The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #211 Genetically Loose Mouth

Episode Date: May 3, 2022

It's the morning after the premiere of E!'s Welcome Home Nikki Glaser? Nikki loved the person she saw on the show but has been sleep losing sleep over what to do in life. Andrew was happy to have his girlfriend's support despite catching his tongue hanging out of his mouth. Nikki talks about the behind the scenes of the moment she told her boyfriend Chris she loves him. You Heard It Here First, hold hands and feel better and a picture with Taylor Swift goes far on Grindr. In Top1 Bottom1 they discuss moments of Nikki's reality TV show and share a little bit more from behind the scenes.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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in comparison to him from novel listen to the bunny trap on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts when i smoke weed i get lost in the music. I like to isolate each instrument. The rhythmic bass, the harmonies on the piano, the sticky melody. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Careful, babe. There's someone crossing the street. Sorry, I didn't see him there. If you feel different, you drive different. Don't drive high. It's dangerous and illegal everywhere.

A message from NHTSA and the Ad Council. Happy holidays from me, Michael Rappaport, and my gift to you is a free subscription to the I Am Rappaport Stereo Podcast, where I discuss entertainment, sports, politics, and anything and everything that catches my attention. I am here to call it as i see it and there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these days listen to the i am rap report stereo podcast on the iheart radio app apple podcast and wherever you get your podcast the nikki glaser podcast Nikki Glaser, question mark on E, exclamation mark. That debuted last night. Andrew Collin is here in our studio. Noah is in Arizona.

Luigi's back next to me. I feel good. I am going on an hour of sleep, I think. What the hell? What? I don't know what's going on with me. I just can't sleep recently. I'm having anxiety issues.

My mind just races at night, and i just feel like i just can't sleep i mean what are you doing all night uh it's a long time i read a book i read like half a book and then i'm like i can't finish this book tonight that's just too much and then i put down the book and then i just try to close my eyes for like an hour and a half and just think and go no you're not allowed to go back to your phone like not allowed and then eventually i forget that i'm not allowed to and then i go back to it and then i read again another book i start a different book because maybe that book was too engaging and then um and then eventually at like 4 30 in the morning i fell asleep and then i woke up at 5 30 and what is the anxiety about it looks like i'm probably doing coke because my nose um that's why you're up all night it's

anxiety about just i can't really get into it honestly it's like it's just feeling like um it's just like my feelings honestly it's just like having my feelings hurt by certain things or like just expectations of people being let down in certain ways being like honestly it's and it's about like you know what am i doing with my life not like just what am i like why am i watching the reality show honestly i was just like i have to say i was like she's awesome like this girl deserves like a really good life. Like she's works hard. She's like a nice person.

She's really beautiful. Like I really liked the girl that I saw. I didn't, it really was not me. I did not like. Are you talking about Julie? Yeah. Yeah, Kirsten. No, you do.

No, I was just like, I didn't even, I had to like, I've never disassociated like that, but I was just like, oh, like I've never watched myself from the audience ever. I'm always on stage when the audience is taking me in or I'm at home alone and I'm never at a watch party for myself. I've never done that before in my life. Like a 40-foot screen.

Or if I watch myself, it's with an editor or you. And it's always stand-up, which is already very performative to watch yourself be yourself and and just no like no hair and makeup just what i wear on a regular tuesday my hair looking like mousy and slept in and my face looking like oh i can tell which side the pillow i slept on or like looking tired and like oh i didn't do my eye makeup right like just seeing all these things i was just like oh she's just like a girl doing her best and I really was like this girl deserves a great life and she deserves to be happy and I was just like kind of going over like talking about what I want my future

for my career James Corden just left and so I was talking to Chris about like it's always been a goal of mine on paper to like host a late night show and it just seems like oh here's this opportunity like do i go for it not that i would even have a chance but like if i throw my hat in the ring there could be a chance that i'm at least considered for it which could mean that i could actually get it and then do i even want that life like what what do i want kind of things and so what do i want in my personal life what do i want from my apartment like what i'm hiring organizers do i pay these organizers ten thousand dollars to organize my house or do i hire my friend who says she can do it for free and like just things like that like shit like that no no i know i just i'm just picturing you at like and this is all at like

4 15 in the morning i just wanted to journal just wanted to journal. I wanted to play music. I wanted to like process my feelings, but I couldn't because I had someone in bed next to me that was like sleeping. So I couldn't like get up and like make a ruckus. So, but I would have gotten up and I would have journaled because I was just, that always helps me like put my thoughts into, and it doesn't help to type them out on my phone,

but I really needed to like get my thoughts down to just like put them somewhere and like get them out. Now, why not? Do you ever think to just go in the living room and start a ruckus out there? Because I deal with the same thing. You know, someone's sleeping in the bed and you just want to, I don't know why,

it's four in the morning. I just want to hit pans. I just want to do something to like. Celebrate the new year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Celebrate nurses during COVID. Yeah. Yeah, let's bring it back hamster yeah i think i go no i didn't get up i've thought about doing that but i thought

um if i go to the kitchen i might start eating because i was so stressed out that i might start like binging because i was just i haven't had this much anxiety in a really long time and it's just i think it's from lack of sleep and being overworked. What about meditating? Have you thought about going back to meditating? Yeah, I thought that's what I'm going to go back to. That was like the thing that I kind of concluded today was that I need to start a meditation practice again

because it just calms that. But I couldn't last night in bed because it requires me to sit up and be alert. It would be weird if you aren't having these feelings. You're a human being who is overworked. Not under-fucked, but overworked. And you've gone on a run now for about a month where it's been non-stop. Working seven days a week.

If your brain wasn't... You wouldn't be normal if you weren't having these kind of thoughts i generally don't have if i if it wasn't lack of it's honestly it's interesting that i've i rarely have this much of lack of sleep and it's funny because i now get why people can survive on four hours of sleep perpetually because once you get sleep deprived it's almost like you get, you know how you get so hungry sometimes you're not even hungry anymore?

Do you ever have that happen to you? Yeah, for sure. Where like you go, oh, I'm past this point of like actually needing to be hungry and you get, like with tired, I'm not even tired anymore.

I'm awake because I'm so high off of being tired. I get that. And so I, it's rare that I felt, and I think that's what's, my defenses are down. My like,

you know, my immune system can't fight off the thoughts and everything like that. But I know there's a solution which is meditation. Yeah, when you get that far away

from sleep and it just becomes a pattern to not sleep, the idea of sleeping into like 11 is bananas. You know what I mean? Like the idea

to just let yourself sleep. You know, that I like. What do you mean? I don't? Like the idea to just let yourself sleep. No, that I like. What do you mean? I don't struggle with the idea of sleeping and getting to sleep for some reason. I just don't want to go to sleep. I need to finish the thought. I need to like.

But don't you think. I'm just not tired. Do you think that. I feel like I'm on meth. Well, you perform at night, right? A lot of times. Every weekend you're performing till whatever, till 1030 at least. But you have to be on as night, right? A lot of times. Every weekend you're performing until whatever, until 1030 at least. But you have to be on as fuck, right?

So it's different than every other job. You have to be on. So your brain is trained to be on at night until late at night for years. I just generally, when I'm tired, I can sleep. And that lately I've just, I think it's the same as that hunger thing. Like I've felt that before where you're like, you're so hungry so hungry at 6 30 it's time to eat and you go to a restaurant and the wait is too long so you go to another restaurant that wait is too long and then by eight o'clock you're just like I'm actually just want to go home like I don't even I don't even

know what I want anymore because if you like go past the feeling I feel like I never understood why people can maintain lack of sleep because when I get lack of sleep, I am so desperate for a nap and I can fall asleep like that. But right now, I could not fall asleep like that. We're also very good day sleepers, especially on the road. I love day sleeping. Yeah, there is something to hustle hard.

You don't need to sleep. No need for sleep. But I feel like the culture is changing a lot. I am not about that life. I'm not either. It ages you. If anything, I am just about sleep because I don't want my face to look fucked up. I cannot age any more than I already am.

Last night, Chris was asking why I don't go in the sun, why I do spray tan, because he's worried about all the things I'm inhaling with the spray tan, all the things I'm putting on my skin, absorbing. It's interesting to avoid the sun to avoid cancer, but then you're giving yourself cancer with these like sprays. And I go, I'm not avoiding the sun because of cancer. I'm avoiding it because of age. What are you, cancer schmantz? Like, I don't, I don't know.

I'm not scared of skin cancer. I probably should be, but that's not why I avoid the sun at all. That's not my first risk. Gotcha. You know? I'm trying scared of skin cancer. I probably should be, but that's not why I avoid the sun at all. That's not my first risk. Gotcha. You know, I'm trying to, it's vain, but I am sleep to me.

It's not like, Oh, it's going to give you Alzheimer's. I'm like, no, it's going to make me look two years older than I am. If you found out that tanning oil or whatever that you put on your skin actually makes you look older,

quicker, done overnight. I would be very sad because I would plummet in terms of like how i feel like i look on screen but you know i felt i i had a little bit of trouble watching myself last night as well like i i have resting tongue out of my mouth face and i had i didn't realize what do you mean i just my constant face is like a dog that ran too long honestly like it's just it's not it's not that but it's just like i just have this like off stare that i didn't realize i really had until i saw myself 50 feet every scene that you really are on your instagram i i didn't notice your okay all right well good yeah we joke about it just this face it's just like this

your tongue is not my dad does it too if i do if i do anything go back and look at the show i want to see what you're talking about i'm telling you my freaking i don't know if my mouth is big enough for my tongue i don't know if my tongue has gotten longer in age like my balls i don't know yeah but it's just i just i don't know i just feel like i had a really dumb looking like i would kill a puppy with my hands face yeah and uh it was weird to kind of see one who walked away from it liking myself more after last night every single person that came up to me andrew my dad my mom after the first commercial break it's so funny they all came up to me and this is true for anyone who's on tv especially for the first time break. It's so funny. They all came up to me, and this is true for anyone who's on TV, especially for the first time.

That's what I think it is. And you're seeing yourself from angles that you're not used to. It's not just flat on, which is a great joke in David Spade's newest special on Netflix, but my mom came up to me, and she's like, enough of the close-ups. Before she said anything else, my dad, the same thing.

The close-ups. I'm an old man. I look so anything else, my dad, the same thing. The close-ups. I'm an old man. I look so weathered. And Andrew, the same thing. Oh, my God. I have resting autistic face. And I was like, this is so funny that it's the first thing every person said before anything else. Yeah. I mean, we're all going to be very self-critical in different ways.

But none of you saw that in each other. I know. I thought your dad looked fantastic. My dad looked so awesome. He was glowing. Your mom is the star of the show. No offense towards all of us. Yeah.

None. Taken. She's just phenomenal. Like, she really, she's just so herself. She can't even help it. No, she can't. She literally can't help it, which is the best people. Like, I get jealous which is the best people.

I get jealous of those kind of people. I think I'm being myself, but there's something about someone so authentic. It's like my stepbrother, Jane. Even though she's very insecure about her looks and stuff, it doesn't match her personality, which is just so who she is. I want it to just go the whole thing. I know. She's worried about her living room being too lit. It looked cold and sparse.

The Kardashians, you watch that, it looks warm. There was nothing warm about our living room. Our living room is warm. I'm upset about it. I go, we'll screenshot the Kardashians stuff and then show next season. There were so many funny moments. Cinematographer.

We watch, obviously, both episodes. There was 100 people. It was loud. there were so many funny moments cinematographer the more I like we watch obviously both episodes in front of you know there was a hundred people it was loud yeah it was like a lot

I wish there would have been I tried to get closed captions on the screen because you missed so many jokes they put closed captions on one of the things I said because I don't speak English oh really

you didn't notice that no oh my god we needed it for the whole thing there was so many every joke that I was like really proud of you could not you missed because my voice was off screen or like you couldn't i was just like you had really good lines like i so did you i felt like they they christened too yeah my dad

had a great line about hide the meat oh yeah i mean i i uh it was really fun experience of course we're gonna break down ourselves but overall i, I really think they did a great job. It's weird to see, but so many positive reactions to it. It's so nice. Also, the graphics and stuff. I love all the colors and the slides in between. They did all of that on their own. I didn't give any notes.

They just sensed my aesthetic from living at my house, from seeing my bedroom, seeing the colors I wear. I usually have to give so many notes about graphics and stuff like that. They just nailed it. It didn't feel cheesy. And the song, I wrote myself. It was, you know. I haven't heard it yet.

I need to hear it. Really? Well, I couldn't. I didn't really hear it last night. Yeah, yeah. It was so hard to hear. Did you sing the opening song? I sang it, and I wrote the song. and then chase just did the arrangement for it but i

wrote the mel you know everything and then you had the you had the one line that you helped me with oh um put your pussy on your head everybody get ready i'm gonna miss my flight oh that was it that was i'm gonna miss my flight um i think i'll spend another i don't i don't want to spend another night alone there's one extra word that i welcome me home yeah you cut a word just one word which actually changes a lot and when you have only 10 words i mean it's a pretty high percentage yeah you you definitely um you'll we'll share that grammy it is hilarious if they had grammys for seven second songs. Oh, that'd be so funny.

Of like theme songs. I love writing theme songs. What a great, anything, any endeavor you have, like, because writing a song to me was so like, oh my God, it's too much. When they go, it's write a seven second theme song. That is any, if you want to be a comedian. Oh, a jingle?

Write one liner write a like start small it makes me realize right smart start small with any endeavor you have i mean a lot of good comedians were like copywriters and like i think any comedian that's pretty good can probably be a hell of a copywriter i think oh yeah i go hand in hand people need so much fucking work sometimes at ads i watch them and i'm like what are you doing why are you talking to us like this you think this is gonna you know sometimes i partner with companies and they give me copy and i go no one would ever buy a product with this kind of cop it's just so insulting to people's intelligence and like belittling and just uh just talking to them like they're children,

and trying to be funny when it's just ad funny is so unfunny. It's awful. I think there's a lot of parameters that they have to stay within, unfortunately, with different companies. So I'm sure it's tough in that regard, but I feel like ad companies either they try too fucking hard with being really like, there's not even a joke or is there, you know, or it's just so vanilla and jokey where it just sucks. It's hard to find that. I feel like somewhere in the middle is where you want to be.

My favorite ad is Skittles. You know, Skittles. I was literally just going to say Skittles. Skittles does a great job of not being. There was some stuff that was borderline gross or just like bizarre but it wasn't offensive it was just weird and like bizarre yes and if you're working within like the parameters of the fcc and you can't do anything edgy just be weird dude the fucking my favorite video ever or commercial is the beard yeah he's eating the Skittles with his beard.

He's in a job interview and the lady's like, I see you have this on your resume or whatever and he just eats the Skittle with his beard. He goes, that's nice. And it's just so... I'm trying to think of my favorite commercial. I just love it so much because anybody in an interview that takes over the interview by not giving a shit in real life,

I... I admire that person so much person any person who what like they just don't care whether or not they get the job oh my god carlisle just went into so she works at a place and she just went into another place to just see if she could get this other job because she's just you know trying to just move up to a maybe a different place or you know get two jobs and she didn't really care about getting the second job because she already has the first job and they chased her out of the building she had to go to like an audition at the fucking pacific design center for this audition for waitressing at this nice really nice steakhouse and they chased her out of the building to be like can you please

work for us because she just went in and didn't care she's like smoking a cigarette like shitting on the food they're like you're perfect yeah we need you to be the ceo what is that why is that negative you're nagging the company yeah because we want what we can't have and we want what we think is better than us so if someone comes in and goes i don't even want this like you guys are shit like i'm too good for this of course you want that person because they're good they're better than you deserve they're gonna make your thing better i know you hear that story a lot though it's like i went in there i fucking didn't wear shoes i punched a woman i fucking put my cigarettes out on the boss's forehead next thing you know i'm the lead lead actor of the office and it's like what i just love people hearing that story then try like our friend ian finance remember he had the he had an audition it didn't go well and then he went

back in and been like no this is for me like he like he went the other way that moment where he thought they were gonna go like no let's let's give him another chance yeah so for every person that's like i didn't give a fuck. I got that job. There's like a thousand people that heard that story, went in, guns blazing, and people are like, call the cops. Yeah, because you always hear people being like, no one believes in me. And I kept going. It's like, sometimes people don't believe in you because you suck and you should actually

listen to them. Not Ian, though. Ian's great. No, no, no. Ian's amazing. Yeah, I know. But it's just Ian. No, I know.

I didn't think you were saying that. Let's take a quick break and come back with the news, among other things. Andrew! I'm down over here. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors.

And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Good people. What's up? It's Questo. Questlove. And

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flavor and how Pixar is nurturing a creative culture. Listen to Building One on the iHeart Radio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. uh so we're back yeah the show premiered last night so much support from um all of our listeners thank you guys so much for watching you posted about it you wrote such kind messages it was just like such a nice outpouring feel so supported by you all and um yeah i feel really good about it i thought it was really funny and fun and it would be a show that I would want to watch. It was hilarious. It was, you know, it really is the only reality show I can think of where everyone on it,

besides me and you, don't want to be on it. Can you think of another reality show where every person, every time someone's on a reality show, they're trying to get famous. You and I are the only ones who give a fuck about being famous. And we don't even care that much for some reason.

I don't know why. That's the only reason I can do the show is because. And we don't even care that much for some reason. I don't know why. That's the only reason I can do the show is because I've given up. I find that it's better to not care. Yes, it's so good. And I'm not trying to be famous. We're not trying on it at all. So it's the only reality show, really, where no one's trying to be cool. Also, I feel like the whole, like, is this a dildo or something at a nursing home like we forget how extreme that is

to 99 of this country i remembered when i was watching it with 100 people in the crowd and all my parents friends and i'm pulling out like a pussy pump which by the way i bought that thing i never used it i don't even know what that is it seems like it's part of my repertoire it is not it was not a prop either that like the show bought. That is, those were all things underneath my bed. And the green one that you see right at the top, that's called the Shameless Flirt. It's by Cal Exotics. That is my favorite thing ever.

It goes, it goes, I've displayed it on the show before. Yeah. It sounds like a helicopter. It sounds like a rich man is coming in to fuck you. When you have a blindfold on but dude think about like i just remember like i remember watching beavis and butthead as a kid like a 13 year old and i remember beavis touching his own penis just like rubbing it and going yeah and it blew my mind yeah and so i'm just picturing someone that doesn't really

explore yet or they're very sheltered or whatever and they see something like it's okay to fucking go into a sex store and joke about it. It's not a big thing. There was no part of me that was like this is my toy. I was just like oh yeah this is this thing.

I was talking about it like they were like it was my tennis rack, it's my sporting equipment, which it kind of was. We really like the scene in the bathroom where you took out the dildo vibrator and you started pointing your eye.

I forgot. That got a weird, that got a weird. That made everyone really uncomfortable. That was so funny. Dude, there were so many moments during the show. I mean, we're going to talk about it in top one, bottom one great dude there were so many moments during the show i mean we're going to talk about it in top one bottom one but um there were moments during the i had not seen the second episode i'd seen the first episode i knew what i was in for it is weird to

watch your own reality show especially when it's one that like is involving dramatic parts of your life like sensitive parts of your life conversations that were really actually very fraught and uncomfortable to watch those recreated in this festive environment. I'm talking about the scene with Chris and I talking about our relationship. Yeah, I love you, thanks. Yeah.

Woo! Woo! Yeah. I told Chris, I go, that was the best joke of the night. Dude. I was like, Jesus. Yeah, that was-

That was intense. I gotta say- It was great. Great TV. That was not like, hey, let's intense. It was great. Great TV. That was not like, hey, let's have them go to dinner and have them not get along. People can relate to that, though. For sure.

Where you go out and you're like, it was all flirty. It was so fun. I remember I walked up, and I didn't look that great in that shot because the lighting was just weird in that place, but I looked fantastic that night, and he was very much like, oh, my God. It was just a sweet moment where he was like holy shit you look amazing and he's always very complimentary but i remember just specifically like oh note this outfit wear it again someday and um it was so flirty and fun and then he's talking about going on a date there and i they made it look like i was

annoyed by that but i was so horned up for it like i and when i said it i go good luck to those women good luck to them yeah yeah try to yeah like i i have a lot of confidence i'm not worried about that but um you you've had it happen to you where everything is set to be just like a romantic night and then one thing is said and the person goes wait what did you say or the or you know and then all of a sudden it is out of your control i thought we're just eating spring rolls down you lost an engine and the other engine is not starting and you are spiraling and everyone's screaming in the cabin the food the drink service has been halted and you're trying to stop it it can't be stopped for some reason why can't we just stop there's a great

part where i just thought this show is awesome because I was watching myself drowning. Like I said something that I knew I didn't. You ever say something to your significant other or anyone really, and you see that something has gone wrong and you don't know what it is yet. And you don't know why, what like, and you're just trying to fit, you're trying to retrace your steps of like, what did I say wrong?

What, what can I say? That's going to make this go back in track because this was honestly the first dinner that chris and i had had together on camera and like alone yeah and chris was not someone who wanted to be on the show like he did it because i was dating him at the time the camera showed up and i told him listen i i sold the show as like me going on dates a year ago you know and now we're shooting it I'm dating you but we're not official I was like I can still see you behind the scenes if you don't want to do this on camera because I know you're a private person or and and but I'm going to date guys on

camera because I I want to actually do I'm not going to fake it so I'm going to go on dates but I can still see you we can still work on this and I can talk about a guy I'm dating but just be like he doesn't want to be on camera whatever and he was like no i'll be on camera i'll do it it was really very very sexy to me that he stepped up to do that because i knew he didn't want to and he was doing it for me and he wanted to do it for me it wasn't like i'm doing this for you you owe me it was like no i like that i can do this for you and it wasn't easy for him and that scene man i all i wanted was for us to have a cute romantic dinner to set the stage for like what we're good at like having fun joking being kind of flirty and

sexy and then it just got out of my hands when your intentions all my intentions are positive that's what i always used to say to him and these are my intentions and i always say to people like yeah like i remember saying to him and he knows this intentions and i always say to people like yeah like i remember saying to him and he knows this yeah i go i want you to know i'm looking down the camera right now i have never once ever in my life done anything to purposely hurt you ever i would never do that maybe one time i did one time i did and i will admit to the one time I remember the one time because it's so rare that I would ever do yeah I don't often do things even passive aggressively to hurt someone like yes there are times where subconsciously I will passive aggressively try

to get a rise in someone but hurt someone's feelings make someone feel like I don't love them never would I do that especially to Chris ever and I just want I go just go forward knowing that I'm always trying my best but then that's where I kind of explained it on the show I got into trouble because in our relationship back eight years ago when we first started nine years ago when we first started dating in 2013 I was I would have problems and I never understood women who complained to their husbands or nagged or was like, I don't like when you do this. Don't wear that shirt.

Take out the trash. I would see that on TV. I would see my friends talk about talking to their boyfriends like that. And I'm just like, but he'll leave you. Why would anyone put up with that? Which I still believe is true. You should not talk to anyone like that. I hate that nagging stuff i never want to be a nag but i do think that there

was i i went so far where i go i'm never going to say anything wrong because i don't want him to ever have a reason to leave me i never want him to ever have any reason where because i'm too scared that if i say well i mean you guys know it goes back to the job interview this goes you're doing a job interview and you're begging for the job or you're not being yourself you're not being the guy with the beard oh my god commercial and i do that for men like i and i think a lot of women do a lot of men do it like yeah i'm so real in every aspect of my life but when it comes to romantic like i just don't feel like I deserve that kind of like really romantic love that isn't just from blood.

Like my parents just love me because they have to, and there's nothing they can do about it. I was born loved by them. I'm lucky that I have parents that just like, they, there's nothing I could do, but to earn that from someone, I just don't feel worthy of it from a stranger.

And now I do after literally after watching last night's show i know this sounds super like lame and i'll probably it's just i feel so ridiculous saying it but i really love myself i like i love that girl and i was like she's so i said this about it before but like i was just like she's so cute and like there were times where i looked really old or my makeup was fucked up or my hair looked like messy or, you know, my ass looked like there was I found I saw every flaw that you could possibly see in someone. But I just like was like, you are so cute and adorable and funny and like yourself and real. Like I just loved her. And I was like, I almost like when you see a baby picture of yourself,

and you're like, oh, look at you, you little girl. Like, that's how I felt about myself. And I was like, this girl deserves love. She is not a bad person. She deserves someone to really, like, shower her with love. And I think that I, it was a nice realization to have,

and I think that's what kept me up last night but that scene I'll tell you it was that was so rough to watch because it was so rough to live and the behind the scenes of that scene we so we we go we had that dinner and we get into just a bad conversation spiraling and you see me oh my favorite part of the scene is I'm going yeah yeah yeah I'm fine and I'm playing with my hair thing that's on my wrist and i start twirling it and my face is like i'm fine i look younger in that scene than i've ever looked in my entire life i if you go back to that scene i look so young my every line comes out of my face i look like a little girl again just trying to get this guy back to liking me and my you can tell how anxious i am because i'm doing this thing i'm doing like cat's cradle with my uh hair tie and i loved that scene because i was just like i know what i

was feeling in that moment and i was trying to hide it because i wanted to just for him i i was ready to like have it out on camera but i just didn't want him to feel like he was maybe going to be painted in a bad way and i could just sense he was shutting down like we're not talking about this like there wasn't going to be any way for i just was so worried so afterwards we had a big talk because we go this is just the beginning of the show and that did not go well and we talked about like what was good about that scene what was because we were having a great time we like there's so much fun stuff cut from that scene of us fucking with the waiter and it was like it was the best date and then it just and then we both knew oh they're gonna run with the bad part of this because it got so messy

because we were talking about our past but it was actually really good because we needed to talk about that stuff and honestly like maybe i did bring it up in a way because i felt more brave with the cameras there than i would if they weren't there or something. I don't think that was the case. I was really trying to be delicate. But afterwards, we talked for like an hour in the street after the cameras left and talked about, you know, just our boundaries with like what we want to admit on here, what we want to say, how we want to admit on here what we want to say how we want to come off the things that i say sometimes that you know i start talking about like in the past he had anger issues which when i say anger issues for me that means a guy that just doesn't talk and is like quiet like yeah i'm fine it's fine like anger to me is just being quiet anger doesn't mean to me like screaming punching a wall

and but he goes no nikki when you say i anger issues, if you don't elaborate what that looks like for me, it sounds like I hit you. It sounds like I punched walls. It sounds like I'm violent. And it's not, people on E don't go to therapy as much as you go. Like I know that your friends might interpret you saying I have anger issues as like,

oh, he gets quiet sometimes and broods about stuff. But that's not gonna look good. I don't want you to portray yourself as someone who would be with someone who would hate, you know, like he was worried about me too. Yeah, I get that.

And it really resonated with me because I forget that everyone isn't me and everyone isn't processing everything. And, and words mean different things to me than other people. Like I have this joke in my act about small penises. I'm trying to empower men with small penises. I'm trying to get women to stop shaming men about them I want men to feel confident with whatever they have give them a set of tools to like go into a situation and feel no shame and I miss and and Chris even talked to me after my set last week and was like I think that you're

kind of missing the mark on some of this messaging like as a man I just want to let you know like and he's not a man with a small penis but he's like i know what you're trying to do but it it's i think you might be doing the opposite and i was so mad i did because i was like but i know that like like we were saying like i'm never trying to hurt anyone with a small dick everything in my act is like about empower like yeah only all i want to do is uplift them that's i want to shame women who who make the guys feel bad about small dicks so how could my words be interpreted any other way if that's the feeling behind them but the truth is i went and i was so mad and i was like oh god he just doesn't get it it's a fucking joke and i go to the bathroom and i'm washing my face and i

go okay try to think of it from his perspective, from a guy with a small penis, not his perspective, because he does not have a small penis at all. I love these disclaimers. But he doesn't. And it sounds like I'm, but he was just like, there's just, so I go,

okay, I'm a man with a small penis, because he was standing up for those guys. He was like, I just think that's not making those guys feel better. So I go in the bathroom washing my face, and I'm just so fucking mad. I have to even go to bed, and I i'm so tired and i want to finish this fight and i want to win this fight because i know my joke is right and i know my intentions and i start

washing my face and i'm like if a guy got on stage and was like men stop shaming women about having loose pussies right so women with big pussies if you're concerned that your pussy isn't tight enough fucking who gives a shit like i went through the messaging of my joke but i replaced small penis with loose pussy and it didn't check out for me in terms of making me feel better if i had a loose pussy it didn't i was able to get to a place where i go whoa i didn't i know the intention but my words do not convey my intention and that it that it doesn't matter what I say. It's the feeling that it gives someone. And I have to be accountable for that feeling.

Like, even if I go. You just have to think, like, just say, what if my pussy had anger issues? Yes. How would that sound? My pussy was slamming cabinets. Because I made a comment about its mother. Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.

Sorry. Go, go, go, go. But, like, if I hurt your feelings. Yes. And I say something, which has happened before, where I've just mother. Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. Sorry, go, go, go, go. But like if I hurt your feelings, and I say something, which has happened before, where I've just said something like, oh, I didn't miss you this weekend. And you go, that hurts my feelings.

And I go, but I didn't mean it that way. Yeah. That doesn't excuse what I just did. I still owe you an apology for hurting your feelings, because it doesn't matter what I meant. It hurt your feelings, and me going, well, that's not what I meant. Stop it.

That is gaslighting you into thinking that your feelings and me going well that's not what it meant stop it that is gaslighting you into thinking that your feelings aren't real which they are because you can't help your feelings I took me till I was 30 years old if you have feelings you can't help them they're not your fault and you don't owe anyone an apology for your feelings ever ever ever and that is really hard to remember and it's like if I say oh well my well, my feelings were hurt. Well, that wasn't my intention. But that's still what came across. So even if I think the thing to go is, well, that wasn't my intention. And I can see how you can feel that way.

Because you are feeling that way. Even if you can't see it. Oh, yeah, even if you couldn't. I can't see how you would feel that way because I can't relate to your experience. Yeah. But I'm really sorry I made you feel that way. And I acknowledge that it did. And you're fine to feel that way because you can't help how you feel and that made you feel that way because of your past which is not something like we all

just need more empathy which is not about putting yourself in someone else's shoes it's about putting yourself in their brain their experience their their age, their home life, the way they grew up, which you can't really do. So sometimes you just have to go, there's no way for me not to understand their experience. I just have to trust that they feel sad and maybe they're manipulating you. But most of the time, you probably know whether or not they're doing that. Their intentions are probably pretty good too. Yes.

Let's get to the news. Thank you for allowing me to have my tirade. Just kidding. No, I mean it actually. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, man. It's Monday, folks. You know what that means? It is Monday. If you haven't seen

Welcome Home, Nikki Glaser, what the fuck are you doing? Seriously. I honestly, you should, yeah. I don't know what you're doing. It's on Hulu, by the way. It's streaming on Hulu. Oh, it is now streaming? Yes. Didn't you tell me it wasn't going to stream? I didn't know. I're doing. It's on Hulu, by the way. It's streaming on Hulu. Oh, it is now streaming? Yes. Didn't you tell me it wasn't going to stream? I didn't know. I watched it on Sling TV.

And it did stream on Hulu Live. Yeah. And Bravo. It's going to be on Sling USA. It's going to be on YouTube. Dude, if you have a DVR, YouTube or YouTube TV, if you have a DVR, besties,

DVR every single playing of Nikki, like fill up your DVR. And if you send me a screenshot of all the recordings of Welcome Home Nikki Glaser I'll post it on my Instagram I love you so much and watch every single one of them don't be dishonest but you know just DVR that's all I want

just fucking DVR I just want a second season I just want to make more shows with Andrew and my family next season I promise my tongue will be even farther out of my mouth you looked great I thought but I love that you were wearing a necklace in one scene

and we didn't address it was like when I wore that funeral garb to the Chelsea Handler show and she didn't I was in all camo it was a joke I know

it's so embarrassing it makes it so much funnier it was Chris in the middle of it goes is that necklace real and I go no it's a bit but I love that they didn't

I said I have to do you want me to dress tough or something do you need muscle do you need muscle and then i came out in that outfit i also had an undershirt underneath oh you're so funny in that row i mean what the fuck okay anyhow okay it's monday having all the swells out there again thank you so much for watching if you're having like what the fuck are you doing over to to you, Noah. Over to you and back, Noah. All right. Well, besties and new besties can go see Nikki and Andrew in Pennsylvania this weekend. Two shows in Pennsylvania, right?

I don't know. Two separate cities. Yeah. One at the Kirby Center and the other at the Keswick Theater in Glenside, PA. Thank you. And then... Something on you. And then... Something on Saturday.

And then New Jersey as well. Montclair? Yes. Montclair, New Jersey too this weekend. I don't have to add that to my notes. Yeah, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, we are in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. Just go to NikkiLaser.com to check for details.

If you want to get merchandise, you can go to Podshop.NikkiLaser.com. A lot of besties have been wearing merchandise to the meet and greets. They look, those blue shirts. They pop. Girls have been cropping them. It is such a cute look with like black jeans. Noah's wearing it right now.

Check it out on our YouTube. Andrew's wearing the All the Swells hat, which I wore all weekend long. And yesterday I was checking out at Hudson News at the airport in Madison. And a woman goes, happy May Day. And I go, oh, happy May Day. And she goes was checking out at Hudson news at the airport in Madison. And a woman goes, happy May day. And I go, Oh, happy May day.

And she goes, all the swells. And I go, yeah. And I go, it's my pot. She goes, Oh,

it's swells. And I was like, she definitely didn't know the podcast. I go, Oh, it's on my podcast. And she was like, all the swells.

Like she like knew it was like a positive thing. I love it. So get, and the hats are so comfortable and so cute and they're not that egregious and stand out I really am proud of this merch so great job everyone who had anything to do with it

and thanks for buying it alright if you're looking for something nice to do for that special someone just hold their hand aww the act of touch by someone you trust can reduce stress hormone

and even lower heart rate i'm gonna hold his paw i hold the basketball hand holding has been used in clinical situations that are highly stress inducing for example researchers have found that patients who held a researcher's hand during cataract surgery reported feeling significantly less anxious during the surgery. Further, researchers have reported that hand-holding can be effective in reducing physical pain as well as emotional pain. Oh my God, I'm holding Luigi's paws right now and he's hating it so much, but I'm loving it. Yeah, he couldn't, he's like, I'd rather have cataract surgery than this.

He's wearing a little Wilco bandana. Thank to wilco for you know what i do with bretta with hand holding like that just like soothes me hearing about it it's so true there's a spot here that you have a headache spot some people don't know about it it's like an anxious spot if you squeeze right here between your thumb and your index finger yeah that meaty part that's supposed to actually be the most delicious part of a human being too if you eat humans oh maybe like this palm skin right here oh yeah dude we actually that that's but that will calm me so much and it's such a fun like fun such a nice thing to do for i because if you do it to yourself it works thank you oh my. I love her so much. You guys were talking.

She is such a little doll. I see her so rarely, so I forget how much I love her. I was talking to her about your podcast. She's so cute because she's like, I don't know if you've seen Andrew's podcast recently, Puddles. Brenna is the permanent, what is it? Recurring guest. Recurring guest. On her choice, not mine. podcast recently puddles like brenna is the you know permanent uh what is it recurring guest recurring guest on her choice not mine yeah so she's like the she's the co-host essentially and she is the co-host but it's um i just i told her last night i'm just like you're so freaking cute

and like just watchable like and i and i love seeing someone much like my reality show that doesn't want to be famous on camera there's something refreshing about someone who doesn't have an agenda and she i mean i'm not saying anything that i don't think i can say but she was just like you know sometimes i feel like andrew's like they're tuning in for andrew like they don't care what i have to say like what do i have to say and i said no it's not true i go no no no i said please i'm dying you're so smart you have the funniest you have crazy stories you are so intellectual and people that like andrew as a fan of comedians myself you always want to know about the girlfriend you want to know everything and especially girls that you project

a lot of perfection onto which she's one of the most stunning people i've ever seen in my life you go what is she doing like what's going on there? And you also want to know her flaws. You want to humanize her. And so I told her, which I hope she, I hope she takes it because I wasn't just saying this. I was like, you, this could be a career for you.

And I know you don't maybe want it, but like when you have that little voice in your head that says, don't say this, who cares? Fight it. Because who the hell are me or Andrew? Like we're just two people that were just like you that were like, should care what we have to say and we've earned it at this point because we've worked on it but you you start somewhere to be like i think i might have

something to say and so yeah i just i mean especially last her hand last episode of whatever the puddles podcast which is my podcast she she opened up in a way i don't need to spoil it i'm not trying to like hold but she was just so honest about where she's come from what she's gone through yeah she's what she's still dealing with to a point where it was just like got so many messages from people of like i i don't have this story but i relate to this story like in a way where it's like those kind of things are big deals when you when you're a podcaster if people are like what should i do with pod be honest and and be everything in life vulnerable and like i was talking to people are gonna like relate to that because chris was talking about some person he hasn't gotten back to in a while

and he's really bad at like when he when someone texts him that's really important to him he wants to really give it a lot of effort. I think everyone relates to this. And so then he just never writes back because there's never enough time to give that person the amount of effort. So everyone that's getting written back to is like the people that are like the least important in his life.

And I said, all you need to do is when you have time, leave that person a voice memo that just goes, listen, I know I have not answered the last 17 texts from you and it's been months and I'm literally ghosting you because I'm so embarrassed. But when people are important in my life, it's really a struggle for me to get back to them because i want to give them more than i have time to give and so then i never do it and just no not hearing from me is actually means you're important in my life and i'm so sorry and i'm working on it and i said just be honest and he said you know what you said one time when you're

on stage and you're bombing that when in doubt, be honest. And it will always get you out of a situation. And that's true. Like, any time that I'm really embarrassed of something I did or I just, I get honest. And then it frees you of it. So if you're avoiding someone's call or you always want an email or you've been like, just own up to it. And I swear to god just admitting because everyone has that by the way the procrastination thing but i wanted to say about um

brenna is like i just it's i forget that i have a friend in this building that like i can talk to you about anything who just talks immediately like deep and like the way that i like to talk to my friends like right away and it just sucks that I just forget that sometimes and especially when we're on the road all the time and I just don't I don't want to like and like I just want to hang out more I'm just putting that out there here because I just last night I was just like I want more of you because she's just she's not fake at all she like I feel like she really cares about me and I just feel the love from her. That isn't like the love that sometimes you get from your best friend's girlfriend. You know, like it doesn't feel like forced or like I'm just putting up with this girl.

Like it just feels real. And I'm really appreciative of her. And I'm excited to see she's so young. I'm like, oh, my God, so awesome that you're just like, oh, what I want to do right now. I'm just trying this and this. And like she's she's a. She's a good egg. I mean, we had a really great night last night. You have my approval.

I'm just kidding. No, I'm so glad. We had such a good night last night. I'm so glad you did. She was so supportive coming. I don't know. It's just, you know, it was a beautiful night. And hanging out with Ari and his wife.

Ari and his wife took us. Ari Finling was there, yeah. It was just like, I don't know. It was a beautiful night and hanging out with Ari and his wife. Ari and his wife took us. Ari Finling was there, yeah. And it was just like, I don't know. It was a special night. It's so fucking nice, and I never had this, to share a moment with someone. Yeah. Whether it's positive or negative. Yeah.

Just to have someone to fucking share it with. That's what. It's the best, dude. It's about. It's the fucking best. Anyhow. I know. And it's. Yeah. And it's to share a moment that isn't necessarily both of yours.

You know, that a person can be your partner and still celebrate things that they weren't maybe as involved in. That's the real mark of someone that goes, you know what? This is for you. I just want to celebrate you. It's so sweet. And she was there for me last night too, I felt like. She was, for sure.

She came up and the way she was proud of me was the perfect reaction that I wanted from everyone that I didn't necessarily get from everyone in my life. But it's hard for people. We got to go to break. I wanted to say one more thing that I did see a girl last night that was my mom's best friend's daughter. Her name's Julia.

And she's a gorgeous girl. I think you probably met her. Elaine's daughter. And I knew her growing up. And she, you know, we just knew each other peripherally. She was in my sister's grade younger. But on Facebook, I guess, early 2000s, after we'd graduated, she like started modeling, and she would post pictures. And she is now a mom and like, not a model anymore, but like, still fucking

gorgeous, but like, you know, over 24. So not a model. And we're not working in the modeling industry, as far as I know, but she came up to me last night, and she was like, I hadn't seen her in decades. And she's like, I just want to say to you that I get memories so often of like, you know, 10 years ago you posted this picture. And she goes, and my modeling pictures have been coming up recently. And you're the only one who ever commented like anything nice. And no one else did. And I just couldn't believe that these pictures would get three likes. And I remember at the time thinking, God, this other bitch that my friends are all like

fawning over how beautiful she is posted this blurry selfie and she's getting told how she's gorgeous and i go because people are jealous yeah because they're quiet when the people like it's so disappointing but last night i did a live with hannah and page from summer house and pay i was talking to them about like what do i do about the negative feedback with the reality show and Paige goes not everyone's gonna like you because some people have bad taste and it just sucks for them. I was like yes Paige

yes. Anyway let's go to break. I'm sorry to interrupt anything else? No I think Paige is a very confident. I love her. Like very funny and real person. She really is. I fought watching Summer House, man,

because they kicked Hannah off or whatever happened there. But guess who is shining this? Paige stepped the fuck up and filled that role of the truth teller in the house. Yeah. And I'm not going to do my impression of Lindsay, but it is like this. Oh, that's a good one.

Okay? We're from the same hometown. Oh, man. I want to work on my Lindsay, even though I hear she's doing great right now, and I wish the best for her. I hear she's sober. All right, let's go to break. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight

straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Good people, what's up? It's Questo, Questlove.

And Team Supreme and I have been working hard to bring you some incredible episodes of Questlove Supreme with guests you definitely don't want to miss. Now, one of the things I love about this Questlove Supreme podcast is we got something for everybody, every type of musical ever. We enjoy speaking to the people who are the face of some movements, some people you've seen on stage or TV or magazine covers. But we also love speaking to the folks who were making it happen behind the scenes and they paved the way for those that followed. You know, keystones to the culture. This season, we've had some amazing one-on-one conversations

like I'm Pete Bill chatting up with hitmaker Sam Holland, sugar Steve chatting with the legend Nick Lowe, and I've had pleasures of doing one-on-one conversations with Willow, Sonata Matrea, Kathleen Hanna, and the RZA. These are conversations you won't hear anywhere else. So make sure you go back and you check those episodes out. All right. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager.

Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened,

and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community, and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps.

Listen to Crems as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When I smoke weed, I get lost in the music. I like to isolate each instrument. The rhythmic bass, the harmonies on the piano, the sticky melody. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Careful, babe.

There's someone crossing the street. Sorry, I didn't see him there. If you feel different, you drive different. Don't drive high. It's dangerous and illegal everywhere. A message from NHTSA and the Ad Council. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, like LPGA superstar Angel Yen.

I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing. And the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition,

and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports & Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the party. That's P A R T E E on the I heart radio app, Apple podcast,

or wherever you get your podcast presented by elf beauty, founding partner of I heart women's sports. All right. Uh, next story. Why do I care? Why do I care? The one story was holding hands.

That's all we got. I know. No, I know. I'm not making fun of you. We're changing things. There's a lot to talk about. Speed round. Speed round.

What's next? Elbows? Okay. I love this story. Gerard Carmichael reveals his secret weapon on Grindr to Howard Stern. Can you guess what it is? Having an HBO special? Wait, secret?

Can I ask some questions to get a hint? Is it a thing he says? Or is it a thing in a picture? Or is it a thing he says in the bio? It's a picture. A picture that he sends. Okay, so it is a picture of his hands. On Grindr.

Can I? Yeah, like there's something that indicates his big dick. Okay. I saw a guy that I was so interested in, I could tell he had a big dick because his hands were so black. Wow. That's a good joke. Yeah, it's a great joke.

That's the joke I told right before I fainted in Dana Point at Hennessy's In 2007 In a picture what do you think? Is it something a gay man Would be into or would women also respond to this? A little bit of Column A and B Okay

Probably a picture in gray sweatpants That shows his dick is big but not hard Yeah gray sweatpants is good Andrew's wearing gray sweatpants today shows his dick is big, but not hard. Yeah. Gray sweatpants is good. It's what about Andrew's wearing gray sweatpants today for people who are listening? Uh, yeah, I am,

but I'm not Carmichael and down there. I'll tell you that I barely have a tricycle. Um, a picture with like Dave Chappelle. Okay. Let me tell you. It's a picture of me and Taylor and Taylor. I use on my profile now. Mm profile now i'll send it to guys you

really want to excite the gays in new york city send a picture of you and taylor swift i just got like i'm not kidding you i just jealous i don't know like it just like something went through my body i don't know what happened like i just got so excited for him that she did this. Whenever girls come up to me at shows and they go, you're my Taylor Swift, that's what a lot of besties say. It's so nice.

You're my Gerard Carmichael. That's pretty cool. And they said it last night actually on the show that girl did. But this is how I lean on this. This is how Taylor Swift takes pictures with people. She's such a sweetie

and she goes, and I just love it because she looks so nurturing and i'm dying for a picture with her like that and um but you'd both be doing the same thing do we know so um here's oh my god i would just be fainting yeah do we have the photo um yes i'll pull it up but i'll tell you how he got the picture snl um well it turns out he also uses his snl promo photos oh that's smart smart okay so here's how he got the picture howard says to him you said in an interview somewhere that you were at a party once and you got taylor swift's number and then carmichael said swift swift was just being nice adding that he snapped a picture with the very, very sweet singer when they met. Okay. Oh, here it is.

So he's at a table. Oh my God, she looks, she's doing it. She's making a cute face. She's at a table with Gerard Carmichael and Tommy Dorfman. I don't know who that is. But they're like all like kind of cheersing and Taylor looks so pretty.

Oh, my God. For some reason, I would feel like I'd be cheating. That's like cheating. It's like a cheat code. I would feel weird doing that because I'd feel like, unless I was good friends with Taylor, I'd feel like that's like, for me, it's like if I was posing next to a Ferrari that wasn't mine. Right.

I would just feel like, do I deserve this dick? It's obvious. Yeah, it's like if I was posing next to a Ferrari that wasn't mine. Right. Like, I would just feel like, am I, do I deserve this dick? It's obvious. Yeah, that's true. That you're just like, I'm a Taylor Swift fan. Yeah. I would put a picture of me talking to her that I have where it's just the back of my head. Just to be, but, you know, if I was trying to get, straight guys are not like.

What would you use for, to get a straight guy? Like, or who would be in the photo that you think would actually help you norm mcdonald yeah or like i don't know if he's known enough though i think maybe are you kidding me every single guy is so in love with more that's true i guess he's big enough oh my god yes but i'm just thinking someone on taylor's level i'm thinking he's neat i think taylor's so hmm... On her level in terms of like what... I'm trying to think of like who's the ultimate, like the rock. Yeah, something like... But that would attract a type of guy that I do not want.

If someone was like, oh my God, how'd you meet him? Yeah, how big were his pecs? I would probably post something like Jeff Tweedy would attract the kind of person that I would want to date. So you'd go more niche yeah yeah because i think that that's what you yeah you want because i have some photos with like the duplass brothers kevin hart i have a photo with that i look like his jewish manager like i look like so not cool like i've never looked less cool than standing next to kevin it's so funny guys on tinder when you when I used to be on like Raya or actually Bumble in New York, every comic as a picture of them doing standup and like women,

whatever I used to post pictures of being like doing my job. No, no, no. Do not post that. It's not, it doesn't really have that as my profile right now on Instagram. I was just bored with whatever photos.

Yeah. You switch it up sometimes. And I go, someone was up at 4am last night. Just deleting photos I have. Yeah, you switch it up sometimes, and I go, someone was up at 4 a.m. last night just- Deleting. Deleting. Hey. No, he can't delete things.

We learned that on Snapchat. That's the luck. We wish him all the best since he's uncanceled. All the swells, yeah. So let's get to top one, bottom one. This is a special Welcome Home Nikki Glaser question mark edition. As always, you can see both episodes now on Hulu. Bravo.

Playing all week on E. USA. Top one, bottom one moment. Right, Noah? From? Yep. Welcome Home Nikki Glaser. Welcome Home Nikki Glaser.

Let's start with our top moment. We start with the top. Noah? Oh, okay, great. So I love the show. There were many top moments, but for me, the jujitsu gym, the whole thing,

Julie showing up with her tough guy East Coast shirt. Oh my God, how funny was that? I've never even seen that shirt. I go, what is that? Whoever started talking about Dawson's Creek, I mean, when your mom was yelling Dawson's Creek, it was probably the funniest moment of the show. I forgot about that moment.

That was great. Yes, and I want to just point out that Julie did a very good OOPA escape. Oh, good. I thought she did a FOOPA escape, and she didn't get away from it quick enough. It's still in there. Yeah, it's still there.

I love that joke because my mom could hear it and go, I don't know what that means. And then you explain it quick enough. It's still in there. Yeah, it's still there. I love that joke because my mom could hear it and go, I don't know what that means. Yeah. And then you explain it to her and she goes, She probably spelled it wrong. She spelled it F-O-O-P-A

and she'd Google it and go, Nikki, I don't know. She'd ask Jeeves. I think I bought that at Goodwill. Okay, so wait. Sorry, Noah. Go on.

Yeah, no. So the OOPA escape was when you have someone mounting you and then you bridge and you roll them over. Oh, yes. That was fun.

Julie is so flexible. She was on the ground doing the technical stand-up. Yeah, women can get on the ground. We all know that. Yeah, she could get on the floor. That's right. So that was my... I think because it involved jujitsu and all that,

I loved it. So that was my top. I love that too. I love that you... I forgot about that was my i love that too i love that you i i forgot about that scene that was a great great scene the dawson's i i have to rewatch it because it was so loud in the bar but because i i chose that topic of like what because they didn't let me watch dawson's creek as a kid like i had to sneak it because there was so many sex too much sexual yeah and my dad used to not let me watch friends because he called it sexual frenzy

because all they talk about is sex. I let you watch One Tree Hill and meanwhile that guy was a creepiest. I wasn't allowed to watch Seventh Heaven because of God. Oh, Seventh Heaven, that was it. Yeah, it was God-y. What was your top moment, Andrew? I love that your parents kept you away from sex and God. Yeah. I had nowhere to go.

Except inward. And I couldn't masturbate because God's mad about that too this explains everything yeah I didn't like either of them I didn't know where to go so you got sex and God

from Dave Matthews oh my yeah he became my God and he became your sex God oh my God oh my God top one

I mean does it have to include me or just no oh okay it was anything yeah anything um first thing that comes to your mind okay i'll say mine my favorite thing was sorry i was gonna give you time because i thought you didn't have it um when i i was just proud of this joke there was when we were at goodwill and there was a sign that said imagine and i covered it up to say vagene i was very proud of that like that was like a hard joke to make but i was just trying to make jokes out of anything it's hard dude people don't realize really funny to take the the m and the i cover the i cover the part of the m and make it a v and then cover that like it was

it was a good job takes imagination to do it. Thank you. I know, it sounds cheesy. Imagine. The goodwill scene, also hilarious. So fun. I don't want to ruin it for people who may have not watched it, but just when you showed up and- Oh, get this, Noah.

Last night I show up, I'm wearing a cropped jean jacket and my mom is wearing the same cropped jean jacket too. We're both wearing the same thing. This does not happen to us regularly. And also my favorite line that everyone probably missed is when the woman goes,

can I help you find anything at Goodwill? And I go, mom, she asked if she can help us find anything. I'm going to be like, yeah, do you have a Dare t-shirt from 1999?

What are you looking for? I loved that line and it's just like you do you have like a random high school in nebraska that has like cool colors there was another part of that scene that i really loved and it showcased the multi layers of your mom's personality it was like a very small thing but um when you were picking out stuff for your apartment, she goes, oh, she says something about how you're,

you're getting creative again. And like her voice got a little deeper and she has a tendency to do that sometimes. Or she goes, oh, I see you're getting creative again. I mean, I can't even do it,

but yeah, just like these small little nuances of your mom's personality. She is a star. I mean, yeah, she was unbelievable. I would say she's probably my top one in life and on the show. Just kidding. That's what I was going to say. Also, when I called her a jabberwocky, I really appreciated that.

That was great. That made me laugh a lot. I felt like I laughed a lot on the show. I felt like in regards to lines, I did really enjoy when I told your mom when she had the screwdriver. Oh, that was so funny. I forget exactly what the line was,

but essentially the guy was going to show up and you were going to help build a dresser. Yes, that was so funny. You had a lot of good lines, but yes, you were more like they're kind of giggling. I felt like Muttley a little. Yes, but we little like yes but that's we love a laugher oh dude no that's like i forget sometimes like just enjoying it a lot of people can't also not like not trying to make it about yourself especially on a reality show is actually a like like not easy no it's not it's not easy um what was your least favorite moment

oh wait we usually end up sorry we did it backwards that's okay least favorite moment it's honestly tough like because i really don't think there were that like i mean whoever edited it did a fucking great job. The only moment that I felt like I would have liked to have seen is when I was introducing you at the factory. It would have been nice to see me on stage. Yes. Just to see that, oh, I also do stand up. Yes.

That's just like... No, you're right. That would have been an important part of it. It's a thing where where i'm sure i'll eventually be on stage no but it would have set the scene it would have made more sense for that for sure but other than that like i honestly like i really can't talk negative i really enjoyed it favorite part was my eye makeup running in the conversation after the rollerblading part i just looked like all i had to do was do this and i wish someone would have been like just wipe under your

eyes because i really i have really long bottom eyelashes and it all transfers and I just look really I look fine in that scene I'm fine with it but I just that's the only thing that I just watch and I go oh god just it's such an easy fix just yeah you know um no god does it show it's real you know yeah that's good I thought you looked beautiful in that scene. I loved how you were sitting. Okay, but my least favorite moment, and this is why I don't like watching shows when they're on live, is they showed two episodes,

and by the end of the second episode, my brain was already triggered, like I need more. I have to see what happens. That's a great negative and um i did not appreciate it because i couldn't watch more and then the next ep like the first episode replayed again and we just sat there watching it again i love that there was a countdown for six hours person texted me oh yeah she was watching during the day and it was six hours like like

it was i was a shuttle launch that's literally like when you start a countdown at fucking 75 it was like on on the giggly squad because i i watched some of that too and you were saying how like the support that he gave you of how much promotion for the show there there's no, like, it was, it really came through. Like, you could tell, like, he was very, very happy about this show. And that's why I gave it my all, too, and did every press opportunity

because I saw how much they put into it. I was like, I gotta match that. And they really did, like, I've never had a- Yeah, shout out to whoever controlled, oh, we met her. I've had great partnerships with networks in terms of, like, the creative side, the executive side,

even the marketing side. Their hands are tied about how much they can spend. But E is a really special place with really talented people. And I'm really just so grateful to everyone there if you're listening to everything you did. If this show fails, it's not because of you. Is it my tongue? It's because of Andrew's genetically loose mouth.

And I blame his dad. He doesn't have the same mouth. I blame that. Looking down, Colin. Thanks a lot. And you, Marvin. Don't think I forgot about you, Grandpa. And the guy that's above you.

That we don't know his name. He's in his grave just somewhere. So now his tongue's still in his skeleton. Okay, final thought. God, your tongue disappears. That's wild. What do you mean? Just everything.

Like your tongue gets eaten by worms and stuff? Yeah, when you die, everything's gone. But your bones. Yeah, everything goes. There's like this TikTok. You know how some girls will do this like like um they'll like skateboard or their dance over like someone talking it'll be like jordan peterson being like cherish these moments you have with your youngest son or like whatever it

is and there's like a voice in the background giving a motivational and there's a girl going like everyone you know will you you everyone dies and you will be forgotten by every single person so in the meantime dance and it's just like this girl and then it's just encouraging people to like dance in public and i'm like if everyone's gonna forget you and nothing matters don't do that and don't wear this cute little crop top with a matching sandal it's like if you're really gonna like ride that out then nothing matters so dance i just kill like i like the sentiment because you're right like nothing matters when you really added up like obama we will be just as forgotten as you are as lincoln is like we'll all be dust and no one will remember us and it doesn't matter but what do you do with

that you don't dance people value like okay no one's gonna remember because we're all gonna be dead but am i gonna be remembered till just before we die like that's what people right people when you know when you die they're like well we forgot about them famous i want to be like my star is gonna be in the st louis that star will be there longer than any like baby book i have that's passed down to my you know that's like a cement thing yeah yeah yeah last week i just want to say before we go final final final thought um people really liked the depression episode last week yeah i loved it some really good stuff you're out of it right i'm very good right now oh well i'm out of covid

yeah covid is a motherfucker it fucks and i know i know you mentioned something about like me getting on zoloft and that might be something as well in my brain but covid's dude covid's a fucking motherfucker depression wise and if you haven't had it or if you dealt with it you like it's it's a mentally draining thing and it's different for everyone it's such a weird because you get a cold you sneeze i sneeze we know what a cold is this thing is different for everyone everyone yes has a different reaction it's so fucking weird it's a yeah no i'm glad you're through it yeah you got it and she like she's still suffering. She's not contagious anymore, but she's still having issues. So stay safe out there.

But I flew on the plane, no mask. It was kind of nice yesterday. We got to go. I'm going to be on the Wendy Williams show, I think, tomorrow. So tune into that. I'm going to be on the Kelly Clarkson show this week as well. That was pre-taped with Dr. Phil. I was also on Dr. Phil's podcast last week.

Great episode. I got to go wrap some presents so it's wrap time. Yeah, thanks for listening guys. Don't be care and Jacket! Jacket's on! That was a shout out to the bestie who gave me a note after the show and she

said jacket! I thought that was a good one. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed?

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