The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #204 Cool Face

Episode Date: April 15, 2022

According to Andrew, Nikki is dressed like a barfly. She's ok with that and also with calling out mistakes on her face. As they anticipate Andrew's birthday, they get into when they became adults. Ever wonder what it's like to get a gift from Whitney Cummings? Nikki shares how she got hers after appearing on her podcast. You Heard It Here First: hopefully they won't lose a leg in Texas, it's ok if you bend your rim and Obama vs a Fly. Fanthrax is short and sweet with voicemails about a cool face, live pictures and a cop cracking up.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's Nikki Glaser Podcast. I'm Nikki Glaser.

I'm in St. Louis with Andrew Collin in studio. What's up? I love this look. Yeah, you like this look? Yeah. Describe it to the people that are listening to audio. And for Noah, who maybe can't get a close-up all the way from Arizona. If you can imagine a Midwest woman in a dark bar at the end.

Oh, yeah. Drinking, having cigarettes inside the bar. Oh, really? Yeah, it's kind of a feel I'm seeing. I really was feeling a lot cooler than that. No, that's the coolest girl I could imagine. Really? She sounds sad.

She sounds like she needs to get her life together and grow up a little bit. She's been through a lot. Yeah. Yeah. You look like a bar fly, a St. Louis bar fly is what I... What's a bar fly? Just a girl, someone that hangs out at the bar a lot.

Oh, okay. Yeah. I mean, I just picture you... I mean, I'm wearing a Budweiser shirt, but it's the one I got in Cabo that says Budweiser. And the Cardinals hat. And I'm wearing a Cardinals hat, yeah. Yeah.

Because I still have bruises on my forehead from Botox. I have to go. And I'm getting a photo shoot for the Post-Dispatch, which is the local newspaper, today. And I'm still swollen from Botox and filler. And the girls at the place yesterday were like you know oh well and i go maybe i'll move the photo shoot and then i was like i'll just tell them that i'm i'm like maybe i'll just like underneath the caption i'll be like here's nikki and her parents and nikki just had filler at nyack and i'll give them a little plug plug

a rooney yeah you know like there's nothing to be ashamed of i go why why do girls get to dye and Nikki just had filler at Nyack. I don't give them a little plug-a-rooney. There's nothing to be ashamed of. I go, why do girls get to dye their hair and be like, I got my hair dyed, but me, I'm like, I got filler and I ain't gotta be... Yeah, you got your forehead dyed. No, my... Your forehead dyed. It is weird.

Chris hasn't seen me for two weeks and my face looks... It's a little bit swollen, but also it looks different because I got fucking filler is the point of it. And I gonna i'm wondering like last time i got it he was like what's um i told him and he goes so like is that like the way it's gonna look there was a little bit of like are those lips like gonna be that way forever yeah yeah and it was so cute because i was just like no they're they're swollen a little bit right now but like i he's like not that it's a bad thing but like you know it's it's funny

because your partner loves you for you and then when you change things about yourself your physical appearance whether it's working out like sometimes not that he guys get like some guys get threatened when you like put in effort to your looks because they're like you're trying to get fucked by someone else but chris is just like you can do whatever you want but like i love you the way you are and that's very sweet but there's a little bit of like don't change because i know i get that i'm like i would be sad if he he got things in his face to change his perfect face. It's like, why am I not enough? When he gets fit.

No, when he gets fit, I'm kind of like, you know what? I don't need this, right? I would never love you more because your arm had a different bulge in it. It doesn't affect my love for you. And it makes me understand how someone can love me no matter what size i am because it's comical to me that i would love him less if he had less hair that would just never be a thing yeah i mean then why because i'm on tv and america might like me and i like me more with a face where I don't look as tired as I am. That's a good answer.

And sometimes I don't like me more. I could definitely go overboard. It's like getting a bad haircut. Sometimes you're like, well, I won't do that again. Or get it dissolved. You could always take it back. But I'm willing to make mistakes on my face. I think it's totally okay to be like, whoa.

And I'll call it out. It'd be way worse if I fucked up my face and I'm an actress who has to act like, no, I just got stung by some bees or like an allergic reaction to mango. It's like, no. You're not Mike Tyson. I would just say,

I got a little heavy handed with the filler. You didn't get like an insane tattoo. It's not like... Well, no, that's even better because it's like you can say I got a tattoo. Women who fuck up their faces go, no, I just – they don't talk about it or they just go into hiding. Whereas I'd go, yeah, I got my lips done. It was a mistake. And I can say that on Conan.

But it also goes down. It also goes down and so do I now. That's why you get your lips done. Oh, my God. and so do i no that's why you get your lips done oh my god every time if girls out there are ever like considering getting filler in the future if you've done it before you already know this i swear to you the day after you will freak out and you will call the place and be like this isn't what i wanted wait she even said to me, she was like, now two days. Do not wait two days before you start going like,

I need it dissolved or anything. So you got to get past this like uncomfortable period. I'm used to it now. It's so fun. I like it. It is the same to me as getting my hair dyed of like, what is this going to, or like getting my hair cut. It's like, what is this going to be?

It's a little bit risky. It's not one in four dying risky. It's not K2 risky. It's like, what is this going to be? It's a little bit risky. It's not one in four donning risky. It's not K2 risky. It's not K2. But it's a fun little risk where it's like, this could make me look so much better. And I was looking back at old pictures of when I got stuff done to my face. And I go, I don't like that. At the time, I thought, it's too much.

And I was going back to, so I went, I couldn't remember when I'd gotten stuff done so I went back to my emails to see when I'd sent my insurance cards to these places or whatever it was um insurance doesn't cover it but I sent something I found in my emails I go okay October 2019 so I go back to that at part of my photo album and I see the pictures that I used to go oh my god what the fuck did you do your face and now I now I'm like, that looks so fucking good. Because even over the past three years, faces have changed enough where a face with work done on it looks more normal now.

And it didn't as much back then. I do remember when you got filler in your cheeks. Yes. And I remember- Yeah, I remember that too. I remember it being, because I knew i guess your face before it felt way more drastic than whatever you're doing now not saying that like oh because

your face looks fake now now it looks more fake no it's just like one i'm used to whatever your face is a lot back then one day i went buck wild wild. Yeah. And you went from like nothing. And now I just do subtle. Yes. You can't even. I think it looks better now than when it got changed then, if that makes sense. Yeah. I mean. I don't know. I mean, I'm not judging it. I'm just saying.

Yes. No, I get that. But. It's funny. I work out now. And like, if I put on like a. It's so funny when you don't dress up. Like, you put on a button down over it.

And Brenna's like, Dressed up, huh? What are you getting dressed up for? I'm like, first of all, I didn't even button this button down. Where are we going? I think to do this podcast. She's like, oh, you're having people see the video on YouTube? Yeah, yeah, you're trying to look hotter? I'm like, yeah.

I feel better about myself. Is that okay? Is it okay that i think i look hotter it's a good point because i go she's busting my balls but it was still funny but it is there is a part of you that goes who are you doing this for yes like why do you need to wear a button down why do you need to look nice if you already have a girlfriend and i love you like what are you trying to get and it's the bigger story is that sorry but looking fuckable helps yeah even if i'm not gonna fuck people yes it is true and you can say no i do it for myself

no you're doing it so people think you're attractive and are it's my whole thing is that i want mirror yes and do it for yourself so they have a positive response. A friend of mine told me about a TED Talk or something that he watched about how if you high-five yourself in the mirror and just start every day with a positive attitude looking at yourself, it changes your overall mental well-being. I believe that.

Is there something that helps with that? Because mirrors are such an anomaly and there's something like mod they're modern i mean we did not grow up like we're not humans aren't meant to like see themselves and so when you see yourself saying you look fucking great high five your subconscious kind of processes that as someone else telling it to you because there's no protocol for us talking to ourselves because it was never a thing. And so when you see that back at you, your brain kind of goes, someone else is giving you positive reinforcement because it doesn't make sense that you yourself are talking to yourself. And for sure, like when I feel bad about myself, I'll shower with like – I'll make sure like the certain light is on. You know, like less light.

Like if I don't feel as good about myself or my body or whatever, like I'll shower in the darker the better. Because when you get out, you don't have to see your own body. Oh, I've never done that. Yeah. I'm kind of like look at it, bitch. Own it. Like see it. Don't be in denial.

This is the thing again about like yeah you don't want to see the sharks if you're swimming and i want the water to be clear i want to know the truth yeah i want harsh lighting to be like this is the real thing i don't want to filter on my instagram i want to like i don't want to be lied to gotcha but i do understand like sometimes you're injecting your face yeah but that's because I see the truth. And that's not lying. If my face gets injected and looks better, that's a true thing. Okay, so you could handle the truth, but you still can change the truth.

You could change things to make it seem better. Yeah, because if I see the truth, then I go, this is something I have to fix. If I'm seeing my body and it's like, I'm so ashamed of it, that's just going to lead me to be in denial of it and keep doing fix. If I'm seeing my body and it's like, I'm so ashamed of it. Yeah. That's just going to lead me to be in denial of it and keep doing things the way I'm doing. I make changes when I'm like forced with like, this is unmanageable. Yeah.

And I work out until I can turn the light on. Yeah. And then you start not stop working out because you're like, I did it. Yeah. And I get turned the light back on. Yes. Well,

we all have our things. I mean, when I am feeling like not comfortable in my own skin, I will, if I have like an itch on an area, I think I probably said this before. If I have an itch on an, like, this is where like on my hips, like lower stomach is where fat starts to like accumulate. If I'm feeling like my pants are tight there and there's going to be like this bulge that I don't like, I will like scratch it with like this. So I don't have to like feel it because it's just like,

I know, cause I already know what's there. It's not like I'm like, but you don't want to feel your own fat with your fingers. No, I don't need that. That's I won't scratch my, I'll use like a pencil or something because I just don't want to,

I don't want to feel my, I know that's crazy. No, no, I get what you're saying. I, that makes sense to me because it's something about I know that's crazy. No, no. I get what you're saying. That makes sense to me. Because it's something about that

that just... Like when the waistband creates a divot or like... And when I take off pants and all of a sudden I can see the imprint of the pants in my skin.

It's just... That's a rude awakening of like, you need some new pants. But again, it's like... Or underwear. Sometimes I'll take my underwear and I'll put it

over that little flab. My Lululemon. You know the flab right here? Have been in trouble underwear and i'll put it over that little flab my you know the flab right here have been like i'll put it over that right as opposed to having it hang a little bit even though that's not where the underwear i know you always got that's why like high-waisted it keeps the bulge it tucks it it goes over the yeah over the bulge yeah battle of the bulge i want it it over it. And I want, and like even Lululemon pants recently have been like a struggle to put on in terms like they feel like spank sometimes where I'm like, okay, things are different.

And it's just like, and it's so funny to go back and look at old pictures when I thought my body was a problem. It's just like, even looking back at those old pictures of like, okay, I'm gonna pull up, I was pulling up for the doctor to go,

this is not what I want. And I pulled up and I go, oh my God, will you just do this? I was trying to use it as an example of what I didn't want. And I go, can you get me back to that? And I remember hating that photo. So now I really got to remember that right now, someday I'm going to look back at this video

of me looking like a barfly in St. Louis with a budweiser shirt and a baseball cap marlboro red and a swollen face i'm gonna go look at your hair how long it was and like look at the look at your arm how like the other day i had a picture on my instagram and my arm was kind of like i was hugging someone it was pressed down you know when you sit and your thighs like oh yeah spread out yeah yeah yeah more than if you're standing and my arm was just like pressed like this and it was a picture that i was like uncomfortable with because it's not what i thought my arm looked like still lovable still like and it's i'm not there's not i'm just and people get mad at me sometimes when i talk about feeling

quote unquote fat because they're like well if you feel fat then what does that make me this is this is i'm just being honest i cannot help it when you feel fat, then what does that make me? I'm just being honest. I cannot help it. When I feel fat, it's because I'm depressed. It's not because I'm actually fat. So when I'm saying I feel fat, that is not me telling you you should feel bad about yourself. That is not me saying that if I saw you, I'd be like, whoa, what's wrong with her? It is a highly personal thing that I do not project. So I just want to make that clear because I have had people get upset with me and for good reason.

And I like hearing it because it makes me remember if I'm kind of in my diseased brain. But I saw my arm and I was just like, you know what? Fuck it. I like I'm a little bit heavier right now. I'm putting I'm like owning it. Like I'm not going to try to avoid this part of my life. Just put it out there. And then some girl wrote to me was like, your arm is goals in this picture.

And I was like, well, isn't that interesting? This picture that I thought was telling the world like I'm a new size world. was like your arm is goals in this picture and i was like well isn't that interesting this picture that i thought was telling the world like i'm a new size world like here i am and like get used to it someone wrote goals and like my version of like oh this isn't is and it's because and guess what it is goals i'm gonna look back at the picture and go i can't believe my arm was so cute i can't believe that night i was like why is my arm like we just and this whole thing of like i'm so old bitch you're the youngest you're ever gonna be right now yes just start embracing it you're about to turn 48 you're about to turn 42 do you feel like um is that does that mean something to you no 42 is a is probably my favorite number well jackie robinson was 42 7 times 6 is 42 43

no it's not yeah it is 7 times 6 is 42 43 no it's not noah i love how you have to you have to go to a calculator it is 42 yeah it is because 7 times 7 is 49 yeah okay so Jackie Robinson is 42 yeah I am at 48 well I was gonna it was just gonna

I was thinking about you being a bar fly and like another woman sitting next to you at the bar yeah who has kind of a similar look and she's like

yeah husband takes it out on you too. And you're like, no, this is Botox and filler. Like I'm all swollen and bruised. No, this is me beating myself up. This is me showering with bad lighting. All right, let's go to break and comeering with bad lighting. All right. Let's go to break and come back with more show. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. Anything else we want to talk about before we get to Fan Thrax? 42.

Oh, yeah, 42. I'm telling you, when you're in your late 20s, or even when you turn 30, you feel like it's time to be an adult. I'm so old. I'm an adult now there is something to aging where like even if i say 42 i can't believe like it is weird for me it's so wild like there's a lot of reasons why but um age starts not becoming like an adult thing because you've been an adult so long it It's just like, you know what?

Does that make sense? When you transfer to something, then it feels like. When did you start feeling like an adult? Noah, when was the age where you were like, okay, this is an adult age? No, it's when you think you have to be an adult. Well, what age is that for you where you go, well, this is. Fuck, it was like 25. I thought that.

30? It was 30, yeah. I think 27 for me was like okay this is this is this is up there yeah i'm off my parents insurance it's 25 is actually kind of the last age where it's like the rental car thing you can finally rent a car on your own it's it's so weird that that's the last thing they hold out and then the next one is social security at 60 no the next one's president at 35 then the next one's social security at 60 but 25 is this like age that you where everyone can get it you could do anything else except rent a car i know it's fucking weird so there's nothing to really look forward to really other than if then you start doing things

like you get married you have kids yeah those are things 38 i'm about to be 38 and i'm man i'm i'm saying i'm 37 as much as i can because it's the last months i'm 37 and this age that i you know in summertime i i don't want to talk about my age because i just left the old one behind and it's the beginning of that for me you know what i'm saying yeah but towards the end of it you go no i'm 37 i'm still 37 because even though i'm going to be 30 tomorrow, I'm 37 today. That to me, 38 to me is like, it's just, I've said this before, but when you remember your parents turning that age and you were old enough to know that you're, that's the wild thing is that I cannot believe I don't have kids. And my mom had a-

I remember my dad's 40th. I can remember vividly. It's the over-the-hill age. I remember him getting a cake. Yes, the over-the-hill. That was such a big thing in the 90s. And you're getting... Over the hill.

Yeah, over the hill was huge. And what was the other thing? I feel like adults were more adult when we were kids, though. What is it when you buy something when you get older? A midlife crisis. A midlife crisis. So he got a Porsche and he was like 40. I used get older a midlife crisis a midlife crisis so he got a porsche and he was like 40 i used to have a really dark joke about midlife crises really like one of the worst jokes i've ever told can you say it um my little nephew um has leukemia this is not

true this is just a joke made up to like make the worst joke he's eight years old he just got a he just got a like we got him a little toy corvette for his fourth birthday you know but he has leukemia so it's you know midlife crisis it's pretty decent but it's it's tragic as fuck and it's it's made up i mean there's no um but midlife i guess 40 is midlife but not anymore anymore. I mean, Whitney Cummings just gave me a book about extending your life by 12 years, like instantly, like without question. What do you have to do? You gotta read this book.

I haven't done that. I'm gonna read a third of it. So I'm gonna at least read four more years. Math. Seven times seven, minus seven, 43. So I, but it's all about like taking peptides and shit like that she's getting me on a regimen she also gave me a complimentary family constellation session we did a podcast it's out today um she was talking on her podcast about how in her past

her family she has a immense like she's obsessed with horses and she can't even see she can't even be in a part of new york city if there's going to be horse carriages like if she sees a horse carriage she goes into this like mom like lifting a car to get her children out mode she just goes into another dimension where she can't do the today show she can't do like letterman like when she would win the letterman she had to go a different route because it's so triggering upsetting upsetting to her it's the same as like if like two lane highways for me i'll never drive to vegas if that because of two lane like it's just a phobia she can't handle herself around horse carriages and this woman went back and looked at her family history and like just read her energy it's kind of like mediums like tyler henry stuff

and was like something went on with horses in your family and she uncovered that her gram her great-grandfather had a hand in designing horse carriages so the wheels would not fall off so he contributed to the horse carriage industry and probably did some heinous things to horses that she is now correcting as a descendant of people who maybe abused horses. And so, like, in it – I talked to this woman on the phone yesterday for a consultation. And Whitney's paying for my first session. She's like – this is what Whitney does. She's just like – suddenly you'll get a text with a random number attached to it. And she's like, Nikki, this is, you know, Dr. Brown, and he's going to save your parents' lives.

Okay, just have a consult with him. It's on me, the first one. She's just like, I have so many doctors on my phone from Whitney. So I had a call with this woman yesterday, and I did not understand. It was just a consult. I didn't understand what it was. I thought it was she looks up my ancestry or something, and it's facts, but it's more like she's just an intuitive and she just reads energy and through the phone.

Is there hypnosis? That's what I asked. I go, is there hypnosis? And she was like, no, it's just we come up with tools to heal the trauma of things that you're dealing with now. Like if you have certain weird fears now or like fears in your life, we unpack those to see what they could mean and where you got them. And then it's just a – It's cool. Whitney said if anything, it's just great material because it's just a weird thing to experience and to kind of dig up your past. So did this woman feel –

It's a meeting over next week. Did she feel that Whitney's great-grandfather – Yes, she just feels it. So yesterday on the phone call, she was kind of starting – So the wheels thing could just be made up. No, I think Whitney looked it up and it was true. Oh. But the woman yesterday was like,

something at four and a half happened to you where you felt like, she was just like, I don't know, I'm getting a sense at four and a half, someone, you got told that you weren't good enough or that you needed to be punished until you got a reward. Something really big happened at four and a half and I'm like i don't fucking know what that could have been

but we were kind of unpacking why i can't um ever be rewarded unless i suffer first and then when the reward comes i fight it because i just don't feel like i deserve it orgasms gift giving um meals i just don't i want to delay pleasure because i feel like i don't deserve it she's like somewhere along we got to figure out where that happened. We go back, we heal that and then we... It's always so annoying that everything in your past that you have to remember happen at a

time that you can't remember. Just once I want to be like, dude, when you were 22, I want one reader to be like, yeah, wouldn't that be nice? But then you could question their book. I'm not saying she's bullshit, but it's easier to question the bullshit if you could remember

yourself. Yes. If someone goes, when you were five. I look at it like tarot, you know, like I don't really believe that these cards you're flipping over, like telling me things, but it's a way to like, just look at the past and go, oh, actually, because there's without question something happened to me as a child where I got a message that you don't get to enjoy things

unless you work for them first. And it's just not a good message and it got cemented and implanted somewhere in my childhood. So it doesn't hurt to just say four and a half and make me kind of come up with something. You know, actually, that's probably a healthy solution

even if it's made up. I mean, who was a workaholic that was closest to you? There's no workaholics in my household. Really, there's not. But my mom is very much someone who's... Someone complaining about money a lot growing up? Don't ruin your dinner. You don't get to have something until we wait until after dinner.

Those wait until later. You're not opening presents until this time. And my dad was always like, just let's have snacks now let's just open presents on christmas eve and my mom's very much like no we wait until the table is set until the you know yes so it was a constant battle of those two things i think and then there's probably going to be something that's like major was money talked about a lot in your childhood oh yes so that could be something, too, I think, with reward and money. And then I also think that your dad was a guitarist, and he wanted to be a musician. He wanted to be a performer.

But instead, you know. That never. No, that never came up. I mean, I can see what you're saying. It never even registered that my dad was like. But like around five and a half. What I'm feeling now. Yeah, yeah.

What are you getting from me right now? And what are you sensing? I'm getting like a bar fly last night I was we were actually on a text thread with my

friend from high school and she's probably listening to this because she was laughing so hard when I she was telling me about like when I she's the one in high school

that wore a shirt that said whatever and it was like so counterculture holla you know holla Noah and I was talking so counterculture holla you know holla uh noah and i was talking to her on this text about like she said that the other day she needed to share

with me and my friend she was like the a thing came up where because it was always the moniker for her was holla don't cur like holla just doesn't care like whatever i'm just gonna do whatever like i'm just she was just like like this free spirit but sometimes it felt like you're trying to be a free spirit like we would kind of go like what's this whatever shirt why are you wearing a cat in the hat hat like it would be like this and then i we were talking about it on this text chain and she said that a neighbor of hers saw her in the rain like walking in her car in torrential rain from her built like her car to a building and the woman was like i'd never seen someone walk like there's not torrential rain like without an umbrella and not even like try to run you just like walked like it was like a normal sunshiny day and and she was

like she was like you just didn't care and she was like it's so funny because that used to be and i was like and she goes i think i go you should tell this woman it's not so much you're like a free spirit but that your rebellion was that your mom was the opposite of that so your way of rebel her mom was like perfect yes ran marathons looked stunning every morning made us like pancakes and like croissants for the girls like she was just a super mom and so gorgeous and so perfect that Hala did the opposite. And it was like, I don't care. And I relate to that too. Whenever someone's really anxious about something, when you get anxious about a stand-up set,

I want to do the opposite and go, I don't care about it at all. Because you just want to fight the thing that you actually feel like maybe I should be doing this. I did that for sure with my parents. My mom didn't do anything a lot of times because, you know, of the alcoholism. So I wanted to rebel. Part of me wanted to do the same thing and be lazy, which I've leaned into. I want to say lazy is the wrong word to say when someone has a disease, but like depressed. And then my dad was a workaholic.

So I wanted to be like the opposite of that. Opposite. You're going to go to the other like the opposite opposite you're gonna go to the other yeah i'm gonna go to the other you're gonna be like your dad or you're gonna be like your mom yeah so you were constantly juggling these two of like fuck you mom i'm gonna work really hard and then you'd be like oh fuck i'm looking at my dad okay fuck yeah i'm gonna look like mom yeah oh man that's interesting and that makes sense both were extremes but what were you just talking about right before that? Don't care. In the rain. Oh, walking in the rain.

It was raining like two days ago. And I was just walking with Brenna. I was like, I don't really mind. I don't know. I feel like in New York, I always felt like I had to get past the rain. I was walking in the rain today or the other day. And I was just like, it's OK. It's just rain.

It's just like, it's kind of nice. Yeah, we do freak out about rain, but it's just water. People freak the fuck out about it. Well, I have to say, hair. Well, warm rain and cold rain. Women's hair comes into play there. A lot. Hair, hair. It's like, because when your hair gets wet, you got to start all over as a woman.

Unless you're, you know, that's the big thing that men have to take into consideration. All right, let's get to the news. I also had a raincoat and an umbrella, but. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, man. It's Thursday, folks.

You know what that means. It is Thursday. Tonight, we will be in Austin at the Paramount Theater. Two shows. Two shows. 7 o'clock, 9.30. I'm guessing tickets are still available for both, but mostly probably the second show. I mean, it's still-

Tons of comics in town, too. I mean, it's going to be a big festival. Are they all going to be in town tomorrow, mean it's gonna be a big festival are they all gonna be in town tomorrow you think no i looked at the lineup i think there's uh no i almost said nosha and matasha mosha and natasha are gonna be performing the same time as us which sucks because i want to go see them but um hopefully we'll run into them in the lobby of the hotel or something like that it is kind of nice when you live in st louis and you see comics either we haven't i haven't seen some new New York comics you were talking about the other day.

I mean, it's like – A couple years. It's insane. Yes. I miss comics so much, but there's also this fear of like – you know, it's like the pandemic when you haven't socialized in a long time and you like miss it so much, but you're also like, well, now I kind of don't want to because I'm scared of it.

Like there's a part of me that really recoils at the idea of a comedy festival because it's like comics might be my show judging me comics i'll have to like be more social and like i don't really want to hang out and i'll feel bad about not hanging out and you know the other night was the 50th anniversary at the comedy store and i went to dinner with spade and adam egett and then afterwards adam was going to the store and i was like i have to get up at 4 a.m for a flight i was like i'm just not gonna go and then I listened to Greg Fitzsimmons podcast the other day and he went and he said it was like the best night

of his life and it was like the coolest event and I had the I usually do have no FOMO and I had major FOMO and I wish I would have gone but I do have anxiety about being around comedians because I think that they sometimes I think I get like today I called this radio show in Austinin actually um it was uh

fuck what was the name of the guys they're so nice and they love you so much bob and uh matt matt and bob um oh i remember meeting yeah that we went in with them they were really nice they said hi but um i did it so with them and they were like you know pretty soon you're not even gonna call us anymore you're're going to be so big. And I'm just like, I forget that people think that – in some circles I'm a big deal, and I've made it, and I'm famous now. And then because also I was running late this morning, so my assistant called my publicist to call them. And so they got a call from my publicist because I didn't even have their numbers. But then it looked like I was big time.

But I'm like, I'm eating oatmeal in St. Louis in my fucking kitchen someone tweeted the other day like from a blog of like Nikki Glaser we've lost Nikki Glaser to Hollywood sorry guys and I wrote back I literally live in St. Louis and he's like well if you want to talk about this on my podcast I have a I have a lot of evidence for why I think you've gone a little Hollywood and I'm like and then I looked at his, he had like 500 followers. I go, no,

I'm not going to fucking defend myself. This is the dumbest. But so I go into these situations where I either think everyone thinks I'm a fraud. All the comedians are like, she doesn't deserve what she's gotten. Or they think that I'm like such a big deal that they can't act naturally around me.

Cause they're younger comics that are like, she's big, which isn't true either. Neither are true. It's again, between mom and dad. I don't know which one I am. I don't know either. Alright, news. Alright, so since you're going to be in Texas, I have a Texas story for you.

Things are big. A leg found by a motorist on I-10 in Cibolo, which is a town in Texas, was related to a fatality accident 50 miles away. How hard did she get hit? The accident happened when a 48-year-old man pulled over onto the right-hand shoulder of I-10 and got out of his truck, was hit by a passing motorist.

Officials believe that the body part became lodged onto a passing truck and dislodged about 50 miles away before it was found. Like truck nuts, but with a truck leg. Oh boy, that's funnier than I laughed. That was really funny. Okay, let me just say a couple things here.

PSA, okay, public service announcement. The more you know, ding ding do not ever pull on the side of the highway if your car unless your car is breaking down you don't have a choice if your tire blows out if anything drive to the nearest exit it is more safe to drive on a rim and spend the money it's going to take to ruin your fucking rim or whatever it is you're driving on then to change when people change tires on highway is the number one way that people die on highways please you are not smarter than these people who get hit these people get hit because they are they're they just don't know this rule my dad player just died on the highway really doing that he was trying to cross it. Just, you guys,

please, I'm begging you, especially, like, if this happens to you, because, listen, we've all, like, tires get blown out. We, you know, you might run over a fucking leg or something.

Wearing heels. Yeah, you hit a stiletto. But here's the thing. Please just drive to the nearest exit because you don't know what you're risking in in trying to do something on the side of the highway just and never ever get out of your car on the side of the highway people get hit all the time and they people don't see what things happen

too fast so i just really want to if i can save one life potentially just fuck up your car even if your dad's like why'd you drive on the rim you should have pulled over you ruined the car say well i could have almost died if i try to change this on the highway don't even call triple a and have them do it because these got those guys die it's so dangerous i lost a friend to this i'm very passionate about it um that being said um this story is insane and if i ever get hit by a car i hope that a part of me ends up in the front of something and ends up 50 miles. I think it's so funny. They're like, there's no way that was that same body.

Yeah. And they have to put it like Tetris. I mean, it's wild. Yeah. It reminds me of a lot of things. Well, it's interesting to come up to the accident and go, oh, this person they killed must have only had one leg. Because there's no other leg. Or they just go, where the fuck? They're just searching

for it and they have no idea. Who took this leg? I would just assume it probably got stuck in the grill. What's the weirdest thing? What's the weirdest thing that... What is the weirdest thing you've ever found in your car? Have you ever hit anything weird?

I once hit, I'll answer this while you talk. I once was driving to the Funny Bone when I first started comedy at Westport on 270. And there was a flock of beautiful white geese that were flying across the highway too low. And I hit like five of them and it was the most satisfying sound ever of hit like of just birds like like kirsten and i used

to love to throw like when we were feeding ducks we used to love to throw the ducks against trees now we used to love to throw see if you're listening we used to love to throw pieces of bread no i was just the listener i would love to throw pieces of bread i've talked about this before onto the duck's back because it was just this thump that was like like hitting like feathers like a little thing i have to say i mean it was the worst thing i've ever had that's ever happened to me is like having all that they die you know there are feathers in my grill oh yeah for sure you injured them i like i couldn't look back it was too did you reverse too when i drive past roadkill i I'm not kidding you,

I put up my hand like this and I do a blind spot because I can't. It happened yesterday. I was visiting my parents and I saw a squirrel that was probably just killed within the past couple hours. And I put up my hand. I mean, it's my kind of Whitney thing of like horse care. Like I just can't deal with animals that have been hit. Unless you hit them yourself.

Oh, it was the worst. Have you ever hit a deer or anything like that? Deer or old man. That was my joke from back in the day. It's pretty funny. One time I hit my own car. I had a fly in my car. And I tried to hit the fly.

And I hit my windshield. You had an collision in your car inside the car. It came inside the car. And I'm driving in Texas. In Texas. I swear to God, I was with my stepbrother driving to California. When I moved out to California to become a producer. So you hit a fly in your own car and then did it cause a collision?

I broke the windshield. Oh my God, no way. I broke my own windshield. Your front windshield? Yeah, and I missed the fly. I think he flew out probably to hold the windshield. Oh my God. Have you ever seen Obama kill that fly in an interview? No, shoe fly. It it's the sexiest thing that i mean obama's not my number one you know

let's take a quick break and i'm going to tell you about this obama thing john stewart is back at the daily show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with the daily show ears edition Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

you get your podcasts. So, can I pull it up on my phone? Yeah. And have you watch it? So, Obama... Or I could... Yeah, just pull it up. Just type Obama fly. It's gonna be like him in some cool jeans with sunglasses on looking fly as fuck. With a bar fly.

I mean, he's so hot. But he's in the middle of this interview, and he'll be like, you know, we were dealing with a lot of troops in that situation. And then he gets it in his periphery. It's so hot. There's something about a man that just... I mean, you know me. I don't like any kind of insect being killed.

Did you see it? Yeah. I mean, it was very. I don't like any kind of insect being killed. Did you see it? Yeah. I mean, it was very quick. Isn't it cool? Have you ever seen the, of course you've seen it when George W. Bush almost gets hit by that shoe. That's another fucking hot thing. I was attracted to him because he just was so cool about it, the way he dodged it.

And it was someone who was definitely an NBA natural born athlete. Also, he's dodged a lot of things like have come at him yeah like war crimes blame for invading iraq killing two million middle eastern people he's like but i draw now for fun that's him going yeah he did dodge great and who throws a shoe remember from austin powers oh who throws a shoe that was that hurt that was before yeah that was so funny that i referenced that scene of um in my head i referenced that scene of oh because i talk about i don't do this joke anymore but i used to do a thing about this this weapon i had called um the tiger lady and you would squeeze it in your hand and it had these claws that come out and it was to defend myself i

would use it when i was running and at like twilight and i'd be like you know if someone came across me i would just fucking fuck them up and then i kind of ran through a scenario in which i would do that and i realized i don't like to like hurt people and i don't know how to use it so what i would do is just probably like scratch them and they'd be like ow yeah what fuck you and then this this seemingly like random act of violence would turn into a crime of passion because they'd be like you fucking scratched me bitch so i should i could have just gotten mugged and raped you know normally or just mugged now he's just fucking mad and wants to like so i say that the detective crumbs on the scene is like well the seemingly random act of violence

had turned into a crime of oh the tiger lady this bitch scratched him for like it's just like it's just getting you, because I don't know how to, you would just hurt someone enough that they would just be so much more mad. Yeah, and it'd be more personal. Like, if I was trying to kill you and you scratched me too.

That's why mace is the thing to use. Really? Yeah, gel mace is the number one thing that women should use because it shoots really far away. What's that? It's mace. Take that.

Atop that. Okay, let's get to, oh, take that as that. Atop that. Okay, let's get to, oh, take that is Mace, the rapper. Okay, let's get to Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Yeah, fuck. Okay, Fanthrax. Fanthrax.

All right, let's hear it. Noah, what do the besties have to say this week? You said there's a lot of good stuff. Okay. The first one is from Ellen. Oh, my God. From who? Ellen.

Ellen. Hi, Nikki, Andrew, and Noah. This is Ellen from Kansas City. I love you guys on the podcast so, so much. Okay. So I'm calling in because I think this is a cup, but I don't know how to, like, it might be an offshoot of cup. And my friends and I invented it in high school.

It's called cool face. And it's like when you do something really cool in front of a group of people, but you don't want to acknowledge that it was cool. If that makes sense. So like an example is I played tennis in high school. And so like, if I hit a really good shot,

like an overhead or something that was like, like kind of impressive when people were watching you had to like make a cool face because you can't like get excited in front of people because it's like embarrassing because you don't want to acknowledge the fact that yeah you don't want to be cut you hit a really good shot i don't know how it's like it's the anti people are watching you and you just have to go cool face cool face and you can't like smile or anything because you have to act like it's no big deal. I want to see what the cool face looks like now. And then also, so fast, Nikki, I literally freaked out a few episodes ago when you were talking about people from St. Louis wearing St. Louis stuff from the airport. I'm from Kansas City.

My friends and I talk about this all the time. People from Kansas City wear Chiefs stuff and like KU Stuff every single time they go to the airport I don't know why You always know if you're on a flight to Kansas City Because the people are like scattered throughout The airport and like bright red Chiefs stuff

Ellen you're so right I was just traveling this weekend I swear to god I was in Canada and saw Kansas City Stuff and let me just say I'm was in Canada and saw Kansas City stuff. And let me just say, I am more prone to seeing Kansas City stuff because I have been there, lived there before, around there. And so it pops out to me more. So maybe I'm just seeing, maybe there's Detroit stuff everywhere

and I just don't care because, you know. But I will say Kansas City is, I saw it all over this weekend. I think they relate the airport to their – because it's the Kansas City airport. No, no, no. I'm talking about traveling in any airport. You just see people traveling wearing Kansas City stuff. Oh, I think she's talking about people wear it to the airport because that's their city. Well, they wear it, no, like when they're on the plane headed back to Kansas City maybe.

No, but my point is that, yes, they'd probably be wearing it anyways. Yeah. But the reason why, maybe in their brain, they go, I gotta wear my Kansas City sweater because I'm going to the Kansas City. Oh, because it's like MCI. I'm going to the Kansas City airport. That's the airport code. Okay, that makes sense.

See what I'm saying? But I also want to say to the Ke face, what do you think the Ke face looks like? Or the cool face. Cool face. So say you did the cool face. Cool face. So say you did something really cool. Cool face is this. Just like playing it down.

Playing so down. Okay, let me think of something cool if I made a really good punchline or something. I'm trying to think of my version of something cool that I would do. Like where I had the best comeback. Okay, so I say, well, maybe it's because your mom thought that just kind of a little like chuckle to myself i was looking to see but honestly i don't even know if you'd have the chuckle face because i would just go that was pretty fucking good right like i want yes i i feel like in in order to not be k I'm always trying to like not – I think it's – yeah, cool face is Kuh because you're actively trying to not be authentic.

What you really want to do is go like, fuck yeah! Suck it! Yes. I love emotion in sports. Yes. People like – oh, man. Did you see that guy against Ben Stiller? He seemed so calm under pressure.

What's that? That tennis guy? No, what do you do? Oh, my God. Let me just play this really quick. Sorry. No. Let's cue up this really quick. Sorry. No, let's cue up the next Fanthrax.

Also, it just goes back to like when someone goes, oh, he's so calm under pressure. That's the same thing as someone getting very excited. Ah, yes. It's like when I met with the therapist and I was like, I'm lazy. She's like, that's a choice. That's a choice just as much as doing something is. So if someone's real cool under pressure, that's their choice, just like the person that's a choice. That's a choice just as much as doing something is. So if someone's real cool under pressure, that's their choice, just like the person that's very excited, if that makes sense.

That does make sense. Yeah. Okay, Noah, next one. All right, next voicemail comes from Anna. Quickie. I took a photo in my mirror in my underwear to send to my boyfriend, and it's a live photo and all you hear in the background if you click on the live photo is Nikki saying and he's teeing up so my boyfriend

listened to it and responded with are you listening to golf so good job Nikki oh my god oh yeah when I was doing the golf impression yeah and he's teeing up uh it's a beautiful day here in Augusta. The wind is coming in at nine miles per hour off the eastern seaboard. We are going to land at... Oh, no, I'm just doing a pilot. You're doing a pilot flying over Augusta. That makes me feel so fucking good. Like, I... That really...

Thank you for that. Live photos can get you... Everybody, if you send a nude or you're sending something, make sure... Watch out, y' make sure a live photo, if they hold down the button, they could see things before it. I did that. I blocked out my penis when I sent it to my brother. And you click on the live photo.

Oh, my God. And the box disappeared. And his wife saw my dick. But you didn't mean to send your penis, though, right? I meant to send my body with my penis covered. You said I sent my penis to my brother and he saw my penis.'t mean to send your penis though right i meant to send my body yeah okay you said i sent my penis to my brother and he saw my penis it's like okay well i sent a a body pic yes and the live photo revealed more yeah revealed my okay so this is a tennis player at the time yeah i don't know i sent it to chris and he said that guy's kind of a dick yes he is

okay so this is ben stiller said something in the stands. I don't know what it was. He was probably just like being supportive and then, you know, he probably was like, oh, Ben Stiller thinks he's cool. And this is what he said. Are you good at tennis? Exactly. So why are you speaking? Do I tell him how to act?

No. And then it cuts to Ben Stiller looking so awkward. I doubt Ben Stiller said anything shitty. Yeah, I'd be surprised if Ben Stiller was... Are you good at tennis? Yeah, that's what I thought. He picked Ben Stiller. He knew that's the one guy that makes more money than him.

Let's go after him. You can tell he's got a chip on his shoulder. Oh, yeah. Guarante guaranteed he was not winning that match at that moment that's the guy that pulls cool face too by the way okay okay next is fanthrax okay this will have to be the last one because of time yes all right uh this one i don't know if we should say her name maybe yes maybe no oh okay hi nikki andrew noah uh i am a police officer and i just had an incident that made me laugh out loud and think of you guys so i just arrested somebody for a

driving offense and as i'm doing my notes here i was just noting that um the vehicle had several occupants in it and i was just laughing because of the several discussion and how different we see the word several compared to Andrew. And I say we as in the entire world versus Andrew's version of several. I love you. Sorry if I'm rambling. It's like 340 in the morning and I'm very tired. But I just wanted to let you guys know that every time I hear the word several I laugh out loud. Don't be

cuh and Jackrabbit. Ooh, Jackrabbit. Wait a second. Is it weird that I feel so cool that we have a female cop who listens to our show? Like, cooler than if any like, I'm sorry to Ellen. I'm sorry to, who was the other person? Anna.

Anna. But I don't know what you guys do for a living, but a cop on the night beat listening to our show and having a little giggle. I'm so intimidated by female cops. Yeah, there's something really funny about a cop listening to us complain about these little things. Meanwhile, she has to go tackle a murderer. Okay.

Honestly. It's funny to go from Honestly, I know cops are normal people and have normal lives, but to me, that is so... I'm so tickled. I put them on a pedestal. Can you be a little bit cooler of a face? Because it's kind of... I mean, it's not a big deal

that the cops listen to our show. It's whatever, dude. I mean, I think that a lot of people that do things that I could never do, people climbing 14ers are listening to the show all the time whatever um no i really want to institute a segment on the show i'm gonna put it out there so that it has to happen where we interview someone who has a job that we like all know people have these jobs i want to do this was originally a part of the pitch of the show that i wanted to do where it's we interview i want to interview that cop and ask her about what it's like to be a cop

she sounds like a just like us you know like i was yeah let's reach out to her i want it let's talk about maybe some other jobs that if you have these jobs or you have an interesting job talk to a starbucks person starbucks is i'm dying for someone who's worked at a starbucks for more than uh a year you know i want i want someone who's like a you know who'm dying for someone who's worked at a Starbucks for more than a year. You know, I want someone who's like a, you know, who's been in it,

who's been a patina. I would like to talk to, God, maybe someone who worked at like a geek squad, someone who like goes in someone's computers, the weirdest stuff you've found. I want to talk to a detective. Maybe someone who works at an Amazon fulfillment center.

Like there's thousands of people who work in those and I have never talked to one. I've never met to a detective. Maybe someone who works at an Amazon fulfillment center. There's thousands of people who work in those, and I have never talked to one. I've never met one. Detective. A molestation detective. Someone who, yeah, someone who's been molested that wants to talk about it. Honestly, if you are open to talk about that

and things that maybe you could have, not you could have done differently, but things that your parents maybe could have seen, or maybe you could have not you could have done differently but things that your parents maybe could have seen things that like or maybe you don't maybe you heard the last episode where i was talking about like kids know right away and you didn't know right away and you want to set that straight like i'm open to anything i love it i love it's like i want to talk to cops starbucks employees and if you've been molested i mean i can't deny that these are my interests well what if you happen to work at a Starbucks and been molested?

Well, then two birds. One fucking uncle. Why is it always the uncle? Couldn't it be the aunt? No, it can't, actually. It can be an aunt. Can't aunt? It really, I said this to Chris, too, because this is from the last podcast we did.

But we were both saying, what can we do? What can we do? And I said, it's about messaging it's about education and another thing is sorry don't let your kids around men alone that's i'm sorry to men listening that are like i love kids then fucking write tv shows for kids or make content for kids you do not trust your kids to be alone with men. So I can't hang with my nephews without my brother? Yes, you can because your brother knows you. But you said that as strangers, sometimes people in your inner circle you don't know as well.

It is true, but I would guess that your brother knows you. Your brother, I know, knows you well enough, and I know you well enough that I know that you're not harboring that secret. I would know that about you at this point. I don't know. The middle brother is really cute. And I know you're enough that i know that you're not harboring that secret i would know that about you at this point what i'm saying is really and i know you're like nicky this guy is trusted i'm sure he is i'm just saying listen if one in four guys who are like let's say one in 80 guys that work in child care is a child predator are you gonna take that chance

or are you gonna maybe take the chance of one in thousands of women women just aren't the one and usually a lot of times women who are doing abuse to children sexual abuse are doing it for a man in their life and are a part of like a i think you have an interview now oh i've heard a lot of babysitters i do have an interview with conan people i'm gonna be on inside conan and listen if I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, set me straight. And also send me more. The other night when I asked for If you're a cop, a plumber, or you have a recommendation of a pedophile documentary.

But the other night, I just want to say, I asked on my Instagram for sex crime documentaries. I'm like, please send them my way. Every single one that got sent to me, I've seen. I've seen them all. If you can dig one up I haven't seen I want to hear from you thank you so much for this week of shows sorry I talked so much about molestation I don't know

what's wrong with me I probably was molested at an age that I don't remember who knows we'll dig it up in my family constellation also don't be cut out there don't make a cool face and Jack be nimble Jack be quick John Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show,

which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend John Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.