The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #206 Nikki Glaser Day

Episode Date: April 21, 2022

Nikki and Andrew discuss how things get "lost in textlation". They recall a funny meet up with a Bestie and remember the last time they laughed to themselves. Nikki is gearing up to throw the first pitch at a Cardinals game when St. Louis will celebrate Nikki Glaser Day on April 28th. She will get the key to the city which she hopes will open up all the janitor closets. They talk about tips to throwing the perfect pitch and Sean Murphy's butt. You Heard It Here First: kindergartners accidentally drink tequila, science projects, penis sizes around the world, and Nikki is caring less and less about Taylor Swift headlines.They Finish each other's sentence about bad habits they'd love to let go of. In the Final Thought they have the perfect tagline to Welcome Home Nikki Glaser? Which premieres on E! on May 1st.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki.

Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. I'm Nikki Glaser. I am in St. Louis. Andrew is in St. Louis. We are in the same building. We are not in the same room because we are not getting along. No, it's not that.

It's COVID-y issues. And then Noah is in Arizona. It is Wednesday. That's how I say it in my head every time I write it so that I say it right. Wednesday's a hard one to write. Like when you're a little kid right wednesday's a hard one to bread like when you're

a little kid learning things and tuesday's not easier either twos you would just think it's t-u-s when you're a little kid i would always say twos no oh have you ever seen the the tiktok where they're like uh they hold up cards for a girl to say and they're like twi and she's like twee they're twa twa and then they're twu twu and then two she's like two and everyone laughs she's like two what two and then you really examine it you're, two is such a weird word to spell it that way. There's no other TW words that just go two. Yeah. I'm trying to think.

Tot, twat, tot. No. It's all twist. No. No, I know. I think they just ran out of, I think TO and TOO was first. And then they were like, well, we got to. You could do T-O-U. Or they could have not done two.

Or T-O-O-O. It could have been any word. It could have been. T-O-O-O. Two. Gip. It could have been one, gip, three. I don't know why they're not having three letters and things.

What do you mean? Why not T-O-O-O? Three vowels. Just three letters. I's a it's a letter too why don't we just do i mean that's what i i was uh i i had written in my phone you know how sometimes you write like a joke idea or whatever and i just have tired with 37 d's and i remembered i keep going what does that mean tired with 37 d's and then i realized it was like part of my joke making fun of young girls and how their instagrams do that little thing where they're just like they just like twitch a little bit and like the hair falls in their face and it's it's like a boomerang but it's even it's a micro second it's not even a

it's not a boomerang is like a full second these are like micro and then they always write like i'm tired with like 30 70s and 30 70s is also the size of their bra and then they go viral for it and then people were like dude it's like genius but yeah there there is something about writing multiple letters in a thing that conveys tone via texting, you know? Yeah, I feel like when people write out okay, not just do K. I don't know. Okay, why?

Yeah. Or like the O and K. Which one seems more passive aggressive to you? Okay without an exclamation mark is hell. It's the ma'am of affirmative answers. Okay spelled out too makes it feel. It makes it feel like a grade school teacher. It just seems so grammatically

correct okay because that is how you spell okay avi always writes out okay in our messages and i always read it like okay yeah we give so much tone to things yeah like i just wrote my assistant is having to change like a million flights because of just me canceling my LA trip and everything. And it's like her job now is just like calling airlines and saying like, we didn't mean to book that flight. Can we get a refund? And she had to do it again this morning because I found a cheaper flight somewhere that was not available yesterday. And I just wrote back to her, fuck, like fuck like god this is your job now like you i'm so sorry and she just goes what's wrong because it's like oh no no i just meant like i

was just like sharing your consternation that you probably have and she's like okay and so i just made things worse by being like fuck because she thought something on my end happened how do you feel about voice memos um i'm a fan in the sense that things don't get lost in textlation yes you know so you can there's no tone there's no tone in text usually people go to the worst tone possible yeah unless you add an lol and an emoji. There's so many times I add an LOL when there's no need for an LOL. But the thing is, an LOL doesn't mean laugh out loud anymore. It just means don't read this in a sarcastic or aggressive tone.

That's what it means. It's almost like the italics of, it's just a way to like, or an exclamation mark really does that too, I think. But LOL makes it so gentle. Thank God for LOL. I mean, we can roll our eyes about like, oh, it's not really laughing out loud,

but that's what it is. It's just a shortcut to be like, I come in peace. It's like, it's the same way when you honk at someone and you either go, or you go like. Yeah, that's a fun little honk. No one's ever been shot for a ha-ha. Like if you have a, like, can you just move like a little bit? Like it's the difference between excuse me and someone in line and go, oh, excuse me.

The problem is, though, is either A, they won't hear the ha-ha. So then you got to go ha-ha again. And then you got to go another ha-ha-ha-ha. And then they lose their mind. Because it's like seven ha-has. Yes. Which equals one huge ha. Yeah.

I hate getting ha-ha at no matter what. I mean, usually they're right because I'm checking my phone and when i'm at a stoplight yeah and they're probably in a hurry when they want to get there 0.07 seconds earlier than they would if i wasn't checking my phone but they're right and i always kind of look up and i go oh my god you're right and then i'm kind of embarrassed when they drive past me and then they're embarrassed when i get right next to them at the next light. The rules of the road. The rules of the road, man. You forget all about it when you live in New York City. You forget driving and just rules of the road.

I don't know. It's interesting that I went 10 years without a car in my 30s. That's weird. I love driving so much. It's the best. I miss it. I used to get panic attacks driving though on the highway sometimes in florida like i don't know um well you were getting panic attacks for everything kind of i got panic attacks uh like ride not you know

my version of that i don't want to it's not the same as other people's but like yeah riding in cars and not having control. But you driving yourself, that would be horrifying to get a panic attack while you're in control of a heavy machine. Almost like Bo Burnham saying he gets panic attacks while he's on stage. You go, how could that happen? See, one time I got, oh, not one time, multiple times, yeah, on the highway. So then part of you wants to get off the highway to get rid of it. Then the other part of you wants to drive faster to get home quicker

but that's not safe did you get one on a bridge once? no that was Truman Show that might have been Truman Show did you ever see the Truman Show? was that when I was in the Truman Show? oh my god that is the

that's one of my favorite movies I have to remember that next time people are like what's your favorite movie? do you ever like just struggle to remember anything that is your favorite when people seem to ask you for it? Every time.

All the time. Yeah, we struggle with that on the show when we do best, worst up, first up. Top one, bottom one. You can't even think of the top one, bottom one. Yeah, and it's one of my favorite segments. By the way. What's your top one, bottom one,

top one, bottom one? I just want to give a shout out to the besties on reddit who posted a thread about all of our top one bottom one saying it would be a great board game oh and they put it all together yeah and they put it all together and like i have it in a spreadsheet but it's all spread out but to like see it together's really cute. I don't go on Reddit, and I'm sorry that I don't get to go over to our thing. It's just to protect myself

in case one douchebag says something wrong, and it sucks that I... But you know that I'm in so many communications with besties on my DMs, and that I feel like I am accessible to you guys. If you really need me, I always will be. I love the posts we got on that you reposted that I hadn't seen yet on our Nikki Glaser pod Instagram. No, I'm guessing you reposted the people with the merch.

Like doing little dances and like so proud to be wearing the merch. It really touched me in a way that like i don't know i don't know how to describe it it's different than i've been having fans for almost 20 years now and it's just a different it's just different it feels so good it's so cute and i know what that feels like to be a fan of a show or like um just you know two three people like i just i know what it's like so it um i guess it hits different it's just so sweet so thank you to everyone who bought merch and thank you to everyone who you know participates in spreading the word of the the show spreading the good word spreading that good word i mean we met a lot of busties this past weekend austin um which we couldn't do meet and greets in austin because it was a festival so i

apologize to any busties that were there um and then we saw some in the that drove by us late at night remember that andrew yeah yeah it's funny a little drive-by shout out that's always fun and then um dallas peeling off doing something in houston no they weren't feeling they peeled a little it was a little peel no we met some really good uh good fans and and sweeties um out there and i meant to remember their names and i remember faces though and it's just nice um it's it's cool when like you don't expect like someone to be a fan and then you're like really what like yeah how did we end up in your life like who was that girl that was first in line in dallas what was her name she was fun oh yeah she was so funny

she was like that was she was like what happened oh my god i look she's such a huge fan what she she starts out what i mean andrew do you remember what it started out as it started out as like oh no this girl's gonna be trouble but then it quickly turned into no she is just excited and i love her energy and she was saying she's referencing a lot of inside jokes she was by herself or maybe she was with a friend, but her friend had removed herself from the situation to be not embarrassed. Because she was freaking out. And she's like, no, Andrew, you need to get in this picture, too, because Andrew's taking pictures. Andrew, do you remember what she said?

I blacked it out. She was just all over the place. But she's like, I love you, Brenna. Kisses. Brenna, I love you. Oh, I love the show so much. Ham drip. Ham drip.

Lots of ham drips. Yeah, a lot of Ham drip. Ham drip. Lots of ham drips. Yeah, a lot of ham drip. We get a lot of ham drips. Sometimes they'll whisper it so no one else knows. Oh, I remember she had the cuss cuss ever. Oh, what was it again? She had a... Oh my god. This was my favorite cuss I've ever heard.

Because it involves cuss. It's like an inception cuss. So she would listen to our podcast in front of her ex-boyfriend I believe is what the case was and she or no she would say around her ex-boyfriend she'd call it things out for being

in front of him not things that he was doing things that she would see and he never asked what it meant you don't know what kuh means. Yet your girlfriend's using this. You are trying to act like you might even know it or you don't care. That was so kuh.

I fucking loved that kuh so much. And then she was calling herself kuh about something. And I go, no, you are not. Oh, no, there was something she did that was kind of kuh. That maybe was in the audience that night or something. She was like, and I was in this way and I was like, yeah,

that is good. But like, but it was so funny to me that, cause I've done that before where I'm trying to get my boyfriend's attention, not my boyfriend now, but like, you know, other boyfriends,

he's the only boyfriend I've ever had. So it's always him. No, I've tried to like get their attention by doing something and then they don't pick up on it and you're like yeah like you know this thing is like you've never heard of it before or you've never like come on yeah there's a i think she was called herself for alfred being cooked because you know i post i posted that thing on instagram where like light laughers or whatever so now i think like people think they have to laugh too loud for me.

Like I'm like a, like a make a wish kind of kid. And I'm like, they're like, we laugh so loud that I think it was like annoying people how loud we were laughing. I was like, no,

it's like, I don't, I get it. You're being very nice, but like, I don't need the charity laugh of like, I gave it extra for you, pal. Yes. Like patting me on the top of the head. Like like I gave it extra for you pal yes like patting me on

the top of the head like yes I did it for you little pal boy and it's like yeah that was just very nice yeah soft laughers yeah yeah I always want people to laugh exactly the amount they want to that's why I blur my eyes because when you look at people they just they it's a it's a tactic to get them to laugh harder when you have the lights up i want i have the i try to have the lights down i try to never go out in the audience because i never want to put pressure on people to have a better time than they are really i want people to have an authentic experience where they don't feel pressured to do anything they don't want to do and there's something so great about eliciting laughs from people that could easily not laugh. There's something so special when you're in a setting

like that, there are so many factors that play into why you laugh or why you don't laugh. In comedy clubs, everyone's bunched up as close as possible to the front because laughter is contagious and it will it will make you laugh if people are laughing and having a good time we've talked about some of the tricks laughing at your own jokes having little like cues uh like slapping your knee with a microphone like chapelle does like there's little things that can make the audience like you know lacing your material with the word fuck like do it there's certain tricks and there's also tricks that i'm employing throughout my set that you know are just the ways that comedians learn how to talk in a way that's funnier than not talk like i've learned it's funnier for me to go like because old glazed

dog needs a data instead of saying because, instead of saying, because I need to hear compliments. For me to button up a joke about compliments that has no punchline, and I just finish it with like, because you know what? Old glazed dog needs a compliment. That is funnier than me saying, because I need a compliment. You know, there's tricks like that, but then there's really deliberate ones that are just gross. you know there's tricks like that but then there's really deliberate ones that are just gross um but i always am very touched when people have been watching say they watch something online

or like on tv and they're like you had me like laughing alone in my apartment because there's no pressure on you to do that do you ever laugh alone like when you're watching something was the last time you really like laughed at something by yourself? This is like one of those top one, bottom one moments where I have no idea. Right. Last season of Curb Your Enthusiasm when I was binging it.

Okay. Yeah, that's a good one. I mean, no, that is. The Woody Harrelson episode, I laughed very hard. Oh my God. About him going out to the farm and like the cow and stuff.

Yeah. I laughed so hard at Molly Shannon's book. Andrew caught me on the plane laughing to myself because I couldn't help it. I read that book in two days. I am bragging. I fucking sped through it. It's a big book and I read it all.

It is so good. It's called Hello Molly. I really recommend it for a Mother's Day gift because it's all about her losing her mom at a young age and how her dad ended up being like her mother and how that relationship was kind of fucked up

but it would be a really good gift for mothers I think even though it's a tragic loss of a mom at the age of like 6 she was because it's about it's about her living her life to make her mom proud even though her mom was never there so it's a beautiful and it's a beautiful gift to give a woman because it's a really triumphant story about a woman who kind of a self-made comedian

like superstar success like it's so beautiful but but I was laughing. The book made me cry within 10 pages. Like so crying. It's really sad what happened to her and her family. You should read it to find out. It's called Hello Molly. But I was laughing so hard at one part. Andrew looked over at me on the plane and I wasn't trying to be like,

I'm laughing at a book. I'm smart. I was just laughing because she was describing the sketches. was her at the snl chapters and she was describing some of the segments that i had never even seen like or i couldn't remember i didn't remember sally o'malley who is this woman that was based off of her friend went to go like sign up for equinox or something and her friend said that this woman was showing around and she was like, listen, I'm 50 and I can kick and I can split.

I'm 50. This is the way a woman who's 50. And so she created this character who was like, and I can kick and I can stretch and I'm 50. And so I was laughing so hard. Then I looked up all these sketches and I'm dying because there were so many. It's so funny to read about sketches, birthday so i was laughing so hard then i looked up all these sketches and i'm dying because it's there were so many it's so funny to read about sketches ones that you remember also ones i was

desperate to i could only find transcripts of because she was like you know there's this one sketch where we were working at a friday's and the way will ferrell said welcome to friday's made me laugh so hard or like the way he said i'm Gerald uh you know uh Cunningham the third welcome to TGI Fridays she was like I cracked up I broke and so I'm looking for TGI Fridays Will Ferrell Molly Shannon I can't find it so I just find the transcript but it's um it's really I I really went through a depression after reading that book because I lost my friend Molly who was talking to me for two days like straight it's it's a real thing that happens to me with books that are really really good and that one I like suffered for a couple days afterwards of being like I wish I could talk to my friend

and she is my friend she gave you know she reached out to me on dm but I don't want to bother her but I fucking love that book so much um and I want to talk to you when we get back from break next week a week from tomorrow i am it's nikki glazer day in st louis and i'm doing something very special we're going to talk about it when we get back andrew hey hi everyone come on down now now now come on down now brown cow down now catch john stewart back in action on the daily show and in your ears with the daily show ears edition podcast from his hilarious satirical takes on today's Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and In Your Ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now.

Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We're back. This weekend, we're going to be in New Orleans Thursday night. One of the either Fort Lauderdale or Jacksonville Friday night. Either Fort Lauderdale or Jacksonville, Friday night. Either Fort Lauderdale or Jacksonville, Saturday night. And then Sunday night, I'll tell you. Fort Lauderdale, Friday, Jacksonville, Saturday.

Okay. Fort Lauderdale, Friday. Yeah. Okay. 22nd is Fort Lauderdale. I think that's Friday? Friday. And then Jacksonville on Saturday.

Okay. And Nashville onville on Saturday. Okay. And Nashville on the 24th. Now, Andrew, are we going to have any family coming out to these shows? It's Fort Lauderdale, Jacksonville, and then close to where you came from in Port St. Louis. You know my boy in Nashville, Jake Owen. Jake Owen's coming. Oh, he's coming? Jake Owen's coming out.

He's bringing the whole honky-tonk with him. Oh, you know what? You know I'm going to ask Jake Owen about something that I've been bothering you about before. Oh, he's coming? Jake Owen's coming out. He's bringing the whole honky tonk with him. Oh, you know what? You know I'm going to ask Jake Owen about something that I've been bothering you about before. Oh, shit. Yeah, you got him. I did a deep dive, as I do, about Taylor Swift and who she's dated and who different songs are about. And I did read that she wrote one song about Jake Owen. I believe, I forget.

Will you look up, Noah, which song that is? I don't know why I'm talking like Dr. Phil. I am doing his podcast later today. I will be on Dr. Phil's podcast. I will be on Ask Chelsea. That podcast is coming up soon. Whitney Cummings, that podcast is up already. The one that we talk about family constellations.

I have like 45 minutes left. Oh my God. So you have one tenth of it left it's the longest podcast in history it's so oh i'm so glad it's great whitney and i both we have this thing that after a podcast we've done i've done our podcast now four or five times after a podcast we always walk out and we go that was that was like not good right and i go listen it doesn't even matter like you don't have to put it up she goes i just was like not present i just got some bad family news which she talks about on the show so i'm not divulging anything that she didn't divulge and she's like and i go you don't have to put it up like i just want to hang out with you i

don't care if you like we can just trash it like that sometimes you do a bad podcast and we're both like was that bad and then emily her producer is like no it was good and we're like no that and i go whitney i just realized we have this conversation in your immaculate beautiful marble foyer every single time that we think this is shit and then we and then you always find out it's like one of the best podcasts that your fans love and then she sends she sends her podcast i think to her cousin like her uh niece to listen to to like test them and her niece wrote back like she podcast i think to her cousin like her uh niece to listen to to like test them and her niece wrote back like she sent it to me she's like i think it's good to go because her niece was like this is the best podcast so you have great chemistry

i think yeah we we really do we're both really chatty ladies it's amazing that anyone gets a word in but um she oh she i'm i'm a little gay for her i gotta be honest she is so beautiful and i said at the beginning of the podcast i thought i was like i was having fantasies of making out with you today i've it's really bizarre and i say that it's totally someone who's in a happy relationship i just think she's so beautiful and i'm so i feel so loved by her it's really weird like i feel like i don't know why i'd want to make out with someone who i feel maternal towards or that she feels maternal towards me but then she hooked me up with all that taylor swift stuff anyway the song is sparks fly sparks fly okay yes so what's the song about let's go through the song yeah let's listen to the lyrics or let's hear let's talk

about the lyrics you want me to read the lyrics yeah well you just start us off i'll be able to pick up i just don't forget how it opens the way you move is like a full-on rainstorm and i'm a house of cards it's like a full-on rainstorm and i'm a house of cards i think it's the it's that's off key but yeah you're the kind of reckless that should send me running but i you're the kind of reckless that could send me running but i kind of know that i won't go far i kind of reckless that should send me running, but I... You're the kind of reckless that could send me running, but... I kind of know that I won't go far. I kind of know I won't go far. Should I call Jake right now and see? No, no, no.

It's too much. Because, honestly... It's too much on the spot? He's been asked about this before, and he chooses... This is going to be a conversation I have with him offline, that he feels safe, that I won't talk about it even though besties will I'll fashion egg it so he won't be implied yeah you're right

John Owen okay drop everything now meet me in the pouring rain meet me in the pouring rain kiss me on the sidewalk take away the pain cause I've seen sparks fly.

Fly. Whenever you walk by, hit me with those green eyes. Whenever you smell. Baby in the light so bright. He does have green eyes. I'll haunt you when you're not around. Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile. Is that right?

Yes. Does he have green eyes? He does. Is that right? Yes. Does he have green eyes? He does. Yes, green eyes is in there. You're gonna write a song about a honky tonk. You're friends with a guy named Andrew from high school or college. I don't remember which. High school.

He's gonna do a podcast with Nikki Glaser and she's gonna sing the song off key. That's how it goes. Down to the honky tonk, we're going down. Down to the honky tonk. Okay, so Nicky Glazer Day in St. Louis is coming up this next Thursday. There's a Cardinals game. The mayor's assistant, the mayor can't make it, but the mayor's assistant is going to grant me a star somewhere,

and I'm going to get a fucking food item named after me. I'm going to be the, I'm going to get the key to Ballpark Village which is like this whole area near the stadium that is where people fans, Cardinals fans go. I'm going to get the key to it. I don't know what I'm going to do with that key. I just want to go in janitor's closets and stuff. I'm like, I'm like a

janitor for the day. Like I got access to anything. Yeah, what is this key? What is it? But like, what does it get you into? Like yeah what is this what is it but like what does it get you into like what is it i don't know like the different garages and like i just feel like i could go around to do maintenance all day no it's just the ballpark village key to the ball not to the city to ballpark village oh just ballpark you gotta stay in the best part of the city it's a great little uh place you know cardinals fans are huge like this you know we're the some of the best fans maybe ever and so it's just it means a lot and they're doing this whole day called nikki glazer day at the stadium they wanted to do like

my face on like these little cardboard things so everyone in the audience could like have my face on theirs but i just thought that would maybe be too much and i just felt like i don't some people are gonna be like who's nikki glazer fuck this bitch like we love john ham we don't want i just so i'm throwing out the first pitch which the cardboard i mean are you gonna practice and what day is nikki glazer day for thursday the 28th so i I help, I know Chris helped you throw. I helped you in the green room. You already have great form. Yeah, go ahead. So I, and I appreciate, like I got validated from two men

that I really trust when it comes to form and sports. Form sports. These guys are both NBAs, natural born athletes. That's what I call NBAs. And so I'm throwing out the first pitch i asked them if i could sing the national anthem which given my rendition of spark fly today i don't see why they wouldn't want to do that but they said they just ignored that and they kept saying first pitch and so i was like can i just go out with the cardinal school girls in short shorts

and like stand on the dugout and like do the little slingshot for T-shirts, and just do a dance with Fred Bird. Please not the first pitch. I don't want to... You guys don't understand. I don't like... You do understand. You know me. I don't like balls.

I'm like that girl in Clueless. My surgeon said I shouldn't have balls flying at my face. Well, there goes your social life. There goes your social life. So I do not... I don't like catching balls i don't like throwing them i always feel like i'm just such like i'm a joke like people are just like oh my god she threw that like a girl you know even though that's like a compliment because i love being a girl

so the only person i'm really okay being vulnerable about my lack of athletic prowess in front of it when it comes to someone i really respect athletically is chris i do not invite andrew into this because i just until the other until i got validation from chris that i had good form i would not have ever shown it to andrew because i just don't know why chris i know will love me no matter what i know andrew will too but i just feel like andrew will laugh at me whereas chris won't laugh at me he'll just like help me but i feel like andrew will be helping me through giggles of how bad i am i think i proved myself i think i proved myself that i didn't giggle in your face but i

went in the bathroom but i was good that's why you didn't giggle well i lied so the other night chris came over and he had he has a little ball that he keeps here that he rolls out on his shoulder and stuff roll out and he and I started throwing it and he just taught me he just was like just throw it he was like okay well that was straight

but I have a question did he stand behind you and like put his hands on your hands and bring out a ball to show you oh my god that movie Fever Pitch. It would have been so hot. No, he didn't do that. Andrew did though.

And I go, why are we doing? No, no, no one did that for me. They just, Chris taught me a thing where I step back with my left foot. I rotate my right foot out. I raise up my left foot. It's like, you know, just to do a little funny thing beforehand that looks like I'm like you know

just a little performative thing and then wind up and throw and then I should spit on the ball yeah that's what I that's what Chris said to do I just don't want to oh yeah I want to do like a cartwheel or like a back bend or like

I don't know I saw Simone Biles too it's like why would I try to do anything Simone Biles does? You know what you should do, honestly? I think when you get up there, face towards second base and then go, oh, fuck.

Like just a quick, like you're facing the wrong way and you catch your, it's almost too obvious that it's so wrong. It would be funnier to do something that's like, like a very, like an earnestly, like something I would get wrong. That I would never get wrong.

You know what I'm saying? I know you're saying it's like so exaggerated that it's funny, but... That's my point. Yeah, like is that it's just so like, like if it was like a little bit too long that you were just facing second. What if I was like licking my fingers

and like, you know, doing the thing under my eye? Like, is there any kind of like funny? Anyway. Oh, you could pretend to have like Vaseline all over. Like, like a lot of pitchers will hide like Vaseline and like they're like, go use your tit sweat. Use your tit sweat. No, I don't want to be filthy because St. Louis already is kind of like, are we letting

this fucking whore on our, you know, Christian baseball field. So, so then Andrew and I threw around Matt Pond's sock last in Dallas. We were throwing around COVID and we, and Andrew said it was good. He was impressed by me. It was a sock. I mean,

what are we, what are we going to do? And he gave me some tips that were really good, which was like, cause the sock is lighter than a ball. Yeah. But it was easier to like really try to throw it as hard as possible whereas if i was indoors trying to i just there's a part of me that's so scared of breaking things that i just never will throw it as hard as i can unless it's something that i know won't hurt anyone um and he taught me to like loosen up my arm because i was kind of like all bunched up and like and then yesterday chris picked me up and brought me we got we went and played catch in forest park and we played

catch for like an hour and i'm so good i hate to brag but i'm really good and we were doing it from 60 and a half feet away which is like yeah it's not gonna be the distance that i'm gonna have to do it because that's the distance between the um you know the pitcher's mound and home plate but they're gonna come in for me a little bit further i think i think you tell him to stay i think you do 60 i think yeah i'm gonna i think it'd be funny if i just go nope go back yeah yeah go back get down i will say this. Did you see the video of the baseball that hit the pitcher's butt? Yes. Did you see that video? It was so hot.

He was like J-Lo. It was so hot. It was like a juicy ass. That ball was crying. And he kind of like, yeah, the ball split in half. Wait, Noah has it right here. Look, I like how he gives it a little boom. He just was never able to get that hand out in front.

Doc, start here for the raise. I want to do that. Bang. The pitcher. He just was never able to get it. That is like a luscious ass. That's an insane ass. There's girls that would go to baseball games at Tulane just to see that ass.

Those pants really accentuate the ass. Women don't go to Ogle Men's Bobbies. No, they don't. You're wrong. You're so wrong. They don't go for it. It's just an added perk. No, they go because they think they might have a chance of fucking those guys,

but they don't go just to Ogle. I'm telling you they were Ogling. I had friends that ogled. There were a lot of baseball groupies that loved the tight pants with the ass. But they also think they have a chance of fucking those guys. That's why they go.

Of course. Well, that's mainly what it is. Why is that two different things? Because if the chance to fuck them was out of the equation, then it wouldn't happen. Like if they were just ogling, like if they could go watch it on a screen where it was just close-ups of their asses, they probably wouldn't happen. Like if they were just ogling, like if they could go watch it on a screen

where it was just close-ups of their asses, they probably wouldn't watch it from home. Do you know what I'm saying? I get what you're saying, but I don't think they stand alone. I think ogling... No, I've ogled before. I get it, but I would not...

You just would go watch porn. Like look up if you Google Halle Berry looking at Kobe Bryant at the basketball game. But that's because she has a chance with Kobe Bryant. For sure. But she was also ugly. She did. She ogled hard.

So, anyway. So, you threw the ball. How did it feel? How did it feel? I'm really good. We threw for an hour. And I will say that I threw to threw to him straight and it wasn't always 60 feet away it was usually like more like 40 but I will say that I got I was I threw straight

80% of the time maybe 85 and I got it within inches of his mitt 70% of the time. It was undeniably I'm good. My arm is weaker than my aim, but my aim is good. That's all I want to do is really throw it straight. So what I know now is that despite, so I get to do it one time. I can warm up a little bit,

but it's going to be scary. If I get to throw five pitches, then people would be like, wow, she's good. if i fuck up one time and do the one bad one because one out of every you know i would say 10 of the time it's a fucking bad one you know i just like throw it into the ground or whatever so but what i know is that my boyfriend who i really care about him you know being proud of his lady he can be proud of me already and know what I'm capable of. He knows what I'm capable of. I know what I'm capable of and it doesn't matter what happens.

Can I say something? Yes. If you throw too far, it will look cooler than coming up short. So if I were you, I would aim high because no one's expecting a girl to be able to throw it like 70 feet. And if you were like, sorry, I'm too fucking strong. No one's going to laugh at that because I just want to throw it dead straight. I'm okay if it goes a little short, but yes, I will aim to throw it.

I, cause I can, if I throw it straight on, I won't go 60 feet, but if I do it a little pop-up style, it'll go the 60 and a half so i'm going to go for throwing it a little bit higher yes uh even though it looks a little bit more girly but i i really am aiming for like wow that was right on his mitt because my aim isn't really good i will think i mean i don't know what to compare it to who knows maybe everyone's this good but um i felt you know me, I only do things that I feel like, oh, I'm actually like better than this than most people. And I felt my aim because my dad used to practice with me with Frisbee. He said, if you hit me on the chest and

he'd be 60 feet away, I'll give you $50. And so we would always, he would just stand there with his chest. And I think I won it one time, but we were, I was, you know, I know aim in that sense. Okay. Let's get to the news. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. It's Wednesday, folks. You know what that means?

It is Wednesday. Hope you're having a good time out there. It's the hump day of the week. It's the middle of the week. It's the top of the week. It's coming on back down, but it'll come back up there in the weekend. Who knows? Maybe not. But I hope you're having all the swells out there and i think no one's gonna take it away here we go take it down just a friendly reminder to go to nickiglazer.com

slash tour for nicki's tour dates and also on the fully loaded comedy festival you got a couple of dates on those yes and I have also extended, not on the Fully Loaded Burt Tour, but on my tour, if you go alone and write me GOINGALONE in all caps, but in only that message, don't write something after it because I only see the last message you send. If you start

it with GOINGALONE in all caps and you tell me you're going alone to a show, I will give you free meet and greet on me for being brave enough to go alone. And I will bump you up to a VIP meet and greet. So just DM me, GOINGALONE, all caps, if you want to go alone to any of the shows that aren't on the Burt tour.

And that is my gift to you for being brave enough to go alone. GOINGALONE, all caps, give me your full name and what show you're going to. And boom, they'll be at the box office, no other no other requirements all right so the first story uh i have to say thanks to bestie uh she goes by wit for brains on instagram all right several meaning four kindergartners consumed a pre-mixed tequila

drink marked as adult lemonade at snack time in their Michigan school. Oh, good for them. How fucked up did they get? So, poison control is called, but no student needed medical attention. They were doing a conga line. Yeah. They're like, this shit's

weak. Well, it had 10% alcohol, which is kind of a lot. That's a lot. That's 20 proof. why was it out there like just like labeled like so easily i bet one of them brought it from home yeah so a student brought it from home um oh the the spokesperson from the school said it's unfortunate that these types of adult beverages can easily be mistaken for child-friendly drinks yes especially when it says adult on it and you're a little kid and you want to feel adult fortunate that these types of adult beverages can easily be mistaken for child-friendly drinks. Yes, especially when it says adult on it and you're a little kid and you want to feel adult or you don't even know what the word adult means and it says lemonade and, you know,

things are labeled in such cute ways. You know that, remember the drink on Summer House that guy sells, Loverboy? That's a little girl's like I would be obsessed with that packaging and stuff as a little girl. And so, but you know what man, as someone who doesn't drink anymore, I get jealous of anyone who accidentally consumes alcohol and just gets to have a little fun

buzz. Even kids who have developmental like brains that are still developing. One little drunky episode is not good it's just gonna be a good story for the rest of their lives so good for i never had a white claw have you ever had a white claw no you should do that now i know i guess i could have a white are you done drinking like what's your status right now are you going back on the what's going on i mean covid has really like i just want to be healthy right now yes yeah you don't want to

do anything that affects your immune system yeah so i don't know i'll probably yeah i'll have a white claw yeah you gotta do a white claw within this month i'm gonna have one fucking white claw hell yes dude and i'm gonna drink it with five ten or truly or a kombucha even a full blast kombucha would be yummy i'm just like living out all my fantasies. I love the kid that brings his like dad's heroin. He's like, oh, I thought it was. I'm so jealous. They're like, we thought it was the kid's kind you inject into your asshole. What was your science experiments?

I just, I don't know why. Oh my God. I had the funniest fucking one ever. I do too. Should we do this later? I don't know. I'm sorry. This is, I had the funniest fucking one ever. I do too. Should we do this later? I don't know. I'm sorry. This is actually appropriate with this.

I was in chemistry class. I did not understand anything about chemical reactions. We had to pitch a product that was based on... The assignment was, you create a product that you're selling, almost like Shark Tank, where there's a chemical reaction that happens in the product. All right. So the only chemical reaction I knew of the easiest one was baking soda, vinegar, boom, volcano, right?

Boom, kill a seagull. We all know. This is 10th grade. So like this is volcanoes. That chemical reaction is so like elementary. But I was like, I can still use it. It passes the test of this thing. So I came up with a product.

This is honestly so funny. It was, I bought a baby doll, that hollow baby doll. Oh God, I know what you did. I bet. I put baking soda inside the baby doll

after I took off its head, put the head back on. I made a hole in its mouth and it was a baby doll that taught kids about the dangers of drinking alcohol. And then I put vinegar with beer on the bottle. And then I was like, this is a baby doll that you give your children

to teach them alcohol is bad for you and makes you sick. And so I poured it. I was like, baby loves beer. And I poured it in, and the baby starts spewing up everywhere. That's awesome. It was a doll that dare teachers could take around to schools to teach kids and I got an A++ because of creativity

more so than the chemical reaction that I had to also explain on the whiteboard. I think, you know. That's a great invention. I really like that invention to learn. Thank you. I got really, really creative with, I had some great school projects. What about you? I've told you this, I mean I was a little less creative with, I had some great school projects. What about you? Oh, I've told you this.

I mean, I was a little less creative with this one. I brought in a few different kind of fruits, and I had people plug their nose to see if taste, if smell affects taste. So the idea was they clamped their nose so they can't smell. I like that. Here's the thing, though. I forgot forgot the clamp so i just blindfolded them well they can plug their nose i guess they could have but i they didn't so i just blindfolded them and they were like yeah that's an orange that's an apple that's an orange yeah uh they were all 50 for 50. Like it was literally, there was no,

the hypothesis is that I'm a fucking moron. And the conclusion was I was right. Literally, like you would think by like 48, like of them going, that's an orange, I would have stopped. But I think I stuck with it because like I had to be confident about how bad I fucked up. You know what I mean?

Yeah. When you fuck up sometimes, you just- Yeah. By 30, I was just like, I know this is wrong. There's no way. It's like when Kirsten and I would see the guy in class lean back in his chair to be good, and then he'd fall over, and he'd be like, I loved it. I want to do it again.

And you're like, no, you didn't. You fucked up. Now you're embracing it like it was meant to be. We used to make fun of that guy so much uh dude next it was so funny all right andrew yes study finds that american men's penises are only the 59th biggest in the world beaten by haitians australians Whoa. Wait, 59th out of countries or 59th percent? Country. So we're number 59. Here's the schlong list.

Oh, wow. Wow. Okay. These aren't crazy numbers. So Ecuador is 6.93 inches average. Wait, I'm not seeing the whole thing, Noah, because my thing is zoomed in. Yeah, so Ecuador comes in at number one with 6.93 inches.

Is it because they're closer to the equator? It goes Ecuador, Cameroon, Bolivia, Sudan, Haiti, France. I would think French would have. Although all these countries, I will say, have their foreskin still, which I bet adds 0.3 inches. No, this is a wreck. This is a wreck.

I know, but they still... Oh, so their foreskin gets pulled back. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So, I mean, I feel like in any country that might be a little smaller where everyone's pretty much similar, so you're going to get similar size dicks. America, you have so much diversity, So you could have a three inch dick.

Well, think about if we didn't have so much diversity, it was just all the white men. All little Jewish guys. So we would be a lot lower. The average length. We'd be number 6,000. The average length of an American man's penis. 200 countries. Yeah.

According to this study that The Sun posted about. It has to be 5.20 or something. 5.35 inches. That can't be right. That's the average in the US? Yes. No, that makes sense. That's a decent size.

That's that. That's a good size. That's a decent size. That's half a ruler. No, you don't know penis length. You guys draw it at this comedy seller and you guys draw dicks. No, you don't know penis length. You always like, you guys draw it at this comedy cellar and you guys draw dicks. No, dude, I know what it is. I'm saying, I know you think that that's small, but it's not.

No, no, but I'm saying what you think 5.3, I get a ruler because I honestly think. I know what six inches is. Six inches is this. Whenever you draw dicks on the- Yeah, we were drawing big dicks though, Andrew. We knew that. I know what average penis is. Your one vein on a dick is bigger than most dicks on the... Yeah, we were drawing big dicks though, Andrew. We knew that. I know what an average penis is. I did a whole special about how my boyfriend's penis was average

and how he should be proud of it. I know what an average penis is. Okay, but when you draw a penis... And it's definitely above average if it's... But okay, how many countries do you think there are? Don't look, guys. Don't look. Because I just looked it up

because I kind of didn't know in the world. No, in if we're 59 no in our country how many countries are i know i know i think oh yeah um i'm gonna go with is it's so funny i would have guessed like 240 i think 220 240 195 okay so but isn't it funny that we don't know that can i find out who's 195 on dicks oh yeah that's a good point yeah who is the smallest dicks no is there anyone or who's the smallest on the list yes Yes, that was included, but I didn't want to disparage anyone, so I didn't include it. Oh, come on.

It's fine. What country? Small dicks are not a bad thing. I love small dicks. Especially when it's a whole country. They can put them all together. I believe it was Cambodia that came in last. Cambodia.

Okay. Oh, yeah. I don't want to do the whole Asians have small penises thing. It just is so ugh and tired, and also I don't want to do the whole Asians have small penises thing. It just is so ugh and tired. And also, I don't think true. But if it is, who gives a fuck? What's the size? It's like three.

My whole special is turning into, I just want to do a whole special about guys with small penises and how they should be proud. I posted something on my Instagram yesterday from the Lessa, the account that said, let me see if it's still up there. One second. You know what they should make?

They should make a thing that goes around your penis. That like, maybe like, I don't know, like a dildo, like a peg for your penis, but you don't. They have that.

Really? Yeah. Like, like an extension for the penis. Yeah men can wear yeah they have yeah they've tried everything um they have everything they do feel the i wonder if you could feel like company balessa co on instagram i i posted this on my story i've never gotten so many reactions to something i put on my story than this it It was a tweet from justky1018. It says, when men learn the vibrator is their teammate

and not the competition, society will heal. And I had so many guys writing to me being like, yes, girl, being like, hey, I allow that. Will you date me? And then I had so many girls writing to me, including one who I'm not going to reveal who it was but it's someone um who i think i know personally it's one of those internet friendships that you don't know if you've met personally but um she said uh my boyfriend doesn't believe uh she goes 100 my boyfriend

doesn't believe me i said not okay she goes alpha males are insecure lol i said i won't have sex without them meaning alpha males no meaning vibrators she said i bring it out always the weird thing is every other guy that didn't um want to be my boyfriend never had a problem with it lol i said guys need to understand that these toys do not replace them we need them to make these toys work best i would rather have a guy in a vibe over a vibe alone any day she said exactly and it's a compliment we want to share it with them i said they don't make guys obsolete we need them to hold them and she said yeah i get i get off more often when he's not in when he's involved with you know with the toy she goes my hand gets tired holding it um and then i said it's so nice to have someone do it and she said

and they are learning too i'm all about it um and it just sucks that there are any girls like this girl's like a cool fucking opinionated funny girl that is dealing with a guy who's insecure about that it's just like i think that just sets the stage for a lot of insecurity elsewhere in the relationship it makes me nervous when they're when guys have that hang up but i get it we just need to dismantle it by telling the truth because i think guys just it'd be like if a guy had a fuck doll and you would take offense to that somehow and maybe we don't understand it fully i don't know what are your thoughts i guess if i was having sex with a fuck doll underneath your ass would that probably

wouldn't be they're like yeah i don't know i like to be treated like a fuck doll i know noah's like i'm but what if the guy okay what if okay here's a scenario you're hooking up with the guy he can't orgasm he go he has to go roll over and have sex with the fuck doll to come in front of you hot i would say i would be fine with that too because i would say it's not me it's not because what if the fuck it's no human woman i would go that was no but like look nothing like you well i'm i get your joke but i really do think that i wouldn't care because i would go this guy has been trained to get off with this fuck doll when i haven't been in his life and i he he it's not just my vagina

it's no girl's vagina like this thing i can never be the same vagina as a fuck doll i would never feel i would never feel jealous of a fit of a piece of machinery we're in bed with him yeah or i could kiss him while he's fucking the fuck. Like there's things that I can bring to the fuck doll situation that alone, the fuck doll would not provide for him. Even if it's me muffled in the closet going, like you might like the way that. What if it's every time? I don't care.

Because I understand that men have sexual dysfunction just as women do. Dysfunction meaning we have been trained to get off on our own when we're single with these toys and we've become addicted to porn addicted to toys and are and i've raised the bar for what how much pressure i need on my vagina and how much stimulation i need and it's because of toys and that doesn't mean that i should now have to like like you know it's like salting your food. Like it would be, it's embarrassing. Chefs don't like it when you salt your food,

but it's like, well, bitch, I don't have a chef cooking for me all the time. So I've grown accustomed to really salty food and I'm going to salt this fucking dish and you shouldn't take offense to it. It's just, I have to- Put ketchup on steak, yeah. You should wean yourself off and attempt to,

but it should not be offensive to you that, because he would be with the fuck doll if he wanted to be with the fuck doll. If a guy is with you or a girl is with you they are not if you think they're with you for a reason other than being with you that's a whole other thing but yeah they just trust them to not be with you if they don't want to be with you that's just my i think as a guy i think i have the joke about you know feeling like woody from toy story with all the new dicks showing up. And, like, I think both can be true that, like, I love, like, using it and having it as, like, a tag team partner.

I really do. Yeah. And at the same point, I'm a little insecure where it's like, oh, but I can't do it on my own without my tag team partner who might be better than me at what he's doing. But also, you know that as a guy that can't come, like, needed your hand. Like, can't you just act like it's like that, like the same way? Yeah, and I do. And, like, I would say 80% of me is teamwork all the way. Yeah, you can't help how you feel.

Yeah, it's still a little insecure. That makes sense. So I think, you know, I think if guys can, you could come at guys, well, come at guys, but in that angle of being like, look, I get it. You can still be insecure, but also, well, come at guys, but in that angle of being like, look, I get it, you can still be insecure, but also look at it as a team. It doesn't have to be like, no, you got it.

Yeah, don't be insecure. You're a pussy if you're insecure. No, address that you're insecure, but realize it's coming from places that maybe you need to work on outside of the bedroom, and it's not that, you know. But yeah, not being critical of being insecure playing baseball catch it's like what are you gonna

catch with your bare hands or you need a mitt like a mitt what are you mad at the mitt don't be mad at the mitt I'm catching with my pussy pump it has like a good hollowed out cove that I can catch it right in there yeah that would be hilarious they'd be like okay they'd be like can we make it

Jenna Jameson day instead of this whore? Okay. We got to take a quick break. We're going to come back with Why Do I Care? Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics,

entertainment, sports, and more. podcast dive into john's unique take on the biggest topics in politics entertainment sports and more joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors and with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else ready to laugh and stay informed listen on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts all right we're back why do i care why do i care another story submitted by a couple of besties oh my god i'd love to know this a Swifty scientist names a new millipede species. Millipede!

After Taylor Swift. This got sent to me by Ailey, who we talked about yesterday, who was the one that gave Andrew the advice about the COVID medicine. Ailey sent this to me yesterday. I couldn't handle it because it is combining the thing I love most in the world with the thing I love the least. Millipedes and centipedes are my number one and two and um uh house centipedes millipedes are so disgusting the fact that they move slower does buy them something so what is it called all right so uh this new millipede species is Nonaria swiftae,

which is, oh man, I didn't put it. She goes, because I'm a Taylor Swift fan. Okay, so in his tweet, he goes, I'm a big fan of her music, so I wanted to show my appreciation by naming this new species from Tennessee after her. A high honor. Well, she is also fromessee now uh she is originally from pennsylvania but i love this i would probably do the same thing when i was asked what cardinals

jersey number i wanted i picked 13 because i'm a swifty and that's swifty's that's a number i almost picked 19 because that used to be my favorite number because one nine is dave matthew's birthday but i have let that go funky and so it's 13 I would probably do the same thing I have to say that lately I don't know how to say this my Taylor Swift obsession has been relaxing and I don't know why it's maybe just if i still love her i still consume everything the obsession though is there's just less of a like i don't know what's happening maybe i'm maturing finally i don't know what's going on but i don't when i go i don't need to listen to her constantly i don't need to because also we haven't had a lot of new music in a while and also none of

her songs i'm happy right now so none of her songs besides are really hitting it for me this is a typical pattern with obsession by the way like if you took a graph and you have uh you know like how much you're obsessed versus time the line always shoots up like straight up yeah so you can't maintain i've maintained this obsession for a really long time and you have a new singer in your life and i also have loved are you ready to talk about before dave matthews band and yeah phoebe bridgers i'm very much into right now i've talked about a little bit it's she's not even close to replacing taylor at this point um but i just i'm for some reason I've been really into just new music

and um music really by people who are inspired by Taylor Olivia Rodrigo as well like these are all kind of disciples of Taylor Swift that have come out of uh what she's made. So, and also I'm really into like Girl in Red. I'm into, and King Princess. I'm so into King Princess. I am into Sad Girl Rock, but I am into lesbian Sad Girl Rock more specifically. Girl in Red and King Princess are, and Fletcher I'm into as well.

They're all lesbians. And there's just something badass about these girls who are singing about women. There's this one song that- You like Teagan and Sarah too, don't you? Oh, Teagan and Sarah, I've loved forever. I fucking love them so much. But Girl in Red does this song called,

and I had a dream about it last night. It's called uh girls and she goes they're so pretty it hurts i'm not talking about boys i'm talking about girls they're so pretty with their buttoned up shirts and it's just all about like i know i should be into this guy but of these feelings like she's talking about like i'm supposed to like guys but i like girls i love these songs and it's i think it's not because i'm like into girls or whatever people keep writing me being like are you coming out because i made a post on andrew's post that i said you know i appreciate him being a straight friend to a straight a straight man being a good friend to a straight and then i put a question mark woman i do believe i'm fluid and could be

into girls i don't think that i'm mostly gay or anything like that but um i don't know if you out there have any recommendations of any other lesbian rock i love or like indie rock melissa etheridge i fucking love her she has the song i want to be in love where in the music video she is hitting on jennifer aniston and it's one of the hottest music videos ever um so check that out let's get to our wednesday game which is a wild card we haven't played it for a while it's time for finish my sentence finish my sentence is uh i would sound like i was gonna say brought to you by but it is brought to you by noah's brain today because she was like we should do finish my sentence and uh andrew and I will try to complete each other's sentences,

what we think we would say for each other. And then we will weigh in on how well we know each other. All right. What is the sentence, Noah? Today's finish my sentence is, the bad habit I wish I could let go of is. All right. Who would like to go first?

I'll go first. As Andrew. Yes. Hi, guys. I'm Andrew. Yeah, what's up out there? What's up out there, guys? What's up?

Okay, okay, okay. Here we go. Here we go. I sound pretty cool, man. The bad habit I would like to get rid of is... Putting off calling my mom. Oh, that's a good one. And just like procrastinating on calling my mom.

It's probably the bad habit that I would like to just have lifted. Did I just like figure yours out for you? Yeah, that was yours too. I mean, honestly, it's my Aunt Sally, but yes, I'm projecting. Why is it so hard? Why is it hard? Because my mom's sick. And so it's like- Yeah, it's hard to hear.

It's hard to be confronted with that. Yeah, it's tough. Also, she's sober for 12 years now or so. And you fall off the wagon and you're just a disappointment to her. Why don't you just down a couple fucking white claws and give her a call next? Maybe that'll give you the courage to call her.

I drank too many, I forgot. I white clawed that phone. What do you think about my prediction? What do you mean? Does it ring true for you? Or is there one that you would more like to let go of? No, it definitely rings true. I mean, no, it's so funny that it rings so true because I just had, you know, my birthday.

My mom called me. I didn't call her back. You know, I was dealing with COVID and shit, whatever. But, and then she, you know, the thing that parents do is maybe they won't call you for like five weeks and then they'll call you two days in a row and go, why don't you call me back it's like well this isn't like an ongoing like what are we doing here like this is why i don't at times because now you're gonna make me feel bad because i didn't call back with and then i play that all up in my head and i'm like oh well now i'm holding now i'm waiting too long now i can't call because so many times i've done that

where you know what i found though and maybe this maybe this isn't just advice to you because I know you get it. But I've been such a person that forgets to write back emails, doesn't return calls. And then I wait too long. And it gets to the point where if I do, I have to address the fact that I haven't. And so you just ghost that person. I really have found that saying to the person, either in the email that you write back to, I have an email that I have to write today, actually, to a fucking executive at HBO

who is someone that could give me a TV show. I haven't written back to her because it was just such a big deal. I mean, here's one I wrote to Bill Maher. I'll give you an example. So Bill Maher, I'm not trying to brag, but this is just an example of like, why wouldn't I write back to Bill fucking Maher?

And the truth is, because the ones you don't write back to are generally the ones that mean the most it's not that they mean the least it means they mean the most and you can actually say that if it's true for you so i wrote to him recently hold on let me just pull this up. So he wrote me, and then I didn't get back to him for six days, which to me is a long time, especially with Bill. Were you worried about what he would write back if he wrote? Because of past... No past no well we've had past interactions which haven't gone smoothly on email but we are so past that like he's a

good i feel i consider him like i we sign off like i love you like i love bill maher like he is someone a a dear friend at this point after our trip i said bill for whatever reason i always put off writing you back because i still have you on a pedestal. In parentheses, you're not coming down anytime soon. And then I just keep waiting until I feel like I have time to really make myself sound as cool and as smart as possible. Then it just gets to the point where it seems like I'm not writing back because I don't care, which honestly might be the coolest look possible. So I guess my system works. Kidding. It's so lame of me. But just like I would never take it personally if you want. Oh, he had written me that he had to unfollow me because he had to wipe his Instagram clean and he was like hey I unfollowed you don't

think don't read into it I said but just like I would never take it personally if you unfollowed me I hope you don't take my lag in response as anything other than me being in my own head about being friends with someone who I idolize I said we can talk about all of this and more on the podcast I can't fucking wait to hang out with you again. Thanks for having me. Love you, Nikki. And it just, I guess just being honest about it. Like, even, you know, my Aunt Sally, who I dread every day I'm going to get a call that she's dead. And then I'll regret not talking to this kooky woman who talks very slow, which is hard for me to talk to someone who talks slow. But she has a fucking, she has seizures that make her dog like this,

but she's so funny and so cool. And I don't call her. She calls me all the time. And I always let it go to voicemail. I don't even have a voicemail anymore. Cause she can't, she can't even leave me a voice message. And I think that the solution is to,

she never gives me shit about it ever. But I think it's just being honest and being like, Sally, I love you so much and I get sad talking to you because I feel like I should call you more and I want you to be happy and it

just is you know just being honest about the overwhelming part of it does that something that you could do to your mom Andrew and just be like I kind of get scared that you're gonna give me shit about not calling you and that's maybe why I delay even more and I'm really you know yeah and i've had that conversation before in the past and i've been honest about that i do think also there's something to like putting bill maher on a pedestal or if i put like you know i got back to jake owen like but like why am i not

getting back to my own mother it's like why are we putting these celebrities whatever and i know they're ahead of like people people that really matter to you, and partly is because you don't feel as vulnerable. Because they love you and you know they'll forgive you. Yeah. Okay, let's get to mine. Will you do mine? I think you, I mean, I could have the same one.

So my, yeah. The sentence is, the bad habit I wish I could let go of is, you have to say I'm Nikki Glaser. Hi, I'm Nikki. I'm the one that, you know, say I'm Nikki Glaser. Hi, I'm Nikki. I'm the one that, you know, fucking throws a baseball and stuff,

whatever. I'm having like a whole day. It's like, I have like a key coming at me about like ballpark village, whatever. It's not a big deal. My name's going to be on top of a sign on top of a building that no one will ever see.

Anyhow. No, my, my biggest, um, I would i would say wait what was the word i'm sorry now i forgot the sentence i was going off the bad habit i wish that habit maybe would be maybe being a little too judgmental of uh someone's uh significant other right when I meet them. Wait, wait. Oh, oh, I see what you're saying. Oh, I know. We're not talking about Brenna, by the way. People are going to think I'm talking about Brenna.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, I love that part of me, and I think I'm right. Not looking to get rid of that at all. I 100% know when my friends are in a bad relationship. Within seconds? No, within minutes. I give, you know,

and this is also formulated from watching Instagram stories, you know, collecting data along the way. For someone who's been in bad relationships before, who's been faking it, I just swear, I would say that that is not something I'm looking to get rid of. Although I will say being judgmental in general, yes. I think the bad habit I'm looking to get rid of would be... What about assuming you know the whole story without knowing the whole story i think that's um

again i think that's something i wouldn't want to get rid of because because i do that i'm just saying it's it makes me a good comedian because i can go i it's part of my add i know the whole story which i know the thing is i will say i will admit when I'm wrong so I don't have a problem being wrong and and going the whole way that skill that I have of taking things too far and seeing and like going so far that I like know the outcome years from now you know me saying I don't want to get married because I don't want to get divorced and I don't want to go to Target to have to pick out a pencil skirt to wear to court like that's that's a joke that came from me taking things too far and going like, why are you already divorced? You don't want to get engaged because you don't want to go to pick

out a pencil skirt to wear to court. That's funny. But so I will say that I, there's something to that though. And I agree with you, which is, um, I want, I would like to be better about just leading with love, even in, even when I am thinking that someone isn't right for my friend, that they're dating, just leading with love and knowing that it's not about me. I would like to, I think so often I get into this thing of like how I'm feeling in a situation. Let's say my friend starts dating someone and they're not paying me enough attention or they're acting weird around me. I have to realize that they're not thinking of me.

They're not thinking I'm being weird around Nikki. They're just trying to survive in this weird ass relationship they're in, which I know, but I'm taking it personally. Most of the time when people are struggling in their own lives, everyone else is affected, but they can't handle these little peripheral issues, these little fires that you might be one of them. They're not thinking of you because they have a whole fucking smoldering thing to take care

of in their own life, and they're struggling. They're just trying to keep their head above water and they haven't even begun to address the problems of this relationship. So everything else is affected and they'll get to those things when they address this bigger thing. But it's not about you. And I think that my bad habit

that I would let go of is to be less selfish, which I'm always trying to do even though Nikki Glaser Day is coming up and this is a Nikki Glaser podcast and Welcome Home Nikki Glaser is coming too. And my tour One Night with Nikki Glaser is now Listen I only put my name on everything

because it is, it's not about me being like, you guys know I don't really like myself. I have bad self-esteem. I can't even watch myself. It's about me wanting to make more money. It's a branding thing and I want to make more money so that I can do more good in the world and lend my money to friends so it's not selfish but i will say that in conversation i can sometimes talk too much on this podcast i can talk too much and i would like to be a better listener

final thought it's just funny though it's like like branding like that you know tom brady does it trump obviously does it but it's like you have to do it Tom Brady does it. Trump obviously does it, but it's like, you have to do it. It's not, it's not, it's not. No,

I'm making good financial decisions for myself. It's like, what are you supposed to do? If I put my name on, and I didn't want to put my name on everything initially when I wasn't good enough, but it's, it really is about me. If I put my name on things, more people know my name equals more opportunities,

equals more money, equals I'm going to survive the apocalypse and I'm going to be able to support my friends and family who don't make as much money. That's really how I look at it. And I've said this before, but you watching the e-show, besties out there,

which I just learned there's still 700 million cable subscribers in the country maybe it's 200 million fuck it's crazy it's so many more than countries yeah or yeah and that many countries um i read this article about the um why talk shows don't work on streaming services um let me just look up this number uh how many cable subscribers in the u.s i didn't know this see i thought no one had cable anymore you know we're cutting the cord we're all going streaming uh there are you would say oh go ahead 70 million cable subscribers still in the u.s i yesterday i read it was like 200 million. I really did.

And I think it's more like 200 million. If to compare that, Apple TV has like 12 million subscribers. So when you're in a streaming service, and that's Apple TV compared to Netflix, I'm sure they don't release their numbers, but Jon Stewart's show got 40,000 views the second week.

The first week it got like 70,000, which is nothing. And the second week it got 40,000 views the second week. The first week it got like 70,000, which is nothing. And the second week it got four, like it, so. And YouTube views he gets is like a million, but still. I mean,

his, I don't know. I've said how great his fucking shows. Netflix just had the lowest streaming numbers in first quarter or something like that. Yeah, I mean, they up their prices and their content. You know people have a problem with the con like it's just not quality

content i think it's better than ever i'm loving the ultimatum and love is blind was amazing and also uh there's that jimmy seville documentary i've been like consuming so much but um i want to just say that people watching welcome home nikki Glaser, question mark on May 1st. I'm probably going to be on Fallon May 2nd, too. So look out for that. Is about me. Like, I just want people to watch so I can make another season and hang out with Andrew and my boyfriend and my family. That really is not like a money.

Like, when people are like, please watch this thing. It's always about money. I swear to God, I just want to make shows. I just want to hang out with my family. So that's really what you like a money. When people are like, please watch this thing. It's always about money. I swear to God, I just want to make shows. I just want to hang out with my family. So that's really what you'd be supporting. Are you gearing up for the show, Andrew? It is interesting, too. I think about the show, and I'm like, I see like, what's that show?

The Asian show where it's like bling, and everything is so flashy on TV. And I kind of like that our show, you know, it just, yes, we do. We go on our gigs and it does seem like kind of cool when we're like, you know,

performing and there is that like aspect of it. But other than that, it really is like just such a relatable, like we're just regular people. We're not trying too hard to look, you know, like we're just like, I don't know. Sometimes I'm like worried that people aren't going to watch because we're not like you know throwing each other down

a flight of stairs white clawed up that's going to bring something to it no you're right like I had those same worried too because like reality shows are great because of drinking I mean I'm watching the ultimatum and it's like all this shit's happening because these people are getting loaded and doing stuff that they regret I mean so many reality shows are great because of drinking. I mean, I'm watching the ultimatum and it's like all this shit's happening because these people are getting loaded and doing stuff that they regret.

I mean, so many reality shows, the best moments, flipping tables, throwing wine. It's all centered around drinking summer house, these fights without drinking, it wouldn't happen.

And so there's not a lot of like, there's just a lot of, for me, I, you know, there was a lot of like painful things that I had to experience and like tough stuff I had to experience and like tough stuff i had to go through during this reality show um in terms of therapy and talking to my parents about

stuff so there's that but there's not a lot of drama it's just i do think i think i think though you know there's a lot of heart in it and i i really do feel that way like i'm just thinking about like when we're on the dock and we're all talking there's just a lot of family and like and I don't know and I think people are going to get stuff out of that I would hope to think that that is still you know the Andy Griffith show

was kind of that you know what I mean I think like people need that where it's like not yeah yeah okay that's whistling that was something um listen but yeah fucking throw i think like i think that that can still be needed and hopefully it's you don't need to fucking have a flashy bullshit to get to people still and i yes so but also the flashy bullshit is so much about we still the show still moves fast you

know it definitely isn't oh yeah you know just us down by the crick like just like you know the show is manic almost in terms of it's tiktok like levels of fast each scene is like 30 seconds long so it's like in the first premiere you guys are gonna love it so much especially besties are just i don't even worry about them liking it everyone's gonna like this show because you can't it's just funny people doing funny stuff and i'm the least funny of everyone i swear to god and um andrew's like no one's arguing but i was no i'm so i was so like got to be in the background and just let everyone around me be funny it was so nice and it just really feels like i can just be proud not of

my performance as much as like knowing that this was a good idea and casting this because in casting meaning just like oh putting you know these people in my life. Noah's going to be on it. They filmed us doing our live podcast. You guys are going to recognize everyone in this. You're going to know all the stories because we were living this life while we were doing the podcast. And the podcast is going to be all over it. So besties, I really need your support

in getting the word out and getting people on board. The first week, they're going to play the fuck out of this all the time on E! Every single night, they're doing a marathon of the first two episodes back to back so people just get which is the best thing ever have you seen the second one i want to be surprised i want to watch it on the night of um but i want i would love to get together and do like a viewing party or just like get your friends involved because i i want this is the new kardashian spot and it could be the new Kardashians

for you to like comment on and like, you know, just it's not going to be the same as Kardashians obviously, but it's just an extra layer of behind the scenes of my life that I think is not necessarily the most interesting life,

but it is just an honest one and I hope that you guys all like it. I like that. That was good. You know. Oh, thanks, man. Maybe that'll be the tagline like a tagline that's good oh thanks all right well we gotta go thank you so much it's just an honest one oh yeah that's like a john prine song right there oh okay thanks for that t-shirt by the way okay guys uh yeah i got him a shirt uh let's go

we'll be back here tomorrow don't worry about that that. Next week I'm going to be in New York. Come see us this weekend. New Orleans, Fort Lauderdale, Jacksonville, Nashville Sunday. Nashville Sunday, Nashville Sunday. You guys, really, I want to sell the Ryman out. And also, if you go alone and you write me going alone, all in caps, on my Instagram and give me your full name

and what show you're going to, I will grant you a bump up to a free meet and greet ticket, which is usually, you know, $50 or so more. I'll give you that for free, I will grant you a bump up to a free meet and greet ticket, which is usually, you know, 50 or so dollars more. I'll give you that for free. I love you guys so much. Don't be cute. And Jay Cohen. What?

Jay Cohen. Oh, Jay Cohen. Jack Cohen. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.