The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #196 We It Up

Episode Date: April 1, 2022

Nikki tells Andrew about what she has so far learned about stoicism. She's looking forward to helping PETA later and announced that she will be hosting E!'s GRAMMY Awards Pre Red Carpet show on Sunday. Andrew is excited to open up for David Spade while she is out of town. You Heard It Here First, Noa's headline gets Nikki to talk about a new bit that she is still working out. Andrew shares a behind the scenes conversation. They throw their two cents in about a country artist cancelling his show to go to a basketball game, listen to fun voicemails on the Fanthrax segment and in the Final Thought, Nikki shares another new bit!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. It's Thursday.

How's everyone doing? Andrew, Noah, I'm back in St. Louis. I'm in my apartment, our old apartment. I broke into the old apartment. you know that song yeah of course oh my god so good bare naked ladies i almost said three doors down for some reason same thing and no that's that's the how you get here oh you know what i was thinking about i didn't say it on the like two podcasts ago when we were i thought you were like i didn't say it on the tupac podcast oh you haven't heard about you? You guys missed that one.

You haven't heard about that? Well, we did Kanye. It's true. Should we just break down every 90s rap record? That would be a disservice to culture. I was thinking about rap today. Who was a rapper? Yeah, I was thinking about a rapper.

Culture with a K. And I was thinking, though, like it's so funny because rappers talk about you know how hard to struggle is when they come up they always brag about that and your friend came up with humble brag and i was thinking about that today where they go when they always go um you know i have no like new friends or like you you only want me because i'm so popular now really you're just bragging about it has nothing to do with these five guys that want cat i mean maybe a little bit yes but it's definitely a humble brag drinking every night because we drink to my accomplishments like yeah

i mean but they're straight up bragging bragging which i like i do like bragging different because you're being passive yeah like a Like a passive bragged, bragged. Braggadocious? I don't feel like that's the word, but fucking tubular, dude. It's hard to add docious to anything without. Why don't we start adding docious again? Docious is such, it's such a crunchy word. Hedgehog docious?

Hedgehog docious, lava lamp docious. Lava docious. If you guys. Lava lamp. If we've been getting complaints That the lava lamp looks sick And that it's not doing okay And honestly today I was like

When Noah was like Can you turn it on a little early Because people are worried about it I really felt like this This guilt That I'm not taking care of my lava lamp Like I'm not like Almost

The way I have a plant guilt I'm sorry to make it so dramatic There's one Yeah There's one yeah there's one leaf left on my fig tree that i got you know a year ago when i moved in and i feel so bad about it it reminds me of when i used to have hermit crabs and i just was too scared to feed them and they just all were like dying and i was just such like i will i carry that guilt with me the rest of my it's the worst

thing i've ever done is as a child because they were spiders what fig trees go through a cycle and they lose their leaves in december so it's okay it's just gonna be a little late and the other thing music wise we you saying come my lady come come remember it's kind of a joke a couple episodes ago yeah and i was uh i was getting my hair cut at like a cool barbershop whatever union barbershop shout out kind of for free because i threw it in there no i actually paid way too much but uh uh they started playing fred durst they started playing fred durst album you know chocolate starfish or whatever that was was it ironic no they well it was semi-ironic but then like a little bit of a throwback we're all making fun of it but then we all know the word so it's

like i think we do that a lot with songs that well why do we know all the work at one point we loved it they're earworms and they are catchy yeah but are they good yeah i think that some bad stuff can be good wait is this like the humblebrag thing of like shitting on it but actually liking it kind of thing yeah so it's like saying the opposite of what you actually mean yeah yeah and it took like four songs of me going i know every word to this album there was one part of me when i was in high school going through shit where i was saying you know you know when i't it be nice if I could touch your butt? Like George Michael, but like hardcore.

Oh my God. So you actually, but you liked it at one point. Yeah, I guess I did. So it was never ironic for you until adulthood. Well, when I was getting my haircut, I was pretending like it was ironic because I didn't want it. Yes, but you knew everything.

What album is that like that for you? I guess all Dave Matthews, but I don't. Maybe like Billy Joel, like in the middle of the night. what album is that like that for you i guess all dave matthew but i don't i want maybe like billy joel like in the middle of the night but i was like fourth grade loving that song or i mean i don't know like i've i tend to tend to stand by the things that i like loved early on because my brain wasn't developed yet so So of course I loved, like your, that Fred Durst album was like baby shark, you know,

like we're not going to like make fun of kids for like, you love baby shark. You're like not good at music. Cause you thought that song was good. It's like you, you were a child then, but then it comes on later and you're like baby shark, fuck that.

And then after nine baby sharks, you're like, Oh, let's get back to that. Like just being just kid like, insincere, and, like, trying to be kid. Like, I have to, like, I have to constantly fight that urge

to try to look cooler than I am. Like, in so many ways. I mean, like, cleaning up the house, even, like, when people come over, I'm like, is that insincere? And it's like, no, that's just like wanting people to feel comfortable and not feel like icky in my place.

And that's not about me being like, I hope they think I'm clean. It's just like, I want them to be comfortable. And I think that's more the motivation of that. But then even that I question of like, you know, that's on the,

on the upcoming reality show um welcome home nikki glazer question mark on e exclamation point starting may 1st is that your password that is so funny there's always i i mean i'm watching hulu but i've i've been dying to write a joke about making new passwords and they're like it's not enough like you've used that one before or whatever and you're like god damn it and you're like I'm sorry I just don't want to get excited about my dead dog anymore because it's always like Simon yeah like where was your first dog born or what who is the name of your first dog which is obviously dead oh yeah those questions yeah well I had the joke about the maiden,

what your mom's maiden name. The other questions are who's your favorite teacher? That one is always going to be the same answer for me. Sometimes you get to pick your question. How long is your dad's cock? Always going to be the same answer for me. Soft or hard. It's tough.

I just have to ask my favorite teacher. It reminds me that she knew. That's why she was my favorite. Got good grades. ask my favorite teacher. It reminds me that she knew. That's why she was my favorite. Got good grades. Dad did his work. Hey, you liked her then. You like her now. Wait, what were we talking about right before that?

Cuh-ness. Cuh-ness. Oh, this is the thing. Being cuh, like looking away in front of a fucking Bugatti, it gets rewarded. It gets rewarded. So when does kuh and cool – That's why we need kuh as a word to – like humblebrag, we need it to spread so that people get shamed for being kuh. And what it's not – it's not about – it is about shaming, but it's about just be yourself.

It's okay to be not cool. And it's okay to say that I'm trying to look cool. Like there are times where I put a picture on Instagram where – you know, I've talked about this before where I look so not myself. I'm really done up. There's – you know, maybe someone sent it to me and it's already been filterized or whatever. It's been edited and I have spray tan on and fake eyelashes and the lighting is amazing and it's just like it's hard for me to

post those with like a genuine thing sometimes instead of going like this isn't really what it you know like just some just don't be care about it just be like this is me trying yeah it's okay that's a taylor swift oh yeah this is me yeah i'm thinking. It's okay to try. That's a Taylor Swift lyric. Oh, yeah. This is me. Yeah. I'm thinking of a different song. But yeah, a lot of people that do that shit, that KISS stuff, they know it.

It's not like a lot of these people are unaware. I like the guys that own it. Garrett from FBoy Island. My buddy Gianni does. He owns it from the show Power. Yeah, he wears those. You were talking about the shirts he wears. He wears a $90,000 outfit and it looks like this.

You can only wear it once. It has one thing on the shoulder and you can't even see it. But you can't wear that again. That's why I don't like trendy, really fashion you get tons of compliments on. I don't like to, or that really catch the eye or very, just so cool. I don't like to spend a lot of money on those because you can really only wear them once or post a picture of them once. And it's not like you can't wear them again,

but it's just those guys, I know Gianni probably never repeats an outfit. I mean, he wouldn't do it on the gram. He also gets given a lot of free shit so who knows what is even his at that point either like i know he has one porsche yeah but then he's standing in front of a ferrari i'm like did you buy another fucking ferrari i'm getting into stoicism stoic like stoic uh like you know philosophers i'm really early on reading about it it's i'm reading this book called have you ever been late on what have you like i love everything you come across you're like i'm early

on in this like you've never been like i'm nine books in and i'm really understanding it now i will never talk about something because i've never gotten nine books i know i haven't either no i'm learning uh i'm reading how to think like Roman Emperor. And it was a book that was recommended to me. Well, after that picture I posted the other day on Instagram, after that audition I had, I was like, I'm really feeling this. I was reading in the subreddit books where people talk about books and recommend books. There was one question one day that was like,

what's a book that's changed your life and really changed who you are? And I just got so many book ideas from that and i've always kind of wanted to get into stoicism because it kind of is in line with pretty much you know a lot of um recovery program stuff and it's a lot about it's just good principles it's very simple it's you would love it i was thinking of you so much like i'm a third grader well i can i can i can explain it like i'm five okay and i'll pretend i'll pretend like you're yeah yeah yeah but then you're talking to an elder there's a there's a yeah there's a subreddit that's like explain like i'm five and the person's asking like will you explain it like i'm five and i'm like no but i'll explain it like i'm five. Okay, so there's these guys that Marcus Aurelius was the emperor of Rome. That's the same voice you used to imitate me, by the way.

Okay, so, yes. Marcus AVR. Or. I know. It was a joke. Marcus Aurelius had one chicken and a brown chicken. Okay, no, but for real, what is this? For real, from what I can glean from it, it is about a way of life.

I'm so early into this guy's book. I'm not judging. I'm not judging. I want to say that if you read this book it is really dense up top but i think it like it it was recommended to me by a bunch of like people on like not to me but like on this thread it said that this is the book to read to like the layman's way of understanding stoicism and then there's also a guy that does the daily stoic and has written tons of books. Sam Harris has a lot of conversations.

Yeah. Yeah, Sam Harris is a, this is all very like Sam Harris as well. Yeah, okay. For one sentence. What I like about it, no, it's not pretentious. There's like philosophy back in when Stoicism

was like coming to be. There were cynics. There were also like like there was all these different thought like schools of philosophy and like ways of life and a lot of them uh rhetoric was like the biggest thing to learn back in marcus aurelius when he was a young boy and uh being kind of like uh groomed to become the emperor there what the the trendiest thing to do was like rhetoric and to do debates and to be the most intellectual and it's very like anti-intellectual honestly it's just they think

i was thinking of you yesterday when i was reading it because they don't like flowery language break everything down to its simplest form you don't need to know five different words for the meaning of the word like you don't and then the guy that wrote this book how to think like a roman emperor is a uh psychiatrist who loves cbt uh which is not the cbd not not the oil that guys on instagram are selling but it's um cognitive behavioral therapy which noah was talking about to me one day which is like you have these thoughts it's basically like um breaking your realizing that your thoughts are what drive your emotions and your emotions are not what drive your thoughts and that to be the best human being that you can be it's about your character and it's not about wealth it's not about your character is everything and any

pursuit of anything else and a little bit of stoicism i don't like which i'm reading about and i hope they kind of like find a way to make it work it's really about not ever indulging in anything too much everything is moderation like very simplistic ways of dressing no flowery language like just avoiding the pleasures of life, not indulging too much ever, which is like the way I do my life. But it is true, like moderation, you can have everything you want in life if you just do it moderately. It's just, it harms you when you go too much. But I really like that they're saying everything that you want to communicate can be done very simplistically and that intellectuals often alienate.

And it's everything about stoicism, from what I can tell, is about not being ca. And just being like and accepting. Like yesterday, I'm on this flight that is shaking crazy because we had crazy wind in St. Louis and I'm landing and the flight's going crazy. And I'm reading this part in the book about um let me just read this part that I'm reading about Roman Empire's flying on Delta wasn't no but listening to you I I love this because I do think when people talk with big words and stuff they're trying to no one's going to question them because no one wants to feel dumb it's like

when a finance guy talks in a bunch of random numbers and you're like oh i must give him my money he seems to know everything but you don't want to question him either because you don't want to seem stupid yes but back to your emperor thing though of like just focusing on character and not all that other shit but if you have all that other shit given to you then you can easily focus on character you know what i mean like i feel like sometimes the struggle it's hard to just focus on your character when your environment doesn't allow you to because does that make sense like like all the other stuff distracts yeah all the well like needing money needing food needing all that like you gotta do whatever you can yes so if

you're a king you're kind of you got that in abundance so it's like oh i don't even need to focus their thing is that you can have at any level whether you're a beggar on the street all the way up you can have you can still practice good character which will lead to all those i guess maybe lead to all those things but i was reading this thing and it was about how they were talking about this guy that was on a uh ship and it was he everyone on the ship thought they were going to die and this guy that was a stoic on the ship um was terrified at first like they said he like all the um color drained out of his face and that they afterwards and he didn't do he was just and then he was just calm and the ship

captain afterwards said like what was going through your like everyone else was freaking out what was going on and he realized and i'm on this plane that is like going nuts okay and i'm usually very calm in those situations anyway because i'm like me going like this is not going to change what is going to happen right now and that is what stoicism is about. It's like your anxiety is not, your worry is not going to change the events. It's nothing's going to, your heart rate going up, all these things.

We as animals cannot help when something scares us. So they were given an example. When a deer is like grazing in the meadow and they hear a loud noise, they quickly, like everything in them makes them alert and they like kind of sprint off. And then as soon as that danger is gone, they just go back to grazing just as they were before whereas humans because we think we have cognitive abilities to have this brewing in our head when

we're the deer and we get spooked we have that initial thing which is like a normal bodily response that we can't help but then we go it could still be there it's after it's gone we still have it reverberating through us and that's why this guy in the ship at first he was terrified and then he was very calm because he's like me keeping this terror going and telling me myself the story that i'm gonna die everything's gonna like that is not helping the situation and very well i couldn't die there's a very good chance that i'm not gonna die so yesterday i'm on this plane i'm like what the hell like i'm about to die and i was like this is prepared this is all coming together to prepare me to accept my death it was really wild but i just i was able to stay very calm and i just i'm really excited to get more into it and i know i'm

butchering the principles of this as i speak And some people are probably like screaming at their. Look, if they're stoic, they could handle it. That's exactly true. Yeah. Whatever the storm that you just heard. Yeah. Shaking turbulence. Turbulence. Turbulence.

Let's take a break and get back with the news. Right. So wait, did you land fine? Yeah, everything was fine. But then we landed and waited 40 minutes on the tarmac, which is just so upsetting. Unless you are sitting next to a woman who has a baby and the baby throws up all over the woman then you go you know what i'm all right that's what happened to me she this baby drenched her in vomit like and it was probably like a less than a year old baby. And it drenched her in vomit. Like she was on that.

Like a game show? Like Nickelodeon? Yes. Like I picture Alanis Morissette in the Canadian version of that game show or whatever it is. Or like Carrie but with puke. It was white puke and it was everywhere. And I was so mad about this delay until I looked over and saw her trying to like scramble to find napkins. And I'm trying to help.

I don't have anything. And I just like I'm all right I got like I could this this is a worse situation it was nice to just be reminded that I don't need to have kids anytime soon yeah all right let's come back with uh the news 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year it's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year,

offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio appays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the

same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we've had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to

mini questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model.

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works in it's not just me we're an army in comparison to him listen to the bunny trap on the iheart radio appio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community and I made my way back. This season, join me on

my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. We're going to get to the news in a second. I have a shoot with PETA later on today. Oh, really? I forgot about it. I got back in town.

I flew five out of seven of the last days. And I have two days in town until I leave. Again, I'm doing the Grammys. Everyone should watch the Grammys on Sunday on E. I'm going to be in the pre, the countdown to the red carpet for the Grammys. So I'm not even at the red carpet. I'm in the two-hour countdown to the red carpet to the Grammys. I'm going not even at the red carpet. I'm in the two-hour countdown to the red carpet to the

Grammys. I'm going to be in the last half of it. I'm going to be making jokes about what people are wearing and just trying to talk about Taylor Swift. Not to just like... Sometimes people just watch for that. Joan Rivers was... Totally. Yeah, so, you know. I'm happy to do it. I don't get to go to the Grammys.

I have to leave immediately after. Time out. You're going to LA tomorrow? No, I'm going to Las Vegas. I don't get to go to the Grammys. I have to leave immediately after. Time out. You're going to LA tomorrow? No, I'm going to Las Vegas. That's where the... Oh. Am I saying it right? Vegas. Because I used to say Vegas.

I think you said lost. Well, I'm feeling it. So you're going there and then you're coming right back? No, I'm going to LA after that. I'm there for a week of press. And then I go to Winnipeg on Friday. Meet you there. I'll be well rested.

Vancouver. Jesus Christ. I'm sorry, Vancouver. Vancouver, which is French for van cover. It's French for an old tarp you put on your van. And I'm going to be there on Saturday. And then after that, I come back here, I think. But I might be going to

new york city after that new york city the big apple yeah but today in st louis i thought i had two days off but i have a shoot for pita with luigi and possibly marion what are you gonna wear i read the script and it's a little bit like i just pita needs some help to be a little less yeah every vegan kind of animal rights group needs to i want to help i always give len my voice because i feel like what they're doing it's working because it got through to me but on some level we need to get through without being such um like just talking down and like lecturing people about like you need to eat healthier. Like I know as someone that's struggled with eating stuff like it doesn't work like that.

People don't care. People still smoke cigarettes even after we see lungs that look disgusting and you know you can die of cancer. Like people don't care. It's been proven that does not dissuade anyone. My dad didn't quit smoking until he lost his mother to lung cancer like it takes like something more than that i love norm mcdonald's joke of like hey you ever seen a one of those lungs that's uh you know from a smoker's body ah disgusting you ever see one of those uh lungs from a healthy body

disgusting because it's all disgusting it's almost like circumcised penises and penises the other night we were talking about those it was like yeah i mean i've never i've never encountered face to face a uncircumcised penis but i'd get used to it you know like it's a circumcised penis is not like something that I'm like, Oh, Hey John. Like it's that even that is like, yikes. And a hard uncircumcised is a penis. Yes. So how many soft penises are you really staring at?

I was thinking of like coming up with a device that gives men a little cap to put on their penis. If they're circumcised to like, because you guys have less sensitivity, a little turtleneck for the penis. Well, you guys have more, you guys have less sensitivity like a little turtleneck for the penis well you guys have more you guys since it's been rattling around and it's exposed it's like if we had our clits out all the time we have a hood over them which is like what you have and so i was thinking of like you know on candles when they have those little caps that like snuff them out i want a

little thing for a penis to protect it so that you have more sensitivity when you do decide to like play with it because all day it's rattling around and you you lose sensitivity when i wear high waisted pants and i have like something gnawing back and forth like flossing my clit all day i have less sensitivity later on that makes sense i maybe you could just i don't know part of me thinks you can pull the skin over your penis, even if you are circumcised. Get just a little rubber band, but like a gentle rubber band. Yeah. You know, some of these rubber bands these days, when you put over your cock, it just hurts too much.

Yeah. You know? I like that you see an opening for the market, like where there's this need. Yeah. Hey, sharks. Hey, sharks. Hi, I'm Andrew.

That's Nikki. I'm not a part of this pitch. Oh. We should have talked about this before you showed up um i i did think about it would be i don't this is funny this is very dark but like you know how women are always like have you ever seen an uncircumcised penis like i have you know we're always like talking about like oh my gosh what is it and um i was thinking about they're like men in like Rwanda talking about like,

did you see that girl? She's like uncircumcised. Like her vagina like, oh, it's disgusting. Oh, like in Saudi Arabia or something where they cut the clits off. Yeah, I mean, I don't know where they cut clits off

but they don't cut clits off. They like, I guess they do clitorectomies. Yeah, they do. Yeah, okay. But it's like female circumcision. They leave the hood. Could you imagine? female circumcision. They leave the hood. Could you imagine?

That'd be even sadder. It's like, oh God. I used to have a head in here. Oh my God. To have your vagina clipped off when you're a young girl is just so fucking terrible. And then to have no anesthetic

or anything like that a lot of the times it's just it's the worst thing ever. With that said, let's get to the news. Look, at least a guy has an excuse. Oh yeah, because they're a baby. No, they're like, now find a

like we're always, oh you can't find a but they don't have one so it's like, oh now everything is. Yeah, well I can't find it because he threw it away somewhere and burned it in a fire as like a sacrifice. I'm sure you could buy another one on Amazon. Alright, it's the news. You heard it here first. somewhere and burned it in a fire as like a sacrifice. I'm sure you could buy another one at Amazon. All right. It's the news.

You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, boy. It's Thursday, folks. You know what that means. It is Thursday. The weekend's coming, and maybe I will as well.

Probably not. All the swells. You'll be opening for David Spade. Oh, yeah. I thought you were going to be there. That's why I'm confused. Yeah. On Saturday. No, I'm not going to be there. That's why I'm confused. Yeah. On Saturday.

No, I'm not going to be there. Clean. 10 minutes clean. Yeah. I can do it. Easily. Yeah. Easily.

I think changing to words I have to do. Yeah. It's like- When you write that, though, to me, I did get nervous. I go, do I have? I know. I did the same thing. And then I remember I've done The Tonight Show five times. and it's like i can't say pussy on the tonight show unless i'm saying oh i was

such a pussy do you ever know weird that's one of my favorite pat and oswald things is like you can go on tv and say if you're saying you're pussy if i'm saying my vagina is afraid i can say my pussy is such a pussy and it'll go my ble my bleep is such a pussy. And if your dick, if your penis is being an asshole, you can be like, Andrew, your dick is a dick. And it would go, your bleep is a dick. And it wouldn't bleep the second one. So stupid. Okay, what's the first news story, Noah?

According to new relationship research, those we memories serve essential bonding functions between romantic partners so it's worth sharing old memories with your partner i love that we memories like we like us like we did it together yep you gotta be dating a little while to kind of go into the old bucket i don't know i don't know some couples like come up with an inside joke right away to start nurturing. I think that because there's it's so yeah, it's it's yeah, like I like that except that I don't know.

There is something about trying to think of like we I actually have a joke right now. I'm writing about the word we it's so weird that you picked that story because it's about when I was single and like would be flirting with a guy and I would not want to know if he had a girlfriend or not because it's just like I remember I was there that day

that lunch we were there we were there together oh my god Andrew this is like helping our relationship to remember. But just like, I don't want to ruin the joke because it's like my newest bit and I'm really excited about it,

but it's just about, it doesn't matter. Besties will understand if they hear it here first. I mean, I think it's funny to like, you make sure he never gets to that part of the conversation. Oh yeah. I mean, like I was avoiding it because you as a girl or guy,

when you were flirting with someone you're having a really good time and it's back and forth for me it's like orgasming like i never want it to i love i love the flirtation i love the idea of like what could this be and when you find out someone has a significant other it ends all of that fun and there was this point with this person where it was like i really like was like the crush is there this is gonna it's gonna hurt when i find out and i actually have old notebooks from you and i this person was like with an earshot i think of us and you me and someone else were writing a notebook and i wrote i i kind of don't want to know and i see it all

the time in this notebook that says like I'd rather honestly not know because it's so much fun that like it's probably I would rather just like live in this fantasy because honestly having a crush for me is so exciting not just being around them and flirting with them but like

when I go to sleep at night I'm like fantasizing about what it could be I the only way I can fantasize is if the thing is like on the horizon if i can't fantasize about things that like i'm not you know being interviewed by david letterman in the shower unless i'm like oh letterman's kind of interested in having you on you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah yeah so i just like you feel like letterman is available to you yeah the idea like the idea of me thinking letterman's gonna come to my house in arizona that i don't own yes to a ranch today he has to probably fly in and then ride a cow why are you in arizona for this hey i got off the grid that's how famous i got

you were fantasizing about getting off the grid and you're in florida yeah so but like i remember saying but but wait let's remember this story because it's so funny. Oh, I know it well. And maybe you'll help me with the bit a little bit because I was like. On the beach? Yeah, dude. Yes.

So it was at a point where I kept saying to Andrew, like my crush level was, I was giving it a four point scale. And I was like, my crush level is like a one right now where it's like, this has potential. Out of five or 10, let's just. Oh no, it was five actually. It was out of five. I remember giving it oh no it was five actually it was out of five i remember giving it that i remember a couple days prior it was like

it's now at a two which is like this is not if it ends up being like something that's not going to happen i can live with it and then i remember that morning when it was like i had been around this person enough and they had not taught they had like purposefully avoided mentioning anything about their home life and I know this person didn't have a ring on that finger at least so I was like maybe they have a girlfriend but I don know. And I just don't want to know. I just don't want to know, you know? And then he did have nine promise rings on. So then I remember that day, that morning, I was like, you guys, it's at a four.

Like, there's no turning back. Like, it's going to be today is going to make it a five because we were spending a lot of time together that day. And I was like, fuck. Like, I'm and I'm just like, I just have a feeling there's someone because there's just a blank. There's a blind spot in all of the stories that we tell each other and like the things we talk about. Very vulnerable. I'll give him that.

What do you mean? That's why you fell for this guy, because he was very honest and open about everything else. Yes. Yes. Yes. And just like an owning who he seemed to own who he was very honest and open about everything else yes yes yes and just like and owning who he it seemed to own who he was very confident um very um just what did it and also a thing that i get attracted to early on with someone is that they are amused by me but it's not like overly and they're just kind of like all right like they're just they don't try to act too cool like they don't think i'm funny but they aren't falling over like cracking back he held in a lot there to look cooler than he felt inside oh yeah i mean i was

and i was constantly trying to get him to like laugh and like to fuck with him and it was just and like roasting him and shitting on him and that's another thing i do i think is a test to be like is this guy confident like can i fuck with him and see if he just like lets it slide and like can laugh at himself because that's an attractive quality that someone doesn't get offended about like little like i wasn't being cruel maybe i was but um sorry we gotta get to the news so anyway i remember that day because i was avoiding this so much i was almost avoiding talking to the person because i was but um sorry we got to get to the news so anyway i remember that day because i was avoiding this so much i was almost avoiding talking to the person because i was so scared that someone else was going to bring up something that would make him reveal this thing that i just had a

feeling about and then we were sitting smoked a little doobie oh did we yeah we had a little dude oh yeah i cried about my mom that oh that was an hour before that. And you're placing it too much, dude. We're on the beach. Shut up! Shut up! And so he goes, we were talking about pets. And I was like, uh-oh, we got to get out of this conversation. It reminded me of being a child.

And I knew Santa wasn't real. But I was lying to my parents to pretend that I still believe so that my sister could still have it. She's younger. And I remember my parents wanting to watch SNL one night. And I was so scared because I knew SNL was an adult program that they might reveal Santa wasn't real. It was around Christmas. So I was just doing anything to be like, oh, let's do let's play. Sorry, let's play Monopoly.

And they're like, we're going to watch SNL. We always watch it. And I was just like, I don't want her to find out accidentally. Like I was trying to protect her and that was that conversation for me which was like stop bringing up things about our home lives like i don't want to know i'm living in this fantasy where this person is like available and then someone brought up animals and someone goes do you have any pets and the person goes yeah we have a dog and i was just like that we like andrew felt it i felt it and i just looked at each other remember we looked at each other and we're like there it is and i was like please

be a 45 year old man with a roommate or living with his mom please god please god i was dying for i was like is there maybe he lives in a cult commune. Like I will take, maybe he's at the Scientology Center. I'll take anything over a girlfriend. And then shows me the, shows up, pulls up, do you have a picture of it? And I am like quiet because I don't want to like reveal that I'm, because honestly, as every right to have a girlfriend, I'm just a little bit sad because I had gone in my head. I fantasized too much and now I'm like, like kind of sad, but I don don't want him to know he had no idea i had a crush on him at all and um and i don't want him to know that i'm upset or that it because it doesn't affect me it's like i shouldn't be upset but i don't i

forget so i'm like nikki how do you act when someone has a girlfriend that you don't like like what would you you just be like oh you have a like punch him in the arm i was trying to remember how to respond and then he pulls up a you have a girl. Punch him in the arm. I was trying to remember how to respond. And then he pulls up a picture of his dog with his girlfriend in the picture and him. And he hands it to me. And I remember just going like, oh. Like, I didn't say anything. Like, normally I'd go, oh, my God, she's so pretty.

Like, who is that? And that's what I obviously I would have said had I seen that picture in any other circumstances. Because she was pretty. They did look adorable. I would have said had I seen that picture in any other circumstances because she was pretty. They did look adorable. I would be like, what's the story there? But instead I was just like, oh. And then like. Yeah, I kind of remember that.

But I remember just like how does a normal person. Cool dog. Oh, my God. Which one were you talking about? I am. Shots fired. Not shots fired. I mean, that's just me being a dumb joke.

Woman drowned. So. Shots fired. Woman drowned. Woman drowned. So. Shots fired, woman drowned. Santa drowned. Beach. Mom cried. Ham drip. So anyway, I have this whole joke now about we.

It was. No, I like that. And I'm starting to explore like having this. I'm starting to explore something on stage that I never thought I'd talk about, which is like when you fall for someone in a relationship yeah and like how to deal with that

I think people it reminds me yeah I think that's I did it at the cellar this weekend dude it's so I'm so excited about it because it's so honest and open and people will be mad at you there'll be some people mad at you but you know what fuck their boyfriends that's what i said

worse comes to worse well i have so much to say about this obviously on stage so come see me work all this out and honestly like the way i'm talking about this on stage is um really i like trust the audiences not to put it out because it's like i'm revealing things that i wouldn't put out there yet because it's sensitive so if you come see me on tour you'll see a very like you're gonna hear a story that i'm not telling anywhere else and i'm um like i really appreciate people coming and and i just want to treat you know this live comedy experience of something like this is special this only happens here like kind of like chris rock last night everyone's like what's he gonna say about will smith he was at the the um beacon where we're or wilbur the wilbur where we're gonna be in boston um for two shows coming up in may i believe um but yeah he he said i'm not ready to talk about it yet which i that's the way i felt about this

thing smart it's you need time to process it he needs time to process and he you get in this business you know that people want that so you don't give it to them right well wouldn't that be i think if he was ready to talk about he would give it to them but these things take time like i remember this situation i'm talking about on stage now i remember saying you know this is going to be a part of my act like telling the you know everyone in my life at that time like i can't wait to like spin this into something because this is just such a thing well i remember when it happened you told you would reiterate the story almost word for word then but you were so close to it that i just remember here and now you have like perspective on it yeah it's like so long that I just like.

It was very raw then. And if you tried to do it, then it would have been too raw. And it would have been too meaningful to you, like too emotional, I think. Yeah, I was too angry about it. And it's just, you need time to, I honestly don't think we'll hear about it

for like a year from Chris Rock. Like it might take that long because these things are so traumatic. The audience, you need to make your audience comfortable when you're still when you're telling the story of something and if the audience senses that you still have an anger like stand up with anger or sadness is or sadness they start to pity you and so it just has to be the right time to talk about it and i'm just starting to feel it out and it was in a lot of times people

are like why don't you ever talk about your anorexia on stage and it's like well I didn't because I was still dealing with an eating disorder in a different way and it was just not I was it was too sad to me still because I was still struggling with it all those years and it's now been two years it'll come up on two years April 26th of me like not starving myself not eating in bed not b binging and not exercising to lose weight. And I think now only two years after that, I can start like maybe making jokes about that experience, but it takes that long. And let's take a break and come back with why do I care? Sports. Oh. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year.

It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending,

or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics entertainment sports and more joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and

contributors and with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else ready to laugh and stay informed listen on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we have had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister

of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful.

I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist journalist when a group of models from the UK wanted my help I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry I really wanted to be a player boy model lingerie, topless I said yes please because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator you know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it.

He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts i started to live a double life when i was a teenager responsible and driven and wild and out of control my head is pounding i'm confused I don't know why I'm in jail.

It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls, and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community, and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery, a story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Duda Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Can I just give a little behind the scenes? Yeah. Would this be on the recording? Do you want it to be or should I take it out? No, no, no. It's nothing.

I got engaged to – no. I'm just kidding. No. It's funny that if we talked about new season, we're doing five different – No, no, no. I loved it. I think – I like this. I'm trying my best.

But let me tell them. Yes. So Nikki sits me down. We're doing some new things. We're doing five boom boom boom right after a bat i think did we do one story there honestly you took that music underneath if i heard music underneath it would make me motivated to so i'm i like it i like i'm not saying it's bad trying i think it's really funny last night i was watching what was i watching last night oh tyler henry um this new netflix show where he talks to dead people and under i realize like when you're watching netflix

with the captions on it's so funny because these idiots just tell you exactly how manipulative music is because the captions will be like eerie music dramatic music yeah yeah music that makes you cry and you're like no you guys describe it in a different way that doesn't make you sound so manipulative music will motivate you i want to start doing something kind of fun with the show where we try to do a segment that's like really light-hearted or we try to do a segment that's really sad with upbeat music or like we we we play with music underneath it i'm shaking my head because i was literally no way i swear on my life i was gonna just i was working on a tiktok or whatever like a video yeah because all these guys it's like the

saddest music and it's just my wife left until you watch three years ago with the subtitles but it says that it says sad music i know underneath until you start watching it where it says sad music you forget how manipulative and how it cues you to go this is sad what they're talking about music is so important in movies and like that's why when they cut like the sound from the oscars and the awards for that that's all movies are is that shit if you just listen to a show without that's why podcasts are so fucking vulnerable because when you're on the radio you always have a bed. You always have these things that are helping you. That's why stand-up is so vulnerable.

Music helps you tell your story and that's why it would be really interesting to start playing with it. Let's get to our weekly sports moment. Oh man, thrilled. You got a basketball in your hand. Tell me about it. It's Spalding. Well, I'll do it for Andrew.

I'll say Andrew's weekly sports moment. Oh, yeah, that's right. Sorry, I forgot. I haven't looked at you for this yet. All right. Fans were furious when country star Eric Church canceled his San Antonio concert so that he can attend a Final Four game of the NCAA men's basketball tournament, also known as March Madness.

So he has a show. I got it. He's from North Carolina. I got it. UNC is playing Duke. Say no more. Can I read the statement he sent on his newsletter? I would love to hear how he presented this. I think he said, fuck my fans. So he calls his

besties, like the equivalent of his besties, the choir. Church head? Where are they? The choir? The choir, yeah. Preach, church, choir. So he goes, this is also the most selfish thing I've ever asked the choir to do,

to give up your Saturday night plans with us so that I can have this moment with my family and sports community. Honestly. I love it. I don't care. I think it's, I, when these fans go like,

would you want to go see Eric Church if the whole time he's performing for you, he's like resenting that he's there and thinking about this game. I want to see artists when they want to be there. That's why like, that's why I bring Andrew. That's why I bring Anya.

That's why I bring a meal on the road is because I want, I want to honor my fans by being in the best mood possible for them because if I'm just alone in a weird city, I'm not going to be happy and I'm going to be thinking about other things. I'm just going to be, I want my art.

I want Taylor Swift if she wants to go do something else on the night that I'm going to go see her. I would rather her do that than me watch her like suffer through a show that she's not present for i guess the on the only word that i have trouble saying um is not true is turbulence and daring and regular others yeah um martha really is um uh martha really is so funny so So funny. So, cooking show. Stoic. Stoic?

No, what I was going to say is you can return tickets for the show, but the plane tickets, what do you do about that? Eric Church reimbursed people that show a receipt to plane tickets. That's what I'm saying. That's exactly what I would do. I've reimbursed people on Venmo who didn't enjoy my show that i found on reddit like i that cost you millions i've said after shows i'm honestly i will have to work the rest of my life to pay back those debts but i if i were him this is what i would do if say like taylor swift was playing and she invited me backstage i would say to my fans the same thing like I'm not gonna lie to you guys I am gonna do this thing

because otherwise I would be thinking about this thing and I just and you know what's gonna happen I'm gonna come back to town and I'm gonna do a weekend of shows here that are going to be free to the people that have already have tickets and you're going to get double the shows. I'm going to bring a special guest that I will pay that person out of my money. I would pay for having this excuse and I would give those people who spent money with their plane tickets and the time they took away or the kids that are... I would

reimburse all of that because you have to pay to do the things you want in life. He's not paying for those tickets. We know for the game. He's not paying for this. It's not the the game oh no he's not paying for this this he has to it's not that he has to suffer but the people he has to give them something in return and honestly if i were one of those fans i would be fucking psyched at what i'm gonna get in return because the next time he comes to town whether or not the tickets are free it's gonna be

an amazing show i just love that next time he comes to town he's like look this is weird we did not expect them to get this far again. Okay. Like we thought last year was a one shot deal. My daughter has a recital tonight. Here's the thing though. The crossover of country music fans and UNC Duke basketball fans. They get it. Or just fans of sports.

They get it. I think they're called sports fans. Tobacco Road. It's like a whole thing. You're in the South. What's something that could get you, when you're opening for David Spade on Saturday night, is there something that would make you, if someone goes, hey dude, I have last minute tickets to this.

Here's a thing you get to go do. Is there anything that could get you to cancel that? Because there's nothing else I love more than listening to myself do well. With the funniest person alive. But maybe if I was Eric Church. If I was David Spade maybe in that situation, there could be something. Yeah, because your David Spade moment is actually the thing that would get you to cancel on something else. Yeah, that makes sense.

All right, let's get to Fan Thrax. It feels like it's been so long. I want to hear from the fans. It does feel like forever. Avi sounds angry today. Yeah. He does it every morning. Oh, God.

He needs a little bit of stoicism. He actually reads stoicism and stuff. I bet he does. He's into it. My mom loves Avi, by the way.

I was talking to her about you and Avi. Aw. We had dinner together. And she's like together and have you have you met Avi and I go yeah and she goes I didn't know that you had met him he they are so cute they are I love them and she was even saying Noah when like you guys all hung out together because I was talking about it recently with her in Chicago I got to go out to dinner with my parents after the Wilco thing was such a great dinner but talk to them about their Arizona trip and talk to her about like hanging out with you like more

like we got to sit down and talk about it and um she was like you know I was thinking it was going to be awkward because I don't really know her this is like and her boyfriend and she was like Noah is so cute she brought us a gift she was so lovely we couldn't wait to hang out with them again we are going to hang out with them again we are going to hang out with it like she was like an avi and they are just so cool you are so lucky to have these people in your life you attract the best people thank you for including them it was just it was awesome to hear that that's when i'm like tearing up i don't know if you could tell through the screen that's your parents are so sweet and I had a wonderful time with them.

I really am so lucky to have my parents. I have just now gotten to this place of like, I won the fucking lottery with them and everything that I am and have achieved is 100% due to the way they raised me and how cool they are. Seeing them interact with the Tweeties and being like,

God, they are not embarrassing. They make me look look cooler they are so fun they're great storytellers they your dad is such a good storyteller sometimes they have great stories that don't go on too long they're just funny i just anything that i am is because of them and that it's it's it's all them and i always thought like you know i'm different than my parents. And in ways I am. But they, even the ways that I've grown like emotionally intelligent beyond maybe what they are, it's because they gave,

I am more emotionally intelligent than my parents. I know, I know, but I just love them. And I'm teaching them. But the fact that they're open to learn from their daughter is the kind of openness that I was given from them that made me open to other things yeah it's like it's it's all cyclical but I'm there's nothing more in my life that I'm

lucky with than than my parents it's it all starts with them and and I know everyone is not so lucky so I just want to say um you know I'm really grateful and and I acknowledge that none of this is me it was all my parents and none of it was them. It was all their parents. And it all goes back. I think the older you get, the more you, you stop fighting it.

You just go, Oh, they're fucking cool. And I'm so just grateful for everything. And even if you have shitty parents, like Noah, you don't really get along with your mom. Fucking thank God for that.

It's made you who you are in the way that like, is just so I'm glad I'm glad I'm sorry for that. But I'm also like because you deserve more. But I'm grateful because it made you who you are. And whatever kind of mixture of that bullshit, it made a great person. Thanks. Okay. Can we do our first?

Wipe your tears and tell me a fan threat. All right. The first one comes from Isidro. All right. I'm going to do it. Hey, Nikki, Andrew, Noah. This is Isidro from southern Wisconsin. I love the pod.

I listen to you guys every morning and afternoon when I'm going to and from work. It's a great way to start my day with a laugh. Awesome. Wrap my long work day with a laugh so so thank you for that uh i wanted to give a shout out to andrew for uh just just his hilarious zingers there's been many times when i'm when i'm taking a sip of water and he and he gives one of those zingers and just you know i start laughing and water starts coming out of my nose so fuck you andrew just kidding um so just wanted to give you that plug uh but really just one question really the main purpose why i i uh want to leave you guys a a voice message here was uh

during the last pod episode 190 anya talked about a story about her mom telling her To put a vitamin C tablet Or something like that on her tongue In order to relieve her cough And there was like this cliffhanger At the end We didn't find out what happened So did it work? Did it not work?

Oh for her cough I would love to hear the answer on the pod That would be great I love you guys. Thank you. And we have so many cliffhangers. Jack Skeleton. Thank you so much.

Isidro. Yep. That was really nice. From Southern Wisconsin. First of all, Andrew is one of the, is genuinely one of the funniest people alive. And his one-liners are, his little like ways of flipping

language and like his asides are his fucking superpower the way his mind works is upsetting to me and you are absolutely right he's he's so fucking funny and um and you just are you're just so quick and you sometimes it's it just is it's infuriating to me sometimes much like the taylor thomason thing i talked about yesterday of like this jealousy of like i wish my mind worked like that and that's why i love sometimes to have you around because i mean mainly we're talking about talent versus like friendship i like having you around because the best time the best ways that you help me comedically when i'm on a set or something is to go just to pitch it to you and like your first your first instinct because your your mind just like the first thing it serves up before you

think is always like this gene unintentionally genius thing that you can't even help it just comes out of you and like that's what I feel like you're so valuable for and that's why I want that's why I I want you to do more crowd work because you're so good at just improv. Well, I'll do it on Spade's show. Honestly, you could and it would be fine. I don't know. Don't go to the audience on that. No, I'm kidding.

And I want to just say a little bit like, you know, why that's inappropriate is not because it wouldn't be killer as a stand-up when you have openers. If you're not a crowd work guy, even if you are, you don't want your openers doing crowd work because it makes them chatty and feel like it's going to be an interactive show and if you are a crowd work guy you don't want it because you might unearth things

that that person wants to unearth so that's just a little bit of like back shop talk now the anya thing i feel like she ate her tongue but does he want to know if it worked to help her throat i think i think we just have to remind him that um she said the tablet that she put on her tongue made the layer of skin come off right and then she swallowed it made a little a round tablet of skin it like burned her tongue that it loosened that skin it came off like a little mento and then she swallowed it yeah and i guess at that point who cares about the cough because you just you're eating your own body slippery elm for sore throats you guys i i left it in the car for carpool karaoke with wilco and i'm getting some new

stuff shipped to me today but slippery elm lozenges say save my life and i've been looking for stuff for so long they're like recall rick whatever? No, you can just buy them on Amazon. You just put them in your mouth and you just like suck on them and they're a little like chalky, like almost like just dissolvable vitamins and you also get the dropper that I put in water every morning, but it really

is something that like coats your throat and makes it's better than that throat coat tea if you suffer with losing your voice a lot or learn how to speak differently. Or sign. Okay, next one. Next voicemail is from Paige. Hi, besties.

My name is Paige. First, I want to say I have cankers on my tongue. And so that's why I'm talking with a little bit of a lisp today. And they fucking suck. Nikki, I know that you can relate. And, man, i am really out here struggling and i can't stop eating spicy acidic foods so i know they hurt and they're not going away but anyway i wanted to share a story of kuh so my friends and i were out one night and we

weren't having the best time and of course the bottle girls are walking by us with their little fucking sparklers and heading to a table with two guys that are sitting back in their little vip table i don't know they're so stupid and god to begin with but they don't even like give the bottle girls recognition they just like sit back and like look around and it's like oh my god my My friend Alexis, who's also a bestie, we looked at each other at the same time and both went, because it was so, and after that,

I went home. But I love you guys. Thank you so much for your podcast and for sharing all your stories and being so open about so many important topics. You guys are so great. I love you, Paige. Have a great day.

It's so funny. Jerk off. Jerk off. Some people are taking real liberty here and not doing Jack. It doesn't matter. Just the N-E-J, which is nice. I'll take it. I've been that bottle guy. Where the girls are so hot that you think you don't want to be the guy that's like

ogling them so you act like they don't exist. Well, that's one thing. I do that with celebrities sometimes where you're like, oh, you i'm sorry oh john mayer okay yeah i think that's oh nice to meet you your name's what's your name like that's what that one dude did with a girlfriend to you that's how i felt like yeah it's kind of doing oh nikki oh yeah oh yeah i'm not you're not a big deal i haven't googled you or whatever yeah i haven't googled you i have a tattoo on my back at all whatever no but like i've been those like two guys that you get bottle service

and you think you could just sit back and show your money it's so cheesy dude and then okay and then what they do is they pay the promoters they pay girls to come and sit at your table yeah they drink all your liquor and then they fuck the guy the hot guy on the dance floor yeah that's not you that's not you um you deserve it um it reminds me of the beginning that the first pam and tommy episode tam and pommy tommy where tommy's like sitting at this table i hate that show so much but i also love it i'm only two episodes in or three maybe um i want to say to page though real quick love that you and your bestie both said could at the same time i love that cuz just becoming a thing also page i'm always wondering when you were in school and

people would be like turn to page 13 did you like hear your name i always ask that for pages um number three if you suffer with canker sores out there and page i i honestly have more empathy for people with canker sores than maybe anything in the world because it's the most excruciating thing i've been through and like it takes the joy out of talking it takes the joy out of eating it's like it's my it's your body's way of saying like slow down slow down better yeah and i'm serious page like the best thing that I found for them and anyone else that has someone in their life, please give the gift of,

I can't believe I haven't shared this yet because during my canker sore thing, I got medicine. And the thing that I found most soothing was Mylanta. Like the kind of like really creamy, soothing thing that you take for stomach acidity. Yeah.

Swishing with Mylanta and just keeping it in your mouth and like. Did you stumble on that or did someone tell you to for stomach acidity. Yeah. Swishing with Mylanta and just keeping it in your mouth. Did you stumble on that or did someone tell you to do it? No. Well, my doctor prescribed me these two mouthwashes. One was like codeine, which is a painkiller, and the other was this creamy thing that she said essentially was like Mylanta. Okay.

And that one was better than the codeine. Honestly, anyone struggling with canker sores, and I know there's tons of remedies on the line. That one I had not read about. I really recommend it. And also just be really kind to yourself because you are struggling in a way that people that don't get canker sores do not understand.

And I love that you talked about it and were open about it. And cause it sounds like gross and stuff, but it's, it's, it's, it's, you're struggling inside and you're like right there on the side of the

tongue. It's the worst pain. It's, it feels like a, an anal fissure of the mouth. Listen to your, it is. It's cause it's an ulcer.

So listen to your body when you have these things, because I wish I would have, I was running, I was doing too much and I didn't get sick because my body knows I'll just go work through a cold or the flu I cannot work through canker sores because it requires me to talk and to swallow and that's part of

my job as well you know what I'm saying and so I bet you Paige that this is a way of telling your body is like screaming at you to please give me a break or address something that's like brewing inside of you. And that's no judgment. But I love you so much. Next one. Here's a quickie from Dahlia. Hi, Nikki, Andrew and Noah. I just had to share something funny.

Um, my son is in fourth grade and he has spelling words and one of his words is analyze. And all I could think about when we were going over his words was analyze and had to stop myself from saying that out loud. Anyway, love you guys. Love the show. Cracks me up all the time.

Have a great day. Thank you so much, Dahlia. You're hearing a lot of these stories. Listen, I think the next special might be named that. Or something I do ask to be because it's too funny. I love our busties so much. Maybe we could do, when we do live shows, we can call it Nikki Glaser Podcast. Time to analyze.

Analyze this or analyze something. I like that idea. Oh, that's good. Because I'm trying this new thing on the last 10 minutes of my set. I'm hoping to do a Q&A to help me just work on my crowd work skills because it's something I'm so scared of even though I always have an out. It's fine. I'm fine. Yeah, you're very good at it. There's something that'm so scared of, even though I always have an out. It's fine. Like, I'm fine.

Yeah, you're very good at it. There's something that makes me scared about it, so I'm trying to work in a Q&A, and that could be fun to give it a title of, like, maybe it's me having people ask me questions or, like, analyze. Analyze me. And then we could do a graphic on the screen behind me

that's me with butthole eyes. And it could be funny if you just, the only thing that changes is you put glasses on, me and then we can do a graphic on the screen behind me that's me with butthole eyes and it could be funny if you just the only thing that changes you put glasses on and you become like yeah like a therapist the rapist for the analyze or the rapist analyzes like therapists oh the rapist yeah like whatever i believe that word has is it's unbelievable together it's so that's not my joke that's no that's from iL. I thought it was Arrested Development. Arrested Development. Oh, yeah. Anal Rapist.

Yeah. No, but it was first in Celebrity Jeopardy. Oh. I'll take the rapist for something like that, but anal therapist. I like the idea

of what you do on Perfect Strangers. I'm an analysis. I'm an analysis and I'm a therapist. I'm an anal rapist. And analysis. I'm an analysis. And I'm a therapist. I'm an. And now repressed. And then on the thing,

it was, he called it an Anna, a now repressed. And then on the thing, it said anal right. Best. Okay. Which is even funnier than, but I think that's a good idea.

Maybe you bring out like a, maybe you bring out a couch and you have people come up on stage. I wish I had like three hours on stage. It's just too long of a show. And I have too much material, but I'm excited to explore other things um thanks for that idea i love it uh next up next up is a voicemail from jeffrey hey nikki noah and andrew this is jeffrey um i have a funny butt dial story uh when i was 22 i was living in la and i was dating this guy he was about 32 33 and i had just had my first art opening in la and he invited a bunch of his friends

and as they were leaving he got a voicemail he didn't pick it up um and it was from one of his closest friends saying how boring he was she was talking to someone else that she was walking with and um how he'd loosen up and they were so glad he was dating me because i was fun and young um and i'm not bragging i was a raging alcoholic and so we're there and that's probably why we got on so well. But it's completely like decimated this friendship for a good couple of years. I think they're men's now. But happy to say I'm several years sober. Turkey tear.

Thanks. Keep up the pod. Turkey tear. Dude, Jeffrey, I love that that story thank you for sharing it i love any kind of we love butt dials stories of like accidentally texting someone sending someone something where they didn't know they were being um heard or um and and that's such a good one and i'm just so glad i love that he's like yeah it was fun people like assumed i was fun but i was just a raging alcoholic because i think so often people are like oh there's i'm gonna lose my fun like i'm gonna i'm not gonna be fun anymore and the truth is like a lot of people are just completely out

of control final thought um this was kind of a a similar thing that happened to me this morning some art jeffrey oh my god jeffrey please will you dm us i want to see your art i'm so i'm so honored when people like artists listen to the show i'm just like yeah it's like uh i'm honored everyone does but like you guys are all so fucking cool and not if you're a plumber someone named dahlia listens to our show like give me a fucking break if you're a plumber like fuck you dude uh yeah if you're a plumber unless you you know do some little like art on the side i don't want to hear about it. No, plumbers fascinate me.

I had a plumber over the other day. Yeah, I was really mad at plumbers. I know you are, but I just want to say that plumbers, like, mad respect. I don't understand what plumbing is. Actually, you know what? I'm hearing you, and I still am not going to respect them. Yeah, I mean, listen. You're taking a hard stand on this, and you don't appreciate what they do because man i'm clogging toilets and and drain pipes all the time with my hair and my you know paper why do girls

have so much paper in the toilet what because we wipe our vaginas with how many times yeah we don't get to shake we have to actually wipe no but i feel like there's i don't know i've lived with maybe we blow our nose we like on while we're I feel like there's, I don't know. I've lived with. Maybe we blow our nose while we're doing it. Sometimes I just like, I don't know. There's like a dam in there. But I just want to say this happened to me today. And this is another joke I've wanted to work on for so long, but I could never find the right way.

And I think I just found it today because it happened. Do you ever do this thing where you text someone or you're doing, you know, it auto-corrects to a different word than what you want to say? Like let's say it's fuck and it's duck. And to correct it, you just write the word again to be like, oh, I, like, let's say it's like, oh, I just saw a duck.

And you say, I just saw a fuck. And you're like, and then you just want to write duck to correct it. And it corrects it again. So you just go fuck. And then you write it again and you're like, fuck. And so it just seems like you're like doubling down on the thing you already said instead of correcting. It does the opposite. It's such a perfect joke premise because it's so ironic that you're trying to say the opposite of like, oh, that's not what I meant.

But instead you keep saying it again and again. So this morning I was talking to Chris. I have a good idea for a joke for that. What is it? No. So then you go, I wrote duck duck and then it just said fuck and then i tried to write fucking duck again and just said fuck again and it just reminds me of that time where like i you know i i wrote my dad and i called and then it's in a word that you would

never it would never be spell checked and it's like so singular almost like that one guy's joke of the this black guy had a joke where he was like you ever like i forget his name i will i'm sorry if if we do know his name we got to post it on our thing it comes around on reddit all the time but he was one of the best jokes and he i'm doing i'm butchering it but he says um you know i hate when people are always using like words like you don't know like just to make themselves seem like so smart. The other day, my friend was like – and this guy was being so pedantic.

And I'm just like, yeah, sounds like he was. And then later on, I'm like, what's pedantic mean? And then the other day, my friend is like, oh, you know, my dad has this cadre of friends that he hangs out with. And I'm like, man, I got to look up that. And he's like, so I'm Googling dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a that. And he's like, so I'm Googling dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great switcheroo. It's so good.

And I had to say it was black to set up the joke because it's a stereotype that blah, blah, blah. Okay, so this happened this morning. Chris, my boyfriend, had a meeting with his coworkers or lunch. And he had a breakfast. He said, oh, I just left breakfast with Courtney like coworkers or lunch. And I had a breakfast. He said, Oh,

I just left breakfast with Courtney Brando and Tim. It says Tam, but he meant Tim. And he says, it was fine. And I go, just, he goes,

it was fine. Period. And I go, just fine. Because they're talking about something that is like a thing, you know, like it was a breakfast to discuss something, not like that important, but it was like, Oh, there was a thing of like, how's that going to a thing you know like it was a breakfast to discuss something not like

that important but it was like oh there was a a thing of like how's that gonna go you know element of it he goes it was fine and i go just fine and he said fine period and i go okay we'll talk later and he goes voice text thinks i'm saying fine when i'm saying fine. And I said, he goes, man, I really leaned in on this. And he goes, and although it was fine, I meant fun. So the whole time he's saying fun. And I'm like,

and instead he was just like, I go, it was just fine. He goes, fine, fine. I meant to say fine, but I meant fine.

Like it was just, and that honestly, he just, I go, I've been wanting to write a joke for that for so long. I hate when that happens and then you just end up

doubling down on the original thing and he goes couples could break up over a fine slash fun misunderstanding easily and I said 100% I just started

re-downloading Bumble. Glad we cleared that up. And so it's just as I want to write some joke about like when you just keep saying the word and it keeps auto-correcting and you're just like,

it's just so funny. It could be funny. If anyone has a good example for that. A couple weeks ago, you write him and be like, God, sex with you last night was so fun. And he's like, it was fun. I meant fine. There could be a switch on that.

You're so right. I am definitely going to wee it up with him about this. Yeah, something like where you switch it that way. We had the best inside joke we made the other day that just made me laugh. I was just talking kind of to myself. He lent me this sweatshirt that had emos on it. I was wearing it all day because I was cold in Chicago. And he was brushing his teeth.

And I was like, babe, I really love this sweatshirt. I was like, and then to myself, I was just like, mommy likey. Mommy wanty. Mommy takey. And it was just me being like, and he got up. He heard me. He goes, did you say mommy likey mommy wanty mommy takey and it was just me being like and he got he or me goes did you say mommy takey and I was like yeah mommy and so now my new joke is that I'm gonna steal it and so he left early and I had to pack up his stuff for him and and uh bring it back because he left and didn't have time to go get his luggage so I brought it back for him and I packed up that

emo shirt and I put in a little note that said mommy likey mommy wanty mommy takey and I packed up that emo shirt and I put in a little note that said, mommy likey, mommy wanty, mommy takey. And I was just waiting for him to find it because I always like sneak little notes. Another day he found it. He was like, sorry, it took me so long to find it. I didn't unpack. And I go, you could have snuck in a note from when I was doing Perfect Strangers 2 in Cabo

a month ago and I still wouldn't have found it because that is how long it takes me to unpack shit. Yeah, no, but a little note is like, that goes so far in a relationship. I don't know even if you call me like a dumb stupid bitch i'd be like man she fucking gets me yes yes um she really just like talks to my we had the best time today thank you so much for listening to the show come see us in austin and check out all my dates i I'm coming somewhere near you. I love to meet besties and

if you can't afford it, we'll have that discussion too. Eric Church will pay you. I love you so much, you guys. Thank you for listening and don't be care. And Jack. And Jill. We can do whatever we want.

We can do whatever we want. Any J name works. Jill, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt.

And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How To Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show,

and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, Eve, Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You gotta check them out.

Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. my podcast and now mini questions is returning for another season we've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions including jane lynch delaney rowe and cord jefferson listen to mini questions on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts seven questions limitless answers You are cordially invited to the hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party,

your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Woman sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E,

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