The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #210 Get On The Floor

Episode Date: April 28, 2022

It's good to be back in studio with your Bestie and see your other Bestie on a larger screen. Today is Nikki Glaser Day in STL and hopefully critics will see Nikki is more than "back alley humor". Nikki and Andrew are inspired to talk about the effect of comedy as Nikki is on a George Carlin kick. Andrew thinks his cat hates him because he is not as flexible as his girlfriend. Nikki has an odd timed appearance schedule and looks forward to being on Watch What Happens Live! w/ Andy Cohen tonight. You Heard it Here First; a crime solving duck, a debate on cheating and a silly brawl in sports. Nikki doesn't care too much about throwing the first pitch at the Cardinals game this evening but she does care about giving advice to Besties on Fanthrax!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. No country willingly gives up their territory. Oh, my God. What is that? Bullets. Listen to Escape from Zakistan. That's Escape from Z-A-Q-istan. Binge the whole season on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello. Here I am. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, new screen so that we can see Noah not in a tiny little laptop screen. It's pretty awesome. It feels like she's even further away. We can see her whole body, Nikki. Yeah, Noah, we can see her whole body. You don't even know. We have two cameras. There's one beneath your desk. An upskirt. Yeah, Noah before said, I like the new positioning of the camera.

I can see their whole bodies. Yeah, it feels like... We like the new positioning of the camera. I can see their whole bodies. Yeah, it feels like a... We didn't feel good about that. I feel like a deceased body in a river. Yeah. It's so funny. We followed this guy on Instagram, me and Brenna, and he keeps claiming that he's living that lake life,

but he lives on a... How'd you find him? It's like an old friend of brett like like an acquaintance and we've been following this guy's journey of him living the lake life but he lives on a retention pond like it's not a lake it's not you know where he is or she just knows where he's from we know where he is because he puts his location because he's bragging about this lake life and it's it's not like that he doesn't it's just because he doesn't know he's notgging about this lake life and it's not a lake. I like that he doesn't, it's just because he doesn't know. He's not trying to be cool.

He just doesn't know it's not a lake because why would he tag it if he was trying to claim it was a lake life? Well, I think he's trying to be cool, but I think he doesn't realize how uncool. Yeah, then that's okay. I know, I know. There's something cute about that.

It is cute. You don't hate it. It is cute, but he's got a paddle board. He put his dog on the boat. Is he by himself? Does he have friends? So he got his parents also a house on that lake life. Oh, he bought his parents a house?

The guy's coming up. But the fact- Lay that. The paddle board's longer than the lake. It's not a lake. Like, just call it what it is. So it's like a giant, like a puddle that just got out of hand? Yeah.

What is it? It's a... Like a ravine? Yeah, it's like, so you build a... Like an aqueduct? Yeah, when you build a community, you have to make... Yeah, it's a delta, Alpha. Gamma. Water ray. There's probably not a fish in this thing.

I would argue that. Is he fishing? Does he catch anything? He's catching rays on that lake life. He'll play country. And I think it is cute. It is cute, but it is funny to see- Yeah, I'm sure he's a bad person.

It's just funny to see someone brag. It's refreshing in a way. Not the the lake because it's not a lake but it's refreshing water to see someone brag about something that's like so wholesome and not like you know a porsche or whatever yes he's just he's yeah he's carved out a little space for himself yeah and yeah oh it's fun to follow and you and he's, yeah, he's carved out a little space for himself. Yeah. And. Yeah. Oh, it's fun to follow. And you, and he's not even, like, it's not like he is putting this thing out there that he knows is shit. And then after he takes the picture, he's like, oh, let's just leave.

Like, he's actually enjoying it. Yeah. I guess it's one man's pond is another man's lake, I guess. But yeah. Layla reminds me of when I had some cousins from down south that when we were kids, they came to- You're Christian poor? You know where they go?

She's Catholic poor. Excuse me. They're like Arkansas rich, I think. Whole body Noah over there. Get it right, dude. But they came, when we were kids, we didn't really see these kids a lot because they lived down south and like we didn't ever like we knew them growing up but then they

visited one time maybe for a funeral or something we were hanging out and they kept saying yeah yeah we go uh my cousin took us to go see some nigga at house and we were just like what and they're like yeah like maybe we can go strip clothes and go see some Nega Live House. And we were just like, what? And they were like, yeah, maybe we can go strip club and go see some Nega Live House. And we were like, honestly, what the hell are you saying? Can I guess? Yeah, Nega Live House. Nickelodeon House?

Nega Live House. No, Nega Live. Naked Live House. Yeah. Nega Live House. As opposed to Naked and Dead. So we say Nega Live House. Nega Live House.

It was a weird thing we'd never heard before, but it reminds me. Negalaho. Negalaho. Negalaho. And did you ever go? Did you ever take them? No.

That's the same part of our family that describes my humor as back alley humor. It's funny because they've never- Your back alley humor. We don't appreciate down here. You and your family with your back i go the back alleys that we have to go get abortions in because of your what you believe the back alleys they have their little hudson wait so they they're they're it is interesting they're there they're there

they're there so you see they're there. Watch me whip. Watch me niggler. So are they really, they really do like break down your comedy and they'll send you messages? No, no. It's just, you know, my mom's probably going to kill me. But we've been told that that side of the family does not care for my brand of humor. And my back alley humor. What would they rather have you do?

Jeff Dunham. Yeah. Jeff Dunham, just racist puppets. That's hidden behind. Yeah, I mean like Jim Brewer doing that fucking act out of like, you know, pretending to be a parakeet when he was talking about like, Fauci, vaccines.

Like whatever that bit was that was so terrible I mean like sorry Republicans aren't funny there is no not on purpose it's rare that they have a sense of irony and like sarcasm

and they call out us for being woke which of course liberals are fucking woke. But we don't care for that brand of humor. Well, it's interesting. I just watched this car. They're asking for naked live hoes, right? But your comedy is dirty if you're talking about your pussy.

Did I not say white too? Naked live white hoes. Oh, white hoes. It's implied, right? I don't know. I guess now. When you have that accent. I mean, yeah, but that's the interesting thing is like they could see women as like animals.

Like, let's go look at the animals. Let's go look at the hoes. But if you talk about your pussy in a smart, respectful way, you're the back alley bitch. Yeah. It's interesting. That back alley humor. That back alley humor. I loved it.

I just watched this Carlin documentary. I'm so obsessed with George Carlin right now. I got asked to do. It comes in. That back alley humor. That back alley humor. I loved it. I just watched this Carlin documentary. I'm so obsessed with George Carlin right now. I got asked to do- It comes in waves, doesn't it? Oh my God. I am a bitch. I never knew. Of course, I got interviewed for this New York Times piece that's going to come out

about George Carlin, about the meme-ification of Carlin, of all these clips resurfacing that are so... It's almost like he was like he knew what he was just saying things that resonate so much now and it was like 40 30 years ago that he was saying these things about you know the environment about cancel culture about punching down as opposed to punching up um with comedy and and you look at it now and you're just like oh my god this is like so exactly what we need to hear now and you're just like oh my god this is like so exactly what we need to hear now and so it's um and then i i pretty much admitted like i didn't know anything about like i i don't like tend to watch the greats the priors the lenny bruce's

the george carlins i knew but yeah the collins i don't watch those either look you're doing stuff back there um yeah i'm just too intimidated by it yeah it's tough it's too inaccessible yeah it's a different it's too old school it's a different time yeah no but yeah i mean i i think george carlin doesn't really make me laugh per se like i don't laugh hard watching him but i go like this yes yeah i mean there was a quote in this documentary I don't laugh hard watching him. Yes, but he does make you think. But I go like this. Yes. Yeah. I mean, there was a quote in this documentary. I don't want to give anything away because it's not out yet. But it's Judd Apatow and someone else. Was it three hours?

It was four hours. It was two-parter. Four hours and worth every second. Judd Apatow's quote. What is it? Judd Apatow's quote. What is his quote? No.

Just saying how long it would have been. But okay. Anyhow. Oh, yeah. Anyhowow's quote. What is his quote? No. Just saying how long it would have been. But okay. Anyhow. Oh, yeah. But yes. What was his quote? Who did I just... Oh, Jerry Seinfeld was saying...

He was talking about getting into a conversation with Chris Rock about comedians changing the world or being philosophers. And he was like, last night I talked to Rock about this. We disagree. I have never had my mind changed. A comedian has never done a bit that has changed my opinion on anything. The only thing it's ever done is change my opinion about whether or not that comedian is good or not. And I completely disagree.

Yeah. Completely disagree. I don't think comedians are like, there are some that are modern day philosophers. Most of us aren't. You know, like most of us put ourselves on that level. And it's like, there are some that are modern day philosophers. Most of us aren't. You know, like most of us put ourselves on that level and it's like, come on. Yeah. Stop it. You have to convince someone you're that you're not that.

Yeah. George Carlin never told you what he was. He just was. He did cry one time watching his own speech, though. I remember. Oh, my God. Do you remember that? That was crazy crazy it was a

back cut though it's from years ago ham drip uh not even a ham drip uh fashion egg that's a fashion egg yeah uh edge um so yeah no it was um god it was so good but he was but i disagree like have you can you guys think of a comedy but that has made you kind of look at the world differently? Because I have so many. Your hastily packed suitcase. Yeah, I mean, that really has me. No, honestly, that bit is, I mean, I don't think I learned that much, but it does. Like, you've changed the way I look at huge vaginas.

Like, you've made me accept. Like, back in the day, i was ignorant towards big pussies i'll be honest yeah i i was like roast i was the roast beef claim i was looking at lavos roast beef heads yeah you know what i mean that was a term i would say oh she's got roast beef and you thought it meant like she was like beat up and stretched out or like such a whore or something. No, just a good comic. Thank you. You're welcome. No,

but yeah, like I, uh, it is funny that we're using that bit. I just thought, but like, no, but there are times where I think the less,

I'm not really well read or like, well, like, so I can see a comedy bit and be like, holy shit. I didn't even like a lot of comedy. Most people that are smart and well read are like, oh, it just happens to be part of something they've already known yeah but just more precise yes you know what i'm saying yes so like yeah like they they take information and they seminate it

which is like they make it palatable and funny so that it's like but you get information like i mean i always say but louis ck's joke about being on a plane and complaining about the wi-fi and then going like actually why don't you be grateful for the miracle of flight you're flying through the bird the air like a bird to get from new york to la it used to take months and you would a bunch of people would die along the way now you take a shit and watch a movie and you're there so So you have no right to complain about like, the signal won't come back. It's slow. It won't load.

Like shut the fuck up. Or like we're delayed for 40 minutes on the tarmac. Like shut up. And honestly, I have not, I do not complain about air travel anymore. Like maybe I'll be a little ticked, but I will not be like, my rights are being infringed upon.

Like I demand an answer. Like I'm just like, just be grateful you can try this. You know what I love about that bit that I learned about comedy is that he was saying that to himself. Oh, yeah. And he put it on someone else. He made the guy the villain, even though he was the one that was like, this Wi-Fi won't work. Yeah. I thought that was interesting how he turned that.

Made himself the hero? Everyone goes, oh, that was so genius to make the other guy. Why not make it you? I know. I'm not saying it was genius. I'm just saying that. I don't know that it's comedically better. I think that actually.

I think it would be actually better if he, yes. It's better. The rule of comedy, which maybe there are some exceptions to it. No, whatever's closest to you. So if something happened to your friend, saying it happened to you is going to make it funnier. Or if it happened to your second cousin, saying it was your brother

is going to make it funnier to the audience. Something that happened three weeks ago, saying it happened yesterday, the proximity to you and what is happening when you tell the joke, your body and your time period is always going to make the joke funnier. That's just a rule of comedy that they teach you.

You know, this is comedy class stuff of like rule of three, move the mic out of the way and put everything as close to the present tense as possible. Yeah. Even if you're talking about a lot of Nazi Germany. Street jokes. Yeah. Well, I remember when I was in the Holocaust. Nazi Germany is kind of like down the fucking road at this point.

Well, it's hard to like, there's certain street jokes you can't put yourself, you can't be like, you know, a Catholic, you know, an Asian guy and me, a Jew, went to a bar. You know what I mean? Yes. There's certain jokes that. Yeah, that would be weird to take everything and make it you. But if you can, and if you, especially when you're starting out in comedy you're you're so writing from a place that isn't authentic at all and you're just like grasping at like any kind of idea that you learn

the tricks to just make your set better because you have no other skills so like why not operate with the like these rules that work as you know applying them to your shitty joke will make your shitty joke a make your shitty joke a little bit better and then once you learn how to write jokes you can kind of more tell the truth but it is interesting that like because everyone always talks about that louis example of like he was the he was the asshole but he put it on someone else that was so smart and i go honestly i think that was i how did how did we even find that out? Did he tell us that? I think so. That's interesting that he told us that.

I think it's, I think it is, yeah, I think. No, yeah. I also learned that like with comedy, like I used to, you know, be really into telling, which I do still tell stories, but like I was like, the story has to be exactly how it was when it happened has to be truth like like but like to a point where like i was obsessed with the truth but then i realized you can play with time a little bit yeah and like and also your truth is probably not even exactly

how it happened i know we have terrible memories i know that's what's the weird thing you should already just tell yourself that yeah don't yeah get over that a little bit because I think I spent some time on that. Like the story about getting the AIDS test as a virgin. Yeah. I put it with the cruise thing, but it was – so I went on a cruise, hooked up with a girl. Her vagina smelled. It scared me. I thought I had a disease.

But a separate girl you fingered and then you got an AIDS test, but it wasn't that girl, but you put it together. No, it was that girl, but I didn't get the AIDS test until three years later, which is even crazier. You thought you had it for three years? Yeah, yeah. That's funnier. You should say that. That's actually funnier. I know, but I don't think you would be believable.

After the fact, though. Yeah. You can just say, like, I got an AIDS test. And by the way, that AIDS test that I got after the girl was three years later. I waited three years thinking I had aids yeah so maybe you gotta tell the story of the rash that you made up when you had scabies oh yeah that is so funny maybe share circle i mean they've heard that story oh oh you mean telling on stage yeah yes yeah i had a rash i thought it no you had

scabies i had i didn't I didn't know I had scabies But you had something Going on in your dick That was very painful That you waited for so long To get checked out He goes to get it checked out Yeah

The nurse is hot And so he changes his story To a rash on his hand That is non-existent The rash moved The rash moved Yes Because he was too scared

To show the nurse his dick But here's the thing It wasn't my dick It was the guy's neck Alright let's take a quick break And come back with more after this Andrew! show the nurse his dick. But here's the thing, it wasn't my dick, it was the guy's neck. Ha ha ha. Alright, let's take a quick break and come back with more after this. Andrew! Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means

he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. The Daily Show Podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious, satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else,

like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. That's so funny. For it to be someone else's thing and you make it your own. Well, it could be someone else's story that you heard and you make it your own. That's true.

That's so fucked up. Can you imagine? I don't mind that. I'm sure that's so fucked up can you imagine that i'm sure you don't mind that no i would do that yeah i guess back in the day i mean now i probably have a problem with it but like no that people do that all the time they take other people's stories and make them their own because what sometimes your friend has a joke and you go we're back um you joked about like having that dick story be someone else's dick. Cause you're saying it.

But I think that like, if someone has a good story of your friends, that would make a great comedic story. Yeah. Taking it and then making it again, applying that rule of closest to you. It, it did happen to your friend, but didn't just say it happened to you.

It's going to make it funnier. Do you have any stories of what's the funniest story outside of yourself that you've ever like i guess your friend yeah i was trying to think of what's that you got to go with noah no no is there a story with kirsten i feel like she's you and her i feel like there are people that have great stories happen to them and there are people that are just funny and kirsten's just funny as opposed to like so many crazy things happening to you like you just like have made so many

bad choices from just being impulsive being scared having anxiety it's like it takes someone like that I think to have the best stories oh sorry go ahead I was just going to quickly say Andrew is a cat with 42 lives

yes and I'm 42 and I'm dying soon I was just going to quickly say, Andrew is a cat with 42 lives. Yes. And I'm 42, and I'm dying soon. Right. By the way, cats, this cat hates me. My cat. What? Why? I don't know.

It's just like, anytime I go to pet it, I might as well have fucking AIDS hands or something. Yeah, well, we need to do. From that cruise trip. Cruise you took 18 years ago. Hey, I'm fine. I took the test 20 years ago and never got the results. Three years after.

Wait, does the cat hate you? I mean, he loves Brenna so much that this... Why does it love Brenna? Maybe just feminine energy? Yeah, girls or cats? Softer. I had to learn that you can't pet a cat like you pet a dog.

They don't like it. Dogs like to get their butts scratched, like the top of their back, and they like to, you know, like scratched. Cats like strokes.

And they like, like three of them and they're over it. Okay. Is that what happens? Maybe it's not me. And don't they kind of come up and get you?

Like you wait until they like start trying to get you like you wait till they like start trying to get it from you i mean it's just i think i'm too rough i think i'm too rough of a person and i thought i'm soft but i'm not no you would be good with the i feel like you just gotta not stop trying with this cat this cat they like hard to get i know like i fucking i you know what it is we leave for a while and they form a bond. Yeah. They're with Brenna the whole time.

And then you come back every so often. Also, girls can get on the floor easier. I realize this. Like to pet a cat. Yeah. Like you could just. I'm on the floor. Well, 26-year-old women can get on the floor quicker than a 42-year-old man.

With a hernia. Especially if there's a school shooter. It's not man and woman. Wait, but you could get on the floor easy. Yeah, because I'm a young, able-bodied woman and you're an older man that plays golf a lot and has tight hips. It's not because you are a man. It's just because you don't...

I don't know why it is. Dude, I tried to get on the floor the other day. It took me about nine minutes to get on the floor. I can't even get down anymore. I'm standing and I can't get down. You have a life alert bracelet. Help. Just to sit.

Help, I'm trying to sit. To pet my cat that fucking hates me. This thing hates me. It's weird to live with an animal that absolutely hates you. And you know what, though? This morning, Brenna left. He slept on my side for a little bit. So maybe she's...

I got to get rid of her. I got to get rid of her to get to the cat. The cat prefers her when you're around. It's not even close. Also, I need a floor that's higher. It's called a table. I need a padded table to lay down on the floor oh i get so jealous of women's fucking able bodies dude when you get older dude it's not women it's youth my mom has problems getting on the floor too Did she get on the table to the floor?

Stop making this up. You're dating a woman who's 16 years younger than you. It's not a male-female thing. It's an age thing. But you just said you're able-bodied. You're female. Yeah, I'm younger than you. And I am, I think, more nimble. Your mom could get on the floor easier than i could get

on the floor especially if i'm body my dad can get on the floor easier than any of us can get on the floor and he's a man i'd like to see it get on the floor get on the wait isn't that a j-lo song do you remember a dinosaur song what dinosaur everybody get on the floor uh-uh that dinosaur is it oh yeah yeah it was a big like 80s rap song that made no sense it was during the time of like informer you know i wonder what if anyone knows that like that i would feel like you would learn the lyric you're the kind of brain that would learn those lyrics i know but i've that was uh, but I'm too young for that. You're too floor heavy. Too much of a floor head for that. That equals young.

So last night, I did... I'm on Watch What Happens Live tonight. Thursday night. Cool. I filmed it last night. Your days and nights are great, by the way. I was on Yesterday, Tomorrow, Tonight. Watch what happens yesterday.

I'm on New York Today yesterday. I was on the Today Show tomorrow, and I'm on Watch What Happens Live, taped, pre-taped tomorrow, tonight. So it's right now? Yeah, it's happening right now, probably. I mean, by the time this comes out, yeah. Tune in to Bravo tonight to watch me and Kiernan Shipka.

Where's she from? Mad Men. She played Sally Draper. Whoa. Yeah, little Sally Draper is 22 now. Whoa. Yeah. How's that?

That's weird. Any questions? Yeah. Okay. First of all, let's start at the beginning. Andy Cohen from St. Louis. Yes. We did radio show right next to him for a long time.

Yeah, he had Radio Andy right next to our serious show. We would ride up in the elevator with him all the time, ride down in the elevator with him. There were smiles, but I didn't feel like a connection between you two. No, there was not. Why? Were you not famous enough yet? Do you think that's what it is?

Radio Wars. Radio Wars. I'm asking the tough questions. Well, there's a thing I think. I don't think. You think it was that? No, I think there's a thing about, I don't know. I have a lot of theories, but he had me on his show, Watch What Happens Live, and it was, I was really nervous because I feel like I always, because I've never been asked to

be on that show, I felt like there was like a, like someone had to like twist his arm to let me on or something because I just feel like I should have been on a while ago. Yeah. Just because. What high school did he go to? He went to Clayton. Oh yeah, that makes sense then. But I'm on and so I was like, I just wanted to like really do a good job.

That's a St. Louis burn by the way. What? Just. What high school did you go to? Like claiming that that's the reason. So wait, so then you come on. Oh yeah, I mean possibly Clayton's a good one. Kirk, by the way. What? What high school did you go to? Like claiming that that's the reason. So wait, so then you come on. Oh, yeah. I mean, possibly. Clayton's a good one. Kirkwood's like, you know, public school.

I've dreamed about Kirkwood. It's awesome. I don't know. My sister teaches at Kirkwood. I don't know where the trees stop and the building begins. What? It's just not really, doesn't really pop out to me. Yeah, your high school's not supposed to be aesthetically gorgeous.

It doesn't mean that they aren't great. I'll tell you what, George Washington University down the road, gorgeous campus. Isn't that a university? Yeah. We're talking high schools, man. Step up, Kirkwood. I'm calling shots. Get on the floor.

Okay, back to Andy. So you're going there. You're guns blazing because he went to Clayton. You went to Kirkwood. What happens? I'm not guns blazing. I just want to do a good job because I know that show is like so – I mean that show is a fine-tuned, perfect show.

I mean it has so many segments. It is fast-paced. It is such a tone that he has set. He has like crazed fans like it's just it's a party too there's like an audience of probably like 20 people it's a little room too

and you just sit in this little clubhouse and then you sit down and then it just goes and then it's 30 minutes of like boom boom boom like it's fast things that people don't know about TV shows is that even if they're pre-taped, you still take commercial breaks exactly as long as the commercial.

It's so weird. Why? I always used to think you would just go right to the next thing. Why is that so? On podcasts that you listen to, no one's taking breaks for ads. We don't stop down for three and a half,

whatever it is. We just go right into the next thing. But TV shows, for some reason, I know, I'm sorry behind the scenes. TV shows, for some reason, they do'm sorry behind the scenes tv shows for some reason they do take those breaks and we have to watch the ads i'm just kidding though that doesn't happen but we just you just gotta buy the products uh yeah how are they good yeah toilet paper anyway so wait so then you sit down is there more pressure because there's like a shot clock

to be funny to get something in do you feel like it's, you don't want to step on anyone. I was going to ask if you like that format. Cause you, I feel like you'd be great at it. Yeah. Love, love, love.

I loved it because it's just so fast. And there's like one minute for every answer, like everything, like every segment. It's like, can you do that in one minute? Like it was just like fast, fast,

fast. Do they preface you with the questions? Do you know? Yeah. I prepared a lot. Like I had homework for that show. Like, um,

I had to binge summer house because they were going to talk about, you know, what? Yeah, I prepared a lot. I had homework for that show. I had to binge Summer House because they were going to talk about what Bravo reality show do you watch? And I was like, I don't watch any of them because I stopped watching Summer House because Hannah's not on it anymore on this season.

But then I was like, no, I'll, you know, I want to, I'm honored to be on the show. I want to give it my all. So I binged 13, 14 episodes of Summer House, 13 episodes of Summer House. Loved it my all so i binged 13 14 episodes of summer 13 episodes of summer

house loved it and so they had like a bunch of questions about summer house for me of like what do you think about all this stuff and then um and then they had questions about my reality show and then they had me do this game where kiernan would be blindfolded and she had to guess who I was roasting. So I had to roast celebrities. Let me do it. Wait, hold on. Bravo celebrities or any celebrity? I don't want to ruin it for people because it's on tonight.

It was pretty good. Just roast Andrew. I don't know. You'd think it would be that easy. That's the problem is they always go, and then we're going to do this game where you just roast people. And I'm like, I write jokes that are like math problems.

I can't do it in my head. I can sometimes if I'm in the right mood. Because it'll come out way too mean. Or yeah, or just like lazy. It's not going to be as precise as what I'm known for. And I have like a level that I'm known for and I don't want to ever deviate from that so i have to like i have to like write a lot of jokes beforehand um and so i wrote all

these jokes about celebrities we only got through like four out of the 10 jokes i wrote or 10 people i wrote jokes for but it was really fun and kiernan was so nice and then after the show um she was just so lovely and like so comforting and just, she's 22, but she's just like full of poise

and maturity. Like, I have jokes about like young girls having old souls. This girl is like an adult. And then afterwards, we're hanging out

or we're like taking pictures and selfies and she's like, we need a selfie. And then she was like, can I get your number? And I'm like, yes.

And then she's, she was like, oh, we we're going to dinner do you want to go with us and she was there i saw this woman in the audience um nomi fry who writes for the new yorker who i like am a huge fan of i followed her on instagram she's john mayer kind of like alerted me to her i do because of because of her i checked the the mail the other day because i still sometimes get mail to our old place you had maybe 87 new yorkers because i subscribe online i don't read the actual one but they still send you the physical one but she's the one that got me to subscribe because i was getting blocked out of reading her stuff and i love it so you should actually frame them all i saw her in the audience and i was like oh my god she's here like and i knew kiernan is friends with john mayer and i knew

no no me was friends with john mayer so i was like maybe they know maybe she's here connection that i just realized so your stylist danny and emma styled kiernan not too long yes yes yes they that was another connection i walked up to her and was like, do you know Danny and Emma? And so that was fun. Good call, Noah. I remembered it. Do you think she's more mature because of this show she was on? It was like based in the 60s. It was like a mature show.

You think that affects? No, there's just something else going on with her. Maybe. I mean, like she grew up on an adult set, but I feel like she just like knew. I got the whole story from her of like how she. Oh, wait, did you go to dinner? Yeah, I went to dinner. I like didn't want to go because I was just like so tired.

Yes. So, I mean, I didn't do a podcast. I was just like almost in tears of how tired I was. But after Andy Cohen, my adrenaline's up and I'm with i'm with robin and i'm like i don't want to go she was probably just inviting me to be nice invite yeah yeah and i'm like and now i'm gonna take her up on it and they're probably gonna be like oh god she's actually coming but she was like even if you don't come like when you're in la like text me let's hang out and i was just like this girl is so nice she's 22 like what? But you know, the women she's with are in their forties,

like her two friends that she's with. So I'm like, you know, I'm actually, I'm a, one of her peers. Yeah. Yeah.

You can get on the floor with her. So I went and I didn't know if they were like going to meet up with other famous people. Like I just, where was dinner? Uh, via Corota, which is this place that I've always,

that it's, I see it on Demois all the time. Anya used to go there all the time. It's like a celebrity. Where is it in the city? It's in the village. Okay. Is it like, it's like really nice?

Yeah, it's not like, it's delicious and gorgeous food. Other celebrities there? I didn't see any others. But we got there and I just had the best time with these three girls that I just met an hour before and they were so nice we had such good conversations and um it was all because this 22 year old just like extended this invite in the most sincere kind way no she was so uncuh there's no like pretension or like a like celebrity about her and you know they're saying like they're telling stories at the table and they're like oh yeah well i should tell taylor that and i'm just

like taylor oh i go wait who's because there were times where they would say oh we know each other through john and i'm like and and and ben or something and i go who are these people and then you find out they're like, they continue the name and they're celebrities names. So when they're like, oh, oh yeah, that was the one where Taylor,

you know, and Taylor was there and I'm like, Taylor who? And she's like, Lautner. And they're like Swift and I'm just,

I just like gulp, you know, just like I'm keeping it in. And then I realized and she's like, I have to text Taylor about that. She said, she said that about something that they were talking about. And I was like, and she's like, I have to text Taylor about that. She said that about something

that they were talking about. And I was like, I can't believe my contact is in the same phone as Taylor's. I love it. You're like talking to her like through a medium. you're like,

tell Taylor. Like, what else could you tell Taylor through this girl? I just, all I hope is that someday Kiernan and Taylor are hanging out. An ad for my show comes on

and Kiernan goes, you know, she's so cool. And then Taylor goes, really? Because she is really annoying to me with how much she is obsessed with me. But maybe I'll let her in. Oh, this is the girl that talks to me through you? No, I didn't say anything. I wasn't like, tell me about Taylor. I was just like, I just clocked.

I just go, Taylor who? And they go, Swift. And I go, oh. And then just, you know, wet myself myself and then stole her number yeah I mean yeah it's I guess it's one degree of separation like that Kevin Bacon thing yeah I'm there I'm on I'm on the precipice yeah I mean it's very close but this girl Kiernan it she is the way she was with me she is probably friends with fucking everyone she is just the kindest person so nice and um and then later on in the the dinner they're like oh uh

kaz is gonna come by and i'm like who's this and i and i eventually was like oh i guess who's kaz and they were like basketball player oh oh cassidy from Cassie from David yes oh Larry David's daughter Cassie David who I've never met but I'm a fan of her writing as well

and it's so weird like the two women who's writing I like seek out when they write anything were Nomi and

Cassie and they both showed up and Cassie man I impressive

I'm in I love her so much so funny so like just saying things that like you know you go I like I was biting my tongue a little bit at sometimes not to like be too

mean or like shit talky or like just say weird things Kazzy came in and just like cut cut into that like she's and she's friends with them so she was more comfortable but it just made me go like i was just like oh this is a pete davidson talk no no no no but it was like it was a great hang and she was only there for like the last 15 minutes but i was like i love her like i really want to be like the other girls i'm sure they're like we don't need nikki as our friend like she's fine but like i don't agree with that i think you you're right

in i want to be desperately to be friends with them but i just i i think that they're probably good with like just knowing me from afar based on just you know there's so many famous friends and like they don't need me but kazzy needs me there's just like many famous friends and it's like, they don't need me, but Cassie needs me. There's just like a comic energy to it of like, there's these, these women are intellectuals by like Kiernan and, and, uh,

know me and her friend, Alyssa, who does a podcast with Lena Dunham. They're like intellectuals. Now, and I, I'm, I'm smart enough to keep up,

but like, you're definitely smart enough yeah don't put these people on a pedestal don't put them off the on top of the floor table oh i mean i'm on i'm on my own pedestal it's just a different one yeah but i but i really loved these did they mention anything about like seeing the rose or seeing your stand up yeah i mean they were fans of mine yeah so then why yeah that's awesome they're saying the same shit about you somewhere. I'm sure she's talking to Taylor right now.

They're in pajamas, laying in bed, going, God, that Nikki Glaser, man. You think she's funny in person, man. She sure can eat a hummus. I just couldn't believe how nice these girls were because they just, I look at them as such the cool like cool girls and i just and i know that people consider me like a cool girl and i forget that but i just don't feel that way like ever um especially on a day where i was like on like in the andy cohen space of like this is a world where i'm like i'm just grateful to be here like i know but dude if you did that show five times again it'll be

yeah it's nothing yeah but it was so nice it was just like i was like this was such a i made four four new friends um in one night and it was all because i did something socially that i let me be honest i didn't want to do because it's awkward i didn't even know if they wanted me there but i just go you know what i gotta go because I gotta be open to things. I'm gonna take them at their word. They wouldn't have invited me if they didn't want to, and if they made the mistake of inviting me when they didn't really mean it, well,

they're gonna rue the day because I'm showing up. And they were so excited I was there, and it was sincere. It was really cute. I just love her. Kiernan Shipka. Check out her new... She has a new show on Roku called... Sincere was really cute. I just love her. Kiernan Shipka. Check out her new. Oh, yeah. What's her new thing?

She has a new show on Roku called, oh, God. It was like something about, I can't wait to watch it. They showed a clip of it, and I was like, she is going to win an Oscar someday. She's captivating. But, yeah, she was Sally Draper in Mad Men. She just, her parents are in real estate. They're from Chicago, and she just told her parents, like, I like i want to go to um la for pilot season when she was six she didn't even know like she just had heard of it and she was like i just had so much confidence and she booked a movie and then she

booked sally draper like right away and it's so fascinating to hear about her like yeah that's kind of what taylor did in natchville it's like yeah just how did these kids young age i did the same thing, but my parents were like, no. Yeah, I think I told my mom I want to be a model

when I was like seven and she's like, a model? No boys want to be models? I swear. Is the series called Swimming with Sharks? Yeah,

Swimming with Sharks. Thank you. It looked so good. She is so beautiful. Jesus Christ. It is alarming. It doesn't, it's unreal how pretty that girl is in person. There's so beautiful. Jesus Christ. It is alarming. It doesn't... It's unreal how pretty that girl is in person.

There's some people that are just like porcelain dolls, and she is so nice. Like, really, really nice. God, her parents did a great job. She's a great person. All right, let's get to the news. You heard it here first. You heard it here first.

You heard it here first. It's Thursday folks You know what that means It is Thursday Hope you're having all the swells out there We're going to be in Minneapolis And we're going to be in Madison, Wisconsin Two shows in Madison

One in Minneapolis Minneapolis is tomorrow, Friday Yeah, sooner than later And then Madison is Saturday Yeah, I hope you're having all the swells again And then Sunday. Sunday. Big day.

Big day. I'm getting a facial today after that. Oh, on Monday. Yeah. Oh, well then. Why, what's happening? Welcome Home Nikki Glaser premieres Sunday night on TV. Another big thing.

Yeah. Today is Nikki Glaser day in St. Louis. I know. I'm taking a nap after this and then I'm going to go. You're throwing out the first pitch. I keep looking at your arm thinking, is it ready? Really? No.

We'll get to it in the news. Okay, cool. All right, let's get to the news. You know Noah's looking at that arm and that whole body. Back to you, Noah. Whole body Noah over there. Okay, this story is crazy. I think you're going to love it.

A pet duck led police to crack the case of a missing North Carolina grandmother who vanished over two years ago and led to the murder charges against the victim's granddaughter and grandson-in-law. Wait, how did a duck crack a case? Quack a case? That's fun. That was fun okay so both of these people were um under investigation the body was nowhere to be found since like 2020 don't tell that to a duck a breakthrough in the case happened this month when a pet duck got spooked and ran underneath a trailer the owners who chased the duck found a container that had the woman's body in it.

An investigator said, we do not believe she was killed at that address. She was killed at another location and then transported to where her remains were found by the pet duck. So the duck just like got spooked and like went to a place where people, when they went to go find the duck,

the duck wasn't like, it's over here. Like, it was Gilbert Godfrey. Yeah. I feel like that is God. That's gotta be God. Those kinds of things. Yes.

Like when a runner finds a body and like, Oh, I saw one hangnail underneath a leaf. It's like, that's not coincidence. That's something bigger. I, that's like the's not coincidence that's something bigger i that's like the one time i'm like really that's the one time just the only time when a runner finds a body or a duck see i don't think i think it's a complete coincidence but i also am open to like there being

now with tyler henry i believe that there people out there, but I don't think they affect the laws of the universe. Souls don't, like, can't tell a duck to go do something. But it is. Eventually a duck's going to come across. I wonder what this woman had in common with ducks. Like, maybe there was something, like, she really liked ducks. She had a duck, like, a porcelain, like, one of those cement ducks in her garden. I had a duck growing up.

How did they connect it to the people? How did they figure out who killed the duck? Oh, well, she... Or not killed the duck, who killed the grandma? So both of her granddaughter and her husband, both of them were kind of like stealing money from her account and her prescriptions, and they were under investigation with the connection of her death.

And they were both charged with concealing a death. The investigators just didn't have the body to, I guess, finish the convictions. Where do you put a pot? I mean, these people got to put bodies in better places. Probably a Tupperware. Yeah, a nice tub. Probably conceal the smell pretty well. I mean, how far away was this from where they killed her?

I think people are lazy. People are lazy about the one thing. It's probably across the street. People who murder people are dumb. That is true. It's like to have the kind of anger and the kind of impulses. I'd be cutting up a body and be like, whatever. It's fine.

What would you do to get rid of a body? Wait, sorry. Pigs. There was just like a huge case in Queens, New York, where a woman was having an affair with her handyman. And he like, you know, I guess she was trying to break off the relationship with him. And he chopped her up and put her in trash bags

and just carried her out of the house, and he was caught on surveillance camera because everyone has surveillance cameras through the ring and all that. Must have been so easy back in the 70s and 80s. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. You could be so lazy with it.

You could bring it out like four days. You could literally just roll it down the stairs. You wouldn't even have to cut it up. Getting away with murder now has got to be so difficult. You're such an idiot if you try to kill someone now. I mean, really, just gun violence is the one to do. These people were fine until the duck. That's what I'm saying.

If you're out in the middle of nowhere. If you're in a poor part of town. This is trailer park town. Trailer park. And we don't care about poor people cops don't care about poor people it's not there's no money in caring about poor people yeah so who so how do you get rid of a body i watch this carlin dock and so i'm a little bit on this like oh fuck the rich yeah like he has this great bit about like you know why there's a homeless problem? Because there's no money in fixing the homeless problem.

There's no money in addressing it. There's money in the drug problem. There's money. Like, there's no money in the homeless. So that's why it's we're not going to do anything about it. He's so good. I had a duck growing up. Did you know that?

Did you get how did you kill? My mom got it from an owl killed it. What? Yeah. We woke up one day and an owl had picked it up... Owls don't fuck around. ...off the ground and put it on a table, a higher ground. No, on actually the railing of our deck.

You know the deck that was on the same floor? So it killed it and then showed you how... Oh, yeah, and ripped it to shreds on the... And just left it out there, like, almost like... Did your grandma stumble upon it? Hey, I'm drunk. Wait, no, but there like almost like did your grandma stumble upon it hey i'm drunk wait no but like how did you how did my mom went out in the morning one sunday morning and just like saw the duck god but the duck's name and it'll be so sad it was so cute that little duck and we named it um like we were trying to come up with a name for it when my mom brought it home and it was the same summer that that song like

maria maria was like big yeah and so kirsten for some reason because she's the funniest person alive came up with um remember that part where it's like played it's like and it's just played by Carlos Sanquackers. And so his name was Carlos Sanquackers because of that dumb song that was hit the summer we got back. Did you buy this duck? My mom bought him at the Soulard Market. She just like came home from the market and had a duck.

And we were just like, when did mom get cool? When is mom bringing home her pets? She was never a pet person so where does doug live inside the backyard i mean we didn't do a good we didn't we didn't give that duck the life it deserved and that's why that an owl got it but you know did the owl the owl ate it yeah the owl kind of nature kind of it definitely natured out yeah all right let's get to the next story. Okay, have you heard about this? Olivia Wilde was served custody papers by her ex, Jason Sudeikis,

while on stage discussing her new film in front of 4,000 industry executives. Her new film where she met Harry Styles. Harry Styles. Sudeikis says he had no idea custody papers would be handed to her so publicly. Yeah, I don't think that's, when I heard that, I was like, Jason Sudeikis is not the type of person in my – like, what do I know? But like that would do that.

Ted Lasso would. I'll tell you that. No, Ted Lasso would never do that. I know. It's just funny to think that. I didn't do it. It was Ted Lasso. Yeah. Yeah, it seems it's another one of those things.

If you didn't talk to him, you would think it was a spiteful move because she did have an affair. Hairstyles is so good looking. I don't think that's. I think you're confusing Amber Heard and her. They do look alike. She had an affair with Harry. I don't think that's. She's obviously still married.

But I think they were already broken up when the Harry thing started. That's not what I've... I think they met before they were broken up but I don't think they started dating until after. But they're not divorced yet. I mean, separated. I mean, he dates other women too. So you're thinking that they met on set.

It happens a lot where you end up dating someone that you know before you break up with the person and it doesn't mean that anything squirrely was going on before you're giving her to benefit a doubt yes harry styles is in the whole thing is that she left her husband for harry styles what are we talking about here i don't know i don't think that i don't know that it was it i don't think that it was it. I don't think that was it. What else could have been? She was unhappy in the marriage?

No, I understand that. But don't you think... Well, she's allowed to date someone after you get separated from someone. After you break up with someone, you're allowed to date someone else. I mean, not in the court of law, apparently. I'm just saying, like in the court of law...

No, this is about custody. This isn't about her cheating. There's never been that. This isn't about him getting more money or him not giving her money because she cheated. There's nothing like that in this story. Don't you think Jason Sudeikis would

probably still be married if she didn't end up hooking up with Harry Styles? No. I do remember the stories were saying that Jason Sudeikis was like heartbroken over it and they were presenting him as like taking a long time to get over her.

Right. I do remember that too. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. I just... But you just never know because we're not with him 24 hours.

Is Harry Styles that good looking where we're not going to say that he broke up a marriage? No, I'm not saying... He didn't break up a marriage. Yes, he did! How did he not break up a marriage? What are you talking about? Someone can be in an unhappy marriage and then meet a guy on set and it doesn't mean

that they're like, I'm going to break up with him for this guy. But then when you break up, you go, I'm single now and then all of a sudden people that maybe had flirtations with. Yes, exactly. The people in the marriage break up the marriage. It's not the third party's fault. I think both can be true here.

I don't even put the blame on Angelina Jolie. That marriage was already going to end. Which marriage is this? Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. Oh. And Angelina Jolie. So no one's in the wrong here? No one?

No. No, relationships end. Relationships end. And also, I'm sorry if your husband's cheating on you or your girlfriend's cheating on you. You have some, you have, people are going to come at me for this. You have a part to play in it.

I feel like I'm eating crazy pills. I support you, Nikki. I feel like people. I agree. And you don't have a part to play in it. Like, you I'm eating crazy pills. I support you, Nikki. I feel like people... And you don't have a part to play in it. Like, you need to suck your husband's dick more, bitch. It's like, you are with someone who doesn't like you

and who would cheat on you. Therefore, you are not... You don't know the person you're with. If you think that person you're with could never cheat on you, you have a harsh lesson to learn. Which it might not be... It's not your fault, but, like, good. You don't want to be with that person. That should end. That's an unhealthy be. It's not your fault, but like, good. You don't want to be with that person.

That should end. That's an unhealthy relationship. It's not because of that woman. It's not because of that man. As a girl who's been the other woman, it wasn't my fault that your relationship was shit.

If I hadn't come along, it would have been someone else, bitch. Look, I would fucking suck Harry Styles' dick too. Is that what, is the thing is?

I don't understand why we're having a hard time understanding that. No, I just think we are like... I agree. Your dad and mom would have divorced had it not been for your stepmom. Sure. Okay, well, there you go. Okay, how about this? If Avi was out on a fucking work trip,

he sleeps with another woman who knew about you publicly because you're married with two kids. You don't care? We have no evidence that this is not a claim. No one cares. It's fine. But also, we don't have any evidence that Harry Styles and she slept together before they broke up. There's nothing that says that. The evidence

is that they hooked up before the divorce happened. That's all. There's no evidence for that. Where is that evidence? Why are we playing dumb? What is going on here? I'm not playing dumb. I swear to God, they might have had like like she might have been like, oh, my God, if I was single, this would be something I would pursue.

But you don't leave your husband because you have a fun little flirtation with someone. It's a lot deeper than that. Noah is exactly right. Like if Noah wouldn't blame if it wasn't this woman that avi met it would be someone else their relationship is not healthy if he's even able to do that it's not that woman's fault of us are responsible for our relationship so i would put the onus on the two of us getting to the point where one has to cheat on the other yes i'm saying i'm not disagreeing like i think you guys are coming at me like i'm like this, like, no,

I'm trying to explain the one that broke up the marriage. I didn't break up the marriage. I think a lot of people put blame on the third party, but there is another perspective to be had, I guess. And that's where me and Nikki are. I just don't think that she and Harry Styles did anything before they broke up. I,

I would believe that. I just think that she is a, I mean, I don't know her, but I just, and what do I know? But I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that she did not betray that relationship and broke up with the relationship. To be, listen, you can't help the way you feel. If you do develop a crush on someone while you have a husband, while you have a boyfriend, while you have a girlfriend, whatever, you can't help that you have a crush. You really can't help that. There's, yes really can't help that there's yes you can distance yourself from them you can do things like but if you're constantly thinking about

someone there's something wrong in your relationship or you need to be in an open relationship or monogamy is not cut out for you but like that is not that other person's fault and that is not that's not even your fault you're just in in. My whole point of all of this was that if he did send those papers out of spite, I could see how he could be spiteful if his wife left him while she was on set with someone else. That's all. That's all I was saying. No. And I don't think that's crazy.

She did not leave him while she was on set with someone else. She just met a guy. It's nothing about set. Okay, so if you and Brenna broke up and then Brenna starts dating someone that you knew she knew before you broke up, that doesn't mean she cheated on you. Should we Google to see if they broke up before that happened? It's more fun this way.

But this is what I'm talking about. I've Googled it. There is no evidence that they hooked up before they broke up. No evidence. All right. So, but would you, like, is that not allowed?

Would you then blame that guy for your breakup if Brenna happened to date someone who she had no sexual relationship with, no even flirtation, was just friends with, and then it happened to develop into something more after you guys broke up? That wasn't that guy's fault. That wasn't Brenna pre-planning it and breaking up with you so she could be with him, which actually people have every right to do. If they broke up. If they broke up. Yeah. They can actually break up with someone before they

attempt to do something physical with other person and that is not cheating that is realizing i want something better than what i have final answer not final thought and you're gonna get a lot of dms being like go andrew go no because there are girls that are like i've been cheated on it's it it's not my fault i'm not saying it's my fault. I'm not saying it's your fault. Boys, I'm not saying it's your fault if you get cheated on. It's no one's fault. But it means your relationship, it would have happened anyway. It's not that person.

And if it was that person, that person tricked your boyfriend into hooking up or tricked your girlfriend and seduced them, then you're dating a fucking weak idiot that you shouldn't be with because you think jason's date is a weak idiot you think he's oh no i'm saying that no but i'm just saying like is he a weak idiot because his wife left him no i would say that i'm saying olivia wild would be the weak idiot if she left him because she was seduced by harry and harry had and and she would have stayed with jason had Harry not come along and wove his spell. Like, and she's disillusioned and they're not even going to last and Harry just wanted her first.

Like, maybe they're actually meant to be more than Jason and her. And she should leave Jason for that. And Jason should leave her if he meets someone that's better for him. People should not settle. You should constantly be having to earn the person you're with.

Look, I'm not arguing with any of this. Gotta go to a break. Let's come back with our sports talk. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you

need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. Sports moment of the week.

Here's Andrew's weekly sports moment. I'm excited to see that movie. Huh? I'm excited to see the movie. Oh, I know. That was the last thing. I love any movie where you realize they were banging the whole time they made it. Oh, wait.

Nikki, are you going back to what you just said originally? Maybe. Okay. I'm going to read this, but I have no idea what it means because it's sports. But it has something to do with the Cardinals. Oh, yeah. Bench clearing brawl. Yeah.

There you go. A Mets Cardinals brawl erupts after um a Mets hitter got hit by a pitch J.D. Davis left the game in the eighth inning after being hit in the left ankle a brawl broke out between the Mets and Cardinals in St. Louis when Mets reliever Yohan Lopez retaliated by throwing high and inside at Nolan Arenado. I mean, these are guys acting like five-year-olds. And somehow because it's tradition, it's fine. What's tradition?

A brawl? A brawl. Grown men running out and fighting each other. They cleared the benches. The whole team came out and they just started pushing each other. Who breaks it up it's so funny because like

baseball players they're so like kind of out of shape in a way because it's baseball it's not like they're in shape but they're not like

they run from the from the deep I'm talking like 500 feet away you know you have 500 feet and they get there and they're winded

they're winded and it takes so long. How long did it take to break up and did anyone get hurt? No one really ever. Nowadays, back in the day, people would be getting hit with bats and shit. Straight up. But now it's more like an ego thing. It's a lot of in your face,

hold me back. A lot of hold me back. Yes. Like hold me back. I'm 38. Do the umpires have to break up? Those are old men. The umpires.

There's also now there's security. Oh, yeah. But I don't know. Just don't throw the ball today at the pitcher, Nikki, when you're throwing the first pitch. Well, it's a different team. I told Nikki about this. I said it'd be great if you actually start the brawl going again.

Well, it would be a funny comment to say, I just hope I don't hit Arenado's ankle. Yes. Like, isn't that what made the brawl happen? Well, he threw it at his head. Oh. I'll try not to hit you. Are you going to be on mic?

I don't know, but I'm going to give some statement. They're giving me the fucking key to baseball ballpark village. And then they're giving me a star on the Walk of Fame. And then I have to make some statement afterwards. And then I go throw the pitch. And I get to bring my family out. My mom and dad and my sister are coming out to the mound with me. It's going to be fun.

Are you nervous? No. We've thrown a lot. I don't care anymore. Literally, who gives a fuck what happens? no we've thrown a lot don't you threw a lot with chris okay literally you're too tired to probably gives a fuck what happens like honestly i don't care i don't care that's because it's just i'm not a baseball player i don't even want to do this i asked if i could save this the national anthem sing the national anthem they said no we'll do the first bridge i don't i'm a girl who does

not claim to be good at sports it's just a fun thing to do i am grateful that i get to do it but like i don't like i feel like more like andrew and chris are more like obsessed with like how well i do than me i i'm not the only thing that i will be upset about if i throw a bad ball is like how disappointed chris and andrew i won't be. I swear to God, I don't care. No, they'll be embarrassed on my behalf, but I won't be embarrassed.

I won't. I won't. I'm his friend. I really won't. I just won't be. I just don't care. And I'm too tired to care. That is another thing.

The worse, the better for me. Not for your embarrassment, just because it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Also, there's never been a first pitch other than George Bush when he threw one that saved our country.

Oh, that's been so good. That's been so good that anyone even remembers it. The bad ones are better. 50 Cent has a great one. A great bad one? Yeah. I mean, he throws it six feet to the left

and he's athletic. Whenever there's expectation. Yeah, being a man has got to have a little bit more. Yeah. People, as long as it goes somewhat straight. It actually doesn't even matter. It doesn't matter at all.

It doesn't. It's awesome that you're doing it. I'm so freaking tired. I'm excited though today because I don't have to do it. I've been having to do press all day, every day, every damn day for weeks and weeks. And it's a lot of interviewing it's a lot of

answering questions and today it's just i give one little statement after they give me the thing and then i go out and throw the pitch and i'm not even miked and i might like you know uh boomerang some fucking shirts with redbird and the fucking cardinal gals into the stands but that's it and then i'm just my only thing is like, it's like going to be a big party with like my family, Chris and his family. And it just might not be like, I'm not like that awake for it. I'm going to have to have a few,

I got to find some fucking meth or something. I got it. I don't know how I'm going to get through today. I'm so tired. I'll try to, I'll try to, but I'm going to sleep well tonight in Minneapolis and Madison are going to be so fun. And then Sunday, I'm going to sleep so much,

but we might do a viewing party in which we have the public come out, so it'll be another thing. I'm like, I just need a day off so bad, you guys. It's funny. Someone please give me COVID. What day do you... Yeah, I know. It's great.

This weekend, if you have COVID, will you come cough in my mouth? I'm desperate. It might still be contagious. I'll get you. For a day off. I'll try. I'm trying. Please.

All right. Let's get to Fanthrax. All righty. All right. Let's start off with Molly, who needs some advice. Hi, besties so i'm calling in today a little bit nervous but with a vulnerable topic and that question that i've always been wanting to ask you guys so this past week or so um i've really been trying my best and more dedicated than ever to quitting weed. I don't drink.

I stopped drinking my sophomore year of college just because I just really never liked it. And weed became my choice at that point. And I've been smoking every day since I was like 18 and I'm now 23. And I'm really trying to quit because I've been going to therapy and making such great progress and just doing all of the other steps that come along with bettering myself. And weed is something that is the center of my life, like a true addict. And I just love you guys so much. The show means so, so much to me. And I know that, you know, I relate to you guys and your advice

would really speak to me and maybe anybody else who's struggling with the same thing. So, yeah, I hope I said everything and I hope you guys answer and, I don't know. Thank you. Thank you so much for everything you do.

J-J-J-J-Joint! Relapse! Relapse! don't know thank you thank you so much for everything you do joint relapse oh my god molly that is so nice your voice is so soothing whatever pot smoke does to your voice it's really good yeah it sounded like indica live um is that it no oh man i mean this one's a tough one because it's like it's so hard to quit weed especially after you like you know it's the thing that works for you it's the thing that you feel like as someone who really relates to like i can function on weed i can i like it every day i feel like it was medicinal it helps with with my depression. It helps with my anxiety. I do know, though, that you want to quit for a reason. And I think that's an important thing to remember is if it was serving you,

things that aren't taking away from your life, you don't seek out reasons to quit. So that is already there. I think a lot of times we can convince ourselves of things we want to quit. So like that is already there, right? Like I think it's a lot of times we like can convince ourselves of things we want to quit. Like, no, I don't need to. We like all of a sudden go, oh wait a second,

what was I even thinking? It's like, well, have you ever wanted to quit watching friends? Like, have you ever like sought help? Like I need to quit, I don't know, walking my dog. Like this is a problem. Like if it was,

it means it's a problem that you want to quit. But it also means though that like, I think that it's really scary to think of your whole life without weed. And I think that's something that like holds me back from quitting things is to go, oh my God, I'm going to go the rest of my life with this thing that I like, you said is the center of your life. So, and I don't think though that like oh I'll just take a month off those kinds of things are very helpful even though

that's a thing that a lot of people do like sober January or whatever sober October um I think that I think what you should do Molly is just experiment with like allowing yourself to have it. And I've said this before, but like really not having shame in it because I'm sensing probably like a lot of shame of like, oh, I'm doing it again. I need this every day. I'm such a loser.

I probably have to wake and like, I'm guessing you're like me. You like want it as soon as you wake up in the morning. It's like replace coffee for you in ways. You want it before you watch TV. You want it before you go out and hang out with your parents. You want it before you go walk the dog. Like you want it before everything.

It like makes everything better. Let yourself have it because those urges to have it, you're doing it for a reason. You're not doing it because you're a bad person and you want to like fucking get, you love drugs and you love being like out of sorts and you love being like a worst friend and not as present. You're not like no one wants to be that. You're doing it because you're in pain and it takes you out of your pain momentarily. That is why you're doing it, which is like who would ever fault someone for wanting to do something like that? And yeah, other people can fault you for it, but they don't.

They have their things that take them out of their pain. Yours happens to be weed. That's the way your physiology works it just works for you but in the long run it doesn't work because it takes you out of your pain momentarily and then on the back end it's your pain is still there after you're not high again and then there's more pain because you have the anxiety of failing and smoking the weed and feeling bad about yourself and then what do you have to calm that anxiety more weed so like I would try to first experiment with just like because I remember and maybe you've heard me say it when I quit weed which I felt like I how am I ever gonna do this I just changed my attitude about it and was like

you know what you deserve this like you need this God only knows what you would do if you didn't have this it would be like a maybe you would kick your dog maybe you would punch a wall and break your hand maybe you would cry all day and not be able to work like this is the least bad thing you could do right now because you're in pain like so just let yourself have it and i think that you'll see that you it will slowly fade away and you'll get to a place where if you're practice being gentle with yourself and kind to yourself about your usage of weed and not judging it and not feeling like dirty and like bad and secretive just being like i just need this and if i didn't i wouldn't be doing it you will be able to be because you smoke weed because you're you're not kind to yourself

you know like you're smoking weed to assuage anxieties anxieties come from like self-hatred thinking about the past thinking about the future worrying thinking about yourself yourself yourself i hate myself i'm a bad person all these things and so if you start by like eliminating the guilt of you're a bad person because of the weed that will take some of that pressure off and then eventually you will learn to be better to yourself and there's also 12-step programs for marijuana that you can look into and you just can type in 12- yourself. And there's also 12 step programs for marijuana that you can look into and you just can type in 12 step marijuana. And there are meetings that you can attend that I'm aware of. There are, there's like whole support groups for people that smoke

weed. And I think it's marijuana's anonymous is what it's called MA. And there's meetings on zoom all across the country that you can go to and get help from people that are suffering from the same thing as you. And don't listen to people who have normal relationships with weed. Don't convince yourself you're one of those people. You are not. You're not. You wish you were. So do I. I wish I could just have one glass of wine here and there. I wish I could have just one hit of weed here and there before a movie. It doesn't, we're different. So don't listen to those people that go oh I just have it like what I want to like feel like laugh a lot at a reality show and just and you go you know what I could do that you can't girl you're not you're different and you're special but you're

special in that way and so that's another thing that gets in the way of quitting is just being around people that are have a better relationship with things and you go why can't I do that well because you also have brown hair and they have blonde hair like it's it's as simple as that you're just not the same person so we can't all be the same with drugs i hope that helps and you can dm me if you want to talk about it too um all right next fanthrax thank you for letting me monologize okay Another person asking for help. Hi, Nikki, Andrew and Noah. My name is Raleigh from Bulgaria. Oh my God, I see that. And I'm calling for advice,

but mostly just to talk to my friends. I just felt like talking to you. I'm in such a stressful situation in my life right now. So much problems and stress. And I've been talking to this guy on bumble for like two weeks we just wanted to hook up but and what it was supposed to be today we were supposed to see each other today but um i just woke up to him and matching me we had such a great conversation it was so fun and flirty and we were sexting and all that it was exciting i'm just so bummed out honestly

uh just feeling kind of desperate and kind of sick of all these all social media and dating apps and just you know what's your advice thank you i love you so much and i just want to hug you you know have a great day i want to hug you too what was her name Rally Rally do you have anything to say to Rally as a guy on the other side of Bumbles I mean yeah I get how it can just be

the dating online just the endless everyone has a million fucking people on their phone that they can go on a date with there it's an endless buffet it's you're searching for like and there can be there's been plenty of times where people get positive connections through yeah these uh fucking bumble like just the name bumble doesn't sound like you're gonna marry the person i would say maybe step away from trying to find love in a place where you repeatedly aren't getting it and maybe you know go like just try to like not even think about trying to find someone

for a couple weeks i know it's harder easier said than done but like i think chasing it and constantly being disappointed is to chase even before being disappointed that is setting you up for these like bad feelings and like these feelings of where you're feeling you know what i mean like so i i don't know like for me like expectations when i stop like expecting like and it's not just with dating it's with anything like i just i feel so much happier so hard to do that i know it is very hard people always used to say that just fucking hit a doobie people always used to say that like when i was single like oh oh like you gotta stop search when

you see it's a search you will find and i just don't i don't know that doesn't do it for me because it's just how do you stop searching you you want someone you you care about finding someone it there it time is of the essence especially if you're a woman in certain like and then you want certain things in your life it's like it's hard to stop looking but i do think that in this scenario like i have been here so many times girl of like having so much hope for a guy where you're like connecting you're sharing even if it's via text like there's there's amazing connections that can happen via text um that a lot of people i think could roll their eyes about of like you didn't even meet him and you're feeling this sad it's

like no you can really share a lot and especially if you're sexting and you get so excited like finally this is like you're you're thinking about this person all the time and then all of a sudden unmatched what i'm guessing happened is that this person reconnected with an ex it's always that way it has nothing to do with you even though though it seems so personal. They reconnected with an ex or they met someone else. Or they're already with someone. Yeah. Or they got caught on there. Or using this to like get off.

Yeah. To be honest. It is so frustrating. But I really do think that you don't have to stop searching. But search for like a new hobby or something that you can get really into that isn't boys like keep looking for boys like keep having fun with that stay on the apps like do that but force yourself because it's harder to shut something off than it is just pick something else up so focus on something learning a new skill learning a new skill, learning a new language, fucking sign up for

Duolingo, like immerse yourself in something new just to shift your focus instead of just trying. Because if you just try to stop being boy crazy and you have nothing to replace it with, like what goes in that void? Nothing. Like you can't do it. You can't shut your brain off. So you've got to fill it with other things.

Also, that would open her up to opportunities of meeting people with a similar interest who might introduce her to somebody else. It kind of goes back to what you were talking about earlier today, going out with Kiernan and the Times Magazine lady, New York Magazine lady, sorry. And just like opening yourself up to meeting other people and like in real life, knowing that I can walk into this with no expectation,

just bring my full self to the table and hopefully connect with these people or just have a story to take away from it. Yes. It sucks too because you you know you get unmatched with and then you're tainted with anything like you know you get hurt and then you're gonna you're gonna bring that fear to the next conversation you're gonna go well why am i gonna go through this same thing again if i'm just gonna get the same end result but that's not what happens every time and it sounds so getting to i do i'm not kidding you girl read getting to i do like immerse yourself in that because it's so interesting and it's still about being boy

crazy and it's a different approach getting to i do it's like and really i would not there's nothing wrong with what you did because i did it all the time. No sex stuff, no sexting, no, no, even like you can flirty, you can be flirty. You can be,

you know, innuendos, no actual sex talk before you actually meet this person and get, and, um, are, you'll read about this and getting to, I do,

but like it, it is always a mistake and you didn't do anything wrong because i've done this and i still do this sometimes just out of habit to get sexually intimate with a guy via text in person before you have a commitment from him of what you want and i know that sounds crazy how am i going to get a commitment before I even have sex with them? You can do other stuff, but like having talks about sex, they, guys get, guys get turned off by that because what they think is this person's too easy. They gave it to me. They barely know me and they already are having phone sex with me. This girl's probably doing this with everyone. And guys, guys don't judge you. Guys may think you're a slut, but what that means to them, they might say, oh, that means she's a slut because it protects them.

But what it means to them is they're not special. And guys want to feel special. And it makes them feel threatened. And so try to keep that real. You can be winky and flirty. No more sex. And I think having a new approach to this whole thing might give you might give you different results and give you something new to focus on

other than just like matching and connecting final thought yeah let's do final thought final thoughts okay let's do one more I like this advice segments yeah we got a lot of questions

for advice okay let's try Mark hey Nikki Noah and Andrew it's 512 in the morning I'm driving to work on my day off if that tells you how my day is going I don't know what else does but anyway I'm still a couple

episodes behind on the podcast. And it's Reddit Dump. And Nikki said that the cry of a newborn baby is called vagitus, which sounds like a disease you'd get from your vagina. And yes, vagitus does sound like a disease. But you know what sounds more like a disease you'd get from your vagina? Vagitis. I literally said vagitis out loud and burst out laughing.

So, mispronunciation story with me, myself, and I in the car on the way to work this morning. So,

thought it was pretty funny. So, hopefully you don't get vagitis anytime soon. Love being a bestie of the pod and Jack in the Box.

Jack in the Box. Wait, maybe it is pronounced vagitis. Like, what a baby's cry is. You know? Yeah, I have no idea.

I didn't even... I don't even remember. I love this guy. He speaks in a cadence. That guy is me right now. My tiredness goes from manic and so excited. We can do anything to so dead. Yeah, cut to that guy at 2 p.m. Tiredness goes from manic and so excited. We can do anything to so dead. Yeah, cut to that guy at 2 p.m.

Tiredness is weird. I love his energy, though. That guy, I want him to host a game show. He's fucking fantastic. And wherever he's driving, sorry, you have to work on your day off. I'm sure when you get that call at 5 in the morning, you probably get it at like 12 at night. You're like, hey, can you cover for Jeff?

He went skydiving. Never came back. Never came back. Yeah, he's on the floor forever. Yeah, he got attacked by a duck. Fucking some owl got him. Yeah, no, I mean, I love how you either can attack that in two different ways. Like that guy, upbeat, and maybe at 2 p.m. he's going to want to kill himself.

Let's try to be that. Celebrating how shitty things are. How shitty it is. Yeah, that's what I tell people. It's good advice for the rally girl. When I look in the mirror and I look disgusting or have gained weight or feel like not myself, I just having the attitude of like well look at you today glaze these pants are uh too tight and you look a little bit masculine today well go get them

go get them dude go get them bro yeah like it's just fun to have that kind of attitude and like just like yeah make fun of it and have like a little bit of like pep in your. It's a good practice instead of the. I'm just like, well, this is it. I think that's I think that's honestly rally who's dealing with the guy stuff. Maybe try to rally. Look at it like it's that vagitosis guy. Just be like, hey, fuck that, dude.

I got a match. Happen again. Happen again. again connected with a guy and he fucking unmatches me well well uh par for the course baby let's keep on going and swipe it away like yeah i think that's a good i mean you could do both a little bit of both i think i think one i i used to not used to be that i still am that guy where it's like, something serious will happen and I'll be like, not take it in, kind of keep it on the surface because if it gets in too deep, your boy is going to be sad.

Yes. Then you can also look at it analytically and be like, should I be working at a job that is taking advantage of me and making me work on my day off at five in the morning? And am I a first responder? Or a doctor or something? Oh, yeah, that's good. You're on call.

But he could even go, even if you were, but you could go, well, I'm surely getting taken advantage of. Sounds like Andrew needs to look for another job. Well, get to it when I can. But this is life, and I have hands, and I another job. Well, get to it when I can. But this is life and I have hands and I'm grateful. Yeah, man. I think that's, I think same with the weed girl. It all comes down to like,

you can make really great adjustments and be serious about taking control of your life at the same time, do it with a silliness and a way that won't be too i just want to give a shout out to anyone out there who's tired though i am so tired this week and like i don't know how people do it this really makes me scared to ever have kids or ever have like i i'm so grateful that i was able to cancel the podcast yesterday and like noah's just like yeah of course it's fine

and you were like so fine with it like it without that I would have I would have like ended up crying on the podcast I was so tired and I was so just like I could not find a nap anywhere yesterday it was like but I know there's so many people out there that just that don't have

those that that leniency in their life of people letting them like nap or just like hey i've got this i got the kids you go in the next room so if you're out there and you're tired i want to hear from you how the fuck do you do it and um i hope so badly that you can find rest and i'm gonna go get some i'm gonna sleep until two i get two hours right now yes my god i'm so excited thank you guys so much for listening to the podcast all week long. Sorry we didn't do yesterday. I just needed a nap.

And I didn't even get one because I was just like anxious the whole time. I'm having like fever dreams. I was going to miss watch what happens live. Watch it tonight. Please watch our show this Sunday. We'll be back on Monday with a recap of the episodes that you watch. We'll talk all about it. So excited.

And we'll see you in Minneapolis and Madison this weekend. Cannot wait. And if you go alone to shows, know that you buy a ticket going alone. You can just DM me in all caps, going alone with your full name and the show you're going to. If you're going to Madison, let me know which show early or late and I will put you on the guest list to do the meet and

greet. And don't be cut. And Jagger. Moves like Jagger Jaggers John Stewart is back in the host chair at the Daily Show which means he's also back in our ears on the Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast Join late night legend

John Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews and and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Had enough of this country? Ever dreamt about starting your own?

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