The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #202 Don't Be A Streaker

Episode Date: April 13, 2022

Nikki believes people are the funniest when they are sick, she even discussed this with John Mayer. She and Andrew discuss robots taking over the world. Then lighten the mood by sharing funny stories about David Spade and Norm Macdonald. Andrew has a very big confession that takes up the entire news segment. Nikki's Reddit Dump has a lot of gems including a dog having a bad day, cool things to know, Carlisle Forrester's restaurant video. In The Final Thought Nikki gives Andrew a present from a Bestie and talks about her experience meeting them in Canada.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hey guys, it's Nikki. Here I am. I'm Nikki Glaser. Welcome to the Nikki Glaser podcast. I am back in St. Louis, Missouri. Just looked at my schedule. Not going to be here for long, folks. Going on the road forever. I don't want to think about it. I only look at every day as it comes.

One day at a time, if I look at my schedule, I'm going to spend myself on this building. Andrew is here with us in the building. I'm going to set myself up on this building. Andrew was here with us in the building. I'm right here. He came up, you know, nine floors. Boom. Back in your old spot. Glad to have you. Noah's here, joining us from Arizona. She's a little under the weather today.

She said that, I said, do you have a cold? And she said, I have hit by a truck syndrome. Oh, no. It was really, people are so funny when they're sick and tired. Oh, just dumb. And just sick and tired of things. They're the funniest when they're just defenseless because that is what, I'm reading this book called The Humor Code that's about why things are funny.

Like scientists are trying to figure out, because people know why things are sad. People know why things are peculiar, you know, happy, but they can't figure out why things are funny. There's not like a math problem for it. So they're trying to figure it out. It's very fascinating. I just, I mean, I read a third of the first paragraph. Oh man.

I mean, I'm early. So you're in deep. Well, it's interesting because, but I do think that it has something to do with honesty. Obviously, I think that's part of the equation and i think when people are tired and sick they don't have time to put up the fakeness and so they get funny your defenses are down and you just get real and also you're kind of thinking about death because you're sick and so you're just kind of like fuck it what is this all for kind of thing

i told my mom about singularity today do you know about like singularity i know duplicity very well you know uh multiplicity the michael keaton film great movie what are you guys talking about singularity well i believe it's when the machines the robots become smarter than us and then they take over okay and my mom had never heard of it and my dad's like that's been debunked and i'm like no dad sam harris like believes it's gonna happen my dad was like really like we are just like disciples yeah um but my mom goes what does that mean and i go well at some point robots are going to be computers are gonna be smarter than us and as soon as they learn that they are they're not gonna take our shit anymore and they're gonna instantly enslave us like and it's not gonna be like the robots are invading europe and like they're moving across they now

they're coming over on the ships it's going to be immediate everywhere like a robot's just gonna burst in here like that fucking nfl robot yeah like and just be like slaves and like and he's just gonna make us slaves and make us i don't know what we're going to have to do, but I feel like we might understand what factory farmed animals feel like someday. And I think it's going to be very ironic. And my mom goes, she's making a sandwich and putting pickles on it.

And my dad goes, can I have this pickle? It's the last one. She's like, I don't care. I'm going to kill myself. I don't want to live with these machines taking over. When's this happening? She's just so sad now i mean you're not gonna have time to kill yourself mom it's gonna you're you're it's not gonna be like warning warning

robots coming it's gonna be all of a sudden your amazon alexa will be like bow to me also machines already the weather run our lives like we're pretending like this is all gonna happen it's happening our phones run our lives computers run our lives we're relying on everything i know we're pretending like this is all going to happen. It's happening. Our phones run our lives. Computers run our lives. We're relying on everything. I know we're not. It's the illusion that we're not though. I was telling my dad about,

I think we talked about it one time on Reddit dump about how there was someone who was like, explain like I'm five in that subreddit about why does it feel like my phone's listening to me if it's not? And someone had written a whole thing being like the phones aren't listening to you it's that's not it you just think they are sometimes because they get so hyper specific and that's almost scarier than them listening to you because it just means that you're predictable

based on all the info they have so they gave an example of like you know if suddenly i was talking to noah earlier today where we weren't talking on text about like a i really want to get a magenta oversized sweatshirt and we were having coffee well and then later on a magenta oversized sweatshirt shows up in my instagram feed what that could be like a way that they could find that is that maybe a girl is at the cafe we're at with an oversized sweatshirt that her information knows she just got equals it's new. It looks good. They also have information on this girl that she's kind of an influencer.

She has a lot of likes equals she probably is influencing girls around the age of Noah and Nikki. We probably got into a conversation based on her sweatshirt because we were standing in line behind her. We ordered the same drink as her. We probably like the same things as her. We probably looked at that oversized sweatshirt and maybe talked about it and said, I need to get one. Maybe it knows that I have been buying things that are based on other data. Girls have bought oversized sweatshirt because of this pattern of buying. And then it realizes that I went to my sister's house and she just got a new magenta sweater or something. And it's brand new. And it

knew she might probably be wearing that. Thus, I would see that that's a cool color. It also knows that based on me and my sister, our phones being in the same place at the same time, we know each other. So we have a lot in common and probably share a lot of the same interests so then it would mix those two things and come up with this thing that is completely based on just all the all they're tracking other people's phones they're tracking where you go what you see what it knows you see what it knows it's just yeah it's spooky and that's how they think that's why we think they're listening to us, but they're not.

They just, that's almost crazier. Well, I mean, why are they gonna be such dicks though? Why would robots be such? Oh, because, because. Wouldn't there be some good robot, like Terminator? Why are we such dicks? No, I know, a lot of us are dicks, but a lot of us are good people.

You vegan robots, you mean? That go like, I don want to do this to these guys I only eat I only enslave plants I only eat the hair on the humans yeah maybe hairs don't have feelings or they only eat sociopaths that don't have feelings

that's interesting that's like the vegan robot look it's just interesting that they're gonna go from that thing whatever you're talking about the magenta know your sweater know your vibe well to killing you well here's an example so you know when you're a little kid and your dad beats the shit out of you your whole life the second you become bigger than him the power dynamic shifts you're not getting beat anymore you're not getting told what to do and now you're in charge the second you get stronger that you don't sound like you beat

your father but it suddenly it stops so the second thing yeah we are slave to us they're slave to us even if they're coming up with um ways for us to buy things or you know you know Roomba is a slave to me all he does all day is clean up my dust that's true is Roomba going to pick up a bow and arrow no Roomba isn't it's going to be more sentience does Roomba have consciousness no Roomba does not have consciousness

but it's not with it out like someday they could why do we keep going with this computer shit Boston Dynamics they make these fucking jumping dogs because they're not gonna be around when it happens and they also because money dude money yeah because war equals money and money no not robot war equals money i mean they might be aware of singularity and might also know what's gonna happen but they also might be like well while it's gonna happen

with or without me it's like when i get get Starbucks and I realize this is such a waste. This is going to end up in a landfill. It's not going to disintegrate. I'll be dead before this sees any disintegration, even if I live a long life. I still do it because is this going to make – You look so much like her right now with the same hair. Who? You look so much like the Starbucks girl right now.

It's crazy. Is this going to make a difference? If one scientist goes, I'm not going to contribute anymore because of singular singularity i don't want to help these robots someone else will i'm not gonna take that gig as a comedian because they're not paying me enough they're not gonna pay you more they're just gonna give someone else the gig that's gonna take that you know like this is the dilemma i love greed picturing a guy that has a sex robot and it's like starts choking him back. He's like, finally! I can come! But it kills it. He's like, all right, dude.

All right. I came, dude. Stop. Now we've switched over. This is the end for you. And he's like, well, it's not a bad way to go. Yeah, I'm still coming. Someone just gave the example about autoerotic asphyxiation.

And we're trying to um they were talking about it was a great analogy about oh i think it was honestly john mayer i was talking to john mayer about we were dming about honestly about comedy um he had posted something on his story i'm not trying to be like i'm saying you're a mayor but this was um so yeah he said something about humor like this is what comedy is and it was just I'm in his close friends thing you know like when it's green I'm always like oh I made this cut I'm gonna

look at what you're not bragging though I'm not bragging but no no it's funny that the sentence I'm going to my close friend it's only five of us no no it's definitely not five but if I'm on it it is not five and so I sent him I sent him that humor code book and i was like i just started this like this because he was trying to explain comedy like scientifically and i was like oh well this is a book that just started it was weird he goes i may have to check this out he says um oh he goes

oh this is great he says it's strange because um in my business of work, in my business, if the work doesn't hit, it's just not a hit or underwhelming. But if a joke doesn't hit, it's life altering. Like, you know, if you tell a bad joke,

you can lose everything. Whereas if John writes a bad song, it's just like, okay, well, he's still got the other ones. It would only feel as bad for John Mayer if it was one of his hits and he plays it at a full concert and no one sings along that would be the feeling of it would never happen i know but i'm just saying but it happens when he plays new music you know for sure i think it's

gotta it's gotta feel shitty to be the rolling stones and come out with a whole new album and no one gives a fuck oh my god and when you want to you want to play the new stuff so badly yes you don't want to play fucking but you but sometimes they do i mean i really would like to talk to musicians about and i'm not talking about like like i talk to anya sometimes about what's it like to play her ti cover whatever you like or you know the ones that like people request do you still have like but she doesn't perform every single night i want to talk to people that are like you know the eagles hotel california i want to talk to people that are like, you know, the Eagles, Hotel California. I want to talk to people that have been doing it for fucking 60 years playing.

Talk to the spin doctors. You can get in touch with them. Oh, my God. I love Two Princes. I know. Obsessed with that song. What other song do you like from them? Exactly.

Little Miss? Yeah. Oh, Little Miss, Little Miss, Little Miss, Camping Dong. I thought that was the same song, to be honest. And I think there's another one. But then John said, it reminds me of the Norm McDonald, Norm joke about auto asphyxiation. If you do it successfully, you have an orgasm that is one and a half more times powerful than a normal orgasm.

And if you do it incorrectly, you die. I knew that there was some, I don't know what I was trying to prove with that. Just that I know John Mayer and I'm talking to him in my DMs. No, but the Norm McDonald joke, that's a great joke. And it's like, I actually heard some great Norm MacDonald jokes. Recently? This weekend, like stories that I have never laughed. So I was choking laughing.

Which album? Or from an album? No, this was a story that Spade i went to dinner with again i know people are like she's changing name dropping i went to dinner with spade and adam eget who is norm's like best friend yeah co-host guy you would have loved these stories and i was trying to like screenshot them but i'm just gonna i'm gonna eventually call both these guys and have them retell it but just to norm used to do this thing to spade, where in the middle of the night, he would just write, David, like text him, like in three in the morning. And then he would be like, hello, like at three in the morning.

And Dave's like, he knew it was a joke because who's up at three in the morning? And he'd be like, he would wait two seconds before he wrote, hello. And then he'd go, David. And he'd go, Norm. And he'd go, I have a question for you. And he'd go, okay. And he goes, do you like money? And Dave would be like, yes, Norm.

And he goes, no, but I mean, like, do you like lots of money? Do you want to be richer than you could ever imagine in your wildest dreams? And then he would just, he would say, like, then I want you to bet half a million dollars on the coin toss for the game. Like, he would just always, but he would always text him. He would always go, David. And then you go, okay, Norm. And it would always be like, do you like money?

He would always try to get him to gamble or something, even though he knew it. Well, Norm was addicted to gambling. Yes. He's lost hundreds of thousands. You know, he never drove. He never drove. He never learned to drive. Who else? henry doesn't drive either oh probably because he's probably worries about what he's gonna like maybe he'll get voices in his head while driving i think a

lot of people just are scared of that kind of control like they it's almost like if you don't kiss someone or you don't have sex you miss the window and then you just become it becomes a bigger fear than it is yes yes there's another norm story i know i fucked that one up but it was so much i was choking when he was telling me there's another one where at snl he would pitch this sketch constantly where it was i know the homeless newspaper i think i know this one well he you know those homeless newspapers what oh you know like that the homeless people that sleep on oh they they homeless people hand out these newspapers okay and it's for like you know it's for a cause but it's just like a newspaper made by homeless people or like you know people you know social workers and he was he wanted to do a sketch where

it's like the newsroom for the homeless newspaper and it's just like reporting about like different bums around town and he would report he would pitch the sketch every single week and lauren would always go through the sketches and eventually go like and norm what do you have this week and you know nor would be like uh you know there's a homeless newspaper and he'd be like we're not doing it this week norm it's not gonna happen so eventually norm or lauren goes to jim downey the head writer and it's like it's wasting our time like please tell him to stop pitching this like it's just not it's never gonna we're never gonna do it you know it's and um and so you know jim downey went to norm and was like can you please you really gotta no more and norm's like okay yeah I won't no more next week

Norm and he just and there's a homeless newspaper like he goes right into it he's just he's so like fuck you like do whatever

that was his whole thing um yeah but yeah I mean he uh he would do things with Chris Kattan you know that story

oh my god that one's so good if you don't know it just google Howard Stern yeah Howard um Jim Brewer tells the story on Howard Stern With Chris Kattan, you know that story. Oh my God, that one's so good. If you don't know it, just Google. What is that on? Howard Stern. Yeah, Howard. Jim Brewer tells the story on Howard Stern about Jim really looking up to Norm during his time at SNL when Jim was there. And Chris Kattan being kind of like a pipsqueak and Norm not really having a lot of patience for it and doing this beautiful long-running joke that really paid off in the end.

And it's just so good if you want to listen to it. And Norm brought Artie on, Howard, for the first time. Really? That's how Artie met him. Oh, my God. I was listening to it the other day, and it was Howard being introduced to Artie through Norm. Oh, my God. And Artie had the funniest stories ever,

and you're like, and Norm was just setting him up, and he was like so, took a backseat to Artie, even though he was the main guest, you know what I mean? Yeah, Norm um just a generous he just seemed like a generous kind guy it was really sweet adam eagott i have to say who is you know norm's like best friend and co-worker and is working on a memorial for him and everything he told me um it was the first time i'd seen him in a while he moved to austin to kind of open joe rogan's new club and work on that and he used to be the

booker at the comedy store I love Adam Egan so freaking much and um the other night we were talking and he said you know I called him after Norm died because that was one I know Adam but like not very well but and I thought everyone's probably bombarding him and I reached out to him just to be like I left him a voice memo like I, I'm just thinking of you. And he called me back and we had a really long talk. It was just really lovely. It's taught me how to deal with people's grief when I feel like I have nothing to say or like it's not, I'd rather just stay away,

which also I got into with Whitney Cummings. Whitney Cummings helped me so much in how to be a friend to someone who lost a parent when you haven't lost a parent because losing parents, you are part of a special club that like people it's like doing mushrooms like you can't describe like your life is forever changed and no one who hasn't lost a parent can ever understand it and that's why I realized I always shut down when someone loses a parent like I kind of like I unfortunately like ghost them and it's not because because I can't reach

out to them like hey thinking of you like I, like, I mean, I can say that. I've done that before, but sometimes I just, I know that what I say is just gonna be, it's more annoying to deal with me trying to navigate their feelings and for them to make me feel comfortable because I'm so uncomfortable that I just leave them alone. And then I start avoiding them

because I can't see them two years after their mom died because it's in the air of like, why haven't we talked in forever? And I've had to make some amends for it and be like, I really dropped the ball when your dad died because I did not know what to say. But Whitney really helped me out. I'll talk about that in a second.

But I want to say when I, Adam Egan said, when Norm died, the number one person I talked to every day on the phone for hours, guess who it was? Noah, any guesses? When Norm died, Adam Egott got a call from this guy every single day

and he talked to him for hours about his grief and pain. Norm's dog walker. Unfortunately, it was Bob Saget. Oh. How fucked is that? I mean, but of course in in bob's passing we understand like how much of a hero he was in that way and he had dealt with so much grief in his life he would really step in for people when that would happen and um so i just like i really

felt for adam but also was like what a great thing gift you had in being able to talk to bob so much almost get norm's death was a gift to him because he wouldn't have had that big of a connection with bob i was talking about my reality show yesterday on a bunch of press calls by the way it's coming up may 1st i found out the number of viewers we need to watch the first the first two episodes are airing sunday night to get a second season yes Yes. We can do it. Oh. We need the besties, though. Okay.

We need you guys, and I will retweet you when you're watching it. I will give you a... You'll call them if their dad dies? I will. Promise? I actually would. I feel like I want to have some incentive if you watch our show, but it's May 1st on E!, and it really is important to me that you watch it live live and it's going to be a back-to-back episode.

And I know that I don't even have to convince you. You guys are excited, but I was promoting the show yesterday and I said like, one of the greatest things about it was that I got to have like a conversation with Bob that I didn't even want to have because I was like, Oh, I don't want to use my famous friends for the show. Like,

you know, they were like, we need famous people. Can you call some of them in the first two episodes? So we get the numbers. Yeah. Yeah. People are really tuning in for Bob Saget FaceTimes. That's really a big tease. You're like, we need famous people. Can you call some of them? But you should put it in the first two episodes so we get the numbers. Yeah, people are really tuning in for Bob Saget FaceTimes. That's really a big tease.

You're like, oh, the big opener. But he is in the episode. Oh, he is in the episode? But we had a real conversation that honestly was supposed to last 15 minutes because I wanted to do it in and out and not bother him. We talked for like an hour. And it ran late. And I had to call back David Spade another time because he was booked right after Bob. Thank God for that.

I wouldn't have had that conversation. So you look back and you go, oh, it all works out. Let's take a quick break. Andrew! Coming to iShop. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment

to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now plus you'll get special content just for podcast listeners like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines listen on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. Andrew, how have you been? What's going on in your world? I've been good.

I've been good. Playing a lot of golf. I have a confession to make. Okay, Usher. Saturday night, I had a little... Sex? Drinky poo. Oh, my God. I know. Really? Yeah. okay usher saturday night i had a little sex drinky poo oh my god i know really yeah well fucking that doesn't change anything no it doesn't and i and you know it there's so many reasons of

i think why i did it but uh yeah i don't know can i guess can i guess the circumstance uh sure um you were with your girlfriend having a lovely night it was wine it was probably just you two i'm guessing it was you were just feeling really connected feeling really like healthy good you had a good day and it just felt like uh why the fuck not yeah that's pretty much it yeah uh but okay i have another confession to make just come on you had another drink i fucked up there i didn't mean to say saturday night i meant friday night that happened okay okay well that's okay whatever but it was a glass of wine oh no you drank on friday no no no no no so i had a glass of wine. Oh, no. You drank on Friday. No, no, no, no, no. So I had a glass of wine. Wait, is that why you couldn't make it to Canada? Oh, yeah. Is that the confession?

Oh, no. Andrew. No, this was. Oh, you planned it because you wanted to get wasted in America. Here's the thing. What's the thing, bud? I think there's a million reasons why. I have literally no judgment.

I know. I didn't think you would judge me. I just want to say, like, I just want to let you know that that's not going to be helpful to you. And I would never judge you anyway. Here's the thing. Like, I think part of the reason why I haven't drank over—now, I'm not on antidepressants anymore. My brain is very different than it was even two years ago. I like what you're saying.

You know, you said you're not on Zoloft, but your brain is different now. So you got off drinking almost like you got on Zoloft. I got on Zoloft but your brain is different now so you got off drinking almost like you got on zoloft i got on zoloft when i got off drinking literally like and i've i've quit drinking in the past for six months seven months let's cut to the fucking chase how was it after how many years oh it was fucking great how much did you have no what did it feel like so i had a glass of wine yeah one glass that's it so i had a glass of red wine. I was like, okay, whatever. Then we went downstairs, and I had one kind of like a Mai Tai kind of drink. Yeah. Very sugary.

I didn't feel great. Yeah. I was like, all right, that's it. Two drinks. There's no – you know what? Part of it I wanted to test myself, I think, to see would that trigger a bender. So funny. Friday night I almost smoked weed.

Really? And it's been since august but i was this close and i told the openers that i was with because they were like do you want to smoke some weed and i was like that's all i ever have wanted when i smoked weed was people asking me i was always the one to be like let's smoke weed and they have to like get it feel like and for the first time since i quit weed someone was like do you want to smoke it we have some and it was after the show i just had a great show and i go no but will you just like smoke it in front of me and like i will decide if i want to or not because honestly i feel in control i feel like and then i was like i quit in

august and i explained i just went over like why i quit just to like reinforce it to myself and just to work my way through it and i go by the way if i decide that i want to have this after saying all these things that it contributes badly to my life you're gonna give it to me like i go because they were like now we don't want to give it to you like all the things you're listing and i was like and then i talked so fucking much and they were done they were so i think uncomfortable smoking in front of me after that even though i was like blow it in my face please and i'm just eating dinner while they're smoking weed um like a dog they just put it away and they actually left it they left me three joints accidentally shout out to uh tim and um dana they're a married couple that does comedy they left the weed accidentally and so i had these

joints on me in in a uh in um in canada in this place in winnipeg it's legal, recreationally. And I went to the hotel. There were some vagrants out there. I got met, by the way, at the hotel by a mob of fans. Oh, that's great. That walked up on me like it was, they were about to attack me. They were so slow walking.

I think one of them maybe had a limp or something, so they were walking the pace of that person. But they came out of the shadows at night. I always feel bad because they're waiting so long, and I taking my time and then finally get to the hotel and they come out and they want me to sign all these things and not address them to anyone because they're going to sell them on like they just like collecting autographs without um writing like to daniel and then this other guy pulls up creepily in his and i i even said them i go you guys can't look really creepy because they're just like walking like a really like like thriller like out of the shadows like a mob of

like just skeletons and i go you guys look creepy and they're like oh sorry and you know every time they're reaching in to get a pen i'm thinking they have a gun i mean i'm just thinking there's nothing that the driver is just unloading my bags no one there to help me that's where i was like i need security because how do these people know where i'm staying how the fuck do they know i mean it's the nicest hotel in winnipeg maybe so i'll make this fast but um they had me signs of they were very nice they all took pictures they're so sweet these people that are autograph hounds always have real cameras too by the way no phones real cameras that are like wind like crank crank crank like wind up then this guy comes that i met at the meet and greet i remember meeting him because he just i could tell he had something else to say which is a common thing for besties i want to say

is that they get very nervous and i can tell they love they have so much to tell me and that they want to tell me but they get so nervous which i relate to because i felt that way with every celebrity that's meant something to me that i meet and i just always am like like calm down like just think what you want to say because i know you want to say more and they just can't get it together but i relate and they always dm me later like i don't know i'm shout out to robin with a y she had this happen to her where i was like this bitch and i have a lot in common but she's freaking out a little bit but she was so they're so sweet anyway this guy had a lot more to say but I didn't kind of really want to hear it. It was one of those guys.

He wasn't a bestie. Next to the mob, I'm signing all these things. Kind of like it's late at night. There's some meth addicts like shouting and stuff by the entrance too. It's like fucking, Winnipeg's the murder capital of Canada, or in Manitoba.

It's kind of scary. And the driver's not helping me at all. Then this car pulls up. I recognize the guy from the meet and greet. He's the one that kind of gave me and the driver's not helping me at all then this car pulls up i recognize the guy from the meet and greet he is the one that kind of gave me a weird creep feeling and i think it's because he's probably on the spectrum a little bit and just awkward but he comes up and he extends his hand and i shake it again i go i remember you hi good to see you and he's like i am i uh and he's just very he, he's definitely like special in a way that like not, he's probably smarter than all of us, you know, and like he, his brain's like a

computer. He's probably the computers taking over and coming to get me. And he's like, you know, I want to, I wrote a movie script for you, which I get a lot of that where people write movies with me in mind or they say they do. But I do generally believe that people they write a fucking movie for me yeah and i'm not gonna be in this guy's movie i don't have time to even read it and i know that and i told him i go listen i i want to say i'd read it but i just won't he's like can i is there anyone i can send it to i gave him my assistant's email because i

said this guy like found my hotel you weird you go do i reward this amount of effort even though it's like kind of breaching my yeah boundaries in terms of like i should be able to stay at a hotel and not have people waiting out front spade when he came to town i'm gonna take an umbrage with the fucking st louis airport he told me that when he came to town did he tell you this yeah the greeter yeah there is a guy guy there are autograph hounds inside past security and i said well i guess kind of i kind of like their commitment to like buy a plane ticket he goes no no no they didn't buy a plane ticket the the airport doesn't deal with them and lets them in which is insane that's why you shouldn't be able to do that and his fucking greeter who's not a greeter who just knew he was landing landing, meets him at the gate, leads him out, which we don't need help.

He already like he can walk to the fucking security, like the baggage claim. And then that guy says, I'm coming to the show tonight. And can we get backstage and meet you? And he's like, you're meeting me now. I mean, he's so nice. So I think he like and he doesn't do meet and greets. It's just like that. I just I just have such good fans that

have such good boundaries with me and like i love so much and we write all the time like and when they write me something and i'm too busy to write back they don't get mad at me but then there's these other ones that are so delusional i feel bad because this guy wrote a whole movie and i don't know what to do i mean here's so much work part of it is yeah he did so much work to find out where you were he wrote the whole damn movie he has one shot because he lives in winnipeg he's probably hard oh my god so he took his chance god bless him for doing it because you know what a lot of people wouldn't do it that being you know i and maybe i'll give it to someone to read for me and if it is this like diamond in the rough script, like amazing.

I don't know, though, if it's meant to be, it will be. If he went through all that effort, it's probably. I mean, the biggest news story is that you drank. I just can't even believe this. Let's get to the news. But like, let's let's talk about it in the news. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first.

Oh, man, it's Tuesday, folk. You know what that means? Andrew is an alcoholic and he's drunk. No, it's folk. You know what that means? Andrew is an alcoholic and he's drunk. No. No, it's Tuesday. You know what I mean? It's Tuesday. Having all the swells.

Yeah. So Friday night. Here's the thing is when you tell people you don't drink, right? One, you don't drink. So part of it was I think I haven't drank for a lot of reasons. But because you don't want me to judge you. I think one of many. Again, not asking for that.

Again, I'm not putting it on you. Okay. I'm not. But it's, you know, you're acknowledging it's a thing. I'm just being honest. Yes, totally. I'm being honest. I like it.

You don't drink. The green room, like I've seen comics that do drink that get, you know, after two drinks, they're fun. Five drinks, they're kind of angry and moody. And you notice a change. And it's annoying. You mean everyone who drinks? Yeah. Is anyone better after two?

Two drinks, people can be better. Yes, yes. One, two, I actually like a lot of people better. After two, no one is better. No one is better. one is better so I think part of it was you don't drink I'm with you it is what it is a lot of comics and you've said this before that are successful have stopped drinking they become addicted to stand-up but it's still a positive addiction yeah whatever you replace it so that was one reason why I haven't drank

the other reason is hangovers. I'm not as productive. I lose a day. I hate fucking losing a day. Yeah, that's why I quit. The hangover. The drunk was not a problem. The hangover was the problem. I've had plenty of rock bottoms where you would think, this is probably the time someone

Yeah, we've heard about them. You almost died in a car from overheating, like a baby that was left at a fucking Home Depot parking lot. It's a robot that was trying to get me. Yeah. That happened to me. Yeah. We've had some bad times with alcohol.

So when you tell people you don't drink and had some bad times with alcohol so when you tell people you don't drink and then it becomes kind of like when you drink a lot and you're a party guy you get rewarded that's your thing yes you get rewarded too if you're the silver guy because then you're like wow look at you you don't you don't drink i think you right it's about a streak everyone wants to keep a streak you can't just be moderate is boring. Extremes are what we do. We do all or nothing. And in between means we'll pick a fucking lane, dude. You just look like you're confused.

You don't know who you are. When really moderation is the key. Moderation is the best. I don't drink because I cannot moderate. Yes. And if I could, I would drink. Yes. And I think at this point in my life, I really feel confidently that I can moderate almost

everything except for golf. The thing is, if you can't moderate it, you'll find out and then you can stop again and it won't discredit the, first of all, the great news is if it does, if you wake up one day and you're like fucking hungover and you're like, wow, I'm back to the way it was. The beauty is you already know you can do it. Yes. know what that life is yeah i have no problem with this i mean i really i i'm not i wasn't looking for you to be like i know but i'm just saying like i want to just make it clear my point though is that like you also when you tell people you don't drink then if you're around them and you're like you know what i can have a fucking beer like whatever

they go oh my god no dude not on my watch you can't yeah like the other night with the pot yeah i'm like i'm not i didn't go it's not like if you go if you go to aa whatever you i do have addiction to my family my mom's an alcoholic you're addicted to golf right now like you have you're an addict i'm an addict but i think i'm addict ish because there are many things that i've quit that a lot of people can't. You know what I mean? Right, but I can quit alcohol. Alcohol was not my addiction.

My eating disorder is my addiction. But the thing is when my eating disorder is I can't do it, I will flip to something else. Yes. So what we're always doing with addiction is going to the one that's the least harm to us. Truly, like when Will Smith slapped chris rock he has he has an addiction problem for sure an anger problem he has feelings that he's not addressing he that was the best thing he could do in that moment that would cause the least harm to him and to others unfortunately yeah and that's what we're always doing you know i have a friend who is a bulimic

and she's really trying to not be and she'll get like you know four days without binging and purging and then she'll go i fucking binged last night and then we just talk about it and i go who can't like guess what you probably fucking needed that thank god you had that drug because what if you didn't what would you you have done? Drown your dog? Beat your dog? Like, punch a wall? Break your hand? Incur a bunch of debt because you can't afford?

Like, who knows? Yeah, it goes out another way. We should really celebrate these. This is what is going to free us from addictions, or free me at least, is when I do indulge in things that I regret. I just say thank God for it, because if I didn't have it, it would be something worse. Yeah. I think there's definitely a positive in having two drinks and then whatever. Like the positive to me – Do you feel it the next day?

So here's the thing. So then I wake up the next day. I feel fine. I go to the gym. I play golf because I had two – like I didn't even – I used to get rats from two drinks. I know. But I went to bed at like 10.

It wasn't even like a thing. Then I went to the comedy club that night and I had a little bit of a gin and tonic. Kevin McCarthy. Okay, I don't know. Great guy from New York. St. Charles or Westport? Westport.

Westport. So then I drank a very little bit about that night, but it wasn't like, I swear like I've- You don't need to explain it. No, no, I'm talking to people. You need a couple sips. When you have like... I know my bender brain.

I know my brain of needing this or feeling it or needing to get away from something or needing to feel comfortable in something. You know when people have good boundaries with alcohol when they go, it made me feel kind of disoriented and sick and I just didn't like it.

That's someone who like... Well, that's me with weed. Yeah. Knowing that this doesn't actually feel good so I'm going to stop here. Whereas if you're an addict, that feeling of being disoriented and feeling not like yourself

is all you're looking for. Just get away from me. Yeah. So the fact that you realize this feeling... I like me feeling i like me i like me now yeah yeah i don't need to like i feel the same way about drinking i could go and do it again for me though i just know when i have indulged in things that i think i have with weed especially every time i've gone nine months and then i go i'm just gonna have one and this was

what stopped me the other night like a weed baby the last time after nine months I was with a meal and um uh Bloomington and we were like hanging out and I was like I'm gonna fucking break the seal I deserve a fucking joint at the end of this weekend of shows I'm with my buddy a meal I'm in Bloomington this college town and I smoked weed the next day we went to lunch and I

was like do you have that weed like I wanted it immediately again because the feeling is because I was in pain I and I was like, do you have that weed? Like I wanted it immediately again because the feeling is, because I was in pain. And I wanted, I found a quick treatment for that pain that felt like, you know, and at that point it wasn't affecting my memory.

It wasn't doing all the things that eventually does, which I just, I'm in so much chronic pain in terms of like mental anguish that I just can't do those things last night i was in some pain like um or yesterday i guess this whole week just tired and stuff and last night i was brushing my teeth to bed and i was putting on my serums and i was like for some reason i got overwhelmed by like how like touching it was and like self-care like i was almost like

rubbing my own skin and like putting on and i go i put on serums like that's such a loving thing to do for myself to make me feel moisturized and like almost like a like a baby's like skin like Johnson and Johnson even though they cause cancer and they deny it and they uh but you know just like being just gentle and I was like what I want to do other good things for like baby Nikki like what does she deserve and I like went in bed and I like wrote in my journal and I was just writing about like I just like want to be nice i like want to it was so cute i caught myself being kind to myself and i was like i'm gonna keep this train going i swear to god i woke up this morning also i watched a pedophile documentary last night three hours of a pedophile documentary baby nikki would have wanted so my brain was like in some dark places and then i started i journaled

i got some feelings out i woke up this morning it was so weird and i just laid in bed and i was like because i'm trying to do that louise hay thing of being grateful for it you have so you get more gifts and i was like i love my life i am grateful that i get to go get injections in my face today like i am so injected right now i'd be like little i got a bunch of filler and stuff and i was like i'm grateful instead of being like why do i have to go do this like i'm i'm so mad that my face has lines in it and like i have to go get this painful thing because i'm a woman and it's not fair i was just like i'm grateful that i have this bed i haven't changed the seats in a while i'm grateful i get to maybe go see my dog and then on i am just in a gratitude place and it just sometimes i just ride that wave

and it's so good yeah just when you were smoking when you were smoking weed though do you think that you could have been in that place and the same questions for andrew because i think the point that maybe you're you're missing is um you know it's not how you feel in the moment when you drink but yes do the feelings of depression come afterwards i i had a little bit yes yesterday a little bit of like regret or depression just because i was feeling a little bit tired more tired it's always like a couple days for me after drinking it's not even the next day which is almost more dangerous because you can't really trace it to that yeah you're you're like, oh, no, it must have been the oysters I ate that morning. But I had like my nose, my skin gets dry right when I first time I drink.

So my body's already being like, okay, dude, you did it. Because you put poison in it. Yeah, and you dry and you don't, you know, you get drunk. I don't put the serums. I don't drink enough water. I eat fried food at night. I got to work on that bit about like it's not liquid courage. It doesn't make you like do the things you really want to do.

It makes you stupider, which is fine. Sometimes you just need to get a little stupid. I think that's what – yeah. And I think I've been living for like – It's fun to get out of your mind. When you don't drink for a while, you just – I start living for like just you can't drink. Oh, you know, like all this like thoughts of like and i think i was kind of rebelling against whatever those but that's all in my head but that's good too like

yeah being easy on yourself and like i catch me in texas because your boy's gonna have some jaeger bombs well that's how i felt about the weed the other night is like i was so scared of feeling like i didn't i broke and i was gonna have to tell Chris, Chris is, and smoking weed, it was a big reason I did it was because of my boyfriend, because I was like, I know that it leads to me wanting to like smoke before things like that. I'm nervous about, or like be high for this movie or whatever.

I read something recently that said that, why is it that weed, weed only makes, weed doesn't make bad things better. Weed only makes good things better, and they're already good. People are always like, let's smoke weed and eat pizza and watch a movie. It's like, why don't you just eat pizza and watch a movie? Weed is never like, oh, I'm going to smoke weed because I'm going through a breakup.

It's always like, let's go to the park and smoke weed. Just go to the park, or I'm going to listen to Dave Matthews and smoke. But I get wanting to be out of your head it makes you dance a little bit more i am the what noah was saying my so carlisle has been sober for a really long time and she really struggles with weed i mean she and i are very similar in that way she is totally sober right now not even on any like meds which i'm on meds thank god to regulate my depression and stuff but she the other day was having a bad day

I love how I talk about Carlisle in this in like air out all her secrets but she's such an open book that I don't think she'd mind and she listens to the pot so I would know already

if she was bothered and you send you say her Instagram and I you know give her money that she pays me back we all know that so Carlisle Forrester

who please support her actually on her Instagram she is working these insane shifts at this restaurant She's making great videos She is making amazing videos from the restaurant About her experiences

They're so good They really help you become a better consumer Because they're so funny And we should play one for the Reddit dump But she Is really Please follow her and support her It would mean a lot to me and I know her.

Like every follow means something to her and she's just well worth following. But she was saying the other day on our group chat that we have that she got into a fight with her boyfriend when she was in the car. And she just like snapped and was like screaming and like crying in the car. Like it was related to just working too much and all this stuff. And she said, you know, in that moment I thought if I could smoke weed I wouldn't have done that I would not have screamed like it was just I couldn't handle the feelings and I just lost it and I looked like a psycho and people were staring from other cars and she said if I could have smoked weed right then like it makes me just want to fucking smoke weed again like what am I gonna do and she goes and like I watch like people like chelsea handler like smoking weed like skiing and in a

hot tub like celebrating their success like what so i'm gonna go like if i ever get success i'm just gonna like be sober and like not celebrate like what's the point of having success if you can't like let loose and then i just i private messaged her because i was like could tell she was struggling and i said listen when i'm hearing this I totally get it of like, why not? Fuck it. You know, I'm feeling all these feelings. It would, it truly would. If she would have smoked weed, she wouldn't have screamed at her boyfriend and been embarrassing in traffic. But the truth is it just numbs you out for that time. And the screaming at your boyfriend is, it's always on the other side of it you're just delaying the inevitable so it's like when you drink or you smoke weed it's unless you're doing it just for fun in that

moment to just like feel a little loose if you're going if you're doing it to get away from something you're just procrastinating this feeling because it's not only is it going to still be there because it's not treating that feeling the feeling is going to come back so much worse because you're going to feel bad that you like which you shouldn't feel bad i don't think any if we took away the guilt of like oh i went on a bender we would be a much better society but the guilt around breaking your abstinence or breaking your streak is so much worse than than you just just let yourself have it like the girl that I talked to that binged, I go, good, fucking yay.

But guess what? You don't have to do that again if you don't want to. So you had one, all right. Like I want us all to be as gentle with that. Like I have gained weight recently because I am overeating a lot because I'm feeling my feelings. That is my only drug I still kind of let myself have.

I don't starve myself. I can't do that drug I can't exercise but sometimes I overeat not to the point where I'm like regurgitating like I used to like I used to be every single night I would eat until I was literally throwing up without sticking my finger down my throat but I eat sometimes where I'm like I am not hungry I just want to do this because I'm bored and I know I'm doing something bad i know i'm not being a very recovered good like anorexic or like normal eater but i fucking need it because i'm feeling something and i'm in pain so it's like a goddamn band-aid for my feelings and so be it and like thank god i have it and tomorrow's a new day and i can start over and streaks are dumb streaks are what fucking instagram and

tiktok and duolingo and all these things wordle streaks are what they're a device that have been used because they know humans love streaks and they hate breaking streaks they're used to shame you so you keep using these programs that's why every snapchat has streaks oh you guys have talked this many days because i want you to keep using it because they know we are susceptible to streaks. Oh, you guys have talked this many days. Because they want you to keep using it. Because they know we are susceptible to streaks. So do not be a streaker. First of all, don't run naked in the middle of a baseball stadium. But also, a streak should mean something to you if you're sober. I'm glad that people do that.

But it's one day at a time. And you can always start over. And I think the problem with streaks is once you throw in the towel, throw, okay, well now let's fucking go. You can pick, you can just go back and you can just cut that day out.

Who gives a fuck? It was funny. You were, you're still sober to me. I was, I was, and even if I'm not, it doesn't negate that three years at all.

No, I'm happy for the three years. Again, I've done. Seriously. If I hear you tell someone that you're sober, I'm just kidding. Well,

it's funny because I got on stage Saturday night. Spoiler alert. We're going to talk about this when we get back from break. We didn't do news today, but it felt like a really good segment.

We'll be back with Reddit Dump and the rest of what Andrew was just saying. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show

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All right, we're back. Andrew. So Saturday night, I have a new bit about not drinking for three years. Well, there you go. But I was literally had alcohol in my system while the words were coming out of my mouth. And I'm on stage and I'm having a very good set. It's the late show.

I feel very, I don't know, whatever. And I'm just crushing. And I'm just go, so I haven't drank for three years. And shit, guys, I drank last night. I have alcohol in me right now. And I go, I can't lie to you. And I go, also, I don't think you guys are shitty driver so i didn't i went through my whole set and going everything's a lie oh right right and then some guy from the

crowd goes do you even own a cat and it was such a great moment of honesty in that moment i never even got to the bit listen i mean we get back to what we were saying. Back to the humor thing, yeah. That doesn't mean you can be like, oh my God, I need to keep drinking so I can do that bit. Just being honest equals funny. You just couldn't get away with the non-drinking. I couldn't. You couldn't lie to them, and what a great thing. It was a beautiful moment, actually.

It really made me like. It reminds me, I just watched this Bill Maher thing about like, he does this thing on his show called like explaining jokes to idiots. And it's, he like breaks down the Jada Pinkett joke, you know? And it was really funny. But this one part he goes,

you know, people that get offended by jokes, a lot of times they have to wait for the laughter to die down to go, not funny. It's like, actually it was. If you're waiting for the laughter to die down. And it made me laugh to think of that guy, like waiting for the laughter to die down and it made me laugh to think of that guy

like waiting for the laughter to die down to go do you even have a cat oh it was so great and I was like no I don't

it's just a dog with a very small penis I couldn't think of anything speaking of dogs let's get to reddit dump this is your reddit dump karaoke mode this is your reddit dump

I'm gonna start trying to harmonize with it welcome to reddit dump this is where we go through my um saved posts on reddit um so I want to start with the dog one Noah will you pull that one up because I know it's I've had it sent to you for a while to use and we never got into it I believe it's dog howling in a really funny way It just sounds like an old man yelling at the sun. Or a sun. Anything.

So funny. I just love it. I got Luigi back today, by the way. I've been gone for a while. Can he howl? Yeah, he can. I mean, he barks mostly when he's upset. But yeah, I'm sure he could how while Can he howl? Yeah he can I mean he barks mostly When he's upset

But yeah I'm sure He could howl If he wanted to He just chooses not to Okay He's on a streak A no howling streak This is from

Coolguides on Reddit And this is The names of things You probably didn't know I like this kind of thing Where it's like Words you don't know The space between

Your eyebrows Is called Where I just told my So I've never gotten The space between My eyebrows is called um where i just told my so i've never gotten the space between my eyebrows uh i never get that it's called the 11s these lines yeah and botox it's a very popular place to botox i call them the twin towers and i'm like take these down again but um and it never gets a laugh but so i went to nyack my place today who treats me like a fucking queen and i got uh botox and filler and i'll tell you where i got it but i got my um i never get my 11s because i don't like this

usually women who have like botox they're like it's too much space here and it kind of stretches it out and i look like um an avatar character or like a hammerhead shark you know when there's like no building in a very big city and it's a whole city block of nothing yes this looks like downtown st louis yeah things aren't going well um but i got a little bit i got i just i went very moderate on all my botox because yes this is building seven i just left building seven up so um i got a little on my crow's feet which i don't normally do i usually only do my xylophone and then i got a little boat bobo on my xylophone and then I got a little boat bobo on my xylophone and then I got filler I said before I got filler underneath my eyes I didn't do that

this time but I did I noticed that these are really deep my nasal labial folds are very deep which is the lines that come down from your nostrils to the sides of your mouth and I got some filler in there because they were saying oh we could put filler in your cheeks and it would pull it up and decrease that line but she was like do you have really high cheekbones and I was like yes and she goes anyone that says yes to that because she goes I don't do filler on the cheeks I was like good because I didn't want like I just I don't want to risk looking insane I'm a little swollen right now so I'm starting to look insane and I also got filler down on my marionette lines a little bit little little little bit like this is so moderate.

I wish I really remembered the amount of CCs or whatever. Cause it's like, was the least amount you could do where you almost where you couldn't even tell if, if, and then she also did my filler in my lips. And so, um, it was so exciting.

I just love it. Yeah. They numb you out, but it didn't hurt. There was a tear that came down and she was like, I'm sorry. And I go, I didn't say it,? Yeah, they numb you out, but it didn't hurt. There was a tear that came down. And she was like, I'm sorry. And I go, I didn't say it, but I was thinking to say, no, it's this song, because it was playing,

this ain't for the best. All my favorite songs were playing. Okay, so that space in between your eyebrows that I got done is called a glabella. G-A-L-B-E-L-L. Okay, the way it smells after it rains is called Oh, I love that. Petrichor. P-t-r-i-c-h-o-r um the plastic this one you may know the plastic or metallic coating at the end of your shoelaces

is called an aglet um your when your stomach when your stomach rumbles that's a womble w-a-m-b-l-e which that is a that sounds like an app that i want to download womble but it's w-m-b-l-e i mean it's exactly what your stomach sounds like the cry of a newborn baby is called a vagitus which that fits like a sounds like a disease you get from a vagina yeah that makes you scream sounds like do you know that babies are really loud because their body i went to an alexander technique person to speak to learn how to speak more and really it's about like your voice the sound isn't coming from your throat it's coming from like your body is like um like your uh the strings are your vocal cords, but the, your body is like the, like if we're comparing it to a guitar, your body is like the body of a guitar, like that whole casing, the hollow casing that makes it amplified. And the vibrations of the wood is what makes the sound, really.

It's the strings causing the wood to vibrate, creating a sound. And what we always think about with our voice is that it comes from our throat like because it's that's where it's that's we also think that consciousness is like in our eyes because we see from there not because our brain is there when before we knew our brain was in our head and that's what made us have thoughts people thought your consciousness was like in your heart like they just or and sometimes they thought it was in their eyes but just because that's where you see from so anyway what really your resonance comes from when opera singers is because their body is so loose that their whole body becomes the body of guitar and vibrates. And that's why babies are so fucking loud is because when they scream, their body is like a little boombox speaker, like a little mini Bose speaker. And it's just – it's so loose because babies aren't stressed out yet

that it just vibrates. And that is why they're so loud because their whole body is like a piece of like wood and it's not tensed up. Now, when I try to hit a high note, I'm like, I'm not gonna make this. And my whole body goes like, get nervous and tenses up. And that's why I crack and it sounds like shit.

So it's about really relaxing. Okay, a couple more of these finding it difficult to get out of bed in the morning is called life no uh dysania d-y-s-a-n-i-a i have that almost all the time the metal thing used to measure your feet at the shoe store is called a bannock device oh wow i'm not gonna remember i haven't put my foot in one of those since we had a measuring contest to see if i champs yeah we went to champs in the mall of america i think we tied right yeah we tied we have the same size foot um okay no let's play carlisle's um one of her

tiktoks about waitressing and what it's like as a brunch consultant i've traveled the world teaching people that their breakfast isn't as important as they think. Here are a few tips for ordering your eggs with a side of humanity. Did you know that 99% of brunch establishments will list which juices they have for mimosas right there on the menu? There's never a reason to see if an exotic fruit can be juiced in the back for the purpose of your hangover. Contrary to popular belief, you're not special just because you're drinking in the middle of the day. This goes for food as well, which brings us to rule number two. Ask yourself before you order, would this request cause the waitress a fight with the kitchen staff? Pause and consider. If you don't like two or more ingredients in an item,

maybe you don't order that item. And lastly, I like that one. Yes. Look into your server's eyes. Is it possible that their dog just died that day? Are they maybe going through a breakup? Even if the answer to these questions is no, still treat them

with the utmost kindness. I hope this was helpful. Until next time, I've been your brunch consultant. Oh my God. I fucking love her so much because we need

to know this stuff. Yes. I'm one of those people that sometimes will go, I'll take three things out of a thing. Oh yeah. But I won't replace them. But then add something. Sometimes I do because I'm like,

I know you got this in this other salad. But you have to. You don't have options. And by the way, I tip like 100% when that is going on. Here's the thing. Servers don't like tips. Here's a tip.

Here's a tip. I don't want one. I don't need your pity. Man, the story is i told you that one story about carlisle working right yes did i tell you on the podcast yeah you did with the guy i'm still so fired up i want to ruin that you never told me who the guy was i'll show it to you another time okay so did you see um let's go to a and ask women dear women of reddit what's something you've learned about lately and can you teach us about it okay so this is when they ask women things oh my god this is wild and cute i'm so

glad i remembered to share this okay honestly i didn't even stare at because of the question was interesting it's only this answer and there's no way to really save answers on reddit okay so someone wrote ancient psychic pug wrote when a hermit crab is trying to find a new shell, this is the coolest thing you will know. Remember this for when people go, what's an interesting fact you know that no one knows? You're going to be the only one who knows this. When a hermit crab is trying to find a new shell to grow into and it finds a shell that is too big, it will sit by the big shell for around eight hours to see if a bigger hermit

crab comes by to get the big shell for around eight hours to see if a bigger hermit crab comes by to get the big shell. Other hermit crabs will see this, try out the big shell, and if it's too big, they will order themselves from largest to smallest in a line. If a hermit crab comes by that can fit into the big shell, they will mass trade shells moving down the line hoping helping each other to get out of their shell and they pass their shell to the next one how fucking cute is that that's really cute that is a children's book waiting to happen okay let's get to final thought i wanted to say that i met so many besties this weekend in Vancouver and Winnipeg. I mean, I say it to you guys all the time.

The people that listen to the show are my favorite fans. Sorry to everyone else. They just are. They're the nicest, most compassionate. They are complimentary. They are respectful of my boundaries and time. I love them. One in particular gave me and Andrew gifts.

She is, oh, fuck, fuck on instagram let me just see um hold on one second let me just find this post luigi is hilarious right now by the way is he his head is just all he's just looking down people got to check out the um our youtube to see it our youtube uh we really need you guys to subscribe it's it's people write me and go it's unacceptable there's only this many views on your podcast. Yeah, it doesn't make sense. It really doesn't make sense. We deserve more.

And I get it. You maybe listen on your app and so you don't need to actually watch too. Throw us a sub because the videos we spend a lot of time. And it's just a fun thing to have on. Some people really like to watch podcasts. And if you have a friend who likes to watch podcasts and isn't into us yet, maybe, maybe recommend us.

Um, this is from Nicole Goodwin. She gave us a bag of goodies in, um, in Vancouver. Are you having a Luigi? I've never seen a dog lay like this. He's just looking down at the ground.

Oh my God. You guys have to see this. Wait, are we getting a good, Oh yeah. They can zoom in on it it's so rich shout out to christian dorsey and james who are gonna zoom in on this right now thanks guys um so this is what she gave us here you got one of these ready to i'm gonna throw it at you it's glass oh that was a bad throw i'm so sorry Did that hit your knee? Oh you shouldn't have drank on Friday

I need a drink Thank god I have a cup Turkey to tear She made us Isn't that so cute? That's very nice Yeah Coffee mugs with our logo

And a picture of us So nice Thank you so much So much And then I have another thing She also made this but i accidentally um i accidentally washed it so i hope it still fits you but you you i think it'll work but she said she makes t-shirts for her company i forget your name of your company babe

i'm sorry and she said i don't know anything about golf so i just made up this one and it says always wash your balls and there's a picture of a golf tee with ball and i think it's so funny that is really funny. I love it. You've got to put it on your Instagram. My balls smell like shit. And then she also made me this shirt that says, friends, not food.

And I love it so much. I got to see what her company is called. She's really good, man. She's really good. Thank you, whoever did this. It's very kind of you. And I also want to say she also made me another shirt that, and I want to see what the company was called.

She has a company where she makes shirts, and I really want to, hold on. No, I'm so sorry. I want to send it a shout out. That's amazing. One sec, one sec, one sec. I know. It's so nice. Thank you for taking the time to do that.

Let me just say so many besties were so sad that you were not there on Friday and Saturdayiday and saturday and i explained to them like why you weren't that you know i explained like you have a drinking problem now that you need to like attend to yeah i just sensed it you know i crashed my wagon yeah um i can't find the name of her company but it's uh i'll i'll write me girl when you hear this and I'll give you a shout out on another pod but she got me this shirt and she also got me a shirt that I think

I didn't check with her but I think is inspired by our conversation about what's the best vegan messaging the best what? vegan messaging oh vegan messaging

and it said I posted on my Instagram the other day but it said eating animals is weird and it's a v-neck it's so cute I really want other vegans

to wear because and it's so funny because i think i came up with that but i don't want i'm not sure what is it it reminds me of machine gun kelly making fun of eminem's beard yeah your fucking beard is weird which is one of the best i don't know why it's so funny i your fucking beard is because it's like talked about what would be the best thing to get people to be like, I don't want to. And I think that's why we came up with it. I think that's why she made it. I'm not sure. Maybe it wasn't my idea.

But I did have Anya write me when she saw it on my Instagram and said, honestly, that's the best vegan messaging I've ever seen. Because first of all, calling it, instead of meat, calling it animals, really puts it in perspective. And no one wants to be weird and i have to say i felt i wore it the other day coming back from vancouver it was a long travel day in public a lot i was getting stared at so so many people reading it and feeling and like giving me looks i felt like that guy that i make fun of in my act who wears like a shirt that says like yeah

i lubricate my ar-15 with liberal tears like it felt like kind of like that of like fuck all you meat eaters but it was interesting to see the looks i was getting of like she thinks she's cool and i was wearing a vegan leather jacket and i know people were thinking what a fucking hypocrite that she's wearing a leather jacket because it looks real um but i loved it i love that shirt i love um get these gifts someone also gave me um i don't i'm sorry to just do the full final thought is like gift shout out but i think i i also got oh my god i did whitney cummings podcast i'll talk about how she helped me with dead people's parents well you can just listen to the podcast to find out we did three hours without even trying um

but she gave me i when i first got in there i was like that water bottle is like a taylor swift water bottle like i was just like i saw it on her like desk like in the but she has a lot of shit in there and she gets a lot of promotional stuff she's not a swifty either but i was like that is a lover fucking hydro flask and i was like god i love that so. I wonder if she would give it to me if I complimented it. And then at the end of the show, she was like, I have a couple gifts for you. And I was like, no. And she was like, first of all, look behind you on the shelf.

Behind me on the shelf, what? Let me just get it really quick. Stay. Good boy. She's going to get something right now, folks. It's a present. Behind me? Whoa. Behind me on the shelf Was something I had just seen

On the Taylor Swift merchandise store That I would never buy for myself Now these are the best gifts for me Is things in the Taylor Swift merch store That aren't shirts but are things that are just too ridiculous to buy for yourself This is called The Vault And it has inside a snow globe That exploded in my bag And was dripping goo all over my clothing

but worth it i nearly cried because i wanted this so bad i don't even know what the fuck it is it's just a snow globe that was probably like 70 it's plastic was made in china um but it has like guitars and it's the vault because she all the songs that she doesn't release she calls like the vault the vault songs and then she also why the snow globe inside it do you know because sailor swift a lot of her imagery is snow globes and so it's just like a swifty thing that i love i'm gonna keep it here in the podcast room even though it's shattered on the way um and then she was like and also this hydro flask and i was like i saw that on the way i was so excited so i got that and then a bestie in vancouver who owns a um a resale shop that has like fucking awesome teas and shit like that uh who i'm always he's like a fan and he started

writing me when i was posting that i would like to resale stuff oh i i know the fraser and pine f-a-r-s-e-r and pine is the name of that uh if you want to get a vegan shirt if you're vegan out there um and then this guy he always sends me like do you want this he'll send me like britney spears shirts like he's at stores looking for cool vintage shirts and um i'll either be like pass or yes i do and then he'll be like one was a chapelle shirt that was an old one i was like fuck yes it was like oh i paid for it and it never arrived it fucking sucks but um he got me a taylor swift 1989 like crew shirt so someone that worked on her crew for that like oh that is so rare and he got me a fearless shirt which is like her first

like not her first album but her second album a tour shirt that is so fucking rare it's probably worth a thousand like this guy hooked it up so much and i just want to say thank you so much to joel and i'll give you a shout out about your company later. And I didn't do that in exchange for like advertising. I'm just saying thank you to my friends that did that for me. And yeah, I got to bring extra suitcases for these gifts. By the way, my favorite gift is just a heartfelt letter or any kind of like a drawing you make, any fucking thing. I'll take money.

And also money. Venmo is open. Oh my God. What was I going to tell you? Fuck. I have one last thing to tell you, Andrew. God damn it. I'll take money and also money Venmo is open oh my god what was I gonna tell you fuck I have one last thing to tell you Andrew god damn it

I guess I'll have to come up with it off air but I hope you guys watch my e-show I really hope that Nashville people come out and see me

in Nashville if you have friends in Nashville please the Ryman Theater it's like a legendary theater I think I've only spent 54% of the house

and it's coming up so please get on that you guys I would love to perform for you um if you have friends out there i just don't understand why they're not selling as well but those 54 thank you so much and i don't really give a shit jay going's gonna be there he is he's gonna come in the crowd i don't get down all right guys well i'll get to ask him about taylor swift thank you so much for listening um we will see you this weekend in texas we going down. We will see you next week in New Orleans, Jacksonville, and another Florida place. And then we'll see you the following weekend somewhere else. Thank you

for listening. Don't be k. And Jack Daniels is a drink that Andrew will probably have this weekend. That's literally where I went with that. Just kidding. No, I will. I'm thirsty. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show,

which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show, ears edition podcast. Join late night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.