The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #17 Old Renegade

Episode Date: April 20, 2021

Between you and Nikki, she is loving the "Cayman Way" and doesn't really want to leave even if there's broken glass poolside. It's Andrew's birthday morning after a fancy dinner where a kid threw him for a loop. They cover jackpot winners, lap dances and bikinis and Taylor Swift's record breaking achievement. They read some great listener mail and explore why it's never good to be the girl a guy is "talking to". Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get besties. Hey, Noah. Hey. Happy fourth week of show. I'm losing count. It's a good sign. Hey, besties. Hey, Noah. Hey.

Happy. Listen, you know, I'm always honest with our listener about what's happening. And today we are pre-recording the podcast one day early because I have a lot going on this week. Well, I'm leaving Cayman. I might actually be staying Cayman in the Caymans because I'm like, Noah, between you and me, like, why would I ever go back to COVID land if I don't have to? It's harsh out here. I mean, I hate to brag everyone, but I am in a place where there is zero COVID. You see mouths everywhere. I don't, masks, I know that,

obviously it's not a pain to wear them. It's a very simple thing to do to like make people feel safe and to actually keep people safe. I'm saying yada, yada, yada, not because I'm being dismissive of it, but you know everything that's good about wearing masks. However, being without them again, even though you adjust immediately to life before masks, like as soon as you're free to take them off, like you forget like how cumbersome they were or if it was even a thing you had to do. But the idea of going back to the mask, I did not foresee it being as like the dread that I would feel that I would have to put on a mask all the time because I just feel disconnected.

You know, I just I don't want to. It's not that I don't want to wear one. I don't want to talk to people in them anymore. Like there's sometimes in the Caymans that there's like some places where people wear masks because the hotel just requires it or whatever even though the island has no COVID and hasn't for ever um that's not true not ever but you know what I'm saying um and just like even checking into this hotel yesterday these people at the front desk were wearing masks. And I was like, this just sucks.

I was like, I don't want to go back because of this. Doesn't this? And they're like, yeah, this sucks. I'm just like, I hate to be one of these people that like masks are awful, but they really do keep you from human interaction in the way that I like. And, you know, I don't know. What about when people wear masks and sunglasses and you can't see anything that is i don't just wear just your daft punk at that point like i don't know who you are you're

a mystery you're an acclaimed dj who or djs who want to keep well andrew and i had a whole discussion about daft punk however i wanted to say that we're recording today's podcast early because i had plans to leave on Wednesday, which would leave it unable for me to record then. We'll be back to regularly scheduled programming as soon as we can. But the special thing is, is today is Andrew's birthday. It's Sunday, but it's Andrew's birthday today. And so we get to record on his birthday.

He's a happy little boy. He's out on my balcony he's what molly boy molly boy oh yeah he was like acting like he had um molly in his system yesterday not molly's game because if you watch that movie you'll feel fucked up too actually everyone loves that movie except me and it's really fucking with my world it honestly feels like i'm in like some kind of like truman show experiment when i talk to people who enjoy molly's game because it's so bad to me and so funny and laughable how bad it is that if you watched molly's game

and thought that the whole time aaron sorkin was like winking at himself and trying to be funny with the directing which the script by the very clear on that. I loved it so much. I love Sorkin's writing. I love the way actors act his writing, except when he's directing them. Terrible. Just like, so like, did you get that joke? Oh, wink.

Oh, cool shot. It's, you know what? You know what it is? It's Kuh. I don't even think I did establish Ke when I went off about Molly's Game, but Molly's Game directing is Ke because it's a guy that's so proud of himself for directing. It's like his second movie he directed, so he's still got this like, I'm a director. Just let the movie be what it is. Let the writer come through. And you're the writer, dummy. Don't mean to call you

a dummy. I'd be glad to work with you anywhere down the line. And I respect your work so much and you're far more talented than I will ever be. And if I ever tried to direct anything, it would be the most self-congratulatory, wink, wink, how funny I am bullshit ever. So I probably am just projecting Mr. Sorkin anyway Andrew did an impression of a guy that had Molly that had taken Molly yesterday we were at the pool party in the Cayman Islands they're stuck

in 2008 in the best way all the music is from 2008 and maybe not even 2008 maybe we're going back to like 2002 they'll play like they played Craig David's seven days unironically yesterday do you remember that song no why would you keep it out late last night when i see two shadows moving in your bedroom like uh wait anyway can you fill me in okay that's never okay

never mind that's not seven days that's fill me in In by Craig David. It was a hit in like 2003, maybe 2001. They were playing that unironically yesterday. I've not heard that song for, you know, since it came out. I can't do math. 20 years. Then they also often play Blue Cantrell's Hit Em Up Style. Hey ladies, if you man wanna get buck wild, then go back and hit em up style hey ladies if you man want to get buck wild oh yeah yeah go back and hit him up style that song is blaring through the the cayman island okay it's not caymans through grand cayman

um there are caymans islands cayman islands but they're all the one that everyone lives on is grand cayman the others are like everyone here is like, don't say Cayman, say Cayman. And they say Cayman. Like, okay, man. Every time they tell me to say Cayman instead of Caymans, I go, okay, man. God, I have so many things to say about the Caymans. Okay, so it's Andrew's birthday. We went to a pool party yesterday.

People love 2008 here. And they love theme parties so a thing about the caimans is like i'm learning that there's like everything i like note my friend robin will be like oh that's just the caiman way like yesterday i go up there's a theme party we're going to one today for andrew's brunch party at this like nice brunch spot called tilly's where they have this like fun, like bougie, like party brunch every Sunday. And the thing is there's no tourists here, right? Except, and I'm not even a tourist, but there's no, everyone on the island, all the tourist activities have become people from the island having staycations. So there's not this like aim to please. Everyone's just like living

their lives. Like there's not this, like, you know, the hotels aren't just like kissing your ass constantly. And like, um, they're just like, yeah, just come party at our place. They're not like acting you like you're like this, like tourists that they have to earn their trust to come back. They just treat you like a local, which I really like, but this is where it came out yesterday. So I go to this Vegas themed party. it was vegas themed there's like gambling at this party like little setup booths that you could win things at tons of people tons of floaties in the pool just like this amazing pool they're just like they just like want you to have a good time it's like it's they're throwing you a child's birthday party there's a great dj there's dancers if you looked

at my story from yesterday um two days ago now when you're hearing this there's a great DJ. There's dancers. If you looked at my story from yesterday, um, two days ago now, when you're hearing this, there was like a dance troupe that came out and danced. It was so fun. No one's like being gross. It's not like Vegas gross where people are like being drunk and disgusting, but there was a bachelorette party of locals here. So like people just come to the pool hotel that aren't staying there, the locals. So the hotel itself is pretty empty. I think there's a movie shooting here. So there's some like film crew here and then there's like me and some others, but everyone that came to the pool party on Saturday are locals. And there was a bachelorette party and I put it on my story. These girls, I walked in and there's like a step and repeat, which is, um, the Hollywood name, the showbiz name for that thing that everyone stands in front of when they get their picture taken on red

carpets that has like a bunch of different logos on it. And the logos repeat and, and you walk along it and it's called a step and repeat because you step and then you smile again, you step and then you pose it's step and repeat. So that's just a little jargon for you. So there are the step and repeat that says like vegas and like the name of the hotel and whatever so people can like capture this memory it's really cute and fun and not at all cheesy not i not at all like being ironic like they're really invested in like a vegas theme there was like an old elvis that they hired like so cute loved it um bachelorette party this girl i I'm checking into the pool party,

like getting my wristband, which I'm still wearing because it makes me feel like I'm at summer camp or like a Lollapalooza. And this girl who is the bride is in the middle. All of a sudden you hear a glass shatter. And then I see, I turn around and this girl has fallen. Her hand has fallen into this glass that she fell upon while she's taking a picture with her group of friends

with a sash on her that says like bride to be she her hand is severely bleeding from the palm not severely but bleeding it's dripping on the thing i turn back around because i'm like well they're gonna they're gonna get the nothing i can do it's like 10 feet away but i was just like give me my wristband bitch like i didn't say that to the woman but i'm just like yeah rest me up i want to get in this pool party and avoid this blood chaos that's about to erupt behind me. Because in America, if on a hotel property someone smashes a glass and a bride-to-be cuts her palm, they bring in a stretcher, like one of those neon stretchers. There's multiple paramedics. Everyone's screaming and going, oh, my God.

I get my wristband. The woman asked me like you know me to sign a sheet or whatever i turn back around to see what's going on behind me like all the cleanup the girl is stood up again taking pictures uh her hand is still bleeding they're acting like nothing happened they're not even pointing at the glass like she broke it and she's bleeding or like looking at her hand like whoopsie let's get a picture of this before we clean it up the glass is still shattered there's blood splattering on the floor on the ground and she's posing like they're all posing like hot so i walk back over and i go guys we someone needs to clean this up like this is

broken glass at a pool where a step and repeat where there are people lined up to take a picture right after you no one is on the scene to like sweep this up she's bleed there's blood everywhere and um and the photographer is a woman that works the hotel and they go no no no no the girls should be way they're like no no she's got it she's got it and i go and the photographer's still taking pictures they just don't care and i told this to my friends later last night when we went to dinner and they go yeah that's the cay the Cayman way. Like there's no, they don't like treat everything like it's a goddamn emergency. It's like glass and some blood. No one's hand is cut off. So they just like let it go. And I like that because in the States it would be, they would have those defibrillators out. There would be forms. They would be taking reports. There'd be an ambulance. There'd be a fire truck. There'd be like, it just doesn't need to be that.

Yes. 14 people caught HIV yesterday from this. Yes. A child severed their foot. No, none of that happened. It was all fine. It's just a little broken glass.

I loved it. I loved how the Caymans just treat like we'll get to it. It's not a big deal. I like it a lot. Um, the drunk driving situation on the Cayman Island, it leaves a little much to be desired in terms of intervention, however. Not my place to intervene, though, but I'll just leave it at that.

Let's get Andrew in here for his birthday. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines.

Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. A birthday boy. Oh, okay, now. Right right now do that again birthday boy in the hotel room what's up andrew oh i thought you're gonna sleep last night i thought you're gonna sing me a whole song no i don't i don't feel like going all out i mean last night you we went out to dinner for your birthday and you almost got sung happy birthday, but didn't

quite happen the way this is. You guys, this was so funny last night, Noah. So how did you sleep last night, by the way, after we went to dinner? I didn't sleep very well. I didn't feel well. I got the second vaccine. I know you don't want to hear that it made me actually feel sick or sluggish, but it really did.

And I know it's all mental before you say it and that I should just read a book about the vaccine about how it shouldn't hurt you i know all this but that being said i didn't feel well so i drank an espresso right before we went to dinner thinking that we'd maybe make a full night but then i was like i'm actually want to just go home so yeah you you called it in early so we had an amazing dinner though and it was pretty good it wasn't it wasn't like i i have i have complaints about restaurants that are supposedly like this was like so nice this restaurant like the food was like definitely as gourmet as you could get with sushi i don don't know. Gourmet doesn't seem like a word you use with sushi, but I mean, it was at the Ritz.

One year. Yeah. Yeah, no, I mean. Was your food good? Mine was a little slimy. Mine was delicious. Oh, that's good. But you were also starving.

Anything's delicious if you're starving. True, but it was good fish. It was good sushi. I haven't had sushi, like quality sushi in a restaurant in two months so i was excited to have it and um it's kind of it was laid back it was more laid back than i thought it would be yeah yeah we had like a booth it felt like kind of like uh we were at ruby tuesdays hi i love her i love a booth like hired a booth i love an out her. I love a booth, like hired a booth. I love an outback booth. I do love a booth,

but I, you know, I, I'm, I'm just, I had no problem picking up. I wanted to pick up the check, but for how much that dinner was for how many people,

five people, um, that booth and that lighting was not okay. And I would love to go in there and do a kitchen nightmares with gordon ramsay and really shake things up and say you this is your vegan option this slimy portobello on a little bump of rice you told you were gonna give me the last one and said it was delicious that one was actually good the other the three appetizers were slime slimeville let's not make mushrooms slimy.

Let's give it a little crispiness to them. However, my vegetarian roll was delicious and the dessert was bomb. It was like a bonsai tree made out of chocolate with like chocolate dirt. Okay. So this is what happened at the table last night. This is the funny part. Okay. Tell it.

Yeah. So if you've seen the movie swingers and with the baby scene in the in the last scene where he thinks he's being talked to but the girl is talking to a baby he's like oh my god she's coming she's coming this really reminded me of that last night i was sitting there i you just gave away like the ending to the story i have to say you could have said the swingers thing after but you just gave like now the story everyone knows what's coming where as opposed can i tell it the way that i know no no no okay you keep telling it's my birthday can i just tell one

story like i want to without your great storyteller as we talked about the other night the reason why i told the swinger thing is because you always interrupt me so i tried to get to the ending as quick as possible and then i'm k. And then I'm Kaiser Sozin. You're Kaiser Sozin. You're Sozer Kaizen. No, no, no. Because you're going, but you're telling the spoiler before.

I'm not Kaiser Sozin. You're foreshadowing. I'm Quentin Tarantino-ing. Oh. I'm telling the ending first. I was doing it on purpose, so then I'm going to bring you back. Yeah, because why would you ever want

any kind of suspense in a story to be built? Go on. Quentin Tarantino, people can't wait to get to the end to figure it out. But there's no figuring it out. We know what's coming. Let me just try. Let's just.

Okay. You know what? Listener, will you write into us and tell us as he tells the story based on what he's already told you with the swingers thing. If you see where this is going, let's keep going. So happy birthday. I mean, Jesus Christ. Come come and see i swear by now that's number 41 by the way because he's 41 today can i tell the story tell it so i'm sitting there and i'm

excited because robin who was with us kept saying how was my birthday so i knew there was a good chance your boy was getting a cake maybe a candle i asked for mayonnaise with a candle in it or a candle made out of mayonnaise i just wanted i wanted a treat i i really just was really excited about this dessert and boy were they bringing out dinner went through we went through dinner we had a great dinner and here comes the candle little slimy huh i was just saying a little slimy i'm not trying to interrupt i was just i mean but you are constantly okay so anyways i'm sitting there she had a slimy roll which was very pertinent to the story i was just trying to be funny i wasn't really trying to derail your story sorry go on god i forgot this was my podcast for a second.

So anyways, the birthday cake came out, whatever. Someone else's. I don't give a shit. No! I really don't care. What? I don't care. What's wrong with you?

I'm trying to tell a story. I just was saying it was a little slimy. I was putting in a little joke. No, but then the second thing, and then you just got to derail these things. Okay. I just want to say, I've never seen swingers, so right now I'm like holding onto the edge of my seat in suspense waiting for the story,

and I just feel like this is edging. Okay, well, I just want to say that he told you what happens. The woman thinks she's talking. Well, so I'll tell the story. The woman's talking to a baby, and a man thinks she's making eyes at her, but it turns out it's a baby, right?

You understand what the scene could be. I haven't seen that swing or scene either but you know i mean okay okay so go on andrew so now they're bringing out the candle the candle's lit it's this huge thing there's like three people bringing it out it's a whole thing and i'm like holy shit watch out and i clear my i clear my drink i clear my plate i make plenty of room for this amazing birthday cake and i'm sitting there i'm smiling and they walk right past me to an eight-year-old who is so excited to get this cake so it's like right next to our table yeah and yeah and and he's so happy um i hate the kid i want to beat the shit out of kid and take the take his treat also it wasn't even my birthday yet in fairness the funny thing was like andrew was like embarrassed when at first

because these people go happy and they're walking like far you know like we the table that they walk are walking to are like kind of it's almost like behind me and andrew like the kid is seated almost like behind the side of the booth at me and andrew sitting so we can't really see him and they're walking towards our table and then as they get closer they just don't even come to our table and but andrew starts clearing off the table and like kind of like goes oh god and like puts his head in his hand like you guys this is i'm so nervous like he gets like he sets us all up like oh god and we're all like i go did robin do something i don't know i guess robin had been mentioning it to like everyone because she's

trying to get us a free dessert and uh and they just go straight to this kid's table so then robin's husband will you tell this part oh yeah this is my favorite yeah this was i was getting there and then uh there uh there i'm gonna work on that um so i i i finally get mine they do bring me a birthday treat it's they bring me three machi balls and it's pathetic compared to what this fucking kid got and so we want to know for some reason what the kid's name is so rob because we we heard them sing happy birthday and we heard them say andrew and we're like wait maybe the kid's name is andrew or maybe someone like we don't we heard a distant happy birthday singing that was like the lounge singers and we were like maybe maybe they're singing to the kid but maybe the kid's name is andrew so we wanted clarification

on the kid's name so robin's husband asked the guy yells to the table yells to people at the table not the kid itself but it's like a long table so he yells to one end of the table he goes hey what's what's his name because he thought we had the same name which would have been a great coincidence and everyone would have lost their fucking mind. And the woman says it, and he goes, and we go, what was his name? Yeah, because we couldn't hear what the woman said. In all seriousness, and goes, old renegade. We go, what? He goes, I think she said old renegade.

And we go, this is an eight-year-old boy. And he's like, there's just no way this kid's name is old renegade. But he goes an eight-year-old boy and he's like there's just no way this kid's name is old renegade but he goes i swear to god i heard and i go i looked at the woman all right i looked at the man when he talked to you he did not say anything and he goes i thought maybe he was just nervous because i don't really know robin's husband that well and so i was like maybe he just is making that up or trying to make us laugh with this old renegade so we're like we are laughing so hard because how could a child's name be old renegade how could he hear that what name could possibly even be misconstrued as old renegade for this this little white eight-year-old boy who's just like

celebrating his birthday and his name is old renegade old renegade needs a switchblade uh marlboro marlboro reds rolled up in his pocket like like moose in his hair like old renegade and you don't even look at him in the eyes i mean this kid was five it sounds like a band like that would be you know opening for the fleet foxes for like a summer in 2011 at sound like they'd be opening for corn yeah yeah old renegade so we are just laughing so hard because we just think her husband michael just heard old renegade then we're on our way out and i go andrew you have to get clarification on this kid's name so i like force him to go up to the kid and go hey it's my birthday too what's your name and what is the kid i don't even remember i can't even say it if i said it now it'd come off probably worse than Old Renegade. What was the name?

Oh, fuck. It was... O... Oligon. No. Oh, wait. Oh, wait. Olarian. Oh, wait, wait.

Hold on. Hold on. Did you write it down? I thought you had it. Well, I'm going to text Robin because I need to know. I know that Michael memorized it. I don't think any of us will get it right because... I almost thought to write it down because it was so weird it's a name i've never heard before hey robin can you ask michael what old

real name was question mark uh hold on let's get andrew and i can't remember it period ol. Oligarian. Yeah, Oligarian or something like that. It was literally Old Renegade. It wasn't even way off. I was literally trying to think of, like, right before we asked what Old Renegade's real name was, I was trying to think of, like, what he could have heard. I was thinking, like, maybe Reagan or, like,

oh, it's Reagan-an. I don't know, Mold Gatorade? Oh, it's Reagan, man. Mold Gatorade? Oh, yeah, like, oh, Old Gatorade. Like, yeah, there's a man holding Mold Gatorade. Mold Gatorade. Oh, yeah. Like old Gatorade. Yeah, there's a man holding up old Gatorade. How could any name be close to old Renegade? But guess what?

The only name that was, it was O'Larian or something like that. I will get confirmation on the name when Robin texts me back. But that was the story of Andrew's birthday. We have so much to get to today. I will be interrupting with more tidbits about his birthday and really annoying him. God, you got so mad at me before. You couldn't even hide it. I know. I was really angry. Dude, why? Because it's my special

day. Okay. Yeah, I know that, but I was just, all I said was, no, you're not. He just mouthed, I'm just kidding around, which you wouldn't do if you actually were just kidding around. You you wouldn't do if you actually were just kidding around. You had to mouth it off mic. Old Gatorade.

I don't mean to upset you on your birthday. I'm really not trying to. I was just saying a little slimy. I was making a joke, just a little slimy. No, but you asked me for a story. I know, but it's funny to pepper just old slime. No, no. Slimy's fine.

That's all I said. But then calling out the story and being like, you told it shitty, blah, blah, blah. Oh, yeah. You ruined the whole momentum of a story. And I am a good storyteller. Okay, next you are. And next time I will save the fact that you ruined the ending for the ending. But I was Quentin Tarantino-ing.

I didn't realize that. And I don't think you still know what that means. And maybe neither do I. That's because his movies are too gruesome and bloody for me to watch. Let's get to the news. You heard it here first. Let's go. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Let's go. You heard it here first.

You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Birthday edition. Oh, man, this is great. You heard it here first, folks. Everybody out there is having the swells and having all the fun, I hope. I am. It's my 41st, and boy, am I having swells and fun.

Come and see. This way. I'm not going. Oh, right. You ready for this headline? Hell yes. All right. A 23 year old guy from Florida is the state's youngest jackpot winner, taking home the $235 million Powerball.

Whoa. He took a one time fee. You know how you could take a lump sum yeah only 160 million uh he wanted all of it instead of getting it like yeah some people like you could get 235 but you would only get like five mil a year or whatever which is probably the smarter thing to do because a lot of people that take the lump sum end up broke with 40 Hummers. Yeah. There's a percentage of jackpot winners that have gone broke that it's insanely high. Well, if you're playing the lottery, you're bad with money because they say the lottery is poor people taxes.

Oh. You never heard that? Maybe I'm getting that wrong. But if you play the lottery, it's statistically a really dumb thing to do with your money oh just based on odds if you win however oh my god great you you literally you won the lottery figuratively and literally but you're someone who based on playing the lottery itself are are bad with money so it's kind of like you're giving a bunch of money to people who already passed the are you bad with money test. Oh, you scratch off tickets. You buy.

Yeah. But Thomas Yee would be laughing at you. Yeah. 23 years old. Just won $235 million that he took at a lump sum of 160. Is that correct? Yeah. And he's going to plan on doing higher education on business or medical field.

So he will not be going broke. That's not true. I doubt he will. I mean, it seems like he's not well if you were smart there's like a whole thing that you follow if you win the lottery there's like a um oh there i was reading on reddit one day of like you don't tell anyone but you accepted anonymously oh no you could do it anonymous oh absolutely because that's why I mean, it's just so proven that people just get fucked over by friends coming out of nowhere, needing money, family, you know, 23andMe.

That's just like your 23rd cousin 80 times removed. And me. I'm his buddy. We need a down payment on this fucking yacht we just bought. And you're his cousin so you owe us like you just start you get you get really bamboozled and then you either are a pariah to your family because you won't be generous or you decide to give and then you can't stop giving and you just hemorrhage there's a lottery curse hmm i think it's just the curse. Which they die soon once they win.

Yeah, like they get sick or something like that. Well, I think that mo' money, mo' problems. And I do believe that so many illnesses are stress-induced and just guilt-induced and just the emotional baggage we carry. So something like winning the lottery and having all those, either to keep it secret which is a huge burden or having everyone know could end up killing you probably that makes sense i mean what would you do would you take the lump sum or would you take it over time would i take 160 or take five a year or i yeah i don't know the exact number sorry 160 because that's just so much money like i don't

need more than i my ex-boyfriend once told me all you need is three million dollars like to be set for your whole life because you just if you reach that point you would uh invest enough of it that it just keeps earning on itself and you never have to work again and you can live like a pretty great life for the rest of your life yeah and um what would you do with 160 million dollars i would uh i would make sure i would give each of my family members like three so my sister and brother-in-law three my dad and mom three um three each yeah just that like that unless that number has changed but my ex-boyfriend used to say three was the one that like would make people set for life i would give my friends

one like probably 10 of my friends one i'd pull a george clooney and this is all me just like off the off the dome right now i don't who knows if i'd really do this my financial advisor's probably listening let me know if you think this is smart. And then I would donate 10% of it for sure. So 16 mil, that's nothing. Yeah, right now you're looking at 26. You're around like 35 million you've given away so far. So you're probably around 115 million still. I mean, that's so disgusting.

Oh, no, no. And then 10%. and then 10 yeah yeah yeah i would save 10 i would put 10 away just for me and my i would uh maybe uh i would get a house in new york la like a nice condo in new york la st louis and like fully furnish it that would be another like maybe 10 you know know, total. You couldn't even spend it. Maybe 20 total if I really went buck wild. And then animals, like I'd like start a bird sanctuary or some kind of bird rescue or animal rescue.

Dope. Yeah, what about you? Bottle service? Yeah, I'd get a bottle. Yeah, well, people don't know this about you, but you went through, I mean, we kind of talked about talked about on the show but you went through a lot of money in a short amount of time i went through around probably around 200 000 250 000 in a matter of days pretty much just off of stuff that like i don't know a lot of trips went to costa rica

went to europe went you paid men who are giving you compliments in, where was that? Oh, that was in Greece. I paid Italian men who said my body was nice, and I just started giving them cash, which might be even gayer than the story of me helping my friend blow himself. It's close. But yeah, they said, oh, you have a great body. And I go, well, here's 30 bucks. Keep it up.

And that was in Eos. They should have told you to keep it up. I met Pacey in Eos. Oh, yeah, that's right. Or I took a girl from Pacey who's from Dawson's Creek. That was the best story. A girl was talking to Joshua Jackson at a party that Andrew was at in Greece and like hitting it off with Pacey.

Fucking Joshua Jackson. In like his peak. Oh, he's tall he looked a little out of shape at the time but it wasn't peak Pacey because I think it was after Dawson's Creek went before he had got on the marriage this was 2001 it might be oh whoa that was peak Pacey yeah peak Pace fuck yeah and I fucking went in there so me and my older brother you remember these pub crawls did you ever do a pub crawl i've heard of them so a pub crawl is essentially you go to like 10 different bars and you do a shot at each bar

yeah you get as fucked up as possible so we found out the last bar was gonna have a baby pool so we wore swimmies just like fucking peacocking like crazy we wore swimmies snorkel gear yeah like just knowing because we were gonna jump in this baby pool so we see the baby pool and we're like holy shit this is our moment there's pacey talking to this beautiful girl and out out and uh we go one two three and we jump in the pool and i jump first and my brother jumps after me and lands on my face on my goggles that i had on for no reason right and he cuts my eye to get laid and i come up and blood is gushing from my face the cayman way the cayman ways and so i'm cushing blood and the girl sees what we did this fucking loud annoying drunk piece of shit blood coming from my face and she came to save my eye and she got me a wet rag

and put it over my eye and then we started talking from there god and pacey was just looking like who was this snorkel my god you were like dawson you got joey in the end oh wait no i think joey ended up with pacey did she i don't know oh i'm sure this girl probably likes pacey more to me at this point no no but i hooked up with her in um and it was like 120 degrees and she had a huge bush i just remember didn't you just say her full name can we take out her yeah first name but i think it's funny to leave in this part of like revealing that he did say her full name before and then went on to say she had a huge bush good for her yeah yeah no i wasn't saying it negatively but it was very i'm just but out 120 degrees did part of its singe

off that's what i'm saying. I didn't mind the bush. It was just a lot of bush for how hot it was. I mean, yeah, weather should probably factor in here. But she was on a trip. We were living in little tents. Next story. Next story. At Las Vegas strip clubs, dancers hope to shed pasties as pandemic rules are eased so they can get back to making their regular earnings.

So they're wearing pasties for COVID? What's coming out of nipples? You know what? I read the story, and the pasties actually have nothing to do with it. And I was all excited because I thought the pasties had to do with COVID. But it was like a phrase,

like a way of them saying, like, shed the pasties, like, shed the regulations that are going against them. What are the regulations on? So they got to dance six feet away. Okay. There's no lap dancing. There's no lap dances. the pasties like shed the regulations that are what are the regulations on so they gotta dance six feet away oh okay there's no lap dancing there's no lap dances it's have 50 patrons can be in there essentially they're like it's like a bikini bar now it's pathetic and they want to do the lap dances again they want to like oh they've lost so much money like the amount of

strippers have gone from like 200 to 70 there they're all like destitute because they can't make a living. Fuck. Oh. But can you imagine a lap dance from six feet? I mean, your dick would have to be so long. I mean, I don't understand lap dances to begin with because I'm just like, I was talking to someone about it recently.

I'm like, so you just like go home hard. No, you come in your pants like I do. I don't think that's a normal thing, Andrew. Oh. But isn't that, I mean, that's not normal to come in your pants from a lap dance. I would say it's. I'm sure it's maybe 10% of the time it happens. But let's say that doesn't mean, the 90% of the time a guy's just going.

Do people, do guys just leave strip clubs so hard? And like so horny and kind of like angry? Are there lots of like parking lot brawls because of the horny rage that's coming out of strip clubs probably a lot of car accidents a lot of road rage with their cock hitting the steering wheel do you but i'm serious yeah yeah no i mean i used to frequent strip clubs a lot i almost became a bouncer at a strip club actually but uh yeah no i i don't know you're like happy you saw tits and vagina you're not like oh my dick is hard oh no but are you like would you fuck anything when you walk out of there well this is the thing in florida a lot

and in atlanta girls it's a place to hang out like if you're a single lady go to a strip club right smart yeah horned up guys that really can't take it out uh literally yeah or like they can't yeah that's good like but um yeah and i love going to i love horny men i think it's so funny because we look dumb right you guys just look so stupid and you're just like so like you're drooling and you're just like you're so dumb you're all look like you're like on laughing gas like you're all like drunk but not in an obnoxious way where you're loud you're kind of like quiet and like nervous but like dumb and it's so hot i love horny men i think it's one of the most attractive things when a man just gets kind of bludgeoned by uh like intoxicated uh i've never given a lap dance to a guy like or strip tease in bed? Because I think it's a really hot turn on if a girl strips away from me in bed, but it never really happens.

It's hard to bring up. Have you ever done that? No, but I would do that totally. I would do a sexy dance. I guess it's never just occurred to me. But yeah, I'd probably do it. Or strip slowly away from the guy so then it makes him want you. Because sometimes when tits are so close to you,

it's like you don't really see how beautiful they are like mine looks like an old like yeah like a biplane i don't know i was just thinking of like when you blur your eyes there's one that had an old like yeah i think try that next time strip like five feet away from the guy and see i bet you it'll turn him on so much okay i look forward to trying that out but i do feel very awkward with like being sexual and like moving slowly and sensually i mean actually i don't feel that way when i'm like in uh like uh when i'm feeling sexy like lately i've been feeling like very comfortable with my like nudity and like sexuality because i like had been hooking up recently. So it makes you so much more comfortable than when you're not. I was talking to a friend of mine who's an older woman. She's in her late 40s, not older than me woman. Looks great, but she was like,

oh, now that I'm having a fling with a guy like I don't care what my body looks like in public. Like I can wear whatever I want. I can like I can dance now. And it's not because I'm like, wow, I'm so sexy. It's just like being naked with someone and being like comfortable in front of someone and being comfortable with your body because you're just like being like you just feel comfortable. Like yesterday I wore a thong bikini at this pool party. Noah. Noah. a thong bikini at this pool party. Noah. Noah.

A thong. Like first of all, I only have one of these because the wardrobe lady, Julie, gave me extra swimsuits that the other girls on the show that are tinier than me and have like better butts and they're much younger than me didn't wear. And yesterday there was a thong bikini and I was just like my my ass is my number one yeah like insecurity because it's just like flat and doesn't have like a like really defined cheek but then i was like am i don't like if am i gonna walk around the pool and someone's gonna see my ass and like make fun of it or is that gonna ruin someone's day or am i gonna make the world a worse place it's like no who the fuck not at all if you're confident in it i mean you're yeah i think like living on an island it's not weird to be in a bikini like wearing bikinis like if you're in new york and you're showing a bikini photo it's like we like look at her in a bikini it's like no this is the

way we live down we're island people now you know it's like that in the summer like in the spring you start getting used to summer and you like wear tank top and you're like i'm back yeah and then by august you're like i could wear like a sundress to church and like not feel like a whore because you just get used to like skin so when you're in a tropical climate like it doesn't feel like you're being naughty it's just like this is what comfortable is and if you're hooking up like it just makes you more sexual and like makes you more um at least it makes me more comfortable with my body i think it's awesome how comfortable you've been with your in like i think also with the show like the

outfits that they have you in and stuff like i don't know it's just awesome to see how confident you are within yourself and feel i feel like yeah i look like a 36 about to be 37 year old woman who is in stuff like i'm not trying to be younger than i am even though that swimsuit was made for a much younger girl like i just feel like i just look like what i look like and like if it isn't as good as another girl's body like i don't it just doesn't matter i just want to like look fun and cute and like feel good myself and i know that's all cliche but i'm really starting to understand it and i'll go back to normal once we go back to st louis uh okay do we have time for why why do you care yeah we do why do i care okay why do i care what is it today

yeah i think you're gonna care about this one before i even read the whole headline taylor swiss breaks record held by the Beatles for 54 years. Taylor has topped the Fab Four by making chart history with the re-release of Fearless. She has three number one albums, Fearless, Folklore, and Evermore. In one year? Yeah. Or like in the same, in the... In 259 days. Wow.

The Beatles hit number one with three albums in a row, but it took them 364 days. Wow. Wow. Wow. Just under a year for them. I mean, this doesn't surprise me. She is prolific.

The fact that she redid fearless, which was her second album, I think second, maybe third. I don't really know Taylor pre read like the history of Taylor so much. Sorry to all Swifties out there, but yeah, I am. pre-read like the history of Taylor so much uh sorry to all Swifties out there but um yeah I'm I'm actually getting to experience this album for the first time as a Taylor Swift fan because I

didn't really dig into it that far um before because it was just pre when I fell in love with her and so this she re-recorded all these songs and they they're just like they're all written by her when she was 17 i mean i just recently started like writing like poems and lyrics and stuff like literally just recently like putting myself out there in that way of like being kind of saccharine and like overly sentimental and it's just very awkward for me can you imagine things you did when you were 17 still standing the test of time and then re-recording those and being proud of them it's it's it's incredible how good she was it is wild there is something about being 17 though and not second guessing every single decision that you make like i feel

like sometimes the older i get the more cynical it's yeah the more cynical i get so like to be sentimental was probably easier when i was 16 i mean i was writing she hits the bottle my poetry back then you know what i mean like i was writing poems back then and being probably more uh free with your feelings yeah yeah than i am now yeah i just um but yeah no it's beautiful that she was able to re-release it she also it was big fuck you too uh and she got all the same musicians all the and she took every line by line so that it sounds as close to the original as possible which i really respect as like someone who does stan a lot of those originals like 15 you belong with me the best day those are my favorite

songs off that album and they sound exactly the same but there's just a maturity to her voice that is uh that that i relate to more than like the 17 year old version it's just amazing and and that's why you care yeah yeah i care a lot anything taylor swift i i realize now i just had a dream last night about taylor swift again where it could have been taylor swift eats a hot dog we were in a relationship oh my god if she ate a hot dog i'd be disappointed in her to be honest with you i feel like a vegan dog yeah there we go that That's better. All right.

Let's get into our segment, Listener Mail. This is where we hear from you, the listener, whether you write into the show at the Nikki Glazer podcast at Gmail, or you can write us a DM on Nikki Glazer pod, which is just, we're picking up so many new followers on there. Thank you so much. It is a private account, so you have to request access. And we put out exclusive content on there made just for you guys. And we started a TikTok.

And we started a TikTok. Andrew did it for us yesterday. Our first video, or two days ago, our first video was up. It's us dancing to WAP. It's not the WAP dance of TikTok. But if you have any ideas for us to do fun TikTok things that won't require us like learning a dance over seven hours, send them our way. Any like kind of fun TikTok quizzes or games, or I don't even know.

Um, but I'm a little too busy to be on TikTok and it sucks my life away, but happy to contribute to sucking yours away. I can't have it on my phone. It's the only thing I have. Okay. Listener mail. Dear Nikki, my love for you definitely leveled up when you said you love

birds. When you said your favorite gift you ever got was your parrot named Kiwi, I got so excited because I also have a parrot named Kiwi. I feel like a lot of people have a misconception that birds aren't quote-unquote good pets or that they're not affectionate. So thanks for getting the word out about how amazing they are. I do have to call out Andrew about his comment that birds can't cuddledle i attached some photos of kiwi cuddling

me as proof to be fair she has no arms so her version of cuddling me is squishing her tiny nugget body into my neck as hard as she can what a sweetie this is a adorable picture of julia from seattle cuddling with kiwi she said keep up the amazing work the three of you bring so much joy to my work weeks oh this email has already run too long for me to go into more detail but there are so many tangents you guys have gone on that have made me had me absolutely cracking up julia thank you wishing you all the swells julia from seattle thank you so much julia kiwi is so cute i just want to stress that birds are great pets please try to rescue a bird because um we don't want to contribute to people breeding birds that you know are stolen from their nests and brought to America and smuggled.

So make sure you always get a bird that is either like off Craigslist, someone like can't take care of it anymore, or you go to a bird rescue. But do not buy a bird from a breeder or from PetSmart or anything like that. Julia, thank you so much. I love you and I love Kiwi. And doesn't that look sweet, Andrew? What do you think about that? It does. You know, I mean, my thing was a bird couldn't lay on its side,

so you couldn't spoon a bird, which that was my big thing. But I look at this photo and I see. If anyone out there has a pet eagle, a gigantic buzzard, a seven-foot wingspan that is laying on its side and spooning their owner. Please send it in. I mean, look, there may be an ostrich I think could possibly lay on its side. I'm just saying, show me one bird on its side. Birds do lay on their sides, but I don't think it's comfortable for them.

And I think the spooning part is the one that I have a more of a problem with do you want to read the next question uh next question this is from stewart uh the woman the woman asking for help that dropped her large bra size was kind of cut agreed the size was ancillary to the problem um ancillary okay wait i don't remember this one. Noah, can you refresh my memory about the woman who dropped the... She has D-tits. Oh, yeah. Of course, Andrew remembers.

Yeah. And she couldn't... She was wondering why her boyfriend doesn't suck on them and she asked for advice. Oh, yes, of course. Yes, I'm picking up my skin and Andrew just stopped me

and Andrew's biting his nails. Oh, my God. I always pick this thing open. It's like a weird thing that I have on my knee and if it's bloody, you know that I'm going through stress. Why are you stressed? What do you mean?

I don't know. I'm just going, you know, the show ending. Things ending. All that stuff. Look at where we are. It's the best place ever. I really feel happy right now. I'm actually not sad or stressed right now at all um but you're bleeding a lot even though i might yeah because it just feels so good to pick it off and now i feel better now i'm not bleeding

yet um okay yes you're right like mention the thing is like i think it was pertinent to the email to mention she had deep breaths because we might've been like, well maybe he doesn't like the size of your boobs or maybe like he doesn't think you want to draw attention to them cause they're smaller. So to say that their D's was to like provide information that would help us come to a maybe possible reason why the guy didn't like him. So I will, I will say Stuart,

you are incorrect. It is not care, but cool, but great question. And, um, yeah, very well could have been care. It was close to k if they were e's maybe all right next i think guys just hear d's and are like geez but d's nowadays aren't even that big double d's though boy i don't know what it is

it really gets you going yeah triple d's doesn't even do it i think it's the alliteration of double d's guys just like start foaming at the mouth isn't it weird that you guys are like babies whenever you like whenever a guy has like sucked my tits i always like i'm like this is so edible how long should a guy suck tits for like does it get to a point where it does feel like a baby or is there like a certain amount of time that as long as you're getting down to the pussy like i do well sometimes i feel like i just miss their face like i really like kissing during like other stuff so like i just want their face back up in my face. But do you enjoy a guy sucking on your nipples?

Yes, it feels good. But it's different for everyone. Some women love it. Like I have a friend who like would like it for hours. Hours? Like it's what she likes more than anything. She just wanted to be a mother, I think. I mean, that's what I think.

Noah, do you like when your nipples are sucked on? I love it. You do? For how long? I don't, you know, I've never been with a guy who like sucks them for an extended amount of time. But I wouldn't mind it. And I tried to really disconnect the whole baby thing from it. Yeah, but dude, does it sometimes pop up where you're like, he does look like a baby and this might be a mother thing for him?

No, it never comes up, Nikki. Well, girls, everyone listening now, think about it next time you're guys down there and just cradle his head and start singing him Rockabye Baby. Cuddle him like an eagle. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What about nibbling on the nipple? It's fine. No. Okay.

No. Like soft. No. Yeah. No biting them off. I don't mind it. Sometimes it does hurt and you're like, ah, but I don't know. What about when we try to put the whole tit in our mouth is that too much is that's like us trying to fit your whole ball sack in our mouth like some people like it um i kind of yeah i don't know

do you relate as a guy as a guy i always feel weird like being sucking the tits for an extent because i just feel like she's like just get to my pussy already. Like, what do you know? No, I mean, why don't you just finger her while you do it? Nah,

yeah, that's true. I just would rather your face, like, Noah, do you relate to wanting them to be kissing you while you're like,

on your way to an orgasm? it's funny that Andrew's like, oh, they just want us to get down to their pussy, but I don't think so. Like, that's,

no, I don't think so either. Like, I want all the foreplay. Keep your hands down there. Keep your face up here. I like, I need to No, I don't think so either. I want all the foreplay. Keep your hands down there. Keep your face up here. I need to kiss while I'm about to do the thing. I love kissing.

About to have the thing. As soon as it's approaching, okay, this is finishing up for me, you need to come back up and kiss my face because I kind of like to... But that's not every woman, I don't think. Some girls can just... I can't ever,

I need like help with it and like permission. So I need the person right there being like, you, you can do it now. Or like you must, you know, and I not like down there. I feel like too removed.

I'm like, come back up and hang out with me. I get that. Okay. Final letter. Okay. Besties. This is from Justin. Hey y'all thank you both and everyone who works

on the show for this podcast i've been a fan of nikki's for a few years and randomly found the show after watching her on conan i live in texas right now covid but i'm normally in new york so my social life has been non-existent i work from home and have never met my co-workers because i started this job during the pandemic i listened to the show while at work and it's been fun i feel like we are all working together and exchanging some kind of fun banter you'd normally share during the day. Also, I grew up in Dallas and was a huge Kid Craddock RIP fan. And this reminds me of that same vibe. I feel like I was on the Kid Craddock show at some point when I was in Dallas. Thanks for being my friends. LMAO. I realize how sad that sounds during this time. Can't wait for when y'all start the video. Dude,

we totally feel it. I don't know who's Kid Craddock. Was he a radio guy? Yeah, he's gone now, but I want to Google him. Noah said she Googled him to me before we started the show and said that he's well-loved. We do get that message a lot, though, where it's like, oh, I just feel like I'm hanging out with my best friends

or just hanging out with friends, like having a and i don't know that's that seems awesome like that's all i would want from a show that's what i wanted to create because i felt that way with the shows that i used to love like the the the podcast that would make me the happiest that i based this on is never not funny uh walking the room um which is a podcast that isn't around anymore um you know different like the adam carolla show that i used to listen to on my drives to work in like 2006 when i was living in los angeles howard stern obviously like just yeah like you you could sit down and join us and you if we ran into you in public justin you could sit down and like fit right in we wouldn't need to like we it wouldn't

be awkward and i feel that way for everyone who listens regularly so i'm glad you're feeling that vibe too because i feel it so much like that message doesn't surprise me or make me cringe at all like you said oh my god i realize how sad that sounds to me that doesn't sound sad at all and that is how i feel about our fans i feel like they're my friends too i think the fact that we that's hot we go away from k or we try to as hard as we can yeah it's relatable and like people want to hang out with you i want to promise the fans will never i will never lie to you i honestly like if i don't want to tell you something i just won't tell it to you but i'm never gonna like fake something or lie to you or because i just i don't lie in general um or i try not to um but you can just trust us

like friends and if i don't want you guys to know some information i'll tell you that i don't want you to know it you know what i mean i won't lie to you about it uh final thought andrew what are some what how do you feel about your birthday today uh Uh, here, uh, in the Caymans, do you, in, sorry, in Cayman Island, do you want to extend our, our stay here possibly two more weeks? How does that sit with you?

Um, Oh, wow. A lot of, a lot of different thoughts. I didn't even think of that. I mean, I mentioned it last night at dinner,

I think. Um, part of me wants to get home, get back just cause I don't, there's no real, you know, when you don't want to get home get back just because i don't there's no real you know when you don't want to get your d-dub oh no oh i definitely want to hook up with the girl that i was talking to when i was there i mean i definitely miss holding her and being by her side and cuddling her like an eagle and just being there for her like a pet eagle um i know that would be probably the main reason

why I'd want to get back to St. Louis. There's no other real reason, honestly. Okay, so I'm glad we followed up on that. You're like, I kind of want to get back. No real reason. I'm like, you mean only one reason? Well, I'm saying other than... You miss toasted raviolis

and the St. Louis Blues? Yeah, I miss a cardinal game you know you know the the things that we haven't even been to yet i just think like getting back to somewhat a normalcy i think like living here we're kind of uh avoiding reality however this is our reality so that's not a way to look at it either the reality that we're avoiding is not the reality either it's covid yeah it's like why not wait because that it won't be around forever hopefully fingers crossed um i am looking into just like maybe uh staying i don't know here at this hotel i mean i uh i'm in heaven i guess yeah i mean it is fucking great i just don't want to go back to mass god i wish i could invite her down here but yeah you can't i mean that's the

only that's the literally the only because like you know we were gone for quite a while and when you extend be like oh i'm gonna be there and you kind of count it down there's nothing worse than a countdown to see someone and then you you go, by the way, it's two more weeks. Just count down. It actually is getting started again. Sex is obviously a very appealing thing. I would probably, if I had sex with someone I loved, or if I had sex with someone I cared about waiting for me back in St. Louis,

I would be back there. I wouldn't have even finished the show that I was working on. Well, now you're making me seem like a real piece of shit. No, no. I mean, like, it's such a drive. I mean, should I fly back on Wednesday and you stay here? I mean, that's a very big possibility. I mean, you could do that.

We could continue the show remotely. Yeah, but no, I would probably stay. Yeah, it just, I wish I could have my. It's just like we are in paradise with no reason to go back except so that you can have sex with the girl you're talking to. I love that it's gone from girlfriend to talking to. Happy birthday. First of all, I don't want to share this with the listeners.

However, it wasn't... It's not, we just haven't had the discussion yet. Yes. No, no, no. It makes sense that you haven't. So it's more on her side than my side. I could call her more than that, but I don't know if she even wants that without me officially doing it. Yes.

I'm just kidding. But I do love when guys are like, I'm talking to someone. I never want to be a girl that a guy is talking to, unless we're legit just talking, like texting and waiting to meet up. But yeah. If I i'm having sex with someone you're not allowed to say you're talking to me and in fact i will stop talking to you if you say you're talking to me it's interesting because i think she wants to feel like she's talking to me still yeah she might be a little bit more um apprehensive than you are which is not the normal girl thing but i i kind of i really respect it actually oh the best is when we hook up and she leaves at one in the morning because she says my

bed is uncomfortable yeah i mean it's the best it's the number one way to get a guy to like you is to act like a guy yeah have sex and get the hell out of dodge because they're just like wait what i usually do this to you and they're're like, no, your bed is worthless, and I'd rather be alone right now. I don't want to cuddle. I mean, what a good move. Such a strong move. And you sleep better.

In her mind, she's whispering to you, it sounds like. She's awesome. Well, happy birthday, Andrew. We're going to have a good day today. We're going to have a great week. Birthday week, just kidding. I'm only giving you the day. An hour at best.

I think you're leaving lunch at 1 or something. i got i got i canceled my plan so i could stay you made it earlier uh no yeah so i could leave earlier um happy birthday thank you and thank you for um dinner last night and thank you for being a good friend and let's go get my birthday the the gift shop unless they're really overpriced or we go get an iphone 12 or something i would never buy you a fucking iphone 12 are you kidding me see that i resent that you think i would ever buy you a thousand dollar phone well a man could dream yeah keep dreaming go back to Go back to bed. How'd you sleep? Talk to you guys tomorrow. See you on the podcast.

Send Andrew a happy birthday. Can we do a jackpot for my birthday? Yeah, here's a birthday jackpot. John Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late night legend John Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to the Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.