The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #2 Everything But The Peas

Episode Date: March 24, 2021

Nikki's set time gets the crew up early for recording. Between you and Nikki, she'll tell you the weird thing she does on stage that only one other comedian does, Andrew reads the headlines and gives the backstory of his shirt and Nikki shares a favorite Game Changer!Write to the show and tell us your Game Changer: [e-mail]! Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Thank you, Noah My dear producer Noah in Arizona Noah in Arizona I kind of like that It's day two of the podcast

I'm not going to be keeping track like this of the numbers Well, maybe I am I don't know what's going to happen, but it's day two. We're in it, man. I mean, this is happening. This is just my life is that I do. It just dawned on me, Noah, that I do a show every day. Like you sign up for these things and you go, this is what I want.

And it is what I want. I'm very aware of what I want and it is what I want I'm very aware of what I want but I woke up this morning this one had to be done at an hour that was not ideal for what I you know like it because I have such a long day my schedules uh but then I go I'm brushing my teeth and I'm like oh I want to sleep more and my head hurt and I'm like I gotta think of something to talk about at the top of the morning I haven't been up this early in a really long time. And by the way, it's 8 a.m. It's not that early at all.

Is it 6 a.m. where you are or 7 a.m.? It's 6 a.m. So you guys don't have daylight savings in Arizona, right? Saving. Sorry. No. No. So now we're technically in like Pacific time.

Right. Okay. So they don't have it here in grand cam it came in either so when it we gained an hour or whatever happened the last time i don't keep track spring forward we did not spring forward here and it um yeah i was on the east coast and now i prefer to be on east coast time because it always makes me feel like that the it's the way i used to feel when i would go to bed and my parents would stay up and have a Because it always makes me feel like that. It's the way I used to feel when I would go to bed and my parents would stay up and have a party.

It makes me feel safer that most of the nation is still awake partying. When I might be up too late, like insomniac. I don't know what it's called when you have insomnia. Like staying up. And then being too early. Because I've lived on both coasts. This was starting out to sound more interesting than I thought it was. So I'm going to move on. I am tired, but who the hell is not tired in America?

That's why we need a four day work week, which I probably would not subscribe to. But I do have a four-day work week, which I probably would not subscribe to, but I do have a four-day work week. Anyway, it just dawned on me that I have a four-day-a-week show that I'm going to be doing for a really long time. In the scheme of things, I don't want to get into my contract details, but I'm like, wow, this is more of a commitment that I've made in anything in my life, I don't think. Because nothing is more, I've never signed more than a year lease. I've never entered a relationship that was like, we're going to do this forever. I've never, I mean, I've gotten pets, but there's no guarantee there. And there's always your parents that you can give them to to take care of them for you.

Noah, you are hilarious right now trying to not have a nip slip on camera. It's just me, girl. Andrew has learned to stay in his room now from yesterday's episode. It's so early that I'm still in my pajamas, and I turned this tank top that I got from Nasty Gal into my pajama shirt because my

boob keeps coming out of it well and it's just one boob nasty gal you get you got what you paid for I've always felt weird ordering from there but they do really well they do um I you know I've stopped ordering from there I just want to get like stuff could last. Is Nasty Girl the brand that that girl boss woman started? Yes. I mean, it just sounds like a line of clothing for strippers, not that there's anything wrong with that. I found out a girl last night that I was talking to that I met through work that, to me, is just a normal –

not like stripping isn't normal but we were just talking and she was like oh yeah I used to you know strip when I was it was so fascinating I love strippers so much to get on stage and take off your clothes and like move your body

in sensual ways might be the most humiliating thing I could think of for me. And I'm in awe of anyone who can do it the way that some people are in awe that I can stand on stage and just like talk without stopping and, you know, potentially say something not funny. And then what happens? And it's like, oh, you just you get over it. You it hurts. But like, what if you're on stage and you catch someone's eye and they're like grossed out but like you know what a guy is making a face like or like someone's pointing at you and

laugh I mean maybe you blur your eyes I blur my eyes for the audience do you know that Noah I know I didn't know that it's a weird thing that I do where I'm on stage and I think I've talked about it before but it's because someone told me reached out to me and said that the only other comedian they've heard do it. I mean, I don't want to compare myself to him, but it was Steve Martin and maybe we have something in common. Maybe I'll step away from the business forever at some point. But I,

when I get on stage, I don't look at the audience at all. I, uh, I can't see faces and it's not something I do on purpose, but I can blur, I can blur my eyes. I, uh, I can't see faces and it's not something I do on purpose, but I can blur, I can blur my eyes. Um, like without like right now you're completely blurry to me and I have contacts in, but now you're, now you're clear, blurry, clear. And my eyes don't change at all. It's just something I can do. And I read it or I learned on Tik TOK, which is the new reading that, uh, that, you know, like ADHD TikTok,

uh, there's like, you know, girls in there being like little facts. You don't know about ADHD. You can blur your eyes. And I was like, what? So anyway, I can blur my eyes. And, um, and that's what I do when I'm on stage. So even if someone's in the front row, um, front row, rut row, I, and if you ever go to my show and you're in the front row, front row, rut row. And if you ever go to my show and you're in the front row and you're like, no, she's going to make fun of us. No, I won't. I do not do that. I know that I'm a roaster, but I just want you to be aware

when I go on tour this summer and fall, please get as close as you want. I'm not even going to see your face. It's going to be a blur because I don't want to see an expression that might disappoint me. I think that's it. I don't want to see someone's face either not laughing. I can tell when people are laughing are A, by the sound. I don't need to see your smile. And B, by the way, the blur is moving. So like when people laugh, there's a, the blur starts to tremble slightly. So I can know it's laughing.

But if people are just, I don't want to look. And I also, when you look at someone's face in the front row, whenever I say front row, it sounds like row, row. When you look at the row, row and you see a girl's face that might just be like out of it thinking about how she what she's gonna eat when she gets home from this date because she didn't eat enough because she wanted you know whatever it is that's just me I'm projecting but like or

she's looking at my jeans and being like where'd she get those those are a little tight or whatever she's judging you know like just thoughts not really. And I see her face and I look at her and we make eye contact while I'm on stage. The girl, people will just laugh because they're nice. They're not trying to not laugh and they realize that they're not laughing and that's what they're supposed to do. So when you make eye contact, they're like, eh, giving me what I want, which I've done before as someone in the front row of um the row of um Jimmy Fallon stand-up show which was my first stand-up show ever at a college he did in uh when I was still in high school I went to go see him at my friend's college and um I remember being front row you have to like really keep a smile on your face so i don't like to force a smile i don't i never want to force

anyone into anything so i keep it blurry so that i never have to make eye contact and feel a bad about myself or b for someone into smiling and laughing when they don't want to which and but andrew will get off stage sometimes before me and go hey listen there's like a pretty severe burden victim in the front row like they don't have a face or you know like hey there's someone in the front row that looks like this and like you know there's sometimes their facial um disfigurements that can be alarming just because you're not used to seeing a face that looks like that and not in a rude way but it's just like hey there's some don't don't make a face at them like whoa because I will have to say that one of the worst things that ever happened to me was

I'm true like i'm so embarrassed to even share this but one time I was driving and I was in the back seat of a car like an uber and I was just looking out the window and we were pulled up to a stoplight and I Car pulled up and there was someone with a facial disfigurement that I did not see until I turned to the right. And all of a sudden this person was, first of all, staring at me very close to the car next to me, already staring at me, which is a scary thing. But they also had a facial disfigurement. I don't remember what kind. And I have so much empathy and like i love to watch i watch youtube videos of people with like burns and like facial disfigurements all the time because i just

find that there people that are like burn victims are just like have such good outlook on life after they've or like acid attack victims anyway i like scream like i like yelped when i saw this person because it was scary and alarming and it just felt so cruel, but it was just like this human reaction of like, Oh my God, what's wrong? You know? And so Andrew will sometimes warn me about those things, not because of that incident, but because you know, that happens to good humans or good, well-meaning humans as myself. And he'll come off stage and be like, Hey, listen, front row, blah, blah. And I'll go, it doesn't matter.

I know, like, whatever I'm, what I'm doing to their face with my blurring is worse than whatever it could be. Like, I don't see anyone. And sometimes I get messages after shows from guys being like, you were making eye contact with me the whole show and I felt it.

And I'm like, no, I wasn't, buddy. I was looking into the ether and blurring my eyes hard. So I hope that doesn't deter people from coming to shows because sometimes people like to have that connection, but I'm not looking at you and it's only for your own good. All right, let's get Andrew in here for the second day's worth of breaking news. And by breaking, I mean, he's going to break news. Like literally it's going to be broken after this because of how he reads headlines but i i bet you he's coming in hot today and he's gonna have his uh shit together

so we'll get andrew in here shortly thank you all so much by the way for listening to the show yesterday and all for all your posts and you're sharing on your stories the rates and reviews um it means so much and the enthusiasm about it. But listen, we're going to be here every day. So let's just get comfortable. And we'll talk to Andrew right after this. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially.

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Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeartWomen Sports. Andrew, welcome to the show. Good morning. Second day, buddy. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. How'd you sleep last night? Yeah, I slept naked again.

We had to do this podcast early. I know, it's hard to sleep when you know you have to get up for something early. I felt the same way. I don't know how people do it with jobs. Did you say how early it was here? Yeah, so early. People that are listening that get up every day at like five are furious probably at the fact that i think eight o'clock is early yeah but eight

o'clock here's five o'clock somewhere yeah that you are dressed like a guy who actually says that unironically yeah i have a tommy bahama on uh i'm laundry right now, so it's been two days in a row. But yeah, there's a big Tommy Bahama community, and I feel like you need to get on board with it. I understand that Tommy Bahama is a brand that people pay way too much money for. Because you kept saying yesterday about your shitty shirt, Tommy Bahama, Tommy Bahama. It's like, that doesn't mean anything to me.

And you go, it means something to some people. And I go, well, it still doesn't. You can have a shirt that you're like, it's high quality, which, you know, I guess. I see it's a little threadbare in certain areas or there's threads coming loose. It's like a 700 count probably. Yeah. Give or take. Is that how much you paid for it nah well we we i lied to you the other day yeah that was the first lie of our of the day for you yeah so i so i lied about i bought this shirt it was 120 dollars but it was 50 off it was in a in a cayman kind of uh not the nicest shop on on the island but not a bad shop not a bad shop at all i cleaned up there and got some really cute stuff i spent about the same

amount as him and got like five items you know it's a little fast fashiony items and i regret that but hadn't shopped in a while needed some new clothes wasn't prepared to wear things like i thought coming on this show it would be like my wardrobe for the show which is really dressy and then other times i just want to be in pajamas i didn't know that i might be doing things outside of the show where i'd want to look nice got you but then you spotted this well yeah Hawaiian shirt across the room at this place i went i let him go shop on his own in his own section. You let me?

I mean, I just like, you know, I wouldn't mind. I kind of abandoned you. Yeah. Which I do in the stores. I'm a free man. I can shop where I want. You are a free man. So I went exactly where you pointed.

Oh my God, his behavior at the store really irritated me. So in my mind, when I shop, I think about how you're going to judge me. I'm not going to lie. So I went to the 50% section, 50% off, because I knew if I paid full, which is probably better Tommy quality, you would have even judged me more if we walked out of there and I had a shirt similar to this, but with maybe one more colorful flower on it and it was $130. You would freak the fuck out.

I just judge you when you spend a lot of money on something that is truly like worthless. And I know you're not going to use a lot. So yeah, it does irritate me when you spend a lot of money on things. It's none of my business and it's probably, yeah, it's none of my business and it's a definite flaw of mine that i even interfere but i just when i see spending that

is just stupid it bugs me and i don't want you to fall for marketing schemes of like this is 50 off when they actually just double the price that they want you to pay and then slap a sticker on it and make you feel like you're getting a deal when it was always meant to be sold at 50 off anyway and it's already marked up at 50 so you spent 75 dollars okay who owns more things that they only wear once in a blue moon you i'm not talking because i'm a girl man that's different and i and i don't buy things really that I only wear once it is certainly not for $75 never maybe I mean that necklace I gave you the other day 40 bucks and I never wore that and I felt terrible about it I really didn't had every intention of wearing it god I thought it again I thought it was more money yeah but yes so I I went I bought it I paid 75

and then I don't know when you asked me but for some reason you asked me how much it cost. I got 50% off. I go, cool. And why were you trying? Why did you want to buy a Hawaiian shirt in the first place? Because I wanted one photo on Instagram that got a minimal amount of likes that I took down anyways. $75 on a post that you took down almost immediately because no one gave you what you wanted for it, which was attention about cool shirt. And you said you saw some MMA guy wearing a shirt,

and that's what you're trying to copy? Yeah, this guy named Dustin Poirier. Shout out, Louisiana hot sauce. He's been selling it. I thought that's what they called him. He sells the hot sauce? Yeah, he sells the hot sauce. Okay.

And he beat Conor mcgregor recently which was an unbelievable like story watched huh is that the fight we watched yes okay yes i watched that fight with your ex-boyfriend yeah and your future ex-girlfriend yeah my future no your uh new girlfriend yeah when I was fingering her a little bit while watching the fight. And that wasn't cool. While me and my ex-boyfriend were... Talking about like, I don't know. News.

Stocks. Stocks. Yeah. Sitting in separate chairs and we're on the couch cuddling. And you're on the couch and you're fingering her under the blanket, which I definitely said that you could do. Because I was like, listen,

I'm going to be watching TV with you and your girlfriend a lot. You let me finger my girlfriend. I know. That's just like I let you shop in your own section. I just... I did the same thing. I don't mind that everyone's like, oh my God. Like, you know, when your best friend gets a partner,

whether it's a girl or a guy, like girlfriends of mine have gotten boyfriends. What I hate more than anything is that our friendship and the closeness we share gets compromised by these new inside jokes that are rumbling between a new relationship, which is normal. But at my expense is never something I want to happen. So I never want something like sneaky being like,

Oh my God, I, I I'm fingering you. And Nikki's talking to us about how she went on a run and, you know, got sunburned or something. And you're like, Oh my God.

And you were fingering me. And you guys are like, that's your inside joke about like how I didn't know it. That really bugs. Like, of course I understand you guys are going to have inside jokes that I'm not a part of, but I don't want to be a part of the joke.

You don't want to be the butt end of it. Yes, and I don't want your finger in her butt while I'm the butt end. I wouldn't fully. But I want to say that before that even happened, I go, listen, I know when we're watching TV at some point, we're all watching Veep together, us three, you're going to finger her under the blanket. I know it's happening, so I'm getting ahead of it.

So the joke is not on me. I'm going to guess your finger's in her all the time when we're hanging out yeah they're never not i mean i have small hands so she doesn't even know it so dustin poirier was wearing a shirt yeah dustin poirier was wearing a very colorful shirt and uh he really rocks it he doesn't have to because most mma fighters you know they're gonna wear, they're going to wear black. They're going to wear no affliction or whatever. Yes. Or what's the other ones?

Just like real shitty. Yeah. Like I'm a badass. I've never like come early. I've never not bench 8,000 pounds. I've never watched a YouTube video and go, aww and like teared up because like a little boy was... Yeah, or like a dog's best friend

with a pony. I've never cried. Yeah, so those kind of clothes. So he wears a lot of colorful clothes, which gave me the inspiration to go for it. And I realized his shirts are way more expensive, way more cool, way more like specific. Yeah, he's wearing thomas bahama

and like yours was just it's just it's so plain there's not enough couple are going on it looks like he works at a resort on the island like a low-end resort as like a duvet cover someone said i was wearing it looks like a duvet cover that's sold at Kmart for someone's beach home that they're just kind of decorating for Airbnb. And it's not on the beach. They don't have to be there. It's by the beach. It's bad. It's a beach home that's like four miles west.

When you button it with two buttons, though, and leave the rest undone, it's more of a look. And you are making more of a statement. With the gold necklace, it works a little bit better. But it is a terrible shirt, and you wasted your your money on it what did you get there that was so great i got two tank tops that i'm gonna wear probably have you worn them yet no because i'm so excited well i wore one of them and i got so many compliments and then i got the other one in white i got black and white i'm like obsessed with them and i only haven't worn the other one because i'm waiting to wear it when i want to look sexy af and i haven't

had a chance to really do that off set you know what i'm saying i feel you so then um and then i got uh what else did i get there got a couple other things i've worn it all i was very upset when i asked where the puka shell necklaces oh yeah he went in there wanting to buy puka shell necklaces too also ironically like the shirt and you walked in there is a clear jewelry rack like this is where the jewelry is in our store and then you looked at it all we went through all the jewelry and you go i don't and i go maybe that one you're like no and then we get to the front to check out and you ask the woman hey i'm she goes did you find everything all right you know cursory asking and you go you guys don't have any like puka necklace and she goes, did you find everything all right? You know, cursory asking.

And you go, you guys don't have any puka necklace. And I'm like, did you see it? Now we have to go through this whole rigmarole of her bringing you back to the jewelry rack you already looked at to show you the things that she has that you don't. Did you think she had some pukas in the back or something? I don't understand what you thought.

You've never heard of a puka safe? No, they're not like Cuban cigars where they're kept in a secret cigars where there's like they're kept in a secret yeah yeah and like be like chicken jingo and they're like what i can jingo and then they open it up and it's just pukas maybe there are maybe there's some puka necklaces made from very valuable materials that look i don't want to lean into being this guy, this island man, but it's so fun. I'm about two days away from getting full braids in my hair,

but I have a receding hairline. It's going to look horrible. Wait, you can't get braids? Your hair's not long enough. You can braid anything. I don't think that's true, Andrew. We got to get to the news. What do you got for us today? We got some fun stuff, baby. Okay, let's move into it. Let's true, Andrew. We got to get to the news. What do you got for us today?

We got some fun stuff, baby. Okay, let's move into it. Let's get after it. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. All righty. Here we go, folks. We're all out there.

All right. Utah's governor considers a law that requires mandatory porn filters on phones and tablets sold in the state. Yeah. Drive over to Colorado now to get your... To get your... You have to go cross state to jerk off? I mean, just get... What it is, I think it's just like it has a filter.

Like, you know, Utah is very Mormon and anti... I'm not going to say the whole state is, but, you know utah is very mormon and um uh anti i'm not gonna say the whole state is but you know that you go there and it's like the caymans they don't have sex shops here oh yeah you know like it's very this is a very christian nation i think that's what it is i think they're christian here and um yeah very uh puritanic well not they're not puritans but puritanical uh beliefs when it comes to sex and stuff and so yeah this guy's trying to get filters put on devices before you even buy them

so that you would have to remove it kind of like when you two put on that album on the new iPhones remember and everyone was so mad about it this is the opposite of that no it's pretty much like that I don't know why everyone was so mad about it. This is the opposite of that. No, it's pretty much like that. I don't know why people got so angry about that. Just take

the YouTube thing off. People are so angry about the dumbest stuff. They don't want anything forced on you, yet we have so many other laws like this one. It's ridiculous. Government, stay the fuck away from what I masturbate to. I believe that kids do need to be protected from porn and how accessible it is.

There's already guidelines on, so Apple and Google both have parental controls already. Yeah. But the funny part about that is that he wants to pass this law because parents don't know how to use Apple and Google to turn those filters on. Right.

Take the time, parents. The parents will take the time to learn how to turn it off. The only way a parent will actually take the time to learn to read the user manual is so they can jerk off. Yeah, dude. I mean, look.

Also, five other states have to sign this to make this a law. Right. By 2031. This is just like the rough beginnings, though. I mean, it's like this isn't actually going to happen anytime soon. But it is an interesting article because I do find that I can't believe how easily accessible porn is I don't know what kind of questions they could have at the top of a porn page so that it could block out someone who's 18

or under 18 like um name a Bee Gees song or did you watch Are You Afraid of the Dark what what lineup of shows was a hit on Saturday nights for nickelodeon i don't

know things that only people oh that were older would know yeah yeah also it's a ten dollar fine so i mean i don't know how many times i mean that could probably add up actually the amount of porn if you got a ten dollar fine every time you checked out porn how much money you get charged if you yeah that's what watch porn that's what the government that's what they're trying to do so they're passing a law if your kid breaks it if it's any harmful content that can include any description or representation of nudity or sexual conduct that doesn't have artistic, political, or scientific value. I mean, you could argue porn has artistic value. 100%.

So, 100%. I've looked at paintings at the MoMA, and it has nothing on double penetration that I watched last night. Right. Did you read the little... The history behind the video? Yeah, like what's it called? The little placard next to the DP video you were watching?

I did, and it really taught me that four days ago, a girl got paid $35 to get DP'd by two men. And it was pretty... I gotta be honest. Last night, I did read some of the descriptions because I was trying to... I had to search terms that I was looking for. And so it led me to some of the captions that my the search words were showing up in and the the the the writings for some of the porn descriptions which i always over you wrote in

no no i searched a couple words and then they would like highlight where the words were in the in the body of the paragraph about it. And some of these descriptions, I know that porn descriptions can be written by almost bots. It just doesn't make any sense. But on the websites I pay for where there's money put into them, these descriptions were fantastic. And I was getting turned on reading those more so than the video itself. It was very interesting. Who do you think they hired to write these?

Where are they getting these writers? Probably just either freelance Journalists fired from Wall Street Journal and stuff? Oh yeah For masturbating during a meeting on Zoom Like journalists What's his name? It's that guy they got fired

Jeffrey Toobin Yeah now Jeffrey Toobin is writing Descriptions for kink.com. She surrenders her body and begs to... But now he keeps it completely professional, even though he's there. So that's cool of him. Even on meetings where it's a jerk-off meeting.

Yeah, where everyone else is jerking off. I know, he got in trouble the other day for wearing a tie to a meeting about... Yeah, he was else is jerking off. I know. He got in trouble the other day for wearing a tie to a meeting about. Yeah, he was too dressed up. All right. What's next? Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey sells an NFT, which we've heard a lot about, which we know very little about. I'm now learning way more than I want to know about NFTs.

I thought I was going to be able to stay out of this conversation, but I think I get what they are now. He sold the first tweet for $2.9 million. So what does that look like? Is it like a... You want to know what his first tweet was, by the way? That's going to blow your mind. That's worth $2.9 million. It's not about the tweet.

It's about the fact that it's first. But okay, what is it? It's just setting up my Twitter. But he misspelled Twitter. T-W-T-T-R. I mean, T-W-T-T-R I mean T-W-T-T-R He didn't misspell Twitter That was like on purpose

That was the start of that kind of Tumblr All those without the vowel Kind of things That's like most people's first tweet I remember mine was like What is this thing It was 2009

Or 10 What would that sell for It's like, I remember mine was like, what is this thing? It was 2009 or 10. Oh, man. What would that sell for? No fucking NFC. No fucking clue. Honestly, the problem is you got to set up like a blockchain. What is it? Noah, do you understand what it is?

Oh, okay. I'm sure that's. So an NFT. So someone owns that and can sell that to a commercial or something. Yeah, it's a digital certificate of authenticity that confirms an item is real and one of a kind by recording the details on a blockchain digital ledger. Okay. Essentially like selling artwork in the digital space using cryptocurrency. When digital things are so recopyable i mean i could

just screenshot that first tweet too what's i mean now if i understand owning it and being able to license it and make money from it but like and well compared to like a van go original like a tangible thing though but that you could see the paint strokes like there's you're like oh my god van go was in the same room with this. I can't ever be in the same room as Jack Dorsey typing on his computer. I think the keyboard he typed that on would probably be more value to me than the tweet itself, if that makes sense. So you feel like something needs to be –

Even though I'm looking at your keyboard right now and I can't – I was using it before and I go, I can't even imagine what germs are on this thing. Mine's disgusting, too, but, like, yours has got to be. Oh, yeah, there's a lot of bad stuff that went on with those keys, especially between the G and the H. Wait, but wait. So you think something needs to be tangible for it to be worth something. Then how about a special, a comedy special selling? Like that's not tangible.

Well, I understand if someone owns my comedy special, they can license it when people watch it and make money from it. Who is watching Jack Dorsey's first tweet? Who is that being licensed to? What is the value of it if not to sell it? I don't understand where it exists that you can just stare at it because i can stare at it the same way you can on my computer screen if you own it i guess it's just like that's my question i mean first of all to do any of these

things you have to fill out like forms to get bitcoin and shit so i'm never gonna i mean you could tell me i could make 200 grand but to figure out how to buy Bitcoin, I'd rather just be poor and disgusting. Your conception of money is really insane. You won't fill out a form for $200,000, but you will spend $72,500 to $75 on a shirt that is a joke that is not even going to pay off and you're going to remove from your Instagram with it.

How long did it take you to just take that down? Was it after I made fun of it? Were you looking like you work at a resort? No, it was... That's what I like about you is you'll just take things down. You'll admit that that was a failure and then I get to make fun of you and be like, ha-ha, I was right.

Instead of just leaving it up for me. Because I would never look at the likes and be like, that didn even get much i don't look at your likes i don't look at likes at all actually i know i'm trying not to but i also like sometimes i'll post something and it's not even about the likes this is just like a state of my mind at that point which oh yeah i've been there and then my mind later is like you're such a cheesy fucking dumb fuck i know it's so embarrassing some of the things i put out there that i'm like ew like what state of mind were you in that you thought this was a good idea like it makes me feel crazy sometimes and not trust myself but we don't

have to be stuck to that state of mind so you just take it down who cares i'm not tied to it i'm it's not an nft or something well speaking of nft craze a new york city man sells a year's worth of his fart recordings forget this 90 million dollars no one 85 no one's bought that okay okay gosh did you believe it for a second i mean i thought you maybe put it up for 90 million dollars but no one paid that but someone paid 85 for five recordings i don't do that i mean that is better than the shirt you bought at least that is more that's going to bring more joy to people's lives original i know and the his farts were yeah those are tom yeah alex ramirez mollis originals yes he's kind of making fun of it the nft thing but look i think when like you

know again going back to like picasso or whatever i'm sure there were a bunch of fucking people when picasso was selling his shit they would just scribble on a page and be like oh art oh i should sell this for a million dollars you know what i mean that's the equivalent to this art guy picasso is not as i know what you're saying though like guys that just like put a piece of A dot on a canvas Or Campbell's soup Yes well that was actually He like drew it I think or did lithograph

Like there was art behind it But yes I get it farts can be arts too What's that? Farts can be art I think honestly I would rather buy A year worth of farts All day long over 98% of things.

I'm not even kidding. But another person's fart is never as good as your own. Except mine. You're obsessed with mine. Because they're so low. You couldn't stop talking about it last night. I've never expected your farts to be such a low boys to men fart. I'm sorry.

I never expected it. It's something that I never expected. It was one time. It was the one time I farted and it happened to be a low one. But like, you don't, you have different.

You did two. No, I did like eight that, that, but I think, yeah. It sounds like, hey,

come on over. Let's go dancing. Yeah, your farts are a sexual black man that has a very low voice who doesn't sing during the songs but just talks i'm never gonna like i'm never gonna hear my farts the same way again god damn and i'm always gonna think of you when i fart now till the end of the road dude how much did you listen to boys

to men i mean that one album. I didn't at all. Come Again? Really? I did it. Oh, the one with Down on Bend and Me? I just got insensuous there or whatever that word is. What?

What, Noah? I said the album with the song Down on Bend and Me. Yes. I didn't listen to it at all. Noah, you did? I loved Boyz II Men. Dude, Boyz II Men was huge. That's weird because we usually are on the same point with music you're older than me bro all right all right you're like you know that's that like

how many years we got in between us four three and a half no that's not true we have four years in between us four full years and um yeah i just like i i that that four years is uh there are certain things that sometimes i totally miss like i did not i am right on the cusp of never having watched beverly hills but i'm friends with so many people beverly hills 90210 was like such a part of their growing up but for me it was just i missed it completely i was child. But it is wild how many songs I know and you know that we memorized. And I don't memorize that many. Never have I ever felt so low. When you're gonna take me out of this black hole.

That other night, I put that on and we couldn't believe it. We know that. Jeremy, or not Jeremy, Better Man by... Pearl Jam. I learned Better Man by Pearl Jam just in the past year. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. I mean, I've always known it, but I never knew the lyrics by heart.

She lies and says she's in love with him. Yeah. Oh, no. The beginning of that. That first three weeks. Waiting, watching the clock. It's four o'clock. Four o'clock.

It's got to. That song, OAR, we know a lot of the words. The Bob Dylan song. I mean, we could keep lot of the words. The Bob Dylan song. I mean, we could keep going forever about the songs that we both know. But yes, you're right. There's certain songs that very much our generation was obsessed with. The other day, Noah, you had mentioned the song Sexual Healing. And I looked up the Ben Harper version because I got into the Ben Harper version

before the Marvin Gaye version because Because for some reason, it just got very trendy when I was in high school. This live Ben Harper version. And then I got into the Marvin Gaye. But you go, wait, why do I know this song? I love this song. And I was like, because for some reason, it had a resurgence from the hippie community. I wonder if it came from a movie.. I wonder if it came from a movie. Sometimes I think maybe it came from a movie.

No, we were trading tapes, all of us DMB heads. Anyway, let's get to the next story. Okay, next story. The toilet... Oh, this one's going to hit close to home for me. But the toilet-invading iguanas among invasive species now banned in Florida. Okay, why are they toilet invading? What will happen is they'll dig underneath your house and get

in the sewer and then they'll end up inside your shitter just hanging out. And thrashing around. Oh, poor things. There's a lot of iguanas here in the Caymans. They're like squirrels, as my British friend calls them. I haven't seen

one it's funny they have like iguana crossing signs like non they're not trying to be funny it's like watch out for iguanas and there have been none i thought i was gonna see them everywhere and it's some kind of climate change thing or they like have eradicated them a little bit or something because they were kind of invasive but it's yeah i've been dying to see one um i so they're banned in florida so they're yeah people are bringing them in are they like exotic pets so i think that's how this started in the 60s they brought someone there was you know the iguanas someone brought them in they have them as pets and it's not just iguanas it's it's snakes burmese pythons all that shit

they don't want them anymore because they're ruining the everglades what i assume happens is someone buys a snake this thing gets to 19 feet yeah and they're like i live in a in a studio like i don't even have room for me and they let it go throw it in the everglades yeah we had a snake growing up my family my brother bought a burmese snake a burmese python snake and he went to college when it was like, I don't know, three feet. And this thing's going to get to 15 feet. He just left a snake. Who leaves a snake behind?

I mean, so what became of it? Did you let it out? It died pretty, like, you know what happened with the hermit crabs with you? Like, I think, I don't want to point any fingers but i think someone stopped feeding it and um i don't want to point any fingers though but watching that thing kill a mouse what a rush what a rush i know but oh my drug dealer neighbor shot a bullet into our house and the bullet went through the snake um i don't know if i ever told you it killed the snake no it didn't kill the snake but it went through the snake cage or the snake um what don't know if i ever told you it killed the snake no it didn't kill the snake but

it went through the snake cage or the snake um what you want to call it whatever aquarium yeah like through the glass whoa and shattered it wired yeah just a little right through wow and uh i know it's like the most florida story ever but yeah you know the most florida story ever is when you got caught speeding on a jet ski in a man-t-zone. Yes, yes. And you have a mugshot from it. Yeah, if you go to mugshots.com. I wanted to do this story because you're scared of lizards, and I think that's a hilarious fear. I'm afraid to pick up a lizard, no matter how small it is.

Smaller probably the more scared i am growing up in florida man like you would think you would uh you you would like lizards more because they're around so much you know like i would assume there's something in st louis a lot an animal that you wouldn't maybe hold more than i don't know i'm just saying there are a lot of lizards so a lot of kids would pick up lizards and put them on their ears yeah yeah little chameleons and i just never i never got what are they gonna do to you nothing you're scared of the cat that wanders in here sometimes too like your your fear of animals that can't hurt you are uh it's it's it it's weird to me because you're also you're not scared of certain but i'm not afraid of pitbulls and shit

i'm not afraid of like actual things that could maybe hurt you. I know most pit bulls are kind and gentle but yeah, I just, irrational fears bug me. Agreed. And that's like when I'm afraid of AIDS but then I have cancerous polyps in my asshole. That you don't get looked at. I don't even think about them. But you'll like chew off your hand

being nervous that you got AIDS because you made out with a girl who had a bruise on her arm. My fear of AIDS is my fear of lizards and my asshole is... Irrational fears are not about lizards. But you have irrational fears all the time. Yeah, I know. And I'm mad at yours because I get mad at mine. But I try to...

I guess your number one is the driving one. Yeah, that's not irrational. Huh? There's nothing irrational about that. Why? Two lane highways where people go more than 50 miles per hour. There are many more fatalities, especially with texting and driving, irrational about that why two lane highways where people go more than 50 miles per hour there are many more fatalities especially with texting and driving where if you turn the steering wheel two

inches you have a head-on collision going at 50 miles per hour each each direction that's a very real fear let's move on especially if a lizard's driving why would i care um okay why would you care nikki about this story? Anna Faris tells Gwyneth Paltrow that she had competitive and comparison in her marriage with Chris Pratt. I would care about that because I did Anna Faris' podcast, and she's a lovely woman, and I like her a lot. We had a great talk. And I was also always fascinated by their relationship because they got together before he was like the Chris Pratt that we know now. And it's just interesting that two people who do the same thing for a profession being in a romantic relationship,

I think that's just unavoidable that there's going to be competition. And I don't know how people make it work. And so I guess it doesn't work. I mean, he went from the chubby guy on Community to the biggest heartthrob on the biggest movie in the world and at the time she was probably bigger than him when they first got together and she arguably i mean she's a huge star still and is you know made probably as much money from doing mom and whatever other shows she's been on as he has a movie or close to it i mean she's she's, she's probably made a ton, but, um,

as someone who wants to be in a relationship with someone in the business, I don't think I can be with someone who is in front of the camera because of how jealous I get and of how jealous they will get. I mean, to be in this business and want to, to be a star, you have to be, um,

you have to be insecure, and insecurity breeds jealousy. And it's just, I don't think, I'd have to get to a much better place. And I think I'd be better with it than my partner, but I feel like most men in this business that are drawn to wanting to be famous can't handle other people being more famous than them. Yeah, it's hard for me to talk to you right now. You're not like that, but you're... I am a little bit.

I mean, I just like, I don't know. I set expectations low. Yeah. And I don't reach... I'm getting better about it, but I would have to enter into a relationship where they're already such a bigger star than me that I would never...

That's what I'm saying. So if you went into a relationship with someone that was beneath you and then next thing you know, they're fucking skyrocketing. How would you feel? It might bug me. But I would hope it wouldn't. But I don't know that I've done enough work on myself that it wouldn't.

All right. That's the news. And let's get to. Wait, do we care? Do we care? I do care. I think that's an interesting story. And I'd like to explore more, but we don't have time because we got to get to game changer

game changer is where we share something that has changed our lives that we recommend for you to check out my game changer is breakfast I did not eat breakfast for probably the past 18 years of my my life and it was because I thought that you know I ate so much last night I don't want to I'm just going to eat as much today if I'm not that I'm not that hungry in the morning I should just skip it and about a year ago I started my like eating was getting out of control in terms of like starving myself all day and binging at night so I started eating eating breakfast, which is really hard to do, especially after you have, because you have to just start one day and you've binged the night before. So you're not even hungry in the morning, but I just started. And now I don't binge at night anymore because I start eating in the morning and throughout my day. And I don't, I'm not as obsessed with food throughout the day.

And I'm not like thinking about food and irritated because I can't wait for this thing to be over so I can go home and eat or be alone with food or like oh like I you know when you're starving all you're thinking about is like when can I get food and when you only allow yourself to eat at a certain time of day or alone or do your weird behavior it affects your entire day and because I wake up every morning and I have two bowls of oatmeal with protein powder that is a very filling like 600 calorie breakfast which by the way used to I would not eat 150 calorie breakfast that would have made me feel guilty in the past so starting out my day with 600 calories every morning no what, and not having gained a single pound from it this year and having come from, um, you know, binging every night, like thousands of calories every night

and being able to also incorporate a 600 calorie breakfast every day. And then that tapering off as I learned how to eat more normally and not having seen any side effects. And I didn't up my, I didn't up my running. I actually started working out way less. I don't work out as much anymore. I'm not as obsessed with food anymore. And it's all due to having three meals a day, but really most importantly was,

was breakfast because that was the biggest struggle. But I have had two bowls of oatmeal for a year now, every single morning, no matter what. Um, and when I can't get oatmeal, I have like a, you a you know a couple protein bars or whatever i can do on the go but plain oatmeal two stevia lots of water our phone is ringing and two scoops of protein uh scoop per bowl of oatmeal heat it up for two minutes you guys it's so freaking good. And I got Andrew hooked on it. So chocolate protein powder, that's what I do.

And then you can add like varieties of oatmeal that are different flavors. So that's my game changer. That's what I would like to share with you. Andrew, what's your game changer? So it's got to be this Tommy Bahama shirt. Oh God, here we go. I mean, I never thought I

was going to have one of these in my life. No, honestly, I love, I've been copying you a lot, like, to the point where it's, like, starting to weird me out a little, like, talented Mr. Ripley. I copied your breakfast, and I apologize. Yeah. But that used to be a thing in the past where, like, you didn't love when I would get the same coffee as you. Like, you're like, why you got to get a misto i that's my thing yeah get it we can't both get chicken parms at the restaurant but i've been copying your breakfast and it is a great

thing not to promote oatmeal more but if you're like like not lazy but you don't love to cook and like cooking eggs you got to clean like three different oatmeal is the instant oatmeal. I don't know why I always thought it was some like, like protein and some like chocolatey sugary goodness that, you know, a low sugar protein. I use or gain, not an ad. Great base. Delicious. And yeah, I used to get irritated. Would you would eat the same thing as me? Because I always, i'm someone who's like comes from an anorexic background i always want to eat less than everyone so when you eat the same as me it's like it's a boy eating the same as me i feel

like oh i must be eating like a boy i'm so fat but now i literally eat more for you for breakfast every single day and i don't give a fuck awesome yeah i just don't care i mean i've been judging it a lot yeah well it's not about you judging it it's just about me yeah but yeah no i i and uh but i guess my game changer mostly it's exercise for me uh for a long time i don't know what it was i had um a very adverse reaction to exercising is that the right way to say I don't know what it was. I had a very adverse reaction to exercising. Is that the right way to say it? I don't know. Yeah, you would get like heart palpitations.

You would get like anxiety after working out. I would get very tired the day after working out to the point where I would avoid it and then ignore it. And so much of it was mental. And you would tell me it was mental. But you know, when things are physical and even because they are mental, you can't, no matter, if if because they are mental you can't no

matter if someone tells you that you have to come to that realization yourself you can't you can't get it to go away unless you believe it's mental too yes exactly just hard to do when you're having a physical reaction which is does not mean that it's not actually physical but it's coming from your anxiety and what i've noticed with my exercise, and I don't know if people, I thought it was a new thing, these HIIT exercises, H-I-I-T. Yeah, HIIT. Instead of doing heavy weights and getting jacked.

I don't know. There are workouts you can do at home, and they really, if you have ADD like I do, they switch up every day. Just running monotonous is too hard for me so i don't know i like doing these workouts yeah and it makes the rest of my day better like dude i'm so much more at ease and i what a revelation i know a lot of people i know it's no no but why is it so hard to exercise if it just makes you feel better? Like, why is it?

I mean, I'm really asking. Well, I mean, I explained it. Like, I was having, I was not getting positive results from working out. I was feeling worse. How'd you get over that, though? We don't have an answer to that. Potentially Zoloft. Okay, so I feel like Zoloft's your game changer.

Noah, do you have a game changer? We got there. Thanks for telling me what mine is. You let me have your game changer. Noah, do you have a game changer? We got there. Thanks for telling me what mine is. You let me have my game changer. Yeah, go over there and find your puka shell necklace and take your Zoloft. Do you have one, Noah? I think people subconsciously have a fear of success,

and I think that plays into why we don't work out why we don't do positive things for ourselves because we're um we like like fear success i can't explain it but once once you get over it and antidepressants have helped me with that too it just kind of like breaks that that wall that you put up between you and something successful. Yes. Let's move into final thought because that actually brings me perfectly into mine. Final thought of the day where we kind of just say something that maybe we wanted to get to and didn't get a chance to as quickly as possible. There's a great Reddit video about conquering fear.

Are you okay? No, it looks like your thing is about to fall out. Okay. Anyways. Thank you. Yeah. fear are you okay no it looks like your thing's about to fall out okay anyways thank you yeah there's a great reddit um video about conquering fear um that i saw last night it's this little boy who has autism who is uh scared of cold water and his dad is in the bathtub trying to get him to he's probably like seven or eight the the boy. And he's just terrified of

the cold water. And his dad is like, and he's like, dad, I don't want to get in the dance in the bath. And he's like, I don't want to get in. I don't want to. I just related to it so much of having this like crazy fear that like makes you feel such like a baby because you're scared of this thing, like bath water, you know? And the kid is like just so scared. And his dad goes, you know what? This is a less a lesson he goes we have to do this you have to do this because there are things we're scared of and you have to face them and this is going to teach you that fear you can overcome fear and it was just the cutest lesson the kid like it was a five minute video and i don't cry but i was real close to it on this it was so

adorable just seeing a dad so compassionate so you know still stern and making his force like helping his son like do something he didn't want to do but at the same time like i'll no i'll send it to you so we can or i'll put it up on my instagram for you guys to see tonight but the video is just so sweet and inspirational and it's uh if you want to look it up it's a dad um teaching his son to get out of the bathtub or to get into the bathtub. And the mom is filming it and people are like, why is the mom filming it?

And it's like, this is a, he does a YouTube channel. The dad does to help like for parents of kids with autism to like, you know, track. I don't, I don't really know what it's like a diary of like what it's like to,

for other parents, because it's such a, like a tricky, complicated thing. But it's just the sweetest video and and i wanted to share that yeah no i uh it makes me think of when my dad would make me eat my peas i know i was thinking like i was actually thinking about you when you watched it and i was like i i bet he'll get emotional because i wonder if his dad ever did no i don't don't think. I don't remember. Come on, Andrew, you can do it.

I know you're scared, but you can do it. I don't remember that at all. I mean, I remember I didn't eat my peas on my plate, and he'd be like, eat your pea. Like, I just remember eating everything except the peas. Did you ever do that as a kid, eat around the vegetables? Well, you like veggies, but as a kid, I wouldn't go. I didn't eat a vegetable for probably the first 20 years. Yeah, my parents didn't acknowledge the vet well you like veggies but as a kid i wouldn't go and i didn't eat a

vegetable for probably the first yeah my parents didn't acknowledge the fear of like i understand you're scared and things are scary in life but we have to do scary things it was more like that's what are you talking about you're that's stupid and then like and now i have the voice of that gentle parent in my head for myself i I've learned. And my parents weren't mean. They just didn't understand empathy, really. That's exactly how I feel. The same exact way where it was like they were frustrated. Where it's like, how could you be afraid of this?

Yeah, which I get sometimes. Yeah. I still do. I mean, I don't understand why you're scared of lizards. And I'm mad at you for it. And I would not be like that, Dad. Actually, go get in the bathtub right now and have a lizard crawl up through the pipe

and I'll hold your hand and make you eat peas. That's the show today, guys. We'll be here tomorrow. Thank you for listening. As always, subscribe. As always. I've said as always because people say that, but I haven't said

As I haven't said it enough to say as always At the end of the day Nikki Oh my god we're on a TV show where people keep saying At the end of the day and also For what it's worth First and foremost So first and foremost and for what it's worth At the end of the day we gotta go

Alright we'll see you tomorrow guys Rate, review Subscribe all those things End of the day, we got to go. All right. We'll see you tomorrow, guys. Rate, review, subscribe, all those things. Spread the word. Thanks for listening. We're going to be doing this a while, and I'm excited. Have a great day, night, morning, whatever. Whatever. Whatever.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else.

Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson.

Listen to Minnie Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. You are cordially invited to... the hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing,

and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding

dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.