The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #181 A Cute Pain

Episode Date: February 24, 2022

Whatever is the opposite of a coma, Nikki experienced that overnight. Andrew wants to know more about her bedtime habits. She learned something about monks who never feel cold which leads to a conversation about adaptations that comedians use. Nikki and Andrew brainstorm on a joke about his sex crazed grandma. You Heard It Here First, a party bus with no party is not a party bus, killer noodles and Nikki almost felt what Andrew does when he thinks he's sick. They play Answer The Internet by Barstool Sports but seriously this time and give their real takes on a lip tattoo, something they don't want to run out of and Gisele Bundchen. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You've got to check them out.

Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions,

including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to Minnie Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world

of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s,

tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join in the conversation.

Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry.

I really wanted to be a player boy in my dog. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. It's Nikki Glaser.

Hi, guys. It is, what? What are we looking at? Wednesday? Feels like a Wednesday. It's Wednesday somewhere, Nikki. It definitely is here today. It's Wednesday. And we're actually recording this on a Wednesday. It sounds like we're kind of acting like we're not, but it's Wednesday. It's a Wednesday morning. It's an early morning on a Wednesday. It's an early morning, you guys. It's 8 o'clock. It feels so early. I know. So much earlier. I mean We were up late last night. We were and do you know how late I was up?

I could guess. Take a guess. I mean I don't think you fell asleep till 3.45 a.m. Try 7 o'clock. No. I know. I know. Wait what? I got a half hour of sleep Nikki

Dude Noah I slept two nights ago I slept for 17 hours Last night I slept for 16 hours So like I just You were due for a half an hour I was due for a halfie What's the opposite of a coma? A wakey?

I'm trying to think of what's coma backwards. An amok? Amok. Yeah, you amok last night. I amoked hard. I mean, how was that 30? It would have been a great 30, though. It was a pretty good 30.

You know, whenever I struggle with that last little sliver of sleep that you get, and you go, oh, fuck, I always just go, this is a nap. Treat it as a nap. If I'm getting a half hour nap, I'm this is a nap. Treat it as a nap. If I'm getting a half hour nap, I'm happy about that nap. So I'm feeling good, feeling right, feeling tight. I got a short enough day today in terms of my sketchy.

It's when you get a half hour sleep and you're looking at like a nine hour work day. That's when I start to feel sad for myself. But I'm gonna be loopy. And, and so what were you doing at, let's say five 45 AM. Great question,

Andrew. I was Reddit five 45. No Reddit. I had given up on Reddit. See, that's like a right when I get in bed. So I wouldn't bet it like maybe let's say 1230. I go on Reddit until like one 30.

And then I'm just like, my eyes can't fucking take it anymore then I read oh and then I read like then I was on Instagram going around then I read a new New Yorker article that takes like 14 years of your life it was about

what we were talking about the other day it was about how these monks they found can sleep for a half hour and still fucking kill it and do a podcast too yeah fucking those monks yeah these fucking three monks are no these monks do this practice there's three monks that live like you know up in the fucking mountains when it is freezing cold and they only wear like a thin piece of wool and they stay,

they don't freeze to death and they sit all day and meditate and they studied them and they, they do this type of meditation that keeps them warm. And we were talking the other day when we went swimming with the whales about, I reminded everyone about this thing that ben glebe who i've talked about before on the show he he was also the one that recommended that insane lorenzo guy to me but he also said that if you focus on the fact that there's 98.6 degree blood pulsing through your veins at all times it can like warm you when you're feeling really cold just focus on

the blood and i was like oh so wait first of forwarded that. I saw the article on Instagram, on the New Yorker Instagram. I forwarded it to Ben because he's a night owl too. He's always texting me at like 4 in the morning. Like, how are you, friend? Like, I always wake up to text at like 4 a.m. from him. Or, you know, in the morning. I keep my phone on silent. So I went and read it.

And there's a type of meditation that all these scientists were scoffing at and thinking like and thinking like oh yeah you can do this mindfulness of like picturing your core being like like bend stuff and it does make you think that you're hotter but your your temperature doesn't rise it's just the way your mind actually thinks about it but then they hooked all these devices up to these monks and they studied their core temperature, which is kind of impossible, or they thought was impossible to do yourself. And they were able to heat themselves up in their core temperature. One of these monks was able to give themselves a fever in normal temperature,

like 100 and something degree fever. Sure you have COVID? That's a good point. Good thing COVID. They do talk about how when you get menopause or when you're fighting off a fever like your body does have a way of finding a way to heat up itself but we haven't tapped into that as human beings to be able to control it much like we can't control the disease i never even

thought about does heat help is that a reason why we get hot yeah oh i thought it's the i thought it was the other way around i thought the disease made made us hot. I always thought that too. And I think it's our immune system heating up the disease. Oh, like a boil. Like you boil chicken, our bodies are boiling the disease. Yeah, to get rid of the salmonella in our veins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they found that there was like a type of bumblebee. That's really cool.

They do this thing if they have like an intruder. They all swarm and the bumblebees will just flutter their wings really really fast and it creates a but they gather together to make heat to then burn this uh intruding insect alive oh from all the heat generated from it buzzing together and then they were talking about this fucking little squirrel they were talking about all these different animals and how they heat themselves up. A squirrel that hibernates in the Antarctic. And it reaches below freezing levels. And it hibernates and it gets below freezing.

And its body temperature gets below freezing. And it's like, how does that work? Because it's the only warm-blooded animal that can actually stay in froze like can freeze essentially and still have its blood moving like if your blood stops moving but they studied it and it is created this way to have its blood flow like almost like you know how like a stream sometimes when it's frozen over it's trickling beneath the ice sheet so it's like it creates little paths and it was the most fucked up part of this article was that they tested these squirrels scientific so many scientific tests on these little arctic squirrels where they would take them when they were in hibernation which weren't you talking about

bears in hibernation yeah that they don't actually go into the cave what they don't like just sit in the cave the whole time yeah they're not're not just eating snacks and chilling and watching Netflix. I thought they slept for six months. I think a lot of people think that. Well, they go into a thing called topor. Topor. T-O-P-O-R. Yeah, where it's a state of just laziness.

It's deeper than sleep, actually. But they can't rouse in the same way that sleep would be able to rouse because when animals are put in topor you so they took these little squirrels that were put in topor and i swear to god these scientists said they would take them out it was very scientific they would take them out of topor and they take they burrow in and get and grab them and these little mice squirrel mice that would be like balled up they would take them and they would throw them in the air these scientists were throwing these squirrels in the air and they never made a like a comment like of how this seems like rather unscientific and they said some of these squirrels

would not go out of topor when they threw them a hundred times in the air and i just picture these scientists like chugging and chugging like these tiny little squirrels that are just like trying to sleep and the squirrels don't, don't wake up at all. So hibernation is like a different kind of thing, but they're alive. It's the same way whales breathe when they sleep at night. Cause you go,

how's a whale fucking going up and, and breathe up though. How long bears actually topher for? Because I remember reading it and I was very surprised. Everyone has an idea. We were all taught. I'm guessing it's like the winter months, you know? No, that's not it though.

Like four months or something. They don't just like, you think they just sleep for four months straight like you did the other day? Yeah. Yes, I do. Yeah, you're like a bear. You're either hibernating

or you're fighting for your life. Wait, bears, I think they go in topor. No, can you Google that? Yeah, which is gonna be the next wordle tomorrow. So it's torpor, T-O-R-P-O-R. There we bears, I think they go in topor. No, can you Google that? Which is going to be the next wordle tomorrow. So it's torpor, T-O-R-P-O-R. There we go. I was close. That was close enough.

Thank you, torpor. And it said it can last a few weeks in warmer parts of North America to six months for bears in Alaska. Okay, but what are they doing? Are they just out? Yeah, describe to us what torpor is. Are they just out cold? We're all going what torpor is. Are they just out cold? We're all going to learn something today.

I could have swore. It's actually deeper than sleep, yo. It is. No, I get that, but I know I read something where we all think bears just go into a cave for months. No, I think you were talking about the Mandela effect, and it's bear and cave bears. Bear and cave bear.

Bear and cave bears baron cave bear baron cave bear um so that got you to probably 4 30 oh you don't want to know something interesting and then i started reading another new york article that disturbed the fuck out of me but i was thinking about this real quick that the uh the them getting warmer there's yeah's people, there's like a whole village that is fish, like a fishing village. And they don't have snorkel equipment. They don't have scuba equipment. Oh, and they just deep dive. They deep dive.

And they actually, through evolution, has like made their like spleen bigger or whatever. I thought you were going to say they got gills. Yeah, they have Vince Gill. He's a great country artist. He's been recording down there? They slow him down. He relaxes.

You asked me the other day if you had gills. Yeah, because I ate bad fish. And then you go, don't go there. Don't go there. Because I thought you were going to go spiral of like, because you started going like. That was the fish. Yeah, bad fish. Well, my dad's allergic to one fish, and I think he put it in our mind.

Like, don't touch this one fish. It reminds me of Arrested Development, like, this one fish will get you. And I think it's a swordfish, which is the scariest fish. Because not only can it kill you with its mouth, it can fucking do you. I know that you don't eat swordfish. Of all the fish on the menu, you don't eat it because it's the most endangered, and's fishing practices are the most detrimental to i just always know that's the one to avoid and also orange roughy but orange roughy i do believe poses as other like we will say it's orange roughy when it's really just another fucking why does that sound like this the the tuxedo

avoid christmas war and orange roughy sounds like uh? Because it had ruffles and it was orange. Sounds like a sex act a Russian prostitute would offer after she was with Trump. You want the orange ruffie? And he's wearing the orange tux. Oh, so these

guys, though, they can swim because they have a larger split. They could dive for 15, like something unheard of. We don't tap. We don't toper. Well, we we adapt. You think it takes thousands of years to kind of evolve, but we start doing things within a few generations in some places. And I think that even like our attention spans and stuff like that is changing now with phones and technology.

I think that I could be wrong about this, but I think that I always thought that it took thousands of years for humans to evolve any type of new feature that would help them survive. But I think it doesn't take that long. I think one is adaptation and one is genetic. Ah, ah, nurture. only it doesn't take that long. I think one is adaptation and one is genetic. Ah.

Ah. Nurture. So the genetic one takes like millions of years, but adaptation is the one that you're talking about. Does adaptation lead to genetic? Yeah, I think because of like... The survival. Yes.

Survival of the fittest. Yeah. Galapagos. Darwin. Galapagos, Darwin. Yeah, we get it. We're so smart. This is turning into a science podcast. Fuck murder.

Dude, does anyone know about the Galapagos? Because your boy did a deep dive last night. Did you really? Yeah. Really? What did you get into? Fucking, it's like, there's lizards there. Oh God, Andrew was posing as a scientist the other day on the boat

telling us about the topography of... I can throw a fucking rat in the air. It was really funny. Was it really different than what I was saying? It was one of my favorite bits ever. I was just asking him about the genealogy of different, you know... The island. Yeah, vegetative species.

Ask me anything. Ask me anything. Ask me anything on science. I mean, I would really love to hear what is threatening the coral reefs right now. Like, what's going on with coral reefs? Well, a lot of people think it's climate change because the water is warming up, which actually then affects everything down there. Yeah. But it's not that.

Really? Yeah. What's happening is the reefs, they all had a meeting. It's like NATO, but for reefs. Wait, who's going to these meetings? All the big ones. But who's representing the reefs? The reefs are like...

The reefs are representing the reefs. They can't show up to a place... That's what you think. Oh, so this is all... You are blowing my mind right now. Yeah, it's wild. So originally I thought it was the warm water, and you blew my mind with that. But now you're telling me there's a NATO of reefs,

and reefs actually are things that can join together and show up and meet. Okay. Well, they meet, but they don't meet in person. Do you know the internet? Yeah, I've heard of it. Okay, so it's similar to that. Okay. So one, the Great Barrier Reef. Right. know the internet yeah okay so it's similar to that okay so one the uh great barrier reef right they have the most uh scientist fish and coral that they actually developed this thing that

reaches out to the other they send out a signal the other reefs go they send back it's kind of like um so what's going on what's wrong then oh so they're all like, fuck this. I'm sick of this fucking earth. Wait, so the reefs are revolting. The reefs are revolting by killing themselves. We're not fucking with the reefs. The reefs are fucking themselves. Yes. That's not what a lot of people don't know.

I just figured out your bit. What's that? I give you a subject and you go, a lot of people think this thing and you describe the way it is, which is an easier thing to describe than the thing you're going to make up. But you use the time where you're describing the

thing and we think we know to think about the other thing you're about to disprove. Is that at all true? Some would think that. A lot of people have, you know. It's like the Edge character. And why I love the Edge character is that it actually is exactly what edgy comedians do, which is stall.

Some stall on purpose. Stall on purpose by going, no, you can't take it. All of that bullshit of that like, no, man, I can't by going nah you can't take it all of that bullshit of that like no man I can't no you can't I can't say it I'm gonna get in trouble

all of that is to give them time to think of what the fuck they're gonna say my best part is even the after pause where they go

oh you can't handle that that's always the best and then it gets quiet it gets quiet because the joke doesn't hit yeah comedians do that all the time the people i said you know how many times i'm in the back of the room and i see a comedian that i will know and like and they will do the thing of like oh you

guys do you guys understand that what the joke was right oh you don't get that joke and i just go no we get it it's just not funny i've said it so many times because i mean i don't know if if this is if i've done it before i've maybe done it it's a crutch that you use to protect yourself to make the audience dumb it's not that you weren't funny it's that the audience didn't get it it's adaptation my least favorite thing it's absolutely It's not genetic. Ham drip. Come on now. Ham drop. Who's here? I am. Hello. NATO. Reefs. Seven.

Thirty minutes. Are you awake? Who's here? There are some things that comics do that I just want to call out. The looking up of my brain. All my thoughts are in my brain. And I'm going to go get them for you. Yeah.

Pretending like they're coming up with it in the moment. You know, there are some theatrical things that go into my performance. Like even watching myself in the edit. There are some times where I go, um. Like there's a joke. But I know that you know that this is an act out i'm not trying to make you think that i'm thinking of it right now i know that my delivery is part of the the agreement we have as an audience and a performer that you're not

dumb and thinking i'm coming up with this on my own but there are some comedians that really do try to, first of all, they laugh so hard at all of their jokes, which I get it. Sometimes my own jokes that I've heard before will make me laugh. Sometimes I it's, it's, it's,

it's something that happens, but it doesn't happen every time. And if it does for a comic, you're diabolical. You're diabolical. There's another thing that I was thinking of before you went on that reframp, but there's another thing that comedians do that really bothers me.

What the fuck is it? Just the acknowledging, telling the crowd that they don't get something because they said something that didn't work. Or, oh, when comedians go. So I was on Tinder. Do you guys know what Tinder is? Well, for those of you who don't know, Tinder's an app where you pretty much, and they explain something. That everyone knows.

That everyone knows. But why do they explain it, you think? Because they have a joke within the explanation. Now, here's the thing. Just do the joke. Don't set up this false pretense for why you need to explain. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all... I also love the... Just tell it. Don't waste our time by going... For those of you who don't know, and I hate the joke. Give me a punchline. Just tell me a punchline.

She sucked my dick. And she sucked my dick. I'll say that again. She sucked my dick. It's like we heard it the first time. You have a microphone. A lot of comics do that too, and it is all fluff. It's all filler.

And then like the profound thing when they're like... We got to go to break. They say something like, and then like the profound thing when they thought when they like we gotta go to break they say something like and then the cheese was in all of us well that is just another thing altogether of like hitting like

patting yourself on the back for some profundity that you bestowed upon us peasants. And then it made me realize people, they're fragile.

Well, the way you just paused just then, it made me feel like you were telling me a secret that was just for me. You know? It was. And you know, the way I feel about it is, maybe we all should just go to break. We'll be right back with the news. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show

Ears Edition podcast from his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors. It's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Good people, what's up? It's Questo, Questlove. And Team Supreme and I have been working hard to bring you some incredible episodes of Questlove Supreme with guests you definitely don't want to miss. Now, one of the things I love about this Questlove Supreme podcast is we got something for everybody, every type of musical ever. We enjoy speaking to the people who are the face of some movements, some people you've seen on stage or TV or magazine covers,

but we also love speaking to the folks who are making it happen behind the scenes and we pave the way for those that followed. You know, keystones to the culture. This season, we've had some amazing one-on-one conversations. Like I'm a bill chatting up with hit maker, Sam Holland, sugar,

Steve chatting with the legend, Nick Lowe. And I've had pleasures of doing one-on-one conversations with Willow, Sonata, Matreya, Kathleen, Hannah, and the RZA.

These are conversations you won't hear anywhere else. So make sure you go back and you check those episodes out. All right. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people, the same set of questions,

even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we've had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions,

including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers.

We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model my dog. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour.

He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding.

I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community.

And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to crumbs as part of the Michael Lura podcast network available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Speaking of jokes.

Yeah. Um, you walked in today to start the pod thank you for getting me a coffee by the way don't tell the people that i did that it was really nice of you i know i don't want people to know you drive over to my hotel in the morning to do the podcast and i and you get me a coffee before you go and it's just nice and i appreciate it i'm fucking around well you i was showing was showing you a TikTok and then I looked at your phone and I could see you were in the middle of writing out a bit. And I know when you're writing a bit because it's on your notes. Yeah. And I know I'm going to see it on Instagram pretty soon. Maybe. Unless I know I'm going to do it.

Literally, you've never once not put it on Instagram. I swear to God, I haven't. Really? Yeah, I have. If I really feel like it's definitely going to make the act and I already know that I think it's funny, I won't. Really? Yeah, I have. If I really feel like it's definitely going to make the act, and I already know that I think it's funny, I won't test it. Sometimes I just go to Instagram to test it, and then I take it down in a couple weeks.

I know, but you don't get to go on stage for so long. I know. How are you going to sit on that? It'll be tough. Yeah, I know you too well. I'm not posting this one. Really? Yeah, I'm not going to.

Well, can you tell us about it? Sure. Okay, well, let's just keep it for the podcast listeners and then like it yeah at home yeah just like it and just double tap the screen right now or no i have an idea my grandma so we all know my grandma died she was 100 grandma shirley i think a quick joke there could be something like my grandma she she died she was 100 i know it's wild she was around when blockbuster was here or something like yeah not that long ago yeah you know could be funny like she was around when the cronut first came out yeah that's good and then um it might i mean maybe this is a bad do you mind

if i just mention things like as if we brainstorm as we go no is it it would be I would if I would do that joke which I love I would think I would go my grandma

is a hundred she was around when the first automobile like what like a real one yes then yes then start listing I

didn't even write that down it might not even be that might not even be the right way to do it you might be right to just go right into

it you know what I should do is say she was around when cars are around do you guys know cars do you guys know I didn't even write that down. But it might not even be, that might not even be the right way to do it. You might be right to just go right into it. You know what I should do is say, she was around when cars were around. Do you guys know cars? Do you guys know what cars are? Like cars have wheels? No, no. Oh, oh, like you're doing,

I was like, who's this guy? I don't like this at all. I go, cars, man. Fucking, they're just us with wheels. Engines are like our hearts and fucking the computer inines are like our hearts. And fucking the computer in there is like our brains. And our fucking feet.

They're like the. Flintstones. I was trying to think of the goddamn thing that I said before. Cadillac converter? Yes, the catalytic converter. And the catalytic converter, it's just like our souls man damn dude you just fucking believe my fucking dick off um so so um so yeah that could be no that could be funny like i agree with that i think she was around when fucking world war ii and the invention

the cronut something like that i love block Blockbuster? Yeah, it's really funny. She was around when the first Blockbuster came. No, just like she was around when Blockbuster was around. Yeah. I think just because first Blockbuster kind of- I think say 100 actually like really lean into it. Because 100 is insanely old. I mean, what does that place her at when she was born in the 1920s? Which is like a common time.

I remember grandmas always are born in 1920s, like my grandmas were, but my grandmas died. Oh, yeah. So long ago, they didn't reach it. Yeah, what a loser. Okay, keep going with your joke. Someone say my grandma lived 30 years too long, but she was fucking.

For how much of it? Until 7 p.m. or 7 7 a.m like the whole night she she fucked i think until she stopped breathing well there's a lot of things about my grandma she would fuck a guy to death pretty much uh and then just and then she would start dating a guy that looks exactly like the guy. Or make him look exactly like the guy that she was fucking before. Smart woman. Make him grow a white mustache.

I think she had one guy die. It was... Or maybe he became white from eating that old ass. I don't know. Oh, my God. I'm really worried. I'm worried about your grandmother staying wet. Like, did your grandmother use lube, you think?

Oh, man, I think. Because how are you getting wet at that age? I mean, it just seems impossible to me. That's a good point. But it also makes me sad to think of a grandma being like, can I get some of that lube? Like, we did the pharmacist for lube, and they're like, oh, it's over there.

I like that she's like, can I get the lube? The guy's like, for your pussy? No, my wrists. Oh, my arthritis. Oh, my arthritis. Oh, no, my pussy's still good. Lube always has hard packaging, and she would have to unscrew it and squirt it in her hand. It just makes me sad.

An old lady taking out fucking scissors out of that plastic thing. My friend Lizzie used to have a bit about, I think I did a Lizzie Cooperman joke the other day, too, about she gets really sad when she sees things on menus that old people have to read. She gets nervous for them. If she sees, she just doesn't ever want to witness an elderly person being like,

I'll have the jalapeno poppers. She doesn't want them to waste their life saying something dumb. Oh, I see. I thought they were worried that it would kill her no she just doesn't like the dumb names that like that you know like i would feel embarrassed for my grandmother to like be like um can i have one ticket to spy kids three 3d we expect more like they have to say the whole name and you're just like, oh, it's so embarrassing. They have to even read this thing.

They should be spending their time doing other things than having to do our stupid modern lingo or whatever. Yeah, yeah. It's like me saying fucking fire. Fire, dude. Fire. Fire. Yeah, there was a guy on Perfect Strangers 3 who said. Three now? Or or two god damn it

this is what happens when you know that girl's fire yeah he said he said some girl was fire and i thought he said fine like i'm fucking old you're an old jalapeno brain over there oh okay she's fine he was like fire and i was like oh. She's fine. He was like, fire. And I was like, oh, God, I'm fucking old. Everyone was like, fire. Liddy was big for a while. Yeah, Liddy. There's some words now that, yeah, they just don't, you know, they don't hit. It's okay.

I'm sure there's going to be some things on the menu one day. It's like the M&M's skillet. I don't know. I can't think of it. Yeah, but like even sometimes i go to a comedy club and they're like we might name a drink after you like the glazer surprise or like glazed or or something like uh it's just come on the rocks and i just would be so embarrassed that someone would have to the drink they want they would have to say i'll have have the Nikki Glazeder barely know her.

Like they have to say the whole name. It's just like, let them just order the fucking vodka soda. Also, you don't drink. It should just be the one drink not on the, like. Like the one non-alcoholic drink? Not a mocktail either. An O'Doul's?

Not even an O'Doul's. I'm talking just straight seltzer. Like should we just say Diet Coke? Yeah, straight seltz. Straight from the gun. Nikki Seltz. No, it would be like two lemons with seltz yeah and like maybe a squirt of like some crayon if you have the most simple drink ever

all these sandwiches named after people they throw in things that shouldn't even be in the sandwich just to make it original i think i could make a pretty good thing for a menu like a drink or a sandwich what's your sandwich you definitely have taken so many of my food proclivities and said that they work. Your drink. My dream sandwich. Actually, your food. Yeah, your food.

Yeah, what's... Okay, if you do a sandwich, what's on your sandwich? Let me... And I'm thinking about the people because for me, I'm not really into sandwiches. Yeah, for you, it's a fucking piece of lettuce. Shut up. Fucking some dog shit.

Okay, I'll make a fucking sandwich. That's an impossible burger okay you ate one yesterday you were i did not like it you didn't know because it was too meaty i didn't like that hair on there i couldn't i don't i want to know that my meat is not meat i don't like it you made me taste test it you didn't know because it was man i could i couldn't go back to it because i was like i don't like it. You made me taste test it. You didn't know. Because it was, and I couldn't go back to it because I was like, I don't believe it. It's just, it's impossible

that this would be, this is, You thought it was a possible burger. It made me feel like animals had to have been harmed. I said, someone at least kicked a dog when they put together

this veggie patty. An animal was hurt in making this. It tastes too good to not be that way. Jen said the animals made them. Yeah, Jen was like,

yeah. And I was like, yeah. And I was like, well, they got a job, don't they? But they're child animals. Oh, yeah, child. Yeah, they're little baby calves. So, okay,

I guess my sandwich would be, I mean, can I just do my fucking Quiznos order that I used to do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But give it a little bit of, I think, originality. Well, I'll give you some spice. Yeah, yeah. Okay, fucking Quiznos order that I used to do? Yeah, but give it a little bit of originality. Well, I'll give you some spice. Yeah.

Okay, so Quiznos, right? You go there. Yeah, but don't tell people. White bread. Okay. Or wheat, but go with white. And you're going to get it toasted, of course, because it's Quiznos. No, you're not going to Quiznos.

What do you mean? Oh, you mean your sandwich. This is my Quiznos sandwich. Oh, it's on the floor. Oh, okay. My bad. I'm sorry. It's the Glazer Barely Known.

I thought you were at like a deli or something. No. Okay, white bread. Let's do, I'm going to put on some Swiss cheese. I like a Swiss. I know that's not. You don't like holes and things. No, I don't like holes together, closely together.

Okay, all right. Trypophobia, trypophobia. Okay. Swiss cheese. Then we're going to put some turkey that has like the brown on the outside so that you can see that it's been carved. Okay. Right?

Then we are going- The pepper, you mean? Yeah. Peppery turkey. Swiss. Peppery. We're going to fucking load enough lettuce on there that looks like a goddamn salad on top.

So much lettuce. A lot of crunch. The salad sandwich. This this hasn't been done i've seen bread on top of a salad you're telling me there's gonna be a salad inside like a full salad i used to tell the guy i used to go to quiznos and i'd say i know the sound put more lettuce on the salad on the sandwich than you think anyone would ever want and they used to laugh at me i'd say put your hand in hand in the tub, open it like a claw, like a claw game, like where you're getting toys. I'd say, now put your hand all the way in, now close it. And then he would have a huge lump and I'd be like, now do that three times.

And I was like, I know you're gonna have to get more salad out, I'm really sorry, or lettuce. Oh yeah, so everyone knows I like shredded lettuce. Yeah, you're shredded. There's so much shredded lettuce. Yeah. And then any kind of Italian dressing. And then I want you to sprinkle a significant dusting of oregano. Okay.

And then I think that's it. I mean, and also some pepperoncinis. Okay. Banana peppers, if you will. Some purple onions. My only concern. My only concern. What is your concern?

Is that this sandwich was already on, from what I remember, was on the menu except for the extra sal. I'm putting on so much oregano that it's criminal. You forgot. You didn't get me to. That is true. I'm putting on so much oregano that the whole thing, like they, you know, when they sprinkle it on,

I say it's Christmas Eve and you want the ground to be, like sing Jingle Bells as you sprinkle the oregano. Okay. I want it extra like spicy like that. And then my mouth is watering so much even thinking about it. Oh, the bread at Quizno is insane. And I want you to take the olives and I want you to throw them out in the alley, because

I don't even want my sandwich made around the smell or concept of an olive. But you like olive oil. Sure, because it doesn't taste like olives. I know. Isn't that weird? It's very weird. Is it really weird? And I want my olive oil fucked hard.

I don't want it extra virgin. I want it to be slutty as fuck. What was her name? Slutty as fuck. What was her name? Why is there slutty olive oil? What was her name? The fuck Popeye? Olive oil. Yeah.

She was slutty olive oil. She was fucking very thin. Noah's back. Olive oil. Yeah, I'm worried about her. She definitely wasn't eating any of her. If Popeye fisted her with those forearms. Oh my God.

Stretch that bitch out. Anyways um anyways yeah so my grandma died no we don't have to but i like i came no i got two jokes out of it the blockbuster and the and the wait what's your grandma died before we get to the news okay so my then my grandma the dementia so my grandma had dementia right before she died. And then she had sex with a guy that was married who also had dementia. So it was the perfect crime. They could do it every day. It was like Groundhog Day.

It was like, we could do a joke on Groundhog Day. You had a great life. You were kind of working. This came up in conversation the other day. But you said something like, you cheated. You cheated. And you go, did I? Yeah. Or something like perfect you cheated you cheated and you go did i yeah or something like that yeah yeah like if you get accused of it you just go did i really no what i caught you in that room three minutes ago you did you sure who are you

what's my name i used to say that my i used to have a joke about um my uh about how when i get blackout drunk i forget everything and my my grandma got blackout old or something about dementia being like we feel so bad for like when you get blackout when you're drinking people are like you piece of shit yeah but when your grandma is like i don't remember what happened last night. You're just like, we don't talk to grandma about what happened last night. We act like it's everything. Yeah, because she fucked a frat guy at fucking Gamma Samba. Yeah. Yeah, she has blackout.

There was some kind of joke I had about that. Yeah, I love that joke. The perfect crime. And then the idea of being like, so my grandma died. Everyone says when their grandparent dies right or like someone dies they start seeing them in things like oh i saw my grandpa in the clouds and it made me think oh yeah yeah oh a butterfly landed on my shoulder and my annoying aunt helped me when i was sad i go it's always positive one time i just want to be like oh i saw my grandma's initials in a shit I took yesterday.

I think she was saying, don't flush me. Let's hang out a while. Like something like just like, it's always something like profound. And I'm just like, and it could be shit. It could be something else.

It'd be funny if your grandma's name was like, like if it was shit, like what could the shit be? Like every shit looks like some kind of letter. It could be like, it was just a bunch of if it was shit like what could the shit be like every shit looks like some kind of letter it could be like it was just a bunch of it was dots like it was dotty was her name like her name was log yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah her name was shirley and I was like Shirley this shit is big or you could just say her name was shit yeah or Shidley uh but yeah no I like that yeah like some because a lot of times people see it and things that aren't even like oh this fucking yes and the

weirdest thing is so I fucking I was talking about this bit with Ari last night, actually, just randomly. I was like, remember we used to run bits on each other? Like, that's something that was really fun when you're an open mic-er. You just talked about comedy all the time. Yeah, before you're friends with Nikki Glaser. Yeah, you get coffee thrown at you. Yeah, I haven't written a joke in six years. No, you run jokes by me.

I'm better about it now. So fucking two minutes later, I get an article that's in my feed about a butterfly of a woman saying, I've always wanted to be a yellow butterfly. And the guy is sitting there with a yellow butterfly on his shoulder. And I swear to God, I didn't see that article when I... Right. It's like, was your phone listening to you? Huh?

Do you think it was your phone listening to you, trying to sell you think it was your phone listening to you trying to sell you a butterfly? I guess it was telling me to do the bit and fucking, yeah, that's the side. I ruined this guy, ruined this guy for fucking his mom turning into a yellow butterfly. No,

I love that. I love when people die and you can look for things because it's almost like tarot cards, you know, like I don't believe in psychics and all that stuff, but it just, it allows you to process your feelings even if it isn't real like i used to i used to be very skeptical about it and cynical and just like oh really yeah so every time you see a penny you

think your dad's talking to you because there's a penny on the ground it's just like but you know what what a beautiful thing to be able to look at the world that way and be reminded of someone who's lost and like have and you know it's not your dad talking to you but guess what you fucking get to think about your dad so what's the harm in that it could be a quarter though you know what i mean like that's also the joke the joke is is like like why don't we make it a better like piece of money or like something bigger than a butterfly the dad's name's always like the mom's name's penny or something you know what i'm saying yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It should be.

God, cynical's so funny, though. You know what I mean? Just being. Being cynical? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's what, being a comedian is being cynical. But I just remember when Conan left The Tonight Show, he did this really poignant speech about, like, how everyone's so upset about him getting fucked over by Jay Leno and all this stuff.

And he's like, I don't's like, I'm grateful for this. Please, if I'm... He just made a statement and he said, don't be cynical. No one needs more cynics. It's one of the most boring things you can be. And I've always remembered that and been like, when I find myself being too cynical, and I love Conan so much, he could tell me to fucking do anything. And I you know he's like Sam Harris of comedy for me cynical you're like you're right

Conan fuck yeah he would have said like being cynical is the coolest thing ever I would I would be saying singing a different tune right now but I just I just trust his judgment and he's I think he can be a fairly cynical guy at times and I think that it's in your best interest to try to stay out of that lane even though much like another thing that I love doing that I really wish I could just completely expunge from my being is gossiping, is talking about someone when they're not there in a way that I wouldn't talk about when they're there. Because it's like lying. If you never gossip, you never have to worry about getting caught for saying something about someone or getting you know like you just live an authentic life and i i never thought i'd want to live a life where you don't gossip because gossiping is so fun it's what like connects me to so many people it's what like actually has been gossip is such a currency to be like do you like me i have

this really juicy thing will you like me more if we talk about shit about this thing that we both hate and you can bond with people over that. And it's just like such a sad way to connect with people. But it's something that I have a tendency to rely on when I get insecure about making connections with people. I go, if someone really intimidates me, I'm like, I know that I can connect with this person. Because usually the person that's intimidating to me is someone who's probably very scary and not nice oh so you could gossip with them to get along they're usually not a nice person so i go oh i guess what they will probably want to do talk some fucking shit now let me find a common enemy with that person and we create a bond and it's a it's a it's a trait

that i'm trying to like get out of my system but let's take a break. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else.

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It's Questo. Questlove. And Team Supreme and I have been working hard to bring you some incredible episodes of Questlove Supreme with guests you definitely don't want to miss. Now, one of the things I love about this Questlove Supreme podcast is we got something for everybody. Every type of musical ever we enjoy speaking to the people who were the face of some movements and some people you've seen on stage or tv or magazine covers but we also love speaking to the folks who were making it happen behind the scenes and they paved the way for those that followed you know keystones to the culture this season we've had some amazing one-on-one conversations. Like I'm Pete Bill chatting up with hit maker Sam Holland,

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You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. You heard it here first, folks. Not late, not second, first. You heard it. first, folks. Not late, not second, first. You know the song. Sometimes I'm hearing this news for the third time from us. Oh, about every article today I saw someone else fucking.

I can't wait to comment on it. Did you hear about Ukraine? Honestly, no. I have been kind of like earmuffs on that because it's so upsetting so i hope we're not talking about it today because i'd like to stay in the dark because there's nothing i can do about it and i feel out of control and i'm really really sad for everyone oh no everything's fine oh good okay wow let's resolve news uh it's wednesday folks you know what that means it is wednesday i hope you're having all the swells out there uh because of my speech impediment and my

ability not to put words or sentences together or know what letters are. Noah's going to take it away. Take away your ability to do the news. And my job. Thanks a lot, Noah. That is not why. Take it away, Noah.

She is in the bathtub. That is absolutely not why I'm doing the news. Yeah, right. This is going to be a temporary thing. No, it's not. Feels pretty permanent. All right. First, it's not. Feels pretty permanent. All right. First story.

Oh, it's Sharpie. Okay. A high-speed chase of a stolen San Diego party bus ends in a crash on an LA freeway. I did not hear this. Did you hear this story? I saw the actual scene. Really? Yeah, my buddy was in the fucking...

No, no. It would be funny if he was like, yeah, dude, I was there. So was it one my buddy was in the fucking... No, no. It would be funny if he was like, yeah, dude, I was there. So was it one man driving a party bus? I don't know. I didn't look into it because I felt like this might be a story. Okay, so here's what happened.

A woman who allegedly stole the party bus in San Diego County led authorities on a freeway chase for over an hour. It ended when she slammed into the rear of a sedan then quickly surrendered the owner of the limo company said that a driver was picking up a client and when he got out this woman jumped in and stole the party bus is it a party bus if the party's not there and i'm not being it i know that sounds like a joke but like just it just a regular bus? If it's just empty, it's just a woman in a car at the end of the day.

But it's funny, but it's way funnier to me. Have you ever eaten a party-sized hummus by yourself? Yeah, it's sad. It doesn't feel like, or a family size, and it's just a reminder that you don't have one? My buddy Casey had a joke about that, about how pancakes, cooking them alone, is the saddest food. Because there's not even directions on the back of if you're making pancakes for one.

It's always two to four. I guess I'll just cut it in half. I forget his joke. It was really funny. I like it. But it's way funnier to think of a bachelor party or a bachelorette party. What was she wanting to do? What she wanted to get away from?

Like what was her goal? I feel like this woman just – some people just are cuckoo. And she just saw an opportunity, right place, right time, party bus. She – Yeah, I mean it's possible she's just crazy. She stumbles in, doesn't even really why would they do a high speed chase just let her go and find it later because high speed chases when they follow these people it causes so much mayhem and also like other people getting hurt you know and

when you chase someone it's they start going through stop lights and we have helicopters like over them we know where they're going like what are we doing yeah what are we like there's a lot of those in la and you i whenever there's one i'm in la and i am somewhere where i see it going down live like i'll be in a fucking i don't know bank or something and it's on the tv i look away because you oftentimes you see those people do some really gruesome things there's been a lot of live footage of people either killing themselves or being flung. There was one recently where a guy got flung off,

and his body flew like a fucking rag doll. On a motorcycle. Yes. Did you see that one? Yeah. Yeah. I couldn't watch the end of it because it was so horrific. He ended up joining the police force.

They let him in. No, that guy was dead. Oh, no, he died. Dead on arrival on that fence he fell on. Different ending. Yeah. police force they let him in no that guy was dead oh no yeah yeah that was a different different ending yeah um okay well i like the story i think it's um right place right time okay let's say this you're in the party bus you're drinking you're having some fucking some glazers but actually with liquor in there yeah you see this lady take over how do you get the lady to stop the butt what do you do do you try to do you try to fucking knock her out and take over the bus um she just she's

just going crazy and like being hitting the gas yeah i don't know what you do i mean honestly i would keep partying and let it fucking if it was a woman i gotta say i'd be feel like a little bit more inclined to fucking knock her out try to like physically over take her because as a man, men's strength scares the fuck out of me. And I just don't, I don't understand it. It's different than ours. And a woman,

I just feel like, okay, I'm dealing with someone who has like the same kind of equipment I've got. And I probably try to like blindfold her so that she would would then feel so like she couldn't keep driving fast. Right? Because I feel like if you're driving and someone blindfolds you, you're going to just take your foot off the gas because you're like, oh, I can't see suddenly. You're like, guess who? Do you know it's me from Netflix?

It's like, we're dying here. I'd put on Ja Rules Living It Up and I'd it, and I'd fucking ride in that pole, baby. Roll out. Dude, because there's nothing more embarrassing than punching. Like, if you went to save the day, and you hit a man, and he just goes, thanks, you got me more revved up. Like, that's so embarrassing. I'd rather die almost in the embarrassment.

That's why when women, I mean, I don't mean to get grim, but when you're like, the idea of a man trying to overpower me to do something to me, me trying to bite him or hurt him in any way is terrifying

because you might land one good, like annoying punch. What is Noah doing? Just ignore it. Noah's like in a bathtub. Noah is like getting attacked by a ghost, ma'am. It sounds like she's running an experiment with tossing flying squirrels.

I have no idea what happened to Noah, but she ended up in a bathtub with a ridiculous angle. I don't know what's going on with you. Are you okay? It's her phone, dude. I'm coming in here with my phone because my internet is out so that I can keep you guys on track and monitor the recording. She's Blair Witching hard right now. Just like very close up, weird angle, like breathing and having.

If you're on YouTube, you're seeing. She's in the goddamn party bus. I mean, it's wild over there. She's going like that woman in the party bus. Okay, let's go to the next news story. Alright. This one I picked specifically for Andrew. Aw, thanks.

Thanks for taking my job and then making a story. A teenager has legs and all of his fingers amputated after eating leftover noodles that triggered a potentially fatal condition. No, no.

Fuck, was there fish in it? That one fish. Under gills? Wait, his legs and all of his fingers. He had sepsis, right? Which is a tough word for me to die from. It's called- Because I can't say it.

I think it's called meningititis, which caused... Meningitis? Meningitis? Are you okay? No, there's a T in there, too. Okay, meningititis. Okay, so it caused stiff neck, nausea, respiratory collapse, shock, and multi-organ failure, and a skin rash.

What was in the noodles? What's going on with these noodles? His roommate also threw up after eating the leftover food, but didn't react as badly. And from seeing his roommate's fingers fall off. So one threw up, the other one's limbs just started falling off. Oh, shit. God damn.

I mean, you hear of all, this is, I remember reading one story about someone ziplining in Mexico and they like nicked their knee, like just got a little cut and then went jumping in a lake or something and they got a bacterial infection and then their skin starts rotting quickly and then they die of like some, then all, I mean, I watch all these YouTube videos that are completely geared towards me of like the woman with no thumbs and the man who can't go,

the man who's allergic to light. Yeah. And just all of the, like the sisters who can't see the color red. And it's just all these stories about people who just one day they ate some fucking noodles. And last night I thought of you. It shows how fucking fragile we are.

I was having some kind of like pain, like a very very acute pain in the back of my head that felt like it was so acute. It was so acute. A cute little cutie pain. I was really proud of using the word acute, by the way, because it was so perfectly

what I was describing. Then you fucked it up. It was a good joke, but I gotta say, it was acute pain. You weren't going to go with acute? No, I wasn't doing the joke. I was just proud of myself because I say it was a cute pain oh you were gonna go with a cute fuck no no I wasn't doing the joke I was just proud of myself because I described it

in a way that it really was so why did that make you think of me because I thought I would think it's brain cancer because I had the thought of like oh

because it was a new pain that I've never felt you know like I'm used to getting new pains are scary ocular fucking migraines and acute pain all over my face

in different places and it's fine but it was on the back of my head and i thought i can see how this would cause you to go what the fuck is this this is the beginning of a new stage of my life this is the this is the little thing that makes me go huh and then cut two months later i have a fucking cancer you know like the because there always has to be one of course knock on wood for fucking all of this knock on wood knock on one but um but there isn't it weird to me that i guess it's not weird but i always think when it comes to i guess cancer really like what's the first sign you know like is it just you get up fast too fast and

you're a little bit dizzy is it oh my arm kind of like i i brew like there's a bruise there that i recognize like it does it does have to start minor there's it's rare that something starts just huge yes that's why you get it early and it made me realize, oh, if I were slightly different when it comes to my anxieties, this would be really hard to deal with because it would make me, like the way that I kind of catastrophize being in a car and on a two-lane highway

and imagining all the things that could happen are the same way your brain goes to when you're starting to feel like... A new pain? Yeah. Like, is that what it used to be like? If it ends up being terminal brain cancer that you could have caught,

but you ignored it because you're a cynic about checking it out? I... Would you feel like an idiot? No, because... Would your last words go, Andrew, you were right? No, I'm not saying you're...

Because I don't think that you would your last words go andrew you're right no i'm not saying you're because i don't think that you would get this looked at like every pain that you get do you get looked at now well i'm afraid i that's my that's the catch 22 i would rather live a life that 99.9999999 of those little things that i get all day long a little like my arm will start yes following up on all of those would rob me of a life. My grandma Thelma would. She'd be like, ah, my bladder. And she was in the ER.

I would be in waiting rooms. I would be on a hold with doctors and insurance companies. I would rather wait till something is, you know, I'm aware enough of my body that like, yeah, if I'm shitting blood for like four weeks i'm gonna go probably call some or google i'm just kidding no if i'm you know if it's i feel like i wouldn't let something go so far that i'm like oh my god if i would have just caught it now that being said i do think that there are things that don't even show pain that you should be getting checked up on that i wouldn't

be able to know unless i did go to the doctor and get checked but i think for breast when do you start having to get your boobs put in the flattening machine the pancake machine mammogram a mammogram i think it's 40 40s yeah i think it's 40 and then uh colonoscopies aren't those 40 are you 40 i've had already three of them have you had one since you turned 40 no i gotta get i to get, I'm due probably pretty soon here. When you get a clean bill, the more you get clean, the longer you can wait. But yeah, I mean, you know, all these things, a lot of these things are preventative. What will you do if you get a weird new pain now? I just want to ask and with no judgment.

Like if you get a weird new pain do you google it first what do you do i don't know at this point i don't go down that rabbit hole that i used to i used to fucking web md things i used to be that guy like yeah i'd be like oh my god my you know i still i get numbness here when i sleep you know along my hand okay along the like pinky side of your hand and sometimes it would be in my pointer finger i remember in college i still remember like when it started happening yeah i like smoked weed one night and then the next day i started getting numbness in my butt and then it started in my hand and i didn't attribute it to like i attributed it all to the weed then oh my god this is a crazy

so i was hazing this kid by like yelling at him in the fraternity good story survey so i was hazing this kid yeah so and i noticed that i wasn't even hazing him hard i'm not i wasn't a big hazer and i'm not just saying that i really was atomic wedgie and i noticed my left uh pinky was slightly numb listen how crazy my brain was so i'm yelling at him but I'm not even yelling. I'm probably like being like, hey, you like pretending. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So other people think I'm tough.

So he blows a snot rocket, right? And some of it goes in my mouth, which hazed me right back. He hazed you back. Oh, he got me good. That's a good move. If you're getting hazed, snot in someone's mouth. Then my brain goes, this guy. Has AIDS. AIDS.

Yeah. He has to. Because I knew that he fucked like four girls or whatever. Oh my God. So my brain went to, my numbness isn't from the weed or from having a horrible diet. Having bad circulation. It's from the snot from this dirty kid's nose. Wearing my high school class ring too tight.

And that's where my, and then my brain, and then for fucking. That makes sense. I mean, but that's just, you know, and then I just went down that rabbit hole for fucking 15 years. I used to want diseases so badly when I was a kid and want to be. What, to give you. Sick or to be injured or to get a cast or to go to the hospital. I wanted stuff so badly that now I think that it's never going to work.

The things I always hoped were going to be really consequential and have me get a lot of attention for being the sick kid or have a bunch of kids in my class write a card. I didn't think these things through of what the ramifications could be to have leukemia. But I kind of was like, man, it would be cool to get that much attention because I was starved for it as a kid, clearly. That now I think the disappointment of never

it being as serious as I want it to be. I just don't even look up things anymore. Because I'm like. I do love the idea of like you getting cancer now. You do. Yeah. That's it. And,

and going to, I'm going to make a wish. I mean like, so I would, I'd love to like, they're like, ma'am, like you're,

I mean, am I too old? Uh, you're, I hate to say this, but you're off by like 25 years. Like, like,

like I could just, cause like no, that is the saddest part about like what you're off by like 25 years like like like i could just because like no that is the saddest part about like what you're saying like the attention yes like the later on you get a disease the less people really care yeah and you're like oh you're old you're due i mean i mean how many times does a grandparent guy oh well you're 70 years it's like no i still don't want like yes yeah so it's uh i get that yeah and i i it's been rare that i've ever and so i still have that it's it's a weird thing where i just go it's never gonna be what it is because it never was so i just kind of assume that i'm always gonna be kind of okay and thank god for that but also i think there's somewhere in between the two of us of like not checking up on things

and being completely probably get like blood work done like once every two years. And you should probably be able to figure out like that's not a big thing. And then you don't have to go. What's this? You know, it kind of will tell you what's going on. I really never think what's this ever. And last night I literally just thought I didn't think what's this. I thought, oh, this is when Andrew says, what's this?

I didn't even think what's this. But let's get to our Wednesday wildcard segment. It's Answer the Internet. Oh, nice. Let's do it. This is the game from, you know, Barstool. It's the kiss game you'll ever play. This is a bunch of would you would you rathers.

OK, here we go. You want to do this just this one time? Let's play it like. Like, really let's play it like like really really play it like we're on the show like as fucking serious as possible i kind of want to see what our answers would be okay if you had to get a lip tattoo what would it say that's actually kind of a cool question. If I had to get a lip tattoo, I'd get a lip. What? I'd have lip. Oh, the word lip.

Yeah. Oh, that's kind of funny. Yeah. I like that. I mean, I guess you could do that without being barred. I feel like it would say, would you have lip so it read lip to someone who was reading it when you pulled down your lip? Or pill. Or to you, would it say bill? Because it would look like

it would look like a lowercase b actually oh shit or a lowercase d i don't really know which way we're looking at it lip is funny honestly you should get that because the inside of the lip tattoo is the best tattoo to get because no one's seeing it that's never gonna be in in style to show the inside of your lip i was always worried about tattoos on a red carpet if i was ever famous what if i'm on a red carpet and i want to that that part of your body is in style to show and then i have a fucking you know dave matthews spirit dancer whatever the fuck that thing was um inside my lip i would have uh vegan ah because maybe it would remind you or some kind of taylor swift lyric but probably vegan because it would make me really commit to it when i start to go no i don't want

to do this thing and it's just i mean who cares what you write in there really i mean no what would you have in there i guess i'd have the word pointless. That's very long for your... Let's see that lips. I don't know if you got the lips. So it would be like P-N-T-L-S. Puntless. Pinless. Puntless.

I love that. I always just wanted to get the Chinese symbol for unoriginal. I wanted to get Chinese symbol, Chinese symbol. The Chinese symbol for Chinese symbol? Yeah. Oh my God. We were kind of on the same wavelength. Yeah, we were kind of similar. I actually went to a chinese restaurant once and asked them someone who spoke whatever version of

chinese mandarin or whatever what the symbol was for unoriginal and that we could not communicate what it was everyone's doing their own thing in china i don't know um okay if you could have an endless supply of anything what would it be and let's say you can't say money no um endless supply of anything yeah hmm hmm i would say i almost just said olaplex conditioner because it's really expensive but i and i ran out today and i'm like that's always something that i run out of and then i go buy like the Walgreens best conditioner, which is all full of sulfates and shit. That's bad for your hair.

But then the other day, Robin, my hair girl tells me that Olaplex has like a fucking class action lawsuit of women being like, my hair's falling out. So I don't even know what's up. Oh, my favorite thing about you sometimes is that like your,

your Julie Glazer shows and like, cause you have money. And then, but like a question like this is like, you're going to want something that's $2 and 99, like forever. Like, like I love that.

28 bucks for a little thing of it. My bad. My bad. You're telling me that all the bucks isn't expensive. Cause I'll tell you it's goddamn expensive. Are you? So you think that no matter if I swear to God, Andrew,

if I had a million dollars, I don't even think I'd buy Olaplex. That shit, that's ridiculous, Nick. You just used Tresemme. Who gives a shit? You know the stuff I get at TJ Maxx? That stuff is marked down. I get $3.99.

$40, it says on that tag. $3.99. I'll tell you what. Go to Marshall's. Yeah. You get some deals. Wait, why did you not end up with your mother's voice? Because this is the best voice.

I am going to end up with my mother's voice. Are you kidding me? It's going that way. If I just smoke a little bit more and just get a little bit more tired of all the bullshit around here, I'm going to get it. You think I'm not going to get my mother's voice she's gonna be a star bitches you don't even understand all

right let's keep going what what would you have an endless supply of andrew um shit i mean i wouldn't want it to be unhealthy uh hmm i guess uh, what do I... Oh, golf. Fucking... Golf balls? Either golf balls or unlimited supply of... Oh, yeah. Unlimited supply of getting on the courses I would love to get on.

Okay. I don't even know that that's a thing, but okay. Like a movie pass for golf courses. Yeah, for the best golf courses in the world. What about you, Noah? And a flight pass and a hotel. Noah, what about you? The first thing that came to mind, and now that I've had time

to think of it, it's probably not a good idea, but the first thing that came to my mind was pets. Endless supply of pets. I hate to tell you, honey, but there are. You can go to any shelter and they will never stop arriving. Exactly.

Time out. One pet forever, or thousands of pets? I just want a lot of animals as pets, but that might be a bad idea. I mean, your house will turn. Anyone that has more than four dogs, your house is your dog house. Yeah. house will turn like anyone that has more than like four dogs your house is a your dog house yeah you're not i think it's something that's really annoying to buy like to go out and resupply and it just you could just like with amazon though amazon is this whatever i know you're so right if you're like toilet paper like anything that you need over and over again is annoying i would say

an endless supply of spray tans. Because they're such a pain in the ass to go get. And they are not like, the good ones are expensive. I got one the other day that's lasted so long. It's so good. I've been doing it for a while. It was, you know, 100 bucks. And it's going to last for, today's probably the last day I'll get anything out of it.

And I got a, you know, a supplement with Sally Hansen spray on. So I would say spray tans. Final thought. Would you rather have Cheeto fingers or wet socks for the next 24 hours? Have we done this one? It's familiar.

Ooh. Hmm. I don't think we've done it. Depends if I'm going to be fucking. Okay. You know, because you don't want to finger a girl with Cheeto hands.

But, although it tastes better when you go down on fucking. Okay. You know, because you don't want to finger a girl with Cheeto hands. But, although it tastes better when you go down on her. I don't know. I'm having weird thoughts over here. I would say I hate wet socks.

I fucking hate them. It sucks. It's disgusting. It sucks. Cheeto fingers, though, really sucks. And I got to say

that it's not just Cheeto fingers. It's any kind of dusted, cheesy snack. Are you a finger sucker of your own fingers. It's any kind of dusted, cheesy snack. Are you a finger sucker of your own fingers after you're used to being? Sure, sure. But you know what?

You never really get that Cheeto grime off. It's really like it sometimes calcifies. And then your fingers are wet. And then you got to wipe them on something. And you're going to get that residue. It's so bad. What? Oh, I have the worst thing ever that's going to make me talk like this.

Oh, no. Wet Cheeto socks. Oh, boy. Okay, one more question. If you could fight one person to the death and switch lives with them, if you win, who would you fight? Giselle.

Okay, final answer. Guys, thank you so... I'm looking at her. And there's a new video of her doing jujitsu, and I'm like, this bitch can do everything. Yeah, man. She's Giselle. But now I want to...

Today I just saw her rolling around in a gi, and I'm like, I want to fight her. You know what probably makes you feel good, though? I guarantee she was called Giselle when she was younger because she was tall and weird. Yeah, I would love to be called a Giselle. Someone once said that to me that I was Giselle- I would love to be called a gazelle. Someone once said that to me that I was gazelle like,

and I was like, thank you. And I even said, it makes me think of Giselle. And they were like, no, that's not what I meant. Gazelle is just, Gazelle is gazelle who fucking just fucks a lot. Like Giselle. I know. It's like, I mean, I just,

Gazelle is just, I think, a perfect human. Yeah. And she's married to a guy that seems to really love her a lot. Now he's retired, has a lot of time to like hang out with her. He's not stressed all the time. No, she's going to hate having Tom Brady around. He's probably so annoying. He's probably going to fucking be so OCD about things. I did watch her on that, you know, that, that 73 questions thing where like the guy's like,

Hey, so show me around your house. And just like this pervy idiot. Yeah. Show me around your house. And just like this pervy idiot that's asking these dumb questions. And at one point in the video, she plays guitar. She's not good. Oh my God. And it's like a model thinking she's good at like.

It's hard with hooves. She's someone. There's just certain people who get told they're great at everything they do. And it was like, there's like this model confidence of playing guitar where she, you can tell people have been like, you're great.

And then you, it was just such a breath of fresh air to see her really just struggling. Sucks so bad that it's like, you honestly don't share this with anyone yet. Have a little self-awareness. This is not something you should be proud of yet. And I say that as someone who's who knows every time i go on instagram live with people i apologize the whole time for being bad

at guitar and i'm much better than giselle was in this video but that's what it's like being a model and beautiful everyone just tells you you created everything you don't really have a perception so it's not her fault it's not but i heard she's really good at banjo. I honestly, I cannot wait to show Noah the jujitsu clip because I have a feeling she, she also took one class and was like, this is my new thing. Oh yes. The new thing,

the new thing guy. Very annoying. I can't wait to, can I know it? Can I just send it to you and get your reaction right now? Sure. Live on the pod. Because I think it'll be worth.

I love the new thing person that is their person. Like, uh, no, I'm sending it to you in an Instagram. You ready? I just sent it. Okay.

Giselle doing, I think it's jujitsu. Oh my God. Any good? Well, she's probably flexible. It's like, Jiu-Jitsu. Oh, my God. Any good? Well. She's probably flexible. It's like, it's a buzzy D chord, right? Like, this isn't something she should be proud of.

She's from Brazil, too. It looks like she has two stripes. Okay. So, she does have some training going on. I hate that her hair looks so good. I know. That's what bothered me, too. I was like, oh, my God.

I guess you can have long hair doing Jiu-Jitsu. She has, like, this bothered me too. I was like, oh my God, I guess you can have long hair doing jujitsu. She has like this fun, like beautiful, like soft braid. And the way that they edited just shows her doing the move, not the transition to it, which is where the awkwardness is.

okay, so, oh, Noah's not impressed. Love it. All right, guys, that was the show.

Thank you for listening. Don't be cuh, and Jack. The ball tricks. Jack Buck. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears

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People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, Eve, Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You've got to check them out.

Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to Minnie Questions on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday,

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Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy, my dog. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From Novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app,

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