The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #172 Buttweiser, Actually

Episode Date: February 8, 2022

Nikki says that "thank you for your patience" is the new apology and she's not having it! Andrew gets vulnerable while explaining how he doesn't like confrontation. Somehow that leads to a conversation about extinction. Andrew made some new friends and Nikki talks about being orange. You Heard It Here First, more co'uhl than naughty Build-A-Bear, joining the mile high club made easy and Nikki does care about Hailey Baldwin's glazed donut look. In Top 1 Bottom 1 they talk about compliments. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to Minnie Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. You are cordially invited to... The Hottest Party in Professional Sports.

I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production

in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apples, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join in the conversation.

Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in.

It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, today. Andrew is in a vulnerable state today. So vulnerable. I'm just like really feeling my emotions right now and I'm respected.

He just got very quiet and like didn't know how to use his computer today and it was very and no one remarked I've never, Andrew seems very vulnerable today. Anytime I show like we were

working on this show perfect strangers yeah and uh i forgot something like a computer or whatever and someone's like hey can you bring this in i was like yeah i'm so sorry about that i just really yeah i apologize for not you know uh bringing it and i know it's important to have it here like really sincere yes and i could see him going what the fuck yeah and i'm like no i'm just like i i do care like sometimes he said to me last night he was like andrew's a sweet boy he was very upset about not remembering his laptop he's doing a really good job he was really really sad that he forgot his laptop and i was just like dude what's going on right now like people just think of you as such a uh a funny guy yeah and like just so silly that yeah they forget that you take things seriously which obviously i know you do i remember you're never late that is something about you you're never. Yeah, I think I've only been late one time

in our whole friendship. Why, like, why, what, how do you develop that? Trait? Yeah, like, it seems like that would, lateness seems, no offense, it seems like it would be something that would be a part of you.

Because you just kind of move slow. What do you mean by that? No, no. But it just seems like it would fit your character if someone knew everything else about you and just like the way you were. Being late seems like something that would fit into who you are. I think it's not me.

I don't really care about the other person's feelings or being early. I just think I hate confrontation. So anytime you're late, it makes like a weird vibe in a room that I just don't want to deal with. So I'd rather just show up early. Also, I get a little bright.

Like I just like getting, if I'm awake and I have to be somewhere, I just want to go there. Like I just want to get it over with. That's the thing I read about on these ADHD, like subreddits a lot is that uh a lot of times people are like uh there's like a meme that's like i have an appointment at four o'clock 10 a.m i can't do anything else today because that appointment at four o'clock that is not something that i relate to at all if i have something at

four i'm like oh great i, great. I have six hours. For me, six hours is how you can drive from St. Louis to Cincinnati because that was a common trip that my parents took. And I'm like, that's like such a long time. I can put like five things in there. I don't feel like, oh, my God, I have to be paralyzed until then. But that's such an ADD thing, I think. Well, I have ADD. Right. I know I know. Oh, so you're – till then but that's it's so much that's such an add thing i think of like i have add right i know

i know oh so you're so i think that's like you have that that kind of thing yeah a lot of people with ad add is it's like the same thing with like the airport in the mur in the mur mur in the mur i sound like a fucking cow in the morning in the morning uh yeah i can't fucking sleep because i think i'll be late and then i don't know who will be angry like whatever no you don't like confrontation i think it's coming down to that like if you don't want to be in trouble you don't want to be um you don't want to be criticized yeah or or the weird thing is people are late with me all the time and i never give a fuck right it's that whole thing of like we treat others and we don't expect others will treat us Well, the weird thing is people are late with me all the time, and I never give a fuck. Right. It's that whole thing of we treat others,

and we don't expect others will treat us the same way. Yeah, yeah. Or we don't give ourselves the same leniency. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think I am able to do that with other people. It's like, oh, yeah, when people are running 10 minutes late for me, that means on time in our world. Oh, sorry, I forgot to put the do not disturb uh uh no thank you today good spanish nick okay thank you so much wow you learned a lot yeah mucho gracias

whoa there we go um upside down exclamation point before i said all that um yeah I just think that are you a late person no you're always on time it depends on the weekend I usually run late okay there are some people that are just chronically late I've become almost a chronically 10 minutes late 7 minutes late person

but what goes on through your mind that make I've become almost a chronically 10 minutes late, seven minutes late person. But I'm really good at saying- What goes on through your mind that make... Look, a lot of times you just have to pack more shit. I get that. You usually have to like... But what do you think it is that like... So if you're seven minutes late all the time, that is also like a repetitive thing that you're doing.

It's like me showing up early every time. You're doing the same. Because for me, seven minutes is... Because I'm so used to other people being late. And I know that seven minutes is... I can get so much done in seven minutes. It's literally I can get a nap in seven minutes. So for me to push everything seven minutes late,

what I know is a forgivable time. No one would ever call me a late person for being seven minutes late in LA and New York, which which is where i'm mostly running and pretty much anywhere that is no one would go she was seven minutes late when you're going 15 and beyond that's when it gets annoying i mean you were telling a story yeah like there was someone that was late recently like 45 minutes late and they didn't say anything once they arrived. I mean, that's wild. I mean, what is going on in that person's mind while they're in the fucking Uber coming to-

I mean, it would drive me bananas. But I almost liked it because I was like, oh, there's this new thing, though, where people won't say I'm sorry. Yeah. We have a guy, a PA on the show, who is so sweet, who is like our first first connection to like what's

going on so he'll come to my dressing room and be like hey they're gonna mic you in 10 minutes hey we're just checking in like how much time do you guys need like he's our go-to he's so sweet his name is Steven and lately he's been coming to the room and saying hey I just want to thank you so much for your patience we're like delayed a little bit today thank you so much for your patience and the other day i go did you watch some ted talk about not saying sorry and saying thank you for your patience instead and he was like yeah how did you know that i'm like because you never say sorry and he's like i just don't sorry just and it's this new thing people are doing this thank you for your patience i don't mind a sorry i as we all know i love an apology i i'm not gonna think less of you or like be like oh wow he's such a little bitch he says

sorry but i also i don't mind to thank you for your patience i think that's also a sweet thing to say i think that both can be said and i don't think by saying you're sorry you're admitting to fault i hate when you say oh my god i'm so sorry you lost your father or like whatever they go you didn't kill him it's just like okay well me saying sorry does not mean i'm taking accountability i'm sorry that happened to you yeah i'm so sorry you're sick it's not you didn't give me this and it's just like okay so sorry for saying sorry and that people say that sometimes i also feel like you know sorry just is uh connected with weakness you know especially in work like related to like you never apologize then you're

a beta bitch well it's because you're taking accountability and accountability is such a beta thing to do it's just like why why is being wrong so bad it's because people like you know well they use as leverage yeah yeah yeah i mean what kind of fucking person like why do we respect that or like reward someone that uses someone's i guess weak aka weakness yeah as a way for them to can you imagine donald trump ever saying i'm't. I read the greatest thing. I can't. Sam Harris, like there's always sometimes on these Sam Harris, the Sam Harris

subreddit, they'll go like, what was that one quote he said about Trump once? Because he says beautiful, like poetic diatribes about what an awful person Trump is. And he does it in a way that's not like how every other person talks about Trump that we've all heard. It's just there's one that I really liked he says to my eye he lacks nearly every virtue for which we have a word wisdom curiosity compassion generosity discipline

courage whatever your list he's got none of these things but his supporters know that and he's a paragon of greed and narcissism and pettiness and malice, real malice. This is a man who wears his hatreds on his sleeve, and he will suddenly revile people who he claimed to admire only yesterday. So while he demands loyalty from everyone around him, really above all else, he's an amazingly disloyal person. All of this is right on the surface. I just love that so much. He said this about him he goes uh it's like if you took professional wrestling mcdonald's french fries the nra and infomercials of bogus products that don't work and you stuck them in a back of a track you stuck them in the

back of a tacky white limousine and drove it around central park 500 times out would step donald trump uh he said that once if he if his brain he like inherited if if you snapped your fingers and he got trump's brain he would without question hurl himself through a window like the priest and the exorcist and realize he was just you know like he doesn't want like it was just such a funny image i loved it i feel like like in today's world though and i think this is why people aren't also saying sorry is like if you apologize before you get accused then it's the same way of admitting guilt. And people will jump all over you for that too. So it's like, you know, recently Rogan has apologized for stuff. And everyone's like, well, why didn't he apologize before? I loved his apologies, by the way.

I didn't see the one about the N-word thing because I'm just like, I'm a little more, oh yeah. I'm a little too apologized out right now. Like, especially like watching his 10 minute one i which i felt sorry i felt it was sincere i felt he course corrected i felt he acknowledged that the power he has he's uncomfortable with it's new to him he has to be better about it what he's going to do in the future it was a perfect apology that to me did not seem like a publicist helped him out with it it didn't seem it seemed

like he just grabbed his camera and spoke from the heart and that to me is what i took from it um i mean also it's like you don't apologize like if you did something in your past and no one's yelling at you about it and you've grown from that point there's no point to apologize if you and as someone who's done so many podcasts i have said things i don't remember what i've said i don't like you don't people who don't podcast every day you don't know what you've said you just it goes out i'm not sitting here thinking oh my god that one thing i said that one podcast if anyone comes finds it i'm done i'm not waiting in the wings for like i i'm sure he he didn't even think about like if he did i'm sure he would have done something to have those removed i don't i think

he knows the um you know what i'm saying like i don't i don't think he was if he thought about it he would have gotten ahead of it he does he just seemed he's someone to me that has made mistakes he realizes he made them and why can't people that's what I put on my you know Instagram this weekend it's like and I talked about it on my Instagram live that I went on with besties this weekend about apologies like everyone whenever a celebrity apologizes to avoid getting canceled or because they're on the precipice of getting canceled everyone goes oh of course they're just trying to save themselves. Why can't it be both?

Wouldn't you, if everything you had was threatened, when people were saying cancel, for someone to argue that cancel culture exists when literally people are saying cancel him, there's no argument. It does exist. It does exist. And it's so awful that we want to ruin people's lives

because they may have made mistakes that they can atone for and actually do a lot to get to change and talk to people that talked like that way regularly and show them the error of their ways instead of just canceling them and saying like, that's not going to do anything to support your cause of making people talk the way you want them to is to not forgive them if they've ever slipped up in the past ever and to

go oh now you're apologizing because like and in the same breath i feel like you can you can go i love this person but i'm also critiquing uh i'm also uh i could critique them and take criticism towards them where it's warranted without the person thinking that they want them to be canceled right you know what i mean but that's that's not that's not if you people want his head like people are saying cancel him cancel oh yeah no i'm saying there are that i'm saying no but there's also people that are like he can't do any wrong so therefore like no i think that the best way to approach it is like we're all fucking flawed we're all gonna make mistakes when you make them hopefully you admit that you've done wrong or if you haven't done wrong explain to

us why you still feel that way and then fucking i watched this video just apologize should be accepted you should you should be able to both want your career back and making a move in that regard to save your fucking career because we live in a capitalist society. Of course you want to save your fucking career. Everyone would do that. These people being like, you just want to save your career.

If someone was trying to cancel you, wouldn't you do the same? But also, isn't it also possible to be sorry for what you did too? This was amazing. Can't both be true. Dave Portnoy, however you want to think of him, he had a conversation with these three brothers

that are like medias touch, whatever. They're like a Democratic kind of left-sided thing that really goes after and critiques, and they claim to not want to cancel or whatever. And so they're talking about joe rogan and and how you know he said the n-word this many times and dave forner he's like well i have pretty good evidence that one of you've used the n-word in a in a private conversation and then you see them all go like they just felt that feeling just for a second and he goes is one of you engaged to lexi and the guy's like and he he had like he had him and the guy could feel for one second of like if you dig up

every single skeleton is there something in there well you know what if someone said that to me i have evidence of you saying that word i would go no you don't because I don't say it and now if I said it and someone said that I'd go what no no like you could tell if I've said you know yeah if you haven't said it you haven't said it you know that about yourself you know like that's the difference like that's so funny oh it was and but you know what like I did like watching this I could show you I can send you the link to it but it was and but you know what like i did like watching this i could show you i could send you the link to it but it was an interesting conversation because you know uh the n-word video apparently was created by alex jones which is fucking compilation yeah which is wild to me

because everyone's like oh it was made by these guys or by the Patriot or Patriot takes, but apparently it was made by Alex. That's what they were claiming. So then I heard Carlos Mencia was the first person to do it. And that Joe stole video and just added a Spanish accent to it. I don't know. It's just like, no,

but that changes everything. I didn't watch the N word. I didn't watch any of it. And so I can't really comment on any of that stuff but it was just interesting i thought it was interesting that his first episode back from all of this was a guy on a scientist on to talk about um you know cataclysmic climate uh events that would reset humanity i guess it puts things in perspective of what we're arguing about well i think tomorrow meteor could hit us to me i was like yeah we all need this we need a reset on i feel like we need a reset on humanity if i could i would restart my computer of humanity and go can we take this again because this is out of control

yeah but then you could say that every 20 years whenever after world war one when 100 million people died you're, that's probably, maybe that is the reset. Like, maybe that is what it comes down to is like we end up destroying our, maybe we are what ends up destroying us.

Don't Look Up was a very interesting commentary on all of that. You know, of pretty much it was, and humanity will reset itself. Humanity will not be around forever. It's just impossible. Because forever is is forever the idea of like the dumb beetle or whatever that survives through

everything is like i'm just waiting for my time like when it's just me again and my boys the cockroach and gray's anatomy aren't those the two things that'll survive i do think it's so funny that not funny but really fascinating to remember that dinosaurs were around for like millions and millions of years I don't even know how long some insane amount of time and humans have only as we know them have only been around for what I'm guessing 30,000 years maybe even 10,000 us like should we look it up i think you homo sapiens as we are have been like the the evolved species we are now it's 10 000 years and humanity like you know modern civilization that's only been since 1982 iphone i think

so it's the iphone 4 actually it wasn't even the first three i don't even come close to how long the dinosaurs around they all went extinct that was a much bigger event to have them go away than us we haven't even been around that long you know what i'm saying oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's it's just to think that we like nothing's ever gonna happen to us like well the dinosaurs lasted we're around way longer than we were I'm sure the dinosaurs were all being like, blah, blah, blah, blah. And meanwhile, what it means is, dude, I can fucking eat all the plants I want.

I can fucking shit wherever I want. Nothing's ever going to change. We're all good. I always love that. I'm going to open up this fucking... The meteor shot of when the dinosaurs are just eating and they always have to do a reenactment. And the dinosaurs are always like, and they always have to like a re re and like what is it called when they reenactment yeah and the dinosaurs are always like oh and the meteor comes they're just like jumping on some

like rubbish and there's like a t-rex just like walking and then they just go like oh i just love them all turning that's what i picture the end of dinosaurs was like it's so funny okay we gotta go to break and come back with the news Andrew John Stewart is back at the Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with the Daily Show ears edition podcast dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups,

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We're back. Andrew, did you have fun this weekend? We ended the day off yesterday. We have it today, too. Yeah, I had a good time this weekend. know i um i met some old guys playing golf one guy actually huge comedy fan from kansas city give him a shout out his name's andrew as well uh yeah you just meet these guys that like just i don't know there's something about golf and just meeting new people where it's like hey man you do this i do this we're obviously the same person yeah let's fucking drive around drink beers and talk about how much we hate our wives you know like that's like

wasn't there a woman with you guys yeah we threw her off the card i'm told number nine the golf course here like i didn't know this is how dumb my brain is in add like this is like the mecca yes that's what i knew that like like i keep coming up to these golf courses and be like this is how am i did i die like i honestly like if you see this video of me i I'm hitting a ball down a 300-foot cliff into the ocean. How much does it cost to play these places? One was $130. Yesterday was expensive, but I don't usually play around.

It was $200. Yeah. But that was all-inclusive. So every six holes is tacos and as much as you can drink. What? Yeah. So all these people I'm playing with are getting fucking hammered. Yeah.

And I'm just drinking diet Pepsi. So do people do bad on the back nine because they usually poorly because they are so drunk? It's a good question because I think there's a line between it actually loosens you up. So maybe around like the sixth hole they're peaking yeah there was a lady we played with a lady yesterday and she had a great swing but she played like shit but she her back was fucked up and then she stopped complaining about her back after like nine drinks and i was like oh oh yeah that'll take care of that that's's why people drink. Emotional pain, physical pain. I mean, it really does numb it out.

But it's just tough. Anyone that plays golf, they know if you get paired up, you can get paired up with strangers. And if they're worse than you, it can make you play worse because you're waiting on them, even though they could be fun and whatever.

If they suck, then you're like... It rubs off. Yeah, because then you're hitting a ball. It ruins your momentum. Same with comedy. If you're following people yeah because then you're hitting a ball like it ruins your momentum comedy if you're following people that are shit you get lazy or two oh yeah it's like you just kind of pick up some of the habits and you just like yeah i i like playing with way better players than me because it makes me play better like it just and uh some people want to be the best like in any group but that's not pushing you like what's

gonna push you like yeah i want to be the second best what's that i want to be the second best and everything i do i really like that i like being because i want a little competition i want to be like maybe i could be the best i haven't achieved it yet because once you're the best well that's where people go fucking crazy because there's nothing else to do. I saw a Matthew McConaughey video this morning and he talks about chasing what he chases is himself in 10 years. Instead of competing against

other people, he competes against his future self. Is he going to... But he'll be older, so wouldn't he be able to surpass that guy? I guess he'd be wiser and better at whatever he does. Oh, oh. I don't think that's going to work.

That doesn't seem like it's going to. When I was saying it, I was like, wait, this doesn't really make much sense. He should run for president. That dude can talk and make you think he could cure fire on your face. Cure fire on your face. Speaking of your face, you did a tutorial video last night. Oh, yeah. A skincare tutorial.

It was really funny. Well, I like kind of pitched the idea to you a little bit, and you thought it was funny. Yeah. And yeah, it's just so funny to do like, because like skincare, like guys, I don't realize like guys do not do skincare. Guys do think it's weak or whatever

it is or they don't have time for it it literally takes like 35 seconds to put on like four different things and we we amplify it in our head we don't need it we have fucking rough scars on our whatever it is like we want our face to look like a weathered catcher's mitt you know fucking alligator you know that's like that's kind of like what we want to like we don't face to look like a weathered catcher's mitt you know fucking alligator you know that's like that's kind of like what we want to like we don't give a fuck but yeah it's just funny my little brother just sent me he just bought everything i should like it actually influenced yes yes there's something funny about doing something manly like we've talked about that before like the girliest thing if you make it like palatable to a fucking yeah the thing you were

making fun of actually worked to do what you wanted to do which was like yeah you can take care of yourself and it's not gay yeah isn't that weird though what is that what i mean why didn't you take care of your skin before i'll tell you because uh uh well it would have made you late to things maybe i i mean there's been plenty of times where i don't like i won't put a charger in to a wall if it's on the other side of the bed you'd rather your phone just die go hit a golf ball for four hours like my brain you know yeah so with cleaning my face it's also like brushing my teeth at night like it just i build it up in my head i'm like i'm so tired i don't even want to yeah i gotta do this whole fucking thing

yes these five steps yes oh yeah it's a lot but i always just think about an spf is for bitches like i never put spf on like that's insane yeah because that's just like you just don't want to get cancer but i mean for me it's less about cancer it's more about like aging old but um which is sad to admit i got this thing on instagram that's uh telling i think you guys about it's a pillow that was so brilliantly marketed towards me but it's a pillow that wraps around your jaw and then comes up around your head it's like a it almost looks like you know when people get into a car accident and they have to have like a help like they're trapped in like headgear or like when like for some reason like a tooth and they have to wrap their head to just yes or like a or like an x-ray of like you just put your head

in this thing that the pillow the white pillow is only on your head and then around your chin and then it's full on the backside so it's like a helmet you put on but it leaves like your cheek and everything and your front of your face totally and you you can have it in bed why is this a thing because so you don't smush your head so you don't smush your face against the pillow i I don't know whether my algorithm... Do you have a dog? Yes, a cone. I don't know whether the algorithm knows that I care about my face being squished when I sleep and I'm a stomach sleeper, or it noticed that part of my face is sagging.

Like it was like, we've detected your right side is one millimeter lower than your left side. You have four of those weird lines i didn't even lay down that long i don't know why they're on with my front tooth uh the invisalign thing i've been wanting to fix yeah and one time i went to the dentist and they put up um like they made me smile and they put this big picture of me smiling on the screen so the doctor could show me that what i thought was a crooked tooth was not crooked it was my face was crooked and he goes do you sleep oh my on one side of your

face because he was like no there's just one side of your face is lower than the other so it makes your it's like if he goes it's not your teeth are crooked it's your face like and he had all the nurses looking at it it was so brutal it was like i was like at a plastic surgeon we're all asymmetrical yes we are we are have you done that thing that side that there's a thing on tiktok where yeah i don't want to do that i don't need anything to show me what's wrong with my face anymore than it is wait does this pillow work i haven't gotten it yet it costs 180 dollars i was and i got it sent to me in st louis so i'm gonna have i wonder if i would i wonder if if that would be hard to sleep, though.

We'll see. I bet you anything I'm not going to use it. I'll use it once, and then I'll be like, fuck this, because I'm very particular about my pillow and wanting no pillow. I know sometimes I just sleep on my stomach. Do you like a firm or a soft pillow? I just like nothing.

I'd rather sleep on a flat mattress than a big pillow. But the pillow I have is that raggedy one that literally squishes down to probably a half an inch. So you put that on every hotel pillow or you just have no pillow except for that pillow? Only that pillow. I don't use any pillow. Why, does your neck hurt?

No, no. It's just like I don't like having a big... I used to sleep with pillows regularly, but I got this pillow from Chris when we first started dating. And it just was... It's the best to have a pillow that has no fluff in it that you can mount. I can fold it to exactly the dimensions I want.

I love it so much. I like a firm pillow. That's probably why my neck hurts. What do you like, Noah? Do you like a... I... Oh, my God. I I like a firm pillow. That's probably why my neck hurts. What do you like, Noah? Do you like a... I... Oh, my God. I don't use a pillow.

I just smush the top of my head into it, and it goes into the headboard, and that's how I sleep. Yes. Wait, wait. Smush your head into what? Do you sleep on your stomach? Yeah, I'm a stomach sleeper.

And so you sleep with, on one side of your face, stomach, right? Mm-hmm. Exactly. Where's your head? Where's your head? On the mattress. On the mattress. What where's your head on the mattress on the mattress

what the hell is going on here above it okay look at okay so if this is the mattress right you just like watch me andrew yeah hold on i'm gonna see if i can do no i hear what i get what she's saying it's wild to me though i feel like that would make your neck lay on the couch right now and do it without on your stomach i mean i I guess I've slept on couches. You do this all the time, dude. I guess I'm here. Hold on. Yes, I am. No, no, no.

Put your head to the side. Put your head all the way down. No hand underneath your thing. Oh, sorry. I'm going to bring... Sorry, I was doing no light. There you go. I would honestly think I died. Your head is still being propped up by the pillow,

so put it all the way forward. Oh. No, no, no. No pillow, dude. No pillow. No pillow. No pillow. Take it away. No, she does that. She said she does that. Try it my way. No pillow. No hand. Yeah, there we go. I mean, that's not terrible. Yeah, pretty nice. I mean, I know some people that do two pillows yeah i'm i'm a no pillow gal let's get to the news you heard it here first you heard it here first what's today monday it's monday folks you know what that means it's monday all the swells all that stuff boy we're having down here. I think we're getting too tan if you ask me. Mine's sloughing off big time

today. I've got like it looks like I have vitiligo. My arm, my spray tan is coming off. Yeah. Someone said to me the other day, one of our besties wrote to me and said, Nikki, I love you, no offense, but you look like a carrot. And I was like,

mission accomplished. I love you, no offense, but you look like a carrot. And I was like, mission accomplished. I love looking, I'd rather be bright orange than pale. Yes, people said you look in that photo with the llama. Yes. But there's a difference between fur. Oh yeah, sorry, excuse me. Yeah. The tall llama.

The camel was with a llama. So Kamala, they said you looked orange, but that's like for video, not for picture. Could you look more orange on a photo than you would on a video? Well, I turned up the saturation on that photo. I was like editing it, so I amped up the saturation, so it definitely looked more orange than I am. But I definitely look orange. I don don't care I really don't care I it to me I don't I don't that that that um insult doesn't bother me and I it makes me feel better than being pale I hate being pale it really I just I really hate my natural skin tone I just don't look good and um so at least orange is better

than pale so i'll take it why do i feel like trump said this on one day i'm not going to apologize for my don't apologize for being orange all right so build a bear releases a line of adult bears no way for a collection called after dark which includes bears drinking wine and wearing a little more than boxers what a little more shouldn't it be less oh yeah probably less i don't know the after dark collection requires visitors to uh to its website to ensure their eight this is so creepy yeah 18 years old or older before they access the site you could go to war and you could fuck a bear no oh yeah when the cursor hovers over a bear on the website uh the outfit disappears revealing a regular teddy bear with no clothing the bears have like holes that you can fuck or something

the bears don't appear to cross the line into a vertly raunchy they're just holding wine and they're dressed in nothing but boxers but aren't they a bear's usually naked so you're adding clothes i don't so dumb god they must be really struggling oh yeah you know what i mean like there must be some like because i remember when build-a-bear was such a fun novelty where you could just get this carcass and you get to stuff it with stuff and then you get to record a little message and put it inside it and you get to kiss this little heart that you put inside the bear.

Do you ever make a Build-A-Bear, Noah? Mm-mm. No. It's really fun. I mean, COVID ruined that. You know, like you're touching everything. You're in it with a lot of people. Don't you do it in the store?

There was always a line. Yeah, I think they probably lost some of the magic before COVID, but it was probably in like 1999 where build a bear really became like this huge thing that was i loved it i thought it was really cool and i was way you know i was in ninth grade when i think they were coming out but i still was like i want to make one like it's just cool what was your bear but did it have like a no i mean i was never someone that had bears. Did it have fake tits? I always wanted to be one of those girls. Yeah, kettlebell bear.

I always wanted, yeah, I would put sand in them. I never was, did you ever have like a banky or like a stuffed animal that was like yours? I always wanted like a velveteen rabbit that was like my little thing that I carried around and sucked on its ear or like, you know, it it soothes me i guess your pillow is that now no that's the first thing i've ever had that like means that much to me and i like start hyperventilating if i think i lost it did you have a teddy no anything i didn't have a little nightgown you have a little AK-47 in Israel? A little AK-21?

An AK-10? I had this like orange dog, like a little tiny orange dog. And I don't know what happened to it. Wow. She grew up and became a comedian. I had a jet ski. I got called an orange dog the other day a lot. You only looked orange

next to the camel. Yeah. Wait, you had a jet ski? A stuffed jet ski? No, no. I'm just saying like things I had in my childhood that I don't know

how they like disappear. I was always jealous of my girlfriends that had like their blankies from childhood that like Kirsten had a Bernal that she called a Bernal.

It's such a cute name. Poppy carries around these little baby dolls. I just never cared about anything that much. I wish I would have. Yeah, I don't know. I just would always lose stuff. If you date a girl and she's 22 and she still has her stuffed animal and has one eye, you're just like, oh. I kind of like that.

I don't know. It kind of turns me off. If she's still sucking on it and stuff and like do it you know oh my god that's what girls used to do like people used to like take the little ear and like rub it on their nose for like comfort you know like little kids do that to feel like soothed i sucked on a lot of things that you know like my thumb and then my shirt you were a thumb sucker i think so i think that's what happened to my teeth i hope yeah i mean that's it's just a soothing mechanism oh my god i have such a funny story for you that i never told you

what augie uh your nephew my aug yeah my augie my oh god that really grossed me out it's so creepy my little augie my builda augie oh my god builda nephew uh you gotta see this photo by the My build-a-oggy. Oh my God. Build-a-nephew. You got to see this photo, by the way. But anyways, my brother hears a door slam and then a scream from the other room. He goes over there and Augie... This is something I would do like yesterday. He tied the string on the wrong tooth. Wow. Wow. Tied the string on the wrong tooth. How do you have a tire string to a tooth?

That's really hard to do. Yeah, I don't know how he did it. When kids used to do that, I'm like, that's just something they do in books. But how funny is that? Little rascals. I don't know if the tooth fell. To like his molar. Yeah, yeah.

He tied it to his new permanent, like big tooth. Oh my God, that's so cute. Oh my God, it's so funny. I think he would have tied it to your penis to like stretch it out. You know? I could see that you're doing that. That's so cute.

Is the dick fairy gonna come, daddy? Oh my, did you have the tooth fairy come? Yeah, but he was pretty cheap. Yeah? Yeah. And he'd forget a lot of times. Well, I thought they would come when I was 27. Yeah, you still lose teeth.

Apparently, the Tooth Fairy just asked for money back when you're 28. Oh, my God. Did you have a Tooth Fairy? What? Dollar? Two dollars? Oh. Oh, my God. Did you have a tooth fairy? What, $1, $2? Oh, yeah, $3. $3 a tooth? Yeah, something like that. That was our allowance as kids.

And we'd just go up to 7-Eleven and buy candy. To get another tooth out. Or play the Addams Family pinball game. That was at the 7-Eleven. God, that was so fun. Noah, did you have a tooth fairy? I don't think my parents knew that in american culture it is such a dumb thing i mean to put your tooth under your well you guys didn't have pillows and

the parents have to like creep in your bedroom it just sounds like something a molester would make up so that they have a reason to like sneak into a child's bed it's so creepy they were just it was probably started by a pedophile that was got caught and he was like uh and someone was like what are you doing jim and he's like um putting money uh yeah i'm just uh you know how he lost his tooth last night there's this thing i heard about where you leave money and that's why my hand is in his mouth yeah yeah yeah but that kid didn't lose his tooth oh no now he did and he just punches him in the face okay um a las vegas-based airline offers private 45-minute flights for its passengers to join the mile high club so for 995 dollars you can join the mile high club flight comes complete with a wireless sound and light system red satin sheets sex position pillows

and cushions and a whole custom-made foam mattress wait so you could pay just under a thousand dollars and you can go up and is it like a private jet or just a private so is it like a nice jet or is it like one of those little like ones where they you know sky write and shit like that like you know like a single engine like oh i would assume it's somewhat decent i mean that's not that much money though yeah but i feel like to just go up and fuck and what you got minutes oh 45 minutes threesomes foursomes and a few swingers members of swingers club i would do that that sounds like just a funny thing to say that you did how many couples go up there at a time like is there multiple rooms one sex act however many

people up to a certain number that you want you know what i mean it could just be you you could just go up there and masturbate up there which would count the mile high your adult build a bear the Rub. God, putting wine with anything is so... I just can't even take it. Some idiot in marketing. We are going to make bears that hold wine and then it's going to be adult. And the thing is, it probably worked. There's probably like...

Wine culture is so stupid. One of them has a shirt that says, Rosé over roses. I can't handle it. I got the kuh shirt yesterday in Cabo Wabo down at where all the cruise ships let up in Cabo. I went shopping yesterday, and I want to show you guys the shirt I got.

I'll talk to Noah while we're doing this. I don't know. I feel like the Mile High Club, though, you're not the Mile High Club unless you do it on a regular flight in the mile high club though it's not the you're not the mile high club unless you do it on a regular flight in the bathroom like I think that's bullshit I think paying a grand or fucking Denver huh

yeah yeah just go fuck on top of a mountain yeah yeah or Denver is just a mile high city oh yeah that's true so anywhere in Denver I would do this I mean it's something that rich people can i'm just like it's like a novelty thing to say yeah i fucked in the sky i mean it's just have you ever done anything sexual on a plane no i mean i was i think like i was getting up to go

to the bathroom and chris was in the middle seat and i just like did like a fake lap dance of like ooh and then i pretended i go sorry sir like you know and then i just did a bit where it was just like okay uh anyone who saw that would be like what was that girl doing and then i pretended like he was just the guy sitting next to me randomly but no i would never do i would never do i don't like as someone who obviously is very open talking about sex in my sex life i don't want anyone to have to see it that doesn't want to and so i would never i would never do that on a plane but i you know i've i've put it out there of like a if you want to try to meet me in the bathroom but you can't like when you go to the bathroom other people there's people always back there they're always watching

there's no way to come out of there without. Yeah, there's. It's more like. You'd have to ride them, I think. It's not because you're horny and you're like, I just can't wait to do this. It's just because you want the story of it. Yeah. You know? But I've heard of a lot of people like giving hand jobs on planes and like under the blanket or just doing kind of sneaky things.

Oh, yeah. That one guy that was on your radio show, Daniel Sloss. Oh, yeah. He had a random stranger jerked him off. Yeah, blew him. Like, didn't she blow up oh no she jerked him off yeah daniel sloss yeah just a random stranger it sounds like a sloss would be a hand job on a plane it's called a sloss a slow hand job yeah oh god um no have you ever done anything naughty on a plane yeah jerked off on on land you have no

wait what did you do i've um hand job under a blanket oh my god whoa where did you put the comb in the blanket and then the blanket on the floor i feel so bad about it now but oh one of the airplane when you were young and wild or was this tell me this was last week no it was not tell me with Tell me it was Spirit Airlines. Tell me there was no blanket. Did they charge you to jerk him off? Where are we going? I don't even remember.

I mean, obviously, I remember who it was with, but it was like in my 20s. Okay. Over and down. That's a snake on a plane, all right. Yeah. Oh, my God. Wait, so wait. So how did it start?

I'd be so scared I would get caught. Any kind of public thing. Were you scared to get caught or was it so like so? Yes, I was. But because it was under a blanket, there was no one like in the third seat next to us. And it was just like after they gave drinks and stuff, there was no one coming down the aisle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What time was this at?

Was it a night flight? Yeah. I mean, i think that the cabin was kind of dark it was not all lit up it was a it was a red eye damn it i thought you were asking me not andrew i wish i didn't answer i love that you answered yes i have andrew have you though i flew with noah once did you ever did you ever jerk off on a plane no i'm just kidding uh i think i've jerked off on a plane in the bathroom wow yeah so just because you just needed to so badly uh i can't remember a time that i did it but i think it did happen yeah i

jerked off on the school bus at one time oh in the in the back? Which is the plane on land, I guess. Yeah. When I was alone in the last stop, when I was in fifth grade, or maybe seventh. Were you just obsessed with jerking off at that point in your life? No, the bus driver had really nice eyes,

and I could see it in the mirror. He had baby blues. He had brown eyes that I loved. Okay, let me show you the shirt I got. I kind of love it. It says, it's a Budweiser shirt, and it says Budweiser, and it has three girls with their butts. You know what?

I love that shirt. Oh, it's cute. It's cool, right? That's a cute shirt. Yeah, I love it. I don't know why it's not Kuh, but it's not. Because it's so on the nose. And it says King of Rears instead of King of Beers.

It says, one fluid pint wants your bush. It said, wants your bush and it's want is W-A-N-T apostrophe S. Wants your bush, which makes no sense. But wiser, genuine. It says, this

butts for you. Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. I wonder if they did bush like that so you could do a bush beard joke there but i guess yeah like this buds for you i think is what they usually say what wants your bush bush wants your bush it makes no sense the bush i think is like the name of the company that owns Budweiser. Yeah. Or something. But wants with W-A-N-T apostrophe S. It's obviously like a, this is a Spanish speaking person made this.

Wants, like the person wants your Bush. It's wants your Bush, not you're your Bush. It's wants your Bush. I like the idea of like Smut McK mckenzie could be a good because like a like a dog that people don't know spud mckenzie at all even barely i know that reference carla has a joke about beer stuff and she couldn't even reference spud mckenzie because audiences were like what she had to do like the frogs oh that sucks because it's just like things change what i love about a shirt like that too is like someone thought of like bud wiser and they're like butt wiser i just like wait i gotta go make 200

shirts by the way there were not 200 of these there was only one that was hanging up and they had to take it down from the display so it has this faded quality to it because it's been up in the sun for like months so it has this really cool i love i'm so glad that there wasn't one that was like fresh in the back so either they're on high demand or that sat there for nine years yeah okay let's go let's go to break and come back with why do i care john stewart is back at the daily show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with the Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors.

And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven, and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head.

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why do i care andrew why do i care okay hayley baldwin oh i care says that the glazed donut look will be the biggest beauty trend in 2022 find yourself a moisturizer that helps you look like a glazed donut this is dewey it's just to look wet let's see oh yeah to look that what model even took to her instagram recently to give her fans a heads up. Glazed Donuts skin all 2022. Oh, my God. Okay. Yeah.

She says, tell a friend. Glazed Donut is like, yeah, it's just that dewy look again that we all know about. Is that what she included? That's funny. I like that her bottom teeth are a little crooked in that one photo. I love like there's a- She's so pretty. There's a really thin line between glossy and greasy.

Yeah, or oily. Yeah. In the 80s, being oily was like the number one worst thing. And now, there is no difference. If you look wet, you look oily. But I like that look. When people go, Nikki, you look shiny. I go, yes, I like shiny.

You know what I want to come out? And they block me out. The peeling croissant, and it's just like real dry skin. Cronut. Yeah, it's just like this crackly, flaky. Cronut skin is so in. Dry, flaky cronut. It's so cool right now.

Chocolate long john skin. It looks good. It makes me want a donut. It makes me hungry. My mouth is watering too. Weird. Yeah. God, I haven't had a donut probably for 20 years.

They make me feel like such shit, but goddamn do I love it. I had a thing called a Glow Nut, which is like a vegan donut that I found, they were like $6 in these little like protein vegan donuts, and that was the closest thing I've had to a donut, and it was called a Glow Nut,

weirdly enough. Did you like it? Found it in like an LA boutique. Yeah, it was pretty good, but not worth it. Donuts used to be my favorite. What's your favorite donut growing up? I mean, I know this would be

more top one. Chocolate Long John. Which one? Chocolate Long John. What is that? From Dunkin' Donuts. It's like, you know, it's in the be more topical. Chocolate Long John. Which one? Chocolate Long John. What is that? From Dunkin' Donuts. It's like, you know, it's in the shape of a long. Oh, with cream in the middle?

Like a Boston cream? No, no, no. No, I wouldn't even have cream. But I do like, I wouldn't, now I would like a cream donut. But back then, I just liked the chocolate icing on top. And it's long. And it doesn't, it's very. I know, yeah.

It's very warm and like not, I hate, I don't understand people who like donuts that are like hard. Like why you would, like sometimes when people get a mixed box of donuts. Yeah. I sometimes, I don't eat donuts, but I like to go, why would you ever choose this one? You know the ones that are like almost. Chalky. Yes.

Why would you choose a chalky one over this one that has strawberry cream in it or is soft. Same with cookies. My dad likes famous Amos that are just like, why would you like that over a Chips Ahoy chewy? But you like a very crunch. We were going over those chips the other day, and I like the soft sweet potato chip inside the Terra Blues or whatever, or the Terra. And you like the crunch.

I like, but you know what? I would like a crunch with a creamy dip i'm all about consistency but no are you someone that would choose one of those weird crawlers that are like yes oh fuck the crawler i hate a crawler do you remember the curb youriasm episode with the scone? And Larry was so upset that the scone was so dry. And it should be soft. The scones are dry. Muffins are soft. Yeah. All for dry baked goods.

What about cookies? Are you going for, you want like a crispy, like crunchy? Or do you like a? Cookies is a little complicated. I like a really just i like that's why i like an oatmeal raisin edges crunchy middle soft yeah what about a brownie are you going for like the middle piece or like an edge edge edge really edge weirdly what about you you're definitely an inside i want everything gooey and almost like still battery. I do like that too, though. I like both.

I'm on you. I like a battered soft woman, you know? Yes, yes. No, but I like a crunch and I like a softness together. Reminds me of a BJ Novak joke. Battered women. Sounds delicious. Yeah, if I go to a donut place, I get a glut, one glaze, just old school glazed

Boston cream, because that's like kind of, that's like almost a dessert of the donuts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And those are the two, those are the two staple that I'll get. And then I'll get, uh, um, a glaze with the, with the chocolate cream on top. Can I talk to you about like guilt after eating those? Like if I ate a donut, like I only ate donuts before I had eating disorders. Oh, I love donuts. Because a donut hole would not be, it would still make me feel guilty.

It would make me feel like I just ate this thing that like the rest of my day is ruined and I should just, I have to like not eat the rest of the day. Like I still have that mentality of like I can't enjoy my life after I've eaten something so bad. Or now I have to go work out or something. And so I think that as much as I just know now those things will trigger me to do weird things with food. So I just avoid them. And which maybe that's eating disorder. You just to avoid those foods.

Well, I don't think you're alone there. There's something about starting your day with a thousand calories where you're like, wow. Okay. What the fuck am I doing? I'm done. I would rather save.

If I'm going to eat a donut, I would, I would like to have it at the end of my day. I really, because then it's like, okay, I know what I've done already today. I've had enough activity.

My body is about, and I know you're not supposed to eat highly caloric things before you nap, but like, I don't mind. I really can't sleep if I'm hungry. I supposed to eat highly caloric things before you nap, but like, I don't mind. I really can't sleep if I'm hungry. I need to feel like really satiated. But, um, I remember my buddy's joke, Renan, where he takes a bath in the morning.

He's like, I start my day. With the most indulgent, relaxing thing. Yeah. Yeah. And that's how I kind of feel about like calorie count. Like, but you know what? You should have more calories in the morning because then you burn them lot of calories i mean i eat 600 calories in the morning for breakfast at least yeah it and i never used to do that you know like i always just thought like you

just starve all day and then you get to reward yourself later but doing it i do it with like oatmeal and hearty things that like fill you up a donut is just candy to me but that doesn't mean that my mouth isn't watering right now and i am missing out on a lot by not indulging in donuts and i see people eat donuts and they aren't like they're like they're still happy people i just can't it's just weird that like because you're a very aware person you're extremely like intelligent and stuff and you know why these feelings happen. It happens to me too, but it's like you eat the donut and you know it's not that big of a deal. It really isn't.

Really when you break it down, it's not. You could get rid of these calories easy. You could be easy on yourself and you know this, but you can't. It's interesting. I just know that it makes me uncomfortable in my body. It makes me start having obsessive thoughts. That's the thing. I know that I makes me uncomfortable in my body it makes me it makes me start having obsessive

thoughts that's the thing is like i know that i get crazy when i eat those things and so i'd just rather not eat them because it's not worth it's almost like drinking like yeah i could probably have one drink but it's gonna change the way my brain works to have that kind of substance in me also you're working on a set where like i look at your outfit sometimes like hanging just hanging up and i get like a little like i feel like yeah god if i had to fit into i'm 10 pounds heavier than i was last f boy island i'm wearing all the same size clothing yeah for the last perfect strangers we shot and i'm having to wear all the same size clothing like my size did not go up with my but so i just have more like things that show up under like i'm not wearing shapewear so like you know if the if the

the the silky thing that i'm wearing like touches my stomach you can see like there's like i can have like a roll or something and i have to stand so much straighter and all these things. Oh my god, my body in silk would look hilarious. It would look ridiculous. It would look like a pair being strangled. Just like that.

I'm not trying. The best thing is though, knowing that I have been thinner before in these same outfits, I've done literally nothing to change that except just, like, if I'm happy, then I don't give a fuck what my body looks like. Can I be honest? Yeah.

Like, with something, you look healthier at this, whatever this weight is. Yeah. And it's not even about like if i look healthy i don't look at the scale like i think like your skin looks like you look great yes yeah so it's like it's not like fucking it's just a weight then it's just like that's not even a part of it you know and i know that's easier said than done but it's like but there it's just sometimes Just sometimes healthy doesn't look the way that it doesn't. Sometimes healthy on camera looks. It's so weird that like. Unhealthy in your mind or whatever?

Yeah. I don't know. Everyone does not understand when you see celebrities that you see on camera and you see them in real life, they're always smaller because the camera does add. And it's just, it's, but I don't, I really don't give a fuck. I'm not on this show to be hot, even though I do feel that way sometimes. and it's just it's but i don't i really don't give a fuck i'm not on this show to be hot even though i do feel that way sometimes so it's good and and speaking of you saying that i'm healthy let's go into top one bottom one because it takes us perfectly into

this the topic of today's top one bottom one you literally were reading my mind uh the category for top one bottom one today is... Donuts. Compliments. Yeah, what's the best kind of compliment you can get and the worst compliment you can get? Did I just give you the worst one you can get? I didn't mean to. I'm not even joking you. My bottom compliment was going to be,

you look healthy. Because people are going to go, Nikki, don't say that. That's such a bad way of thinking well it's hard to come up with a compliment that is not good but to me healthy just means we're so glad you gained weight that's what it means to me because every time i've heard nikki we need to get you back to a healthy weight like in my life it's always been about gaining weight and it means you've gained weight and we're all more comfortable around you because before you were so thin and we were all kind of like but that's such a negative way to look at it i mean we're it's more like oh we love you and this is great but i hear the way

girls talk about girls that are skinny and they go oh my god how does she even stand up like they always make it about them being unhealthy so that they can change the it's the same thing that people do about fat people they go they're unhealthy and we're worried about her health no you're not you're fucking shut up you don't give a fuck about anyone's health you're worried about them and and this isn't for everyone but it's for those catty bitches that pretend that they they don't want to be fat because they go you know fat is fine for other people but for me, I don't want to be fat because I care about my health. No.

Just like I said about skin cancer versus aging, I care about the aging part of the sun more than the skin cancer. Yes. And when people say that

about, shut up about, and then when people are jealous of you being too thin, they have to make it about your health, they're concerned about it

and in some cases, that is the truth. I'm not saying it's not always that truth but I think a lot of times this whole thing of like i know but then i guess the flip side to that is if they don't say anything then you're like how could you not say anything i was right there on the writing was on the wall like yeah but i'm saying but yeah but that's different when it's someone who's actually dealing with a health issue yeah versus someone who's just a little bit

more thin than you are and you're're jealous. And so you're like, how does she even stand up? And like, I just have, I've get, I get comments sometimes from women who are obsessed with their bodies and they'll say things like, Oh,

you know, like, um, well, you're like, well, you're so tiny that they'll just make comments about like being thin. And I'm not trying to be like,

woe is me. I'm so thin people make comments, but they, I've done it before too of like, well, you need help with that bag because you're, you have like no, no fat on you or you're probably cold.

Cause you have no fat on you or just saying shit like that. Just to make myself feel better that I have fat on me because I don't even want to look like you even though I'm dying too deep down and I need to make it negative. It's funny you say that because we posted that photo of us here on Perfect Stranger Set and I'm standing on a step

so I look really tall for once and you look really tiny because I'm on the step. So many of the comments are like, i've never seen you look tinier or like andrew you're not that fucking tall like people just like i didn't read any of the comments but yeah i haven't looked tinier but it was all dimensions and i'm holding a tiny little coke so i just like i looked a little pution but that is i honestly that is not someone asked me the other day what my weight was. Cause they're like, my boyfriend and I are, are disagreeing.

He thinks you're this. I think you're this. And I was like, I'll tell you I'm a buck 40. And she goes, whoa. Okay. I was right. My boyfriend thought you were way thinner. Well, like, and I go, boys don't know weights.

They, they truly don't know. They always think like they would probably guess that I'm one 10 or something. Cause boys don't know weights they they truly don't know they always think like they would probably guess that i'm 110 or something because men don't and i don't understand men's weights i could never understand like i don't know when people are guys are like i'm this i'm like jesus christ that's a lot but that doesn't because it's so funny though like guys you think like you know a lot of times you know girls will be like god she's she doesn't look like dad or she's not she doesn't you know her body's not you know whatever but guys are like if you look taller as a guy and you're not tall they lose their fucking mind they don't like it they don't

like it okay so let's get into top one bottom one compliments what's your least favorite compliment my least favorite compliment is adding actually to any compliment so you start the sentence with actually i thought you're actually really fun you're actually really funny you're actually better than i thought you're actually so it's kind of like just so self like congratulatory towards yourself of being like i expected you to be worse because my standards are so fucking high that you actually like almost like got and it's just saying like i didn't think you were before that's what it's saying yeah i was expecting you to suck yeah it's like oh thanks dude appreciate it i get it i get it i usually don't like female comics but blah blah blah that kind of have any kind of caveat with a compliment

is not a compliment no it's a it's, you're patting yourself on the back. Yeah, you're more intelligent, but you won me over. But I usually don't like this kind of humor. Oh, you won me over. I'm telling you, listen, we all have made this mistake. If you're out there and you've said something to that in our DMs, you're not a bad person. We all kind of do it. You're actually a bad person. We all kind of do it.

You're actually a good person. Yeah, you're better than most people. You're actually, despite being a total idiot with the way you compliment people, you're actually better than we thought you were. What about you, Noah? What's your least favorite compliment? Okay, so this happened to me recently

and it's so annoying when someone compliments and they say like for example book the one that i got was oh i really like your hair better than this way yes it's just any inference that before was i didn't like it it's just say you like my hair right and especially when my hair was different i got a compliment from this person too so it's like did you lie to me yep what that that really hurts but it's just a nice thing again it's just a nice thing that people don't even realize here's the thing it's almost like apologies do not count if they have the word butt in them and compliments don't count if you have to compare it to something, you know, like I don't like my least favorite is you're funnier than this person. And because most of the time they're wrong or they'll, they'll insult one of my friends, but they're trying, they're thinking that I will really enjoy. And it's always another female comic. It's never a

male comic ever, ever, ever. It's always a female comic. And, um, yeah, it's, it's never a male comic ever ever ever it's always a female comic and um yeah it's it's just any kind of compliment that compares you and then also you look healthy uh like i actually don't mind that compliment now but yeah healthy just makes me think that i can like survive the like people think that i'm gonna like i have a lot of fat stores to like support babies and survive like hibernation. And it just makes me think of like, we're so glad you're fat. That's what it makes me think.

But it's, I know it's not that I, and now I actually want to look healthy. That was like kind of like an old me that didn't like that. But that's a common thing that girls don't like to hear, which is so stupid that we don't like to hear that we're healthy. What's your favorite kind of compliment? I'm trying to think that's tough because i just like a compliment that's whatever the opposite of someone saying actually like where it doesn't feel patronizing where it's just like

you know oh man great job like something simple you know yeah but like specifically i know i'm trying to get a compliment on anything. Did you go to Noah? Because I'm trying to think. Yeah, Noah, what would be your best compliment? Anything relating to, I don't know, I guess like being thoughtful or something that has to do with like working

and not my looks or appearance. Interesting. Interesting. So like being like you're so good at your job. Something about that. I would love that. Yes. Well, I could say that to you

like you are. I mean, that's there's no question. That's like telling You look really hot though when you do Yeah, you're so hot when you do your job.

No. I don't like that at all. Your new hair looks so good when you put up that video. Do you know yours? I have mine. Yeah, I think I have mine now. I think it's when people understand that I'm actually intelligent.

And like I feel seen. You just said actually. In your own. Yeah. Oh my God. So maybe you like it, dude. Maybe you like it. When people go, you're actually smart.

No, if I say actually, it's fine. Okay. No, when people see that I'm intelligent. Yes. And not that I'm just like a dumb fool. So about your intelligence. Yeah, my intelligence is nice because I think- You'd rather that than a compliment about being attractive?

Yes. Interesting. For sure. So you have less... I think, maybe I'm wrong, but I think we want compliments on things that we're more insecure about, right? For sure.

Yeah, for sure. You're more insecure about being good at your job than you are about being attractive. Or it's just not something you value as much. I think for me it's just not something that you value as much yeah i think for me it's just like the validation yes and like it just isn't as important to you to be perceived maybe it's not as important to you to be perceived as hot or i just beautiful right like i just know like i'm not i'm not cindy crawford or her daughter, like, I just know that that's the truth of it. But, like, the quality of my work, like, that's where I find a lot of my validation.

Yeah. I think it's a mixture of what we're insecure about, but also what we value. Yes. Yeah, that's a good way of putting it. Yeah. And I think it's, you know, it just comes with age where you kind of just, like, you understand your looks. Like, I'm a short, chubby, Lee Schreiber. And it's okay.'s okay but i have some leave in me you know what i mean i didn't leave at all

yeah he he's leaving a little bit for you he's a little bit more he's leaving the more and more you ate and i ate it um yeah no i just yeah i think there's something to that i think i think i when i just feel seen where i like where i know I know I'm either doing some dry humor or I'm like... And someone knows that you were... Like when you see me, it feels really good. When I feel seen by you where you're like, oh, I get... Like you just may have done a dumb... Like you may be playing a dumb character, but the dumb character you're choosing to play is...

There's a lot of genius behind it. It's my dream. Yes. Well, I know that a lot for you. And there are times where I go, did you mean to do this? Because sometimes you don't. Sometimes we all stumble into something that is, like when you named your dad's boat when you were a kid and he's a blood doctor.

And so he was like, what about blood vessel? And everyone was like, that's brilliant. But he didn't know that vessel, blood vessel. Vessel meant boat. Meant boat. He was just naming blood things. So he didn't realize that vessel blood vessel vessel meant boat meant boat he was just naming blood things so he didn't realize that he was a genius but then there are other times where you play like you're just saying something dumb but it's honestly like really funny yeah that's and then and when it you know there's times where i'm just dumb you know i get that but it's like

there are times where it's like intentional so intentional that I get so furious when people are like, dude, he doesn't fucking even get it. And it's like, I made the joke, dude. The character needs to be someone who's dumb to even deliver that joke. Yeah, people are stupid. That's when other people just don't get it and they're stupid. But no, I definitely think you're so intelligent. It's insane it's just like there are like um the i think the gaps and what was i doing oh no no i was i was doing a crossword

last night and i was like because robin and i were talking about how smart you are but like when it comes to like certain things you have it's so funny that you don't know certain things oh yeah crosswords for you would be a big issue. What was the crossword clue yesterday? Final thought that I go, I wonder if Andrew would know this. You also need to hear yours. And we need to have your favorite compliments. Yes, I know.

Oh, okay. I was wondering if you would know this for a crossword clue. Go ahead. Oh, shit. Word sung. It's four letters. Word sung twice after Q-U-E, in quotes. Word sung twice after, then in quotes, Q-U-E.

Word sung twice. Word sung twice after the word Q-U-E. Q. So it's probably a song, and it starts with Q-U-E. So it's probably a song, and it starts with Q-U-E as the first word, and then there's another word that comes twice, like said twice after that word. It feels like a British thing.

Noah? No, don't even ask me this. What if I pronounce it K? K blank blank is a word does it does anything ring a bell if I go K sirah sirah oh yeah okay that's tough and also

I didn't is it S-A-R-A this is funny this was a crossword clue that you literally I think that's what made me I got wordle yesterday when a lot of people no wordle is not the same thing I'm talking about like just there's a wordle yesterday when a lot of people couldn't. No, wordle is not the same thing. I'm talking about like just there's a. I don't know a lot of words.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's okay. And that's okay. That's like that's your, and I don't know. I literally couldn't explain how football works to you. Like I just don't know certain things like that. But I'm good at memorizing words if needed. Now, this word came up in wordle the other day as like this was one that people often start with, adieu. And you had never heard of that.

All right. I wouldn't know how to spell it. I think to bid adieu, right? Yeah, like you're not even saying it right. You're saying I do. To bid adieu. I bid adieu. Can you try to spell it?

A-D-E-A-U. I liked it. It's A-D-I-E-U. Oh, I-E-U. But yeah, those certain things, you have gaps in your knowledge. I think there's a difference between intelligence and whatever you've stored in your brain.

No, you're definitely- I couldn't even think of it. You're definitely very, very intelligent. There's no question. But there's just like, there's some things that you just missed out on. I couldn't even think of it. You're definitely very, very intelligent. There's no question. But there's just like, there's some things that you just missed out on. I wonder what that is. I wonder if I'm just like,

it just doesn't, I guess it's like football for you. Like it just doesn't intrigue you. It will not go in my brain. It will not, it will not fit. It would fit yards and like converting that

and like zones and like. How are we so dumb when we talk about something i cannot begin to tell you what it means and it it really irritates me that people are so good at it like it and also um like a world history and about like different um conflicts and uh just it's there's too much and i just stop paying attention i don't want to know information and like i think we're really good with people like understanding people under making observations like that's why we're obviously comedians and stuff but yeah just facts that we that really don't interest us at all just yeah we don't i don't need it and words interest me because i'm like i what interests

me is being well informed about certain things that i i care about words that's just something i care about you don't care about it and so it doesn't yeah and um okay so my favorite compliment is uh you're adorable oh being cute that's like the opposite of healthy. It's like you're adorable. To me, it makes me think little. It means you're someone that you want to protect. That is like you're just innocent. Yeah, you're innocent. You're sweet. No, just like, oh, you're so cute.

Like cute. Oh, my God. I would hate that. Oh, it's my favorite. I rarely get it. What do you think in your head when you hear it? Because it means to me, like, someone who... Do you think small though or no?

It's someone you cherish. No, like, the way you cherish, like, oh, like, whenever Chris is like, you're adorable. Or it's just like, aw, you're just so cute the way you got excited about that. It's like, it's seeing someone as, like... Because, oh, you're just so cute the way you got excited about that. It's like it's seeing someone as like. Because I get what you're saying, because for someone that, you know, hangs out with you a lot, obviously, like I think most of the time you have to be tough, you know, which is kind of the opposite of adorable.

Yeah. In your job, in your work, getting shit done. So adorable. I'm a harsh person. I always come off as like this. But then when I see you do like, you did that thing with the guy where he breaks down Taylor Swift videos or whatever. And I saw like this like little girly, like adorable side in you.

Yes. That is not often seen. Yes. Yes. And I think you probably want to let that out more but then it would be seen as we it's like saying i'm sorry no it just is rare that that when i feel and i feel like it just is irritating to people and so when people like give acknowledge that as like oh we like that it makes me feel like safe that i could be myself and like be excited

about dumb stuff or just and that i I'm not like, I just feel like a lot of times being adorable and like being like, Oh my God, I'm so like, just being like, it makes you look like you're trying to get people's attention or trying to look adorable. So when I get the adorable, it makes me feel so good because I'm never trying to be adorable. And then it makes me feel like, Oh, maybe I'm just really lovable. Like adorable equals lovable. It means like a baby that you want to protect and like cherish. And I think that's what I like.

So that was an interesting to even think about that because I was like, oh, I probably would like to be called hot. And I'm like, no, I know I am. I don't know I'm adorable though. And adorable,

you can go throughout your whole life being adorable. You can be an adorable grandmother. You can be like, adorable gets you protection. It means people are going to protect you because adorable means naive innocent weak in certain ways kind of stupid but like oh like not in a way that you're like god you would never be disgusted with something that's adorable it's only cute and it's only something that makes you want to

get closer to it yeah and i think i want people to feel that way about me even though i'm often like i used to be called that like by girls like you're so cute you're adorable and like as a guy you'd be like i want to be a fucking rottweiler i remember yeah yeah i don't want to be a puppy i want to be a fucking rottweiler with rabies fucking drooling and biting your head no i love when boys are adorable when a guy is cute oh that is the horniest i get when they're just like like it makes sleepy yeah when they're just like little babies like it makes me so happy they're so cute and that means they're not gonna be mean they're not gonna be moody like babies don't get like mood you know like yeah they don't have egos it means egolessness a little bit okay we gotta go thank you for listening to the podcast today.

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