're, you know, in the... I mean, I was...

You must have been terrible with CDs if I was. Oh, my God. I'm so jealous of people who had, like, organized books with, like, all the liner notes and everything. I'd have a book. I'd start with a book. I'd fill it up. And then slowly the CDs were on the ground.

It's like the first day of school. I had two CDs left that were good. And it was Hootie and the Blowfish because I didn't listen to it. It was like two CDs that got played twice. And I had one song on it. Any CD I wanted was just like... Looked like Freddy. I have Like, any CD I wanted was just like. What?

Looked like Freddy. I have so many CDs that I've collected, and I cannot listen to any of them because there's no way to play CDs anymore. No. There's no CD players ever. Sometimes you'll get in a car that's still, like a rental car still has it. But I used to love, God, CDs were so satisfying when they'd go. And you'd like feed the player and it'd go like

and it would eat it and then it would go like Do you remember having a 10 CD changer to be like... The cartridge that you put in your car in the middle and the click. I miss clicks. You don't get as many clicks anymore.

I love satisfying machines just going like, please, girl. Okay, next Panther. I like a CD player where you close the yellow one that you get that little clip. Oh, it was a tape player maybe. The yellow, it was like a yellow Walkman that was stronger. It was a sports Walkman. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just love a crunchy clothes.

Or an old car phone that you would clip in. When you go... Oh, my God. Have you played that game yet? Dad, pay attention to me. On TikTok, where they try to recreate noises.

I don't know. It's like, okay, Andrew, you want to play it really quick? Yeah. Just really quick. Okay, make this noise. No, no, no, no, no. With your mouth. It's not great okay give me one okay any

noise wow that's good all right give me one more give me one more i wasn't trying okay wait noah you get one too okay one second hold on that was me writing your name on a piece of paper okay next next fanthrax they all sound like eating doritos yeah everyone here's victor hey nikki and jernoa uh my name is victor i just wrapped up catching up on all the episodes. Definitely a big fan of yours and the podcast. Thanks, Victor. I wanted to comment on episode 14 and the story of Nikki entering a party and Andrew doesn't recognize her for a second. So Nikki breaks into a silly dance to try to avoid the sexualization. I thought that was one of the funniest stories of all of the podcast.

And that reminded me of in college, me and my friends had a senior house and we never closed the front door. But there was a screen door. So if somebody did enter, you know, the whole house could hear it. And I don't know why this started, but eventually, you know, anytime one of us comes in through the front door, we'd all be like, oh, look who it is. Look who's here and just kind of, you know, give of us comes in through the front door we'd all be like oh look who it is look who's here and just kind of you know give each other and you know long after this precedent was set one day um i'm in the living room i can't see the front door but obviously i hear it open and i immediately jump into oh look who it is and then i just see some mail drop into the hallway and it was our post office you know person delivering mail um because you know we don't have a mailbox and obviously the door's not closed so they can't use the little slit so we just kind of open the screen door and toss it in and i was so embarrassed and my

roommates never let me live it down oh i hope you enjoy the story uh again the fucking federal worker doing his job yeah yeah yeah look at what it is oh fucking mr shit state it's so embarrassing when you talk to someone in a way that you usually talk to someone honest it's honesty again just go like oh it reminds me of the swingers scene when the guy's at the door they're like is he brown is he is he clean does he want to have sex i don't know you you reference swingers all the time. It's lost on me. I think twice.

No, I hear swingers references so often. Sometimes I think I'm in 1998. Oh, come on. Why does every man in my life know that movie so well? Why do you all feel so seen by it? Because there's sad men calling women over and over, whatever it is. All right. Next fan.

Thank you, Victor. That was great. Oh, yeah. Let's go to the final thought okay here's um a voicemail from sarah hi nikki andrew and noah this is sarah oh my god i'm just going to share that i made my mom listen to the podcast and oh my god my sweet irish christian mother has been making anal jokes non-stop to anyone who listen um i swear this bitch has had a sexual awakening at the ripe age of 65 since becoming a bestie and man what a gift um yeah i also just wanted to say a quick thank you to nikki for replying to a dm i sent about eating disorder recovery stuff um it was really nice to have someone give it to me straight as this is what worked for me

take or leave it instead of preaching um but yeah gay recovery a new angle at the weekend and i feel so good about everything so thank you nikki um yeah you guys are all absolute sweethearts I love the podcast so much thank you what was her name Sarah I love you so much I think I wanted to read me anything I wish she told us one of the anal jokes

I know I want to hear what your mom I just want to hear her voice after hearing her mom talk about her asshole yeah that's if you have a binge eating disorder, just get your mom to talk about anal a lot, and then you'll stop binging. Sarah, that was so nice.

And I believe you're the same Sarah that often watches the Instagram Lives, and I think I remember talking to you just very recently. So thank you for saying that and reaching out. And I love the way you say mother, mother, mother. I'm a mother. Mother. Oh. Her Christian soul.

She listened to it and now she talks about eating shit. I'm like wondering how Sarah found us. You know, sometimes I wonder how we, how people even find this podcast. Part of me like envisions her like, like in a, in like, like hills of green of Ireland. Oh yes. And somehow she came across

this little like like ipod like alan she's like what's on here and then it's like i take it in the ass she's like oh my mother needs to hear this and then she runs back to her village and i picture like someone was at one of our shows and got a Nikki Glaser podcast sticker and it blew in the wind and then it traveled across the Atlantic and landed on the green slopes of Ireland. And she was like out collecting milk or something in a bucket. And then it like blew up to her foot and she goes, oh, what's this mother? And then she reaches down. And I was like, it's a sticker of the Nikki Glaser podcast. And then she goes, oh, she looks like a fine lass.

And then she typed it into her local library. Because they didn't have. I don't know why I'm making this like she's living in the 1800s. Yeah, meanwhile, she's in Liverpool in a high rise with her mom. Liverpool's not in Ireland, by the way. No, Liverpool, like a pool made of Liverpool. What? Okay, we gotta wrap.

Do we have time for one more? Sorry, Sarah, that we just mocked your life. Let's get this message from McKay. mckay mckay mcchrispy hey gang it's mckay here a huge fan of the show nikki i really just loved your attitude the other day um towards men with smaller penises um i've actually made it my life mission to always share this story I have about a time where I met a man and he actually had a micropenis and he was really hesitant to show me,

which was totally fine. You know, I'm sure it'd been like a really embarrassing experience in the past, but honestly, I was okay with it because he didn't really want to do anything sex wise. But when I tell you his finger popping game was absolutely immaculate I mean his tongue game was great too but really I've just never come so hard off of someone fingering me alone and so yeah just I always just want to share with all men all men because you know there's there's the too small the too small, the too big and the just right. And all men should just know how to please those of us with vaginas without their penis. There's, there's so many other body parts that you can use that will get the job done. And honestly,

probably better. Um, so yeah, I just wanted to throw that out there too, just because I feel like that is on everyone who is sleeping with someone with a penis. Like we just wanted to throw that out there too just because i feel like that is on everyone who is sleeping with someone with a penis like we just have to keep educating them on how vaginas work yay yeah love you guys have a great day what a great close to the show yes i i feel like the best organisms i've had in bed have been with fingers and obviously toys, but really above penises. Penises do feel great. There's a connection to be had when there's one inside you.

It does feel good, but I gotta be honest. The best orgasms are finger induced. So unless you have micro fingies, but that's not, you know, any comments? okay for once oh wait you closed with no i like that did you just realize what you did i didn't but that was a great fucking dude you just did it yeah i know that but that was great good job just let's end it now before i say anything

sentence uh thank you guys so much for listening. Have such a good weekend. And don't be cut out there. And Jack. Dude's by the pool. Liver pool. In the pool made of livers. After.

Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show. And he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.