The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #18 Forty One Phoneless

Episode Date: April 21, 2021

Nikki sees her friend Andrew in distress as his most precious possession is cracked and broken. Yes, his phone has sadly passed and he describes the hardship of getting on Instagram without it. Nikki has her own "old renegade" encounter and You Heard it Here First; Horoscopes are kind of right, the T-Rex count is low, climate change is happening and no, Nikki doesn't care about diets. They Finish Each other's sentences and get a little dark in the Final Thought. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hey, it's Nikki. You're right. Noah, good morning. Good morning morning Good afternoon Whatever the hell it is Hi besties

Thanks for listening to today's show It's Tuesday I am still in the In Grand Cayman It is Well no it's Well It's Tuesday where we all

Listen I leave Wednesday I don't want to leave Starting to think of ways to stay longer Listen, I leave Wednesday. I don't want to leave. Starting to think of ways to stay longer. Don't know that that's going to happen because, well. Andrew has a story in his news that might make you want to stay. Really?

Yeah, just a little teaser for you. Oh, no. What could possibly be happening in the news that would make Nikki Glaser not want to come back to the States? Let me guess. More masks forever. Well, it's more like St. Louis-oriented. Centipede infestation. Every highway is turned into a two-lane, 35-mile-per-hour two-lane highway.

I'm thinking of all my fears. They're having a fat man diving competition this summer if you don't know my biggest fears my um phobias i guess you would say because they're kind of irrational fears are i don't like centipedes but i've kind of grown up getting over that because of being a vegan and just like accepting all animals into my heart and over the summer i befriended a spider that was very centipede-like that lived in my parents' guest bathroom, which was my bathroom for 10 months of last year. And I ended up naming the spider Trevor and befriending it and treating it like one of my pets. And then it took away the scariness of it. So I have plans that if I ever see a centipede to name it. And then it will then be like,

I won't be as scared of it. However, my other phobias do include two lane highways where both cars are only separated by no barrier, but like a, just a simple, you know, yellow dotted line. And there is a bigger chance for, you know, a collision situation if someone attacks or if someone just like gets jerks the wheel even a little bit you are like you know

head-on collision so that's a i think a rational fear it's all over the caymans those highways so i've kind of i've kind of had exposure therapy here and then fat men on diving boards um trying to show off for their wives and being drunk drunk fat men on diving boards it doesn't even have to be fat men but that does add another thing to it because the board will bend even more but i'm scared of like a board breaking i'm scared of on the the first bounce and then they come back for the second bounce before they spring off that it will they'll miss it and somehow it'll like scrape their whole fat back i don't know what i'm scared of it just happened a lot during swim meets at tree

court in st louis when i was a kid after the swim meets the parents would all be drunk and then the dads would try to show off because they're probably trying to like start an affair with another woman there or they're just like trying to find some kind of joy in life because their marriage is miserable why am I making all these men in miserable marriages maybe they're just drunk and want to go off the diving board and I was scared they were going to hit their heads on the side of like the the the pool when they came down, like just a thwack of a bloated kind of probably pre-diabetic, definitely alcoholic, sunburned 42-year-old man. And so I would hide in the bathroom until that was over. After I had just like had a great swim meet

where I got probably a lot of purple ribbons, uh, because I got injured during the battle. No. Um, I think I, I got fourth place a lot of times, but I was really good at Brad. All right. Uh, butterfly, uh, pretty, pretty fucking good at butterfly, I will say. But anyway, I would hide after the swim meets because these dumb men, and I was so embarrassed that, that I was scared of this dumb thing that like dad's on diving boards so I'd have to pretend that like I don't know that I had to shit or something I don't know what I would pretend anyway those are the only things that would keep me from coming back to St. Louis so fast but I'm excited to hear the news okay it's none of those okay well Andrew might not want to come back or might not want to stay because his phone has been decaying for months.

He refuses to have a case on it, which is just the weirdest thing. Because when you drop it, it slowly, like it might not break, but like dropping your phone countless times will add to it. Like it's a piece of very sensitive technology. And so he never got a case for it. This is what happens if you don't have a case. And finally it just all, it started cracking the glass on the back, started cracking. And then those pieces were falling off. Then he had to secure it with duct tape. And then finally his screen just gave out you know and it started um it's turned all these colors it looks like it belongs in the moma in like a uh you know modern art exhibit like the the colors of the shattered screen is actually

very beautiful i said it belongs in andrew's uh blue period because he is so depressed without a phone. He walked into my hotel room today and it looked like he had just lost his house in a fire. He's not anxious. He's just sad. It's like this Andrew I've never seen. And he said, you wouldn't believe the morning I had. He went to like two different cell phone stores. They can't even promise him if he bought a new phone for $1,100 if it would even work in terms of like getting Verizon picked up here. He's just demoralized. And he has no connection to Instagram, which is his connection to the world. He is on his laptop right now but the problem with when you lose your phone and this happened to me before when i locked my phone in my apartment one time is that in order to get in your gmail

or your facebook or anything from another computer they send a code to your phone so you don't have your phone so you literally become barred from entering any other data, like the place where you would get your like email or your social media. You can't get in any of them because they send a code to your fucking phone. So just be warned to everyone out there. Losing your phone is not as easy as just like, oh, you like, what's the worst that could happen? I mean, honestly, it, it would really suck. Anyway, Andrew has no phone. He's, I doubt he wants to stay here that long without a phone unless we can solve that issue. I don't really have a place to stay yet. I booked myself with too many things, too much work that I can't even enjoy my vacation here.

Like you guys, I literally booked this so that after I was done shooting this show, I would have like a rest and like be able to enjoy this amazing hotel room. Yesterday I had to do a college show and we had to go to brunch for Andrew's thing. So I was at like another location all day that was, which was really fun. And then,

um, at like another location all day that which was really fun and then um and then today I have a photo shoot to prepare because there's this amazing photographer out here that we worked with on the show and I was like oh you should take photos for me because I'm having a new tour coming up and I want new pictures for it and photo shoots are like four hours plus hair and makeup. So like six hours. So my whole day is gone today. And then tomorrow I have 1800 podcasts to promote the show and, uh, which I love doing, but like,

I don't know why I booked them while I'm in paradise. So might move one or two of those because I'm literally staying at the nicest resort and the nicest island that I've ever been to and I can't even enjoy it but that's just the way I work I don't the way I work is I work it sucks um no any thoughts why did you do that because people asked me to do podcasts and i've been pushing them off to promote this show because i was on the show yeah and so it just like the first time i became available i looked at my schedule and i was like oh this time and i was supposed to be home at this time so these were all like kind of booked before i did i knew that I was going to stay. So we'll see. We'll just see. But I would like to just relax a little bit and let my voice heal again. I'm so clogged up. I don't know what from. I mean,

I do, but it's just over talking. Having too much fun, talking too much, doing too many podcasts. Not this one. I like this one. The good thing is I never dread doing this one and that's the joy of the Nikki Glaser podcast. And just knowing all the people that are listening and how much I dig our listeners and it's just so fun.

So let's kick off the show today. Let's get Andrew in here. Pull him off his laptop. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at the daily show which means he's also back in our ears on the daily show ears edition podcast the daily show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture you get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment politics sports and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else,

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Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right. Andrew, phone-less. Andrew, Todd, Colin. podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts all right andrew phoneless andrew todd collin 41 phoneless how'd you sleep buddy oh it was a rough one i guess you you discussed it um i discussed it was it was a tough night for old AAC phone list, shoeless Joe Jackson. Yeah.

No, I mean, you know, I live and die on Instagram. I'm addicted to it. I need to stop. Maybe this is a sign from God on my 41st to grow the fuck up and not worry about it. Yeah, it might be. But yeah, last night I was on Instagram on my computer. Everything was fine.

I had your phone too where I was checking and you allowed me to post. I really appreciate it. And then last night I was on Instagram on my computer. Everything was fine. I had your phone too where I was checking and you allowed me to post. I really appreciate it. And then last night I was kicked out of Instagram due to suspicious activity. And they only let me get in if they sent me a security code over to my phone, which obviously wasn't working. So I was stuck without Instagram on my computer. And so, you know, it was tough. I got through. I got through.

I got through the night. It wasn't easy. Isn't it crazy that it's just Instagram? It's not like your email. It's not like the Google. It's not anything else. It's just Instagram. You know what I mean?

Like you're not like trapped from, like it's not that you can't call your mom or you that you can't text like texting is a little bit of the thing but the main thing is instagram yeah well what is that why why instagram for us i think probably because it was my birthday and i was getting hit up with a lot of likes which would have made me feel a little better i would have got a dopamine rush and it's honestly died down already but even if it wasn't your birthday i think it would still be instagram would be the main thing that we'd be that you would be missing you know i'm saying like i'm just it's not i'm not like there's no judgment be the same for me like i if if i would rather you take away everything well no because i've got like emails to answer but if it came down if we're taking email out of it instagram versus every other thing

i would probably want you to take away every other thing well i mean in fairness it is partly our job like if we were just like posting for vainness but like we have to go on we have a podcast instagram i also send out messages i treat instagram like my email right are you okay no i'm just trying to block the noise. What noise? From like the reverberation. Oh, there's reverbs? Yeah, there's tons of reverbs.

But yeah, no, I think I sent out a message to Heather McMahon to do my podcast. The other one I have. Not promoting it on here. Stay on this one. don't jump off no no one will it's okay you can say that but no one's going to maybe three people might jump off but don't jump don't jump but i literally just sent a message so like treating like instagram is email as well that's the other reason why we care about it i think it is an email but and also you got me you maybe get

some like hot chicks i was i was on my phone yesterday which you had your account synced up on mine and i saw girls messaging you or like fans messaging you that would pop up on mine but not like while while i was it while i was in my account it would show like your other account that is hooked up to this device is getting this message and i was like so tempted because this girl was just like something about the vaccine like this hot girl was just like um something vaccine and i wanted to be like i got the vaccine bitch like i just wanted to be like i'm not wearing a mask because i got the vaccine and then i saw that she responded like oh ha ha ha and i was like oh he must be writing to her and I don't see this

So in real time I could see you messaging but I could only see her messages and I wasn't trying to look but you logged out Eventually, I think maybe that's when no I didn't. Oh, you didn't I never did. Oh, I guess instagram just logged out No, I never logged out. Yeah, I got a lot of happy birthdays from women from men men, from boys, from dogs. The gamut. But I had a great birthday yesterday. Nonetheless, I don't want to look at the negatives.

I will get a phone eventually. If not, who cares? I'm off the grid. Kind of. Not really at all. Wait, can we just say what I just filmed? Wait, how'd you sleep? So I slept shitty is what i was saying because i was literally trying to get onto instagram for a good three and a half hours

no way like something crazy maybe that's what yeah i was trying to figure out a way to do it without fucking needing it to just get a phone number wait i would have just given up once it said we sent a code to your phone and i didn't have my phone no i googled how do you get into instagram without so go through facebook you could go through the facebook app which i did and it didn't allow me to i i tried to log in uh log out to log in there were a few different ways right there were a couple scams that i probably almost fell for but i i decided not to click on them that say hey we could get you into your Instagram account if you just you know give us your credit card was in there that you needed so bad they're nothing just a light just red dots just red little hearts

what's yeah I said I described when you walked in here today as like a man who had just hit a dog on the way here and had to give a dog mouth to mouth and i wouldn't even care not even close i mean you look so sad just like a man that was defeated i just fucking hate when i actually go and do an errand that should be easy and it doesn't work it's not even about my my phone. It happens to me constantly. And I don't know if it happens to a lot of other people where I have one errand to do and it becomes fucking a wild goose chase. Like I went to one place. They're like, we can't do it. I went to another place.

They're like, oh, it doesn't open. It doesn't open until 10 a.m. And it was like 930. So I was like, all right, I'll wait. And then I waited 30 minutes. No phone. Just sitting out watching a lizard. And it was like 9.30. So I was like, all right, I'll wait. And then I waited 30 minutes, no phone, just sitting out watching a lizard fucking, almost fucking another lizard, which was kind of cool. That's what happens as you see nature.

Yeah, that's true. That was pretty awesome. You like observe things around you that are constantly happening. Yeah. That's what I was saying before the show. I said, now Andrew is forced to live in an austere environment. Yes, austere. we looked up the definition like uh uh no no luxury no luxuries was yesterday fun for your birthday did you have fun at the brunch i did have fun at the brunch i uh it was a very uh

outdoor brunchy club feel Boozy as hell. Boozy and boozy. Oh, boozy and boozy. If it was 10 years ago, I would have had 40 shots by 2 p.m. I would have been on the dance floor with half my shirt tucked in by my neck, sweating disgustingly. Like, it would have been bad.

I mean, we were, it was so hot. There were so, it was like, they do these brunches here, at this place called tilly's that like everyone on the island who is in the caymans that literally billionaires like these trust fund kids that are there worth billions of dollars and we know that for a fact because we were like with people who like and we asked them are you worth yeah like they're the richest people i've ever been around richer than anyone i'm around in hollywood ever they're all at this brunch thing they every brunch has like a theme party this one was dim sum so we could no

one could actually dress the theme because it would be like cultural appropriation so it was just like people enjoying dim sum but like um but i wouldn't put it past have you ever been to a day brunch party where it's like bottle service? No, no. People are doing the saber thing, the rich people thing where they cut off the top of the champagne. And they were having a mimosa contest, chugging contest. They did? Oh, I didn't see that. It's funny when we were talking about it.

You get there and everyone's reserved because it's kind of a fancy place. And then you just get as fucked up as possible to act like animals. But the only way you're going to get there is if you get as fucked up as possible to act like animals but the only way you're gonna get there is if you get as fucked up as possible yeah otherwise everyone's like some people i think knew who i was or like but like oh can we talk about old renegade oh my god i got old renegade so bad you guys what but the thing is i still i still how did you guys not start with this well well we are now well here's the thing it's like there was a guy there was a table of like these hoity-toity like very rich trust fund kids and and i'm sure they're listening to this podcast because they're like i wonder if they're

going to talk about the brunch like i bet one of them is at least listening and they're going to share it with their friends but But they, they knew, I know they knew who I was, not that I'm anyone, but like, we've been on this Island. There's like different Facebook groups that talk about celebrity activity on the Island. Like I know that there's chatter. I'm not any, I'm, I have 740,000 followers on Instagram in the scheme of things. That ain't a lot. I'm not that famous. And I know that. And I want to be very clear on that, but they did know who I was. I saw them looking me I saw them like noting it and like I just knew clocking it and I was talking about them too I was like oh my god her dad is the you know invented

deodorant or whatever the hell it is and um so and this one girl looked like Hailey Bieber like exactly and so I was kind of fangirling out about her just because she looked like Hayley Bieber and had like amazing bone structure that was probably a lot was done by a doctor but I do not shame her for that I'm just saying like it was too perfect and I think that sometimes you just go to a doctor and be like can I look like Hayley Bieber and they can just do it so anyway she um someone at her table these two this guy and this girl were walking over to the meat which was placed right behind her table there these two, this guy and this girl were walking over to the meat, which was placed right behind her table. There was like a chopping block where they were just smashing chickens,

corpses. It's disgusting. So disgusting. It gets you in the mood though, to dance. And they were walking towards it and they were pointing and whispering. And I was like, Oh my God.

And right as right before that, I was talking about how like, I, I, I, no one ever recognizes me or something like that. And I go, except right now, that guy's pointing at me. That's so weird.

And then they walked past, and they were pointing at the chickens. I got old renegaded. She got old renegaded by dead chickens without their heads caught. Nikki's fans look at her like they look at dead chickens. Yeah, they go like, ooh. Ooh, look at that body. Ooh, maybe I don't want that. Look at her. They look at dead chicken. Yeah, they go like, ooh. Ooh. Look at that body. Ooh, maybe I don't want that.

Look at that thigh. Look at that breast. Mm. And Nikki was like, they're coming. They're coming. Play it cool. Honestly, we had the same skin tone. I had the same skin tone as a rotisserie-ed glazed chicken because of my orange spray

tan that was melting off by the time we got off the dance floor we went and danced for like we did dance i was proud of ourselves so much we were the everyone probably thought we were wasted we were the only people dancing um and we were the only table that wasn't drinking at all and we were dancing more than everyone and uh no one else danced it was yeah we were told everyone was gonna start dancing once they got drunk enough but no one did it is funny when you're like the first guy on the day you're like hey everyone's gonna follow suit and then it was just us three or four of us and we had fans in our hand like it was very hot they give you fans that's how hot it is yeah and it's all just such bullshit it's very good it was a lot

of going on just luxury and like this like just we're rich and this is how we do things like separate forks for different salads separate flutes for different uh like champagne glasses it's all just such a bullshit just put things in a normal glass stop muddling everything with mint everything stop sabering off the tops of champagne glasses you're just fucking rich bored and you need to like adopt these things that make you feel more rich your money disgusts me your your um your uh the way you drink disgusts me the way you like wear ironic like poor people things disgusts me the way you dress like 80s to like stand out because you don't have an identity because all your identity is wrapped up

in the fact that your dad has more money than you'll ever make in your life. And just develop another talent. Maybe you do have another talent, but yeah, wealth disgusts me. But I do like to be seated next to it and just go, oh my God, she has a billion dollars.

Like she could do anything. Like what motivates you in life if you have a billion dollars like what could possibly motivate you i mean i think love i look the billionaires were checking out those chickens and i guess food and love food love sex massages cocaine yeah charity pretending yeah pretending to donate to things even though it's but we also put all this on them and i've met plenty of very rich people that have rich people like and i'm not trying to like take away i know that there are tons of those people actually do have real talents there's probably that girls probably like and uh can make beautiful music or like there's tons of

rich people that have amazing talents and they don't want to be rich and they don't want to like get by on just being rich. But I guess I just I feel sad for people because I'm so motivated by like trying to have enough money to make sure everyone I love is safe that if I already had it, I don't know what I would do. And I think that. Oh, I would keep trying to save people outside of my family. That's what i'd do so get on that rich kids yeah and i was just exhausted by like 2 p.m like when you day drink back in it like yeah i used to party and then you'd go through the night and next thing you know it's like 10 p.m and you're so drunk you're just slobbering you're walking around you're eating

a cheesesteak you have fucking mayonnaise all over your face. And you're like, dude, that was a fucking, that was a rager, man. That was a fucking rager. Dude, you fucking were crazy. You fucked a conch shell, bro. No, I didn't, man. Dude, you fucking, dude, you were fucking eating sand, dude. Well, it looked like a pussy. And the sand looked like.

Yeah, conch shell is like a pussy, dude. My dick has cuts all over it. But, dude, I was fucking. Yeah, dude. Anyways, I'm going out on my dad's yacht tonight. Let's get to the news. You heard it here first. yacht tonight let's get to the news you heard it here first you heard it here first noah says you have some news that's gonna make me not want to go back to st louis oh boy when that's not the first one but first of all i hope everyone's having fun out there and i hope you're having all the swells. Really all of them. Not even a little bit of swell.

The swells. Plurals. Okay. Astrologers agree that each zodiac sign gets bored in relationships for different reasons. We're both huge zodiac heads, so let's find out. You're a Gemini, correct? I'm bored by this. Do all the zodiac signs also get bored by any news regarding zodiac signs?

It's interesting you say that, Nikki, because you're a Gemini, which is an air sign that's driven by innate curiosity. They're very susceptible to growing bored in their relationships. That's actually how a lot of Gemini relationships end. Doesn't that how every relationship ends? Let's be honest here. What the hell? They need a partner who challenges them intellectually

while presenting surprises and new unexplored depths. Otherwise, Gemini may grow complacent and start looking around for something else. I mean, you seem to need to be stimulated, though, more than most in a relationship. Are you talking physically or mentally? I'm talking vibratorly. Yeah. I don't know who wouldn't fit that description of course I do

I don't want a relationship to be stagnant I want to have like to be surprised and swept off my feet in different ways of like oh my god he did this surprise for like he thought of me in this way that I've never seen him think of me like I hope that when I'm you know married

for 20 years there's still ways that my husband is like making me go like oh my god he loves me in that way like that's so thoughtful like I don't ever want someone to stop trying and I myself will never stop trying to win my husband's affection and like let him know that he's more special to that I make him I try i will try to make him feel more special than anyone else and that and like do the same kind of thing that i would try in the beginning of a relationship to win them over i really don't feel like there's ever you you never just have someone you should never feel like uh complacent so i would expect the same and yes i wonder if i do need a lot of years you know how you could keep it original and

different maybe just buy her a different car honestly like writing a message on a banana in the morning knowing that you go to work before and you know she's gonna eat a banana or put it in her smoothie and writing with a pen on a banana peel i love you so much i i peel amazing around you or something you know what about like deep throat this banana like you would my cock that would be hilarious that'd be hilarious it is funny with these things because i i read this i'm like god that is so nicky but you're right it's just so general that it could be anyone you could be anyone it's like a medium yeah what's yours aries is prone to become bored in relations because they tend to jump into them very quickly not true for you ruled by mars uh they have uh they're associated with passion and aggression

aries go in full woo mode and sometimes forget to make sure they're fully compatible with the person before making efficient i have done everyone could do that yeah but it's like these are just so essentially i like i get into it too quick. It's good to teach you about yourself, these things, because we all have a little, and it's good to kind of introspect. Noah, what's yours? She's a Taurus. I am a Taurus.

And they love being cozied up with the person they love and living their best life, because they tend to be more of a homebody and comfortable in a relationship. They're slow to get bored of their partner, but it can still definitely happen for one of two reasons. Either Taurus feels unappreciated or their partner is unreliable. Taurus is security focused and a partner who doesn't do that,

they say is a huge turnoff. It's a hundred percent me. Okay. I would, I would like to go through a horoscope sometime or like what the description of these things and read them blindly and pick the one that fits you the most, one through 10. I've never been asked what my horoscope is and the person be able to tell me more than like five things.

Like they'll be like, what's your horoscope? I'll go Aries. They're like, oh, Aries. Like that's it. And that's where it ends right yes or they i've never told someone my horoscope and they go whoa that doesn't you don't strike me as a gemini it's always like that makes sense i just like does it or did i could have said anything that she does really hit her on that yeah it's it's true i mean i just don't believe i know that i don't

know enough about it but that's because i think it's hogwash but i think that um I just don't believe, I know that I don't know enough about it, but that's because I think it's hogwash. But I think that, I just don't believe that the way, the day you came out of your that you enter into the air like the human earth air is significant in any way i do think you and conan o'brien have all these things in common because you have this chair birthday i mean get out of here and i know that people have arguments against this astrologists do but um i just don't buy it i i do like that so many people i love do buy it though i used to not believe in god too and now i believe in god so i hear your counter argument because you seem to really well i'm not really in like in i don't uh live my life based on what the horoscope says but this does describe my uh my attachment style which is anxious

and um i think for Nikki, it says that you need a person who's like spontaneous or something, but I like to keep you on your toes and interested. Yeah. I mean, it kind of nailed it for us three, I guess. Well, Andrew's isn't so much, but. A little bit. I have got, I got in relationships where I have, where I don't weigh out everything.

And so therefore next thing I know it's two months later. And I'm like, But how can you not? Who hasn't jumped into a relationship that you're like just overcome by your sexual chemistry and you like think too far ahead? But take out the relationship aspect. Take in like the fact of like my where I went to college

like I never think about when I came to here to Cayman I didn't like weigh positives and negatives. I just do things. It's a good part. Yeah. It's a good point. Okay, I'm in. I buy it.

I do think though like when you're born, you know, like if you're, depending how old you are in your grade, when you go through puberty, all those things affect you. So like depending on what month you're born in does like affect those kind of things.

But I don't think when like astrology was being created, they were considering the public school system in America. No, they were. They were. But I think there is something to say about our energy and the earth and stuff. I guess I am kind of a hippie in that way. Yeah, no, I don't. I do feel like we're connected.

I don't hate it. I mean, like I said, I didn't believe in God until like a year, less than a year ago and was a very much an atheist. And now I'm like, okay, there's something that isn't me that isn't maybe a something or someone but there's it's or it's like there's it's we're not it's too crazy that whatever i like i i don't know i just i'm a little bit more open to an idea of a higher power um all right next story

this one's wild you're gonna lose your mind on this researchers from california estimate that about 20 000 t-rex existed in north america at any one period of time during their existence 20 000 how many t-rex did you really think were roaming around did you think that many way more what way more i'm sure there's like examples in the book sapiens but like we have not we think we're like the end all be all but dinosaurs were here so much longer than we were and they all disappeared and the fact that we think we're going to be around here forever yeah right yeah right we will be extinct someday just like the dinosaurs and the dinosaurs in the scheme of things even though no it will not be discovered until maybe ever when it comes down

to it dinosaurs one they will they will have been around here longer than us by far as our most like many species the humans are kind of like a short a short uh span it'd be so hard to hang out like at a starbucks outside knowing there was a t-rex like within 30 miles you know what i mean it would be hard but they did they weren't around with starbucks at all but you know what i mean though like predators like god the world was so different like a caveman when we were you know back then like you had to be scared at night. And, like, everywhere you went. Now, as a woman, you just have to be scared when you, like, walk in a parking lot in the dark. A T-Rex will get you.

Yeah. And a T-Rex is a guy in an old leather jacket with a switchblade named by old renegade. Oh, my God. Callbacks. Dude, I don't know man i that i just i i didn't i thought there was maybe like honestly like like 150 t-rexes like maybe because like you only what you only see like actual like park that jurassic park there's one in there okay listen andrew i think there were two but i mean there's two of every like things in zoos all

the time but there's thousands of thousands 20 000 for me is low okay so snow is this the new story yeah snow the rapper is it is former you know i don't know what's happening. He moved to St. Louis, so you'll never want to go there. We got to get the snow is extinct. I'm guessing the climate phenomenon, it's not even a phenomenon, the climate event of snow, is that going out?

Well, midweek freeze likely for St. Louis as the coldest air since 1986 this late in the season shuffles in. I don't know. I looked at the temperature. When is this coming? It's supposed to be starting Tuesday. I thought I saw it in the 50s. Since 1986.

This time of year. So it's probably in the 40s or 30s or something like that. Yeah. Well, that makes me happy because it means that something that happened in 1986 is still happening even though climate change was well into effect in 1986 but let's be honest with ourselves um things aren't good we are at the very end of some really like we're at the we're at a really nice spot of like climate change it's like still like whoa this came out of nowhere it is getting worse and worse every year i'm literally i'm scared to move

to california because of fires and people are like we won't get you at your house and i'm like no one thinks they're gonna die in a fucking fire earthquake you can survive much easier than a fucking fire that just shows up at your doorstep out of nowhere people die in fires and people think that they're just random people running into fires no no no they don't want to die in a fire so just just because you think they won't get you doesn't mean they won't i'm so lazy too i would see a fire and be like ah it's not getting me and then it would literally be in my living room and i'd be like chocolate yeah that's kind of cool that fire yeah and literally i would be on fire still being like dude i love la like i'm burning to death be like dude i wonder if the comedy stores has spots tonight

it's like you're bleeding you're burning bad you're like can i charge my phone real quick before this fire kills me? Yeah, honestly. It's like in New York when I would see a fight or an argument or something gets shot, I'd go right to it. I'd be like, what's going on here, fellas? It's like, there's an active shooter. You know what I mean?

I would just be like, this is weird. It's like you have a bullet in your neck. All right, so why do i care why do i care all right what's what why do i care oh man i don't know if you're gonna care about this one nick okay kumail uh nanjiani who leaves the gym with his biceps bulging oh i saw following a workout in la gym as he prepares to shoot an upcoming Star Wars series. Okay, so he's staying in shape for a role. I mean, I just...

How can he be funny and so jacked? That's what everyone says. They're like, dude, he's a comedian. Why has he got veins? I mean, he is so jacked. I mean, he's very jacked now. Can't they just CGI that? Why does he...

He looks sad, too. That's the guy who's eating just like... He fasts. That's his thing. Ew, I don't even want to talk about it. It's so lame. He probably is starving right now. He probably feels good because he just finished a workout,

but that goodness is fleeting because he's going to go home. He's going to eat the one thing that he's been allotted to eat that hour. It's not even tasteful. It's punitive. He's going to eat his little steamed broccoli. I saw an it's like punitive. He's going to eat. I saw an article. He eats bad. He waits 24 hours.

He'll do a 24 hour fast. Do you, do you come out? Oh, you punish yourself because you ate bad. I, I love Kumail. Actually,

he's a friend of mine, but like anyone who does diets, I don't want you in my life and I don't want to hear about it and i don't want to talk about it i think you're um i think you yeah i just don't want to be around people who diet can he have his kind of like uh aw shucks demeanor with that body are you allowed to he's still the same person i mean i've looked like incredibly great for my, like the best I've ever looked is the worst I've ever felt. So I never judge based on someone, how hot someone is,

like how funny they are, how funny or how fucked up they are. Well, with like the Jonah Hill stuff to Seth Rogen, oh, they're fat now. Now they're skinny or Chris. No,

if anything, they're even more so because they have to maintain that. He feels like now if he lets that go, what is his? No, is, oh yeah. yeah those muscles if he lets those muscles go what what about the next star wars star wars don't end you know like he has to keep that up and so now there's like this thing that his funny will never go away but that will and his worth now is is probably based a lot on that do you think someone like like Chris Pratt can go back to being like a schlubby role? Can you go fat to ripped back to fat?

I watched a Chris Pratt clip from when he was fat. Or like, you know, when he was a little bit doughier from Parks and Rec the other day. And I was like, man, he is so fucking funny. Why has he not been the comedic lead of like a rom-com yet? I guess people would argue that he is, I mean, those movies are funny. They're hilarious.

No, no, Guardians of the Galaxy are funny, but they aren't as funny as Chris Pratt could be. Yes, agreed. He is Seth Rogen, Jason Se siegel judd apatow funny i mean that guy is like the he is maybe not jim carrey but like he's close steve carell i'd put him up there with any of them i mean he's a brilliant on parks and rec and it's honestly i cannot imagine why he hasn't done a really broad comedy yet. I don't know. He might really like just staying in shape. And that might be important to him.

He could still be in shape and funny. John Cena in Trainwreck the other day was really funny. Oh, my God. He was very in shape. Do you... I mean, do muscles... Do you think Kumail could have the role in Star Wars without being... Like, how much of it is, like, vain? You don't think? No. No, I think he has to look like that. That's, like, could have the role in Star Wars without being like how much of it is like no vein you don't think no no I think he has to look like that that's like required for the role

but I think he got it before he was able to prove that he could get that fit so I think it wasn't like contingent on it yeah but now it probably is and now it's just probably his own thing when people get obsessed with their muscles and their bodies like I know this you can tell me whatever you want but if you go to the gym every single day and you eat like and you count your calories you're not your your life is not as happy as it could be and you're trying to control something because you're not as happy as you're just not you're not happy you're making up for something and i'm that's from someone who's done all that stuff before you're hot you're you're making up for something. And that's from someone who's done all that stuff before. There's a difference between wanting to stay healthy and being obsessed and having an obsession.

And I think the diet culture and the fitness culture is an obsession. People that like, I have to do six spin classes a week. Oh, do you? Can you take one day off and not feel like you're going to be obese? No, you can't

because you'll be mean to everyone in your life. If mommy doesn't get to do her workout today, she're going to be obese? No, you can't because you'll be mean to everyone in your life. If mommy doesn't get to do her workout today, she's going to be in a bad mood. Why? Because you're going to be obese tomorrow? No, you're not. You know that's not the case because you have OCD around it. And your OCD is based on the fact that you don't feel enough inside and you're addicted to something. I feel like I get addicted quick with working out and stuff,

and then I find a nice common balance, hopefully. It's hard. I struggle with it. I don't like to even dabble in working out because I can get so addicted so fast to everything. But are good addictions good? No. There's no addiction that's good, in my opinion.

None. What about addicting to helping people? No, not good. That's like a workaholic. Yeah, because then you get tired and you can't even do the work as well as you could because you're too tired. People that are like, I love working. I only slept three hours. It's like, who are you doing any favors for?

No one wants you here. You're working like a drunk person because you're so sleep deprived. Like, go get some sleep and come back and actually be able to do your job well okay moving on it's now time for finish my sentence where andrew and i try to predict how we each would finish each other's sentence um noah picks the sentence we finish it out today's sentence is noah All right. A weird thing that has turned me on is okay. A weird thing that

has turned me on. Should we start with Andrew? Okay. Andrew, you go first. A weird thing that has turned me on is seeing Nikki walk down a dock from about 150 feet away in little girl outfit. Wait, wait, wait. No, you're supposed to be speaking as nikki

well that was a good one i should have picked that one a weird thing that is my best friend i was so into you thinking of mine that i was thinking of mine i guess that's so funny um yeah i should have done that one i'm sorry out there hold on that one that was really funny and i should have thought of it on my own, but I didn't. Yeah, that's a good one. But I'll think of another one for you. But what is a weird... Can you do me?

Yeah, there's a few that I'm thinking of. A weird thing that has turned me on is imagining or having my boyfriend have sex with another woman and then describing it in detail to me. See, that doesn't feel weird to me. But I think to 98% of the public, it's weird. Yeah, that's true. But also, I will say a weird thing that has turned me on or that has not turned me on is that. Oh.

I used to like the idea of someone I like being with other women and then telling me about it. But recently, I've been more jealous than I've wanted to be with people that I like because I think it's like they aren't mine yet. So they're just a guy I like. So what if they are yours? That I don't have a problem with them getting a blowjob. No, I don't care. Okay.

And then another weird thing that has turned me on is I like um oh okay i'll only do one okay i'll do one for you hold on oh god what the fuck what has turned you on about some girl like that you couldn't okay i i think i got one uh And this is like some version of it. But like a thing that has turned me up, a weird as in not like weird that it's her, but like a thing that's unusual for me that turned me on. My name is Andrew Collin is a lot of tattoos,

like more than I thought I would have been like attracted to, but like a whole like body of tattoos whereas like the old andrew collin might not have liked that but now like it's very intriguing a girl with a lot of piercings a lot of like a lot of like oh there were so many judgments of like i wouldn't this person could be dirtier they could uh not be into possibly the same things as me because they have like all these tattoos and i've just you just meet enough you're you're exposed to enough people that are gorgeous with tattoos that are actually insanely intelligent that are way cleaner and way nicer and way

more respectful than any than so many people that i know who would never get a tattoo yes you know what i mean so yeah just being exposed to it. Yeah, it definitely turns me on. The thing that I was thinking for myself is like anything. Like if you get to know, if you like, I used to think that like, you know, when you go on Tinder or you go on these dating apps, like I swipe left on like everyone

because if you're just looking aesthetically you become so picky but like when you're back in the world of like meeting people and getting to know people you realize that like the people you become attracted to based on social interaction um you would probably swipe left on like a lot of times like I because I'm so picky I'm not like I'm not like one out of every four guys I swipe right on it's like one out of every a hundred that are attractive enough

that I just like instantly go like yeah I'd want them inside me and even then I'm like I most of the time don't message them I just like but I realize that like I most of the time don't message them I just like but I realized that like I and just older men too like I that's the thing that happens when you get older is you're like oh I'm attracted to men that like I used to that used to be old to me you know now they're my age or like now they're like so like I'm very horned up for men in their forties when that used to be my dad's age.

Like that crept up on me. And that one is surprising to me. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Just men that don't look like young anymore that look like men. Like I never thought I'd be into like men. Yeah.

Like a manly man with that has a career and like drives a sedan. Yeah. And that like, just wears drives a sedan. Yeah. And that like, just wears like polo, like polo shirts, maybe tucked in even, you know, maybe.

not that yet. But just like a guy that like has like, uh, like has a luggage tag that like has what status he is for american airlines like just like men has reading glasses in his pocket yes that have like that that's a good example of like that have reading glasses like boys don't have like like there's some boys that like have their lives together enough to be like, oh, these are my skin creams and these are my hair...

But a man as his adopt kid. You know what I'm saying? And it rolls out. Yeah. They are who they are and some of the stuff that they are is really nerdy or really

just old man, but you're just like, I guess I'm like just old man but you're just like i guess i'm like an old woman now like i'm 30 i'm about to be 37 like i'm a age of a woman who could like be married to a 60 year old man and people would maybe go like oh that's weird but like not really yeah you could have a teenager yeah as a kid oh i could have like a 20 year old as a kid well yes you could yes that would not bat any eyes kids that have girls have kids when they're 17 all the time true that's insane my baby girl i never had is about to graduate from college next year oh my god she can almost drink uh-huh i i she'll do well at

university of missouri that she barely got into proud of molly who i named after the american girl doll that I... That was on my Christmas list the year I lost my virginity in this story. Dude, your imaginary kid is fucked before she went to school. She's fine. She learned it from you. Yeah. She saw your porn search and she...

You just tried to be a good mother, but that gangbang really... Final thought. Old Glazed Dog had a great little solo sesh last night. Well, you're in a very nice apartment or hotel room. I tried two nights ago and it was just, I tried, I've been trying a lot recently and I've just been like getting too sad. And so, Noah, do you ever end masturbation sessions? Like kind of getting sad.

Cause we've read that book Cupid's poison arrow about the female orgasm. And it like brings up a lot of sadness for women orgasms. Yeah. That usually happens a couple of days after for me. No, not during already starting. I'm in it. But if I'm sad before I start, I probably just don't even try at all. Right.

Right. Sometimes I try to do it to get me out of a sadness to be like oh let's change the vibe here let's take this feeling that i don't want to feel and make it a horny feeling and then it just like brings the feelings out more and then i can't finish and then i just end up like crying which is also a release in and of itself and it is coming out of my vagina and it's not pee it's tears wait no it's squirt when you come though and you're let's say you do a sad depressed come oh i don't i won't come then but yes okay i'm just saying like after you finish i guess you're only sadder if you don't finish yeah i'm

usually stop myself because i'm just like i can and'm just like, I have all these like swirling hormones and I cry. Yeah, I remember the day my grandpa died. I jerked off within minutes and I was sad. But no, I'm just saying like as a guy, like your emotions tend to, like you could jerk off through anything. Right. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you know, my house could be on fire in LA, my imaginary house and my imaginary teenager died and I could still probably jerk off that night.

Yeah. You know? Yes. But I do get what you're saying. There are times where I'll go a few days, though, if I'm depressed. You just don't even really look at porn. You're not horny. Yes.

Horniness doesn't really go with depression. I was telling some friends. My friend was in a car crash with a girl that randomly, like, he van on like some kind of like work-related trip with a bunch of people he didn't know and they were in a car crash and the girl almost didn't survive and um and neither did he and then they both did and like because of that car crash and just being like tangled up in this wreckage together and going through it. Like they're married now and that they would have never maybe like connected. Didn't that happen with Jason signs?

Like they got in that, he got in that accident. He was a comedian. Oh yeah. He fell through a, um, while they were hooking up, they were like hooking up for the first time at a party,

a friend of ours. And he's still with her. I think they're still together. They fell through a, uh, what's it called? A light, uh, like, you know, like the, the windows on the ceiling, uh, a friend of ours and he's still with her i think they're still together they fell through a uh what's it called a light uh like you know like the the windows on the ceiling a glass something glass skylight yes a skylight skylight and he is is he paralyzed no he's good he's walking now i think i don't know we probably or so and he was yeah they, well, we don't know for sure,

but they might still be together. We hope that they are because that's a better story than if they aren't. But regardless, I'm sure they have like a bond for life that if that would have

just been a normal hookup where they walked across a skylight and nothing happened and then they made out and, you know, got to second base, they may have not talked again.

Yeah. So here's hoping to all you and your hookups end in some kind of tragedy which you survive and it brings you closer together yeah we should jump off the balcony that's why people have kids they're like we've been through like kids and like how hard it is to raise a kid regardless of how many marriages it ends it probably definitely keeps some together that maybe would have ended without it even though don't have a kid to save your marriage and that's what i've heard i don't know by by you know

experience yeah or have a kid and then have something horrible happen to that kid no andrew we're not ending on that note that is a terrible note no i'm saying that it would make you want each other more in the bedroom potentially oh my god i'm just trying to figure things out okay everyone don't get mad at us for anything we've said today no not like life or death just maybe he gets a c on his report card okay that's the kind of trauma bonding we're talking about is that here where it says jimmy could put in more effort oh god that would be so hard to go through i can't imagine surviving that um all right guys we gotta go what a final thought we'll be here tomorrow still in the cayman islands we hope unless we're deported for the things we've said here on the show today um any final thoughts

andrew no this was fun i i love everyone i love all the best friends swells around swells around follow us on nikkilazerPod on Instagram and write into the show at the NikkiGlazerPodcast at gmail.com. And we'll talk to you tomorrow, guys. Oh, and we're on TikTok. Oh, and we're on TikTok, NikkiGlazerPod. We've got to put some more stuff on there.

But follow us. Oh, yeah, we can't get on because Andrew broke his phone and he was the one that was managing it. So stay tuned on that one. See you tomorrow. Okay. Okay. Jon Stewart is back in

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