The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #209 Anyone But Myself

Episode Date: April 27, 2022

Nikki wants to help Andrew through his recent depression and it doesn't bog her down for her appearances. Today in NY, she was on two shows on Barstool Sports and Good Morning America where she got to work alongside her hero Sarah Silverman. They talk a positive approach to life they've learned from persons with disabilities. The news makes them question their habits, has a moment where a phone is not important, the songs of their birth year and Nikki's take on the Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard trial. Nikki's Reddit Dump has stuff that feels illegal, a funeral crasher story and thoughts on when to be confrontational.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am.

Welcome to the Nikki Glaser Podcast. I'm Nikki Glaser. It is Tuesday. I'm in New York City in my hotel in Chelsea. Andrew is in St. Louis at our studio. Noah is in Arizona. Guys, how are you doing today? I'm so, so shocked that we're doing shows day of because usually on weeks like this, we bank a bunch, but it's nice to be doing them currently. I'm good. I'm good. I have covid brain it's it's it's i don't know i don't want to complain about it because it's not

that bad but it's also just bad enough where it's annoying and i think people describe to us it feels like it feels like you know how i'm dumb no imagine no okay okay you know how um is it molasses is your brain just like you're not being able to think quickly yeah i feel like i have a bunch of mayonnaise in my brain and that's sometimes where when you're funniest dude like when you're tired and like you can't think oh i'm not saying it's a bad yeah yeah i'll just be motivated right like you feel like unmotivated to even probably think of something. I just don't feel happy, to be honest. Right.

You're depressed. I'm depressed. You might be depressed. Yeah, I'm depressed. But I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I see the, you know. Yes. Or maybe not.

Maybe I'll just die. It's fine. No, I mean, I find, though, when I get depressed,, like I really, I'm sorry you're going through that because I, when I get depressed, I know there's, it's nice to know that there is a light, like it never like stays because right now I'm not depressed. So obviously every time I've ever been depressed, it's lifted to this point where I'm not depressed now and I know it will always lift, but it's really hard to feel like it will. And it's, um, you just see every, it's just, how does it manifest? I mean, you maybe don't want to talk about it.

Maybe it manifests for you in the way that you just don't want to dwell on it. But like, what does depression feel like to you? Just like. I mean, I like talking about depression. I think it helps people. But I also don't like talking about depression when other people aren't depressed. Because I feel like I'm being a burden sometimes. You know, especially on a podcast that's supposed to be funny and silly but it's the best I'm the only time I like when

I'm depressed like I just feel like it's it when you just try to like phone it in and you don't talk about it is when it gets worse so I'm not trying to make you talk about it but like I think that you're a you're probably able to talk about it in a way that when I'm depressed I talk about my depression in a way that's specific and yours might be different and might represent someone at home listening so what's it like for you I think I think what happens is I think COVID or whatever uh you know people I think have heard so much especially if you're younger granted I'm not that young but like you have mild symptoms you'll be fine just forget about it it's fine you know but i think the idea of like complaining when you when it's the symptoms aren't like that bad but they're also like

annoying enough where you can't be present with the person you want to be present with brenna like i can't be like as happy and touchy feely and like accept love and give love as much as I would like to and we're I'm in the car with her huh yeah definitely COVID yeah because I mean I think it's a combination of just being exhausted from the weekend but like yeah no I also add something that we talked about before the show yeah Andrew was on a roll with working out and you know like improving his golf game and stuff and you know that that gave him a lot of like positive energy and um i think because he hasn't been able to do that that probably contributes to why he's feeling kind of sluggish and unmotivated and depressed yes yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's definitely it too. I mean, I think I was like,

I was really feeling really positive and happy these last two months. And it sucks. Like a disease or whatever, whatever the fuck you want to call it, like we're all so sensitive. Like we all think we're so tough and that we could get through shit.

But we're all like one minute away from like- Catching something that'll totally derail everything yeah and whatever look i'll jump back i'll be fine i know that yeah well it's funny because you're talking about covid symptoms like the ones that people are like oh it's you're that's not a big deal it's it's not let's say covid out of it it's just like mental illness people are just like it's it's not physical so people just don't have as much empathy or sympathy for you and like just don't any kind of mental um disease illness like just little like thing you're going through dip people just don't give you as much leeway as if you were like literally had the flu but that's when i have the depression it's like i

have the flu i'm just as much out of commission and you shouldn't be around me because i'll drag you down i'll get you sick i'll try to get you out my my disease will try to latch on to you to get more it's almost like it likes to spread so it spreads by me not coughing but me like spewing negativity so that people around me get depressed too it's it sucks and like i mean whatever like you're doing the today show today like and i mean this is all like optics and stuff but like it's still like you you need to be on you need to have a good time like like um like it is important for you to to smile so it's like the last thing i want to do is bring my fucking whatever but i know that like you like the honesty and smile so it's like the last thing i want to do is bring my fucking whatever but i

know that like you like the honesty and whatever but it's just you know so i feel pressure on that point to be like i don't want to fucking she has to deal with all this other shit no oh my god i don't think of it that way if anything like i've always found that whenever i'm struggling with just feeling too busy and just doing so many things that I'm like oh my god I'm just worried about this performance and this like the best thing I can do is like go who needs my help like can I just talk about anyone but myself like I just need to go pick up some trash or something like I need to do something that isn't about me so I I seek out these opportunities when I'm feeling like I've got too much going on. And it's just,

it's just busy. It's nothing that I'm like, I need to be happy for it. And I need to be in a good mood. Like I just, that's never, um, yeah, that's never.

And I feel like, you know, someone was talking about like when you go on stage, like your feet hurting, like my feet never hurt in my boots on stage. Like when you're on stage, you just like all of the things pain that you're going through physical mental like kind of goes away even like as soon

as you grab the microphone and then i'm not speaking for everyone but i just know a lot of comedians who feel the same way like i'll be depressed up until i grab the mic and then it goes away and then as soon as i walk off stage it comes back so it's like i don't know i feel like if you had to do the today show today and do all these podcasts you would be out of your depression because it was like your adrenaline would like kick in and it'd be waiting for you on the other side um if it wanted to be but um yeah that's never gonna i really i love um talking to people about the depression i think because i think for me it's the only way to like get out of it i think is to like give it a name and to actually honor that it's real and that it's not like just i'm

being a baby and i'm i'm a sad baby it's just like it's an honest to god like physical people just because it doesn't have symptoms like sneezing and like stuffy nose like depression needs like a it needs a better pr agent it needs to get some kind of physical symptoms so that we feel bad for people it needs a yes yeah your balls should jingle when you have it something physical that you can go yeah i don't know when i get depressed my penis gets smaller my balls get longer so that doesn't help i don't know my my pussy totally gets like kind of sloppier it starts growing like the hair starts kind of like i i don't shave it as much i'm not cleaning myself as i'm not like paying attention to the toilet paper like pieces

of my vagina like you just look grosser i'm just like not treating myself well i saw my balls in a different light the other day and i I was like, is this depression? Because my balls look really old and weird. Yes. And I'm like, maybe I'm sad. Wait, what about them made them look older? Can you be specific? They were hanging lower, maybe.

They were hanging a little differently. I have a hernia by my penis, so that hernia is my heart. Yeah. I don't even know what a hernia is. I just know it's like, oh, you can't press on it, or it'll be like an old man will be like, oh! It just looks like I got a bunch of... And you can't laugh hard or something. Is that right?

It looks like I have a bunch of warthers above my dick. Yeah, it's bad. Is it physical? It's inside, right, though, a hernia? Apparently, it's like your... Under the skin. Yeah, it's bad it's physical it's inside right though or hernia apparently it's under the skin yeah it's under your skin if it doesn't hurt you don't need surgery but if it does start to hurt you do need it looks like a bump above so it looks like i have a fupa like a fat upper penis yeah yeah penis area it is a fupa yeah well it's just penis instead of pussy that's good anyhow but yeah so i think you totally get to

like such like my labia get like like balls which labia are the balls of the female anatomy because they are they literally are what would have held your balls if you would have been a man at you know um your chromosomes would have been an x y i think that's it um they it gets like baggier and sadder Like when I'm depressed My vagina definitely looks depressed It looks like it could use a shower It needs a good walk around the block

Needs some sunlight Yeah So I get that Your whole body does You just feel like saggy and sad I feel disgusting right now I feel disgusting But is it nice though to live

with Brenna and know that she's like cleaning the sheets maybe help can help you with laundry like keep your area clean so that it doesn't spread around you and kind of like your environment becomes like depression because I feel like when I live alone depression like I can't keep a clean space and it would help me if my space were clean or No, clean space does help for sure. I do think when you have a partner there's times when depression I think everybody wants Maybe 24 hours to themselves completely isolation. Yeah, let me sleep Let me not even move don't know judgment, even though I'm not getting judgment from her I just like you just don't even want to think about the judge. You just want that fucking cave.

That alone cave. You want to be a bear by yourself. And then you can start bringing people in. I don't know that that's the best though. No, I'm sure it's not. I'm sure it's not. I think we want it so badly, but it's like, it's like drinking. It's like hair of the dog.

Like it'll, it's just giving you what you already you're having a withdrawal symptom from like depression is antisocial and then you're giving it what it wants to feed it more a little bit and but it's so hard not to do that it's so hard to like let people in and be social and continue to talk to people around you and um man i just do you you you don't get suicidal thoughts though right i feel like i've had them before but nothing like what's your thought process i'm just wondering what that what like the thoughts you're telling yourself like the um what when i've had suicidal thoughts in the past are more like if i'm on a balcony, it would be like a split thought like, oh, what if I just fell off kind of thing. Not like I want to do it.

No, what are your depression thoughts? Like what's your like inner monologue? My inner monologue is like there could be stuff like, you know, I'm not living up to my potential, stuff like that. I'm not really like taking control of my life i'm not uh beating yourself up about i'm not exercising now because like you know i'm you know and i'm and i was sick like like all these things but then you know like like anything it's just um i think i've been through it enough where i understand that that cycle what's going on the cycle like that's the beauty of getting the only great thing about getting older is you've been

through it so many times you know what it is even if you're even if your brain can't comprehend exactly what's going on you've been there your brain has even been where it doesn't even know where it is right now like like you know what i mean so it's like i am not worried that i'm not going to get out of that's good it's just in this that minute yeah you just have the flu you just have a cold of the brain like you can treat it like it's gonna go away it's gonna lift at some point i just have the flu you just have a cold of the brain like you can treat it like it's gonna go away it's gonna lift at some point i just gotta get through it yeah that's the but that's the part about depression that like freaks you out as you go it's never gonna go away for some reason it just feels like you can't imagine it going away and that's the way it feels when

you get physically sick sometimes even if you know it's a temporary sickness but i think that i more often than not when i'm'm depressed, I think it's going to last forever. When I'm in a good space, I go, this isn't going to last. That is, and I think, but I think that's a good way to mitigate depression is to not convince yourself that it's going to stay good forever because it just, the guilt you have when you do have to stop, when you do get sick, like you can't keep working out every day. You can't keep eating right. Some days you're just going to slip and being able to let those happen and

know they're going to come. And that it doesn't mean that you'll never get back. Like it's that even when it's good, it's not going to stay good forever because that just doesn't. Sam Harris always says, do you expect if you played a video game and there was never any like, you know pits to jump over or like little angry mushrooms to jump over like there was no challenge like this would be do you expect your life to do that like do you expect your life to have no

problems the rest of your life like of course it's going to keep giving you this shit and so what was your favorite video game growing up super mario brothers 2 that's what i was thinking about yeah i was just thinking i was a hard one like yeah i love that i loved all the little worlds you could go to i loved yoshi um yoshi was your favorite the little green guy yeah he was the one was the one i picked with super mario brothers like why did you like him racing because he was the fastest there and Yoshi was just like he'd go it was like that tongue would come out um wait yeah oh yes tongue would come out super nintendo that's the super nintendo one where you could ride him that's where i'm at that's what i'm at super nintendo 2 like the second thing of super nintendo where you would go and you could yeah you could do that but i also just

like that sound you make when you jump on him he's it's great um what about your favorite video game I mean growing up Sonic I was a Sonic guy I you know I didn't want to think I don't like thinking in these games a lot of Sonic made me think too much I feel like it was a different controller you start with super you start with Nintendo and then you go to Sega and it's like a whole new operating system you gotta learn i love how you say you say sega sega sega sega sega what do you say no sega sega wait what that's how they used to say sega sega oh my god it's vegas i say vega vegas vegas were you were you shitty to the sega kids or were you a nintendo head no i mean are you loyal because there are people that you know treat sega as like we just didn't get sega and so i didn't get to really know it but i wasn't shitty to them i just like i you know playstation came along then

we upgraded to that and then i and then i dipped out of nintendo i nintendo 64 never learned never knew how to do it just like didn't want to learn couldn't do it um and then I tapped and then Sega or uh I guess PlayStation was the last time PlayStation 2 was my last we realize how big video games are now like oh my god they're insane it's it's everything it's honestly I feel so stupid to not be involved in it because it's so 13 year olds making like 30 million a year just like killing zombies. It's social. They all talk to each other and they like hang out and play. Like that was, obviously we hung out with our friends to play back then.

But like it's, yeah, it's a whole world that I'm so, I'll never catch up and I just don't know how to. I mean, I'm sure if I became like bedridden or something up i would pick up video games because it would be funny if we got a full-on gaming system and me and you got really into it like just try why don't we try to get into like halo me and you like just see what happens i i mean chris will not he was playing a game that i make fun of all the time called like dragon quest or something like that and he was obsessed with it and he has made it so like he doesn't let himself play Dragon Quest because he knows that it will derail his life and so he doesn't let himself do it he also there's other things that he's just like I don't I can't follow follow college football or certain things like that where he's

like I it's too much work and I will become obsessed it's the way I am with TikTok like I just can't have it on my phone i know it's i'm going to love it and it's going to take up too much time and i just can't sacrifice that time right now but man i did a barstool show today a controversial one it's called bff and it's with uh i'll talk about when i get back from the break we gotta take a break yeah it's with what's his name dave the guy who founded barstool oh with portnoy dave portnoy yeah portnoy and they were like my policies were like you know he's controversial do you even want to do this and i was like fuck yes i do and i'll tell you about it when i get back from break andrew i shine when i'm coming baby john stewart is back in the host chair at Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture.

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Oh, welcome back to the show. Yes, did bf i think it's called bff yeah yeah yeah oh with the josh guy and the girl josh and yeah brie yeah yeah josh is like a 20 year old tiktoker brie is an influencer herself um and then dave like is the guy that founded Barstool. And yeah, Dave is very old. And yeah, I mean, it was funny because I'm wondering if it makes the cut. You know, Dave got, you know, he's controversial because he got like a little bit me too'd and stuff, right? Like he was pursuing young women and then he like they would get to his house or whatever and he would I guess be mean to them if they didn't fuck it well I don't know I like it to me nothing illegal took place so I was just like yeah I'll be on a show and I'll I'll just I'm not gonna like kiss his ass

or you know I'll I'll say what I want but I didn't feel like I had to go in there and like call him out I just wanted to like see what it was about but i said at the very beginning i was like hi dave i was like it's great because he was remote i was like it's great here barstool i go as a woman i feel great here went to the bathroom you guys got like lotions for us you have like pads tampons a scale i had to write my weight on a little board i don't know what that was like you know i was obviously joking yeah we're gonna take that we're gonna take that out. But all right. I was just like, really? I'll be interested to see if they take out that joke.

He goes, we're just going to leave in the part where he said it was great for women. I was like, okay. So we'll see if he leaves it in. I will have a different feeling about the whole experience than if he takes that out. So how did the interview go? Like, how did you feel? It was good. I mean, it was like, we just like talked about like the way people dressed at coachella we went over like um uh different uh just news headlines pretty much it wasn't like an interview as much as it was

more like he asked me about you know the will smith chris rock thing um yeah it was it was fine you know i have thoughts but i'll save those for offline or when, you know, I have a little more distance. No, but it was, it was actually like I had, I really did have fun on that show. And then I did also did KFC radio at Barstool, which is like one of my favorite shows of all time to do. And we had a great time. Did you do, would you rather?

Yeah, I did. I did. I played the game where they do ask the internet. Do they get mad that we make fun of it or no no I talked about on KFC radio I was like because I called out like edgy comedians and I talked about how edgy comedians I pretty much did the edge and was like here's your audience needs to know what comedians are doing when they act like so cool and and I explained he loved it and then um I did tell

him a lot of these ask the internet questions are good and he was like they are good and then but I had fun it was fun it was good but um yeah it was a long day I mean I just came from Barstool and before that I Silverman yes start out the day at the today show well I started out here at my

hotel room Robin is in town she was my makeup artist on F Boy um Island one I met her she's from the she lives in Cayman and she came to town and did my makeup starting at 6 30 and then we got picked up at 9 15 went to the Today Show I knew that Sarah was going to be on the show Sarah Silverman was was going to be on the show with me they were like do you want to do a segment with her and um yeah it was really fun so i got there and i saw her and we had a really good time just like just talking about she like is dating um a comic writer rory albanese and she was just talking about how they came to be and like um she's talking about her friendship with the ch Handler and how this was on air this is backstage this was like backstage but she's just like so nice

and personable she came just to my green room we were just like hanging out she's like what are you promoting I was telling her about my show and she's just so nice had you met her before yeah spend time with her so yeah I if you don't know like the way I am about Taylor Swift I was about Sarah Silverman for a few years of my life like massively mass maybe more so because I was younger and a little bit more insane and um I knew everything about her bought her posters off eBay like I and this was back when there was no Instagram there was it was just like maybe my space back then but I was obsessed with her read everything watched everything and um how does

it feel like know her now yeah how does it feel to uh i don't know now fast forward all these years i mean you you literally your first stand-up you wrote you were like substituting like joe like yeah she was your hero she was your mentor like in your mind taylor and she was as unattainable it was like um it was like the way I feel about Taylor Swift in terms of like what I'm doing with music now like that's how much of a novice I was compared to her talent and now I've been in the business long enough that I've kind of like caught up and I'm kind of in her world obviously um but I've oh I've overcome the initial like oh my godness because that happened early on I talked about on the today show today but like i got to meet her during my obsession randomly because we had a mutual friend doug benson and

it was i mean that was one of the wildest days of my life like just him like just being like hey sarah's gonna pick us up today we're gonna go to kimball and i was just like sarah who like what and he's like sarah silverman and i go wait Doug I don't think I was just I was just graduated college I was like I don't think you understand like Sarah riding in Sarah Silverman's car and like it was it was it was insane I went to Jimmy Kimmel that was the time

I went to Jimmy Kimmel with Sarah and Doug and that was the one where she did I'm fucking Matt Damon that whole thing that was like the debut of it was a Jimmy's birthday and we were there and um she's always been so nice to me like hey doll you know just like hey there like always calling me doll and like just like oh come here and just so loving so sweet always so nice and we never become like close friends because I I mean I wouldn't if I her was her

want to be close friends with someone who's that obsessed with me. It's the same reason I don't think Taylor Swift and I will ever be that close, no matter what happens, because it's just hard to be friends with someone that's that obsessed with you. But today on the Today Show, I got to kind of gush about her

and to her face, which I think I've done before, but probably tried to play it a little bit cooler today I was really able to like go pretty fucking hard right in front of what makes you feel like you're able to gush more like because I was on camera and it was just easier with like you know all those people everything's always easier on a camera yeah yeah like I would never do tell her that because like it's a lot to take on someone's energy when they're like I love you like I've known everything like that's a lot for that person that's why I tend to not do that and burden people with that I don't mind it when people do it to me I like help them through

it and like I get it but I I just don't want to bother people that are just you know they have she's a long day of press I'm sure I just did but on camera But on camera, I'm like, this is more, this is interesting. This is better for other people to witness and for her to kind of like have to take it because we're on camera as opposed to like. Did you do it on her role? What was her role on the show? Like, what did she talk about?

She was there promoting, she has a play that I walked by today. I'm in Chelsea and I walked by this theater and I see a sign for the bedwetter. And I'm like, that's the name of Sarah's book. And then I look and I'm like, that's walk by this theater and I see a sign for the bedwetter and I'm like that's the name of Sarah's book and then I look and I'm like that's a play by Sarah Silver I was like oh it's a musical of the book and it's the musical she's promoting that um the guy from Fountains of Wayne Adam uh Schlesinger I forget his last name but he died during COVID um but he wrote this he died tragically he's the lead singer Fountains of Wayne but they wrote this whole musical that was supposed to come out in 2020 and now it's coming out now and she was

there promoting that but we just had fun and she did a segment then i did a segment and she was sitting there for it and then we did this other segment called like secrets and we were supposed to write down secrets on a piece of paper and then they put them in a bowl me hoda jenna bush the two hosts of the day show and then sarah and my secrets were really weird and theirs were all adorable and mine were you know i like to watch videos of people having corns cut out of their foot to like soothe myself to sleep and theirs were like one time i threw a shoe at my sister's head and it cut her lip or like one time i one time I used to sell now and laters to my classmates. And mine was,

the other one I did was I can't get a ring off my finger. It's been on for two months, and I have no plan. I'm going to die with it on. So that was my other secret. But I had a hard time coming up with secrets. I really did.

I gave them a bunch, but those were the two they chose. Let me see what I gave them. It's kind of like when people are like my, what's it called when it's like my, oh, fuck. I just, never mind. I just drew a blank. COVID brain?

Yeah, when you have COVID brain and you can't think of anything. What's it called when, not when you have a dirty secret, when you have a, you'll know it. I kind of know what you're talking about. You know it. Like a guilty pleasure. Bukkake. Bukkake. Bukkake. Oh, God.

Malarkey. No, malarkey. Well, it's really hard to come up with a secret because you could think a secret is something that... My guilty pleasure. My guilty pleasure. I hate... Or like a trivia.

Guilty pleasure. Oh, they're always like something adorable. Yeah. It's like, I like to eat pizzas cold sometimes. It's never anything that's really guilty. There was some cooking demonstration in the segment before us, and we were watching it, and Sarah was like, I've never had fish. I go, is that your secret today?

That's a good secret. She was like, I've never eaten fish. I'm from New Hampshire, and I'm from New England, and I've never had fish. And I was like, is that your secret? And she goes, no she goes no that's a good one though I should have said that one but hers um her I forget what hers were they were they were darling what they were mine were I gave them I can speak a secret language that I learned on spring break in high school that is super easy to learn but impossible to understand unless you know it I have a ring on my finger that I can't get off it has been stuck for two months and I have given up and plan on dying with it on i said to soothe myself to sleep at night i

watch videos of people having corns and other growths cut dug out of their feet um number four i don't understand football and i've tried many times to learn the game but it makes no sense to me and never will and number five my biggest phobias are centipedes air shows and men jumping off of diving boards i was gonna say fat men but i didn't want a fat shame but it is fat men dumping off of diving boards i don't know why it fat men, but I didn't want a fat shame, but it is fat men jumping off of diving boards. I don't know why. It's like, it's just bulky men.

Bulky brazen men. Have you ever seen a guy live fall off a diving board bad? Like, have you seen anything? Like, what are these fears? Like, I know you went to the air show.

I still want someone to get hurt. I don't want anyone to get hurt. I don't want to see blood. I don't want to see a, I don't want to hear a head go thwack. Like, I do not like, I didn't like watching America's Home Videos

with Danny Tanner. Like I love that show, but like I hated seeing people get hit in the balls. I hate seeing people, Tosh.0, unwatchable to me because I cannot trust that I'm not going to see someone get like really maimed. But I have a new bit on stage

about how like my favorite YouTube videos are the beauty queen who fell in the fire and had to develop a personality. Like those are all my favorite YouTube videos are the beauty queen who fell in the fire and had to develop a personality. Those are all my favorite. I love seeing the aftermath of these accidents, but I don't want to witness the accident itself. Yeah, you like to see them rebound from the horrible thing that happened.

I just love people that have been crazily disfigured and they have to go out in their world and everyone stares at them every little kids make comments people's like people whisper and they they just love themselves i think it's just such it's so it's such a good thing to watch it is not me being morbid like oh i want to see what this girl looks like with her face burned off it truly motivates me because anything i think that i can't go out because i don't i i think that i can't go out because i don't i feel sad or i can't go up because i feel ugly or whatever like just to see these people

how their lives changed when they had to overcome this they not all of them make it i'm sure but the ones that you hear stories about like their lives are so much better and they just nothing can get them down like it's just incredible and it just means deep down that none of that stuff really matters these people are way happier than i would guess j-lo is a lot of times it's amazing how do i put it though where it's like when you're confident like you'll see someone that's so disfigured that they lean so much into the confidence of it because here's the thing yes they're gonna get a lot of negativity but they're gonna get a shit ton of positivity because it's so extreme you know what i mean like like like i'm not trying to like i'm not trying to like

huh i'm not trying to like they deserve it of course whatever they want of course i'm not using it to get like more like likes or whatever fucking yes do it agree but i i know like if if there's something about you that can be toned down in terms of like you know because their thing when you see a burn victim it is a normal thing to go oh my god like it is a person that is doesn't look like a person. So you should have a reaction to it. It's totally normal to go, Oh my God. One time when I was in traffic, it was one of the most horrible things that I've ever done.

And I didn't mean to, and I couldn't help it. But I looked to the right of me when I was stopped at a stoplight and a burn victim was staring at me from the car next to me. And I just go, I screamed because it was so frightening to see someone that looked so disfigured and I felt so bad, but it was a normal reaction to that because it was so frightening to see someone that looked so disfigured and i felt so bad but it was a normal reaction to that because it was it looked like someone who you know like it looked like a human but not a human it's a why we we don't yeah it was a normal reaction so i feel like if you have to throw water on them nikki and And I go, kill it, kill it. No, I felt so fucking bad.

We had one burn victim in our town. You always have like, there's always one. There's always like one and they have like no ears. I love them so much. And like, and people, no, you know that they did the stand up thing. Their lives are so fucking hard. They did that stand up thing where they had, you know, burn victims and stuff do stand up about it. And I remember watching that and it actually like changed my perspective not my perspective but like

i understood it more i think what happens is you ignore it because you just you're so afraid of it like when you're a kid and you make fun of it and you're scared of it and i really do believe that like if you if you become friends with a burn victim you do not see it at all anymore or someone with a gigantic tumor hanging off their face that they have to like part it so they can even put things in their mouth like I've seen all these things on YouTube. I don't have an experience specifically that I can say of like oh I I know that feeling but like I know that when I was like so skinny that I looked so scary like my friends did not see what they saw when they first met me ultimately it just they didn't look at me like a skeleton like a walking skeleton they just they even told me they were like we like I forget that you look so like I forgot that you look so scary people would like come to me and be like what's wrong with nikki and i'd be like oh my god i forgot and i remember hanging out with josh blue who has cerebral palsy and i was a little bit scared to

hang out with him because his body is very like twisted up and like really you know um you know cramped up in in a way that he's struggling with um CP. And I used to be like, I just don't want to be around it because I was like scared that I didn't know how to hug him or I didn't know how to like, should I help him with things or like when he talks slow or he talks weird,

like it's just, you're scared of what you don't know. And I just remember working with him one weekend and like by the end of it, I was like, I just didn't even know he had a thing like i forgot that he i was in public with him and saw people looking and like didn't understand why they were looking it seriously disappeared and that was the first time i was like oh you really can it you you just you adapt and you just you really do tend to love someone for who they are. And that's, I think, probably an adaptation because we stay with each other even after we're, like, old. We end up looking like burn victims anyway with how old we get and, like, wrinkly and stuff. Like, we end up looking.

And you're tan. Yeah, exactly. I'll do a fake burn someday. But spray burn. Spray burn. But, yeah, I think no i think yeah i think exposure to it i think um yeah it is yeah but how do you you know it it sucks because you can't experience it unless you get to get close to them like you can't just like rent someone that has a deformity so you can feel better about it like i wish questions and engage them ask them about it because like

they're willing to talk to you about it and acting like it's not there is not like you can act like it's not there when you don't need to actually ask them about it go oh my god what the fuck happened to you but it's actually okay to do that like i've i've found i mean i don't want to speak for all of them but like people who have disabilities don't mind you going like, what's going on here? Like, can you explain it? Have you ever seen the movie The Greatest Showman?

Yeah. No. Oh, it's this. It's all this. It's all this. It's the best movie ever. Oh, because it's like a freak show at circus, right? Yeah, it's unbelievable.

Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Maybe I got to see it. Yeah, I'll just never forget like watching i've talked about it before but i did watch it with like my five-year-old nephew and my brother was like this isn't quite right for them yet like i i think i want to i think i want to they have were they okay at the end of it they have questions uh i i think i was like they gotta see this movie i was like i think this is more about me than my nephews

Oh my god isn't so often Whenever you make someone watch something They never like it as much as you do Oh yeah and you're like you're looking at them the whole time Like like it like it That's why I say go alone to shows You don't have to check in on anyone Just go fucking enjoy things

Alright let's get to the news You heard it here first yeah you heard it here first oh it's tuesday folks you know what that means it is tuesday hope you're having all the swells out there uh if uh if you're not it's okay we're all depressed well just me i'm alone sometimes i think about life and how it's just not really that great and like i could be more and everything and to you noah what's up all right well you can go see nikki and andrew at the state theater in minneapolis yeah on april 29th i'm excited about that I will be in such good moods for those shows. I really hope people come out. I'm going to be in the best mood ever.

My fucking press week will be over. Welcome Home Nikki Glaser will be out that Sunday. There's nothing else I have to do. It will be a vacation for me in Minneapolis and Madison this weekend. I will be in the best mood. Please come out to those shows. It'll be worse.

I'll still be depressed, guys. So just bear with me. Yeah. And give Andrew a hug at the meet and greet will you come on all right what's the first news item all right the first news item was sent to me by a one nikki glazer oh yeah i forget what this was but i wrote inside news when did we start doing this i forget it already so all right all right this is nuts a study finds that a majority of people discount habits that underlie much of human behavior much like drinking coffee for example and they write them off as behaviors that are due to our mood and our intentions scientists say that much of what we do every day is habitual.

That automatic triggering of behavior versus conscious intentions is what makes a behavior habit. So what they were saying, what I gleaned from this is like a lot of times people wake up in the morning. They're like, I need coffee. I'm so tired. I need it to wake up. It's not so much that you need it to wake up. You just are like succumbing to a habit. So like we are more addicted to habits than we are the substance that we think we're addicted to,

which was kind of turned what I think about caffeine addiction on its head for me. I and I do believe that like I woke up this morning and I go, there are times where I do not need coffee. I just want to do something. I want to do the thing that's comfortable going into the Starbucks, the mobile order, pressing like the submit button, going in, grabbing it, the warm cup in my hand. It's not about the drug as much as it is about the habit. I thought that was, I just thought that was interesting. Does that make you think about anything in your life? I mean, yeah, every time we get starbucks i mean yeah i mean that's what you even said yesterday oh what oh i mean yesterday right

two days ago it made me just i don't know a half a cup of coffee i mean it's just it changes your whole life we got to the airport monday morning in nashville and you go god coffee is good and i was like isn't it like we just were in such a better mood than when we got in the car but it could be us feeling fulfilled from doing our ritual ritual a habit yeah no what does a ritual do though does a ritual make you feel safe yeah you know what i mean it makes you feel safe it makes you feel like you're not gonna die yes like things are happening the way they're supposed to. There's nothing like novel is fun and sexy. But I think when it comes to habits, there's something just very comforting about it. Yeah. I've never been a habitual person. Yeah. What are your habits in the morning?

No. When you wake up in the morning, do you have the same breakfast every morning? I don't have the same breakfast every morning. I guess maybe going on my phone is a bad habit, but this also applies to good habits. Yes. From what they said. Like what? workout routine on his Instagram story, like doing it on a regular basis around the same time and the same way. And just, you know, um,

maybe you thought the intention was, Oh, I'm going to get in shape to look better, but it could have been like something else. It was a habit. Right. Like to build, to build a comfortable,

like, yeah, habit. And also like it gave you something to do at a certain time of day. It was positive. You felt good after. So that like it gave you something to do at a certain time of day. It was positive. You felt good after. So that is what kept you motivated. So we could also look at it in that way.

There's something just so cozy about the thing you do every, like when I get into bed and I get to pull up Reddit every day, it just means my day is over and I get this thing that I save till the end of the day. I don't go on Reddit before then

because it's like, that's my safe, that's my fun little like cachet of all this fun stuff I get to read. That's just such a little treat for me. In the morning, breakfast and coffee are so exciting every morning as a habit.

Also, you know, walking my dog when I do have my dog with me or yeah, even this. do you check your phone when you wake up oh my god yes what of course it's not even a habit it's just like a reflex i have a question though yeah knowing this do you think that you could change a bad habit more easily now that you know that it's not something that your system absolutely needs like yeah because i this this is fits into everything i believe about addictions or about like bad behavior is that we convince ourselves it's so hard to quit because we're addicted like smoking people are

like oh god but like when you really get down to it a nicotine addiction is not a difficult addiction at all it's like that's part of the propaganda by the cigarette companies is to convince you it's hard because they know if you think it's hard you can go oh it's hard i can't quit so as soon as i let go of oh nicotine's hard to quit which i've been telling myself for years it was easy to let go of so if i'm able to tell myself when i'm craving that third coffee like is this because you're tired and you need caffeine and like you're scared of a headache will come on if you don't have it or is this because you just are feeling a little stressed out and you want to feel the comfort of a habit and i think it'll be easier to let go of i think yeah i'm not checking my phone i'm gonna go

granted i still haven't gone to that chinese place i said i was going to but i'm not checking my i'm not checking my phone we gotta get to get to the Columbine story before any of this. Oh, it's soon. I think it's next. I told Noah about it. I feel it coming. I'm not checking my phone before I get out of bed from now on. At least for a month. I just don't believe. How are you going to enforce this?

Try it. Let's all try it. Let's all try it. We're not checking our... Do we remind ourselves before we go to bed tonight? Will you guys remind me? Because I'll forget. Okay, so what can we check?

In the morning, I will just... But I have to have my phone next to me. Why? For work. No, for my white noise. And my alarm clock. All right. Maybe just me and Andrew will try.

No, no. In the morning, I don't check Instagram right away. I eventually get to it. In the morning, I usually put on Chris's radio show as I get into the shower and get ready. And then that's fine. That's not your phone. That's cool. I don't check Instagram and emails and texts until like,

sometimes I'll see texts and there's tons of them. And I'm just like, no, I don't need to do this right now. Like when I have time, it comes, I can do it. um,

can I get to the next story? Yes, please. Let's do it but um can i get to the next story yes please let's do it okay i'm in the habit of just like talking so long for through the first story so let's change that habit all right this is a crazy story firefighters rescued a woman who had tumbled into a public vault toilet do you know what that is i heard about this she dropped her phone she dropped her phone in there a vault toilet is one of those like public toilets that don't flush it's just like a like a well where all the like a porta potty except deeper and a little bit bigger um while attempting to fish her cell phone out of

the waste using dog leashes so basically what she did she was using the phone on the toilet when it fell in after she disassembled the toilet seat she used dog leashes to try to retrieve the phone and eventually used... Mount Walker. There was a dog. Did she have a dog? Yes, yes. Why did she have leashes?

So she tied herself off as she reached for it, and the effort failed. She fell horrifically into the vault. So glad Avi didn't have to go fucking rescue this bitch. These poor firefighters. They said it was like the first time they ever had to rescue someone. She fell head first into that poop well. Just because she needed her phone. What was on her phone?

Like this is it. Is this woman, do we know her name and face? Well, here's the thing. Is she disfigured after being rescued she was washed down and she was strongly encouraged to seek medical attention after being exposed to human waste but she didn't she just wanted to leave she was probably so embarrassed did you get her phone did you get her phone she did that's how she called the firefighters. Oh, God. She called from inside the shit cavern. I mean, my stomach is flipping right now.

That's the most disgusting thing I can ever imagine. Like, what a torturous thing to happen. Where does it end? I mean, I want to know. Man, I would watch a seven-hour documentary series about this incident and about this woman and her life, how it got to this. How we got to this, I want to know about her childhood. I want to know what happened.

What's on her phone? What is on her phone? What she looks at on her phone? What app she's using? How far would you go, though, to get your phone? Let's say you were walking into an elevator, and the phone fell in between the elevator and like the door and it fell down i would go to the front desk and go this is what happened what what are we looking at what what can we do and then i would just go to

the at&t store and go i'm fucked like listen i have the financial means to buy another phone right away and it's not a huge hit but like i would i would go pretty far to get back my phone. But dropping it in the toilet? Yeah, I'd reach right in and grab it. A vault toilet? Fuck no. You've done shittings. Yeah, I've done shittings.

I'm not scared of getting my hands a little dirty. You talked with Andrew Santino about it. Yeah, I did. I saw someone. This happened to someone in front of me. I swear to God. No, I'm not kidding. I was at camp and we were looking for like worms.

Andrew. We were looking for like worms to fish. And we were like picking up big rock. We were trying to pick up rocks. And there was this big heavy like rock. And we didn't know why it was so heavy. And we had like four people try to like big, heavy rock. And we didn't know why it was so heavy. And we had four people try to fucking move this rock. And we moved it.

We moved it. And we moved it. And fucking, it was covering a shithole. Like a shit. And then someone fell on it? And the kid just fell right in. Wait, did you push him? Or did he slip with the rock?

He slipped and he just fell and i was like can you grab a worm while you're down no no no he was you were like grab a dog leash can you grab him out did he was able to get out or was he like swimming in this shithole so he was swimming in it for a second he was able to he grabbed him but it was to his neck and he's running around he got out of there and he didn't know what to do with his body you don't know what to do when you're oh god and he's just he was running around like like like like i don't know like a chicken with a head cut off like he didn't know what to do like he was yeah it was it was that embarrassing like i mean i don't know i mean uh i think i

talked about on the podcast before but the homeless man in Hollywood Boulevard, who a woman, after she got done with a dinner with her friends in 2019, was walking to her car. It was parked on Hollywood Boulevard. And a homeless man with a bucket of his feces that he had been collecting for weeks and months. It was warm diarrhea. He dumped it on, pulled her out into the street

as she was trying to get into her car, dumped it on her, and then left. And she had shit water coming off of her eyelashes. it was just and she she's awesome she went public with it and was like i feel sad for that man we need to help these homeless people like this man was clearly deranged like she was not gonna hide she was not embarrassed of what happened to her and i think most people would be like once you've been doused in shit you think that like how can she was like i have trauma from it i have ptsd you think that like, how can she was like, I have trauma from it. I have PTSD.

Like I still like she's, but she was so you can watch the news report on it. It's wild. It's wild. And they have a like a video of it too. It's disgusting. It's so awful. I'm sorry. I'd rather be punched in the face and shit thrown on.

Absolutely. It's just the, it's so wild. This thing that is inside all of us on a daily basis that we let go of. And it was like, we are walking around with inside of us is the number one fear of all of us. That makes us like, I really feel nauseous right now, even talking about these. And I'm not someone who gets really like sick from talking about gross stuff.

I'm not someone who's like, don't talk about that. I'm eating right now. I'm feeling my stomach is doing things. So let's get to, why do I, Oh yeah. Let's get to the next story. Okay. This is fun. who's like don't talk about that i'm eating right now i'm feeling my stomach is doing things so let's get to why do i oh yeah let's get to the next story okay this is fun um this is the most popular song from the year you were born okay thanks to just jared for coming up with this okay 1984 i think i know what it is what do you you think? Oh, God. It was... I've looked this up before because it's like...

Maybe artist? Do you remember the artist? Wait, is this the year you were born or the month? The year you were born. Oh. Most popular song of the year. I'm guessing Whitney Houston. That's what I'm guessing.

Prince? Something by Prince? No. I don't know. You're not that far off. Really? It's Jump by Van Halen. Oh, yeah. Prince? No. I don't know. You're not that far off. Really? It's Jump by Van Halen.

Oh, yeah. Go ahead and jump, jump. Jump. Yeah. For my love. Jump in. Jump in. If you want it. Wait, no, that's not the right song.

That's a different one. Jump. Jump, jump for my love. That's a different song. I know how it goes, but I'm not going to sing it. Yeah. It's not what you're singing. That's interesting because when you're a baby you like don't hear music you know you like don't retain it so it's not like that brings me back to like oh that brings me back to coming out of my mom's puss oh nostalgia all right what about 1980 for andrew any guesses? 80? I mean, I'm guessing something like...

Ario Speedwagon. Good guess. Something. George Michael, maybe? That's a good guess. Good guess. It's actually Blondie, and the song is Call Me. Oh, yeah.

Call me down by the river side nope that one i think it's call me i don't know if you can call me any any time call me kind of sounds like a little bit call me call me okay what about you noah jump from for me it was 1983. Okay. 1983? Hmm. This is tough because none of us were really alive yet. I mean, I was alive. When you're a baby, you're not like... I could guess what the song was when I was like, you know, in the late 90s to early 2000s.

I don't know. I don't know what it was. It was The Police. Pour some sugar on me, Bon Jovi. Ooh. The Police, Every Breath You Take. Oh, that's a good one. What a year. know i don't know what it was it it was pour some sugar on me bon jovi oh the police every breath you take oh that's a good one what a year that's really good you know that um september 11th september like the number one song during september 11th on billboard charts was

i keep on falling in and out of love with a fallen uh what yeah that's true alicia keys behind this i know well you know i'm not pointing any fingers but yeah i love to look up like what was happening at that time of like what was the number one song when fucking covid hit um oh 2020 was that let's see yeah what was the covid yeah what was the 2020 yeah what was what was the day before we found out of covid like i think she just has years uh oh yeah so then what was it 2020 covid drop yeah i mean that was classically march 2020 i'll listen to sirens covid other people are still banging their pots and pans okay um 2020 the most popular song according to this list was blinding lights by the weekend yep that checks out everyone's doing it on

tiktok ding ding it's so weird that that someday is going to be the same as call me Yep, that checks out. Everyone's doing it on TikTok. It's so weird that that someday is going to be the same as, call me, I don't know, you can call me. It's going to be such like a throwback song. It's just, I mean, I know that's the way it works, but it's just weird that that will be an oldie someday. Even though I think that oldies still are oldies. Like to me, 60s music is still oldies and 90s music is just 90s music. Even though 90s music now is oldies like to me 60s music is still oldies and 90s music is just 90s music even though

90s music now is oldies when 60s music was oldies back in the 90s yeah but right like 90s isn't oldies do you think it's oldies to young kids well that like 2000 is far enough from us as like when night when 1980 music in 2000 like yeah you know i mean yes it's wild it's yeah age is weird i know but we're the youngest we're ever gonna be so just like fucking be excited about it i mean i just have to be i know um i actually on that podcast today i got to talk to that 20 year old who's on it named josh something but he was so sweet he's 20 years old and he's like a TikTok kid and they were playing his TikToks because they wanted me to roast him but I was like you're adorable and I was like honestly I want to know like what went into this TikTok like how many times did you practice it did you know that you like look cute when you like look to the side and like kind of smile and do like oh like I was like

did you know he's like I was like tell me the setting like where did this happen he's like 2017 I'm in my basement I was like was your me the setting. Like, where did this happen? He's like, 2017. I'm in my basement. I was like, was your mom like, dinner? And you were like, one more, mom. And he was like, yeah, kind of. And it was like, it was interesting. It was like behind the music VH1, but behind the TikTok. It was fascinating, actually.

No, it is wild that like all these kids start somewhere. They start in a basement. And they like, they're somehow good looking enough where they could just go you know and and i go did you know you were cute like did you know like when you what did he say like and kind of he goes yeah and i go you're right you are one of them they showed me a video later and i go were you of age when you made this and he was like yeah and i was like you're hot i didn't want to comment because the first one i almost said it but he was a little young but then the second one i was like okay yes he goes no that was last week and i go you're hot. I didn't want to comment because the first one, I almost said it, but he was a little young. But then the second one,

I was like, okay, yes. He goes, no, that was last week. And I go, you're hot. You're a cute kid.

Good for you. All right. They all care who they're dating and everything. Like, it's a weird world. They were like, they were, they,

on the show, they were like, Josh, you got, you got caught this weekend canoodling with a woman at a club. I'm like, who is this kid? Why are teens filming him at a club? Like, it they're so famous and um i don't give a fuck it's not the type of fame

that i'm like i want in and i want to understand i'm so glad that i don't get it and i'm glad it happens for them like they're allowed to have their own famous world it's like k-pop i don't know any k-pop artist at all but they are bigger than any american movie star in terms of fans by far and it's okay uh what do we call it when they were all on like the teen magazines it's the same shit they're all that those are those kids they're gonna grow up much bigger now k-pop stars are much bigger than like backstreet really i i believe so yes yes i do think so i could be wrong though okay let's take a quick break and come back with Reddit Dump. Oh, no.

Why do I care? Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. It's time for Why Do I Care? Why do I care? Okay, I don't know if you really care about this, but the besties want to know if you do, so that's why I included it. Oh, all right. Howard Stern slams johnny depp

for overacting amid his defamation trial against amber heard oh what's your take on the whole johnny depp amber heard you know i'm on reddit and reddit fucking hates her and johnny depp's a hero and but reddit's filled with men and they just love villainizing this woman who they could never get in real life and so they they love that there might be this storyline where she's the one who's the abuser and he's the innocent one i've done my research and it isn't great research but what i can glean is that they're both abusive idiots and they both did stuff that was reprehensible and gross and yeah that's how i feel the news is, though. I think you nailed it.

People are dying for people to go, believe men. People want to hear that narrative so bad. And it is a real narrative. I get it. But they're really leaning into, he's such a soft man. You know what I mean?

Meanwhile, he's like, I'm going to shit on her and burn her body and eat her feces like he's not the nicest guy in the world where they both can be shitty like can't we have that yeah can't they be both be wrong does it have to be one or the other and i did i haven't seen him on on the stand though but i i have a lot of friends who are like she's awful and he's just amazing and i'm like open your eyes he's terrible too he's he definitely has kicked her before he definitely has thrown things he's had violent tantrums he's said disgusting things it doesn't and maybe he did those in defense at some point of getting hit himself which but then

I will excuse it but not all of those were probably like they're both just two abusive people at each other and I you know I don't know the details of it though but i wanted it to just all be her god i wanted it so bad just like everyone else but it's it's not that it's not all her i saw this video it is her did you see the video where they go uh tony you're uh you would say you're much bigger than she is and it gets quiet and he just goes, I wouldn't say that. And it just shows her face and it's just so hard. I'm not even like, I don't even have the energy to follow it.

I can't watch it. Yeah, I don't care. And it makes me uncomfortable to watch them have to listen to their voice memos and hear back the text and stuff. It's too awkward for me. I don't like it. It's uncomfortable. And I'm glad that i can sit this one out i really am choosing to sit it out

um let's get to reddit dump karaoke mode this is your reddit dump what up okay reddit dump let's do it i mean I have not been saving things that much. So I'm just going to try to throw some things at you and see if we've been through them before. Okay. Here's one. Ask Reddit. I don't think I've done this before. What's a piece of information you learned that now feels almost illegal to know? I don't know. I can't even think of something for myself. But someone said, when a satellite television service updates your programming, the change signal is only sent for a day or two satellite bandwidth is finite and expensive so if you were to upgrade your service to get all the channels disconnect your hardware after they

all showed up then called to downgrade and waited a few days your system will miss the downgrade signal and it could be years before any changes get made that would correct your lineup that just seems illegal but i guess it's not because it would take forever to correct did you get that does that make sense to you depression huh no no i'm confused but then i got it no it confused me but it makes sense but i but it's a way to get all the channels because people do that all the time don't they what do you mean to then upgrade and then downgrade when they realize they can't afford an upgrade but then the upgrade stays because it takes so long

for that downgrade to happen so why isn't everyone doing this well now they might because I'm proliferating it that's why it feels illegal someone said creating nitrogen triodide when in a liquid form, it is stable, but once it dries so much as a fly landing on it

creates a purple smoke explosion. It's so unstable that alpha radiation can be used to detonate that stuff. It's actually easy to get the material. I don't want to even tell people how to do it. I think there's a lot of things like that. Someone said, it is legal to grow opium poppies in the United States, but only if you don't know

that they can be used to make drugs. That's insane that you got to be like, I don't know. I didn't know. What do you think, Johnny Depp? They're just pretty. Do you know that they can be drugs? I do now. Am I in trouble?

That's a weird thing that as long as you don't know. You've been selling them now for six years. I don't know, man. I don't know. It's as long as you don't know. You've been selling them now for six years. Well, I don't know, man. I don't know. It's so funny. I don't know. You know what I find weird lately? With the whole Russia stuff, they go, you know, Putin's testing nuclear weapons that might be ready four months from now.

Stop saying nuclear. Huh? You say nuclear like George W w bush did never made fun of him you did it last week and i go what'd you say potatoes nuclear the caucus yeah okay okay so yeah russia putin no but all this info is just like on twitter it's like who where are the surprises in war we're just like oh in four, in four months, he's going to... I don't know. I just find all this information is just being put out there,

and everyone's just like, oh, okay, in four months, he'll be ready with the nuclear bomb and whatever. I don't know. I just find like... Do you know what I'm saying? Does this make any sense? Oh, like there's no surprise attacks anymore is what you're saying? Yeah.

Let me tell you. Yes, there are. That's why we have TSA. There's surprise attacks, my friend. I don't know. But I think there and there's definitely like I was surprised with the whole Ukraine thing that there is like ground combat still. Like there's still like fighting in the streets and like that there are guys fights i

heard okay let's play the let's play the video of the funeral guy noah what happened at the funeral you'll see this is a guy on a talk show that this one it's kind of like a almost like a news show that this woman hosts and she goes to this guy who has a peculiar job. Bill, you're a private investigator. You also call yourself a coffin confessor. What do you do? In short, I crash funerals on behalf of the deceased. So people hire you, they tell you, say, a secret that they have while they're alive, and then they ask you to reveal that truth either at their funeral or when their will is made. I thought this was fake.

Will reading or it could be a private message to somebody delivered face-to-face. This guy's real. Yeah, a job for anybody that can just do it. It takes a little bit of nerve but at the same time, it's a request that started, believe it or not, as a joke. Tell us about your first client. Do tell us.

It was Graeme. He was a gentleman that I'd been investigating a claim for. I got to know him only for a short while. He had cancer. He was close to death. We got to talking about death in the afterlife and all things surrounding death. And I suggested he do his own eulogy. He said he'd been to plenty of funerals where eulogies just aren't shown out of disrespect or

the families just don't show. And so I suggested I crash his funeral for him and he took me up on the offer and I did so. What did he want you to say at his funeral? He wanted me to out his best mate for trying to sleep with his wife while he was on his deathbed. He also asked me to remove three people from the congregation that he hadn't seen in 30 years, so why would they pay him the respect now when they could, you know, seen him when he was alive?

And you went through with it? Absolutely. What was the response? Shock. I'm interrupting a funeral, you know, between, you know, loved ones sitting there and greeting and his best mates performing eulogy and I stand up, interrupt the funeral service and announce that his best mate's got to sit down,

shut up or bugger off because the man in the coffin's got something to say and this is what it is. And I'll open the envelope and I'll read aloud exactly what was said. Did the best man stay put, walk out? He left pretty quickly. Why do you think some people take this approach Did the best man stay put, walk out? He left pretty quickly.

Why do you think some people take this approach to confess after death? Well, most of it's because they haven't got the strength to get up and punch the people in the face that are hurting them. That's really what it is. I mean, it's not all bad either. I mean, it's good, bad, funny and sad. There's quite a range of funerals that I've crashed. How much do you charge? Between $2,000 and $10,000,

but they don't need the money where they're going, and I never get a complaint. You've said that one before, right? Many times. What a cutie. What do you think about that, Andrew? You loved it, right? It's my favorite thing I think I've seen it in years i knew it it's a long clip but i just thought people would like it first of all

the silence in the crowd is huh the silence in the crowd is so funny but god would i love to play to do that with someone in my family you know yeah you would like to do it after you're dead or you would like to be it after you're dead, or you would like to be the guy that stands? I don't think you could, I think you would be too awkward. You get so uncomfortable when something's like- Oh no, I wouldn't want to be, I wouldn't want to be that,

I couldn't be that guy. I couldn't be like, excuse me, you were trying to fuck this dead guy's body. I would love to be that guy. I would like that job, but I could see you not liking that job. That's why I was surprised. I was like,

I think that's one of those things of me picking up dog shit with leaves where you like want to scramble away. No, I would like to be dead and telling a secret to everybody about like, and have everyone have to feel awkward

at my own funeral. That would be kind of fun. That would be kind of fun. Oh man. I think it'd be fun. Yeah, it would be fun. Have you ever seen the one

where the guy um has a recording inside his casket that's like guys let me out of here boom boom boom please let me out i'm awake and everyone is around it's being he's being laid into the ground and everyone's laughing because they knew this guy had such a funny sense of humor and it really does sound like he's in there like come on guys i'm serious oh my god i mean dude you've been to a funeral they're the fucking it's like anything to cut the tension would be nice you know it's good yes i i don't know there was a part of that where he said like you know he he wanted the guy to say um to kick people out that hadn't visited it hadn't talked to him in 30 years i'm like why would

anyone who haven't you haven't talked to in 30 years come here that's a long that's a lifetime like that's too long like why does he know those people are going to go to the funeral that's weird but i do think it's funny if you're sitting at a funeral and a guy a random dude yes no one knows that no one knows and i was even wondering why he's there stands up and says i've got the man in the casket has something to say you need to shut up to the guy that's delivering the eulogy it's wild it's so cool but yeah it would be like that would be really hard to do what's like the most like um have you ever had a moment like that where you were really scared to like stand up and say something and like you need you knew you needed to do something and you were just like i'm about to like really embarrass myself have you had any

any feeling like that before where you were like i mean i've had moments i've had moments where like you feel like you have to like speak at a funeral or like do something like that which just scared a living shit out of me scare and speak at a wedding i hate oh oh but that's planned oh oh you mean like out of nowhere just like you just like a feeling like that where you're like oh god i gotta do this i know i gotta do it i'm scared to do it you know what i was scared of you know what i was scared of that's not really even planned and it's it goes back to my freshman year in college what so when you when you're on your floor you know everyone meets up in in like the study you when you're on your floor you know everyone meets up in in like the study hall or whatever like on your floor and everyone meets each other and you have

to stand up and you just got to go this is my name this is where i'm from this is my age yes you can't believe how afraid i was to do things like that where i would be shaking really and because i would think everyone would judge me based off of like how I said where I'm from or whatever like it scared the living shit and now that I speak in front of people people are like what how's that possible but things like that where it's like I would feel so much judgment and fear from things like that and that's like that makes me think of that like something like that where and we always do that to people we always go oh it's so easy. Just what's your name?

What's your sign? Where are you from? Tell me something interesting about yourself. Some people, that could be the scariest possible thing they could do. It's so scary. We have to go because my computer is literally about to die and it's not taking a charge. So I'm going to go into final thought. Yeah, that's the scariest thing ever.

And I'm just going to go until my computer dies to be honest with you is that okay did you ever did you have that moment in Colorado or Kansas or other no I loved those opportunities I actually loved those times where you were like oh say something interesting about yourself or like you're saying something your name is Nikki and then I like blah blah blah and has to be something

that starts with the same letter as your name and I would always say nice people because nothing else starts with N that is like okay you know it's like that's not numb bats like i never knew what to say um i i think the moment like things like this that kind of give me anxiety is when i'm like i see someone being wronged and i know i have to stand up for them and be like what the fuck are you doing right now like i think like when i have to do something like that or i have to go like hey that's not cool or like be the one to like stand up really gives me anxiety just anyone i'm trying to think of like at a um uh you know when i was walking down the street in canada one time and a guy was like blaring his music from his

phone and i had to be like stop like turn that off that's rude and like that moment of anxiety but i knew i was right and i knew that one. Like this guy needed to be called out. And I rarely do something like that. But those moments where you just have the bravery to be like. I'm going to call out like assholes right now. And like I. And I'm going to look stupid. I'm going to look unhinged.

I'm going to be the one that's like the guy at that funeral. That's standing up and everyone goes. Who are you to say something. But like no. I know I'm doing what's right. This guy. I need to understand why he would be blasting your music. your speakerphone where it sounds shitty when we're in public it's wild i go what if it was taylor's folklore would you be pissed though if it was music i'd

say turn it up bro yeah let me connect my fucking airpods yeah no he goes your nail polish offends me and i go it's offensive it goes it's loud he goes your nail polish is loud and i go my blue nail polish this is offensive he was like yeah and i was like oh really i think i did that and then i'm like out of stuff to say it was a huge photos on the plane this this trip oh yeah someone like airdropped a photo to me and i was like should i accept it because i thought it might be a dick because sometimes people send like gross stuff to women and i accepted it was just like two people on the plane being like selfies which was worse than a dick it was a bachelorette party yeah um makes me sick loud bachelorette parties that is another thing on planes that's a perfect example on a plane where someone's being rude and you go not enough one guy the other day on a plane was like i i can i i need to make my

connection and the woman's like um sir, you have to sit down. He goes, I've been on more planes than you have in your life. He says this to a flight attendant. I, I, he goes, I've literally flown more than you have. I saved children for a living. And I was, and he was already bragging about when I got on the plane, this fucking asshole. I was so close to calling him out, but then he, he shut up. And I was like, if he says one more thing i get to i get to say something and

then he didn't say anything i was so mad because it would have been so good to be like you i go i was planning on saying the fact that you save children i wouldn't let a child near you you fucking creep you're bragging about flying more than this flight attendant shut up no one i was i was gonna go off so hard and everyone's gonna applaud that probably look at your nail polish before you said something yeah that's a good point. Actually, my cuticles were bleeding and I was like, I can't say anything. Guys, we got to go. I don't know why Talking Faster is going to make this my

battery not die, but I have to go. Thank you for listening to the podcast. We'll be here tomorrow. Don't be cut. And Jack Crap. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show, Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend John Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines,

exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show, Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.