The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #207 Fanthrax & Warts Only

Episode Date: April 22, 2022

Nikki and Andrew try to dissect her apprehension about listening to fan voicemails. They are always funny and sweet and Nikki can focus on dissecting warts instead. Besties leave messages about anticipating the premiere of Welcome Home Nikki Glaser? Mispronounciations, a questionable co'uhl, warts!!!, a Zoom blunder, Canada border patrol and the life of a retail employee.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's Nikki Glaser. This is Nikki Glaser Podcast. Welcome to Thursday's episode. We're doing something special today. We're going to, we always go through our Fanthrax, which is our fan mail that we call Fanthrax based on Anthrax that was being sent to people in the mail back in the early 2000s. Don't know how we got there, but we got there.

And I'm joined by Andrew, of course, and Noah. Andrew is nine floors below me. Noah is nine states away from me and feeling pretty good. We already did one podcast today that this is actually being recorded on Wednesday because we are traveling to New Orleans today and then Florida this weekend. I sound bummed about it, but I'm loving zeroed right now. Loving, loving, loving. How are you feeling about it, Andrew? I feel good. I just hope that I'm in the clear. So I don't know. We'll see. You got clear. You have TSA pre and clear.

That's true. But I don't know about a cleared nostrils. We'll see. I mean, it's so funny because like I have this test here and I'm just waiting because I don't want to go too early and find out I still have COVID. So I'm like... Right, right, right. Well, if you have COVID, you could perform with a mask on. You could skip the meet and greet. We could ask the front rows to put on masks. People can wear a mask if they feel scared.

It's a theater show. No one's getting close to me. I feel pretty strongly that I'll be. And it says 15 minutes. You have to be within six feet of someone. And you're only on stage for 12. So boom, we protect everyone. I guess I'll go short just to save lives.

My own. Last week in Houston, it's going to be hard to beat that club. It's called 713. and it was so nice they they gave me a jacket with my name embroidered on it and then on the back it said eat a glaze in the moon kings which is my dad's band this guy Artie shout out to Artie there who does all like the talent relations he got a cake for Andrew that we decorated and Andrew shoved his face in, which was hilarious. I'm sure you saw that on Instagram. He got me a picture of Luigi.

I mean, it was just like so above and beyond. It's so funny how those little things can make you, they make all the different, venues never do that stuff. And it's like, this guy has an idea. We're going to do something different than most venues. That just doesn't happen and and i wrote my agent saying you know he wrote me and was like it's so cool you're doing this going alone thing he saw my post about if you go alone i'll give you free meet and greet he was like that's so lovely and i go and he was like how was your weekend happy easter and i said you know? It was a great weekend all around. I got to say,

Austin, that theater, the Paramount, was one of my favorite. Those two shows were two of my favorite shows of all time. But Houston, I was in the best mood

because I scooted, I rode a scooter on stage because they had a scooter because the hallways were kind of long. So he brought us this little electric scooter. And all of those gifts

really make it stand out to me and i said you know what nick my agent's name is nick i said we are going back i want to stay loyal to houston because they put in the extra effort to make me feel really good and i want to honor that it's just it was really nice it's like when those guys at the casino gave the guitar and the and the putter and it's just i don't know it's like you know that was i'm just kidding it was i'm just kidding it was in new york i remember it was because it was something like i know del taco yeah it sounded like del taco it was del del got got got oh fuck sorry guys i guess you gotta send us another putter. Yeah, honestly, I could use an amp.

No, that was so nice too. I mean, these just, you know, little gifts and it doesn't have to be that much. I mean, I got a card from a bestie this weekend too that I haven't opened up yet because I'm just not ready for those kinds of feelings. I always get nervous on Fanthrax Day, I got to say. I get nervous hearing voice memos, even though they're always nice

and they make me in the best mood. Why is it we avoid things that make us feel good what is going on here like I feel good in the moment when I hear them I feel like I just don't I just am scared there's gonna be some sort of

criticism laced within even though I know Noah is very aware of weeding out any kind of thing that might bum me out we never get those kinds of voicemail by the way I know everyone's very aware of weeding out any kind of thing that might bum me out. We never get those kinds of voicemail, by the way. I know. Everyone's so positive. What am I scared of?

I just, I don't know. I think what it is is, one, you might feel like you don't deserve the love. So you don't want to. Or at least that's what I go through sometimes. Like if I get too much praise, I'm like, I don't deserve this. And then you're not going to react the right way they might not say I'm adorable yeah dainty and adorable and oh my god no one cracked me up the other day yeah I think you're right actually Andrew it's it's a self-esteem issue because

I'm scared they're gonna say something that might I might take like they just might say something that makes me you know people compliment all the time and i walk away from it being like it wasn't exactly what i wanted it's just so stupid and it's all my own stuff but it's it's both you know it's this addict idea that you hear in 12 step a lot of um addicts tend to think they're the piece of shit at the center of the universe so it's like you think you're great but you're also like it's the idea that like i can't watch myself do comedy but i can make people say that i'm top 10 in the world like what the fuck i don't know i have to post a thing today i got um a i'm gonna say what noah made me laugh about but because i put a bookmark on that

killing me but i do have to post a reel on my i got asked to do like a promotional thing on instagram for this uh like wireless company and i they sent the offer and i was like i would do it for more and i just don't want to do a static i don't want to do a post i'd write i'd do stories all day but no post and if they can't do it like I just am embarrassed to do posts and they got the money up and I think it came back they were like we got you to we got this this this but it I thought that they probably eliminated the static post but they didn't and so now I'm like signed this contract that I have to post a thing and I had to write this monologue the other day memorize it get lighting and like it was a lot of work and I feel like sometimes you

get paid so much for these things and you go my god my God, my life is so easy. But I was like, no, I put in a fucking lot of work. So I got to post that later today. And I'm so embarrassed. I'm just gonna post it and not look at the comments because I'm sure people are gonna be like, look at Nikki, like shilling herself out for whatever. I'm gonna spend it on good things like 14,000 eye masks I ordered from from amazon i'm not joking you 16 eye masks all different kinds i should do a video of it but noah you made me laugh the other day when you know whenever i send you files or like ad reads or whatever i write like thank you and sometimes i like pile on the appreciation because i just know that i've sent you like a bunch of

bullshit and you got to whittle it down to 60 seconds and it's just like oh this girl works so hard and I just don't even see most of the work you do and so I think I gave you like the compliment that we talked about like that you really like and then so you wrote back you're like thank you so much I know you're like so busy and everything and then you wrote another email going and say and you are and it was adorable you said something like that was so cute and it did make me feel good even though i've asked for that compliment i like it when i get it still chris said it yesterday when we were practicing throwing he was like by the way you are so adorable and i was like yes he doesn't even know that i said that that was my number one it's so nice when you get

it um yeah so that was a nice moment um anything else going on in your worlds today no just a boring fucking day you know just a hang day brenna actually took off work so we're just hanging oh nice does she does she have coco she tested negative for coco but she has symptoms for cocoa. So, you know, the patient has now become the doctor. So now I'm... It is interesting. You just like give it to each other back and forth. I guess that's what immunity does. It builds it up so that you don't get it again right away

because everyone you have, you know. That's cute. It's fun to take care of someone you love, especially that she just took care of you, I'm guessing yeah she was like insanely nice to me like yeah it was uh it's very special when someone i i just a facial for some reason is like the nicest thing i think a woman can do for a guy if he's accepted it's just like seven steps of love it's like wait i have a question for you you know what i mean it's just like so touching and so like. How do you.

I don't know. It's amazing. How does she do it with your beard? Because I feel like that takes up half your face. You only have like this much skin. Yeah, it's half the job. Well, you could dig into the beard. You can get in there with stuff.

I think women think facial hair makes the face like completely. There's still like a scalp underneath yeah yeah like sometimes she'll like ignore the mustache here i'm like you could get in there that's where that's where the real fungus like that's where the shit happened build up but i think you're not washing that out at all that's probably is build up in there oh that's where all the build all guys build up goes inside their beard yeah yeah it's disgusting they're fucking maggots i don't think chris would let me do a facial on him he would just be like i got it you don't need to do that

like trust me i'm like that too like even when massaging him and he's just like no i'm good when they're pressing the face i like lean into it and sometimes it can be too cold like she was using that cold stick i I love giving massages. Yeah. So much. It's the best. I love. Oh my God.

We had that bestie who, if you're just joining the show, you're going to be freaked out by this, but I'm into just like operating on people's warts. It's just like my dream. I want to do it. I know it's so disgusting, but we had a bestie who I,

God love her so much. The cozy wall is her name on instagram she is was in vancouver and was like i have one for you it was she sent me pictures of it i was like so excited and i see her the meet and greet but andrew couldn't make it to those shows and i couldn't be a weirdo bringing this girl like without a accomplice to be like nikki's weird this is her thing like i needed someone to be there to be like to like kind of make fun of me like a friend to vouch for me go and cut off the war yeah like my with my opener john and his girlfriend they would have been like what are you doing but this girl was like you can do it and i was like girl i thought about ordering scalpels i was gonna take samples with me but i decided like

i can't do this because it's you know what it felt like i told her it felt like exactly like being on the road and being offered you get to cheat on on the hottest girl in the whole like you're number one and you go i just i want to so bad like i it's all i've been thinking about i've been like dreaming about like i have this opportunity to like this is like my dream i'm wanting to get warts just so i can it's like all i do at night is watch videos of these things. Like I'm a weirdo, but it's just so, it's the number one satisfying thing to me in the world. And I just couldn't do it because it's too weird.

And I felt the same way men must feel when they're like, it'd just be wrong to do, even though I want to. It's thank you for offering. I just can't, but I am going to be thinking about this so much. And I really relate. I mean, I don't want to say that's how men feel when they get offered pussy but i'm guessing it is there is a part of men that it's uh and women too where it's hard to turn down a thing that you may have like been dreaming about but you just can't because it's gonna it's gonna make you look too bad sometimes you get a two for one well she said she was gonna

sign a document that said even if i like hurt her she wouldn't be able to sue and i'm like can we get that notarized in canada like i just i also am scared of doing something wrong with it and then she goes what about if you just tell me what to do to it and then i'll film it and i was like are you you are the best like the fact that i found someone who like is coming up with a way for me to like i thought about paying people on reddit to do that to the things that they post on there like i thought about being like can i pay you it's so weird but i just can't maybe you could do something where like it's like you do like some kind of vr thing where like you could put on i don't know i'm sure there's

some kind of virtual reality where you i mean where you could put on goggles and be your hands well there's these things you know what i saw on jealous on tiktok so many people are into pimple popping and all this shit so there's these like they make like skin things that you get to i know that people can pick and so i think there might be maybe a wart thing that you get to pop. I know that people can pick and pop. So I think there might be maybe a wart thing that you can perform surgery on. I'm sure there is. No, there's only like two or three of us. Most people in the warts subreddit are just there to like treat their warts

and talk about like how much they suck. And then there's others like us that are like, film it. There's like three of us. Let's do a Google search though because there's plenty of doctors that do. Are you kidding me? I've done, I know everything.

So then why is there no like cadaver ward thing that you cut out and practice cutting? Because you have to be skilled to operate on the human body. They're not just going to give a random girl who has a podcast a cadaver to fucking slice up. No, not like a real cadaver, like a fake. Oh, like a fake. Because people would have to design,

the need would have to be more than, oh, you know, like practice ones for gut. Hmm. Oh, God. Maybe there's some dildos that come with general works. But here's another thing. I like the blood supply. I like when it starts bleeding.

That means I know I got to it. Like it needs all of the things of being in a human body. Okay. We got to get to Fanthrax. This is disgusting. We need the tears. Yeah. Let's take a quick break and we'll come back with Fanthrax.

Andrew! I'm coming over here. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors.

And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome back to the show we are not talking about what we were talking about before we are moving on to fanthrax it is an all fanthrax episode this is a abridged episode but we're gonna get to it no what's our first fan oh let's do the theme song oh yeah We'd be remiss. Here we go. Alright. I wasn't frozen. I thought you were frozen. I know. You just held it man. You're fucking metal

as fuck. I'm fucking Hellraiser. Alright our first voicemail. Hellraiser is from Nikki. Hey guys. It's Nikki. Hey, guys. It's Nikki. And I wanted to share an embarrassing kind of confession that I feel like is sort of similar to Nikki not wanting to share her favorite ordinary serum with us because she's scared it'll run out and there won't be any left for her. But it's about Nikki's show coming out on E! May 1st.

Welcome Home, Nikki Glaser. Obviously, I'm super stoked to watch and I will definitely tune in. I feel this. I know where this is going. I'm nervous and upset about it. Because I'm like, oh no, now all these people who aren't besties are gonna watch and there's gonna be like so many more people into Nikki Kleeser and it's like less Nikki for me yes which of course um is absurd and saying it out loud is even more ridiculous for me now but um I wonder if other besties feel the same way too that that like now going to be less Nikki for everyone else.

Either way, we'll support. Love you guys. Oh my God. I relate to this so much as a Swifty. I really had to give this up because I share her with the most amount of fans, but I really, I really relate to this.

And let me just tell you from the person that you're worried about losing out on, I don't necessarily think it'll translate to as many more podcast listeners as you think. And if it does, that's great. But the podcast listeners will always be more special than any other of my fans from any other thing I do. So you'll always have that and you can always say like you're my bestie and you can say I was here from the start and um and I will never yeah I just but I but I completely understand that feeling it is flattering that you have it for me but there is enough of me to go around and i promise i won't change i will do everything i

can to not change and be like different if i get more famous or more fans or any of that stuff that i always fear about when i love um certain people even my friends who have become famous i've been like i have to share them with their fans you know things like that so um i she also i work very hard to not let uh you know forget the people that liked me first she uh compared you to like a 15 serum so i want to get i will take it that serum has changed my life great and that it's really seven dollars but i know i thought it was seven i really did think it was seven and I put it to 15 to make you feel better. Oh, my God. Her voice is so soothing, too. Oh, it's very like-

I like her name. Red Shoe Diaries. I don't know if you remember that on Cinemax. Is it Red Table Talk? No, I don't know Red Shoe Diaries. It was very- That was sexual. Yeah, yeah.

That was like whatever- It was on HBO, right? I was a little jerked off, too, as a kid. Cinemax. Cinemax, yeah. It started with a girl reading a story., as a kid. Cinemax. Cinemax, yeah. It started with a girl reading a story. David Duchovny was in a lot of them. Oh, yeah.

He's a sex addict. Yeah. He came out as one. Probably fit that role. He's a method actor. And his voice is very sexy. It's like this. Californication.

I wanted to be him so bad. I wore all black and stuff. What's that? Really? When you watched Californication? That was your first guy that you your first he was like my hero like i think he's the one that like made me feel like i wanted to be whatever an artist or whatever like a cool i never saw that show but i know people loved it the first what about what was he yeah he was a fucking complete degenerate asshole who fucking, like, he had a wife and a daughter that he, I don't know, he just fucked everything.

And he was like. And you were like, that's what I want to. Well, he was like a real artist. He wasn't like cheesy. Like, he was like fighting the urge to write books. Like, he didn't want to do it, but he was so good at it kind of thing. I don't know. And he was funny.

He was a piece of shit and that wasn't like when you were 17 though this came out when you were like 37 yeah yeah yeah yeah very big inspiration no it probably came out when i was no it came out when i was 32 no no no 27 or 22 to 97 californ. Sorry, I'm still on Red Shoe Diaries. California-cation, if I had to guess, I'm going to guess 2014, 15 years ago. I'm guessing 2011. 15 years. No, 2008.

I'm guessing 2011. 2007 to 2014. Oh, wow. Yeah. All right. Because I was still doing real estate when I was reading. That show was on forever. Jesus Christ.

The first episode was great. Maybe I got to get into that show. I got so many old shows that I got to go back to, but we got to keep going with Fanthrax. Let's do it. Oh, yeah. All right. So on the topic. Six feet under.

On the topic we were just talking about. All right. Here's a voicemail from Kate. Hey, Nikki, Andrew, and Noah. This is Kate from Baltimore. I have a mispronunciation for you guys. So I am 30 years old. And until last year, I always thought that the Heimlich maneuver was called the Heimlich remover because you're removing what they're choking on. Yeah.

And so, yeah, I mean, it was slightly very humbling when I figured out that I was very wrong. And I just have to say, I work in the medical field, which I know is a little alarming. But Nikki, I work in dermatology and um anytime we treat a wart which is like multiple times a day yes I think of you and I just like think of how much you would enjoy it if you were sitting there watching what I was doing oh my god I would love it love you guys love the pod um and Jack's my boyfriend's name oh that's a good one um yeah that mispronunciation is great.

I don't begrudge her not knowing. It would make more sense calling it the Heimlich remover. I wonder if there's a dermatologist in St. Louis that can let you shadow. Maybe a little shadow program for old Nick. Maybe we could figure that out. I don't know with HIPAA, but is HIPAA HIPAA? Yeah, well, there are a lot of dermatologists on YouTube I don't know with HIPAA but I just feel like yeah well there are a lot of dermatologists

on YouTube who film these things for creeps like me and their patients are totally fine with it because they sign a consent form being like your foot can be on it

and their face isn't in it you know sometimes their voice is because the doctor's like talking to them while it happens I wouldn't be able to do it though I'd have to get like

actual training or I'd have to have someone like that girl like let me sign a document. Just put glasses on and a coat. I need to get some planner's warts. I have a suggestion. Okay, what? Next time you do the family constellation,

bring up the wart topic. Yeah, why is this so a thing I'm into so much? Maybe someone in your family? It's a hill you can't climb. Yeah. Little hill. A little tiny hill. I remember being a little girl.

My sister had planter's warts because little, no, it's flat. Planter's warts are flat. They're not ever. Just want to make sure you know. I did know that. Because at the bottom, they push in and they go deep. But my sister had them when she was a little kid. And I remember we were climbing in my cousin's attic.

And there was a nail sticking out. And it hit one of them. And I was just like, oh. And it was bleeding. And I wanted more. And I remember that was the first time. I was probably seven. And I was so into it.

So it was a thing that started young. It's probably deep in my DNA. Who knows? Next Fanthrax. There it is. Okay, next one. I think we just uncovered everything. That doesn't explain it.

Most people would just be like, ew, your sister's foot's bleeding. No, that explains everything, man. That's it. That's everything, dude. All right, here's Catherine from Canada. CC. Hey, hey, it is Catherine from Canada, a.k.a. Nikki's favorite name, a.k.a.

The Cozy Wall. I got to meet her the other day in Vancouver. If you have a chance to see her on tour, do it. Oh, my goodness. It was so amazing. And being a bestie, you will understand so much more than anybody else in the room. Lots of really great tidbits in there. Yeah.

I just wanted to apologize, actually, on behalf of all Canadians for our customs officers. Oh my God. Any experience that I've ever had coming back into Canada has been brutal. They are the biggest dicks, even to their own citizens. They make me feel like i'm doing something wrong and then i'm a criminal every time so i just wanted to say that it's not just you it is everybody i actually adopted a puppy a few months ago a rescue puppy came up from texas for me and i had to cross the border to get it and bring it back in and on the way back they

searched my car three times grilled me for 45 minutes took my sleeping toddler out of the car to search her car seat and the dog's crate they thought i was smuggling drugs in so i just wanted to say it's it's not you it's everybody and it really sucks i know they're just trying to keep us safe, but it's a little bit overboard there, Canada. Anyway, love you guys. Don't be cut. And Jack and Rose. He could have fit on that door.

Oh, he could have. Oh, my God. That was the girl with the wart, you guys. That's the cool girl with the wart, Catherine. What? Yeah, that's Cozy Wall. That's fucking Cozy Wall. Yeah, that was really weird.

I didn't even mention her wart, but that's the one. So she's awesome. awesome and yes that is in vancouver i got so many not only from katherine thank you so much for that by the way very validating that it's like i thought you were gonna be like they were nice to me um so nice to hear that it's not just me i got so many messages about air canada being dicks and about the border patrol Canada being dicks. So it's not just me. It is a thing and it felt so good. And there was apparently a guy who sued

some French Canadian because you know Quebec is the only place that there's like a lot of French speaking Canadians. I think I could be wrong, but it's mainly yeah Quebec. Yeah, but they make Air Canada do french every single announcement so you know the announcements on planes they take twice as long because they have

to do french too but we're in vancouver there's it'd be better to do chinese there's not as like there's many chinese people in vancouver not as many french i could be wrong about that but um i got told that there was a man one of these french canadians who sued air canada or uh because he did they didn't do the announcements in french and he like did this big lawsuit was just a dick about it and there is this like battle in canada of like god we now we have to like honor the french even though it's just one little part of our thing it's a very interesting i also think like it's funny when like these people at the border because you know they can you know they get in trouble for uh what's it called when

you know you're picking someone out because based off their look profiling yeah they're profiling so like in this instance they're like they like for one out of every 10 of those they have to stop like a baby and a puppy and check its asshole for like cocaine just so they can then profile 10 other people for you know it's like no but we stopped this this woman with a you know a baby rescue german chef you know what i mean it's just like yes they do it to make up for the like being a complete asshole to 50 other people you know unfortunately it's unfortunate that like most of the time profiling in those circumstances work like people like but you know they also know that isis or whoever is capable of hiding and radicalizing young girls with a child in a wart that a comedian

wants to get at yeah they check the war for another adopted dog yeah it must i mean i'm not someone who gets profiled so it must fucking suck that yeah it's like the that's you know i'm surprised i don't get profiled more i think i have like a i can pass for middle eastern having pre-check helps because you go through an intense one and they kind of let you go they don't go as crazy but yeah i mean i don't go as crazy but yeah i mean i don't i wouldn't even know what it's like but it yeah it sucks even when like you see your bag go through the thing and then the bag waits and it's either gonna go to the left or right when it decides like i hate when they have to search my bag and it's always just some fucking

zevia that i snuck in there from the green room and forgot to take out and i go and the guy goes what is this and i go it's really delicious i know you guys like can't eat this stuff because it could be a bomb but like you would like it a lot and it's like 3.99 for a can sometimes all right let's get to the next uh bad drag that okay here's uh a quick story from andrea andrea hi noruki. I wanted to share with you guys a really cringeworthy Zoom blender that I had. I was graduating with my PhD over Zoom alone in my apartment, which was really sad. But I had figured out how to get my family on one computer Zoom, which was facing me, and the graduation Zoom, which was on a screen behind me. So when it came time to open the Zoom with the faculty and the other grads in my department,

I didn't realize that it didn't automatically mute me. I was all nervous and emotional, so I didn't check. Anyways, I joined that room and then turned to my family Zoom to tell them in Spanish that all those faculty members that they could see hated each other and look how miserable they all are. This is how they've always been. It's such an awful place that people are awful, et cetera, et cetera. Anyways, I turned around and realized I was not muted and just about died. Did they speak Spanish? Thankfully, I don't think anyone that speaks Spanish was on the

call and by that point they really couldn't do anything except give me my degree uh so i was okay yeah it was mortifying oh i hope i never have to see any of those people again in my life anyways i just wanted to share my cringy zoom moment um You guys are awesome. Thanks. I bet they could just tell from her tone though. She's mocking us. Yeah, it's like... You know? And there's some kind of like,

sometimes you do Spanglish and it's probably like that red shirt cunt. You know? And they say her name like perfectly in English. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Left square. Like Rosa de Blasa, Nicole's a whore. Yes. Oh, my God. But thank God for being bilingual because that would have been horrifying had they understood completely. That's why you got to spit the geek to the good, but the girl with the gish. There's got to be nothing better, though, than when you get that graduation paper and you can finally be completely honest with your professor even though nobody really talks shit to their face but just that feeling that you that you have

no more connection with them that you have you don't have to kiss day did you when you graduated college they still caught me what you graduated college right you got the yes i still have dreams that i don't but didn't but yes i did me too all the time i'm not even kidding i'm not kidding it's as if i live in a world where i think more about not graduating in my dreams than i do about graduating in my real life. So it's as if I haven't graduated. I'm haunted by them continually. You know, I called Tulane University and I go, hey, can I get my diploma?

Because I don't believe I got one. I don't believe that because I lost it. And I just don't believe that I... Because I cheat on everything. I didn't walk, so I never got mine. Yeah. I didn't walk either. I walked at a fake... I told you this.

I walked two months before when I didn't have enough credits. I didn't. They gave me an empty diploma. I walked. My parents were there. I had no diploma in there. So I just had nothing in there. Everyone's like, why the fuck did you walk?

Was it a blank sheet? It was just a blank sheet. But they rolled up a blank. It was like a napkin with silverware in it? It was like a table setting? It was like a blinder kind of little thing with nothing in was like a table setting? It was like a binder kind of little thing with nothing in it. Oh, I think they give you a scroll, right?

No, I think they gave you a binder. Isn't that usually what it is? But all I know is- Isn't an owl in a fucking hat give you a scroll? I don't remember. Yeah, I think Ellen was our speech person, actually. But anyhow- Really?

Ellen gave your speech? God, I wonder how much you made for that. I bet she made $70,000 on that appearance. actually but anyhow really ellen gave your speech yeah i wonder how much you made for that i bet she made seventy thousand dollars on that appearance yeah i don't remember i was so hung over and like shaking and crying in the back oh my god you can't even remember if she danced and said be kind fuck dude and then yeah so i called him and i got the diploma and i was like okay i guess it really did happen but i But I still have dreams that I never graduated. Yeah.

Yeah, it's weird. I think those are very common. What did you major in? English. Because I was already fluent and I had AP credit and I just wanted to do comedy and I just was like, I'll pick the easiest thing. And it turns out it was not easy. It was English literature.

It was like hard. Yeah, you had to read the whole book. I just had to read stuff, but I never read a single thing so what did you do go online spark notes and i would just you know find excerpts to support these loose arguments that i would make um but i did well it was just a very it was a it was an education in bullshitting you know phoning it in same you know um but i did use that degree because i was a teacher at one point so that's when i know i got Education and bullshitting. You know, phoning it in. Same. You know. But I did use that degree because I was a teacher at one point. So that's when I know I got a degree because I had to present that to when I was teaching at that Korean prep school.

So it did pay off for that one semester of teaching. But other than that, never have used it. Never have used it. Dude, so many jobs. If you just said you went to like, not the best school, but you graduated, I really think they would never check. I think now in the digital age they do, but back in the 90s, nah, they didn't check that shit. Let's take a quick break and come back with more Fan Freqs. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show,

and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics entertainment sports and more joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors and with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else ready to laugh and stay informed listen on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back.

We're like plowing through these. These are fun. More. More. More. Next voicemail is from Sophia. Hi, Nikki, Andrea, Noah. This is Sophia Bestie from Oregon.

I'm just calling with a mispronunciation story that was on The Bachelor months ago, and I haven't been able to get it out of my head. But one of the contestants in the tell-all said, hearsay, she-say. Ooh! Like implying that it's gendered. Like he say or she say. And I thought it was hilarious.

That is such a good one. And can't get out of my head whenever I think of saying it. Hearsay, she say. And I hear her saying it and want to say it. By the seashore. To give it two different options. Hope you all enjoy.

Jackpot. Jackpot. I love that because it is so it's just taking two common phrases and putting them together very fun like yeah that's hearsay and it's also oh hearsay she say i thought at first she was doing like her like her say she said oh right two different hers it's really yeah he said she said it's not he say she say either too so it's funny that does it does it really grind your gears one hearing grind your gears uh when someone says uh that's what that's what she said no i just go huh it's just it's like it's nice people can make a little joke what about it bothers you i don't huh it's just it's like it's nice people can make a little joke what about it bothers you i don't know it's just so

well it's interesting because it's people get it from the office generally yeah michael scott saying it all the time and michael scott was not funny and so it was a joke made by someone who is classically not a funny person and really dorky so when people do it they're paying homage to if they're trying to actually be funny it's it's a weird thing because you're actually imitating someone who's like was the caricature of someone who wasn't funny but um i don't know sometimes it's it's a good sometimes you catch one that's like really good where you're like oh that would be funny if someone said that in a sexual way. And I think it's an easy way to, you know,

we do that all the time with sexual stuff. We'll be like, and that's, you know, I'll be like, oh, my porn viewing is a slippery slope

and so is my pussy. It's the same thing as that's what she said. You know what I mean? Like, it's the easiest way to make that very similar joke and you and I dabble

in that all the time. I mean, we could go forever like dabble take it you know first of all you know i'm not a a comedy snob i think i'm almost opposite highbrow but i don't know i just feel like sometimes it's way too forced and it's said a lot there was a time where it was said a lot that's what she said oh yeah i mean it's like dad jokes it's it's comedy for people who are just trying to be trying to be funny and don't really know how to be that's what it was funny um

chris just recently asked me it was so cute he was like hey will you because sometimes i write them i'm like hey i want some roast jokes like sometimes i make appearances on things and they just want me to roast the people on them and so i I'll just write, you know, Andrew, Emil, Chris, Tim, his brother, a bunch of, you know, all my friends that I know are just probably available if they can. They're great at writing quick jokes. And Chris is really funny. And I write him, like, hey, just roast jokes based on these.

And he asked me the other day, he was like, I want to be there for you in those moments. And sometimes I'm, like, not free, but, like, I know, like, how – I obviously understand jokes. He was like, I want to, I know like how I obviously understand jokes. He's like, I want to like learn how to write roast jokes. Like I want to be good for you in that way. And it was really sweet because I was like, oh, I would actually love to teach you. Like it would be fun to give a class on how you take this little germ of an idea and turn it into an actual joke and what that process is.

I just love that. And it's kind of similar to how he taught me how to like throw and stuff. Like, it's just, Oh, like it's fun to teach things and it teaches you like it teaches you something. I don't know.

I've never taught comedy before, but I guess there is an art to it. Yeah. It was cute for him to ask. We both took classes. I mean, you know, a lot of people,

they always go, how should i get into stand-up take a class it's okay it's not yeah it's you don't have to be too cool to take a class just learn joke structure and i always tell them start start with the most embarrassing story about yourself and work out from there i think that's good that's a good place i always say don't ever try to write from your perspective. Just write for someone else. And that's better advice for someone like me who I like a homework assignment. And I do better at other people's homework than my own.

And I also had no idea what to say. So I was like, just write jokes that you would submit to Sarah Silverman to say. And then just be that. And then just say that. So it was very much helpful for me to not be like, what do I care about? Because I didn't know what I fucking cared about or what I had to say and then just be that and then just say that so it was very much helpful for me to not be like what do i care about because i didn't know what i fucking cared about or what i had to say like write it for someone else so that was my tip but i like yours too i'm trying to think of my most embarrassing story though wetting the bed you know that was probably it and i still don't

know how to really make that funny i've tried too close to it i haven't gotten over it yet sheets are still you've never said that on stage you've never talked about wetting the bed on stage what about i mean that story is hilarious at school when the girl fucking yeah yeah i mean i've told the story but i've never made it into like stand up now i should i mean it's already there you know what i mean i think a lot of these stories they're already it's just it's already you just gotta tell them you just gotta tell them without it doesn't need the biggest twist it's already fucking hilarious yeah no that'll come out in its own way someday for sure yeah it did it's it's like the reason i do everything i think um that in the war all right let's get to

yeah and warts i do everything for warts um Let's get to the next fanthrax. All right. This one comes from a listener named Innocence. Hi, Nikki. Noah. Andrew. Besties. My name is Innocence and I find myself with a new anxiety.

I worry that people are going to think I'm good because I do certain things. For example, I never repeat an outfit. I might repeat a garment, but never an entire outfit. And once I've worn a garment too many times to repeat it, I will turn it into a completely different garment so I can add it back to the rotation. But I don't actually think this makes me cool. I just have ridiculous obsessive compulsive disorder. And I feel like if I don't present the world with an entirely new outfit every single day, that the sun won't come up tomorrow. And I'm wondering if you think you would be able to tell the difference between kuh and mental illness um love everything

you do you've been my like one of my favorite comics since i was a child and i appreciate you oh so very much oh thank you and jack wagon is what i'm gonna feel like as soon as i hit the stop button probably ah i've never even heard of a jack wagon. I like that. No, innocence. Obviously, that is not fall under ka, but I'm glad that you asked. I'm glad that you're keeping the sun coming out every day by changing your outfit. I think it's a, you know, we all have our things.

I have to knock on wood when I say something like, I've never done that. Like, I always have to knock on wood. That sounds like a fun one where you can't repeat an outfit. I used to pray to God and I'd always have to knock on wood. That sounds like a fun one where you can't repeat an outfit. I used to pray to God and I'd always have to be in a different position when I prayed or else it wouldn't come true.

Yeah, these little obsessive compulsions. Yeah, no, I think that if you were like, I can't repeat an outfit because then people won't think that I'm rich and have lots of clothes. Like that would be a different thing. But no, mental illness is never k i don't think even though it may present itself as k yeah it sounds like i mean it's got to be expensive to not be

able to wear the same outfit i mean can he wear the same outfit maybe a week later he won't wear like shoes and the same jeans and the same socks and like he's gonna he's gonna constantly switch it also sounded like he recreates the garment like he uh repurposes it yeah right i would like to see some examples innocence of these outfits i think um i'm kind of inspired i i think that i don't really repeat outfits either ever intentionally i'm never like this is great this shoes and this shirt and this i think i might be good about it i might think i already did this i can't do it again what will people think i know part of me wants uh one of the weekends coming up i want is there a rent to run away for guys no oh i was thinking like i want to start wearing like really loud outfits on stage just as just as like almost like to like test me because i always

wear like the polo fucking stupid you know jacket with jeans like and like i never i've been or a black sweater like it's it's so hard for me to dress up i don't want to like get crazy but something that like where like my problem is every time we take a photo of us on or of myself on stage like you every single show you have this new outfit that you could post and it's like boom like it's just like flashy and awesome and cool as shit and then i just look like you know an old fucking wet towel every single time that is the that's the curse and beauty of being a woman is that you get to change up your look a lot more than men get to um i would maybe implore besties to maybe loan you a loud jacket or something when we go to cities that way you can like just literally

rent it from them you know maybe set up some kind of like run away off at our hotel yeah but i see what you're saying. Yeah, you want to wear louder things in general just to mix up the pictures. I hear what you're saying. Yeah, I mean, it's just like... Yeah, there's nothing more boring than pictures of men doing stand-up.

Like, how did Eddie Murphy... It's so boring. How did Eddie... No offense. I know. Women, it's compelling because we're beautiful. We can do makeup. We can do hair.

We can do all these things. Men, it's always just a t-shirt just like and a cool jacket it's so boring when you're singing you could make like a cool face i mean you made some cool faces in some of the photos this weekend i think maybe it might be about that like doing funny things and getting more action shots now what about because a lot of photos eddie murphy though, wore an all red leather outfit. What gave him the balls and the courage? But he thought that looked cool. Yeah.

He wasn't doing it for laughs. You know what I'm saying? No, I know. But even if he thought it looked cool. Look at Machine Gun Kelly. Look at what he wears. Look at what anyone. You could do anything, Andrew.

No, I know. You would just need to incorporate that style throughout your wardrobe. Should I start wearing an all red leather outfit? I mean, maybe that's going to- Well, just take chances more. I think you love fashion. You should borrow- It could be funny.

You also like my fruit roll-up suit. My fruit roll-up suit. Yeah, that red jumpsuit you had. Oh, yes. Yes. I don't know. This is going to be funny. I was thinking that Harry Styles thing that you were posting, and he's rocking like a disco ball on his body i mean i was my body would look insane in that

same outfit i mean he has the body where he can wear fucking hot what is it about him what yeah he's because he's masculine he's like bowie he's masculine wow feminine and just he just can he's just he's free that's good no he's just confident he looks like he's wearing something that i didn't even think about what he was wearing i'm not even kidding you that like i it's now coming up in my head but it didn't even occur to me when i was looking at those clips that he was in this like sequined like yeah that it was just his his body his face is like his movements it was just so erotic god fuck did fuck. Did you see Shania Twain touch his body?

Oh, I didn't see that. She looked amazing, too. Alright, let's get to the last fanthrax, and then we're going to say goodbye for the weekend. This is a good one to end with. Here's a message from Katie. Katie. Hi, Nikki,

Andrew, and Noah. I'm listening to pod 198 right now record of the year. And I am listening to the part where you guys are asking like what, you know, retail employees actually like tending to customers. And of course, I can't speak for everyone. But I mean, speaking for myself, when I worked in retail, I actually quite liked when a customer wanted to interact with me and wanted to be like, friendly and personable, because I'm a friendly and personable person. And I was actually told quite often to stop talking with my co-workers because I was distracting them and myself. So I was just kind of stuck being by myself all day, just folding clothes. And so if a customer

didn't interact with me, I didn't have anyone to talk to. I was pretty much just like bothering people like, hey, how's your day? And they were like, fine. And just walked away. So, I mean, personally, I really liked talking with customers who wanted to talk with me. I liked being able to actually help them and be like, Oh, there's actually something I'm contributing other than just folding clothes, you know? So I don't know. I just wanted to share that um thank you also talk in my asmrs voice i could um love you guys and jack get that's good it's perfect for someone at work great great great great to know i mean i um i like that because i feel that way sometimes too where i'm really chatting and i get bummed out when someone doesn't want to chat with me. And I just feel like I'm trying to connect.

What an annoying boss, whoever that boss was that told her to calm it down. I fucking hate that shit because you go into these places and they're like, they don't even want you in there. No one's talking to each other. You feel like you entered someone's house. Oh, my God, you're so right.'s really funny that's a bit when you go to a store and you're like am i did i wander into the like am i in a living room house yeah yeah of like a frat house that no one wants to talk to me i don't know uh yeah that's how it feels and i feel like this girl had the opposite of that energy you know what i mean and someone was like actually we're too cool

here at fucking air postal for this yes or whatever no it sucks when someone like just like kind of just make someone feel bad about the way they are like the thing that they because that's just who she is is someone who connects with people and because that manager is so either jealous of that energy that she has and how good, and how this girl might like eclipse her or eclipse him, whoever it was. I think it's that kind of like,

stop doing that. A lot of times it's based in, I can't do it, so you can't. And it makes me feel bad that I can't do it. And it's nice to know.'m gonna i think i'm gonna try to make more eye contact and look for those um employees who are looking to connect and make their job about more than just folding things and like straightening racks because yeah it's nice to have it's so nice when you connect with humans and like have a real moment with a stranger

um whether it be an uber or whatever but um yeah that was good to hear it's good perspective to hear thank you so much for that i also love oh sorry i just love what do you love no like if there's definitely times where like sales people are just trying to sell you shit but then there's other times where it's like they are actually being genuine and stuff and then they try to sell you shit it's fine to go for the sale. You go there and everybody knows your name. Buck Mason. I went in there in Austin. I didn't buy anything.

Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't fashionable and it wasn't crazy enough. How good does it feel to not buy something? Oh my God. I remember when you told me that you were like,

and I didn't buy anything. I felt great. I always fill up my carts and then I just like click out of the window and I'm like, ah, I just saved hundreds of dollars.

Dude, I had a sweater. And nothing's different in my life. I had a sweater ready to go but it was 90 degrees in fucking Austin so I didn't buy it.. Dude, I had a sweater. And nothing's different in my life. I had a sweater ready to go, but it was 90 degrees in fucking Austin, so I didn't buy it. All right, I gotta go, because I gotta go do a podcast with Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil. I'm very excited and nervous. Yeah, how's that working for you? Okay, guys, thank you so much for listening this week. We will be back next week. See you this weekend in Florida, New Orleans, and Nashville, and we love you so much. Thank you so much for all your fan faxes.

We'll see you next week. Don't be cute, and Nashville. And we love you so much. Thank you so much for all your fan faxes. We'll see you next week. Don't be cut. And Jacks. Jacks. Wait, what are those things that you throw Jacks? Yeah, Jacks. Oh, okay. Jacks.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late night legend John Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.