The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #208 Juggling Chainsaws

Episode Date: April 26, 2022

Nikki is in an old timey hotel in NYC and connects with Andrew after lots of tour dates and traveling over the weekend. She needs some clarity on last minute plans with his family, goats and a donkey. Andrew is in an emotional state and Nikki brings up her apprehension about the Nashville gig. In the news they learn about celebrity friendships with wide age gaps, what it's like to live by a golf course, bad home decisions and Nikki doesn't think it's a big deal that Ben Affleck was on Raya. In Top1 Bottom1 they get into a little bit more about their big weekend moments.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am.

Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Let me apologize ahead of time for my audio. I forgot to bring a microphone with me on the road to New York and so that is I'm using my airpods so don't blame me blame Steve Jobs

did he have anything to do with the airpods you think was he around I'm sure he had the blueprints yeah I think he just drew things and then smarter people made them. I don't... I mean, he definitely came out after he died.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, the AirPod? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think he just tried to put a couple of nanos in his ears. One other thing, nanos. I kind of miss the circle thing where... Like that.

Oh, that was a very satisfying click, click, click. That little clicky click. And the Blackberry, the sounds of the clicks. Oh, yeah, the Blackberries. I never did... You had a Blackberry before? Yeah, I mean, I was doing real estate, so... Oh, you had to have one back in real estate.

Right after I got the Sidekick. Oh, yeah. Wait, the one that goes like... Like, over, Roger. Oh, no, that, the one that goes like, like over, Roger. Oh, no, that's the next step. Next step. Oh, okay. Sidekick, flip.

Sidekick, you go flip. You like. Yeah. I love that. When did you get your razor? Do you remember when you got a razor? I mean, that was big. Seventh grade when I started shaving my legs.

No, I never had a razor phone, ever. What? No, never had one. I never had a flip phone, I don't think. Maybe once it had like a little flip over if it wasn't a flip where the the voice part was in the flip it was just covering but you know what i like your first nine texting oh yeah i remember my first phone the the um the ring was I love that ring.

I wish I could get it back. It was unique and no one else had it, and I really liked it. Yeah, T9. I love texting with T9. Do you remember that? I don't remember. What is T9? Is that smart text?

Well, so T9 was, you know, if I was writing babe, I would do 2-2 to get the A-B. Then you wait a second. Then you go 2. 2-2 again to get B. And then E would be 3-3. I mean, the patience we had back then. I could do it so fast. Do you ever do the thing where you kind of just like...

Smart type? I don't even know. You do like... You're on your keyboard. You don't hit them individually. You just kind of go... Like you could like do a... No, I've never done that.

You trace it. I've never traced. And you can guess it. It's like the cursive of computer. Yes. Can you do cursive? Yeah, I'm a cursive guy. I can't do a Z, obviously, or an uppercase Q.

No, you know how to do that. It's just a two. It's whatever. All I know is that I remember I had a cell phone in college, and I would talk to my girlfriend at night for an extra 300 minutes over whatever the amount was. and i just remember my dad being like yeah you we lost our house because you're crying on the phone at night about apparently my divorce to your girlfriend did you cry about your divorce to your girlfriend or your parents

tried to have her feel sorry for me so i could finally get my dick out of my pants. What a lost soul you were. I got to see your parents or your dad in your stepmom's house. We were in Florida this weekend. We drove through on our way from Fort Lauderdale to Jacksonville, drove through and stopped at your dad's house would you did you know that we were gonna drive past it like 10 minutes away from it because you just asked like 20 minutes before we get there you're like oh by the way my dad lives 10 minutes away can we stop like were you scared to ask me a day before like why did you wait till the last second i'm just really i wouldn't say i was kind of confused by

that i don't think i'm scared to ask you i just think that like one my dad's recovered from hip surgery two i'm recovering from covid three i just thought we didn't really necessarily going to have time yeah i didn't know what time we were going to leave in the morning right you know it's a long drive to jacksonville um so i guess all those things included i just didn't think that i would stop and then also i didn't know how long we would stop and whatever. Right, right, right. So then when we got close, you were just feeling it and you were like, oh, this could actually work. And that's why you brought it up then.

Yeah. I was like, I knew how excited he'd be. Yes, he was so excited. He was touched. He got teary eyed. Yeah, it was nice. It was, you know, he, we don't get, I don't get down there-eyed. Yeah, it was nice. It was, you know, he... I don't get down there that often.

Does he really have a farm? It was like a petting zoo, Noah. It was wild. Andrew didn't tell me that before we stopped. He was just like, you want to go to... Like, I love Andrew's family. I just don't... I don't like, like, touring homes.

I just don't care about homes. I just don't care about homes. His home was actually, and I thought their estate was going to be so big that I would have to see everything. It would be like touring Graceland. I would need an audio system to put on that would take me through a tour of it. But it was minimal in a beautiful way, and it was actually really fun to see inside but i

um if you would have told me there were goats and a donkey i would have been like yeah please let's go i'm dying i mean i would think seeing my dad is more important than a donkey but the donkey is for it was a mini donkey someone's parents no offense your parents are great so are my parents but no one ever wants to see parents can we just be like noah wanting to see my parents in arizona really like i just don't understand it i don't care who your parents are i would rather not see your parents is that rude to say yeah of course why but this is rude no it's different because i see my parents once every two years you see your parents once every two days like there's a difference if i'm driving by if imagine imagine we're imagine i'm not saying for you i we

stopped because i you do need to see your parents and i I didn't realize that I thought, but the thing is, if it was that important to you, why didn't you fit it in and ask us sooner? Like, that's what, that's why I was kind of like, if this is so important, why is it coming up?

Like, can we stop at this rest stop to go to the bathroom? Like it was literally sooner than I usually asked to stop for Starbucks. That was why I was like, maybe, maybe there was part of me that was like, well, if I put it on her last second, she'll be more inclined to do it than dread it three

days ahead of. Okay. I got you. You got worked. No, I didn't manipulate you. No, I really... But it is. I mean, I'm not a cruel person. If you go, hey, I never... You literally said, Nikki, you said when I go, do you want to stop? You said, I'd rather not stop. But if we're going to stop, we could stop hey you literally said nikki you said when i go do you want to stop you said i'd rather not stop but if we're gonna stop we could stop you literally said that because i wasn't lying to you andrew i would rather i know but so then i'm not crazy and you didn't tell her there was a petting zoo no but i'm allowed to say no i understand that but i'm telling you why these reactions are happening i get it andrew but that reaction wasn't mean. It was just like, you asked me, do you want to stop? Could we stop?

And I said, I'd rather not, but if you want to, we can. Why is that a bad response? I'm not saying it's mean. I'm telling you, though, that's the truth. That's the facts, though. Right, but that's why you say that you can't ask me until last second. But if you would have asked me before, I could say, you know, I'd rather not, and then you could go, which i realized without you saying was this is

important to me i don't get to see my dad i would do you think i'm that cruel that i would go oh my god we're i didn't know we were going to be 10 minutes away from your dad i literally you never said that even once the whole trip i don't know what florida is so i never knew that if you would have said to me on wednesday hey on our way from Fort Lauderdale Jacksonville we're gonna literally drive by 10 minutes away from my dad's house I haven't seen him in so long I never make it down there he just had hip surgery there would be no doubt that I would have said yes to that no doubt but it doesn't the importance of it is a factor in me saying yes because even though I don't want to see anyone's parents,

when they, when, when my friend, it matters to them to see their loved ones. Yeah. That trumps any feeling I have, but it doesn't deny that I still don't want to see parents. That's ever.

That's fine. I get that. You're entitled to that. But also I'm not, I'm not a heartless. Like, I don't know what you think I am. Like, I just don't understand.

It hurts my feelings that you think that you're saying, because you know what happens is when you asked me last minute, I think, well, this isn't that important to him because I haven't even heard about it. It just occurred to him that his dad is, like, it didn't seem important to me. It seemed like an afterthought. So I'm more inclined to not want to go when you spring it on me last second like it's just like oh i you know i want to get a sandwich from this place we're driving by you know yeah i i don't i don't think like uh there wasn't too much really like the whole manipulative thing. That was kind of a joke, but like there wasn't too much thought put into it in the sense of like,

Oh, I'm going to like try to get to stop. It was literally like, Holy shit. I am going by my dad's and it would be amazing to see him for 10 minutes. And I guess we can do it because it's only 1130. Like literally that was the thought. Like it wasn't,

there wasn't more thought to it. There is. I mean, if I'm going to be completely honest though wasn't more thought to it there is i mean if i'm going to be completely honest though there is thought to like like we're on the road for your stuff like it's your show it's your tour to for me to then go well i'm going to make this about me and stop at my parents i do feel a little reservation there because it's not my place to do that. And that has nothing to do with you as much as it is. It's just like, it's not my,

it's not, you know, I just think the adult and mature thing to do is would be to not wait for the last second because of, I just think I just would encourage you to not wait because of, of you procrastinating that you're scared to ask me about something. That's not my fault that I responded the way that I did. No, I'm not blaming you. I'm not blaming you about it.

I have a question for Andrew. Are you, in general, a last-minute planner? Yes. Do you enjoy spontaneity? But I know that Andrew had known that we were driving past this. I know that it was on his mind. Like this wasn't. I swear it wasn't.

It wasn't. I swear to God. I swear on my life. It was not on my mind. It was not on my mind to stop. I really wasn't thinking I was going to stop. Okay. I really wasn't.

Then that could have been what you said initially instead of I'm scared to ask you beforehand if it wasn't on your mind beforehand. That's what i'm saying when you brought it up when you said oh then you were probably i that probably is a percentage of my brain of why i thought not to stop that's what i'm saying i'm not saying that was the majority of it no i'm saying i'm just saying i i i assumed you had thought of it before 20 minutes before i really didn't I really hadn't I really hadn't and partly

yeah and partly but yes okay I don't even know why we're arguing about this but you don't think it occurred to you because I get it but there were goats and there was a donkey and I don't even know why I don't either I still don't know why my dad's a Jewish guy

from Queens. When did he get the goats? Huh? When did he get the goats? I think they came with my stepfamily. I don't know how we have goats. I don't know who gets. My stepbrother takes care of them.

My stepbrother, Jake, he built the farm. Four or five goats and then one donkey that they just got that the donkey is kind of you can just tell doesn't know if it's supposed to be a goat there's no other donkeys around it and you're just like where do you get a donkey from like craigslist it's just i don't but it was so cute they were so cute and they were they just you know they only care about food they're not like wanting to get pets or anything like that. It's just, it's interesting to see animals that just have no motivation for like affection. Unlike, you know, the dog Otis

and then the other dog Bella. Is that it? Yeah, Bella. Those two dogs are so cute. They're just like dogs. Dogs love pets. Like that's treats to them. A lot of times they say you can train your dog

just by, you don't have to give them a treat. You can just like go like, good boy. And and they that's enough for them to be like oh i want to do that i want to sit again or i want to stay but um yeah i just feel bad when goats they come up to you and you want them to come to you so you kind of pretend you have food but it's such a trick and i feel bad yeah the goat they really they their their eyes are really on the side of their head there i i know they're all you know what i mean like i thought like a goat if you were in front of a goat they'd have no i like you could really stand right in front of if you're really skinny and

they'd have no idea well like horses are the same way right yeah i guess there's no cross-eyed goats i'll tell you that because they're all side-eyed it, I'll tell you that. Because they're all side-eyed. It's wild. I love that your stepmom was like, get on the donkey. Don't actually sit on it, but just straddle the donkey. It'll be fun. And I was like, I would. But I also got bit by a camel that a guy told me to kiss it that seemed to know what he was talking about. So I wasn't going to trust your stepmom about the donkey.

That's a good point. I wouldn't trust her either. But my dad wanted horses. I think that was a big disconnect. My mom is like a Jewish-American princess from Chicago, like city girl, definitely didn't want to own horses and pick up horse shit. And I think my dad always wanted that, and I think that was a disconnect in their relationship.

Right. And now he finally has his farm with his side-eyed goats and it's it's so much work you're right i'm i'm with your mom like i was even thinking about pools and like i was reading someone on reddit was talking about like what's something you buy that you like seems better than when you get it in a pool because it takes so much maintenance um and i would absolutely let my pool go to shit like i just that's just a part of my personality that i don't have is like maintaining things and taking care of things and like today i was on my whatsapp chat with my friends and they were talking about building my friend robin just built her house

and you know everyone's like oh my god that sounds so robin just built her house and you know everyone's like oh my god that sounds so fun you're building your house and i was like i've never felt more disconnected from my fellow man than this conversation there's nothing more i would hate than building a house and like planning where to put things and picking out fabrics and wallpapers. I, I don't like, I don't like it. I wish, I wish that was a fabric of my personality. I,

it's just such a weird thing to, there's so many things I wish I liked. Like even your, your stepmom knowing how to like be like, even Jake, like want your, your stepbrother who like takes care of those animals. Like that's a huge responsibility.

Or, like, tending the land. Or, like, fixing things. Or, you know, I don't know. I'm just someone who wants. You're not like that either, though. You don't really like. No. Those goats would be dead in three days.

Like, they would have drowned in the pool that I don't have water in. I'm glad you got a cat yeah yeah a cat thank god for a cat i mean they're easier than like ficuses they really are pretty simple animals i yeah i'm the same way as you i you know what happens is you build a house it just all these things take too long they They just, you know, and every day it's like, oh, I get to make a new decision. No, that's what sucks. I just want decisions made for me. I mean, yeah.

I mean, look, I bought a condo when I was 25. It had bunk beds already in it. Like, it was already furnished. Yes. It had two sets of bunk beds in it. I didn't even want them in there, but I was just like'd rather have that than not than pick a bed you know i don't know cooking i i mean i i can't i just i would rather i don't understand if you can afford takeout and you don't have a problem getting it why cooking like cooking takes so long and i just it's

that's ridiculous to say, but it just does. It's, I don't like how long. Do you think it could be meditative for you? Like, I mean, these things I guess are, you know, people do them to relax, you know? When I want to relax, I shut my eyes and put a sleep mask on and listen to ASMR. Like that, that's not, like, that's where I really have, I struggle when people are like, you need a day off. But all my friends and I've said this before, they fill their days off with meal prep and cleaning their house and making, you know, fall pots or, you know, cleaning the gutters like and they enjoy this stuff. And I just that to me is a day off to me is just, I want to sleep all day.

Yesterday I got into Nashville on Sunday. We had a, we have at four 30 for a 6am flight. We got into Nashville by our flight was delayed, but by like 1130, I slept all day long, all day long. And I loved it. It was the best. I did the same thing. It's my favorite thing to do.

I really, and as soon as we're done with this podcast today, I am getting, I'm sleeping until I have to do a set tonight. And I'm in New York City. And I resented that

when I checked into my hotel today, the room wasn't ready and I had to wait two hours because I was going to take a two hour, like, I wanted to get this done so I could just nap. What did you do for two hours?

I went and got my nails done and got a back massage. That was honestly the best back massage I've had in my whole life. I was in a chair bent over and I was getting my nails done, sitting like this. The woman was doing my nails. This guy, Jerry, was doing my back. It was the greatest. The thing that I love most is he held one hand like steady on my back like almost nurturing and then

did the other one so it was always like two hands it was great pressure I got 20 minutes the timer went off and I go again again he goes what about 10 more and I'm like okay so I only got 30 minutes but he was I I was like I almost started crying It was like that emotional for me Like it was just so Connected I don't even know how to describe it It was It was awesome

I honestly might go back there after this Instead of taking a nap It was that good Let's take a quick break And come back with more show After this Andrew! Hey here we have

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Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We're back. We had such a crazy weekend. Let's talk about it. Thursday, New Orleans, Friday, Fort Lauderdale, Saturday, drove to Jacksonville, Sunday morning, flew to Nashville. And then today, this morning, flew out of Nashville. Andrew went to St. Louis. I went to New York. I'm on the Today Show tomorrow that's a sentence yesterday and I'm on the Tonight

Show never I was supposed to do the Tonight Show and now it's not happening so if I said that last week I apologize do you feel like you're more emotional in that chair because we just did all that stuff i feel like and maybe earlier in the show that i came off maybe a little too emotional like i feel like i'm i'm in a pretty like emotional state right now i don't know what's going on with

my brain but yeah do you think maybe that's why you're maybe crying in a chair possibly like just tiredness and um defensiveness defensiveness in terms of like you can't um i think i just was craving like a release or like someone giving a fuck about my pain i guess like i just really felt like he felt my pain if that makes sense like he was just like perfectly finding the spot he acknowledged it yeah feeling like knowledge your pain yeah yeah because he knew where it was like he wasn't even like you're really tight you know like sometimes masseuses kind of give you that feeling you need of like validating how tight you are or whatever but it wasn't that it was like just just because he like knew where it was it was like okay like it was just and it was like a release in a way and so i think that's why and i just like yeah i think i'm just like

exhausted and yeah this weekend was a lot i had so much fun last night was a little much but your parents were there right my parents were there my boyfriend was there my boyfriend's brother opened um for me and um he brought his wife and his kid and i just they were all lovely but and that was like no problem at all it was more like there was a festival going on and so there were a lot of people backstage to like meet me before the show and like talk to me and be like and i know a lot of people in nashville so they had backstage passes I didn't even know those people would even be backstage and I get back there and it's just like a lot of people to say hello to and I just kind of before the shows I just like to hang with my family and friends and you know put on my makeup and kind of just like

relax and not have to be like hi oh my god yes oh cool like it's just i just want to get into a like very honest place before i go on stage instead of like oh my god so good to see like yes that is all honest because and i was honest with like i i was honest when I, after I said my hellos, I shut my door to be like, no more. Yeah. But, you know, you just like you, it's just a lot. It's a lot. But I love having, I told Andrew this morning, like having my parents there and like how it affects my set and how it affects me taking care of them before and after. And kind of like being distracted by that is worth it because of

like how much fun they have like anything that could go wrong would still make it worth it yeah I mean your dad being such a music geek yeah being at the Ryman what a geek he is geek is a funny word actually

if you add music to it it makes it kind of cool like he's a music geek but does a geek your dad's a fucking geek so like he loves he loved the rhyme the rhyming he you know the rhyming theater was there since 1890s it's like classic like everyone's performed there yeah it's like pews it's like church pews um i mean yeah your dad loved the history of it you know the fossils in there yes my dad loves fossils he is one um and yeah it was that was great like i love when i can bring my parents along for these things and no matter what would happen like i'm always gonna be like no it was worth it because they got to have fun but it did not I for the first time not for the first time but I really realized that like

I I after doing three shows like you know uh New Orleans, Fort Lauderdale, and Jacksonville where I felt completely free there was no no one I was worried about. No one who I was like, oh my God, if they hear this joke, they might be uncomfortable or mad or anything. Like when you're juggling all those feelings, which I do just try to do a sincere set when my parents and my boyfriend and my boyfriend's family is there,

but it's a little impossible to do, to not be. Because when you do the jokes that you're like, I'm gonna do these anyway, even if it makes them uncomfortable there's still your brain is like fighting it and you're aware of it and you have a nervousness about it that is not there otherwise like nashville was my shakiest show of the and it should have been my best because it was at the end of this run where i had like worked out stuff but it was my shakiest show because I was just, I talked to Chris afterwards. Cause I was like,

just talking about some of my bits. I was like, that was, I was like, it was like, I was juggling chain sauce. Like I was just, it was in my head.

I was, there was moments where I was present and had a really good time, but then I just like, I became overwhelmed with not wanting to get off stage because I didn't want to face people who was if when you get off stage it's so awkward for people they don't know what to say they don't say the right thing um you don't know if you've upset them in some way you made them feel awkward I just want to make everyone feel comfortable so I like kind of just run past them so they don't have to say anything because I don't want them to like,

if they hated the show to like have to be nice. And I just was, I was totally in my head. And then I had to go to the meet and greet was amazing. Cause there were so many besties that made me feel so much better about everything because I just, I thought I hadn't done a good job, but people were saying otherwise.

So I felt great about it. That was the, that's the best part about the meet and greets is that you get to hear from the audience who aren't your family who aren't your friends who just have an objective uh experience as an audience and they're not on the side stage and they're like they don't they don't have anything to compare it to whereas my parents are like well the last time we saw you we liked that one joke better it's just no yes yeah it's just fresh and it's and seeing you live when you don't see like how do i put like i remember seeing you at caroline's perform you know years ago like first time i think i ever saw you perform and i remember you doing like the friday night lights joke and like whatever and i'm just like mesmerized by

you on stage and not to say that i still am not in awe of like how talented you are but you know you just you get used to seeing things like yes so yes so but when you're talking to these people that you know are are there to see you once every two they're like you know it's a it's a big thing yes so it doesn't feel like a certain amount of time or or that joke doesn't sound like a certain thing yeah yeah you know i don't want anyone to ever treat me differently but i do like my mom always is like i cannot believe you did that you're amazing but my mom's more commenting i think on the fact that like i do so much as opposed to like the level of talent that i have it's like like i it's almost like you i i walked a marathon that's like my mom's like i can't believe you walked 26.5 and i'm like but mom it's that that's more of it is like the impressiveness of like the

amount and you know moms are always going to give you the compliments that aren't exactly what you want to hear but if i do know that they think i'm talented but you're right and just like some of that gets lost after repetition and but i am grateful that my family was there and uh i have a boyfriend who is able to tolerate the kind of mouth that i have on stage and the things i talk about like it as someone who has dated people for years and years being the comedian that i am it is not easy to find someone that is comfortable with a they're having their girlfriend talk really brazenly and openly about not only their current sex life and opinions about men and relationships but like past and like it's it is not easy and i'm like

and i know that there are a lot of guys are like i would do it nikki because i get those but it's like you don't know what it's like you think you would want it you don't know i don't think i would be able to handle it honestly like um so it just made me appreciative last night that i even have a boy even though i get nervous doing comedy in front of my boyfriend because I'm just like, I don't want to say something that makes him feel awkward or grossed out or like disappointed. I know, but that's so hard for Stanton to do stand-up. It sucks.

You can't have a governor like that, especially the kind of comedy you do. No, but it's not even his fault. No, no, I'm not saying it's his fault. I'm just saying like, you know, I mean, it's no one's fault other than like, I don't know. No, it's me. I have just saying like you know i mean it's no one's father than like i don't know it's me i have to like because he doesn't um but he's allowed to get disappointed in something i say or like or be like ah that could have been better like he's allowed to do that and i have

to be able to be okay he's proved time and time again that even if he does get upset it doesn't mean he's going to break up with me like i think it goes back to you confronting me about wanting to visit your parents like you asking me and me saying no that could happen i could ask chris did you like the show and he could say no or he could go to my show and he could say no i didn't like it that doesn't change that he loves me that he's not gonna leave me i'm not gonna fire you i'm not gonna you know like just because you don't get the response you want from the people who love you doesn't mean i always go to it means if i say the wrong thing on stage it means he's gonna break up with me like it could lead to that i just go i follow it and i just he's allowed to

still get mad he's allowed to still get disappointed he's allowed to judge my act like he has feelings he can't shut them off i am allowed to um get upset about his feelings too because i can't shut those off but i have to acknowledge that he's allowed to have his feelings i'm allowed to have mine you know talking about my set last night it was like difficult for me because i was i just was like getting defensive but But then I was like, this doesn't, it doesn't, I tried my best. And I think that's just like always a good thing to remember whenever, because I've been spiraling about my set last night,

not just in terms of like my parents were there and Chris was there. It was like, just, I didn't give a good enough show to the audience. I lost it at one point. I got it back, but I just felt like it was like not as good as the Ryman deserved, even though I would have given it an A minus.

I was doing A pluses all weekend and I was just like, ugh. And, you know, even though the bulk of it was 100%, there were a couple of places where I'm like, oh, that was a C and I can't stop going back to those places. Like I keep revisiting them my whole flight. I'm just like going back to that line. They keep just jumping in my head. And I kept telling myself stop in the moment you were doing the best you could like you didn't mean to hurt anyone you didn't mean to be lazy and not really do that joke as well as you could have

you didn't mean to fuck up the order like that would be insane if you meant to do any of those things like you did your literal best there's nothing you could have done differently like there's there was no intention other than doing my best and my best just wasn't what i wanted my best to be and i just have to accept it and it's okay it's not fucking it's not the end of the world and that i that got me through it and then i've now i've like released it it really but it kept haunting me all last night all today this morning but then i was just like wait a second did you want to offend anyone did you want to do a bad job did you want to make these people pay money to see you have a couple jokes that didn't do well no that's insane why would i want that i tried my best who cares let it go so i just have to yeah let it go go back to the massage guy get it one more bit out of your neck.

Thank God I'm going on stage tonight at the Cellar because now I can reset and you're only as good as your last one. But maybe that's why I was almost crying at the massage place because I was just feeling guilt and all these feelings of like, what am I even doing? You just have those moments where you're just like, I'm so tired of listening to my own fucking voice too. I mean,

I am like, you get it. Like, I feel bad that people who love me have to steal that. I have to do this podcast with you. I'm like, Andrew's probably so sick of hearing me fucking talk. Like I just don't want to hear,

but I have so much. I have like nine podcasts to do tomorrow. So, and I know people are sick of me. every time i look on like any post that he makes they're like shut up we get it who is she we don't care and i'm like i don't want to do any of this i'm sorry i want to go away too let's get to the news you heard it here first you heard it here first oh man it's Monday, folks. You know what that means? It is Monday.

Hope you're having all the swells out there in your heart, in your soul, in your lymph nodes. You know you have a lot of lymph nodes. I didn't know that. Armpits. So many. Here. Your thighs, like next year you know you know when you get when you get mono you could feel them all oh yeah they all get like swollen did you ever mono

oh yeah i got mono for my first kiss ironically enough oh yeah it was me the guy that i kissed his girlfriend. I didn't know he had a girlfriend. Damn, that's how you get caught, boy. It was the three of us that had mono after spring break. She's like, did you fuck that girl with the lymph nodes that are big? I was so tired. It kind of feels like right now. I think I'd still have it.

That's how I feel right now, too. I had mono in a fraternity house. It was terrible. But anyways, all right, to the news. Noah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah was terrible. But anyways, all right, to the news, Noah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, baby.

So I found this article interesting because it's celebrity friendships that have like really large age gaps. Oh. So did you know that Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett, sorry. Yes, that's like the widest age gap.

Okay. Jennifer Aniston, who is 53. Wait's like the widest age gap. Okay. Jennifer Aniston, who is 53. Wait, hold on. Let me guess. And she is friends. She was in Friends. That's all I wanted to say. I don't know. She's in Friends with...

God, who does she hang out with? Is she in Friends with? This one I was surprised. Okay, 29-year-old. 29? Selena Gomez. Oh, yeah, okay. They both probably still drink some wine and laugh and stuff.

I can see them being friends. I think that Jennifer Aniston can go young. She's such an idol with the release of friends on netflix like every generation wants to be friends with her um yeah that's not too bad but yeah i could what is jennifer hansen's probably 40 51 uh she's 53 and selena is 29 and she called her a little cherub a little cherub okay that yeah she is a little cherub anya said that she can't watch murders in the building because selena gomez's voice is so weird in that show i don't know what it's like i haven't seen it i hear it's a good show

but i just want to say that if anyone's noticed that anya's like i literally can't listen to it because her voice is so weird it's like i don't even know what it's like, but I'm guessing it's like this. I don't know. Like Kermit went to boarding school? Oh, God. What the fuck is that? I'm in this old haunted... Oh, someone's ringing my doorbell once again.

What is this? This looks like a murder mystery. What's going on? It's murders in the building. It's so funny. We were talking about the Selena Gomez murder, and now it's like, turning into it.

Oh my God. I think it's the fire alarm for this old, dumb building that I'm staying at, this haunted hotel, but it stopped. Where are you? The fire alarm itself just lit fire and stopped working so i'm just gonna die soon are you down in chelsea and

then an old hotel it's a nice hotel but it's like one where you have to like open the door and then the the elevator opens and the elevator you can just tell how like small people's lives used to be because elevators are so tiny they They had a little briefcase of clothing. The closets in New York City are just so small because girls had three dresses and two sweaters. My suitcase does not fit in the

elevator with me. Anyway, go on. Let me read a couple more. Who do you think Stevie Nicks has a 45-year age difference? Harry Styles. Harry Styles. Nice, yes.

I knew that one. She said he's the son I never had. Oh, that's sweet. He is so cute, Jesus Christ. Elton John's friends with Ed Sheeran, I know that. Elton John's friends with Charlie Puth, too. I think he told Charlie Puth his his first music was like shit and like really insulted him one day it was like your your stuff now is great he like came out to him at a restaurant that's how they became friends

elton john like loves new music it's so cute elton john he is on my list elton john was in fort lauderdale or no jacksonville the night we were he was on his farewell tour and i said on stage i was like thank you guys for not going to elton john tonight everyone laughed because like everyone in town was at elton john and i was like it's you'll never see him again it's his farewell tour and you know he'll probably die at some point soon and and then i was like talking about where the hotel I was staying at and I kind of gave it away and I was like, great,

I'm going to probably die. This is, this is probably my farewell tour. Okay. Okay. So Elton John and who? Elton John became friends with Eminem. Who's 49 after a controversial 2001 performance together.

Oh yeah. They 2001 performance together. Oh, yeah, they did Stan together. I wonder why it was controversial. Oh, because he maybe says the F word in it? He doesn't say it in that song, but he says the F word quite a lot before. And maybe that was controversial that Elton would sing with him. Yeah, it turns out when you make $10 million,

you could look over the word it's weird it's weird yeah eminem said a lot of things god i love him so much i know i really do he's so hot it's insane imagine eminem rapping and having like second thoughts about what his ex-wife was thinking on the side stage while he was like he's like i buried her in a fucking i mean you gotta admit like when brenna is watching you there is a different there's a part of your brain that is firing off that wouldn't be if she wasn't there a million percent yeah a million percent okay yeah. A million percent. Okay. Yeah. Oh, I agree. I'm not as cool as Eminem. I'll tell you that.

Who else is age gap friends? Okay. How about Snoop Dogg, who's 50, and Martha Stewart, who's 80? Okay. I think once you get 50, though, 50, 80, same. Yeah. And I don't think they're friends as much as they do a show together and they have to actually do it.

Also, the average age of someone dying, like a black male and a white female, it's actually, they're not that far apart. Oh, my God. Is that bad? I'm not. That's just honest. I'm not trying to be. Is that bad?

I mean, I think it's a stereotype. No, those are just like real numbers. Black men die younger? Yeah, black men die at a younger age and white female women live the longest. Oh, God. All right. I guess we'll have to watch more. Yeah.

Okay. I guess that's a morbid thought. I don't know. Okay. Anyhow. No, maybe it's true i mean i thought it was just like a stereotype from like they get like they die young because of like violet you know like stereotype like oh no no like of just disease like heart disease and like oh yeah yeah i mean i know that how little people die much younger than all of us because I use that as a burn when I was rap battling Brad Williams. I was like, I wanted to be as vicious as possible.

So I was like, and the fact that little people don't live as long. I was like, you're not going to be around a long time. It was some really fucked up joke about how little people just don't live as long which is so fucking morbid but very true also very tall people yep yeah tall people too makes me sad my dad's a tall man scared yeah he's not yeah he's tall he's not like hell he's one of those guys that's so healthy that he, every time, he just seems like one of those guys that would be like, he dropped dead and no one knows why.

He's the epitome of healthy. You know what I mean? It's almost like I'm so scared that he's going to die because it just seems like guys like him that are healthy that have no signs of anything. They're always the ones that you're like, what? What did he die of? He was like he was like

dunking yesterday he has like abs you can't die with good abs you know what i mean all right next news okay here's a quick story um for that made me think of andrew after after 700 golf balls, broken windows, dented siding, and gunshot-sounding golf ball hits that turned their dream home into a nightmare, a family sues the country club next door and wins

almost $5 million. What? I mean, what's going on here? $5 million for their suffering? Do they keep the house? Well, they'll probably move but they said that the past four years the family uh and their home that borders the country club's golf course was regularly attacked by balls from the course's 15th hole they didn't know when they bought the house that it was going to be i wonder if they're suing for for the amount of money they're losing on having to sell this house early or get out.

You know what I mean? Also for pain and suffering. They have children and you could get hit by a golf ball if you're just outside. It could kill them. That seems crazy that that either doesn't happen more often or that there aren't certain... Right? Yeah. I mean, Andrew, do you ever see like...

There's so many homes that are in the line of way. Like it doesn't... I don't know. I'd have to know more about the story. But the idea that they think that there's so much pain and suffering that they deserve $5 million is insanity. Unless they were like... Anyone that can afford a house on a golf course go just shut

up you don't need five like you know you've got five million dollars somewhere else i was wondering though have you guys ever bought something or like maybe rented an apartment that seemed great and you didn't know and you didn't know until you live there i was gonna ask the same thing yeah i mean well i bought an apartment during the boom of real estate for $220,000, and then it was worth $60,000 four months later. I'm talking about after you moved in, was there something annoying about it? Yeah, there were two bunk beds in it. Yeah, no. uh yeah no um yeah no you're your neighbors can be loud after you move in or something i don't know why did that happen to you did you have times where i was like oh fuck this sucks was

there anything for you that comes up noah well i i mean i remember a story from you nikki it's it's almost like one of my favorite nikki stories and i even found it in my notes when you lived in manhattan on the five-story walk-up and you left your sink running and you locked yourself out of the apartment that was the fucking worst i was there that day that was insane oh my god luigi i was brushing my teeth running the water i was headed to jennifer lawrence's apartment to hang out with her it was one of the last times we ever hung out luigi barked because there was a package at the door i went to go get it luigi ran out in the hall without a leash um i ran out to like get him the door slammed behind me locking me out i was brushing my teeth

and i just was was already wearing clothes. I was like, oh, fuck, no keys, no phone, no anything. I go downstairs. You cannot get on someone else's. I went to the restaurant downstairs. The guy was like, oh, you can check on my phone, my computer, email your friends. You can't get on Gmail if you don't have two-step verification

that sends a message to your phone. You're locked out of everything. There's nothing you can do if you don't have your phone. You can't break into everything. You can't, there's nothing you can do. If you don't have your phone. You can't break in to a five story apartment through the window. The door was shut. And then I'm, I'm just like waiting. Cause I just,

I'm waiting for my landlord to get there. So I'm downstairs at this cafe waiting for an hour or so. And just, I'm like, I guess I'm supposed to be at Jen's in like 45 minutes. She's definitely like, she almost called the comedy seller thinking I was dead like she had no idea where I was

then all of a sudden I see fire trucks pull up to our apartment to my apartment and I'm like oh that's interesting maybe I can have them like fucking break down my door or whatever get me in and then the restaurant guy comes out and is like there's water leaking down and I was like

that's so weird I guess my landlord will will be here sooner because there's obviously an emergency in my apartment. Come to find out it's my apartment. I left the water running. My sink would always get clogged. And it filled up. It started running. And it completely flooded my apartment. But my apartment was tilted.

So it only flooded my bathroom because it all ran to the side which was a great aspect of it and then uh that was the worst that was when i realized if you don't have your phone you are cut off there's nothing you can do because everyone has two-step verification everyone does what do you do um yeah i mean that i cried so hard the night that i got to that apartment i got i found it on craigslist and i moved moved from L.A. to Chelsea. It was right down the street, two blocks away from where I am now. And I arrived on January 18th, 2018. Sorry, it was 2018.

It was January something, 2018. I met you literally a week after. I think the like literally a week after the day late I think the day after oh the day I got there with Luigi I flew in I had terrible turbulence I literally thought I was gonna die I wrote to Chris because I was just like scared and I like missed my ex boyfriend that I'd broken up with like you know three months before and I wrote to him he was in like Abu Dhabi and I was like I think I'm literally gonna this plane is going down and he was just like that sucks or something and I was just like he doesn't love me I was so sad Luigi was scared we land in January it's fucking cold as fuck I have so many bags because I'm moving

no one to help me with them oh god I get to my apartment and it is way smaller than it looked on Craigslist and i am just on this futon sobbing like and i just keep going luigi i'm so sorry why did i do this we had a beautiful place in la i was moving here for the serious show and just get away from my life in new york it was awful and then pete lee came over and like talked me off the ledge literally i was just like i was the it was the worst. That apartment was so small. And, you know, there were some good times, but rarely in that apartment.

Other times, like I feel like I've gotten lucky with spaces, though, in terms of like bad neighbors or low water pressure. Things that don't work. I've been really blessed. So knock on wood. Knock on wood. Let's take a quick break and come back with Why Do I Care. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, why do I care? Why do I care? All right, Ben Affleck downplays matching with Selling Sunset's Emma Hernan after she talks about DMing with him in 2019 on the raya app okay but didn't him and j-lo get back together in 20 21 so like what's the big yeah why would this story even come out like who makes this story he

was saying i'm inactive yes so uh raya has confirmed that he has not been an active member for several years. Several. And she said that his opening pickup line was that they had a Boston connection. Okay. Like, girls got to stop. I mean, I've talked about people I've matched with on Raya, but, like, there's nothing wrong here. Nothing at all, man. They just got engaged, and now everyone's –

I'm so annoyed with their engagement though i'm so annoyed with that what was their engagement i didn't even take it i cannot take j-lo anymore was it public was it public what was it i don't even know uh no he proposed to her in the bath she was taking a bath and he came in and she was butt naked and he proposed to her and she said it was most romantic than that thing that ever happened to her but her instagram post so she tells the whole story about it on down on the j-low or on the j-low or some kind of dumb app she has where it's like our fans can really get to know her so she's like on instagram she posts this little smarmy like i have some

great news and she's talking like a baby and she's just like glistening and it's so annoying and it's all to promote it's like i just don't like celebrities using their like personal lives to like trick you into just tell us you have the information i just i thought it was gross and i just do people pay for this down with the jlo app probably of course monetized in some way yeah or at least she gets your information so then they can send you when she's going to be coming to your town or that mary is coming out on blu-ray at a fucking red box near you it's just it just grosses i don't know why she annoys me so much i'm sure if i met her i would think she was lovely.

She seems really, her friendship with Leah Remini seems like really real and funny. And she's obviously extremely talented and beautiful. But I just am irritated by it all. I don't know. I don't know why. I guess I feel bad for Ben Affleck's exes. I feel bad for Ben Affleck's exes. I feel bad for Jennifer Garner. I feel bad for Ana de Armas. Just to, like, see them all, like, fucking making out all the time. I just think it's, like, respect your exes and tone it the fuck down.

And you are doing this for publicity. You know? I know, but what is the end goal with this publicity? So they can put out more movies? Because we're talking about them. Yeah, I know. We keep talking about them. So it makes us talk about them.

Why do you put you and Brenna on your Instagram? Is that to garner more fans? You do it to celebrate. I'm happy in my life. And I just think that theirs is not really all about that. Gotcha. There's a difference. Like,

I just feel like people either post about their loved ones when they are in a rocky part of their relationship and they have to like let everyone, they have to just, they have to, they have to do the opposite of what is real because it's like, they feel like people might be able to sense it. So they post something really good because they're in hot water with their person or like the public might think they're not doing well. So they put that out there or it's, it's just publicity.

It's just so people will talk about them, but it's like, it's just, I don't know. Sometimes it's nauseating and maybe I'm just jealous. Yeah. Because I remember, I mean, I I get I do get jealous of like their PDA I think it's sweet I'm like I love how he's always grabbing her ass have you and Chris ever gone public on Instagram like officially

like with a photo I did back in the day like before I had a lot of like when we were together back back long long ago um he really has no interest in that i know i'm just wondering i'm just like thinking about it because i don't remember and like i said for women it makes people hate you like i have too many male fans that kind of fantasize about me being single or like and they just i would lose followers it would be really it'd be interesting

to see how many you would lose i would just just as an experiment yeah i mean i would probably lose less than a thousand but i would lose a lot i think and i just don't see the point in it and also yeah there's other reasons too but i just don't see uh i feel like one will come out after the reality show comes out. I feel like one's going to come out. I can talk about them on my podcast because I feel like besties can handle it. But my fans that are just like the other fans who I love and need. I do love and need them. I need them to, in their mind, think that if I don't have a boyfriend,

they could fuck me someday. What is this? It really is true i've done it before i've unfollowed a guy before when i was single that i just like was like i don't want to see you happy with a girl get out of here you were only interesting to me when you're single do you think guys are thinking that they can't fuck j-lo now because of ben affleck like j-lo doesn't need men are not following j-lo's fans are mainly women yeah just i just and maybe gay men straight men can admire her and they know she's so out there that they could never get her but like no i don't think that it affects her as much okay let's go to top one, bottom one, because it's Monday. Our category today is top one, bottom one. Drum roll.

Moments from this weekend. Moments from this weekend. This was a big weekend for me and Andrew. Noah, I'm assuming you had a weekend as well. Yes, it was a big weekend for me too. Yeah, you weren't in LA, right? No, I wasn't in LA, but I turned 39. Oh my God, I missed your birthday.

Did we really miss your birthday? I mean, you got to tell us that. It was on Friday, it's fine. It's fine. It's in my calendar and I missed it. God damn it. That's okay. I had it in my mind.

I was like, it's been a while since it was Noah's birthday. It feels like it's almost been a year. I know you don't. I know you. It's not okay. I'm not okay with it. That's not okay. I'm so sorry.

Even though I've forgotten all of my best friend's birthdays this year, so you're in good company, Noah. Yes. Robin, Kirsten, my mom, Noah, boom. All of them forgotten. It's okay. Next year, I'm going to know when it's andrew's birthday order noah's present on that day um no i'm so sorry i missed it how was your 39th was that your top okay well um my moments yes my top moments are from my birthday celebrations

which you're not the only one who forgot it and i think it's just because it fell on like a Friday and I haven't really been in touch with people so I did post it like I posted about on Saturday because I said I feel like a lot of people are going to be mad at me because I didn't say anything and it's going to make them feel like they did something wrong by not wishing me a happy birthday but um for me it was definitely a weekend full of good moments with uh uh older friends meaning like friends that i've had for like a year and a half ever since moving here um newish friend and like brand new friends so i had older friends being a year and a half old friend no no i mean like i made them like a year and a half ago when i moved to this new town that i've never lived in before i didn't know anyone yes the first friends you made when you got to did you have a romantic dinner or anything or what did you um yes i did have a romantic dinner um i am going through something personally

that i'm not ready to talk about but i will share it with you guys once i'm over the the thing um so um you know i've just been kind of like dealing with something that's like emotional or like more like mental. So just being able to just kind of connect with other people. And I was invited to a birthday party, a barbecue. And I always get very nervous. I think, oh, I don't know how to party anymore. You know, I don't drink. I don't smoke.

I don't do anything that's considered fun. Nobody else at that party did anything like that. It was just deep conversations and just a good, easy time. God, I love that. I love that so much. I was just filling out something about St. Louis, like the best of St. Louis. And it was like the best bars, the best breakfast spots. I'm like, I don't do Louis. And it was like the best bars, the best breakfast spots. I'm like, I don't do any of this stuff. I don't eat breakfast foods because nothing's vegan.

I don't go to bars. I just feel like so, and Carlisle was talking about this too, like we're just like not cool anymore. But like, I love, it doesn't have to be deep conversations, but it's fun when it can be. I just want to hang out with people

that you can just be yourself with and you don't have to go hi oh my god good to see you okay just don't want to be in that voice ever in my life ever if i can avoid it especially on a weekend when i'm supposed to be doing what i want to do with my time i also think there's like there's like a lesson in like when you have to do like something socially to not overthink it before like i do that too though like you're like oh my god i'm gonna have to fucking i'm gonna have to drink with these or i'm gonna have to do this and you like you play like 55 scenarios and then you get there and it's like people are just sitting by a fire like be like really nice people like usually people are gonna err on the side of being nice like i think in our 20s we're so around like drunk

fucktards that like we expect that to happen the rest of our lives you know what i mean when i am around drunk fucktards it's kind of nice because if i don't want to be there i can just leave that's true and they don't even know yeah yeah that's true when i was younger i was like i have to be a i have to be one too you know but now I'm just like this sucks and I from being someone who was drunk for so long I know I don't you would never remember like anything so like yeah I was when I was writing about this St. Louis thing I was like you know I did go to bars in my 20s in St. Louis but I don't remember any of them and they were all shitholes where it was loud and I would lose my voice

and they were dirty and gross and there was pee all over the seats. I can't recommend any of those places. And I was blackout drunk for all of it. That's your parents' house. Okay, what were your – I guess we started with tops. There's a cover. What were your i guess we started with the top that's what were your top moments um my top moment was honestly the the um the shows that i was just i just like love being on stage recently and i can like honestly say that my favorite moments were on stage and just feeling like i would do like really long sets

dude like hour and 47 minutes for one of my sets hour 30 like every single night and that's the longest i've ever gone and i just really appreciate that the audience can be with me that long and at the end of it still like i know when i've lost them i'm sure i've lost some of them by the end of it that's so fucking long but it's a lost some of them by the end of it. That's so fucking long. But it's a really good feeling that by the end of it, like, I, when I walk off stage, I don't have to, usually I run off stage because I don't want to make them feel like they have to keep clapping. Like, I want them to be just done with their duty of, like, supporting me. So I run off stage to, like, I don't want you guys to, like, have to, like, keep going. Like, I just feel bad. But this time I was able to take it in and look at them enjoying me.

And take in their praise because they were giving me love. And I was able to accept it at the end and be like, no, they won it. I felt like it was deserved. And I appreciated it. So that was my favorite. I guess my top one was tricking nikki into going to my parents that was fun no um i would say no that obviously seeing my dad was up there but like no performing yeah the shows were fucking fantastic this weekend and i think like yeah i don't know i feel like similar in the sense of like

like really feeling like i'm doing exactly i'm saying exactly what i want on stage like being the kind of comic i kind of want to be like i don't know and it just feels good it just really does and performing in florida especially like i just it feels nice it just feels nice and i and the other thing I love too is just like writing the jokes with you beforehand and so I felt like we got along really well this weekend yeah we did it's really fun writing um throwing the baseball just a lot of like just like very it was a very chill weekend until like like now yeah everything was chill it was the most chill like weekend we've ever had i think

yeah even though it was so much travel and so much like work um all right let's do bottom bottom bottom bottom um bottom moment from this weekend andrew um i guess uh I guess it's annoying. When I get back, I think back to St. Louis is the bottom because I'm so exhausted and I want to be there for Brenna so much and be happy and present. But I physically can't. And it's hard for me to... I don't know i think that's like the hardest part is like coming back from the road and like trying to like um i don't know communicate in a way where you you're like look it has it's nothing to do with not being excited to see you yeah it's just it's just like my brain is literally like just like i don't even know what

it is. Like so that's the hard that's the hardest part I think about how much we and, you know, I can't even imagine with how much even more you actually do on the road. So it's like, yeah, it's really tough on relationships. I am struggling as well with mine. It's like just like, you know, what do you do when you're gone? Because there's just so much to catch up on. You're not living the same lives. When you get back, you just want to be your best versions of yourselves,

but you're fucking tired and you have stuff to do. And also the weekends. On the weekends is typically when people spend time with their partners and go on dates and you guys are working. Yes. And it looks like we're having the most fun on earth because we're on instagram like there are like if they saw us sleep all day they would know that it's not like yeah but we're allowed to have i have i don't think oh yeah of course i'm not

saying yeah yeah it's hard to like it yeah it's hard for probably them to see like why can't you just be that fun right now like you were that fun last night and it's like well yeah i was also like having to put on a show i was a showman last night yeah um yeah i found that to be just as hard too i will say the worst part of the weekend for me was checking into the hotel in jacksonville and getting in my room and unpacking my bags and unpacking my bowels. And then getting a call on the phone that said, ma'am, you don't have a room here. We accidentally checked you in and you're not supposed to stay here. You have a room somewhere else. And having to go downstairs, lug all my luggage back downstairs.

We are an hour and a half from showtime. So I just wanted to rest for an hour. I think it was an hour and a half before i had to get absolutely ready and so then we had to i go downstairs we had to get a lift we had to go across town i checked in the wrong fucking hotel um it was just a big mix-up and they i don't know how why they let me in that was the weird thing well i was talking to them i was talking to them downstairs and they're like because they let you up and then they're like, we don't have your reservation. They let you in under the,

uh, someone's name is like Gosser. I was like, that's not even, that's not even close to Glazer. They must get so many like misspellings with people booking them, like through the phone or something that they're just like, yeah,

she's probably Gosser. Final thought, Noah, what was your low point of the weekend? So, um avi is he volunteers with the search and rescue team here in arizona basically people go hiking they get injured and this team goes out and helps take these people out or if they get stranded and stuff so last night he's been wanting to answer a call for so long. He got one call.

It ended up getting canceled. He came home. And then another call where three people got stranded on the side of a cliff. So it's like 7 o'clock on Sunday night. And he answered that call. And we thought, all right, he's going to be back at 11, 12 o'clock at night. I wake up at 12. Okay, he's not back.

I wake up at 3. He's not back. I wake up at 4.30. He's not there. Oh, my God. And I just like kept getting up. And it's like, oh, he's not back home. So I texted.

I was like, hey, can you just let me know that you're alive yeah or just like like this text when you see it and uh until 7 20 in the morning i hadn't heard back from him and he's like yes i'm alive oh my god it ended up being like a really tough rescue for like all these volunteers and stuff. These three people got caught, like stuck. I guess they were like mountaineering or something. They ran out of rope and it was in the middle of the night. They were off the trail,

like deep off the trail. And he had to like just spend overnight finding them. In the middle of the night to find someone is really challenging. So yeah, it was a whole big thing. And I was just like, hmm, I wonder if he's going to make it back. And I didn't know all night. Yeah, that's really scary. I'm so glad he's okay.

But yeah, those hours between 12 and 7.30 in the morning, probably not the best sleep you ever had. Yeah, also it's like, why couldn't he text? He wasn't in service, I guess, where he was. So he said that his phone ended up dying, and he had his battery pack, but he didn't have the wire to plug the phone into it. And then his friend had a satellite phone,

and he wanted to send me a message through the satellite phone, but he didn't know my phone number. Oh, well, that is hilarious. It kind of reminds me of Always Sunny when they keep throwing more cats in the wall. Like he went to go save someone. Now he's gone.

And now his buddy's gone. And now he can't find a wire. They have to like lower down a wire to him. And he's lowering down a rope to the guy. Oh, my God. That's great they saved him, though. I mean, what a great thing to do for people. Hopefully he wasn't too tired today to be a funder.

God, were you so horny for him when he told you about this? I will be later, like after I catch up on my sleep. That's a good point. I lost a lot of sleep this weekend too because I'm doing Watch What Happens Live on Wednesday night on Bravo. Yeah, watch what happens when I don't save lives. And I instead talked to Andy Cohen about reality TV. Oh, shit. Have you done anything with Andyy cohen before no no and he's from st louis and so i'm promoting the st louis show obviously and um i uh they asked me they're like so what bravo shows

you know in preparation what bravo shows do you watch and i was like none like i don't and that's not a slight on Bravo. They have the best entertainment ever. Everyone I know watches everything on that network. And I just have never loved the Housewives because I don't like supporting drunk. I just, it makes me, it triggers me because it's just a lot of screaming and a lot of drunkenness and, like, meanness. And even though that's, like, very compelling, it just doesn't do it for me what you know other reality shows do but i'm wrong because everyone everyone clearly loves that show so i'm in the wrong and then i've never watched below deck or anything like that

even though those are supposed to be great i used to watch millionaire matchmaker and then i realized i used to watch summer house but i don't watch summer house anymore because hannah was kicked off and then i go actually i can watch summer house because i know a lot about summer house because i watched it and so i've been binging summer house 13 episodes i watched i stayed up all night on saturday night because we got done at 12 and then we're leaving at 4 30 so i watched so many episodes but i'm watching them on one and a half times speed and it is wild and it's so entertaining and i love it so much so i got no sleep doing that and also i was thinking about the boyfriend thing this morning i woke up and i was packing at like five o'clock in the morning or six and um chris was i wanted him to sleep in so bad and i'm just

like trying to be super quiet and he like gets up and i see him kind of like messing with his ipad like he like blearily kissed me and it was like good morning and then i saw him like come toying with his ipad and i was like what are you doing over there and he was just like i'm just gonna watch some there's a race going on and he puts on formula one and formula one's always happening like in another part of the world so it's like always at the like crack of dawn. So he puts on Formula One and he's just like watching it. And I was like, I felt like I go,

this is no slight to you. I feel like I'm watching, I'm babysitting for a little boy who's just like eating Froot Loops, watching cartoons. Like race cars just going vroom, vroom. And I was like, do you like your vroom, vrooms? Oh, does that do car go fast?

Does that car go fast? And i was just like so belittling everything about it i was like just know that i just don't understand this that's why i know it looks stupid to me you look like a like just because you know he's kind of like you know like little boys like fall asleep in front of cartoons and they don't even know what's going on in the cartoon but they just like like the colors and shapes Like that's what I felt like it was. It calms them. Yeah. His little boom booms.

He likes Formula One and MMA, which I like to call Mama. Isn't that the baby food I ate the one time? Yeah, my mom's. My mom's. All right, we got to go. We will have more show for you tomorrow and the rest of the week. I'm going to be on the Today Show tomorrow morning

if you want to watch. I think it's going to be on at like 9 Eastern. If you want to check that out, I'll be going to be on with Sarah Silverman. So that'll be super fun. And then I'll be on Watch What Happens Live on Wednesday night with someone. I don't know if I can say who.

Maybe I'll say it tomorrow. But thank you guys so much for listening to the show. We are in Minneapolis and Madison this weekend. Tickets still on sale. Two shows in Madison. So more tickets on sale for that. If you go alone, I will give you a free meet and greet. You just have to DM me GOINGALONE in all caps.

Tell me your full name and which show you're going to. And I got to go because there's another old-timey fiber alarm going off. Bye, guys! Don't be good and... Jack me down the river over there by the mall.

I'm tired. Stop! John Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app,

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