The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #168 FLUBA

Episode Date: February 1, 2022

Nikki and Andrew are hanging before an NFL game he needs to watch. Andrew explains why he ate coleslaw with his fingers and Nikki kind of wants a toucan but doesn't want it to become trendy. Andrew thinks his skin looks younger after using a TNS cream, which might have foreskin in it. While he feels joy, Nikki is working through her depression and shares a video that encapsulates it. You Heard It Here First: sex tapes and spy cams, get over Janet Jackson's boob and is counting chickens a sign of poor mental health? They make the case for their Top1 Bottom 1 chips before getting hungry and wrapping the show. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Here's Nikki. Hello. Here I am. Good morning. Good afternoon. Good night. It's the evening when people get this. Maybe it'll be midday. We don't know. Hi everyone. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Don't want to lie to you guys, we were recording this on Sunday. Nick, what?

But I want to talk about football and you like you might obviously it's decided already who's going oh yeah to the super bowl unless there's some insane overtime yeah yeah it's still going on um how how long can it go overtime i mean i guess for the playoffs, forever. No, not forever. I mean, yeah. I mean, there's ties in the regular season. Right. So it doesn't go on forever. So then it gets to the next game, I guess.

So they just couldn't score forever? Yeah. Or maybe, yeah. Or they keep scoring exactly the same amount of points. Have the Bengals ever been this far? Because the Bengals are my parents. It's Cincinnati. I'm from there.

My parents, I think, are excited. They haven't got this far in about 30 years. Noah's been hanging with my parents, but I have not talked to them. Yeah, they're fair-weathered fans. And anything Cincinnati, my dad's obsessed with. I think the Bengals, the last time they got really far, they lost by like 50 points. Like something embarrassing.

Boomer Esiason was like their quarterback. Lefty with blonde hair. Oh, yeah, Boomer. I remember that. That was like the 80s. Your mom thought he was your actual father for a while. I wish. What's he up to?

Did he CTE out? No, he's still talking. Okay. Do you really know that? Is he likeTE out? No, he's still talking. Okay. Do you really know that? Is he like a correspondent? Yeah, it is interesting. Either you talk the most or you can't talk at all when it comes to football after. Like either you're a correspondent or you're not a correspondent.

Or we don't even. Oh, shit. Do you guys want to know the longest overtime? Yeah. Ever in NFL? Yeah. Or like NFL? Yeah. Or like, is this like? It was between the Dolphins and the Chiefs.

Okay. What year? Hold on. Let me make sure I'm reading this correctly. I think in 1971. Oh, yeah. Maybe. I don't know.

I might be reading this wrong, but it was 82 minutes and 40 seconds. I don't know sports. Whoa. You would't know. I might be reading this wrong, but it was 82 minutes and 40 seconds. I don't know sports. Whoa. You would love that. Wouldn't you love that? Just anything to keep it going longer? Is that like what a sports fan likes?

Well, a lot of people actually hate. I mean, I don't know how technical you want to get. No, I don't want to get any technical. I don't know how deep you want to get. I would like you to stop corresponding right now. What's that? What's that, Boomer? Remember when we went to the...

Wait a second. I got Boomer on. Is he talking to you from the afterlife because he may have done a CT at this point? No, he's just talking to himself again. Damn it. You just ate... Wait, what's that?

You ate the end of the bread? Jesus Christ. You ate the end of the bread on purpose? Wait, is that a thing? Is that a side effect of CT? Yeah, you ate the end of the loaf, that bad piece of bread. Are you someone who doesn't like the crust?

Crust at all? You like anything. Huh? You like anything. I'm not a crust head. But if the crust is the only thing that is there, you will eat it. So we're talking about the very end piece. We're talking about a guy who ate coleslaw with his fingers yesterday in front of the public.

Yeah, and you said, use a fry and i said what do you think i call my fingers they do look like fries look at these things i mean all fingers kind of look like fries yours look more like mcdonald's fries and mine look like uh the ones that no one would eat yours look like wedges yeah they do if you put sour cream some cheese and a little bit of chili on these things but honestly you eating uh coleslaw with your fingers was something that someone would do is like a funny thing but you were doing it not to get me to film it it was just were you trying was there any part of you that was like, I'll wait till she goes to the bathroom to do this

because I know that this will be so, this will get her attention? Well, here's the thing. I was going to go straight to mouth, like just eat it out. Oh yeah, like, I've done that. I do that with the wrappers of my protein bars.

The chocolate gets so melty and I just like, yeah, get it in my tongue. Also, coleslaw to me, there's a lot of different kinds of col protein bars. The chocolate gets so melty and I just like, yeah, get it in my tongue. Also, coleslaw, to me, there's a lot of different kinds of coleslaw.

I like extra mayonnaise in mine. Oh, God. I just wanna. I hate a wet coleslaw. Like, if it's watery and just like,

no, there's, there's good coleslaw. I also like very chopped up coleslaw. But, there's a whole thing. like minced. When it's not stringy cabbage. Yeah, I just wanna start a show where you just eat coleslaw i also like very chopped up coleslaw but there's a whole like minced when it's not stringy

cabbage yeah i just want to start a show where you just eat coleslaw that's some good slaw it's called good slaw that's slaw folks that's oh man that's some good slaw i really want to start a tiktok account for you called good slaw good slaw and we just give you different slaws and you eat it with your fingers and you say whether it's a good slaw or not yeah it's like uh the barstool guy without yeah without all the sexual harassment not quite as much just a little less i felt sexually harassed watching you eating your fingers it's honestly very uh eating i always say eating pudding in the dark in the middle of the night is out of the thing.

Without a spoon is the most sexiest, the most sexual thing I've ever done in my life. No fingers. Just straight to the mouth. Oh, yeah. Emmy Blotnick used to have a joke about how she would do cunnilingus on pudding cups. Fuck. I know. Sorry, man.

Well, here's the thing. Jen, who we ate dinner with or lunch with yeah she i i go that's my utensils to her all you have to do is get you there's no excuse i know someone took your utensils but you just get more ones she should get the fork for me so i guess it was kind of why didn't you her to? I was rebelling against her stealing my fork by eating with my hands. Gotcha. Okay. I kind of... I don't know if that helped me. It was so...

It just seemed like something you would do for a bit and it was just a real honest thing. I was hungry. I wanted some slaw and you know... But you waited... You did the thing where you wait till the end of your meal because you think I'm probably not going to eat that. Because it was like your dessert. You know what it looked like?

It looked like the way a baby would eat macaroni. Yes. Yeah. I do have baby hands. Those little tots. My buddy was on, I told you about that, when he was on Real World in New Orleans, and the girl gave him the nickname Baby Hands. Oh, hands oh god i mean you can't come back from that you know he also had a really like messed up leg

i don't remember this so obviously he could come back from it so but she she dated her he dated he went on like two dates with her and she called him baby hands yeah little baby hands it's ringing kind of a bell what was his name little baby hands. It's ringing kind of a bell. What was his name? Matt Baby Hands. And he had a really messed up leg. He got it cut up in a boat, like, not an engine. Yeah, a propeller. Propeller. Yeah.

And you would have, you know, I like that she didn't lead with that. I like that she, you know, most people would go straight for it. Mangled leg. Yeah, machete leg. I made it. Machete leg Matt. would go straight for it. Mangled leg. Yeah, machete leg. I made it. The old machete leg Matt. He's cool with it. I bet you were like, oh my God, dodged a bullet. Because I bet you have smaller hands.

Did you have as small of hands as him? Because you have. He's smaller than me. Oh, okay. Were you guys so excited for him to be on the show at first? And then he's like, guys, I got to tell you. Or did he not tell you before it aired? I know they were. I'm pretty sure if you type in Matt in the jacuzzi they were in a jacuzzi

and she goes oh my god you have such small hands yeah you got a little baby hands humiliating and then i think they actually wrote baby hands like like on on his little chiron his lower yeah baby i might be making this up but i'm'm swearing. Yeah, no, no, no. It seems like something they do. Yeah. You know in The Bachelorette when someone's on the show and they're just like a hot girl?

Yeah. One time they're just like, they wrote twin underneath. Like that was her job was like she's a twin. What? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah.

Like they just don't have. She had nothing else going on. No. Like our chicken girl. Girl who like has a chicken. Speaking of birds, God, that toucan that you sent. I knew you were going to love that video. I'm so obsessed with it.

It made me feel different about birds. I always said if you can't cuddle anything, why is that? That people are going to see that video and want to get toucans because if I, knowing what birds, like being an animal rights enthusiast, I want a toucan, idiots are going to want toucans now. You know what I'm saying? And they're just like,

I'll do anything to get my daughter a toucan and then they'll get, and the toucan will not be as sweet as this toucan. But man, this toucan is so cute. His name is Chester. What did he do for the people who weren't on our text thread? Okay, I got it.

Chester's so affectionate when i have company over he really likes somebody he'll come over and bring them a raspberry he'll bring them a raspberry and give them a little gift to say that he loves them he's little and he's got a big beak like a toucan thank you and he i am shocked at how cuddly chester is he always wants to be in my shirt or laying on my chest. He cuddles so much. He likes to get inside her shirt and just cuddle up in her shirt. He loves to get petted and he loves to make this sound. Listen to the sound.

That's the sound he makes when it's... And then sometimes he gets in the shower. That's my favorite. And there's just misting in the shower. And he just leans back his head and he closes his eyes and he just goes oh it made me feel different about birds it really did i didn't think you could cuddle a bird and i was proven wrong so no they're so sweet they get really gentle and sweet but it just made me a little bit worried that because now i want a toucan and i've never wanted a toucan and now i'm just worried there's going to be so many rich people being like my daughter should have a toucan

and they do whatever they can yeah and they and now toucans are going to be this marketed thing and they're going because what they do when they want to get birds for pets is they go and they take their bait the eggs out of a live nest in the forest and then they steal the eggs and these babies have to grow up as pets now in cages. It's terrible. And that's why birds should never be,

you should never get a new bird that's been raised or like, you know, bred. You don't get bred birds. You don't want it bred out of the egg. You get a bird that's been, you know, bread. You don't get bread birds. You don't want it right out of the egg. You get a bird that's been, you know, they've been surrendered or their owner has died. Also, a bird lives long enough where you don't need it as a puppy.

Like, I don't even know what a bird puppy is like. Yeah, and baby birds aren't even that cute. Yeah, you don't need a puppy bird. Well, what do you call a puppy bird? Baby bird? Baby bird. A little chick. A chick.

There's got to be a name for a two canny. A one can. Yeah. You ever hook up with a guy with a tuna can for a cock? A hatchling. A hatchling. A hatchling. Thank you.

Yeah, when they're just like, they have sparse feathers and they're going. Yeah, yeah. You don't need that. And they don't have eyes yet. Their eyes are closed. They're so, yeah, yeah. You don't need that. They don't have eyes yet. They're just, eyes are closed. They're so, so sweet.

Oh my God. My, my sister's baby just stopped being a hatchling. Oh, you know, like when they just look like they look like they just came out and now forest is like looking like he's like making faces and things like that. It's very exciting.

He's smiling. And I'm just like, he was, my sister sent a video of forest, just napping. And he like yawns. It's very exciting. He's smiling. And I'm just like, he was, my sister sent a video of Forrest just napping and he like yawns and then he smiles. And my dad wrote back to the chat,

I'm sure he's dreaming about his grandpa. And it was just like, oh God, stop making his smiles about you. Yeah. I'm sure he's thinking

about my cat. No, he was being sweet. I'm sure. But like, the idea that Forrest was dreaming about his grandpa is insane. He's dreaming about your dad's tuna can. No, what is this tuna can thing you're asking? Have I ever been with a guy with a short but really thick penis is what you're asking?

Yeah, and if you're wondering if I eat tuna in a can with my fingers, I do. Oh, God. I do. Just playing. Just kidding. Just kidding. Okay, tuna can. I've never. I do. I do. Just playing. Just kidding. Okay. Tuna can. I've never, no, I've never encountered, like I've said before,

every single man I've been with has never had a penis that is so misshapen that is of note. I've encountered balls that are just insane. Like different balls have, I've had tuna can balls. Do birds have balls?

Yeah, I'm sure. That's awesome. Yeah. That's awesome? I just like seeing balls flying. I think that would be awesome. Yeah, birds nut all the time, dude. I saw a rabbit fuck a dog's face on TikTok.

What? It was like the most. You looked outside like it happened in Mexico. It happened outside of my in the little uh grassy knoll over there have you ever done like when you're in mexico did you ever go to mexico as a kid with your parents like i one time saw a dog carlos and charlie's or something humping a bag of trash in thailand and it was one of the funniest things i've ever seen in my life that's what you call your friend yeah wait you saw a rabbit did you did you go past her did you

watch the whole thing the rabbit nutted on the no it did it on its nose and the dog's just so did the dog even care or was it trying to get away he seemed no he just took it to the face i hate when there's animals doing gross things to each other on these it's almost like people set them up to do it it's gross yeah i don't know if it was set up i think yeah they did put a carrot on the dog's head wait have you ever seen someone with a tuna can penis i feel like you have a story no story there there was a guy on the baseball team in college i didn't play baseball but i knew about his penis from my friends i played baseball and he could wrap his penis around he'd put it as a watch and he'd come up and be like hey can you read what time it

is that's like puppetry of the penis yeah you could you could probably do that with your penis too probably but he had a big he had because it's just skin and it fills with blood it's not like it's like you're not stretching muscle and they knew the coach had big ball like they knew about the coach's dick which i thought was i guess the coach has showered with the guys. Well, that's suspicious. Balls really do run the gamut. And Noah, we know that Noah likes to part balls with her nose through the seam.

Oh, Moe's nose. Moe's nose. Moe's nose. Moe's nose. Moe's nose. Moses. Moses. Moses. Moses. It's just gently. You just take your nose and you part the balls and one ball falls to each nostril. She likes to divide them.

Yeah, divide them gently. Do you lay on your back when this is happening? No, I think she goes on my stomach. And she goes up oh it's like it's like a dog digging his nose through snow yes that's such a cute way to put it both your faces look the same when it's over too wait what's the best i mean have you ever had one where it's divided so much you could like feel it on each cheek i'm sure i mean i've encountered balls like that where it's

like the balls are just so loosely in the bag it's like when you get a um a grocery bag and there's two cans of coke in it you know what i'm saying yeah and one of the cokes is actually a 20 liter yes like a 20 liter like you go i think you need to go see someone about this it's it's resting on your shoulder and the other one's just gently covering your nostril um yeah it's there why are balls so different and i would really want to tighten up my sack if i were guys yeah i should do i like them to be like in oh botox would probably it would be funny i'm thinking about putting that like wrinkles cream on my balls just to see what happens over nothing would happen over time because wrinkle cream isn't real it just isn't it's all

andrew puts one piece of lotion on his face and he's like, so my skin's like, everything's changed. And I'm just like, you could, it's just lotion, man. There's four skin in it. No,

there's four skin in this one. Brenna brought it home. There's four skin in it. And I'm just like, if there were lotions that really changed your face, people would use them. People do use them.

They do. I know, but it's just. It's a billion dollar industry i know because it doesn't work but if it didn't work people would just find one huh we would just find one no because it it i mean they work but they slowly work and they're not really changing well you're changing up your tune here you're saying they do work now well i just think that all of these things where you're like you were just the other day like my skin is just like so different now and i'm just i think it's for the first time you

just are moisturizing it's not like you're using like you're not nothing's going away or do you feel like things are going away well i think it's a mixture of a few things but i'm using this lytic stuff which doesn't have foreskin in it i think it just a mixture of a few things but i'm using this lytic stuff which doesn't have foreskin in it i think it just has like uh circumcised dicks i don't know what it has yeah he claimed that one baby's foreskin was once used and then for the rest of time they just clone this foreskin and put it in everything else tns tns yeah too much uh baby foreskin that worked they take the n at the end of foreskin and then they add the s toucans need sleep toucans nuzzle sweetly um we gotta go to break oh, TNS has it. And they had one foreskin in the 1970s, and then they've just off of one.

Is that dude like out there right now? He should be. He should have a house at least. I mean, he should have. So they've just replicated that foreskin. The cells from that foreskin. I just don't believe if there was some lotion out there that changed everything, women, every woman would use it.

They do. But every single woman has a different regimen. They're $400 for a bottle woman would use it. They do. But every single woman has a different regimen. They're $400 for a bottle. I get it. But like, I've never heard of this and I could afford that. And it's just like, why? You might already be using it and not know that there's first aid. No, all I use is that ordinary stuff.

That's $7 for a thing. But I just don't understand if there was one thing that every woman, if they use, they would never age. We'd all be using it. But we're not because there's always different things. And the way capitalism works is you come out with things that are better and newer. And otherwise, we'd just be done. There's a company now that they produce the foreskin-like cells inside plants. So they don't actually use the cells from that one foreskin.

It's a wild thing what I'm saying. It doesn't make any sense. No, it doesn't. But it makes sense when you Google it. We should look into it. We should Google TNS. Noah, could you get on that and Google TNS so we can find out what the hell he's talking about?

We're going to go to break and come back and really uncover what this stuff is and if it's the miracle cream that andrew heard second hand from brenda which i'm sure she had the real science behind it and you've she did but coleslawed it i call i keep doing the duke and noise john stewart is back in the host chair at Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more

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and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crumbs as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and my latest interview is with Mel Robbins. The theory is very simple.

It is a mindset tool that instantly helps you identify what's in your control and what's not in your control. Renowned motivational speaker, best-selling author, Mel Robbins. Work has been seen as the number one cause of stress. How can the let them theory help? As you notice the stress come up, Jay, you're simply going to say, let them. You have no idea right now how much time and energy is being wasted because of other people's behavior.

It's like a death by a thousand cuts. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay. Hailed as the magical fountain. Oh, wait. Yeah, I got it too. I got your podcasts. Okay. Hailed is the magical fountain. Oh, wait. Yeah, I got it too.

I got something too. Okay. Apparently it's Oprah's favorite cream. I mean, people are going to say that about, Oprah has so many favorite things, but this is from a 2015 article. What's yours, Noah? 2013.

Yeah, so known as the hydrafacial, the treatment involves a multi-step regimen aimed at turning back the hands of time on fine line wrinkles, blah, blah, blah. Baby foreskin extract is applied much like a serum and is said to look and feel incredibly similar to one. Okay, I'm wondering though where where you get it now and what tns i'm stop saying tns i'm so annoyed by this oh i see oh yeah that's oprah's favorite

but that's from 2013 but it's still around so it's still i know but why are no articles coming up like recently about it because it was so good that they couldn't keep promoting it maybe okay so it's 265 dollars is what i'm seeing okay um which is a lot and then you just this next generation skin rejuvenation formula visibly improves coarse wrinkles fine lines skin tone and texture it is clinically proven to address sagging skin visible results start in just two weeks um with progressive improvements measured over 24 weeks okay that's a big difference um i guess what you do is you it doesn't even say how to use it you don't use it every night um okay packaging is hard to use um works great these are reviews. But can you even trust reviews anymore? I mean, this is that we're going back to the thing of like,

what online can you even trust? Well, if it's verified and... Yeah, all those things. Yeah. What do you use on your skin, Noah? Like, what's your regimen? Oh, I use... There's like an Obagi set,

but it's like the doctor. It's like Dr. Objane or whatever. Sounds good. I'm so tired of it, but like I have to keep doing it because I don't know what I would look like if I wasn't, and I don't want to know. Did you see like visible results after you started using it, and what were the results?

Well, I feel like i've been doing skin stuff and like facials and creams and all that from like really really young when i was like 18 because i never wanted to age right i was like well if i start now i'll get ahead of it and um so i don't know i guess i don't know what the difference is but i do like the products that i use now because and how long have you been using them because that's the thing is like when a year how often do you a year and then what we're using before that and what made you go to that you know like that's what i'm interested in is like when girls decide to just fucking switch it up because you go to see one faceless who goes this is actually the product and then you go okay yeah you buy all the products

that they get a percentage of. I went to a med spa and they did this like skin, they like took a photo of me and then they did like an age of what my skin actually looks like. And it actually like came together close to my age.

And then they just had products there and I was like, okay i need something because what i was using was like all like natural ingredients but i needed something a little extra that was made in a laboratory i know i know that's a thing you need a little extra i went and went to a mexican pharmacy the other day looking for my miracle skin thing that has been, what are you laughing at? I don't know. It's just so funny. You're like, nothing works.

And then you're like, I went to 14 Mexican pharmacies. Well, I'll tell you, it's not a topical. It's not a topical. Oh, it's an integral? Yeah. It's a pill called Spirolactinone.

Oh. Spirolactinone. If you just type in Spiro, it'll come up but i um i love these things we're all using we can't pronounce well i was on the subreddit like skincare addiction for i've been on that forever and i just avoid it now because it's always just people doing their flat lays which is where you take a picture of all the stuff you use and people are so they know so much about a hydroxy for this and then a retinoid but you can't mix it with a vitamin c and then you and i'm just like i don't i can't even i'm sure bruna knows all that stuff now like is learning that

stuff but i just i don't care enough and um and uh so anyway i finally heard about this thing at some point called spirulactone that uh blacktonone that some girls were taking on there and said it changed their life so i went and asked the doctor about it because i struggled with acne for fucking ever hormonal acne but i've never i i know you have pimple but like and i know i've taken it since since you've known me yeah yeah yeah because i don't think i've ever seen you with like a whitehead zit. Whiteheads. No, but I get like,

maybe a little something on the chin, maybe like twice in our friendship. Yeah. I get chin and then I get, um, like up around here around my like upper jaw. But I used to get it everywhere, dude.

I mean, I had acne and they weren't just like little bumps. They were ones that would just, and they wouldn't heal. They would just keep coming back and they were just massive and they would hurt. And they were just, you couldn't, there's no popping them because it would just make it worse. It was terrible. And I know anyone out there with adult acne knows like as soon as it goes away, one comes up.

A new one. And there's never a time where your skin is just fucking clear. It was so annoying. I'm getting mad about it and I skin is just fucking clear it was so annoying i'm getting mad about it and i haven't even suffered with it for so long but i went to the doctor and got spirolactone it was 50 milligrams and um it didn't do it didn't do it and i was like fuck and it was because all these message boards said oh it changed everything and i was like finally my golden ticket and it didn't do anything and i was so upset so i quit taking it acne came back and i was just like this is just my lot in life and then some went to a new um doctor who said oh you should

do a hundred like 50 is not gonna really do it go up to a hundred and she was like but you know it can cause upset stomach it makes you pee all the time there's a bunch of a bunch of stuff too there's a bunch of side effects for fucking spirulactin let me read them so i can just see what i'm gonna die of um because i'm addicted on the show yeah i'm just i want to see like how it's gonna go down well i know accutane would like the drowsiness dizziness lightheadedness stomach upset diarrhea nausea vomiting headache um and then yeah it makes you have to pee all the time but man it changed everything wait what about the liver no but like accutane that was first for zits that everyone kid took like if you couldn't drink on it or like i don't know it could fuck you up forever

too much potassium so i can't eat too much um banana bananas which i wasn't even doing anyway and i ran out the other day and I was so worried because I was like, fuck, I'm going to tape this show and not have any, and my skin's going to erupt. And I can't, and I went to the Mexican pharmacy. None of them have spirulina. They looked at me like I was crazy, even though I'm like, so many women are on this thing. What is up? And then Andrew went and picked up a prescription for me right before I left and I thought it was going to be my antidepressant and for sure and then he got in the car and he brought it

and I had just gone to Oh, that's why you went nuts. I had gone to so many pharmacies the day before looking for the stuff and I was going to have Carlisle ship it and like it was going to take another two weeks which would have meant my face would explode in that time because I'm already out

and then you brought down Spirulactin. And I was like, yeah, I was so excited. I was like shaking, rattling it around. But I did go to the pharmacy the other day and they didn't have it, but I did get Latisse,

which is the, um, generic version of it. No Latisse is for your eyelashes. Oh, and they go, he goes, do you want this kind or this kind?

And I was like, what's the difference? And he was like price. And I was like, and they, one was, it was either $ or this kind and i was like what's the difference he was like price and i was like and they one was it was either 50 or 25 and i'm like what's the difference he's like same ingredients but this one is made in a different lab and i'm like obviously i want the more expensive one because it'll be better but also why if it's it's almost like um the walgreens version of ibuprofen you know i know i just i don't know when it comes to your eyes anything by your eyes like my buddy i remember he's like

lasik yeah he got discount lasik and i was like that's not what you want to spend every dollar you have and on your eyes yeah it's fucking wild man i was getting into plastic surgery stuff last night i think i want to do some stuff. Not plastic surgery, but lipo. Because skinny girls get lipo, and it looks amazing. Where are you any lipo? On my back. I just like want...

No, it's not back fat. It's just like I've got like a... You sent me those pictures the other day of me walking on the beach. Yeah. And I can't get over how much I look like just a hunchbacked... Can I... Massive man. I look like a man next to these girls. And I can't get over how much I look like just a hunchbacked massive man. I look like a man next to these girls and I can't get over it.

It sent me into a wild depression. No, it's not your fault. I didn't think you stood out like that at all. The only thing with your back, and I didn't even think I sent you one photo. I didn't know that I sent you a photo with your back, but you didn't have spray on your back. Yeah, I know.

But I'm saying, so that's why it would stay. No, it was like my posture was all fucked and I cannot, I can't get my posture down, man. Like it, when I put my shoulders back,

it just feels like I'm like stupid. So it doesn't look right to me, but it does. I was standing in the mirror trying to practice like how to stand during the show because I cannot look like this around these girls that are decades younger than me i cannot look like tech neck you know where you lean like this but i just have a low on my lower body i have a lot of just uh i don't know it's like thickness i have a thicker lower but like back here on my like flanks and i just want to take

it out because i didn't know this but like all those girls that have like perfect little figures they're all getting lipo amy she had like you have like a fuba fat upper lower back fluba you know what you ordered at the mexican restaurant the other night i have a fluba listen i have been depressed this weekend so where i go when i'm depressed is like i need to fix my body and do something different and i'm like going kind of insane about it you get the anxiety medicine yeah it's nothing's working and i'm staying in a fucking cave at this resort you're far away you're staying by yourself and work keeps getting pushed i haven't worked in five days we had a good day yesterday though yeah that was really fun we went out to um lunch and that was that's what i

need to do is i need to force myself to socialize because man i woke up at 11 yesterday and I just wanted to go back to sleep because I just didn't I just I don't know if anyone relates but like I just don't want to be awake I don't want to be like alive right now I'm just depressed and I don't know why it's so weird too because we're in paradise and that's what makes it even worse I know and I think depressed people get so much more depressed in the summer I think uh or like because you think you should be outside because everything says go outside and winter at least matches the way you feel inside but seasonal depression it's tough when it's summer yeah i get seasonal depression the other way yeah it's i do the same i do similar shit that like i'll get in shape during the winter and then get fat during the summer.

I don't know what the hell that mindset is. I don't know. I let myself go when it's nice out. Because it's finally you can relax. I think you do the thing where you're gearing up for the summer. Yeah. And then when summer hits, you're like, okay, now I can just stop that. I went to the gym yesterday trying to get maybe –

because I realize I have brady cardio which is my heart is like always really a low pulse rate and I was thinking about it I think my depression is linked to just having a low pulse because it's just like and so I just need to get my blood I just need to get my heart rate up more often so I went on the treadmill and was walking on that thing and then I just do you ever get so depressed in the middle of a workout, you just give up? Yes. Because you're just like, nothing's going to change in this next 10 minutes that I could go. I have to look at my fucking self in the mirror this whole time.

I change my goal. I go, you know what? You only wanted to do 10 minutes anyway. And then you make it and you're like, I made my goal. And it's like, that wasn't your goal, dude. Oh, yeah. You trench on the treadmill. You goal, dude. Oh, yeah. You trench on the treadmill. You press it down.

Oh, yeah. I mean, and then sometimes the calories that you burn, which I don't exercise for calories, but it bugs me when it shows you your calories. And I'm like, I haven't burned that many because this thing automatically thinks I'm a man. And unless I plug in my weight, which I'm not going to do. And put on makeup. Yeah. But I was just like,

I don't know. I was just in a real bad funk yesterday. And then I went in, so I worked out. So I went to just go look at the gym, but to go in and look at the gym, you have to like sign in. And so I was like,

I'll just do it now. So I, you're in heels. Worked out. I was in workout clothing. Cause I was going to go check it out. Then I was going to go walk around the resort just to get my blood flowing and then come back. And then i just worked out and then i went

and i listened to taylor swift while looking at the stars which was really pretty but i also was like i can't do this for that long um i don't know why i was just feeling melancholy it's so true though i can't look at the sky that long who looks at the sky and is like it doesn't change you might see a shooting star but like you can focus on a star and it starts to twinkle and like wink at you and you try to look for a sign like i was trying to talk to people what were you looking for what did did you hear anything no i was just like maybe it's i was just really in my feelings but the problem is when i'm depressed there's no song that can match my feelings that's that's a because music for me always is me able to like what depression is is no feelings it's not because there was like um

so what do you do do you keep like searching for something that's going to take you out of it yeah masturbate maybe that'll take me out of it then i can't come because i literally feel dead yeah it's like you're on the treadmill you quit halfway through yep yeah um i will pull up a louise hay meditation on youtube because she talks about just like because i know that thoughts are what make she was she had this great point louise hay by the way if you're ever in the mood for some motivational stuff this woman is legit but she was talking about how and i love this um if you're grateful for everything that you do yeah if you're grateful for everything you have from the universe the universe will give you more it's kind of like if you give someone a gift and they're just like i don't want this i hate it i hate everything i

have already you're not gonna give that person another gift but if you give someone a gift and they're like thank you so much about the stupid thing you gave them then the next time you see something that like oh they would want this yeah you're gonna give more and that just made so much sense to me of i just need to be thankful for every literally everything and then the world will start giving you those stuff well it's like the law of attraction i feel like with depression sometimes it's like the best thing for depression is like literally just being around other people, like something that simple.

I think when we, we try to do so many things on our own, like we'll work out, I'll masturbate, I'll play chess, like all, or like solitary, like I'll do all these.

Being alone is the worst thing for me. It reminded me of being on the road when I didn't bring out my friends with me and I would just like all day search for things that would keep me from just eating. That's all I'm doing because all I want to do is just go and eat. All I can think about is food. It's the only drug that is going to take me out of my feelings. It's the only thing that's going to make my adrenaline or my dopamine go up in a real way. Nothing else will.

And so the whole day is just me trying to do anything but that but then you then you eventually eat and then you feel so bad that you overate it's just like i'm just like in it right now so then the liposuction on your back that that's just a quick fix that just tells me okay well that yeah now i can look forward to that gives me something to live for yeah because now i can um get that schedule that and that'll be something on my schedule and it's just like what am I even doing? We've got to get to the news. Let's see if there's anything in there to cheer me up.

And honestly, I'm in a good mood right now. You seem like you heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Hey-o. It's Sunday, folks. You know what that means? It's actually Monday. Yes, it is.

I hope you're having all the swells out there. We are, or at least I am. Nikki is cutting her back with a knife right now. I do remember there was a girl in eighth grade who was trying to erase her fat with a pencil eraser and just like going. And I was so sad. I remember just being like, stop that.

And she was just like, I want it off. And I was just like, oh my God. One of thoseers are like just a regular a tiny pencil oh i know it was so sad oh man i know you got to get the one that's not connected to anything you remember the girls that would um do the lighter and they would light it for a really long time yeah and then they would turn it and put it on their skin and then it'd a smiley face yeah yeah that was weird yeah that was weird that was just another self-harmy thing that kids used to do uh news um paulie d oh shit okay dj paulie d with the what is dj paulie d in the news for? I must know. You're going to love it. So he's running for president. No, he's not.

Okay. He says MTV recorded absolutely everything in a Jersey Shore house. Those are our sex tapes. According to Reality Star, there was someone filming all night. Even when they bring someone to bed, they have the footage somewhere. So it's like a safe somewhere. And Pauly's not alone in his conviction that these tapes exist those tapes exist we always joke about it we're like yo where's that footage so okay they're straight up you know what this reminds me of what's that

secrets of playboy that show i was watching you know why hugh hefner got to do whatever he wanted to do forever and ever is because he would invite people to playboy mansion that's why he would have these big celebrity parties he had a camera in every fucking room so he would invite all these celebrities he has a video on everyone in hollywood i mean this was happening up until like five years ago i think and he is he has something all the playmates say he has a video on and that's why they all stayed, because they had revenge porn. And so he has girl, I mean, there's one story that came out that he made a girl go down on a dog. And so he has deplorable videos of everyone

either watching these acts or being a part of them. And that's why any time a press article would come out about a rape or any kind of nefarious activity, he would just make a call and it would go away because he has something on everyone. I mean, that's... Probably politicians that came by. So that's why the Jersey Shore, like they can't really... Release that?

No, I'm just saying like, it's interesting that MTV could have something on them. There'd be something if I were MTV and needed Pauly D to do something for me and he didn't want to do it, I'd go, oh, that's interesting. You don't want to do it because I have this tape. When you have that kind of footage, I'm not saying that they would do that. If your employer has you on tape having sex.

They probably do. I mean, I jerked off in a lot of dog houses. It's crazy. There were cameras in the one house that I was in. And I don't know, they might've had them in the, they might've had them. There's definitely footage of me jerking off in places because,

but I haven't done anything illegal or something. And I wouldn't, I've talked about it all on stage. So I'm, if it came out, I would be like, Aaron, what's her name?

And be like, I just sue and get a bunch of money for people seeing me naked. Oh, Aaron Andrews. But honestly, I wouldn't be that bothered. I mean, I don't want to say I wouldn't be bothered, but I would turn it into something of like, you know, it would be a victimization. So it's not like you would. But what I'm saying is he has stuff of them with underage girl he is

yeah illegal footage is what hugh hafner had um but i was on reddit the other night and they were talking about um where video cameras can be in airbnbs and how to look for them they're fucking everywhere and the so someone in the comments you know the alarm clock if you shine your phone light into you know um the smoke alarms and you in the holes you know if it's like a blue light back at you then it's a camera there's some way to check anyway stuff to animals but the thing is there they someone goes i used to work you know decades ago for some company that put pinpoint cameras in different things. And he said, there's no way to check for it all.

If they want to have the, they're everywhere. And Hugh Hefner was doing this in the seventies. He had, he had videos in every room. So the way that the technology, like in the grotto, he was getting stuff underwater cameras.

It's just funny to think of like, like how big the videotapes had to be that he had to hide. Yeah. It was, uh, I can't wait for that next. I got caught on video, but I told you this story about my brother when he caught me.

Oh my God. That was drunk. Yelling at the dog. Uh, I came home. I left the dog for way too long. I got hammered and then I ended up having sex during the day and then i got a phone look at how he's looking down it's the shame oh it was terrible and then

they were like you gotta the dog started to to bark and yelp because it hasn't eaten for too long and so he was on camera and they called me he set off the baby cam and so so my sister-in-law called me and was like, you got to get home and take the dog out and feed him. How long had it been? I don't even want to hear this. It wasn't that. It wasn't. It was, I probably left the house at like 10 a.m.

They claim it was longer. I really don't. It was like 10 a.m. to like 6 p.m. Okay. Maybe later. Who knows? But it was long enough. And I stopped and got a turkey sandwich.

And I took the dog out, and then I started going. I go, I can't believe you ratted me out to the camera. You ratted me out, Huber. Like that, like just hammered. Yeah? And I didn't think anything of it. Do you even remember saying that? I kind of did.

Or were you doing it doing it to be funny? No, I was just talking to him because I was depressed and alone and trying to get myself out of it. So I thought I'd have a conversation with Hubert. And then six months later, I'm getting a beer with my brother and he's like,

you ratted me out, Hubert. You ratted me. He saw the whole thing on the camera. That's so weird. I don't think we realize how often we talk to animals and ourselves yeah yeah yeah for sure it'd be very embarrassing oh my god yesterday i was watching i got a new guitar and i was outside playing it and i set up my camera and i was just playing a song and then i was watching it later when I was on the treadmill just to distract myself to see like if it sounded all right.

And it was so sad. There was a moment where I want to play it for you because it's so fucking sad. So I'm playing guitar and then I just stop and look into the ground. I'm not joking you

for like a minute without doing like i just had like just a despondent stare into the ground oh my god. Even with glasses on, you can see how sad you are. I did not know I was doing that. Like, I forgot about the camera at this point. This is like 10 minutes into the recording. You guys, this is not a still image. That's just me it's not no it's still going it's not still that's really it's still going you're like hugging your own neck it's still going about i don't know and then i started again

you guys have to watch that on our on the youtube we gotta post that as an instagram so fucking that i should just post that on my instagram because i feel like people can relate to that being that sad because i didn't even know that i did that that is that's that's an interesting thing is film yourself doing something and then just leave it on and forget because you will every time i film myself doing anything whether it's like an ad for the show or like i'm filming i forget i'm on camera and then i start and you just don't know what you're like when you when you aren't around other people it's really interesting to see that's why i was so impressed when i saw that aaron andrews like i didn't see the footage but the fact that she was alone doing her makeup and i were like you know naked in her hotel room and she looked good the whole time is shocking i've never

been naked in my hotel room and looked like sexy it's always been like me with your fluba farting and my fluba and just like back. And just like wiping, like spray tan, like scratching my skin to get spray tan off and just like being gross. Oh, I am disgusting when I'm by myself.

I'll be eating a pizza naked and like laying sideways so I'm never fatter. I'm like doing the Costanza but not even like sexual. Like a mermaid on the beach. And my legs are crossed so my dick's probably like in between.

Like you probably can't even see my cock. Oh my God. It's inside my body. Yeah. And I just have cheese inside my chest hair. Oh. And I'm just like, this is the life. Okay.

Brooklyn Beckham and his fiancee billionaire heiress. Yeah. Nicola Peltz. Peltz? Yeah. Peltz and Peltz could spend their honeymoon in space as their wealthy friends plan to spend five hundred thousand dollars on a virgin galactic trip a source told the mirror between his family and nicolas it's easy to get them on the richard branson's first vip space

flight the cost would be a drop in the ocean a lot of people will be vying for the title of most impressive gift at his wedding. Okay. So they're just going to go into space for a honeymoon gift. Yeah. For probably like five seconds. Again, would you go into space? Did we talk about this? I have no interest.

No, I bet you would go into space. Nope. Really? I don't want to go into space. It seems like something you'd be like, I don't want to do it space. It seems like something you'd be like, I don't want to do it. And then you do it and you're like, Nikki, I love space.

That you would really get into. I know. Like with that, like you wouldn't think you would like it, but you would. Like if Avi, if I would do it for Avi and then I would end up liking it.

And then you go, well, actually I like it. That's how my mom likes everything, I think, is my dad has gotten her into stuff. I think there's this, I think, I don't know. We go up in airplanes all the time. We don't give a fuck.

And it's like 60 years ago, that was space. Yeah. So people were looking out the window and like, oh my God, I can see the Rocky Mountains from up here. Yes. Do you remember the movie with George Clooney where he goes into space? Yes, up in the air.

Oh. Up in the space. When he fires people on Mars? Okay, yes. Do you remember in the ending where he just floats into the rest of the universe? That's what I'm scared of. Oh.

You're scared of just floating out into nothingness continuously. Well, isn't that kind of like- It's kind of like how you were looking at the ground. What do you mean? Oh, yeah're scared of just like floating out into nothingness continuously. Isn't that kind of like how you were looking at the ground? What do you mean? Oh, yeah, that was. You were Clooney on land. I was Clooney. Someone needs to Photoshop that of you floating in outer space.

Yeah, and just seeing Clooney in your eye, in your glasses. So weird. Wait a second. No. But, you know, isn't space kind of like the ocean? Like if you get out there far enough and you can't see any land, isn't space kind of like the ocean? Like if you get out there far enough and you can't see any land, isn't that kind of the same vibe? Is there a fear of the ocean too, Noah?

Oh, yeah, like the deep ocean for sure. Yes. Oh, my God. We saw whales yesterday. It was so fucking cool. I saw this video the other day on TikTok. They like tagged like a great white shark. Uh-huh.

And it was like. They tagged it? They tagged them in the video? Like in the video? Yeah. They hashtagged them. They were actually tagging it? Yeah. Gary to great white.

He's fucking blowing up right now. On Vimeo. I love his skincare tutorials. It's wild. He uses his own cartilage. He actually uses his own cartilage. So, yeah, he actually uses his seahorse cum, foreskin. By the way, I saw a seahorse the other day. Those things are wild, by the way. Anyway, so the shark is swimming, and it's in, like, 30 degrees.

Like, it's body, it's, like, 30 degrees, 30 degrees. And it gets lower and lower, and then it goes to like 78 degrees. So something ate it. What? Yeah. Something ate a great white shark at the bottom of the ocean. No, it didn't. We have no idea.

Space is the ocean. We don't even know. Yes. Wait, so something ate it, and that's why it got warm? They don't know. They don't know. It got warm down, worm, warm. Wait, you got to send me that TikTok.

Yeah, I got to find it. So Gary's not putting out content anymore. No, he still is from inside the mega. Megalodon. The greater shark. The great. Yeah. Who knows what's in there?

We saw a whale yesterday. Oh my God, it was so cool. And then you saw a rock. Then I saw rocks that I thought was a whale. And I just was watching these rocks for so long being like, they're coming up again. And Andrew's like, I can see that they're rocks no those are whales

yeah this whale was just really out in the sea just flipping around and it was so cool god they're so freaking cool animals do bring me out of a funk when they're just so cute and they're so they remind you that everything's okay

i love animals i need more in my life i really miss luigi i bet he's depressed out there too he's probably looking at the ground so you're talking about yesterday drums me and jen my assistant uh slash producer on the show she was talking about how um we were talking about how our dogs get depressed on our behalf and how they'll like dogs can like be your emotional support animal but anyone out there is a depressed person and have animals does your dog fall into a depression too with you because mine sure does yeah luigi will sleep until i mean he wouldn't have gone out past you know i'll take him at 11 right before i go to bed or whatever it is and then he won't then the next morning i'll be up i'll be asleep at one and he'll still be patiently waiting for me to get

up and and not making a big noise just like chilling he'll go and take five hour naps with me it's it makes me so sad that i like bring that on my animal but i think that's what happens to your kids that's why i'm scared of being a depressed mother uh yeah i don't want my kids to be like oh mom's taking a five-hour nap again and i was talking to someone about it and they're like well your husband can play with the kids while you're taking your depression nap and i'm like i don't it's just scary when you when you have bouts of depression that are like the flu oh yeah i mean that was my whole childhood but that's not like the flu. That was consistent. Yeah.

Would she come out of it? No. Right. I would just hate it. And my dad wasn't there to play with us. We were just watching Boy Meets World and living in that world for a while. Oh, no. Like Topanga, what do you think?

When this boy meets world. They got really British at the end of that song. Really? It would be like, when this boy meets world. Remember how hot Sean was at the beginning of Boy Meets World and then he got uglier and uglier.

His teeth got more spaced and then he had butt hair. No. Sean was always right or strong. The guy, the old, the hot friend, the one.

Yeah, yeah, he was hot the whole time. No, he got ugly. Oh, really? He got,

he had a weird face. I did a podcast with him, so I'm not going to talk time. No, he got ugly. Oh, really? He had a weird face. I did a podcast with him, so I'm not going to talk about his looks and call him ugly. I didn't realize you guys were so close. But you know who was a hot one to me was the brother, Eric. Oh, my God.

He had good hair. He was like Joey Lawrence, kind of. He was so cute. We got to go to break. Let's come back with Why Do I Care? Joey Lawrence and his brother were like the Jonas Brothers before the Jonas Brothers.

Whoa. What did he used to say? Whoa. Whoa. No, wait. Yeah, yeah. Whoa. No, it was more like,

it was like, whoa. I'm just kidding. It's the tool time. I think it was. It was whoa. Whoa. Wait, why was, why did every heartthrob

have like a thing? Like Jesse on Full House was like half mercy. Oh, I don't know. Do you remember that one? Jesse on Full House was like, have mercy. Oh, I don't know. Do you remember that one? I get for probably to sell t-shirts. Bazinga. I mean, look at Bart Simpson.

Oh, yeah. Don't have a cow, man. Cowabunga. Why was everything cow? No, that was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with Cowabunga. Okay, we gotta go to break. No, no, he said it. He did too? Okay, break, No, no. He said it. He did too?

Okay. Break, break, break. We'll be back. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. The Daily Show Podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment politics sports and more from john and the team of correspondents and contributors

the podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines listen to the daily show ears edition on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope

with community and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crems as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or's not in your control. Renowned motivational speaker, best-selling author, Mel Robbins. Work has been seen as the number one cause of stress. How can the let them theory help? As you notice the stress come up, Jay, you're simply going to say, let them. You have no idea right now how much time and energy is being wasted because of other people's behavior. It's like a death by a thousand cuts.

Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, why do I care? Why do I care? Why do you care, Nick? Andrew, you want to look up a little bit as you read your phone, just so it's a little bit more... Yeah, for sure.

Oh, like this? Yeah, yeah, that looks good. Oh, my God, your dirty phone. Look, there's like cum on that phone. Whatever, dude. It's a fucking 12 cum. Okay, Janet Jackson. Janet Jackson says she and Justin Timberlake are good friends

after Super Bowl scandal Honestly the whole thing Was blown way out of proportion And of course It was an accident That should not have happened But everyone is looking For someone to blame

And that's gotta stop Justin and I Are very good friends And we will always be Very good friends Always be connected By that moment I mean

Do you remember Where you were When that happened I was in my dorm room sophomore year of college at the University of Kansas. I think I was at someone's Super Bowl party of a family friend. Yeah.

Everyone was like... That nipple popped out. It wasn't even a nipple. It was covered with a spiky ornament. That is so not... Yeah, it was not even... Now that wouldn't raise... But it looked like a nipple. That was the thing. It looked wouldn't raise. But it looked like a nipple.

That was the thing. It looked like a giant nipple. It was a nipple ring, right? No, I think it was like a. I thought it was her nipple. It was an ornament that covered the nipple. But attached to a nipple ring. Yeah.

Oh, maybe. Did we ever find out if she knew about it? They had to have planned it well in that quote she said it was an accident yeah i don't think she planned it but he pulled it off it was totally planned why have we not why has there been no final answer on this whether it was an accident or not an accident might have been the accident of thinking that was something they could do you know i'm saying like where's the accident okay because that was something they could do. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, where's the accident? Okay. Because it was so intentional.

Give me a break. Well, I don't think he was supposed to take off both layers. I don't think. Okay. I could be wrong because she had like a weird like red bra. How could you accidentally? How could you be wearing a thing that could come off? Okay.

She had a star. Okay. But her nipple was coming through to start like you could easily it was around it yes it wasn't just a cover okay if anything it probably accentuated her nipple it's so funny that nipples are such a big deal when men get to show them all the time it's so weird why because they're fat i don't know i think there's fat like there's like a bump in them like what is wrong with them i mean i get it oh wow they are titillating no pun intended janna jackson claims that she told justin timberlake not to talk about it after because remember he was like he didn't really

come to her defense that much right i mean everyone wants to throw justin under the the bus after uh the britney thing and how yeah he but the britney thing i was listening to our friend claire parker's podcast the celebrity memoir book club yeah it's a really popular podcast now and she was talking about the jamie lynn spears uh book and everyone hates jamie lynn spears now because of i just i would be i heard can i just play something that i heard the other day has a documentary called all for you that's out now it's all for you if you don't really want it i was so obsessed with that slow song that janna jackson sang and she was like yeah was sitting between the guy's legs who had braids

or dreads. It was really hot. Can I just play a recent Britney Spears Instagram with no context? You tell me if this is... Let's play four-year-old or Britney Spears. Okay. Loading for some reason.

Chickens. Hello, chickens. Hello, chickens. loading for some reason there's a white chicken there's a brown chicken there's a black chicken there's an orange chicken there's a red chicken how many chickens are there wait there's one two three four five six seven eight we don't have food. Sorry, guys. Baby, where are they going? They're just chilling. Is that a turkey? Wait, don't they belong in a barn? Don't they belong in a barn? No, they're in the wild.

They're in the wild. Okay. This one wants to come inside the car. Hi, chicken. Hi. Will it hurt me? No. Oh, baby. Oh. hi chicken hi will it hurt me four-year-old or britney spears a three-year-old i mean i mean that's yeah i heard that and i go

what's going on here that i know that girls sometimes do a baby voice for guys and and sometimes they play dumb like i've even done it before to be like, wait, like, what do you do? Like, you just like kind of do a little bit more. But to say brown chicken, red chicken, black chicken, like. It reminded me of shrimp soup,

shrimp salad, shrimp sandwich from Bubba Gump. And then underneath it, it's just like, go girl, live your best life. There's nothing of concern here. I'm just like tired of the narrative switch now that she's free of like everything she does is totally mentally sound and

like we are all we're we're there for it i am here for this and it's like if this would have been posted when she was under conservatorship you would have said this was a red flag and a cry for help. A red chicken, I think. Red chicken? Blue chicken. I love Britney Spears, and I always have, always will, but that video did not make me go,

yay, free Britney. I'm so... Well, yeah. I mean, at what point is supporting someone a detriment to them? That's, that's I guess the question is like, you know, when she's naked

with barely, you know, covers on her, imagine if like, and I know this sounds whatever cheesy, but like you're a 15 year old, you're her son

and you see whatever, your mom almost butt naked on Instagram. Spinning around, yeah. And then you go. With choppy editing. With your friend, with choppy editing. With sme. Yeah. And then with choppy editing with your friend, with choppy editing,

and then you read the comments and everyone's like, you go girl, you're the best. I, you know, I get it. Like be naked, whatever.

It's just nudity. I get that. But really think about if that's your own mother, because that's how like I would look at it. And I'm like, I don't think anything's changed since she's become free in terms of her captions and her videos to me nothing's changed except she has gotten a little bit more outspoken which has only made me realize she was she um someone just needs to like look just look at just edit a couple words she needs

help without people stealing her money like i think that think that's more of a thing. How about that? Yeah. Okay. And I don't think like, hearing her boyfriend, I think he's just like a long, he's a yes guy. He's just like along for the ride. How long could you put up with a hot girl that likes to count chickens and say what color they are? If there's no other animals on the farm, not long.

Or maybe it's good. But they belong in a barn. Don't they belong in a barn? That was the only thing that I go, not a four-year-old. Belong. The word belong is not a four-year-old's word. That was the only indication that that,

I mean, tone of voice, everything about that. I mean, obviously this girl is suffering and has been through a lot. And there's some kind of stunted, arrested development there in her voice because that's the voice of a child. But with one vocabulary word that a child would use, which makes me think of that 22 year old girl. That's actually looks like she's eight.

And, and here's what happens. There's a TLC show. She can't do anything wrong. And like, and if, if you even say that she might be doing something wrong, you're going to get stabbed in the throat.

And it's like, you can, you can say this was crazy. And the same voice you go i feel bad that society treated her that way you know what i mean you can say both without you don't have to stand everything she does i'm just saying coming from some just i i want to just say that i don't think everything's okay based on that chicken video. That there's something that there's been maybe head trauma or like that is just a person who, if I start talking like that, wouldn't you go, did Nikki hit her head? Is she suffering some kind of head?

Like look around this room right now and talk like that. No, I don't even to even want to do it. Cause it'll be mocking it. But if someone, you know, an adult person, you know, started talking like that,

you would say they had a, a traumatic brain injury. Yeah. Or like, yeah, something, yeah, something happened to them.

Um, and so, you know, so for people to go, LOL, I love that. Like, and just let me read some of these comments.

What I love, I love that purple hair, Brit. You can rock it all. Girl, I love the purple hair. Queen, your body is beautiful. Nobody in the world is perfect. Don't worry. We love you. Don't ever say your body isn't perfect.

It is. Oh, because her caption was all about how her body and the paparazzi add rolls and everything. It's just. Wait, that was in the caption. The same chicken video yeah i mean the chicken video was one of the like five videos of the series i think we're they're all just ignoring the chickens the chicken part or maybe we didn't see it so the chicken was a deep cut yeah um i i and before we get to top one bottom one because i know we need

to get to it i i don't know one more britney thing i just want to say did this sound good to everyone like people i thought this was going to get um kind of made fun of a little bit but everyone was like that is so good is that one of the chickens? That, is that good? I mean. I know everything's, that to me, when I first heard that, I thought there was someone in a car accident on my feed.

Like, I think I heard it on someone else's phone next to me. Yeah, I thought, was that her like- Singing. Sounds like a warmup. Like she's doing, is she doing warmups? Does she have her finger in her ear? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I can't do that.

I want you to know just what I mean. Okay, that stuff sounds good but it's interesting the first part i mean i couldn't hit that note either no you're right like that like i guess i kind of hit it but you can't hit it right like and she has bad acoustics like everything is not built for that but yes i just am i am i wrong in thinking that doesn't sound good? Well, there were people. Yeah. No, you're not wrong. But that was every you should see the comments under this.

She can't do wrong. It's not. I feel I feel crazy. That's what I'm starting to feel like is I feel crazy. Miley Cyrus wrote under this. Said someone wrote. Oh oh she wrote vocal bible um someone said uh this just extended our lives someone said meet me at three someone said a new song oh my god britney is coming here's the thing her doing any music

people are so fucking happy then the dancing and the chickens like there if she puts out an album right now it would destroy. People want her to... I would love it, too. Yeah, I would love it, too. I would love for her to come out with a great album. Okay, someone says... Okay, there's some comments

that are actually acknowledging it. Me when someone steps on my toe while in line for Pizza Hut. Yes. Okay, so there we have one acknowledgement within the top 100 comments. How many comments are yelling at that person? Oh, that's a great question.

There's probably 6,000 comments. That adds to 18,000 likes. And then everyone... How many comments under it? 356. Yeah. Yeah, everyone's actually kind of agreeing with them. Oh.

This is a roller coaster. Yeah, this is a roller coaster yeah this is a roller coaster you know what i'm just glad that someone acknowledged that this isn't perfect because i felt crazy let's get to top one bottom one today's category is potato chips potato chips can we do corn chips too like any kind of chip okay a, a chip. Okay, a chip. Okay, good. Because I think I have one that's mostly corn based. Andrew, let's start with you.

We're going to start with the bottom because we always like to end on top. I mean, I have a feeling what you're going to say too, and it's probably mine as well. The Frito. Frito Britney. That's what i say frito yeah fuck fritos let's do snack chips like you know what are we doing brands or flavors oh i'm thinking brands i mean we really this is a loose it's very loose so you think fritos those ones with like the scoops are the worst well here's the thing you gotta i mean if you add any kind of like french onion dip you gotta add a dip just straight up frito yeah you're not getting someone goes into

a store and they're like hey let me get not even like the flavored fritos just like straight frito that's a guy that eats raisin like raisin bran without i disagree i think fritos are delicious wait a second so if i was going to the store and I go, they have Fritos and we have no dip, okay? Fritos? Yeah. Or plain tortilla chips? Plain, they're in the same ballpark.

Okay. But I would say texture wise, that's close actually because I kind of, I kind of like the hardness of a Frito. Yeah. Hmm.

Hmm. This is tough. Yeah, that is tough. So what if, so we're going Frito is your least favorite of all the snacks chips of all chips of all like what about um what about cheetos do those count what are

cheetos you love cheetos okay okay cheetos i just don't understand what they're why the why the shape what are they made of i mean all chips are made out of They just look like long boogers Yeah I saw some Dorito videos Like this is your Doritos before And it was just like Larva And they're like this is your chips And I'm like okay Oh god I don't need to see that shit

Okay Noah what's your least favorite chip The Doritos has to be my bottom Doritos just plain nacho cheese Dorito Just like Well we're talking about brands right The Doritos has to be my bottom. Doritos? Just plain nacho cheese Dorito? Just like, well, we're talking about brands, right? No, no, no, no. What kind of Dorito? Yeah, what kind of Dorito? I guess, like, well, okay.

So I don't like it because it's so, like, manufactured to hit every single one of my, like. It's got the salty like the sound the fat yeah yeah like like even down to the to what the crunch sounds like so that i want to eat more and more of it so i just don't like doritos i mean i guess they're all designed for that wait i'm confused so you like them too much then you hate them i don't i don't allow myself to eat them because i'll just eat the whole bag ah wow an interesting take on the top one bottom one so because they are so appealing let's avoid them now how do you guys feel about a good commercial for doritos it kind of is actually they're so good i can't eat just one campaign of lays but for Doritos. For my least favorite, I'm going to go Lay's.

The Ruffle Lay's. Yeah, but which Lay's? Oh, just straight Ruff's? Like Ruffled, I think, yeah, sorry. Because Ruffled with sour cream and onion are fucking, or cheddar and sour cream. No, Ruffles. Ruffles is the brand.

Sorry, Ruffles. Oh, yeah, the sour cream and onion are delicious, but Ruffles just plain. Or cheddar sour cream. You know what? Actually, I'm going to go Lay's. Plain Lay's. Yes.

That if they're just too oily, they make me sad to eat. They're just too oily and they're not fun and I need something with them. I want some kind of dip with them and they're just too plain. I don't like potato chips anyway. I never have. Sometimes there's like a green part of them.

I remember there used to be like booger chips that we used to call them. Remember that? My waspy friends, like their dads would always have like plain chips with a sandwich. And I never understood it. I never understood just a plain salty chip. My parents love plain chips. And then there's like this grease stain on the paper plate. And it makes me sick.

It makes me sick it makes me sick one time during play practice um in high school it made me laugh so hard the other day because it was the first time i think one of the first times where i was like i'm funny or just the way i talk is funny there's been a couple times like this recently where i've realized that like i'm just funny yeah the way that i move and talk makes people laugh even if i'm not trying to like the other day when i got out of that police ticket and i was doing this like yeah i was just celebrating but these guys were laughing so hard at my reaction and like and you know doing it and then at the massage the other night i just like stripped down my clothes as soon as the woman like what turned her back and she started laughing and she, and they all started laughing and I was like,

Oh, I'm just like the way I move is funny. And then there was this time at play practice and Justin Corson was sitting next to me. We were like partners on this. We had to sit in this like courtroom scene. It was like forever. And we were on this bench and beneath us was like a seven foot drop.

It was like bleachers, but there was like a seven foot drop that if we lean back it would be a catastrophic injury for both of us and i used to one day i look back and i go that is just sick and he was like that's the funniest thing to say about a drop off and he would just every day you go nicky that's just sick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it became this running bit of like, just something I said became a thing. And he was so funny that I just remember being like, oh, I said something funny, but I didn't mean for it to be funny.

It was just disgusting. I mean, that's the funniest shit is when, sometimes I feel like I overanalyze like funny now, like what I say, is it witty enough? But some of the funniest shit is just off. Like that's why Beetlejuice was so fucking funny on howard stern yes you just say things like you didn't think about and the idea of like a seven foot drop it's like let's drink a mountain dew and fucking like sick like it's such a small drop to be sick like it should be 600 feet it's just

to be disgusted by things that aren't viscerally like gooey or gross is funny. To be like, that's sick. Ew. Oh, that's the sick you meant? Yeah. Oh, I thought you meant sick like that's badass. No, I was saying like that's sick. Like that could kill us.

Oh. Well, that is kind of badass though too. Like that's a sick jump. It works both ways. It does work both ways. Okay, back to chips. Favorite chip. Shit.

I'd have to go with... You ever had a Taki? I'm Googling chips right now, and I've never had a Taki. There's some chips. They look gross. You know what are great chips? Zaps, which is like... And it's kind of ka, because it's like a New Orleans chip,

and that's where I went to college. Yeah, it is a little ca- But there's a chip called the Voodoo chip. And it's like, it's so many different flavors. And it's just has like- My mouth is watering like crazy right now. And it's crunchy.

It's crunchy. And I'm not always a big crunch head with chips because it will cut where I don't have teeth. Oh. What about a baked leg? Do you like those because they're softer? I like a baked leg because I convince myself I'm being healthy. Or like those because they're softer i like a baked leg because i convince myself i'm being healthy or like a yeah it's like you're eating a fucking

salad salad chips what's the other chips even though i do put them in my salad i crunch them up and put them on a salad certain chips are better for that too what's the harvest cheddar the sun chip you convince yourself is healthy oh sun chips yeah they have like a lighter texture almost like an air fried texture yeah and it's just i don't know why it just seems healthy what's your what's your best chip noah my favorite chip is an utz red hot wait a second i gotta google utzes are like 80 cents too for a big ass bag it's definitely like a budget potato chip. It's a New York thing. But it's like red hot. Oh, that gives me

canker sores just looking at the packaging. They're so spicy but it's like a sweet spicy. It's like the best. I love it. I feel like you get an Arizona in a can with mixes. Can you get those in Arizona? I wish. I would buy a ton of them if I did and I'd have so many pimples after.

Oh, you get pimples from chips? From those chips, yeah. Oh my God. Can you only eat four of them though? No. That's why you like them? Because you actually hate them? Well, I guess this is in contrast to what I don't like about the Doritos.

But you eat it and it gets so spicy that you have to eat another one. Because it's like a little bit sweet at first and then really spicy. And then you just eat the whole bag. It's like when you get a pot brownie and it makes you eat half of it and then you get high and you get hungry and the only thing you have to eat is more brownie, which makes you more high.

Also, Utz's is like the shitty, it's the Domino's pizza of chips. Oh. Like I like shitty pizza. Like I like Tostitos pizza. Like I used to fucking microwave that it was my fate and i would rip it apart i didn't know how hungry i was and so i started eating my mouth really salivating i mean i was gonna say that my least favorite chip is a salt and vinegar and then

i thought about it in my my fucking mouth it's like it's pornographic right now it's like a pussy when you see like fucking David. What? David? The statue of David? I was thinking about five, I was thinking David Cortez

or Dan Cortez. I was thinking of like some more. Dan Cortez! This is an MTV heavy show. I was just thinking of like what would

make your pussy wet and then I was gonna go David Duchovny and I just froze. Wow. But Dan Cortez would have been worked just david i don't know it's like when your pussy gets away from seeing david the statue yeah um that would be funny um what's your favorite chip um i uh my favorite is the texas grill frito that has been discontinued but i used to get them every day in high school.

So you're a Frito head? Oh, my God. The Texas Grill. So they had little marks on them like your dad was out there barbecuing them on the grill. They were these. It's probably too hard to make them. Do you see? Oh, yeah.

I don't remember the Texas Grill. Oh, they were so freaking good. But, you know, if we're going... And this woman... Oh, that's Reba McIntyre. I guess she was on the commercial for them. I wonder if they stopped making them because it's probably like hard to stamp each one. I don't know why they stopped making them, but they were so freaking good.

But I am, you know, barbecue baked lays are probably the one. I'm not a chip head. I really don't like chips. I don't like anything that is just going to be like so much fat and just a snack that does chips have never filled anyone up they never you eat the whole bag yeah cheese balls in a can i fuck with that heavy and i fuck with potato sticks in a can if we're talking about cheese puffs like the ones that are really puffy yes like the ones not even like from the regular like the utzes of cheese puffs Yes Yes And I suck my fingers after

Like it's coleslaw See I like those So much better than Cheetos Because Cheetos are like Those dehydrated and hard Cheetos makes cheese puffs Oh why is What about the cheese paws

Because puffs almost dissolve In your mouth Like a I love that Like a styrofoam Oh the cheese paws Yeah those are good too Yeah I like a styrofoam

I like when it just melts. Just melt. It's like, why is it melting? Then you gotta pick it out of your teeth. Oh, wait a second. Pirate's booty. Pirate's booty gives you that stuff underneath your teeth too. Yeah, and you think you're being healthy too, again.

Oh, yeah, those are so good. Or I used to love animal crackers because those would give you so much of a composite of like a new uh they would just give you that jaw jaw uh storage of a warm would you ever pretend you're eating animals sometimes i would eat the head and be like oh i'm gonna fucking i was never someone who looked at my food before i ate it and was like oh i'm gonna eat this color thing or i'm only gonna like i used to get those gummy sharks you know shark bites oh yeah and i would just blow past the white one and people would be like

you just ate a white one and i'd go like i didn't know i was supposed to like look at it before i ate it i'm not someone i'm just a scarfer you are too i'm a very big scarfer but i do maybe that's what happened today yeah I swam past my lunch table in seventh grade. Ham drip. Turkey tear. All right, well, let's call it a show. We made some progress. I feel like I'm in a better mood.

I'm fucking so hungry. I'm so hungry now. I have to go to a fitting right now. I'm not in the mood. What are fucking so hungry. I'm so hungry now. I have to go to a fitting right now. It's not, I'm not in the mood. What are you going to do for lunch, Noah? We'll probably go out somewhere. Oh, that's fun. It's Sunday.

Andrew, where are you going to go for lunch? Either that bar we went to yesterday or District. You got to go Zippers alone? No, no, no. There's a bunch of people going to watch football. Oh, yeah, you're watching football. Okay, we got to go. Andrew's kickoff has already happened. He's freaking out right now. No, I'm fine. What's a bunch of people going to watch football. Oh, yeah, you're watching football. Okay, we got to go. Andrew's kickoff has already happened.

He's freaking out right now. No, I'm fine. What's happening already? Don't worry about it. Joe, Jack. David. All right, we got to go. Don't be cut.

Jackie from Howard Stern. Jackie the joke man. Jackie the joke man. Martling. I got to piss so bad. Me too. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears

with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else ready to laugh and stay informed listen on the iHeartRadio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts