The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #193 Ten Sauces

Episode Date: March 29, 2022

Nikki absolutely loves Bestie encounters, especially when she is with her parents. They discuss the Oscars 2022 and all the moments that you can't get enough of. You Heard It Here First, Taxidermy vs Cryotherapy, farting terms in a relationship, Nikki's new fragrance and big changes at her most visited site. Nikki does care about a missed in memoriam tribute and the Top 1 Bottom 1 features takes on the Will Smith and Chris Rock debacle at the Oscars. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast,

and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to Minnie Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed

and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF. And me, Mandy B. As we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black

Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, then tune in to my podcast, Building One. I speak with some of the best product builders out there. I've always been inspired by frustration. It came back to my own personal pinpoint. So we had to go out to farmers and convince them.

Following that curiosity is a superpower. You have to be obsessed with the human condition. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. We're back. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the Nikki Glaser podcast season two. You're just joining us as a new listener. Welcome aboard. If you are an old bestie, thank you so much. I'm here with Andrew, my former roommate, now my building mate. Noah is our producer.

She is in Arizona. We do this show out of St. Louis in my apartment and it's a joy. We are so appreciative of all of our listeners. A couple things. I saw a couple Besties this weekend. I just want to say that I was walking in downtown Chicago with my parents after dinner on saturday night and all i hear out of a car is

and i turn around and it was a bestie waving out the window um which if you ever see me with my parents please come up and talk to me because the reason i do this is so that my parents can think that i'm cool and love like it's all because you want your parents what kind of car was it I think you know I'm car blind oh yeah I don't know it was not they didn't I just go don't be care and then they peeled off yeah they peel listening to come my lady come call my lady and like bump in the base um and then I also had another bestie encounter i was at starbucks around the block from our apartment the one i go to like every

day i was with my parents on friday and a girl and her boyfriend who was either mute or just didn't care to talk um ran over and was like it didn't run over but she was like hi i'm sorry everyone besties are so sweet they're always and by the way we call our our fans besties because it's like so lame that it's funny and it also is like you guys are our best friends because we talk like we do to our best friends on here like i don't even like people who aren't like i don't like my family to listen to this because it feels like a chat with my best friends and you wouldn't talk the same way to your girlfriends as you would your family even even though my mom does listen. So I got to watch myself.

But a bestie came up and said hi. And she was like, I was driving past. And I, you know, she was visiting from a different part of St. Louis. And she was like, and I said to my boyfriend or husband or whoever it was, he didn't talk, but he was so cute. Just like a shopping husband, like holding her purse. She's like, oh, you got to go talk to Nikki Glki laser and um she was like and i've heard this a lot they go i saw starbucks and i was also like what if i saw nikki glazer like when people driving around st louis they say that we've heard that before with fans being like what if we saw nikki and andrew

and then there they are yeah and so it was uh really cute and i loved please come up to me whenever parents are not i loved it it was so fun i and i loved please come up to me whenever parents are not i loved it it was so fun i did feel like the one in st louis was like beautiful or not but it felt like she was so cute and adorable that she could have stalked us oh you mean the one that stopped us a few like it's going to be on i believe it's going to be on uh welcome home nikki glazer which is coming out may 1. I'm really independent on all of you besties watching the premiere on May 1st on E! I know that that's like, I don't even know how to get E!

How do I figure it out? Go to your friend's house, tweet about it, do whatever you can because, you know, cable is kind of, you know, struggling and it's really important to like have, they're going to decide whether or not we get a second season based on how the first few episodes perform, and I just want to say, like, if you, if you get the word out and watch that premiere episode, it's going to be two episodes back-to-back, actually, episode one and two, which I haven't even seen two, dying to,

of Welcome Home Nikki Glaser, question mark, on May 1 1st sunday may 1st um i would really really appreciate it we're going to talk about it a lot coming up but that girl appeared on the show and she was so sweet yeah it's just like yeah it seemed like a plant yeah she was like crying and shaking and adorable yeah it was um she could have stabbed one of us and we're like she could have slapped the at me let's talk about it up um now i want to just ask how did you all how did we all come to find out about what happened were you watching it live what was going on i want to say that i had given up on the oscars i you know i realized i only watched the oscars for the comedy i want to see i don't really care about in the speeches of someone giving a crazy speech

but really it's about especially this time watching Amy Schumer and Wanda Sykes but Wanda they kind of gave this weird did you see that bit oh Wanda Sykes bit you didn't like I didn't like the I didn't like the Regina but she's not a comedian I know

is her last name Hall it's not Regina George in fairness she didn't even say her own name yeah yeah so regina hall amy schumer and wanda sykes hosted and i was obviously very excited to see amy host because she's just the fucking funniest and i knew she was going to kind of gervase it and like really go all out and she did she she killed she had so many great lines um i really loved even though that joke has been made a million times about leo having young girlfriends i loved that i just such a funny joke that he's leaving the world a better place the you know fighting climate change for his girlfriends yeah and then also um there finally

there was a movie made about the williams sisters dad yeah that was great i She had so many. I like a joke, even if it is said a lot, on that big of a stage. Because that's Leo's land. Like the Oscars, that's Leo's world. You don't come into Leo's world and take down Leo. Yeah, you're so right. And I wondered if he was even there. Because I think he was, I mean, his movie was up, but I don't think he was up for Best Actor.

I think he was driving around a movie theater in his car trying to pick up women. According to Just Jared, the gossip sites, I think he just went to the after party. Okay, that makes sense. Any mention is good, so he can roll his eyes all he wants at that, and celebrities can go,

I don't want to be the butt of jokes, but bad press is good press. If someone's joking about you, it's good. When I would go to the roast and a comic would get up there or a celebrity would get up there and just totally skip me, it was a terrible feeling as opposed to just saying something awful about me. Having Alec Baldwin say, Nikki Glaser's here, I don't even know what a Nikki Glaser is. Even though it's acknowledging that I'm a nobody, it's great to have him say my name. So I just want to say before we get started on the Chris Rock stuff that I tuned in for Amy. She fucking killed it.

And then Wanda Sykes, they gave some kind of like bit where she was going through a museum and it was really just not great. And obviously Wanda is one of the funniest people ever ever so it was just like a missed opportunity with her but then regina hall had a bit where she came out and they set it up in the beginning where amy was like i'm yeah something like i forget what they were saying i'm excited to be here wanda was like i'm surprised that i got asked and regina is like and i'm single so they set it up she's single which i thought, I thought the joke was weird. And then I saw, oh, this is paying off later. We're setting her up a single. She's looking for a guy. And then she says, you know,

not everyone got COVID tested. We need to do some swapping backstage. And she calls up all like the single handsome actors. And she even made a joke about Will Smith at that point, being like, what's the deal with you guys? I thought that was hilarious. Steven references open marriage, which we all know about, but no one really talks about. point being like what's the deal with you guys is i thought that was hilarious to even reference his open marriage which we all know about but no one really talks about and then but i just thought

that whole bit was just i was shocked that anyone let that happen you know when like someone a celebrity does blackface and you go how did someone not stop you from doing layers did that go through how did you did this pass through every you know and i'm not comparing the two stop with the things of like you think blackface is the same as regina hall doing like no i'm just saying oh you don't have okay yeah that'd be so hilarious if i was like i think they're exactly they're exactly the same what 9-11 and chris rock getting punched in the face is the same i don't know why anyone would argue that's just totally not so well if he got hit twice did you see the bit did you see the regina all bit yeah you did that's when i stopped watching

it yeah i it made me so i watched it through my fingers after after i realized what the premise was and i was just like oh and then saying that she was gonna swap them with her tongue saying that she wanted made a joke about one guy. I know you're legal. Yeah, the Euphoria joke. He wasn't even there. Jacob Ellard, he was backstage. He was about to give an award. And then also the part about them getting naked,

her filming some stuff with them, filming them against their will. It was all like a trick. It was like that porn you watch, or I watch mostly, where it's like doctors like take advantage of these unknowing women i mean i watch stuff that's scripted and obviously this was scripted but then she felt up the people walking out the two um i forget it was probably like jason momoa and someone else she after she said okay here they're i didn't even get to that part

i turned it off they come out even I know. Wasn't it so uncomfortable? That's how weird it was. And the guys couldn't talk, so they're just standing there. They were so awkward. And they were laughing, but it was so weird. And in the audience shots, people were like, what is going on? I thought I was going to go on Twitter and see everyone being like, that was terrible.

Everyone loved it so much. And I'm sorry ify would have done that bit she would have been pilloried for it like she would have been it would have been like that's so cringe why is she like we get it you're single it's gross she's sexual like but for some reason it was adorable when regina did i just don't understand why it was celebrated. Even Jesse Fox, who is a guy who does a podcast called Good One, he is a writer for, he does a podcast called The Good One. He's pretty much a comedy connoisseur writer, and he's very well-respected. He has great taste in comedy. I love reading his stuff. I've done a lot of interviews with him, and wrote like, that was just amazing. And I just go,

what am I missing? And he said to, to do a bit that's awkward and to have that much, like he had a good point. She did a good performance. The bit was stupid though. And I just want to say that I couldn't get past the double standard of like, if a, if a man was doing this, how gross this would be to say he's going to swab someone's, these young girls that he just checked if they're legal with his tongue. Yeah, the fetish. And I hate this double standard thing. I hate that argument.

And I just want to say, it's not that I'm saying Regina Hall shouldn't have been able to make that joke. I'm just saying that a guy should be able to make that joke too, because it is comedy and it's just a joke. So I'm not saying I'm offended. I am offended because I can't believe that men aren't allowed to do that if women are allowed to make those jokes. We need to be, and I understand that men are stronger and have an advantage, but so many men have been victimized by women, both in sexual harassment, touching men inappropriately, especially comics, who women, after a meet and greets, all my male comic friends get felt up all the time by women.

And of course, they're stronger than women. And so they can push them off. It's a different kind of vibe than women with men annoying them. But I do know that it's actually less acceptable to complain about. So these guys have to stay with the secret and they have to, you know, young boys that get preyed upon by their school teachers. They,

they, they get like, Oh, you know, he died of high-fiving everyone. That was Zach Alphanakis. His joke. Did you hear about the kid who slept with his,

his teacher? He died of high-fiving too hard. And so it's like a lot of guys, it's the same as the penis thing of like small penises get made fun of and we all let it slide because no one who's having their small penis made fun of is going to go, hey, I have a small penis. And we all laugh and joke about male sexual harassment towards males by women because, oh, they can fend it off. But any guy that was like, hey, I was actually raped by a woman. I don't like that. No guy's going to say that, first of all, because it's just, you know, uncomfortable to admit that thing and they shouldn't have to.

But you know what I'm saying? Yeah, no, I get it. Stay quiet. And so we keep doing it. If you get harassed as a teenager and you have a if you have a big dick, it's fine. Right. Is that what you're saying?

Yeah. And that was my point. So let's move on to the thing everyone's talking about. I was in bed. and you have a if you have a big dick it's fine right is that what you're saying yeah and that was my point so let's move on to the thing everyone's talking about i was in bed because i had already given up right i gave up um i get i'm on reddit i'm looking at you know videos of warts being scraped down and i get a text from chris my boyfriend and and Jen, my assistant, and one other person that just said, I just want to read the text that I got from Chris. I read on Twitter something like, was that real? Was that punch real? And then I go, what the fuck happened?

Wait, I texted you guys that. Huh? I texted you guys that. Yes. Oh, and then you texted that right after i saw it on twitter and i was like what was real okay so i got what what wtf just happened with will smith um chris sent me a bunch of voice memos he goes turn it on now i know that because i already told him i'm like i'm in bed i gave up and he goes get out of bed it's worth it and he goes go to twitter and tweet

it looks like chris rock is gonna have to move in with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air. Just tweet it. Just trust me. And because I have a bigger audience and I was like, okay, this is the ultimate trust. And so I tweeted it. Everyone ended up making that joke, but I was one of the first because Chris told me to do it. And then I was like, okay. And I climb out of bed and I turn back on the TV and I go back and watch it. And my, I mean, everyone was saying punch. Someone on Twitter did say, why did that slap sound like a punch? Because it was more than a slap.

I mean, he lifted, it was like a pimp slap. He, it showed that he spent time as Muhammad Ali. That's what it showed me. It showed me that he is method actor and he has not forgot how to throw a right hand um he hit him in a way that like it was almost more demoralizing to get slapped it's almost when like someone spits on you there's the word but yeah in front of slap where there isn't a punch dude when he walked up and chris rock was still laughing you see you see chris see him That was an interesting part to me where you go from thinking things are fine to like, oh, God, to getting defensive.

Noah, why did you think it was fake? Or did you? A lot of people still think it's fake for some reason. It's insane. So I just like watched it in slow motion on Twitter. And Chris Rock's legs barely moved. It was only his upper body that went off to the side. The stills of it are

insane. Yes, but when I kept watching it slowly, it did look like maybe spit came out of Chris Rock's mouth. So I was like, okay, well that is real. And his cheek kind of rippled. Yes. His demeanor changed a lot. Oh, so you thought it was because

he didn't. It was such a hard slap that you would think it would land him on his ass Oh, so he must have been just frozen. It was such a hard slap that you would think it would land him on his ass almost, or at least he'd step back. Yeah, it would definitely rock him off the position that he was in, and he kind of stayed stationary. You know, Hollywood makes some bad choices where you go, how did anyone think this was going to be funny? That to me, though, it didn't seem fit there was no way i could make it into it was fake and also the muting of the tv after it

happened which i saw i get it you saw it on twitter so you thought it might have been a stunt the muting afterwards and then when you saw what he really said get your get my wife's name out of your fucking mouth get your wife keep my wife's name out of your my fucking mouth um it was absolutely not fake and yeah he uh it would be funny if logan paul was behind all this for the slap championships that you almost hosted oh my god like maybe that's what followed up on that fuck it already happened it did yeah hilarious who hosted it uh it was arnold schwarzenegger and logan paul and then i could have been nikki glazer but i never wrote davidge back davidge from f-boy island is logan paul's manager and he wrote me he was like i think you

would be great at this davidge don't forget me for other things but i'm i might be bigger than ever now sometimes i like forget huge things yeah like i'm not kidding you. Like when I get asked to do things, I have to say that I did, I met Francis Ford Coppola on Thursday and like held his hand, talked to him for about 30 minutes, auditioned with him for another 30 minutes. He signed a wine bottle for my parents

to EJ and Julie. He wrote, signed a book for me. I spent so much time with him on thursday um i forgot about that i even it was funny because after the slap he was on he was one of the next presenters or like doing the godfather thing he's up on stage and i was just like oh my god i just was with that person but i was just like going through twitter like i forgot and then the weirdest thing that i just want to say before we get we're going to get into the chris rock thing in top one bottom one in our segment do you ever have this it's the first

time it's happened to me where something is so exciting you black out and you forget that it happened and you just it's almost like in a dream you know when you wake up from a dream where you're like hooking up with your dream person or you have your dream job or you went flying and it just was so good that you have to forget it because it's just too sad that it didn't happen. But I think for you, two days later, you were singing with Wilco. Well, that's what I'm saying. I was with Wilco. I think if you didn't have Wilco, you might still have Coppola in your hand.

You know what I mean? Yes. So too many things are happening. But when I was on F Perfect Strangers f perfect perfect boys islands when i was on perfect strangers too i got asked to do carpool karaoke with um a band that i was not into because i'm friends with one of the producers that worked there and she was like any chance you're a huge blah blah fan and i said i don't like blah blah but i'm sure you can find someone i would love to do that show though i'm a fan of and then i said uh i gave her three choices and i thought no I'm a fan of, and then I said, I gave her three choices

and I thought no chance for any of these people. And then she comes back with Wilco said yes immediately. And I called my parents right away. We were on the set, way to the set to Perfect Strangers. I called my parents on speaker because they got me into Wilco and I told them about it. And then I went to set and I didn't talk about it or think about it after that, because it was so, it was too much excitement of like, this is like the biggest thing that's

ever happened to me in terms of getting to hang out with someone who has impacted my life in such a profound way that I couldn't, I couldn't handle it. And I talked to Chris. Chris Convey, my boyfriend, is a huge Wilco fan as well. Huge, huge, huge. And one of the reasons why we got along so well and why I was attracted to him in the beginning. And I didn't tell him for three, it was like three days until I remembered. Three days later, I remembered.

I didn't tell anyone. It was wild because it was too much. And if I was to stay in that, I wouldn't be present for Perfect Strangers. I couldn't have gotten on with my day because it would just have freaked me out too much. And after the weekend I had with Wilco, which I'm going to talk about either more today or tomorrow. After Columbine? Yeah. Well, we're going to get to Columbine.

We're going to get through all that. I just want to make sure we hit that. But I want to talk about my Wilco experience because I want to honor it and I don't want to move on to the next big thing, yeah well we're gonna get to columbine um we're gonna get through all that we hit that but um i want to talk to about my wilco experience because i want to honor it and i don't want to move on to the next big thing which i'm going to shoot uh tonight i'm going to new york because i'm shooting uh beat bobby flay that show and that's another really fun thing that could easily just like make me forget about the thing that just happened so i don't want to forget it and it was truly the most the best thing that could have happened,

happened with the Wilco weekend. And we'll talk about that later. We'll talk about Chris Rock. We're going to go to break and we'll come back with news. Andrew. Coming in. All right. We're back.

Let's get to the news. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh man, it's Monday folks. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, man. It's Monday, folks. You know what that means? It is Monday.

I hope you're having all the swells. I'm sure Chris Rock has one on his face right now. Hey, now. I didn't write that. That was completely improv. Where was it? No one knows. Oh, no.

That was good. Okay. Take it to you. Noah. Noah. All right. Okay. Take it to you. Noah. Noah. All right. First story is,

did you know that there are parents in Thailand who are trying to use science and technology to bring their daughter back to life? Okay. Just heard that physicists determined that information might be a sixth sense. Or no, a matter. It might be a new form of matter that information is now could be qualified as matter which is not something that was so okay things things are

happening tyler henry is talking to dead people on netflix tell me about this okay so the two-year-old girl nicknamed einz is the youngest person to be cryogenically frozen, preserving her brain moments after death in the hope that she would one day be brought back to life. I mean, science will get there. Let it go. Let it go. I know. You're frozen now. I shot a thing with Marion and Luigi two weeks ago,

and I was talking about my desire to have marion uh taxidermied oh next week she's not she's not gonna die next week but like i just want to have her put down because i think i just want to get it as soon as possible you know i get that uh but when she does die no i want to have her taxidermy and my dad is refusing more dead now anyways i know she already looks at is it weird to take these measures too Too early? I mean, that is a way for me to keep her alive to me because the physical part of her is still there. Noah, what do you think? As long as she gives you information.

Text Jeremy, not so much, but like this whole process, I got into it a little bit and read more about it. they extracted her brain and they're keeping her brain like they filled it with all these fluids and they're keeping it at a temperature that's negative 196 degrees Celsius and they're just preserving it in this special center in the hopes that one day I feel like this is a way

for Joe Rogan to recover from a workout. It's like Futurama. Yeah. It's exactly that. It's Futurama. They're basically just keeping her brain in a jar. So what exactly that. It's Futurama. They're basically just like keeping her brain in like a jar.

So what do they want to do with the brain? They're waiting for technology to catch up and then they're going to... Yeah, right? My question was though, like if technology,

let's say it happens like 200 years from now, does that mean that this lab has to be open that long? Yeah. What if they have to close down? What do they do with the bodies? I'm guessing that they're just going to have

if it closes down, it's like it goes in the landfill. Put it in a Yeti. Put it in a Yeti. Throw it in a Yeti. I feel like you would have to leave money so that it... Did you see Don't Look Up at the end? They all return to Earth after they were frozen and sent to space.

Earth blows up. They're frozen for thousands of years. They come back when Earth has kind of regrown, and they land, and they're instantly eaten by dinosaurs. This girl would wake up. Let's say her brain is regenerated. All her parents are dead. And then everyone's dead. I mean, it's just not – I mean, it really is – death is regenerated and then everyone's dead i mean it's

just not i mean it's it really is death is really hard and that's why i love that book that i just read um that i keep talking about by kerry egan k-e-r-r-e-g-a-n i forget the name i think it's on living i think is what it's called and it just talks about death and it really um it was a beautiful take on death that i've been thinking about a lot recently let's get to the next news story okay put it on ice a singer was hospitalized because she was on she was not on farting terms with her partner okay so she was so stopped up yeah i had a joke about this in my um on my half hour that I did with Netflix about how when Chris and I broke up, he left. I remember we broke up and it was like that moment where it was really done and the door shut.

And I was just, I farted for 900 years. It was also about that sound that sometimes I will hold in a fart around people that I don't want to fart in front of and your stomach will make that sound like the fart will get sucked back up and it's like it'll make a sound of like you're hungry. Your stomach

is eating your own fart. But it sounds like it's growling. I used to do that and I'd be like oh I'm so hungry and Chris is, you just ate a bunch of beans. Like why would, that's obviously not what it is. It's so a sucked up fart. But yeah, it's very painful to hold in farts. And I think a lot of times my aggression, I used to, when Chris and I used to live together,

I was so fucked up with my food and eating just such weird, you know, artificial sweeteners that just make you a bloated like jiggly puff like i was just a balloon i was like macy's day parade pot stomach always gassy um i was miserable because i was holding it in and i couldn't let it out what do you do you think that's why people buy bigger homes like i'm not even kidding like is that a reason for like an extra bathroom chris and i will oh if we ever move in together we will get at least two bathrooms because we like to do that kind of stuff separate and um and farting terms with your boyfriend noah are you on farting

terms with um avi and if you are what is it just like whenever or do you have to warn each other um we are not on farting terms and it's because i learned my lesson from a previous relationship where there was like no boundaries with that like we would literally like shit in front of each other yeah and i think it just like takes away not the sexiness but it it it kind of yeah it blurs the line between like a relationship boyfriend girlfriend or lover lover and buddies. Exactly. And if you do fart with your mate, I don't want to hear a message from you being like,

no, we have great sex. I get like, I understand that this is not, there's exceptions to this rule. But for me, I do think that it takes it into friend territory. And I used to kind of get a little bit upset that Chris was so anti-bathroom stuff because I pee with the door open. Like, I'll pee with the door open with you. I respect that you have a girlfriend. I'm like, okay, I'm not going to like leave it open. But generally, like with my friends, I will just do. And Chris is not my friend. He is my friend, but I want there to be a difference. I want to like,

it's a level of respect. I wouldn't do that in front of someone I was. It's about respect, I think. What about you and Brenna? We fart in front of each other i'd fart more for sure yeah um i get that i definitely did she warn you before she does it but will she go like i have to fart and then you'll laugh or will she just do it at this point at one point we were there and now it's just you know i i sometimes get woken up and try to hit snooze and it's different at night is different because you can't control it no no i'm saying in the morning i'll wake up to a they're still cute they're still so cute yeah they're so cute but no like i think the level for me is shitting in front of each other i think i think that's kind of where and i know farting is just an appetizer

for shitting in front of someone it It's a moose boosh. You want the mozzarella stick? That is true. When someone farts, they're like, there's a lot of shit in there. That's just... Sometimes you smell a fart and you're like, you need to go take... A bunch of shit is in your body.

But her farts, honestly, and I'm not just being like, she's so cute, but they don't smell. And I think it's like... The smell is definitely a is definitely the smell is the one that ends up yes affecting it but i i do think like shitting should let's keep that unless you're into that like you know a guitar player we know yeah you know yes there's yeah there's certain people out there that love shitting and scat play in bed um i do want to say though that like i um we can't it's the biggest blind item ever that we know this about a certain someone but i do want to say that um i think the comfort level like i was always i i'm just so happy with my relationship right now i just want to say that because I always felt like there was a part of me

holding myself back because I was, you know, especially I equated not being able to fart in front of him with a lot of other things. And now I can see the difference between not being able to fart in front of someone and also being able to really tell them anything, talk to them about anything um have them be able to handle like me looking any certain way like i i just it's so funny to have been with someone for off and on for eight years and to have it feel at this point like a completely new

relationship like i have a boyfriend it's i'm so excited about it and people that in my life are like we've been hearing about this guy forever like it's no i can see how it could be feels like a new person for sure but with all of the great history that we do have um i'm i'm just like really happy and i know that bestie's like hear what i'm happy but i'm just like so you gotta think about it like yeah you guys broke up 48 times got back all that but like people that are couples change yeah people are in relationships and it changes and that's okay you know what i mean yeah if you're still together they're like oh this feels like we have a new lease i know whenever someone says i did this on my um in my act when people are like we've been together for 50 years and it's just like, I feel like that's not a good thing.

Because you definitely hated each other during some of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just honored that we weren't getting along. And I reserve the right for us to break up again. But right now, I just feel like when people say men don't change, people don't change. It's not that we both have changed. You know what? people don't change but

people uh educate themselves and they um they absorb more information and they get they have a willingness to admit that maybe the way they're doing things isn't right people is that changing though what do you mean by people don't change like? He still is who he is in the way he always is. But what he has and what I have had is a willingness to say, I might not be right. I'm just going to see if this other way of doing things works, and I can always go back to my way. But maybe this other person who I think is 100% wrong might be right. And we need more of that, including with the Chris Rock thing.

I want to consider that Will Smith was right I want to I want to actually try that on for size put that on see how it fits and like maybe open my mind to the thing that I know is wrong and I think that's why Chris and I have been able to reach this place is to go maybe I'm wrong this is all about farting yeah it all comes down but no i just love like this like epiphany and it's just it's like yeah i don't know but yeah he does he does though hate fragrance and i just want to say i'm obsessed with this new fragrance that i got a sample of from sephora um when I ordered a bunch of stuff. It's called Clean. I think I found my fragrance, by the way.

A lot of besties sent me ideas and I just couldn't, it's called Clean Reserve and it's by Aqua, I don't know, but it's called Clean Reserve. Aqua, A-C-Q-U-A-N-E-R-O-L-I. Andrew, I want you to do a spurt of it, just one spray, because I have a little vial of it and see what you think for a feminine scent. That was a lot.

It's nice. It's soft, right? It's not too much. That's what I like. I accidentally sprayed a decent amount enough to get me broken up with. Oh. Who the fuck is this this I swear to God it's not even like a female it's like just a nice favorite spray is a spray you know it's like a haircut that you don't even know what happens is this count as that yeah

it's just it's on the tip of being too fragranced for me yes because you just sprayed it and you're spilling directly on your wrist. But if you were around a girl that was just wafting that from her. Yes, but I don't like an over-fray. It could be a lot. If there are any fragrance heads out there, tell me what you think of it. I want to know what other people think of it, because I might be wrong. And I only have one guy.

It's called Clean. Clean Reserve is what is on the top. No, I like it. I like it. Noah, do we have another news item, or do we want to move on to Steggy's? No, let's do this last news item because I think you really want to know this. After 35 years,

Starbucks made a bittersweet announcement. They're raising their prices every month for the rest of time. No, they're doing away with their iconic white paper cup with its green logo of a two-tailed mermaid. What are they going to do next? Changing into the Washington Redskins?

What are they changing into? Yeah, that mermaid has two tails. It's like cut in half. She looks like you. She could be a non-man. Thank you. Okay. Alright, so they're making changes in an effort to eliminate the billions of the white paper cups that end up in landfills around the world every year. Mm-hmm.

And they're trying to eliminate... Hold on. Okay. They're not recyclable, by the way. That is the worst part about those cups. Yes. Why would they not make recyclable? Because the inside needs to be plastic for the heat.

Oh. I mean, obviously, there's a way way to do it that they could recycle it, but it would cost money. My drink has gone from $5.40 to $7.89 within two years. Every day. $7.84.

Noah, keep going. Sorry. The kid gets a pair of Toms. This is what's annoying about this to me, is they're claiming that it's an environmental thing. They're going to save so much money by not making cups. At the same token, the price that they're paying is people

are not walking around with their cup and the logo. Exactly. That logo might be contributing the fact that they see that logo so much in landfills and on streets. Sometimes you see trash and it becomes the face of trash. Starbucks cups are so the face of trash at this point.

If there's a trashy woman out there, it's a mermaid. They're the face of the backseat of my car, I'll tell you that. Wait, can we go back? What are they going to do? What are they doing inside of these cups? All right. So right now there's a pilot program called Borrow a Cup. And the idea is that

Starbucks will put your cup in a reusable cup that you take with you and then you bring back to be professionally cleaned and used again. They already tried this. It's not going to happen.

What? This is all marketing. No one really cares about the environment. No one really cares. And I don't want to say no one but companies as big as this don't care they care about money and it's green washing that's what it's called when a company pretends to care about the environment it is a marketing ploy to go oh this is a good thing for the i'm going to buy this because it's great so

what do they do so you bring a cup in and they're gonna wash it for you it doesn't make any sense can you imagine asking if i was a worker there well they're gonna have a certain like probably a station where it's they put all these cups on and they just have to like press a button or something you know what i mean yeah but then how are you gonna do venti grande depending on your cup it's it's wild and i can't wait to see them roll it out and roll it back. I mean, this is, yeah, I'm going to be like. Starbucks, I recently read a thing on Reddit that said,

a Starbucks employee wrote, seriously, why do you like Starbucks so much? An employee wrote that and was like, what is it? And I really, I saved it. Maybe I'll do it on Reddit dump tomorrow because it really made me go, why? And I'm looking at it as, I have an addiction to Starbucks, to caffeine, it maybe i'll do it on reddit dump tomorrow um because it really made me go why and it's i'm looking at it as i have an addiction to starbucks to caffeine but to starbucks i have an absolute addiction yeah it's a problem and part of it is the green logo the way the cup feels in my hand

the way the door feels when i swing it open the way the music is blaring like it just there's it makes you feel at home when i make a coffee at my apartment with steamed milk, I have a steamer now because Robin sent me one. I have sugar-free vanilla stevia that I can put in. It doesn't taste the same. I don't know what it is. Well, I think there's a lot of things. One, we like to pay for things because then it tastes better.

I love paying for things. What is that? I don't know. I don't know what it is but god do we feel good when we when we pay too much for an item i love like i love spending money i really it gives me some especially on other people i like i like paying full price for something when it's like you know during the pandemic when my apartment that was paying and if you haven't heard this number before, I'm not trying to brag.

I got an apartment for $7,500 a month because I was balling. It was double what I had ever paid in my life for an apartment, and I never lived in it. And I had to pay $7,500 a month for 11 months. I got out of it in the last month. For 11 months, I spent that, and I never spent foot in that apartment. Many people were saying, don't pay it. Just fight this. There's probably a way to finagle out of this.

And I felt good that I signed a lease and said, I'm going to do this. And I stood by my word. And I was telling Chris that the other day, and he was like, it was probably like a, like a fucking hedge fund that owns your building. Like you're just like giving money to these like criminals.

Like, it's not like if it was like, you know, a guy named Noam who like owns the building one building yes yes but it's not that it's like this is no it was gnome and you're a piece of yeah this is sterling holdings yeah llc yeah exactly you know what i mean yeah this is not it's a shell of a company that actually kills there is something i like about when i say i'm gonna pay something i'm gonna pay it yeah no for sure i think though like with starbucks one the efficiency

it's like if you had a drug dealer right because the coffee is a drug yeah and you call your drug dealer and he's like dude i'll get back to you like two days from now oh you wouldn't keep that drug dealer you wouldn't keep that drug or would you rather the drug dealer you spend twice as much yeah and you go oh you're outside already how did you even know i was ordering yep that's what it is that's all it is it's efficient smile and yeah there's some nice people at starbucks that we go to there's a couple of people that work there that are the nicest fucking workers you know i'm on the starbucks reddit and starbucks is big about their partners is what they call them they don't call them like employees their partners being having they call them. They don't call them like employees, their partners being, having like interactions,

looking people in the eye. And I say, fuck that. So I would have so much rude behavior. You fucking do you, but I will say that Starbucks employees are better at ignoring waiting little like harping customers, little Karen's circling around the bar.

They're better at acting like you don't, you're not there. Then, you know, Delta employees. Those are the two that are so good at having a conversation with the person they're dealing with or working on, and they have no periphery. They have horse blinders on. They're great at it, as they should be.

We've got to go to break. Yeah, it's just the double line. It's the out orders and the people in store as a worker. The mobile orders. Oh, God. Any Starbucks employees out there, I want to have one stores as a worker orders. Oh God, it's any Starbucks employees out there. I want to have one on as a guest. I really if you worked at Starbucks for a lot of time and you have a lot of thoughts about it, please send us a DM and we might feature you on the show.

That is one thing I really want. We got to go to break. Are we going to come back with we'll come back with why do I care? All right. Why do I care? Why do i care all right why do i care why do i care all right so i'm gonna skip the whole slap and i'm gonna go to bob saget was confusingly left out of the in memoriam segment no way the oscars on sunday no way talk about a slap in the face oh my god or hit in the head um holy shit i did not know that um you know what that is that's agreed that is insane was it because he was never in a movie was he not in no he was in he was in a ton of movies and he was all you know let's talk about half baked

one of the best cameos ever yeah He was an Oscar winner, apparently. Scoring a Student Academy Award in 1977 for his black and white documentary, Through Adam's Eyes. Okay, that is really... They better get him next time. Are you allowed to throw in the next year? They should. They owe an apology.

That is insane. I mean, did the freaking Oscars get a concussion? I mean, I got really upset about Bob Saget all over again

the other day. Like, it just like, just, you know, reports keep coming out about what could have happened to him.

And, you know, the corner said it's probably not something that happened in the bathroom because there are so many, if he hit his head

on hard surfaces, there would have been blood. There would have been broken skin because of how badly he was hit. And there was a picture of the bed where they found him after they had taken him off the bed. That has his imprint in it. It has all of his like, has his, you know, ear AirPods. It has his phone. It has all those things on like the side table which really did make me go okay i need to

start having a more organized room just in case i don't wake up and people it ends up on daily mail because it was such a cute little like assortment you could just tell he was ready for bed you can see the the the part on the pillow where his head was but the headboard was padded and perhaps people think that he hit something very hard padded and didn't think of how uh you know damaging that could have been because it was padded but also the front of his head was hurt too so i'm i'm very confused by all of it and there's another death did you see that the drummer for foo fighters oh yeah i mean that was for some reason that was terrible. For some reason, that dude, even though I can't really name more than 30, he had energy to him.

Yes. He's always smiling. 50 years old. Dude, I don't know why I got so fucking sad from him dying, dude, because I don't know. Like, it's someone that you just- No, I saw a lot of people that didn't really know him got sad. Yeah, it was weird. It was a weird-

It doesn't matter. It was a weird death of me being like i don't know why but that guy seems so genuine and so positive and then did you write a song about it i did yeah i wrote this song do you want to hear the lyrics taylor why the did you have to do 10 different substances at once but you're still rock and roll if you ever die they're gonna find ten different sauces in your body dude i went to did so funny you say that i went to high point have you ever been there it's a very famous burger place in st louis and i put more sauces in one and i like to make you know yeah you did like a suicide oh geez that's how i wanted have died. It was like sriracha mayo, honey mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, Taylor Hawkins fingernails. Everything was in there.

Was there any substances in his body when he passed? We found up to 12 sauces, including the Polynesian mustard that was from Chick-fil-A. And he was eating at Chipotle. He actually died because he choked on the plastic. So we don't know how oh, yeah. Oh, yeah You're gonna have you know, they said they find plastic now in our blood like plastic particles Yeah, no like a shark when they cut open a shark you're gonna have like a like a Not a license plate with the license plate like border that's plastic. There's going to be unopened Polynesian sausage.

Starbucks cups. Oh, that's where they all went. That is a fishing net, a tee, just like random shit. I mean, there have got to be things inside you that haven't made their way out yet. You've had to have swallowed some plastic. I have a fingernail baby in me. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Like just a little ball of fingernails. No, not a little. I'm talking a full-on grown adult. Yeah. I'm preserving. I'm sure those make their way through. That's probably what caused your fissures.

Those nails slicing you on the way out. Wait. Oh, because you chew your nails? He bites his nails. Oh. Yeah. And you swallow them or you chew your nails? He bites his nails. Oh. Yeah, and I swallow them. Do you swallow them or you spit them out? You swallow?

It depends. Yeah. Depends on if I smoke a little weed. Depends on if it has sauce underneath it, like crusted on it, a little dollop. All right, let's get to Monday's segment, top one, bottom one, where we pick the top one

and the bottom thing of a certain category today's category is modeled after what happened last night at the Oscars Noah what is it so it's the best and worse or like the top one bottom one take of the Chris Rock Will Smith slap heard around the world

yes that is I love that we initially said tweets but we're going to do takes. Let's start with the best. I'm going to share mine first. This is from Chris DeStefano, one of the funniest comics ever. If you don't follow him, he's Chris D Comedy on Twitter. And I think on Instagram, Chris D Comedy.

And he's just one of the funniest guys ever. And this is his take. Is this his Anxiety Tuesday? Yes. He does Anxiety Tuesdays but they're never on Tuesday and they're just him talking really fast and it's hilarious and this is truly all that needs to be said about what happened. I am 100% on Chris

Rock's side. I mean really you're going to slap a guy over a freaking G.I. Jane joke? I don't care what happened in your life before that or he's been making fun of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith's relationship slap a guy over a freaking G.I. Jane joke. I don't care what happened in your life before that. So he's making fun of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith's relationship for a long time. It's like, yeah, because it's toxic. You can obviously see it's toxic. I mean, she publicly says she cheats on you all the time. And Will Smith's obviously in the closet gay, which is fine. Just come out, be free, be open, be gay, be happy. I mean, it's literally

the most toxic relationship I've ever seen in my life and that's coming from me. So I'm telling you, I mean, the fact of the matter is this, is the narcissism in the Oscars is disgusting. Why we are still glorifying actors and actresses is beyond me. I mean, dude, a hundred years ago, people would honor kill themselves and their families if their kids came out and said they were actors. I mean, it's scum shit. You make me believe thereum someone else i'm supposed to give you a million dollars you i mean what are you talking about i hate it all i do have an audition later so fingers crossed i get it i love he's just driving on 95 too while doing that he's the fucking best and um i just want to say a couple

things about that uh yeah i mean i i had a bunch of tweets last night i actually got called this or i got i woke up this morning like really famished and like i think i got like legionnaires disease at my hotel this weekend so i was like you know you wake up like coughing violently and i look at my phone it's 6 a.m and baba booey uh gary delabate uh texted me being like, hey, any chance you could call in to Howard today? And we want to talk about the Chris Rock thing. That's so cool, by the way. You're on the list of

comedians that they want to hear to take film. Yeah. It was nice. Well, someone said, like, I'm not going to say what someone said. It doesn't matter. No, no, no. I'll tell you. I'll tell you. So, guitar shit and so uh so uh

i i gotta be honest though i was just like i don't want to do this because i last night i was tweeting a lot and there were a lot of people going like white people you need to sit this one out and like oh like you just don't want to have a

bad take that paints you like as a just a karen or like making a lot of people were like great job making this about you nikki and i'm like how was i making it about me to compare this to the weinstein thing and yes i did compare it to the weinstein thing because my point and i told this on howard so i called into Howard. Howard was so sweet. Him and Robin were great. I even said the thing about, you know, a lot of people on Twitter saying white people need to sit this one out. And Robin was like, oh, give me a break. You know, like she even was like, and that was nice to hear. But I do, I do, when I hear that, when I see that, I go, okay, what's going on here? Like I need to maybe take a step back because I'm not the one to

tell white people that I'm not the one to tell me when I need to sit down. It's going on here like i need to maybe take a step back because i'm not the one to tell white people that i'm not the one to tell me when i need to sit down it's going to be someone who's not me so um what i said though was that ashley hesseltine had just written a tweet that said something like we just watched an entire room of people entire room of people just watch someone punch slap someone in the face, sit back down. And now he is on stage and they're giving him a standing ovation. And then I just wrote in quotes, you know,

above that. And I said, how did Weinstein get away with it for so long? Because that's everyone's question of like, everyone knew, not everyone's question, but people, whenever something like this comes out,

people knew how did it get away with? We just witnessed a room of people with their own eyes saw it happen this isn't rumor this isn't speculation this isn't like it literally happened yeah eyewitness reports passed down this is they all witnessed it and then i no one in that room i felt everyone just got on board and we're like it was crazy it was the most in denial thing was and i it just shows you the power of celebrity money greed if it were switched if chris rock had been the one to punch will smith he would have been pulled out it's about will smith was more famous and it's and you know even andrew this morning goes can you imagine if bradley

cooper would have punched Chris rock at the response? And I said, it would have been the same. He would have gotten away with it. Yes. There would have been a more of a race thing on the other side of it. But in that moment,

in that room, which is what we, what, which is what happens immediately following an assault is what is the legal thing. Like that. We just saw what happened. They let him get away with it.

Producers didn't pull him off set. There wasn't like a Jerry Springer, that guy come over. They fucking put more chalk on his hands. Bradley Cooper would have been allowed to because Bradley Cooper's more famous than Chris Rock. It becomes about fame and power and money. And that was so disgusting.

I joke that Chris Rock now has to slap someone less famous than him. And about 15 people I'm going to be getting punched in the face. I'm really excited. Earlier you said 18. I know. You're coming up in the ranks. I like that about you.

You're bringing yourself up. Hey, that was early in the morning. You know me. The tune will be 12. My last. When would you get slapped? I just want to take a couple more takes on this. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Yeah. That I just want to say is that also Will Smith is going through a Kanye thing. We have a lot of empathy for Kanye and I want to have empathy for Will Smith too, because he is not in the right state of mind to go so quickly from having so much fun and laughing at the very joke that you then punch someone over and everyone's going, why is that an excuse that, that he was laughing at first? You can take a while to get, get hurt by something just because you are laughing at a joke

doesn't mean that it can't hurt you later on. And I get that. I've laughed at things at first that I'm like, oh, wait, I didn't want to laugh at that. It was just, it was a knee-jerk response. You know when you trip on something and you get embarrassed and you start yelling, you get really angry?

That was what Will did. He got a look from his wife and he just, it was all, I have empathy for Will Smith in that moment. He had anger issues. He is seriously struggling. And then when you watched him get up and give that speech when he won for best actor,

if you look at it just a still image from that and you saw that outside of this context of him winning, you would say that man is very, very upset and sad right now. That was not a Joyce moment for him at all. He ruined his own moment. It, I really feel sad for him because that was not the reaction of someone that

is healthy in the mind. And so I don't like how Hollywood handled it, but I do have empathy for Will Smith in that, in that circumstance because anger got the best of him and he is not well he's not in I wouldn't surprise me if he goes to therapy later or to rehab uh either today or later this week um sorry I just wanted to get my uh kind of no I I'm just like thinking you know obviously his relationship has been in the news a lot about her she you know they're an open

relationship yes and that's that was a lot of people's tweet they're like oh you're mad about a joke but not her other people which i don't think those are connected but i do it's a good joke i liked ian had a joke that was like he can he lets his wife take a dick but he can't take a joke or something like i thought it was a good take my point clearly relationship open relationships are so healthy and i'm a i'm an advocate for open relationships open hand relationship that's good thanks um what was your favorite take just that one just your own no sagura just i just read one i mean he went a little uh edgy love it uh tom segura it just came up on my thing while I was looking for. He said, fuck Will Smith. This is simpler to what your point was about empathizing with him.

Fuck Will Smith's candy ass smacking a dude four inches shorter and 50 pounds lighter. He's just in his feelings because his bald headed bitch been fucking around on him for years and he takes it. We all know who he wishes he could slap wow hashtag cuck will wow i'm not saying wow uh in a real way but that is i'm impressed by that like i was on edge last night tweeting because i was so scared that i was gonna say something wrong that was gonna get me canceled i erased my i told sturt i erased my weinstein tweet because so many people were going like, and I go, how am I making this about myself?

Why is, that's not about, I haven't been raped. And I'm not saying that rape and slapping someone is the same thing. Who would ever think that? It's about ignoring a bad behavior. And Howard, I was really happy, read my tweet today when I was on with him. And he said, you know, I loved this one from Nikki. And this was my take that and I was like texting with Chris as this was happening. And Chris actually really helped me form a lot of these opinions and was the first to like kind of put them in my head.

So I want to give him credit. But I said tonight's Oscars prove that Hollywood is alive and well and well still doing what it does best protecting and celebrating disgusting behavior and that really because there's this whole thing of like is hollywood over a movie's over and it's like now everything's fine like we saw it we saw it in live time like live time and um it was just it just shows me this is the guy will smith who you know has a you know celebrity i got at one point where it's like he has a movie and they're bragging about the trailers they recommend and he's like he would have an indoor basketball court in his trailer i used one of his trailers one time what they have an indoor basketball court no no but i it was really nice and they

were like will smith has used this and it was like oh that's got the will step but i'm just saying i'm not saying that. I've always liked him. I'm just saying that this is a guy that hasn't been told no probably in a while. That joke was so stupid too. I know. G.I. Jane. He didn't know she had alopecia. Give me a fucking break. Chris Rock isn't going to make a joke about

someone. People are so stupid if they think comedians purposely take something that is like a really sensitive issue and make a joke of it he what he didn't know he always had really short hair and that's that's what he was making a joke about and will smith could have handled this in any other way slapping someone that is not an appropriate response you only resort to violence when you are defending yourself from a violent attack as well.

There's only time that it is okay. And what about the 100 jokes before that if we show Will Smith's face of him laughing? I loved Amy's jokes about all the couples there. Will Smith and Jada, Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz, Jake Gyllenhaal and Maggie Gyllenhaal. I thought that was amazing. And you could tell that Jake was a little bit like wanted to... Someone said like, you know, Jake almost did the same thing. Because this is the Oscars, dude.

You don't bring those jokes to the Oscars. We're not getting to all the best. Okay, Noah, what was your best take? Okay, my best take, real quick, is from someone, from Richard Marks, and he goes, hey professional comedians, be on notice.

From now on, you need to make sure your jokes don't offend people, especially extremely attractive, famous, and exorbitantly wealthy people. Yes. I thought that was really funny.

Yes. I do think that comedians need to be on alert. I have always been scared on stage. I was in Canada last year, and a man came up to the stage to take pictures and he looked so scary as he was approaching that I started like running away because I thought he was going to shoot me. So I think that people don't take jokes well. And especially if their wife is offended on their behalf, they know they're going to have to hear about that on the car ride home for the rest of their fucking lives it's gonna turn this big thing so they need to and they don't know how to mitigate how to like they know they need to do something and that's where it goes

wrong they they have to do something because they're gonna hear about it otherwise and they're gonna suffer because of their wife or the person that they're with is offended and that's where you need to have a plan when you go to a comedy show if something happens that offends you or the person you're with have a plan that isn't violence just have one in the back of your head because you're going to want to do something and violence is sometimes the easiest thing for a person unless you think through already um i i have been offended at comedy shows and i um i leave i leave surreptitiously so that it's not like i'm mad but then i just leave you slap the valley in the face then i make fun of them behind their back and i

tweet about it later or something you know like that's what you do um stavros had a pretty funny tweet he goes i think the most important yes the most important takeaway here is that comedians are in danger if will smith can slap chris rock at the Oscars, what is stopping a beloved millionaire whose brain has been scrambled by getting very publicly cucked from hitting me at a comedy club in a strip club? Yeah. Or a strip mall.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I have had... Like, what is going to happen? It's going to happen. Are people going to fucking feel like they can come up? People are saying that it's going to happen, and then some people are going, oh, yeah, comedians are now scared.

Mark my words. I said it today on Chris's radio show. i called into that when school shootings did not start happening until columbine this is the columbine thing i've been waiting to tell you guys it's not but like school shootings were not the way they are now it got so much press that that became the thing that people do it showed kids that there's a thing to do. And copycatting. We all know this happens. This is about to start happening in clubs. Comedy clubs need to get more security.

I'm going to have more security at my own shows from now on. And I am going to pull back a little bit because I don't want to get punched. I'm scared of my face skin being stretched. Honestly. I saw that still of Chris Rock's face being stretched. It looked like he was skydiving. If Nikki says something that offends

you, you come backstage and you slap me. I'm going to start bringing a person to slap with me on the road so that they can just get hit. Instead of an interpreter for sign language, which is what I should have learned from last night, is that I should have that on the stage with me all the time.

I'm going to just have a guy that you come up and slap. We got to get to final thought. Let's get into our worst takes because I have one that I thought was so stupid. There's a lot of worst takes going around. I asked actually my, my followers to send some, but page six,

you know, the gossip magazine tweeted this morning, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith's secret to 20 plus years of marriage. And there's a cute picture of them snuggling. They're fucking trolling. They know what they're doing. It says,

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith's secret to 20 plus years of marriage. Also, his son's tweet of this is how we do it or something like that. Jaden's tweet was also a stupid take um very ca um anyone else got a bad take i'm gonna look at our i have mine okay yeah no what's yours all right so basically like any take like this andrew kind of already mentioned it i'm not gonna read who this is because it's just someone who went viral chris rock is lucky all the other dudes bang and jada didn't rush the stage oh my god that was so funny

no i think i don't know i almost retweeted that one i thought it was i mean obviously that's not true but like can you it was just a funny take of having saying like okay they're in an open relationship if everyone that is like don't talk about my woman like that had that response yeah but i get um why why to you was that a bad take i just don't like that their relationship and their choices was brought into it when it's clearly an anger management issue right right that's it that to you as someone who's been to anger management you see this as a clear anger management issue 100 100 and then the whole crying and stuff i mean i think it's just like you know it must have all like hit him and stuff but usually when when people get so they get so angry and they get so out of control,

and then I think crying is like a mechanism for them to get the person who they hurt back on their side. Yeah, everyone was talking about how he was gaslighting us afterwards, saying like, you know, love made me do it. And then Denzel had told me, don't let the devil get you or whatever. And it's like, so Chris Rock's the devil. I just want to say also there was some this is a someone sent me a link to all the worst takes someone said um uh i'd say will smith hits like a girl but i'm no biologist that is from tim young what an idiot um uh yeah all the bad takes are

saying it's comparing it to trump it's comparing it to but i think that there's comparing it to Trump. It's comparing it to, but I think that there's something here to be gleaned of like power makes us turn the other way. Yeah. I, I wrote a thing on Instagram, just mostly about how Chris rock is going to turn this into making 35 million on Netflix. Yes.

And then I wrote like, I just was thinking of a pun of like what is special would be named. And I didn't see this anywhere. And I wrote fresh prints on my face of Bel Air. Oh, yes. Fresh prints. Yeah. Like prints like ham.

I saw that a lot. But I swear. Of course you didn't copy that. Someone. Can we. This is where I'm. Someone just sent me a bad tweet. And they said, what did the police find when they dusted Chris Rock's face?

Fresh prints. Oh, my God. So I feel I feel bad that it's not the perfect pun. But I was just trying to think of a pun. said what did the police find when they dusted chris rock's face fresh prints oh my god so i feel i feel bad that it's not the perfect pun but i was just trying to think of a pun someone called me out for stealing right in my comments and then when i go i explained how i wouldn't have stolen this right and then they go wow how can you come at me we got to stop this thing of like, if you comment on someone else's page and they respond to you, you can't then play the victim of being like, but I was just,

you're a public figure. Like you can't do that shit. And I'm sure it's happened with you where like people think they could just comment into the ether that you're not reading this. Yes. And then if you write back, you're then they go oh but you're so sensitive i was just joking or like yeah how can you come at me like that like it's like

you started it people who it's just it just blows my mind before it's come after someone and then when they write back i'm like oh they saw it so i get that mentality but we see we don't have that many followers someone this was a cool one sent in from facebook by one of um my followers someone said who do you think woke up this woke up with the worst headache this morning chris rock or me after 17 glasses of airport wine oh jesus christ rosebud did say that, Rosebud Baker, that we're all being dramatic thinking we'll now be hit on stage. That is great. But I will say that.

I still think I get what she's saying. Yes, comics can definitely be dramatic in these things and point it at ourselves. But people are dumb. Yes. People are fucking dumb dumb and they see that and they'll fucking copycat that shit. I've had people very angry at my shows

heckling me in ways that were- Someone brought a gun. What? Oh. To my show? Oh, I mean, yeah. Well, we don't really talk about that but I'm glad Andrew brought that.

Why? Because of Columbine. Yes. We'll talk about that later on the next show. Stay with us this week. We have shows all week. I'll be in New York for some of them, but tomorrow we'll be back here in St. Louis.

And you're on tour. And what? And you're on tour. And I'm on tour. Oh my gosh, don't forget I'm on tour very soon. Winnipeg, the murder capital of Canada, Vancouver, Austin, Irving, Texas, Houston, Philadelphia,

or not Philadelphia, I'm sorry. Where else? Florida. Oh, New Orleans, Philadelphia, or not Philadelphia, I'm sorry. Where else? Florida. Oh, New Orleans. New Orleans. New Orleans. Or Lauderdale. Jacksonville.

Jacksonville and Nashville. Tampa. So excited. Can we do that, though, with Howard Dean's voice? Oh, yeah! We're going improv. We're going Irvin. We're going Houston.

We're going Minneapolis. We're going to Winnipeg. We're going to... Yeah! going houston we're going to minneapolis we're going to winnipeg we're going to yeah all right guys yes if you don't know that reference um you are in your 20s uh and go google howard dean and why he lost election all right guys uh thank you for listening uh we'll see you later don't be cut and jay jack up uh chris rock's face oh god okay thank god you got one oh god