The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #180 Last Chance Gas

Episode Date: February 22, 2022

Nikki took a 17 hour nap and Andrew is convinced she was in a coma. She tells him about a lucid dream she had and then something about her reality that irks her. You Heard It Here First, there was something different about the latest whale watching experience, therapy explained perfectly by comedian Spencer Sileo, shortest celebrity relationships and Nikki does care about Britney Spears' upcoming memoir. Hollywood beliefs, possibly profane Grover, a French twist, Nokia ringtone origin and irrational fears are all in Nikki's Reddit Dump. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Happy holidays from me, Michael Rappaport, and my gift to you is a free subscription to the I Am Rappaport Stereo Podcast, where I discuss entertainment, sports, politics, and anything and everything that catches my attention. I am here to call it as I see it, and there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these days. Listen to the I Am Rappaport St report stereo podcast on the iheart radio app apple podcast and wherever you get your podcast the nikki glazer podcast here's nikki here i am welcome to the show it's nikkiaser podcast. Happy first day of the week for our show, everyone. It's Tuesday. It's not Tuesday to us. It's Monday night. Not going to lie to you guys. Originally thought I had a really busy day on Tuesday shooting Perfect Strangers 2.

You guys know all about that. But we just got a text that I'm not due on set until like 2.15 or something crazy like that. So I'll get to sleep in a little bit, which I really need after today because let's be honest, I only got 17 hours.

I repeat, 17 hours of sleep. We got back from a day... Is that a coma? At what point is it a coma? It's... You know what I mean? At some point it's got to from a day. Is that a coma? At what point is it a coma? It's. You know what I mean? Like, at some point it's got to be a coma. I was walking to the car today after I slept. I didn't even set my alarm because I thought there's no way after going to bed at 6 p.m.

I'm going to sleep until 12 noon when I have to be out getting, go picking up, picking up you guys. But I did. And I woke up to a call from you being like hey aren't you getting us and i was like and then you said i will come get you and so when i went out to go i love your voice too but when i call you and you're and you're definitely sleep through something you go i'm sorry i did like it just sounds like i woke you up at like three in the morning yeah you know it was well are the kids alive, you know? It was swelling. You're like, are the kids alive? Yeah. You know, you're like.

Coma. Coma. Coma, coma, coma, coma, coma, coma. So I remember walking, this morning I walked out and I felt, sometimes you sleep so much that you are more used to being dreaming than you are awake. And I thought I had to do my test

to see if my finger went through my hand to see if I was in a dream or not, which I do. Last night was my first successful lucid dream where I put my finger through my hand. I tested in the dream and my dreaming, put my finger through my hand. It went through my hand.

I knew in the dream I was dreaming and then I decided to go flying and I went flying. And I kept having to do it because sometimes it wouldn't go through my hand i knew in the dream i was dreaming and then i decided to go flying and i went flying oh and i kept having to do it because sometimes it wouldn't fly or human fly human flying how's that it was your arms or you just yeah i was i was almost like swimming like kind of riding a wave like you kind of just let it take you and you go and i flew all over the goddamn place it was so fun and it was it was something I've been trying to do for a really long time.

Were you able to land, I'm wondering? Because sometimes it's hard to land. I closed my eyes at one point to just feel the wind and see that if I could just do it and not think about it. And I brushed up into the grass at one point. I hit the water at one point. So I kept falling,

and then I would have to redo my hand to make sure I was dreaming to be like, no, in a lucid dream, you're supposed to be able to do whatever the fuck you want and i don't want to land so i kept redoing it was very interesting but i'm so excited to go to sleep tonight but it reminded me this morning when i was like is am i still in a dream of when i used to smoke so much weed i would start to feel high when i wasn't high because it was actually the it i was spending more of my time high than I was not high so that being not high felt like the special thing that was like whoa

so today when I was awake it was the thing I do less of nowadays and it felt like I was dreaming if that makes any sense no it does I don't know how I did it I mean I don't know how I did it. I mean, I don't know. Everyone goes, you needed it. Girl, I did not. I have not been sleep deprived lately. I have not been going on like three hours of sleep. I've had a really normal sleep schedule, and I couldn't get it. Today, I think I was depressed. I was definitely depressed today.

I'm coming out of it a little bit. But yeah, I think that when i'm awake it means that i'll have to do things that i'm i'm letting people down constantly by not returning emails or looking at my special to send in the last edits and i don't want to do it and if i'm awake it just is the guilt of having to do it and if i'm asleep i don't have guilt why don't you just send the emails send emails in a dream lucid dream that I'm reviewing my special and giving notes on it

that would be nice that sucks when you wake up like did you ever wake up for school and start getting ready and then you that would happen to me all the time I would get up and I would start packing for school and I would eat breakfast like on a Saturday or something no just like when my mom would be like Nikki it's time to get up

and then I would go yeah just a little bit and i'd go back to sleep and then i would dream that i was getting up and doing all of that stuff and then i would wake up and i'd be like oh my god i have to go do it all over again i have this thing where i if i when i wake up i want my brain to be extremely active and like ready to go for some reason and i think with like older age like i'm like why am i not awake yet but when when you're younger and in high school i remember waking up because i have to wake up at 6 a.m i would be like a zombie until around 8 30 but you're still awake but you're not questioning that you're a zombie does that make sense i've never felt like why am

i not more awake when after i wake up what is that i wonder i don't know i don't know i just want my brain to feel like right and like like i don't i just don't want to feel like i'm in a fog maybe i'm like afraid of it right because i've done i've had that happen a lot like where i just feel like because of my anxiety and shit, I can't like function as well as I want because my brain is trying to depression though. Like, does it feel, do you feel sad foggy or do you just feel like you just can't like do math

or word all foggy? I was sad like a couple of days ago. I don't even know why, but yeah, I mean, I'm definitely depressed at times, but I just get scared. Anxiousness is,

it's usually anxious more than like i'm too anxious to even be sad if that makes sense like i'm like too like too late and then when you're anxious what is the what are you fearing well i haven't had a full panic attack in a long time i'm getting on zoloft which you know i was nervous about doing i just feel like zoloft it did its thing like i was on it for what two years two and a half years now i'm on well buterin so i was doing a combination of both and i just i feel like zoloft put me a little bit it numbed me out where i like you know certain things will happen in my life,

and I'll just kind of be like, oh, man. Yeah, you're not getting excited about stuff. You're also not getting super sad. Yeah, I'm just not feeling feelings. You're not emotional, yeah, about things. And I kind of miss that. Yeah. Even though, I don't even know if I felt them before so long.

I know. It is hard to see. It's so subtle what those drugs do to you that you don't really know. Like until you, you'll find out when you get off it. Well, you've gotten off it before. You've never experienced like the brain zaps or anything like that.

Like I never noticed. I just, you know, didn't want to kill myself as much when I was on them yeah yeah like but I can't describe like on a day-to-day how it changed my life I was still like struggling with like I'm on stuff now and I'm just but what made you get off Zoloft like initially because I was fine and I don't need it anymore because it's fine I'm fine and the reason I'm fine is because I'm on Zoloft yeah I mean that is the that's what everyone does all the time, dude. I know.

You're like, I don't need this. I'm great. And it's like, because you're on Zoloft, you dumb dumb. But, you know, that takes a while to, but I mean, I still fall prey to that kind of thinking a lot of times of like, oh, I'm, it's like when you work out a lot and eat healthy and you're like, I look great.

I've got this. And you're like, I can let myself go. And it's like, no, you look great because you were doing the things that were right. It's not a sign that you're just good now. Like there's a reason for those things. And it's because you were doing the, you know, making healthy choices. I, this morning though, I was just so like, I get, I get worried in the morning when I'm like this morning I woke up really depressed and was like my,

the feeling I get of dread is that I'm going to have to fake like I'm happy and it's just going to be like running a marathon when he like running a marathon pretty much when I have to pretend like make jokes and like maybe talk to one of the network executives and they come in the room and I just want to sit in the makeup chair and just talk about how sad I am. And I just have to be like, I'm excited. Like that's the, that's the shit.

That's what I'm asking. When you go, what do you like? If you're anxious, what are you, are you dreading something? I'm filled with dread of having to be fake. Sometimes if I'm going to be completely honest,

I get anxious when you're in a bad mood because like the other day, like when we're doing writing stuff, like I know when I'm like pitching jokes, when you're not feeling your best self, it doesn't feel good pitching because you're not getting rewarded the way you want don't see anything nothing can be good literally like i was saying like when you're depressed nothing there's nothing that will be like a positive thing i know so so as someone though that has to pitch to that person it's like i get it so like i'm sorry no no but i'm not coming at

you i'm not trying to be like it sucks again i you know i think it's been great working with you and i think like i'm not just saying that but the jokes like we've come up with really funny shit this season on perfect strangers yes and it's been very open and i think you've had your days of like depression are very few and far between yes comparatively speaking yes and so yeah i mean i don't know so i maybe there's a there's a way where we could go obviously i'm not doing doing what like you're like i'm not doing that well today i mean i try to say that often yeah but yeah i guess i didn't the other day before we started pitching out on jokes it's fine though like it is what it is like i'm not i don't get like i really like i don't get emotional about i just understand it and i like i get it and i empathize with it because if i had

to have to tiptoe around someone's fucking mood i really that's what i hate the most about is like when i'm depressed i just want to stay in all day i don't want to be around people because i know that uh i know that, uh, I know that feeling too, of someone being in a bad mood and you having to like tiptoe around it fucking sucks. And I don't want to inflict that on other people. And sometimes you just have to show up at work. And,

and then the things, and honestly, when I'm depressed, it's just, it's wild. Like you could be like, what about puppy dogs? I'd be like,

they're stupid. It doesn't matter. They're all going to get old and die. Like literally give me anything. You could give me literally Taylor Swift music. Uh-oh, shot try. Like I could find, I will find, there's nothing you can say that will make me think

it's actually going to be okay. Nothing. And it's just a shitty, it's just, it's just, it's like a brain, it's like a filter on your brain that you just cannot let in any good. And nothing seems positive. There's no point to anything. I was really having that day today. And it sucks because.

But with your job, you can't hide. It's not, I mean, I know, obviously people probably know what you're doing. I mean, they see. A lot of people don't. Oh, maybe not. The other night I was on Instagram Live with our busties and people were like, can you tell us anything? I'm like, come on.

Well, people thought your reality show in St. Louis was Perfect Strangers 2. Yeah, well, I mean, I don't blame them for not knowing. It's very cryptic. But I'm in a tropical location shooting a show that may or may not have, and we're shooting Perfect Strangers 2. But imagine being depressed. Imagine imagine at home you're depressed and your job is to put on and you're a woman or even

a guy and you got to put on tight clothes you got to put on three hours of makeup and you have to pretend to be the happiest person on it yeah and interested in things that might not be the most fascinating to you in that moment. Yeah, but that's the other thing is like things couldn't be greater for me right now. And I feel it's almost like you want something bad to happen to justify how sad you are. And like nothing is bad right now for me. And I almost, you know, the other day I had a talk with who uh is a part of my team about a project I could work on that would like take my life to the next level in terms of fame and money and success and all that stuff and it sounds like the greatest opportunity and there's just so much like if I

would have had to do that job today I don't think I would have been able to I mean I would have done it but I want to be excited about doing things and i'm just so scared about running into these days where i just can't find any happiness in or any reason to live and literally the only reason i'm showing up and doing it is because i don't want to let other people down which i think a lot of people do on a day to day is like they get out of bed for their kids or their dog or their they got to go to work because their kids won't be able to eat like you you do live for other people but I don't like to do I don't want to do that and I don't I'm so scared of having kids or any I guess I think about having kids a lot or just a show where it's the big it's the big it's the big leagues like this is your chance to have this show that you could have the rest of your life.

If you fuck it up, it's done. It's like am I in the right space to do that? And I also was talking to you about it. I'm also very scared of getting any more known because I just don't think I can take people hating me. And the more known you get, the more people hate you. And I just can't take it. I can't handle it i can't

i can't especially if you're opinionated it's just like yeah it's bound to talk about like you can be a famous actress and just do roles and people can like say they don't like you but they don't really know i have no idea what uh the mccarthy woman i don't i don't know one i don't know one one of her beliefs or anything about her you know what i mean i don't know one of her beliefs or anything about her. You know what I mean? I don't know what Cameron Diaz ever thought about fucking anything. Some actresses do come out and speak and then we hate them all. But the other day I was just looking. Like Aubrey Plaza the other day,

there was some blind item about her not being that nice. Don't know if it's true. Don't know anything about it. There was just some story that she's not fun to work with to work with someone wrote that and i read all the comments thinking oh they're they're gonna fucking latch onto this like like you know just what's it called when there's blood in the water and all the sharks come i don't know i just thought of like that's what people in demois which i talked about before these celebrity fanatics they love a fault with someone being a cunt

and they get to tear apart a woman being a bad person. They fucking love it. Isn't that her whole character? But I swear to God, they were all like, I don't believe it. Not her.

There are certain women that just get a pass in this business because they're cool and everyone just deems them like they're cool. I could make a list right now, but I don't want to

because it shows how insecure I am. But I'm not, I'm never, even though like I've made it, you know, like as much as it is, I've wanted to and I've always wanted to do the stuff I'm doing. I will never be really cool. Like cool in the sense that the guys like you,

the girls like you, everyone agrees you're cool and there are just some female celebrities that get that pass and i never will i already haven't there's people that really hate me i mean i feel this a million percent it's just it and i just don't want it to i know that more people will love me if it gets bigger but i just i don't even want to get any bigger than this i don't want to get more famous i i really don't but i do want more money so that i can survive the apocalypse and protect my family and and help my family if they get sick and stuff and have money for that and um but i don't want to get any more famous because i don't want to have any i don't want to have to read i can't go on

twitter anymore i used to be able to go on twitter and read my ads and now i can't anymore because there are people that hate me just as much as I hate myself that day saying exactly the thing that I am thinking about myself. And it's just, so you just, you just have to live in a bubble where you close yourself off to stuff or you get strong enough to not let it affect you. Well, guess what? That day is not coming. And so I just don't even want, I'm scared about my HBO special coming out.

I'm scared about this reality show coming out because I just don't want to, I'm scared about my HBO special coming out. I'm scared about this reality show coming out because I just don't want to read people's opinion about me, ever. Good or bad. I don't want anyone to have any opinions about me anymore. And it just sucks because, well, this is the way I'm feeling today, feeling a little bit depressed, but that's what I signed up for.

Do you feel like, how do I put, the idea of cool or whatever, do you feel like if you put out a scripted series, right, that was like dark comedy that was- I don't want to be cool, to be honest, because the cool girls are bullies, and everyone's scared of them.

And I'm not saying Aubrey Plaza is this. I'm just saying that the girls are bullies, and they're mean, and that's why everyone's nice to them because they know they're so mean and they'll get torn to shreds if you go after them. And people know that I'm probably like the reason people are mean to me is because I'm nice and I and I'm sincere and I'm not this fake mean person that it but all the girls

that are like the cool girls that all the cool guys like and who get a pass any would no matter what they do are are mean and so but do you think though that there's I don't a certain kind of content do you know what I'm saying but then I feel like and then I'll make another show and everyone will hate me or they'll go no wait she's not cool remember

when she did this thing yeah she's actually not cool and I don't want to be cool I'm just like I, I hate the hypocrisy of everyone on Demois loving when it comes out that someone's a cunt. And I kind of love it too because I'm like,

good, their true colors are shown. And then, and then at the second it's someone that they don't, that they go, no, I want to like her.

They go, no, it's not true. It's like, no, I'm not saying, this has nothing to do with Aubrey Plaza.

It just was an interesting thing to me that i thought oh my god they're all gonna hate aubrey plaza now whether or not she should be hated based on whether or not this is true and whether or not you should even hate someone for being a cunt on set who cares like i mean the funny part is i couldn't spell dumois which just shows like like well you could if you, but I'm just saying like, it wrote about you. You would just call it Dux Moy. Olay. You would call it Dux Moy.

Call it Circus Dubna. Now do you know what it is? It's D-U-X, D-E-U-X-M-O-Y. Point being is like, point being, we all think everything's so fucking important.

Yeah, it's, everything's a small percentage of like, no one knows, there's 99% of people might not know who Audrey Plaza, you know what I mean? Or like, yeah, there's 99 of people might not know who audrey plaza you don't or like yeah like none of this no one knows who i am i'm like i and we're gonna be forgotten in

three generations yeah that's what i read recently yeah three generations okay let's name our great grandparents yeah you go first one of your great grandparents names no can you name your great grandparents my great grandparents their first name you're not alone don't feel bad no one your great-grandparents' names. Noah, can you name your great-grandparents? My great-grandparents? Their first name? You're not alone. Don't feel bad. No one can. Can you name one?

No. I can name one, Eugidius, but that's because my dad burned it into my head. Oh. But I don't know what he did

or what he looked like or anything else about him, and my dad would be so sad for me to say that, but what that tells you is you have eight great-grandparents and you if you can't name one of them then no one's going to be able to name you in eight in three generations not that far actually and if you can name a great-grandparent that means you got a lot of teen pregnancies in your family and you probably knew that they were young they were young you know yeah i threw my baseball with my great-grandparent how old was he whenever they in your family and you probably knew the person. Oh, that they were young. You know?

Yeah, I threw my baseball with my great-grandparent. How old was he? Whenever they have those ones that's like five generations in one TikTok and it's like, Mom! And then it's like,

Mom! And they all come in and I'm just like, these are just teen pregnancies. Why are we celebrating this? These are our five mistakes. All right. Let's take a break

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And then me too happened. And then everybody else wanted to get pissed off because the white said it was okay. Problem. My oldest daughter, her first day in ninth grade, and I called to ask how I was doing. She was like, oh, dad, all they was doing was talking about your thing in class. I ruined my baby's first day of high school. And slumflower. What turns me on is when a man sends me money.

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All right, we're back. Let's get to the news. Andrew? You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Hey, everybody. Hope you're having all the swells out there. It is Tuesday. You know what that

means? It is Tuesday. Sure, we talked a lot about depression in the first part of this podcast. This part might be even more depressed. We saw some whales yesterday. I know. I didn't see them because I swam too slow. Oh, they weren't whales. Sorry. They were sharks. They're fish. Whale sharks. The only whale I saw was in the mirror afterwards.

Come on. No, but really, I didn't get to see them because I didn't swim fast enough. But I did jump in. They were so fast. I did jump in. You did jump in. You tried. Thank you for doing that.

I really appreciate it. We were all kind of like not feeling it. The drive was more intense. I got to say, the guy getting eaten by the shark in sydney it's done a lot to my brain it's done a lot to mine as well and i saw the unblurred video yeah on the way there on the way there i passed around the car yeah it wasn't good um yeah really sending a lot of warm wishes to anyone who witnessed that or has you know was that guy what was his name again simon uh yeah um any of his like any yeah nellist um yeah it was it's grim

and i didn't google if great whites were in the baja peninsula area but i googled it afterwards and they were nowhere near where we were. Thank God. People move. As soon as I dove in, I was thinking about what, all I could think about it was if a great white hit me,

like just, I just want to see it coming. You know what I'm saying? I don't. I just want them to get me on my ass. Oh, you don't want to see it coming? Nah, just get my ass. No, Noah,

would you want to see it coming or would you want it to just come out of nowhere? You know what? I don't like surprises, so I'd probably want to see it coming or would you want it to just come out of nowhere you know what i don't like surprises so i'd probably want to see it coming like when you're i'm always scared of car accidents because i don't want it to happen just out of nowhere like to get t-bone where you don't see it so i don't like sleeping in cars because i don't want to wake up to just like i'm dying i want to just go like you know when i was hit by a car in manhattan i thought i was gonna die and i go no no no no no like at least i had a i got to think my life got to flash before my eyes you know i want to see it and i know that's worse to brace for a car accident than to just have it hit you willy-nilly but i want to i don't like what i don't know that's very interesting to me

that you would rather just have a shark come bite you out of the murky waters out of nowhere because sometimes when i'm flying in a plane i I go, I could die right now. Now. Like if we hit an aircraft, let's say. Sometimes I'm just going, it would happen now. Now. Like it could happen any second. It's just, you know, there's not going to be a warning if we strike.

Would you rather that or fucking fall to the earth? Fall to the earth. No way. I just, I don't want to, I want to know when I'm about to die, even if it's really scary. I don't wanna i wanna know when i'm about to die even if it's really scary i don't know i guess part of it though is like you maybe can survive if it's like a sully situation yeah well let's say it's imminent that i died both ones i want a little bit of time and even if i don't have time to like log on to boingo what would be your last thought what would you do like let's say you have i don't know how long does it take a plane to crash?

30 seconds? Anywhere between that and fucking 20 minutes sometimes. Oh, 20 minutes is way too long. I'd probably meditate a little bit. Okay, anyways. But yeah, we actually had in a car, we almost ran out of, whatever. That was the most thrilling part of the whole journey. We ran out of gas.

Well, I was driving. Drove a lot yesterday, by the way. Six hours gas well i was driving drove a lot yesterday by the way like six hours yeah six hours good job by the way so we're coming back and there's very few sporadic towns with gas stations here in uh mexico and uh sporadic i drove past a small uh town seeing the gas knowing I kind of knew that was the last chance to get gas for a while. And then we're driving through the desert. But you said nothing. You said nothing. Nunca.

And then we kept going and Andrew alerts us that he then goes hey Stephen could you Google when the next uh gas uh station is and then he looks at me he's like um it'll be about 50 kilometers and he's like so like what's give her take uh so then he had a countdown for like when it ran out and it was actually in kilometers and um it was 50 kilometers and we were we saw we just were getting to a gas station

just enough time. And then all of a sudden, the countdown of kilometers till it ran out just went blank and we didn't know what the fuck was going on. We didn't know if it was gonna... So then we just... And we're in the desert, dude.

Like dead. We're gonna become a cactus. We're not. We're not that far from stuff. But it would have just been a huge hassle. We could have got a Nuber, actually. It would have been a hassle. A hassle, yeah. And I would have called Nuber huge hassle. We could have got a Nuber, actually. It would have been a hassle. A hassle, yeah.

Oh, I would have called Nuber before we even went to a stop. We all know that story. Yeah, I will abandon you on the side of the road. Real quick. But it was just so thrilling to almost run out of gas. I was falling asleep right before this all happened. And I was just like how am i even gonna like stay awake for this conversation in the car like i don't want to sleep while

andrew's driving i want to like support him because i'm sure he wants to sleep too and then all of a sudden we started running out of gas and i fucking loved it it was so fun you were you responded in a way where i was like i kind of want to run like i don't like you were so cool about it that i was shocked yeah because i was i've never run out of gas before i've never been in a car that's run out of gas i was like this will be a first i need have you ever run out of gas before noah that's actually like one of my biggest fears with driving so i always make sure i have enough gas what what's what's your fear about it? What's going to happen? But I just get stuck and I won't have any cell phone service

and then I'd just be on the side of the road. Yeah, live there. Get murdered. Yeah, murder. It always ends in murder. Yeah. Yeah, I was just nervous about it taking a lot of time and us just floundering with what to do. But no, I was kind of... You just feel stupid

when you run out of gas because it's just a very preventable thing and you just it's just it's not like you're fucking carburetor overheating

or whatever those things do this is just you saw it coming and you thought you could yeah kept going but we made it

and it was funny right as we were pulling up to the gas station which is a great move anyone who's in a car running out of gas to someone right as you see the gas station,

start acting like your car is running out of gas and everyone goes, no way. So Andrew starts stopping like, oh God. Oh fuck, dude. It fucking is,

oh shit. And it was just far enough that it would have been, we could see the gas station, but it would have been so annoying to have to walk over there and he was just tricking us.

It was pretty good. Okay, let's get to the news. By the way, gas here, $1. $1. A gallon, $ one dollar it's fucking 1984 prices i don't know what's going on because it's the book 1984 embargoes or something the u.s goddamn embargo sorry noah what are the stories oh yeah yeah news noah oh look at him relaxing yeah no i'm getting a cramp. From what? All that swimming yesterday? My goatee's

wet. I'm not used to this kind of weight. Andrew has a goatee, everyone. Yeah, we need to discuss the goatee. I think that's the first news story. That's the first headline. Okay. Well, I was trying to line up my beard and now I look like I went into the Capitol. It is a interesting look. It's not a bad look why is that a bad why are goatees

worse than anything else well it comes with age i think i think as a man around 50 you could start wearing a goatee or fit or like 18 i think it's the greatest of all timey the goatee no like goat i just like a goatee and just like here goatee someone's like calling you a goatee oh it's a little goatee and someone goes a goatee it's kind of fun because you look like a goat right like it's a billy goat right that's what's got to be gray in it but i kind of like it it's fun you know i i usually grow my beard longer than shave the goatee, and it's too pronounced. This is a decent length. I might keep it. All right.

It's very polarizing. I put a poll up, and it's 48-52, yes to no. So people are fucking. It's splitting our nation. It really is. It's like Russia-Ukraine or something. Embargo. Noah, what's the first news story?

Okay. 70% of therapists had felt sexually attracted to a client at some point. Whoa. 25% fantasized about having a romantic relationship. Whoa. Nevertheless. I like that one. Oh, sorry.

Very few therapists actually started a sexual relationship, and typically with only one client okay so still if they did with one yeah they still did it you know what i'm saying also i love these 45 that have no imagination you know what i mean like 70 want to fuck them but only 25 fantasize it's like what are you you know wait a second yeah they they don't want a relationship they just want to fuck them fuck yeah they just want to fuck but 70 i remember one time my friend lizzie cooperman told me that she was talking about she had a male therapist and she was talking to him about oh i remember sex and she heard him go like she heard him swallow and like breathe deeply it was so funny um this actually

is funny because it brings me to um a stand-up clip that i saw um on reddit um it's about a guy it's this i follow stand-up comedy on reddit and there's always like these new comics posting clips and i told you about this guy the other day i was like this was such a funny joke i really liked it i don't know his name is what is his fucking name um spencer cilio s-i-l-e-o he probably will i hope someone if you know him tell him i'm talking about his clip but this just made me laugh and it was about exactly what we're talking about. And I literally told you this the other day.

I like to watch what the up-and-comers are talking about, you know? Yeah, you gotta stay on the beat. Stay on the beat. Stay in the street. Oh, Greenwich, I've performed there. Beat kids. Beat kids. Beat kids. Kids on the street. Kids on the beat. Beat kids. Greenwich Village is the club

down the street from the cellar where people don't get in the cellar and then they're like this is the same thing yeah so this guy is performing at the greenwich village comedy club which andrew didn't describe he just said oh greenwich because he forgot that you couldn't see what he sees hey man can we all listen stevie wonder how do you think he plays the piano? Okay. Okay. I started going to therapy for the first time recently.

I signed up for a free program because I didn't have health insurance. No cool kidding about me. So I jumped into the Zoom right with a stranger so I didn't get to pick my therapist. So I get into the Zoom with a total stranger and she's like this shockingly beautiful woman. And I was like, I i'm gonna lie to her there's gonna be a lot of lies in this first session

she can find out the really me on session three but not immediately first you know i am now like one small compliment away if i'm falling in love with her at any moment like a couple weeks ago she called me one of her most thoughtful clients and i was like are we doing this right now i just like funny i. I do, too. I love the idea of like, it's just there is sometimes that sexual tension between someone that is not supposed to be, like it's like maybe just someone that you're not supposed to have that with and just his thing of like,

she's like, you know, actually you're one of my most thoughtful clients. He's like, damn, are we doing this right now? And his Zoom is so funny to me. Well, it's so funny too because like you can put these things and that the other person on the other side is could completely be business you know like yes like oh is this cop arresting me want to fuck like no they're arrest like most of the time i felt attraction to someone that's like a physical attraction like a

sexual attraction i trust that it's mutual because i'm not insane like i can't really feel that unless i'm getting it back like i i can look at a picture of a guy or see a guy and be like oh he's hot and be like oh i'd like to but in there's a certain feeling you have sometimes and i think it's the sign of it being mutual like there's maybe as a guy if there's a little bit of flirting a lot of times guys are like well women don't want to flirt with everyone so this is just me and you think like oh that's an opening yeah because women aren't usually nice to me or like whatever so you think any little thing is flirting and guys are going into therapy they've never shared their feelings before they're

getting emotional they're getting vulnerable and so many times i think that men can misinterpret emotional vulnerability with romance and especially men who have never done this before with friends have never even said their thoughts and this woman is empathetically listening and being understanding and nurturing i mean i'm sure it's so erotic to them i love this kid being like in his first session being like so hard to deal with this 20 million dollar trust fund and a 15 inch cock i don't i don't know what to do yeah yeah yeah i just don't know what to do you should write him and tell him to do that as a bit so the first session i was just talking about yeah it's just fucking tough dude this girl was coming so much so then like but like you know that she was a hot therapist too i met on zoom you know that is i don't know that that women want to hear that you've only fuck hot therapists

on zoom oh it would be like more like oh you know i'm just like a guy that's only into like you know i'm looking for the one you know it's just like it sucks like having this big dick and no one to share with it you know like A big dick on a mega yacht is just tough. It's like, is my dick that big or is the yacht not that big? I just don't know. I do think one of the hottest scenes ever was in The Departed when Leonardo DiCaprio goes to hang out with his ex-therapist. It's your favorite sex scene, isn't it?

It's my favorite sex scene of all time. And he goes and she goes, it's okay, you're not a client anymore. And then it's like yeah it's my favorite sex scene of all time and he goes and she goes it's okay you're not a client anymore and then it's like it's fucking on and he's so like so close closed up and like as is just living a lie and he's like this guy who's like you know obviously working for the mob and like trying or not no he's working against the mob, right? Isn't Leo the good one in that? He is the good one. Yeah. I do feel like he probably came. That scene, he came in 25 seconds.

He's so pent up. Oh, my God. Don't you think? He probably came really quick and then probably had sex again. Be like, whoa, that was hot. He went again right away. God, I want to know everything about that scene

and if they did anything after it too. And if he put headphones on and only did doggy style. Oh yeah, I heard that he was a guy that listens to headphones when you have sex with him. That's kind of funny. He actually puts the Discman on her back. They had the skip protection? Sports mode.

Okay, next story. Okay, so this was trending on the twitter today shortest celebrity relationships you probably forgot as kanye west and julia fox split oh yeah i saw some of these i think okay um zach efron and michelle rodrig. I didn't even know that they dated. That makes sense. How long was that? Did they say how long? It was, I think, well, the following year, Michelle admitted she couldn't see herself with a single person more than six months.

So I guess it was six months or less. Okay. Okay. Black widow over here. I feel like six months is a decent amount of time, though. For celebrities? Sure. For anyone. Okay. Okay. Black Widow over here. I feel like six months is a decent amount of time though. For celebrities? Sure.

Yeah. For anyone. That's true. How about Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston? Oh yeah, that was super quick. I mean,

he was a getaway car as written about in the getaway car. She wanted to leave Calvin Harris and she needed a reason. He gave her a reason. And how long did she date him?

That was a couple months, right? June to September. Yeah, that old June to September romance. But she met his mom. There were paparazzi shots of her with his mom laughing, holding hands. And he was wearing a shirt that said, I love TS

when they went on a vacation with all her friends, July 4th in Rhode Island. It was this thing and he I read this whole article that he or this interview he did for maybe GQ I think you can look it up after they broke up and like kind of in in the wake of all of that and he was really devastated and still very much in love and a lot of people said it was just for show it was just like a publicity thing but the way that guy talked about her and like cried kind of talking about it and like not wanting to talk about it he was like a guy that was really brokenhearted and it made me sad and also fucking horny for that guy he's so emotional and he loved Taylor Swift as much as I do. And I will say that I once held

sustained eye contact with Hiddleston. Oh, where? In like 2013. That's a longer relationship than Taylor. You saw it all. You did it all.

It was so, it was good. Wait, so what, was that when your vagina ripped in half? It was at an after party for something. It might not have been MTV Movie Awards, but it was an after party for something.

And we caught each other's eye across the room, like a really, where it was just like, oh my God. Like, and I tried to kind of, I think I like tilted my head to be like, are you looking at me? And he just kind of tilted it. There was some confirmation that he was looking at me and it was so erotic.

And I thought, oh, for sure, he's going to come up and talk to me and he never did but it happened so gonna think about that tonight because i hadn't remembered that for a while but uh by the guy i'm my lover chris one time he talked about this on the radio recently so i feel okay saying it he was he used to work, he used to produce these big award shows and one year they were doing that MTV movie or some kind of awards in iHeart, some kind of awards in Las Vegas and Rihanna was warming up in one of the hotel rooms.

All these different artists were in different hotel rooms and each producer was meant to go check on them before the rehearsal and she was warming up and she check on them before the rehearsal and she was warming up and she held sustained eye contact with him while she was warming up singing a song for so long that other people in the room were like went up to him afterwards to be like what was that like other people witnessed it and it was real and he he literally thought like oh my god rap party this is on and that's been late a good... But he didn't talk to her?

No. You know, he's not the type of person to do that. He's probably... He likes... Well, I guess he does. I don't think with Rihanna, you have the balls to ever go up and talk to her. Who does?

I saw her one time at Bowery Hotel, and she's... Stunning. I mean, it's just like not even a human being. Yeah. She came in also the hat she was wearing was about 17 inches high. Was it one of those Pharrell hats? Yes. Like what am I going to do? At least you have something to talk to them about.

I like your hat. She's peacocking. She'll be like yeah who has who doesn't. Wait who else Noah? Oh yeah. Sorry. I don't know it's all good. Okay. Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande I mean that was huge I felt like that was like six months

it was enough time that it was man they were all over each other I loved that relationship so much it was hot and heavy yeah they were real chill about it they were so into each other and I remember shooting roast battle I was a judge on that. And he was a guest celebrity judge on one episode and she was in his trailer

and they were texting the entire time he was sitting next to me. He was texting her like nonstop. They're very like much in love back and forth. And, um, one time I was at the cellar and he brought her by just as I was leaving. And my mom forgot her jacket or something. So I had to go back and get,

my mom was with us that night. And when I went back in, Ariana and Pete were there at the table. And I was looking for my mom's sweater and Ariana got up to like look for it for me. And was like, I don't know where it could be. Wait a second, where is it? And she was like, here it is.

And then Pete was like, this is Nikki, Ariana. This is like, he was very sweet and introduced me. It was really a nice little and I also met Ariana when I did a sketch with her for Nikki and Sarah live she was hilarious we did the sketch where we were trying to fire people on our show and we just didn't want to do it so Sarah and I asked Ariana Grande if she could fire them with her beautiful voice so she'd be like you've been cooking fish in the microwave a little too much and no one appreciates it you're fired

and it was like Sarah and I would be like yeah you gotta go and they'd be like but that was beautiful it was really funny she's insanely talented yeah she's so

yeah she was great she only wanted to be shot from one side of her face though off skirt yeah only one side of her oh my god uh but i don't blame i don't blame her for that the girl knows her angles i mean i just who tells someone that they're one side or like how do you know that she knows it she's she's hype you know i don't know my good side whenever i have a better. Honestly. Okay. Wait,

look that way though. Like look, look this way. Okay. That way. And then do the other way. No, you're pretty symmetrical. Let me see what you got.

I know. Wait, don't tell me. Don't tell me. Okay. Well you, yeah, you like that.

No, not this way. You like the other way. No, I like the other way. Awesome. Then there we go. No,

let's see. Oh, mine definitely. mine definitely no it's definitely she likes her the side that her hair is parted more there's more hair on it i like this no i like this side oh you do let's see the other side oh oh you're trying to cover that side more okay i get it mariah carey is known for only liking one side of her face. Like she'll never. Ever be seen on. Yeah. Well, there are a lot of women that I meet at meet and greets and they go,

wait, I have to stand on this side. I'm like, do you girl? I, I, I have no problem with someone knowing what they like about themselves and just knowing it and just. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Let's take a break and come back with why do I care? Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now.

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Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls, and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community, and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crumbs as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. How serious is youth vaping? Irreversible

lung damage serious. One in 10 kids vape serious, which warrants a serious conversation from a How serious is youth vaping? Irreversible Lung Damage Serious. 1 in 10 kids vape serious. Which warrants a serious conversation from a serious parental figure like yourself. Not the seriously know-it-all sports dad. Or the seriously smart podcaster. It requires a serious conversation that is best had by you. No, seriously. The best person to talk to your child about vaping is you.

To start the conversation, visit TalkAboutVaping.org. Brought to you by the American Lung Association and the Ad Council. The OGs of uncensored motherhood are back and badder than ever. I'm Erica. And I'm Mila. And we're the hosts of the Good Moms Bad Choices podcast. Brought to you by the Black Effect Podcast Network every Wednesday. Historically, men talk too much.

And women have quietly listened. And all that stops here. If you like witty women, then this is your tribe. We'll be right back. Her first day in ninth grade, and I called to ask how I was doing. She was like, oh, dad, all you were doing was talking about your thing in class. I ruined my baby's first day of high school. And slumflower. What turns me on is when a man sends me money. Like, I feel the moisture between my legs when a man sends me money. I'm like, oh, my God, it's go time. You actually sent it? Listen to the Good Moms, Bad Choices podcast every Wednesday on the Black Effect Podcast Network,

the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you go to find your podcasts. Hey, you guys. I'm Katherine Legg. I'm a racing driver who's literally driven everything with four wheels across the planet. And I've got a new podcast. It's called Throttle Therapy. This season, I'm gearing up to make history, competing in some of the world's most notorious racing events, starting at the Indy 500. Join me as I travel from racetrack to racetrack in my quest to continue a memorable career in racing. I'm also going to bring you inside stories with legends of sports, new faces from the next generation of auto racing, and conversations with the people who who supported me throughout my career. We'll be getting into everything from karting to NASCAR, even Formula One. Whether you dream about being a pro athlete or an astronaut, we're talking about what

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All right, let's see if you care about this one, Nikki. Britney Spears is set to release a tell-all memoir as she signed a million 15 million dollar book deal red chicken yellow chicken blue chicken maybe it's a children's book that doesn't seem like that much money to be honest with you i would have thought 50 million whoa really i mean britney spears yeah seriously i would have thought 15 million does not seem enough to me for her. I mean, good thing she got it. But when we're talking about Netflix specials going for 100 million, Spotify deal for Joe Rogan, 200 million.

It wasn't 100 million, 200 million. 15 million is, and then when you go give that to your agents, to your... I mean, I bet now she's like... Money seems more to her now because she never had access to it before. It would be so funny if she got like... Like that Crichton guy. Maybe he's dead.

I don't know. Michael Crichton or like John Grisham. And it's like the most... Like the best book anyone's ever read in their life. It'll definitely be so good. I mean, I will definitely read it. I can't wait. I mean, it's good.

I hope the world lasts long enough that we get it. These things take so much time. We'll probably get it in 2025 or 2024. So I guess, yeah, the faster she busted out, the less she probably actually wrote it, right? I definitely don't think she'll be right. She shouldn't have to. And honestly, i don't want to read a book i want i want someone to like pull stuff out of her and put it in a way that's more readable than someone who was pulled out of school

very early she i don't mean to say anything look i've read her captions i know this girl is not the easiest it's not that i don't like her writing and what she says it's not there's a certain people think that being a quote-unquote grammar nazi is like you're just being pretentious it's just the way i yell at you about like make your photos less blurry with more light it's because it's just easier to look at and it's nicer to look at like grammar makes things easy to read in the way that they should be interpreted there's a reason we have grammar it's not to make people feel dumb. It's so that, so I hope that someone is helping her with that

because I just want to be able to read it. I don't, I'm the opposite. I would love for her to just write the whole thing herself. And emojis. And not one. And exclamation marks. And not one second draft.

One draft. I mean, that would, if we're going that route, you're right. It would be nice. And then it'd be fun. I would like you to go through it and redline it and that would be really fun to read too or or read it

in this like i mean i'm the the i wonder if she'll do her own book on tape i'm guessing she will but i wonder also if she wasn't allowed to do it until now you know oh absolutely she wasn't able to say fucking anything she was on such a lockdown. That's why she was having to give like secret. Codes? Yeah, codes and what she was wearing. And she would put like a little, like her straw hat would like spell help me

and shit like that. Jeez. I don't think it really did. I think people were reading into it a little bit too much. Yeah, it's interesting when you think someone's like. She's free and everything's fine. Having like so many layers and it's really like, no, there's no layers. I was just talking about that with Ellie Schnitt.

I just did a called Taylor Talk. I did this podcast just now. What, Fashion Eggs or something? All of Taylor Swift's like, she wrote the song, and then years later there's this other song that has allusions to it. It's like she was preparing for us to see that later on. It's like all these things that were so thought through. And then I named my special something.

And then I went back and watched my special after I named it that. And I saw that like I had this name that I came up with that has nothing to do with the material really. It's just based on like what. Analyze? Yeah, Analyze, of course. And I was going back through and I was like,

oh wow, I said all of these words at some point, not intentionally. It looks like i was plant that looks like the title is like more thought through than it was and i look more brilliant than i am oh yeah but and a lot of times as an artist or whatever i can say that i am or anyone can say that they are you just use words a lot and so maybe taylor swift wasn't putting an eas Easter egg of using the same kind of phrasing in this one song that she then called back to 15 years later. Maybe she just uses that phrase a lot, you know? Yeah.

I mean, I think a lot of people look for conspiracies within things that are just, that's what it is. It was like me early. What did I think I had a conspiracy about? Oh, the one, the Kim Kardashian thing where I think she got her she passed the bar the baby bar which is allows you to go to law school i feel like she might have gotten a yeah you know it took her three times which makes it even more believable as a story like she kept coming back part of me thinks she got it because law schools, she wants more people to go to law school.

Anything she does, everyone's going to want. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah. I mean, that's not the craziest conspiracy. You didn't know the word the other day for the word tacit. But I got it right.

But you've never heard that word before? When I spelled it. I don't know how I knew it. I get like putting, like it sounds like it would be a't know how I knew it. I get, I get like putting, like, it sounds like it would be a word and you saw it was maybe your only option at that point.

And tacit means. Tacit means like it's implicit, but it's not specifically said like tacit agreement. We had a tacit agreement. It was never said, but like he knew what I was talking about. Like not, not lawyer jargon though.

I'm sure it could be, but I, it's not specifically lawyer jargon. Lar jargon. Lars jargon. Lars jargon. Let's get to Reddit Dump. It's Tuesday. No, why do I care? Karaoke mode.

That was it. We just did. This is your Reddit Dump. Do you hear this wheel? I laughed with the laugh alright let's do reddit dump today let me get to some of my saved reddit things

um what are things Hollywood has tricked the general population into believing this is ask reddit this is interesting to read some of these um paramedics are someone said paramedics are constantly running and pushing the stretcher into the er at breakneck speed and doctors and nurses are always running

alongside down the hallways that's something i do think that happens and if i went to the er and was hauled in if people weren't like what what are her cts yeah yeah yeah can i get an sr at s or what i don't know i just i be like, do they not care about me? So that isn't what happens, though? No. What does happen, then? Oh, another thing people say, we're losing him. No one says that. Once the patient is stable in their room,

though everyone is in the hospital, peers to turn out the lights and clock out for the night. Oh, that's another one that people say. Yeah, lights out because the entire staff is having sex in the on-call room seriously though lots of patients think night nurses get to sleep it's hilarious um yeah another thing people believe is that la is clean and hollywood is glamorous la is not clean in hollywood the neighborhood has some of the worst homelessness homelessness and after leaving a show on sunday i nearly walked through piss streaming downhill right off Hollywood Boulevard.

That's obviously a comedian leaving Supernova, which is a great show to go to, but you will see it's on Hollywood's walk of fame, but you might slip and shit as you're walking from your Uber to it. You're not gonna get hurt unless you slip and fall real hard. But that shit, that guy might have been on ER.

Someone said another thing that Hollywood has convinced us of is you can outrun a giant explosion. That CPR brings back anybody back to life no matter what happened to them. I've actually listened to a podcast

that said CPR is more often than not like a dangerous thing to do to someone and CPR rarely works. Like rarely. That guy that fell in Florida,

remember that guy? Oh yeah. They tried to give him cpr and i don't know if you give cpr to a head injury i don't yeah right i would try it but i i know that it doesn't work i listened to this podcast i forget the stats on it but it was alarming how often it doesn't work and how people think it works a lot of guys just want to make out yeah that's probably it knocking people out with a blow to the skull or jaw is a harmless way to temporal temporarily incapacitate uh someone said any blow to the head that renders

you unconscious is quite serious if you're unconscious for more than about a minute the chances of you ever waking up start to go down drastically the longer it takes that makes sense what about um cutting turns really fast yes or. Or being able to drive. When you drive, the wheel is constantly going like this, is moving back and forth. When people fake drive, it's just keep it steady.

You don't need to do that back and forth. It's so weird. Also getting shot and dying. Like in movies, they die right away, but really in real life, it's like, like they're still breathing for a while

and like actually still standing up. Ah, that is good. The helicopters can sneak up out of nowhere. The fire alarm pull station setting off the sprinkler system. That missiles RPG rounds are slow and easily dodgeable by a human. RPG rounds fly at 300 miles per hour or per second. You are not dodging that. Yeah, these were just funny to read.

What movie does someone dodge an RPG? Like in their car or like as a person? I'm trying to think what. I feel like when people are like, oh, like they're not dodging it, but they're just like. I do hate when the main character gets shot at like 700 times and just never gets hit. And then he gets like, he just turns around and like born identity or something.

I was reading all about Columbine the other night. I went down a real weird Columbine wormhole. This is why you were depressed. Yeah. This was other night. And some guy got shot like eight times and survived. And there are other people that just got shot once in the wrong place. And this guy got shot in the head all these different places and there are people like in wheelchairs and like all

fucked up that were at columbine that are like walking among us and like you forget that there were so many people that like survived it let like and did you know sorry to go columbining on you but did you know that they columbine was the result of a failed bombing wait i thought we're doing a deep dive into columbine no we're doing elizabeth smart i think it's okay but columbine they meant to they put out all these bombs and they were going to bomb the cafeteria when it was at the most crowded time at 11 o'clock the bombs didn't detonate what they were going to do was pick off people as they tried to escape with their guns and when the bombs didn't explode they just panicked and went in. And really the whole time they talk about

how a lot of the people that witnessed these guys running around were really anxious and agitated and like pissed off that the bombs didn't go off and feeling like failures. It's very interesting. Oh, wow. Yeah, you think you know everything about these things and then you go in a YouTube wormhole and some kid-

What was for lunch that day, I wonder? All all right so let's go to the next one uh uh let's go to the first video i sent you noah i think i don't know where it is because it's deep in my head thank you sloppy joe oh this is one of those really fun Laurel and Yanny's. Oh. You know, where. Yeah, I love those. So it says, this is in Black Magic Fuckery, the subreddit, Black Magic Fuckery. And it says, is Grover from Sesame Street using profanity or not?

It's the same clip. There's one clip. There's nothing else. I'm going to play it. I'm going to put the text there. Whichever one you read is the one you're going to hear most likely. So here we go okay stop it yes so you're either gonna hear yes yes that's a fucking excellent idea or yes yes

that sounds like an excellent idea all right let's do it again see what you hear yes yes that sounds like an excellent idea move the camera yes yes that sounds like an excellent idea move the camera yes yes that sounds like an excellent idea move the camera yes yes that sounds like an excellent idea i mean i definitely hear fucking but then look at look at the look at the bottom one next time it plays okay because see has it written out and if you're looking at sounds like an excellent idea you hear it depends on which one you're looking at. Okay. So look at the bottom one. I had my eyes closed.

I heard fucking idea. No, no. Just look at excellent idea, though. Okay. The bottom one. Okay? Okay. Okay. Here we go.

Move the camera. Yes. Yes. That sounds like an excellent idea. Move the camera. Yes. Yes. That sounds like an excellent idea.

Move the camera. Do you hear it now? Yes. Yes. Yes. That sounds like an excellent idea. Whoa. Even when i'm reading an excellent idea the bottom one i still hear fuck i i hear whatever one i'm reading oh it's amazing okay

yeah not me i i still hear fuck but weird that makes me question like everything that i believe when i see it's nuts because you just got you just you got to watch it because when you go back and forth it is whatever you're reading got to watch it because when you go back and forth it is whatever you're reading i wonder why it didn't work for me now i feel like i'm stupid but no it's like your brain i think it's not the other thing of like when we were talking about memory and how your brain fills in like if you see a picture of yourself that's photoshopped into a hot air balloon you just paint a memory of it happening like your brain tries to make sense of things so if you're reading something that says that's a fucking

excellent idea your brain is just naturally gonna hear that more so than what it is um let's go to the next video noah oh my god i'm cramping you're cramping yeah did you ever run in like No And get a cramp I know I'm not someone who cramps up that much Oh yeah Okay this one is about the French language right Noah Yeah Okay so this is another one that's from Damn That's Interesting And it says the French language has many words

That sound similar And this was fun to me So much Don't you Don't time similar and this was fun to me. As much. Wait, your tempting ant is spending your time so much. You have so many horse flies in your tent. Attent, attent, attent, attent, attent, attent. T'en a autant de temps dans ta tente. Sounds like the thong song.

Doesn't it? Oh my God, yes. Dude, that is funny. I was hoping they were going to do that. At the end? Yeah, I was really hoping they were going to do that. At the end? Yeah. I was really hoping they were going to do a full set. That is so hilarious.

Buffalo, Buffalo, Buffalo, Buffalo, Buffalo, Buffalo, Buffalo. Yes. You know, that makes a sentence. When we saw what's his name on the wall and we thought he was from there. Tolkien or something. I don't remember. I love that. Tarrega called Grand Val written in 1902. And it's like this old man playing a fucking, and it's just so funny to hear

ringtone in this. Yeah, it does. Isn't that funny i love shit like that no i do too i just can't remember to know fuck right no i've had a lot of nokia phones i just can't i don't i can't place the the sound you just heard it. Yeah. Hold on. How do you know?

Oh, yeah. Yeah? I'm saying, I know I'm hearing it right now. Right. I'm saying I can't place it from 15, 20 years ago. You can't know what that phone sounded like. Yes. That's in all the movies whenever someone's trying to hide from someone

and then the phone goes off and like gives away their location. It's always that ringtone. I thought it's that guy playing. Yeah. Oh, I just loved that. I just, I like when things that you're like,

Oh, that's where it came from. Like, how could that come from that? Did you ever have a, Hey, what's up? It's fucking.

Oh, no, those little like. Yeah. What were those? I love those. Those were so cool. Okay, there is. Okay, one of them. A house in New Orleans.

Don't do that. But you did say it. There is. Let me see what is one fear you have that most people would that would be considered stupid by most people this is an ask reddit okay someone said toilet snakes thanks steven king oh yeah um mine is two lane highways and centipedes and fat men on diving boards as we all know um someone said swimming in a lake or in the ocean without being able to see the ground hell yes i was bit slash cut by something once and since then it's a fear i just can't control i was i

would still go and do it though because i hate it when people tell me what to do even when that's myself it sucks being scared of something and knowing that you have to like lie about why you're scared we talked about this other day i mean i was afraid of knives forever after getting stabbed just not like any knife anywhere any knife but you got stabbed so rightfully so yeah so it wasn't like butter knives and stuff though or like even like would you use a knife when you would cut things yeah i could but if anyone had one around me, I really did. I guess I had.

I bet you had definitely PTSD. Yeah. Someone said, I'm scared that when I'm driving anywhere late at night and the roads are clear, I'll be struck by one of those land speed record vehicles. Oh, that's such an interesting, specific fear. But now I'm kind of scared because it would be out of nowhere. It's such a funny thing, though. Like it's like set up.

Oh my God, this is so weird. But think about this. They're trying to break the sound barrier and you're just driving your Civic around the desert. Well, someone says, they closed it out, which is so weird because we were just talking about this.

I'd be afraid it would come out of nowhere and I wouldn't see it coming. That is my biggest fear. I just don't want things to come out of nowhere. Did you know this or did it come around? You know what I mean? Yes. Someone said, cotton balls.

We're not alone. Final thought. Someone said, I can't sleep with my desk chair facing my bed. I have to get up, turn on a light, face it away from me, and then I can't go back to bed. I get irrationally afraid that I'm going to turn over or blink and look at it, and someone is going to turn over or blink and look at it and someone is going to be sitting in it watching me sleep no idea where this fear came

from i think a chair on its own can look like it someone like oh yeah i saw a lamp the other day that looked like a part like yeah that fear that runs through you even for a split second in the same amount of time it takes for your toe to get stubbed and for you to feel the pain that amount of time that you think you're gonna die and then you realize what it is that the body remembers pain that little moment has a little

notch in your brain that affects you I saw that ghost that one time I threw a pillow at it oh right get out of here yeah get out of here like you'd make that voice I'm not even gonna say it but i follow ghosts on subreddits and if you go to their like you can sort the posts by like most popular or most controversial or top posts one time i went to like the best posts on ghosts because they're always posting like this they're posting like there's this um you know you know, my, my ring camera caught these

orbs and it's all dumb, but there were some on those top posts. It's like, and I remember looking at one going, what's the big deal in here? And I went to the comments and they were like, oh my God, when you see it. And I used to follow a subreddit called when you see it and it would be scary things that you can't see until some part of the, you are suddenly see this guy looking at you in a window or something. I can't fucking take that no so i want to in the i want to someday when we're all hanging out give you those ghost things to see because i'm too scared to look at them the one thing that's nice

about living in an apartment like there's never gonna be someone just two eyes outside your window and if there is on the 10th floor they're floating yeah that's pretty well that's what the thing about ghosts is they defy physics. But a ghost is never, again, we've talked about this. They aren't hurting you. Ghosts, they fucking might throw a plate. I know, but that's still scary to some people. Oh, no, I'd be scared shitless.

And some people have said that they've been hurt by ghosts. Really? No, what's an irrational fear that you have often? Birds? Yeah, I guess birds, like even more irrational than that is just that like while i'm driving my car is just gonna blow up that's so weird because i was about to share one thing on reddit that said one of the hollywood things that people have convinced him of is that cars are like combustible just from like all they need to do is be like hit by

another car and they'll explode yeah yeah that's how often do you think of that um just like sometimes if i'm if i just kind of like get lost in thoughts while i'm driving right and that that the what about the hood coming up why does no one get scared of that because you would be blinded it would suck so much that's so true we should all be scared of that more often well it's wild that like you could look at your car and there could be 19 engines on. Laura, I'm sorry. 19 engine lights on. Right.

And you'll just keep rolling down the highway. Oh, yeah. But if that was on a plane, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Like anywhere else, you're just like. That's why. You could have like tire pressure. Fucking, you know, everything.

You're just like, oh, no, it's fine. Well, that's why someone the other day in an ELI explained like i'm five said why are planes so old why are we on planes that were around in the 70s that have like you know ashtrays and it's because they're so well maintained that if we treated cars like that and check them every day before they went out and they were completely scanned and every part was replaced with a better part that they would be around. Like the shell is solid. Yeah. Those planes are fucking solid

but it's because we take such good care of them. I'd rather be on an old plane than a new, like old-ish plane. Someone said, this one made me laugh, of irrational fears.

In all caps, dead fish, ugly motherfuckers, unblinking eyes, always staring. What about bird ears? Oh yeah yeah andrew bird ears are so gross they're just no one knows i don't like it no one knows about these things birds can certainly hear that why they chirping who they chirping to i'm just saying people don't know that i would say

write in to us if you knew birds had ears then type in bird ears and i want to hear about people's irrational fears no yeah they're disgusting any kind of if my sister and get ready to... I want to hear about people's irrational fears. No. Yeah. They're disgusting. Any kind of... My sister and I used to get disgusted. It's called tryptophobia.

Trypophobia. And then we eat too much turkey? That's tryptophan. Yeah. It's when there are two little... There are holes

in little like things too close together. Like holes close together. Trypophobia. T-R-Y-P-F-O-B-I-A. My mom has it too. Like certain corals, there's little holes that are too close together and Trypophobia. T-R-Y-P-F-O-B-I-A. My mom has it too. Like certain corals, there's little holes

that are too close together and it makes you sick. Like if you saw Swiss cheese and there were two holes. No, no, no. Swiss cheese is okay because they're scattered. It's when they're all together.

That's what I'm saying though but if they were together. It's kind of reminiscent of like rotting tissue. Yeah. Okay. It's got to be a cluster of holes. Like let me type it in.

Yeah, I want to see an example of this. Oh, if you go to it on... My mom literally will vomit. How did this come up? Because your mom was afraid and then she showed you? I've been grossed out by it. My sister and I used to get grossed out. My bird, Kiwi, when he would molt,

these little tubes of fresh feathers would start poking out of his hair. And it would be so gross. Let's see. This is trypophobia. Okay, I get that. Holes like that. What do you got, Noah? Let's see. This is trypophobia. Okay. I get that. Holes like that.

What do you got, Noah? Let's see what you got. Because that didn't really. Okay. That's terrible. Okay. That's. That one right there is the worst.

Are these real things though? It's just reminiscent of rotting flesh. And so you're. No, but is this real photos? No, those are definitely oh okay but there are pictures one looks kind of like a kumquat or whatever

yeah there's definitely kumquats on there but there's like strawberries sometimes just zoomed in pictures of strawberries or even pores with like little white heads

no whatever that was was horrendous it's horrible yeah I get that but that's a real fear that people have I mean lizards obviously everyone knows

not a fan yeah you're definitely scared of lizards centipedes any kind of wiggly thing that doesn't any kind of insect that doesn't have a plan i don't like don't fucking throw a tarantula on my shoulder and laugh about it fuck you i don't like that either because you often swat it away and then injure it i don't want to talk about it but the other day i killed i was i participated in the death of a bee yeah i honestly was really really upset about my part to play in that because i never kill bees bees do not sting you if they if you don't swat at them they just like people always freak out about bees

i really it bothers me a lot and i swatted this bee away because one of our cast members on perfect strangers 2 was scared you've been stung by a bee? Yes. Okay. It hurts, but also they're not gonna sting you if you're not threatening them. I'm just saying.

A bee is not gonna land on you and sting you. That's just not gonna happen unless you're like going, ah, ah, ah. But they sting people all the time. Because people freak out. Yeah.

If you just stay normal, they're not, they're just looking for pollen. They're not looking to sting you. That means they die if they sting you. Okay, so you saw, saw oh yeah someone swatted a bean and you stepped on and i know to get out of this i did not step on it oh i thought you did i on perfect strangers too had a wand that i was using as a microphone a long like kind of price is right microphone

and this girl was getting scared of one of the bees so i swatted the bee away just to like hit it and to knock it away from us and i hit it perfectly but it went right into the ground in front of another cast member who then stomped it to death and i was so so sad because it wasn't just like a bee it was like a bumble it was like it had some weight to it it was like the weight of a fucking hummingbird and then i it was definitely killed but it was still it was like on its way out but it was suffering and so i stomped it to death to actually finish it off so that it wouldn't suffer and then you know and then i took it and buried it and i said i'm sorry unlike the movies bees don't die when you're on one stomp a lot of people think it's one stomp yeah oh no no you gotta you gotta step on it six or

seven times i yeah i um i hate when you know insects are still twitching i always crush them even though i don't like the feeling of it underneath my foot sometimes i would kill an ant that obviously can't hurt me yeah and instantly feel regret and be like that all the time and then instantly think we're ants to the universe i I know. There's like these little bugs that crawl around all over on that counter. All over. Like microscopic. But they're little bugs. And sometimes I clean the counter and I have to kill them just by smoothing over the counter.

And I feel so bad because they're just trying to live. I said to the bee as I was burying it. I said, bee, you were just being a bee. You didn't. And that shark the other day was just being a fucking asshole and we should go find it and kill it. Seriously. They're trying to kill it.

I know. And I bet you anything Simon would not want that. Simon said not to kill it. All right. That was just a Simon Says joke? Yeah. All right.

Were you good at Simon Says? No, I hate it. Simon Says, touch your nose. Simon Says, touch your eye. Simon Says, touch your eye. Touch your eye. Oh, wait. Wait. I'm out.

I was already doing it. Taunt. Touch your taunt. Taunt. Taunt. Taunt. Taunt. Taunt.

Taunt. Taunt. Taunt. Taunt. Touch your horse thigh. Touch your taunt. Okay, guys. We got to go.

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast. We'll be back tomorrow. It'll be Wednesday. I cannot wait. You guys are great. Have all the swells. Don't be cuh. And jazz.

Jazz. Symbolic. wait. You guys are great. Have all the swells. Don't be cuh and Jack Puck. John Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports

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