The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #205 Salmon Shirt

Episode Date: April 19, 2022

The pod merch is reaching Besties and we're all very happy about it! Nikki and Andrew are separated because Andrew has the C word and had to deal with it on his birthday. Despite that he is in good spirits and so is Nikki for having to cancel her trip to Los Angeles as a result. Nikki had the weirdest three hours of her life last night. You Heard It Here First, a lawsuit that Andrew might win and the ups and downs of working with your lover. Just when you thought things couldn't get weirder, Nikki shares her Reddit saves.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki.

Hello, here I am. It's Nikki Glaser. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Good, um, good week. Good, um, podcast. Good week. Welcome to the week. I was going to say good morrow, and then I was going to say good Monday. It's Tuesday.

Welcome to the show. We did not have a show yesterday. Andrew and I are both different versions of sick. I'm loving it. Never get sick. I really embraced it. I'm already better, and I'm kind of annoyed by it um andrew is in his apartment we're keeping distance just because we don't know what each of us might or might not have um and we got shows this weekend but uh yeah we're doing the pod

sorry we missed yesterday um noah is in arizona she is wearing a Bestie hat. That is so cute. People got their merch yesterday. I was getting so many messages from Besties. So cute. You guys are getting yours on Thursday. I'm so excited. Well, I hope it gets there before. I probably won't get there before I leave town.

But we're going to New Orleans on Thursday. And then Jacksonville Friday. Fort Lauderdale Saturday, Nashville Sunday. Nashville. It's not the other way around? Okay, maybe it's Fort Lauderdale, Jacksonville. Wouldn't that make more sense? Well, I don't know the topography of Florida.

You think I know where Fort Lauderdale and Jacksonville are? No offense to anyone. You just found out St. Louis was where it is and you've been living here. Dude, Florida's such an easier state than St. Louis. They're all squares out here. No, it's not a square. It has a little boot heel. It has a little chunky boot heel that you would wear a little pair of flare jeans with. It would be so cute.

I love that little boot heel. People are probably like, dude, Missouri's just like Italy with the boot. Oh, yeah. Italy's like a stiletto. I wonder if someone's made – I bet you anything there have been stilettos made that are the shape of Italy that have all the craggly – do you know what I'm saying? That's how it all started. Yeah.

It was in Rome. You look good. 1847. For me? 1842 and Coco Paz. Yeah, it was my birthday, and i didn't do anything absolutely nothing and honestly i don't you went in the car and got cpk we saw that with your you took your cat in the car which is hilarious dude a cat in the car i was talking to noah about this is people don't expect it's

like seeing a lizard in the car like people don't expect to see a cat in the car it was cute like so we pulled up on these two people you just don't want it to destroy your house when you're gone or you just like wanted to still be with it just be with it and it's just like our cat is like a dog in a way you take him on an adventure yeah he was kind of freaking out i mean imagine if you're an animal in a car going 80 on the highway. And, you know, no matter what animal you are. Dogs love it for some reason. Dogs can embrace it.

They just get it. Buzzy loves it. My cat loves it. Buzzy loves the passing. He's a good car cat. Aw, car cat. What's your cat's name again? Mango or Nacho?

Fuck. I'm really sorry. I'm not playing dumb. Hold on. Let me try to get it. That was an off-camera ham trip. Wait a second. Hold on.

I know your cat. Cosmo. No. Is it Mango? Have I said it yet? Mango. Yes. Okay.

That's the thing that Kirsten's allergic to. That's how I'll remember it. Yeah. Mango is his name. Well, I just memorized another cat's name when i did beat bobby flay and his cat's name was nacho and i had to like create a mnemonic device to remember that and so a new cat within a week of me memorizing that name that's why i'm effing it up and i haven't met met it yet yeah i mean no it's tough two cats it's a yeah

no nikki's never coming to my apartment She's waiting for it to be perfectly ready. No, I've been in your apartment. I love your apartment. I know. I haven't been in town, really. And now you have a disease. Is COVID a disease? I don't know.

I mean, all I know is that COVID, I have high blood pressure. Remember I told you about that years ago and I was trying to get it down I I haven't it's funny when a doctor asks you and you haven't gone on an like you find out you have high blood pressure I never really went back and like worked on it to realize like has it gone down I'm just impressed that you even got that diagnosis like I just yeah I'm just i'm i'm impressed with you like you you got covid we we both got exposed to covid uh friday night we were like in the tiniest we were like in a covid yeah um it was it would be like what you put people in to give them covid so you can study them we were in that room with natasha and mosha at uh moon tower in Austin, a little tiny green room at the Paramount

Theater, which was the best theater I've ever performed in, in terms of like comedy acoustics and just the people. But it was worth it. I loved hanging out with them. And then the next, it was so funny because we were talking about how Natasha's like, know i i i haven't gotten covet yet i i literally do nothing i don't do anything i just didn't want to get it and she she wasn't hoity-toity about it that's just how she talks but she was like no nikki i literally do nothing and um there's a picture of us that and she actually took a picture of me at one point and she sent it to me later and she goes this was mid-transish uh transmission mid-transmish but the next day you know we get the call from i get a call from moshe we're pulling into wherever and he's like natasha has covid and i'm just like oh like we didn't even care

i mean it's just you know we've we're vaxxed we're boosted we've traveled so much we've definitely been in contact with people with covid the irony is everyone's getting it and the airlines just lifted the mask mandate oh did you hear that everyone on planes like the the you know they're getting over the thing and they're going well masks are now optional starting now and people like are throwing them off and cheering like i'm reading reading i'm redditing uh i'm reading on reddit all about it um but you tested popo yeah i tested popo sunday um i was feeling a little under weather and then sunday night i was really fucked up so then um our showrunner ailey from micaser, welcome home. Come watch it on May 1st. That's not the name of the show at all.

You want to try again? I just felt rushed. I don't know why. Welcome home, Nikki Glaser. That sounds like there's an exclamation point. Yeah, there is. It's just like it's drunk. Look, I still think it should be analized.

Nikki Glaser, come on down now. You did pitch that and it got to the higher ups and it got shot down. So Ailey saw that you posted that you had COVID and she wrote you. Yeah. And she's like, look, I thought I was out of. The weird thing about COVID is you can be like, fine, you think. And then a day later, it's like, no, I'm still in you, bitch. You know, I'm still here. here yeah that's what so she got a doctor uh paxlovid is a drug an antiviral drug that's like the covid drug it's the covid drug but you have to take it within like 36 hours

of getting symptoms like right away okay and then so i she's like i'll have my doctor call you and i was like okay like i never would have done this it's so nice so nice she's such like a mama bear like oh she's looking found like a pharmacy that has it like it was extreme it was extremely nice god damn you she's the best that's the person that was in charge of putting my family and friends on a reality show like that's who you want in charge who's not gonna take advantage go on so the doctor's like i'm at universal with my kids after i get out of there i'll i'm like i probably got him out of there quicker i'm sure he wasn't loving it but he called me right and he's yeah he's like oh i'd love to stay here but i gotta help this random guy i've never met um he called me he's like didn't when you talk to a doctor you can feel as sick as you can but once you talk to a doctor like you're like

i'm not gonna die anymore i don't know what it is about a soothing voice of a physician and i think you know my dad always talked about like bedside manner um you know when you blow your patient no but like i don't i don't know what but 90% of being a doctor is making people feel okay with whatever's going on with it. Which is ironic because a lot of times doctors, it is so important, but a lot of times doctors have terrible bedside manner. Yeah. Bedside manner sounds like a subdivision that you try to buy your parents into when they're ready to, when you're ready to say goodbye.

Mom, dad, I got you a condo at Bedside Manor. And it's going to be the last gate you pass through before the pearly ones. Don't act like your parents are going to heaven over there. Oh, they for sure are. Wait a second. I like that. So you grew up hearing about this elusive Bedside Manor. Your dad talking about how it's

important but you're right like there is something very soothing about a doctor just but so much so often as women we read about and and also you hear about uh black people like don't have their pain taken seriously because there's like a doctors tend to think you know there's been studies of it of black people don't can like are can take more pain than white people and so there's not as much empathy for them and they that's why a lot of black women die in childbirth because their pain is not taken seriously like they have way more they have a higher death rate during childbirth than than white women and then also women women in general are kind of treated like, oh, you're hysterical.

Like we're always like crampy and bampy and I'm a little coldy-boaty baby boo-boo. And so I think that when we actually, like our pain isn't taken seriously, but it's so soothing when, like when I had a UTI and I just emailed my doctor who I haven't seen in fucking forever because she's in la the second time i emailed for her for med she goes you gotta kind

of come in and see me you know like i gotta make some money for this but she was so nice to be like just i love you just writing like my vagina's falling off again honestly you gotta you got i gotta see you in person lady like she She just was like, this is normal. I was like, I've never gotten them in my life. I feel like I have to shit out of my vagina constantly and it won't come out. I described everything. I was on the way to Six Flags.

What's your email subject on that? UTI help, SOS, all caps, possibly COVID. But yeah, it does feel good. But your doctor said that COVID loves high blood pressure. Yeah, and he's like, so do you have high blood pressure? I don't like COVID being personified. Like COVID goes like, I can't wait. Yeah, yeah.

I just picture COVID drooling and being like, I don't like it. Yeah, I can see being like, I don't like it. Yeah, I can see that too. I don't like it. Just a horny little boy being like, look at all that blood. Oh, it's high. Yeah, that's what it was like.

And so apparently if you have high blood pressure, you get into your cells easier, apparently. So did that freak you out? Were you worried about dying from covid at any point were you that sick because i kept checking in on you and i was like because you were like i feel like hell and i didn't know i didn't i'm always curious about how people feel because i want to know like what does it because i not bragging i rarely get sick so i don't understand what when people are like i'm so sick i just want

to know like what's the feeling like what it i don't know i just think more than anything it's brain frog it's deliriousness it's like feeling like you can't connect with your own body with your own mind well brain frog is how you describe brain fog when you have brain fog i didn't say frog did i you had a little bit of a thing. Yeah, there was something. Hippity hop. Oh, was there a jump in my throat? A hop in my skip? Wait, what did I get? Toad. So your birthday, the celebrations were,

I know you were going to go out to dinner. You were going to get maybe a facial. You were going to probably, like you were just going to have a nice evening. You were getting back from tour. It was going to be like a nice, calm, you're probably going to have a nice evening. You were getting back from tour. It was going to be like a nice, calm. You're probably going to play some golf. But that didn't happen.

But it's a birthday you'll remember at least. That's what I said yesterday. I was telling Brenna, I was like, I know this kind of sucks that I couldn't really do any of that shit. But you know me. I'm pretty fucking simple. I was very happy with like not doing anything and and i will remember i will i and yeah i you know but going back to a doctor

with a high blood pressure when when a doctor asks you like you know what meds are you on do you have any medical history for some reason whenever a doctor asked me if i have medical history you know when you're going through uh the line at the airport and and you think you have coke in your bag because you were in vegas or whatever like yeah you think you did something wrong yeah so when they're like what's your medical history like do you have any negative and i'm like uh yeah i think i had cancer last year like in my mind i'm like thinking about i don't know like i almost have to prove him that i do have like yeah you're almost like because you feel like you'd be lying if you said no yeah yeah or like how many drinks do you have a week you know that line you're like three last week but before then zero for three years

pretty much you know he's like that's what did it that's what how funny was it this weekend when there was a guy there was this chef that came in and like made us a whole meal in um oh god justin box it was in uh dallas and he made us this whole vegan uh four three course meal it was beautiful and he was talking about being sober and 13 years and anya's like oh i have um 11 years and i was like oh I have 10 years and Andrew's like I have nine days what was it it was so funny I think I have five days it was such a good moment because I

wasn't even thinking about it we were just going around just like kind of saying our and I don't even count like I haven't been sober for 10 I've been sober from alcohol for 10 years but that was just it made me laugh so hard. Oh, it's just so funny whenever someone's like, it's all about the streak, baby. That streak.

Yeah, but I will say we talked shit about the streak before, and I'm not responding to anything I got feedback on. But I think that a lot of times that streak is something that keeps severe addicts sober. And so I like it for them like being able to say years like that's a big deal for some people who have had their lives like in the fucking gutter to say 13 years whatever like for me i don't i like to lose track of streaks because i get obsessive about them but um you know what and even if alcoholics are obsessive about the streak it's better that than being obsessed with alcohol. But I do agree with you that, you know,

streaks are what I said on the podcast before. They are what tech companies use to psychologically get us addicted to their things. They know we love a streak. So that, so try to fight streaks as much as you can in life and be easy with yourself to go, okay, I can skip a gym day.

I don't need to go, Oh, I've done the gym nine days in a row. Like take moderation, let yourself. And that's why I said to Andrew, like, okay, so you had three years and now you drank two nights in a row. You can go back to just not drinking or you can go like, just be easy.

Because if you feel defeated, if you feel what leads to addictive behavior and abusing substances is the feeling we have towards ourselves it's doesn't it's not about the drink it's not about the food it's about feeling bad and needing to anesthetize that feeling so when you fuck up your streak don't punish yourself be like okay well i did it well go but like just be gentle i have a hilarious thing to tell you about that i don't even know that i'm ready to tell you guys about oh you gotta tell you can't come back from yes you got it okay it's so insane and i'm really worried about even talking about it because it's just it's the weirdest thing maybe

that's ever happened to me and I'm not joking so more than shins it was last night more than shins what shit oh I thought you said shins when I gave that guy a shin job um because I didn't want to touch his penis I gotta bring that joke back in my act that was really good um no

it is weirder than shins what I did last night alright we'll hear about that when we get back right after this. Andrew! Come on now. No, you're not. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, welcome back to the show. All right, I think I'm ready to divulge what happened. I'm just in the mood for it.

I was going to say I wasn't going to do it. You could not guess if you tried. You could not guess. Okay, I'll give you a guess. Okay, it is inspired from, it happened because of Whitney Cummings. Okay, it happened because of Whitney Cummings. Okay. It happened because of Whitney Cummings. Yeah.

This would not have happened in my life had Whitney Cummings not gifted me this. Does it have to do with the family constellation? Yes. Whoa. Okay. I'm excited to hear this. I have to, so did I tell you about this on the podcast? Yes. Okay.

You talked about what it was. Yes. Which, by the way, I don't about what it was yes i which by the way i don't i don't know what it is to this day so i talked to this woman you guys if you didn't hear i talked to this woman the other day to have like a preliminary talk about what this would be i found out during the talk i knew nothing about it whitney was just like oh in my past i learned that i was scared of horse carriages because in my past my you know great great grandfather like had something to do with horse carriages or something like that.

So she's like, so I call this woman. She's talking to me about my fears. And I'm like, how does this work? And I kind of glean that it's like a psychic thing, which I am only now really open to it. Like it may be thinking psychics have some sort of actual ability, which I believe mostly that they're full of shit. I only believe psychics are real because

of Tyler Henry and his Netflix show it's made me believe and like people are intuitive I don't think he is like a charlatan who is trying to like get famous from this thing it just it would be too weird it would be too out of character for him um so I talked to this woman the other day for about an hour she talked to me me about my fears. I said I have fears of perfectionism. I have fears of, you know, streaks. I have fears of being unloved. I have fears of, you know, I just talked about all my stuff. And it was actually pretty hard for me to come up with stuff because I feel so accepting of these things.

I really don't feel like I need to fix anything in my life. Like I have tools to fix the things. I have a recovery program. I already like, I'm not saying I'm fixed because I love that things keep bubbling up because it makes me, you know, who I am and it makes challenges in my life

and it makes me do weird, kooky things. But I just don't need another thing to fix things you know and i felt like this was a little bit it had some 12-step stuff in it it had some therapy type stuff but then she started talking about you know she started just reading through the phone like something happened to you when you're four and a half your your parents put some kind of punishment on you like and she i thought she was giving an example of what our work would look like because this was preliminary I thought she was because I was like how does this work and she goes okay well you know and she's talking me through it and she goes

so let me just see it happened to you let's go by years one two three four four okay is it four no it's five no it's four and a half something up and I go this is an example or is this what you're feeling she's like no something happened at four and a half I'm like okay I don't really even know what that would be um I blacked out everything at four and a half so clearly nothing happened um that's a joke but so three quarters last night I have my session with her I was supposed to be in LA but like we talked about in the first part of the show I thought I was getting sick around the time Andrew was getting sick. A lot of stuff happened. I was headed to the airport to go to LA yesterday

or on, sorry, Sunday morning. I was supposed to be in LA all week. Andrew texts me. He goes back to St. Louis much earlier than me. I'm in the middle of the day. I'm late for my flight. My bags are not gonna be checked. So I'm trying to get on a later flight to LA.

As I'm doing that, I'm texting Jen, my assistant, trying to figure it out. Andrew texts me, I tested positive for COVID. And I'm like, yes, because I just did not feel like going to LA. I just wanted to go back home. And I was already feeling kind of sick. And I was like, you know what? I just want to go home anyway. I'm missing home, missing my dog,

even though I don't have my fucking dog. So I write Jen, screw finding this later flight to LA. Let's go to St. Louis. So then I go to St. Louis. And I was supposed to be in LA having the session with this woman last night, Monday night. We're supposed to go from seven and she said it's two hours long. So last night I get on, she moves it slightly.

So it's 7.30 my time. 7.30 my time I get on with her on Zoom. And I really am still unclear about what I'm doing. I don't know what this is at all. And she's kind of talking to me about, she goes, well, you know, a lot of people think humans are, humans have been around for billions of years. And I was just like, and she goes, a lot of people think we did not derive, we did not evolve from monkeys, from apes. And I go, I'm really going to have a hard time with that

because that's like, I'm very indoctrinated. Like my whole belief system is evolution. And I have like science to support it. And I just believe in that. And she goes, I did too for 45 years. But it's actually Yahweh was the great creator. He created humans. Humans are the royal species. It was about like humans being royal. Aliens have studied us. It was a lot right away. away and i go doesn't this take weeks months years to get someone on board with these kinds of concepts like it was just like introductory like okay so humans

have been around for billions of years um and we are all on this this this work is on a quantum level which means what she does with family constellation is she taps into, she's intuitive. She believes that all humans are intuitive and we do not tap into our intuitive powers. And so she teaches me, doesn't even teach me. She just asked me questions and I have to just intuit the feeling. And what we do is we go back and repair family ancestral history of, you know, we have billions, we have millions of like thousands, millions, whatever it is of ancestors. is we go back and repair family ancestral history of,

you know, we have billions, we have millions of like thousands, millions, whatever it is, of ancestors. Can you remember any of the questions that she asked? Yes, it's about to get fucking weird. Believe you me, it's about to get weird. So I have no idea what this work is. So I'm sitting there, this probably takes 30 minutes. She's talking about how we go back and repair

different examples of like how this is helped. Her brother does this work too. So I'm sitting there. This probably takes 30 minutes. She's talking about how we go back and repair. Different examples of like how this has helped. Her brother does this work too. I'm really just kind of going along with it. Because Whitney said whether or not it does anything for you. Believe in it. It's just a good story. She was right.

So I'm trying to actually believe it. You know I'm trying to just like wrap my head around. What would it be like to just surrender to this is true. You know, like instead of me being a skeptic the whole time, just like enjoy it. So I'm on board. I'm like, just be a fucking believer in this. So then we start doing the work, which is so we go back. She takes on. She's like, your yellow shirt.

I'm red shirt. She's wearing a red shirt. I'm wearing a yellow Lululemon shirt. And she's's like your yellow shirt i'm red shirt she's wearing a red shirt i'm wearing a yellow uh little lemon shirt and she's like your yellow shirt now we are going to take on the roles of different ancestors from your past i don't know who these people are they're just going to come through let's set an intention let's set energy out there and so we take a second and then she's like okay i'm i'm red shirt, and I'm going to, so she interacts with me, and this is all stuff I've gleaned, because it's very confusing, I'm just

going, she doesn't explain it well enough, I have to say, if I could give her some notes, I just, I don't know anything about this, all of a sudden, she's like, okay, you're red, yellow shirt, I'm red shirt, okay, I'm red shirt, all right, oh, oh, I don't want to even look at you I can't even look at you no no no no I'm not I'm looking over here I'm not looking at you I do not like what you did to me and she's and I start going okay I don't I'm trying to like just feel I'm a character now in my past I don't know who I am how am I relating to this red shirt? So red shirt, it turns out, she starts going,

okay, what am I? Who am I? She's talking to like a great spirit or something. I don't even know who she's talking to. The universe. She's like, who am I? She goes, am I, how old am I? Am I a girl?

Yes. Am I a boy? No. Now I always have to double check because sometimes you think it's a girl because you have your own preconceived notions of what a girl is and, and, but I'm feeling, okay, it's a girl. Okay. How old am I? Let's go by, do we go by years? No. Do we go by months? No. Do we go by weeks? Yes. Okay. One, two, two weeks old. Okay. Ah, my neck. Ah, I feel, and I feel someone holding my arms and my neck. I feel, was I shaken? Am I a shaken baby? Yes. Okay. Who is yellow shirt? Who is this to me?

Is this, is this my mother? No. I can't look at you. I can't look at you. Okay, is it my father? No. Okay, yellow shirt, how are you feeling in relation to me? And I'm just like fucking weirded out. I don't know. Like I'm Nikki. Like I am not my great, I don't know who I am. And so I'm just like, okay, what do I feel?

And I'm like, that you're being ridiculous. I didn't know if that was my ancestor coming through or Nikki, you know? So I'm like, I honestly feel like you're exaggerating and like you deserved it or whatever. Like I was just trying to tap into like what I felt from this woman who was like pretending to be a baby that couldn't look at me that was shaken. And she goes, okay, was this a nanny? So it turns out that I am a nanny I am a caregiver that this baby's mother purposely gave over to the caregiver because the mother didn't want the baby

because the baby was born deformed and the mother didn't want it so she purposely put it in the care of someone who was abusive who she knew would shake the baby and i'm the person who shook the baby and so then she starts as the baby saying i release to the universe my victimization because this baby feeling like a victim has permeated my family history back and backwards and forwards and has led to all of this victimization of like all my ancestors feeling like victims any questions so far you guys am i black shirt yes who are you to me black shirt i mean yes i get giving away i yeah beginning i'm not gonna i will try to like make it as short as possible but this is just the beginning so then i as yellow shirt really get into character and i'm like well actually you know what i feel like i feel like i did that baby a favor because life is fucking hard and we figured out this is five generations from me or whatever

you know like we're doing fucking this is acting right so five generations ago was like 18 20 and i'm like honestly life sucks and i did this baby a favor by shaking it because my life is hell I'm like a weird wet nurse and yes Noah is there any way for you to verify this with your family tree so then yes thank you very much so then no there's no way for me to verify that unless I was to do some really deep digging which I haven't I might be inspired to do just to fact check. So then we, so I release the guilt I feel over shaking this baby and the anger I feel at the baby. I release all this stuff. So it's, so on a quantum level, it's supposed to permeate through not only me, but my, you know, poppy, my parents, and like all of this healing will happen in my life now because of that then she takes on so she takes on a bunch of different people we are an hour and 45 minutes

in and i'm looking at the clock being like and i'm tired because this make this drains you because you keep you're taking on these characters you're trying to like really pull your energy i mean it was late at night and i had a long day so maybe that's why i was tired but i was starting to go i was really trying to believe it because why not why sit there skeptically the whole time like i I mean, it was late at night and I had a long day. So maybe that's why I was tired. But I was starting to go. I was really trying to believe it because why not? Why sit there skeptically the whole time? Like I was just like, let's just have fun. And then it gets to two hours and she goes, how are you on time?

And at this point, we're different. We've been different people in my past. And I'm not going to bore you with those. But it was all this stuff. And I go, I'm good. Meaning like this was good for me. I'm done. And she goes, OK, so OK, now I'm white shirt. She takes off her jacket. I'm like, I'm good. Meaning like, this was good for me. I'm done. And she goes, okay, so, okay. Now I'm white shirt.

She takes off her jacket. I'm like, oh no. And she goes, you're gray shirt. And I'm like, oh God, cause I'm wearing like a thing underneath. And I'm like, oh God, here we go again. Then she becomes someone else. She keeps asking like, who is this person?

I can't even, again, I have a great relationship with my mother. You're my father and I hate you. I don't like you. But my mom, oh oh this feels inappropriate how much i love my mom she's just smiling in the corner at mom being like i love you i love and i'm just like and i'm the dad just being like i'm just acting like this and she goes how do you feel in relation to me white shirt and i'm like i feel disgusted like I think it's weird that you're like so close with your mom and then it gets into this whole thing then I turn into my grandpa and then this is where I start going okay so I'm my grandpa no yes I'm a grandpa she is my grandma at one point and like

she's like I'm a pistol because she finds out I go you know they were divorced when my dad was very young she's like I'm a little pistol and he you out. I go, you know, they were divorced when my dad was very young. She's like, I'm a little pistol. And you don't understand me. You can't handle me. And did your grandma leave your grandpa? And I go, yeah. And she goes, you just, you know what?

You didn't give me enough attention. You weren't there for me. You didn't understand me. And I go, he also beat the shit out of her. And she's like, that's the ringing in my ear. i'm getting like someone hit me in my ear and i'm like yeah and he that might be like the guns he like shot off in the house when he was violently drunk and that's why she left and so then it becomes like oh that just shifts yeah that's she's a pistol no there's a pistol next to my head so So it just shifts. And I start to see like the little stuff you give them, what they do with it.

And I do believe this woman believes what she's doing. But I did this for three hours and I'm texting Whitney on the side like, I am role playing as my closeted great, great uncle. And I don't, like, this is the most dramatic, this is the best act. Like we should know right francis ford cobalt yeah yeah i was gonna say at any point by the way at any point were you like she would make a great acting coach at least i'm getting that out of it like is that what your thoughts yeah yeah i was like but is she almost showing does it feel like

she's almost showing how good she is as opposed to like really getting to anything? No, I mean, I believed her, Andrew. It's a weird thing. Like, I believed that she was, I was kind of like looking at her tissue, like, is it actually wet? Is she wiping? Can I see tears? But then I saw tears and she was like, I, you know, I'm an empath and I already like feel

so much, but I, I, so it just, all the stuff started coming out. So I wrote, so part of it was my was i playing my grandpa was watching it was something about my grandpa's family and like he was very close with his mother his dad was jealous of them or whatever and so i wrote my dad being like what was your relationship what was grandpa's relationship like with his mom and dad and that's where i'm like okay i'll fact check this and my dad goes i don't know and my dad knows everything about his dad about like my dad's obsessed with lineage and he goes i don't know and i was like okay and he goes i have a feeling

that his dad beat him a lot um that's just a feeling i have and i go well i could have told you that because grandpa beat you you know grandpa was abusive and hurt people hurt like you know of course he got beat and my dad just wrote back yep and so i think it was very painful for my dad but this what this does is it does get me into my like exploring like okay i want to fact check this now and it was interesting and it was like it was an experience and whitney and i i don't think i'll go i'll have to limit them to one-hour sessions because this was so – it was three hours until 10.30 at night. I was playing the role of my ancestors.

And it was so weird. Do you ever find yourself – it honestly reminds me of when I think I hear people do sexual weird things where they're like, this guy wanted me to do this thing and I don't know I was just up for it and like we were doing a threesome and I'm like how did you do that that's so scary I felt like that like I felt like I was being a little bit coerced into doing this very weird thing and at one point you just give in and you go okay let me just like see what I can do and I maybe this didn't pay off as much as I alluded to like to it like saying it

was but it truly was the weirdest thing I've ever done because acting like my ancestors when you don't really believe it it was so weird and also it was just on zoom what's the conclusion and also her son's minecraft kept going off on the computer. And so she would be like, I'm just feeling like I'm going to forgive you for being violent and be like, ba-ding, ba-ding, ba-ding. And I would just see her eyes

kind of go to the side and go like, look at the alerts and kind of get frustrated. And I release my resentment and I release my victim. Ba-ding, ba-ding, ba-ding. It's just like, what is my life? And why, how do these fucking spirits

come through on Zoom? How are they getting it to work? How, it's just, it all, I was very much like, I would love Sam Harris to weigh in on this and how much of an eye roll this is. But you know what? You can't learn new things unless you open your mind to actually accepting them and not walking in cynically to everything in life. And so it was a lesson in that.

Yeah. It feels like it's like taking ayahuasca without taking the drug. This was your ability to kind of release and let go and and kind of you know take off that like skeptic brain that we all have yes which is which you can learn a lot about yourself when you do that that being said three hours of that skeptic brain it starts to like for an hour I can let it go for three hours I start texting my friends saying you would not believe what's happening and I did record it on zoom so I could have it for myself she told me to but it's on our work computer and i didn't want to save it because it was a three hour video session but man i wish i could have how did it conclude like how does it end how does it concluded with her going okay at three hours okay she goes

yeah okay now you have another shirt on salmon shirt and i I go, I gotta be honest. I can't do it. I go, I am exhausted and I gotta go. My grandpa says that my grandpa's coming through and he's telling me that I need to watch the next episode of the ultimatum with my boyfriend over the phone. That's what he wants us to do. And I want to release me from the guilt of finishing the session early. Um, so I did watch the ultimatum,

which is amazing. Let's get to the news. You wore too many layers, Nick. That's the funniest the news. You wore too many layers, Nick. That's the funniest part about this. She had on so many shirts. Oh, my God. She's like, I'm nude bra.

And I'm like, oh, God, please keep it on. I'm in her tits. Here's the news. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, boy. It's Tuesday, folks. You know what that means. It is Tuesday.

Hope you're having all the swells out there. And I haven't been because I've been dying from a virus. I'm on a ventilator right now. Just kidding. Everything's fine. All right. I did test negative just now. And I want to say the COVID test that, thank you so much to Brenna.

Shout out. Love you so much. Miss you so much. She gave me one of her tests. Miss you, baby. Kisses. When you do the COVID test, the line shows up either C or T.

And my line showed up a heart. No, no, no, no. C, T. Like, when you're positive, it's C and a T. Show. Oh, it's both. It's both. Oh. Well, I just,. It's both. Oh.

Well, I didn't read the instructions, and I just saw a line on C, and I was like, oh, well, that's COVID. And Andrew goes, no. I sent a picture. I go, mama's got it. And he goes, no, you don't. It's just C. I'm like, what?

So I don't have COVID. I just have a cold from my boyfriend who gave me a cold. But COVID's out there, even though no one's wearing masks anymore. People are, it's surgeon, surgeon general. Let's get to the first news story. All right, a man wins a $450,000 lawsuit

after his coworkers threw him an office birthday party against his wishes that triggered a panic attack. I heard about this, and I did not click on the article because i just go what i i had a feeling i would hear about it on here so you're telling me the medical and the suffering that he endured because of having a panic attack because of all the tension on him from the surprise little cake situation that's what he wants compensation for it's it's a little bit more. That's what he wants compensation for. It's a little bit more complicated than that because he ultimately got fired.

What did he do during this panic attack that got him fired? So they threw him an office birthday party and he had to go to his car because he had to go through all the coping mechanisms. He had to be on his own and um his managers were like confused and they said that he stole his co-workers joy um they then later on called him into the office which triggered another panic attack and ultimately they fired him so the lawsuit was 120 grand in lost wages and benefits, 30,000 in future wages,

because the company is like a medical company that profited a lot off of the pandemic. And he was not there for that because they fired him in 2019. Oh, so this is a while ago. In 2019, this happened. Okay. And 300 grand for past, present, and future mental pain and suffering,

mental anguish, embarrassment, humiliation, mortification, and loss of self-esteem. Andrew, you have quite a lawsuit against me if this is going to hold up in court. No, but you know what? This reminds me of me having COVID yesterday where I didn't even have to return phone calls i didn't have to do anything this guy with this birthday these fuckers all made it about them it had nothing to do with him his birthday anymore

to the point where they fired him because he caused them to be sad that he wasn't happy enough with his cake like well we you know there's a of me, though, and I hear what you're saying, and I want to believe that he was wronged, but this guy seems kind of... I don't know. He's trying to get a money grab? No, I mean, I feel like this guy... Dramatic?

Dramatic. This kind of... And I don't know the situation because I would hate to be this guy and hear some two people on a podcast you know saying what they think because they don't know anything but this is sorting sort of sounding like you know i went to a comedy show and like i suffered because she brought up this word and like i can't listen like it reminds me of the girl in high school that wanted attention because this boy that she barely even dated broke up with her.

And she wanted attention from everyone at the party. So when Eric Clapton's, you know, she go to a party. That song came on Wonderful Tonight. She started crying being like, I can't turn it off. Like it reminds me of Rick, please. And it's just like there's a little bit of that but also I do understand like some people make birthdays about them and like give too much I mean that is the classic thing so I can't decide I just think that when people get this litigious it's just a little suspect

but I also it could be the McDonald's burning thing where we just go oh did you get burned and it's like yeah her fucking skin burned off to the bone she maybe deserves four million dollars i mean part of me thinks that like that makes billions if you're a better employee on the case okay a 12 person jury so 12 you know 12 people had to listen to everything and decide that it was and And he got it. Yeah. Oh, well, you know what? Good.

Well then I trust. I mean, I like to say I trust juries, but, um, you know, Simpson. It is interesting that like how good of an employee,

like if, if he was very important to the company, one panic attack, temper tantrum, is that going to cause me to fire him? Probably not. If the boss have you guys ever considered doing a lawsuit no because it's too many forms i'd have to meet an attorney yes i'd have it'd be so you'd have to get daily to do it for you yeah no what can you speak of what it is okay i had i had a lawsuit remember i i talked about the speaker falling on my head? Oh, yeah. My lawyer advised me to take the settlement because once you call in doctors to the podium and all that,

he says suing people costs a lot of money. And are you sure you want to get into this? Right. And that's why Trump constantly can get people silenced because he just sues them and they don't have money to actually fight it. So they just i forgot to say i did i sued my landlord you did and i had to get i had to do a like no bullshit

it's like the most work i've ever done in regards to getting shit together talking to all six of my roommates yeah i remember that was being so impressed by that and it was um what's it called when the lawyer does it for free because they make so much money yeah pro bono because they felt so bad about and they love you too um so we did all of this and they're like yeah you guarantee you have a case blah blah we didn't win like and it took like three years to find out if we'd win or not and i stayed in the apartment probably a year longer than i probably would have. Cause I was like, Oh,

I'm just accumulating more money. Interesting. Whatever. No, no. So I did all that. Did you feel like it was, was it a good amount of money?

Was it decent? Or were, did you go back for more? You give 30% of it to your lawyer and then the rest of it is taxed. And then you're left with like nothing. That's the thing is like I, whenever, I mean, that's what I do. What's that's the math I do. and then the rest of it is taxed and then you're left with like nothing. That's the thing is like I, whenever,

I mean, that's what I do. What's, that's the math I do whenever I get a, a job, you know, like I, there was something I recently,

my, my business manager wrote me recently about I'm paying taxes. I do it like quarterly, I guess. And the amount of money, I don't even want to know. It's not mine. Like, you know, when I get a gig, I take away three fourths of it. And that is probably what I can say I walk away with after all is said and done. Really. I mean,

I think that it would be nice almost, you know, it's almost like when you go to Walgreens and I remember as a kid being like, why don't they just put the tax on it? Because I get it, tax changes, but like you always get this new higher amount. I just want to know what I have, like I just want to know,

like I don't want to see what I would have made and what they take out. Just take it out and then give it to me because it feels like it was mine then when it was never mine. And also, you know, there's been this TikTok going around that I love and different people kind of say the same thing. But how we live in a country where they we have to pay taxes, obviously, but we have to figure out what we have to pay. And they could really and then they come after us for like, actually, you owe this.

And it's like, if you fucking know, then just tell me. Don't make me figure it out but the reason they do that is because turbo tax and these companies intuit they lobby congress to make it so that they can exist they don't need to exist they pay congress to make to make it so that this is the system that we have to go through them. We have to turbo tax things and pay them to do our taxes. They don't need to exist because the IRS knows how much we owe. They come after us for it eventually. It's just so weird. It's also way harder if you have a job like we have where you can make money from 19 different things.

Yes. And so do entrepreneurs or people starting their own business it almost it's so much easier to pay taxes when you just have a normal nine to five yes like regular pay oh i mean take it out already i could not i didn't i i had to have my dad do it before i got my own businessman i don't know how people do it i'm just so like in awe usually with an accountant i don't know how people do it on their own but they do turbo attacks or they you know are smart enough to figure it out or they get you know someone but it's or they just don't do it and then they're fucked later on down the road i want to say that i almost did a lawsuit um or i looked into it when i found that cap in my vagina that

i thought yeah that that was from a yeast infection thing that i i didn't even remember doing it but this cap was in my vagina for years possibly and i looked into i like wrote lawyers about it being like wait how long do you really think this cap was in there a year a year and i had infections from like it was a cap from a monostat thing. It was a blue cap that I found, that my boyfriend, my first boyfriend found in my vagina the same day that Sully Sullenberger landed in the Hudson.

He was fingering me and goes, what's that? I felt it on my dick so much. I always feel this screaming on my dick. Yeah. And he said, you know, get your flotation device.

Yeah. No, he said, and then he reached his fingers up and pulled out this cap and i was like i don't know what the fuck this is it was my first boyfriend i was so nervous about like this guy finding this weird thing inside me we were at a hotel that i got for us because we both lived with our parents and couldn't like hook up and um i you know there's this whole story around it but i finally find out that this cap that i can can't identify is from a monostat thing because there was this other girl that had it too. And she found one in her vagina.

There's a bunch of girls that I found online. Not a bunch, two. One of them thought it was aliens put it in. I stopped talking to her right away. Then the other one was like, no, it's a monostat cap. And I was like, oh, fuck. Because I wrote my, you know, I wrote lawyers. I wrote my gynecologist being like, is anything like this like in your office? Did you leave something in me? Like, I didn't remember using it. And and then I found out it was this monistat cap. So I wrote my lawyer being like, can we do like what's what do we have? And then I realized I'm just a broke person looking to make some money off of this unfortunate thing. Like, I opportunity i wasn't really you know i had some

mental anguish because my boyfriend found a cap in me and it was embarrassing is that financially is i'm probably gonna make money off of this story and like the trauma that that gave me like it just felt it felt like me because people were like nick you gotta sue and i was like okay i mean i'm broke at the time i'm like let me look into it and i was just to sue. And I was like, okay. I mean, I'm broke at the time. I'm like, let me look into it. And I was just like, in the end, I was like, no, this would be a lie to act like it was really mental distress. So that's the end of that. Did you feel like, how did you, first of all, how did you get the cap? Like, did you, how did it stay in you, you think?

Like, do you think you had a case? I think that you, yeah, it was like, I just didn't read the instructions right. You know, and that could be like, they didn't make the instructions clear enough. Because there were three girls I found online who also had the same thing. And this, like, Well, you also thought C meant COVID. So there's a trend. I know, that's the problem.

I thought it meant cap. I'm like, there's another one in there. Fuck. There's one in my nose. Swap it out. All right. We gotta go. We'll come back with Why Do I Care. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears

with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed?

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Alright, why do I care? Why do I care? Joe Alwyn reveals if he'll write more songs for his girlfriend Taylor Swift

under his pseudonym William Bowery. Does, is he, of course he will. He loves, he loved it so uh in an interview with l he responded it's not a plan of mine no okay they are so private these two they do a really good job they don't talk about anything there was this headline boyfriend oh dude she's been with him for i think five or six years now they're serious i mean people speculate that they're already married and stuff but he um yeah she she had attributed songwriting credits to this william bowery and no one could no one knew who that was and it turns out that

william i believe is his maybe his middle name or something and then bowery is the bowery hotel is where they first met fans have discovered so that's like was his thing and um and she talks about on the Long Pond Sessions like uh having written with him and he um yeah he's musical and so they wrote I think Betty together I think he wrote like he had the melody for Betty going um in a couple songs off Folklore and Evermore and um yeah it's uh it's interesting because there was an article this weekend the headline that said you know joseph alwyn says um he doesn't want to keep his relationship secret uh and it was that was the headline and i was like he would never say that like their their relationship is more secret than any hollywood relationship like you do not see

footage of them unless she is very much into like putting it out there. It is, there is no, they are private as fuck. And she does a good job of it. She knows how much that stuff affects relationships. So I was really shocked to read this article,

but then I read further and all he said was, you know, this, we wouldn't be keeping it secret if it wasn't this way. This isn't what I want. This isn't what I want. It just is the way it has to be. Like he said it in a way that was not,

these articles always do clickbait of like, he doesn't want to do this. She's making him. That's what it made it sound like. It's just so interesting how journalists can manipulate stuff. It would be great if he's like breaking up with her, but he's like, here's six songs I already wrote about myself that I'm sure that you're going to love how shitty they are towards me.

You can just pay my manager. Here's the whole album. I'm sorry I broke your heart, but here's. Would you feel like if Brenna wrote a bunch of songs? Does he get paid for that? Does he get paid for that? Yeah, you want a Grammy. How do you think that goes down, though?

Do you think that the pay scale is like, oh, whatever a writer makes. Do they talk about that, you think, as a couple? I think it's already like there's rules. If you have this kind of credit, it's not up to the artist. It's pretty much set, union, scale stuff. Gotcha. You don't think it was like i guess it wouldn't really affect the relationship but anyhow what were you gonna know

about brennan you've worked if you've worked with chris yes yes i have worked chris has helped you on your specials yes has that i just talked to him about it yesterday um i have begged for him to take money because he's helped me so much. And like, I've paid people, my friends who have like assisted with producing Elna Baker, like helps me on bang. And she helped me like put it together and kind of come up with a theme.

I paid her, you know, on this, like on the side from my own money. And then Chris has helped me with all of my specials producing wise and will not accept money i asked him i sent him a check once when we weren't together because i was just like i don't want him to think i just used him or whatever and i think we kind of had like a

breakup at the end of it um i'm the opposite of taylor swift i say too much but we we yeah we it was the end of i just taped um i just I just taped Bangin actually. And I was, we had become so close during Bangin and I thought, you know what, we're getting back together. He is just amazing. I want to be back together.

And he was like, no, I just, I don't, I'm not ready for that. And I didn't know that this meant that you were, and we just had a misunderstanding and I was like,

okay, fine. And then I sent him a check being like, well then that, you can't even, I'm so hurt that you don't want to be with me that like well then that you can't even I'm so hurt that you don't want to be with me that like all that help you gave me I'm gonna pay you off so that you don't that it it meant nothing to me either you know and I don't think he ever he was like

can I break up with you twice yeah but I love I love working with your I think it's the best thing ever is that you can work with your friends and family. But it does get tricky. All this stuff does get... When there's money involved, it becomes... I want to work with Chris all the time and I want it so that he can just work with me and not have to do other jobs

because he's so good at helping me be better. It's just a thing of like, but I do that anyway. I don't need to get paid. I'm like, but I want you to be more free so you don't have to do other work so you can do me so can i please pay you and then it becomes like i don't want to be on your payroll and i'm like oh but like what's the difference between like a husband and wife like like a husband you know it's just it's different when it's a woman with money and he's not like any kind of sexist old man rules he's just you know wants to respect me and my money and doesn't want

to like he just does things out of love not because of money but I'm like but this is a job and I wouldn't be as good I wouldn't be making as much money without you so it's a it's very it's it's it's interesting I'll figure it out someday. Let's get to Reddit dump. Karaoke mode. This is your Reddit dump. Alrighty. Here we go. It's time for Reddit dump. I love that little giggle you have at the end there.

All right. So I liked this tweet yesterday that I found on the subreddit hole up. H-O-L-U-P. It's like at the hole up is where everything something's fine and funny and then at the end it's like wait what that's hole up this is from um a tweet by k thor jensen it's a screenshot of tweet on reddit my wife just said bukkake in front of the kids to my shock she then admitted that she didn't know what it meant and thought it meant like bullshit or something fake and she said I say it in meetings. I made her Google it and now she's having a panic attack.

It does sound like something in all that Bukkake. Like it doesn't sound like a bunch of people coming on. Is there a word like that though? Possibly. Is she mixing up a word? Because I feel like I've thought that before too before i like found porn and like seen book wait what is bukkake is that like the cartoon okay we're learning that andrew doesn't know what bukkake means so you would hear that not think a sexual thing

no will you tell andrew what bukkake is uh a bukkake is when like a bunch of men just like come on a subject at the same time at the same time oh that's kind of hot okay so yeah so man she was saying that in meetings and i'm sure guys who like knew what she was talking about i wonder how she used it in a sentence at a meeting i believe it was probably like oh that's a bunch of bukkake listen we got to get back to these tps reports you know what i mean like i bet it was just it's like you know that is so if our besties have any examples of when they've used words like that because i think i feel like i've done that before too where i didn't know what the oh i know what i did. I was in college, and I said, I used the word castrated instead of- Casserole?

No, instead of cast out. Like, he was castrated from the community. And she was like, I remember her circling it and being like, look up this word, Nikki. No, it was my AP English teacher in high school, Ms high school miss larson miss larson used to be very she was the one that when the september 11th happened and the right after it got announced the twin towers got hit or the twin tower was one tower i go what's the twin towers and she goes you don't know what the twin towers are she was so like i was just like i don't know um so i remember her being like, look up what this look means. And then I remember in college, my professor circled the world.

I said, and a colored color. And he had so many colored friends, like colorful, I thought. And he circled it and goes, you might not want to use that word. But I thought it meant colorful. So those are my examples. Here's from Ask Reddit. This made me happy to read a bunch of these. What never fails to make you horny? What never fails to make you horny?

Someone said, being wanted. Not just wanting my pussy so you can cum, but wanting me. This one is my newest erogenous zone that I didn't know I had, but I'm so glad some other woman put it. Talking where I can feel his breath on the back of my neck. Yes. Holy moly, I didn't know I had, but I'm so glad some other woman put it. Talking where I can feel his breath on the back of my neck.

Yes. Holy moly, I didn't know that was a thing. Wait, what do you mean by that? Right here, like right... Just whispering around your ear. Take your ear, like behind your lobe, go down two inches. But he's not behind you.

Yes. He is behind you at this point. Or you know, they can be like, they can just walk, but like breathing right there for some reason it is I can't even

I can't even take it it's but wait are you already having sex or are we like in the kitchen and he just rolls up on no this is I think we were just

he was like laying on top of me maybe just like whispering hot things I mean it was already a hot scenario but what it did to me I just was like I can't like it was like I was being tickled

but horniness. It was so good. Someone said a really good tight hug from behind so I can feel his junk up against me, wrapping his arms underneath my breasts and either whispering in my ear or kissing them. When a man puts his hand on the small of my back and draws me in close.

Oh my God. Actual moans, not fake ones or joke ones, LOL, just real ones. When a guy wears short sleeves and does that stretch with their arms behind their head. All right. These are all women. This is supposed to be, you know, men too.

But Andrew, is there anything that you... Oh, someone said, come inside me. When a woman says that. What never fails to make you horny. Andrew's frozen. I think because he just heard the words come inside me. He's coming. You guys need to see his face horny. Andrew's frozen. I think because he just heard the words come inside. He's coming. You guys need to see his face.

I hope that's recorded. It's so funny. He's frozen. Just looks like someone just said, come inside me. And he's like, hi, Andrew.

Welcome back. Oh, Andrew dropped. Well, someone also said a woman in a tank top and jeans. Don't know why, but it does it for me. Is there anything that comes to mind for you, Noah,

as we wait for Andrew to come back? Moaning from men or like any kind of like grunting sounds. Mike the men. Mike the men. Yeah, totally Mike the men situation. All right, Andrew, you're back. Yeah, sorry about that. Just in time for this one is so fucking weird weird it's a little bit of a story so it's story time final thought this one is from

true off my chest oh boy this one's fucked my twin and i had a sexual relationship for years i'm so ashamed this might be the one that makes people horny. Pretty much the title. I've never told anyone this. The twin and I do not have and have not discussed. I don't even remember how or why it started, but we eventually grew out of it. We're both doing fairly well in our respective careers and lead stable lives. We've had a normal sibling relationship for many years now. I don't think about this as often and I'm left feeling really gross and ashamed when I do. Please don't ask for details. I'm only posting because I want the secret to not weigh on me heavily anymore so if anyone wants to ever get a secret off their chest just do an anonymous post on true off my chest no one will ever know so if anyone is curious yes I have been to therapy but I've never broached the subject nor

do I plan to so then they then they update it because people start asking questions so they go so the questions are what are your genders i do not feel comfortable answering this question um am i from alabama while i get that that this isn't just no i am not um someone said this you should bring this up in therapy he goes i have been this person said i've been tempted to but i honestly cannot even get the words out i have never actually voiced this even to myself i don't think the aftermath would be worth the potential relief of having told a professional um someone said fake post he says i mean well you're welcome to leave that but it is not i honestly wish it was though someone said you're disgusting sick and he says i think so too really appreciate all of you sharing

your stories and some of the studies behind this i feel less alone and a little relieved um so i read into this and apparently this is a very common thing that happens between twins, is that they have weird sexual stuff happen between them. Have you guys ever heard of anything like this? Well, is there a story in detail here? No, they don't go into detail. They just wanted to get it off their chest. Me and my twin have hooked up. There is something about when you carry something like that being able to take it somewhere and I feel

like you know getting back to my favorite subject molesters if you're having those thoughts early on and you've not acted on them there's nowhere for you to go and say I'm you know this is what I'm dealing with and I think that not just that secret but like any secrets that carry, there are certain ones that you can't share with anyone like this. Right. But I'm glad that this person had that place to go. Yeah. I had a guy write in. I asked for stories on puddles or whatever.

And the guy wrote in and said that he didn't him and his sister were fighting when they were kids. So he would constantly kill her beta fish like for years. And like just needed to get it off his chest. And I was like, I mean, it felt weird. Wow. I could go to you. I mean, I guess it felt pretty good. Like I'm a priest or something where I'm not going to judge him.

But he's like, yeah, thanks, man. I needed that. And I was like, you're welcome i think uh i mean is that you know how serial killers start out torturing little animals yeah i mean and betta fish usually die in like three days anyways so it's like yeah it's a good animal that lived for two years seriously yeah it Sounds like an alpha to me. But that's so weird. You guys are trying to find it. Last night I was on Reddit and I didn't save it but someone had said

maybe on the same subreddit, I forget, that she just found out her parents were twins. And she said that her parents... Wait, what? Oh. Yeah. This girl on Reddit said anonymously my i just found out my parents twins she's 37 she was driving her parent her mom her mom just her dad died like a year ago tragically in a car accident her her mom tried to kill herself was in a psychiatric hospital as

soon as it happened because she said her parents growing up were like, everyone always said, oh my God, they look like newlyweds. It really fucked her up because there was no, she's never seen a couple like it and she could never emulate their love. And what she found out, her mom got drunk following this psychiatric thing and is out of the hospital doing well, is stable. And her mom got drunk on Easter

and she was driving her home and she was like, I need to tell you something. Your dad and I are twins. We're fraternal twins. We grew up in Germany. We started masturbating in front of each other when we were little. Then it turned into mutual masturbation.

Then it turned to us hooking up. We would stop hooking up because we knew it was wrong and then we would eventually do it again. Eventually, we were just so in love with each other that we knew we would never be able to be together so they left germany where they were from created new identities in america completely just disappeared from their lives and then had one child which is her and she has no deformities she's totally normal um and is it and and then everyone was like oh my god there was another thing about twins hooking up Which was the one I just read

So Reddit is a weird place and I believe all of it But maybe you know Maybe I shouldn't And I wanted to also Let's do one of my videos Noah would you be prepared to play the Will Smith one Because I forget what this is But I did save it

And I know that the Will Smith slap stuff is all kind of We're over it When I was 15 years old My first girlfriend cheated on me it yeah and i know that the will smith slap stuff is all kind of we're over it when i was eight years old my first girlfriend cheated on me oh and i remember making a decision that nobody would ever cheat on me again and the way i do that is by being the biggest actor on earth someone's laughing who's filming it there's been this weird psychology my movies are number one my life is gonna work out interesting i and the truth is he doesn't get cheated on because he knows about it do you know i'm saying like having an open relationship

it's not necessarily cheating so and it is interesting though that he thought becoming the number one actor he was motivated by getting cheated on to become the best because the number one actor doesn't get cheated on which we all know is not true and doesn't prevent it but it's so funny to see all these will smith things resurface and these different quotes did you see them high five over like bad marriage for life did you see that one no but do you think if you're if the person decides to be in an open relationship even though it's not cheating i feel like whoever decides the first to say hey i want to be in an open relationship that feels like like uh like uh kind of cheating that's not a betrayal to say that you want to maybe open up the relationship if you I mean? That's not a betrayal to say that you want to maybe open up the relationship

if you haven't already. That's not a betrayal. That's honesty. I disagree. I'm just saying, no, if it was me, if someone brought it, whoever brings it up first, and if I agreed to it, maybe reluctantly, even though that's my choice. That's on you, though.

I get that. I get that. I'm just saying that it could still feel. But it doesn't count as cheating. Cheating is when you don't know, when the person does it to you and you don't know. I believe that. That's what I'm just saying that it doesn't count as cheating cheating is when you don't know when the person does it to you and you don't know I believe that's what I don't believe that's up for debate but I understand it's cheating but I'm saying it's a soft a soft betrayal a soft cheat yeah I mean going into an open relationship just to keep the relationship is one of the dumbest

things I've ever heard but I understand people aren't strong enough to leave and so they put up with stuff I've done that before in different ways just not in that way but um Andrew uh hope you feel better we'll see you tomorrow on the podcast this weekend we will see you on the road we will be five days or more outside of um any COVID symptoms so don't worry uh we will be in New Orleans we We will be in Fort Lauderdale, Jacksonville, and Nashville. Can't wait to see you guys out there. Get your Bestie merch now. Sport it on your Instagrams. We'll repost it.

And we love you so much. And don't be cute. And check. My twin off. There we go. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines,

exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.