The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #203 Down MacDougal, Left On 3rd Street

Episode Date: April 14, 2022

Nikki and Andrew are looking forward to their upcoming tour dates. Nikki wants people to know she will not call them out if they need to use the bathroom. She's on the fence about going to watch Formula 1 races and explains why. She also wants to fight pedophilia after watching all the pedo documentaries out there. You Heard It Here First, Andrew explains why guys are always touching their junk and a look at a 115 foot wave we never want to ride. Nikki and Andrew share the story of kissing their partner for the first time and then about performing in front of them.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser podcast. I'm Nikki Glaser in St. Louis with Andrew Collin. Noah is in Arizona. And we are headed to Texas this weekend. Woo!

Bow, bow. Bow, bow, bow, bow. You know how I do down there. There, there, there, there. And then we are in Florida and... Woo! All right. We know how he does down there Florida and... All right. We know how he does down there, too. All there.

What about New Orleans? No, do some Nolans. Oh, Nolans. Give it a sound effect of Nolans. You go down to Nolans, you get your good crawfish down there off Bourbon Street. Everyone want to go down to French Quarter. You want to go down 30 miles down there. I want you to do your whole set in that accent.

Just do that the whole time. Oh, down there in New Orleans? Yeah, that almost sounds... It's the same voice you use when there's a foul ball that goes flying. Oh, yeah, that one there going up there. And it was coming at me, and everybody, it was such a high, like certain foul balls you don't try to catch. It sounds like the beginning of like the movie Big Fish. One time, I saw a foul ball go so high. I've never even seen Big Fish, but I think it's like a tall tale movie. I love that you haven't seen it.

I have not seen it. I remember seeing ads for Big Fish and being like, that looks magical. And people always on Reddit talk about Big Fish. Who's my boy? Crudup. Crudup. Oh, Crudup. I love Big Fish. Who's my boy? Crudup. Oh, Crudup. I love that last name. Crudup.

Crudup. Cricket. Cricket. Crudup is so hot. Oh, my God. I told you I saw him in the Hamptons in real life. He walked past my car. He looked like an old, like...

He looked like a ghost, kind of. Oh, Crudup. Yeah, like the woman that the guy in Thinner hits with his car. He looked more like crud. Crud. Just crud. So anyways, this fly ball went so high in the air that everyone scattered because it was that high,

except for one person went like this. You know when something's coming at you, so you just duck, you know? So you think you'll be fine, but you don't. Oh, I know. Yeah, you just don't know where it's going to. That's me catching any ball that comes at me. just go into a top of the head top of the head the one person that didn't move dead no he got credit did he did he die no the boy didn't get

you could die from that right away i don't know if you've ever seen like it was like a it was like a cartoon oh like the big bump? Yeah. Oh, my God. That poor man. Concussed. Yeah, he got concussed. He definitely got concussed. He got concussed down there. But yeah, I'm excited for Texas. I'm excited for Nashville as well. Yes, Ryman Theater. Ryman Theater.

They got the original seats in there. Actually, I don't know if I should tell people that. What do you mean? They're made out of the old wood that they did when the church folks were there. Oh, you think some germ freaks might be like, no, I'm not going there if I should tell people that. What do you mean? They're like made out of the old wood that they did when the church folks were there. Oh, you think people, like some germ freaks might be like, no, I'm not going there if they get the original seats. Uncomfortable splinters. Oh, okay.

Yeah. I gave, I usually do a little talk before live shows about social anxiety and like, if you have to pee, just go pee and all that stuff um and i usually do it before i bring you up no after yeah before before you come out yes before i bring you up it's kind of like a little thing i come out before i go out um but you weren't there this past weekend so i wasn't able to like do my little speech so I just did it at the top of the show. And God, does that set the stage for a... Everyone just chills out. There's so much anxiety about going to show...

That's not something I struggle with, but people have a big struggle with going... And it's one thing hearing it from the horses, not calling you a horse, but... Wow. That sounded like a horse cat. Hearing hearing from the horse mouth uh no the horse's mouth did you say horse or whore he said horse let the listener decide yeah um i'd rather be called a whore than a horse i i think i used that joke on one of the roasts i was like oh you

know what they do with for girls like i know what'm going to get tonight. You're going to call me a horse face. Can you switch it to a horse face? Something like that. Gerard Carmichael, we haven't talked about his special yet on here. Fantastic. I'm not going to.

You shouldn't. I haven't seen it yet. I know he comes out. He does come out of the closet as a white man. It's kind of crazy. He should be canceled because that is an impressive yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's pretty good uh he has some of the funniest 10 minutes on coming like about being like from a place that isn't cool

with people coming out like his family and how he it's so ingrained in him to not be acceptable accepted towards gay people where he was like roasting himself for being gay like even when he's with his partner he's like making out with the dude and he's like pause like he's blowing the guy he's like no homo like like his whole like like everything in his DNA, whatever. But at the beginning of his thing, he comes out and his whole first three minutes is how like, look, we're just friends. For this to be great. Let's just act as family. Like he gave a disclaimer kind of like what you did. And it really does.

You feel it. You feel a difference in the room. It doesn't feel as much of like I'm talking at you as like we're like all together in the room it doesn't feel as much of like a i'm talking at you as like we're like all together in the room yeah and it's just like you just want people to become the only way a show is good is if people are comfortable like that you know what you're doing that they're not going to be called out or embarrassed that if because you you are the one that kind of gave me it was like what no that i think okay so like as a patron of comedy shows and not a comedian i think it lets the audience relax in a way because for the people who are there who are your comedy fans not necessarily the podcast um uh listeners you

you're known and loved for your roast jokes so they think that if they get up to the bathroom or if they have to walk out or something it kind of puts a target on them and they might end up being roasted i guess like in their mind that's the story that they tell themselves so i think it does kind of put them at ease because it's like no you can go to the bathroom i'm cool with it okay she's not gonna roast gonna that's my i hate like it would just happen you're exactly right it would happen after at meet and greets when people be like i had to go to the bathroom so bad and i'm like why didn't you go and they're like i just didn't want to interrupt the show and i'm like no no no no no you i need to let people know i will

not say a damn thing if you go to the bathroom you could literally yell fire and run out and i'd be like everyone stay calm ignore that woman like i just don't i'm never i do not go into the audience unless it's absolutely necessary and someone's like really causing a disturbance i just would never do that to someone it sets me up to crush so hard oh yeah because then the second someone gets up to the bathroom and he goes where are you going to take a shit you know because i say if you go to the bathroom as a woman i'm not going to be like look at this lady going to take a shit like that's what a lot of comics do it's so annoying and so people like truly have bladder disorders because of comedy shows where they're just so scared of being called out i mean i used to have that kind of anxiety too of just like i just don't want to be seen i don't want to be

picked on i don't and you're watching someone do something, if you have a little bit of stage fright, that seems so, it almost is like watching when I watch a circus act. Or like, I won't go see Cirque du Soleil. Like, I was just in Vegas and I had a night off and I was looking up tickets to Love, the Beatles show, and I won't go see it because I don't like seeing people

do things that if I did it, I would die. Oh. Oh, so like people on stage yeah I and the thing is I'm a professional so maybe you could watch me and be like oh my god I could never do that that makes me so scared it doesn't change the fact that they know I'm a professional unless I'm just like make them so sure that nothing's gonna happen like that but search so they cannot do that for me there's no way because I'm like but you could slip like there's something that could happen so I can take that in because I always consider my act like they're watching like Cirque du Soleil in terms of like I can't even enjoy this because it's so that is such my nightmare if I'm scared of heights because so many people's nightmare is doing exactly what we do and talking into a microphone with nothing else to help you.

Yeah, but isn't that the words that are coming out of your mouth? But the thrill of circus, what did I call it? Circus Olay. Circus Olay. Circus Molay. It's a chocolate sauce. Delicious, my favorite. That you don't know if they're going to fall and die, right?

So the idea of you going up there. Why does anyone like that? I'm just saying that's what people like stand up for, especially with people that you don't know if they're going to fall and die, right? So the idea of you going up there. Why does anyone like that? I'm just saying that's what people like stand up for, especially with people that they don't know is good or not. They want to see maybe they will fail. Like people like a fail. I'm offended by everything you just said mostly because you said they don't know if they is good or not.

Yeah, I failed that sentence. But how fun was that? What if I told you? What if I told you that sentence was going to be bad? You know what? I would say to people who enjoy watching stand-up because they like watching people bomb or they want to see someone uncomfortable,

you are a sick person. You truly have a problem. I mean, even people who like to go to, I hate air shows. I hate diving board things. i hate things that are like you're you're risking your life so much like drag racing or any kind of um i have a story in the news about this by the way my god this is crazy my boyfriend's so into formula one and i just got kind of an offer to do a shoot adjacent to a formula one thing he's like, maybe we could go to the right,

like see if maybe we could, because it's like shooting around, like with the theme of it is Formula One and it's happening like a race weekend. And I haven't said yes to it yet, but I sent it to him being like, would you want to come to this with me? Because he's huge into Formula One.

And I'm terrified to go to a Formula One thing. I don't like fast, loud things. And I don't like things that the margin of error is so small that they could careen into the crowd. And I probably will get really good seats. Yeah. And die. Yeah, you're in the careen area for sure. You know, I just don't like that stuff.

And it's just I don't understand people who do. It makes me feel really not close to my fellow man because I just don't get why anyone... Are you going to go? Are you going to do it? Yeah, because I love him, and it means if we get to... I'm still waiting to hear back, but if we do get tickets, I'll go

because I know it means so much to him, and it would be like me going... He's going to a Taylor Swift concert. He's not going to potentially die at a Taylor Swift concert. What is the last game that you experienced where someone could die? Like, have you actually been in the stands for something like that? My parents used to go bring me to air shows as a kid or like circuses where the motorcycles are in that cage. Oh, yeah.

And I would have a panic. I'm not kidding you. I can't even think about it. Like, I just I hate it so much i hate things that are very fast in tandem next to each other where if you literally go like this with the steering wheel it's it's a it's a humong even horse races where like a horse just kind of trips boom bike races tour de france when they're all so close there's that's my phobia is things going fast close to each other Yeah One thing going fast

On its own In a desert somewhere Fine I don't give a fuck But together Fast speed skating Anything like that No no no

I don't like it Just trying to think How you could conquer this fear If you even want to No I don't want to I have no interest in She's gonna face it With her boyfriend

And that's how you're gonna Like desensitize yourself I really have to get into this Because we're gonna be A Formula One family Like he wants to like Get into Formula Like he loves He do it. I really have to get into this because we're going to be a Formula One family. He wants to get into Formula One. I'm trying to get into it. I'm going to try to have a love for it.

You could buy a car. Yeah, I'm going to have my own car. You should. And you should have a baby Formula One. It's going to be the Starbucks car. It should be Formula. Formula. I'm four.

It's just so funny. Like a little baby car. No, dude. It's, it's, no, but you could get into, I'm sure in St. Louis, if you just Google, you know, where do rednecks hang out? There's like. Formula One's not rednecks. No, no, no, no, no.

But the pre, pre, pre. Yeah. P-R-I-X. Yeah. That kind of shit. Yeah. Grand Prix. Yeah. You get, pre that stuff. Yeah, P-R-I-X. Yeah. That kind of shit. Yeah, Grand Prix. Yeah, you get like trucks that fucking. No, monster truck.

Like he brought his, my boyfriend brought his nephews to this like, you know that like, this Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, everyone's gonna be. Like, you know those weird ads where the guy talks like this and then it goes like this. I hated those ads as a kid. I would even, during like, when I would watch Stay by the Bell and they would like advertise those, those trucks just going like boom and like falling in an arena and all this dirt coming up. Grave digger. I hate those things.

Bigfoot. Blue Thunder. What if it's something that you like? What is wrong with people that they like to see people almost die? But what's wrong with me that I love molestation documentaries and sex crime documentaries? Because they're slow. But you know what the thing is? They're slow.

They groom slowly. There's no jump scares in a pedophile doc. There aren't. You never see a molester in a Formula One. Only one person can sit in it. It's kind of true though. I'm not kidding you. You don't like an old white van. You don't mind a white van that's real slow down the road.

Because I really have to think about why I like pedophile documentaries. I really have to. I'm fascinated by pedophiles. I'm fascinated by people. Like I want to hear all about the stories. I don't. I'm never like listening to the stories being like. I know that this doesn't itch or scratch some itch for me.

That is like a um it's not a pleasurable thing it's definitely that same thing of like disgust like that morbid curiosity but the thing is that I've I put a thing out on my Instagram story the other night about like if you have a sex crime documentary please send it to me like I can't get enough of this stuff and I had a bunch of uh people write to me being like I like this stuff too and i'm ashamed that i like it because i go i like this over murder docs and i'm listen a lot of murder docs have sex crimes associated with them too but i like docs about pedophiles and how they work i like learning how these have you found a link you know what i think it is? A link? What do you mean? What do you mean?

I'm sure there's a top 20 pedophile movie. What I'm going to do is I'm too passionate about this. My knowledge, I have so much more knowledge than most people have about pedophiles. Because parents that have kids are like, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want to hear about it. Oh, that's so gross. And it's like, why do I? I don't even have. You should want to hear about this. Like, why are people so scared? I think I know no, no. I don't want to hear about it. Oh, that's so gross. And it's like, why do I? I don't even have.

You should want to hear about this. Like, why are people so scared? I think I know what it is. I think I know. I get it because you think of your kids and you go, it's not gonna happen to my kids. I protect them. No, I think it's. You don't know.

I think it's the opposite. I think it's like the other day when you sent me that joke and it had rapists in it and changing it to murder actually makes it more palatable. Yeah. Even though murder is, some would argue, worse than rape. Some would argue murder, which is a fine documentary

to talk about that you see. Yeah, women can go, I love murder docs and no one goes, you're a murderer. But when I say pedophile docs, they're like, you're creepy.

Because more people get molested than murdered. Or it happens. Way more. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So that's why I think it feels more awkward to be like, I'm really into this thing why I think it feels more awkward to be like

I'm really into this thing that actually happens a lot no the problem is the thing is people don't know it happens a lot everyone's in denial of it

if you knew the stats which I'm not gonna you know go into but if you knew the stats it is so alarming how much more it happens and the problem is

people don't talk about it because it involves sex and it's the worst thing ever it's children and sex and you don't combine those things and we don't talk about it because it involves sex and it's the worst thing ever. Yeah. It's children and sex and you don't combine those things and we don't talk about it. And the thing is parents need to know because parents think that they don't. Should we start a morbid documentary podcast? About.

But it's just pedophile stuff? Honestly, I need to educate the public about this. And you tell me the story and I go, whoa. It's the only way to defeat these guys because chris and i my boyfriend and i were just talking last night we go because i was telling him all the stuff i learned from the jimmy seville documentary that i watched on netflix about the mr rogers of great britain who ended up being like a prolific pedophile like the bill cosby saw it coming this guy you would have no i know that's what i'm saying he is so i don't understand

the uk's taste in entertainers at all after watching this guy there you would have. No, I know. That's what I'm saying. He is so... I don't understand the UK's taste in entertainers at all after watching this guy. There's nothing charming about this guy, nothing funny. He was not even good. I don't get it. Someone tried to explain to me. I wrote to Robin,

my hair and makeup friend, and I go, what was it about this? He's not charming. He's just a creep. And yet they... When he died, it was like a member

of the royal family died. In fact, he was knighted, which is a big fucking deal. The royal families are creeps. Yes. They don't do anything. I hate them.

God forbid you say that. I just said it. Brits don't like it. Shot fired. All right, let's take a break and come back with more show. Yeah,

we'll talk about freaking Harry. Harry? Oh. Oh. There you go. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on the daily show and in your ears with the daily show ears edition podcast from his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now plus you'll get special content just for podcast listeners,

like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. So what about Harry? I don't want to get into it. I just got a phone call in between the break that said, shut the fuck up.

Yeah. Or else. Or else. And then a little laser dot was on your forehead. That's weird. Yeah. But I'm cool now. I love the royal family.

Good people. Real good people. Strong character. No, but Chris and I were on the phone last night talking at length about what do we do? do we do to stop these people because they're what's what what do you do and i said it's about education it's about making kids okay with saying i don't like being around my uncle he gives me a weird vibe because the thing is it starts with a just a touch that just feels a little too long it starts with a creepiness that just feels a little too long.

It starts with a creepiness that you feel long before the molester even does anything. Kids can feel it right away. Yeah. And they need – don't make your kids hug people they don't want to hug. No matter what you think, don't ever force your kids to do anything or be alone with someone if they don't want to. And also it's about educating kids about like if you ever feel weird around an adult, let me know. It's literally

a vibe. Kids get a vibe right away. And if there is a person and you're, 91% of child molestations happen, the perpetrator is someone that the family knows and trusts. 91%. So you always think it's going to be a stranger.

The word there is trust. The family already trusts this person. So whoever you think in your life you trust, the person that would molest your kids, you would not expect it. So that needs to be sunken in is that you are, that goes back to the book we were reading that we got besties to read,

talking to strangers we don't know people like we think we do yeah and the people we do know we think we know so well but really people are strangers to us and these people always start with they do they never just go right to molesting it starts with a they are so slow like you said maybe that's why i like it yeah you like a turtle there's always there's a beginning and and and because chris was like so do we just we just like have to let them molest and then the kids tell us and then i go no no no it doesn't need to get to that it needs to get to mom i don't like that guy mom i i feel that guy's a weirdo just being able to say that about an adult arlo doesn't like to hug me sometimes he's just not in the mood and my sister will go you hug your aunt and i go no no no no he doesn't he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do ever physically with an adult

even though i know i'm not a creep i thought you were saying arlo's molesting you yeah i go no no i don't want it i'm creeped that kid. Yeah, you don't know what he's up to. Yeah, I'm into this reverse pedophilia. No one's talking about that. No one is. That the kids are coming after me. Actually, it's 84% of uncles that are molested by their nephews. They're good friends before.

Oh, really? Yeah, it's pretty wild. Well, it's just, if I were an adult, I would never make my child, even if it was their grandmother, hug their grandmother, because it sets a precedent that you do things you don't want to do physically, human touch-wise with another adult. And it sets a precedent that when something inappropriate happens with someone that isn't grandma who we know and trust, maybe I should stay quiet about it and just do it and suck it up. And no, you've got to have – It just sucks because like one of my best childhood memories and it sounds – Is being forced to go down on your uncle.

It's my second favorite thing. That would be so funny if you were like, seriously, though, one of my favorite memories was being groomed by my aunt. No, this is going to sound like that. Yeah. I'm coming out again. No, my grandpa would give me back rubs when I was a kid. Did it make you uncomfortable? Not at all.

Well, then that's fine. No, I know that. But I'm saying that's what's so sad about this is that. There's nothing weird about that. If you felt uncomfortable, it would be weird. It was my favorite thing. Well, that was my favorite thing too. I'm not saying that I think.

I'm not saying that it's. I'm just saying that like people could through this what we're trying to do mine is about listening to the children it's not about looking with your own eyes it's about knowing when your kid is uncomfortable yeah and letting them say something you if i saw my little boy getting rubs back rubs from my his grandpa let's say it's the the dad of my husband so it's not a dad that i've been around as a little kid so i know he's's safe. My dad, he could rub kids back and I wouldn't be like, oh, that's fine. That's what you think.

I know he's into little girls, not little boys. So you read the kid. It's not about you being an adult reading adults because adults will trick you. Do not rely on that spidey sense about adults. Look at your kid. Because kids know.

And kids tell the truth. And they always know. I've heard so many stories about molestations. And the kids know what's happening is not good. And they just feel so scared to tell an adult. And you need to let your kids know. These people are going to say that they're going to murder mommy and daddy if you tell. And they're all lies. So if someone says this stuff, you need to tell them what they're going to say that you're going to we're going to they're going to murder mommy and daddy if you tell they're going to say and they're all lies so if someone says this stuff

you need to tell them what what they're going to hear so they get ahead of it let's get to the news that's my little uh this this helps i'm not i'm not arguing it this helps i hope grandpa was cool oh man it's wednesday. You know what that means. It is Wednesday. Hope you're having all the swells out there. We're coming to Texas, Austin, Dallas, Houston, all the places. I mean, that's not all. San Antonio.

We're not going to. We're not going there. Plano. Not going to Plano. Yeah. Can you name another Texas town? Abilene. What are your thoughts on Austin?

Texas? Yes. Is it disgusting? Sorry, Amdrip. Private Amdrip. Private Amdrip. Austin, the city, I, my thoughts are, I don't, it's kind of like a bourbon street type thing. I like don't drink, but I also, I, I think it's just, I was described, you know how they

always say there's a garbage patch in this, in, in the ocean. That's the size of Texas. I always say that Austin is like, that garbage patch is like reusable tote bags of the garbage patch. It's like this part of the garbage patch that's like liberal. They're like, they're a little, it's like St. Louis and Missouri.

You know what I mean? Like it's different than what you think of the rest of the state as. It's too hyped up though. I always feel like people hype up Austin. Like once I get to Austinin my life will be good like it's like one of those kind of places i feel like it's top five wherever you go hey where would you imagine living food trucks that's what i meant yeah food trucks music honky tonks wait that's

nashville shit it's the same shit i know i've always had good shit i i think of topo chico that's the first place i had topo chico oh yeah so i'll have a bucket of those backstage i'm excited two shows yeah so we're gonna be there paramount theater all right news story noah Topo Chico, that's the first place I had Topo Chico. Oh, yeah. So I'll have a bucket of those backstage. I'm excited. Two shows. Yeah, so we're going to be there. Paramount Theater. All right, news story. Noah. If you feel alone and afraid, warm up your hands

because a study suggests that physical warmth has the same lasting effect as the presence of a social support provider, and physical warmth inhibits fear, learning, and response. My grandpa's hands. So warm up your hands and then touch yourself or just like warm yourself up. Mr. Miyagi style.

Remember he did that. You remember? I never saw it. They say that warmth has the same effect as like a social support. So that's why like we always gravitate to like something warm if we're sick or if we're um afraid of something yeah thing and it's like almost like you know it's the way we describe people who we want to be around they're warm yes she's cold oh yeah that's not even a temperature thing that makes sense it reminds

you know girls often ask, like a lot of guys put their hands in their own pants because our balls are so warm and it warms up our hands. Oh yeah, I always put my hands

in mine. It's calming to get inside your own flames. Well, I just do it between my legs. Do you ever just go like this?

Yeah. You don't need to do your balls. You can just do it between your thighs. That's where our balls are. That's a good point. I forgot that those

dangle down. But this all makes sense. So many guys will watch. Even when you're with your brother. With your brother. Your brother. With your brother. With your bros.

We'll all just look over and there'll be six guys on a couch with their hands on their own dick. It's weird. There's something comforting about it. I mean, I like holding dicks when I'm falling asleep. Like a soft dick. Yeah. It's like one of those slurpy. Slurpy uh yeah those little slinky i don't know it just feels like it

almost feels like i'm holding their hand but it's not as like sometimes when i'm holding like my boyfriend's hand in bed like i feel like he's probably just waiting until he can like let go of it but his penis like i feel like I can just hold that forever. It's not going to... It just doesn't... It just feels like I'm holding on to something. I don't do it all the time, but I like the feeling of it. You got him by the balls.

I got him by the balls. Fucking balls. No, I like that. But as a guy, I just think there's... When you're flexed, you don't want people down there. It's not... Yeah, but there's different kind of're flexed, you don't want people down there. It's not... Yeah, but there's different kind of flaccid. We've talked about this before.

But like a true flaccid, almost in-your-body penis, you don't want your girlfriend using as a support fucking handy. That's a good point. You just don't. It's just not comfortable as a guy. You still want it to be presentable. Man, I love the AC in my room so much. I sleep so cold.

It's insane. What are you sleeping on, 40? 60 degrees. That's cold. 60. I wake up in the morning and it is so fucking cold. I love it so much. I'm just like, if I would have taken your room, I would be in hell.

Oh, because you don't have- You cannot keep it as cold as I would want it to be. It's just so awesome. I never want to move from this apartment. It's the coldest room I've ever been able to get anywhere. It's actually annoying because I live in the one bedroom. And whatever, no one cares about this. But the living room, for some reason, how it's set up.

And same here too. It just feels more open and the air feels colder outside the bed, maybe because... But you like a warm bedroom. Yeah, I like a 69 now. That is so hot. Yeah. Ugh.

And are you wearing, like, long pants and, like, bundled up? You know me. I freak out. Oh, yeah, you're Winnie the Pooh-ing. Yeah. All right, let's go to the next story. All right, next story.

I have to show you something oh no air show okay no sebastian studenter now i don't think this happened recently but i just saw this in my feed recently a german pro surfer rode a wave said to be over 100 feet tall at nazare portugal which is the world's biggest wave of the season. And I wanted to show this to you. I know this area well. I think I saw this. You do?

Mm-hmm. Well, I know. I've seen documentaries on it. You know I'm a surfer. Oh, my God. I mean, it looks insane. It looks like you're looking at... You can't even tell the wave.

The wave takes up the whole screen, so you don't even see the top of the wave. It looks like the sky, and from where I'm seeing, it just looks like a jet flying across the sky leaving chemtrails. This wave is so huge. Did he die? No, he made it.

No, he survived, and he set a world record. Dude, my dad's cousin is one of the first people to ever do giant surfing giants. Yeah, he started at Mavericks. That's a whole other thing, too. Because he did it. First of all, there's great white sharks out there. It's a fucking mile paddle. And he went out there with no leash.

It's over a 100-foot wave. No, I understand that. If he falls off his board or something. They're dead. They're dead if they fall. But there's jet skis there. I'm saying that your uncle's friend is a badass badass my dad's cousin mark reneker if you look him up mark reneker he is a one of the first big wave surfers ever mark foo who's a famous guy that died yeah he is was really good

friends with mark but um yeah my my dad's cousin is in like all these books he was interviewed on 60 minutes by ed bradley about surfing giants Like he's in documentaries and stuff like that. But it's a wild, that is so death defying. I just don't get why you would do that. The reason why this area is crazy is it's so close to shore that you can see how big these fucking waves are. Mavericks is like a mile. Like you can't, you don't understand.

I didn't know that. Mavericks is like out, out. So that's why your uncle is such a badass, because he had to paddle out. He might have had a leash. He might have started. He was really, again, I remember when they started using jet skis to pull them out. He was like, fuck that shit. That's pussy shit.

Yeah, he used to paddle out. Fucking wild. I thought this was interesting, though, because in an interview, they asked him, how do you prepare mentally to take on some of the biggest and most dangerous waves in the world and he said for me the mental preparation and readiness comes through physical preparation the team has to be the right team people must be on the same page and you have to be able to trust your jet ski drivers and safety team or you just put your hands on your own balls and warm them up. That's something so solo could be a team effort.

Is that what you're saying was interesting, Noah? Yeah. So it's interesting that he has to have the right team around him. And I was thinking of what you were saying when you're on tour and how important it is for you to have your friends and setting up the right kind of team too. Yes, vibe. So that you go into these things feeling as good as possible

well my dad always quotes this uh walenda guy he used to be a tightrope walker back in the days and he would do these oh you know nick walenda yeah yeah there's like a walenda family and the father died plummeted to his death doing one of these tightrope walks and his wife said that the only time she has ever heard him say like i'm nervous about this one was the one he died on and she had never seen him have any kind of nerves or second guessing before that not to say that like that's what did it but or that maybe he knew but you know it's just a lesson about just believe in yourself kind of thing and have this like unshakable confidence but i don't understand doing something that. It goes back to, I mean, that's a very slow death defying thing.

You would think you'd like this one. Well, Chris. No, it's not as fast. That's what I'm saying. You fall and then you're boom. Oh, you fall fast. Yeah. You fall very fast.

Yeah. But Chris, when we were watching that, have you guys seen 16 Peaks? 14. Whatever. 16th is the new one. 16 Candles. It's by John Hughes. Yeah.

It's about a mountaineering teenager in the 80s. Really going on stereotypes with an Asian character. What do you mean? Have you ever seen that movie? 16 Candles? 14 Peaks? Oh, yeah. Well, 14 Peaks, did you see it?

Yes. The Nepalese guy. I saw some of it i was in and out i was watching it with chris and there's a part that's like k2 you know people who attempt k2 one and four mountaineers who attempt it die and chris was going like the whole movie is like god i would love to do this shit and i'm just like kind of biting my tongue being like okay please stop saying that because i love you and i don't want but like there's and then when they said that thing i go would you do that one would you do that one and he's like yeah and i go one in four die you would do that one if one in four if those were the odds

yeah he was like i was that mad i was like what what are you talking about yeah why would you ever do something where one in four people die from doing it? That is just so stupid to me. It makes me mad even now. Has he ever even climbed a mountain? I'm just saying, like, to go from that to, like. Well, like, he would work up to that. No, I know.

He's not, like, going to go do that tomorrow after he hikes to Castlewood. I mean, this is. He just says that it would be something he'd want to do in his lifetime. I get that. It made me so mad. He should do that it would be something he'd want to do in his lifetime i get that it made me so mad he should do that other you're not allowed to if you if i and he goes but if i died doing it like i would die doing what i love and i go i go but you care so much about being there for others in your life like he goes i don't care if i die that way that would be the greatest way to go out and i'm like but, but what about me? Like, I care. Like, isn't there something to living for others? I would love to interview the guy that dies on K2

and is like, pretty stoked about how you're dying right now. And he'll be like, like freezing to death. Like, it's not a cool way to die. I think it's suicidal, to be honest with you. I think it's just people that like to do that stuff are suicidal. Have you ever seen that Alex Honnold or whatever? In a different way than most people are suicidal.

He climbs no leash. No fucking wire. Nothing. I don't get it. Free climb. Can you try to help me understand really quick why someone would want to do something where guaranteed one in four die. Would you do that? I understand skydiving. I think you're asking the wrong person. You should ask someone who would be inclined to do it.

Do you know what I mean? You're of death are you know avi does like kind of like ice climbing shit like do you think yeah but does that make you mad when you're like i'm gonna marry you motherfucker you better not be climbing 14ers next time you get in a fight just send them a plane ticket to fucking nepal no i i just get anxiety because i i keep thinking like i have to be there and i have to do like also do it and then he just reassures me like no this is something i'll do with my friends that's the only i don't i don't know why it bugs me i'm trying to think the closest thing to it because first of all i want my boyfriend to be alive and especially if i'm looking towards having a life with this person growing old i mean mean, that's the goal. And you're jeopardizing that goal

because you want to take a picture on a fucking mountain and sit on the mountain, breathe in the air. I think his argument would be, or these people's arguments, they go, well, if I can accomplish this, I'll feel so good about myself, I'll be a better husband to you. I know, but I'm just saying,

that's a thought process. Honestly, if he wouldn't give up that, if that was his goal, I'd say then you need to be with someone else. I just think you got to start at a smaller mountain. Start at one and 50 dying. Like, why are we going one out of four? I've been suicidal before and people go, how could you be suicidal?

And I'm like, because I'm depressed and I hate life. But if you're someone who likes life, why would you do something where there's a 25% chance you're going to die? Because on the other side of it is glory that you get to be like, I survived this thing. Why would you take that risk if you didn't enjoy life really? Because I don't think you can enjoy life without doing it. I guess. I just don't.

I wish. Again, it just makes me like I don't like that I can't understand it. And I think I just need to understand it. I can't relate it to anything in my life where I'm like, there's nothing I do that... What's the scariest thing you've ever done? Dragon wings at Six Flags. Okay. How many people have died doing that?

Zero. But it was so scary. What about chicken wings at Hooters? Okay, we got to take a break. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors,

it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Let's do Why Do I Care? Why Do I Care? Okay. Kim Kardashian comments on Pete Davidson's bde while talking about their

first kiss oh my god she said it was a stage kiss but it was still a little zing it wasn't anything like super crazy i was like wow i really haven't kissed anyone else in 10 years so maybe i'm just being stupid it's just nothing and then a few days later i was like hmm there is some bde action but the reason why i brought this story up is because i wanted to know if you guys remember your first kisses and for nikki i guess this would be the seventh first kiss with chris oh like the first kisses with the person that you're with not like the first yeah yeah yeah no no with your partners real quick i just want to say that Not like the first kiss. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, with your partners. Real quick, I just want to say that I love their first kiss

because it was when they were playing the Aladdin sketch. We've all seen the still image of it. He, for their anniversary or her birthday or something, got her the rug and the genie lamp

and the costumes from their first kiss. And I thought that was like, I think that's just so sweet. Like someone remembering that first kiss time. You know what this tells me though? What?

It tells me not many people have access to Kim Kardashian. You know what I mean? Like that's, 90% of all this is access. Pete Davidson got access to kiss her. Well, Brenna slid into your DMs and she wouldn't have known about it had she not listened to you on a podcast. I get that.

Everything is chance. I get all that that but i'm just saying that like oh you know like i haven't kissed anyone in 10 years how many guys are even in the circle that can kiss kim kardashian that's what i'm saying you have to get it written into a sketch yeah where you kiss it it's absolutely that so she left her husband for one for the first guy she kissed yeah yeah no she didn't leave her husband for him. I know, but my point, I guess, and my first kiss with Brenna was actually fantastic. Where were you?

First date. Where was it? The car? It was her getting into her car. Oh, my God. We might have kissed before. I think we pecked before that, but then it was the kiss before the car.

How do you peck before your first? Why would you peck? Because it always comes at the end of the date. You know what I'm saying? I know. It came in the middle of the date. You pecked in the middle of the date. I'm almost positive.

But yeah, we definitely grabbed each other's asses during the date, which was so hot to just get that out of the way. Were you just doing it as a bit? It must have been a bit. It was a bit-ish. It wasn't like fucking, we can't even stop ourselves from our romance. But I don't know,

she was wearing a little dress and her ass was fucking looking great. But she must have done something that led you to go, okay, I can touch this person's ass. You don't just do that. Yeah, that's true. I can't remember exactly. I guarantee you I know what it was. It was probably i don't i can't remember i guarantee you i know

what it was it was probably like you said something about like butts and then you're like i got a pretty good one she goes oh really and then you're like yeah you can feel it if you want and then she probably didn't you go you go i want to feel yours and then she probably was like go for it and then stuck out her butt and then you felt it i think that's exactly what happened i mean i'm not joking you i know i know that's what happened i know how you work i know i would like i know flirtiness works yeah like that's the only way that could happen before a kiss yeah that's a good point yeah is you going you want to touch you can touch it if you want to feel it and then you flexed and she was like okay now i get to grab your ass and then yeah and then you made that and

she goes you can if you want and you go oh my god and she bent over and you're like this girl's cool and then you did it yeah i think that's exactly what happened yeah what do you remember first ask you yeah what about you my first yeah what was the first chris kiss that was the best kiss of my life well the first first one was um it was the first time that i um said you know i'm not going to be the first one to do it i'm gonna wait i would have kissed i would if i was where was it like set the scene six avenue it was um the comedy you know we had hung out a little bit but one night one day before then and i would have probably my old ways would have been like hey can we just make out like i always did that bit you know and then it would break the tension we would kiss and then the guy would eventually not like me because i took control of the situation even though he was like

that's awesome that you said that it would never work out in the end so this So this time I was like, I'm not going to make the first move. I'm changing my ways. And we hung out, and he did make a move, and I was just so sad. And then I'd given up on him, and then I was doing a set one night, and I was just like, you know what? I'm going to throw out one more chance. And I was like going to the Comedy Cell at 11 o'clock on a school night. We both worked on Nicky and Sarah Live.

And it was the next day and he lived in Queens in Greenpoint and Brooklyn and so I was like uh I was in the city and I was like hey any chance you're in the city and he was like it was 10 30 and he was like or maybe it was like 9 30 and go he said no um why and I said oh well I have a set at the cellar tonight at like 11 and I'm headed there now and I thought if you were in the city it would be cool if you dropped by and he was like I'll be there and I was like oh my god I remember going running out of my room to Anya and being like he's coming oh my god this is happening and I was just like oh he's like this guy is putting in effort he's

gonna come to the city on a school night to like hang out with me late at night I'm going I was just like so excited like suddenly this thing I had had a crush on him for like two months at that point every day seeing him at work just like falling on the floor like i love him and um i was so excited and then he shows up and we are just like at this table like awkwardly like just sipping seltzers and i go down and do my set and i'm like please don't come down and watch me because i knew that that was just like not gonna give me i'm just just too nervous and then i came back upstairs and he was like made best friends with the table next to us of this like table of like fun ladies like middle-aged ladies that were out and he was they were just like we love him and i was just like oh my god like he's sitting with these ladies and then

he comes back to my table arty lang comes in and i had just done his like show and he was like hey nikki and like came came up and gave me a hug and chris is a huge dirty work fan huge and so he was like i cannot believe arty lang your friends with arty lang so it was like kind of like a yeah yeah yeah and then and then it was just so late it was like 2 a.m the place starts almost like closing and uh i guess the point where we're just like okay and so we're walking out and i'm just like i don't know what to do like i know that i want to kiss this guy and like it's he's he's hung out long enough i know he likes me he knows i like there any hand touching it yeah no nothing and it's it's i'm terrible at flirting so so I'm sure I was giving him nothing.

But then we walk, you know, we walk down McDougal. We take a left on, no, we take a left, whatever. It doesn't matter. We take a left on 4th Street, 3rd Street. And then we get to 6th Avenue. What is it, a Bob Dylan song? We get down to 6th Avenue, and 6th Avenue goes uptown, and I was going to grab a cab to go uptown. And it was also the train entrance for him.

Now Billy Joel, okay. Paul Simon next. was gonna grab a cab to go uptown and it was also the train entrance for him now billy joe okay paul simon next did you go on a bridge over troubled water or no and then uh so i'm just like waiting and i'm like nikki do not fucking say anything because i wanted to break the tension so bad because we're just kind of like yeah on the corner like okay well oh those are the and i just like kind of like i'm looking down i like look up at him and he just goes get over here and he just like grabbed my wrist and just like pulled me over and we just like made out and it was amazing it was the best and i was just so glad like great we kissed it's over like end of the night like i can just go home success and he was like do you want to come over? And I was like, no. What?

Yeah, right. That's awesome. I did that, too. I was like, I'll see you tomorrow. And I was like, taxi. He said he could not believe how fast it happened between, like, kissing, me going, no, yeah, right, see you tomorrow. Taxi. Pulls up. I get inside it, and I wave goodbye.

And I'm like, yes, I got it, you know? And that was it. I like that you didn't let him go home. No, I would never have done that first of all i was like i was such a i'm such a prude yeah i would have never done that initially i was very like i just wanted to kiss him and i was so glad that i still liked him after we kissed because that for me had always as soon as i knew a guy liked me i would always not like them anymore um but i was still very like just like so into I was so excited and I was like scared of like penis like I still was like oh

I don't know what that's gonna be and I don't know if I'm good at stuff and you know all that fraught stuff so let's get to final thought do you think you meet it's probably a good like uh a good venue to meet someone at like the cellar like it gives you a a sense of value right because it's something you do you're gonna you're gonna look cooler at like that's good for a man for me i didn't do it as i just was like this is a place i'm where i i it was just a place to go yeah and it was a thing that i could make it seem like if he didn't like me at least it's just i'm inviting a friend to come to this thing so it gives you an out but it wasn't me being like

look how cool i am at all because first of all that women don't do that men think that way women it doesn't work for us to be like look how much value i have yeah we don't we just know we may try that in the beginning because we see you do it and we know it works on us so we go maybe it'll work for me it kind of worked though in a way

with already being there like it didn't that didn't affect him liking me it was a cool moment I was like oh maybe I have some it didn't

he doesn't give a fuck like that that was just a where he was like oh that's cool but it wasn't didn't make him want to have sex with me more

he's kind of in that world yeah he's kind of in that world anyway. Agreed. But he was not more sexually attracted to me, whereas women definitely get more sexually attracted to someone who seems to have famous friends and stuff. What was it like, though, being on stage and performing in front of him?

Was that the first time you did comedy in front of him? Well, he didn't go downstairs. No, he didn't go downstairs to watch me. So I actually had him not watch me for like, it was like six months. He never saw me do stand up. I forget the first time he saw me, but I was really nervous. And now it's my favorite thing to perform when he's watching because I just know like he is, he's, he's not, it's a, it's another thing again of like i don't think it gives he's

not more like horny for me afterwards he's just like i can't believe how good he's just like proud of me like almost the way like a family member or friend would be of like you're so good like he he's just a fan in that way but it's not like, it doesn't contribute to our romantic relationship. How does it feel to perform in front of Brenna when the crowd is tired? Before they really get in? When they're light laughers? We talked about that, right?

They're a quiet crowd. That's what she said to me. They're a quiet crowd. Oh my God, Chris has seen me bomb so much. But this is the thing, and i swear to god i would admit that i didn't bomb i didn't bomb but it felt kind of like a bomb especially i didn't feel like they were a quiet audience until i heard her say it yeah and it was just it was funny i i really did enjoy it but uh it was circumstantial yeah um how does it feel performing i like it like i

could it was funny on one of the jokes it's like a delayed kind of laugh you know oh it's a thinker yeah it's a thing i gotta do the math where it's which one is your delayed laugh joke i knew you were gonna say that i just want to know i just want to know it's the end of the dog walker story how does tell tell me but i made more money that joke okay yeah yeah i get it so it usually takes a second yeah yeah it took this crowd i'm not kidding it's so weird when they take it it's not gee i'm not saying i'm a no no no i know i'm not dimitri martin up here no one ever would would think that i mean everyone probably thinks no i know what you're saying though it took i'm not kidding long enough where I almost just,

I almost started going, I almost said goodnight. No, it was my closer. Oh, my God. So I almost went, all right, and just ended on the, and I gave it, and I heard Brenna laughing in between the timing. Well, because she knows. She knows. She would have probably been on the,

there was something you did that night that, because St. Louis is not a dumb audience they tend to get stuff like i've performed with them enough and i know where some audiences are a little bit slow to like just you know jokes that are a little bit more under the radar and you kind of got to listen like kevin nealon-ish stuff where it's like you got to be listening to get it st louis isn't like that i'm thinking you must have done something that made it a little bit more... It needed more... They needed more time with it. But Brendan knows the joke.

So her laughing allowed me to pause just long enough for it to hit. And it hit hard. Like really hard. Because they're proud of themselves once they get it. The more work they put into it. It's a... thing of like... Oh wait, we can't say that.

It's like the edge thing. You don't, you guys can't handle this. And then when they, when they work for it and go, no, we can, they put in work.

And so they're going to like it all the more. And when an audience feels proud of themselves for getting something, that's like, they feel smart. They laugh so much harder. That's why you always, when you do a joke where it's very niche and only like three people will get the reference, people laugh super, those three people laugh super hard because they want you to know, I got it. I'm smart.

I do the same thing. I've done that to comedians where I'm like, I need them to know that I got that because I'm on the same wavelength and I'm smart, Marc Maron. It's like, I know what word you chose, Gary Goldman. Yes. Yes. But I know that Gary is what word you chose, Gary Goldman. Yes. Yes. But I know that Gary is not impressed by pseudo-intellectuals. Oh, no. Of course not.

So I would never try to even – I know he's so smart that he knows I'm dumb. So I wouldn't even try to convince him that I get it, if that makes sense. Yeah. It's like your word choice, man. You could have went with a different word. Oh, my God. I know, man. Yeah, I know.

But anyhow, yeah, I saw Demetri Martin perform at the West Palm Beach Improv like 15 years ago. He's one of my favorites of all time. But like I would say the crowd didn't seem like the smartest crowd. I would say 30% of the crowd would laugh just so no one knew they were dumb. Like I honestly could – like I remember looking at tables going, you didn't really get that. You're just looking around and then laughing. I'm trying to think of one of his jokes

and I can't recall any of them, but they're all so good. Okay, that's our show for today. We have another show tomorrow that we're about to record. I can't wait for it. We'll see you then. Don't be cut and cheers.

Yeah, keep leasing. Ooh, that's. I can't wait for it. We'll see you then. Don't be cut. And cheers. Jackie Gleason. Ooh, that's when we haven't tried. Maybe. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show, ears edition podcast. Join late night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews,

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