The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #179 Snake On A Leash

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

Nikki, Andrew and Noa are all connected by cactus, not sarcasm. Nikki got a little frustrated when she could not show her hot bod to anyone while she was single, but there's no way she would turn herself while looking in the mirror. Andrew shares his first one liners with Nikki, and they both aren't sure how they feel about them. They talk about the issues with cancel culture before getting to the news. You Heard It Here First; update on the shark attack victim, a new but old spin on dating and in Andrew's Weekly Sports moment thoughts on a very pricey NBA collector's card. Besties leave voicemails about a cringe phone call, a nipple consolation, a co'uhl date and an explanation in Fanthrax Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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You are cordially invited to... The hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get

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every Wednesday on the Black Effect Podcast Network, the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you go to find your podcast. We want to speak out, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful.'m ellie flynn an investigative journalist and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry i really wanted to be a player boy my dog he was like i'll take you to the top i'll make you a star to expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in it's honestly so much worse

than i had anticipated we're an army in comparison to him. From Novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. It's Nikki. Hello. Here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser podcast. It's Thursday.

The end of another week of the Nikki Glaser podcast. Andrew is here with me. Noah is in Arizona. We're all joined together by kind of wonky technology this morning. I can't even see Noah, but I feel her. I hear her. There you are. Hi, Noah.

We're all connected because we're by cactuses now. We're usually not all by cactuses. What do you mean? Noah's by a cactus. We're by a cactus. Oh, yeah. Usually, we have very different climates. Who do you think is closer to a cactus right now?

If I had to do a walk-off? Yeah. I would say Noah is because she's... Yeah, because I'm in a resort, and I think they keep cacti out of this resort. I think it's mostly palms and different ferns. God, I feel like cactuses, it's like the porcupine of trees. Why?

I'm just kidding. Because they both... How do you figure? Because you can get closer and they? How do I explain this? Because you can't get close when they... How do I explain this? I know this is very esoteric, but I want to try to understand. What?

No, it just sucks to be a tree or a porcupine or a skunk or whatever. They don't care. No one wants to go near you or touch you. No, that's why they have it. They like to be left alone. It's not like they feel innately unlovable and so they have this defense up like humans have. But how do porcupines fuck?

Without being, they just gotta fuck, just dick to pussy. They can't. They can't doggy. They only doggy. They're just porcupines. They porcupine. Porcupines do proliferate.

Is that the word? They procreate. They figured it out, whatever it is. I don't think they're... And cacti, I love cacti. They just look so cool and like ready to party. Maybe it's just because there's always, I always know animatronic cacti with sunglasses on like dancing like this.

You know how I'm dancing right now. If you're not watching the video. Um, yeah. Cacti are, are awesome. And what happened to, why did succulents become like the new cacti of like,

is cacti a type of succulent? Don't look that up. I don't care. But in terms of like low maintenance low maintenance yeah it's the um i bought one the other day the uh what's it called everyone gets it now because you only have to put water in it like once every three weeks uh fake a fake tree yeah a fake tree you put water and it ruins plants because it. I love fake plants. Because they, well, first of all, they're made of plastic, so I guess that's bad. But they do last forever. And it's just, there's something so sad about- Snake plant.

A snake plant. Yeah. I've never even heard of that. Maybe I have it wrong. I'm so jealous. I will say jealous. And I know I shouldn't be, but I'm really envious of people who... Wait, what's the difference between jealousy and envy?

I forget. One is like anger. About four letters. It's like both deep, though, for sure. Yeah, it's like the porcupine of words. The cactus. No, jealousy, there's a difference. One has like, you know the difference between sarcasm and facetiousness.

One I can pronounce a little better. You are killing it today. No, facetious, I know, is sarcasm without the meanness. Sarcasm is like, oh, like I'm trying to make you feel bad. So like, oh, really? Oh, that's interesting. Like what I just did about the porcupines and cacti. Yeah.

That was sarcastic. I felt like you were being more facetious, though. It was out of love, I felt like. Well, I would say it's definitely out of love, but it's there to make a point that you... Some people hate sarcasm. Like, they don't like people being funny in conversation. It's very regional,

I found. There are certain places you go to and everyone is sarcastic. Where did I go where everyone was sarcastic? I mean, Long Island is all sarcasm. English people are all sarcastic. It's a very dry sense of humor because there's no break in it of like, ah, I'm just kidding. Some people just hold

the sarcasm and then that's all that they give you and you wonder is this even there was somewhere i went where sarcasm was so thick i it happened multiple times where i just took i was very gullible which isn't in the dictionary and i i really did believe the person i felt so stupid i'm i am very gullible when it comes to people's sarcasm. I just, and there's this- Do you feel like you can get shit accomplished within a real conversation if it's only sarcasm? Or if it's only sarcastic? It's kind of like the PhD of dad jokes.

You know what I mean? It's like a little, it's like a dad joke with a fucking, one of those graduation caps on it. Like it's a little bit more sophisticated dad joke but it's very it's a very simple thing to do and it's corny and it's easy comedy so when people on you know tinder all those when i was swiping before they'd be like i i'm an expert in sarcasm if you don't like sarcasm swipe left i'm like is that sarcastic should i not swipe left i don't know what you even want anymore um yeah i think sarcasm is just it's easy

it's it's an easy way to make jokes because you can literally it's kind of going no uh it's just taking whatever it's based on what the person says and then you say the opposite and you act like you mean it yeah i can't even i use sarcasm a lot in my comedy though i realize it's just i do too i used to be very sarcastic really my whole conversations would be there'd be nothing real deflection there'd be nothing i mean you still struggle with that sometimes you do well that's sarc. Is that facetious? No, that's just rude. You really... Andrew really does...

You're rude! Yeah. Oh, my God. That bugs me so much. I mean, I'm turning into a porcupine right now. Dog die! Wait, I just said porcupine. Instead of porcupine.

A porcupine. Did you ever see the movie Porky's back into no i never did i know there's like a shower scene or something like that no that's lfc or uf ufl or jfl or fcc or some there's some like movie with no there's some movie with letters in it that all the guys are like look at the people with the girls showering well nerds they do it okay, in nerds, they do it. Okay. Revenge of the nerds. I used to have a joke that I hadn't, like I was, I work on my body. I go to the gym all the time and no one ever fucking sees it

because I'm not hooking up because I'm pretty much celibate. So like when I'm in the shower, I hope my landlord has a fucking peephole because I want someone to appreciate it. I did feel that way at some point of like, I wish someone would spy on me just because I want... Why wouldn't you masturbate with the window open

or the blinds open? Because that's so obvious. Oh. I want to be assaulted. You want your assaulter to work for it. No, I don't want it to happen with me knowing. You know what I mean? But I do want...

I got to bring that joke back because it was like i don't think i ever put it on anything it felt so stupid to go to the gym all the time and have like and i know you work on your body so that you look good in clothes and stuff but there was a i looked really good naked for a while and no one saw it except me and it's just like it wasn't really i i used to say i masturbate with my eyes closed i don't need this shit like i don't need this shit. I'm under the covers. There was something that felt sad about it.

I know that's like, oh, you're supposed to do it for yourself. But that was when I was more obsessed with whatever. But would you ever feel your own body while masturbating? Does that turn you on? Sometimes I would pinch my own nipples. Well, we know you do that any time. You might be going to the doctor and have to take your shirt off.

One is sexual. That's what I know. One is really sexual. When I find myself touching myself during that, that's what I know. Like, oh, whoa, I'm out of it. Because it's just, to me, that's not something that,

I just feel ridiculous when it comes to masturbation. Not like I'm ashamed or anything, but I just am... I don't know. I just... What about in front of a mirror? Do you like masturbating in front of a mirror? A mirror who?

A guy named Amir? No. Wouldn't it be hilarious to masturbate in front of those circus mirrors? Oh, my God. That's so funny. Like a room full of like 50 of them. Oh,

that'd be so funny. I don't know. No. Have you ever done that, Noah? I can't say that I haven't. that's a, okay,

okay. I haven't. Yes. She can't say that she hasn't. But I think it was just like, instead of like finding a porn or something, you just kind of like look at what you're doing. I don't look at my face though.

I feel like I've definitely, um, I don't know. I, though I feel like I've definitely um I don't know I I'm so I'm so motivated by performing that anything I do alone unless there's someone to account for it I just like when I masturbate there's it has nothing to do with me feeling like sexual or me putting on a like me I'm not there yeah i'm like i'm uh astral projecting myself into the scene but that's interesting like being turned on by yourself i gotta practice that i don't think i could look in the mirror and masturbate i think it'd be too much i'll try it no that's self-love for sure and um i i definitely feel really sexy and i like looking at myself when

i'm with someone else. But it's the same as playing guitar. When I go on those Instagram lives and all the besties watch me pretty much practice, I wouldn't practice that much. I wouldn't play that much unless I was performing. I have to. I have that same gene. I like to perform.

With sports, if I go surfing, I want someone to see what I did. Going to the gym, there's got to be other people there or I'm not going to stay. Even though I've been playing golf, you could catch a glimpse of other guys seeing your shot. Just someone watching. Anyone. Yeah, anyone watching. That's why believing in God must feel pretty good. You always have that.

But some people just don't need that. get jealous of like people don't like surfers or whatever that can go out alone and just enjoy without like well because they're doing it to feel one with nature and like yeah like unless i've never felt that i've never done that i've never done that either that's and it's kind of sad to me that everything I do has to be based on other people. Oh, yeah. Other people's approval or appreciation. Well, it's not even other people's approval. It's like I just need someone to bear witness or something.

I don't know. Uh-huh. I get that. I enjoy practice. Last night, I was trying to learn a song, and it was just one that I had to really practice. It just sounds so clunky. If it doesn't sound good, I don't want to do it in front of anyone. But as soon as it sounds somewhat good, I to be like look look at what i can do yeah

and i would do that way before i was really good at it right you know what i mean i guess we did that with stand-up we all did it before we were really good at it but like oh we were doing that yesterday we were going over like our first one oh my god yeah we went on instagram live right after that we did the podcast yesterday and we were i was just playing you know a couple chords back and forth and um andrew i was like let's just do one-liners i used to do this with jay chris newberg he was a comic in la and we used to go on stage and he was a guitar comic and he would just he was a one-liner guy and he would just play guitar we would go one we would go joke for joke and it was so fun to just do one liners back and forth and have no like we don't need you don't need to think about the flow of it any transitions you just tell jokes it was so fun what are you looking at no i found

my very first i was listening to everything you said i know it's so funny your head needs to go totally down yeah to look at a. Isn't this more rude? No, just look at, watch this. I'm looking at my phone right now. Here, I'll go like this. Okay. This is how I would look at my phone. I see.

That's why I have a hump in my neck. But you hold it all the way down in your lap. Yeah, no, I get it. Yeah. So you can hold it kind of in front of you at about, there you go. Look, I'm learning. Yeah, looks much better. Okay. Yeah, so you could hold it kind of in front of you at about... There you go. Look, I'm learning. Yeah.

Looks much better. Okay. Well, you got it right right after we took the news job from you. God, I got nothing. Yeah. I got nothing left. All right, well, tell us some of your first jokes. First ever joke. No, I want to...

Do you have yours anywhere? No, I mean, I don't write things down. And they're all on set lists that have been long gone. All right, these might be terrible. Erosion. I haven't even looked at... Some of these I probably did say, but these were my very first.

Yes. This is before I even took my comedy class. Did you look at this? Did you find this yesterday after we did the thing? Yeah, so I was going through my email. I just typed in one-liners because I used to do one-liner. Right. And so I went all the way down to the bottom.

Yes. So I sent this to probably like 20 friends to be like, am I good at this? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd have to have. And you were trying to write like Jack Handy. Yeah, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy.

Yeah, Mitch Hedberg. I guess, was he, were you a fan of his yet? A little bit. I saw him right before he died, actually. Oh, okay. Well, some of us, it like uh if we just what i killed him yeah i'm just i didn't say that heath ledger before he died so there's a how soon before huh i don't know they both have like kind of the same name too wait heath ledger mitch

yeah porcupine cactus okay go go on all right all right i'll do some but these might be terrible okay okay i remember when i ran away from my parents for getting a divorce that time i think it was my fault not bad kind of like a turn on i think i remember the time i ran away from my parents after getting after they got a divorce that time i think it was my fault that doesn't even make sense i get it like you were doing a joke on like parents always say it's not your fault yeah yeah we're getting divorced yeah that's funny there's something really good about that all right i sometimes was ridiculed for not doing drugs in grade school by my doctor it's actually not bad for not doing drugs in grade school by your doctor. Yeah. Wait, I get it. Like he ridiculed me for not taking my Ritalin or something. Wait, so the joke is like doctors tell you don't take drugs,

but this one wanted you to take drugs? No, that he prescribed me drugs. Right. And I didn't take them. So where's the joke? The joke is I was ridiculed for not doing drugs in grade school by my like who would ridicule you in grade school for not taking oh right like sometimes other than your doctor yeah a lot of so a better way to say that is like oh they're all gonna be bad i was a

dork in i was a dork in high school sometimes i got made fun of sometimes i got it was very it was hard in grade school i felt like i didn't fit in i would get ridiculed for not doing doing drugs but it wasn't by the cool kids it was by my doctor you would have to like feed it a little bit more i think you're very good at feeding i'm not good at feeding yeah you gotta you gotta i used to do the same thing where the people would go the audience isn't thinking what you're thinking. You have to hold their hand there because you have to set the scene. That one, we were all confused.

Hangman is the most racist game I know. Except blah, blah, blah. Oh, yeah. Except what was the game that your teacher made you do with your nose in the circle? Oh, Heads Up 7-Up? Oh, yeah, yeah. What was it called?

He just said put your Jew nose in the circle. Okay, except put your Jew nose in the circle, which was one of... Yeah, which is my 11th grade teacher after I talked in class. After we played Heads Up 7 seven up seven times in a row early i guess in a different number oh this one's really fucking clever people who tend to smell in public think they are farting in private okay that sucks okay dogs are man's best friend listen no judgment here these are all like they're not bad thoughts, but... So what I did is like...

No, these... Yeah. All right, dogs are man's best friend. Cats are better as a musical. Whoa. Oh, man, dude. You're thinking outside the box. What's the difference between sarcasm and facetious?

What I can't say. Oh, my God. That's good. I mean, I don't hate that oh god i started free diving lessons 15 years ago and now i have horrible credit meaning what wait hold on i want to try to even understand this say it again don't explain it all right i won't i started free diving free diving. Free diving lessons 15 years ago. Free diving is when you go hold your breath, right? Yeah.

Okay, you started free diving lessons when? Lessons 15 years ago. 15 years ago. And now I have horrible credit. It's kind of like one of those like- Because you spent money on lessons? Yeah, with my credit card. Okay, what-

I think the joke is free too as well. the joke is oh but then it ended up being you thought it was going to be free diving lessons yes okay so the that's a funny so i saw a sign that said free diving lessons and i've always wanted to do learn how to do that so i show up and all we're doing is holding our breath and going under. I was like, where's the board or something like, where's the, where's the diving board? Essentially. Oh no. I was, oh, that's a different twist on it. I don't have any money to pay for this shit.

I have no money at the end of the class. I feel bad watching free porn in front of a hooker. Free porn. Free porn. Wait, I feel bad watching free porn in front of a, oh right. Like, because she's probably you're taking away her business and why would you be watching free porn in front of a hooker i don't know that'd be mean because i'm not paying her free hooker lessons wait you would

be paying a hooker oh yeah so that would be even worse so that'd be even worse so i pay for the hooker's time but yet i watch free porn in front i think she would love that yeah she probably would are you kidding me she can fucking all right we don't have to do them all but there's a lot more where that came from and this is really fun yeah we got to go back into this little stash you stop reading right now i don't want you i don't want you to get ahead of yourself i won't i won't no man some of my first jokes were so fucking bad and made no sense and we're just there's one that i just thought of and i can't do it because it um is based on using a word that we no longer use as a uh pejorative statement if you know what i'm saying cut no that one still that still works oh i know i bet it was

just i mean i think you can probably guess it but but I'm not even going to give the punchline. They say for the price of a cup of coffee every day, you could save one Ethiopian child just for that. But I go to Starbucks, and I found out for the price of a venti double whip mocha, double blended with blah, blah, blah blah you can save up to blank you get it yeah do you know what i'm saying a village people that is funny to think like well because you think i'm gonna say like eight ethiopians but i just say you can save one. Wait, now I'm confused. Oh, really?

I'm not trying to make you say the word. No, I'm not going to. Can you say like the first letter of the word? Or will we have to take this out? I just want to say that there are certain things that that drink is rather feminine and maybe metrosexual. Oh, gotcha.

And so you might use a word back in 2002 gotcha to describe that drink and so i would say you could it sounded it was a misdirection where you're like oh my god but i every day i get this specialty drink so for the price of this and then i say all these like things on the drink with like you know caramel drizzle, blah. You can save up to one Ethiopian. See, that was way more in joke form, like stand-up joke form already early on. How would you come up with that joke? We've got to go to break, but I'll tell you when I get back.

Andrew! Coming in. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we have had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe and Cord Jefferson.

Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique listen to mini questions on the iHeartRadio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts seven questions limitless answers we want to speak out we want to raise awareness and we want this to stop wow very powerful I'm Ellie Flynn and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart

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and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride, full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E,

on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeartWomen Sports. Okay, but how would you... Back to jokes. How did you know to... Because that's a real set-up, punchline, well-written joke early on.

Yeah. Did you just fill in the words of another stand-up? I just studied. Yeah, I studied other stand-up so hard. So that was almost like you took out words and put words in kind of thing? I would start with the same thing that you were saying yesterday on the Instagram live

of like an old saying, an old adage, A-D-A-G-E. Cactus, yeah, of course. Of like, an old adage, I think the word is. Oh my God, I can't believe it says adage and adage. Adele? An old Adele. You would say, you would take like, you know, so the old adage is that for a cup of coffee, for the price of a cup of coffee, you can save, like it's just trying to make Americans

feel bad about their spending. And that was like a thing that you heard all the time. At least I remember it being said. I never saw the commercials where it said it, but that was like a thing. So I remember going, okay, there's something funny about that. And I remember the Sarah Silverman joke I really liked that i've said on the podcast before i think where she says um you know uh i recently i like to do good and i like to give back i recently um sent a village in ethiopia uh um a and a shipment of these beautiful cowl neck sweaters like it was just her being this white

dumb woman that doesn't understand that like giving to them isn't the same way that what you would want and she's like these really creamy yummy cashmere cow neck sweaters and i got a letter back and it was so sweet they said they love the sweaters and that they were delicious yeah and so i remember thinking that joke's really funny like what what my favorite comedians do is take these taboos of like starving children abortion like these things that are like really harsh subjects and like making light of them and also playing this character that's kind of stupid. And so for that joke, it's like, that's kind of like sarcasm,

like using, no, because you're, you're, you're not, you're playing, you're not like playing dumb. You're actually,

you're actually being a dumb person. No, I know that, but I'm, the audience doesn't, the audience obviously knows that you're behind it, but sarcasm is more like, really?

Like you are yourself. Yeah. Myasm is more like, really? Like you are yourself. Oh, you think it comes from a way of... Yeah, my point being is not being yourself. People get mad about these racist jokes. It's like, well, why don't you get mad at characters on TV who read... Why don't you get mad at Leonardo DiCaprio for saying the N-word? In Titanic, yeah. Yeah.

But seriously, because why is that different than Sarah Silverman? No one looked like one scene was that. I think I'm being gullible right now because I believed it. Look it up. Why is that different

than Sarah Silverman who had to apologize for all the jokes she did as a character who's this naive? What she's portraying is the opposite of the person. She's being the Karen.

But people, because stand-up, they take it as like, it's you. And they're like, well, you wrote the joke. Well, guess what? People wrote, if you watch Veep, I've always said this, it's the most racist jokes I've ever heard in my life. Stuff that if a stand-up said those jokes,

they would 100% get canceled. But because these characters are terrible people, they get away with it. And they're actors. And they're politicians. Why can't stand-ups be actors? You know? Yeah.

And the fact that Amy Schumer and Sarah Silverman have to apologize for jokes they made playing a character who is clearly a dumb cunt. Yes. And that's what I did with that joke. It's like, OK, so all right. So the cup of coffee a day, you can save an Ethiopian. Okay, well, what's something I can do with coffee?

Well, coffee comes in all shapes and sizes. Oh, what if I did, what would a Frappuccino save? And I was thinking, okay, where you would go normally is it would save a lot more people because it's more expensive. So not one Ethiopian child, it would save seven. And then I go, wait a second. I don't want to say seven Ethiopian childs. what can I say instead that makes me a dumb cunt which is one gay Ethiopian

yes right so because and I go because that's kind of a fruity drink I said something like you know disparate but yeah but the thing is what i'm wondering first of all that wasn't saying that drink was um that actually wasn't using it as a pejorative statement because that fruit that drink is delicious and i love it but it's a little bit gay in the sense that it's like you know it's it has a lot of um yeah a frappy frappuccino like yeah i get it yeah and where does it are you allowed to say that things are gay anymore that are like,

that are not manly? Very adorned? Yeah. Or that are like more feminine or are you allowed to say that? Like flamboyant, I think. Yes, flamboyant. I mean, you're allowed.

I mean, the woke culture will say you can't, but a lot of people would say it's okay. Because. Yeah, woke culture would have a problem with that. Yeah, they have a problem with using the wrong pronoun.

They would definitely have a problem with saying, yeah, that guy runs gay. You know what? I guess because certain men wouldn't get the drink because if I said that that drink is, that's kind of a gay drink or whatever, if I was just being fun about it or not meaning to be harsh, I guess it could be

interpretive uh in a negative connotation because it might mass make masculine men not want to get the drink because of what that would imply but um yeah so I guess it is not that it wasn't I wouldn't do that joke now ever because I think it's just it's mean, it's. It's too good. It's too good. No, I mean, it's just. But I think that is a good way. Unless I'm being very ironic. I mean, who says things are gay anymore? I mean, but that was so common. Oh, my God.

Everyone should be canceled based on how we used to talk. I've seen. What show was I? I was watching some regular show. It was insanely common. Like the OC or something, and I was like. Taylor Swift has a lyric where she's like, and I'll tell everyone you're gay, about like a guy in the song.

She's like, and I'll tell my friends you're gay. All right, well, should we cancel her? Like it was. Shots fired. Oh, well, let's think about this. And obviously we're too, like I'm maybe a little bit gay. I've come to terms with that.

I don't know, you know, but I think we're all on the Kinsey scale. But this is coming from three fucking white people, or white, you know, straight people in their fucking podcast talking about, I don't mean to describe the gay experience, but I think that, I mean mean we were talking the other day about our high school graduating class no gay people in mind hmm like 2002 gay people did not feel comfortable enough coming out as 18 because it was so common so language to like so barrage them don't you think that in 2002 we were living in a culture where it didn't feel um we just didn't know that it

wasn't okay to say that because there were no gay people around us so we didn't know how common it was we didn't know we didn't know that us saying things were gay was actually contributing to the silence of those people we didn't think of it that way and it's not to say that it was right or like you should excuse it like i'm i'm so sad that people in high school who are now gay in my graduating class couldn't be that way in high school it's like it fucking sucks because that's who they were the whole fucking time or maybe in you know when they depending on when they matured but i don't know i just think that going back and it's just about cancel culture stuff. Like thinking of these things and just comparing everything to the present.

Well then, Oh my God, Andrew, you slept with a girl, um, five years ago. You've cheating on Brenna right now because five years ago, we have to hold you to the same standard of right now.

Didn't you know you were going to be with your wife someday back then? Didn't you know five years ago when you were slept with that woman, I did. I want to apologize that you knew you weren't going to marry that someday you would back then? Didn't you know five years ago when you slept with that woman? I did. I want to apologize. That you knew you weren't going to marry, that someday you would marry a girl and that that would betray her? I'm sorry. I'm sorry to everyone I let down for having sex with that girl five years ago.

But I didn't. There were no other girls that would have sex with me. Well, you should have known. But didn't you know someday that you would be with someone forever? No, I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying. I think like. Listen, I'm, I Listen, I'm bearing for...

I'm like bracing for like, you know, someone trying to cancel me based on things that I used to be okay to say. And it just like... If you can look back and go, oh my God, I'm horrified by how I talked or how we talked or how we've made gay people or black

people or anyone feel less than if you can say that then I think it should be okay and say and you can say and I don't do that now and I would never say that now why isn't that enough well I think what happens too is like let's say someone goes back and sees that joke because it's on some tape somewhere at some like shitty show you did and somehow it's pulled up on YouTube. I don't know. However they do it. Yeah. You just type in Nikki Glaser, Ethiopian joke and cancel her.

I mean, it's not out there because I just I was so. But my point is. I knew my act sucked, so I never put it online. Let's say you get canceled for that. You lose your show. You lose this show. You lose. You lose everything. Right. right yeah so then where can you go you can only be embraced by people that are fine with using that word which i'm not even fine using that i know i know but

then you're like well i have no other embrace by people that know that i think most of my fans even on this show would understand that that was like a different me and they would come along and they're not people that currently use that word that's true that's a good point I'm just saying though because then what happens I think if someone goes okay well I can't even do this thing well now I'm gonna be worse for this well that's why I like Joe Rogan's apology of saying like I can't believe I fucking said that's listen I didn't hear his uh second apology about and I didn't watch the tape of all of it it's just I was honestly gonna be I think too disturbed by all that but I read the things he said and he was I think from what I understood rightfully horrified by what he says does that excuse it was it you know a different time back then I don't I don't know I don't know I just

know that like when I cannot forgive anyone I I'm not kidding you anyone for anything if they go i don't know what the fuck i was thinking when i did that i would never do that now and i'm gonna go forward and actually do good try to make the world a better place moving forward knowing what i know about my past actions and how they affected people like how can you be mad at that person first of all they going to actually probably go out and do more good. Maybe I'm gullible. Maybe I'm falling for people's apology or maybe

these people just want their careers back and I should just see it for what it is and it's just a money grab and they just are only sorry once they got caught. But I don't know. I guess I still have a little faith that people can have humility

and be real. I'm someone who has been horrified by things I've said and done. Even last week. Even in moments of like anger when I feel like I'm backed into a corner and you know, my partner makes me really upset

and I say something just out of anger just to hurt them in that moment because I just, fight or flight, you know, porcupine. And I can be horrified minutes after I say something that is completely out of line. And I expect to be forgiven for those moments because we all do things. We're all stupid sometimes. And if you're someone out there being like, I would never say that word and I would never make those jokes. We're talking about this at dinner last night.

I would never say that word and i would never make those jokes we're talking about this at dinner last night i would never drive drunk i'm sure there's something you've done in the past that you would never do now that you if you got caught for it which you just haven't been because there was no record of it you'd be horrified you just no one's perfect here's the other thing all you gotta do is be able to everything that he did was recorded over the last like 12 year or whatever it's like over a span if everything you thought and you had to talk for two hours you'd probably find something pretty shitty that you said but but people argue i wouldn't have said that yes but i would never have said that there could be some there yes of course like even i said that like if you were to trick me and go i have a recording of you saying that my point i would go no i never

said it my point though is like for me to go i'm better than anyone who says it it's like i probably said things that are horrifying in different ways yeah just how you that last sentence i've said great just the tone of my voice yeah whatever that thing was it was polarizing it no i have i'm not kidding you and with me and my, when I have been very hurt by men or really resentful of other women, I have said things that would, I mean, probably hold up in a court of law as premeditated murder. Do you know what I'm saying? Like that, that could, that could be treasonous because of how, because I'm just trying to really let, let my friends know how fucking mad I am at someone. I've said things that if they were recorded could get me arrested because guess what? In those moments, I just need to let it out. And I'm so embarrassed afterwards.

And I have to say to my friends, like, by the the way I don't want to do that to that person I don't hope that person does that thing but we all humans are capable of some of the ugliest you can't help the way you think but I think that all I need from someone is accountability that doesn't mean like you can just get away with being a terrible person and just apologize oh I'll just apologize every time that I can keep being terrible. That's not what I'm talking about. Don't do that. Don't say that to me of like, oh, so you just apologize every time.

I don't I don't mean like a guy can hit me and then apologize. But if if someone I think I I trust an apology when I get it, when I feel it sincere. And if the person, you know, does it again, then we have, you know, there's two strikes and you're out for me. But I will always accept an apology. Always. And maybe not even two strikes, you're out. I just feel like humans operate really stupidly when they get drunk, when they get comfortable, when they get angry, when they get lonely, when they get tired, when they, like, get hung. Like, we just become not

the best version of ourselves and that i think we should allow ourselves to i think we should it's kind of like when that um forgive there was you know i'm a jewish guy you know i'm not the most jewish no i'm just kidding yeah i'm not the most jewish porcupine but you know i'm jew i'm a jew and then my buddy myers leonard said the word kike right and as a jew that's like the worst word you could possibly hear and he yelled it in a in a in a when he was playing a video game like a live stream he yelled it in like a way of like you know talking shit like a to someone or just like screamed it? To someone. Like to someone.

Like he stubbed his toe. Okay. No, no. To someone. Like who killed him. He's like, oh, you fucking. Yeah.

And he got. Was the person he was playing with Jewish? He's not in the NBA anymore. Right? Because of that? Now partly was he was injured, but then also I think people aren't allowing him. Did he say it to a Jewish person?

Not that it completely matters, but did he, like I think some people take on slurs because they just are these harsh words yes yes no no he didn't know the person wasn't jewish so he said it too oh that there's some context and he was being honest he said the next day he was like um i really didn't know that like i knew the word like i've obviously heard the word but he didn't know yes behind the word and he's done so much work since then with like different jewish groups he's like been so

public about it where he i don't even think he needs to do that honestly as a jewish person i you know i wrote him the next day i was like you know you know as a jewish person like you know i i As a Jewish person, I get what you did, and I'm sure you're sorry. Did he say, thanks? What's that? I was like, you know what? Thanks for being a fan, and if you could promote my next album on your Insta stories, that'd be great. No, no. But no, I was just like, I get it right away.

You could see the sadness in him that he just didn't know. He just didn't know. Do you know why people want people to be canceled? It's because they're fucking jealous. Of their celebrity? Just success. People are miserable inside, and they need to punish others to feel better.

I don't blame them because it sucks being depressed and having no concept of where your hatred and your desire to ruin people comes from. Anyone I ever am excited to see them get canceled, which I have before, this is talking outside of people who've done sexually aggressive things to women or other men. But I've been secretly happy to see some people

fucking take a turn in their career for whatever reason. And it's because i'm jealous of their fame of their success and that they're happy and that they're beloved i'm jealous it all comes from me and let me just say in high school i remember my friend taylor one time she used to call she used to just rhyme my name with things and be like nick nickel nickel, nickel, pickle, pearl, like Nick, Nick, Nick. And she used to call me Nick the... Yeah. Okay? Yeah.

Had no clue that that word was a bad word. I was called that word one time. Until she said it in front of my mom and my mom said, Taylor, I love that word. No, she said, Taylor. Oh my God. Don't, you cannot say that. And we had no idea. idea now obviously my Myers Leonard probably

had heard that word and knew he was older so people are like how could you not know bad like that word we didn't know was any kind of bad word obviously he was saying that word in a vent of frustration so he knew it had some kind of weight to it but he didn't know the full significance of it I think what happens is though is like with the cancel stuff is that he'll say that word right even though he didn't he didn't mean any harm he was just yes we get it i get yeah so but what happens is is people really do shoot up synagogues and people really do have anti-semitism and so it's like if we could make an example i know but if we could make an example of him right this is a public figure we could jump on him which will then hopefully

alleviate some of that other stuff like if you even say the word then you're gonna get canceled let alone if you do anything worse than this yeah so it's a way it's a way to it's a way to kind of like be like if we punish him just know that what you're doing is wrong way worse you know i'm gonna get screwed either way so fuck y'all like to me it says like it's like when your parents are like gonna ground you if you don't um if you if you drop a little piece of paper on the ground it's like well then i'm gonna go smoke crack because it's the same punishment you know like what does it matter like when i'm gonna get punished for saying damn and i'm gonna get you know grounded then fuck i'm gonna go fucking do whatever mom and dad even

harder because nothing you there's no there's no fairness in this and i think that that makes you just go this is irrational and like you know what i know that what i meant in saying this wasn't wrong and i'm still being punished for it like when i when so if someone thinks i i'm like doing something wrong i do it anyway because it's like well you already think i'm doing it wrong fine i'm gonna actually do it because who cares i'm already guilty in that in your eyes and uh so it all very interesting. Let's get to the news. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first.

Noah. No, you have to do the opening. I'm not taking that. Oh, well, it's Thursday, folks. You know what that means? It is Thursday. Hope you're having all the swells out there. And to you, it's Thursday, folks. You know what that means? It is Thursday. Hope you're having all the swells there out there. And to you, Noah,

for the readings. So official. Alright, well, we have an update. The man who was killed in a horrifying attack by a great white shark in Australia has been identified as 35-year-old British diving instructor

who was training for a charity swim and about to get married to the girl of his dreams. No! Oh, God damn it! So sad. I heard the father-in-law paid the shark. That's what I heard. That's just a word on the street.

I looked into this too. Apparently, we were saying that how could this guy go swimming? This doesn't look like swimming waters. A lot of people swim in this little where he was out, and it's a very common place. This is the first shark attack in Sydney in 60 years. Andrew, what are you looking at? Oh, yeah.

The story. He's just sad. It's just so sad. Can we see a picture of this guy, Noah? You know what the saddest part? He's six foot five. No. I'm sure he's really little.

But really? I'll show you the photo. It's really sad. Oh, God. Do we have any other details of what? I heard, I mean heard the shark bit him. It was such catastrophic injuries. There was no surviving what happened to him.

Oh, he was a cat. He's so cute. Yeah, that's God dang. He is so cute. If he wasn't handsome, I wouldn't care. Simon Nellist. You know what that makes it look like, though though that makes it look like the cat killed him okay yeah it does look like the cat was like plot read the caption was mauled so there's a picture of him holding a cat and it says simon nellis was

mauled to death wednesday oh no oh here's him under the water man he looks like a nice guy he is such a cutie oh this is okay so sad here's what his friends water. Man, he looks like a nice guy. He is such a cutie. Oh, this is so sad. Here's what his friends said about him, just so we can say something nice. Everything that is connected to Simon is connected to the ocean. The news hit us like a truck because he was one of the people who makes this earth lighter. Oh, no. I know. So sad. I did start to tear up when i read it and but i thought we should it's give an update yeah honor him and give an update i i looked into it yesterday and i heard

i watched some more clips there was a couple other there was one other clip i saw of people filming from the beach, and it was horrific, and people were throwing up on the scene of what they saw. Those people are also in pain and traumatized. It's awful. The shark was just being a shark, honestly. Shark's gonna shark, man.

I don't want to demonize sharks. It literally just was doing what it would have done. You know, if that was a seal, we would have, that footage would have been seen on national geographic, you know, like it's,

um, it's like that saying though, it's like, you know, when people say like you died doing what you love, which he did do in the most like graphic way possible. But if you could look at it as like a positive at all, it's like

he loved the ocean and like the ocean took you know what i mean like yes like yeah when people say like he died doing what he loved it's usually obviously not as great i'm trying to think of like an example of when someone's it's usually a extreme sport yeah it's usually an extreme sport yeah or like car like racing yeah it's not like playing chess and then he had a heart attack or like 29 of men who like die from fucking or whatever that we read the other day um want a lighter headline i used to do no heavier okay tinder channels love is blind with latest available feature. Ooh. Okay. So last week they rolled out Tinder's new feature called fast chat blind date, which pairs singles without letting them see each other's profiles. So instead of making an initial judgment based off attraction,

they have to chat and develop a spark through conversation. If successful, we're going back to phone lines. Yeah. And only then, if it's successful, they'll be able to match and check each other's profile and pictures. Oh, but the thing is, love is blind casting.

Really make sure these people are attractive enough. Tinder is a cesspool. Even when you see what you're going to get, you don't want it. Voices are so important though oh my god lisa gilroy had the funniest um oh yeah i saw that one love is blind like spoof where you know love is white if you don't know these people are in pods they can't see each other they just have to talk to each other and they fall in love and they literally get engaged before they

see each other you guys it's wild and they really develop like, they're all crying and they like love each other through a wall. So Lisa Gilroy was like doing this one where she's like, she's like, let's play a game. I'm gonna ask you a question, like to get to know you game. If you were a Sunday, what topping would you be?

Or like if you were Sunday topping, what would you be? And the guy's like, I guess not. It's okay, my turn. If you were on a scale, what would the number say? Yeah. And also, when the guy was like before.

Can you draw a picture of yourself and slide it under the door? And the guy like asking, or the guy saying, I wish I knew what you look like. Because they always say that. Because men are so visual, visual i guess and women are more cerebe yeah you know but i feel like i i mean in terms of attraction i definitely feel like i from the first boy i had a crush on who i referenced the other day matt johnson

um playing heads up seven off he touched my thumb and I was so excited I remember realizing in fifth grade I told my friends wow I didn't even like wasn't didn't think he was that cute and still I started talking to him and now he's so cute and I was like personality can make someone so cute. You know, back then we didn't say hot, cute. But it is true. I cannot believe who I've been attracted to after I got to know them. And from looking at them, I never would have swiped right. And after getting to know them,

someone can transform so drastically. And I don't know that men have the same ability to see a woman who is who you would not who would not get your boner get no blood flow going there and then after you spend a conversation with them all your dick is hard i mean i just remember chat rooms you know aol chat rooms and that was before you could really see photos but you would still go you know what do you look like oh i have blonde hair blue eyes yeah i mean you would say all that shit like how quick but have you ever fallen for someone i mean i know you fall for run them harder after you know but she's still someone that you were attracted to

has there ever been a girl that you were like nah but then you got to know her and you're like holy shit wait i think i'm like attracted to her i mean i just have had so many few girlfriends so it's like but like anyone that you would just go wow i didn't realize like she actually has a sexual vibe to her that i wouldn't have thought you didn't have to have sex with the girl but like ever usually it's the other way around right i'll meet a girl and be like wow she's beautiful and then i'll talk to her and be like uh how did she get ugly right how how did this like gorgeous person turn so no what about you? Like, have you felt that way about guys? I think it's harder to go the other way. Well, I know a guy who, that exact situation happened.

You know, the woman that he was with was not exactly his type physically, but he loved her personality and her values and all of that. And they got married and now they're going through divorce it's because they're yeah maybe that's one of the factors is waning but i think it's it's more than just that like probably there's other things in the relationship always gonna wane because you turn into an 80 year old person no one should be sexually attracted to an 80 year old person it is

by design that 80 yearold people are not sexually attractive because they become brittle, a little bit demented, and they become like babies again. That's why babies are not sexually attractive and old people aren't because you become fragile and you're not able to have children anymore and you shouldn't be fucking. I wonder if really old people... So we're all gonna end up if we till death end up with someone who is sexually unattractive well but then you're i don't know it's it's gotta be i don't know i guess we have to ask like an 85

year old of like when they look at another 85 year old do they see them as hot because they're 85 and they're looking at their own body and they're like well this is my body it's interesting like my mom i know i haven't seen my mom age because i've just been with her the whole time like she looks like my same mom that i've always had i can't picture like whoa she's way different looking she used to be so young um but because aging happens so slowly i wonder at what point if you're married very long, like 40 years, and then you look, do you see your partner? And maybe write in if you experience this and you're listening to podcasts. I know people are going to say they do, but I'm just saying.

No, it's just interesting to me because I'm just wondering. If you have your memory wiped of your wife, and she's an 80-year-old woman, and you see her, there's nothing about an 80-year-old woman that should set your boner afire only he'll also be 80 an older man though that's what i'm saying but there's no biological reason for that there's no reason the reason being is that because you what is attracting you when you're older and like i want to protect this person but there shouldn't be i want to fuck this person, but there shouldn't be, I want to fuck this person. I don't know, my grandma was fucking until she died. At like 100.

That's true. So she, I mean, I'm sure, I don't know, dick is dick, I guess. Yeah, it is interesting though. I have no worries about getting older with a partner that I find that loves me. And I know that I would never be with like loves me and like I know that the like I would never be with someone who was just with me because I was hot or like really needed me to stay hot or I felt like if I gain weight they're not gonna like me anymore or something I

would I just it would never happen for me that's just such a requirement that I already put so much pressure on myself in that way I could I just think people are too lazy to do like a tinder where you have to write or at least when I was dating online like i could i had laziness and i could you could see the photos like if i had to go through five photos that would be annoying like hinge isn't was annoying to me because i felt like how it's set up like how the app is set up i loved those dating apps because i feel like you i like going through all that stuff and I mean after a while you're just like god there's just I've seen you swipe on the first photo when you're single

what do you mean you go first photo you're in or out oh yeah yeah but if someone is like does spark my interest then I dig around and that's fun but you can tell from first but they dig their interest by looks what I'm saying though imagine trying to dig your interest by just hobbies like that's you're actually seeing them and it's not causing you to learn more you have to read

too much or talk to them to each one if you have to talk to each one this is going back this is going backwards like you said it's like the phone but i honestly think that if i listen to a voice memo of 10 seconds of someone just talking i would be able to be attracted to them much easier than just looks because i just think there's something about the way a person talks and like how they that i i've been attracted to people from just their voice before like what would you think i look like just by hearing my voice are you ready hey what's up i hope you're having a great day today i had a good day really tall and thin really yeah wow Yeah. Wow. With a huge dick.

I did completely. Yeah. Noah, you animal. This is the nicest day on earth. Okay. No one watched it on YouTube. No. Listen to that.

Next news story. Do you want to take a break? Yeah. Let's take a break and come back with a weekly sports moment. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show. Yeah, let's take a break and come back with a weekly sports moment. your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness and we want this to stop.

Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour.

He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven, and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery.

The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community, and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crumbs as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network,

available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Some people won't give you the real talk on drugs, but it's time we know the facts. Fentanyl is often laced into illicit drugs and used to make fake versions of prescription pills. You can't see it, taste it, or smell it. Suppliers mix fentanyl into their products because it's potent and cheap, and the dealer might not even know.

Keep yourself and others safe by knowing the real deal on fentanyl. Get the facts. Go to realdeal deal on fentanyl. Get the facts. Go to realdealonfentanyl.com. This message is brought to you by the Ad Council. Did you know that companies hire the most in the first two months of the year, or that nearly half of workers are worried about being left behind? I am Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's Editor-at-Large for Jobs and Career Development, and my show Get Hired brings you all the information you need to, well, get hired. People are forming opinions of you even before you log into the Zoom or walk into the room.

And so you really have to think about what is it I want to display. You don't plant a garden and then just walk away and expect it to thrive. You are in there pulling out the weeds. You're pruning it. You're watering it. It's the same thing with your network. You should always be in there pulling out the weeds. You're pruning it. You're watering it. It's the same thing with your network. You should always be in there actively managing your network.

If you don't feel confident to say a number, even admitting that to a recruiter is going to be far better than saying, well, what is your budget for the role? A lot is in the follow-up, right? Don't wait to follow up. Whether you're a new grad, an established professional, or contemplating a career change, Get Hired is for you. Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you like to listen. All right, we're back. It's our weekly sports moment. Here's Andrew's weekly sports moment.

Wow, you sound thrilled. Noah, take it away. I am. Okay. A rare signed Michael Jordan Kobe Bryant jersey card is up for auction. It previously sold for $500. Wait, let me guess. Whoa, what? Wait.

I would have guessed $30,000. Okay, what's happening? Oh, no. $516,000. It's a jersey or a card it's a card that has their both their autographs and pieces of their jerseys let me show you okay and there's 10 copies made ever so they cut up the jerseys and kobe passing away this card on when did it sell last fuck i literally forgot about that wow i'm not because i don't care but no no i know it's just like life so do they they both

when did it sell for 516 okay let's see because it'll probably sell for like a million it was released in 2000 okay 2000 only 10 man so it's a card and it has like little fabric swatches but it's like a really decorative little card and it has both their signatures on it it looks like they're signing like those don't look like autographs they look more like they were signing a

like a you know like a doctor signing yeah no or like when you're signing a bunch of papers for like the real estate you know where you just doctor signing. Yeah. No. Or like, um, when you were signing a bunch of papers for like the real estate, you know, where you just like write it very small and on like the line and, uh, you have your like lawyer pointing at like a highlighted section.

All right. So this same, this same card sold for five 16. Okay. So now it's up for auction again. No, no, no.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yes. The same card, but different. Like, so there's another one up for auction. That recently sold for $516,000.

This one is now up for... It'll go around probably the same price. That's cheap for anyone who's super rich. I saw a TikTok the other day. There's this guy who goes up to people driving really fancy cars. He's like, what do you do for a living?

This kid goes, I sell real estate in the metaverse and he just sold an nft for of a house by like a celebrity's house in the fucking for five hundred thousand dollars so it's like what is that like i remember when baseball cards would go like a horace wagner which is like the most expensive it's like for some reason the most expensive baseball card would go like a Horace Wagner, which is like the most expensive. It's like, for some reason, the most expensive baseball card go for like over a million dollars. And we'd all be like, it's just a car. Like I'd be like,

just a card. Like I would never minimum wage has not gone up in like 20 years, but like being a millionaire means nothing anymore. Like, it's like, honestly, it's not even that when people go, I'm making six figures.

It's like, well, that better be in the high six figures because i'm not impressed by a low six figures yeah the low six figures now it's just it doesn't mean the same because things are so fucking expensive meanwhile and people are billionaires yeah and didn't you say the other day that crypto it's like 90 of crypto is or bitcoin 90 of bitcoin is owned by the top 10% of people. But that's like the same thing with stocks too. But stocks are just harder to manipulate than Bitcoin. But, you know, I just like, it's wild because I remember just being like, what the fuck?

Why would baseball cards are just paper? It's the same shit with NFT. It's like, it's just a picture book. Huh? I know. It's just paper, yo. Yeah, that's like, I know, porcupine, bro. It's wild. It's not same shit with NFT. It's like, it's just a picture book. Huh? I know. Money is just paper, yo. Yeah, that's like, I know, porcupine, bro. It's wild.

It's not even paper. It's a number on your screen. Like, that was wild. It was like, when you get money, it's not like there's like a vault with a bunch of cash, and it's like, take it from Nick. She wants some cash. We'll go into the, we'll spin the wheel, and then the thing will crank open. You go in.

It's just a fucking number. It's just a decimal point decimal point well that's why it could go down to nothing so easily it's like metaverse for like we already are working with just things that aren't real that aren't tangible yes i think that's the point of the money's already not tangible yes well yes i mean i haven't put cash in my wallet what's the most you've ever spent on something? My condo that was worth. Oh, yeah. Nothing. Nothing.

I would love to look up the price of that condo now. I would have rather bought that condo in the metaverse and never lived in it. You should go look at the price of that condo right now. Give her a look at it. We can look. Yeah. It was Fairwood. Don't worry about it.

Fairways. Fairways in vero beach florida yeah um yeah i think the most i've ever spent is like yeah putting a down payment on a apartment or like you know first and last month plus the deposit and being like but you've never dropped like a chunk and that's something you guys actually used like what have you ever spent an exorbitant amount of money on something that you just display on a shelf in your own house oh i mean i bought that fucking taylor swift guitar that was a sticker of her autograph that was probably what did i spend on that i think like five five thousand i know but you said that like, whoa. That's a lot. I know, but someone has spent $500,000 on a fake house. But to them, I bet you anything that that is a penny

compared to what they actually have in their bank account. Like, it's nothing to them. So it's all, you know. Oh, my God, dude. What? They're back to the same price that I paid. Yeah. Or more expensive.

Okay. Yeah. Well, let's get to Fanthrax motherfucker i bought it at 220 it was worth 60 and now it's back to 220 i see one here for 240 holy shit dude i mean that's asking hold on to that yeah i didn't have any money to hold on to my car got repoed oh god my car got repoed out of my dad's house oh my god so embarrassing okay you've been through so much. You gotta write a book. Okay.

It's time to hear from you guys. What do you have for us this week, Noah? Who's talking to us? Mr. Axon. Okay, we have a lot of great voicemails. Let me just pull up the names. Okay. These voicemails actually, I agree with your point, Nikki,

about knowing if the person, like you'd like them or not. Yeah, I mean, this is Love is Blind. Yeah. Oh. Misconnection. Good point. You just get a good sense

of like what they might look like. We should try to guess what these people look like today. Okay, well here comes. Yeah, send in your photos after. Okay, here comes tony all right tony really did a great impression of our opening music

hey nikki andrew noah big fan of the pod uh I've been listening since day one. I've listened to every single episode. Damn, Tony. Calling in to tell you guys about a time that I was a sales rep for a company, and I was given a list of customers to contact. And so I called one of them, and I asked, the girl answered the phone, and I said, hi, can I speak to the colonel? And there was a pause, and she said, you to the colonel and there was a pause and she said you mean the colonel and i said oh uh yeah the colonel can i speak to the colonel and she said oh no i'm sorry he

died about a month ago oh my god and i had no response to it i just hung up the phone and moved on to the next person on the list. But even thinking about it to this day, it makes me cringe. And yeah, thank you for sharing it with us. I love the pod. Love you guys. And Jackie Slater.

Jackie Slater. I think this guy has a strong jaw and maybe dimples. I feel like he has dark, good hairline, dark hair, spiky a little bit. I bet he's wearing a polo and he works out a lot. He has bulging muscles. He's wearing a black polo. A lot of guys working in sales usually work out too. Tony, that's so funny.

Fuck that word, by the way. I'm with you. Colon? Oh, it's the worst worst i don't understand the etymology of it at all k-e-r-n-a-l colonel well colonel like a popcorn colonel is spelled k-e-r-n-e-l i believe close enough that's where it's different oh so colonel is the dumbest thing no one should ever get it right and everyone should always get it wrong and the funny part of this story is though that he fucked up colon colonel and then the colonel's dead yeah and i

wonder if the colonel's really dead or they just knew he was a marketing call telemarketer and that they did it's the old my dad's in the You should have said, is he all naked and soapy? Yeah, yeah. When she said he's dead. Yeah, you gotta go, let me see the body. Is he in the ground rotting? Is he? By the way, it's gotta suck to work really hard

in the army to become a colonel. To only, when I think colonel, I think Kentucky Fried Chicken. I never once yes think of a like a guy that worked hard in the army oh my god yeah you're so right i only think about chicken i that cosby documentary was a big part of it was about him getting his doctorate in education which for anyone who's a doctor in education like doctors laugh at you like it's the no one respects a doctor in education, like doctors laugh at you. Like it's the, no one respects a doctorate in education.

If you call yourself doctor, you're kind of like, people kind of like laugh at you and think you're an idiot because you're just obviously trying to be like, I'm a doctor. It's like, no, you're not. And, but Cosby didn't,

he didn't even write his thesis or his dissertation. He hired people on the Cosby show to do it. And he didn't ever go to class. And he also made his character, Cliff Huxtable, a doctor on a show because he wanted people

to just think he was a doctor. And he was a, do you know what kind of doctor he was? On the show? Oh, no. Yes. He really was. And do you know where his office was?

6-9, 6-9 six in the basement of his house oh my god it's so disgusting you guys like every he was like the whole documentary is about how he's shown us he all along was just creeping us out but we none of no one was looking at it his office was in the basement of his house where he was examining women. It's like when I lived with the vagina waxer who would do it in our living room. Yeah. But way worse. Who ended up being a serial rapist.

Usually doctors get like a tax credit or something if it's like a home office like that. Oh. Still, why of all the doctor things you could do, would you pick that for your character? Partly, I don't know. It's pretty doctor, though. If you think about doctors that work in emergency rooms

and the nurses have to do everything, and then he just comes in and goes, uh-huh. How are you doing today? I know. The doctors fucking feel like they don't do shit. I mean, they do, but it's just so funny how much the nurses have to do like the thesis and he just comes in he's like hearing your doctor like down the hall like coming to your room

all right yep we'll get that on uh stat and then uh just have them clear the milligrams and all right and you just like hear them like stepping closer and you hear them like saying goodbye to another patient and the dork and they're like you're coming he's coming he's coming and then you hear a door open it's next door to you and you're like fuck i'm not next there's oh you just are always waiting for the doctor like a fucking woman that's about to lose her virginity to like an old man and a like you're just like a woman in waiting all i'm thinking about when i go to the doctor is him putting the stethoscope and it being cold on my body and i'm just like oh god i'm thinking about do i shake their hand do i say i'm oh you never shake a doctor's hand i do when they walk in where they

go hi i'm like the bottom of them put it out oh i don't remember ever shaking their hand all right uh let's take some next you're also in the basement this one's uh for andrew and noah this message is specifically for andrew i'm scared i just listened to yesterday's podcast and you were talking about there was a kid in the background insecure about your puffy nipples and you've mentioned it before in a few other episodes and i always was confused like what do you even mean puffy nipples? What is that? And I looked it up cause I just wanted to know like puffy nipples in men, like what does that mean? And they're just normal. Like my, my dad has nipples like that. And actually so does my fiance, which is kind of weird that they both have it, but I try not to think

about it like that. Um, but I think it looks good, especially if you have nice pecs, a little bit of chest hair, if you're strong, you work out. Yeah, I think it looks good, especially if you have nice pecs, a little bit of chest hair. If you're strong, you work out. Yeah, I think it looks good. So you need like five other positive things. I don't think there's anything

that you should be insecure about or worry about. It definitely looks good. And fuck the haters. Aww. And anyway, I love you guys. I saw you at the Paramount on Long Island a few months ago.

Aww, that was such a fun show. And you crushed it. It was so hilarious. Aww. I love you guys. I saw you at the Paramount on Long Island a few months ago. That was such a fun show. You crushed it. It was so hilarious. I hope you come back. Love you guys. Loved that show. Jackpot. Jackpot.

I'm looking at Puff. I'm doing what she did. I said puffy nipples on men on Google. You're right. They don't look bad. I want to see what they're claiming that are puffy. I think the older I've gotten, I've grown into them. Right.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm going to send you some puffs right now. I'm going to text you some puffs. Yeah, that's pretty much what I was talking about. Yeah, I mean, they're not bad at all. I think it's just, it doesn't matter like what even it's it's hard to erase childhood trauma yes of feeling like an other and that's what happened

with you and so that's your thing even if they puffy nipples became totally like the coolest thing in the world it would still linger in your subconscious well what happens is is like like look at this guy, for example. I love that message, yeah. This guy, he's in very good shape, but his nipples, they stick out more because he's in, so that's like the dilemma,

because the more ripped you get, then the more pronounced your nipples will be. But if you're a little chubbier with chest hair, your nipples kind of go along with your body. So, I wear tape to put down my nipples sometimes. You know, you can get, if you're wearing like a shirt that you don't want them,

is that just too embarrassing though to do that? I could never wear a thin white t-shirt. But maybe just use a nipple cover. But what if someone sees that I'm wearing a nipple cover? That's the most embarrassing thing. And then I'd rip out my nipples hairs. It would be cool to just be like, I'm wearing nipple covers

because I just don't like the way they look. What if you own it uh just stefano claims to have very puffy nipples he definitely does he has definite puffs yeah there's nothing about that guy that i would say oh my god i i'm here to say that i'm i'm way yeah way that was a real i believed her i love that message yeah that was really sweet all right next message so this one is from i'm not sure if i'm pronouncing her name right but it said oh wait what did she look like what did we think she looked oh i forget what she sounded like i mean i've i long island dark hair yeah yeah kind of a lot of hair oh i pictured like a ponytail like a brown brown hair ponytail i'm always picturing people in their car when they do this too and so she's wearing a seat belt

she has on like a yellow shirt that's like kind of fitted and like it's like a little bit cropped and she's wearing like lululemon joggers or like uh tights and she was like sipping uh like like with a she has like something with a straw and like she just has like she doesn't have that much makeup on but her skin is like clear maybe she has like a little bit like she has like uh freckles oh i feel a lot of makeup i don't know oh really i feel like minimal makeup but not like to cover up anything she wears makeup but right when she was doing that she was like coming from the gym or going to the gym or dressed for the gym, but not going to the gym. I saw that same thing.

Yeah. Oh, my God. I see her in tassels and just her vagina flopping in the wind or something. You know? Okay. Next one. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Okay. This one is from, I think her name is pronounced anisia okay colonial andrew nikki and noah i just wanted to share a recent cut that i saw yes so i was recently dating a guy who i was explaining the nikki glazer podcast to and how I listened to it on my way to work every day. And we had decided to go out to do a movie date and we stopped at the bar because we had some time to kill. And the bartender went to the middle of the bar and turned around and yelled at the waitress and she proceeded to throw a drink straight up in the air so that he could catch it and he did this several times um throughout the night each time he would scream

so that everyone around him would look at him first and then he would uh catch the drink and i just thought it was really funny because me and the guy was seeing totally looked at each other and we're like that was so and it's just funny because I had just been explaining the concept of cut to him so I just wanted to share that with you guys anyways thanks love the pod you guys are the best thanks Anisha um so bartenders are some of the coolest people you'll ever see anyone who works in the bar industry because alcohol the culture is to begin with

but my lover Chris he we've always made fun of people who bartenders who shake drinks

and they have to do like like they rattle it and they get their shoulders into it and it's just like just shake it a couple times. It does not need more than that. But they're doing it so loud because they want attention and that guy throwing

doing a bar trick. It's all so cool. I'm so happy that story ended the way it did because I thought her date was going to end up being cool. And I was bracing for like her night to be ruined because she going to end up being Ke. And I was bracing for her night to be ruined because she had to be with someone Ke. I wonder if they've gone on another date. I want to know.

This guy sounds awesome, by the way, because he embraced Ke right away. He was down to hear about her interests. He's adopting them. Oh, she, I think Her voice was amazing, I thought. I think she is a different ethnicity, like has a darker toned skin. I think she has a different ethnicity, like has a darker toned skin.

I pictured like very straight black hair. I pictured like very manicured. Like she sounded like she has glossy lips, really dewy skin, great eyebrows, long eyelashes, delicate features. Really, I bet her hands are like, I bet her hands are so soft. And I don't know that she is, like when I say well manicured,

not necessarily her hands. I bet her nails are manicured, but I don't think she has like long, like fucking fake nails and stuff. And that she wears like cozy, like she dresses like cozy and like kind of loose fitting clothes, but she always looks like elegant, but in like a cozy way. Interesting.

I see like her tits being on her shoulders for some reason. Oh, I know what you mean. Like, yeah. Like just they're up there. Yeah. Because in the middle of that, she was like. Yeah, she was. That's what I saw.

I don't know. Did you hear in the last recording that there was a cut in the background of a guy rubbing? Yes, I did hear. It was so awesome that you caught a cut during your recording. It was amazing. All right. Let's do final thought.

Okay. Here's just, yeah, you'll hear it okay hi noah andrew and nikki this is pablo calling in from london i'm a major bestie and a nikki fan from way back when she was doing you up not safe um uh so i've been listening to the pod from episode one and i've always wanted to call in, but I was always afraid that I had nothing funny or interesting to say. You're so cute. But now my time has come because I have something useful to say, and I think that's way better. So I was listening to the fanfics from Steve from South Africa in today's episode.

Oh, yeah. And he said a word that none of you quite got. Yeah, logy. I was listening, and I'm pretty sure I know what he said. Logy. I'm pretty sure he said ice lolly. So I think he said he hates the sound of someone biting into an ice lolly.

Lolly. And an ice lolly is just what they call popsicles in the UK. Got it. And South Africans sometimes use British words when they speak English. So yeah, I hope that was useful to someone. JLo.

That's a good one. That's good. I love this guy. I just want to hug this guy. Okay, I know what Pablo looks like. He's little. He's not a big guy. No, he looks like Justin Timberlake. He has curly blonde hair.

I know that's crazy. Curly blonde hair, and he has tiny glasses, and he's wearing a turtleneck, and he is at a desk, and he has many books around him. But he's very hot, but in an understated way that he's almost nerdy hot where you have to take off the glasses and be like wait oh my gosh he's like like he's he's bookish hot i don't know i see him like in all leather with like a wooden spoon in

his mouth and he's biting down on it and he's like oh like i don't know what you mean like that kind of guy yeah with the the biting down on the wooden spoon guy with all leather. Yeah. That's what I see. Oh, yeah. And I think he's outside on a building threatening to jump. And everyone's like, whoa, leave the fanthrax first. That's what I kind of like. Right.

And he's got like a snake on a leash. Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I know.

We know that guy. Yeah. We all know that guy. This is my new favorite game is I actually try and you say the most absurd shit. Set up punchline, bro. Oh, man. Monkey Pan. Oh, yeah.

So Ice Lolly is a popsicle. And that sound, people were saying that they don't like the sound of the teeth scraping on the wood part of the... That doesn't bug me. That just hits me, dude. What bugs me is biting through a popsicle that isn't like, isn't melted yet. And it's just like,

like that sound of like a really, oh boy. I don't mind the part hitting the wood part, but I just don't want it breaking through the ice part or the lollipop part or the ice lolly. That's such a better name than popsicle. Or what about when you open up the red ones, those like really cheap red ones

and they have like that gelatin on the side for some reason yeah what the fuck's that about it's just congealed like sugar syrup that's like too thick and like it's all settled there it's like melted at one point and then congealed yeah do you ever die and they're white white wrappers oh yeah yeah i love white wrappers did you... Did you ever dive into the long ice pops that were like... You could buy like 700 for like four bucks at Walmart. No, the ones in the plastic bag that you... Yeah, they're in plastic. They're in like clear plastic.

Yeah, I love those. Oh, my... Icy's. Yeah, those things are so good. The blue was the best. Dude, I could knock down... I'm not kidding. My mouth is watering.

I would knock down like 35 of them at a time. Oh, easy. Yeah, they're like Diet Cokes. Oh, my God. I'm still off the sauce, by the way. Going strong. Four days off Diet Coke. I'm still on.

I'm not getting off. Don't get off. Don't get off. It's fine. Drink them around me. But I miss them. I miss them so much dc she's talking about just yeah diet cokes i really miss that um just that first sip it's

almost like a cigarette like i you know i just with the first puff of a cigarette's the best one the worst part of a diet coke is like the last sip. Well, the frizz has died. The frizz. The frizz. The spice. It's just the frizz is dead. Also, here's the thing. Have you ever tried to drink a Diet Coke when you're really thirsty? Yes. You cannot. It's the worst possible.

It's so weird. Really? Oh, like when you're really thirsty and you're trying to chug it to like get your thirst back. Oh, just any kind of. Oh, yeah. Because they're not really hydrating. The next day after like a hangover. My mom always would chug Diet Coke when she was hungover.

And I would always love diet soda when I was hungover because there's something about the seltzer that like soothes you, the flavor, you need something. But I mean, isn't it so funny that nothing tastes better than water when you're thirsty? When you're, oh my God, last night I woke up in the middle middle of night and i felt like i had a cactus in my mouth right and uh turns out it was a porcupine that you picked up on the side we gotta go and but you chugged chug water and you like it was just the most delicious thing it was insane i had like three of the smaller ones and it was how water is so hard for me to drink when I'm not thirsty and I know I need to, but when

My body tells me I need it. It's almost like worth waiting until you're super thirsty because of how good it tastes. You feel so human when you just chug water and it tastes good. You feel so like, yeah, it's an experience. 70% of our bodies diet coke.

Got it. Another left turn. Left experience. You know, because 70% of our bodies diet Coke. Got it. Another left turn. Left turn. You guys, thank you so much for listening today. Thank you to all the besties who are just diehard besties that listen to every show. Even if you don't listen to every show, we love you so much. Thank you for listening. You're so sweet, and I love you.

And make sure you watch us on YouTube, subscribe to our channel, and also definitely get on Instagram and subscribe or follow Nikki Glaser Pod because we go live a lot on there. I don't go live on my own Instagram ever. I only go live on our Nikki Glaser Pod Instagram, so make sure you follow that because we do really fun stuff on there.

Love you so much. Have a great weekend. Don't be cuh and Jack Sparrow. Jack chest. Jack chest. Like you're jacked. Oh, a jacked chest. Also, if you're an NBA team there, sign Myers Leonard.

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